TRANSCRIPT No, We Really Do Love Each Other

Transcript

00:00:00	Biz Ellis	Host	Hi. I’m Biz.
00:00:01	Theresa Thorn	Host	And I’m Theresa.
00:00:03	Biz	Host	Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.
00:00:20	Music	Music	“Summon the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums. [Continues through dialogue.]
00:00:24	Biz	Host	This week on One Bad Mother—no, we really do love each other! We talk about the importance of honesty in relationships with Fielding Edlow and Larry Clarke of Bitter Homes and Gardens. Plus, it’s happening for Biz!
00:00:38	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz and caller: Wooo!
00:00:41	Caller	Host	This is a check-in. [Biz laughs.] We’re—we’re living the dream over here. Living the dream. I don’t even know where to begin. My son’s class has a COVID-positive. So he’s home. My husband and I are trying to work full-time. Um… our cat—poor cat. Geriatric cat. Has been throwing up his medicine, which I slipped on this morning. Let’s see… my son decided to paint his own nails. I don’t know! It just feels kinda like… when is that gonna end? I—[through laughter] I don’t know. It’s just ridiculous at a certain point. Hope you guys are having a good time! Thanks for the show. Love to be able to leave this and check in here. Thanks! Bye.
00:01:32	Biz	Host	First of all, you’re doing a very good job. To answer your question, maybe… never? Or maybe tomorrow! It could be tomorrow! Maybe tomorrow things will stop being weird. And like insane. Or maybe… never. Or maybe, like, ten years? Like I think I would feel good if somebody’s like, “Here’s a definitive amount of time” and I know that I can work within that timeframe? But I still think that within that definitive amount of time, there comes a moment where it’s too long. Like if somebody says, “It’s a year.” I can do anything for a year. ‘K? I can do anything for a year. If they’re like, “Fifteen years.” I… I can do less. For fifteen years. But that’s just—I mean, A, you are living the dream that so many of us are living at the moment. Trying to work. It’s like we are all your favorite set of china on a table that’s constantly having the tablecloth yanked out. And then doing it again for a five o’clock show, a seven o’clock show, and an eight o’clock show. “Whaack!” There ya go. It’s very unsettling. Like, we went from like, “Oh my god! Ahh! Everybody just stay at home! And we don’t know what we’re doing!” Like, two years ago—or sixteen months ago or seventeen months. Whatever we’re saying. To now, where we’re like, “Is this better?” [Laughs.] I mean, it’s a little better. But the suddenly having to drop everything ‘cause a class is shutting down and it’s not the same as like your other coworkers, whose classes may still be working if they’ve got kids at school. Right? Like it’s not like—there is a constant chance it’s just you. Which—[Laughs.] For that week. Which adds to the feeling of, “Ugggh!” But ten points for having a kid independent enough to pain their own nails. I say, that is a win. That is one less thing you have to do for your children. So good job with that! Thanks for checking in. You are doing a good job. At the end of that you said, “Hope you’re all having a good time.” And I’m just gonna say… that comes with a lot of its own baggage. What “Hope you’re having a good time” means. I guess I’m kind of having a good time. I dunno. I’m—[Laughs.] My foot isn’t in a pile of red ants, so I’m having a good time. If that’s my scale. Thank you so much for calling! Which means—it’s time to queue the thank-you’s!
00:04:10	Music	Music	Heavy electric guitar and driving percussion overlaid with “Ohh, oh-oh, oh-oh” and “Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey-ey” lyrics.
00:04:23	Biz	Host	Thank you—thank you, everybody. I’m gonna start with teachers again, ‘cause this is still… we’re still just sort of back. It’s about a month for some. For others—like myself—it’s two days. [Laughs.] We’ve been in school. And… I know that for the most part, the kids are all—they’re just happy to be back. But I know that that doesn’t reflect necessarily how stressed out or how nervous or how—I dunno. Discombobulating it is for you as teachers to be back. You’re probably getting a lot of questions. You’re probably getting a lot of, like, blowback. Because you’re the person who’s standing there when somebody’s unhappy. [Laughs.] And you’re probably the person who is trying to help a bunch of kids who haven’t really been very social for a while! And at every age, that can be weird. To deal with. So I just want to say, thank you for showing up. And teaching. Whether you are veteran teachers or whether you are new to teaching this year, I see you and I appreciate you. And that is the same for all of the admins, counselors, wow. You are really needed. Librarians? I love you. At schools and outside of schools. You guys are doing such a great job. The principals, heads of school—all of you! Thank you for not running away. I appreciate it. Medical staff? I really appreciate you. This is hard where you are right now. I mean, we keep thinking about all of those affected by COVID, and there are a lot of people who have to come and see a doctor or go to the hospital because they’re just sick with other stuff. Whether those are lifelong illnesses or brand-new illnesses. And I know that you are really being faced with a lot of hard decisions and I know that this is relentless. And I know that it’s very frustrating that it could be less relentless if more people got vaccinated. But if it helps at all, I think you’re amazing, and I see you, and I really appreciate all that you are doing and that is everyone in the medical profession. All of you! Every person who keeps the bathrooms clean at the doctors’ offices? That’s critical! [Laughs.] For so many reasons! So thank you for doing that! And finally, I’m just gonna say thank you today to everybody who is out there distributing vaccines. Distributing information on vaccines. Lining up to get vaccines. Figuring out how to help people who can’t easily access a vaccine, access a vaccine. And to all of you who are already vaccinated. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
00:07:25	Biz	Host	Now. How am I? [Singing] I’m okay ‘cause my kids have been in school for three—[Regular voice] I guess two days. Three days. It was—of course it was a midweek start, which is very confusing. So now it’s suddenly Friday and they’re all gonna be home and it’s gonna be a weekend and ahhhh! I don’t know. I’ve already forgotten everything I’m supposed to do with you. It has been lovely. Taking them to school. I think I’m just in a weird state of like denial that Ellis, who can’t be vaccinated, is at risk. Like, I’m just like, “I dunno. All I know is that… school! And you go to school.” And I—it just—that’s—that’s the best I can do. I can’t control my ever-present fear. Just gonna have to trust the system. Which is a big leap for all of us. So y’know, I’m gonna talk a little bit more about these first few days of school in my genius and fail segment of the show. [Laughs.] But needless to say, it really has been a treat to see the school open and to see all the kids and see parents and see teachers and just like—I know everybody’s feeling very chaotic? But I… really just missed it. I missed it! I missed it. I missed it. Now I’ve gotta kiss it. No kissing! ‘Cause of COVID. Speaking of no kissing, that may tie in nicely—[Laughs.] To what we’re gonna talk about today, which is—challenging relationships. With the very funny Fielding Edlow and Larry Clarke of the web show, Bitter Homes and Gardens.
00:09:13	Music	Music	Banjo strums; cheerful banjo music continues through dialogue.
00:09:14	Theresa	Host	Please—take a moment to remember: If you’re friends of the hosts of One Bad Mother, you should assume that when we talk about other moms, we’re talking about you.
00:09:21	Biz	Host	If you are married to the host of One Bad Mother, we definitely are talking about you.
00:09:25	Theresa	Host	Nothing we say constitutes professional parenting advice.
00:09:28	Biz	Host	Biz and Theresa’s children are brilliant, lovely, and exceedingly extraordinary.
00:09:32	Theresa	Host	Nothing said on this podcast about them implies otherwise. [Banjo music fades out.] [Biz, Fielding, and Larry repeatedly affirm and interrupt each other as they discuss the weekly topic.]
00:09:38	Biz	Host	This week, we are talking to Fielding Edlow and Larry Clarke, who are the creators of Bitter Homes and Gardens, which is an award-winning web series. And they are starring as real-life married couple Fielding Edlow and Larry Clarke! [Laughs.] At least for today. Fielding is a writer, actor, and comedian, and Larry Clarke has been a working actor for the last thirty years. You might know Fielding from BoJack Horseman and Get Shorty, and you may know Larry from—most recently—a Fusco brother in the new Twin Peaks! Welcome!
00:10:21	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Larry: Welcome! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Welcome! Yeah, we need something to do this afternoon. Fielding: Thank you for having us! We’re thrilled and honored to have something to do and feel like we’re—that’s not so complimentary. We were running to this podcast. No, we’re thrilled. Biz: Welcome! Well it is—today? What’s—it’s Friday. I will take it. I will take—
00:10:37	Biz	Host	That is a—that is a ringing endorsement. [Fielding laughs.] Given these times? “I needed something to do, so… we’re doing it.” That’s—
00:10:46	Fielding Edlow	Guest	AKA, he’s not meeting one of his other balding, middle-aged, character actor friends on Larchmont for coffee. [Biz laughs.] For four-and-a-half hours, where I’m like, “Where are you? Did you just take an overnight Amtrak somewhere?”
00:10:56	Biz	Host	Is that not its own show? Four Balding Middle-Aged Men Get Coffee? That’s—
00:11:02	Fielding	Guest	Oh, it’s—I don’t know. I mean, it sounds unwatchable to me ‘cause it’s like—my life. But—
00:11:07	Biz	Host	That means it’s already on Netflix. Okay. [Fielding laughs.] Zing! Alright. We’re gonna—[Laughs.] Before—[Laughs.] Wow. This is a delight. Because I’m just watching Larry just lay on the tracks. As we just roll right—so I—apologies.
00:11:28	Larry Clarke	Guest	Welcome to my life. [Fielding laughs.] Welcome to my life.
00:11:29	Biz	Host	Apologies, Larry, but yes. There ya go. Well, I’ve seen the show—you have plenty to say. Now! [Fielding laughs.] Uh, before we get into that, I’m gonna—I’m actually gonna say to Larry, “Larry? I want you to tell me… who lives in your house.”
00:11:42	Larry	Guest	We have two, um…
00:11:46	Fielding	Guest	This isn’t a trick question! What is your problem? [Biz laughs.]
00:11:49	Larry	Guest	We have—I’m just trying to say—listen. We had two—two sons—
00:11:52	Fielding	Guest	Don’t try to be funny. Just answer the question.
00:11:53	Larry	Guest	Two sons before our daughter.
00:11:54	Fielding	Guest	Two furry sons. Two cat sons.
00:11:56	Larry	Guest	Two furry sons that have been with us for sixteen years. That was our first intro to—
00:12:00	Fielding	Guest	I had them first.
00:12:02	Larry	Guest	—cohabitating. Yeah, for like six months. And then I moved in.
00:12:04	Fielding	Guest	Of course Larry’s like, “I raised ‘em.” They were my cats.
00:12:06	Larry	Guest	I did raise them. I trained them. They were untrained cats and that—your house smelled like—like a kitty litter box.
00:12:12	Fielding	Guest	You don’t have to annihilate my last condo in the world, which I shouldn’t have let you in.
00:12:15	Larry	Guest	Well I came in and I trained the cats. I let them outside. I gave them their freedom and I—I—
00:12:19	Fielding	Guest	Can you answer the question? Answer the fucking question!
00:12:20	Larry	Guest	I trained them—no, this is—is this a pet podcast?
00:12:23	Fielding	Guest	No! She wants to know who lives in our house!
00:12:26	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: I wish it was a cat podcast! Larry: Anyway, they were very important! [Fielding laughs.]
00:12:28	Biz	Host	By the way. I wish it was a cat podcast.
00:12:31	Fielding	Guest	Maybe think about it as an ancillary podcast, and—
00:12:33	Larry	Guest	It was very important for us—
00:12:34	Fielding	Guest	—and we’ll help you produce that.
00:12:35	Biz	Host	Done! Done.
00:12:36	Larry	Guest	And then she was always like—she was very hesitant to go, “Why are you letting the cats outside?” I said, “I’ve trained them. This is very safe.” And one of the cats is a scaredy-cat and I let him out the front and we then—
00:12:46	Fielding	Guest	Tell them the name of the cat.
00:12:47	Larry	Guest	Larry. His name was Larry.
00:12:48	Fielding	Guest	I had a cat named Larry before I married Larry.
00:12:50	Larry	Guest	Do you believe that?
00:12:52	Fielding	Guest	And he thinks I named them after him because he’s such a narcissist.
00:12:55	Biz	Host	That is very easy.
00:12:56	Larry	Guest	But she didn’t.
00:12:57	Biz	Host	That makes life very easy. Unless it’s one of those situations where it’s like, “I love you, Larry.” “Thank you! I love you, too!” “I’m talking to the cat, Larry Two! Larry Two!” [Larry laughs.]
00:13:07	Fielding	Guest	That’s exactly what happened. “Can somebody feed Larry? No, feed Big Larry. No, feed Little Larry.” [Biz laughs.]
00:13:12	Larry	Guest	She renamed them. She saved them off the street and you renamed them. They were actually—
00:13:16	Fielding	Guest	This is a real cat diatribe when all she asked was who is living in our house.
00:13:20	Larry	Guest	But anyway, listen. I let them out the front of the condo and the—Larry, the scaredy-cat—escaped. And went down to the parking garage and we could not find him. And it was almost the end of our relationship. Our very—
00:13:31	Fielding	Guest	And the beginning of my one of my only and best joke A Bitter Marriage—“We’re one dead cat away from divorce.” ‘Cause I was like, “You know what? It will be over.”
00:13:39	Larry	Guest	She was… apoplectic. And I was like, “I will find the cat. She can’t—"
00:13:44	Fielding	Guest	No! ‘Cause he’s like lying on the couch playing Scrabble—
00:13:45	Larry	Guest	Alright. Can you let me talk for a second?
00:13:47	Fielding	Guest	Yeah. And you left the door open. [Biz laughs.]
00:13:49	Larry	Guest	Can I finish the story?
00:13:50	Fielding	Guest	If you have to.
00:13:51	Biz	Host	Larry, did you try and swap the cat out? Is that what you were trying to do? [Fielding laughs.]
00:13:55	Larry	Guest	Wouldn’t have worked.
00:13:56	Fielding	Guest	I think it was on—not to be “daughter of a therapist,” but I think he unconsciously left the door open. Okay?
00:14:01	Larry	Guest	No, no! I was training them to walk the hallway and he escaped. Anyway.
00:14:04	Fielding	Guest	Walk the hallway?!
00:14:05	Larry	Guest	Well yeah—we went and I found a little tail hanging out from the car engine. He had crawled up into an engine. And, uh—
00:14:11	Fielding	Guest	The part—you’re—you’re horrifying the producer of this podcast right now. Horrifying him.
00:14:15	Larry	Guest	So anyway. If he—someone had turned on that car, that would’ve been the end of us. We wouldn’t be here today.
00:14:19	Fielding	Guest	Anyway. We rescued Larry.
00:14:20	Larry	Guest	Talking to you.
00:14:21	Fielding	Guest	We rescued Larry. And one day—
00:14:22	Larry	Guest	And then we have—oh, yeah, we have a daughter, too.
00:14:24	Fielding	Guest	And then he was going to audition one day and I said, “Just—can you come back and jizz inside me?” [Biz laughs.] And he did, and we have a daughter.
00:14:30	Larry	Guest	Yes.
00:14:31	Fielding	Guest	And that’s actually not a joke. That’s actually not a joke.
00:14:34	Biz	Host	No, that’s—that’s surprisingly familiar for many, many people. [Fielding laughs.]
00:14:38	Larry	Guest	We weren’t gonna have kids. We were not gonna have kids. I thought that was kinda cool—cool about us.
00:14:43	Fielding	Guest	No, it’s something I said that to be—‘cause I’m so—I’m tired of women… like, the expected answer to be, like, “Of course.” So I would always tell people, “No.” Just to like keep people—
00:14:51	Larry	Guest	You told me “No”! You told me! You were like—
00:14:52	Fielding	Guest	Right! But that was—I think ‘cause I can’t stand—
00:14:55	Larry	Guest	And I said, “Good! I’m not—I wanna be free! I don’t wanna have a kid!”
00:14:57	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: And you were in no position to have a child! He lived in a way—waystation—bachelor station on Rossmore. Yeah! Larry: I was in no position! I am a man child.
00:15:03	Larry	Guest	I shouldn’t be raising children. I really shouldn’t be.
00:15:05	Fielding	Guest	But he’s an excellent dad and a below-average husband.
00:15:09	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: There ya go. Larry: I turned into a pretty decent dad. But when we got together— Fielding: You’re a great dad.
00:15:14	Larry	Guest	Finally, all her friends started getting pregnant and then she’s like, “I think I wanna try.” And it was like, “You know what? Just because everybody’s getting pregnant. Okay.”
00:15:22	Fielding	Guest	You have a weird Monday-morning quarterback revisionist history. [Biz laughs.] I decided—I named the child. It was nothing to do with my friend. What am I—
00:15:30	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Larry: Absolutely had to do with your friends! Yes! Yes! Yes! Fielding: What am I? Oh my god, you think I’m like Sweet Valley High where I’m like, “Melissa, Jessica, and Lyla are having kids!”
00:15:35	Larry	Guest	All your friends were having kids!
00:15:38	Fielding	Guest	It’s nothing—I am not like you. I am not codependent like you.
00:15:39	Larry	Guest	Okay.
00:15:40	Fielding	Guest	Anyway. I was on a very specific track. [Larry sighs.] So to answer your question—
00:15:44	Larry	Guest	She also thought I had lazy sperm—
00:15:46	Fielding	Guest	He does.
00:15:47	Larry	Guest	And that is not a joke. That is not a joke.
00:15:48	Fielding	Guest	He has very lazy sperm.
00:15:50	Larry	Guest	And we didn’t think we could have a kid, ‘cause I am older than her. And she was like, “You—we’re probably not compatible.”
00:15:54	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Larry: “So let’s see if it works.” And guess what? Bullseye. Right away. Fielding: No, ‘cause I think your sperm… oh my god. You’re sucking your own dick for like—it took a month! Biz: Alright. To recap—[Laughs.] To recap—
00:16:04	Biz	Host	You live with each other, a—two cats— [Fielding laughs.] This is the order. Two cats, a daughter, and—
00:16:11	Fielding	Guest	A nine-year-old daughter.
00:16:12	Biz	Host	And lazy, lazy semen.
00:16:15	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: And very lazy semen that had—that’s not been used in months. Larry: Lazy semen.
00:16:19	Fielding	Guest	Even though we have an unused Cialis prescription in the cabinet.
00:16:22	Biz	Host	This—[Laughs.] How’s it—how’s it working in the cabinet?
00:16:27	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: Amazing! It’s not [inaudible], but yeah. [Laughs.] Biz: It does a really good job?
00:16:31	Biz	Host	You guys would be a good time at a PTA meeting. [Fielding laughs.] Or the parent-teacher conference. Let me tell ya. That’s—those are—have you had a parent-teacher conference yet?
00:16:40	Fielding	Guest	No, but I had mothers that are old-school literally tell me, “Well… I didn’t know about you, but it—the other mothers said ‘Fielding’s a lot, but she’s really cool if you hang in there.’” [Biz laughs.]
00:16:52	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: That’s—I’ve been given that moniker myself, actually! I—yeah. Yeah. Watch out! You don’t wanna be—you want to be… Fielding: Literally told me that! [Laughs.] Aren’t you kind of flattered? I’m kind of flattered that people say that! Like, who wants to be a little? Who wants to be a little?
00:17:03	Biz	Host	No. You wanna be the mom that’s a little more. Like, that’s—be warned! You might wind up the president of your school teacher—Parent-Teacher Association.
00:17:13	Fielding	Guest	Oh! Oh! They nominated me to be on the board! I’m on the board! [Laughs.]
00:17:17	Biz	Host	I’m on the board! It’s so many mistakes are happening! Alright! [Laughs.] [Fielding laughs.] I’m like, “Why am I reading this book on board? I don’t—like—"
00:17:25	Fielding	Guest	I’m like, “Why do you want this Yiddish bridge troll on the board? I’m just a fucking fledgling comic! Why am I on the board? I have nothing to give. Except snacks. I can bring deviled eggs and a few—"
00:17:36	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Larry: I’m afraid to even volunteer. Biz: Deviled eggs?
00:17:38	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Larry: I can’t even volunteer. I—I—I freeze. I freeze when it comes to volunteering. Fielding: No. You’re useless. You’re useless. Yeah.
00:17:42	Larry	Guest	And the expectations in a school. So we pay a lot of money to send them to—
00:17:47	Biz	Host	You have the kid back there? [Laughs.] [Fielding laughs.] Don’t let ‘em hear?
00:17:51	Fielding	Guest	We have to like check. We have to check.
00:17:52	Larry	Guest	No, the city’s here. They’re knocking down our trees in the back.
00:17:55	Biz	Host	Oh. That’s nice. Lucky.
00:17:56	Fielding	Guest	Don’t think we have an arboretum. We don’t have an arboretum. There’s just some city work going on. Okay? Don’t—I don’t want our listeners to think that, y’know—yeah.
00:18:03	Biz	Host	Make a note. They don’t have an arboretum.
00:18:05	Fielding	Guest	No. [Laughs.]
00:18:06	Biz	Host	Alright. We are gonna—that clearly segues directly into… the newest project that you guys are working on, which is that—well, you’ve been working on ‘cause it’s going into season two. Bitter Homes and Gardens, which is an online—like, you—web—I—old lady.
00:18:23	Fielding	Guest	It’s a web series, yes.
00:18:24	Biz	Host	It’s a web series. Where the kids get together and they film it and they put it on the YouTube or something! [Fielding laughs.] Anyway, and it’s—it’s fucking hilarious.
00:18:31	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding and Larry: Thank you!
00:18:33	Biz	Host	The pacing is about the same as this is now. [Fielding laughs.] But you—like… you guys—it’s—you guys describe it as sort of a, uh, what was it? It’s not Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. [Laughs.]
00:18:47	Fielding	Guest	It’s sort of a really fucked Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Whenever I say it—yeah. Yeah.
00:18:52	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Yes. A very fucked—if it was Who’s Coming to Dinner?, that’d be way weirder. Fielding: Maybe worse! More acrimonious. It’s worse! Larry: We’re actually—we don’t drink, so it’s even worse. Because we’re very, very clear and sober and… and available.
00:19:03	Fielding	Guest	Yeah! We’re super present with our own disappointments. [Laughs.]
00:19:06	Biz	Host	Yeah! [Laughs.] Just sitting there. Drunk and reveling in it. So—like I said—it’s very funny. It is such a very specific relationship. I worry that I might’ve missed something if I say… how on earth do you guys stay married on this show? And I can save the other question for a different therapy session. But like—
00:19:28	Fielding	Guest	That’s an excellent question. And, y’know, you’re very—it’s sort of like a portend or you’re some kind of prophet. Because I don’t think this is a spoiler alert— [Biz laughs.] I mean, I do—I do leave Larry. I do try to leave Larry in our—
00:19:42	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Thank you, Jesus! Fielding: —in this next season. Okay?
00:19:45	Fielding	Guest	And it’s—it’s a cliffhanger! It’s a cliffhanger.
00:19:47	Larry	Guest	Did you say, “Thank you, Jesus”? Elizabeth!
00:19:49	Biz	Host	I said, “Thank you, Jesus.” It—Larry, just so you know, I would’ve equally said, “Thank you, Jesus” if you had said that you were leaving her. [Fielding laughs.] Because there is nothing functional happening in that relationship. And there’s even like this one moment where I think it’s like your brother says, “Do you guys have kids?” Is that right? Is that who asks you that? And you guys are like, “NO!” And then I thought, “Are you also gonna have kids on this show? ‘Cause that—” Yeah!
00:20:17	Fielding	Guest	Right? Well… if Hulu picks us up in season three, I’ll get knocked up with that lazy sperm and—I was gonna try to have quintuplets? [Biz laughs.] And then have to [through laughter] yeah. There was a dark storyline that was happening. But that was—that’s a—that’s a great question ‘cause I think that it’s—that’s a necessary question! Like—and I think on another—something else someone brought up once, too, was, “Do we have a breaking point?” Like, have we ever said something that we don’t think we could recover from?
00:20:45	Larry	Guest	Well, the show basically came from us really arguing. Like that.
00:20:49	Fielding	Guest	I think she picked that up.
00:20:50	Larry	Guest	And we said, “People would not believe the way we argue. And it’s kinda funny and tragic.” [Multiple people laugh.] We started to kind of mess around with this idea of doing—kind of expanded versions of ourselves. But y’know, a lot of those arguments were based on actual arguments we’ve had.
00:21:05	Fielding	Guest	Yeah! I mean, when we had—so when we had the fights—your question in point—before I tried to leave Larry, that was the most vicious fight in our season two. And the crew [through laughter] gave us—gave us applause afterwards. And it—and then I was like, “Are they clapping because they just wanna fucking move on and this was the most disturbing thing they’ve ever heard?” [Biz laughs.] Or—but Larry, of course, thought, he’s like John Barrymore and gave like a theatre performance.
00:21:30	Larry	Guest	I did give a very good performance. It was a good—it was a good performance.
00:21:34	Biz	Host	John Barrymore. Ethel Barrymore. Whoever. A Barrymore.
00:21:36	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: You’re right. Exactly. Or the— Biz: Drew. Larry: One of the Barrymores.
00:21:38	Fielding	Guest	Lunt and Fontanne. Nichols and May. Or what have you.
00:21:42	Larry	Guest	But in—you’ll see in season two that she’s gone for a half an hour. And—
00:21:47	Fielding	Guest	You’re giving it away! [Biz laughs.] To our 2.5 fans who are hanging by a thread! About how long Fielding was gonna leave. [Laughs.]
00:21:54	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Oh, this group will binge. Don’t worry. Larry: If we’re not making each others’ lives hell, we don’t know what to do with ourselves.
00:21:58	Larry	Guest	So, uh, yeah. We are a strange little kind of—we’re very loving, dysfunctional couple. I mean, that’s kind of what we are.
00:22:06	Fielding	Guest	We’re very insecure. We’re like violently insecure, broken people in a somewhat healthy relationship. [Laughs.]
00:22:12	Biz	Host	That—okay. But like this actually is fascinating. Because I—I think whether it’s on a show or in real life— [Fielding laughs.] —there are couples who truly love each other and are in these, like, varying degree of dysfunction. Right? Like, I’ve got a friend. They’re a yeller in their relationship. Like, they—and they come from a family of like big reactions. And they were dating another friend of mine who was like, “Let’s tamp it down. Let’s just… tamp it deep, deep down.” [Multiple people laugh.] And I grew up as a person who used, like, joking and comedy to get through difficult things and to tamp it back down. And my husband—I would describe him as more of a, “Nope. Nope. No confrontation. I would like—” So we—so we’re very much like, “Ha, ha! Something’s broken! Let’s fix it.” Alright. Wait.
00:23:05	Fielding	Guest	Which then—both of you can’t be the like, [makes snippy noises]. The like Stanley in Street Car Named Desire. Like, I’m the one—I’m your husband who’s like—I’ve fallen asleep when he’s been yelling at me. Like, I just don’t even give a shit. “Stop it. Who are you auditioning for?”
00:23:20	Larry	Guest	She literally has fallen asleep.
00:23:22	Biz	Host	I know that this is a reflection of real life, but at the same time, I’m like… how are you doing it? Are you guys okay? Does somebody need to like blink out a certain, like, code? Like— [Fielding laughs.] I—I—have you gotten the response—
00:23:34	Larry	Guest	I do.
00:23:35	Fielding	Guest	He needs to blink out the code. He’s scared of me. He’s scared of me.
00:23:37	Biz	Host	I’ve got an order—
00:23:40	Fielding	Guest	Blink out the code! Blink out the code!
00:23:41	Larry	Guest	I’m blinking! I’m blinking! [Multiple people laugh.] Help! So what—to your point, I was raised Irish Catholic in Maryland.
00:23:48	Fielding	Guest	Yell-y. Very yell-y.
00:23:50	Larry	Guest	She was very screamy, yell-y, uh, mother, uh, raised by nuns. Beat me. Um, and—
00:23:59	Fielding	Guest	Way to bring the podcast down.
00:24:00	Larry	Guest	Well, it’s true. Listen—they didn’t have any problem with beating people back in the ’60s and the ‘70s. They had no problem whatsoever smacking the hell out of ya. And uh, but—y’know. It did some damage. Um—
00:24:12	Fielding	Guest	And I was— [Biz laughs.] Oh, and I’m paying for Delores, his mother. Every second, I’m paying for Delores. She is alive and living in this fucking house. Like, literally she comes to me.
00:24:24	Biz	Host	We’ll list her down below the lazy sperm— [Fielding laughs.] —in the “Who’s on the lease.” Okay.
00:24:29	Fielding	Guest	Oh my god! Yeah. And I’m in the diametrically-oppositional household where it’s just quite, simmering, resentful rage. Eating almonds in the other room and just like Rolodex-ing resentments for the next fifty years.
00:24:42	Larry	Guest	But Upper-East-Side Jewish but quiet Jews, in a weird way. You’re kind of a quiet Jewish family.
00:24:49	Fielding	Guest	Yeah. We just kinda go—we do takeout and then we go into our separate rooms and just—and seethe.
00:24:53	Biz	Host	I’m that Catholic! I was that Catholic. So like we were like—y’know, we would—like, you’d—you’d come together. You’d eat. And then, “Alright, we’re all good.” And then we’re off to our own television. Anyway. Again—
00:25:06	Fielding	Guest	Yeah, exactly. Our own screens. Yeah.
00:25:08	Biz	Host	All of that was, I think, to get at a question of—for people who have been watching this show, what is the response—do you have people that respond that are like, “That is our life.”
00:25:21	Fielding	Guest	Um, I—it’s funny. I get—yeah. Great question. It’s—the genesis of this project was actually because a rabbi related. When we did this at a temple. And he’s like—he like ran after us and I was like, “Oh my god, did we break Judaism? Like, what did we do wrong?” [Biz laughs.] Like, petrified. And he’s like, “Oh my gosh, I related so much.” We basically just performed the pilot. At Temple Israel on a night of forgiveness.
00:25:43	Biz	Host	Fucking love it.
00:25:44	Fielding	Guest	God save our soul. But the rabbi was like, “I relate to that because, y’know, I’ll—I’ll ask my wife to read my sermons and she’ll give me notes and we get into a big fight and I feel so judged.” Like, this rabbi! And then we realized that, um, most people do relate?
00:26:00	Larry	Guest	Or they think it’s very cathartic to watch us scream at each other.
00:26:04	Fielding	Guest	We make us feel better—we make you feel better about your relationship. You’re like, “Well I’m not that.”
00:26:07	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: I’m not that. Larry: Like, “I’ve always wanted to say that to my wife.”
00:26:10	Larry	Guest	“I’ve always wanted to say that to my husband. Really lay into him.” Y’know?
00:26:14	Fielding	Guest	That’s the biggest comment we get. “I can’t believe you said—I would love to—you say what I want to say.”
00:26:19	Biz	Host	See—that’s—crazy.
00:26:20	Fielding	Guest	“And I can’t even think.”
00:26:22	Biz	Host	People? You need to be not sitting on it as much! It doesn’t have to go to the extreme! But like… y’know.
00:26:29	Larry	Guest	You’d be surprised how many people sit on it. A lot of people sit on it.
00:26:31	Fielding	Guest	You’d be surprised how many people don’t—y’know—
00:26:35	Larry	Guest	Never have arguments! Not one!
00:26:37	Fielding	Guest	Or even they’re just so respectful. And I’m like, “Those are the people who—whose like dick is in a glory hole on Bronson.” I think. Excuse me. Yeah.
00:26:45	Biz	Host	You’re correct. But I think there’s— [Fielding laughs.] There is especially—y’know, one of the things that we talk about on the show a lot—because we’re all broken people ourselves— [Fielding laughs.] Is that like when a kid enters your house—right? However that kid got there. Lotta ways for that to happen. When they show up, how, like, unprepared relationships are. Right? Like how like, “Oh yeah, we never talked about that.” And then there’s also the like—sorry, Larry, there’s a lot of male-bashing in the parenting world, which I think is very—
00:27:18	Fielding	Guest	So wonderful. [Laughs.]
00:27:22	Biz	Host	Or unfair. One of those two things. But like, y’know, it’s, “Why didn’t my husband wash a dish? There’s a dish in the sink! Just wash the goddamn dish!” And I’m like—
00:27:32	Fielding	Guest	“Why do I even need him? This would be easier without him!” is the thing I hear most. Like— [Biz laughs.] Everyone always thinks I’m a single mother because I give off so much rage of a single mother? That everyone’s like, “You’re a single mother?” I’m like, “I’m not! I mean, yes, basically I am. I am. I’m a single mother.”
00:27:46	Larry	Guest	You’re getting a little high here. You’re tapping out.
00:27:49	Fielding	Guest	He’s told me I’m breaking the voice memo lab.
00:27:51	Larry	Guest	You’re a little hot. Let me just push it away. Wow.
00:27:54	Biz	Host	Wow. It just moved on its own.
00:27:56	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding and Larry: Yes.
00:27:57	Biz	Host	I guess I’m gonna ask this question. Because of these characters, like, being so extreme… I mean, not that extreme. But extreme-er. Y’know. People like to find targets. To unload their own issues on. Right? And—y’know, we all at some point are standing in the line of fire and you gotta let it roll off your back. Blah, blah, blah. But like—I gotta imagine that there’s gotta be a long list of like, “That woman or that man is just like and they’re horrible and they should—” Right? Like, I mean, have—
00:28:38	Fielding	Guest	Totally. Totally.
00:28:40	Biz	Host	Yeah. Is it also—it’s clearly tapping into the fact that none of us probably are open enough. [Laughs.] With our partners. Or is it—
00:28:49	Fielding	Guest	And in that vulnerable way and not in the way of like, “I wanna kill myself when you breathe.” [Laughs.] But in a good way. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
00:28:59	Biz	Host	No, but like—is there—is there anything that’s like surprised you? By the responses? Have—y’know, I just hate any time anybody puts something great out in the world and then it gets [blows raspberry].
00:29:11	Fielding	Guest	So have we been unnerved by some of the responses to our web series? I think one—I mean, one dude reached out to me and basically—‘cause we put out this snack vlog, “An Actor Prepares,” in-between seasons just to keep our 2.5 fans happy. And I remember one person just—he was like, “Hey, big fan here! Not so funny anymore.” [Laughs.] Like—and like, I went—no. And cautionary tale! Teachable moment! I went ballistic. Like, I wrote a paragraph. I was like, I used it as a platform of like, “We’re hiding behind screens. You would never say this to my face if you were to meet me.”
00:29:48	Biz	Host	That guy would say it right to your face.
00:29:50	Fielding	Guest	I just—it was like my Erin Brockovich moment. Turns out he knew our producer, tattle-tale’d on me, and then I got yelled at by the producer. For unleashing. Yeah. And I still think about this fucking guy. I’ve been trying to find him on the internet. Being like, “We’re funny now! We’re funny now!”
00:30:04	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: “We’re way funny now.” Larry: What was really—what’s interesting about the show—
00:30:07	Larry	Guest	—is that we shot the first season, right? And then we had a lot of interest. And we basically developed it over the next few years with three different producers. To try to turn it into a half-hour. We almost sold it to FX. And we didn’t. So—
00:30:21	Fielding	Guest	Keep it positive. [Biz laughs.]
00:30:23	Larry	Guest	Well, hold on. Hold on. So we got close. Because there actually was another show that was similar to us, so FX didn’t pick it up. And so we started doing these kind of little—you’ll find them all over the—on YouTube. These little, like, call ‘em “Snack Vlogs.” And I do a thing called “Actor Prepares.” And it’s all kind of just—done very cheaply talking right into the computer. Really simple. And those things kinda became more popular than our season. [Fielding laughs.] And they aren’t costing anything!
00:30:52	Fielding	Guest	That, like, literally was me turning on the screen and just putting on undereye concealer. And people are like, “Hysterical!” Like, “I shared it eleven times!” [Biz laughs.] And we’re like, “Oh my fucking god.” But to your point, too, people wanna—they wanna see raw, open, unplanned, and real.
00:31:07	Larry	Guest	Yeah. And so we were really in a conundrum there. We’re going, “Wow, what do people really want out of this thing we’ve set up?” And we even actually started doing a live show [through laughter] where we had a real argument on stage.
00:31:19	Fielding	Guest	We would just have arguments on—we were at NerdMelt for a while. Those were fun. Those were basically—went well.
00:31:24	Larry	Guest	Well, that—
00:31:26	Fielding	Guest	You have such a negative view of it. It’s because I’m a comic and he’s the actor. [Biz laughs.]
00:31:29	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: Okay? So I know how to handle an audience— Larry: I don’t like to—
00:31:31	Fielding	Guest	And you just have a nervous breakdown and start giving the front row lap dances. [Biz laughs.] Like, you don’t know what to do.
00:31:36	Larry	Guest	Lap dances? Where would you even come from?
00:31:39	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: I saw you do—he— Larry: Where was the lap dance? What are you talking about, lap dance?
00:31:41	Fielding	Guest	You were imitating what you do when you audition as—he gets a lot of auditions to be a molester? Just saying. [Laughs.] And so he was imitating—
00:31:50	Biz	Host	Nice. Nice.
00:31:52	Larry	Guest	Okay. We—
00:31:53	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: Now that we’ve lost all your listeners. Yeah. Biz: [Singing] Bum-bum, bum-bum-bum-bum-bummmm! Larry: The problem with doing this—with doing our schtick live—right?
00:31:56	Larry	Guest	Is that I—I wanna do it for real. I don’t wanna do shtick. I wanna have an actual argument. And I wanna like bring out some stuff.
00:32:03	Biz	Host	You wanna like, Stanislofsky that shit! Uta Hagen that shit!
00:32:06	Fielding	Guest	He’s so Stanislofsky and Uta Hagen, yeah.
00:32:08	Larry	Guest	So—but—but she started to actually get pissed off up there. And it started not to work. Because she—
00:32:13	Fielding	Guest	That’s not true!
00:32:14	Larry	Guest	No, it is true. It is true.
00:32:15	Fielding	Guest	It was—no. He—
00:32:17	Larry	Guest	You wanted to go start doing shtick! You wanted to go back to doing one-liners!
00:32:19	Fielding	Guest	I need to regulate his blood sugar levels. Okay? He goes on that stage and he hasn’t eaten his little, like, caramel Atkins bar and it all goes to shit. Yeah.
00:32:26	Larry	Guest	No. Whenever she gets up there, she’s a—she’s a stand-up comic. So whenever she started doing her stand-up, I would not be happy.
00:32:32	Fielding	Guest	He wouldn’t be happy. ‘Cause I felt like I was—
00:32:33	Larry	Guest	‘Cause I’d be like, what am I up here for? You’re gonna go do your stuff. Doing your prepared stuff.
00:32:37	Fielding	Guest	But guess what? They paid $10 and got a babysitter, so you have to be entertaining and not just talk about molesting auditions!
00:32:42	Larry	Guest	We were entertaining them! That’s—no. That’s not what we were talking about. But anyway. I made some people—we made some people pretty uncomfortable.
00:32:48	Fielding	Guest	Just your brother. It was just your brother.
00:32:50	Larry	Guest	My brother and a bunch of friends. They were like, “It was kind of funny. I’m very uncomfortable. I’m never coming back.”
00:32:55	Fielding	Guest	Yeah. I think it’s ‘cause we were on Sunday nights and people don’t tend to laugh as much on Sunday nights.
00:32:59	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Yeah. Sundays—Sundays are notoriously—Sundays are tough days. Was it also like 3 o’clock in the afternoon? ‘Cause that’s hard. Fielding: Right? Sunday’s a tough day. Just really tough. Larry: That’s true. It didn’t—it didn’t help. Sundays didn’t help us.
00:33:08	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: It should’ve been. It should’ve been. It was like no air condition, Sunday, when the Emmys were going on. And we were like, “What? We’re the toast of Hollywood!” And it was like a rainstorm. A rainstorm at the Emmys. I mean, let our host talk. Yes. Yes. Maybe the shofar! Biz: Yeah. That—that’s also a hard time. [Laughs.] Oh, yeah! What? Where is everybody? But—yeah. And it’s raining. But that actually—don’t worry. Guys? I will plow right over you guys. Do not worry. Oh my god. Telling me. Larry: I like the idea—oh, you are telling me to let the host talk? Really? You just told me that? You are literally railroading over this entire interview. Right? I need an airhorn. [Makes airhorn noise.]
00:33:35	Fielding	Guest	We need a shofar is what we need. A ram’s horn, for chrissakes. [Biz makes trumpeting sound. Fielding mimics her.]
00:33:40	Biz	Host	Alright. So it’s like a party one where there’s like a little thing that slides in and out like a slide whistle. Alright.
00:33:47	Fielding	Guest	Put it on the cat podcast! Put it on the cat podcast.
00:33:49	Biz	Host	Okay. The cat—guys, I’m ready to start a fucking cat podcast any day of the week! Cats are greatly underrated!
00:33:54	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: If I see one more fucking article about “cats don’t care”— Fielding: We’re fucking there. We’re fucking there. We’re—we’re cat obsessed. Larry: Fucking love cats. Love cats.
00:34:00	Biz	Host	I’m like, “They care! Steve cares!”
00:34:02	Fielding	Guest	He licks the top of our cat’s head because he’s so upset that the cat can’t lick the top of his own head.
00:34:08	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: So you gotta get a little nuzzle? You gotta—alright. Real quick. Fielding: That’s how cat—
00:34:12	Larry	Guest	Well, I—I fake it. I do it with my nose, but anyway.
00:34:14	Biz	Host	Oh, that’s fine.
00:34:16	Fielding	Guest	I’ve seen you go like this—[makes licking noise]—and then like this?
00:34:18	Larry	Guest	It’s a great honor for a cat to clean the top of his head. Because they can’t reach it.
00:34:21	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: A great honor? What is this, A Few Good Men? The cheeks. The cheeks. Wait, how many cats do you have? Biz: Yeah! And the cheeks. And the cheeks. They gotta do their cheeks. Larry: The—the cheeks! The cheeks. But up here.
00:34:29	Biz	Host	I have three cats. I have—
00:34:31	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding and Larry: Ohhhhhh.
00:34:33	Biz	Host	I know! I’ve got, uh, Bee, who we got in New York and has made it all the way over here. She is—I call her an old lady porch cat ‘cause that’s all she’s ever wanted. I knew—instinctually I knew that cat just wants to sit on a porch. And that is what that cat does. And they have very little time for anybody else in this house. Uh, there’s Onion, who is a one-eyed cat that we rescued. They were six years old and had never been adopted and only had the one eye and came with the name “Onion.” Who is a delight, but has always had stomach issues. And—
00:35:05	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding and Larry: Oh.
00:35:07	Fielding	Guest	Maybe ‘cause you named her Onion! [Laughs.]
00:35:09	Biz	Host	Well I didn’t name it Onion! It came with Onion! I’m like, that cat—
00:35:11	Fielding	Guest	It came as Onion?
00:35:12	Larry	Guest	Yeah. Listen.
00:35:13	Biz	Host	It came with Onion. That is a one-eyed cat named Onion is clearly our cat. Uh, so he stinks and poops and vomits ‘cause it’s very old now, too.
00:35:20	Fielding	Guest	Ohhh.
00:35:21	Biz	Host	That’s okay.
00:35:22	Fielding	Guest	Prepared you for a kid! Prepared you for the kid.
00:35:24	Biz	Host	Yeah. And now the most recent addition is a very, very large cat, uh, named Steve. I named him Steve— [Fielding laughs.] —after Stranger Things Steve. Because I was so moved by Steve in season two. I announced that I was gonna name the next thing in this house “Steve.”
00:35:44	Fielding	Guest	I feel like you found Steve at The Crunch in West Hollywood’s parking lot. [Laughs.]
00:35:48	Biz	Host	Yeah, basically it’s just like—poor thing. He’s like very food insecure. He’s like, “Meow?” “Okay, here’s all of your food.” “Alright, good. I was just checking.” Anyway, that’s our cat podcast for the day!
00:36:00	Fielding	Guest	Aw, great names. [Laughs.]
00:36:02	Biz	Host	Now listen—here’s my question. And that is—well, it’s not even a question. It’s more of… it appears that the fourth wall of an actual video versus live lets people enjoy this more. Like, I wonder if your brother or friends would not feel as weirded out when they’re not—like, when you’re not in the room. I mean, it’s like an experiential theatre project when you bring somebody into the room while you argue. Right?
00:36:34	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Larry: Yeah. Fielding: Yes. Biz: Like—yeah.
00:36:36	Biz	Host	But you’re not getting that reaction as much with the web series. Anything that’s online. Right?
00:36:41	Fielding	Guest	Correct. Correct. In fact, your brother’s our biggest support. I think that’s a very—
00:36:45	Larry	Guest	He think it’s funny. He thinks it’s funny when it’s scripted.
00:36:47	Fielding	Guest	Germane, relevant thing to say. Yeah. Because I think it gets dangerous live. A little dangerous because when people know that like of course we’re that sort of cantankerous, about-to—like, y’know, I’m like one Bahama Mama away from just committing the Uma Thurman Kill Bill murder. Like, the five-point palm exploding heart technique.
00:37:05	Biz	Host	Yes. I know. I’m like, I just want to do it right from the cereal box, which is a different murder. It’s a different murder.
00:37:10	Fielding	Guest	Yeah. Yeah. There might be a little ricin in the overnight oats. Yeah.
00:37:13	Biz	Host	Exactly. But I think that’s—that thought of, like, live you can’t pull back if you start to step on it. Right? Like, if you—do you guys have a good sense of that? Like, this is a totally honest question. Do you have a good sense when you realize that the writing or the improv or the—however you’re approaching that particular argument—goes, like, too far? Are there ever days where you’re just like, “I just—"
00:37:39	Fielding	Guest	Are you talking about in live show? Or in—
00:37:41	Larry	Guest	I think in the writing and in—yeah. I think that you can go too far. Ultimately, the people should think that we love each other, we’re just highly dysfunctional. And that there is love there. If it’s just two people beating up on each other, what fun is that?
00:37:54	Fielding	Guest	They have to have those moments.
00:37:55	Larry	Guest	Y’know, and so it’s kind of like… y’know, Jackie Gleason—if you want to go back to The Honeymooners—y’know, he used to scream at his wife and at the end he’d go, “Baby, I love ya.” Y’know. And there has to be a little moment of that—
00:38:05	Biz	Host	I’m not sure that was okay. [Laughs.] [Fielding laughs.]
00:38:07	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: I know! Jesus! Larry: It was a— Biz: Not the best example.
00:38:09	Fielding	Guest	I’m like, Archie Bunker used to beat Edith! But then he’d be like, “Baby, ya make a great apple pie!”
00:38:14	Larry	Guest	Archie never threatened violence against—now that was a whole different dynamic.
00:38:17	Fielding	Guest	I know. I’m just—it’s an exaggeration.
00:38:19	Larry	Guest	But Jackie used to threaten to hit his wife all the time. Now, we don’t have physical altercations in the series. And that’s a fine line, and we do it once in this version we actually have that argument where she leaves me scene. But I think that they have to feel like that the love is there.
00:38:37	Fielding	Guest	I mean, people—it seems like the… the most common feedback we get is like they just want to see Fielding eviscerate Larry. And tear—rip him a new one. Like, they just wanna see me insult my husband. Like, that’s what they get off on!
00:38:51	Biz	Host	You are! Like, the Kill Bill of domestic relationships. Clearly.
00:38:55	Fielding	Guest	‘Cause I’m like littler than—I mean, it’s like, I have this big—
00:38:58	Biz	Host	Tapping in! Tapping in! Tapping into it!
00:39:00	Fielding	Guest	Yeah! Y’know, and—but when he—but when he gets a little—like, when he’s… I don’t know. Like I feel like when you’re really over it? Like, that’s when people get nervous. Or I feel intrinsically—
00:39:10	Larry	Guest	Yeah. They get nervous if I really get angry, which I never really do.
00:39:13	Fielding	Guest	He never does. But I think when you—
00:39:14	Larry	Guest	But I do in that one scene in the show and it scared people. I got—
00:39:18	Fielding	Guest	It didn’t scare me! It was like a lullaby to me!
00:39:19	Larry	Guest	It scared the crew. And we were actually arguing about stuff that we really argue about in real life, so it was very cathartic?
00:39:26	Fielding	Guest	Yeah. It was true. ‘Cause we have had so many arguments about fucking social media?
00:39:31	Larry	Guest	Oh, social media. Yeah. Ugh. [Biz laughs.]
00:39:33	Fielding	Guest	And that was like the most incendiary thing. Or the worst fight we ever had was when he told me that he didn’t believe me in my one-woman show. [Biz laughs.] And that I wasn’t being honest. And he never saw it! He never saw it.
00:39:45	Larry	Guest	I did see it. I saw a tape of it.
00:39:47	Fielding	Guest	Well—so you didn’t know.
00:39:49	Biz	Host	You saw a tape of it? [Fielding laughs.]
00:39:51	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Eh. That’s—that’s not—it’s a little different live. Fielding: Yeah. Larry—what?! Larry: Yeah. It wasn’t very good.
00:39:54	Larry	Guest	It wasn’t good.
00:39:55	Fielding	Guest	Well it got me—
00:39:57	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: —my foot in the—foot in the door! In Hollywood! Got my— Larry: It got you what? Foot in the door! Your foot got stuck in the door is what happened. Biz: Look at you guys! You made it! [Laughs.]
00:40:03	Larry	Guest	Yeah, ya made it!
00:40:04	Fielding	Guest	I got to be “middle-aged hostess with a secret” on The CW!
00:40:07	Biz	Host	Yes! Yes! Oh my god, what show on The CW? Which one?
00:40:11	Fielding	Guest	I know. I just pulled that out of my ass. [Laughs.]
00:40:14	Biz	Host	Oh, dammit! I’m like—I’m like, “Was it—was it Stargirl?” Was it—
00:40:17	Fielding	Guest	I’m trying to manifest. I’m trying to manifest. I’m just trying to manifest. Yeah.
00:40:20	Biz	Host	Oh, come on. Everybody’s gotta be a dead body at least once on one of these Law & Order shows.
00:40:24	Fielding	Guest	Alright. Okay. I was non—non—
00:40:25	Larry	Guest	Were you a dead body ever?
00:40:27	Fielding	Guest	No, I was “non-threatening attractive patron” in Magic Mike. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] That’s my claim to fame right now. [Laughs.]
00:40:33	Biz	Host	Why was that not in your bio?
00:40:34	Fielding	Guest	I know, right? Right?!
00:40:36	Larry	Guest	She was the stenographer in the Liberace movie.
00:40:38	Fielding	Guest	I always forget that. I was the silent stenographer in Behind the Candelabra. Okay. We don’t have to go over my sad, sad IMDB. But— [Biz laughs.] But you’re right in that we—it’s something like this alchemy or—we know each other so well, for better or for worse, that we do feel right away when it’s just gone to a place that… is… like, “Where did the love go” and it’s—it just doesn’t feel connected. Like, even in our worst fight, you can still be connected. I can look into his eyes and know that like he’s there. He’s there for me. You know?
00:41:09	Larry	Guest	And if it’s not, then it’s—it gets scary. It gets a little scary.
00:41:13	Fielding	Guest	Yeah. But I’ve never—I’m not scared of you. ‘Cause I’m like—[Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] I mean, like, y’know. I’m just like—if Larry leaves me, I’ll just, y’know, go to a women’s yoga retreat in Albuquerque and have more time for naps. It’s like—it’s not really a problem.
00:41:28	Larry	Guest	I think it is because we’re just so different that it’s—and the only thing I think that really has kept us together—
00:41:34	Fielding	Guest	The only thing? Is our [inaudible]?
00:41:37	Biz	Host	The cat? The cats.
00:41:38	Fielding	Guest	The cats.
00:41:39	Larry	Guest	The cats were important. But comedy. I think honestly we laugh a lot. We have a similar kind of, like, view of the world. And we just giggle about certain things. We didn’t—if we weren’t able to laugh at that, there’s no way we would’ve made it. Would’ve made it through this.
00:41:52	Fielding	Guest	Well I don’t know about you with your husband. I mean, there is something to be said to the like—I know I can basically—I can say anything in front of my husband. And there’s something very—when—I grew up very… kind of self-stifled and shut down. So there’s something extremely freeing about having this witness, for better or for worse. Y’know. Even though I—y’know. Yeah.
00:42:09	Biz	Host	Yeah. Better or worse. No. I think—but that—the component—like, being able to say anything. Like, knowing with confidence that you can say anything in front of this person and they’re not gonna judge you. They’re still gonna be with you. I mean, they might say, “Wow, that was—that was more than I wanted.” But it doesn’t mean it’s over. [Laughs.] Right? I think that that plays into that whole… idea of being—no, not everybody should be like yelling at each other all the time.
00:42:38	Fielding	Guest	Yeah! Yeah, exactly.
00:42:40	Biz	Host	But being able to know… like, my husband always jokes, “Do you believe me now that I’m never gonna leave you?” [Laughs.] Right? Like that’s our constant joke. Right? I’m like, “Maybe. Maybe today. I don’t know. Maybe.” Right? And I know that he’s not, but there’s that—but that’s like—what is that face, Larry? [Laughs.] [Fielding laughs.]
00:42:56	Fielding	Guest	Right. And who knows? Who knows?
00:42:59	Biz	Host	Y’know? Like—just that notion that if I’m gonna like be my true self and that that’s going to scare them away. Now, I know—I know that that’s not the case.
00:43:08	Fielding	Guest	What was that face?
00:43:10	Biz	Host	So like… but I think… I think those two things have to be there. You have to be able to have that confidence that it’s not gonna blow up. And I—y’know, I wonder if that’s really hard to get!
00:43:21	Larry	Guest	We had a friend over here once and—I’m not gonna say her name. But—and we were—they’ve been together—they have three kids or two kids. And I remember she shared with us how little they talk about things that kind of matter? Or she can’t really… and we were like—and she’s always kinda—
00:43:38	Fielding	Guest	I think more relationships than you think are like that.
00:43:40	Larry	Guest	—kinda like playing a role.
00:43:41	Fielding	Guest	Where they’re afraid of that one wrong move or afraid if someone really got to know me. Right.
00:43:45	Larry	Guest	Well she plays a role with her husband and she can’t really—and so she basically—we were saying something about farting or something. [Biz laughs.] And she went, “Oh my god, I’ve never farted in front of my husband.”
00:43:53	Fielding	Guest	And we literally both like… combusted. I was like, “If I couldn’t rip one in front of my husband, what’s the point of living?!”
00:44:00	Larry	Guest	I said, “How did you achieve that and you guys have been together for eighteen years. How has that not happened?” She goes, “I don’t know. It would be mortifying for either one of us.”
00:44:08	Fielding	Guest	I mean, not to gross everyone out? It’s like—I’ve literally checked to see if I’ve got my period with my bare hand in front of my husband. And he’s like—
00:44:14	Biz	Host	Good job! Good marriage, everybody!
00:44:16	Fielding	Guest	“Do you still love me? Do you still love me?” [Laughs.]
00:44:19	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Larry, quick! Bring us home with the grossest, weirdest thing you’ve ever done! I’m just kidding. You do not have to do that. Fielding: And I’m like, “You know what? You know what? I can. I can.” Larry: I can tell you what it is.
00:44:24	Fielding	Guest	No, don’t—[Laughs.] No, don’t say anything! Don’t—no. I mean, you could talk about your prediabetic episode. But we don’t wanna bore your listeners to death. [Laughs.]
00:44:32	Biz	Host	No, no, no. That sounds like a lot of fun, too.
00:44:35	Fielding	Guest	No, let’s table the psoriasis, the diabetes, and—
00:44:39	Larry	Guest	I remember the very first time I moved in with her? The night I moved in with her?
00:44:43	Fielding	Guest	Oh, this is funny. This is funny. Yeah.
00:44:45	Larry	Guest	She cooked a meal for me and I went—and I’ve already moved in. So I—
00:44:49	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: And by the way, this is the first— Larry: Alright. ‘K. Can I finish?
00:44:52	Fielding	Guest	But just set the tone that I’ve never—this is my first time living with a man. Like, first night. Yeah.
00:44:56	Biz	Host	With a man.
00:44:58	Larry	Guest	So I move into the condo. She cooks a great meal, and I go, “I don’t know what’s going on. Something’s gonna happen.” [Fielding laughs.] “Close your door.” And I got the—I got like the flu! Like, the first night! And it was so bad that I remember—
00:45:11	Fielding	Guest	And I heard him and I’m like, “Is this my life?”
00:45:14	Larry	Guest	I was hanging onto the toilet. I was hanging onto the toilet bowl and I fainted at one point. Like, that’s how bad it was. Yeah. I was on the floor—
00:45:21	Fielding	Guest	You should be ashamed of yourself! What is wrong with you?
00:45:24	Larry	Guest	And I was like, “I don’t know what the hell happened!” But that was the first—that was our christening.
00:45:27	Fielding	Guest	And I feel like we should pay attention to that. You know when you watch a soap opera and there’s a wedding and there’s like a hurricane during the wedding and you know they’re gonna get divorced? Like, maybe that was a bad sign. [Laughs.]
00:45:35	Larry	Guest	Maybe.
00:45:37	Biz	Host	An internal hurricane.
00:45:39	Fielding	Guest	Yeah! Yes!
00:45:40	Biz	Host	Well, it has been—now I have to stop because we’ve taken so much time with the cat podcast. [Multiple people laugh.]
00:45:47	Fielding	Guest	It’s happening. It’s happening.
00:45:48	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Oh, it’s happening! Don’t—guys—there—oh! Pussy Galore is so good! Fielding: It’s Pussy Galore. Pussy Galore. Pussy Galore. Octopussy or Pussy Galore. Yeah.
00:45:57	Biz	Host	Raowr! Take a look at my Pussy Galore. That—
00:45:59	Fielding	Guest	Ooooh!
00:46:01	Biz	Host	That says—a lot of hashtag-ing. [Fielding laughs.] Alright. Bitter Homes and Gardens. We’re gonna make sure that everybody knows how to find it. Everybody knows how to use the internet and like… Google things? [Multiple people laugh.] But sometimes we’re all too fucking lazy and we just wanna click it. So we’re gonna make sure people can click it. And I just—y’know—Larry and Fielding, thank you so much for joining us! This was a good time!
00:46:27	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: Thank you, Biz! It was an honor. Larry: I just wanted to say, Elizabeth, that you—
00:46:30	Larry	Guest	Your name is a combination of our first names!
00:46:32	Fielding	Guest	Actually, that’s so crazy! I just realized that! My first name is Elizabeth and his real name—
00:46:37	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: —is Lawrence! Larry: My name is Lawrence!
00:46:38	Biz	Host	Oh my gosh!
00:46:40	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: We should be in a throuple! Let’s be in a throuple! Biz: We must be in a throuple! And just pet cats! Just pet cats.
00:46:45	Fielding	Guest	My first name—Fielding’s my middle name, which is what I go by. To blow my cover. But Eliza—I was Lizzie for like the first twenty years of my life.
00:46:51	Larry	Guest	And I’m Lawrence Joseph Clark. That’s my actual name.
00:46:52	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Oh my gosh! It’s—wait, quick! What’s your sign? [Laughs.] Fielding: That’s—this is crazy!
00:46:56	Larry	Guest	Aquarius!
00:46:57	Fielding	Guest	Gemini!
00:46:58	Biz	Host	Capricorn! Never mind. [Multiple people laugh.] It’s okay. I’ll just—
00:47:03	Fielding	Guest	Pussy Galore. Look at my—look at our pussy galores!
00:47:06	Biz	Host	Look at our pussy galore! It’s a—yeah. Okay. This is happening. Everybody? Tune in for that. [Multiple people laugh.] Thank you guys so much! Thank you!
00:47:14	Fielding	Guest	Thank you so much! This was a blast.
00:47:15	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Fielding: We loved it. Wish we could—wish we could all have a sleepover. So wonderful. Larry: Thank you. You’re great. Yeah. You’re very—you’re very funny. Biz: I know. Oh my god, can—can parents still have sleepovers? I’d like to do that.
00:47:23	Fielding	Guest	Yes! All I want is just to eat Brownie Nut Blast and watch Sex and the City. Not 2, but 1. Yeah.
00:47:28	Biz	Host	Brush my hair. Braid it.
00:47:30	Fielding	Guest	Arm tickle game. Arm tickle game.
00:47:31	Biz	Host	Yeah. A little witchcraft. A little, like, “Light as a feather, stiff as a board.”
00:47:35	Fielding	Guest	Ouija board. Lava lamps.
00:47:37	Biz	Host	Yep. Done.
00:47:38	Fielding	Guest	That’s all I want. That’s all I want.
00:47:39	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Done. Done. Give this woman a sleepover! [Laughs.] Fielding: And then Larry would just bring in treats. [Laughs.] Larry: Okay. Sleepover.
00:47:44	Fielding	Guest	I’m dying for a sleepover!
00:47:45	Biz	Host	Bye, guys! Thank you so much!
00:47:47	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Larry: Okay. Take care. Thank you. Fielding: Thank you so much. You’re the best. Such a blast. Thank you. Biz: You are, too!
00:47:51	Music	Music	“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds. [Music fades out.]
00:48:08	Music	Promo	Inspirational keyboard music plays in background.
00:48:09	Biz	Promo	One Bad Mother is supported in part by KiwiCo. We all know this school year will be filled with transitions. [Laughs.] And as parents, it can be time-consuming to give your kids the extra help they might need this school year. Well, here’s a little bit of help! Hands-on science and art projects you can get delivered to your door. We have talked about KiwiCo on this show for a very long time. Because we genuinely love the different kits that KiwiCo sends our kids. I have to tell you one of my favorite is the air cannon. It’s science and art and it is, in fact, fun. Ellis and I played with those air cannons. We blew out targets. We tried the different size sort of holes that the air would come through, through the cannon. To experiment which created more force? It was awesome! Look, KiwiCo is redefining learning with hands-on projects that build confidence, creativity, and critical thinking skills. There’s something for every kid—or kid-at-heart— [Laughs.] Me. At KiwiCo! Get 50% off your first month. Plus, free shipping on any crate line with code “badmother” at KiwiCo.com. That’s 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code “badmother.”
00:49:41	Theresa	Host	Hey, you know what it’s time for! This week’s genius and fails! This is the part of the show where we share our genius moment of the week, as well as our failures, and feel better about ourselves by hearing yours. You can share some of your own by calling 206-350-9485. That’s 206-350-9485.
00:50:02	Biz	Host	[Singing] Genius fail tiiiime. Genius me, me.
00:50:07	Clip	Clip	[Dramatic, swelling music in background.] Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius!
00:50:20	Biz	Host	Okay. I will. I… have had—I’m not sure if people know this. I have stepped in as the President of the—whatever you want to call it at your school. PTA. PTO. WPO. Whatever your school’s little special-moniker-parent organization. It was a really close call, but it turns out I’m the only person who said that they would do it. [Laughs.] That is gonna be on my tombstone. So anyway, one of the jobs I needed to set up was to have people come in and serve lunch at the school. And there were also all these emails saying, “We don’t really want a lot of parents on campus because of COVID. We need to keep it limited.” And I reached out to the administration and asked, “Hey—do—do you want me to set this up?” And they’re very busy. So they weren’t able to get back to me. [Laughs.] So I just assumed all good! It wasn’t. So I have been there for three days volunteering and passing out these lunches. And the genius here is—I know. You’re like, “Where is the genius in this?” The genius is—it has been so much fun! I mean, it’s been hot as hell. And like—but I just… like seeing kids and talking to kids. And like passing out their food. And like, “Hey! That—you’re a kid and you’re a kid—hey, that’s cool, kid!” There’s like a high schooler who comes over who just looks like they are straight out of Hot Topic and it turns out that they work at a Hot Topic! Nailed it! Love that kid! So anyway, it’s just been a really… fun? Being on campus and seeing all the kids. So I’m counting that as a genius! So yay… for volunteering! [Laughs.]
00:52:10	Caller	Caller	[Answering machine beeps.] Hi! I’ve got a genius. So I have a two-year-old preparing to go to a new daycare/preschool/whatever. And because he’s so young, he—well, anyway, he just doesn’t have a lot of chance to go into public. So we—we have a lovey. He’s got a lovey. It’s a little sheep and this thing has been through the laundry so much, but it is—I mean, he is attached to this thing. So I was wondering, how are we gonna send this to school with him? And then be able to, y’know, keep track of whose it is or if it’s ever lost or left somewhere. I mean, that would be a huge… [Biz laughs.] —problem for our kid. So anyway, what we decided to do is go to the pet store. We found a kitten collar. It was on clearance. [Biz laughs.] And then we got one of those make-your-own-ID-badge for your animal, but in this case it’s for our lovey the sheep. So for the low, low price of $15, I’m hoping to prevent loss and stealing or leaving behind or basically a lot of tears. So… buy a kitten collar for your kid’s lovey! [Laughs.] And prevent future meltdowns! Have a great day. You’re doing a great job and so am I! Bye!
00:53:32	Biz	Host	You are doing a great job! I don’t know what—this is—this is such a genius! I… [Laughs.] It feels like the kind of genius that we all should have figured out at some point in time? But—I don’t know. Because I have cats. Gabe’s looking at me like, “Why the fuck would anybody think about that?” I don’t know. We’re constantly labeling once children get into our house. And that—like—I think about all the toys that have fake collars anyway? I—you are a genius. This is so smart. You are doing such a good job. Failures.
00:54:09	Clip	Clip	[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.] Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL! [Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.] Biz: [Calmly] You suck!
00:54:15	Biz	Host	Fail me, me. Okay. Well, duh-duh-duh—everybody, I hope you read between the lines. It was my very first three days [through laughter] of not having children in the house! And I spent most of that time at school. I am failing at knowing how to stay at home. Stay inside my house. [Laughs.] So… don’t worry. I’ve sent a sign-up sheet out. Volunteers will sign up to cover the lunches. But part of me will also miss those kids. [Laughs.] ‘Cause I’ve been their first three days of school comfort touchstone! Or weird old adult who’s talking to them. One of those things. But—yeah! I just messed up—messed up those first solo days that I’ve been waiting for for years now. Oh well.
00:55:05	Caller	Caller	[Answering machine beeps.] Hi. This is a fail. I just logged on for my first day of work after my parental leave and went on the computer for ten minutes. I woke up ten minutes before my alarm. My husband stayed up all night with the baby so that I would get good rest. And then I realized that it is Sunday. It’s not Monday. It is Sunday. So now I’m here watching my beautiful babe do tummy time, drinking my coffee. Trying to turn this into a genius that I get a bonus day before going back to work? Anyway. Thanks. You’re doing a great job. Bye.
00:55:55	Biz	Host	I really just—well, A, secretly you’re doing a good job trying to spin this so that it’s like an extra day. [Laughs.] But, uh…. Yeah. This is a fail. And this is a fail that listeners of the show recently will note that we have had multiple of. And I know we’ve had a lot of like wrong day, wrong school, wrong—like, multiple that you’re not at the right—all those things. I wanted to share yet another one ‘cause I really want to bring home [through laughter] this insight. That none of us are okay. That this is normal. That your brain… is really busy doing other things now. And multiple things. That aren’t the same multiple things you used to do. And like—showing up on the wrong day or not knowing what day it is? All of those types of mistakes are so normal that they should just be like, “Oh, yeah, whatever.” Like, it’s sort of like, y’know, walking out the door with spit-up on your shirt and being in court all day before you realize it. That’s very normal. Not knowing where you are or where you’re supposed to be? Also very normal. Very… normal. It’s like time travel. I think. You’re doing a horrible job. [Laughs.]
00:57:21	Music	Music	“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics. You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known. I love you, I love you. When I have a problem, I call you on the phone. I love you, I love you. [Music fades out.]
00:57:44	Music	Promo	Cheerful ukulele with whistling plays in background.
00:57:45	Biz	Promo	One Bad Mother is supported in part by HelloFresh. With HelloFresh you get fresh, pre-measured ingredients and the mouthwatering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door. You can skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. And that’s why it’s America’s #1 Meal Kit. It has been just like the perfect, “Yay! I actually don’t have to overthink a meal tonight!” Because, y’know, always cooking when there are kids in my house. So go to HelloFresh.com/badmother14 and use code “badmother14” for up to 14 free meals. Wow! Including free shipping. That’s HelloFresh.com/badmother14 and code “badmother14” for up to 14 free meals. [Music fades out.]
00:58:42	Promo	Clip	Music: "Money Won't Pay," by bo en (feat. Augustus). Upbeat, cheerful music. Rachel McElroy: Congratulations! You’ve won a ticket to attend an exclusive opportunity in a relaxing environment with two lovers. [Laughs.] Griffin McElroy: Wow! Well, this sounds like a sort of… proposition of sorts, but really it’s an ad for our podcast, Wonderful! It’s a show we do here on Maximum Fun where we talk about things that we like and things that we’re into. Rachel: I’m Rachel McElroy and you just heard Griffin McElroy and we are excited for you to join us as we talk about movies and music and books! Griffin: Things like sneezing. Or… the idea of rain. [Both laugh.] Rachel: Can you get news or information you can use? [Simultaneously] Rachel: I don’t think so! Griffin: Absolutely you cannot! Griffin: Because we’re here to talk to you about pumpernickel bread. Rachel: You can find new episodes on Wednesdays. Griffin: [Extreeeme announcer voice] So catch th—catch the waaaave!
00:59:28	Promo	Clip	Music: Guitar strums as singer counts out “One, two, one two three four.” Up-tempo guitar and harmonica music plays in the background. Justin McElroy: Hi, everybody! My name is Justin McElroy. Dr. Sydnee McElroy: I’m Sydnee McElroy! Justin: We’re both doctors, and— Sydnee: Nope. Just me. Justin: Okay, well Sydnee’s a doctor and I’m a medical enthusiast. Sydnee: Okay. Justin: And we created Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine! Sydnee: Every week I dig through the annals of medical history to bring you the wildest, grossest—sometimes dumbest—tales of ways we’ve tried to treat people throughout history! Justin: Eh, lately we do a lot of modern fake medicine. ‘Cause everything’s a disaster. But it’s slightly less of a disaster every Friday, right here on MaximumFun.org, as we bring you Sawbones: A Marital Tour of Misguided Medicine. And remember: Sydnee: Don’t drill a hole in your head. [Music ends.]
01:00:11	Biz	Host	Alright, everybody. It’s time… to listen to a mom… have a breakdown.
01:00:17	Caller	Caller	[Answering machine beeps.] Hey. This is a mom having a breakdown. I just… needed to hear someone say that I was doing a great job. ‘Cause it all feels like way too much. And, um… I know I’m gonna be fine, but it doesn’t feel fine. My dad died a week ago. It was—the fact that he couldn’t get a bed in an ICU that could manage his care because so many people wouldn’t get the vaccine. And there are so many people who have COVID in his state that they were taking up all of the beds in hospitals that could have taken him on. And it wasn’t even COVID that he died of, ‘cause he was careful and he got his vaccine. And now he’s dead. Because his brain disorder and his lung disease killed him ‘cause the hospital he was at didn’t have a neurologist or a pulmonologist. And their cardiologist was on vacation. And now he’s dead. And I have to plan his funeral. And it’s just too much. And now his dog is dying today. My stepmom has to put their dog down. And that feels supremely unfair after everything else he’s been through for the last few weeks, to have to make that decision and have her go through that. And my kids don’t know why I haven’t been home in a month because I’ve been dealing with my dad out of state. And I got home and everybody’s being weird and it’s stressed out and they’re happy to see me but they’re acting out because I’m home. I’m not being very patient ‘cause I’m stressed out and tired and I’m being snappy and it’s just all… unbearably bad. It is—it is just all bad. There’s nothing good this week. And that sucks. A lot. [Sighs.] So I just pulled up to the church to plan my father’s funeral. And I just needed to hear that I was doing a good job ‘cause this feels bad. It feels really hard. [Through tears.] So thanks for being there. Bye.
01:02:37	Biz	Host	First of all, you are doing a remarkable job. That’s—you—[sighs.] Thank you for leading with—with—with what you led with. Because we’ve had those calls where people are like, “Things aren’t going very well” and then in the last, like, five seconds they’re like, “And my parent died.” Losing your parent is—regardless of the relationship you had with them—is… it is really… difficult. I mean, there are not words that are really appropriate, I think, to describe that experience. And… y’know, all the COVID things aside, all of—like, all of that aside, what—[sighs.] What this really centers on is the reality that you have… really impossible things happening in your life at the same time as having to walk through all the normal—quote-unquote “normal”—things that you have to walk through with when you have kids. It’s—it’s really like being in two legitimately different places at once. And they can’t understand. And you certainly can’t lay it out on ‘em. [Laughs.] Children are horrible listeners. And this responsibility falls to you and you are correct. It is too much. I just really want you to know that you are doing a remarkable job. And to remind all of us that impossible situations, sad situations, heartbreaking situations, are not the same thing as us doing or not doing a good job. Those are just the circumstances that we will find ourselves in at different stages. And… showing up? Means that you’re doing a remarkable fucking job in a truly, truly heartbreaking situation. And I am so sorry for your loss. I think you are remarkable and you are not alone. And I really see you and all that you’re going through right now. You are remarkable. Alright, everybody. This has been quite the show. [Laughs.] Covered a lot of things. But I think the main thing that I am struck by from this week’s show is just—again—and I hate saying it over and over, but I have to remind myself—just the fact that we have zero idea what the person next to us in car line or drop-off or the store or Target or whatever—is dealing with. They may be pushing their kid in the stroller and the kid is totally not having a breakdown and they’re wearing matching clothes, but none of that means that they’ve got some sort of, like, special leg up on what’s happening in the world. They could easily be dealing with grief, loss, just the frustration of everything that’s happening right now. We have no idea. And I think it… really provides us an opportunity to push ourselves to… be aware of that and really try and treat each other with kindness and assume the best before assuming the worst. Because there are so many things that we can connect with each other on. And even if that one thing is just letting each other know that you’re doing a good job? I keep hearing on the calls people saying, “I just called in mainly to hear that I’m doing a good job.” Well you are doing a good job! You are! It’s contagious! Go out and tell others when you see them! And remember, doing a good job does not mean you just tore down your house and built it from scratch all the time while breastfeeding a baby and holding down a full-time job! It means remembering pants that day. It [through laughter] means you actually put all the things you needed to in a school lunch. Or turned in a form. Or showed up for pickup on the right day! Those are all signs that you’re doing a good job. Because you are. And I will talk to you next week. Bye!
01:08:03	Music	Music	“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics. I got the lowdown momma blues Got the the lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues The lowdown momma blues. Gots the lowdown momma blues Got the lowdown momma blues You know that’s right. [Music fades somewhat, briefly plays in background of dialogue.]
01:08:27	Biz	Host	We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Gabe Mara; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.
01:08:55	Theresa	Host	One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate. [Music continues for a while before fading out.]
01:09:19	Music	Transition	A cheerful ukulele chord.
01:09:20	Speaker 1	Guest	MaximumFun.org.
01:09:21	Speaker 2	Guest	Comedy and culture.
01:09:22	Speaker 3	Guest	Artist owned—
01:09:23	Speaker 4	Guest	—Audience supported.

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About the show

One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren’t all magical vessels!

Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing.

Call in your geniuses and fails: 206-350-9485. For booking and guest ideas, please email onebadmother@maximumfun.org. To keep up with One Bad Mother on social media, follow @onebadmothers on Twitter and Instagram.