TRANSCRIPT One Bad Mother Episode 422: The UMPTEENTH Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant! with Rebecca Blum

00:00:00

Biz Ellis

Host

Hi. I’m Biz.

00:00:01

Theresa Thorn

Host

And I’m Theresa.

00:00:02

Biz

Host

Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.

00:00:20

Music

Music

“Summon the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums.

[Continues through dialogue.]

00:00:24

Biz

Host

This week on One Bad Mother—it’s the umpteenth Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant!—Labor Day Edition! 

00:00:32

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz and Rebecca: Wooooo!

00:00:37

Biz

Host

Oh my gosh! Somebody’s wooing with me! This is so exciting! I’m not alone! I’m okay. Technically, you all have been wooing with me. And I appreciate that. But today there is a live woo, because joining me for the Genius Fail Spectacular, I am so excited to welcome back Rebecca Blum, who has cohosted with us a few times over the pandemic. Welcome back! 

00:01:01

Rebecca Blum

Guest

Thank you! I’m so excited to be here.

00:01:03

Biz

Host

I am so excited to be here. And I’m—well, I’m excited to be here every week. So that was weird.

[Rebecca laughs.] 

I’m excited that you are here. So just so everybody remembers, Rebecca’s been teaching Early Childhood Education and Early Elementary Education for seventeen years. Eighteen years now. Is it—a long—

00:01:22

Rebecca

Guest

Eighteen now.

00:01:23

Biz

Host

A long time. 

00:01:24

Host

A loooong, long time.

[Biz laughs.] 

00:01:27

Biz

Host

Her hope—I think, like pandemic years, though? That’s like five years. Right? [Laughs.] 

00:01:31

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Rebecca: Yes. Yes. You add. So now I’m up to twenty-three.

Biz: Pandemic is like—

00:01:34

Rebecca

Guest

I’m sure they’re gonna compensate me for that.

[Biz laughs.] 

It’s gonna be fine.

00:01:38

Biz

Host

[Through laughter] Yeah. The mental health. Anyway.

[Rebecca laughs.] 

Uh, she also has a beautiful blended family with four stepchildren and a toddler! They didn’t age faster during the pandemic. [Laughs.] 

00:01:50

Rebecca

Guest

No. No. Time moves slower. It was completely… a different ballgame.

00:01:56

Biz

Host

It was! It was a different ballgame. 

00:01:59

Rebecca

Guest

It’s like… two time tunnels moving in different speeds. Sorry, continue.

00:02:04

Biz

Host

No, that’s like physics. 

00:02:06

Rebecca

Guest

I aged five years and my child aged at a rapid, slow, snail-pace of half-time. That’s what happened.

[Biz laughs.] 

00:02:16

Biz

Host

Yeah! No. that makes sense. So I thought Rebecca would be a lot of fun to join us for the Genius Fail Spectacular, because I know them to be—[Laughs.] Very compassionate. And—and a little broken! So I think—

[Rebecca laughs.] 

—that’s the perfect combination when listening to genius fail calls. But I gotta do the—before we start, I have to just do my quick thank-you’s. I’m gonna kinda keep them short today, because we are doing Genius Fail Spectacular. But! I want to do a few thank-you’s.

00:02:46

Music

Music

Heavy electric guitar and driving percussion overlaid with “Ohh, oh-oh, oh-oh” and “Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey-ey” lyrics.

00:03:01

Biz

Host

Thank you, everybody in the medical profession. I say it every week and I will keep saying it. I am so sorry that the numbers keep going up and people just… cannot have nice things! I am so very sorry about that. But I continue to just be so thankful and grateful that you continue to show up to work, regardless of if you are a doctor. If you are a nurse. An EMT. The people who input the data. The people who keeps the hospitals and the doctors’ offices and all the facilities sanitized and clean. Thank you. And I’m just gonna do a quick thank-you to teachers ‘cause I’m looking at one. Thank you, Rebecca!

[Rebecca laughs.] 

And thank you all teachers and school administration and schoolboards and everybody who’s just trying to make this… work? I gotta—I do. I’m sorry. We’re just gonna derail the Genius Fail Spectacular right away. You are a teacher. I do not expect you to speak for all teachers. 

00:03:58

Rebecca

Guest

No. That’s how it works. I speak for all of them.

00:04:00

Biz

Host

Oh! Okay. Good. Am I—

[Rebecca laughs.] 

—correct in thinking that this is a tad stressful this year?

00:04:08

Rebecca

Guest

It’s stressful… I think it feels less stressful this year. Last year—it’s like it’s decreased as we’ve gone through. Like, the Thursday we went home and we had to be on Zoom on Tuesday? That was stress. That was high stress. 

[Biz laughs.] 

Then we had a whole year. That was stressful. And now I’m like… back in a classroom? This is exciting! I’m actually genuinely excited and it feels so normal? The only thing that’s different is the masks and the tests. And at this point, that’s so normal? For me? That I’m—I’m like, “We’re basically back! It’s fine.” 

[Biz laughs.] 

Obviously it’s not. Obviously I know we’re gonna spend some time on Zoom at some point, probably. But. Ugh. I know. But just like for a few days.

00:04:58

Biz

Host

I know, I know. I’m just like… [Laughs humorlessly.] 

00:05:00

Rebecca

Guest

But beyond that it really—it does—my classroom looks like a classroom. Like, it feels really good. I’m feeling really stoked and excited. And we also know that these students have really particular needs coming out of that time? So like, I don’t know. That gets my teacher juices going. I’m like—

[Biz laughs.] 

“Ooh! What cool stuff are we gonna do to get you back on board?”

[Biz laughs.] 

00:05:25

Biz

Host

I know. Lotta social and emotional. Lotta social and emotional. Hoo boy! Oh boy!

00:05:31

Rebecca

Guest

So much. So much. All day. All day and all night. 

00:05:35

Biz

Host

Oh! Yeah!

[Rebecca laughs.] 

Alright. I think that is a beautiful place to segue into… the Umpteenth—because I have lost count, everybody—

[Rebecca laughs.] 

Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant!

00:05:50

Music

Music

Celebratory symphonic music. 

00:05:58

Biz

Host

[Singing] Genius time! Genius time. Oh, Rebecca! [Regular voice] Because you are my cohost, I get to say… genius me!

00:06:08

Clip

Clip

[Dramatic, swelling music in background.]

Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius!

[Biz and Rebecca repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss their respective genius moments of the week.]

00:06:23

Rebecca

Guest

Well. I—this is really someone else’s genius, but I did it. And it makes me feel like a genius every time I see it. Is I—I like to organize my apps on my phone. Because, y’know, you gotta find stuff. And I have a cute picture of my baby on the back so I wanna see it. I don’t want apps all over his face. So I turned them into affirmations.

[Biz laughs.] 

And they are affirmations by their category. So all the things like I need on a regular basis says, “I am organized.” All financial apps say, “I am wealthy.” “I am here” is for any navigation devices. And “Here I am present.”

00:07:06

Biz

Host

Uh-huh. Yeah. Oooh! Ooh!

00:07:08

Rebecca

Guest

All my photos and scrapbooking apps—‘cause I’ve just discovered scrapbooking apps? Say, “I have memories.”

00:07:15

Biz

Host

Ohhhh! Do you have a “I am a Self” affirmation? 

00:07:21

Rebecca

Guest

See? That’s—that’s the problem.

[Biz laughs.] 

What app is that?

00:07:27

Biz

Host

I don’t know! I don’t know. All the apps are—my apps are all, like, basically—my affirmations are, “Yeah, you still have something to do. Here’s one more thing.”

[Rebecca laughs.] 

“Here’s another thing. Did you forget?” [Laughs.] 

00:07:38

Rebecca

Guest

“Did you forget there’s more?”

00:07:39

Biz

Host

“There’s more!”

00:07:40

Rebecca

Guest

Maybe “I am a Self” could be like my health insurance app?

00:07:45

Biz

Host

Eh, it could be. Or it could be, y’know, audio porn. Either way. 

00:07:49

Rebecca

Guest

Ooooh!

00:07:50

Biz

Host

Yeah. Y’know?

00:07:51

Rebecca

Guest

Could be. Could be.

[Biz laughs.] 

I like that. I think the goal—I think what you’re making me realize is I need some apps that are for me.

00:07:58

Biz

Host

That are just for you. Well, I think you’re a genius.

00:08:01

Rebecca

Guest

As a Self.

00:08:02

Biz

Host

I think you’re a genius!

00:08:03

Rebecca

Guest

Thank you.

00:08:04

Biz

Host

I think that’s really an amazing idea. And I might do that just to amuse myself. Good job.

00:08:09

Rebecca

Guest

Do it! 

00:08:10

Biz

Host

Alright. Everybody? Simple genius. Last week, I announced that my genius was dropping the forms off—the medical forms—for the school at the doctors’ offices. My fail was that I just let weeks pass without getting them. I went back and I got them. And they have been uploaded into the system. Now everybody knows that my children are still vaccinated. [Laughs.] They’re front and back sheet now? It’s pretty good. But that was the very last school form—as far as I know—that I needed to turn in. So. 

00:08:46

Rebecca

Guest

Good job. 

00:08:47

Biz

Host

Thank you so much. Now, let’s just shut up and bask in what we really want, and that is listening to you guys! Share your geniuses. 

00:08:56

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, Biz and Theresa. I have a genius moment. The kids are off at school. And I am having breakfast. And coffee on my patio. Doing a crossword puzzle and listening to music. I feel so great, considering I was a wreck Monday, the first day of school. Tuesday, Wednesday, and all last week. Thank you so much for getting me through basically [through laughter] my whole life.

[Biz laughs.] 

Biz, you’re doing a great job. Love you guys. Bye!

00:09:34

Biz

Host

You… are doing an amazing job. And I have to say—why I played this—look, we get calls a lot that are like, “I’m having coffee.” [Laughs.] And I think this is really fair! But like—

00:09:47

Rebecca

Guest

Genius!

00:09:48

Biz

Host

It is genius! But I need to emphasize that we just came off of, like… basically two years. Of many, many of us—if not all of us—having no real time. Zero time. You are doing a good job, and I’m really glad you said the thing about “It took a couple of days to get there.” I just hope everybody—like, when their kids are back in for how long or however short that’s gonna be, just have… that… moment. Right? 

00:10:22

Rebecca

Guest

Yes. 

00:10:23

Biz

Host

Yes! 

00:10:25

Rebecca

Guest

I had that moment this morning. It had to be at 5:30, and it only lasted ten minutes, but like… that was great! That is—that is a genius. It’s important. 

00:10:37

Biz

Host

And you are doing a really great job

00:10:40

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hey, One Bad Mother! I am a Southern California mom calling with a genius. So where we live, there are always wildfires at this time of year. And it turns our long commute to an even longer commute. And I typically dread these days because it’s not fun to try to occupy a three-year-old on a long drive with a clogged-up freeway when we’re just trying to get home and there’s a wildfire going on. So my genius is—the last time we got stuck in a traffic jam like this, I went on Amazon and I found a little car seat tray table sort of thing that just folds up. And I can store it in the backseat of the car. And it comes with coloring books and coloring supplies and I kept it a secret until today. Now that we’re driving home in the traffic through the fire, and so I was able to reach back there, pull it out. My three-year-old is delighted, and she totally doesn’t mind it’s gonna take us a long time to get home. I’m glad that my drive home is gonna be a little bit easier. You guys are doing a great job, and for today I think I am, too.

00:11:57

Biz

Host

Yeah! You are doing a great job! 

00:12:00

Rebecca

Guest

Awesome job. And one of the best geniuses there was keeping it a secret.

00:12:05

Biz

Host

Yes! Yes! Secret gift! Secret gift! 

00:12:08

Rebecca

Guest

Yes. I’ve learned you stash them? And then you bust ‘em out when you need ‘em? Total genius.

00:12:14

Biz

Host

It’s like a—like emergency calm pinata. You just have to whack it and like, “Here’s a thing!”

[Rebecca laughs.] 

 Yeah! I—you are a genius! 

00:12:24

Rebecca

Guest

Good job.

00:12:26

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hey, One Bad Mother. This is a genius. My very first-ever genius.

[Biz laughs.] 

I have a three-month-old and I’m using a Ring Sling with him. And that’s relevant. And so I—my keys are on a carabiner and I just realized today that I can clip my carabiner keys onto the ring of the Ring Sling? And then my hands are actually free! So that I can do things like make phone calls while walking around the park. I am a genius. I’m doing a great job, and so is everyone else. We got this. Bye. 

00:12:57

Biz

Host

Yes! Yes! This is like… y’know, I don’t—like, MacGyver style! And I think it’s important to remember this because I like when you have a three-month-old? Or really the first two years of life with a child. You’re not thinking a lot. Like—

[Rebecca laughs.] 

Well. Like, you’re so tired. Yeah!

00:13:21

Rebecca

Guest

No. Some of those neural net pathways have shut down.

00:13:23

Biz

Host

They—yeah! They said, “No more! We are going to—don’t even come calling!” 

00:13:29

Rebecca

Guest

“Just focus on that baby and leave us alone!”

00:13:32

Biz

Host

That’s right. “See you in twenty years!” 

[Rebecca laughs.] 

But so like—things like clipping? I can remember great clipping victories. “Ohhh! I just clipped that to this and then it won’t fall on the floor!” Or “I clipped this to this and—” But on the Ring Sling is such—‘cause there’s not a lot of places to clip on a Ring Sling.

00:13:53

Biz

Host

And you know we don’t have pockets as ladies! So… that is a triumph. Good job. 

00:13:59

Rebecca

Guest

I agree. Good job!

00:14:01

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, One Bad Mother! This is a genius. We are driving back from my aunt’s house. It’s a three-hour drive, and we accidentally put our activity bag in the trunk, of course. We’re on the highway when we realized it, so to keep our sleeping infant sleeping while the toddler, almost three, wants to play, we gave him the car manual holder to draw some newspaper we found in the car. And then he found out that the car manual is a book about cars! And he loves it. [Laughs.] And so now he’s reading—

[Biz laughs.] 

—our car manual. And our infant is asleep in the car seat and it’ll probably buy us, I dunno. Twenty minutes if we’re lucky? But—

[Biz laughs.] 

—that’s our genius. You’re all doing a great job. Thanks. Bye.

00:14:49

Biz

Host

Okay. I just have to let you know that both Rebecca and Gabe’s eyes both just, like, BOING! When you said, “There are pictures of cars in the car manual!” Both of their eyes were like, “What?!” Because it’s so—

00:15:03

Rebecca

Guest

It’s so good! 

00:15:04

Biz

Host

—good! It’s an accidental genius! It’s like—oooh! Who knew! That that would be that! 

00:15:11

Rebecca

Guest

My toddler is a gearhead, and he—that would totally work! That is so good. 

00:15:18

Biz

Host

It is so good.

00:15:21

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hey, I’m calling in with a genius. It’s kind of a piggyback genius. Years ago, before my first one was even teething, Theresa gave a great genius of having her youngest teethe on frozen waffles. And I took that and ran with it and right now, my youngest is teething the slowest-growing molars known to man. And I didn’t have frozen waffles, but I did have frozen potato smiley things!

[Biz laughs.] 

Those little, y’know, quote-unquote “hashbrowns,” quote-unquote “French fry” things that are smiley faces? Give that to him. He can hold it. He can chew on it. He loves it. But it’s not as messy as shoving blueberries into a little mesh thing. Which is great, but messy. ‘Cause it’s blueberries. Anyway, thanks for the show! Love you guys a lot. Bye!

00:16:22

Biz

Host

Oh, yeah. This—okay. You’re doing a very good job. You are a genius. I could spend, like, the rest of the show just talking about potatoes with smiley faces. Right? Like—

00:16:35

Rebecca

Guest

I actually don’t know what these are.

00:16:37

Biz

Host

I don’t know what they are either, because my children don’t eat anything.

[Rebecca laughs.] 

That—like, that’s even remotely fun. Right? Like—[Laughs.] And so I can’t—and Ellis won’t eat anything with a face, so I can’t give him—

00:16:48

Rebecca

Guest

Right. That’s—I just remembered that.

00:16:51

Biz

Host

—potatoes with a face. Or like a dinosaur-shaped chicken nugget. There are two things wrong with that, in Ellis’s world.

[Rebecca laughs.] 

So I have not seen these but I like that they exist, because… ‘cause why not? [Laughs.] Why not. And I just love these ideas for teethers! This is so good! Good job.

00:17:11

Rebecca

Guest

It’s genius.

00:17:12

Biz

Host

Good job remembering! 

00:17:13

Rebecca

Guest

Mmm.

00:17:14

Biz

Host

Right? 

00:17:15

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

I have a genius moment. I just said, “No” today. I just said, “No.” And I didn’t [inaudible] hear you. 

[Biz laughs.] 

I didn’t, like, do anything extra today. I didn’t get together with friends. I didn’t go to my mom’s house. I didn’t get together with cousins. I just… stayed home! And I got some things done I needed to get done. My kids are so crabby, but.

[Biz laughs.] 

But I’m in a better mood. Woo-hoo! You’re doing a great job. 

00:17:50

Biz

Host

You’re a genius. You’re a genius! 

00:17:54

Rebecca

Guest

Yeah. 

00:17:55

Biz

Host

What I like is that you eventually had to start talking as if you were talking to a child, because your child was there. I said, “No” to this and I said “No” to that—

[Rebecca laughs.] 

And “No” to this. And—I’m actually, like, in all seriousness I think this is a real genius.

00:18:15

Rebecca

Host

Totally.

00:18:17

Biz

Guest

Saying no is really hard!

00:18:18

Rebecca

Host

It is really hard. And I read this thing once—this parenting thing—that was like, “If you think about sometimes it feels like you didn’t do anything fun with your kids, but if you think about it from their perspective? They did this and they did this and they did this and it was fun.” But sometimes it needs to be from our perspective! Sometimes you just have to get your shit done! And… that’s okay. 

00:18:42

Biz

Guest

Yeah! It is okay! You get to say no! [Laughs.] Like, for real! You are doing a remarkable job. 

00:18:52

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hey, ladies! I have a genius that is so silly. 

[Biz laughs.] 

It is ridiculously stupid. But we have this random—one of my kids brought up an unused roll of wrapping paper. I have no idea where eit came from. It’s not that interesting. Not something I’m gonna use, really. [Through laughter] And my nineteen-month-old just un—took it out of like the wrapping thingy that it has? Like, the plastic covering? And is now just playing with wrapping paper. Unrolling. Covering it up as like a blanket for her? And it’s just fun. And I am just sitting watching it. Um… I’m watching the Olympics—[Laughs.] And she’s just being ridiculously silly with wrapping paper. And that’s all! Simple and fun. Thanks. And Biz, you’re doing amazing. Take some time off for yourself.

[Biz laughs.] 

You deserve it. Bye. 

00:19:49

Biz

Host

[Laughs, then is at a garbled loss for words.] I’m sorry, I cannot control myself from saying, “You let the good times… unroll before you.” Yeah? 

00:20:03

Rebecca

Guest

No.

00:20:04

Biz

Host

Yes! 

[Rebecca laughs.] 

I—thank you. Gabe says, “Yes.” Rebecca? You’re gone! I’m just gonna—[Laughs.] 

00:20:11

Rebecca

Guest

I’m outta here!

00:20:12

Biz

Host

You’re outta here! I remember once, Raiden—the artist formerly known as Katy Belle—when they were like three, like, she started playing with a towel? Outside? And just—it was almost infuriating how much fun they were having with a towel. And I was like, “What? No! I mean, yay, but—” Once you get over that? It’s like, “Awww, that’s nice! They don’t need me to play with them! I love it!” 

00:20:40

Rebecca

Guest

Wrapping paper is amazingly fun and simple and wonderful. And—Olympics is like one of the few times this summer that I think I was calm. When I was watching the Olympics. It is—that just sounds calming. Thinking about it. I want to go to there. 

00:20:59

Biz

Host

Do you have an affirmation for that on your phone yet? 

00:21:03

Rebecca

Guest

I need one! I need an app that takes me to my baby playing with wrapping paper while I watch the Olympics.

00:21:10

Biz

Host

Oh, bonus points if it was gymnastics!

00:21:12

Rebecca

Guest

Yes! 

00:21:14

Biz

Host

You’re doing such a good job. All right, everybody. Let’s… enjoy—[Laughs.] Our last genius. 

00:21:21

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, Biz and Theresa! I am calling with a genius. We have had purple Kinetic Sand in a bin in our house for the whole pandemic and it gets everywhere. And I swear to god it’s a different consistency from the normal Kinetic Sand? And it’s been causing a lot of tantrums from me. 

[Biz laughs.] 

And today I lost it because it was on my children’s feet and then it was on the carpet and our bunks and our floor and they’re upstairs taking a bath and I just threw all of the Kinetic Sand away!

[Biz laughs.] 

I took out of a bottle. I took it out of salt shakers that they play with.

[Biz laughs.] 

I took it out of tins. I took it out of their play kitchen. I took it out of the tub. And I threw it away! And that’s it! And there’s no more Kinetic Sand. And I just feel like I’m doing a really good job.

[Biz laughs.] 

And so are you. 

00:22:18

Biz

Host

That’s right. You are doing—there’s so much here. I’m sorry. Like, A—

00:22:23

Rebecca

Guest

There’s so much.

00:22:24

Biz

Host

Yeah! First of all, you’re doing a really good job. The other thing that you may not appreciate about what a good job you’re doing? Is all the places you let your kids play with Kinetic Sand! Like, Rebecca—see Rebecca’s teacher face. Like—

00:22:40

Rebecca

Guest

Oh, I’m gonna lose it. 

00:22:42

Biz

Host

Right?

00:22:43

Rebecca

Guest

When she was listing all the places that it was. I was thinking about you and the glitter and like it just doesn’t exist. Like my Kinetic Sand is in a bag, in a bag, in the bin, in a closet up high. 

00:22:56

Biz

Host

Yeah! But she’s also right about the consistency. ‘Cause we had Kinetic Sand for a while, and it was gold. It did all the stuff it was supposed to do. It stayed. And if it fell out of the bin, whatever, that it was—wherever they were playing, it was really easy just to like sweep up! And it was really easy! I wonder if there’s just some… chemical. Unknown chemical. Possibly boogers from spit and children. That when mixed—or maybe a pouch? 

00:23:26

Rebecca

Guest

COVID.

00:23:27

Biz

Host

A pouch—squeeze—or COVID! Or just the actual, like… chemical reaction of having to be home so long with your children created like something physical that changed the consistency.

[Rebecca laughs.] 

Of Kinetic Sand. I just love that panic. “It’s not the same.” What this means is that this person has had conversations with other people who are like, “Well what kind of Kinetic Sand did you get? Are you sure it was—” Right? Like, “Did you make it yourself? Was it from the store?”

00:23:59

Rebecca

Guest

Did you get the—you got the on brand or the generic?

00:24:03

Biz

Host

Generic! That’s right! And you’re like—[Laughs.] So she’s gotta be like, “It’s not the same consistency as normal Kinetic Sand. It is the sand’s fault.” And you are the boss of that house!

00:24:15

Rebecca

Guest

Yeah! 

00:24:16

Biz

Host

And you are the boss of that Kinetic Sand!

00:24:18

Rebecca

Guest

Yeah!

00:24:19

Biz

Host

Good job!

00:24:20

Rebecca

Guest

Very good job. 

00:24:22

Biz

Host

You’re all doing a good job. You really are. Despite the fact that August’s phone line was really full of a lot of rants, guys. 

[Both laugh.]

It was on the rant-heavy side. But what’s great about that is that it should remind you that you are not alone. Not alone. Geniuses make us feel really good. But failures make us feel really great. 

00:24:49

Rebecca

Guest

Yeah!

00:24:50

Biz

Host

We will be back for the next part of the Umpteenth Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant!

00:24:59

Music

Music

Celebratory symphonic music. 

00:25:07

Music

Promo

Cheerful ukulele with whistling plays in background.

00:25:08

Biz

Promo

One Bad Mother is supported in part by BetterHelp online therapy. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you have, life can be stressful! And not just stressful. It can feel impossible sometimes. Kids in your house? Check. [Laughs.] Pandemic? Check. [Laughs.] Massive uncertainty about the choices we need to be making at a time like this? Yeah! I might need somebody to talk to. And look, even if you’re not feeling down and out and depressed? Or like you’re at a total loss? It doesn’t mean that talking it out and unloading can really make a difference. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. And it can be more affordable than in-person therapy. So see if it’s for you! This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, and One Bad Mother listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com/badmother. Have your first session in under 48 hours at B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com/badmother. 

[Music fades out.]

00:26:28

Biz

Host

We’re back! To the Umpteenth Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant!

00:26:32

Music

Music

Celebratory symphonic music. 

00:26:41

Biz

Host

And another opportunity for me to use my favorite sound cue. Rebecca? That was thrilling, wasn’t it? 

00:26:46

Rebecca

Guest

It was!

00:26:47

Biz

Host

It was! I really like hearing people’s good ideas.

00:26:50

Rebecca

Guest

It’s the best. It is the best feel-good thing I do. A handful of times a year. I love it.

00:26:58

Biz

Host

Yeah! Well it just is like—also, because most of the ideas sort of have a hint of insanity mixed in with them. Which is what makes them [through laughter] more delicious. Right? Like, “I just threw it away! [Inaudible.] Incredible!” 

00:27:15

Rebecca

Guest

“Threw it away. I took it out of here. I took it out of here.”

00:27:17

Biz

Host

“I took it out of here.” Like, I just—[Laughs.] Like, all of this? Genius.

00:27:21

Rebecca

Guest

I love it.

00:27:22

Biz

Host

But what’s more fun and really more therapeutic is listening to people fail. So with that said… Rebecca, fail me!

00:27:34

Clip

Clip

[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.]

Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL!

[Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.]

Biz: [Calmly] You suck!

[Biz and Rebecca repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss their respective failures of the week.]

00:27:41

Rebecca

Guest

Ohhhhh. 

[Biz laughs.] 

I… okay. So I have taught school now for eighteen years. I started by teaching preschool for seven years. So. When I sent my little toddler off to preschool on Monday for the first time—also, let me be clear. My little preschooler, who—we call him “The Mayor” because he waves to everyone.

[Biz laughs.] 

He never cried at daycare for two years. He’s like—he—if there’s a group of children standing around, he goes and he likes to stand in the center of it. So I thought… this is gonna be fine. ‘Cause my kid’s not like that. I’m like that. I’m anxious. I’m nervous about him going to school. But he’s not like that and it’s gonna be fine. My failure was that I forgot that he’s a human, and humans… do change. 

00:28:38

Biz

Host

No! [Laughs.] 

00:28:39

Rebecca

Guest

They are not static.

00:28:41

Biz

Host

Say it’s not so! [Laughs.] 

00:28:42

Rebecca

Guest

[Laughs.] And… he had a miserable week. And I had a miserable week. And… it was… awful. It was so bad. And I—I was like, “Okay. What did I tell parents and what do I need to do and what—” Like, trying to remember. No, no, no. It was some hellish karma that came my way. I must have judged some other mom.

[Biz laughs.] 

At some other time.

00:29:16

Biz

Host

Oh, yeah. That karma will come back.

00:29:18

Rebecca

Guest

‘Cause it was real bad. It was really bad. 

00:29:21

Biz

Host

So are you saying that your fail was just forgetting that this could happen?

00:29:25

Rebecca

Guest

Yeah! I mean—yes. 

00:29:27

Biz

Host

I wanna be clear about where I should poke you. 

00:29:30

Rebecca

Guest

Yeah. No. Feel free. We did a few activities this summer that I was like, “Well this is a first and he might be upset.” And every time he was like, “Got it. Bye.” So I really think the failure was… that I forgot that he could, like, feel differently about different things and be a human. And change his mind. Or change how he was feeling. I just thought, like, this is not a problem that we have. I was wrong.

00:30:00

Biz

Host

Yes. That—that is the failure. [Laughs.] That—because everything else, totally normal and sucks. [Laughs.] But the, like, the—ohhhh. I had to hit. I just like wish there was some way to make each other feel better during that first week. Because, like, it’s agony. There are so many rants of that. And I just—it’s agony! It is agony! And what sucks is even if you are the person whose kid just walks in the door, tra-la-la, two weeks later it could switch!

00:30:36

Rebecca

Guest

It could! It could!

00:30:37

Biz

Host

I mean, there’s no predicting it! Darn children! Uh—

[Rebecca laughs.] 

So you’re doing a horrible job not preparing yourself for emotional… failure? I don’t know. Sure! That’s a—we’ll come up with an affirmation for that.

[Both laugh.]

All right. So. This has been a failure before, and now I have really let it get worse. And that is… every week, Gabe makes these fantastic clips from the show. Puts it out on—and notes for the show, and he puts it up on Facebook for me. And then I’m supposed—all I’m supposed to do is put it on Instagram. And Twitter. ‘K? This is it. It’s all I gotta do.

00:31:24

Rebecca

Guest

Is this a—I’m sorry. Is this a repeat fail?

00:31:26

Biz

Host

That’s what I said! I said this is a fail I have said before.

[Rebecca laughs.] 

But I—like, it had only gone, like, eh, every week I was just like a couple of days late. It’s been possibly five weeks, guys. And it’s been a long time! And I don’t know what it is. All it is… is me cutting and pasting. This is all I have to do. Because Gabe is so wonderful. And I just need to put it up. Put it out there. And we’ve had killer guests in the last couple of weeks. All of which could stimulate some interesting conversation and/or provide people an opportunity to step in and say, “That was a great idea” or “Man, did I really feel that!” Right? Like… that is the whole point—I think—of social media. And I—I don’t know what it is! And then I just like—at night, I’m like, “Eh, gonna just do this! Just do it!” “Okay, I’m only two weeks behind! I can do an ‘In Case You Missed It!’” And then I’m like—and then it’s three weeks. “Oooh! What? We had our first two-parter? That’s gonna be weird if I don’t post that up there!” And now—now, it’s even weirder and it’s even later. And I mentioned this to my therapist today and they were like, “I wonder if it has to do with sharing.” And I was like, “What? I think it just has to do with me somehow fucking just making this be about… a hard task I don’t wanna do.” And she was like, “Maybe.” [Laughs.] I was like, “I share all day! Like, what are you talking about?!” Anyway, guys? There’s no hidden message. There’s no—I’m just, like, really tired? And like… spread a little—spread a little thin? And so the thing that I’m letting go? Is this very important thing to my work and my [through laughter] community? So I’m really sorry! Uh, so please forgive me when I vomit up, like, six shows. All at once.

[Rebecca laughs.] 

I… am sorry. And I just—and I’m also—Gabe, I’m also sorry. Because you work so hard, and I’m not—like, I just… I… I need to be better! Goddammit.

[Rebecca laughs.] 

Alright. There’s only one thing that will make me feel better. And that is listening to other people fail. 

00:33:37

Rebecca

Guest

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hey, guys. This is a fail. And it’s a self-care fail. I am alone in my house for the first time in a very long time, so I decided to do whatever I wanted. And my sister recently got me a grown-up paint-by-number, which is amazing. So I sat down and made some tea. Got my paint-by-number. Watched Netflix. And about three minutes into this whole, uh, adventure, I mistakenly put my paintbrush in my tea instead of the water cup that I put right next to it. And… I just… I don’t know. I have to laugh ‘cause I—I don’t—I don’t know how to self-care anymore, I guess?

[Biz laughs.] 

So I guess I’ll… make some new tea. And put it very far from the water cup. And, uh, enjoy some silence. Or a Netflix show. I don’t know. Anything but Blippi. Anyways. You guys are doing a great job.

[Biz laughs.] 

I’m doing alright. Bye. 

00:34:44

Biz

Host

I—yeah. No. The fail is you have forgotten how to self-care, but I gotta ask—did you drink it? Did you drink the paint tea? Were you just keeping—right? 

00:34:54

Rebecca

Guest

That’s a good question. That’s a good question. 

00:34:56

Biz

Host

Yeah. Let’s all play out the scenario in our own head. And what would happen. And sticking a paintbrush in your tea, in your coffee, in your wine, in your anything? That is… I am—I am very sorry. You were 90% there. You were 90% there! 

00:35:17

Rebecca

Guest

Yeah!

00:35:18

Biz

Host

Yeah! And then you fucked it up by being really tired. [Laughs.] 

00:35:22

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi! I’m calling with a little fail. I just had to laugh at my self-inflicted pain here. I have a three-and-a-half-year-old who is learning, y’know, consequences for behavior. And one of them is that sometimes toys have to take a break if you are doing something inappropriate. And he’s a big climber. Like, he can access anything in our house. He doesn’t care about baby locks and baby gates. He just gets around them. And so I put the toys that are taking a break up on the fridge, ‘cause that’s like the one place he can’t reach. And… today we were really struggling, and so there were lots of toys that ended up on top of the fridge.

[Multiple people laugh.] 

Including this really big pirate ship. And as I put it up there I thought, “Okay. Do not open the door with this on there.” ‘Cause it’s like—it’s just gonna crash down. And then I walked away. We resolved everything. We did bedtime. I come down. [Laughs.] I try to get something to eat. [Through laughter] And the pirate ship just comes crashing down on top of me. So. Y’know. There was a consequence for my own behavior. Right? Anyway. I suck.

[Biz laughs.] 

You guys are doing a great job. Thanks for the Hotline. Bye. 

00:36:44

Rebecca

Guest

[Sighs.] Yeah. That was a consequence for your own behavior.

[Biz laughs.] 

And you do suck! [Laughs.] 

00:36:49

Biz

Host

You do! I—the stuff on top of the fridge, like, we put stuff on the fridge. At some point I made a crazy promise to myself that I was gonna have a clean fridge top. I don’t know why. Now? I don’t know. I don’t know. There’s no moral standing behind it. I just was like… I don’t want it. That lasted, like, a day. But—so we have the cereal boxes and the lunch boxes and, like—and the lunchbox stuff kind of spread out. Like maybe a Thermos is up there. Like, those kind of things that we just have to grab every day. And they fall down all the time on me. Like—

00:37:26

Rebecca

Guest

All the time.

00:37:27

Biz

Host

All—it rains destruction!

00:37:29

Rebecca

Guest

We have a snack bin on top of our fridge because it’s a little hard to get to. To try to snack less? 

[Biz laughs.] 

But it doesn’t work. So we’re always taking it down and then it’s big and then it moves when you open the freezer and it’s a fucking nightmare. 

00:37:46

Biz

Host

Raining… consequences. Raining consequences. [Laughs.] 

00:37:52

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hey, One Bad Mother! This is an aggressively dumb fail that I did this morning. My husband, my almost-four-year-old, and I were sitting in the living room in the morning. Just trying to wake up. And there’s this fly buzzing around. It’s like a ginormous fly. It lands on our coffee table. 

[Biz laughs.] 

And I—[Laughs.] I like grab the nearest large object to try and kill this thing. ‘Cause my husband is holding my daughter in his lap so he can’t do it. So I grab the nearest heavy thing. And I raise it up. And I bring it down. And instead of it hitting the fly, the object inside of this box goes flying across the room and just smacks the wall super loudly. And it turns out that I’m, like—I hadn’t even really noticed, but I was holding my kid’s spirograph art set thing. 

[Biz laughs.] 

And… it’s just this large, heavy, plastic thing with art supplies in it. And it just—WHAM!—hits the wall super loudly. And my kid’s just watching this like, “What the fuck, mom. What possible reason would you have for throwing my toy across the room? Why would you do this? You are a monster. You cannot fix this.” [Laughs.] And so I grab this thing. I’ve broken it just a little bit. And my husband and her are just like, “Ohhh.” And I didn’t—I didn’t even kill the fly, guys. I didn’t even kill the fly. But y’know, even if I had? Like… best-case scenario, I’m using my kid’s toy to kill animals in front of her. So. Good job, me. 

[Biz laughs.] 

Hope you guys are doing better at parenting today. Have a good one. Bye.

00:39:53

Biz

Host

Wow. I love that you titled this “aggressive failure.” Because that’s what it is. When you’re hitting something and I mean—whatever you did to hit that hard to launch the object inside the box… out. And across the room. [Laughs.] That speaks volumes about general… like… emotional state? [Laughs.] 

00:40:16

Rebecca

Guest

You were pissed.

00:40:18

Biz

Host

You were pissed about something else and then that fly came along and you’re like, “Fine! I will get it!” Whack! And then like—

[Rebecca laughs.] 

—nothing good ever comes from that. Luckily, most of the time when that happens it is just that something shameful for you as a parent. And confusing to your child. Like, there are a million things we have used that are not a fly-swatter. In fact, that should be a book. “This is not a flyswatter.” 

[Rebecca laughs.] 

And it’s like, your phone. It’s—y’know, the school papers. Right? Like, it’s—something really important. The family photo album? Not a flyswatter. Right? Child’s art that they just made and brought home. That one.

00:41:03

Rebecca

Guest

And lovingly gave to you.

00:41:04

Biz

Host

Yeah. Lovingly—I’ve—that—I’ve done that. That’s not a flyswatter. Just wanna let you know. You’re doing a horrible job at something. 

00:41:15

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, One Bad Mother! This is a fail. And a rant. I was really frustrated by—I was planning a visit with an out-of-town relative who really wants to see us? But is also being very unclear about their availability. And you all know why this is hard. Driving out of town with young children means planning. So much planning. And packing. And working around nap schedules and all sorts of things. Plus one of my children has medical needs that include a bunch of daily medications and they are at higher risk of COVID complications. My child has a surgery coming up in a few weeks and I’m nervous about everything around that. Also… a lot of our family and friends back home have made different vaccination choices than us, so we’re not really casually coming home to pop in for visits right now. So I vented. To a very specific, close group of friends on a social media app. And either one of those people or the app features failed me, and that’s all I’ll say about that. And even though my rant there was… appropriate? And kind? And did not mention any names? I still have a damn mess to clean up. And it’s my fault. It is all my fault. But geez. I’m just so tired. Everything is so hard right now. And I thought it was a safe space to vent. And it wasn’t. And all it makes me wanna do is retreat even further from opening up to people. And… I just… this is all so hard. And I want to say, like, can we just all give each other a fucking break? 

[Biz laughs.] 

And not add more to the burden of other people if at all possible. Anyways, you’re all doing a great job. And right now I’m not sure that I am. 

00:43:04

Biz

Host

Actually, you’re doing a really remarkable job. Y’know. I mean, the only thing that’s a failure here—I mean, and I get—ugh. I get the sense of the failure about posting on, like, even though you think it’s to like a private group. Which is fair! Right? I mean, that is where we live these days, everybody! Like, y’know. Yeah! It… I… I get—I get that. But I—I think it’s actually fair that you tried to go there? To vent? Because… the situation—like, let’s go back. Let’s go back to pre-pandemic and just having new babies in your house. I mean—and the most boring of new babies. Okay? Not—new babies that don’t need extra anything. Just boring ol’ babies! They love cars. They love—they nap!

[Rebecca laughs.] 

They eat anything you give them! They burp like this—[tiny burp].

00:44:05

Rebecca

Guest

And they never spit it up! Ever!

00:44:07

Biz

Host

Yeah! They never spit it up! And they poop diamonds. Alright.

00:44:11

Rebecca

Guest

Ooooh.

00:44:12

Biz

Host

Even then… it is… really hard to schedule things and to go places. And… it is very hard for people who are not you to understand that. A lot of times. And I don’t think it’s intentional and it’s—I don’t think it comes from like a mean place. It’s just really hard sometimes to get your head around, like, “Just get in the car! Come over!” Right? Like—or “How about I just drop by any time?” So you can feel really crazy as a parent with a young child. Like, “Why can’t I just get in the car and go?” Oh, and then everybody—it looks like everybody else is able to do it but you. [Laughs.] So—

00:44:53

Rebecca

Guest

Totally.

00:44:54

Biz

Host

Right? And now, we are in a very different time. And… you’ve got—everybody who’s got a kid under twelve is stressed out right now.

00:45:08

Rebecca

Guest

Absolutely. 

00:45:09

Biz

Host

Right? And like… go ahead.

00:45:11

Rebecca

Guest

And you’re advocating for your kid. Like, that’s also a really important part of what you’re doing, which is that there’s been a few times that I’ve kind of thrown my hands up and been like, “I need to have a social experience. I need to go do this thing and I’m taking a risk and I’m gonna balance that with other choices I’m making,” but there’s been once or twice I’ve walked away and been like, “What the fuck was I thinking? That was a little—maybe a little too risky.” And it sounds like—for me and for my family and my unvaccinated kid. But you’ve got some really specific needs there of surgeries and immunity systems and compromised—and all of that. And so… you’ve got pandemic on top of special needs on top of people not understanding where you’re at.

00:46:03

Biz

Host

And on top of people—like, I am sorry. I just don’t think people need to be expected to… be accommodating to situations in which they don’t feel safe. For their children. And if you have friends and family who are choosing to not get vaccinated—and I know that, y’know, there are some reasons out there to why people cannot. It is an additional burden for you! It is not a burden for them! It is an additional burden for you. And that is unfair, and, y’know, I’m with you, Rebecca. I think what you’re doing is you’re advocating for your child, and, y’know, they’ve made their choices. You have to make your choices. And I think you’re doing a fucking remarkable job in a time in which there are no easy decisions. 

00:47:01

Rebecca

Guest

Totally.

00:47:02

Biz

Host

Yeah. But, y’know. I—ehhhh. I guess… don’t… ever go online? I don’t know!

00:47:11

Rebecca

Guest

No. Don’t talk to anyone about your needs.

[Biz laughs.] 

00:47:14

Biz

Host

Right!

00:47:15

Rebecca

Guest

Or worries. Bottle it up. That’s gonna end also really, really well. 

00:47:21

Rebecca

Guest

Really well. 

00:47:22

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hey, One Bad Mother! I just had to pull my Diva Cup out of my son’s mouth. So yeah. [Long pause.] That’s all.

00:47:33

Biz

Host

That’s enough!

[Both laugh.]

That’s enough! That is a fail!

00:47:39

Rebecca

Guest

That’s it!

00:47:40

Biz

Host

That’s it!

00:47:41

Rebecca

Guest

That’s the whole thing. 

00:47:42

Biz

Host

Didn’t take more than five seconds to see what the fail was. I don’t really know—I mean, like—I don’t know. I’m sure you didn’t leave it on the coffee table. Right? Like—but like—maybe. I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know. 

00:47:54

Rebecca

Guest

It was in the car bin? 

[Biz laughs.] 

00:47:56

Biz

Host

It was—[Laughs.] It was probably on top of the refrigerator. And then—you like opened it and it just fell right into your child’s mouth! I—y’know, and here’s the second question. Is the other thing I have to—because this is not the first Diva Cup fail and we’ve had more. And I—I’m like—do I get more weirded out that it was in my kid’s mouth—like, just anything related to my child—or is it weirder that I’m gonna use it, knowing it’s been in my child’s mouth. Right? Like, my child’s mouth—

00:48:26

Rebecca

Guest

Oh, you’re right!

00:48:27

Biz

Host

Right? Like, which is—which is technically weirder? The mouth? Or wherever you put Diva Cups. I think it’s your armpit. [Laughs.] 

00:48:35

Rebecca

Guest

But also, they all came from the same place! That’s where that kid’s mouth came from!

00:48:40

Biz

Host

That’s too deep. That’s too—[Laughs.] Just stop having a period already!

00:48:49

Rebecca

Guest

Yeah!

00:48:50

Biz

Host

That’s your failure!

00:48:52

Rebecca

Guest

Uteruses are dumb!

[Biz laughs.] 

00:48:56

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hey, guys. I am calling with a fail. So last Halloween I bought some sort of… craft kit thing and it apparently came with these little tiny plastic spiders. They’re basically glitter. [Sighs.] 

[Biz laughs.] 

They’re about the size of your thumbnail. They’re just flat spiders. Anyways, my kid found them in the art drawer last week. And I said to her, “Yeah, go ahead! Use those! Those are cute!” Now they’re all over [inaudible]. They’re everywhere. And it’s making me crazy because every time I look at one, I think, “Oh my god, there’s another spider in our house.”

[Both laugh.]

And so I’m walking around feeling like a crazy person. Like there’s a bunch of bugs in my house. And it’s just these fucking little plastic spider decorations. So that’s my fail. I failed myself by keeping those in my home. [Sighs.] That’s it. Thanks for the Hotline. 

00:49:49

Biz

Host

Oh, yeah. That—

00:49:51

Rebecca

Guest

There are two fails.

00:49:52

Biz

Host

Yeah! There are two fails!

00:49:54

Rebecca

Guest

You bought them, and then you told your kid to use them.

00:49:57

Biz

Host

Well no, okay. The buying them—yes. Buying—no, that’s still good. Maybe there’s more. Maybe there’s multiple. Because the buying them… the little craft kit—I know exactly what you’re talking about. 

00:50:08

Rebecca

Guest

I know you know!

00:50:10

Biz

Host

I’ve bought so many of, like, ah! Turkey feathers for days! I have around here. Anyway. “I should keep this! I’m sure this will provide some sort of activity for some other time when I really need an activity!” Yeah. The thing was, was whatever you used it for initially, if you did, you then decided to put it back into your art drawer. Or art bin. And that… that is—like—it just—once it exists in the house? You can’t say no to it.

00:50:40

Rebecca

Guest

No!

00:50:41

Biz

Host

It’s against the rules!

00:50:43

Rebecca

Guest

It is!

00:50:45

Biz

Host

Right? Like you—“I found this candy bar. I have to eat it.” Right?

00:50:51

Rebecca

Guest

Yeah! Well also, what are you gonna say? “Can I use these?” “No.” “Why? Why? What good reason do you have?”

00:51:00

Biz

Host

“But they’re in the art drawer. In the space with all the stuff I’m supposed to be able to use!” “Aw, dammit! I am so tired as a person—I can’t actually argue this!”

[Rebecca laughs.] 

“I’m not even sure why I said no to begin with! It just came out of my mouth! Like a spider!”

00:51:16

Rebecca

Guest

“Fine. Just use it!”

00:51:17

Biz

Host

“Fine! Just use it! My words have no meaning anymore!” And I like—[Laughs.] 

00:51:23

Rebecca

Guest

“I don’t care! Just do it!”

00:51:25

Biz

Host

I just really like that glitter has just become this universal thing of One Bad Mother listeners. “It’s like the glitter, but it’s spiders.” [Laughs.] 

00:51:34

Rebecca

Guest

Oh! Oh! Oh! So many things there I don’t like!

00:51:39

Biz

Host

Yeah! Yeah! Glitter and spiders.

[Rebecca laughs.] 

Well, you’re doing a horrible job with creative expression and your children. 

00:51:46

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, Biz and Theresa. I am calling with a fail. I signed my stepson up for a camp that is actually in another state. 

[Both laugh.]

We have a park called Lincoln Park here in Seattle, and there is also a Lincoln Park in Chicago. And apparently, that’s the camp I signed him up for!

[Biz laughs.] 

So… I feel really stupid and I don’t think we’re gonna get the money back. And, uh, yeah. Yeah. That’s the kind of day I’m having today. Uh, you guys are doing a great job. I… am not! Thanks! Bye.

00:52:23

Biz

Host

None of us have to say a word. We’re not gonna say a word. We’ll all just sit here with you, in like a chain circle. This is probably one of my all-time favorite fails. This is, like, so next-level. But I do have one more that I think is sort of equal to the epic-ness of this fail. You’re doing a horrible job. [Laughs.] 

00:52:54

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hey, Biz and Theresa! This is a fail. I… I was really just proud—I was so proud of myself, because I left work early enough to go to an in-person back-to-school night event! And I’m gonna be on time! I was actually gonna be seven minutes early and I thought, “Oh, I’ll sit in the parking lot and check my email real fast.” But then I got to the parking lot. And there’s no one there. And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I went on the wrong day, but I did not. I am on the right day, and I’m at the right time. I’m at the wrong school! 

[Biz laughs.] 

[Laughs.] You know, and the funny part to me is that I actually work in a school.

[Biz laughs.] 

And I’ve been telling people all week—since school’s started—I’ve been saying to them, “You guys, it’s been—y’know, kids haven’t been in the building for eighteen months. This is really new. They keep getting lost. We need to really slow down.” All these things. And apparently I forgot that as a parent I haven’t gone to school for eighteen months either!

[Biz laughs.] 

And I don’t even know what school my child goes to. That is—I don’t even know what to say about that. That is… not okay. So now I’m gonna be late. Um, but I’m still gonna go and I’m still gonna be there. So I hope you guys remember what school your kids go to.

[Biz laughs.] 

That’s a really important first step. All right. You’re doing a great job. Bye. 

00:54:23

Biz

Host

Oh, I love it! 

00:54:25

Rebecca

Guest

Oh, it’s so good!

00:54:26

Biz

Host

It’s so good! It is just… like… everything that is, like, symbolic of I think the place we are all at. 

00:54:37

Rebecca

Guest

Yeah! 

00:54:39

Biz

Host

Like, I—I—I’m—it’s been eighteen months! 

00:54:43

Rebecca

Guest

Yeah.

00:54:44

Biz

Host

Which is a long time. 

00:54:46

Rebecca

Guest

Very long time.

00:54:48

Biz

Host

There’s like a reoccurring theme happening here of—even with your fail, Rebecca, of the, “I forgot my child was a person who, y’know, could change their mind about stuff.” What we forget that we are people who might forget entirely where our children go to school. Because that’s the type of thing we take for granted! We think—yeah. Yeah.

00:55:08

Rebecca

Guest

I wanna know—was it a different kid’s school? Was it an old school?

00:55:15

Biz

Host

Was it just a school you drove by, and you decided—[Laughs.] 

00:55:17

Rebecca

Guest

You were like, “That’s cute! I think we should check that out!”

[Biz laughs.] 

I wanna know.

00:55:24

Biz

Host

I know! Yeah! Was it, like, the old preschool? Was it the school—yeah. Maybe that they went to and now they have to go to a different—[Laughs.] Was it their elementary school and your children are now in college.

00:55:37

Rebecca

Guest

In middle school!

[Biz laughs.] 

Yep. You went to daycare. You went to daycare. We’ve got five kids in five schools. Which I didn’t think about until now. But I’m like, “I could totally do that.”

00:55:48

Biz

Host

You have five kids in five schools. That… if that was like a math equation—if that was a word problem—the answer would be, “Impossible.” [Laughs.] 

00:56:00

Rebecca

Guest

“No. No!” 

00:56:03

Biz

Host

The answer’s just, “Nuh-uh.” 

[Rebecca laughs.] 

“Not—not gonna ever… guess.”

00:56:11

Rebecca

Guest

But three of them are in a city and not near each other. They’re all in L.A. And I would totally—seven minutes? No, I wouldn’t make it. I’d just—oh, I’d just—I feel… I feel for—in fact, Noam has a back-to-school night and… it took me, like, a month of knowing that before I was like, “I guess I should hire a babysitter!” Like, it’s like we all forgot how to do this. 

00:56:40

Biz

Host

Does anybody know how to pack a lunch? Does anybody remember this? I—like, just all cookies! That’s it.

[Rebecca laughs.] 

Right? Just all cookies. Alright. [Laughs.] Everybody? You’re doing a horrible job. And I love you all so much. This is so wonderful! I needed to hear—because I’m doing—I’m fucking up a lot! And I am tired. And, like, this is… I just love—and maybe we’ll just have to do Genius Fail Spectaculars for the rest of our lives. 

00:57:14

Rebecca

Guest

I’m down with it.

00:57:15

Biz

Host

Right? You are doing… a horrible yet wonderful job. And we will be back with a rant.

00:57:24

Music

Music

“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics.

You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known.

I love you, I love you.

When I have a problem, I call you on the phone.

I love you, I love you.

[Music fades out.]

00:57:48

Music

Promo

Twangy guitar plays in background.

00:57:49

Biz

Promo

One Bad Mother is supported in part by Dipsea. Everyone needs an escape, but those can be hard to come by right now. Enter Dipsea! You guys know what I’m about to say. Let yourself get lost in a world where good things happen and where your pleasure is the only priority. [Laughs.] Sound the horns! Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on. I have found Dipsea to be remarkable. Whenever I have a little time to myself, it helps me get in touch with myself. Whomp-whomp! And if you need to wind down, Dipsea also has wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories, and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off. For listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/badmother. That’s 30 days, full access, for free when you go to D-I-P-S-E-A-Stories.com/badmother. DipseaStories.com/badmother. 

[Music ends.]

00:59:04

Promo

Clip

[Crash of thunder and sound of rain.]

Speaker 1: We have wasted this world. Our magic put a storm in the sky that has rendered the surface of our planet uninhabitable. But… beneath the surface? Well, that’s another story entirely. 

[Magical sound.]

Music: Synth-heavy, mid-tempo music with driving beat.

Speaker 1: In a city built leagues below the apocalypse, survivors of the storm forge paths through a strange new world. Some seek salvation for their homeland above. Others seek to chart the vast, undersea expanse outside the city’s walls. And others still seek—what else?—fortune and glory. Dive into the Ether Sea, the latest campaign from The Adventure Zone. Every-other Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts.

00:59:50

Promo

Clip

Music: Spooky music plays in background.

Ross Blocher: [In a deep, dramatic voice] Somewhere between science and superstition, there is a podcast.

[Sound of knocking and screaming.]

Ross: Look, your daughter doesn’t say she’s a demon. She says she’s the devil himself!

Carrie Poppy: That… thing? Is not my daughter! And I want you to tell me there’s a show where the hosts don’t just report on fringe science and spiritualy, but take part themselves!

Music: Easy-going, swinging electric guitar plays in background.

Ross: Well, there is! And it’s Oh No, Ross and Carrie! On Maximum Fun.

Carrie: This year, we actually became certified exorcists.

Ross: So yes, Carrie and I can help your daughter.

[Sound of revving chainsaw.]

Carrie: Or we can just talk about it on the show.

Ross: [Deep, dramatic voice again] Oh No, Ross and Carrie! On MaximumFun.org.

01:00:36

Biz

Host

Welcome back to the Umpteenth Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant! 

01:00:42

Music

Music

Celebratory symphonic music.

01:00:50

Biz

Host

One rant today, guys. Buckle up. Let’s do it. 

01:00:57

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hey, One Bad Mother. I was just calling with a—a rant-slash, y’know, -puzzle. I live in a part of the country where there’s not a very high rate of vaccination. And new cases are popping up of COVID. And I have three small children, one of whom is pretty vulnerable. And… [sighs.] My rant is, like, when did we decide that it was okay to forget kids in all of this? Why aren’t we protecting kids? And… now I have to make an impossible decision. I did remote school most of last year. And now I won’t even have that option. My school’s doing nothing. It’s like it’s over. It’s not over for me. Um… so… I think I have to homeschool my kids. And my puzzle is, how can I prepare homeschool for my kids when my kids are always at home and I don’t have any time? Sort of like how can you clean your house when your people are in it, except, like, their entire education that I have to figure out for the year. So. Yeah. I… [long pause.] I want us to protect kids better. Not just my kids! All kids! All kids need protected and I just don’t understand when that pivot happened. And I’m really tired and exhausted and I’m tired of feeling crazy in my community for being so protective of kids. When everyone else has moved on with their life. It’s like Twilight Zone and I’m so alone and I’m so tired. And I just… if you’re in this situation, you are not alone. I feel you. I am going through this with you. And hopefully we’ll all come out of this on the other side stronger and whatever other bullshit we tell ourselves when stuff is really hard. But you can do it. I have to figure it out. I’m not really sure how. But today I am not. I’m just angry. Thanks for letting me be angry into the void. You’re doing a really good job, and… hopefully I will, too. Bye. 

01:03:13

Biz

Host

First of all, you are doing a really good job. And… yeah. That’s impossible. I mean, what—right? Like, what you’ve just set up… is… the kind of, like, weight? Like, emotional weight? That you’re just like, “I’m just gonna lay here stuck under this.” There are several things that you bring up in this. And I think one of the things that has been so hard since this whole thing started was the lack of choice. We have very few choices. And even the choices that we do get, if we have them, are not the choices we want. Right? Like—and so we have to pick between two bad choices sometimes. And—or this one’s alright. Right? [Laughs.] When you’re so tired, you don’t want to make adjustments. I just wanna like say that right now. That some of this just boils—yes. We all know we’re gonna have to make—yes! Yes! We’re going to have to figure it out. Okay? Yeah. I know. And we’re gonna figure out this problem and eventually I will. But for right now, ya don’t have the emotional strength or any of it to do it! Right? 

01:04:35

Rebecca

Guest

Right! No! I was—I feel for you because I was in a supermarket the other day and this guy was just being a jerk and he just wouldn’t wear a mask. And we’re in California and it’s mandated. We’re inside. And my kid’s in the cart behind—my two-year-old! Who cannot—you know—you can’t not know that he can’t be vaccinated. 

01:04:58

Biz

Host

Here’s the thing. For some families and some kids with serious autoimmune issues, and with other needs that even—even if they were old enough to get vaccinated, they couldn’t. They are more susceptible to this illness. That whether you think it’s just a cold or not—poses a threat! To those children. Right? Again, I will go back to the doctor we talked to who said that the flu usually kills somewhere between like two and five hundred kids a year? And last year, there was only one child who died. And I wouldn’t even like one child to die, but that’s some fucking serious, like—that’s the flu! And we’re talking about COVID! And I just wanna say, like… yeah. I’m with you. I am with both of you. I do not understand the big deal about a fucking mask. And I am—again—it goes back to that pressure being on you. 

01:06:07

Rebecca

Guest

Mm-hm.

01:06:08

Biz

Host

For somebody who just doesn’t wanna do a thing. Now I—again, I’m not trying to generalize all people who don’t wear masks. There’s gotta be a lot of grey in there. I’m gonna have to be gracious enough to think that there is some grey that there is. But like… y’know. At the same time, that doesn’t take away your stress of being a parent who has been given no choice by the system that is in place where you live. To provide education for your children. And… and that feeling of, “Well, my only choice then is going to have to be homeschool. And how can I even do that when there are children here all the time who need my attention?” And that—that is… a lot. And I know that you know you’re not alone. I know you know that you’re not alone, ‘cause you’ve already said that. So you’re not! And… I think… we’ve got to really keep an eye and an ear out for each other and if we see this kind of thing happening, stepping up and “How can I help? How can I help you do this?” Right? Like, a great place to start is the library. I’m just gonna say it! They are an amazing resource, especially when it comes to—a lotta homeschool families and groups use the library. They have a tutor that comes. They have, like, one teacher for multiple children. Y’know, like you don’t have to carry this alone, is basically what I’m trying to tell you. Despite how alone you feel right now.

01:07:54

Rebecca

Guest

Yes. And teachers love to make materials and share them. So… get on the internet and get some of those things and give your child independent activities so that you have a moment to hear yourself think, because it’s—that is really, really hard. 

01:08:12

Biz

Host

That’s really hard. And I also… I also understand carrying the pressure of other people’s choices. And I’m… I’m really sorry. ‘Cause that’s… it’s not your—it’s not your weight to carry. Yet there we are. Carrying it. [Laughs.] And it sucks. I think you are remarkable? And you’re doing a really good job. And you’ve got this. And if you don’t? Call back! [Laughs.] Everybody! I love the Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant! It’s my favorite! It is! God. Rebecca, when you came on to cohost with me in the past, we were knee—not even knee. We were neck-high in the pandemic. Neck-high! And… how does it feel, being here now? Where would you say it is for you? Is it still at the neck? 

01:09:17

Rebecca

Guest

Mmm, no. I think we’re now—we’re down—we’re wading. We’re wading through the pandemic. And—

01:09:23

Biz

Host

But there could be an alligator in there! [Laughs.] 

01:09:25

Rebecca

Guest

Oh, there’s definitely an alligator. And I’m looking out for it. But I think we’ve got—I mean, I don’t wanna say it’s the new normal because I just don’t want it to be, but we’ve got skills that we didn’t have… a year and a year-and-a-half ago. And we’ve got flexibility, and we’ve got a little more stamina, I think, to get through it. And I think our kids do, too.

01:09:50

Biz

Host

You’ve got stamina?! I’m so tired, Rebecca!

01:09:53

Rebecca

Guest

Well yeah! No! I am just coming off of teacher summer? So I have stamina and you don’t. And then—

01:09:59

Biz

Host

No, but you still had, like, five kids at home! [Laughs.] Like you still had a million children in your house!

01:10:04

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz: So it was like teaching. [Laughs.] That’s true. And in a couple weeks—

Rebecca: Okay, but in April we’re gonna flip. It is. They tell me that. They tell me that.

01:10:11

Biz

Host

I’m just gonna give my children away. In a couple of—in like a couple of days. Here’s also the thing I think we should try and work on as a hive mind. And that is—what can we say to people when we need to feel safer in a place that we are at? So, for example, y’know. If you’re in a store with your baby, and there’s a person really close to you, there’s option A—“You’re a murderer. How do you feel about that?” Or “It appears you are uncomfortable with wearing a mask. My child is still at an age where they are highly susceptible to illnesses. And don’t have a lot of the things our bodies have to fight it.” Don’t say it sarcastic like I’m saying it. With like a face. 

[Rebecca laughs.] 

“Would you mind… putting it on while you’re around my baby?” Right? Like, “While you’re around my child.” And maybe we just need to keep a couple of extras in our bags.

01:11:16

Rebecca

Guest

That’s a good idea. And—

01:11:18

Biz

Host

Like, do you mind just put—yeah. 

01:11:20

Rebecca

Guest

Also starting with a question is so much better. Than a statement. “Would you mind—could you do this for me?” Is so much easier for someone to hear than, “Why are you trying to kill my baby?” Which is also a question I understand, but different. So I think, though—

[Biz laughs.] 

—that’s really—I think questions are so important. Like, whenever I say to my mom, I’m like, “Can I say duh-duh-duh-duh-duh?” And she’s all, “How about you try, ‘What do you think if—‘”

[Biz laughs.] 

But it doesn’t help! So it makes a giant difference. It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it. 

01:11:53

Biz

Host

I know. Isn’t that the truth about almost fucking everything. God! It’s so hard! Especially when we’re all do tired! Listen, everybody. You are all remarkable. You’re all remarkable. You’re all doing an amazing job. All of the fails, all the geniuses, allllltogether, we are alllll doing it. And I will talk to you next week. Byeeee!

01:12:21

Rebecca

Guest

Byeeee!

01:12:22

Music

Music

“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics.

I got the lowdown momma blues

Got the the lowdown momma blues

Gots the lowdown momma blues

The lowdown momma blues. 

Gots the lowdown momma blues

Got the lowdown momma blues

You know that’s right.

[Music fades somewhat, plays in background of dialogue.]

01:12:47

Biz

Host

We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Gabe Mara; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.

01:13:15

Theresa

Host

One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate.

[Music continues for a while before fading out.]

01:13:39

Music

Transition

A cheerful ukulele chord.

01:13:40

Speaker 1

Guest

MaximumFun.org.

01:13:42

Speaker 2

Guest

Comedy and culture.

01:13:43

Speaker 3

Guest

Artist owned—

01:13:44

Speaker 4

Guest

—Audience supported.