TRANSCRIPT One Bad Mother 443: Renee Colvert

Transcript

00:00:00	Biz Ellis	Host	Hi. I’m Biz.
00:00:02	Theresa Thorn	Host	And I’m Theresa.
00:00:03	Biz	Host	Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.
00:00:20	Music	Music	“Summon the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums. [Continues through dialogue.]
00:00:25	Biz	Host	This week on One Bad Mother—self-care can mean talking to a friend! Which is why we welcome back Renee Colvert. Plus, Biz walks among the dominoes.
00:00:35	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz and caller: Woooo!
00:00:37	Caller	Caller	I have officially made it through my first month of having a baby in my house again. I now have two children. In my house. And that’s a lot.
00:00:54	Biz	Host	Oh, yeah.
00:00:56	Caller	Caller	Like, I come from a family of five so I know it’s not—I know it’s not a lot, but it’s—it’s a lot! It’s a lot. So we’ve made it. We’re doing it. I am currently in the car with one of them on my way to get a COVID test because the times we live in now and I’ve had a cough and the cough is not just a cough anymore. The cough could not be a deadly virus. So yeah. That’s—that’s where I’m at! I tried to plan a surprise party this week. [Biz laughs.] I don’t know what possessed me to think that with a newborn and a toddler I could plan a surprise party for my husband for his birthday? But I thought about it. I really tried. And… then I came to my senses and talked to my husband and he’s like, “No, why would you do that? Don’t try to give me a surprise party. Let’s just have some friends over.” [Biz laughs.] So as long as we don’t have COVID then we’re just gonna do regular, not surprise, party. Anyway. This is a check-in. [Biz laughs.] Didn’t mention that but I think you’ve figured that out by now. The “woo” probably cued you in. Anyway. Thanks for having a hotline to check in ‘cause sometimes I feel like I just need—I wish somebody would check in on me? So I’m just checking in on myself here. With you, Biz. Thanks. Appreciate you having the hotline. Love the show. Bye.
00:02:22	Biz	Host	Surprise! There’s a baby in your house! [Laughs.] That is your partner’s surprise party. Surprise! We have a infant. A newborn. It’s a newborn, right? That’s what it is. It’s newborn and then infant. You’re still—you are still newborn if you have made it one month. So surprise! You’re not having a surprise party. [Laughs.] Hopefully it will not be a “surprise! You have COVID” party. That would suck. You are remarkable. You’re doing a really good job. And I—the moment I heard you say, “I thought I could plan a surprise party,” I just started laughing. I don’t know if it’s just that I am so broken and haggard at this stage, I find the most inappropriate or like… it’s a dark funny? It’s a dark funny. It’s a, “I see you and I understand the brief moment in which you thought that was gonna be a great idea.” And—[Laughs.] I think you should receive acknowledgment that you then pulled back. Now that shows you a seasoned parent. A parent who already has one kid in their house knows that when those ideas pop up, just let ‘em go. Let ‘em go! I think you’re doing remarkable. Doing such a good job. Speaking of doing a good job—it is time for thank-you’s!
00:03:53	Music	Music	Heavy electric guitar and driving percussion overlaid with “Ohh, oh-oh, oh-oh” and “Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey-ey” lyrics.
00:04:07	Biz	Host	Today I’m gonna start off with all those people testing us. Thank you. You have to do that so much, don’t we? [Laughs.] There’s so much testing. All the time. All the time. All the testing. So… thank you for that being a job and for being willing to do that job. I really appreciate it. Especially those who are maybe volunteering their time to get these pop-up testing sites set up in places where it’s harder to access tests. So… thank you for doing that. Continue to thank everyone in the medical industry no matter what your job is. You are making it so that we can—I dunno—remain a society that’s functioning? To everybody in the medical industry, it is remarkable that you continue to show up. I appreciate you. The same goes for teachers. Thank you for continuing to show up. And all the specialty sort of admin… different roles that some schools are able to offer. Counselors. Psychiatrists. Learning specialists. P.E. coaches. And librarians. All of you serve such an important role. And I appreciate you showing up to do that, too. And really? The list never ends when it comes to [through laughter] how keenly aware I am every day of all the people who make pretty much every day possible. Everywhere. Travel. Postal service. Delivery services. Store clerks. Store stockers. Truck drivers. I mean—all of it! All of it! Is kind of remarkable! And if one good thing has come out of COVID, it’s that I am enjoying having my eyes wide open at the daily efforts that people are putting out there. So… thank you.
00:06:27	Biz	Host	Speaking of putting things out there—Ellis got sick last weekend. So… Saturday he had gone over to a friend’s for a playdate, and then Saturday night started to develop a sore throat and a fever. Nothing says “it’s probably COVID” more than a sore throat and a fever. But I really didn’t think it was COVID. Because he had just gotten a test result back from Friday, so on Friday he had been tested and it was negative. Plus we did an at-home test and it was negative. So again, really didn’t think it was COVID. But keenly aware that we’re not able to go back to school until we’ve got one of the PCR tests. One of the ones you’ve gotta go in and get done. And that wasn’t gonna happen ‘til Monday. But sitting here—[Laughs.] Sitting here for that weekend—and yes, I called the people we were at the playdate with. Who, of course, one of which—the parent is a teacher at the school that we go to. And it was—you have that moment of like… “How many dominoes am I about to knock down if this is COVID? And how many dominoes are being watched with bated breath to see?” Because like, okay. If it turned out it was COVID, that would then affect the teacher, who would then affect that entire class. Who also has a relative who works at the school. That could also spiral down the peg. And that teacher has got two kids! One who’s Ellis’s age and one who is much younger and can’t get vaccinated. And that’s just like—that’s just one side of the dominoes that fall over. There’s also the dominoes on the other side, which would be Raiden and Raiden’s friends and—ahhh! And it just was like—[Laughs.] We’ve said it on the show before. That is an unfair extra pressure. It used to be Ellis would get sick and Stefan and I would say, “Who’s gonna get it?” Like, that was our biggest question. Between us, who’s next? Will it be you? Will it be me? Will we all go down at once? Will it be Raiden? What will it be? Now, that question is like secondary. [Laughs.] To the effects of your kid getting sick having on everything. And none of that even like starts looking at like how it affects our work. I’m helping my parents. Suddenly Ellis is home. Am I gonna be able to go help my parents on the errands they need to run. Stefan’s work. Arrgh. Anyway. He did not have COVID, and when we got the results Tuesday, 11:46 AM, I threw Ellis in the car. We raced to school. And I came in shouting with the paper over my head, “Negative!” [Laughs.] “Negative!” And Ellis returned to school. I’m not sure why I haven’t seen other parents screaming the word “negative” at schools, running through the hallways, But there we go. We… were negative. What’s never negative is talking with a good friend. Man, oh man. Which is why we are welcoming back good friend Renee Colvert.
00:09:56	Music	Music	Banjo strums; cheerful banjo music continues through dialogue.
00:09:57	Theresa	Host	Please—take a moment to remember: If you’re friends of the hosts of One Bad Mother, you should assume that when we talk about other moms, we’re talking about you.
00:10:04	Biz	Host	If you are married to the host of One Bad Mother, we definitely are talking about you.
00:10:08	Theresa	Host	Nothing we say constitutes professional parenting advice.
00:10:11	Biz	Host	Biz and Theresa’s children are brilliant, lovely, and exceedingly extraordinary.
00:10:14	Theresa	Host	Nothing said on this podcast about them implies otherwise. [Banjo music fades out.] [Biz and her guest repeatedly affirm, echo, and talk over each other as they discuss the weekly topic.]
00:10:21	Biz	Host	This week, I am so excited to welcome back—really because not only are they not always wonderful, they are always wonderful as a guest—but because my soul calls out for it! I am so excited to welcome back Renee Colvert. She produced the podcast Storytime with Seth Rogan, which just finished its first season. She is the new lead producer for an upcoming show at At Will Media, and of course you all know her Maximum Fun podcast, Can I Pet Your Dog?. [Gasps.] Is coming to an end! [Renee laughs.] After seven years! And over 300 wonderful episodes! And of course we had Renee on last time talking about the makeover spectacular with Renee Colvert. Which I—there’s some cliffhangers with that. So y’know. We’ll get—we’re gonna catch up. We’re gonna chat. We’re gonna just catch up. Because Mama needs it. [Renee laughs.] Welcome, Renee!
00:11:25	Renee Colvert	Guest	Biz, I think I mean it when I say there is no one I love more than you.
00:11:31	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Why do you say “I think I mean it”? [Laughs.] Renee: There might be a few?
00:11:33	Renee	Guest	There might be a few people that I love as much? Like Tugboat. And then that’s it. I genuinely think you are my favorite person. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I love you so much.
00:11:44	Biz	Host	We need to live closer together.
00:11:45	Renee	Guest	We do. We do. We do.
00:11:47	Biz	Host	Like neighbors. We could be like over-the-fence neighbors? Right?
00:11:50	Renee	Guest	What a gift that would be.
00:11:52	Biz	Host	That would be so nice!
00:11:54	Renee	Guest	‘Cause you’re so good. And listen—your listeners know this ‘cause they just—I don’t know that there’s anyone better than diluting stress but not in a like, “Hey, everybody calm down” way. In a, “Oh god!” [Biz laughs.] And then somehow I’m laughing thirty seconds later way? I don’t know how you do it but it is a magical power and I marvel at it every time I log onto the Zoom. I was—I came in frantic from a meeting like, “Oh god, I’m sorry I’m late!” And you had me chuckling within thirty seconds. So. [Biz laughs.] I don’t know how you do it!
00:12:22	Biz	Host	Oh, it’s a madhouse in here. It’s a madhouse! [Renee laughs.] In the most Alice in Wonderland type of ways. I’ll take it! I’ll take every bit of it.
00:12:32	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Renee: Yes. It is a gift. It is a true gift. Biz: See what I mean, guys?
00:12:34	Biz	Host	We needed to catch up. We needed some friend time. See how self-care this is?
00:12:38	Renee	Guest	Yes. Please.
00:12:40	Biz	Host	So tell me.
00:12:41	Renee	Guest	Yes.
00:12:42	Biz	Host	What have you been doing?
00:12:44	Renee	Guest	What is happening?
00:12:46	Biz	Host	We’re gonna start with just some classic, boring, interview style. Tell me what you’re doing.
00:12:52	Renee	Guest	I love it. Yes.
00:12:54	Biz	Host	I want to know.
00:12:56	Renee	Guest	Well I would love to tell you. It is—it’s gotten progressively more boring! [Laughs.] But it makes me happy. [Biz laughs.] So you—right. That the last time you were on, you were so sweet to indulge [through laughter] my passion project wherein I was sort of making fun of the notion of I was gonna do a makeover during pandemic. That’s how I was gonna do it. And I had these four categories of self-improvement that I was gonna do. And all along, I knew that it wasn’t gonna work. Like, it’s not gonna take, but it’d be fun to follow the journey. Turns out I overwhelmed myself so much and overcommitted myself so much. [Laughs.] That it just—never the likes with which you’ve seen a flat spin spiral of a person just going down in flames! [Biz laughs.] [Through laughter] To the point where some episodes turned into, like, glorified voicemails? “I’m tired and I owe you an episode and I just…” [Laughs.] It was so bad! So bad!
00:13:50	Biz	Host	But the ones that you did—
00:13:51	Renee	Guest	Sure.
00:13:54	Biz	Host	Were fantastic!
00:13:55	Renee	Guest	Well, you are kind to say as much and thank you. That’s—
00:13:58	Biz	Host	For real. The LeVar Burton episode. Is… is such a joy. It’s so amazing to listen to. And… it was so thoughtful and well done and… I was so happy that that is out in the world. So. I just—and I keep going back being like, “I wanna know!”
00:14:21	Renee	Guest	Oh, buddy. You are—thank you.
00:14:22	Biz	Host	I know. It’s okay. “Will—will she come home from work?” I’m like Tugboat. “Is she coming home? Is she coming home from work? What’s happening? Aaah!” Yeah! [Laughs.] yes!
00:14:34	Renee	Guest	So… I don’t—you’ve rendered me speechless. That’s so kind. I will say for LeVar, that’s all LeVar. And the—the thing of—[through laughter] I’m like, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime” I think can also be said of projects? In that it’ll either go away and it didn’t matter, or it gave me the skills that I needed to learn how to do narrative nonfiction, which is what put me on the Seth Rogan show which is what got me my new job and was what kind of sparked this new thing of like, “God, I really love storytelling in this medium.” Which is nice. It’s nice to learn such a thing.
00:15:08	Biz	Host	No, I—whether it was the makeover you were looking for or not— [Renee laughs.] —or thought you were going to have, it was, y’know. I think the greatest things come from spectacular—and I don’t wanna say “failures.” I just mean—
00:15:23	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Sometimes when we overcommit— Renee: Mm, that might be the right word for it.
00:15:25	Biz	Host	—we can then beat ourselves up for not completing it? As opposed to being like, “I overcommitted and I am learning great lessons.” [Laughs.]
00:15:32	Renee	Guest	So many things. So many things I am learning from this! Exactly. Couldn’t agree more. Couldn’t agree more. [Through laughter] And I think I am now going to cautiously raise an eyebrow at the advice that says, “You’ll never be ready! Just jump in!” No! Wait until you’re ready! [Laughs.] Finish another one!
00:15:53	Biz	Host	You really need to learn to swim! [Both laugh.] You really do! Before you become a lifeguard. It’s not applicable to all things.
00:16:02	Renee	Guest	Not to all things. Not to all things. Yeah. With that said, though, I also wouldn’t have learned how to do it had I not jumped in. So I guess maybe I just need to better my relationship with failure. But.
00:16:13	Biz	Host	So talk to me about the Seth Rogan thing!
00:16:15	Renee	Guest	Yeah! So that—the company that I was with had Seth Rogan was creating a new podcast. And he knew that he wanted it to be a little bit different. He wanted it to be narrative nonfiction, but he just wanted it to sound different. And I think the thing that was really fun to do about that is it doesn’t follow the Hero’s Journey? Every story we have—I don’t think one story we have—follows a beginning, middle, and end. Our lead character does not learn anything at the end of it? [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
00:16:41	Biz	Host	Yeah! No makeovers for the lead character!
00:16:44	Renee	Guest	Right! But so we’re at this cool concept of like—the anecdote that I just told of I tried to create a podcast and it didn’t work. There’s not really a beginning, middle, and end to that. But it’s a story that you’re just like, “Oh, gosh. Okay.” So I would add the sounds of an airplane going down. I would add this and that and sort of like, how do we sort of make our anecdotes that we have in life creative and fun to listen to? So yeah! So that’s what we did. We got to make nine episodes. Great. I had the time of my life.
00:17:14	Biz	Host	That’s amazing!
00:17:15	Renee	Guest	It was fun. Yeah! Yeah!
00:17:16	Biz	Host	Alright. And now… you are?
00:17:18	Renee	Guest	And now—yeah. So then I got scooped up by another company and so now I’m over there and when I was working on—
00:17:25	Biz	Host	Of course you did!
00:17:26	Renee	Guest	Well, you’re kind. You’re kind.
00:17:28	Biz	Host	You are scoopable! You are scoopable.
00:17:32	Renee	Guest	I’m putting that on every dating profile. I am scoopable.
00:17:36	Biz	Host	So scoopable.
00:17:38	Renee	Guest	You should scoop me.
00:17:40	Biz	Host	I’m like, “Are you a Napoleon? Are you a scoopable strawberry?” [Renee laughs.] I dunno, but you’re scoopable!
00:17:45	Renee	Guest	Well I am—and especially coming from you, that means so much. So— [Biz laughs.] It’s a little bit of a position increase. So when I was working on Seth there was—he’s brilliant. His name is Richard Parks. So he was kind of like the main maestro of it all. Now at this new company, I get to be the maestro. So—also, kinda cool to apprentice from—get to apprentice under Richard and then get to go and make my own thing! With all the skills that he taught me! So.
00:18:13	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Oh my gosh! Good job! Good job! Renee: I’m excited! Thank you!
00:18:16	Renee	Guest	Now you—how are you? I know your listeners are caught up on you, but I’m not. I’m not! I need to hear what’s going on with my sweet Biz?
00:18:21	Biz	Host	Well let’s see. A couple of things. One, my parents are out here now. And that is wonderful. It is its own new layer of juggling and balancing. But it is a pleasure to have them here. I could not be more happy to have them in my daily life. That is—
00:18:42	Renee	Guest	I love this.
00:18:44	Biz	Host	—very exciting.
00:18:45	Renee	Guest	Biz, that’s incredible.
00:18:47	Biz	Host	Onion, the cat, has moved on. To bigger litter boxes.
00:18:50	Renee	Guest	Okay. Alright. Perfect way to say such a thing.
00:18:53	Biz	Host	And that is okay. And the other two cats are here being their normal selves. And… I—in my pursuit to try and figure out the self-care portion of my life—now that I have all these new added responsibilities—Stefan gave me pottery classes for Christmas, which—
00:19:14	Renee	Guest	Oh, I bet you’re very good at that! Yeah!
00:19:16	Biz	Host	I enjoy touching stuff.
00:19:19	Renee	Guest	Yeahhh! Yeahhh, ya do! [Laughs.]
00:19:22	Biz	Host	And just mashing it and smashing it! And then very early on you realize, “No, it’s not my special gift. But that’s okay!”
00:19:31	Renee	Guest	It’s okay! It’s fun to squish!
00:19:33	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Renee and Biz: It’s fun to squish!
00:19:35	Biz	Host	So I’ve been squishing. Very excited about that. And I got roller skates. [Renee gasps.]
00:19:41	Renee	Guest	Biz, these are enormous updates! This is very exciting! Where do we go roller skating?
00:19:45	Biz	Host	I got roller skates. I have only gone out in them once, and turns out I remember a lot. But not a lot. But a lot. But then—[Laughs.] My dad had to have a little dental surgery, so I knew that I needed to be on call. So I was like, “Maybe I shouldn’t go out and doing the big practices.” [Renee laughs.] And then, y’know, break my arm the day before—during this healing recovery time.
00:20:11	Renee	Guest	It’s time to do it all. Yeah.
00:20:13	Biz	Host	But I will tell you—every time I go past—when I’m out walking the Rose Bowl—I will see people in the parking lot doing roller blading or I saw a woman practicing skateboarding? And I was like, “I bet I could just come out here an throw my stuff on and just skate this empty parking lot! People don’t know that I’m not preparing for a movie role or something! Not an almost-fifty-year-old woman out here in roller skates!” That is not what this is. It’s just being really cool.
00:20:38	Renee	Guest	Yes. Just being very cool. Mm-hm.
00:20:40	Biz	Host	And they’re possibly the coolest roller skates I’ve ever seen in my life. So… that—and Theresa does roller blading. And so if I can actually learn how to skate… she is all about us skating together.
00:20:56	Renee	Guest	Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I’m reading between the lines. The podcast on skates. First ever. I can’t wait. Where we’re gonna record? It’s gonna be great! [Laughs.]
00:21:04	Biz	Host	Yeah. That is—skating is really a—really an audible—audio—it’s the best way to appreciate roller skating is through the ears. [Renee laughs.] So—[Laughs.]
00:21:12	Renee	Guest	I love that, Biz. I am always in awe. [Biz laughs.] In a pretty positive way. The only negative is that [through laughter] I’m just like, “What am I doing with my life? I’m doing a fraction of what she’s doing and I am barely hanging on.
00:21:28	Biz	Host	Uh, a career? Pursuing your career in a healthy way? [Renee laughs.] I’m just distracting myself with roller skates sand pottery. So let’s be—let’s look at things. Both have value. [Laughs.]
00:21:41	Renee	Guest	There ya go. I love it. That’s a perfect way to look at it. I’m also incredibly impressed. I can do neither of those things. I just don’t have any type of craft skill set and/or coordination for skating. No skating.
00:21:55	Biz	Host	Shouldn’t stop ya. Don’t let it— [Renee laughs.] Don’t let it stop you! Just don’t do either of those and trip.
00:22:01	Renee	Guest	I love it. I love it! Okay.
00:22:03	Biz	Host	I love that these are like essentially my key points that I wanna share. [Laughs.] Roller skates.
00:22:07	Renee	Guest	Okay. Great. Pottery. Good. Got it. I am so curious—with your folks coming out, is it the type of thing where—‘cause I think this is coming for all of us. Well, not me, ‘cause I don’t have kids. [Laughs.] But um— [Biz laughs.] Where you are taking care of both. Is it your—
00:22:24	Biz	Host	Yeah, they have a word for it! Or a phrase. They call it—
00:22:27	Renee	Guest	What do they call it?
00:22:28	Biz	Host	“Sandwich generation.”
00:22:30	Renee	Guest	Oof. Okay.
00:22:32	Biz	Host	You are in the sandwich. And it’s not like I had—y’know. I… have been trying to get this to happen for several years. And I’ve been doing all the appropriate therapy work leading up to it. So, y’know. This was definitely a… I knew something before jumping into it. Does that mean I was prepared for what was in the water? Not all of it! But… but doggy paddling along. And for all the moments that are like, “Ugh!” Which is like parenting, too. The like plus sides? The mama telling my kids stories and my father doing like, y’know, we were raised on bar bets and poker games. Right? Like, watching them do that with the kids? Is just a delight. And there’s something about—as soon as they got out here and we were having our first sort of hangouts? It was somebody’s—it was one of the kids’ birthday parties and so we—not parties, but we were at the house and we had cake and my parents were there. And we’re all singing and being obnoxious and doing all the weird stuff that we grew up in. And I was like, “Oh! This is where I came from!” I appreciate that maybe not everybody was raised—[Laughs.] Was raised in this same environment. And they don’t think the same things are funny. Right? Or they don’t—like, whatever. Seemed perfectly normal to me. Right? And then you go out and you start to go, “Maybe it’s not normal.” But then here they are, and I’m like, “Ohhh! Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I see where I am from.” And so that has been really nice. And I think in the long run, I was more stressed out and more worried when they weren’t here? Because there was nobody—nobody there to help them! In Alabama. And my sister is so great at supporting me and, y’know, we’ve got good communications set up, which is so critical. So y’know, it is… it’s good! It’s gonna go somewhere. But like—[Laughs.] Someday they will go to the litter box in the sky. [Renee laughs.] But—
00:24:49	Renee	Guest	We all will! It’s coming for all of us!
00:24:51	Biz	Host	We all will! We all will! So that’s where we are.
00:24:55	Renee	Guest	Okay. Is there any type—I mean, just—the amount of caretaking between kids, me, your friend—is there a little bit, at this point—and do your folks listen to this show? Do they listen to the podcast?
00:25:07	Biz	Host	Sometimes.
00:25:08	Renee	Guest	Okay. Okay.
00:25:09	Biz	Host	They say—we were raised in a house of “Don’t do anything with the assumption that we’re gonna read it or listen to it or watch it.”
00:25:15	Renee	Guest	I love this. That’s perfect.
00:25:17	Biz	Host	Which is really helpful. Yeah. So you can ask weird questions.
00:25:20	Renee	Guest	Okay. Are they able to help you at all, or is it all 100% Biz helping everybody?
00:25:24	Biz	Host	No, no! When they are—A, the latest and greatest is that I took Mama to a nail salon the other day that she had found for herself and she wanted to go to and I was taking my dad on an errand to go pick up some stuff, blah, blah, blah, so I go drop her off. And it’s this tiny little salon. And when I come back—and it’s just her and the owner. And when I come back an hour later to get her, it was like walking into Cheers. It was like, “Norm!” Like, it’s her. [Renee laughs.] There are these two other eighty-year-old people in there getting their nails done. Mama’s like yelling, “I found people to talk to! I have friends!” And they’re all like, “We love her!” And then—it was so great to see? And like… then she and I sat there and had a really nice lunch together. And that is a gift to me? And… there are times when they’re at their best when they are good, they can come over and spend time with the kids. And so like… there definitely are some good benefits that I also am getting from this relationships. So yeah. Yeah.
00:26:36	Renee	Guest	Yeah. Man. I don’t… and maybe I’m just not in the know of this—in a way that—where it goes healthy. I feel like I am only familiar with stories of it being a burden and there being resentment and people getting overwhelmed. So the fact that this was done in a way that is positive? Is very impressive and I’m thrilled to hear it. That’s amazing.
00:26:56	Biz	Host	Well, highly recommend starting before everybody loses their mind.
00:26:59	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Renee: See? I think that is key. Biz: And can’t make decisions anymore.
00:27:02	Biz	Host	No, and it’s—y’know. I think that is a very fair assessment that—and experience—that a lot of people are having. We are incredibly lucky that I actually like my parents and that Stefan likes my parents and that the kids like my parents. And, y’know, I know Mama is worried that one day she’s gonna do something that will be harmful or disruptive. Y’know. But I’m just like, “Well, we’re not there.” And so… also, who likes to turn in and listen to people having a good experience? That’s not where the money is made! [Renee laughs.] People only want the drama!
00:27:41	Renee	Guest	Well… fair. Fair, fair, fair. I’m sorry to be part of that people. I’m sorry to be part of the problem.
00:27:45	Biz	Host	No, it’s okay! It’s okay. It’s okay.
00:27:47	Renee	Guest	It sounds like the reason that it does go so well is you go to therapy first and you really consider—what will this actually look like? And that you’re taking not a gratitude journal to it, but you’re taking the moments to be like, “There’s some difficult times” but you’re relishing the good times. Which I think is key? To being happy with something? Gratitude?
00:28:06	Biz	Host	I gotta experiment on my children with all of this great mental health. [Renee laughs.] So, y’know. That—it’s just—finally a reason for having these things in my house!
00:28:15	Renee	Guest	Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it.
00:28:17	Biz	Host	How’s your dog?
00:28:19	Renee	Guest	How’s my sweet, sweet Tugboat? Yeah, god. So funny that I was thinking of you this morning. So grateful for work. Beyond grateful. But today I am in Los Angeles. Most of the company is in New York. So occasionally, I’m gonna have to hope on a meeting at 7AM. So I gotta get Tugboat out and using the restroom before 7. And I tell ya what? 40 minutes in? Still wasn’t quite feeling it. Wasn’t quite feeling like he was ready.
00:28:43	Biz	Host	That’s not his schedule! That’s not his schedule! [Laughs.]
00:28:45	Renee	Guest	[Through laughter] Right! So the exact—and this is a dog, again. Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet One Bad Mother-ers, the notion that this was just a dog and the equal balance of me being livid with him. “You have had 40 minutes. I have to get to this meeting. I am so stressed—why are you sniffing right now?” [Biz laughs.] So angry! But then also so guilty. “I should’ve gotten up early. We should’ve gone out twenty minutes early and now you’re gonna have to wait for an hour and you’re gonna have to hold it—"
00:29:16	Biz	Host	If that was not how we all felt— [Renee laughs.] —then there would be like—I mean, about anything! Partners, kids, dogs. Whatever. The boss. [Laughs.]
00:29:25	Renee	Guest	So crazy! But that combo—that sweet, sweet combo of rage and guilt? Is a lot! [Laughs.]
00:29:32	Biz	Host	Isn’t that fun? How does that make ya feel? [Renee laughs.]
00:29:36	Renee	Guest	Just terrible! It’s so bad!
00:29:39	Biz	Host	It feels horrible! Rage and guilt.
00:29:41	Renee	Guest	So I found—found myself thinking of actual parents who I guarantee go through this all the time.
00:29:47	Biz	Host	Well, sure!
00:29:49	Renee	Guest	It’s just so much. How do you do it, you guys? I don’t know! I don’t know.
00:29:52	Biz	Host	Nothing’s healthy. There’s nothing healthy. [Renee laughs.] I had—very few people have called in and been like, “My genius is I really got healthy about it.” Right? No. The genius is—
00:30:03	Renee	Guest	Perfect. I’m able to hold both equally.
00:30:05	Biz	Host	“I’ve hidden a stack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in a drawer that’s out of reach of my children.” It’s like that. And I’m like, “Go for it!”
00:30:12	Renee	Guest	“There we go!” That’s how it should be. So, okay. Well, that makes me feel better that we all have it. But it definitely—any time I struggle with that dog. Yes.
00:30:20	Biz	Host	But I’ll also tell you that you’re doing a horrible job and how dare you feel resentful of— [Renee laughs.] —this is why we don’t have a dog yet. ‘Cause I’m like, I am not sure like… I am not sure that I am ready for one more thing that is going to have their own agenda. And like… it’s—cats? Very flexible creatures. Very, very flexible. This is why I would never train my cat to go on a leash ‘cause I’m like, well then the demands will start. Then you’ll be like, “Walksies!” And I’ll be like, “What? No, you’re a cat. You’re a cat.” No. No, no, no, no, no.
00:31:00	Renee	Guest	Not that at all. Not that at all. You are a little finicky about me petting you and that’s it. That’s the only opinion you get to hold. Yeah. [Laughs.]
00:31:06	Biz	Host	That’s right! Otherwise you sleep on my head. You steal my donuts. And… otherwise you are a sweet, perfect booboo.
00:31:15	Renee	Guest	So we have a bit of a fight this morning, but now we’re good as rain. Everybody’s getting along. I apologized. He seemed to forgive me. He sniffed his own butt, and I was like, “I think that’s a ‘I forgive you.’” And we moved along. Yeah.
00:31:28	Biz	Host	You know what else you had talked about the last time you were here? And that was you had gotten into your own space!
00:31:35	Renee	Guest	Yes! A gift!
00:31:37	Biz	Host	Without a roommate! And I’m looking at your—I’m looking in your house. And you’ve got these lovely prints on the wall and the sun is coming in and the couch and like everything is so grown-up and adult!
00:31:52	Renee	Guest	Oh, thank you!
00:31:53	Biz	Host	So how is it going? ‘Cause that can be a huge adjustment! You’re like, “Heaven. Fucking heaven.”
00:31:57	Renee	Guest	Yeah. But—absolute heaven. It’s been—it’s been divine. It’s absolutely amazing. Every now—yes. Would it be great to have a partner to pass the baton of the dog to when I have to get into a meeting? Sure. But those are few and far between for the most part I get to watch what I wanna watch on TV. [Biz laughs.] I go to bed when I wanna go to bed. I have what I want in the kitchen.
00:32:17	Biz	Host	Are you watching anything good?
00:32:19	Renee	Guest	So—yeah. Well you know what? I am—I’m watching so much. That’s the other nice thing about being a single lady that lives by herself is I miss nothing. What streaming service you got?
00:32:27	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Biz: Yeah. I missed everything. I’m like— Renee: I’ll tell you what I’m watching. [Laughs.]
00:32:29	Biz	Host	Just now, last night, I was like so stressed out and like [makes “kck” noise] and I was like, “I’m going out to the garage to find something indulgent!” ‘Cause that’s where the TV is or film things or—and I go out and I was like, “I don’t even know what that would look like!” And then I found the Deadwood movie that came out years after the show, and I’d really liked—and I was like, “Yeah. I’m gonna watch this thing in which Timothy Olyphant is somehow less sexy than he is now. God. That is a sexy man. And I’m gonna watch it and I’m just gonna listen to people swear all the time in a Shakespearean way. And shoot each other in the head!” So like—but I’m like, Deadwood is—that is—that’s old! That’s been out for a while! [Renee laughs.] For a while! For like a bit. For a bit. I’m like, have you guys heard of this cool show Friends?!
00:33:23	Renee	Guest	“It’s great! Ya gotta see it! Ya gotta see it!”
00:33:25	Biz	Host	Alright. So what are you watching? Tell me. You will be my pulse on the culture. Maybe we’ll have you come in and only tell us what’s happening in the world.
00:33:32	Renee	Guest	Let me tell you what’s on. And we’ll swing the gamut. We’ll start at wholesome and work our way to absolutely depraved. Are you watching Abbott Elementary on ABC just yet?
00:33:41	Biz	Host	No. No.
00:33:42	Renee	Guest	Okay.
00:33:44	Biz	Host	I’m watching nothing! But go ahead. That’s not true. I’m watching a few things, but they all involve punching people in the face. So go ahead.
00:33:50	Renee	Guest	Sure. So this one is just wholesome and sweet. It stars, is created by, and written by Quinta Brunson? Who is just this—I think started out as a Buzzfeed personality. She’s a brilliant comedian and the premise of it is, it is a school in South Philly. So it’s an elementary school. And it really sort of taps on the issues of like being underbudgeted and not having the proper support and teachers bonding together and what they do to still present the curriculum regardless? But it is real funny and they sort of take a page from Office type of filming? So there’s some looks at the camera? It is the best salve of a rough day where you’re just—everything gets solved at the end and people ultimately like each other— [Biz laughs.] —and it’s just—[Laughs.] So sweet!
00:34:37	Biz	Host	No one’s punching in the face. Alright. I can try that.
00:34:41	Renee	Guest	It’s great. I saw producer Gabe nod his head. Do you agree? Abbott Elementary’s good? We get a thumbs up. Thumbs up. I think Abbott Elementary is like a universally-beloved new thing that’s out on ABC.
00:34:51	Biz	Host	Alright. I can catch up.
00:34:53	Renee	Guest	We can take it? We can take it. And then if you get yourself on over to HBO, the one that I am just now getting into—and I think there’s a little bit of like, “Oh, Renee, what are you going through?” [Biz laughs.] I have always said I don’t want kids, but I’m now entering the age arena of like, “No, it’s not a choice anymore.” [Laughs.] You’re not gonna get to be like, “No, I never—I never wanted.” It’ll just be something that my body’s decided that, “Oh, no. Well there’s no eggs. The eggs are gone.” [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
00:35:22	Biz	Host	Which is, in itself, a worthwhile discussion of like—I had a really good friend who, y’know, didn’t have kids but there was this moment where they then had to have—because of a medical condition—they wound up having to have a hysterectomy. Which was like… just before—like just somewhere in the forties. And then they literally told me—and I’m so glad they did—they were like, “I just couldn’t talk to you for like a year ‘cause I was like dealing with—even though I didn’t necessarily want kids, I was sort of grieving… the having.”
00:35:57	Renee	Guest	The choice. The option.
00:35:59	Biz	Host	The choice. And that is totally fair! Right? That’s—yeah. Anyway. Go ahead. Alright. So. What is the show?
00:36:05	Renee	Guest	So mine is not a hysterectomy, it’s just a lack of a partner has taken away the option. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] But so again, it’s a choice, it’s a choice, it’s a choice, but I think I am really trying to zero in and focus on the things that I think I would not be good at? Much like mentally screaming at the dog, “Stop sniffing! We have to go in!” [Biz laughs.] Like that would translate to a kid. But the show that will make you go, “Oh, god!” is Euphoria on HBO. So it is these kiddos in high school who… I can’t. Biz, the thing—the amount of drugs and sex and just absolute crime that they get themselves into while their parents know nothing about it is horrifying in a way that I’m just like, “No, this is good. This is good. Kids? Yeah.” [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] So, Euphoria is my birth control. Right.
00:37:01	Biz	Host	I watched, like, Kids a million years—y’know when that movie Kids came out? Which—again—really a long time ago. And I was like… what the fuck are these kids doing?! Why are they all having sex at like eleven and twelve and they just murdered somebody with a skateboard! [Renee laughs.] And I just was like, “Aaah!” Like, “Augh!” And so… yeah. I don’t—I don’t know if I need to see that. Okay. Next? Next?
00:37:26	Renee	Guest	Yes. Okay. Gosh. Let’s see. Well now—okay. So we covered—we’ve covered—
00:37:30	Biz	Host	I wanna get to the depraved. We’re shifting to depraved.
00:37:32	Renee	Guest	Well Euphoria’s pretty depraved.
00:37:34	Biz	Host	Okay. Alright. Fair enough.
00:37:36	Renee	Guest	That’ll get you pretty depraved. I’ve been rewatching Better Call Saul because that one’s coming back out for us, which is very exciting. And then there’s a show on Netflix called Better Things with Pamela Adlon, and that one’s—that’s just about single parenting. I guess… watching how hard parenting is my kink? [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] It’s like, oh man! You guys—I don’t know how you’re doing it! I don’t know how you’re doing it. Ridiculous. What a mess. Yes.
00:38:02	Biz	Host	I love catching up with you.
00:38:04	Renee	Guest	It is so good to talk to you. Yeah. This is—it truly feels lighter. I was like, “Oh, I just talked to my pal!”
00:38:12	Biz	Host	Me too! Like I needed not thinking about the back pain. And just thinking like, y’know, I know that Renee is out in the world. That is a good thing.
00:38:20	Renee	Guest	I got my Biz. I got my Biz.
00:38:21	Biz	Host	Renee? We need to do this more often. Just for—not even publicly. We should do it just the two of us.
00:38:29	Renee	Guest	Would absolutely love that. Yes.
00:38:31	Biz	Host	Not that I don’t love talking to you in front of an audience.
00:38:33	Renee	Guest	Sure. But you—we should just go get coffee! We should go get lunch! We gotta go do that!
00:38:38	Biz	Host	Yes. We should just do that.
00:38:39	Renee	Guest	Okay. Okay.
00:38:41	Biz	Host	But what I am reminded of is how—what a treat it is to give myself a conversation with a friend and even if it was just like thirty, forty—three hours—minutes. It’s gonna be one of those shows, guys. It is a good thing for my bucket. And… I—so I encourage everybody to go out and talk to Renee. Or— [Renee laughs.] —anybody else that is Renee-like, even if it’s just for a few minutes. It’s very helpful. I am so glad to hear about all the work that you’re doing and I can’t wait ‘til you have created the thing that you’re creating so that we can have you back on to talk about it.
00:39:16	Renee	Guest	Okay. You got it. Deal.
00:39:18	Biz	Host	You are wonderful!
00:39:20	Renee	Guest	You are wonderful. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s also—isn’t it also so interesting—like, another reason to talk to a friend is because you will find out that everyone has these gaping holes of, like, “Well that’s not going well.” [Biz laughs.] “Over there, that is a mess.” [Laughs.]
00:39:32	Biz	Host	That’s a big hole of a mess. Yes! No! That is 90% of why we should all be talking to each other, is the fact—to be reminded that like, “Wow, that’s a shit—everybody has the shitshow.”
00:39:46	Renee	Guest	‘Cause to look on Instagram, look at her climb that—ooh, she is clawing her way to the top of the career!
00:39:51	Biz	Host	I don’t look at those anymore! I don’t look at any of them. Which is really bad for the promotion of this show.
00:39:57	Crosstalk	Crosstalk	Renee: Well, no. I think—no. You don’t need it. You don’t need it. Biz: And I apologize that this is not a social-media-based/driven show.
00:40:03	Biz	Host	But I just can’t look at those things anymore. Also, I know they’re all—I know, I just am like, “Eh, is that bringing me joy?”
00:40:10	Renee	Guest	No. It’s not. It’s not. Let’s stay away! Let’s all stay away from it. But it’s nice to talk to people and just be like, “Oh, no, we’re all barely hanging on.” [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
00:40:20	Biz	Host	That’s the Instagram I want.
00:40:23	Renee	Guest	[Through laughter] There ya go. Right?
00:40:25	Biz	Host	Alright. Thank you, Renee!
00:40:26	Renee	Guest	Thank you! Thank you so much for having me!
00:40:28	Biz	Host	Yayyy!
00:40:30	Music	Music	“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds. [Music fades out.]
00:40:47	Music	Promo	Cheerful ukulele with whistling plays in background.
00:40:48	Biz	Promo	One Bad Mother is supported in part by BetterHelp online therapy. Relationships take work, especially the most important one that you can have in your life—your relationship with yourself! Man, kids get in your house and suddenly finding the space and time to give yourself the care that you need? Becomes very elusive. BetterHelp is online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don’t have to see anyone on camera if you do not want to. It’s much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Give it a try and see why over two million people have used BetterHelp online therapy. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, and One Bad Mother listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com/badmother. That’s B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com/badmother. [Music fades out.]
00:41:53	Music	Promo	Inspirational keyboard music plays in background.
00:41:54	Biz	Promo	One Bad Mother is supported in part by Dipsea. Dipsea Stories is an app full of sexy audio stories, and now they even have brand-new written stories. Y’know, if reading is the kind of thing that turns you on. Self-care is so important, and I don’t know if we can get more self-care than getting in touch with yourself. You can close your eyes and let yourself get lost in a world where only good things happen and pleasure is your only priority. You can explore your fantasies in a safe, shame-free way. And now let me emphasize one more time—pleasure is your only priority. Where else do you get to say that about your life? For listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/badmother. That’s 30 days of full access for free when you go to D-I-P-S-E-AStories.com/badmother. That’s DipseaStories.com/badmother. [Music fades out.]
00:43:01	Theresa	Clip	Hey, you know what it’s time for! This week’s genius and fails! This is the part of the show where we share our genius moment of the week, as well as our failures, and feel better about ourselves by hearing yours. You can share some of your own by calling 206-350-9485. That’s 206-350-9485.
00:43:20	Biz	Host	Genius fail time. Genius me, me!
00:43:25	Clip	Clip	[Dramatic, swelling music in background.] Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius!
00:43:39	Biz	Host	Okay. Been a lot happening in the Biz responsibility world, but I made a commitment—and I’ve made this commitment before, guys, and have not lived up to the commitment. But this time, for at least two weeks, I made the commitment to going out and walking, which is like my… my—y’know people talk about love languages between people? It is my like… my boost. My soul booster. My emotional booster. My centering. The thing that empties my bucket is going out on a walk. And I just went. Four days a week. Last two weeks. Have gone out and done a mega walk. And it has really helped! It has really helped me stay centered and balanced. Though I will say that today, my body really hurts. [Laughs.] That’s okay! That’s why the good Lord invented Tylenol.
00:44:37	Caller	Caller	[Answering machine beeps.] Why thank you, Biz. I am doing a great job. I am having a genius! It is a Sunday afternoon and kind of blah and cold and so my daughter decided that a great pick-me-up would be cupcakes. Unfortunately we don’t have any boxed cupcake mix, and so I had to make it from scratch. And unfortunately she decided that she didn’t want to help me, even though this week in school they learned about the Little Red Hen and how—you know how the story goes. All the animals didn’t wanna help her, but then they wanted the reward in the end of being able to eat her delicious baked goods. She didn’t—my daughter did not see the similarity there. But I decided since I’m making cupcakes, I get to decide what flavors I want these cupcakes to be. So I’m making a simple vanilla cupcake, but I’m putting a cinnamon buttercream on top. Which sounds delicious to me, but I’m suspicious she’s not gonna like them. So here’s where the genius comes in—I put half of the cupcakes in regular cupcake holders, and the other half I put in special polka dot ones. So that when I ice half with the regular buttercream and the rest with the cinnamon buttercream, I’ll know which ones are mine and which ones the rest of the family has to share. So that is my genius for thinking ahead and realizing she probably won’t want the cinnamon ones. Because she’s a little bit picky. And this Little Red Hen wants her cupcakes. [Biz laughs.] Love you all! Bye!
00:46:08	Biz	Host	Wow. Little Red Hen! I—this is like a self-care cake parenting moment? This is… self… cake-ing? Is that a thing? I—okay. Multiple geniuses. One, yeah. Yeah. If no one wants to help the Little Red Hen? Then the Little Red Hen gets to pick the flavors of their cupcakes. And you are a very nice Little Red Hen by still making some that the others can eat. But identifying your own—is genius. ‘Cause those icings will look a lot alike. You are doing a really good job! Good job! Failures.
00:46:51	Clip	Clip	[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.] Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL! [Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.] Biz: [Calmly] You suck!
00:46:57	Biz	Host	Fail me, me. Well that’ll be easy. Alright. Guys? There was as freak winter storm that hit Pasadena earlier this week. Just out of nowhere, in the evening, the sky turned sort of a greenish tan. The temperature dropped. It started hailing. So much hail that it literally—it looked like snow. We had at the various areas around town, it looked like we had snow! It was so crazy. It was very intense. And—I left my sunroof open on my car. Duh-duh, duh, duh-da-duh. Boop!
00:47:41	Caller	Caller	[Answering machine beeps.] Hey, guys. I finally did it. I left my phone at the park. This is a fail. I got halfway home with my nineteen-month-old in a stroller, and he’s having a meltdown because he’s been at the park for an hour and he’s having a great time. But we have to leave ‘cause he’s getting tired. And I had to walk all the way back. And looked for my phone. And asked around, looking like a crazy person. And I found it on the side [inaudible]. Thank you guys! [Laughs.]
00:48:10	Biz	Host	Ta-daa! That’s sort of like the sunroof. Don’t have to say much. Not a lot to say! You did it. You… finally did it. Maybe we should call these “finally fails.” [Laughs.] “Finally. I left my phone at the park.” You are doing a, y’know, horrible job. Just like me. At being really just out. In the world. [Laughs.] In the world. Really just trying to do anything. So. Ha, ha on you. And me.
00:48:46	Music	Music	“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics. You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known. I love you, I love you. When I have a problem, I call you on the phone. I love you, I love you. [Music fades out.]
00:49:10	Promo	Clip	Music: Mellow, hypnotic guitar music plays in the background. Janet Varney: [In soothing voice] Hi. I’m Janet Varney. And just like you, I survived high school. And we’re not alone! On my podcast, The JV Club, I invite some of my friends to share the highs and lows of their teen years. Like moments with Aisha Tyler— Aisha Tyler: When you’re a kid, the stakes are just pretty low! Go to school, try not to get in trouble, get laid— Janet: Jameela Jamil— Jameela: I watched television probably every waking hour during that time and I was shitfaced on medicine. Janet: And Dave Holmes— Dave: We talked and talked and then everybody left. It was just us two. And I was like, “I love you.” Janet: Learn how you, too, can be a functioning adult after the drama and heartbreak of high school. Every week on The JV Club with Janet Varney. Find it on Maximum Fun. Or wherever you get your podcasts! This is a judgment-free show.
00:49:57	Promo	Clip	[Thunder rumbles.] Speaker: We have wasted this world. Our magic put a storm in the sky that has rendered the surface of our planet uninhabitable. But… beneath the surface? Well that’s another story entirely. [Glowing noise, then slow-paced, melodramatic, ‘80s videogame music.] Speaker: In a city built leagues below the apocalypse, survivors of the storm forge paths through a strange, new world. Some seek salvation for their homeland above. Others seek to chart the vast undersea expanse outside the city’s walls. And others still seek… what else? Fortune and glory. Dive into the Ethersea, the latest campaign from The Adventure Zone. Every-other Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts.
00:50:44	Biz	Host	[Singing] Oooh, everybody! [Regular voice] Alright, everybody. It is time to listen to a mom have a breakdown.
00:50:54	Caller	Caller	[Answering machine beeps.] Hey, One Bad Mother! This is definitely a rant or a breakdown. So—[sniffling, starting to cry]—oh my god. My poor daughter had to get a palate expander in. Of course. And y’know, we mentally prepared. I gave her all the gifts and she did such a good job. But then she ended up having a rare allergic reaction to it where her face swelled up so bad that her left eye was shut. And [crying] she was such a trooper. But she just doesn’t understand why this kind of stuff keeps happening to her. But at least we found out she does have my severe nickel allergy. Which is just… so rare that it would even cause a problem like this. So now we have to start the whole damn process over again, and the kicker is her dad, of course, is in Slovakia, which is six hours ahead. And he doesn’t get it! And we had a Nor’easter this Saturday, so this [inaudible] has had to open up for us. And I’m so thankful that they did that. But it shouldn’t have had to happen! I shouldn’t have had to go drive in the snow and take my daughter. It’s just so hard. And the other worst part is I’m still recovering from spinal fusion surgery. [Laughs.] And luckily I have neighbors who shoveled for me so that I could get my daughter to her appointment that she should have never had to have. [Through laughter] And it’s just a mess. I don’t know. But nobody cares. [Laughs through tears.] And I’m all alone. And it’s hard. And I really don’t feel like I’m doing a good job, because I should have known that to tell—I didn’t even think that you could be allergic to a palate expander. I had braces and I’ve been allergic for metal for years, and I didn’t have this kind of problem. I should have known. But anyway. Thank you so much for listening. This doesn’t make any sense, I know. But it’s just really hard. Bye.
00:53:21	Biz	Host	I gotta tell ya—first of all, you are doing a great job. You’re doing a remarkable job! Also, it makes about as much sense as a sack of bananas. Which we know is where we live. ‘K? We are constantly in a sack of bananas. It—it’s a sack. There’s produce in it. What does that feel like? What is that? That’s not right. Who puts bananas in a sack? Nothing is where it’s supposed to be. Okay. And this is one of the rare calls in which I would normally say “you should have led with the recovery that you were going through,” but actually that recovery that you’re going through is pretty much on par with watching your child have such a reaction to a palate expander. Which—by the way—we could’ve just stopped at “palate expander.” Those are really difficult. They’re really hard. And I… as a parent, you—[sighs]. There’s so many things—again… like, I kinda knew this was something that was gonna happen? But you don’t really think about it and there’s not really a way to prepare for it? But in order to help our children with their health—[Laughs.] There are lots of times it means we have to do things and—that aren’t things that we would normally wanna do! I don’t wanna do that! I didn’t wanna—I had to pull like a bunch of Raiden’s teeth! Not me personally, but like—I didn’t want to. I know how painful and disorienting and bleh that’s gonna be. But still had to do it so that her mouth did not consume itself with teeth as they got older. But like, that’s… that alone… is a level of pressure and stress that’s enough. To warrant having a breakdown. But to have a reaction to the palate expander—there’s no way you could have known that was gonna happen. And I hear you. I hear you with the hindsight, “I can’t believe I didn’t mention. I should’ve.” Blah, blah, blah. How you shouldn’t have! You couldn’t have known to do that! You’re right—that wasn’t something you should have thought about! Your life experiences to date have not led you to knowing that is a thing you should say! No one should have expected that sort of reaction. And that is one of the shitty things about discovery, is most of the time there’s no preparation for it. And you’re only left with the feeling of… sitting in this new thing you’ve learned and you’re left with all this new knowledge? That just provokes that inner judgment voice in you. It’s just like, “I’m new knowledge! You didn’t know me! Wanna fight? Wanna dance, judgment? Want to?” So I just… I just want you to know you’re not alone in that line of thinking. That so many of us have had these moments of, “I wish I had known. I wish I had… said or thought to say—” But it—but we—we couldn’t have known to do it. And your own recovery is also enough on its own. And then a snowstorm? You’re right! I believe somewhere in here you were like, “None of this should be happening. I shouldn’t have to be doing any of this.” [Laughs.] It’s like—that is such a true statement! “I shouldn’t have to be doing any of this! This is not—” [Laughs.] “I shouldn’t have to be driving in a snowstorm to take my child in who’s having a horrible allergic reaction to a thing that none of us knew was gonna cause an allergic—” Of course you’re not supposed to be doing that! And what wonderful neighbors that you have. This, again, is why I feel like we should be sharing all kind of stuff with each other. Right? Like if I knew that my neighbor had that problem and I saw the snow land, regardless of if my neighbor needed to leave, I would check in to see if they needed it shoveled out! Right? Like… but how can we help each other if we don’t know anything about each other? Right? So… I just… I think you’re doing a remarkable job helping your child. Helping yourself. And… allowing others to help you. You are actually not alone. Not even in the slightest. You are amongst a community of people who have been there or are on the way there. Okay? You are doing an amazing job.
00:58:20	Biz	Host	Everybody? Y’know, it is the lesson that we continue to learn, or we know so well that we don’t wanna hear it again. But it’s true! None of us are the only one going through it. And it can feel like it? Absolutely! None of that is to invalidate the feeling of isolation or feeling like you’re completely alone, but I need to remind you that you are not. And what today proved to me was how easy it is for me to not touch base with friends? To not check in? To like, “Oh, they’re there. I know. They’re good. I’ll call them later. It’ll be later. It’ll be later. It’ll be later.” But like, what a—like—replenishment for my mind to get a chance to talk. It’s sort of—really is like when I listen to the calls, guys. Like I’m like, [Through laughter] it’s just—I love listening to them! Good, bad, fails, rants, check-ins. It doesn’t matter. Because it makes me feel less alone! So I just… make sure you remember all of those things. You are not alone. If you can check in with a friend, check in with a friend. Even just a few minutes can make a difference. And that you really, really are doing a remarkable job. And it is, in fact, all too much and yet you’re doing it. And I will talk to you next week. Byeee!
01:00:02	Music	Music	“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics. I got the lowdown momma blues Got the the lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues The lowdown momma blues. Gots the lowdown momma blues Got the lowdown momma blues You know that’s right. [Music fades.]
01:00:26	Biz	Host	We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Gabe Mara; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.
01:00:55	Theresa	Host	One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/join. [Music resumes for a while before fading out.]
01:01:18	Music	Transition	A cheerful ukulele chord.
01:01:19	Speaker 1	Guest	MaximumFun.org.
01:01:20	Speaker 2	Guest	Comedy and culture.
01:01:22	Speaker 3	Guest	Artist owned—
01:01:23	Speaker 4	Guest	—Audience supported.

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About the show

One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren’t all magical vessels!

Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing.

Call in your geniuses and fails: 206-350-9485. For booking and guest ideas, please email onebadmother@maximumfun.org. To keep up with One Bad Mother on social media, follow @onebadmothers on Twitter and Instagram.