TRANSCRIPT One Bad Mother Episode 448: We May Need A Reminder That Parenting Is a Farce, with Laura Clery

00:00:00

Biz Ellis

Host

Hi. I’m Biz.

00:00:01

Theresa Thorn

Host

And I’m Theresa.

00:00:02

Biz 

Host

Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.

00:00:20

Music

Music

“Summon the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums.

[Continues through dialogue.]

00:00:24

Biz 

Host

This week on One Bad Mother—we may need a reminder that parenting is a farce. I talk to author-comedian Laura Clery. Plus, Biz has a breakdown.

00:00:36

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz and caller: Woooo!

00:00:38

Caller

Caller

This is… a check-in? And I’m—

[Biz laughs.] 

—I’m starting to wonder if I have a problem, because every time you ask a guest who lives in their house, I answer the question in my own head for myself. Because… I don’t… I don’t have anyone else to talk to, I guess. But—

[Biz laughs.] 

I’ve been noticing a pattern that there’s more and more creatures living in my house. Over the last year. And my answer to the answer is getting longer and longer because my children—I have four children who are all differently-wired. And when you’re differently-wired and you’re not sure if people are going to like you or think you’re weird or be your friend today but not tomorrow, it helps to have an animal that you can count on. So we have an old dog and we have a rabbit and we have a gecko and a snake and two ducks and a chicken and a fish—

[Biz laughs.] 

And I may or may not have just sent an email about getting a new puppy, and I think maybe I’m trying to fill some kind of void with creatures. But hey! It’s—it’s working. And—

[Biz laughs.] 

My kids have something to talk to and cuddle at the end of the day. So. I’m—I’m doing a good job! So are you. 

00:02:09

Biz

Host

You are doing a good job. And you have something to cuddle at the end of the day, too! First off, I think it’s actually really helpful to remind all of us that like… having pets, animals, in the house can actually be a real gift in terms of emotional support for kids. Of any age, really, and of any wiring. Alright? And I think the same is true for adults. I really get the trying to fill a hole. I am searching all the time—whenever I start searching the Humane Society? [Laughs.] I know that that is like a placeholder for something else I should probably deal with. And—[Laughs.] Ding, ding, ding! When you open Google and the very first thing that comes up is “Pasadena Humane” without typing anything in, then… maybe I’ve looked too many times! But I just think the menagerie of animals that you have at your house—ducks? When you said at the end, “Yesterday I sent an email about—” And in my mind I was like, “Pig! Pig! Say pig! Pig! Pig! Please be a pig! Please be a pig!” Puppy? Also… a viable choice. Ducks? Geckos, snakes—these are wonderful, wonderful animals. And… there are worse things to fill the void with in my opinion. So… I think you’re doing an incredible job filling your house with love. That’s how I’m gonna phrase this. Filling your house with loooove! [Laughs.] 

Speaking of love, it’s time for thank-you’s.

00:03:59

Music

Music

Heavy electric guitar and driving percussion overlaid with “Ohh, oh-oh, oh-oh” and “Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey-ey” lyrics.

00:04:13

Biz 

Host

This week I really just wanna thank Theresa. Now as you all know, last week on the show, Theresa announced that they were stepping away from the show. And… I just want to say again—thank you to Theresa. And all that she shared with all of us. I’m still wandering about—I might have to start filling the house with animals until I can figure out what to do next. But I just thank her. And I thank all of you for reaching out to show your support and love to Theresa. Just reminding me what an awesome community this is. So… thank you. 

Now. How am I? Thank you for asking! I’m… seriously fucking tired, guys. [Laughs.] I’m gonna have a little breakdown at the beginning of the show. I have just been seething all day. I am tired of being stuck in this place where the time I’d like to spend on myself or my job is still at the mercy of others. Now, this was—I feel like a little understandable at the very beginning. Right? But my kids are older now. [Laughs.] I should not be feeling this way still. We’ve also worked through this a lot as partners. As a family. All these things. Yet… I still find myself—[Laughs.] Last night I’d come home from getting the kids from school and everybody was in, and—by the way—my fail will explain what happened prior to this story I’m about to tell you. After picking my child up. I come home and I’m like, “Have to get some work done. I’m going into the bedroom.” 

I’m sitting there. I am trying to write one email, guys. One. Email. And I was interrupted six times. I am very much over being unable to complete one thing. Whether it’s coffee, an email, making dinner—eating my own breakfast. Eating my own breakfast this morning—three times. Three times I was asked to come help something that absolutely needed to be helped at the moment. Brushing my teeth? Knock, knock, knock. “Can I just come in? And just stand with you?” And… I don’t understand how people think. Like, Theresa constantly is like, “I don’t understand how people do anything.” I don’t understand how people think. Think through—I don’t even have time to mull things over. Right? A lot of big decisions in your life require thinking. [Laughs.] No time to think! I just—tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick! 

This is obviously separate from my love for my family. The point is, that my love for my family should be able to exist with me being a Self. And I don’t know how this keeps getting fucked up. I don’t know! Is it me? Probably? But I am trying! So… I would like for this—this rant for it to be everyone else. [Laughs.] Who’s making this impossible for me. If you are at the store and you hear the sound of rocks being rubbed together, it’s just me. Clenching. Grinding my teeth. Trying to suppress the rage that has been bubbling up. And I’m going on a trip tomorrow! Yayyy! [Laughs.] Hilarious. Speaking of hilarious, this week I am super excited to be talking to Laura Clery, who is known for her amazingly honest and hilarious social media videos. Plus she has a brand-new book out called Idiots: Marriage, Motherhood, Milk & Mistakes. So stick around! And let’s talk to Laura!

00:08:41

Music

Music

Banjo strums; cheerful banjo music continues through dialogue.

00:08:43

Theresa

Host

Please—take a moment to remember: If you’re friends of the hosts of One Bad Mother, you should assume that when we talk about other moms, we’re talking about you.

00:08:50

Biz 

Host

If you are married to the host of One Bad Mother, we definitely are talking about you.

00:08:54

Theresa

Host

Nothing we say constitutes professional parenting advice.

00:08:57

Biz 

Host

Biz and Theresa’s children are brilliant, lovely, and exceedingly extraordinary.

00:09:01

Theresa

Host

Nothing said on this podcast about them implies otherwise.

[Banjo music fades out.] 

[Biz and her guest repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss the weekly topic.]

00:09:06

Biz 

Host

Guys? I am so excited. We are talking to Laura Clery! Did you guys like that?

[Laura laughs.] 

Apparently there’s a French story involving their name, and I just tried to do that! You’re welcome! You’re welcome.

00:09:20

Laura Clery

Guest

That was good. 

00:09:21

Biz 

Host

Thank you. The interview’s over. They are—let me just tell you about Laura. Laura is an actress, an influencer, and comedian best known for posting comedy sketches and vlogs about her day-to-day life to Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube, where she has a combined 22 million followers and upwards of 10 billion views! She lives in Los Angeles. I’m not gonna give away any more than that, ‘cause then that really screws up my first question. Welcome, Laura!

00:09:50

Laura 

Guest

Thank you so muuuuch! [Laughs.] 

00:09:52

Biz 

Host

Guys? Guys, before I—I just—I’m gonna… spill—I’m gonna spill some dirt. Laura… has a stye in her eye. She has a stye eye, and so I’m looking at her. And she’s got like a teabag and then later hopefully she’s gonna go through all the other suggestions the internet’s giving her as to what to put on her stye. But she just looks like a very relaxed pirate right now. She’s in a robe. Her hair’s down. We have the stye in the eye. Alright.

[Laura laughs.] 

Before we get into the stye—which is clearly all we’re gonna talk about today, ‘cause who cares about anything else? Who lives in your house?

00:10:34

Laura 

Guest

So who lives in my house. My husband, Steven. Yes. [Laughs.] 

[Biz laughs.] 

Abd my two children. I have my daughter, Penelope, but we call her Poppy. And I don’t think we’ve called her Penelope once. So in England, the nickname for Penelope is Poppy. And when I heard that I was like, “That’s the cutest shit I’ve ever heard in my life.” Poppy? 

00:11:02

Biz 

Host

Yeah, that’s cute!

00:11:04

Laura 

Guest

Are you kidding me?!

00:11:06

Biz 

Host

The British don’t kid. [Laughs.] 

00:11:08

Laura 

Guest

So Poppy’s gonna be one in like five days! Five days. She’ll be one. And then Alfie, who is my almost-three-year-old. He’ll be three in a month.

00:11:18

Biz  

Host

Oh my gosh.

00:11:19

Laura 

Guest

And that’s it! That’s who lives in the house.

00:11:20

Biz 

Host

I wanna talk about all that you put out there, but I feel like the thing about social media comedy and influencers—like, all of the ways you describe it—not you, but the world describes it—it’s like, where—what’s the backstory? Right? Like, what—[Laughs.] Right up until the moment you took the first video, how did this start for you? 

00:11:44

Laura 

Guest

Yeah! So I—which I guess many people don’t know—is I came out here to Los Angeles when I was seventeen years old. So everyone’s like, “What did your parents say?” And I’m just like, “They were like, ‘Have fun!’” Y’know. They’re crazy hippies. Y’know. There was never a curfew. I didn’t have to go to school. My dad’s like, “Here’s twenty bucks. Go get me some weed.” Y’know. Like, that was my childhood.

[Biz laughs.] 

So I was a terrible, terrible student in—well, grammar school, high school, all of it. But I was incredibly social and I was the class clown. Like I just was obsessed with making you laugh. That was it. And my mom just kinda supported that. She was like, “Well that’s just what she wants to do, so we’re just gonna accept these straight Ds.” And so college was never in the picture for me. I never had any desire to go. Hated school. And knew that I wanted to make comedy, knew that I wanted to be an actor always. Like, I wrote a letter to SNL when I was like nine. Like, fucking love it. [Childlike voice] “Dear SNL, I’m gonna make your show so funny! Just give me a chance! Alright! I’ll see you later! Like—”

00:12:56

Biz 

Host

Bzzzrh! Right in the shredder! They were like, “Aw, cute!” Bzzzzh!

00:13:00

Laura 

Guest

Really? ‘Cause I think Lorne Michaels fucking read it.

00:13:02

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz: No I think Lorne Michaels probably read it.

Laura: I think he read it. 

00:13:04

Biz 

Host

I just always like to imagine at interviews and auditions you go in and you’re like, “Do you have a headshot?” “Yeah! Here you go!” “Thank you so much.” Bzzzzh! [Laughs.] 

00:13:11

Laura 

Guest

No, totally. 

00:13:13

Biz 

Host

Go ahead. 

00:13:15

Laura 

Guest

That became my life for the next ten years. So I made my way to L.A. My friends—the day before I graduated high school—they knew that I wanted to be an actor and they were two years older than me and they did theater with me. And there was the one area that I excelled in in school, and they came to my high school and they were like, “Hey, Laura! We’re interning at this production company in L.A. Do you wanna come help us pay rent and sleep on our couch—on the couch?” And I was like, “Hell, yeah!” So I begged my sister for money for a one-way ticket and I slept on the couch and I—like, that was my first taste in L.A. Made a pit stop in New York, and then back because I met some guy. I thought I was in love. That’s in my first book story. You’ll—it’s fucking insanity.

[Biz laughs.] 

But I made my way back to L.A. by eighteen, and I’ve never left and I’m thirty-five. So I got a commercial agent when I was eighteen. I booked a Spanish cell phone commercial. No idea what anyone was saying. I was just dancing with this cell phone—

[Biz laughs.] 

—in this crop top. And that was my first taste. And then it was just like ten years of auditioning and I’d wait tables and whatever. Live off boyfriends. Whatever I had to do. And then… around twenty-three, I made—I booked enough to live. I was booking commercials. I shot a lot of commercials. Sitcoms. The odd indie film. So I think a lot of people don’t know that I had been doing this a long, long time. And then when I was maybe like—well, like six, seven years ago, I started seeing my friends posting on social media. Getting a lot of views. And I saw—what I saw was creative control. What I saw was no one getting in the way and you being able to say, “I wanna write a song about buttholes.” And no one’s gonna stop me. No one’s gonna stop me! And I did say, then. I said, “Steven, I wanna write a song about buttholes.” And he was like, [British accent] “That’s not a very good idea!” [Regular voice] And I was like, “Well, I’m gonna do it anyway.”

[Biz laughs.] 

So I did it. And it’s actually still going viral on TikTok. All the Gen Zs are recreating that song about buttholes, thank you very much. But anyway. So that’s kind of it. I was fed up with auditioning my life away. And the 98% rejection, and the zero creative control. And I think it was like I had a pilot and it was like my sixth callback and it was like, “This is the one. This is the next Friends. I’m gonna be the next Phoebe. This is fucking it. Like, I know it.” And they gave the role to—I think, like, Brooklyn Decker or something like that?

[Biz laughs.] 

I was like, “Yes, she’s hotter. But she’s not funnier! She’s hotter! I’m funnier!” 

[Biz laughs.] 

 I don’t know why!

00:15:59

Biz 

Host

Actually, this is a beautiful way to segue into actually two questions I had about this. One, I wanna jump on creative control. Because… with creative control comes—and social media, in particular. Right? Like, that is—that is very public. And when you are somebody who wants to connect through humor, people have an opportunity to respond. And instead of having one jackass director making a comment on your creative—what you think is funny or what you wanna do, you have all of these people who may or may not appreciate your creative control. So what is that like? I mean, I don’t ever read any comment. [Laughs.] On this show. I just assume everybody fucking loves it. But I—really. And then—but I know that’s not probably the case. So I guess… you’ve been doing it long enough now, but I guess I’m just wondering—what was that transition like?

00:17:08

Laura 

Guest

Yeah. So initially, the only person watching my video was my mother and Steven.

00:17:11

Biz 

Host

Well, sure. And they loved it.

00:17:13

Laura 

Guest

So—right. [Laughs.] So the only comment was like, “Great job, sweetie!” Y’know.

[Biz laughs.] 

But down the road—so that was kind of it. And so I just—I fired my agents and I posted a video a day every single day for a year. You asked how I got into it? That’s how I got into it. A lot of them were shit. Most of them were shit. It didn’t matter. I was just throwing things at the wall and seeing what stuck every day. I think I replaced my drug addiction with posting videos.

[Biz laughs.] 

So I did it every single day for a year, and then within like six months I had my first viral video, and that was kind of like how it took off. I think it’s consistency. But yeah! So how do I deal with the comments? Y’know… it’s—they say, “Oh, don’t read the comments.” But you kinda have to gauge a little bit whether what you’re doing is working or not? So I think you just take it with a grain of salt. Y’know. And for me, they’ve been more good than bad so I feel like I’m in the right direction. But I do like to take the haters and the trolls and I put them on blast when I’m feeling extra petty? Y’know, I’ll post them or I’ll comment. Most of the time I’ll block them. Y’know. If they’re saying, like, “Kill yourself,” I’ll block them. If they’re saying, like, “This concept was weak,” it’s like that’s almost more painful than “Kill yourself.”

[Biz laughs.] 

Y’know. 

00:18:32

Biz 

Host

“Kill yourself”—the new constructive criticism. 

[Laura laughs.] 

Now the other thing I wanted to ask you—‘cause you’re like, “She’s the pretty one but I’m the funnier one!” Right? Like, so… people—not all people. A subset of people. Aren’t really fans of funny women. [Laughs.] And I feel like once you have kids in your house, it almost is even more important that you’re not funny. Because… what?! It’s sort of that—do they hate women more, or women with kids who are trying to be funny more? Which one? Have you—like, since you were doing this a little bit before and then after kids, have you found that the reaction is—I don’t know. You’re a comedian! Tell me a little bit about… that experience. Or—yeah.

00:19:28

Laura 

Guest

I always say my followers is like 80% women and 20% gay men. Like—y’know. Like, that—‘cause I’m assuming you’re talking about straight men. 

00:19:38

Biz 

Host

Probably. They’re the ones who usually are—[Laughs.] 

00:19:41

Laura 

Guest

Well, so I kinda got—and I kinda got rid of them? Most of them? And I shouldn’t say all of them. And y’know, I’m not—I’m just speaking honestly. The comments that I got of like, “Women aren’t funny” tended to be from heterosexual men. That just is what it is. But there’s a certain breed of heterosexual men, like my husband, whose childhood crush was Ellen DeGeneres. Everyone else’s was Pamela Anderson. His was Ellen DeGeneres. He loves funny women. Y’know, like loves strong, funny women. And those men exist. 

00:20:15

Biz 

Host

Yeah! I know! I’m married to one as well. It’s very—his wasn’t Ellen DeGeneres. It was—oh my god—Jodie Foster. [Laughs.] 

00:20:23

Laura 

Guest

Okay! Yeah!

00:20:24

Biz 

Host

But I’m like, “I’ll take that. That’s good, too.” Yeah. Strong. Right.

00:20:27

Laura 

Guest

Strong women. But yeah. I would say you’re gonna get misogynistic men. And I just found when I started posting my Helen character, she’s the one—y’know, the square-faced Helen Horbath? 

00:20:41

Biz 

Host

Oh my god. I love her. And my sister, who’s a Helen, it is one of her favorite things in the history of the internet. So.

00:20:48

Laura 

Guest

Love it. Love that. So yeah. When I created Helen—

[Biz laughs.] 

Helen, for anyone who doesn’t know, it’s like a character—a dumb character I created. She’s got this square face and she’s just constantly sexually harassing her husband. Just throwing disgusting pickup lines at him all the time. That’s kind of—that was like how I started? She’s developed a lot more to the point where I’m developing a animation around Helen and her family.

00:21:12

Biz 

Host

Yeah you are!

00:21:14

Laura 

Guest

Like, a female Family Guy with CBS Studios. Like, it’s happening! So yeah! So—

00:21:18

Biz 

Host

Oh, good job! Good job!

00:21:20

Laura 

Guest

Right? Right? 

00:21:22

Biz 

Host

That’s great.

00:21:23

Laura 

Guest

‘Cause I believed in her. And I was like, “Why is she so disgusting? Why is she so sexually inappropriate?” But I also found that we never saw sexually aggressive women characters. It was always the guy catcalling the girl? We never really saw the woman catcalling the guy.

00:21:40

Biz 

Host

Well, and the guy gets rewarded! He still gets a wife. He still gets kids. He still has a job. He still—and like, women… the moment they start—I mean, one of my favorites is, “Is there a keg in your pants? ‘Cause I wanna—” What was it? “I wanna ride that off—no, I wanna pump that ass!” That’s what it was. “Is there a keg in your pants? I wanna pump your ass.” That—

00:22:00

Laura 

Guest

I wanna pump that ass!

00:22:02

Biz 

Host

I wanna pump that ass! That is a delight. And I’m very glad that that—well, how—okay. So—

00:22:09

Laura 

Guest

So yeah. So I kind of—I guess you were saying, like, your question was… what again?

[Both laugh.]

00:22:17

Biz 

Host

Welcome to the One Bad Mother interview. [Laughs.] We just go and go and then… like, have a conversation as if we’re at a bar. We’re bouncing around a lot, so I apologize. Because you keep saying things that make me go, “Wait! That was one of my other questions!” 

[Laura laughs.] 

You were talking about like—

00:22:34

Laura 

Guest

That’s how I conversate. 

00:22:36

Biz 

Host

I know! That’s how I conversate! That’s how I interview! I have no plans. The— [Laughs.] 

[Laura laughs.] 

So you were talking about when they respond and sometimes if you’re feeling particularly petty. One of the things that I really love about your work and I wanna talk about honesty in just a little bit. But one of the things I really love is what you build off of haters. Right? Like, first of all, your book that has just come out, Idiots: Marriage, Motherhood, Milk & Mistakes—which is so delightful to read. But in it is one of the stories that I love where a woman comments on you in public breastfeeding your child. Y’know. You’re showing your boobs and this is so—[Laughs.] So offensive doing this very natural thing. And then you made a whole clothing line based on it. See, now that—that is the follow-through. That is the comedic follow-through that I have serious fucking respect for. Will you please talk to me about—about that? I mean, like, I just think it’s stunning.

00:23:43

Laura 

Guest

Yes. So when Alfie was like five or six months, we were like, “You know what? We’re gonna go out to a café and we’re gonna eat. The three of us. It’s gonna be amazing.”

00:23:51

Biz 

Host

“We’re people!”

00:23:53

Laura 

Guest

“We’re leaving the house!” [Laughs.] Yeah.

[Biz laughs.] 

So we left the house. And oh my god. And—

00:24:00

Biz 

Host

What was your reward? What was your reward? 

[Both laugh.]

00:24:03

Laura 

Guest

I got a lentil salad. Woo!

00:24:06

Biz 

Host

Woo! [Laughs.] 

00:24:07

Laura 

Guest

But um—yeah. And a triple-shot cappuccino while breastfeeding. Oops! So anyway. So we’re sitting at the café, and I’m having my lentil salad and way too much caffeine. Sorry, Alfie. And Alfie’s on—y’know, breastfeeding. And Steven kinda laughed and went, [British accent] “Aw, you both eating lunch!” [Regular voice] And he just shot a little Insta story saying, [British accent] “They’re both eating lunch! Isn’t that cute!”

[Biz laughs.] 

[Regular voice] And that was it. So scandalous, I know. And then he posted it. And I reshare the story. It was a simple—it was like a cute moment and it was really special ‘cause it was the first café that Steven and I—first time we ever had lunch together was there ten years ago. And we were all back as a family of three. It was really sweet. Anyway. I shared that. I get this message, this DM. Maybe—

00:24:54

Biz 

Host

I like that it’s a direct message. ‘Cause we’re friends. We’re—“I should definitely reach out.” 

00:25:01

Laura 

Guest

But I’m so grateful that I got this. So she DMs me. She says, “You have no self-respect. You have no dignity.” She says, “Put your boibs away.”

00:25:13

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz and Laura: Your boibs. Ya boibs?

00:25:15

Laura 

Guest

“Your boibs are for your husband. Okay? He’s too old for your boibs. Your boibs are for your husband.” Now there’s so many—now, there’s so many things wrong with this DM, but she—I think the thing that’s most wrong is she misspelled “boobs” four times.

00:25:29

Biz 

Host

Well see, I think maybe—

00:25:31

Laura 

Guest

B-O-I-B-S.

00:25:32

Biz 

Host

What if boobs make her so uncomfortable that she can’t even spell it with “boobs” in the word? ‘Cause the circles look like boobs! So we gotta make it look less boob-y as a word. Wow!

00:25:45

Laura 

Guest

Yeah. It could be that. But whatever it was, Steven and I are cracking up that she just kept calling them “boibs.” We loved it. And so of course—this was one of my petty days. So I responded to her. And then I posted the response. And it went super viral. And it was—and all of a sudden, all these “boibs” memes started happening.

[Biz laughs.] 

And so everyone’s making memes saying “boibs” instead of boobs and it’s this whole thing and now everyone’s like, “I’m never calling them boobs again. They’ll forever be ‘boibs.’” Everyone started talking about ways that they were harassed for public breastfeeding. And then the whole #NormalizeBreastfeeding hashtag came about. Now I was kind of ignorant to it. I didn’t really know. I just thought breastfeeding was beautiful and cool and so I post about it. I didn’t really see anything wrong with it. It wasn’t until that day that I realized what an issue it was. So that struck this great needed conversation as well, about just normalizing breastfeeding. And then like a couple months later, we got approached to start a clothing brand. And Steven wakes me up in the—early in the morning and he goes, [British accent] “Laura, I’ve got it!” And he goes, “I know what we should call the clothing brand!” And I’m like, “What?” He’s like, “Boibs!”

[Biz laughs.] 

[Regular voice] And I was like, “That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.” And he’s like, [British accent] “Or is it the best? Or is it the best?” [Regular voice] And I was like—and I thought about it and thought about it and I was like, you know what? I kind of love it. I love the origin story. I love that it’s kind of like Goop. It’s not a real word. Right? It’s catchy.

00:27:16

Biz 

Host

Not a real word. It’s definitely—yeah, it’s Goop. It’s Boibs and Goop. Right? 

00:27:20

Laura 

Guest

Right? So there it was. And that was like two years ago.

00:27:25

Biz 

Host

I love it. I… I just think it’s such a beautiful way to embrace criticism. Especially dumbass—

00:27:33

Laura 

Guest

Absolutely. Monetize the haters. Yup.

00:27:35

Biz 

Host

—ignorant criticism. Alright. Now I wanna circle back to honesty. You—one of the things that I think is so… unique to your work versus others’ is that there’s such a throughline of honesty. Just like that. Just like the “boibs” story. And you’ve been honest in your videos, especially when it’s come to your—giving birth. Trying to have kids. All of it. Your life leading up to it. The life since kids got into your house. And that’s led to your recent book, Idiots: Marriage, Motherhood, Milk & Mistakes. I’m gonna say the name several times, guys, ‘cause it helps sell a book. In which you are—again—very honest.

[Laura laughs.] 

And I guess I wanna ask—what are your thoughts on the power of honesty?

00:28:30

Laura 

Guest

Yeah. I… y’know, I feel like I learned this in recovery, which is—which I tap into actually in this book quite a bit. ‘Cause it’s such a big part of my life. My sobriety. But I think I learned there that it’s so important to be rigorously honest and that we are as sick as our secrets. And I think that secrecy and shame are so toxic. So, so toxic. And they keep us—they keep us sick! And they keep us full of shame, these secrets. And so for me, it’s incredibly freeing and terrifying to just… put it all out there. Because at the end of the day, it shows us that we’re not alone. Whether I’m talking about, y’know, my alcoholism, my postpartum depression, y’know. Relationship issues. Whatever it is, I have this big platform. And I can just post these perfect photographs and all, like, happy—and I do feel like comedy is my true, true, true passion. That’s the thing I love the most? And I feel like that is my purpose, ‘cause I truly think I have no other skillset but to like make you laugh.

[Biz laughs.] 

So I do feel that that was—that’s my purpose? But! Then I grew this big audience. And I was like, “Why not talk about what’s really going on?” And it’s incredibly freeing. And it just kind of takes the shame out of it. I think it’s important. I think people stay sick when they hold things in and they feel a lot of shame, especially around an addiction and things like that. So that’s why I’m very vocal about it all. I think it’s freeing and it connects us.

00:30:13

Biz 

Host

I think you’re 100% right. I think the more we talk about all the stuff—‘cause I mean, the shame isn’t just our own self-shame. It’s the shame that… look, I’m sorry, everybody. I’m gonna say it for the 235^th time. Women in particular get such the shit end of the shame stick, especially when it comes to having kids, your bodies, your bodies become like other. If something happens to your body during childbirth—“Shh! Shh! Grandma—Meemaw and Grandma used to just deal with it, so you deal with it! Don’t—how dare you ask for help in fixing or coming—” Right? And so like… even just peeing when you sneeze. You actually in some cases can make that go away! You don’t have to live with it! Right? And so—

00:31:04

Laura 

Guest

Yes! Yes! Yes! Say it louder!

00:31:07

Biz 

Host

Oh, we’ve said it multiple times on this show! So I think—and I think humor and honesty go so hand-in-hand. I think the funniest things are the truest things. And… with that, I appreciate you putting truth and humor out in the world. I cannot recommend enough, everybody, Laura’s new book. Idiots: Marriage, Motherhood, Milk & Mistakes. And if you just need a moment to laugh your ass off—put your headphones on at work if you’re at the office. Go look up Helen. Go look up Laura Clery. Helen. Or what—[Laughs.] What is your pumpkin? What is your—

00:31:50

Laura 

Guest

Oh, Pamela Pumpkin! 

00:31:52

Biz 

Host

Pamela Pumpkin! Who does all the exercise videos. And what an honor it must have felt like when you saw that people were taking your Pamela Pumpkin workout video and recreating it for like the World Health Organ—I mean, it’s so cool!

00:32:06

Laura 

Guest

And I’ll say this—I’m so happy that I didn’t listen. I remember I took a class at the Groundlings like years, years, years ago. And they told me never—like, that was another I was not very good in that class. They were shooting down my ideas.

[Biz laughs.] 

I was running out crying like five times. It was never good. I was just a shit student. But one of the things I remember them telling me was, “We don’t do aerobics instructor characters. It’s overdone.” Duh, duh, duh. Like that was a thing. And I remember that in the back of my head. And then I was like, “Yeah, but I have this really funny idea for one!” And I love physical comedy. So like, fuck them. I’m gonna do it! Y’know?

00:32:43

Biz 

Host

You should never really probably listen to what a lot of people tell you when it comes to your comedy choices.

00:32:49

Laura 

Guest

Right?! 

00:32:51

Biz 

Host

Just a little final piece of advice there that no one asked for. I’m giving that to everybody. Do what you think is funny. You’ll find your audience.

00:32:58

Laura 

Guest

Totally.

00:32:59

Biz 

Host

Laura? Thank you so much for joining me. Everybody knows where to buy books, but we will still put links in the show notes as well as links to all of the different places you can find Laura being hilarious and honest. 

00:33:14

Laura 

Guest

Oh, thank you.

00:33:16

Biz 

Host

Thank you so much for joining us!

00:33:17

Laura 

Guest

Thank you! This was so fun! I’m sorry you had to look at my face.

00:33:20

Biz 

Host

No, you’re—it’s okay. I’ll get over it. I’ll take something before I have to go to sleep. [Makes vomiting noise.] 

00:33:25

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz: Sorry for all my gag reflex—

Laura: I’m Zooming into my eyes. 

00:33:31

Biz 

Host

Make sure you go find Laura on social media and give a lot of unsolicited advice about how to get rid of a stye. Or why she got the stye to begin with. Somebody probably put a curse on her.

[Laura laughs.] 

That’s all I ever knew about styes growing up in the Deep South. You were cursed.

00:33:48

Laura 

Guest

Wait, really?

00:33:50

Biz  

Host

Oh, yeah, you were totally cursed! Stye, stye, in your eye. There’s some sort of curse. I’ll have to ask my mother. She’ll tell me the stye, stye, in your eye curse saying,

00:33:59

Laura 

Guest

Oh my god! 

00:34:01

Biz 

Host

Yeah! Oh, yeah. [Inaudible.]

[Laura gasps.]

You’ve been cursed, baby!

[Laura laughs.] 

00:34:05

Laura 

Guest

Well thank you so much for having me!

[Biz laughs.] 

I feel like that just flew by!

00:34:09

Biz 

Host

It actually really did. Because I have to go pick my children up from school. Because—

00:34:14

Laura 

Guest

Oh, booooo!

00:34:16

Biz 

Host

I am constantly never able to finish a task.

00:34:18

Laura 

Guest

No! 

00:34:20

Biz 

Host

That said, we’ll just have to have you back on and do something else fun!

00:34:22

Laura 

Guest

I would love that. 

00:34:24

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz: Yeah. We’d love to have you back.

Laura: I’m here.

00:34:25

Music

Music

“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds.

[Music fades out.]

00:34:42

Music

Promo

Cheerful ukulele with whistling plays in background. 

00:34:43

Biz 

Promo

One Bad Mother is supported in part by BetterHelp online therapy. Relationships take work, especially the most important one that you can have in your life—your relationship with yourself. Which may go against everything we’ve been told when we become a parent. [Laughs.] Look, we already drop almost anything to go help our kids. And help our family members and our friends. We go out of our way to treat other people well. But how are we treating ourselves, guys? How are we treating ourselves? BetterHelp is online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist, so you don’t have to see anyone on camera if you don’t want to. It’s much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Give it a try and see why over two million people have used BetterHelp online therapy. One Bad Mother listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com/badmother. That’s B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com/badmother.

[Music fades out.]

00:35:56

Theresa

Host

Hey, you know what it’s time for! This week’s genius and fails! This is the part of the show where we share our genius moment of the week, as well as our failures, and feel better about ourselves by hearing yours. You can share some of your own by calling 206-350-9485. That’s 206-350-9485.

00:36:16

Biz 

Host

Genius fail time. Genius me, me!

00:36:19

Clip

Clip

[Dramatic, swelling music in background.]

Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius!

00:36:35

Biz 

Host

Okay! Like I said at the start of the show, we are going on a trip. We had tickets pre-pandemic that we couldn’t use to go on a trip. And they sat there. And they were able to be rolled over and rolled over and then a couple of weeks ago, we were like, “We should really check in and see the status of those tickets.” Stefan checked in and then said that they said we had to use them by the end of this month. [Laughs.] So, we are going on a liiiitle quick trip for the kids’ spring break. Now that is not my genius. My genius is it’s been a long time since we’ve gone on a trip, especially as a family. And I remembered to pack the things that I like to have for the plane. Pringles. I like sour cream and onion—I don’t know why. Sour cream and onion Pringles are my go-to plane snack. They are really delicious. They are satiating. A little salty. A little crunchy. You gotta break ‘em up into small pieces and stick ‘em under your mask. That is my flight food. Plus, I got myself a book of Suduku. Sudoku. So whatever it’s called. And I’m… going to have it with me and act like a person who’s able to do things all on their own on a plane without interruption. See rant at the beginning. [Laughs.] 

00:38:05

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, this is a genius. My genius is the Kirkland diaper box. It is an incredible place to put my ten-month-old baby—

[Biz laughs.] 

—when I just need to turn my back on her for a minute so she doesn’t grab every remote control in the house and eat the batteries out of them. I just can put her in the Kirkland diaper box. It’s an incredible invention. It’s not gonna work for long, but it’s working for now. I’m doing a great job. 

00:38:30

Biz 

Host

You are doing a great job! You’re a genius! And this is such a rational genius versus—I feel I would’ve just removed all the batteries from the clickers in a crazed state of newborn dark forest mental postpartum? And then no one would get to enjoy clickers. Or remote controls. Or whatever you call them in your house. Put yo baby in a box! That is genius! [Laughs.] Failures.

00:39:00

Clip

Clip

[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.]

Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL!

[Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.]

Biz: [Calmly] You suck!

00:39:06

Biz 

Host

Fail me, me. Okay. Yesterday I went to go pick Ellis up from their after-school class, which is at their school. So that’s nice. And I had to do a few things at the school so I was in there doing some things and I walked out to the playground and that’s where I realized that the girls’ basketball team was playing another school. And I was like, “I’m gonna sit down and watch a little basketball!” Right? And I didn’t know what kind of—I didn’t know if I could be like super aggressive with my yelling? Turns out I could. That was delightful. And I was like, oh my god, I really had a good time watching this! I gotta remember to come back! So I’m then leave the game. Walk around the corner. Get Ellis. 

And we are literally five steps from the classroom that we are leaving and I say, “I watched a little basketball! Watched a little of the basketball game!” And I—Ellis said something like, “I don’t know how to read the score. Who’s winning?” And I said, “Oh, we’re winning!” And he said, [yelling] “I don’t know how to read the scoreboard!” [Laughs.] Gabe’s face—that is the right face. Full meltdown about basketball. And the scoreboard. And I’m like, “I am happy to explain this to you, but I cannot do it when you’re yelling.” Which is still not the right thing to say. I don’t know what to say anymore, guys. I really am trying to—we get—I’ve just decided, “Okay! You’re upset!” 

We get in the car. He proceeds to get himself more and more upset. Somehow this turns into hating sports and basketball. And I am to blame, because I said “basketball.” Now this is a yelling, kicking the back of my car seat kind of thing? Which is not good. Mixed with [weepily] “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” [Regular voice] And I’m like, “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about basketball.” In fact, I only said the word “basketball” once during the entire exchange. The point is… I should never mention basketball anywhere near my child. And… lessons have been learned. By me. I think I’m the only one learning lessons here, guys. And I’m not sure that’s a genius. [Laughs.] 

00:41:36

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Heyyy! I have a fail. 

[Biz laughs.] 

My three-year-old daughter is in taekwondo classes and they’re very strict about the uniform. You have to come wearing your uniform, which includes your belt. And wouldn’t ya know it? We’re seven classes in a nine-week session in and it took me this long to forget her belt. So I suck. I guess if you don’t have your belt, you don’t get to participate in class.

[Biz laughs.] 

And the icing on the cake is that we showed up and I am wearing my One Bad Mother sweatshirt. So I truly am one bad mother because I forgot my daughter’s taekwondo belt. And… thanks! Bye. 

00:42:22

Biz 

Host

Okay. I just… I just wanna really make sure you understand the value of the lesson in your three-year-old not remembering their taekwondo belt! Three-year-olds need to bring their A-games, everybody, to taekwondo! I am sure that your child’s suffering an emotional breakdown because they could not participate in three-year-old taekwondo has really taught your three-year-old a lesson about responsibility. I gotta tell ya—I hope you further—you further brought home that sense and lesson of responsibility when you got home. I hope you constantly are taunting your child with that belt! Because that is the critical lessons to be learned here! 

I… guys? This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Not because you left the belt. Yes, that is a fail. Obviously, your kid is three. It’s your job to remember the stupid belt. Okay? That is… that is a perfectly fine failure. But the layers of complete guilt bullshit? Because your three-year-old is not learning a lesson here, except maybe that Mommy is only there to disappoint and ruin their life. This taekwondo place is punishing you. And like—maybe—maybe if you do it three times you don’t get to participate in class. But one time? Like, do they know what parents are? [Laughs.] Do they know what kids are? This is insane! This is an insane rule for three-year-olds! Your failure is, according to the taekwondo school, is to let your daughter and your taekwondo community down. That is… is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. [Laughs.] God.

00:44:34

Music

Music

“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics.

You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known.

I love you, I love you.

When I have a problem, I call you on the phone.

I love you, I love you.

[Music fades out.]

00:44:57

Promo

Clip

[Sound of thunder and rain plays in background.]

Mallory O’Meara: Are you riddled with guilt over your TBR pile?

Brea Grant: Are you filled with shame about a book that you just can’t seem to finish?

Mallory: Are you having regrets because grad school killed your love of reading?

[Angelic choir.]

Brea: We’re Reading Glasses, and we’re here to help!

Mallory: I’m Mallory.

Brea: And I’m Brea.

[Rhythmic percussion plays in background.]

Mallory: Let us absolve you of all your reading guilt. 

Brea: Stuck on a book you don’t like?

Mallory: We’ll help you dump it!
 

Brea: Can’t figure out what to read next?

Mallory: We’ll recommend something in your wheelhouse.

Brea: Can’t decide where to buy your books from?

Mallory: We’ll point you in the right direction!

Brea: No matter what you read or how you read it—

Mallory: —We’ll help you do it better.

Brea: Reading Glasses! Every Thursday on Maximum Fun.

00:45:38

Promo

Clip

Music: Exciting techno music plays.

Tre’vell Anderson: Hey there, beautiful people! I’m Tre’vell Anderson.

Jarrett Hill: And I’m Jarrett Hill. We are the hosts of FANTI, the show where have complex and complicated conversations about the grey areas in our lives, the things that we really, really love sometimes but also have some problematic feelings about.

Tre’vell: Yes, we get into it all. You wanna know our thoughts about Nicki Minaj and all her foolishness? We got you. You wanna know our thoughts about gentrification and perhaps some positive?—question mark?—

Jarrett: Uh-oh.

Tre’vell: —aspects of gentrification? We get into that, too! Every single Thursday, you can check us out at MaximumFun.org. Listen, you know you want it, honey, so come on and get it!

[Jarrett laughs.]

Tre’vell: Period!

[Music fades out.]

00:46:21

Biz 

Host

Alright, everybody. It’s a little lonely listening to rants without Theresa! We’ll just all have to hug each other harder. Let’s listen… to a mom have a breakdown.

00:46:34

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, One Bad Mother. This is a rant. This is my first time calling. Thank you for having this hotline. I… have a three-year-old who won’t poop. It’s been a few days. We had an ER visit last week with an enema and that was just the most traumatizing thing for him. And for me. Although he left singing songs so I think he was fine by the end of it. But I am still replaying it in my head and it’s just… I just can’t get that look of fear out of his eyes and it’s just—it’s just breaking me heart. And ugh. Anyway. He won’t poop. And we’re trying everything and we’re talking to his doctor. We’re trying medications. My husband and I are just so emotionally drained and I have—I have a four-month-old and I just went back to work about three weeks ago—

[Biz squawks.] 

—and I’m just—I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t know how long this is gonna take to resolve.

[Biz laughs.] 

Maybe a few days, maybe a year. I don’t know! And I don’t wanna deal with it. [Sighs.] I know this will pass and it’s driving me nuts, but… it’s—ugh. I just—I just need it to be better. And I know it will be, but right now it doesn’t feel like it. So. Ughhh! What do you do? Thank you for listening. Thanks to listening to my rant, and you are all doing a really great job. Thank you. Bye. 

00:48:05

Biz 

Host

So are you! You are doing a remarkable job. This is one of those calls where I’m not gonna say you led with the wrong story. You have a series— [Laughs.] Series of situations happening in your house. All of which are too much. Casually, “Oh, I have a four-month-old.” I wasn’t even kind of a person when I had a four-month-old in my house. And you went back to work. Well, we all know how easy that is. Just go back to work! Just—look how easy that is! You’re not still hormonally massively messed up and like connected with your kid and like questioning everything about your value as a woman. Like, [through laughter] that’s just super, super relaxing to go back to work! 

And you have a child that doesn’t poop. I hear your statement of, “I would like this to not be happening.” And I agree. I would like that to not be happening. We all know this is not a place when somebody says, “My child’s not pooping” to bombard you with what you need to do. [Laughs.] You already are trying to help this situation. I like to start from a place of, “I bet you’ve already tried everything and freaked out and read every google article known to man and called every person you know and gone to every doctor.” I—yeah, of course you have! You… are a parent! But. None of that takes away from the stress of knowing your child’s uncomfortable. And not knowing how it’s gonna work itself out. You just see what I did there? And also… that moment of the ER visit and the enema and really any time any of us take our children—especially when they’re little—to have anything done. Any test. Any anything. 

Yeah! You are right! You are—that was really hard for you! And it takes more than just one night to get over that. That is—it may stick around for a while. And like pop up. It is— [Laughs.] You have a four-month-old in your house so it’s not like you’re sleeping. It’s not like you like had time to like relax and kinda work through the trauma of witnessing your child being really upset and scared. Like—ahh! You got a four-month-old in your house and you’re going back to work! This is—this goes back to the beginning, when I was talking about no space to think. No space to, like, let your mind be quiet. Or let yourself have the time it takes to process any of the things that you find yourself dealing with. Watching your kids go through something hard is really upsetting. Okay? It is really something that sticks with us. And I—I’m still not sure exactly where we’re supposed to put that. 

Having babies in your house is a lot! Going back to work after having babies in your house and with an older child who’s not pooping? That’s not relaxing! That’s not an easy way to go—I mean, I don’t care if you love your job and you wanna be there 24 hours a day! It’s still— [Laughs.] It’s still there! Those things are—those multiple universes are all still overlapping. The bottom line is, I can see what a great job you’re doing. And… of course you’re tired. And I see how tired you are. And I see how, like, emotionally exhausted you are. And I see the strain and the burden of the effort to do one more thing on top of all of the other things that you’re doing or worrying about. And I think you are remarkable. And you’re doing such a good job. 

00:52:29

Biz 

Host

Everybody? I think… the takeaway here is… honesty and humor are the things that might save us all. [Laughs.] Truly. Truly. Not only do we need to be talking about all of the stuff—good, bad, whatever? We need to be laughing about it as well. Because I think with laughter and honesty, I think that can open up space for forgiveness and grace and… self-love and I just… I just wish that not only for myself but for others. You are all doing an incredible job. You really, really are. And I will talk to you next week. Byeee!

00:53:21

Music

Music

“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics.

I got the lowdown momma blues

Got the the lowdown momma blues

Gots the lowdown momma blues

The lowdown momma blues. 

Gots the lowdown momma blues

Got the lowdown momma blues

You know that’s right.

[Music fades.]

00:53:45

Biz 

Host

We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Gabe Mara; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.

00:54:15

Theresa

Host

One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/join.

[Music resumes for a while before fading out.]

00:54:38

Music

Transition

A cheerful ukulele chord.

00:54:39

Speaker 1

Guest

MaximumFun.org.

00:54:40

Speaker 2

Guest

Comedy and culture.

00:54:41

Speaker 3

Guest

Artist owned—

00:54:43

Speaker 4

Guest

—Audience supported.