TRANSCRIPT The Flop House: Ep. 294: Love on a Leash

Transcript

dan mccoy
									
On this episode, we discuss: Love on a Leash!
stuart wellington
									
This romantic comedy is…for the dogs! [Laughs.]
elliott kalan
									
Ugh. Ugh! [All laugh.] Now I wish I’d said this movie is a real “cat-astrophe.” Damn. Okay. [More laughter.]
music
									
“The Flop House Theme Music”. Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth.
dan
									
Hey, everyone! And welcome to the Flop House! I’m Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
Oh! Hey there, it’s me_—_Stuart Wellington!
elliott
									
And it’s me_—_Elliott Kalan! Dan, you sound a little sick. What’s gotcha down?
dan
									
Uh…[laughs.] What’s got me down? Those are two different questions, but um…I mean, I guess what’s got me down is the fact that I’m a little sick!
elliott
									
Sorry, I didn’t mean to throw you a curveball so early in the show! [Stuart and Dan laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Dan_—Dan— Elliott: I apologize. I talk to you the way I would talk to another human being. When I instead should’ve talked to you the way I talk to a robot. So okay. Dan: No—No—I mean—_
elliott
									
Run.exe (diagnostic) WhyYouSick. You sick? Y/N. [Stuart laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah_—why—wait—wait, why am I sick? Well…uh, some sort of bacteria or virus is attacking my immune system. [Laughs.] Stuart: Uh-huh. Elliott: Okay. I apologize. Okay. Again, sorry. Let me—let me do this again. Stuart: He—he may—he may be down, but his temperature is up. Elliott: Okay. Okay. [Laughs.]_ run.exe Dan diagnostic program: Sick. You sick? Y/N?
dan
									
Uh, yeah. I’m sick. I uh…right before_—I don’t know if you guys have this experience. Like, I can feel myself getting sick? [Elliott giggles.]_
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. Dan: Like, right before the weekend, like, it just came upon me and I’m like, okay, well. This is happening. Elliott: Yeah. Just like how Elvis could_—_Elvis could feel his temperature rising. Yeah. Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Mm-hm.
dan
									
So… yeah. It’s been a slightly miserable, uh, weekend as I’ve been dealing with this. My throat hurts.
stuart
									
Yeah. Then the_—like, the camera movements and editing gets kinda jittery and fast and you, like, rush into your, uh, your bathroom and you’re like, knocking bottles of pills off of the sink, and you’re trying to hurriedly open up a package of Emergen-C? [Elliott laughs.]_
crosstalk
									
Dan: I_—I am not— [laughs]. Yeah, that’s right. Stuart: You’re like—“There’s still time!” [Laughs.]_
dan
									
I did, try, like all of the things that are supposed to shorten the length of a, you know, of a cold. Like zinc and some sort of, I don’t know…crazy, like, bullshit that doesn’t probably do anything. But uh…it_—_no, that seems to be working.
stuart
									
I can only imagine, uh, months down the road, when listeners have been listening to episodes and they’re like, “This was the start of Dan’s ten-month sickness.” [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs. Dan sounds less amused.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: It is true that once I_—_it is true that once I get a cough, it does not go away. So. Stuart: “His friends made light of it!” Mm-hm.
stuart
									
It just adds to your pre-existing cough? [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yes. But anyway. Elliott: Like the Chris Claremont X-Men plotline; it just continues in very short bursts for years. Dan: I_—I appreciate—despite the ribbing you gave me—I appreciate the concern over my health. Or perhaps you just wanted to explain it to the audience. Thank you. Elliott: Uh—yeah, I want you to—_no, no, but I want you to feel better, also. ‘Cause I care about you. Anyway, enough about Dan. Who cares about him?
elliott
									
What do we do on this podcast, Dan?
dan
									
Dan: Uh, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it. We are still in the throes of Septem_—Small…—_tember? Smalltember.
stuart
									
Stuart: What? Elliott: Small-vember. You’re thinking of the word “Smallvember.” Stuart: Smallvember, yeah. Uh-huh.
dan
									
[Laughs.] Okay. Uh, where we watch, uh, smaller movies that people may not have heard about, um, and—
stuart
									
This is_—this is our, uh, opportunity as giants among the influencer industry to punch down at smaller movies. [Laughs.]_
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. And in this case— Elliott: We’re punching so far down we might as well just kick. ‘Cause we’re gonna lose our balance if we keep trying to punch that low. Stuart: Mm-hm. Uh-huh.
dan
									
We went back a little further than we usually do for normal, non-, you know, contest winner episodes or guest episodes or anything like that. 
crosstalk
									
Stuart: ‘Cause normally we do, uh— Elliott: “The year was 1927. And all of America was excite_—had Lindy Fever! And this movie came out.” Right, Dan? Dan: [Through laughter]_ Not that far.
dan
									
No. It_—_eight years. It’s, uh, it’s, uh, a 2011 release.
elliott
									
“The year was 2011, and all of America had Lindy Fever. That’s right! A man had flown across the Atlantic Ocean_—by himself! That man? Lindy Lindburg, inventor of Lindburger cheese.” [Dan and Stuart both laugh.]_
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Well— Elliott: Now, you might say, “You mean Limburger cheese.” No. This is a different cheese. Lindburger. Cheese. Stuart: I’m_—I’m—I would say that, yeah. [Laughs.] Elliott: He took limburger cheese, carved his name into it, made it a new cheese. It’s called lindburger. [Dan and Stuart laugh.]_
stuart
									
Stuart: [narrator voice] “And that cheese inspired the catchphrase of one Steve Urkle: ‘Got any cheese?’”
crosstalk
									
Dan and Elliott: Mm-hm.
elliott
									
A lotta people don’t know that that catchphrase was a reference to lindburger cheese. It’s like those Looney Tunes cartoons where they reference things that people don’t remember anymore.
stuart
									
Yeah, they throw stuff in for the adults.
crosstalk
									
Elliott and Stuart: Yeah. Elliott: Now, here’s the thing about Steve Urkle. He had two catchphrases, when many Americans only have one catchphrase. Stuart and Dan: Or none! Elliott: I think Karl Marx would say_—_he had two catchphrases: “Did I do that?” and “Got any cheese?”
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Karl Marx would say no one should have two catchphrases until everybody has one catchphrase.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Uh-huh. That’s true.
stuart
									
And then the baby from Dinosaurs stole the show with also two catchphrases! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Do…do we have catchphrases, guys? Do we have catchphrases?
stuart
									
Uh…
elliott
									
Well, Stuart certainly does.
dan
									
Dan: What’s that? Stuart: Yeah. I got, like, a million of ‘em. Uh—
elliott
									
He’s got a million: “Ruh-row!” “Uh-ohhh,” lots of_—_you know.
dan
									
[Laughs.] Yeah. “Wait, what?”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: When he says— Stuart: There’s also, uh, I also do, “Did I do that?” and “Got any cheese?” [Laughs.]
dan
									
Dan: Mm-hm. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] No, I_—you’re mistaking yourself for one Steven Urkle. Uh, I can understand how you could make the mistake; you guys are almost total copies of each other. [Dan chuckles.]_
stuart
									
Yup.
elliott
									
But… anyway. So the point is_—_this movie’s a little older than we usually do. It comes from the year 2011.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
That’s right_—_the 21st century! The future!
stuart
									
Uh-huh. [Laughs.] Uh, uh-huh. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh, okay! And it’s on Amazon Prime, so why don’t you run over there, queue that shit up, and start watching. So, Love on a Leash.
elliott
									
That’s the amazing thing about this movie is, this movie is terrible_—let’s just say that—but also it is—_anyone who has Amazon Prime can watch it whenever they want!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Whereas there’s so many greats of the cinema which are unavailable for streaming. I guess that’s the future.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. I_—I think there’s, uh, I think there’s, what, like—a subcommittee that’s investigating Amazon’s practices of, uh, you know, like, monopoly and other kinds of shit like that? And I’m assuming they are—there’s also a subheading where they’re, like, [laughs]_ “Providing unlimited access to Love on a Leash.” [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs appreciatively.]
elliott
									
So Stu, tell us about this movie, Love on a Leash! Sounds great!
stuart
									
Okay. So…you fire this movie up_—_the poster, by the way, looks like a professional movie. It is not. Uh, we open with almost no production logos; right to business. Like, I like it. Image of: dog sitting on the rocks. This dog, a golden retriever. We then watch some additional footage of a dog walking around a park shot with a handheld camera; not out of place in a serial killer video or the Nine Inch Nails Broken movie. Uh, there is—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Now, when you say “serial killer video,” is that a video for serial killers to watch, or a video made by a serial killer? Stuart: When I say—
stuart
									
_—well, I think there, uh, the answer to that is both, Elliott, because a serial killer makes the video and then he watches it. He doesn’t just make it and stick it in his fuckin’ murder van like a maniac. [Elliott laughs quietly.]_ …Wait, he is a maniac. Okay.
elliott
									
Ohhh.
stuart
									
So, uh…and when I say that there is no sound, there is literally no sound. Multiple points in this movie, there is no audio whatsoever, which I’m assuming the_—the—the filmmaker views as a feature rather than a bug. So that occasionally, he would—uh—he or she—it’s a woman director—she—_
elliott
									
So “she.” It’s a woman director. Yeah. This is actually a_—_the was the feature film debut of director Fen Tian. She was 72 when she made it.
dan
									
And apparently this was her dream project for years and years and years. Uh, her biggest credit in Hollywood was that she was a_—_she played “Auntie #1” in The Joy Luck Club
elliott
									
Yeah. But she was_—_she was a graduate of uh, a number of, uh, Chinese arts and film academies, and this was the dream she had: Love on a Leash! So when you guys started the movie and there was no sound or music, did you, like me, think that your iPad or television had broken?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Dan: Well you_—you warned me, Elliott. [Elliott laughs.]_
dan
									
So I_—I—but I was still amazed, ‘cause I— [Elliott laughs.] —when you said, when you said no sound I didn’t think you meant, like, no sound at all. Like, a void. ‘Cause—_
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
dan
									
And there’s scenes where, like, even once the sound starts, people will talk and there will be sound for the talking, and then the sound will drop out entirely. And let me—
stuart
									
Yeah, like all ambient sound. And I_—as I was saying, I think that’s almost, like, a feature in this movie, ‘cause it’s, like…like, the filmmaker is assuming, “Oh, the audience is going to have lost interest and be looking at their phone and will have to look up when they think the—[laughs]—like, there’s something wrong with their TV all of a sudden.” [Elliott laughs.]_
dan
									
Yeah. I mean, I_—I—_
elliott
									
[Laughs.] It’s_—it’s—_not since the last episode of The Sopranos was I so sure that a creative choice was something going wrong with my cable.
dan
									
[Laughs.] I want to say, um, y’know, I_—a lot of people probably know this already if they’re listening to a film podcast, but for those who don’t, uh, a little filmmaking thing—_
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Uh, when you’re making a movie, you take something called “room tone”—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Which is just the sound of the ambient noises around you; the sound of the room, like—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
And you use that_—_you just lay down a base of that.
stuart
									
That’s uh_—_isn’t that “You’re Tearing Me Apart, Lisa”? Isn’t that the sound of The Room? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh…Anyway. Stuart: “What’s your name?” Dan: You_—you lay down a base— Elliott: Yeah, wasn’t the—wasn’t The Room Tones Tommy Wiseau’s band? Dan: Goddamn. Stuart: [Through laughter]_ Yeah.
dan
									
You lay down a base of that audio and it helps sort of…cover over these edits; it_—it provides the—like—_an audio, uh, consistency.
elliott
									
Well it_—it—because we—_and because we don’t live in a soundless void.
dan
									
Yes.
elliott
									
Even when there’s nothing going on, we still hear things. So to have_—to see a dog walking around, or as is used as a transitional shot, for some reason, ducks on a pond—_
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
_—_and have no sound whatsoever is a jarring experience.
dan
									
Yeah. Uh, to_—_to shift gears in such a dramatic way that they would grind and moan, I just want to say, uh, we have been trying to give some content warnings on these shows and I just recalled that I wanted to, later on, there is an attempted rape and an attempted suicide, which, uh, seems very strange for what is ostensibly a lighthearted movie about a guy who is a dog half the time who finds love. But anyway.
elliott
									
Uh, Dan_—Dan. The idea of being trapped in the form of a dog is horrifying and terrifying to me. Not lighthearted at all. The idea that you would make a lighthearted movie about a man who is sometimes a dog is crazy to me! If he—_and if he was running for, say, D.A.? That would make it even more frightening! That you’re attempting to improve the world you live in by running for public office, and yet sometimes you are a dog? A shaggy dog, perhaps at that.
dan
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
The very idea of it is horrifying to me. And so…just the thought that it would be a lighthearted movie is_—_is insane. Whoever would make that movie is an insane person and should be locked up. So.
stuart
									
Okay, guys. I think it’s time that we try and cut through this Gordian knot of, uh, passions and heartbreak that make up the plot of this movie. [Elliott laughs.] So_—as I mentioned, there is no sound. Suddenly, from—from out of—seemingly out of nowhere, a man’s [laughs]_ voice cuts through the void, uh, and we hear a man’s voice that we have to assume is the voice of the dog, or just a strange voice speaking in our head. Uh, it’s a man who is complaining about “the lack of women around here.” Uh, the lack of women in the park that the dog is running around.
elliott
									
Now, you would_—would you describe this—_this voice, would you describe it as a pleasant, rational, nice person’s voice that is funny and good to hear and enjoyable?
stuart
									
I would say it sounds like a off-brand Paul F. Tompkins doing, uh, like a jerk comedian impression. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s just doesn’t_—doesn’t, like, a man try to pet the dog and he’s like, “Hey, I’m not gay!” It’s like…what?! Like, what is going on? [Laughs.]_ Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Oh, yeah. Yeah yeah.
stuart
									
The_—and—and there’s a—there’s a dawning horror among the, uh, there’s a dawning horror in the viewer as you realize—_the dog is not interested in ladies or women that are dogs; oh, no. He is trying to find, uh, a female human.
dan
									
Yeah. I wanted to_—_I wanted to make a point of this too, Stuart, because at this point in the film, we are not aware that this is a man trapped in a dog's body, so we can only assume that this dog is horny for, uh...human females.
elliott
									
I mean, to be honest, real dogs are. Let's just face it. Any human leg, they are all over. So. You know.
stuart
									
Yeah. The_—yeah. It’s—you were saying that, uh…yeah. Whatever. Um, so. [Laughs.] So… [Elliott laughs.]_
elliott
									
[Stuart repeatedly interjects to agree with Elliott.] Unless I am just so totally doglike that dogs are drawn to my legs_—_because the experience I've had is that dogs see a human leg and they're like, "Yowza! A-WOO-ga!" Head turns into a steam whistle, opens mouth, tongue lolls out like a red carpet, rolls back up again, eyes turn into like, uh, you know, Patriot missiles, they start hitting themselves in the head with a hammer. Like, that’s what happens when dogs see human legs.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, your legs turn into, like, I don’t know, like a ham dinner, or, like, a turkey leg— [Stuart and Elliott laugh.]
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
_—or, like, a—_a nurse in a short skirt walking slowly, provocatively.
dan
									
Yeah. And also before we move on, sorry, the_—the—_the dog's talk, I want to describe it a little bit in that it is...kind of the same sort of, just, random constant patter that you get in, like, a Popeye cartoon? Where Popeye is monologuing to himself?
elliott
									
Yeah, or_—well, it feels like you are watching—_someone watched America's Funniest Home Videos, and they heard Bob Saget putting his voice into that of a dog on a video, and they said: "I think there's a movie in this."
crosstalk
									
Stuart and Dan: Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Let's get some footage of a dog and talk over it. And so, Stuart—
stuart
									
Uh_—and I—I think you are overlooking the—the occasional bursts when a movie that features no music whatsoever, the dog occasionally has these stream-of-consciousness songs—not unlike one of Elliott's letter songs!—so close that I would almost feel like Elliott has some kind of legal, uh, suit against the movie. [Laughs.]_
elliott
									
[Laughs.] I_—I certainly felt like my style was being bitten. Say, by a dog. Now, Stuart, uh, why—do we learn, do we get any hints as to why this dog—or man—_is in that predicament?
stuart
									
Yeah, I_—the—so—yeah, the—the—dog, uh, through—through sprinkled clues, we come to understand that the, uh, that there is some kind of a consciousness trapped in this dog's body. A change had happened, and that the dog wants to change back into a man. Uh, he blames his curse on a nearby pond, which is apparently magical and can talk to him— [Elliott chuckles through next several lines.] —_and occasionally through that burst of sparkles, um, he asked the pond uh, which, uh, gives the dog a magical quest: that he must find a girl. Which is convenient, since that was his interest in the first place.
dan
									
And I gotta say_—this is all—all of this information is...sort of doled out so, like, quickly and vaguely? That...only because I have seen other movies in which a, uh, man is trapped inside a beast—_say, _Beauty and the Beast__—that I was able to understand the basic premise of the film. [Stuart and Elliott laugh.]_
elliott
									
I do appreciate the_—the chutzpah it takes to have a magic pond appear in a movie as if that is a normal thing that happens a lot of the time. [Dan chortles.] There's never even, like, "What?! A talking pond?!" The pond just starts talking and you're like, "Hold on a second; I have to assume it's the pond that's saying this 'cause that's what's on screen. But that's—_nothing's prepared me for this." So, Stuart.
stuart
									
The_—the—so we now watch the—this dog character walk around and, uh, try and find somebody, and, uh, we then cut to a scene in the park where we have two women who are sunning themselves. They are Paula, who is dressed in pink, and Lisa, who is dressed in green. Uh, Paula is urging Lisa that she needs to date more; we learn that Lisa is a virgin; Paula says something, uh...she says something about, like, the world—_like, some place is filled with "freaks, geeks, and players," or "playas," which I feel is, uh...that was kinda a missed opportunity for a second season or a third season of Freaks and Geeks, right? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Freaks, Geeks, and Playas? Yeah. Sure.
stuart
									
It's around here while, uh, so at this point uh, the dog, the dog has, uh, set his sights on Lisa. He_—_he thinks that there is an opportunity for him to find one of these two, take one of these women back to the pond, and find a way to turn himself into a man.
elliott
									
'Cause he needs to find_—he needs to convince a woman to love him. In order to end the—_end the spell.
stuart
									
And we learn_—and we learn that Lisa has, uh, you know, some, uh...you know, she's...Christian; she has a deep faith; the dog says the line—in his head, of course, uh—"You don't need a God," which is great. [Laughs.] Uh…because— [Elliott and Dan laugh.]_
dan
									
[Through laughter] “I am your God now!”
stuart
									
I mean, “dog” and “God” are the same letters. Uh, think about it.
dan
									
But also, like, uh, it's just thrown away in like one single line_—later in the movie, I believe—that he was turned into a dog because—_as punishment for being...a lothario? Before that?
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yup.
dan
									
But it's never clear, like, who is punishing him.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
crosstalk
									
Dan: You know, this pond is magical, but what— Stuart: Yeah. Dan: _—what entity is, like, “This guy was, uh, sleeping around too much; clearly this is—_he must be turned into a dog.”
stuart
									
Was it a powerful spell cast by a_—Azalin Rex, Lich-King of Ravenloft? Who knows! We’ll find out. [Laughs.]_
elliott
									
[Laughs.] We can only assume. We'll have to fill in that information, so sure. It's the Lich-King of Ravenloft.
stuart
									
Uh, so_—uh, the dog, uh—because at this point the dog doesn't have a name, uh, we will just call him "Dog." [Dan laughs.] Dog gets dirty; uh, he uses that as a way to trick Lisa into taking him home and giving him a bath. He then immediately runs away. [Laughs.]_
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, I don't think we're— Elliott: Yeah. [Laughs.] Dan: _—_I don't think we're quite giving, uh, uh, enough of a picture of how disjointed this film is?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Because, for instance, the dog meets Lisa—
stuart
									
We’re like a minute and a half into it. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. The dog meets—
elliott
									
Yeah. This is_—this is, uh, this is the point at which I kept—I was telling my mom about this movie and she texted me last night. She goes, "At 1.5"—no, she goes—she goes—_"I watched a minute of it and I turned it off." I think she got to this point.
dan
									
Yeah. Yeah. But it's so disjointed that, like, the dog meets Lisa; the dog runs away from Lisa; the dog, like, gets dirty, meets Lisa again at a_—like, a car wash—_
elliott
									
It's a gas station, I think.
dan
									
 Or a gas station. Yeah. And Lisa's like, "Oh," you know, like, "Come home with me," and she washes him off. But, like, it was so_—I wasn't immediately sure that it was the same woman. Because it was...such weird—_
stuart
									
Dan, she's_—_she's still wearing green.
dan
									
Yeah, but it was—
elliott
									
Yeah. But also, Dan was like, this movie obviously has a huge budget. Certainly they could afford another actress for this scene. [Laughs.]
dan
									
No, but I'm trying to get the point across that it was such weird storytelling to me that_—that—that she just—_that she didn't just take the dog home after meeting him in the park. There had to be this, like, interlude where, like, the dog runs away and then meets her again at a second location and then she takes the dog home.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
So, Dan, this is how you know you're in the hands of a true artist. Because the movie is making you ask questions about its intentions.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And the movie isn't taking the easy way out. Certainly, the easy way out would have been for her to just take the dog in the beginning. But you need to throw complications in the path of your characters—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And then also, complications in what the audience expects. Now, you might expect that the dog_—since it needs Lisa to change back into a man—would be friendly to her. But instead, the dog continues to run away and belittle her—in its mind—_
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
_—_in ways that are...strange and bizarre since it needs her far more than she needs it.
dan
									
Yes.
elliott
									
But that's when you know you're in the hands, as I say, of a true artist.
dan
									
Yeah. Well I have some theories about that, but, I’ll_—_I'll wait 'til later in the movie.
elliott
									
One of my theories is also that they didn't really have a great dog trainer and they just have a lot of footage of that dog running away from things? And they had to write it into the movie.
dan
									
Oh. Oh. Oh, I...since you bring up the dog trainer_—I was gonna save this for later, but since you bring it up—I looked up the...the woman who plays Lisa's mom, who has not been introduced yet in this synopsis? She—_
stuart
									
She's introduced around page eight of my notes. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs wildly.]
dan
									
Yeah. Sorry. But uh, but since you said dog trainer_—_she is actually a very accomplished animal trainer.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Um, she_—for instance, she’s worked on a lot of big movies; for instance, she was the head animal trainer—_trainer on Doctor Strange; she has, like, 80 credits on IMDB.
elliott
									
What animals are in Doctor Strange?
dan
									
I don't recall. [Stuart laughs.] But, like, she's—
elliott
									
Like Benedict Cumberbatch?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Through laughter] Mads_—Mads Mikkelsen. Dan: [Through laughter] Yeah. [Elliott laughs delightedly.]_
elliott
									
Now I imagine_—Mads Mikkelsen saying his line and then a woman off-screen giving him a treat? Or, like, they have—to get Mads Mikkelsen to look in the right direction for the CGI, they have to use a feather to kind of—and wave it in front of his head so he looks around? [Dan laughs.]_
dan
									
But I can only assume that they got her to do all the animal training for the movie by dangling an acting role in front of her. She's like, “This is my chance.”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Much as you would dangle a feather in front of Mads Mikkelsen's face. Dan: Yes. Stuart: Mm-hm.
dan
									
Anyway. Uh...proceed.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So_—so Stuart, where does Lisa work? Stuart: Uh—_ Elliott: I think we find that out next.
stuart
									
For—[laughs] Uh, excellent segue, guys. [Elliott laughs quietly.] Lisa works at a_—uh, like a clothing store that's in a basement? Uh, she...uh, we're introduced to her...where are we at? We've already skipped over the fact that everything in Lisa's apartment's green, instead of having—_
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Oh yeah, and the dog_—the dog continues to mention, "Why is this house green?” Stuart: Yup. Yup. Elliott: “Why is everything green?" And Lisa wears green all the time. Stuart: Uh-huh. [Inaudible.] Elliott: Now, Lisa—but I wanted to get to when she's helping a farting woman in a too-tight dress? [Dan laughs.]_
stuart
									
Okay, give me a second. I'm just taking a breather. Okay. [Dan and Elliott laugh.]
elliott
									
Again, we're, like, three minutes into the movie.
stuart
									
I guess_—let me—just skip over the notes about how, instead of, uh, curtains in her apartment, she just has, like, a green sheet tacked over the windows. [Elliott laughs.] Uh...she decides to name the dog "Prince"—we are now going to refer to this dog as "Prince"—uh, Prince and Lisa go shopping, Prince gets, uh, kicked by a guy who runs a clothing store? Which is very harsh. Uh, and then we learn that, unlike normal dogs—and this is when Lisa learns that Prince is a little bit special—he can actually see color. As evidenced by his ability to see that her entire wardrobe and apartment is green. [Elliott laughs.]_
stuart
									
Uh, so he picks out clothes that might be better for her; a dog talent agent sees this and becomes very excited and gives Prince a business card that he, uh, takes with his mouth. The...okay. Now. We are at Lisa's house, uh_—_oh! No!
elliott
									
No, so_—you—you’ve skipped over her coworker, Kyle. Who is—_who asks her out.
stuart
									
Yeah, Kyle, is uh_—_is he a coworker or does he own the place? I can't tell.
elliott
									
All I know is he has a clipboard in his hand. And he's talking to her.
stuart
									
I get_—_that's a symbol of authority in my opinion.
dan
									
Yeah. The_—the—uh, flowchart—or—or the work-chart, rather, of who is who in this story is very confusing, because Lisa's, uh, like, awful manager berates her for how she handles a...a...uh, a shopper, but then—_
elliott
									
There’s a client who wants a too-tight dress and Lisa says, "That dress doesn't fit you." But she wants it, and the manager is, like, "Oh, that's_—_of course it fits her. She's great. Why would you ruin this sale?"
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Yeah, I mean, that's_—I mean, that's a classic, uh, good cop/bad cop trick, that in this case— [Elliott laughs.] Stuart: —[chuckling] Mort—Mort, the manager—is a good cop, and he slides in there, with, uh—[ Dan: Yeah. Yeah. But the point of what I'm saying is—_ Elliott: But a very bad man, and a very bad manager, as we find out later. Dan: Not good.
dan
									
But the point of what I'm saying is that Kyle, uh, sort of like tells her afterwards that like "Oh, I like your way better," and it's very confusing_—as I said—as to who's in charge here, because—_if Kyle is above the manager, he's the owner, it seems like maybe he would've said, "Hey, don't treat her that way." But...he just kind of, like, whispers it to her afterwards.
elliott
									
It's also—
stuart
									
Yeah, they're probably coworkers. This is around the time Charlene mentions, um, why Charlene mentioned, "Nobody combs their hair in this movie." [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah, well, uh...my girlfriend mentioned that, uh, Lisa_—I would not have noticed this as a man—_but Lisa has terrible hair extensions.
stuart
									
Oh, okay.
dan
									
And they're very_—_they were very visible once they're pointed out to me.
elliott
									
Now, uh, I_—I have to assume that Kyle, then—_let's say he was researching stores for a paper. That he's writing.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yep.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Maybe for like _Forbes _or the Financial Times or something like that. Stuart: Uh-huh. Elliott: Or the Rand Institute. And that's what_—_he's just there researching.
stuart
									
That makes sense. So Lisa goes back to work; her manager Mort tries the old spider trick, where he says she's got a spider on her back and then he places her_—_his hands all over her back.
dan
									
Not cool.
elliott
									
Yeah, oh, we also oh_—should also mention when she names the dog "Prince," we learn that the dog's name is Alvin Flang— [Dan laughs.]_
elliott
									
And...this is just something he occasionally says sometimes, but even when he comes_—when—when he is a human later, she—he is still called "Prince" by Lisa and he never says, "No, actually, my name is Alvin Flang." Just doesn't come up. [Dan laughs.]_
stuart
									
Okay. Uh...so. As you_—as you can tell—_
elliott
									
And to_—and to—_and Lisa, uh, is friend-zoning Kyle pretty hard. After they go on a date.
stuart
									
Yeah. So...I think_—I think our listeners can tell at this point: this movie is a little bit all over the place. [Elliott laughs.] If it sounds like Stuart and Elliott are fighting over the fuckin' drivers' wheel this movie—uh, podcast. Um—_
elliott
									
I'll just say, if this_—this—while we were watching this—_while I was watching this movie, I yearned for the craftsmanship and coherence of A Talking Cat.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Which is...so_—_so well-made and well-structured compared to this movie.
stuart
									
So_—uh—the—an—an old friend, Rita, shows up to, uh, Lisa's house. Uh, Rita is also dressed in pink; I don't know what this represents. Uh... [Elliott and Dan laugh.] Rita—Rita is trying to set Lisa up on a date. She mentions that a, uh, amorous shopper at the store from earlier was actually, uh, part of a setup—was that—what was that guy’s name? Frank… Hank…? Um—_
elliott
									
Honestly, in my notes I just call him “the guy” and “weird customer.”
stuart
									
So…she decides, you know, she is conflicted because she likes Kyle and she also likes this other fellow who I will find his name in my notes later. Uh, she lies down on the couch and pulls out a headshot of each of them— [Dan and Elliott laugh raucously.] _—_which is, like, “Whom do I date? I guess I’ll date both.” It’s her, uh, it’s her Richard III moment. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] Uh_—so we learn that Lisa sleeps in a heart-shaped bed—very appropriate—uh, there’s a—I—I hesitate to use this word, but there’s a getting-ready montage which is just sped-up footage of her putting on clothes while the dog watches. [Dan chuckles.] Uh…Lisa is having trouble deciding—this is when, uh, Prince uses the term “wambulance” to great comedic effect. [Elliott and Dan laugh.] She then gets a phone call from her mom that is totally shot like an evil villain is calling her? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs. Dan joins in.] It is totally like a kidnapper’s shot? Uh—_
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s just_—she’s sitting in pitch-black darkness—with—with I think her back to the camera? Dan: Yup, and, like, backlit? [Dan and Elliott both laugh.] Dan: Yeah, my—so— Stuart: Yeah. Like, I imagine she’s, like, stroking—_what’s the cat from, uh, from Inspector Gadget? 
dan
									
Our theory while watching this was that they couldn’t get that actress for that scene, so they shot her in silhouette and had a stand-in do it.
elliott
									
Honestly, I think you’re giving too much production credit to the movie. I think that they just thought it would look cool, maybe. I don’t know. Or they just didn’t have lights that day.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
So_—so the mom, uh, start to—what we seem—uh—we—we feel like the mother is about to chastise her for dating multiple men, but no, no, no—that’s a misdirect. Because the mother says, “No, you should date four or five men!” And that seems like overly complicating Lisa’s life. Uh… [Elliott laughs.]_ Around now is when Prince the dog bites both of the headshots and then makes, uh, some off-color comment about how one of the photos tastes Japanese? Uh, because one of the actors I think is Japanese?
elliott
									
That dog has just been hired for Saturday Night Live. Continue.
dan
									
Yup. Topical. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, I was right! It is Frank! So she goes on a date with Frank, who is the customer— Elliott: Frank. Stuart: Uh, they are in Frank’s house I can assume? At first I thought it was some kind of a tea room.
elliott
									
Me, too! I thought they were in a restaurant, but then I think it’s just their house. [Giggles.]
stuart
									
Yeah. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
But_—but based on the way that Frank’s, uh, they’re having—they’re on a date I guess with, uh, and Frank brought along his mother, who is portrayed as an evil harridan. And she is specifying exactly how many slices of ham they can eat, which is kind of the clue that it wasn’t a restaurant. Because you can’t do that at a restaurant, right? You can’t specify exactly how many ham slices you get? [Dan laughs.]_ I don’t know.
crosstalk
									
Dan: You probably could. Stuart: Probably could. Elliott: I mean, if you’re_—if you’re paying by the slice, I don’t know. I mean, if you’re at a deli you can—you can buy it by weight. You know. So I don’t know. Dan: I mean, if you want—if you want fewer slices I assume you could specify that. I don’t think you’re gonna add slices. Elliott: Yeah, you can’t just go in, you go, “Hey, give me—_give me twice as much as you’re normally give me for this amount of money.” I don’t think you can do that. Dan: Yeah. Yeah. I don’t think that.
stuart
									
One of_—one of my favorite stories my wife tells me when she was growing up is, uh, she clearly remembers going to Italian restaurants with her dad, and her dad [through laughter] telling the waiter when they sit down, “Hey, can you bring a meatball for the kid?” And the waiter would just bring a meatball out before they’d even get their food? Which, I mean…I feel like all restaurants should just bring a meatball for me. [Laughs.] [Dan and Elliott laugh.] I’m not—can I like wear a shirt that says that? Or maybe I’ll—I’ll—I’ll note that in my reservation. Uh, so— [Dan laughs.] We also learn, um,—_
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Laughs.] “Please provide free meatball at arrival.” Dan: “I will expect a meatball at the table when I arrive.” [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: So Frank_—so Frank says—yeah— Elliott: “Put it in a crystal goblet like a Fancy Feast.” [Dan and Stuart laugh.]_
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Man, I don’t know. Like, you know, growing up we didn’t have crystal goblets, and I would see that cat walking up to that thing to eat that Fancy Feast— [Elliott laughs.] Stuart: _—and I’m like, “How dare you lord your wealth over me, cat.” Um— Stuart: Mm-hm. Those 1% cats. Elliott: You know, Karl Marx would say that no one should eat their cat food out of a crystal goblet until everyone has cat food. [Dan chuckles.]_
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Like, “Hey, look, you may eat out of a crystal box_—a goblet, but we both shit in a box full of sand, so get over yourself.” [Elliott laughs appreciatively. Dan joins in.]_
stuart
									
Uh, so we learn that_—we learn from this mother that, uh, Frank—_
elliott
									
I always forget, Stuart, that you were raised on a shit mummification commune cult. [Dan and Stuart both laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah. Uh, yeah. The_—the cult of the dung beetle. [Elliott laughs.]_
stuart
									
Um, so_—we learn that Frank has a, has a five-year-old? And obviously, he—the—this five-year-old’s grandmother is very concerned that, uh, because Lisa is coming into their life, and they have high aspirations for this child, that they expect him to become President of the United States. Uh—don’t—_
elliott
									
Mm-hm.
stuart
									
_—the movie doesn’t clarify whether that happens, though it does cover a relatively large period of time, as we’ll get to later. [Elliott laughs.] Um—that’s a—that’s a little plot thread I guess for the sequel. But she does specify some weird stuff, uh, she—they—she places the condition that if Lisa were to marry Frank, which is odd ‘cause this—once again—seems like a first date. Uh, that she would not be allowed to have any children of her own and that, because this mother is a still-working or a retired gynecologist, uh, Lisa would have to have her tubes tied. Uh—_
elliott
									
And this is all_—Lisa’s reaction to this, which should be like, “What?!” She just has this look on her face like, “Okay. If that’s the price I gotta pay, let me think about this. If that’s—_”
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
“_—If that’s really what it takes, like, I’m not sure it’s worth it, but let me think about it.” It’s—_she’s just absorbing all this information about how they’ve scientifically figured out how to raise this child and she can’t have any children. She’s going to be the kid’s stepmom. It’s a very strange scene.
stuart
									
Uh, shortly after this, Paula comes over, uh, to hang out with Lisa, to Lisa’s house. Prince comes up and bites Paula and then Prince gets thrown out of the house. He_—and he has to find a way to get back into Lisa’s good graces. Uh, once again, not really established why this needed to happen. Uh, now, suitor #2, Kyle comes over—_
elliott
									
You know what, Stuart? You made me_—I—this—_this movie feels like they shot, like, a four-episode or five-episode miniseries and then condensed it down to a movie? And maybe that’s what happened.
dan
									
Uh-huh? Kinda like, uh, kinda like Widows. Uh, Widows was originally a miniseries that was, uh, remade as uh, repurposed as a_—_a long film that, you know. Yeah.
elliott
									
Oh, was it? I didn’t realize that. Hm.
stuart
									
Um, yeah. Think about it. It, uh, I_—I feel like that—_the more you think about that more that kinda shows in the movie. But whatever.
elliott
									
No, I think you’re right. I think_—I, no, I think—I’d like to, too, but I think you’re right. There’s a lot of, uh, there’s a lot of stuff going on in that movie. And that makes more sense. And I also—I still don’t get how in that movie a guy who’s running for Alderman shows up at the funeral of a famous bank robber? [Dan laughs.] And is like “I worked with your husband. I had a lot of respect for him.” It was like, wait, you worked—he’s a famous thief! And you worked with him and you knew him? I don’t—it’s a strange—it’s—that was the one moment in the movie where I was like, “Wait, what’s going on—” [through laughter] “—_in this movie?”
stuart
									
Uh-huh! It’s like_—was this originally meant to be set in a Wild West town? [Laughs.] [Dan and Elliott laugh.] Okay. Uh…so, Kyle comes over and, of course at this point, he proposes to Lisa after she explains the bona fides of her art collection. [Laughs.] [Dan chuckles; Elliott laughs loudly.]_
crosstalk
									
Elliott: That’s right_—uh— [Laughs.] Stuart: Yeah, there’s like, a prominently displayed painting and then Lisa explains who the artist is, what their work history is, and where you can find it, uh, to—for purchase. [Laughs.]_
elliott
									
It’s on auction at Sotheby’s, she says.
stuart
									
However, there’s a little wrinkle here: Kyle proposes; however, he explains, uh, he explains that he is, uh, he is a gay man, and he would only be proposing to Lisa as a way to, uh, appease his family. And, of course, he would need a child.
elliott
									
He tells her, he’s like_—he—he really backs into it and buries the lead, ‘cause he’s, like, “And—_of course if we were married you could continue to date and be involved with whoever you wanted. Uh, and I do wanna marry you even though I find you physically unattractive.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Elliott: “I do wanna marry you—” and she’s like, “What?!” And he’s like, “Oh, I’m_—I’m gay. That’s what it is.” Stuart: Yeah. Elliott: “And my family’s ashamed of me.” And it was, like, “Wow. This—this scene got so heavy and—” Stuart: Yeah. Dan: That was—that was a long way to just get across the road there, buddy. I don’t know why you [through laughter] had to go all the way around the block. Elliott: Yes. [Through laughter] I don’t—I don’t know why we were going in reverse down this highway, but—_
stuart
									
And he_—he tries to sweeten the deal by offering her luxury furs, which is an odd movie in a movie about a woman who falls in love with a dog. [Elliott laughs.] Lisa—Lisa turns him down, and…Kyle leaves, he’s like, “Please think about it,” and he leaves. And…this is when, uh, this is—then we get to a kind of difficult scene where—out of nowhere—her manager Mort breaks into her home drunk and begins to assault her. He explains that he, uh, is in an unhappy marriage; that he is, uh, not, uh, he is not sexually fulfilled by his wife, and “it is not safe to see a hooker,” in his words, which—I don’t know. [Laughs.]_ I don’t think that line’s ever worked.
dan
									
Dan: Now_—now— [Elliott laughs.] Dan: During this, during this assault, I mean—_so Prince runs to the rescue, but his attitude is very strange. The voiceover is, like, “Hey, get off her. She’s mine.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yes. It’s_—odd choice. [Laughs.] Dan: It’s not, it’s not—“Hey! Get off her! You shouldn’t rape—_rape Lisa!” It’s “Hey, get off her! She’s mine.” Elliott: “That’s wrong!”
stuart
									
And then, um_—_Mort, having been defeated by the dog, uh, he runs off while shouting over his shoulder that Lisa is fired; I do not think that firing would hold up. Um…and then, Lisa, like, breaks down and sobs on the couch while the dog does, like, victory gloating?
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
He sings a song about how he’s the king of the castle? It’s very_—it—the whole—it’s—so we’ve seen—_I guess what I’m saying is, uh, this movie is kinda tone deaf? Emotionally? Is the nice way of putting it?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yup. Yup. Dan: Yeah.
dan
									
Well here’s a theory that I have. Um, so, I think that once the guy_—_the dog turns into a guy, I think that his voice is different than the dog.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s very different. Stuart: There’s no question that’s the case. [Laughs.] Dan: Okay. So_—I’m, uh— Elliott: Dan, if you just think that? Then you gotta look a little closer. ‘Cause it is incredibly obvious. Dan: Okay. Okay. So, it is my theory that this movie was made—_
elliott
									
It’s almost like you’re, like, “I’m gonna hypothesize that the man and the dog are not the same because they look a little different.” Yes, Dan. They’re completely different.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Alright. So. Alright. Uh_—I’m just takin’ my lumps. Uh, I— Elliott: The movie was made. [Laughs.]_
dan
									
I feel like the movie was made, and then they might have been, like, “Hey, this doesn’t make as much sense as it should; like, there’s huge swathes of no noise whatsoever; maybe the dog should talk” and, like, they also wanted to lighten the mood of the movie? ‘Cause the movie is weirdly dour for something that, again, is ostensibly a romantic comedy I think? And so they just got someone in after the fact to just improvise riffs over things who maybe doesn’t understand, like, what the movie is. Like, he’s way meaner to Lisa, as a dog, than he is as a human being.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Like_—shortly— Elliott: I—sorry Stuart. Stuart: Shortly after this, uh, Lisa takes a bunch of, uh, Mentos-shaped sleeping pills. And, uh—_
elliott
									
Wait. Let me_—wait, uh, before we—before we move on, Dan. I think you make—that might make sense that maybe this—_maybe this movie was not originally meant to be a comedy?
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
I think it was probably_—maybe it was meant to be a romance or a drama, and then they were like, “No, no, no. We—we should add jokes to it. Let’s hire—_let’s bring someone in to ad-lib all this stuff.” And there’s, like, yeah. That would make a lotta sense. Dan, I think you might’ve cracked the code. Let’s make a movie about it. We’ll call it: Loving “Love on a Leash”.
stuart
									
Yeah. Yeah, because_—_mm-hm.
dan
									
Because later on, I don’t, like, I don’t wanna jump ahead too much, but later on, once he does become a man part of the time, like, the movie is a lot about…sort of the struggles of being in a marriage and how much extra, uh, like tension is caused by the fact that…she has to keep this secret and he’s a man only half the time and it seems very—
stuart
									
Once again, a plot point that we haven’t gotten to yet. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. But it seems odd. I just wanna, like— [Stuart and Elliott both laugh.] I think jumping around makes sense here, ‘cause I just_—I’m saying that it seems oddly serious, like, the person behind it intended to make more of a kind of…magical realism sort of story? And it just didn’t work so they tried something [laughs]_ different at the last minute. Anyway.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Elliott: It was originally called 100 Years of Dogitude. Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was written by, uh, uh… [laughs] I don’t know. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Salman, uh, Barkdie. [Laughs.] [Dan and Elliott laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Salman Ruffdie. Let’s say. Dan: Yeah.
stuart
									
Oh, wow, that was just sitting on the table and I didn’t pick it up! [Laughs.] Oh, man. Oh man. Now I’m takin’ my lumps. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh, so as I mentioned, uh, Lisa takes a bunch of, uh, sleeping pills and she passes out on the floor. This is when Prince the dog says, “If she’s OD’d, I’m screwed.” [Elliott laughs.] Which_—once again—brings up the fact that, like, he clearly, like, he’s a huge asshole. Like—_
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Why are we_—who’s rooting for him? Elliott: I think this is the movie that—that, like, sums up that—_that’s the line that sums up the problem with the movie: “If she OD’s, I’m screwed.” Like…it’s so heartless.
stuart
									
So…Lisa, uh, so, quick-thinking Prince the dog runs out into the street, lays down in front of a car, the car stops; Prince, uh, leads the drive in who finds Lisa, Lisa is rushed to a hospital which is aptly named “Garfield Medical Center.” [Elliott laughs.] Mmmm. Easter eggs all around! Uh, Prince then sings letter songs, uh, Lisa gets out of the hospital, she runs home in the rain_—suspiciously not wet—_this is a very odd scene where she runs through a fake rainstorm and then goes into her apartment completely un-wetted by the water. Uh…
elliott
									
She also comes home pretty casually from her stay at the hospital after taking all those sleeping pills.
stuart
									
Yeah. She_—she’s looking around for Prince, she can’t find him. She picks up an umbrella and then throws it away. Um— [Dan laughs. Elliot follows.] And then—and then she goes, uh—yeah. She goes running out into the rain; she goes into a park. Um…okay. This is where—there is where the movie gets a little weird, guys. [Elliott laughs.] Because she runs into a park looking for Prince; Prince is there, she—_what, expresses her love for him? Or he expresses his love for her?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Elliott: She_—so—she—_she vows to have no men but him forever.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Which, uh, we then get some sparkle magic, and all of a sudden Prince is no longer Prince; he is a naked strange man standing in the, uh, standing in the water_—_er, standing in the park.
elliott
									
He is_—_he is a strange man. Right? Like, there’s something very weird about him that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
stuart
									
He’s_—_for a man who was a dog half the time, his body is very hairless.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I also think that part of it might be that he’s wearing— Elliott: [Through laughter] That wasn’t it.
dan
									
He’s_—_he’s wearing a crazy wig that I think is meant to be reminiscent of the dog’s fur?
elliott
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
So that’s part of it too, I think.
stuart
									
Aww! I didn’t even think about that! Once again, Easter eggs all around. [Dan chuckles.]
stuart
									
He says, uh, she_—obviously, Lisa is terrified. What—uh, she had previously been touch—uh, touching her dog and now there is a naked strange man—uh, albeit incredibly attractive—uh—_grabbing at her.
elliott
									
Imagine how weird that would be, to be putting a dog and then suddenly be feeling naked human skin. That would be strange and crazy.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. And he_—he—he calms her down in a voice that is nothing like the dog’s inner monologue, and he says, “Don’t be afraid. It’s me. It’s really me, your dog.” [Laughs.] [Dan and Elliott join in.] Uh, and the—and she is swooning, she’s terrified, she passes out—somewhere in this processes he glosses over the—the—the whole story which is, as we said, he was a—_he was a man in a previous life, he says, a man who was cursed for his philandering and turned into a dog.
dan
									
Yes. Uh, but also_—I mean, she’s—_she’s befuddled by what’s happened but she also, uh, thanks God for answering her prayers for a man.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. She, like, wakes up and he, like, proposes to her. Uh…
elliott
									
Yeah. She declares Prince her husband.
stuart
									
Then, uh, we get a little, uh, sequence where Prince explores_—oh, and he still goes by the name Prince, which is odd. Um, he— [Elliott laughs.]_
elliott
									
Yeah, especially since earlier he was literally yelling, “My name is Alvin Flang! I’m Alvin Flang!”
stuart
									
Uh, Prince explores his new human body. He looks at his butt. [Elliott laughs.] And then we see—
elliott
									
It’s so_—_it’s so funny, ‘cause that probably is one of the first things you would do, right?
crosstalk
									
Elliott : Is check out your own privates to make sure that they look the same. Stuart: I mean, I certainly would. I mean, I do [laughs] I do that [laughs] every morning when I wake up. Uh— Elliott: Yeah, just to make sure there’s no tail there.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Make sure I’m not a dog! Um— [Elliott laughs.] We then, uh, we’re then treated to_—I don’t know, one of the worst sex scenes in human history. [Laughs.]_
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. I wanna talk about this. Now— [Stuart and Elliott both laugh.] Dan: So— Stuart: [Announcer voice] Buckle up!
dan
									
Like, Lisa is sort of, like…awkwardly giggling and kind of, like, rolling away from him a lot of the time? And I think the movie is trying to…uh, show you, like, her being sort of uncomfortable, like, or_—_or her being, like, experiencing sex for the first time. ‘Cause she was a virgin. 
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
I think that, like, the giggling and sort of, uh, like putting her hands over her face is supposed to be that, but it_—_it reads like she really doesn’t want to have sex with this guy.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And at the same time, he seems kinda grossed out by her.
dan
									
Yeah. It’s very unpleasant.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Like, they really_—but—_say what you will about the other bad sex scene involving a Lisa in The Room; at least Tommy Wiseau looks like he’s, uh, interested in some way, even though Lisa herself was terrified. While she’s there.
dan
									
Yeah. And_—_and also this guy was a dog a couple hours ago. And they have jumped into bed immediately. So that’s also kind of strange.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. The ultimate_—the ultimate fantasy continues. [Laughs.] And—and— Elliott: Look, at any moment he could turn back into a dog. It’s like—_it’s like a conjugal visit in prison.
elliott
									
You’ve got to take advantage of the time.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Well_—well—and—and that—those fears are realized, Elliott, because the next morning she wakes up to find that a dog is in her bed! And then…they immediately get over it. Uh… [Dan laughs.] Prince runs over and talks to the magic pond trying to find out what the deal is because he thought he had fulfilled the conditions of his curse. No, no, no—the—the pond—I think the pond explains that, like, they’re not 100% committed or something. So—_
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Elliott: He_—I— Stuart: He only gets to be a—_he only gets to be a dog when the sun is down or shrouded by clouds.
dan
									
Yeah. The_—the pond keeps really moving the goalposts, ‘cause the pond— [Elliott laughs.] —_the pond keeps giving, like, this guy, kind of like, love quests along the way?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Before he has to_—he’s like, “No, no, now you gotta do this! Now you gotta do this”—yeah. Stuart: Yeah, like—like a loan shark. Elliott: Well first—‘cause each his—his—_princess is literally in another castle each time. Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Yup. Elliott: Where it’s, like, “You gotta find a woman to love you.”
elliott
									
“Uh, well now you’ve gotta learn true love. Uh, well now you gotta understand that a marriage means sacrifice.” And it’s like, pond_—are you—_you making this up, or are you learning this now? 
elliott
									
I think, uh, something that_—it’s just very strange is—_it really becomes, as the movie goes on, it becomes more and more clear how different Prince is as a man than as a dog?
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
As a man, he’s like, [tenderly] “Lisa. I love you. You mean so much to me. I_—I just wanna be your husband! I wanna take care of you!” And as a dog he’s, like, “What’s your problem? Get outta my face! Come on!” [Dan and Stuart laugh.] Like, [annoyed voice] “Again with the green clothes. Again. Oh boy. [Singing] I’m a dog, I’m a dog, I’m a dog I’m a dog.” Like, it’s, they’re so, it—we talked about it before, but they’re just—_it keeps hitting you over the head how incredibly different they are.
dan
									
Yeah. And, like, this is_—I wonder—this is why I wonder whether the guy even—_
stuart
									
We’re about 30 minutes into the movie, by the way. [Laughs.] [Stuart and Elliott laugh.]
dan
									
This is why I wonder whether the guy even saw the film? Because…another instance of that is, like, the dog at the beginning, as we mentioned, like, makes an offensive joke about, like, “Hey, I’m not gay!” like, when a man is touching him. And then her coworker, you know, a gay man is presented relatively sympathetically and just as, like, a normal dude who needs some help. And it’s like…who_—_like, this guy didn’t see the movie that he was doing his voiceover for. That’s, is my point, I guess.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. Stuart: Well— Elliott; Now, when you say “normal dude who needs some help,” you mean, like, some help with his family situation. Not some help not being gay.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yes. I_—I’m sorry. Elliott: Yeah, yeah. I just want to make that clear. Dan: I—_okay. Yeah.
stuart
									
Uh…yeah. So…uh, they, you know, they talk it through, they figure out that he is, uh, they figure out the situation. Lisa is pretty much on board with dog fuckin’. Um, she, uh—
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Well, no. She’s_—hold on. It’s—it’s—he’s a man when they do it. This is just their new normal. Every—_every relationship has its ups and downs, and their downs are during the day when he’s a dog, and their ups are at night. And I think you know what I mean.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Laughs.] That’s true. So we_—like, we see—we see scenes— Elliott: About their ups. [Dan laughs.] Stuart: We see scenes of their, like—_ Elliott: I think you know what’s goin’ up at night. [Laughs.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. You’re_—you’re making the same joke that my girlfriend actually made a few times during the movie, which is like, “I only need him to be a man at night.” [Elliott laughs.]_
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Hey, look— Stuart: Mm-hm. Yeah. Yeah. As the tagline Charlene proposed: “He licks his ass at day, and her ass at night.” [Dan and Elliott laugh.]
elliott
									
Yes. Now why_—that would’ve been much clearer about the movie, uh, but yet—it’s—I think it’s a lot of women’s dream to have a man at their beck and call, literally, he—she can command him during the day—_to do things like sit, play dead, that all wives want their husbands to do!
dan
									
I think you’re_—_I think you’re getting into a weird area here, Elliott, that I’m not gonna support you on.
stuart
									
[Laughs.] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’ve been_—uh, you got—you just, uh, signed on for that new, uh, “What Women Want” project. Right? [Laughs.]_
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. It’s called “What women want…they want dogs that become men at night.” And it stars—
dan
									
Yeah. Okay.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. It’s a sequel reboot, it’s a legasequel, you know, who knows. Elliott: And it stars_—it—_it still stars Mel Gibson. And his own dog.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Oh, wow. Courageous choice. [Elliott laughs.] Uh…okay. So. Uh, we get to see some scenes of their, like, their_—their daily life, um. Lisa, I guess, has a new job or the same job? That isn’t clear. Uh… [Elliott laughs.] She—she—we get a scene of her preparing, like, the saddest fuckin’ breakfast for herself and, uh, and Prince where she, like, is scraping cream cheese from a little, like, takeout container thing? [Elliott laughs.] Like, it’s so, like…c’mon, dude. Uh…and then we—she has a good laugh when Prince—unlike every other dog in history—_is uninterested in human food and only wants dog food. And she has a good laugh at that. Um…
elliott
									
She’s like, “You want dog food! Hahahahahaha!” [Dan chuckles.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Okay. And for_—and then we—we get a little— Dan: A little manic, actually. Elliott: It’s like, are we—_yeah.
elliott
									
It’s kind of a weird Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?-type_—type moment. Cause it’s, like, “Oh, you want dog food, husband? Well, I’ll feed you that! Ha ha ha!” [Dan laughs.]_
stuart^
									
[Loftily] “Ha ha ha ha ha.”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, when she serves her a rat for dinner? Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Well I guess it_—_it’s like something that’s in the form of a question: Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, Who Slew Auntie Roo?, all that_—_it’s Jeopardy! style. It’s in the form of a question. Stuart: Mm-hm. Throw Momma from the Train. Dan: Who is Killing the Great Chefs of Europe?
elliott
									
Exactly. All of those.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh— Elliott: All Dogs Go to Heaven question mark? Stuart: Yup. Dan: [Laughs.] No.
stuart
									
They_—they purchase a, uh, they purchase a collar and a leash? And then they pose for some photos that are, like, part—_I would say they’re, like, part wedding photos and also part, like…once again, kind of serial killer-y photos.
dan
									
They’re like—
stuart
									
Like, the sort of things you would find in a_—_in, like, a basement level in a Resident Evil game. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
I mean, it’s like_—I mean—they’re—_they’re bondage play-y, I guess, ‘cause he’s, like, wearing the leash?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Which I’m not…shaming. That’s wonderful. But, like, because he is literally a dog half the time, she does seem to be very much playing into_—_like, it seems like maybe her fetish now is the fact that he is a dog.
stuart
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I mean, she’s_—she’s had—she’s in a situation that as far as she knows, no woman has ever been in before. She is exploring new boundaries on the Erotic Continent. And she really likes that! Stuart: In which case—Yeah. Which is…I would—I agree with you, and it does—this does feel like a one-off situation where a man is—_was initially cursed into a dog’s body and then has somehow found a way to live half the time as a dog and a man.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: But later on as a dog, he and a bunch of other dogs are, I think, like, fighting over food? And we hear the inner voices of all these other dogs and they seem to be communicating. So, like— Elliott: Yeah. Stuart: _—is this a common thing? Is this—I mean—_I guess it says something about the reality we live in. Dan: Oh, man.
elliott
									
I mean, that’s_—it’s true—it’s true that if all dogs were people in the form of dogs and you couldn’t hear them talk? We’d have no idea. And we just would never know. Pray! Pray that you don’t learn the other half of that scenario—_that you don’t end up as a dog! For the Flop House, I’m…the Cryptkeeper! [Dan and Stuart laugh appreciatively.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, wow! You really, uh_—yeah, you—toned—toned down your, uh, you thing, huh? [Laughs.]_ Dan: You sound different, Crypty. 
elliott
									
I’m the new_—I’m the new Cryptkeeper. They fired the old guy ‘cause of the puns. Now my whole thing is sleight-of-hand magic. Close-up. [Dan and Stuart laugh.] “Dan, pick a card, would you? A tarot card!” [Stuart laughs.]_
dan
									
I_—I mean, I can’t through the—the Skype connection, but, uh—_
elliott
									
Once again, Dan, you have refused to “Yes, and” a scenario. [Dan laughs loudly. Stuart laughs as well. Dan continues to laugh through next several lines.] “I, the Cryptkeeper, had no way of knowing that you are a logical robot; but Elliott, if he were here, should have known that and he apologizes.” [Laughs.] [Dan’s laughter escalates.]
dan
									
Alright.
stuart
									
So we then go, uh, so despite, uh, all their, you know, their newlywed bliss, uh, we…we_—there’s a—a rocky road ahead, because we have a scene in the park where they’re having a picnic, and Lisa has gotten all the things that he loves. Uh…what, uh, like chopped liver, etc. etc., and— [Dan and Elliott confirm.] —but there’s something that’s, like, kinda stuck in, uh, Prince’s craw. Uh, this is, uh—_
crosstalk
									
Stuart: _—uh, perform— Elliott: She—she wants—_she wants him to eat this food, but there’s something eating at him.
stuart
									
Yeah, and_—_this is performed admirably by this dog actor, who is just sitting on a blanket in the park, while Lisa, uh, talks to him and has a one-sided fight with him. “Please, communicate with me!”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s so_—it’s— [laughs.] Stuart: And this dog just stares off into the void. Oh, to be a fly on the wall in this scene! [Laughs.] Dan: Smiling, by the way. The dog seemed perfectly happy. [Laughs.]_ Elliott: It is so strange.
elliott
									
All I could imagine was people walking by and seeing a woman yelling at a dog in the park. [Dan laughs.] As if they were in a relationship. And being, like, “What is going on here?” ‘Cause it’s shot from, like, far away, pretty much, too. Right?
dan
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, and you know, the dog may be smiling, but his eyes aren’t. He is certainly not smizing. Dan: Oh, okay. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, so it’s_—you’re saying it’s one of those situations where he’s, like, [strained voice]_ “Heh heh heh! Well let’s get home; we’ll talk about it there, honey!” And she’s like, “We’ll talk about it right here.”
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Mm-hm
stuart
									
Uh…so_—but—so—we—we learn that he—he feels, uh, he feels that he should be able to provide for her. If he is the—the man in this relationship. And this is—this is—a—a challenging thing! ‘Cause as we’ve said before, he is only a man at night. [Elliott laughs.] And there is a limited amount of professions in—_what, Los Angeles? Where is this? Los Angeles?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh, yeah. I think it’s LA. Elliott: I think it’s_—I think it’s Los Angeles but Stuart, you, as everyone know, you would know better than anyone—nobody works at night. There are no jobs at night. There are no nighttime jobs. Stuart: Mm-hm. Yep. I’m coming off of, like, three hours of sleep. Because I work the nighttime job! [Elliott laughs.]_
stuart
									
Um…so he gets a job at, a, uh, the_—remember the—the dog talent agent who showed up earlier? Well he comes back. And weirdly enough, we have another returning character, that’s right—the dog talent agent is, uh, working with the farting woman from the dress store. [Dan laughs. Elliott and Stuart join in.]_
elliott
									
Because there are no loose ends in this movie. That’s craftsmanship.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: And_—and she—_she needs a dog actor for a, uh, a commercial she’s doing.
stuart
									
And…I_—I got a little lost in the exact series of how this all played out, but I think he made a phone call or left a phone message, and, uh,—_
elliott
									
He left a phone message, and said_—_well first, he gets there too late.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Elliott: They’ve already left for the day.
elliott
									
And so he sits in a hot parking lot and we get the immortal line from the throat_—_guy who’s throwing lines into the dog’s mouth, “’Ahh! My ass!” because the parking lot, I assume, is too hot from being in the sun.
stuart
									
Mm.
elliott
									
Uh, and then he call_—as a human that night, he calls the dog agent and arranges a daytime meeting. [Dan laughs.]_
stuart
									
And the dog agent has a, uh, has a_—the [laughs] he has a, like a bubble letter sign on his front door that just says, “Dog Talent Agent”? [Laughs.]_
dan
									
Yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
But also_—but—but also the—_
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Not since_—_not since The Joke Thief’s “Comedy Basement” has there been_—_has there been a more apt name on a building. Dan: Yeah.
dan
									
But also the_—message he leaves is, like, “Hey, remember that dog you’re—_you’re looking for? He’ll be outside your building at, like, this hour or whatever.” I’m like, so…the dog is just showing up unchaperoned and I really wonder how the dog’s getting paid. Whether they’re just handing bills to this dog.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Well you_—_Yeah. Yeah. Elliott: They explain it. They explain it, Dan. They hand cash to the dog. He says, “Pay him in cash. Give it to the dog.” Dan: Mm-kay. Mm-hm. Stuart: Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Now, here’s the thing_—the client and the agent go into their—his office. The dog is already there. [Dan and Stuart laugh.] Prince is already there sitting at the desk, a master of breaking and entering sneakily. And they’re, like, “We gotta prove that he can do this! Pick up the red phone!” And then Prince picks up the red phone. “Now pick up the lav—the indigo phone!” [Stuart laughs.] And he picks up the indigo phone. [Dan laughs.]_ And they’re, like, “He did it! He’s the most brilliant dog in the history of dogs!”
stuart
									
Yeah, it’s_—it’s pretty incredible. So he gets this commercial gig, uh…he—he shows—_
elliott
									
They also treat him like he’s already famous. They are so_—they are so deferential to this dog sitting at a desk, and I think it’s hilarious everyone’s like, “Oh, sir! You’re here already! Uh, well, if we could talk to you about the commercial…” It’s just really funny. [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.]_
stuart
									
So he_—he gets this gig, obviously, because he’s an amazing dog actor. Um, and then he shows up, uh, with, uh presents for Lisa later on as he’s a man. And [laughs] and—he—when she asks him about it, he says, “Don’t ask how I get money,” which is like—that’s the shadiest way to say that, sir! [Laughs.]_
dan
									
Yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Um…and then Paula’s car breaks down, and she needs a shower. Uh—
elliott
									
Oh wait, before that_—before that we do see what—_Lisa finds out about Prince’s job. How does she find out about it?
dan
									
Mm-hm.
stuart
									
Uh…yeah. So she’s watching, uh, she’s watching TV, uh, and Prince realizes that one of the commercials that he’s in is on there, so he tries to turn off the TV. She watches it. Uh, and in fact she realizes “Oh my God, you’re_—_you’re a commercial dog actor.”
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, I mean_—I actually was—I had—yeah. Elliott: And—and the commercial involves—the commercial involves Prince fighting and then befriending a ninja? Nothing to show what the product is? Dan: Yeah. Nothing—nothing about picking up phones, I’ll tell ya that. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]_
stuart
									
Well yeah, like, he had_—he had shown up with a wound—like an injury as a dog, and she’s like, “What’s going on?” And he’s like, “Don’t ask me about my money,” you know. [Elliott laughs.] “I just—I got—I’m doing it for my family, like every guy on a, uh, reality competition show ever!” Um…so, yeah. [Elliot laughs.] Uh, I think at this point—and they—I think they gloss over it. She’s like, “Oh, okay, well you got a job. That’s great.” Um—_
crosstalk
									
Elliott: She’s like—“You_—you’re a famous—you’re a famous dog who—who teams up with a ninja on TV. That’s my life now. Okay. It’s a living.” Stuart: You would—_
stuart
									
You would think at this point she would then help support him. I would think it would make life much easier if she was, like, “Okay, well, I’ll manage you.” Like, why don’t—
elliott
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
But I guess that’s, uh, that would infringe on his, uh, you know, his_—his sense of self and worth. Um—_
elliott
									
Well, part of_—_part of a marriage is having separate spheres. So you can have your own thing.
stuart
									
Yeah. It_—_I mean, it would be very strange if a husband and wife were to work together or own a business together, or…
elliott
									
[Through laughter] I think it would be crazy! You’re askin’ for disaster at that point! Cruisin’ for a bruisin’, if you will!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Laughs.] Yep! And I_—oh, have I been bruised. Um…so— Elliott: [Laughs.]_ So you’re saying, Paula comes over.
stuart
									
Paula comes over. Her car is broken down. Uh, this is at nighttime so of course Prince is a, is a human man. Uh, Lisa is terrified and hides a naked Prince in a…like, a small wardrobe? Or like, a temporary wardrobe? Paula needs to take a shower of course, uh, she is immediately suspicious of Lisa’s, uh, behavior because Lisa is behaving very suspiciously.
dan
									
Oh, by the way_—this—the shower thing. Like, she—_she barges into the house and like immediately goes to the bathroom and Lisa’s like, “What are you doing?” Like, “I’m gonna take a shower!” As if it’s the most normal thing to do, to go to a friend’s house, walk in without telling them they’re gonna take a shower, and just start showering.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Please continue.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh, I mean_—maybe—I guess you’re—yeah. Elliott: She went—_Paula watches a lot of Cinemax. Dan: Yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah. And your_—your—I guess your car has never broken down before, Dan. [Laughs.]_
dan
									
Okay.
stuart
									
That’s hot work. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Um…okay. So she, uh, so she…Paula_—Paula finds Prince, of course, because they’re acting crazy. She, uh, is, uh, obviously frightened because Prince—it looks like a monster man. [Elliott laughs.] They, uh…but a—a very, you know, cut and beautiful monster man. They—_
elliott
									
Yeah. A very gentle monster man.
stuart
									
Paula does not take this well at all. Despite her earlier urgings for Lisa to find a man, she is horrified that Lisa would hide this from her. Uh…and it_—_it’s a very strange, like, it’s that sort of thing where you’re, like, “Why is this character angry?”
dan
									
Yeah. She seems so intent on Lisa getting some earlier on, and now she’s like, this is the friendship-ending argument that they have.
elliott
									
She’s like, “You’re a_—you’re a hypocrite, I thought you were this big virgin, but now you’re not”—_
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
“But you actually have a man. You lied to me. I’m outta here.”
stuart
									
I mean, it says a lot about how…uh, sometimes in our, uh, friendships and relationships, you can kinda pigeonhole your friends into just one thing. And like, everybody has, like, rich inner lives, right? I’m not_—_we’re not, just, like, one character.
elliott
									
No, not at all. [Stuart laughs.] So I was_—like, unless you’re Dan—but anyways. So—_
dan
									
What? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
The_—I would—_I would say that, uh, much like Watergate, it wasn’t the crime, but the coverup. That made Paula mad.
dan
									
Oh, okay.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And since he_—she hides him in a shower that zips up? That the—it’s—_with an opaque, uh, shower curtain? Stuart: Yeah. Yeah, I feel like it’s, like, a temporary thing.
elliott
									
I would call that a “Water-gate.”
stuart
									
Oh.
dan
									
Oh. Okay.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: A gate to get to the water of the shower! So… this is all_—layers upon layers. Stuart: Oh, let me uh—let me—let me—let me check the rulebook, uh. [Laughs.] Dan: Well, I guess the podcast is over forever. Now. [Laughs.]_
stuart
									
Yeah. Elliott’s, uh, Elliott’s joke works. Okay. [Laughs.] [All three laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah, do the math, please.
stuart
									
Technically a joke! [Dan and Elliott laugh appreciatively.] Uh…
stuart
									
So, now that Paula’s out of her life, uh, Rita has no option_—er, Rita. [Elliott laughs.]_ Lisa has no option but to have a fun day with her other friend, Rita.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] I feel like Rita is, like, “Now I get to move up a slot to best friend!”
stuart
									
Uh-huh! And Rita_—who had seemed somewhat innocuous at first—starts to show her true colors. Uh, she is [through laughter] uh…uh…Rita is very aggressively trying to get Lisa to go to places with her. And at this point, I’m like, “Is Rita also trying to magically transform into something?” [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] Um…she—she takes Lisa to, uh, it looks like a restaurant with a dance floor? Where Lisa’s mother is. Uh, so Rita and Lisa’s mother are already at—_are at this restaurant and they are encouraging Lisa to dance with a collection of different men who begin to fight over dancing with Lisa. Lisa is put off and it is revealed that Lisa’s mother and Rita have been paying these men to dance with her?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Mm-hm.
stuart
									
Uh, which—
crosstalk
									
Dan: They’re very bad at their job. Like, it seems like…they would just take turns rather than fighting over her if they_—if—if—if they were— Stuart: Yeah, I mean, if it’s—if it’s a job, why would you—_I mean, are they being paid by the, like, the step of the dance? Dan: Yeah. Elliott: I assume they’re being paid per dance. Dan and Stuart: Yeah.
dan
									
Here’s something that I wanna say at this point. So this movie is obsessed with Lisa getting married or paired off. Like…all of the character, uh, propose to her almost immediately; she is seeking a man; when she finally does get married, it is right away. And her_—_her mother is obsessed with this as well.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And, um—
stuart
									
Yeah, her mother says the only thing that would make her happy is for Lisa to find a man and settle down.
dan
									
Yeah. And I’m gonna reveal another piece of the puzzle in Dan’s girlfriend. So, my girlfriend is—
elliott
									
Wait. You_—why are you—why are you hiding pieces of puzzles in your girlfriend? Like—_
dan
									
Oh God. That’s—
elliott
									
Is_—_she swallows them?
dan
									
Very gross. Anyway. [Stuart laughs.] Um…uh—
stuart
									
I haven’t seen Ready or Not yet. Don’t spoil anything.
dan
									
So my girlfriend is Asian, and when she found out that the person who made this was an elderly Chinese immigrant, she’s like, “Oh, this makes so much more sense.” Because…like, she’s like, “Okay, this is, like, a cultural thing where it would be more important to, you know, marry off a daughter in the way that this film wants her to be married off, uh, but it’s baffling in, like, sort of modern American context.” Like, it—
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
_—it—makes—it makes far less sense to be, like, oh, like, why does everyone give a shit so much about—_
stuart
									
Yeah. Based_—_based on our reactions.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
So…she, Lisa at this point, uh, lets the_—lets the other shoe drop. And she reveals: she has found a man! “Mom, you don’t have to worry about me”—_
elliott
									
She says “I got a man.” And your mom says_—and her mom says, “What’s your man gotta do with me?” And they—it’s—_they go on like that.
dan
									
They keep_—they keep going at it for a long time. [Elliott laughs.]_
stuart
									
So she_—her mother’s, like, “Oh, amazing! I need to meet this man!” Uh, and Lisa’s like, “Of course! We can have dinner tomorrow!” And her mom’s, like, “No, no, no. I have a plane booked in the afternoon.” [Laughs.] [Dan laughs loudly. Elliott joins in.] Don’t—that’s—that’s strange. Uh…“I have a plane booked in the afternoon; let’s meet in the morning.” Uh…Lisa’s like, oh, that’s—that’s—I can’t do that, obviously, because Prince at this point would be a dog. Let me state the rules. Um, but then Rita’s, like, “Oh no, uh, we can—_we can change that booking,” ‘cause I guess Rita’s also her mother’s travel agent?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. It’s, like, a needless complication of the plot. [Stuart laughs.] Stuart: Uh-huh. Elliott: She’s_—_she’s kind of a jack-of-all-trades.
elliott
									
You get_—you kind of get the feeling that the mom is not the best at taking care of herself? She gives a speech to Lisa about how, like, “I know I have a history of bad men and that’s influenced you to be afraid of other men” and things like—she—you know, this mother’s carrying a lot of—_carrying a lot of backstory baggage.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Uh, and so_—_but they agree to this dinner, and we, uh, the dinner’s held at a restaurant. It’s shot, uh, there’s a lot of awkward scenes of people slowly eating their food.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] There’s a lot of synchronized fork movements? As all four of the people at the table take a bite at the exact same time in-between lines of dialogue? [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
The, uh, Rita and Lisa’s mother are very aggressively pushing, uh, for information. Like, what does he_—what does Prince do for money, uh, and of course they have to—they come up with a, uh, lie that they say at the exact same time and they both mess up. Uh, Lisa and Rita’s mother are—Lisa’s mother and Rita are trying to push for them to get married tomorrow. Uh, at the license bureau. I don’t know. This is a—I felt like this scene was, uh, you know, kind of the center point of the movie? [Laughs.]_
dan
									
Oh, okay. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh yeah, yeah. It was an intricate play of words and, uh, character moments. But there’s—
stuart
									
And_—and—_there’s a feeling of, like, if…if they aren’t able to show up and get married at the courthouse tomorrow at 10:00 AM, that there’s something clearly suspicious about, uh, about Prince, a man they just met.
elliott
									
Uh, the problem though, is Prince doesn’t have an ID. He is undocumented, or should I say… un-dog-umented.
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: [In perfect sync] You shouldn’t say that.
stuart
									
Uh…I do love the idea that, uh— [Elliott laughs.] I do love_—there was this scene where, uh, where Prince and Lisa are in the car, talking about their options. And Prince is like, “Uh, well we could just elope! Or we could go to Vegas!” And [through laughter] she’s like, “Prince—you don’t have an ID.” [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs again.] Oh, that was great. Um… yeah. So obviously this is the, uh, I—_I like that they’re exploring some of the challenges that this, uh, fantastical situation sets up.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Oh yeah, they’ve thought it all out.
stuart
									
So now [breaks off, laughing] so now, uh…Rita shows up_—so, you know, they—they—they turn ‘em down, and Rita shows up to the house. Uh, and she—she has this, like, strange—and she shows up to Lisa’s house with a strange story. It’s like in the morning, and she’s like, “There’s trouble with my car” or like, “I got lost and I got dizzy, and I need somebody to drive somebody to the airport”—it’s—and—and—uh, it’s—the most obviously made up fake story that I’ve ever heard. And Lisa is—is like, “Okay, well I guess the only option is for me to drive your car; Rita, you stay here, and Prince, I don’t know—_uh, stay here too?” But, like, the clock’s ticking. He’s about to turn into a dog any moment now.
elliott
									
Which means this is, like, pre-dawn.
stuart
									
Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Uh, so—
elliott
									
This is_—this is after—_this is after he failed to show up to get married and then, as a dog, wandered off saying, “Kung-pao” over and over again.
stuart
									
Uh…[breaks off, laughing] yeah. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Which_—which fits into Dan’s theory that they just hired someone who had not seen the movie to just speak over the dog which—[laughs]_ But okay. So. She’s gonna leave, and Rita’s there with Prince.
stuart
									
So Prince_—like—Prince is nervous; uh, Lisa leaves. And Prince turns around and Rita is immediately searching the apartment. She’s tossing the apartment. She then begins to, like, kind of attack Prince to try to get information out of him; find out where he works, what he does. He’s too mysterious. Prince runs away while Rita chases after him. He starts to slowly morph into a dog-and by morph, I mean, like…a tail is sticking out of his pants— [Elliott laughs.] He runs into a restaurant—_
elliott
									
It’s not exactly An American Werewolf in London, is what you’re saying. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
No. He runs into a werewolf_—they—they only had, uh, time for one amazing dog transformation effect, and that is later on in the movie. Uh…he runs into a—a restroom in a restaurant. Uh, Rita chases after him, and when she opens the door, a dog runs out and there’s a pile of clothes sitting in the corner. Uh…Rita talks to Lisa and says, you know, “I saw—I saw Prince turn into a dog.” And Lisa’s like— [Elliott laughs.] —“You saw him turn into a dog?!” And she’s like, “That’s the only explanation for it. I didn’t actually see it, but…c’mon. Man goes into a—_a bathroom, dog runs out?”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Clothes left behind? Stuart: Uh, yeah. Elliott: Either there’s a naked man in the_—in the vents—in the air ducts. Dan: Now what—what— Stuart: Scott McCloud explained it. That you—your mind fills in the blanks between the veils. [Elliott laughs wildly.] Dan: Yeah. [Elliott continues laughing.]_
dan
									
What if—[laughs.] What if this turned into, like, took a sharp left turn into film noir at this point? And Rita just starts blackmailing, uh, them to not reveal that he's a dog? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
“I'll tell your mom that he's a dog! If you don't”_—_I mean, that'd be one of those things where it's like, "Go ahead. No one's gonna believe you. It's crazy."
stuart
									
Yeah. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
"We can't take that chance, Lisa! We can't take that chance! We've gotta give Rita the money, or...kill Rita." And then, uh, he kills Rita_—does he kill her as a man, or as a dog? 'Cause either way, he could be out in public as the other form—_or does Lisa do it? And they're like, "Uh, Lisa, you should've let me kill her because I would have more deniability ‘cause I could do it as a dog." Anyway, they're on the run is the important thing, and the police are on the lookout for a woman with a dog, so they can only travel at night 'cause she's not a woman with a dog at night. She's a woman with a man. I call it: They Live by Night.
dan
									
[Laughs.] Great.
stuart
									
Uh...we learn that in Lisa's house, that she has a drawer just full of, uh, various actors' in the movie's headshots? Uh, that's odd. [Elliott laughs.] Uh_—uh—so—_
elliott
									
Is this when she tells Rita to get out of her life?
stuart
									
Yeah. I think she_—she tells Rita to get out of her life. And she approaches Prince [Elliott laughs.] —uh, where she thinks—the—I think—_is it around now where she suggests to Prince that...uh...that they need to have a baby together?
elliott
									
Yeah. It's at_—Prince—Prince sings his song, his immortal song, "I will never make my goal"? As he wanders the town? Going [singing] "I will never make my goal!” [Dan laughs.]_ “I will never make my goal!" And then she says, "There's only one option. We have to have a child."
stuart
									
And_—Prince is distraught by this, and Lisa doesn't understand why. She's like, "What—what could—_what could be causing all this trouble? Do you not love me?" And of course the reason is because...he's a half-man, half-dog. Like...what do you...
dan
									
Mm-hm. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
What do you—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It's just like, if you want a bouncing baby Warg, then yes. Stuart: Mm-hm. Elliott: Maybe we can do this. But...
stuart
									
Yeah. Uh…yeah_—they—they deal with a bunch of other basic relationship bullshit. Lisa starts to be a little emotionally manipulative? And she, uh, she pressures, uh, she pressures Prince into going to a "work lunch," uh— [Elliott laughs.] Her boss is throwing a work lunch on his veranda—during the afternoon—_yeah.
elliott
									
Oh, that's right. This is the owner of the store. The owner of the store who we have not met before.
stuart
									
No.
elliott
									
This is after_—I just want to make—_mention, there's like a little plot cul-de-sac as they're gonna to go together to see an exhibit of Chinese fossil statues?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
But...no dogs allowed. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
So...Prince is nervous about, uh, making any kind of plans during the afternoon, but Lisa's like, "No, it's gonna be_—it's gonna be cloudy;" as soon as it's cloudy she commits— [Elliott laughs.] She pressures Prince into going with her—_
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Through laughter] She's like_—she—she—she's like, "It's gonna be cloudy with a chance of meatballs; so even if you turn into a dog you'll love it." Stuart: Mm-hm. It’ll be happy. Dan: So two things: this is—_this is apparently a new rule.
dan
									
I didn't know that this was a sun-based transformation and not a day-and-night-based transformation. But also—
stuart
									
Yeah, I think the pond explained that part. That if_—if the sun is occluded by clouds— [Elliott laughs.]_
dan
									
Yeah, but also, like, we see them at this luncheon and, uh, you know, it's pretty bright. It's one of these cloudy days that's, uh, achieved by throwing a_—_a filter over the camera.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Elliott: It's one of these cloudy days that's achieved by having the characters talk about how cloudy it is— Dan: [Laughs.] Yeah. Elliott: _—_regardless of the surroundings.
stuart
									
Which is_—and what I love is that on this, uh, very cloudy day, they've decided to still, uh, "Just fuck it; let's eat outside." [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]_
elliott
									
Yeah, next to the pool on the veranda.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Uh, this scene has maybe the best dialogue in the whole movie? Just the_—the boss and his family talking? It is so obviously written by someone who is not familiar with, like, American idioms? Necessarily? Uh—_
stuart
									
Mm-hm. He's_—he's complaining—he’s complaining about his kids, where, uh—_
elliott
									
He's like_—he's like, "My kids don't have any interest in running the stores!" And his daughter says, "I'm a medical doctor." [Laughs.] Uh—and— [Dan and Stuart both laugh.]_
dan
									
Uh, it's great.
elliott
									
And uh_—but he wants—_but he wants to promote Lisa to manager. Right?
stuart
									
Yeah, he says, "I'm thinking about promoting you, and some of the other guys." [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
So he has this_—he has this whole plan, uh, and she's obviously very excited about this 'cause this is a big promotion. Um, and lunch wraps up; Prince is sitting at a side table with the son of the manager, uh, and Lisa is walking around the other side of the pool, uh, you know, hashing out some of the details, I'm assuming, when, uh, the sun comes out and Prince immediately [breaks off, laughing] immediately Animorphs into a dog. [Elliott laughs.] Uh—[breaks off, laughing]—and—and the kid shouts, "Dad! Prince just became a dog!" [Laughs.] [Dan and Elliott laugh.]_
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh, and Lisa falls in the pool, she's so_—she's so horrified, and Prince saves her while being really verbally abusive, and that's— Dan: Yeah! Elliott: —when it has my other favorite line in the movie: "You pizza-face cinderblock!" [Dan and Stuart laugh.]_
elliott
									
Which makes no sense.
stuart
									
The…now_—do you think she was, in her head she's like "If I make a big enough scene, nobody's gonna notice" [through laughter] "that Prince just became a dog." [Elliott laughs.]_
elliott
									
[Through laughter] They'll just remember this as the day Lisa fell in the pool, not the day Lisa's boyfriend turned into a dog. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Okay. So this scene wraps up as soon as the two of them climb out of the pool. We don't know actually if there's any fallout. Uh...we see them, like, kind of toying over the troubles of their relationship. Uh, they're playing with a chair in Lisa's house that is a giant hand, that I have not seen before?
elliott
									
[Elliott laughs] Yeah_—it's—it's basically the chair that, uh, that—_that Buster is sitting in in Arrested Development, right? That big hand chair?
crosstalk
									
Stuart and Dan: Yeah.
stuart
									
And, uh, this is when Prince explains that there's, uh, might be another option: to die and be reborn— [breaks off, laughing] [Elliott laughs loudly] Uh, which Lisa's not up for, for whatever reason. I dunno. What a wimp. He leaves her a "Dear John" note, and he runs off. Uh, it's written on green stationary or a green napkin. Uh, she_—Lisa doesn't take it well. Uh, Prince runs and talks to the pond; he explains that, y'know, it's just not gonna work out. [Elliott chuckles.]_ Uh, he's tried everything he could possibly think of, and the pond's like, "What are you talking about? Why don't you guys just stay together?" And he's like, "Oh yeah!"
elliott
									
[Laughs.] The pond's like, "You have to work out your problems."
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And it's like_—at this point, the pond is just the—_is just, Prince's, like, "Wilson," from Home Improvement?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Like_—_or Wilson from Castaway, for that matter! [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Basic_—_basically a magical therapist that you don't have to pay.
elliott
									
Yeah. Oh, if only. But you do have to state your problems out loud in front of everybody at a park_—_public park at night.
stuart
									
Uh_—I don't—_I don't think the dog is speaking out loud. I could be wrong.
elliott
									
So you're saying this is a telepathic pond?
stuart
									
Yes.
elliott
									
Stuart, some things push my_—my— [Dan chuckles.] —push—_push my, uh, accepted disbelief too far. I can only suspend my disbelief so far. Magic pond with CGI glitter that turns men into dogs to teach 'em a lesson? Yes. Telepathic ponds? Uh, I no think so.
stuart
									
So the pond was the thing that turned him into a dog in the first place?
crosstalk
									
Dan: That is unclear. Elliott: I mean no other explanation is given. 
elliott
									
I mean, it's_—I mean—_and you don't need an explanation! Groundhog Day doesn't have an explanation, right?
dan
									
Right.
stuart
									
No, I guess you're right. You're right.
elliott
									
Right? 'Cause they cut out that scene where his ex-girlfriend casts a voodoo curse on him.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
So maybe this_—_and so maybe she saw Groundhog Day and she was like, "Well, if Harold Ramis can get away with it, I can get away with it."
stuart
									
Mm-hm. So, uh, Prince realizes that he was wrong; Lisa runs out looking for Prince; the two of them are running toward each other. Uh, Prince crosses the road without looking both ways, and unfortunately is hit and killed by a car.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Now here's my question: when they_—when they—when she buries him in a box, cause he's a dog— Dan: Yup. Elliott: At night does his body turn into a man's body and break through the box— Dan: Oh. Elliott: —_and then like grow and shrink until he rots away forever?
stuart
									
Um, I mean, I feel like_—I feel like the real shame—the almost cosmic shame—is that, when he is hit and killed, that he doesn't—he doesn't at least get the dignity to die as a man. [Someone laughs.]_
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. that's true_—no, he stays a dog. He stays a— Stuart: He has to die as a dog. And also, like—_
stuart
									
I would've_—this scene would've been much less troubling if I saw the actor who was playing, uh, Prince, uh, on the ground, covered in blood, than a poor dog on the ground covered in blood. Like [through laughter] I don't want to see that ever! [Laughs.]_
elliott
									
No, although the_—_although the dog does look like a dog who is just taking a nap with some fake blood on his head.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
He's not even playing dead. He's not even on his back with his feet up in the air.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. Uh… [laughs] Okay. Now, guys_—here’s the—here’s the—here’s the important point. Elliott: Now, Stuart is—are—are you—are [breaks off, laughing] I—I don’t—you gotta—_you gotta prepare the audience for what’s comin’ next.
stuart
									
So…it feels like the movie’s over, but no, no, no! We get a new title card. It says: Years Later. [Elliott laughs.] How many? Oh, we’ll find out.
elliott
									
[Laughs] Now you might be expecting two_—_like in the Brats movie_—_three, four, maybe?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Oh, boy. Expand your idea of what “years later” can mean.
stuart
									
So. We…uh, we have an exterior shot of Lisa’s apartment. It says “Apartment for Rent.” What has happened? We’ll find out. Paula arrives with a large family in tow, who we learn later are her grandchildren. [Elliott laughs.] Uh…
elliott
									
And they’re, like, adolescents.
stuart
									
They are_—it is a shocking revelation because she—other than dressing slightly more dowdy—she, uh, she just has a slight greying to her hair. [Elliott laughs.]_
dan
									
Yeah. As does Lisa. The_—_these elderly, apparently, women are being designated just by: they sprayed some silver into their hair.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s like_—it’s like when a kid plays an old person in a high school play— Dan: Yeah. Elliott: —_and they just put flour in their hair. Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Like, that’s what this is.
stuart
									
Uh, and_—_do they specify that it’s been forty years?
elliott
									
I don’t remember if they ever say the amount of time, but it must be something like that.
stuart
									
Uh, so…Paula and Lisa have_—have not talked since their friend’s breakup years ago. Uh, they catch up a little bit; obviously, uh, let bygones be bygones. They sit in a, uh, strangely-lit dark room where they’re, uh, with heavy shadows and they, uh—Lisa has clearly revealed her, uh, her history and her relationship and all the magical properties of her relationships with—with Prince? And she’s showing, uh—_
elliott
									
She_—she’s showing—she’s showing her a photo album, yeah, oh no. [Inaudible.]_
stuart
									
Showing her the_—the photo album of murder photos that we’d mentioned before. Uh… [Elliott laughs.]_
elliott
									
And_—and the pictures of her with Prince as a man are on alternate pages with the pictures of her with Prince as a dog? [Laughs.] [Dan laughs enthusiastically. All three of them continue laughing for some time.]_
stuart
									
Uh…so…they start to speculate now. Like, what are the rules? If he died then, perhaps he is reincarnated and she could just find him again! How many years has it been? Would it be in dog years or man years? There’s all these possible options!
elliott
									
And Paula_—has—said—Paula says, “No, his age would restart from the day he died. He’d be much younger than you.” And—_but she says that as if, like, well, that’s common knowledge. Come on, Lisa. How do you not know that.
stuart
									
Uh-huh! But Lisa hadn’t even considered that possibility! Her mind is blown!
stuart
									
Uh… [laughs.] We then have an_—_we have a new scene where a young man arrives at the apartment for rent.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Uh…at first his face is obscured; who could this young man be with tousled hair?! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Although his hair is different in this scene.
stuart
									
His hair is different. Uh, because he’s, I guess, a different kind of dog.
dan
									
[Laughs.] Yeah.
stuart
									
We find out_—that is young—_that is Prince! Prince has returned from the dead, and he is exactly the same age as he used to be, except his hair is different! And he has full memories of his life!
stuart
									
He explains that he has a successful career as_—huh—you guessed it—_a dog trainer!
elliott
									
[Laughs.] And he’s like…”Did you put that notice in the paper that your apartment is for rent to catch my attention?” And she’s like, “Yes.” And it seems there would be a much more straightforward way to…try to contact somebody than to be like, “I’ll put my apartment for rent and I’ll just hope they show up.”
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Well also, she’s like, “Why didn’t you find me earlier?” And he’s_—he basically is just like, “You don’t wanna know.” And the movie just handwaves it away. [Elliott laughs.]_
stuart
									
Uh…so they are, uh, they_—_they embrace. Magical dust falls from the sky; uh, they spin around in circles and they are getting married in her, I guess backyard?
elliott
									
But_—_but what happens to Prince’s hair? With the magical dust?
stuart
									
Prince’s hair_—Prince’s hair gets old and grey, but then as they spin around, they both get young again? It’s very strange. [Elliott laughs.]_
dan
									
Yes.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] It doesn’t make any sense.
stuart
									
We have a scene of—
dan
									
Before they got young again, by the way, like when it just looked like he was gonna get old? I was very worried about his dog training, uh, uh, business, ‘cause I—
stuart
									
Yup.
dan
									
_—I figured that he would go back, try and, uh, take, you know, like, take his rightful place as the head of this business and they’d be like, “Get outta here, old man! You don’t own this business!” Anyway. [Elliott laughs.]_
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, I mean, ‘cause he looks so incredibly different. [Laughs.] Dan: That’s a_—_that was a little cul-de-sac, but. Elliott: Yeah. Sure. Yeah. 
elliott
									
And that_—the dogs would be like, “You used to smell like young people things, but now you smell—_smell like Gold Bond powder! And Metamucil!”
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
“Get outta here!”
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Yup.
stuart
									
Uh, because in the_—_forty years in the future, people will still be using those two products.
elliott
									
I mean…possibly! I_—_I also imagine that he turns old and he’s like, “What did you do to me?! You stole my life away!”
stuart
									
Uh-huh.

									
“I didn’t get to grow old! I_—_I died, remember? You’ve just stolen years off my life!” And Lisa’s like, “But now we can be together!” And he’s like “Get away from me, you old lady!” And runs away.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Uh…
elliott
									
But no. They both get young again, right? As they’re getting married?
stuart
									
They_—they—yeah. So we have a scene of them, like, in, uh, in like a backyard, uh, that is dressed up for a wedding. It—they spin around in circles as magic dust, uh, drops on their head, and they awkwardly kiss in a repetitive manner, and it looks kinda like a loading screen. Uh… [Elliott laughs.]_
elliott
									
And they_—they—they smile at the camera like a couple of sinister vampires. [Laughs.] [Dan and Stuart laugh.]_
stuart
									
And then we get, of course, the_—_the end title card. So that was Love on a Leash, guys! Did I miss anything else?
dan
									
Well, there’s_—there’s not “bloops,” per se, but there are, um, some things during the credits just showing the dog training, I guess. [Laughs.]_
stuart
									
A_—_a brief moment of dog training. When I realize, oh, most of the times when there’s no, uh, where the sound just cut out completely? They were just awkwardly editing out the dog training commands!
crosstalk
									
[Laughs.] They were directing the dog during those moments. Uh…this is a movie that, I feel like, we somehow only_—_even though we went through it in extreme detail, only scratched the surface of how strange and off-puttingly put together it is? 
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And how amateurishly made it is? Uh…
stuart
									
We barely talked about the_—_the symbolism of the green and pink color choices?
elliott
									
And how, between almost every scene, the transition shot is the same footage of ducks on the pond? No matter how far away we are from the pond at that moment—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
That’s just, like, how we transition from one scene to another is with those_—_that image of ducks?
dan
									
Yeah. It is baffling to me that this is available on Amazon Prime?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Like, I know that they just, like, go out and get, like, as much content as they can to have this huge library? But_—_you know. Whatever small licensing fee was paid for _Love on a Leash_—
stuart
									
If—
dan
									
Is_—_it’s just crazy that this is widely available to basically the whole world.
stuart
									
It_—it feels like this movie was made partly as a scam? Uh…and that’s why there’s no sound—like, a scam intending to make a feature-length film that can be chopped up into smaller segments and used as the video, uh, background video for karaoke? [Dan laughs loudly. Elliott laughs.]_
elliott
									
Yeah, you know what? That’s_—that’s what it feels like. It feels like a—_a feature-length adaptation of a karaoke video. Yeah.
dan
									
Alright. So…I think we’re in it already, but_—_is this a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie you kinda like? This is called Final Judgments!
stuart
									
Okay. Oh, wow. Uh…yeah, this is a good bad movie. Uh, it’s totally crazy. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Laughs.] Yeah, if— Dan: [Laughs.] Yeah, I_—_yeah, I agree.
dan
									
I mean, you do have to, uh…suffer through some_—some awkward scenes of attempted sexual assault, but they are very fast. The rest of it is so fuckin’ weird that, uh, it’s—_it’s worth checking out of you are into that kind of thing.
elliott
									
I would say every scene that touches on a hot-button issue or a traumatic thing is handled in such a strangely…ham-handed and, uh, unnatural way that hopefully it would, uh, dull the impact of them. ‘Cause certainly, the characters seem to exist in a…a literally soundless void.
dan
									
Yes.
elliott
									
Where emotions make no sense, actions have little-to-no consequences— [Dan laughs.] And you are never more than a minute away from a dog singing a song about nothing.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
It’s_—yeah. It’s, like, it’s—it’s a—can be a grueling journey if you were to take this on your own. [Elliott laughs.] Like, I don’t—_I don’t recommend anyone just sitting down and popping this in. Uh…but, yeah. I feel like it would be a fun party movie.
music
									
[Up-tempo electric guitar.]
promo
									
[Rock guitar and drum.] April Wolfe: Genre film fans, hear me_—_I know you’re out there! Do not be ashamed of your love for gore, action, sci-fi, or fantasy! It’s time to come out of the shadows! Because on Switchblade Sisters, we celebrate our love for genre films! I’m film critic April Wolfe. Each week I have a conversation with a different female filmmaker about their fave genre film, and we cover film craft, getting projects off the ground, working with actors, and our general love for genre movies. I’ve had so many great guests, like Heather Graham. Heather Graham: In the past, it’s like so many films were made by men that the female point of view is not always respected, which is why all these stories haven’t come out ‘til now! April: Jennifer’s Body director, Karyn Kusama. Karyn Kusama: I think there’s a lot more fantasy and a lot more expectation projected onto a woman director. April: Comedian and actor, Kate Berlant. Kate Berlant: I mean, it sounds so cheesy to talk about it in yourself, like, “You just keep going! You’re_—you know, I’m just a vessel! Like, I—_I just do it, you know! I don’t think,” but like, that is what it is. April: And many others! So check out Switchblade Sisters every Thursday on MaximumFun.org, or wherever you get your podcasts! [Music fades out.]
promo
									
[Strumming acoustic guitar.] Announcer: Hey! Thanks for coming. Three voices overlapping: Thank you. Thank you. Thanks. Announcer: These are real podcast listeners, not actors! We took the identifying marks off this podcast. Just… tell me your impressions. Speaker 1: It’s really sexy. Speaker 2: My first thought is, like, Radiolab? Speaker 3: Definitely something popular. Speaker 1: Yeah. Really popular. A hit show. Speaker 2: But funny, too. Like, does Tina Fey have a podcast? Speaker 3: [Stifling laughter] Or the Marx Brothers?
promo
									
Speaker 2: Yeah, is this podcast Radiolab, but hosted by the Marx Brothers? Speaker 1: And sexy? Like Chaude? It reminds me of Chaude. Speaker 3: Exactly. [Stifling laughter.] And they’re all riding in a BMW? Announcer: Close! But not quite. Take a look behind these panels! [Sound of metal doors lifting.] All three listeners: [Gasp!] Announcer: And then watch this rocket blast off into space! [Sound effect of rocket taking off.] Speaker 1: Whoa! Speaker 2: Oooh! [Timer dings.]
promo
									
Announcer: And_—there’s the pies we made you! [Listeners make excited noises.] Announcer: Now. Let’s show you the podcast! [Whooshing noise.]_ All three listeners: Oooooh. Speaker 2: Wow! It was Jordan, Jesse, Go! Speaker 1: Jordan, Jesse, Go!? Announcer: Hold on! [Sounds of metal things falling and clanging.] [Listeners make concerned noises.] Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.
promo
									
Announcer: That…was 514 JD Power & Associates Podcasting Awards! Speaker 2: That was really scary. Speaker 1: But…compelling! Speaker 3: I guess I should definitely subscribe to Jordan, Jesse, Go!. Announcer: Um…yeah. I’d say so. New announcer: Jordan, Jesse, Go!: a real podcast! [Guitar music fades out.]
dan
									
Alright, guys! Let’s move on to our sponsors. _The Flop House_—
stuart
									
Close the book on this Love on a Leash!
dan
									
Yeah. The Flop House is brought to you in part by Arm & Hammer Cloud Control Cat Litter. You know what I love?
stuart
									
Armie Hammer?
dan
									
Armie Hammer? And also, my cat, Archie. He’s, uh—
elliott
									
Archie Hammer.
dan
									
He’s a delight. Stuart knows it. Uh…uh…Archie loves me, but adores Stuart. Whenever he comes over, Archie will—
stuart
									
I mean—
dan
									
Archie will…be all over him, pushing his face into Stuart’s. Um—
elliott
									
How did_—how did this ad for cat litter turn into a passive-aggressive attack on Archie’s preference for Stuart? [Dan and Stuart laugh.]_
dan
									
I would_—I wouldn’t say preference. He—I—I—he’s happy to see Stuart. ‘Cause Stuart’s not around as much. I don’t know. I—_
elliott
									
So is this an ad for Stuart, like you should get Stuart for your cats?
dan
									
[Laughs.] I’m just talking—
stuart
									
I mean, I don’t think it’s a bad idea. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
I’m just talking about how lovable Archie is to set up the fact that, you know— [Stuart laughs.] _—as lovable as Archie is—_
elliott
									
But at night he turns into a man?
dan
									
[Through laughter] As lovable as Archie is, it’s not, uh, a fun thing to clean up after him! To handle his poop, and, uh—
stuart
									
His waste?
dan
									
His, uh…congealed pee. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] But that’s why Arm & Hammer—
elliott
									
Dan, I don’t think you’re cleaning it up fast enough. [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.] If it’s congealing.
dan
									
I_—that’s what litter does. It, uh, you know, it clumps it up. Which is why Arm & Hammer created new Cloud Control Litter—no cloud of nasties here, just 100% dust free! Free of heavy perfumes, and helps reduce—_reduce airborne dander from scooping. So what happens in the litterbox…stays in the litterbox.
stuart
									
So does it_—does it have a feature in there that, uh, when the cat is done using the box, it doesn’t immediately run away screaming? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs quietly.]_
dan
									
Is that a thing that cats do?
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Cats, like, as soon as they finish they, like, run off and make_—well, I mean my cats make—_
dan
									
Screaming?
stuart
									
Well my cats make_—my cats are—_my cats are very vocal.
elliott
									
Yeah, ‘cause they’re ashamed of what they’ve done.
dan
									
Okay. Well— [Elliott laughs.] Just to— [breaks off, laughing.] Just to finish this—
elliott
									
Yeah, so_—so it’s more like, when someone yells, like, “Mail call!” On an army base, your—_your cats just, like, “Poop here! Lord of the poop! Poop up!”
dan
									
Just_—_just to finish this read. New Cloud Control Cat Litter by Arm & Hammer: More Power to You. Uh…so…should we do some plugs for ourselves?
stuart
									
Yeah, why not?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, wait, should we do_—sorry— Stuart: Plugs— Dan: Jumbotrons! We’ve got some Jumbotrons! I forgot. Elliott: Let’s—_let’s do Jumbotrons, Dan.
elliott
									
I know you’re sick and also you turn into a dog at night—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
_—_so you kind of forgot the Jumbotrons. Let's do Jumbotrons!
dan
									
Yeah he_—_okay.
stuart
									
[Dramatic announcer voice] Ohhh…kay! J-J-J-Jumbotrons!
stuart
									
Did you ever wish there was a movie review podcast that reviewed insane roleplaying games from history? Instead of movies? No?! [Laughs.] Shoot. That’s $200 wasted. Jeff and John examine the oddities of RPG history, and somehow, get real personal about it too, on System Mastery. They’ve already reviewed more than 150 different games from the 70s to today, and new episodes come out every two weeks. So…check out the System Mastery podcast on iTunes, or Stitcher, or just visit SystemMasteryPodcast.com!
elliott
									
Sounds great.
stuart
									
If you’re like me, a real RPG freak! [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Uh, this Jumbotron message is for Holly, the best mom in the world, and it’s from Malissa_—I hope I’m pronouncing that correctly—and the message is: “Hi, Mom! By the time you hear this, you’ll be breast cancer-free! To celebrate your recovery, I got you a message from the peaches. I’m so thankful and so blessed to have a mother like you, and so happy you’re healthy again. Hopefully Elliott won’t sing a letter song, because I know you don’t like them, even though I do. Love, your daughter Malissa.” Well I feel like now I have to not sing a letter song. It feels like it would be a—you know, I don’t know. Guys? Or should I just go against, uh, what this person likes or doesn’t like? Anyway. It doesn’t matter. I’m gonna dish—_
stuart
									
Oh. You’re, uh, you’re uh, you’re asking our preferences? [Laughs.] On the song? [Dan and Elliott both laugh.]
elliott
									
Uh, good point. Good point. I shouldn’t ask. Uh, Holly, I’m so glad you’re healthy, too, and that’s wonderful. What a nice message.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uhmm…alright. Stuart: Two lovely messages. Time for plugs!
dan
									
Yep. Um, we’ve still got some live shows coming up. Elliott, why don’t you tell us about those if you can?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: That’s right! Yeah, we got_—the day this episodes comes out, I believe— Stuart: Uh-huh. Elliott: —_will be September 28th, 2019. 
elliott
									
We’ll be in Buh-Buh-Buh-Boston, or technically, Buh-Buh-Buh-Brookline. At WBUR City Space, we’re doing two shows_—_the 7 PM show, Alita: Battle Angel is sold out. But the 9:45 PM, _Godzilla: King of the Monsters__—I think we still have some tickets available. So! Come on down, September 28th, come on down tonight if you’re listening to this on the day of release—_
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
_—and hear us talk about the king of the monsters: that’s right—_Alita!
stuart
									
Mm-hm!
elliott
									
But also, Godzilla. Uh…on October 12th, a few weeks later, we’ll be in Los Angeles at the Regent Theater talking about Dark Phoenix. So, September 28th_—today!—_try and come see our Boston late show.
stuart
									
Yep.
elliott
									
The early show is sold out. October 12th, Los Angeles, come and see us talk. And those tickets are available at FlopHousePodcast.com/events. I will say for Boston? We do PowerPoints before each show; I will have two new presentations, one for each show. So if you want to see two new ones for Boston that I will probably never do again, because they are incredibly Boston-specific—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
_—_come to both shows.
dan
									
Oh, and Elliott, I know you were worried about this, uh_—_on the last episode you said we’ll probably be signing before each show; we haven’t confirmed with the venue that that’s okay because of the tight schedule? But if it does happen, it will be before each show.
elliott
									
Yeah. So just_—uh—get—_give yourself a little bit of time in case we’re signing merchandise. We, uh, we’ll hopefully have time to do that. But yeah, I didn’t want to make any promises that I couldn’t keep. I didn’t want to write any checks my body couldn’t cash.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Dan: With that body? Stuart: Uh-huh. Dan: I don’t think there are any checks it couldn’t cash, Elliott. Stuart: Oh, wow! Elliott: I mean…big checks, ‘cause it’s a very small body.
stuart
									
Wow, Dan’s really, uh…Dan’s really bigging us up today! He’s talking about my, uh, my_—_my cat magic, and your, uh, your bod!
elliott
									
My body magic! Yeah!
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Uh—
elliott
									
Oh, did I tell you guys about my new_—_my self-help book, Body Magic?
stuart
									
No! What’s it about?
elliott
									
Well, a lot of us forget that we’re not just a person_—_we’re also a body!
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And inside every body is magic! So—
stuart
									
Oh, no kidding!
elliott
									
It’s all about unlocking the magic inside you. For instance, Dan, what would you tell me? What would you_—_if I said, “Dan, there’s magic inside ya,” What would you say?
dan
									
Uh…I would say, “Get that_—_get that shit outta me, man!”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, that’s a weird view. Dan: It’s like—[through laughter] it’s like_—you know, I feel like [laughs] I feel like—get a knife and cut me open. Get it out. [Laughs.] No, I don’t want that in there. Who knows what it’s doing? Elliott: That’s not the reaction I was hoping for for my—from the people that I’m wanting to sell the book to. I was hoping more of an excitement—excitement and celebration that there’s magic inside you. [Laughs.] Okay. Maybe I shouldn’t release the book. Uh—let’s just—let’s just move on to the next segment, then. I’ve—I’ve gotta talk to the publisher. I think we made a big mistake. [Laughs.] [Dan chuckles.]_
dan
									
So the next segment is “Letters From Listeners.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean, that’s_—you just took uh, you know, a tar—like a small sample of your target audience and got a negative response; I feel like you could— Dan: Yeah. You—I—_ Stuart: —you could spread that around a little more.
elliott
									
I don’t know_—well, Stuart—_what would you say if I said you have magic inside your body?
stuart
									
I’d go “Ahh! Get it out of me!” [Dan and Elliott both laugh.]
elliott
									
Okay. This is not good. So far, 100% in my poll [through laughter] said “Don’t let the magic in them.” Oh, boy. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Uh, so moving on to “Letters from Listeners.” First letter we have received—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
_—_is from Tucker, last name withheld.
stuart
									
Carlson must die?
dan
									
“My question for you is”—
elliott
									
Uh, wait.
crosstalk
									
[Stuart laughing throughout.] Dan: Tucker_—no, it’s not Carlson. Tucker Carlson is the—Fox guy—uh. Elliott: Tucker—Tucker Carlson is the—I mean, I would prefer if he was not on television, but I would not like to wish death on anybody. Uh, you’re thinking of—uh, is it—Tucker—_what was that movie? Uh…
dan^
									
Oh. Uh—John Tucker Must Die? Is that it?
elliott
									
No, I don’t think_—_no, that’s John Dies At The End, that I think you’re thinking of. Hold on, let me look this up.
dan
									
Uh—
stuart
									
Let’s just_—let’s just—_let’s just assume that my booze-addled brain has messed this one up. And hopefully, I’ve not gotten us into legal trouble!
elliott
									
I just—[laughs.] I just wanna say that Stuart is not, uh, in any way, uh, John_—_it was John Tucker Must Die! You’re right, Dan.
dan
									
[Cheering.] Woo-woo! Air horns!
elliott
									
Uh, Stuart is not in any way advocating the death of somebody he disagrees with politically…I assume?
stuart
									
[Laughs.] No, I am not advocating that. Well, yeah. I’m not advocating that at all. No. I_—I just—clearly messed up movie titles. [Laughs.] [Dan and Elliott laugh.]_
crosstalk
									
Dan: Alright. Well, anyway, uh…Tucker Last-Name-Withheld_—maybe—Tucker Carlson? Who knows? Elliott: So why—_why was it that John Tucker had to die? I don’t understand.
stuart
									
Yeah, Dan. What happened in the movie?
dan
									
He was_—_he was dating three women at the same time, um, and they all found out.
elliott
									
Oh, so you’re saying Archie Andrews is just one woman away from having to die.
dan
									
That’s true. Yeah. Uh…: “Good day, Peaches! My question for you is this: What are the Peaches’ desert island discs? In other words, if the Floppers got Castaway’d, which three albums would they hope to find in a FedEx box washed up on shore? Or if Dan decides that would take too long, which one album would you listen to with an anthropomorphized volleyball?” Uh, and also, he’s a_—_uh, he has a P.S. here for…Mmmelliatallica?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
“And other metalheads of the house.” I mean, I would go to Stu first, but I guess both of you. “I want to recommend a solid thrash record made by Australia’s premier weirdos, King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard”—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Elliott: I love any name that rhymes that much! Dan: —“titled _Infest the Rats_—” [Laughs.] “Titled Infest the Rats Nest.”
dan
									
“Half despair over the inevitable environmental calamities to come; half narrative about some Earthlings who get exiled to Venus; one whole buncha catchy thrash tunes.” But um…
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
That’s just a side recommendation.
stuart
									
Yeah. Yeah. I didn’t know we were at recommendations already.
dan
									
Well, I mean…
stuart
									
Okay, Dan, what are your desert island [dramatic voice] duh-duh-duh-discs? Pick three! Or die.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh…uh, Abbey Road? My favorite of the Beatles’ albums and a nostalgic favorite ‘cause we listened to it in college a lot. Stuart: Uh-huh. Yup. Yup. Uh-huh. Yup. Dan: Uh…_Speak_— Elliott: Yeah, that’s when it came out, right? 
dan
									
Okay. Shut up. Uh, I’m not that old. [Elliott laughs.] Speaking In Tongues, by Talking Heads; um…it’s, you know, it’s hits front_—front to back. A lot of people like a little nervier, earlier stuff, but…I—_I feel like this is a, kind of, a good balance between like the nervy stuff and like, the, sort of, world beat stuff that came later. Like, the funkier, uh, stuff.
stuart^
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
And, uh…Fox Confessor Brings the Flood by Neko Case, who started out kind of as an old country person and then just became…undefinable and wonderful and weird and, uh, she’s got such a beautiful voice. I love it. Those are mine.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Elliott?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh, I think I would wanna have _Judas Priest Unleashed in the East_— Stuart: Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Their kind of live album. There’s a lot of extra studio stuff added, which has some of my favorite versions of some of their songs. Then I think I’d go to the “Hm, I have a Judas thing on there; I guess I have to have a Jesus thing on there”_—_that’s right, the original album of Jesus Christ Superstar, not the Broadway cast album. The original concept album before it was a stage show. And then I think maybe, uh…a recording of the, uh, radio series of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy? The first one?
stuart
									
That sounds great! Those all are technically discs! Uh…I don’t know. I’d probably, uh, let’s say I’ll do, uh…Those Once Loyal by Bolt Thrower? Uh, for obvious reasons. Uh— [Dan laughs. Stuart and Elliott join in.] I’d do…uh, I don’t know. Awaken the Guardian by Fates Warning. Once again, ‘cause, uh, that’s a really awesome album of tunes? And then finally, Hysteria by Def Leppard! An album that’s back-to-back bangers, baby! [Laughs.] [Dan and Elliott laugh.]
elliott
									
That’s a lot of alliteration. You must really love it!
stuart
									
Oh, yeah!
dan
									
Alright. Well this, uh…next letter is from Aaron, last name withheld.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
[Coughs.] Pardon me. Who writes: “Dearest Peaches, I just came upon some startling news that shook my entire world.”
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
“While watching a YouTube video, they made a passing joke about a band from Star Wars called ‘The Jizz Wailers.’ After—”
elliott
									
Well, hold on. The band is called “Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes,” and they are Jizz Wailers. Yes.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
[Unimpressed voice] Cool. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Um…yeah. Uh, “beloved characters such as Max Rebo and Figrin D’an use ‘jizz boxes’ to partake in ‘jizz.’”
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
“Have you ever learned something about a movie_—whether it be lore choice—lore choices, or even real, like”—_Uh, sorry. “Lore choices.”
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
“Or even real-life facts that change your view on a movie that you enjoy. And also, how do I go on in life, knowing this terrible piece of trivia? Yours truly, Aaron [Last Name Withheld]”
stuart
									
Uh, well…with that kind of trivia, you could just, like, I dunno, be on a podcast and make references to it? [Laughs.] Because, uh…it’s a way to say “jizz” a lot?
elliott
									
Which is one of the most popular musical styles in the universe. Yes.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Um, uh, I don’t know. Like…I remember watching, uh, I_—_I saw the, uh, the movie Serenity? [Laughs.] Uh, not the one for the podcast, but the, uh, the one based on the Firefly TV show. I saw that, uh, in the theater, uh, long before I ever actually watched the TV show. So then going back and watching the TV show made me like the, uh, like the movie more. Is that_—that’s kind of like a lore choice. It’s, uh, like, I had, uh, context for what—for the events of the movie and I liked the movie more. And it made me feel bad when, uh—something bad happened to—_happens to one specific character?
dan
									
Uh, okay.
stuart
									
That’s how you don’t spoil something. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Uh…I’m dubious about that fitting into the category that this guy, uh—
stuart
									
Oh, uh. Cool.
elliott
									
Uh-oh, it’s time for a new segment called “Dan McCoy: Letter Judge.” [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
But I’ll move along.
elliott
									
Will Letter Judge Dan McCoy allow it? [Singing] Bum-bum-bump! On the stand, the Honorable Dan McCoy. The guy who chooses the letters, and send them to us too late for us to really think about them much ahead of time. [Singing] Bum-bum-bum-bump. The defendant: Stuart Wellington. He’s just trying to answer the question. A question that_—my apologies to the letter writer—was not super clear to me. [Dan laughs.] [Singing] Bum-bum-bum-bump. Making the noises: Elliot Kalan, a guy who likes to talk and hear himself talk, even though his voice is—objectively—_annoying. How will Judge Dan McCoy rule? The only way to find out is to listen, on Judge Dan McCoy: Letter Judge. [Singing] Bum-bum-bummmm! Bump-buh-da-duh-dah-dum!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [New Jersey-style accent] So, uh…So, uh_—your—your Honor. Your Honor. Do you think I, uh, I answered that question correctly? Elliott: So, Dan— [Laughs.] Dan: [Through laughter] I—I—I’m gonna have to rule that— Stuart: Oh, why you making a face? Do you not like my accent choice? [Elliott laughs.]_
dan
									
Well, I don’t know why you’re playing yourself, but you added an accent.
stuart
									
Oh, ‘cause I’m Li’l Stuart Wellington!
dan
									
[Through laughter] Um…that doesn’t_—_you just repeated your name. I don’t think that was a justification.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] No, I added a “little” in front!
elliott
									
Objection! I object! That’s right, it’s me_—Phoenix Wright. [Laughs.] [Dan and Stuart laugh.]_
stuart
									
Oh, wow. Oh, wow!
elliott
									
The famous fictional character. And I’m objecting!
stuart
									
I hope he’s, uh, I hope he’s representing me!
elliott
									
I’m gonna have to represent Stuart on this one. Your Honor, I object! You are clearly biased in this case! Instead, I’m gonna take this all the way to the highest court in the land_—_literally! It’s time for Marijuana Court, starring: Judge Dan McCoy_—_Dan, you have to get high for this part.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Done. I will_—Yeah. Um, I’m gonna move along ‘cause I’m sick and I want to have this—this terror end. Um— Elliott: So do you wanna—[breaks off, laughing]_
elliott
									
Okay. Well, I did not have a great answer for that question anyway. But did you, Dan?
dan
									
Uh_—no, well, I would say that the—the closest I can think of is when I learned—when I learned that something bad happened on set? It will affect my—_
elliott
									
Yeah.
dan
									
_—_like, like Death Proof, for instance, is a movie that a lot of people rank as Quentin Tarantino’s worst, but I_—_I actually have a lot of fondness for it, as like, this weird…hangout movie that turns into this, like, deconstruction of a horror movie? But um…but to learn that, like, Uma Thurman almost died because of negligence on the set is not great?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Of a previous movie. Elliott: Well, especially_—_yeah, especially strange that she almost died on the set of Death Proof, since she’s not in the film. 
dan
									
Oh, shit! What am I thinking of?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Kill Bill. Elliott: You’re thinking of Kill Bill. Dan: Kill Bill. Elliott: A Quentin Tarantino movie starring Uma Thurman. Dan: You know, ‘cause—‘cause they’re car movies. That’s why, like, I associated them in my head, but that_—that’s not— Elliott: No, I understand. I get it. Stuart: Well—but—I think in a way, like, I think in a way the idea of him following up a movie where he almost killed an actress due to his negligence—_ Dan: Yeah. Thank you for saving me.
stuart
									
Uh…He then_—he then makes a movie about a guy with a, uh, car where the person could never be injured if he’s driving it properly, uh, then killing people with that car is—yeah, and then—_
crosstalk
									
Dan: It’s weird. Elliott: Well—
stuart
									
_—he also puts his, uh, he puts Zoe—_is it Zoe Belle?
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
In…grave danger in one of the_—_one of the craziest car chases in movie history.
dan
									
Yeah. Alright. Well_—that—that—_
elliott
									
And_—and—but then also talks a lot about how, “Well, we used real stunts; we used real cars” to—to—_it’s like he’s daring fate? It’s like a Final Destination thing, where it’s like, “Mmm, Tony Todd, you were too much of a_—_a wimp to kill Uma Thurman on the set of my last movie; will you kill Zoe Belle in this one? Hmm!”
dan
									
Yeah. Alright, so_—since my brain obviously failed me there, I’m just gonna switch over to—_
stuart
									
We_—_we helped!
dan
									
_—_to Twilight Zone: The Movie, where people actually did die, and uh, that was available_—I enjoyed it much as a kid because it was on HBO constantly, but then I learned about that and I’m like, well, uh…maybe I’ll just skip to the…better segments. [Laughs.]_ And, uh…ignore the rest of them.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And then_—and then— Stuart: And uh—I—I mean, and that also like, colors my feelings towards all John Landis movies. [Laughs.]_
dan
									
Yeah. Uh_—uh—uh, very talented, uh…comedy director, but I—yeah. He’s—_he’s obviously…not a great person, to say the least.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
So the, uh_—yet it—it hurts it whenever I’m—when, I mean, especially loving old movies as I do. There’s—everyone has a—a—like, there’s—it’s hard to find someone who is involved in anything that doesn’t have something negative in their background, even if it’s just learning, like, what a right-wing, uh…pro, uh—blacklist person Barbara Stanwyck was? Or something like that? You know, there are all these—all these actors and actresses and filmmakers that I see their movies and I’m like, “Delightful!” And then I learn, behind the scenes, I’m like, “Oh, well they—they were on the wrong side of that one. Hoo boy. Okay. Wow. Ooh. Yikes. [Sharp intake of breath.] Ah! Hoo! Shh! Wow! Oh boy! Well. Swew! [Whistles.] Okay. Wow. Gonna have to—okay. Well, forget—oop-em—ah—well—can I—okay. So—that’s—alright. Great. Ooh. Eesh. Ow. Hoo. Ha. Hee. Hoo. Ha. Hee. Hoo.” [Continues this pattern through next several lines of dialogue.]_
stuart
									
I think, uh…I think Elliott_—Elliott broke down. You might want to reboot him. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] Yup. Yup. He’s—_he’s too hot. There’s uh…his processor is just, oh. It’s way too hot.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Now he’s just doing, like, the background noises from, uh…”Cell Block Tango” in Chicago. [Dan and Stuart laugh.] Elliott: “Ee! Ah. Ooh. Ah. Ooh. Ow. Ee! Hi! Kk! Ooh! Kk! Byew!” Dan: Alright_—enough. [Through laughter.] Enough of this! Alright. [Elliott laughs.]_
dan
									
Uh…so then this last letter’s from Ray, last name withheld, who says: “Hello, gentlemen! So I was mindlessly watching The Sorcerer’s Apprentice the other night, and I came to the scene where Nicholas Cage delivers the line: ‘So unless you’—”
stuart
									
I thought you_—I thought you—_I thought you said, The Sorcerer’s A Princess? And I’m like, “What a much better movie that would have been!” [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Uh…”I came to the scene where Nicolas Cage delivers the line: ‘So unless you want them to turn you into a pig who just loooves physics,’ and I thought that was the best line in this whole bad movie. It got me thinking_—what’s your favorite line or delivery—no, Elliott, I am not referring to a postal scene—_in a otherwise bad movie?”
elliott
									
He’s got me! He’s got me! I love plays on words! Except when Dan’s tweeting them!
dan
									
Army of Darkness is arguably a bad movie_—I will argue with you—uh, only worth watching for the multitude of Ash-isms. Thanks, Ray [Last Name Withheld]_.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Was it, uh…was it in that Red Riding Hood movie where Gary Oldman has that line delivery where he’s just like, “No.” When it’s like, somebody’s asked if he can touch a sword? Elliott: That was the best.
stuart
									
He’s like…”No.” [All laugh.]
dan
									
Gary Oldman also, uh…in, uh, The Professional, when he’s, like, “Get me everyone!” or whatever the line is. Like—
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where he, like, goes full, uh F. Murray Abraham in it?
dan
									
This is not a bad movie, but for me, like, in terms of line delivery, one of my favorite line deliveries that we’ve, uh, we’ve referenced on the show before is from Romancing the Stone. Where at the end, uh, one of the bad guys goes, [melodramatic voice] “Joan Wilder? You_—and your sister—can go!” [Elliott laughs.] And it’s so funny. [Laughs.] That’s the one—_
elliott
									
It’s_—it’s hard, cuz—I—there are so many line deliveries from things where…I am like, “Ah, that was amazing!” And then I go back and re-watch the moment? I’m like, “Oh, that’s not that—it’s actually not that exciting.” There’s, uh, so I don’t wanna pick one and then…go back and look at it again and be like, “Oh, well that—_I really built that up in my mind.”
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
So let’s just say_—_you mentioned Nicolas Cage in Sorcerer’s Apprentice. I’m gonna say, whenever Nicolas Cage is in a bad movie, I love every line that he delivers.
dan
									
Yeah. Alright, well, uh, that letter may have ended in a whimper, but don’t worry! We have one more segment on the show. And that…is recommendations! Of movies that you should watch, probably instead of Love on a Leash, unless you are a bad movie fan, in which case_—_why not watch both? Uh…Stuart. Do you have a recommendation?
stuart
									
I do! Uh…I am going to recommend a movie that is, I think, just wrapping up its limited theatrical run, but it also just popped up on the streaming service Shudder? Uh, I’m recommending the movie, uh, whose English title is Tigers Are Not Afraid; it’s a Spanish-language movie shot in Mexico, I believe? Um, and it’s a bit of a, like a dark fairy tale with horror elements about_—it follows a group of, uh, street children who have been orphaned by the, like, drug war? And the human trafficking? Uh, that seems to plague their city. And…uh, the children have, like, kind of a…a…like a rich, uh…like, internal fantasy that tries to cover up some of the horrors that they experience; um, and…yeah. It’s just—it’s a lot of fun. The performances of these children are great. Um, it’s scary at times; it’s—yeah. It’s—it’s a—_I found it to be a really affecting, uh, short little movie, uh, check it out! If you can.
elliott
									
Uh, I finally got to see a movie that I’d wanted to see for a long time, which is Paris is Burning. Uh, the documentary from 1990 by_—directed by Jenny Livingston. It’s about the, uh, ball scene of the late 80s in New York? Kind of underground ball scene that the…mostly gay, mostly non-white, uh, community would…throw on to kind of…perform different roles in a—in semi-public. In front—in—in public in the community in order to like, win different competitions and as a way of expressing different fantasies of…uh, being part of the larger culture that they had been shut out of? And…they do a really good job of like…just bringing you into this scene and introducing you to a bunch of the important people in it. And also using that as a lens to show you how…kind of screwed up the mainstream white, straight culture of the 1980s—and I assume today!—still is. [Dan laughs.] And its emphas—its—its—overt, kind of, emphasis on…money and fame and fashion and surface? At the expense of…really understanding people underneath that surface? And…the tensions that…these—that the performers involved in the ball scene have to put up with in being—wanting to be a part of that larger world and yet being shut out of it and trying to recreate it. And I just thought it was really fantastic. And very, uh…you know. Just powerful and brilliant and emotional. And—just one of these movies from, like, “Oh, I should’ve watched this a long time ago. But—_I’m glad I’m finally seeing it now!” It’s on Netflix right now! So that’s Paris is Burning.
dan
									
Uh…I’m gonna recommend a movie from 1942. 
stuart
									
Whaaat?
dan
									
It’s directed by Henri-Georges Clouzot, who, uh, his_—_his most famous movies are Diabolique and Wages of Fear. And this is actually his first movie; the American title would be The Murderer Lives at Number 21. And, uh, if you have the Criterion—
elliott
									
What’s the French title, Dan?
dan
									
Uh…L’Assassin Habite au 21. Vingt_—vingt uh—vingt-et-un, I guess, would be the—_
stuart
									
I’d be nervous that that title would bury the lead in the mystery, but that’s okay. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Uh—[laughs.] And, uh…
elliott
									
Or spoil it! [Elliott and Stuart laugh.]
dan
									
If you have the Criterion streaming channel, it’s available on that. [Stuart says something inaudible; Elliott laughs.] And, uh, it is a…there’s a serial killer in_—in—I—in Paris? And he is baffling the police. He leaves a calling card at all of his murders, and a tip leads, uh…the inspector on the case to realize where the killer lives, but not who the killer is, ‘cause it’s a boarding house. And so he moves in there to try—undercover to try and figure it out, and also his…um…his opera singer girlfriend wants to figure it out as well to get, uh, publicity for herself? And it’s, um…kind of a combination of a…a thriller and an Agatha Christie sort of chamber mystery. But it’s also very, very funny. It’s like—it’s got a light touch, and Clouzot is sort of…he’s looked—_people call him “The French Hitchcock,” and…that is…very accurate while also being reductive ‘cause he’s, uh, such a great director on his own. But if you like, kind of, the lighter, zippier Hitchcock thrillers, this is in that vein. And it’s only 84 minutes! So why not check it out? That’s my recommendation! Dan McCoy.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Three movies recommended. Elliott: We did it, guys! We recommended three movies! Stuart: Now what do we do on this podcast, guys?
dan
									
Uh…and now, having fulfilled our compact with you, the listener—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
We’ve prepared a sign-off by saying_—_why not check out, uh, the other great podcasts over at MaximumFun.org?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Uh, it’s a great network. Got a lotta great shows. There’s, like, 30-something shows now? On the network?
stuart
									
That’s some shows!
elliott
									
They did the_—_they made a TV show about the network called 30-Something. [Dan laughs faintly.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
And uh…tweet about us; review us on iTunes—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Grab people in the streets and force ‘em to listen to us. Probably don’t do that last one. 
stuart
									
Yeah! Come to our live shows, uh…if you are a Max Fun donor, uh, you can expect in the coming weeks, a new installment of our Flop Tales Bonus Content where I make these dudes play, uh_—and our friend Zhubin—_play role-playing games with me!
dan
									
And thanks again to Jordan, who does, uh, most of the, uh, engineering and editing for the show these days?
elliott
									
Jordan Kauwling.
dan
									
Yep.
elliott
									
She has the last name.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Well I_—you know, I—_okay. I never know how much people, like, want to be revealed on a thing or not? I guess I could ask her.
stuart
									
I mean_—and you can put it out there and then…she can just edit it out. [Laughs.]_
dan
									
That’s true. [Elliott laughs wildly.]
dan
									
Jordan: you’re in control!
elliott
									
I’ve been working with Jordan on another donor’s, uh…special thing, uh with John Hodgman. Uh, we’ve been working on a podcast called I, Podius in which John Hodman and I are watching and reviewing—
stuart
									
Using the potty?
elliott
									
_—every episode of—yeah, we’re using the potty together. [Laughs.] And it’s—we were—_and talk to each other while we’re doing it; reviewing each episode of I, Claudius, and that should be available sometime in the fall, I guess?
dan
									
Dan: Hmm. Stuart: Mm-hm. It’s fall now! Uh_—so— Elliott: Uh, well sometime later in the fall, then. [Laughs.]_ Maybe the winter.
stuart
									
Uh…yeah, this has been fun, guys! Thanks for doing the show!
dan
									
Okay! Well…so many episodes in, we still don’t know how to end it. So I’m just gonna say—
stuart
									
On a high note! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Uh…thanks for listening! For The Flop House, I’ve been Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
Hey! I’m Stuart Wellington!
elliott
									
And hey, it’s Elliott Kalan! Saying_—hey everybody! Go out there are rediscover the magic inside you. [Dan laughs.]_
stuart
									
No, get it out of me! Ahhhhh! Brah brah brah browww! [Elliott laughs faintly.]
dan
									
The end.
music
									
“Flop House Theme Music” plays and continues through dialogue.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Elliott: You’re like Shakespeare! Except for the quality. Dan: Mm-hm. Yeah. Elliott: And the acclaim. Dan: Uh…okay. That’s, uh— Elliott: But he’s also dead! So you’re also not like Shakespeare in that way. Stuart: Mm-hm. [Laughs.] 
stuart
									
Do we got any more? Uh…let’s, uh, turn it to the audience! Is there any ways that Dan is not like Shakespeare?
elliott
									
Write into: How Dan Is Not Like Shakespeare, care of The Flop House, 123 Fake Street, America, New York, USA, 10099 USA Up All Night.
speaker 1
									
MaximumFun.org.
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
_—_Audience supported.
About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.
Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.