TRANSCRIPT Ep. 295: The Nun

Transcript

dan
									
On this episode of The Flop House, we discuss: The Nun!
stuart
									
OoOoO! Spoooky! [Audio clip of girl screaming in horror. ]
music
									
[Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.]
dan
									
Hey, everyone, and welcome to [spooky voice] The Floppp Houuse! My name’s Dan McCoy—
elliott
									
Dan—wait, Dan, why are you so operatic today? [Stuart chuckles.]
dan
									
Oh, uh, I was trying for, uh, ghoulishness and uh, and—and—tingles up the spine.
elliott
									
Oh, I guess your voice is just too beautiful! [Dan chuckles.] ‘Cause all—all—all I felt was that you were a beautiful basso profundo.
dan
									
I am pretty profound.
stuart
									
Dan, do you wanna introduce yourself again so Elliott can step on it?
dan
									
Okay, I’m Dan McCoy— [Laughs Long pause, as though he was going to add more but doesn’t.] [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh, oh wow! Okay! You got through it! Uh, I’m Stuart Wellington.
elliott
									
I’m Elliott [spooky voice] Kaaalan! Doesn’t—no. Didn’t work for me either.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: No, you kinda— Elliott: I couldn’t get spooky there.
stuart
									
Uh—
dan
									
You shoulda said Elliott [spooky voice] Killll-an and then maybe.
elliott
									
Uh—last time I did that, Dan, I was thrown in jail. [Stuart and Dan laugh.] For being too cool. [Stuart and Dan laugh again.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Okay.
crosstalk
									
Dan: So— [Laughs.] Stuart: Oh, wow.
stuart
									
The judge at Kid’s Court’s pretty rough nowadays. [Chuckles.]
elliott
									
Oh, yeah, yeah. It—yeah, he’s a hanging judge.
stuart
									
Oh, wow! That makes sense. I mean, it’s all on the payroll. Um, uh—
dan
									
We call this thing we’re doing The Flop House.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, that’s what we— Dan: We call it—that, other people also call it that ‘cause that’s its name!
dan
									
The Flop House—where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. And—
stuart
									
And, uh, and the reason for the season!
dan
									
[Laughs.] Yup, we’re in—the—the—the most blessed season, Shocktober, where we used to say we watch slightly more horror movies than normal. Now they’ve pretty much all been corralled to Shocktober. We don’t actually usually watch any—
stuart
									
Uh-huh! Well I come—I come to Dan, DVD in hand, and I say— [Elliott chuckles.] —[in a pleading, tentative, childlike voice] “Please, Dan, I know it’s June, but can we maybe call it, uh, June—Scary June? Or something?” [Dan laughs.] “Watch a horror movie?”
dan
									
And I pull out my cat o’ nine tails and I say, “String him up against the main mast!” [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Oh, wow!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Wow. I’m—I’m in Los Angeles— Stuart: I was—
elliott
									
—so I—I don’t—I’m not witness to any of this— [Dan and Stuart laugh.] —so just gonna take it at your guys’ word, that this is what happens now that I’m not around there anymore.
stuart
									
[In same childlike voice] Can—the sailors who whip me be skeletons or ghost sailors? [Laughs.] [Dan and Elliott laugh.]
dan
									
I say only half-skeletons. [Elliott and Stuart chuckle.]
stuart
									
Oh, wow! [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Wait, so like, skeletons from the waist down? What does that mean?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, man the ultimate fantasy! [Elliott laughs.] Dan: Either that—
dan
									
—Either that or half of them are humans and half of them are skeletons. You can choose whichever you prefer.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So like…half— Dan: You make the call! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
—so, like, split down the middle? Like—
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah!
stuart
									
No, you want—I think—I think that’s the thing is, uh, I’ve been reading a lot of, uh, uh, you know, romantic advice columns and magazines and I’ve come to determine that the perfect man is a skeleton on the upper half and the bottom half is all fleshy with a fleshy wiener and stuff. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Skeleton in the streets, a wiener in the sheets. They say. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
So why—why—why a skeleton on the top? [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh, that’s—I’m trying to—I don’t know that much, I just know that, like, I only know the results. I don’t know what led us to that point.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Yeah, but what is the—I’m—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Through laughter] I’m confused about the result. Stuart: I’m guessing— [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Guessing, uh… it has something to do with… hair? I don’t know. We’ll get to it.
dan
									
Okay. The musical? Or— [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Dan, stop bringing up the fact that you were in a college production of Hair. We know. [Dan laughs.] You’ve brought it up many times.
dan
									
I lit up the stage! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Okay. So this can all go in the garbage.
dan
									
[Through laughter] With fire!
elliott
									
[Laughs.] So—okay. So—
crosstalk
									
Dan: I was a fire bug! Elliott: —on this podcast—
elliott
									
So on this podcast we watch a bad movie, then we talk about it. Dan’s right. Uh, in the—uh—or—or maybe Stuart’s right. In the olden days, it feels like we used to watch more horror movies. Back when we just selected our movie the day of, at Dan’s apartment— [Dan laughs.] —based on the running time.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Because we would—because we’d start watching around 8:00 and start recording the show around 10:30. 
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
stuart
									
And we would often decide if we were going to even do the podcast basically the day of or day before? [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
It was—it was a number of years before we started scheduling ahead. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: You know, back in the olden days of— [Laughs.] Elliott: Which I think was Dan’s brainstorm.
dan
									
Podcasting that kind of erratic nonsense was much more tolerated.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Oh.
dan
									
You know, like the early days of Saturday Night Live when people were running through the halls doing cocaine or whatever.
stuart
									
Uh-huh—un—unlike the current, uh, current era where all the sketches are bad and nobody, uh—well, everybody— [Dan giggles.] —I guess everybody pays attention to it now. I don’t fucking know. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Wow.
elliott
									
Wow. Okay. Hot—hot take on Saturday Night Live. Anyway, uh, but—so Shocktober, this is when we watch horror movies. Right, Dan? Now, Dan, uh, how would you define a horror movie and then Stuart, I wanna know how would you define one?
dan
									
[Laughs.] Wow. Um…
stuart
									
Oh, okay.
dan
									
I say a horror movie is one that is meant to elicit—in the simplest terms—horror in the viewer. Whether that be—
elliott
									
Okay.
dan
									
—sort of a, uh, a—uh—jump-scare type horror? Like, a startlement? Or a—sort of an existential dread.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Wow. Okay. Elliott: What would you say, Stu?
stuart
									
I would say… it has to have… one or more killings. [Dan laughs. Elliott laughs faintly.]
elliott
									
Okay.
dan
									
So— [breaks off, laughing.] [Through laughter] Okay.
stuart
									
One-plus killings. [All three laugh at length. Dan continues laughing for quite some time as Stuart and Elliott converse.]
dan
									
Right. Interesting.
stuart
									
So, uh… yeah. So I think we have it hammered out. Elliott—does this match up with your notes?
elliott
									
Does that mean—so would that—so Clue would technically be a horror movie?
stuart
									
Uh—Elliott, I didn’t agree to more than one question. [Dan is still laughing; Elliott joins in.]
elliott
									
Sorry—yeah, sorry, I forgot you said no follow-ups.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: When we started this press conference. Dan: Yeah, Stuart—Stuart is currently—
dan
									
Uh— [Stuart coughs.] —standing in front of the loud turbines of Air Force One. [Stuart and Elliott laugh.]
stuart
									
Only one, and I answered it, uh, accurately. So let’s move on. [Elliott laughs.] Uh—so yeah! So we watch a movie. Now, normally on this show we watch a bad movie, a movie that either was crit—uh—either a critical flop or a financial flop. And this—I guess qualifies as a critical flop because it was not a financial flop.
crosstalk
									
Dan: No, it was a hugely—and like— Stuart: It made a shitload of money. This is, like— Elliott: Yeah.
stuart
									
—the highest-grossing movie of The Conjuring franchise.
dan
									
Yes.
stuart
									
A juggernaut of—okay horror movies. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Now, I’m—I’m super unfamiliar with The Conjuring franchise. So you guys are gonna have to help me with what little Easter eggs are in there for the dedicated viewer. Uh—
dan
									
I mean, can I quickly, like, outline the—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah, ta-ta-quickly out—take us through The Conjuring. So who—so somebody conj—somebody conjures something. Stuart: Have you seen them all? Have you seen them all? Dan: No, I’ve—well—[laughs.]
dan
									
No.
elliott
									
I know that much.
dan
									
Not really. Uh, so… The Conjuring—I don’t remember—look. See, I saw The Conjuring. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yep.
dan
									
It was—
elliott
									
Okay, let’s start at first principles.
dan
									
[Through laughter] First principles!
elliott
									
You saw The Conjuring.
dan
									
I saw it. [Elliott laughs.] Uh, it had been getting, uh, very good reviews as kind of a return to a classic haunted house movie with, like, sort of a few, like, slow-burn scares. Um—
elliott
									
And you love any kind of burn.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Slow burn. David Byrne. Stuart: And it was, uh— Dan: I do.
elliott
									
You went to see David Byrne’s show.
dan
									
I did see—
elliott
									
How was it?
dan
									
It was—[through laughter] it was excellent. We should probably talk about that off air, but um—
elliott
									
Okay.
stuart
									
[Laughs.] Oh, wow. He doesn’t want his opinions to get out. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
No, I—well—I—everyone knows I love David Byrne, but—I’m just trying to keep this train rolling. Um—no, but like, I saw it—[laughs.] In the worst way to see a horror movie, which is a drive-in theater. Now you might think, “Oh, that’s the best way ‘cause it’s such a creepy atmosphere!” But so many horror movies are shot so darkly and at a—at a drive-in you’ve got a lot of, you know, ambient light that’s—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, a light screen. Dan: —that’s going on the screen
dan
									
And the projectionist usually does not pump up the light bulb and the projector to, uh, compensate. So I was seeing a whole bunch of mud on screen—[laughs]—basically when I was watching The Conjuring.
elliott
									
Plus, you had to deal with the worst part of that—being with some babe who wanted to do it with you when you’re just trying to watch this movie, you know?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Yeah, but it’s—it’s—
stuart
									
Were you, like, sitting on a roof, sucking on a chili dog? [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Uhh…
stuart
									
Roof of a car, not roof of a house. That would be Monster Squad.
dan
									
Yeah. No. Um, no, I—so—all I know is—
elliott
									
So Dan, so what do you know about The Conjuring movies, Dan?
crosstalk
									
Dan: The Conjuring is about paranormal investigators— Elliott: We—we heard—
elliott
									
We heard your story—we heard your screed against drive-in theaters. [Stuart laughs.] You didn’t really tell us much about The Conjuring.
dan
									
[Sighs.] The—[laughs]—so, it’s about paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren who are…I—real people? Uh—
stuart
									
Yeah, they were a couple real—real frauds.
dan
									
Yeah. A couple of real frauds. [Elliott laughs.] I don’t know whether if—the—is there that—is that their actual name or did it get changed in the movie? That was what—the only thing edited.
stuart
									
I think it’s—I think it’s real. I mean, weirdly enough, uh… the Twitter—the Twitter account “41Strange” that posts, like, weird photos of stuff? Posted a picture of Lorraine Warren holding the original Annabelle doll? Which is just a Raggedy Ann doll yesterday?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh. But they’re— Stuart: So, uh, yeah.
stuart
									
I guess that’s a plug for my Twitter, uh—Twitter feed. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Basically, they’re— [Elliott laughs.] Basically, they’re paranormal investigators and, um… [long pause.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Like the Ghostbusters. Stuart: Once again—
stuart
									
I mean, once again, let’s clarify they’re frauds.
dan
									
Yeah. No—well—[laughs.] In—in the world—[through laughter]—of the movie— [Dan coughs.]
stuart
									
Okay.
elliott
									
In the world of The Conj—I love—now I love this new character of—of Stuart fact-checker where every movie it’s like, “So in Godzilla: King of the Monsters,” Stuart’s like, “Let’s just be clear—not a real monster.” [Dan laughs heartily.] “Made up.”
stuart
									
Yeah, but I mean—this is a—the—I mean, I feel like it’s a little different when we’re talking about, uh, real-life people who… I’m assuming hurt a lot of people by being frauds. [Long pause.]
elliott
									
Uh, yeah. Well—were they—were they the Amityville Horror people?
dan
									
Yes.
elliott
									
Or was that something else?
dan
									
They are the—and I believe that they—the Amityville story is retold in The Conjuring 2—is that correct? I think…
stuart
									
Yeah, I—I’ve actually only seen the—the first one. [Dan coughs.] And it’s—it’s fine.
elliott
									
I believe the second one they’re investigating some sort of electric boogaloo?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Mm-hm. Stuart: Oh, okay.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Or—or—a secret of the ooze, right? Elliott: Which—I think—
stuart
									
Those are the two options?
crosstalk
									
Dan: The whole— Elliott: Yeah, yeah.
crosstalk
									
Dan: The whole point, though— Elliott: It’s in the—
elliott
									
Oh—it might—they might’ve been a new batch. [Someone laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh, wow. We’ll have to find out.
dan
									
The point of all this is to say, though, that—
elliott
									
What we also know—
crosstalk
									
Dan: [In exasperated voice] Oh, God. Elliott: —wait, Dan, that they were on the move.
dan
									
Yeah. But this is all to say that—
stuart
									
Back in the habit? [Dan and Elliott laugh.] I mean, you know in a way they kind of are, right?
elliott
									
It’s good for The Nun! That’s perfect! [Laughs.]
dan
									
No, but the point of all this is… you don’t actually need to know any of it. Because this movie only ties in to those characters at the very end—spoiler alert—and… you don’t need any foreknowledge to know the nun—the nun is a character that showed up in one of the other Conjuring movies—
stuart
									
Part 2, I think.
dan
									
Yeah. And this is the origin story [through laughter] for that—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
—Villain.
elliott
									
Well—it’s weird is—it’s kind of the origin story but it’s also kind of not the origin story.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
So why don’t we dive into The Nun?
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And before anyone—remember, this is the one from The Conjuring series, it’s not one of the many other horror movies called The Nun. It’s not The Nun Story. The movie from the 19—what? ‘60s? ‘50s?
stuart
									
Thanks—thanks for asking. I don’t know, Elliott. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
So, the movie starts… uh… well, it starts with like, a bunch of scenes from one of the other Conjuring movies that are just kind of thrown onscreen real fast in a montage? But for the most part, we’re in—it’s 1952. That’s right, everybody—1952! Eisenhower is about to be elected president.
stuart^
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Everybody’s doing the Lindy Hop, and people can’t get enough of chili fries. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Does—is that—is that, uh… that’s all facts based on Romanian 1952, right?
dan
									
Yeah, huh?
elliott
									
Oh, that’s right. We’re in Romania.
dan
									
We’re in Romania. And I have to say that, um… because I did not know anything about The Nun—walking into it—I assumed that, like, the rest of The Conjuring universe, it would be taking place in the ‘70s?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. So you wore like, pull-on clothes— Dan: So for a long time, I—
stuart
									
And you made, uh, made a big spread of food from the ‘70s—
dan
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] Yeah. Yeah. [Elliott laughs. Stuart joins in.]
elliott
									
It was all deviled eggs. Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I put on… some polyester bellbottoms and— Elliott: A lot of cottage cheese.
dan
									
No. I— [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Fondue.
dan
									
Yeah. No, the whole point—what I’m saying is, for the longest time I thought we were in a flashback. I thought [through laughter] they were gonna flash-forward.
elliott
									
I mean, technically we are in a flashback, Dan, since the movie end—opens with the—with the legend on the screen—“1952”—and that’s not this year.
crosstalk
									
Dan: No, I— Elliott: So it is—
elliott
									
—kind of a flashback.
dan
									
I get it.
elliott
									
But, uh—I— [Stuart laughs.] And I—I understand how you missed that moment where they identified the year the movie— [Dan sighs heavily.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, God. Elliott: —is taking place in.
elliott
									
Okay. We’re in Romania. There’s this abbey in Romania. It’s haunted by an evil spirit that needs a human host. And it gets loose! And a nun kills herself rather than host it. And I think that’s just being a bad hostess. Have you ever had people coming to your house and you kill yourself? Rather than— [Dan laughs.] —show them a good time? I would say that’s a party foul. [Dan and Stuart laugh.] What do you guys think?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Well, I mean—I’m— Stuart: Is foul a pun?  [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
I very—[laughs]—I’m very conflict-averse, so I can see that being, like, a possible option for me rather than causing a fuss. Then, to just being like, I’m gonna opt out of this situation. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Sure. Uh—
elliott
									
Now, of course I—I in no way want to make fun of suicide, but it—it’s—it’s—the movie happens—it’s like… the movie—it—it’s like the movie was like, here’s the star of your movie. Psych! This character’s not important anymore.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah. And I mean, I guess they’re trying to point out that, like, the evil—the nun is so terrifying that, uh, that a nun—that a, uh… a nun would commit a mortal sin by taking her own life, right.
elliott
									
Yes. She—she would rather—she would rather, uh, go to Hell for ending her life than… be the hostess for this thing. Again, as God says in the Bible—the ultimate party foul. Uh, we go to Vatican City, where Father Burke we meet. He’s a priest-detective who investigates miracles and exorcisms—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —and things like that. Classic. Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
stuart
									
Played by Damien Bashir. Yeah. He’s a real hunk.
elliott
									
He—[laughs]—yeah, he’s not even—and then there’s a double hunk in this movie, ‘cause there’s another handsome guy who shows up and we also—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —meet—he’s gonna— Stuart: Are you talking about Michael Smiley—
stuart
									
Playing a evil, like, Catholic priest guy? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, no. [Laughs.] [Through laughter.] That’s not who I was talking about.
stuart
									
I was gonna say, ‘cause I mean, Michael Smiley’s a lot of things, but I don’t know if I would definitely call him a hunk. Well, maybe technically. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
You know what, tech—I think it falls under the technical definition of at least one ab. [Someone chuckles in the background.] So, uh—Father Burke, he’s gonna be—he’s gonna investigate this surprising, uh, incident at the abbey. And he’s gonna be teamed up with Sister Irene, a young novitiate. She hasn’t yet taken her vows as a nun yet. But—we meet her, she’s the kind of young nun who questions things. She doesn’t just… take the immediate orthodoxy. She even tells one of her orphans…students? I’m not sure. Uh, that some things in the Bible aren’t literally true. Now, Dan—I know you’re a kind of an Evangelical. How did you feel about that?
dan
									
Uh… I’m not. I—although I grew up Christian it was a, uh… it was a very sort of liberal… uh… uh—uh—uh—sect. It’s not just sect. I don’t—I don’t.
elliott
									
So—so—[laughs.] When Dan—so I know you grew up—you went to Catholic school, right? When you were at Father O’Malley’s, uh, school, did—were the nuns as mean as people say?
dan
									
Protestant. Never had any, uh, direct contact with nuns. They’ve always seemed nice from a distance when I see them around New York from time to time, but that’s about all I know.
stuart
									
Or where you see them, like, flying around. Right?
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Isn’t there a flying nun?
dan
									
Or—you know— [Elliott laughs.] —the nun-sense they get into is such crazy nun-sense. But, uh, I also want to say—I don’t think you said that the… uh… no—novit—novitiate? Is that how you say it?
elliott
									
Yep.
dan
									
Uh…
elliott
									
Yeah. Sister Irene—just call her Sister Irene.
dan
									
Played by Taissa Farm—Farmiga, who’s, uh, the sister to Vera Farmiga, who is—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Ohhh I didn’t realize that. Dan: —one of the stars of The Conjuring series.
elliott
									
It’s—they’re keeping it in the family.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
It’s a real family affair.
dan
									
Uh-huh. [Laughs half-heartedly.] Do you have more?
elliott
									
Uh… all in the family.
dan
									
Yeah. I guess—
elliott
									
Family—it’s—they—we’re seeing their family ties.
dan
									
Uh-huh. And their family matters. Now, can we… uh—
elliott
									
Well, all families are made of matter, Dan. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Okay. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
What do you—are you positing some sort of anti-matter family? [Dan continues laughing.]
dan
									
Uh, I will—
elliott
									
That would be where Stefan Arkel was the neighbor. That’s the—that’s Family Antimatters. [Dan chuckles slowly.] Dan—what would it—if the— [Dan laughs anew.] —family from Family Matters and the family from Family Antimatters met, would they—
crosstalk
									
Dan and Elliott: Explode! Dan: They would explode! Yes! [Laughs.] Elliott: And destroy each other?
dan
									
That’s—
stuart
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Dan: That’s what—uh— Stuart: [Faintly, in background.] Or they’d, like, melt together into a blob. Dan: —movie physics have told me, at least.
stuart
									
Like, in, uh, Time Cop. [Dan coughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Well, we have—so—it’s a real Time Cop-type scenario. So anyway, Time Cop is gonna investigate this mystery.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Dan: Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Just kidding. It’s Father Burke and Sister Irene. Uh, so they go to Romania. It’s this backwards, local village. The locals, they never speak of the abbey. It is classic movie spooky stuff.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Nobody even sees the nuns. But the—their supplies are delivered by one man, a French-Canadian that they call “Frenchie,” I don’t remember what his character name was, or the actor. And… he’s never even seen the nuns. He just leaves their goods by the back door. But he’s the one who found this nun’s body and buried it. He’s—he explains that the abbey was hit by a bomb during a bombing raid in WWII—which ended seven years previously—uh, but nobody’s talked to any of the nuns in years. And when they go there, they—he—he shows them that on the body, there was a weird key of some kind. [Spooky voice] OoOoO! Spoo—‘cause it can’t spell “spooky” without “key.”
stuart
									
That’s right. And he, uh—
dan
									
Or “spook!”
stuart
									
I mean, we’ll get— [Elliott and Dan laugh.] —We’ll get to…
elliott
									
Okay, good point. Or—or “spoo.” [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
We’ll—we’ll—I mean, we’ll probably really dig into this character Frenchie later. But I think it speaks to kind of his values? That he didn’t just steal that key. No, he left it with the body.
elliott
									
Yeah. Yeah. And he, uh… but then—do they bury the body together or he already buried it? I can’t—trying to remember.
stuart
									
Uh, he did not bury it; he stuffed it in the, like, ice—ice house. He put it in—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —he put it in the freezer. Yeah. Elliott: Oh, that’s right. To preserve it.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: To keep it for later— Stuart: He’s like—
elliott
									
—in case—the—he has to eat it, I guess.
stuart
									
He saw—he saw the body lying there on the steps and blood everywhere and then he’s, like, we gotta put this on ice. And then he put sunglasses on, and then the— [Elliott laughs.] —guitar started playing. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
He, uh— [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
It was some kind of knockoff Who song, was called “Who is you?” [Someone laughs.]
dan
									
Yep.
elliott
									
Whooo… goes there? Actually—it would be pretty funny if he put on sunglasses, then [singing] “Who can it beeee now?” [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Elliott and Dan: [in very rough approximation of vocalizations from The Who’s “Who Are You”] Boop boop boop boooop booow! [Someone chuckles.]
elliott
									
Started playing. And they were like, this is what we could afford. I’m sorry. It’s The Nun. Uh—this—then we enter, uh, what is the theme of the movie, which is—wandering around spooky hallways, quietly—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Waiting for things to happen. ‘Cause they go into the spooky abbey and they find the crypt, and there’s a shrouded abbess there. You don’t see her face; she’s pretty spooky-creepy, and she’s got a creepy, high-pitched, y’know, old-lady voice.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And she tells them to come back in the morning, after they take their nightly vow of silence. But Burke and Irene are, like, “Yeah, but I guess we’re just gonna stay here for the night.”
stuart
									
Yeah, it’s, uh, it’s a pretty interesting move where it’s like… “We’ll answer your questions… in the morning if you stay the night here.” [Elliott laughs.] And they’re, like, wow, I didn’t realize I was hazing for a fraternity, but okay.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh. Maybe they just thought that—yeah. Elliott: [Through laughter] Yes! You’ll also inherit your uncle’s $10,000,000! [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
And—and—like… I can’t remember the abbess doing this? But I feel like there’s a lot of, like… the—the abbess has, like, a shroud over her face and she’ll, like, turn her head fast and we’ll hear, like, a crazy cracking sound and you’re like… uhhhh. [Laughs.]
dan
									
[Laughs] Yeah.
stuart
									
Are you okay?
elliott
									
Is—is—is she getting ready to fight Jean-Claude Van Damme? [Dan chuckles.]
stuart
									
Yup.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Like, what’s this with the neck cracking? So here’s the thing, Stuart, and maybe you can shed some light on this.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
I—this is when I started wondering, was this movie… written by some people playing a roleplaying game? Because it’s like… you meet the spooky abbess; she tells you to come back in the morning, so… are you guys gonna go back to the village, or do you want to spend the night at the spooky abbey. Like, that’s what it feels like to me.
stuart
									
I feel like, based on my experiences running roleplaying games, that scene would’ve gone like this: you meet a spooky abbess. She tells you that. The players are like, “Okay, well, uh, I try and pull the—pull the veil off.” And I’m like, “NO! You [through laughter] CAN’T!” [Elliott and Dan laugh.] Like, “No, I’m gonna roll to do it!” I’m like, “No, STOP! Uh… the abbess slaps your hand away.” [Dan chuckles. Elliott laughs.] “Just do what she wants!”
elliott
									
So, uh, so they’re acting the way you wish that the players in your roleplaying games were.
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah, where they’re like, [dumb voice] “Uh, duhhh, okay.” [Laughs.] [Dan and Elliott laugh.] And then—and then— [Dan and Elliott continue laughing.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: That’s the way I play roleplaying games when I play with you. Stuart: —Frenchie—
stuart
									
And then Frenchie’s like, “Uh, I guess I’m just gonna go home. Let me, uh, follow this detour into the fog-machine-filled cemetery!”
crosstalk
									
Dan: Mm-hm. Stuart: Uh, okay! Dan: All this abbey road!
stuart
									
[Laughs.] Yeah. [Through laughter] Oh, how long— [Elliott groan-sighs.] —were you saving that one?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Dan. Wow. Dan: I don’t—I have been—
dan
									
I have been working on a “Dear Abby” thing for a while that I just haven’t been able to crack—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —so— Stuart: Oh, yeah.
dan
									
—if you guys have any help, you know. Or—or listeners! Write in! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
crosstalk
									
Dan: What’s the— Elliott: [Through laughter] Listeners.
dan
									
What’s the “Dear Abby” joke I should have made in the first half of this program?
stuart
									
I mean, it would’ve been weird ‘cause it’s a human abbey. Deer— [Dan chuckles/coughs.] —are animals that—
dan
									
What?
stuart
									
—don’t have religion.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay… Stuart: [Chuckles] They’re godless monsters— [Laughs.] Elliott: I mean, technically the abbey is—
elliott
									
—not human, the abbey is, uh, is a building. Which is housing these people.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean Dan: I miss my— Elliott: I guess you’d call—
elliott
									
—the organization? The abbess— [Someone sighs. —runs the abbey. And the abbot is Lou Costello’s—
crosstalk
									
Dan: I mean, I—uh— Elliott: —uh, partner—
elliott
									
—in a number of tom-foolery, uh, filled, uh, movies.
stuart
									
Yup. Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Capers, some of them. [Someone laughs.] Some of them are them just, kind of, like, getting into trouble. Some of them have monsters. But, uh… you might say, “Hey, Abbott!”—
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
—To, uh, find out some answers. If you wanna find where the abbot is, but again, there’s no abbot in this movie. It’s just an abbess.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. I— Stuart: Yeah, so—
stuart
									
—speaking of monsters, there’s this great bit where, uh… [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Well—[inaudible]^, I guess. Stuart: —Frenchie’s walking around the cemetery— [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
—and then there’s, like, there’s this, like… spooky nun walking around with, uh… that looks exactly like the nun who he found hanging. She’s walking around with a noose. And then, uh, like what—this happens a lot in the movie, where the character will walk around, maybe he’ll see something spooky, and then we’ll see it from his perspective. And then the camera will turn to the left? And then turn to the right, and then back to where the monster was before? And then it’s [through laughter] gone.
elliott
									
Uh, there’s this zombie nun corpse and it seems like the demon’s big plan is always to, like, attack them and then stop right before it kills them.
dan
									
Yeah. I will, like—
elliott
									
Like—
crosstalk
									
Dan: The one— Elliott: It’s—it’s—
elliott
									
—it’s monster movie logic where it’s, like, the monster’s scary. Ahhhh! Annnnd… time. Back to your corners, everybody. We can’t kill ‘em yet ‘cause the movie has to keep going. But good work, monster. Good work. Take some orange slices, take a lap, then let’s come back and you’ll attack again in, like, 15 minutes.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Literally the only, um… the only credit I gave this movie while watching it was about the first jump scare?
elliott
									
Was based on The Conjuring series?
dan
									
Uh… what? [Stuart laughs.] Yes.
elliott
									
That was the credit?
dan
									
No.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] That you gave to it?
dan
									
No, the o—like, was that the fact of the first like… like, real jump scare? And the like, the meat of the movie… uh… is, like… legs coming down from the top of the screen?
stuart
									
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
dan
									
Where I’m like, oh, well, you know what? I mean, usually in these things… at least the thing jumps from the side of the screen, so… I was slightly surprised. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
It is more likely that he’s not gonna notice it early if it’s coming down from above. Since a lot of times with jump scares, it relies on— [Someone laughs.] —people having the same type of visual field as cameras? [Dan laughs.] Which means no peripheral vision whatsoever?
stuart
									
Now, this—this scene is kind—not—not particularly scary and it doesn’t really have, uh… stakes, because as we said before, the—the—the monster doesn’t really make that much effort to kill anybody. It just is trying to scare them. But the great—the great—the reason why this scene is important in the movie is because after the zombie nun disappears, and Frenchie’s, like, “Aw man, I guess it was all just in my head!” He— [Laughs.] He rips a, uh, giant cross, a grave marker out of the ground, and he’s like, “Just gonna take this with me!” [Laughs.]
dan
									
Mm-hm. [Elliott laughs. Stuart continues laughing.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And he just carries it around with him for a while. [Laughs.] Stuart: Yeah, it’s pretty great.
stuart
									
I—I was like, oh, I hope he’s gonna stab something with it! But he doesn’t.
elliott
									
He does not, no. Uh… it’s not Chekov’s “torn out of the ground grave marker.” Which would’ve been used to stab somebody, or at least mark another grave. So Irene tells Burke that night that she became a nun ‘cause she used to see visions of the Virgin Mary, and Mary would tell her that Mary would point the way. And Burke is like, “Ah, that’s interesting. Well anyway, I once performed an exorcism on a boy and he died. So, that’s our traumas.” [Someone laughs.] “Glad we had this trauma sharing moment.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And the—I like— Elliott: Uh, that—
stuart
									
I’ll—they get a pretty good radio signal on their little radio in their—in their little side room. Right? [Elliott chuckles.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Well, the radio wakes up Burke in the middle of the night ‘cause it’s playing [through laughter, in spooky voice] spooooky jazz music!
stuart
									
[Laughs.] Yup.
elliott
									
Or like, Big Band music? And I love—there’s a—he like, points his flashlight at it and it stops immediately? And it’s like a cartoon Looney Tunes radio that’s like, “Oop! Sorry!” [Everyone laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Hey—[breaks off, laughing.] Stuart: [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Like, I wanted them to do more that were—he would move them—the flashlight away, and the radio would start, and then he’d put the flashlight on the radio would stop again? Like, uh, Michigan J. Frog type scenario—
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Yeah.
elliott
									
—but they don’t go that far with it.
dan
									
Just to jump back a second, I would love it if, uh…
elliott
									
Jump back and kiss yourself?
dan
									
No. Uh—
elliott
									
‘Cause you deserve it, Dan. Dan—you should love yourself.
dan
									
Yeah. Uh—
elliott
									
‘Cause you’re very lovable.
dan
									
That’s fine.
elliott
									
And if no one’s—if you don’t love yourself, no one else is gonna love you either.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I could love myself— Elliott: I guarantee it.
dan
									
—without… wanting to literally kiss myself.
elliott
									
Okay, Dan, that’s what I wanted to talk about, too. You’ve been loving yourself, if you know what I mean— [Dan laughs loudly.] —a little too much lately?
crosstalk
									
Dan: There’s no—such—no such thing as too much, Elliott. [Laughs.] Elliott: And—the—the neighbors have—
elliott
									
The neighbors have been complaining. That, uh, you’re getting a little loud with it.
dan
									
Yeah. Alright. [Laughs.] Well, thank you for the notes. But, uh, what I wanted to say was— [breaks off, laughing.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
This has been Elliott Kalan, masturbation coach. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Earlier, you’re talking about them, like, trading their traumas. And I think it would be really funny if, like, after him talking about, uh, failing to… properly exorcise that boy, or having a bad experience, rather, with—with it. Like, for the—[laughs.] The—nov—the nun to be, like, “Ugh! Can’t we, like, not talk about work after work?” [Stuart and Elliott laugh; Elliott at length.]
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
dan
									
She’s like, “Not on the clock.” [Elliott and Stuart laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] That’s really funny. [Dan chuckles.]
elliott
									
Uh… here’s the thing about exorcisms, guys. I’ve never been in one—obviously— [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Right.
elliott
									
Because I’m not Catholic, and also they’re not real, ‘cause demons are not real.
stuart
									
Yeah. Yeah.
elliott
									
But—here’s the thing. It seems like the job of an exorcist is mainly just to yell Jesus’ name at a kid?
dan
									
Right.
elliott
									
Until the kid behaves? So—
dan
									
So you’re saying you—that you should be able to DIY this. Like…
elliott
									
Kind of!
crosstalk
									
Elliott and Dan: Yeah!
elliott
									
‘Cause it never—it’s never—it’s always, like, and then, uh, the demon gets really mad and starts blowing wind all over the place, and like—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
It’s like, baseketball? He’s just— [Dan laughs.] —doing things to try to distract the priest? But he never seems to really hurt them? So it’s like—to exorcise someone you just kinda have to stand there and just keep your ground and keep yelling “Uh, in domini patrus!” and things like that. You know.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
It’s—it seems like you could just print out the prayers off of the internet, and exorcise someone yourself. Now, Dan, again. We mentioned—you grew up in this world of, uh, exorcisms and demonology.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: What, am I wrong? Dan: I mean, Catholics and—
dan
									
—and Protestants are—are very different, actually. I’ll—there’s some information about Martin Luther and some Theses that I can— [Elliott laughs.] —forward to you.
elliott
									
Wait—[through laughter] some feces? [Dan laughs.] Uh, but—uh—Stuart, do you think you—you’d be ready to handle an exorcism? [Dan coughs.]
stuart
									
I mean…yeahhh.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: You’ve seen enough movies, right? Stuart: Yeah.
stuart
									
I mean… why not? I mean… [Dan laughs. Elliott joins in.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] Stuart’s plottering it as if it’s a job offer. Stuart: It’s what it—yeah, I mean— Dan: Like, what are you gonna pay?
stuart
									
How many—like—are we talking one demon? Two? [Dan laughs.] I’ll have to charge more if it’s—if it’s, like, legion. Right?
elliott
									
That’s the thing. I—I started vomiting up flies, and… just the other day—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Well, yes— Dan: I was eating so many flies—
dan
									
—that’s the first part.
elliott
									
I mean, no! That’s what I first thought! [Dan chuckles.] I was like, why—I’m eating too many flies!
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
But the flies were still alive, and then, like bees started coming out?
stuart
									
Wow.
elliott
									
And I haven’t been eating bees.
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah—[laughs]—yeah, yeah. You woulda remembered if you’d ordered those at Sweetgreens or whatever. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Instead of getting, usually, just my Sweetgreens fly kale Caesar salad.
stuart
									
[Laughs.] Yeah.
elliott
									
Uh—and so… I—so that started happening. And then I started hearing these voices telling me to do… unpardonable, unforgiveable things. And they said that they were Legion? And so, like, how much would you charge to get that out of my body? ‘Cause so far it hasn’t been dangerous, but it’s been annoying.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. So wait, you’re saying… you’re being annoying? Wait, say this again? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Laughs.] It would—yes—
stuart
									
Give me your symptoms.
elliott
									
Demons say I’m being too annoying and they want you to get them out of my body. [Dan and Stuart laugh.] So that I don’t irritate them anymore.
stuart
									
Ohhh, yeah. Yeah. That makes—[through laughter] sense.
elliott
									
‘Cause the—the demons were, like, “We are Legion. We control you now.” And I was like, [singing in corny voice] “Uh-oh. Looks like Legion is here!”
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
[Still singing] “Uh-oh. Everybody better stay clear! ‘Cause it’s Legion!” [Dan laughs.] And they started just rolling their eye—their thousand eyes?
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And I was like… what, am I bothering you guys? [Stuart laughs.] And they’re like, “No. It’s—it’s fine. It’s fine. Whatever. Let’s just keep going.” But, uh, yeah. They want to get out. So they were saying they would pay you well—
stuart
									
Oh, wow!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Elliott: —to free them from me. Yeah.
stuart
									
I mean, I—I guess the price has to at least double. Right? I don’t—I don’t know. What, uh…
elliott
									
[Through laughter] I mean, it really feels like you should be negotiating with them, not with me? [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean—I guess— Elliott: ‘Cause—
stuart
									
—they’ll have to—they’ll have to set it up through my TaskRabbit app. And, uh— [Elliott laughs. Dan joins in.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Okay. I’ll—[breaks off, laughing.] I wonder if there are people on TaskRabbit who will do exorcisms.
stuart
									
Yeah, they’ll move, like, uh… move some furniture for you or do an exorcism. Or, I guess, go to 7—is 7-11 a thing? Can you go to 7-11 on a TaskRabbit?
elliott
									
It—I think— [Someone laughs.] —that’s probably a thing? [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Dan, is 7-11 a thing? Are you texting somebody about that?
dan
									
Sorry, uh— [Elliott laughs. Stuart joins in.] I was, uh—no, I—my—my girlfriend had trouble doing something and so I was texting her. Sorry, my “ghoul”-friend.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh. Thank you. Dan: Had to— Elliott: Oh, good.
elliott
									
Thanks for making it relevant to our discussion, Dan. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Sorry, I apologize.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. [Elliott laughs.] Now, I’m glad that’s going on right now. Um— [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
And it—it turns out what she’s having trouble with is getting a mummy to go back to—to the afterlife? So it really would fit in to what we’re doing, but okay. So. Meanwhile—so—Burke, he’s like, “I’ve gotta follow this radio signal.”
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And it leads him to—uh-oh!—the dead boy that he exorcised two years ago. [Stuart laughs.] That dead boy jumps out, a big snake comes out of his mouth, and Burke is like—whoa, whoa, whoa! And falls backwards into a coffin, and suddenly he’s buried alive.
stuart
									
Now, Dan, uh… this—this—this boy… this apparition of a boy that he… uh, failed to exorcise the demon from—the boy’s name is Daniel. So when the priest kept saying “Daniel” over and over, were you, like, extra scared? Or were you just looking around? [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Did you think they had personalized the movie for you, like— [Someone laughs.] —those books you get for kids?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And everyone— Dan: Uh—
elliott
									
—Who watched it, their name was said?
dan
									
It was—well, no, it was kind of like… you know, if a cat hears… his or her name?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Like, I just kinda cocked my head every time it happened, ‘cause I was like, what? Does someone need me?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
You know, am I needed for something? But like, I didn’t take me—it didn’t take me out of the movie, guys. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Okay. So you weren’t—you weren’t, like, screaming at the screen, “I’m right here!”
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
“Tell me what you need!”
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah, no. That’s—yeah. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
So yeah, he’s—he’s down the hole. Uh, he’s the man of the box. Uh—
elliott
									
Just like in The Wire theme song, he’s “down in the hole.”
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Laughs.] I was—
elliott
									
Wait, so he’s—he’s—Eric—he’s—he’s—uh, Rob Brydon’s man in a box?
stuart
									
Uh, I mean, I was once again, uh, those were both references to Allison Chains songs, so I don’t—
elliott
									
Oh, I see.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I see. Stuart: I wasn’t doing some—
stuart
									
—like, nerdy comedy bullshit. I was doing, like, cool guy rock’n’roll shit. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] You’re right.
stuart
									
[Laughs.] So… yeah. He’s down that box, and then, uh… it—at this point, uh, Sister Irene has, like, a spooky dream of a bunch of nuns and an evil nun.
elliott
									
Mm-hm.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Mm-hm. Stuart: That sounds like—
stuart
									
—this movie, right? [Laughs.] [Dan and Elliott laugh.]
elliott
									
It’s—the movie is kind of, like, when in doubt, throw a bunch of nuns on the screen—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And one of them’s probably gonna be evi—the—the movie’s like, look. 1 in every 12 nuns is probably evil.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
So if we get a ton of nuns on the screen— [Dan laughs.] —and that should be a movie right there, Tons of Nuns—but yeah. She has this bad dream. She wakes up and sees a ghost nun, a mirror explodes out at her—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
The mirror budget for this abbey must be crazy.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And meanwhile, Father Burke—he happens to—luckily—to be in one—in one of those coffins that’s rigged up with a bell in case you get buried alive? So he’s ringing that bell.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
He’s—look. That—that—if that coffin said “You can ring my beelll”—
stuart
									
Nope.
elliott
									
“Ring my bell”—
stuart
									
Nope.
elliott
									
He would say, “Yes, please! ‘Cause I’m buried alive!” Is that song about being buried alive, Dan? You’re the—you’re the pop music fan.
dan
									
Uh—I have a counter-question for you, Elliott. So do you think—
elliott
									
A question about my counters? They’re kind of— [Dan laughs.] —like, a Formica quartz? [Through laughter] I guess?
dan
									
Do you think that, um… do you think that, uh, an abbey of the time would have a bunch of mirrors, or do you think that would encourage the sin of vanity?
stuart
									
Good question!
elliott
									
It’s a good question! Because what do you need that mirror for? You’re not fixing your hair! ‘Cause it’s covered with a wimple!
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And… as, uh, we all know, that’s the way the world ends— [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Nearly inaudibly] Not with a bang. [Chuckles.] Elliott: With a wimple. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
And so, the uh—and you don’t—you’re not putting on makeup unless it’s that one scene in Black Narcissus which is chilling. Oh, what a good movie. Maybe I’ll recommend that later. And, uh—yeah! I don’t know if you’d need that mirror. But maybe you need the mirror to, like, make sure there’s not any food on your face or something?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Because that would be pretty disrespectful to God. If you’re doing Vespers or something and you got food all over your face?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. Elliot: So I would—
elliott
									
—say they would have one regulation-size mirror—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And they would only use it after meals.
stuart
									
Yeah! It would also be, uh, I feel like it would also be good for Dracula-avoidance. Right?
elliott
									
Oh, quite the opposite! You—he’s not gonna show up in it!
stuart
									
No, but I mean, that’s how you would, like, figure it out! Right? Is he’d like—
elliott
									
Oh, oh yeah. Maybe. Oh, and also, like, if someone dies and you’re not sure if they’re dead or not, you can put that mirror under their nose—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Ohhh. Right. Elliott: —to catch their breath?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: But that’s a huge mirror. Stuart: That’s a huge mirror.
stuart
									
You’d need, like, six people to carry it around at least.
dan
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
But if, like, the BFG died and you weren’t sure—you’d—that’s the kind of mirror you would use.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Sure, the Big Friendly Giant from the movie— Dan: Yeah, and you’re not—I mean, you’re not gonna— Elliott: [Laughs.]
dan
									
You’re also not gonna have one of those big ceiling sex mirrors. So… that’s out, too.
stuart
									
Wait—
elliott
									
Uh—okay?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: You—sure. Is that— [Laughs.] Stuart: Wait. So what—
stuart
									
—you’re saying you would use this giant mirror for a sex mirror? On the ceiling?
dan
									
No, I—[through laughter] I’m just saying that’s another type of mirror you wouldn’t have around.
stuart
									
Well what—yeah. You wouldn’t have that in an abbey. Right?
dan
									
That—right! That’s my point.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Elliott: I mean, or even in most homes, or most buildings— [Someone laughs.] Elliott: —of any kind. [All three laugh.]
elliott
									
So—Dan, how—how—what is the territory that your sex is taking you on that you need that big a mirror on the ceiling?
dan
									
I—well, I mean, y’know, as big as the bed. I’m not saying that the whole room needs to be mirrored—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Up to— Elliott: Oh, I thought it—it—just in case like you ended up on the other side of the room somehow.
dan
									
Yeah. Like, a ghost dropped me there or something. [Stuart and Elliott laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Wait, what is going on in your love life?
stuart
									
[inaudible]
elliott
									
Dan?
dan
									
Oh, I don’t want to talk about it. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh, man.
elliott
									
I guess you did mention that you have a ghoul-friend— [Stuart laughs.] —so maybe [through laughter] ghosts are involved? [Laughs, long pause.] Okay, so, uh, Burke’s ringing that bell and Father Irene hears him and she digs him out.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And—the—the—they find that the coffin—and in the coffin, there’s like, a nun that attacks him. Uh, in the coffin they find some spooky old books—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And I was like, finally! A movie for me! A movie where the characters are gonna go look at books for a while!
stuart
									
Yeah, around this point I’m like… man, whoever’s maintaining the grounds here’s doing a pretty good job! This lawn is— [Elliott laughs.] —pretty freshly shorn. Whoever’s maining—man—uh, manning its smoke machine makes sure it’s constantly pumping out tons of fog.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. And there’s always a shovel nearby when you need it, to dig someone out of a coffin.
stuart
									
And like—is—were they trying to do a bit with, like, the… like, that there were multiple bells around the, uh, around the cemetery and she wasn’t quite sure which one was gonna be the right ringing one? Like…
elliott
									
I’m not sure—I think maybe one of the nuns was playing “Tubular Bells” on the Pure Moods CD?
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yep.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And so it was just—confused her. Dan: They said it wrong. It’s TUBE-ular bells.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] I for—I forgot the Ninja Turtles produced that compilation album of—[breaks off, laughing.] [Dan laughs.] —Of atmospheric New Wave tunes.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
elliott
									
Featuring, of course, the X-Files Theme Remix, by DJ Dido. Uh…
dan
									
You don’t really hear much about New Wave anymore. Is that—or, not New Wave; it’s not—New Age, is what—New Wave is the… post-punk… thing.
elliott
									
I mean, you don’t hear too much about that, either, unless you’re—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Dan. And you— Dan: Well, no, that’s—[laughs.]
elliott
									
—live in this kind of idealized world of the nine—of 1980s culture.
dan
									
No, New Wave is very influential on current rock music. I mean—
elliott
									
And New Wage is very influential on the presidential run of Marion Williamson. Right?
dan
									
[Chuckles.] Well, fair enough. Uh… asked and answered, counselor. Move on.
elliott
									
I—I think the iron—the irony is that most of the people who were interested in New Age are now of old age—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Oh, shitttt. [Elliott laughs.] Oh, man. [Laughs.] Somebody get out a fire extinguisher. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
You’re gonna have to. [Laughs.] ‘Cause as—as our French-Canadian friend Frenchie learns, uh, there’s a lot of misfortune in the town, and everyone blames the abbey! It turns out they’re probably right. And he thinks our heroes are in danger. The next morning, Sister Irene’s talking to this nun—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
—and, meanwhile, Burke is doing the smartest thing you can do with old books about demons: reading aloud from them in a crypt.
stuart
									
It was—it was really weird for me, ‘cause this—when this, uh… this scene opened up, like… the—the last we saw of Burke and Sister Irene, they were, like, “Oh man, maybe there’s some information in these books!” And then it cuts to Frenchie in a—in a—in a pub, in the town, and everybody’s sad, and then he sees a shotgun and he’s like, “Okay, I know what I have to do.” And then it cuts to the next morning, with them in different outfits, and the lighting’s a little different and for some reason, watching it, I’m like… is this a dream? Is—are they reading this in the book? Obviously, it isn’t, but there was something very strange about it for me.
elliott
									
Well, it also—the strange part for me is that, uh—and this happens a lot in movies—is—it’s like, ooh! Something crazy happened to us! Well, time to hit the hay! [Dan laughs.] And then the next day are they like, showering and getting dressed and they’re like, oh, I can’t wait to find out about that crazy thing! Well, let’s have a breakfarst first. Uh—I’ll have the, uh, ooh! Full farmer’s breakfast? Uh—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It should be called a breakfarst, by the way, right? [Dan laughs.] Elliott: —this come with tomatoes? Dan: Uh— Stuart: Elliott—
stuart
									
You misspoke and said “breakfirst,” and you know what? I think that makes a lot of sense. [Laughs.] [Elliott and Dan laugh.]
elliott
									
It’s a better name!
dan
									
Well— [Laughs.]
elliott
									
It is the first “brek” of the day.
dan
									
[Through laughter] That’s the thing. It’s—it is—not a better name, because there’s no such thing as “brek.” There is, however, ”break,” the word that it’s corrupted from.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Breaking one’s fast. [Laughs.] But— Elliott: Mm, I was referring to the character?
elliott
									
The character “Brek”— [Dan laughs.] —from Ann Leckie’s Ancillary series of novels.
dan
									
Okay.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
But uh—these, uh, I—there’s also Breaker Morant, which is a great movie.
crosstalk
									
Dan: And your friend—Brek Mayhem. [Laughs.] Elliott: Uh—anyway—okay, so—
elliott
									
They’re having—they’re having breakfirst, and they’re—and they’re like, do you guys—so that spooky stuff last night, was that real? And Father Brooke is, like, “I thought it was a dream!”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: What—did that happen to you? Stuart: Uh, did you say—Father—Father “Brek”? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Father Brek—Burtle Brek. That’s who I’m talking about.
stuart
									
Oh, wow! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Uh—[through laughter] so, there’s a lot of distancing techniques being used here.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
So guys—they’ve—anyway, they find ou—so, uh, so Father Brek’s just reading about Valek, the demon, inventor of the value pak—
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Uh… out loud. And I thought he was gonna, like, raise some spirits or something. But that didn’t happen. But, uh, Sister Irene, she, uh… she’s talking to this other nun and the other nun’s like, “Oh yeah, yes, so anyway the abbey was built by an evil duke and—” [Dan^ bursts into laughter.] “—he made a gateway for a demon, and the Catholic church came and sealed it up with the blood of Christ, and then some bombs opened up the gateway. So… anyway, that’s what’s going on!” And it’s like, wait a minute. Was this—[through laughter]—like, was this—one, if she’s gonna just lay it out that easily, then why didn’t they find that out earlier, but also, it—as a viewer, I was like, I figured that was basically the story but like… it feels kinda like the whole experience has been cheapened by them just—it’s like, uh, like, uh, the—the—not having the chase or the seduction, if you will, in a love affair.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s like—oh— Stuart: Sure, yeah.
elliott
									
—this feels vulgar to me. Vulgar and thin. What do you—did you guys feel the same way?
stuart
									
What, that there’s just an info-dump explaining all the problems? [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah! She’s like, anyway, so now the—the demon roams the abbey as a nun, so watch out for any weird nuns you might see! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah! So if you walk into a room and there’s a buncha bodies that are—have their heads shrouded? Uh, hanging upside-down and their blood is pooling into a gateway?
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Uh—mm—maybe, uh, walk out?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Or lock the door? Dan: Yeah. There’s a— [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
If there’s a nun—if there’s a nun running after you, run away. If there’s nuns on the run, that’s just Eric Idle and, uh, Robbie Coltrane. So you don’t need to worry about that. But.
elliott
									
And then—then you’re in for some good old-fashioned joke-em-ups.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
stuart
									
Stuart: I’m surprised you didn’t say “fun.” But, you know. [Elliott and Dan laugh.] It would’ve rhymed.
elliott
									
Uh, I think that would be stretching the definition of “fun” to include nuns on the run in that? [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Not very fun.
elliott
									
And—and if you’re on a secret WWII mission, it’s the nuns of Navarrone. [Dan giggles.]
dan
									
Yep.
elliott
									
So anyway. Uh, guys, but I was—it was just surprising. But I think that priest might turn out to be a ghost later on? Or what. Is that what happens? I—I was so unclear about how many nuns were actually in this abbey at any given point.
stuart
									
Uh, wait. Are you asking if all the nuns that Sister Irene interacts with are ghosts?
elliott
									
Are they all ghosts?
stuart
									
Yeah, they’re all ghosts.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Okay. Even that— Stuart: She’s the only person—
stuart
									
—who interacts with any of them, the only, uh, the other characters only interact with nuns as, like, uh, zombie monsters.
crosstalk
									
Dan: [With a tone of dawning realization] Ohh! I did not notice that! Elliott: Except for the—well-it—and it— Stuart: Yeah. Sister Irene’s—
stuart
									
—the only one who interacts with any of them by, like, talking.
crosstalk
									
Dan: So… Stuart: Unless you’ve got the— Elliott: Except for the abbess.
stuart
									
Who is… very clearly some kind of a monster.
elliott
									
Yes. And she’s shrouded and making creaking noises with her neck and—
crosstalk
									
Stuart and Dan: Yeah.
elliott
									
—sits on a throne in a crypt? [Laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] for some reason?
dan
									
So she sees dead people, is what you’re saying.
stuart
									
Yeah, I mean, that’s—that’s just the way that, uh… that’s the way that Valek, the evil, uh, demon? Monster? Is uh…
elliott
									
Mm-hm.
stuart
									
Yeah, is, uh, “The Snake Master,” I think he’s called. Uh—
elliott
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
That’s how he—he has chosen to bedevil her, I think. Is by using nuns. As she has not taken her vows yet, I think, they are still some kind of an authority figure or a symbol of her future, maybe.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. It gives her real inferior complex, ‘cause it’s like—it’s like when you’re a—a teen, and you haven’t done it yet and all your friends have? And they’re talking about it all the time?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And you’re like, yeah. Sure. Okay. Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Okay. Yeah. Stuart: Uh-huh. Yeah.
stuart
									
Uh, actually, I was probably like, “Uh, why are you bothering me with this? I would very much like to talk to you about how the X-Men bear distinct similarities to, uh, Greek heroes of yore!” [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Actually, I would love to have that conversation, to be honest. [Serious voice.] Uh—okay, guys. Look. We got a demon problem on hand.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And it’s called the nun.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh-huh. Elliott: So—
elliott
									
—Irene is like, uh, I gotta stay overnight in the abbey tonight. And… she does the same thing all the characters do. She goes walking around after midnight out in the moonlight—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Just like she used to do and gets the usual spooky frights. She has a nightmare. Brooke—Burke, meanwhile that night, he keeps getting choked by zombie ghoul nuns?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
It’s like he can’t—he can’t turn around without a zombie ghoul nun choking him. And then, [flatly dramatic] an evil nun demon is chasing Irene! Ahhhhh!
dan
									
Yup.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Nonplussed scream] Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Stuart: Yup. Yeah, I mean, it’s a lot of like—it’s a— Dan: Yeah.
stuart
									
—it’s a lot of, like, characters walk from—into a new room. That new room is scary. They get scared a li’l bit, uh… just a little, not too much. And then— [Dan laughs.] —it moves on to the next room.
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] Like the audience? Elliott: Yeah.
stuart
									
And as usual— [Elliott laughs.] —it almost always features a moment where the character looks at the scary thing, turns to the—camera turns to the left, turns to the right, back where the scary thing was, but it’s not there any more.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. Stuart: Is it—
stuart
									
—behind you? We don’t know.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It usually isn’t. [Laughs.] Dan: [Through laughter] No one knows.
elliott
									
It—it—and eventually it’s gonna strangle you. Because here’s what I learned about the demon Valek—in her—in his form or her form as the nun, is—loves to strangle!
stuart
									
Yeah, I mean it’s—
elliott
									
Loves strangling!
stuart
									
Snake master! Snakes are stranglers.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh, well, some snakes are stranglers. Dan: Oh, wow. That’s—
dan
									
—yeah, come on. That is a— [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh, or poisons!
dan
									
[Coughs, then laughs.] Yeah, right.
stuart
									
It’s like—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Thank you. Stuart: —two methods of—
dan
									
Painting snakes with a pretty broad brush that I don’t appreciate!  [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Which is ironic, since they’re such narrow animals/
dan
									
 [Through laughter] Yeah.
dan
									
Uh—
elliott
									
Now guys, when God made snakes—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Dan: Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Do you think he meant to give them legs? And then he just forgot ‘cause he had to deal with, like, Satan or something? And he left the table?
crosstalk
									
Dan: I mean, wasn’t— Elliott: And then he came back—
elliott
									
Wasn’t the Adam and Eve story, wasn’t part of it that, like, you’re—like, ‘cause of it, you’re cursed to—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —slither on the ground? Stuart: You’re the expert, dude!
elliott
									
Yeah. Dan, you’re the one who grew up in a theological household.
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
[Faintly, in background] I believe [Inaudible]
stuart
									
Elliott’s just trying to—[laughs.] Run ideas for—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —a B-grade Far Side cartoon. [Laughs.] Dan: I mean—I— [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I grew up— [Laughs.] Elliott: But there is a Far Side—
elliott
									
—cartoon where God’s making snakes, and he’s like, these things are so easy! It’s just—he’s just doing the thing where you just roll a lump of clay between your hands until it becomes a long—
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
—a long rod?
dan
									
Yeah. I ju—I’m—I want to clarify that I grew up in a Christian household—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Dan: And— Elliott: Yeah, exactly!
dan
									
And because it was focused—it was actually focused more on theology, like, we did not take, uh—the Old Testament in particular—stories to have literal meaning that we needed to understand. They were looked upon as, y’know, stories that might illuminate something about—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —our world. Stuart: Elliott, I don’t know about you—
stuart
									
—but I’m a little uncomfortable with all this preaching Dan’s doing. [Laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Okay.
elliott
									
Yeah. Dan. Look. I’m very comfortable with my religion and I don’t need you to try to convince me to join yours, which I guess is a religion of, uh—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —doubt. Just a religion of— Dan: Are you—are you sure? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Just a religion of self-doubt and—and—and uncertainty!
dan
									
But Elliott, if I, uh… if I get 10 more people to sign up, I get a free membership! [Laughs.]  [Stuart laughs.]  [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
 [Through laughter] Wait. Sold on… [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh—
elliott
									
So this is li—Dan, I think this—I think you should’ve have joined the church of Herbalife.  [Dan laughs.] I think that was a mistake. [Laughs.] Okay, so, uh—uh the d—that demon, he attacks Burke in the form of Daniel, the exorcised kid, again. And Irene finds she’s—so—we—it’s been told to us that the nuns are just taking turns praying forever.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Mm-hm. Stuart: Yeah. Elliott: Like—
elliott
									
—the—the nuns take turns so that prayer never stops in the abbey. And for centuries, there’s always been some nun saying the prayers. Obviously that’s not the case anymore ‘cause they’re all ghosts now—
stuart
									
Yeah, but that was—and that was—that was in an attempt to, like, keep the evil at bay. Keep the, like, sealed portal closed so that Hell couldn’t come out. Right?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. Exactly. Stuart: And then I’m guessing—
stuart
									
—a bomb hit the abbey and a piece of wood comically bonked a nun on the head—  [Elliott laughs.] —and they stopped.
elliott
									
 [Through laughter] I love this. And that’s probably what happened and the nun woke up and thought she was a famous Italian race car driver and left— [Elliott and Stuart laugh.] And—and the—and the demo—that gave the demon the opening he’d needed.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
To leave. Uh, so Irene is joined—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —by this army— Stuart: And by “leave” you mean—
stuart
									
—just wanders around the abbey for a while.
elliott
									
Yes. Okay, yeah, ‘cause there’s no way out. ‘Cause it’s essentially one round tunnel with no—with no entrance or exit.
stuart
									
Oh, but I guess they need—the demon needs, like, a—like a living host. Right? So I guess that makes sense. I shouldn’t have made it—
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. The demon can’t, uh, as—as we saw in the prologue, the demon can’t just walk out on its own.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
It needs a human host, because… demon, that—I guess that’s demon rules! I don’t know. Ultra-powerful, but they—they need a body, you know.
stuart
									
So it’s—it seems like our heroes, uh, Burke and Irene, uh, are a little overmatched here. Like, they—they’re separated and getting beaten at every turn by the demon. And of course that means—that’s when Frenchie arrives.  [Dan laughs.] And he ju—
elliott
									
Wait, wait! We’re—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: We’re not— Stuart: Wait, did-did—
elliott
									
—We’re not there yet! We’re not there yet! Uh, Irene is—is praying with an army of nuns. There’s an army of nuns that are praying all together, and the demon’s really tossing her—tossing the nuns around. And slashing up Irene’s back and slashing her clothes. That’s when Burke, uh, is led to the horror room by a clue in a crossword puzzle that he sees. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] What?
elliott
									
Because what—he’s—he’s been—he’s doing a crossword puzzle throughout the movie, and this is when that becomes a plot point. [Dan laughs.] Uh, and that’s when Frenchie comes back, saves him from a zombie. How does he do it, Stuart?
stuart
									
Oh, uh… wait. What? There’s a crossword puzzle? [Dan laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah, I was surprised by that, too. You can tell how much, uh, I—I was engaged [through laughter] by the details of the movie by this point.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean, if it was important enough to interrupt— Elliott: I forgot exce—exce—that works.
stuart
									
—my description, uh, you surely remember what the clue was— [Dan laughs.] —in the crossword puzzle, Elliott. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Well, the thing—the thing I really wanted to interrupt was I wanted to—tell everyone about how Irene has now taken on the task of praying to keep the door—the gateway closed. And she thinks she’s surrounded by these other nuns who are being killed by the demon. And she feels like she’s being attacked by the demon. ‘Cause that’s gonna come up. That’s gonna be important. But the—the—I mean, the crossword puzzle, it says, like, “left.” [Someone laughs.] Or something like that. And he goes to the left and there’s the room.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And I assume that’s— Stuart: He’s like—four wor—
stuart
									
Uh, four letters, opposite of “right.” Wrong is not— [Elliott and Dan laugh.] —that’s five letters. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
No, that’s five letters. Let’s me sit and do this. Oh, why did I start in ink?  [Stuart laughs.] I should’ve started in pencil!
dan
									
And—and—this— [Laughs.] Maybe this is one of those Thursday—
dan
									
—crosswords where one of the wo—letters is missing, so maybe it is wrong! “Wron…”  [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] This—now—it posits a world where God is Will Shortz?  [Dan laughs.] Which—I wouldn’t want to live in that universe.
dan
									
Oh, uh, he seems like he’d be a pretty benevolent God. I dunno.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Eh, well, a lotta— Elliott: I mean, basic—
dan
									
—puzzles we’d have to figure out, though, to—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —get through day-to-day life. Elliott: I mean—to— Stuart: I mean—
elliott
									
—to be honest, life is a constant puzzle and you don’t get all the clues—
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And then at the end, the—all you get as a reward is a finished—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —crossword puzzle— Stuart: Let me—
elliott
									
So you know what? [Dan laughs.] Maybe he is—maybe God is Will Shortz!
stuart
									
Let me write this down for my Etsy cross stitch project? [Laughs.]  [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
I’m interested in this new religion you’ve created, Elliott. Uh, maybe I could switch over to that one. ‘Cause the membership fees in my current one— [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Well Dan, I—ours are very competitive. Look, it’s $99 to—as the initiation fee. And then it’s just $600 a month—
dan
									
 [Through laughter] Okay.
elliott
									
That’s your basic standard plan. That gets you one crossword puzzle a month—
dan
									
Wow.
elliott
									
Uh, not a Will Shortz crossword puzzle, but a crossword puzzle. We clip it out of, uh, not the New York Times, but out of the TV Guide.  [Stuart laughs.] And send it to you. Now, if you upgrade to the $2000 a month level, then we’ll send you two New York Times crossword puzzles as month, and—again, if you get 10 people to join, then you get up to three weeks free. So we’ll just prorate that monthly fee.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Uh, and on top of that, you get absolvtion—absolution from all sins that are crossword-puzzle related. Like, if you cheat on a crossword puzzle—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Or if you cross out the letters and write something else in?
dan
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
You’re absolved of that sin. And, um—uh, you just ha—owe us a billion years of service!
dan
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So—can I sign you up? Stuart: Oh! Yeah— Dan: I mean—
dan
									
—that is actually pretty close to the cost of subscribing to the New York Times crosswords, so.
elliott
									
Hey-oooo! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Do you, uh—just a clarifying question. You said you clip it out of a TV Guide. Do they still make—  [Dan laughs.] —print TV Guides? [Laughs.]  [Elliott laughs.] Or do you have to, like, print it off the internet?
elliott
									
These are vintage TV Guides—
stuart
									
 [Laughs.] Okay.
elliott
									
—that we find in flea markets and old-age homes across—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —the country. Stuart: To be honest—
stuart
									
—most of the crosswords are already done at this point, but.  [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Uh, but you can take those as omens or som— [Dan and Stuart laugh.] —something. I dunno.
dan
									
 [Laughs.] Sure.
elliott
									
Uh, so, they uh—so Frenchie, he saves Burke from, uh, from a zombie, and they go into the horror room, and Irene is all alone in there! It turns out there were no other nuns! As Stuart was making clear before, they’re all g-g-g-ghosts! She’s the only nun-nun-nun-nun still left in the abbey!
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Uh—and, uh, and Burke burns up a nun zombie. He like—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —touches it with a cross— Stuart: That was great!
elliott
									
—and, yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah, so the nun zombie gets up and they’re like wrestling with it and they set it—[laughs]—on fire. And then Frenchie just blasts it with a shotgun? [Through laughter] It’s pretty great.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] He’s like, “This is what’s black and white and red all over!”
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And then shoots the nun. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Quick wit, that Frenchie! Uh— [Laughs, then continues through laughter] Well, sort of! Stuart: Oh, a crossword joke, right? That’s what it was? [Laughs.] ‘Cause you read— Elliott: [Through laughter] I mean, it—it could be! It could be! [Laughs.] Uh, so they’re like—
stuart
									
—you read the words in a crossword?
dan
									
What? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Dan?
dan
									
[Through laughter] What?
stuart
									
Dan, help! Help me!
crosstalk
									
Dan: No, it’s a— Stuart: Help, Dan!
dan
									
I thought you were making a joke about a newspaper that had blood on it.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, okay! Elliott: Uh, Dan, where’s the—
elliott
									
Where’s the newspap—where’s the crossword puzzle?
crosstalk
									
Dan and Elliott: In the newspaper!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Third base! I don’t—what are we doing? [Laughs.] Stuart: And there’s—and there’s blood? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
So anyway. They’ve gotta seal this gateway, but they need Christ’s blood to do it! As they know from the flashback earlier when the nun was info-dumping, there’s like a glass globe that has a little bit of Jesus’s blood in it?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And—this feels like it’s a long game for Valek, because eventually they’re gonna run out of blood.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Jesus only had eight pints of blood in him, right? So eventually—how long—how many thousands of years is that gonna last? So—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean, you don’t drain it all at once, right? Elliott: They’ve gotta go find that thing—
stuart
									
You just take little globs every one in a while, right?
dan
									
Now, was this—
elliott
									
No, no, but eventually they’re gonna run out! Even with the—just taking those little drips.
dan
									
So is this long-congealed, like, clotted blood? Like, I don’t—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It’s magic, dude. Elliott: I mean— Dan: It’s magic?
stuart
									
Well, they—they address that there’s a big pile of blood on the front steps. [Dan laughs.] Yeah. When they, like, walk up to the abbey and they’re like, wow, it’s still wet!
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
But it’s been like, a bunch of days!
dan
									
Ohhh.
elliott
									
Yeah, ‘cause magic blood stays—I mean, you’d have to assume, buying into this world of Catholic mysticism, that Christ’s blood would just stay liquid forever? Since it’s a holy miracle that it exists at all?
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Uh… but, you know, maybe it—maybe it’s—that’s the fr—they should have had that when they’re pouring it to seal the gateway, it’s, like, syrup or ketchup? And it’s taking forever? And the demon is running after them and they’re like, [anxiously] c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon!
crosstalk
									
Dan: I mean— Elliott: Like, when someone’s—
elliott
									
—trying to get—download a file before someone else walks into the room and that status bar is just—just going so slow?
dan
									
Maybe he turned it back into wine, to keep it liquid over the years.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: What? I thought that was—I thought that was water. Elliott: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. That makes a lot of sense.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Is it—what? Dan: What? No, the—I’m talking about the Communion! When he’s like, this is my blood. Elliott: Yeah, it was water they turned into wine. Oh, with, uh—with Whitley Striver?
elliott
									
Whit—Whitley Striver’s Communion when the aliens—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —came down and broke it? Dan: [Sighs heavily.] You drink wine—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —in honor of Jesus’s blood being spilled— Stuart: In church?
dan
									
And he says this is—and Catholics would believe it’s the literal blood of Chr—Christ, because it’s transu—transubstantiation!
stuart
									
Dan, I told you to not preach so much to me!
dan
									
 [Through laughter] Oh, God dammit!
elliott
									
Yeah, Dan, we’re not interested in joining your—your religion. Okay?
dan
									
[Laughs.] Okay.
elliott
									
So. But Dan makes a good point. I mean, I wouldn’t know because as—as a Jew, I don’t [imitates Bela Lugosi’s Dracula] drink… wine. [Dan and Stuart laugh enthusiastically.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Through laughter] Oh, cool! Elliott: Actually, it’s not true.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Wine is a staple of almost all Jewish holidays. That’s more— [Laughs.] Dan: [Through laughter] Yeah. Just—just—gross wine. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Is—as—that’s—the Jew would say, [Dracula voice]  “I don’t drink… good wine.” [Dan laughs.] That’s what a Jewish vampire would say. Uh—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Years—years ago at a— Elliott: so it—
stuart
									
—Purim party at Charlene’s, I think Charlene tried to come up with a cocktail [through laughter] using Manischewitz. And— [Elliott laughs.] —quickly abandoned it. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] [Elliott laughs at length.]
elliott
									
It’s like, uh, yeah. What’s it like when you drink a Pixy Stick? Well, there it is! [Stuart laughs.] Manischewitz. Very sweet. Okay. So. They’ve gotta seal this gateway. They need Christ’s blood to it, but where’s the relic? Irene says before we do this, I know we should probably hurry, ‘cause Valek is trying to steal our bodies so it can escape into the world. But first, I feel like I should be a nun to do this. I wanna take my vows. Because you know what? This movie’s called The Nun—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And all the nuns are ghosts. There’s not a real nun in this whole movie. Time for me to step up and become: the nun. ‘Cause here’s my question, guys—who’s the nun in this movie?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It’s her—it’s Irene! Elliott: Is it—I thought it—
elliott
									
I thought it was the demon nun this whole time! But is it really her? Irene?
stuart
									
In, uh, in storytelling, Elliott, we would call this the tilt.
dan
									
[Through laughter] What? [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: When you think it’s—you think the nun— Elliott: [Through laughter] Okay. ‘Cause the—‘cause the—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] —in the title refers to the monster nun. No, no, no! Not so fast! It’s Sister Irene who will become a—the nun.
dan
									
And that—
elliott
									
Okay.
dan
									
What emotion does that [through laughter] elicit? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Shock and surprise! [Laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Wow. Really?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: That’s what— Dan: This mild—
dan
									
—play on the title is—[breaks off, laughing.] [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: That’s—that’s—when—when— Elliott: You get—what? Dan: [Through laughter] Freak our brains?
stuart
									
[Dan and Elliott laugh.] When Dan and I were watching this movie in the movie theater—in Dan’s per—private movie theater he has in his apartment. He turns to me and he goes, now she’s the nun! [Laughs.] And I was like, calm down, dude! I’m trying to watch the movie! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] No, that’s—that’s when I held uncomfortably long eye contact with Stuart. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah, Dan just looked at him forever and went, [dramatically] “And then there were nun.” [Dan laughs.]  [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
So, uh—they follow—so Irene’s like, oh, when I was young, I always had this dream that Mary would point the way. And they see a statue of the Virgin Mary and it points them where the holy relic is! So much as in the hit film Signs, something that happened as a kid now turns out to be, uh, the thing she needs in this moment. Because God is nothing if not confusing and also, uh… I guess operating on a different sense of linear time?
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
elliott
									
‘Cause it’d be much more helpful if—if God gave her that information now than if he gave it to her as a child.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. Elliott: And he’s like—
elliott
									
—remember this, okay? [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. Elliott: Write this down.
stuart
									
And the way the, like, light is, uh, the like sunlight is bouncing off the statue’s finger to point the way is very—very much like the way, like, Nathan Drake would solve a mystery in the Uncharted video games. [Laughs.] [Dan and Elliott laugh.] Like, a pirate said that this thing would be pointing at this!
elliott
									
Uh, so they get the holy relic. Uh, I guess it’s got some blood in it. It just looked like a glass globe to me. They split up because why wouldn’t they?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
They have what they need and they know where they need to go. Why not split up and go in different directions? A lotta dungeon crawling. They’re all getting attacked by haunt-y things.
stuart
									
Obviously at this point, you’re probably wondering: why don’t they just take the blood and pour it all over Frenchie’s shotgun bullets—
dan
									
Ohhhh!
stuart
									
—so he can blast that nun? But—
elliott
									
Oh, wow.
stuart
									
Y’know, I mean, that would require a certain level of crafting skill. You probably haven’t got enough experience points for that yet, so we’ll just move on. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Wait, crafting skill?
crosstalk
									
Dan: To just dip your bullets in blood? Stuart: Yeah, you have to have the crafting skill! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
stuart
									
So you have to—you have to find a crafting station. I guess in this case it’d be, like— [Elliott laughs.] —a… maybe like a sarcophagus or something— [Dan laughs.] —that has, uh, you hit the X button and then you have to hold the Y button to—
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] It’s like you—could find a sarcophagus down there. Stuart: To craft the item you wanna craft.
stuart
									
But he doesn’t have enough crafting tools—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: So he can’t craft it. And as I mentioned, he— Dan: [Through laughter] To dip a bullet in blood? [Laughs.]  [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
It takes a lot of experience points to raise your crafting skills to that level!
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] What experience do you need? Stuart: And you also have to have the holy trait. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
You have to have the holy trait or else you can’t make a holy weapon like that.
dan
									
[Through laughter] How do you get this experience?
stuart
									
You get experience points by bailing demons, Dan! [Dan laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] And dipping a bullet in blood? Elliott: Guess that’s why they go through the—
elliott
									
—that’s why they go through the hallways fighting those demons! Is to get their XPs up so you can make the blood bullets!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Okay. [Through laughter] Alright. Sure. [Laughs.] Stuart: Yeah, you gotta grind a little bit! You gotta farm, like, obviously— [Elliott laughs.] Elliott: So—uh—
stuart
									
—you would normally in this situation be, like, uh, I got a job in real life. I don’t have time to farm XPs. I’ll pay my little brother to do it. Now that would normally be a good idea, but you give your money—your brother the money first. [Through laughter] Big mistake. [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Instead of farming those XPs— Elliott: No, no, no. Shouldn’t have done that.
stuart
									
He takes that money down to the corner store. He buys all kinds of candy. [Dan laughs.] And you’re like, normally, this is a good idea! Because candy has plenty of nutritious value— [Elliott laughs.] Just check the wrapper. It says it. So he starts eating all the candy. [Through laughter] Big mistake. ‘Cause that candy has—there was a problem at the factory— [Dan laughs.] —and they accidentally put—
dan
									
[Through laughter] Oh, god.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] —they put shrinking serum in the candy.
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] Oh, God! [Laughs.] Elliott: [Through laughter] Like, you know— [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Now normally you’d say, that’s fine. My little brother could be a little bit smaller. He’d still be my little brother because he’s small. Okay? [Dan laughs.] But the problem is—
dan
									
[Through laughter] That’s the important thing! The name fits!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: But he ate so much of it, right? He ate so much of that candy! Stuart: He ate so much of it—exactly!
stuart
									
So he—he eats all the candy. [Through laughter] Big mistake.
dan
									
Oh, no.
stuart
									
Because he shrunk so small, now he can walk between the—  [Dan laughs.] —the space between the particles in your atoms.  [Elliott laughs.] He goes back in time.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yep. Wait—
stuart
									
Bit mistake. Now he’s your older brother. [Dan and Elliott laugh.] But he’s far too small to actually do anything about it. He can’t pick on you. He can’t help you. He can’t teach you how to ride a bike. [Elliott laughs.] Because as I said before—he’s so small. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Series of unfortunate events! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
I mean, you can—you can extrapolate this problem from the—here on. I don’t have to go into it. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, yeah. Luckily, Elizabeth Warren’s got a plan for all that. So, anyway. Uh, they split up and they’re—they’re dungeon crawling. Uh, they’re all getting haunted and attacked. Burke gets bitten in the face by a demon ghost snake.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Uh, and Irene almost drowns. But she pulls a little bit of a nun-sense of her own.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Mm-hm. Stuart: Uh-huh.
elliott
									
While she’s—she pretends that she’s dead so that the demon will lift her up out of the water to check her work, because the demon loves strangling, and when she does that, she spits a mouthful of Christ’s blood right into Valek’s— [Stuart laughs.] —demon nun face. Whoaaaa!
stuart
									
And Valek’s like, “I saw this in the movie Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight!” [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Uh, so he—she had, like, a sneak preview of it? ‘Cause this is 1952, remember, when this is happening.
stuart
									
Uh—yeah. I mean, I feel like time is, uh… time’s kind of like an artificial construct for a demon like Valek? So Valek exists at all points in all times?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Ahhh, I see. Okay. That makes sense. So, uh— Stuart: So it’s probably already seen Demon Knight. And by that—
stuart
									
—I mean probably hasn’t yet seen Demon Knight. It’s—it’s—it’s complicated.
dan
									
Yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
I’ll—I’ll draw you a map. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
I want—yeah, I wanna—I wanna see your work on this one. Uh, so, uh, Valek is like, “Noo! Bleh! Bleh!” and is, like, crumbling to little pieces and gets dragged back to hell, and Irene looks like she’s drowned but then Frenchie gives her mouth-to-mouth and saves her. Uh—I forgot to mention, uh, Frenchie gets his, uh—there’s a part earlier where you think Frenchie gets killed by Valek? But that’s only after Frenchie gets his badass catchphrase moment, where the demon is like, “You should’ve stayed away, Frenchman!” And he goes, “I’m French-Canadian.” And then, what, shoots her with a, right, shotgun or something?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. That is an important—that is an important—oh, yeah. Yeah. My home theater that you’re talking about. Stuart: I mean, it’s crazy ‘cause that’s when—Dan and I were in the—we were in the theater, right? And we were—we were sharing this giant tub of popcorn— Elliott: Dan’s—
stuart
									
—and when that happened, Dan threw the popcorn bucket in the air. And I’m like, “Dan! I want—I was eating that!”
dan
									
Yeah. Well— [Laughs, then coughs.]
elliott
									
When he gets so excited about it.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dan: [Coughs.] Well, uh—
dan
									
A Nazi monkey had poured some poison in it? [Elliott laughs.] So I—that was actually why I —[laughs]—kept you from eating any more. But—
stuart
									
I didn’t realize the Nazi, uh— [Dan laughs.] —the—the monkey was a Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark. [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] Yeah, then let—I mean— Elliott: I mean, he does salute, right?
dan
									
He’s working for the Nazis.
stuart
									
Yeahhh.
dan
									
I don’t—I mean, I think as a monkey probably does not have a moral sense about what he’s signed up for. To support.
elliott
									
Because as you know, monkeys didn’t eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, as Adam and Eve did.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Elliott: We went over this Dan. Please stop proselytizing. Stuart: Stop preaching, Dan.
dan
									
I just want to say that if someone told me that they weren’t French, they were French-Canadian, I would be more scared of them than before.
stuart
									
Yeah?
dan
									
Like, I do think that that’s accurate.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Elliott: Okay. Interesting.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Lotta tough French-Canadians out there. It’s just—you know—they’re all— Elliott: What is it about French-Canadians that scares you so much? That they’re all lumberjacks?
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah, they’re all lumberjacks. Every single one of them.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Every—every—all of them. Stuart: Or—or—or hockey players!
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
I mean, what’s a hockey player but a lumberjack on ice?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: To be honest. [Dan laughs.] Stuart: That’s—that’s actually true.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Put it—let’s put it on a t-shirt and sell it in Canada! [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
I think—you could do it—it’s a Venn diagram and one says hockey players and one says lumberjacks and it almost totally overlaps.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Mm-hm. Dan: Um.. we’re—we’re very close to the end. Elliott: Okay. So the next morning—
elliott
									
—they leave. I don’t know why they didn’t leave that night. The problem’s taken care of, but I guess they wanted to spend another night in this creepy old abbey.
dan
									
Mm-hm.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh—and— Stuart: I think—
stuart
									
I think we’ve covered that, like, when you gotta—for these characters, when you gotta catch some Z’s, you gotta do it!  [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I guess so. Stuart: Doesn’t matter if you’ve just been buried alive and found a bunch of demon books. Dan: Again, like—
dan
									
Again, they gotta get those HPs back.
stuart
									
Yeah, I—thank you, Dan!
dan
									
There’s a rest period.
stuart
									
Thank you for speaking in my language!  [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Finally, Dan understands Stuart’s religion!
dan
									
 [Through laughter] Yeah!
stuart
									
And the problem is that normally, uh—normally when you, uh, rest and heal all your HPs back, then all the enemies in the area respawn. But—haha! You’ve already defeated the boss so you don’t have to worry about that. It’s fine.
elliott
									
So, uh—so I guess they’re also reburying all the nuns that night. Right? Like they’re re-consecrating the ground of the abbey?
dan
									
[Disgustedly.] Ugh.
elliott
									
Uh, the next morning they leave—
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
—and everyone’s like, oh, this is great! We’re all gonna go now! But—uh-oh—what’s that on the back of Frenchie’s neck?! [Inhales sharply.] It’s an upside-down cross! Looks like Valek did find its host! [Flatly yelling.] Ahhhh! Ahhhh! And then suddenly—and this was the strangest thing—it’s—this—again, to tie it in with the rest of The Conjuring, uh, universe—it says “20 Years Later” and—I—it’s the investigators from The Conjuring, right? They’re giving, like, a presentation at a college?
stuart
									
Yes.
elliott
									
Or is it a local community center? And they’re like, oh yeah! Well, we dealt with the, uh, exorcism of this guy—this guy Maurice, who’s a French-Canadian who got possessed. And it’s like—so we dealt with that. And I was—and not having seen the other Conjuring movies I was like, so is he in the other Conjuring movies? Or is that—like, they treat it as if this is—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Like, a major thing. Stuart: I feel like—for some reason—
stuart
									
—it—it feels like—I mean, I don’t remember the first Conj—Conjuring that well, but there’s a chance that this, like, this footage was used in the beginning of the first Conjuring movie.
dan
									
Yeah, there’s a chance. I don’t know—I—I did not care enough, to be honest, to really, like, un—unspool this ball of yarn? But I think that this is meant to go directly into the beginning of either the original Conjuring or Conjuring 2 and it—it being like, this is how they come to know of, like… some supernatural thing that needs to be taken care of.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Of Valek, right? Dan: Is through this exorcism. Yeah. Elliott: I—
stuart
									
‘Cause Valek’s—shows up later in the series.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
So it’s like—Valek—this is when they finally—when Harry met Valek?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Dan: Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: When they were dealing with—with the French-Canadian guy? Dan: I mean—
dan
									
This is a—an epilogue that is total nonsense [Through laughter] if you haven’t seen other Conjuring films. You’re like, wow, what a weird way to end a movie! [Stuart laughs.] Where you’re like, one character rides off and then we flash forward to 20 years where he gets exorcised of the demon. We saw that it was in him. The end.
stuart
									
Yeah, and I do like how it does that thing where it like—they do the reveal. They’re like, [dramatically] “They called him Frenchie!” And then the camera, like—the—the film pauses for a second? And then it, like, slowly fades to black in, like, a classic horror movie sort of way.
dan
									
Yeah. Uh—
elliott
									
Yeah. ‘Cause they’re—they’re bringing it all together finally.
stuart
									
Uh—yeah. So—some—some stray thoughts here. Now, there was a great moment in the movie where… when they find the relic, uh… and they’re like, “This is the blood of Jesus Christ!” And Frenchie goes, “Holy shit!” And Father Burke, of course, says, “The holiest.”  [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. That was—I mean—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It—he is—implicitly— Stuart: There’s moments when—
elliott
									
—calling Jesus’s blood shit, which I assume would be heresy.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: But it’s a funny moment. Stuart: I mean, there’s—
stuart
									
There’s definitely moments in this movie where I’m like… they want it to be silly and wacky. Like, it’s not a super serious horror movie. Um, and I think—I think those points are fun. But I wish it—I dunno. I wish it—I guess we’re going into final judgments territory.
dan
									
Yeah. Let’s do final judgments as it get—oh wait. Is this movie totally… scare-ifying? Or is it totally… snore-ifying?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Or is it frighteningly funny?
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Uh, so yeah. I guess—I guess I’m—I’m saying—I’m gonna—I’m gonna say this one’s snore-ifying. I mean, I like it when, uh, possessed kid ghosts barf out snakes that come chasing people around. But it d—like, it just—it—it is, just, like, a collection of jump scares. Uh, I liked—I mean, I like the performances from the leads, but it—there’s just not that much going on here. There’s nothing really to, uh… like… I feel like there’s nothing—the movie, other than jump scares, the movie doesn’t actually ground itself in anything that’s really that scary? Uh, it d—the characters are fairly thin, and they don’t have anything… I dunno. Like, it’s—there’s nothing—there’s nothing deeper than the immediate going on in this movie.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. I— Elliott: It—it—
elliott
									
Yeah. It feels—it feels like they—they, uh, they took a movie—they took what should’ve been, like, the B-subplot of a sequel? Like, this flashback parallel line? And tried to make it into its own movie and it—they just don’t have enough movie there. Not enough movie!
dan
									
Yeah. I—I—y’know, the movie looks pretty good? And I think Taissa Farmiga in particular, I liked her performance. But in general, I was just bored. I kinda wanted it either to be more of, like, a slow-burn horror movie that focused on creeping you out? Or more of, just like… wacky, like, we’re gonna throw all kinds of scares at you.
stuart
									
Tons—tons more Frenchie. Tons more scenes where our leads—when hiring Frenchie to take them to the abbey—accidentally put their bags on a truck that is not Frenchie’s, and it drives away. And Frenchie is, like, has a mule cart and he laughs at them and he calls for the truck to stop. And eagle-eyed viewers will spot that the license plate on that truck says “Valek” on it. As if Valek himself— [Elliott and Dan laugh.] —was trying to steal their luggage!
elliott
									
Is that—is that what he’s in it for? The whole time? Is Valek’s just trying to steal people’s things?
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Stuart: He’s like— Elliott: So what’s the best—
elliott
									
—way to steal someone’s things? To become them! By inhabiting their body! ‘Cause then it’s your things!
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Yep.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh… possession— Elliott: So yeah, I’m gonna go with you guys—
dan
									
—is 9/10s of the law!  [Stuart laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Ohhhh! Stuart: [Through laughter] Oh shiiiit!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: That would’ve been a great tagline! Dan: Oh, boy. [Clears throat.]
elliott
									
Yeah. If it was—if it was called—if it was called Exorcist Cop.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.  [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
It was “Possession is 9/10s of the law”—I’d watch that movie! Sure!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So snore-ifying. So we’re all gonna say snore-ifying? Dan: Yeah. Three snore-ifyings.
elliott
									
Okay.
dan
									
I’m glad you finally caught on to my arcane system of measurement.
music
									
[Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.]
promo
									
Music: Fun, jaunty, upbeat music. Renee: Well, Alexis, we got big news. Alexis: Uh-oh. Renee: Season one? Done. Alexis: It's over. Renee: Season two? Coming at you hot! Three years after— [Both laugh.] Alexis: Three and a half. Three and a half. Renee: —our season one. Alexis: Technically almost four years. Renee: Alright. Alright. And now it—listen! Alexis: Hm? Renee: Here at Can I Pet Your Dog?, the— Alexis: Yes. Renee: —smash hit podcast, our seasons run for three and a half years.  [Alexis laughs.]  And then in season two, we come at you with new, hot cohosts. Named you. Alexis: Hi, I'm Alexis. [Both laugh.] Renee: [Laughing] We also have, uh, future of dog tech! Alexis: Yeah! Renee: Dog news! Alexis: Dog news? Renee: Celebrity guests. Alexis: Oh, big shots! Renee: Will not let them talk about their resume. Alexis: Nope! Only their dogs! Renee: Yeahhh, only the dogs! I mean, if ever you were gonna get into Can I Pet Your Dog?— Alexis: Now is the time. Renee: Get in here! Every Tuesday at MaximumFun.org.
promo
									
[A telephone rings.] Hotshot Hollywood Producer: Listen, I’m a hotshot Hollywood movie producer. Music: Fun, grooving music begins to play quietly in the background. Producer: You have until I finish my glass of [articulating] kom-bu-cha to pitch me your idea. Go. [Slurping sounds.] Ify: Alright! It’s called Who Shot Ya: a movie podcast that isn’t just a bunch of straight, white dudes. I’m Ify Nwadiwe, the new host of the show and a certified BBN. Producer: BBN? Ify: Buff Black Nerd. Alonso: I’m Alonso Duralde, an elderly gay and legit film critic who wrote a book on Christmas movies. Drea: I’m Drea Clark, a loud, white lady from Minnesota. Ify: Each week, we talk about a new movie in theaters and all the important issues going on in the film industry. Alonso: It’s like Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner meets Cruising. Ify: And if it helps seal the deal? I can flex my muscles while we record each episode. Producer: I’m sorry, this is a podcast?! I’m a movie producer. [Disdainfully] How did you get in here? Drea: Ify, quick! Start flexing! Ify: [Dramatically] Bicep! Lats! Chest! Who Shot Ya, dropping every Friday on MaximumFun.org, or wherever you listen to podcasts. [Music ends.]
dan
									
[Laughs.] And now on—[breaks off, laughing.]  [Through laughter] To ads!
stuart
									
Why are you pausing so much?  [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] And now on—[breaks off, laughing.] [Through heavy laughter] Hold—Hold on. Hold on. Elliott: I don’t know what—I don’t know what you expected me to say about that. Stuart: He’s like—pause—pause for audience laughter. Dan: [Still laughing.] Hold—hold on.
elliott
									
Is that where you’re gonna put the beep so people know where to turn their page in the readaloud version of this?
dan
									
[Announcer voice] And now on—to ads!
stuart
									
Oh, cool.
dan
									
Squa— [through laughter] Flop House is [regular voice] sponsored in part by Squarespace. A dream is just a great idea that doesn’t have a website yet. Make it a reality with Squarespace! Uh, create a beautiful website to showcase your work! Log or publish content! Sell products and services of all kinds, or whatever else you may want a website for! Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful, customizable, mobile-optimized templates created by world-class designers; built-in Search Engine Optimization and analytics to help you grow 24-7; award-winning customer support! Check out squarespace.com/flop for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code “Flop” to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
stuart
									
Yeah, so I liked, uh—I liked the—the energy on that read. Uh—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh-huh. Elliott: Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
stuart
									
Maybe, uh, maybe 10% energy—more energy—and then, like, a little bit—‘cause it’s—obviously, this is Shocktober.
dan
									
Uh-huh.
stuart
									
Maybe, uh, like 5% more Dracula.
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. Like, maybe you coulda called it “Scare-space” at some point.
dan
									
Okay.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
crosstalk
									
Stuart and Dan: Um.
dan
									
Should I—try the next one with 5% more Dracula?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, and—and 10% more energy, like Dracula got hit by a—like—or he like, just— Dan: I feel like that’s a—that’s a—[laughs.] Okay. Elliott: Like, Dracula—
elliott
									
Dracula—uh, took the blood of someone who’s on a coke high right now.
dan
									
Yeah. I’ve gotta tell you right off the bat, that 5% is a very hard [through laughter] amount of Dracula to add. [Stuart and Elliott laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: But just a little touch of Dracula! Just a little touch! Stuart: ‘Cause if you put Dracula—
elliott
									
—into anything it tends to take over the whole—[through laughter] the whole thing! [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah, it dominates.
dan
									
So I’m gonna—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah, that’s the challenge! That’s the challenge of Dracula! Dan: Uh-huh. Yeah. Stuart: Like, like, like—it’s like with smoke.
dan
									
[Adopting a vaguely Bela Lugosi’s Dracula accent, but not quite as thick] Hello, Fresh! Do not wait—sorry, no. That’s a— [Stuart laughs.] —that’s a—that’s the copy telling me not what to do. Sorry. I’m so into this idea of trying to Dracu—Dracular-ize it. Um.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Yeah.
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
Just a little bit of Drac! Just Drac it up 5%! Like Stuart said, just a little bit!
dan
									
Mm-kay. [Dracula accent again] The Flop House is brought to you in part by HelloFresh. Uh, HelloFresh makes cooking delicious meals at home a reality! [Stuart chuckles.] Regardless of your comfort in the kitchen! From step-by-step recipes to pre-measured ingredients, you’ll have [through laughter] everything you need to get a wow-worthy dinner on the table in just about 30 minutes. Easily change your delivery days, food preferences, and skip a week whenever you need. But—when you’re making your HelloFresh, never drink wine!
stuart
									
[Laughs.] Uh-huh.
dan
									
[Through laughter] For a total of 80—[breaks off, laughing.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Wait, what—what—it’s not that he— Dan: [Through laughter] For a total—[breaks off, laughing.]
elliott
									
It’s not that he hates wine. Or—is that—or unless that’s part of the copy? It’s like he—
elliott
									
He serves wine to other people.
dan
									
Alright.  [Coughs.]
elliott
									
He just doesn’t drink it.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And now—now that we’re— Dan: Never yourself—
dan
									
—if you’re me, drink wine! Except for 95% of the time! Because I’m only 5% Dracula. For a total of $80 off your first month—[breaks off, laughing.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Wait, so—so 95% of what he drinks is wine? And 5% is blood? Like, no water, no soda? It’s just wine? [Dan continues laughing.] Like, that’s a problem. This guy has a problem, Dan.
dan
									
[Through laughter] For a total—
elliott
									
Is this Johnny Depp? You’re being Johnny Depp right now.
dan
									
[Through laughter] For a total of $80 off [regular voice] your first month—that’s $20 off your first four boxes—visit HelloFresh.com/flop80 and enter promo code FLOP80. That’s HellFresh.com/flop—flop80, promo code FLOP80, for a total of $80 off your first month! That last paragraph had the number 80 in it several times. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh, y’know—
elliott
									
Which—I—Dan—wrong vampire, Dan! That’s the Count! [Dan coughs.] Not Dracula! The Count would be interested in that.
stuart
									
Yeah, when—when I saw—when I saw that ad read, uh, car approaching the, uh, the curve of wow-worthy— [Elliott laughs.] I was not expecting you to handle it as well as you did, Dan! Well done!
dan
									
Thank you.
elliott
									
Yeah. No. I think—that was—I’m gonna give you a—a solid B+ on that.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Wow. Thank you. Stuart: Wow. B+.
stuart
									
You can put that on the—on your fridge! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Hey, there are no other—there are not any other formal advertisements, but I—I do wanna do a quick favor for a former Flop House guest co-host.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh, okay. Dan: Uh, Frank Lesser—
dan
									
—who did, uh, I believe Next—the episode Next—
stuart
									
Oh, wow.
dan
									
And maybe one other. Uh, former Colbert writer, has a new thing out on IMDB titled “You’re not a monster!” It’s a cartoon—
elliott
									
A new “thing”?
dan
									
It’s a new cartoon.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Out— Elliott: Oh, okay.
dan
									
Out on IMDB, called You’re Not a Monster about a therapist for monsters. It has a lot of big names involved so I don’t know why he wanted me to mention it, ‘cause what can I do, but—it stars Eric Stonestreet, Kelsey Grammer, and Aparna Nancherla as the—
elliott
									
[Correcting Dan’s pronunciation] Aparna Nancherla.
dan
									
The um…yeah, I knew I was gonna fuck it up. I mean, I—she’s hilarious, but I’ve—I—I—am—have bad tongue. Uh, for talking. And, um— [Coughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
To find—to—to—for the next stage of your quest, you’ll need the help of Daniel Badtongue. [Laughs.]  [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
And it has—
elliott
									
He’s a—he’s a bard in a far-off village! I don’t know why he’s a bard; his tongue is bad.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
dan
									
And it has guests, uh, like Ellie Kemper, Patton Oswalt, Amber Ruffin, and Amy Sedaris. Great cast, obviously.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, it sounds good. Dan: So check out—
dan
									
—You’re Not a Monster. And now, you’ve called in your chit, Frank Lesser!
stuart
									
Wow. His marker.
dan
									
[Dramatically] Come to me no more! [Long pause.] Uh—
elliott
									
But you like the show. Right?
dan
									
No, it’s good. [Laughs.] It’s good—it’s good show. [Elliott laughs.] He’s funny. These are all funny people. Why wouldn’t—
elliott
									
Uh, so, I should mention, uh, there’s—this is coming out—I think this episode is, what, being released on Saturday, October 12th?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, so we’re— Dan: Mm-hm.
stuart
									
—gonna be in, uh, La-La Land, right?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Ohhh! Elliott: We’re in—
elliott
									
—Los Angeles today! If you’re hearing this episode the day it is released, we are in Los Angeles tonight at the Regent Theatre at 7pm.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Uh, I don’t know if there’s gonna be tickets left available by then, but it’s worth trying. Uh, so—maybe they’ll be some left. The Regent Theatre. We’re gonna be talking about Dark Phoenix, the movie that killed the X-Men series.
stuart
									
Noooo.
elliott
									
For now. Um—
dan
									
Now, it is my understanding—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
—Elliott, that the, uh… the people in LA are often, um… uh… uh, walk up at the door and buy ticket types. They like to put things off because it’s just a lot of driving around in cars maybe? They don’t necessarily wanna know until the day whether they’re coming? Uh, I know you’re trying to create a sense of scarcity by saying “I don’t know if there are gonna be tickets left,” but I do not—I also do not want to discourage anyone who, last-minute, wants to take a shot at coming to the show. Because, uh… I hope we can get everyone in.
stuart
									
Uh, okay. So—so Dan’s—you’re—you’re—you’re hat in hand, on your knees. [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, well, I mean—we’re— Stuart: Begging, come, please! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
We’re trying two different—and opposing sales techniques.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
You know. I’m the—I’m the good cop to Elliott’s bad cop. In this.
elliott
									
Uh, I think I would—I would call good salesman to your bad salesman.
dan
									
Okay.
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Well I just—I don’t wanna discourage, you know, possible sales. That’s all.
stuart
									
Yeah. Is this, uh, is this your audition for a sales job? A sales position?
dan
									
I—
stuart
									
I mean, I guess you do ad reads for every, uh, every time we do one of these shows and, I mean, they’re great.
elliott
									
Yeah, you do a good job. People love ‘em.
stuart
									
Wow-worthy, I would describe them. [Dan laughs.] Um, so we—[laughs]—we, uh… so yeah. So we’re doing a show in Los Angeles. If you come up and ask Dan a riddle and stump him—
dan
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh… he will take his picture with you. And then you will— [Elliott laughs.] Dan: I’ll give you—[laughs.] [Through laughter] Okay. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
—have his soul.
elliott
									
To be fair, though, Dan is very good with riddles. So really challenge him.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Boy.
elliott
									
You gotta give him a—a—like, a Samson-level riddle.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Oh. Shit. About, like, honey in—in—
stuart
									
What?
crosstalk
									
Dan: —lions and stuff? Stuart: Oh, okay. He said “honey.” Elliott: Yeah. So.
elliott
									
So that’s today, the day this episode comes out, in downtown Los Angeles. Come down and see the show! It’s gonna be fun. It’s 7 PM. Dark Phoenix.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Uh—
elliott
									
So Dan, what do we do next on this show?
dan
									
Well next, we’re gonna answer a few letters or—or—or read them, if there is nothing to answer. From listeners. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I don’t wanna— [Laughs.] I don’t wanna— Elliott: Glad you covered all our basss on that one, Dan.
dan
									
—I don’t wanna hem us in. I don’t wanna—I don’t wanna be the victim of a class-action lawsuit of all the listeners who are like, I thought you were just gonna answer questions.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Not read letters. Stuart: And listeners at home—I want—
stuart
									
I want to add—I want to pull the curtain back a little bit. Elliott’s been, uh… Skyping with us, and moving— [Dan laughs.] —his phone a lot.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And it is—it is crazy. [Laughs.] Dan: [Through laughter] He keeps walking around the room. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Doing something.
elliott
									
Well, to—I had to—I had to plu—make sure to plug my phone in.
dan
									
Ah.
elliott
									
‘Cause I thought I had enough battery for the whole session—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
I didn’t.
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
I’m use—Skyping on my phone because I had an issue with my Zoom recorder that I’m still working on—
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
—And so I’m using my computer as a backup recording device, and so, in order so that I don’t have problems with Audacity—the recording program I—on my computer—I am Skyping on the phone instead of on the computer.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean, I don’t—I don’t think it really— Elliott: So we pulled back the curtain on the least interesting thing on this podcast. Dan: Yeah. So I talked about it. Stuart: Well, you—you made it less interesting. Dan: Yeah, you did. Stuart: I was assuming it was crazy. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. But all—also, uh—apologies to listeners if any, like, fumblings or rumblings are, uh, audible. That’s—
stuart
									
Or if Dan and Stuart seem confused by— [Dan laughs.] —the way the camera is spinning out of control. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Guys, I think—uh, I hired Darren Aronofsky— [Dan laughs.] —to shoot my Skype conversation, and I—if you’re not ready for that kind of high-intensity camerawork— [Dan and Stuart laugh.] —then that’s your problem.
stuart
									
It’s like—it’s like Elliott’s stem, uh, chip is kicked in and he’s about [through laughter] to battle some dudes.
dan
									
Uh—[laughs]—alright. So that’s great. Um, letters. This first one is from Adam, last name withheld.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Who writes— Elliott: Who ruins everything, sure.
stuart
									
Let’s see if he ruins our podcast!
dan
									
“Dear Peaches, you’ve seen a lot of bad, bad movies that are bad in part because they fail to take advantage of the medium, or because of lackluster acting and/or poor directorial choices. Which Flop House movie do you think failed as a film, but whose story could be turned into a legitimate good work of written fiction? Yours in Flopitude, Adam, last name withheld.”
dan
									
I—I—you know—I—I think we go to this well a lot for this kind of, uh, question, actually? But—for whatever reason—but I think maybe The Odd Life of Timothy Green could be turned into a fairly… interesting, like, offbeat, young adult fantasy book. I mean, just a—y’know, like, it—it—
elliott
									
Like an Animorph! Type thing.
stuart
									
Are you just trying to get back in, uh, Lin-Manuel Miranda’s good graces?
dan
									
Uh… yeah. That—I could be. [Stuart laughs.] MBMBAM is coming to Brooklyn and there’s always the off-chance [through laughter] I could run into him!
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Uh, I dunno. Um… but I feel like there’s something about that, like, the whimsy of it, I feel like, would go better down on the page. Somehow.
stuart
									
I think you’re probably right. I—y’know, I’m gonna—I’m gonna… go on a limb here, but I think—I think there’s something about those Fifty Shades of Grey movies, right? [Dan laughs.] They could— [Elliott laughs.] —they could make some hot books!
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Think about it.
dan
									
Some hot, really poorly-written books, maybe!
stuart
									
I don’t—I don’t know why you’d say that. [Dan laughs.] I mean… Uh… or—
elliott
									
I’m—I’m gonna—
stuart
									
I’m—I feel like I’m also—I’m—I have another one that isn’t a joke, guys.
dan
									
Okay.
stuart
									
‘Cause that—that last one was a joke. And I—
dan
									
Oh!
stuart
									
—I could tell by your—your— [Dan laughs.] —large reactions—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Bemused expressions? [Laughs.] Stuart: That you really—
stuart
									
—enjoyed it. Uh… [Laughs.] Y’know, uh, you try a bunch—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —and uh— Elliott: Wait, hold on. Wait, hold on.
elliott
									
Hold on. Hold on. Wait. [Laughs wildly.]
dan
									
Yesss! [Dan laughs at length.]
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
He did it! The perfect joke! [Stuart laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah, I did. It was—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: That was perfect. Elliott: Somebody stop him! [Stuart and Dan laugh.]
elliott
									
He’s smoking! Smoking!
stuart
									
No, no, no. The Mask’s—The Mask’s lawyers are gonna come after us.  [Dan laughs.] Uh… I was gonna say—although I think this, uh—I think—
elliott
									
Boom goes the dynamite!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I think we— Elliott: Okay. Yep.
stuart
									
I think we kinda said that this one, uh, this movie actually kind of worked a bit. I think it would be—it would make a fun, uh, like a written paperback thrilled—was the Halle Berry movie Kidnap?
dan
									
Hmm.
elliott
									
Oh, yeah.
stuart
									
Where a mother and the aid of her, uh, very, uh, sensibly, uh, gas-powered [through laughter] uh, uh, SUV— [Dan mumbles something inaudible in the background; I can only make out the word “gas”]^ —manage—I don’t know what I was fucking—  [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —trying to say. Elliott: Yeah. It was a—it was a—
elliott
									
—Town & Country, right?
stuart
									
Yeah. Uh, her SUV and her [inaudible] thwart, uh, kidnappers. And it’s great and I think it would make a fun, uh, paperback book.
dan
									
Mm-kay.
elliott
									
Uh, I think—this is gonna sound weird—but I think The Book of Henry—if it was a French or Japanese comic—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And had some changes, I think could’ve worked. I think it being from another country would have made some of the strange things about it that were off-putting seem quirky and—and, and, and fun? And I think if it was in a comic book form, and we weren’t watching actual human beings try to be these characters?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Then, uh—then they might have been more viable. More believable.
stuart
									
So would it just be called Henry then, instead of The Book of Henry? And if it was French, would it just be called [French pronunciation] Henri?
elliott
									
Look, that’s up to whoever decides to do it! Mobius, I guess. [Elliott laughs.] [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Wow! Back from the grave! [Stuart repeatedly interrupts Dan with “uh-huh” and “yeah.”]
dan
									
Alright. So this is a interesting next letter that, uh—[clear throat] it’s good! ‘Cause, uh, it’ll—it’ll, uh, be a counterpoint to some of the other [through laughter] religious, uh, uh, content of, uh… [Dan and Stuart laugh.]
elliott
									
Dan! We already told you! We don’t wanna join!
dan
									
So this is from—[breaks off, laughing.] This is from Julie, last name withheld.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Julie Christie, okay.
dan
									
She writes: “My son is turning 13 soon. And as a bribe to study his Torah portion, I’ve promised him he can watch Deadpool once he ‘becomes a man.’”
elliott
									
Wow. Mazel tov. [Dan laughs.] What every—what every—what every Bar Mitzvah boy dreams of! Watching Deadpool. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] “What—what are other coming-of-age movies you can recommend?”
stuart
									
Wait, other? Coming-of-age?  [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] Well, that’s true. [Laughs.] Elliott: [Through laughter] Yeah, the implication is—
elliott
									
—that Deadpool is a coming-of-age movie? [Laughs.]
dan
									
What, uh, what—what are coming of age movies you can recommend? Let’s put it that way, then.
stuart
									
Okay.
dan
									
“Bonus points if it’s something he can watch with his mom. Extra bonus points if any nerd characters aren’t coded as Jewish.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart and Elliott: Ohhhhh.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh—I do— Elliott: Tough. Stuart: Yikes.
dan
									
So wait. It is confusing to me—‘cause she does say other coming-of-age movies. So she may just be saying, what are some other movies that he can watch now that he has become a man—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Or he could be asking—she could asking— Elliott: I don’t know. “Other coming-of-age movies like Deadpool.”
elliott
									
So Deadpool 2, right of the bat. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Or she could be asking for, like—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Wait, that’s the—that’s the subtitle? Dan: —Stand By Me. So.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Deadpool 2: Right Off the Bat. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
So Dan, you’re gonna recommend, like, Cheeky or some shit. Right?
dan
									
No, no, I— [Elliott laughs.] I—I’m looking at this, uh—in this—at this question in such a different like—light now, ‘cause it’s clear to me now that we’re supposed to recommend things that may not have been appropriate as—for him as a child, but now that he is—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean— Dan: Bar Mitzvah’d—
stuart
									
I feel like—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So like—like Sallow? Stuart: My recommenda—
dan
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. I don’t know. That’s an older movie, right? I mean, old movies can get a pass. Right? 
crosstalk
									
Stuart: That’d be, like, PG— Elliott: I mean, I’ll say—like—
stuart
									
—in nowaday’s climate.
elliott
									
It would be what? [Laughs.]
stuart
									
It would be rated PG.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] PG. [Laughs.] That’s—there’s—some director was, like, “You couldn’t make Sallow today.” [Dan laughs.] Well, they could barely make it then! It’s horrifying!
dan
									
I guess you could watch the movie that brought me into manhood: Just One of the Guys. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
No. No. I—I feel like—I—maybe a mo—like, a movie like Stand By Me? Probably? Might be more what—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. I was—when I—when I was thinking— Elliott: She’s looking for, I’m guessing? Dan: I can’t—I’m not sure at this point whether it’s actual coming-of-age films that are—
stuart
									
—of coming-of-age movies, the two that popped into my head were, uh, Edge of Seventeen, uh, recent, uh—
crosstalk
									
Dan: It’s a very good movie. Stuart: —teen drama.
stuart
									
It’s great. Uh, the teenagers act like teenagers and they have, like, real, uh… real problems. And… I was gonna say Ginger Snaps, which is like my—one of my favorite horror coming-of-age stories, about two, uh, sisters who are dealing with getting older and also becoming—[laughs]—becoming a werewolf. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Laughs.] Ginger Snaps, great. I mean— Dan: The classic things.
elliott
									
Does—do you think, like, eighth grade falls into that type of—area or region?
dan
									
I—I guess?
elliott
									
Well what about, like—like, uh, like Breaking Away? I dunno.
dan
									
That’s a—that’s a blast from the past, huh? Breaking Away?
stuart
									
Wait, is that the—is that the one about, uh, bicycles?
dan
									
The bicycle one.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yes, the one about bicycles. Stuart: Is that the one that’s shot at—
stuart
									
—that’s the one in, uh, in Indiana, right?
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Cool.
dan
									
Alright. Anyway, that was— [Elliott laughs.] —Breaking Away talk. [Through laughter] Uh, I hope we answered your question! Anyway, moving on. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I feel like both of mine— Elliott: Coming-of-age movies. Uh—
dan
									
No, yours worked.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
I think—I want—I want this—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I want this listener to write in with a— Dan: All the best ones I can think of actually—
elliott
									
With a—
dan
									
Go on.
elliott
									
I want this writer to—to write in with a better—with a clarification of what they’re asking.
dan
									
Yeah. Per—perhaps. Uh…
elliott
									
Unless they’re just trying to get us to write a check for $18 to send to the Bar Mitzvah.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Nope! Not gonna fall for it!
dan
									
Uh, in conclusion, Ghost World. Moving on. Derek, last name withheld—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Asked this—
stuart
									
Yep.
dan
									
“Hello, Dan.”—parentheses—"(And Elliott and Stu.) Just wanted to say that I started listening to your podcast this last year during the—due to the credit of my office mate, Matt and I—” Oh, sorry. “Due to the credit of my office mate”—there should be a period there—“Matt and I—"
elliott
									
 [Laughs.] Wow. Thanks for writing into Dan McCoy, letter corrector.
dan
									
Look, I—y’know, if I’m gonna read it, I need—I—I—you know, it’s like a teleprompter. I’m gonna read whatever’s on there. [Laughs.] Uh— [Elliott laughs.] “Matt and I heard the—quote—‘interruption’ of Dan opening a package that ended up being a waterpik at the suggestion of his dentist.”
elliott
									
Yeah.
dan
									
“I actually just got the same—"
crosstalk
									
Dan: “—recommendation—”  [Coughs.] Elliott: It was—it was—it was—
elliott
									
—riveting radio.
elliott
									
“I got the same recommendation from the dentist myself, because I hate flossing and my gums could use it. So I was wondering if you could send me your impressions of it once you’ve gotten the hang of it a bit, so I could convince my wife I need to get one, too. Thank you very much, Derek—well, Derek, last name withheld.” First I have to say—Derek, your wife seems far more… concerned about your finances than your health. Right now.
stuart
									
Wow. Oof.
dan
									
I don’t know that you need to, like, convince her that your gum health is—is worth the money to get the waterpik.
elliott
									
So you’re saying this is kind of a Joan Cusack in Addams Family Values type situation.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Where she’s gonna try to murder him for his millions.
dan
									
Yeah. I wanna—I want you to look into this. Have you taken out any, y’know, life insurance policies recently?
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Or—or—tooth insurance!
dan
									
Y’know what? I—here’s the thing. Um, so—my, uh—uh—
stuart
									
The last time I went to a Best Buy and bought teeth, I w—they’re like, “Do you wanna get an insurance plan on this?” I’m like, I dunno, like, it feels like a scam, but what happens if my teeth just fall right out of my head? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: So I— Stuart: How much is it?
stuart
									
And they’re like, “Well, we don’t cover accidental damage” and I’m like, “But what other kinds of problems could my teeth have?” [Elliott laughs.] “Other than accidental damage?”
dan
									
So earlier in the— [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Really, they’re just selling you peace of mind, Stuart. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
So earlier in the—
elliott
									
The album. Peace of Mind. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Earlier in the day, uh, my ghoul-friend saw that I was gonna answer this question and she’s like, oh, I’ve got waterpik thoughts! But then she had to shower and leave the apartment. So she texted me just now—
elliott
									
Okay, so let’s—let’s—uncode that—unpack that Dan is bragging that he has a girlfriend who keeps clean. [Dan laughs.] And he is telling us how he did—he himself did not prepare anything for this letter.
dan
									
[Through laughter] No, she text—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh, certainly didn’t [inaudible.] Elliott: He decided to subcontract it out to his ghoul-friend— [Dan laughs and coughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] No, no! I didn’t subcontract it! Unbid—unbidden, she has texted me waterpik thoughts because she was upset that she did not get to express them earlier.
elliott
									
It’s also—it’s also—what it tells me also is that he talks to his ghoul—ghoulfriend about the questions for the show, and gives her much— [Dan laughs.] —more time to think of an answer than us—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —who were sent the questions a half-hour before recording. [Laughs.] Dan: [Through laughter] The equal—the equal amount of time. Equal amount of time. [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Uh, so she says, uh, “It’s good but it’s only better than regular flossing because it’s easier to do prop—use properly. A lot of people don’t floss right.”
elliott
									
That’s a big thing! That’s a big thing, though!
dan
									
Yeah. Why—why are you arguing with this text—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —from her? Elliott: No, that’s—
elliott
									
—that’s—it’s only—it’s only better because it does the job easier.
dan
									
Okay. Well. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
So that’s a—that’s a good answer!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Elliott: Okay. Continue.
dan
									
She—so if you’re good at flossing, it’s whatever. “Electric toothbrushes, on the other hand, there’s no way a human hand can replicate the speed of the electric toothbrush. So it’s way better.” All caps. “GOOD DENTAL HYGIENE IS KEY.” Especially because insurance hates covering it, and if you have shitty insurance, good fucking luck. So that’s—uh, her dental corner.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ghoul-friend’s dental issue [inaudible] Dan: A subset of our normal—[Laughs.]—our normal podcast. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Which I guess is a new regular segment on The Flop House!
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Next we’ll be talking about how it’s affected Dan’s bad breath, or… or good breath! Who knows.
elliott
									
Well, yeah, maybe it’s good breath! Yeah!
dan
									
Yeah. I don’t—I’ve got no idea. I can’t smell myself. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
[Dracula voice] As a—as a vampire, dental hygiene is very important! [Dan laughs.] I can’t bite into a neck if my teeth are not sharp! And strong. So I recommend—being a vampire! [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Now that’s what I call 100% Dracula.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Faintly] Yeah, wow. 100%! Elliott: Mm-hm.
dan
									
Yeah. You got a perfect score.
crosstalk
									
Dan: From the judges. [Laughs.] Stuart: Uh, now what do we do in the podcast? Other than this kind of fucking— Elliott: [Laughs.] From the Transylvanian Institute of Dracula Studies? [Laughs.]
dan
									
[Laughs.] Now, we, uh, recommend movies you should watch. Definitely instead of, uh, The Nun I would say.
stuart
									
You watch any movies lately, Dan?
dan
									
Um… [Elliott laughs.] Yeah, I have. I’m looking over—nothing—nothing in my letterbox has gotten more than 3-1/2 stars recently, but—
stuart
									
Yeah. Wow.
elliott
									
Okay. So—so should one of the other ones of us—
dan
									
No, no, no.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh—talk? [inaudible] Dan: [Talking loudly over the other two] No, no, no! No! No! No! Stuart: Yeah, let’s, uh, [inaudible], Dan, walk us through this process. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
No, I’ll—I will, uh, because it is Shocktober, I will give, uh… a 3-1/2 star recommendation to the Child’s Play remake, which was—
elliott
									
That’s—that’s right. Shocktober! The a—the era of [spooky voice] lowered expectations! OoOoO!
dan
									
[Through laughter] I mean, that—that kind of is how I enter most horror movies, even though I love them so much. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
That—it’s—I mean, that is true. Is that I love horror movies and yet every time I watch a new one I’m like… well this is probably gonna suck. [Dan laughs.] Or even an old one. And I don’t mean suck as a pun on Dracula, who of course sucks blood.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. [Laughs.] Stuart: I just got that! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
No, quickly, uh, Child’s Play remake is—it—it’s fun ‘cause it actually shoots off in like, a different… equally-wacky direction with the… the, uh, with the Chucky character not being a possessed, uh, doll of a—of the spirit of a serial killer that—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
—is [Through laughter] transformed by I think a voodoo ritual? I can’t remember.
stuart
									
Yep.
dan
									
Um, in this case it is— [Laughs.] —a malfunctioning doll that has at one point basically dominion over all other wired, uh, things around him. Uh… it’s—it’s—it does—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —this interesting— Elliott: So like John Belushi?
dan
									
I can see Stuart getting very upset about this, but like, it’s done with such wackiness? Like, there’s basically a scene in the beginning of the movie like the—that Simpsons thing? Where it’s like, oh, here’s your problem! The doll’s set to evil! [Elliott laughs.] Like, there’s a scene where he, like, turns off, like, the violence inhibitor at the factory? Like, a disgruntled [through laughter] like, worker?
crosstalk
									
Dan: So like that’s kinda— Elliott: Does he still have the voice of Brad Dourif?
dan
									
No, it’s Mark Hamill in this one.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, that’s—yeah. Elliott: Okay, that’s pretty good.
elliott
									
That’s pretty good.
dan
									
Anyway, it’s—it’s—it’s—it’s very goofy. It has—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: What if Brad Dourif played— Dan: —like—some surprisingly—
stuart
									
—Luke—Luke Skywalker?
crosstalk
									
Dan: It’s got— Elliott: I think it—
elliott
									
—would go a little something like this: “Hey, I’m Brad Dourif. I’m here to play Luke Skywalker.” [Dan and Stuart laugh as Elliott continues.] “Oh, thanks for coming, Brad! Here, pick up this lightsaber.” “What?! Light—what? What?!” “Oh, yeah, it’s one of these—it’s a kooky, crazy weapon from a kind outer-space, uh, fantasyland?” “What, from like, the future?” “No, actually, from like, a long time ago.” “This doesn’t make any sense. Well—well—show me my costume.” “It’s basically like a karate-gi and then you’re wearing, like, uh, legging pajama pants underneath it? Like, thermal underwear?” “What?! What—why—so I’m living—I’m living somewhere cold? That’s why I need thermal leggings?” “No, you’re actually on a desert planet. It’s very hot there.”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: “What?!” Dan: So this is—  [Laughs.] This is—
elliott
									
“This doesn’t make any sense! I’ve gotta talk to the director.” “Actually, I am the director. My name is George Lucas. What—huh? What?!”
dan
									
[Through laughter] “The director of American Graffiti?! What?!”
elliott
									
“But—you haven’t directed a science fiction film before!” “I did, actually. THX 1138. It was both a short and a feature film.” “What?! You’re telling me there’s George Lucas movies I haven’t seen?” “Well, maybe. I’ve only made, like, a couple movies. You could’ve seen them both, but maybe you’re a busy man.” “I’m very busy. Making a little movie called Wise Blood? Good day, sir!”
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Famously surprised actor, Brad Dourif. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Nobody does surprised like Brad Dourif.
crosstalk
									
Dan: No, I— Stuart: Yeah, that’s actually—  [Coughs.]
stuart
									
Uh, that’s what happened when they had him play Grima Wormtongue. Is he got so surprised his eyeballs just flew off his forehead. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Uh… just to tie off my recommendation—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, boy. Elliott: And then—and then— [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
—Dune came along and he was like— [Stuart laughs.]  I cannot blow off another science fiction blockbuster. That was a big mistake.
dan
									
Uh, just quickly— [Stuart laughs.] —to sum, up, uh, Child’s Play is goofy. It’s got gorier kills than I expected out of a big-budget reboot? If that’s your thing? And, uh…
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, it is. Dan: Aubrey Plaza—
dan
									
—and Brian Tyree Henry are in it. And they’re both good.
stuart
									
They’re also my thing.  [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. So, uh, that’s it.
stuart
									
Cool.
elliott
									
Stu, you wanna go or should I go?
stuart
									
Yeah, I guess! Uh, I am going to recommend a movie that, uh, I’m—I may have mentioned on the show before. Um… I’m gonna recommend one of those, uh, Netflix Original horror movies? Uh, this one is called… uh, The Velvet Buzzsaw or just Velvet Buzzsaw? Um, it is a movie set in LA’s, uh… busy and crazy art scene. Uh—  [Laughs.] And it has to do with evil, uh, evil art that kills people. And… it is… incredibly silly. Uh… Jake Gyllenhall and Toni Collette and a bunch of other folks, uh, give some really fun, wacky performances. It kind of feels like if somebody took, like, a late-period, like, late in the series Final Destination movie, or, like, Wishmaster movie, and… just cast it with a really good, uh, gave it a really good cast and had, uh, Dan Gilroy direct it. Um… and it’s really silly and there’s point—any time a character dies, I’m like… oh yeah! This is a horror movie! Because before that I was like— [Elliott laughs.] —oh, this is just a silly, weird movie!  [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh… and… yeah! I mean, it’s one of those things where if you’re looking for a—a serious horror movie, uh… y’know, serious with a capital frown, um… you probably won’t be happy with it. Um, or if you’re looking for, like, an actual, like… reasoned critique of the art world. Uh, you’ll also be disappointed. But, uh, if you’re looking for, like, a wacky time at the pictures! [Dan laughs.] Go over to your Netflix and queue up Velvet Buzzsaw.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Rene—Rene Russo’s in it, too! Elliott: I’m gonna recommend—
dan
									
Hm.
elliott
									
Uh, of course! She’s married to the director!
dan
									
Wow. That makes it sound like that’s the only reason that, uh—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: No, and she’s super talented! But like, you know. Like, he could get— Dan: —she was employed. Yeah, let’s just clarify—
dan
									
Let’s just clarify. I wanted to—  [Laughs.] —to—
elliott
									
I’m saying it’s—it’s more—it’s a show of how the director was able to land her for the movie.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yes. Stuart: Mm-hm.
dan
									
Alright.
elliott
									
‘Cause he landed her, if you know what I mean.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Weird. You’re being weird. Nat— Dan: Okay.  [Laughs.] You’re being—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Is this—is it—is it less weird— Stuart: Nope. Don’t do—
elliott
									
—if I [deep, suggestive voice] say it like this?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Nope. Don’t do— Dan: No—well—uh—
stuart
									
—that Brad Dourif thing with your eyebrows anymore, please. [Dan laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
What?!
stuart
									
That means you’re either growing them very long— [Dan laughs.] —or—or shearing them off. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
He’s very much an eyebrow-based actor. Uh—okay. Guys, I’m gonna recommend a movie about the scariest thing of all—colonial oppression! That’s right—it’s Emitaï! It’s a Senegalese movie from 1971, directed by the father of Senegalese sima—si—uh, cinema, Ousmane Sembène, and it’s the story of a village in Senegal during WWII, when, uh, the French were still the colonial occupiers of the country. And they are forcing the villages first to send them their men so that—their young men, so that they can serve in the war—and then to send them their rice harvest so that they can feed the soldiers. And this village decides that it’s going to resist; uh, the women of the village engage in a… kind of silent, unified resistance? While the men of the village spend all their time arguing about what they’re gonna do, and how they’re gonna do it and whether it’s right or not. And it’s this combination of… uh… it—it—is out of—it’s a movie on a deliberate pace. But it’s this combination of, like, this really beautiful, like, uh, color photography of Senegal, and also, uh, some real—a few very funny and a few very suspenseful scenes? But also, like… this is real Marxist filmmaking? In a way that I’m not used to seeing in American movies? Where it is very much about the unified effort of a community, the way that, uh, individualism can distort or make impossible those efforts, but also… really putting you in the—putting you in the place of a—an oppressed people in a colonial setting.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And… they only way that they can even try to escape—which inevitably is going to lead probably to tragedy, but, uh—is an attempt, at least, to stand up for themselves. And there’s one, uh—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —there’s a brave— Stuart: Kinda like, uh—
stuart
									
Kinda like McCabe & Mrs. Miller?
elliott
									
Uh… I mean, McCabe & Mrs. Miller in some ways is kinda the opposite of it. Because that’s about how two individuals can create a community?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And… this is much more about how a community, uh, unifies. Around something. Uh, and also how ladies get things done while men are jabbering on about what, uh, maybe I’ll do this! Maybe I’ll do this! Who’s gonna be the leader? I don’t know! Uh, but I thought it was really good, and it’s called Emitaï. And there’s one scene in it that I thought was really funny, where, uh… it’s during the time when, uh, Marshal Pétain? Has been replaced by Charles de Gaulle as the—as the official French leader, and this one, uh, Senegalese, uh, conscript is like—wait a minute. But Pétain was seven-star general, and de Gaulle is a two-star. Two-star can’t tell a seven-star what to do! This is crazy! Like, uh, just uh, showing how… crazy it is to be an empire in a way? Because this place that is so far away that the things that are happening in France are mostly irrelevant. Uh, it still has to deal with these issues and understand them when really they shouldn’t have to be involved in them at all. Anyway. I’m making it sound more complicated than it is. It’s called Emitaï. I liked it.
dan
									
Yayyy!
stuart
									
[Laughs.] Yay! And how does that movie fall into the Shock—oh, I guess you explained how it fits in the Shocktober theme.
elliott
									
Oh, the—the scariest thing of all: being oppressed by a colonial occupier!
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
‘Cause guys, look. A little doll that kills people?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Dan: Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Or like, uh… y’know, uh…
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Or a—or a painting.  [Laughs.] Elliott: An—an art that—
elliott
									
A painting that kills people? It’s not gonna oppress an entire country, y’know?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: No, you’re—you’re right!  [Through laughter] You’re right. You’re right. Elliott: I mean, come on. Actually—
elliott
									
To be honest, the body count in Emitaï is probably higher. Than either of those movies.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. So it fits into my description of a horror movie.  [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yup.
elliott
									
Well, there’s at least—there’s multiple deaths in it, so it is a horror movie! Yeah. There ya go.
stuart
									
Uh…
elliott
									
I mean, and there’s—there’s a scene where one of the characters literally argues with his gods, who argue back, so there’s kind of like a mystical scene. So, it’s kinda like The Nun, too?
stuart
									
Oh, wow.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So—The Nun—The Nun— Stuart: Like The Nun 2, the movie that’s—
stuart
									
—coming soon, because the first one did so much—was—did so well.
dan
									
So—
elliott
									
The Nun 2:  Emitaï. In which Valek, the demon, is in Senegal as, uh, a French oppressor.
dan
									
So I have a question, Elliott, and it’s about, um… the errand that you’re gonna do after, uh, this podcast. Part of the reason that we’re trying to keep things short—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Now—
elliott
									
So—so you’re both—you’re both bringing the audience in on something that is irrelevant to them—
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
elliott
									
—And also taking longer on the podcast recording that I would like to finish up-
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —Relatively soon. Since I have an—an appointment I have to run to. Yeah. Dan: Yeah. Exactly. No, I mean, this is—
dan
									
—This is the clo—this is to close things off a little. Um…
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
When your wife asked you what kind of bed you wanted, did you go—[confidently] Murphy!
elliott
									
So, allow me to explain— [Dan and Stuart break into laughter.] —the context of this remark. In order to conv—in order to turn our living room into more of a guest room area—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah.  [Laughs.] Stuart: Uh-huh.
elliott
									
—we are going to get a Murphy bed, or perhaps a cabinet bed. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Yeah.
elliott
									
A wall bed, you could call it. And so we are going to a place—I won’t say the name, ‘cause they have not paid me to advertise them, and I don’t know if I like their products yet—we are going to a place to look at and find out more about and try out different wall beds, or cabinet beds.
stuart
									
More Murphy beds.
elliott
									
Which are commonly called “Murphy beds.”
crosstalk
									
Dan: Mm-hm. Stuart: Yeah.
elliott
									
And so that is why Dan— [Dan giggles.] —in his RoboCop-based joke—decided to say that that’s how I said what kind of bed I wanted. Now again, this is all— [Dan laughs boisterously and at length.] —information that is irrelevant to the listener. It is prolonging the episode—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —at a time when we— Stuart: But you know—
elliott
									
—should just be coming to a close. It is putting—peeking into my private life and the way my home is laid out in a way I’m not comfortable with the audience knowing.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh—and—it— Stuart: I do—I do kinda like how—
stuart
									
—how Dan’s joke—I mean, we can call it a joke— [Dan laughs.] [Through laughter] How it, uh—how it—kind of—
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Let’s be charitable.
stuart
									
It kind of reminds the listener that, like, the way that movies can affect our everyday life, y’know?
dan
									
Mm-hm. I just wanted to say, uh… I’m pretty sure the listener loved what just happened. [Dan and Stuart laugh.]
elliott
									
[Laughs.] I mean, speaking for the listener, I think it was a combination of first confusion— [Dan laughs at length.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And then boredom.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And then ultimately, acceptance as they pass from this life into the nether-realm. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh, wow! [Dan sighs.]
dan
									
Well, let’s close—
stuart
									
So you’re suggesting they laugh so hard, they—like the weasels in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?—turned into little ghosts with, uh, harps and—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —floated up to heaven. Which is interesting— Dan: And—what—what better way— Elliott: Exactly. Yes. Exactly.
stuart
									
—‘cause that—does that mean that those weasels went to heaven?
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] Well, it’s not— Elliott: And that’s—well—
elliott
									
—that’s because the animated God, Walt Disney, is of course a forgiving God.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, okay. Elliott: That’s the—
elliott
									
—mystery—of his—of his forgiveness and his faith.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
In that all creatures of animation will ultimately be accepted into heaven, except for Horace Horsecollar. He knows what he did.
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Yeah.
dan
									
Well, you’re sure—certainly not making [through laughter] this podcast be shorter now, Elliott. [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs loudly.]
elliott
									
You know what? Actually, who would you put—if there was a—if there was a—you—Dan—this—you kicked this door open. Don’t be unhappy when I march right through it, following you.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I was trying to tie— Elliott: When you—when—
dan
									
—things off with ghost-weasels—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Look, when you—when you put—when—when—when— Dan: —which is a great way to end a Shocktober episode! Go on.
elliott
									
When we’re standing at a—when we’re standing at a restaurant table about to sit down and not wait anymore, and you point to a restaurant three miles away— [Stuart laughs.] —and say, no, let’s go there, follow me—don’t be mad when I do follow you! And we have to get to that restaurant, and I have to rethink what I’m gonna order!
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
So—so just—who—which animated characters do you think would be in hell? Cool Cat, for sure. Right? ‘Cause that guy’s a dick.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Well— Elliott: But who else?
dan
									
Yeah. Fritz the cat, too, obviously. If we’re gonna—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —stick them— Elliott: Probably.
elliott
									
A lotta cats.
dan
									
Cats.
elliott
									
Snagglepuss, of course, because of the sins of the flesh. Yeah. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Uh—I mean, I think obviously Jabberjaw will go straight to heaven. ‘Cause he forwent his, uh… his, y’know, desire to murder and eat teenagers to instead just start a band with them.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Elliott: We don’t know that!
elliott
									
Have you seen the Neptunes around lately?
dan
									
[Through laughter] That’s true! [Elliott laughs.] Uh—
stuart
									
Uh—yeah, I would imagine the, uh—the—the—what is it—it’s two young women who have to look after Captain Caveman, right? They’re probably going to heaven.
elliott
									
Oh, yeah.
stuart
									
Because of all their work dealing with their difficult Captain—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —Caveman friend. Dan: Yeah.
elliott
									
Oh, they’re going to heaven, but you have to assume that Captain Caveman—having been born at a time before Christ—uh, and not being able to accept him as his Savior, is gonna be in that—that area of hell set aside for noble pagans? ‘Cause it doesn’t get more—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —noble than Captain Caveman and he is a pagan. Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Dan—what did I—
stuart
									
Dan, what did I tell you about preaching to me?
dan
									
Captain—I mean— [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, wait— Dan: I wa—I mean I—
stuart
									
—that was Elliott! Weird!
dan
									
Obviously, Count Duckula, though—I mean, as nice as he seems to be, has cursed—is damned for all eternity as a vampire.
elliott
									
Oh, yeah. Well here’s the thing, though—Hot Stuff? The little devil? I think he’s going to heaven. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Oh. Well, uh—let’s—that’s all October-y stuff. Shocktober-y stuff, so let’s end there instead!  [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs loudly. Elliott laughs.] For the podcast, I’ve been Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
Y’know, I’ve been Stuart Wellington, and I’d also like to plug our network, Maximum Fun—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, yeah. Stuart: Where you—
stuart
									
—listen to this and there’s plenty of other great podcasts there. Some are Shocktober-ly, shum are not!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Shum are not.  [Laughs.] And— Stuart: Shum—shum are not!  [Laughs.] Elliott: [Through laughter] Shum are not, yep! According to Shumway, aka Alf!
dan
									
And—thanks to Jordan for editing the show.
elliott
									
And—Jordan Kauwling, you mean?
dan
									
Yes.
elliott
									
Okay. And, uh—yeah. Listen to Maximum Fun podcasts. Please tell people about The Flop House podcast. Write about us on, uh, Twitter or Instagram or Facebook or whatever. Review us on iTunes. Give us a good review. Give us a lot of good reviews. Yeah! The better reviews, the better! Yeah! And tell people about us. And thanks for listening! For The Flop House, I’ve been Dan McCoy—
dan
									
Uh—  [Laughs.]
stuart
									
[In goofy voice] I’ve been Elliott Kalan!
dan
									
And I’m Stuart Wellington? [Silly voice] Buh-bye! [Long pause.] That’s actually gonna confuse people who don’t know our names.
stuart
									
Yeah, that’s okay.
dan
									
And—we’re out. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
And over. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments plays in background.
dan
									
Alright. Everything is… coming up Flop House!
stuart
									
Hey, hey, hey, E-Man, what’s up?
elliott
									
Hey, S-Dude! Oh, y’know—just living.
crosstalk
									
Dan: “Stude.” Elliott: JK Living.
stuart
									
Loving and laughing?
elliott
									
Just living, loving, and laughing. You know, if you ain’t laughing you ain’t living, and if you ain’t loving then you’re not also living I guess.
crosstalk
									
Dan: And if you— Stuart: I—
dan
									
—love lemons, you’ll laugh loudly.
speaker 1
									
MaximumFun.org.
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
—Audience supported.
About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.
Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.