Transcript
biz
Hi. I’m Biz.
theresa
And I’m Theresa.
biz
Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.
music
“Summoning the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums. [Continues through dialogue.]
biz
This week on One Bad Mother—it’s okay if you don’t speak the language! We talk to Mary McCown about her new kids’ book, Wigglesworth in Lutinland. Plus, Biz is worried!
crosstalk
Biz and caller: Woooo! Biz: Woo!
caller
Thank you! I’m so grateful! Thank you so much for doing this show every week in the middle of a freaking pandemic! I… I literally am so grateful that I truly am wooing out of gratefulness. Biz, you’re such a badass for doing this whole thing! And Theresa, it’s such a light to hear your voice pop up that I have this dose of normalcy in the middle of such a shitshow make me woo. And I’m so grateful and I wanted to call you every week to tell you how grateful I am. Thank you. Thank you so much for doing this show. Thank you.
biz
I wanna say, thank you to you. Thank you for that woo and for wooing and leaving that. I normally try not to play very— [Laughs.] Very “Thank you Biz and Theresa” calls on the show, but I gotta tell ya—sometimes, when I’ve hit my wall and, y’know, I’m working on a project or something and it totally doesn’t come out the way I want it to, my natural inclination is to then start pulling apart everything that I do? And usually the show pops right up there. “This isn’t the show that it started out to be.” Y’know. “Is this show doing the same thing that it once was? Is that okay if it’s not? I miss Theresa so much and having these conversations. And, y’know, are these helpful? Am I just talking to people?” [Laughs.] Like, and so I often talk about going out and telling each other that you’re doing a good job, and I just wanna let you know that when you have called and left me those messages or emailed us, it is appreciated and it does make a difference and it really helps. So I just wanted to say thank you for listening. Now that we are all settled in on the thank-you train, let’s bust out the pandemic One Bad Mother thank-yous! I can’t say it enough—thank you healthcare workers. You are really amazing! Like, jaw-dropping amazing. And it’s tireless, and there’ve got to be so many feelings mixed up in this for people working in this field when it comes to their own families; their own lives; a lot of the times they’re having to put their own families aside while they look after those who are sick in order to protect their own families? And I just think that’s… remarkable. And it’s doctors. It’s nurses. It’s the administrations. It’s the people who go in and keep those sites clean and safe for us and I so, so appreciate it. I know that you are completely overrun at this moment. And I—let’s all continue to show our support for them by wearing our masks. Hell, let’s wear four masks. Let’s just pile on the masks. Okay? Just wear ‘em on your head and over your face would be good. And I wanna thank teachers and people who work in the schools. This has been a daunting school year. Uh— [Laughs.] Just—I don’t need to say more about that. I just needed to say “thank you.” And thank you to all the essential workers. Everybody from the people who collect our trash to the people who are working in our grocery stores and banks and all of the daily needs that we have? We are able to have our needs met every day and have some semblance of normally because there are people who are willing to show up for those jobs. And I see you and really, really thank you. Also, I wanna thank the stars above for such an exciting, great week. I had a thoroughly wonderful Wednesday basking in the inauguration. I love inaugurations. I love government. I love watching all the people do the things that they need to be doing. And I will say that as we almost hit a year in the pandemic, it is kinda hard to stay super hopeful and positive all the time? And even when I personally do not see an end close? In sight? I have felt the sparks of hope from seeing competent people in roles to address the pandemic and the other issues that the country’s facing right now. So I think that’s good.
biz
Now, here’s what I’m gonna check in with you about. I’m a little worried. I’m a little worried that as my children get older, they are getting… not as smart? [Laughs.] Somebody tell me if your tween is doing this. Guys? Okay. Here’s the scenario, and yes. This is one of a million examples. So I’m in the other room and I overhear the following conversation: Kat has gotten up off the couch. Stefan has asked Kat to clean up the popcorn crumbs that are on the couch. I can hear that what their response was, was to take their hand and just sweep the popcorn kernels off the couch, onto the floor, and start heading out of the room. [Laughs.] Stefan—not a fan. Not a fan of this happening. And he says, “What?! That’s not how you clean that up!” “Well what did you want me to do?” “I wanted you to clean them up. Like, sweep them up and put them in the trash.” “How would I even do that?” “Well… there’s a dustpan. Or the little hand-vac we just got.” “I don’t even know where they are!” “There’s only one other room they could be in.” “You need to be clearer with what it is that you want me to do!" [Laughs.] I didn’t think I had to be clearer with you. Like, that… [lost for words]. Several feelings are brought up for me. One, the idea that cleaning it up was just sweeping it to the floor. This is fascinating to me. And then the other is often my children are yelling they don’t know how or where to do this thing that I need them to do. And it’s not like I’m asking them to redo the plumbing. It’s like… put the dish in the dishwasher. “How do I do that?” Oh my god, have I just failed you as a parent? Have I not taught you enough of things? Have I—you can use the Switch and you figured out the television remote at age three. How do you not know how to put a dish in the goddamn dishwasher?! So I’m a little worried. I’m a little worried. The pandemic is not helping? With I think Stefan and mine’s patience level when it comes to this sort of reverse in problem solving that has settled in on my oldest. So just… stay tuned in to this channel to see how this evolves over the next seven years. [Laughs.] Speaking of evolving, a lot of time has evolved and passed since we had this week’s guest on the show. Mary McCown is back, and she is going to talk to us about her new kids’ book, Wigglesworth in Lutinland.
music
Banjo strums; cheerful banjo music continues through dialogue.
theresa
Please—take a moment to remember: If you’re friends of the hosts of One Bad Mother, you should assume that when we talk about other moms, we’re talking about you.
biz
If you are married to the host of One Bad Mother, we definitely are talking about you.
theresa
Nothing we say constitutes professional parenting advice.
biz
Biz and Theresa’s children are brilliant, lovely, and exceedingly extraordinary.
theresa
Nothing said on this podcast about them implies otherwise. [Banjo music fades out.] [Biz and Mary repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss the weekly topic.]
biz
This week I am so excited to welcome back award-winning journalist, former host of CBC Manitoba’s Living Winnipeg, and children’s book author Mary McCown. Born and raised in Birmingham, Alabama—woo!—now lives in rural Quebec, where she has experienced firsthand the challenges and the rewards of learning a second language. She recently published Wigglesworth in Lutinland, an interactive children’s book which promotes language learning. You can always go back and listen to the first time we spoke with Mary on episode 72! God! It’s 300 episodes ago! [Singing and clapping in time] Welcome, Mary!
mary
[Laughs.] Hey, Biz! [Biz laughs.] Wow!
crosstalk
Mary: 300 episodes ago! 300 episodes ago! Biz: It’s almost a little—
biz
A little more! Yeah! I know! So what’s changed?
mary
Congratulations! [Biz laughs.]
biz
Thank you. I wanna start—‘cause I do actually wanna know what’s happened in the last 300 episodes, so I’m gonna ask—who lives in your house? Has it changed? Have they gotten older and hairier? [Both laugh.]
mary
That is so true! Very good question. Now who lives in my house—I have two sons. I think 300 episodes ago—
crosstalk
Mary: —I think I had two sons. [Laughs.] I had two sons. Biz: You still had two. You had two. You had taken away—
biz
But you had taken away somebody’s electronics and made them go for a whole week without electronics. That was a delight.
mary
That’s right! That’s when Underwear Boy came to life and he was so bored he was putting underwear. Put a different pair of underwear on every single day for a week? That was funny. I forgot Underwear Boy. [Biz laughs.]
crosstalk
Biz: Well, you’re welcome, teen! [Laughs.] Mary: Oh, I’m gonna have to grab my other one! [Laughs.]
biz
You’re welcome, teen. Let’s remember other embarrassing things about you. Anyway. Okay. So— [Mary laughs.] You have two sons. How old are they now?
mary
15 and 9. Can you believe it? 300 episodes ago they would’ve been, like, 8 and 3 probably.
biz
Oh my god. 15… and 9. 15! Alright. Tell me everybody else who lives in the house just before I go back to talking about teens.
mary
Well, I have my husband. The Ebola man. [Both laugh.] Underwear Boy and Ebola Man are still here. But now we—I don’t have everybody in the house. I have four dogs who live in the house, so we’re outnumbered. There could be mutiny at any point. Because while we’re not outnumbered by dogs— [Biz laughs.] —but we have two goats, which I would love to let in the house. Don’t let me—I could go on and on about goats, but let me just say one thing if I have two minutes?
crosstalk
Biz: Please! Please tell me about goats. Mary: Is I am angry at—
mary
I am so mad at anybody who knew anything about goats who did not tell me to go out and buy goats. Goats are the best pets you can ever have. They are wonderful.
crosstalk
Biz: Mama wants a goat. My mother wants a goat! Mary: Yeah. That’s why.
mary
I don’t want you to be mad at me. It’s like you can’t be mad at me ‘cause now I’ve told you that goats are the best pets ever, so—
crosstalk
Mary: Mama, get a goat. Biz: Well I think she should have a goat.
biz
I think she should have a goat. But my father’s like, “Well, you know what’ll happen. It’s gonna start raining and your mother’s gonna say, ‘Oh, the poor goat has to come inside!’” And I was like, “Why wouldn’t you let a goat inside? What are you guys doing? You got nothing to do! Let the goat inside!” Anyway. He’s currently taking her to goat petting zoos. But I said, “The day you guys move out here, you get all the goats.” [Laughs.]
mary
Yep.
biz
What are your—
mary
I think goat diapers should be invented. They’re ruminant eaters, so you can’t bring them in. They’ll poop everywhere. But goat diapers. Goat diapers. There’s a way.
biz
Somebody get on the goat diapers! What are the goats’ names? This is all I care about now. [Both laugh.]
mary
Helen and Guimauve.
biz
That’s my mother’s name is Helen! [Laughs.] [Mary laughs.] All my family is full of Helens! I think it is delightful that you have a goat named Helen. And what’s the other goat’s name?
mary
The other goat is Guimauve. And that’s French for marshmallow because she’s a big, white, fat goat. So she looks like a marshmallow.
biz
Big goat! Alright. I will keep us moving before this becomes a goat episode. [Mary laughs.] The last time you were on—I have to touch base on this, though. The last time you were on, we talked a little bit about your husband, who—at the time, at least—what was he? He was the like… CDC Public Health? Wasn’t he like—
mary
Yeah, yeah. The Canadian version. Same things. The Director of Public Health Agency, microbiology.
biz
Yeah. I don’t know if you guys have this in Canada, but there’s this pandemic that’s happening here in the US. I’m so sorry if we’re bringing it to Canada. But I have to check in and be like, “Is he still doing the work?” [Laughs.] And if so… what’s that like? I mean— [Laughs.]
mary
Oh my god. I have to tell you—I got sucked into that world. So we’ve started a company, my husband and I, where we sell mobile diagnostic laboratories. They’re basically tiny labs on wheels? So they’re fully outfitted. And they’re ready to go—turnkey—you have to deal with your own staff. But they come with all the reagents, all the consumables, all the techno equipment. Biosafety cabinet and everything is ready to do diagnostic for COVID. And at the same time that the pandemic took over my life and we were working 70 hours a day on COVID, my editor was like, “Mary! Do you want this book to come out before Christmas ‘cause you’ve missed all your deadlines!” [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] I missed every deadline. Every—there’s not one deadline that I didn’t miss. So yeah. So we’re still—yeah. UP to here with COVID.
biz
Wow. Well thanks for making those trailers. I gotta tell ya—my mind, though, is just like, “I’m so glad I’m not in charge of things like that.” Because all I can think of is, “Well, there’s a mini fridge and a foldout bed and a cooler and there’s definitely a stereo and a horn—” [Mary laughs.] “—that plays the Alabama fight song.” Anyway, you mentioned a book, and this is why we have got you here. This book, Wigglesworth in Lutinland, which is possibly one of my favorite character names ever until I met the chicken. Tell us a little bit about this book. Give us the synopsis so that I don’t ruin that for you. [Both laugh.]
mary
Well Wigglesworth is an English-speaking elf who accidentally—not accidentally, but he jumps out of the sleigh too early.
crosstalk
Biz: Santa’s sleigh! Yeah. [Laughs.] Mary: He’s trying to get to Vermont. Santa’s sleigh! Sorry about that.
mary
He’s a surveillance elf, so before Christmas he goes to his family to watch over the children. He jumps too soon because he’s eager to meet his skiing prodigy family in Vermont. But he gets his geography wrong ‘cause he doesn’t go to school? He’s too smart to go to school? So he doesn’t really know how to read a map very well? And he jumps out of the sleigh too soon. And instead of landing in Vermont, he lands in Quebec City.
crosstalk
Biz: Oh. That’s not Vermont! [Laughs.] Mary: And the name Lutinland—that’s not Vermont.
mary
And he figures that out right away. [Both laugh.] ‘Cause he doesn’t speak any French! And he has to figure out everything. And y’know, what Quebec City really is is “Lutinland” because “Lutin” is the French word for elf. So he learns that he is an elf in “Lutinland.” And he learns French but he learns a lot about how to listen to people? How to not be so impatient. So he does, y’know, French is the main thing he learns but he does go through a bit of a character growth, let’s say.
biz
Oh, that’s very nice! Look at your theater days, paying off! [Laughs.] Your obstacles—just so everybody knows, Mary and I went to college together. I think I already said that. And got theater—I got a theater degree from a medical university in the south. I think you—
mary
I know, right?
biz
I think you went on to get a real degree that made more sense. But yeah! Not—not, y’know. That just—
mary
I have a theater degree from a medical school. [Laughs.]
biz
That’s right! From—
mary
Are you a doctor?
biz
I’m a Doctor Elizabeth Lawrence. Anyway. So— [Mary laughs.] I like—okay. Lotta things happening in this book. But I’m gonna start with the dumb question that people have to ask people who come on their shows, and that is—why—why’d you write it? Why’d you write this book, Mary? [Both laugh.]
mary
I’m glad you asked that question. it’s not a dumb—no such thing as a dumb question!
biz
No, there are. There are plenty of dumb questions? [Laughs.] [Mary laughs.] I get ‘em all day long in this house. Go ahead! [Laughs.]
mary
[Laughs.] You’re the best, Biz. [Laughs.] The reason I wrote this book—back in 2013—300 episodes ago—it started—
biz
300 episodes ago! [Southern drawl] Back before the COVID! [Laughs.]
mary
[Southern drawl] Back before there was COVID, there was a newspaper called Le Chalet Post.
crosstalk
Biz: [Southern drawl] I know this paper! What?! Mary: Le Chalet Post was my family—yes!
mary
And Wigglesworth was editor-in-chief of Le Chalet Post, and, y’know, a lot of families do their year in review. So I did that. I wrote a newspaper every year for Christmas Eve presents and it was our year in review and it was written by Wigglesworth. And Poppy, my other son’s elf. And then we moved to Quebec. And my first—my first instinct in Quebec was like, “Oh my god, I have moved to Disneyworld for adults. This is the most beautiful place I have ever seen in my life.” And it is still the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. The architecture’s just stunning. It’s so gorgeous. So I put on the brakes of the newspaper and I was like, “Wigglesworth has to write a book about being in Quebec!” And I started that in 2016…? Was the year I moved? But then slowly I began to realize how hard it is to live in a place where people really don’t have a good command of my own mother tongue? So it was on me to learn French. And y’know I mean I would love to tell you it was wonderful and easy. No problems? But it was probably—I’ve had two people come out of my body and they’re called Sebastian and Johann? Learning a second language is harder than giving birth. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. [Biz laughs.] [Through laughter] In my life—
biz
I believe you! I believe you. [Both laugh.]
mary
Oh god. And I think this especially as an adult. So I think that my desire was to kind of—if I can inspire younger people—especially in Canada! Across Canada is a bilingual country! There are so many kids that are resistant to learn English. There are so many kids that are resistant to learn French. And I’m like, “God! You’re a sponge! Do it now! Do it now!” [Biz laughs.] So I kinda wanted to say that. But then the other thing is, y’know, I had my dark days in Quebec where, y’know, I remember being in an emergency room with Johann. He was sick with the flu and I was like repeating everything I thought maybe that the nurse maybe under—just to make sure we understood each other? And that was really hard and it took twice as long and I found myself, y’know, at one point being—looking at the sidewalk ‘cause I didn’t want people to talk to me ‘cause I was afraid I wouldn’t understand. And I’m like, “Mary, this is not who you are.” I started thinking that this book could be good for adults, too. So I tried to put a bit more humor in there for grownups, and then I started to realize how funny it is. When you speak a second language and you start to realize the mistakes that you make are hilarious? Then why not celebrate those? [Biz laughs.] So those mistakes went in the book! I’ll tell you, I don’t think it was appropriate for me to try to rent a room at the Hotel De Ville because that’s actually City Hall? [Laughs.] You can’t—can’t do that!
biz
Can’t do that! Can’t do it! Yeah. No, we—okay. I love—I think that’s actually one of the things that’s great and I wanna touch on. Is that fear, that, like, loneliness and fear—being a parent’s already isolating. And then moving to a new place can also be isolating, even if you speak the same language. And I think about moving to a place that does not speak my language. And it’s not like—I mean, we are Americans. We just assume everybody’s gonna fucking speak our language whenever. “You don’t speak English? What’s wrong with you?” Right? Like, it’s so… it’s so awful how much we just assume the world revolves around us. And so that can also come as a kick in the butt— [Laughs.]
crosstalk
Biz: When you go somewhere. Mary: Yeah. Good [inaudible].
biz
Yeah! I mean, you could be like, “Why don’t—no one? Really?! No one… got a…. no? Okay.”
mary
“Knock knock? No?”
biz
“No? [With exaggerated mispronunciation] Parley—parley-voo? That’s it. That’s all I got.” So that’s— [Mary laughs.] That’s like a really—and I can’t imagine how frightening—that would’ve been frightening to be in a hospital. Because I wouldn’t have thought about it. Like, surprise! There are a lot of things we don’t think about until we’re in the middle of it. And I… wouldn’t think about being in another country and needing emergency care and no one speaking it. So… talk to us about getting through that and getting to a place where you could speak some French and how that helped you help Wigglesworth?
mary
Do you remember—was it Jill Balch Coon? She’s amazing. And I remember she said something to me—hi, Jill! I hope she listens to your show ‘cause I’m about to give her a big shoutout.
biz
Yes. Jill?
mary
She said something to me—“When you get frustrated with something, then let yourself get pissed off. Let yourself get pissed off and use that. and use that as your ammo, your energy, to keep going.” And I think that maybe helped? Like, I can’t say I was pissed off at the doctors or nurses who didn’t speak English. I was pissed off at me! Because I had been here at this point for two years and I expected in the first six months that I would be perfectly bilingual. And I had already been here a year and a half, two years, and I still couldn’t do it. So I got really pissed off at myself and I’m like, “I’m gonna do this. I’m gonna do it and I’m just gonna make sure—like, if I go into a pharmacy and I know exactly what I want and I know exactly where it is, I’m gonna go ask—where is it? Just so it can initiate that conversation and make me talk.” And the other thing I’d like to touch on—yeah. So I got through it that way. The other thing that helped me is—this is easier said than done—but just to remember how much I admire people when I hear them speak with an accent. Because to me that’s like they’re wearing a big, bright, shiny shirt that says, “I am brave. I took myself out of my comfort zone and I’ve learned a second language.” But those rules somehow didn’t apply to me when I sounded like an idiot. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
biz
Yeah! Right! Right! That’s right! “No, no, I’m the idiot. I sound—"
mary
I know. “I sound so stupid. You sound awesome with your accent but I sound like an idiot.” So I just tried to put myself in what I would see if I were talking to me. I would admire me. So I tried to think about that. And the other thing that got me through it is, I finally realized that you—and this is, I think, and readers may decide what the moral of Wigglesworth is—but I think the moral of Wigglesworth is, you don’t have to be perfect to start. You start and you get better and better and better and better, but never expect yourself to be perfect. Just try! And that goes with anything. I mean, in Wigglesworth in Lutinland it’s language-based. But anything! Who’s the best dancer when they—y’know, are six months old? They have to learn how to crawl and then walk.
biz
Y’know, this is so applicable to not just the moving to language thing; I feel like these are the conversations I have with both of my kids all the time. Who—and I don’t know why it just—why they feel this way? I’m like, is this just some sort of developmentally or just instinctually who they are? But both of them—slightly differently—they want it to be right the very first time. When it’s not perfect, they are failures. [Laughs.] [Mary laughs.] They’ll never be able to do it again. Yesterday I had to like talk Ellis down from like… he wrote the beginning of a sentence that he was supposed to do for school, wrong. And I said, “All you have to do—” The sentence was “I am also blah, blah, blah.” And he wrote, “Also.” And I said, “You can tag the ‘I am’ after that. You can also say, ‘Also, I am blah, blah, blah.’” “No. No. It—no. That’s not possible. And my teachers will not like me anymore.”
mary
Aw.
biz
I know. This is also—hey, guys, this is also pandemic anxiety and just this current world that we live in? But I keep saying to them, “No one starts perfect.” Right? Like, no one… no one starts perfect. Everybody starts slow. Everybody starts with a lesson. And for me, I go back to our teacher at UAB who taught us stage combat. And—
mary
Ron Hubbard!
biz
Ron Hubbard! And shoutout Ron Hubbard! My sister was saying—
mary
Shoutout to Ron Hubbard!
biz
My sister was saying, “You know we’re from the South because we always have to say everybody’s first and last names?” [Both laugh.] That’s right. Ron Hubbard, I remember him telling me that when you’re learning stage combat—light sword fighting or something like that—that the instinct is to just go at it really fast. “Ha! I’m so great! Look at this!” And he said, in particular, that guys tended to think they were going to be really great at it right away. But the trick is you actually have to start so slow. And you train so slowly so that by the time you speed up, it’s—it’s—no one’s gonna get hurt. And I try and use that example with the kids all the time. This is—I know you want it to be fast. I know you want it to look like that. And so I think—A, I hate that we have to keep learning that as an adult. [Laughs.]
mary
Yeah. Yeah.
biz
That—that—that sucks. And I hate that I have to listen to that story about the French and understand where my children are coming from. I’d prefer— [Laughs.] I’d prefer to live with blinders on my whole life. [Mary laughs.] So much easier. They’re people! So I think your book offers that? Which is so… Nice. It is a book for kids, but we’re still dealing with those problems. And I think adults almost have a harder time because we have grown into—as opposed to outgrown—embarrassment. Grown into pressure. Right? While kids might let it roll off of them. How are your kids—did your kids pick it up?
mary
Well, yeah. I have to give another shoutout to the school system in Manitoba.
biz
Manitoba School System! [Laughs.]
mary
Manitoba, the district—Escola Franco Manitobaine— [Biz cheers.] —and the French immersion in Manitoba. They gave—I mean, everything is wonderful for my kids because of the school system. Because we were in an English-speaking place, but because my husband is—his first language is French—our kids were able to go to the French school. And so they didn’t skip a beat. And it’s so beautiful. I’m gonna brag about my oldest. [Biz laughs.] He is why I probably am panicked all the time because he is perfectly bilingual. Like, zero accent in this language. Zero accent in that language. He can be chatting to me in English and then his friend is here—his friend is here now and I should get them down here. “Chat to me in English.” You would never know he was anywhere but from Alabama. He’s got my southern accent. [Biz laughs.] And then he switched avec [inaudible] and he’s like, “Blah, la, la, la, la” and it’s just… no… no beat is skipped. He’s amazing. But I wanna tell you what my hardest word was in French because—
biz
Yes, please!
mary
—my most complicated word to learn in French is, “Huh?”
biz
Yeah! [Laughs.] What is it?
mary
It took me four years to say “I don’t understand. Can you repeat that? ‘Huh?’” Four years! Because every time anybody would say something I didn’t understand I’d be like, “Yes? Oui?” But now I realized that sometimes in English I don’t understand. So sometimes in English I have to say, “Excuse me? Can you repeat that?” And now I have the confidence to be like, “Uh… je ne comprends pas? Que’est-ce qu’on dit”? [Laughs.]
biz
Whoa!
mary
So freaking hard!
biz
Such a sexier way to say, “Huh?” [Laughs.]
mary
“Huh?”
biz
“What? Huh?” That’s crazy! I’m so glad that your kids know it so well because now you can really just rely on them and you don’t have to get any better at it. [Laughs.]
mary
That’s true. Especially, “Can you make this call for me? I need to call the dentist.” [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
biz
Oh my god. Oh my god! Alright. So let’s wrap up on—the book is more than just a story. There are actually some lessons in the book. I mean, it does teach ya a little French. Sorry, kids, when I try and read that out loud. But talk to me a little bit about the sort of interactive part of the book.
mary
Well I did want it to be—like you said—interactive. So I put in a few recipes. There is North Pole Tasty Treats. But I also wanted to bring a little taste of Quebec. So it is true that—in my opinion, it’s a fact—that Quebec has the best hot chocolate in the world. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
biz
Sure!
mary
So I put in a hot chocolate recipe. I mean, it’s my opinionated fact. But there’s gotta be a study somewhere that says Quebec City has the best hot chocolate in the world. So there are recipes. I put in a bit of grammar. Like, kids don’t have to do it, but when I was a kid everybody else’s homework was always kind of fun? So I thought maybe kids might want to do Wigglesworth’s homework? He has to learn about how to conjugate verbs, and he has to learn—in French, the verbs are quite—there’s a lot of ways to conjugate a verb. So many they wrote a book about it? [Biz laughs.] It’s called the Bescherelle, and no kid that takes French and no adult that wants to learn French should ever live without a Bescherelle. It’s in the book, the spelling, everything, and it tells you how to conjugate verbs. I’m sure you could find it online, too. French conjugation, Bescherelle.
biz
Everybody?
mary
You can’t live without it. [Biz laughs.] [Through laughter] So there’s that. And the other thing I thought was interesting—growing up in Alabama, I knew there was this place called “Quebec.” I can’t say that I knew what it was. I knew that it was French-speaking, it was part of Canada, but I had no idea how old it was and how the history—I had no idea. Until I moved here, in fact, I didn’t know about the beautiful folklore here. The Chasse-galerie—where the three guys make a deal with the devil to take the canoe into Montreal—that is a Quebecois French-Canadian story that I had never heard! And so it’s a little bit of a way to share that. I just—I wanted, y’know, friends and family. If nobody else read it I’m like, “You gotta at least know this story! There’s the devil! The devil is part of a Christmas story! In Quebec!”
biz
The devil went down to Georgia and he’s also up in Quebec! I gotta tell ya—[inaudible] He’s up there! But I will say—but that’s true. That’s another good thing about the book, is that, like—I will not put this all off on Alabama. This is all of us grow up somewhere. And for a very long time, have a limited—have limited access to the world. I don’t think I left this country, even, until I was in my twenties. Right? And even that’s—I recognize that is something that was a real gift that I got to do. And I certainly have friends who have never left the South. They’ve never left New York. They’ve never—they’ve only been in Southern California and have never traveled. So it is very easy to miss out on stories like that. And miss out on knowing about these places that seem very mythical and magical and like, “What is this?” I mean, I certainly can guarantee you I’d never heard of Quebec until—I dunno. I was very old. [Laughs.] Like I mean, y’know, as a kid in the world. Our kids are all different now because there’s so much more access to stuff?
mary
That’s right. Yeah.
biz
Schoolhouse Rock! was—
mary
We didn’t have internet!
biz
No! No internet! The internet came about when you and I were in college! [Laughs.]
mary
I know, right? Ahhh!
biz
That’s so weird. We old! Mary? Thank you. Thank you.
mary
Thank you.
biz
For writing this book. Thank you for learning French. Thank you— [Mary laughs.] —for you and your husband making all those little portable labs, ‘cause those are very important [through laughter] right now. And we will have to catch up so you can tell me all about boys and puberty. And how to just… I dunno. Not make fun of them all day? Because—y’know. That’s all I want to do is make fun of my kids as they age and be like, “Uh, yeahhh.” Um—so thank you. And I’m so glad to see you and that you are doing so well.
mary
Likewise! And congratulations on this successful story you’ve got going for so many years! I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud to know you and congratulations to you and your team.
biz
Yeah. This is what a theater degree from a medical university in Alabama will give you! Children’s author and podcaster. [Laughs.] Whoop! [Mary laughs.] Alright. We will link everybody up to where they can get a copy of the book, as well as get that conjugating verb book that seems very important if you’re gonna speak French. [Laughs.] Thank you so much for joining us, and I will talk to you later.
mary
Thank you so much! Bye! And have a wonderful weekend! Or—
biz
Who knows what day it is anymore?
mary
[Through laughter] What day it will be. Have a wonderful day. Night. Morning.
biz
Have a wonderful!
music
“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds. [Music fades out.]
music
Laid-back ukulele and whistling plays in background.
biz
One Bad Mother is supported in part by ThirdLove. ThirdLove uses the measurements of millions of women to design bras with all-day comfort and support in over eighty sizes, including half-cup sizes!
theresa
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biz
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theresa
Go to ThirdLove.com/mother now to find your perfect-fitting bra, and get 20% off your first purchase.
theresa
Hey, you know what it’s time for! This week’s genius and fails! This is the part of the show where we share our genius moment of the week, as well as our failures, and feel better about ourselves by hearing yours. You can share some of your own by calling 206-350-9485. That’s 206-350-9485.
biz
Genius fail time, Therrreeeesaaa! [Singing] Theresaaaa!
theresa
[Singing] Hello, Biz!
biz
[Singing] Let’s only do the show in music! Let’s go do the show in music! Genius fail time, it is music! Gooooo! [Regular voice] Genius me!
clip
[Dramatic, swelling music in background.] Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius! [Biz and Theresa repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss their respective genius moments of the week.]
theresa
If only you guys could see Biz’s hands when she’s doing this. [Biz laughs, starts singing lightly in background.] The hands are maybe the best part. Okay. Do you want my actual genius?
biz
I actually would really like to hear it!
theresa
Okay, great! That’s what I came here for, so.
crosstalk
Biz: Oh, I know. I’m here every week. Theresa: I’ll get right into it!
biz
I’m here to listen. [Theresa laughs.] Starting—starting riiiight… now. [Laughs.]
theresa
So I’m on a roll with the two-wheelers, because Oscar— [Biz gasps.] He’s riding his bike! No one can stop me. I am unstoppable.
crosstalk
Biz: [Singing] Don’t stop me nowww! Theresa: I’ve got two—two kids!
theresa
Two kids who can ride bikes. And it’s a great feeling.
biz
You’re that family! You’re doing such a good job!
theresa
Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Mm-hm.
biz
You’re on bikes! I say “That family” because we are not that family. [Laughs.]
theresa
We’re that family in so many contexts that you could mean by “That family”? So I just—we don’t even have to go there? But yes. Whatever you want to mean by “That family,” yes. We are probably that family. Yes. [Laughs.]
biz
That’s—one day when we return to being able to talk about anything with substance that doesn’t make us break down and cry all day, that would be a great topic. “That family.” “I’m that family.”
crosstalk
Theresa: That family. Thaaaat family. Ohhhh! Biz: Just explore—“That? Ohhh!” Both: That family! [Laughs.]
biz
You’re doing amazing! You are unstoppable.
theresa
Yeah. I am. I am!
biz
Yeah! You’re doing such a good job!
theresa
So Curtis is up next! He’s on the balance bike now! And I’m like, “Come on! Let’s do the core strength. Let’s make it happen. Let’s do it, buddy.”
crosstalk
Biz: You’re doing it. On two wheels. Theresa: Thank you. Thanks. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
biz
My genius this week—imagination time!
theresa
Mmm!
biz
Imagination time is a time between online learning during the breaks when Ellis does not want to do anything other than have me figure out something for them to do.
theresa
Mm.
biz
And I don’t want to do that anymore, everybody! And there’s also like snuggling that wants to happen? There’s just so much! And I—and what I’ve learned is that all of that time trying to figure out what to do—because he doesn’t really wanna do any of the things that I have suggested. And he doesn’t want to come up with his own thing. And then it’s like there’s ten minutes left until you have to go back, and that ten minutes will be consumed with screaming. So this week, [through laughter] I introduced—in a panic—“Let’s have some imagination time. Do you wanna go on an imagination trip?” And he was like, “What?!?”
theresa
“What’s that, Mama?”
biz
“What is that?” And I said, “Well, let’s lay down on the couch—” [Both laugh.] “Lay down real low. And lie very still.”
theresa
“Close our eyes and stop talking.”
biz
“We’re gonna close our eyes. We’re gonna close our eyes, and why don’t we go to Disneyland?”
crosstalk
Theresa: Oh my god. I love you so much right now. Biz: We’re gonna start—he was like, he was like, “No.”
biz
And I said, “No, no! No, no! We’re doing it! We’re going to Disneyland. We’re in the car. We’re there. Let’s play the parking lot game.” Like, the very first thing we do when we go to Disneyland—because we live Southern California, it is just very easy. Good investment. When we used to be able to go outside. Each parking level is a different Disney animal? Disney character? So we would—upon entering—play the game, "Which level are we gonna park on?”
crosstalk
Biz: “Is it Daisy? Is it Mickey?” No, yeah, they just—like a beautiful—that’s my—that’s my Disneyland experience? Is watching the organization. [Laughs.] That is so good! It is! Yes! It is the magic. So I’m like— Theresa: ‘Cause you don’t get to choose at Disneyland. They send you where you’re gonna go. They put you there. Yeah. It’s the best. Yeah. It is. It’s the best. It’s magic. It is—this is why it’s a magical kingdom. Yeah. It’s magic. Yes. [Laughs.]
biz
“What—what—what level? I’m going with Daisy! I’m going with Daisy!” And then slowly Ellis is like, “Alright. I’m going with Mickey.” “Okay. Let’s see what happens. Oh! I just passed Daisy. It’s not Daisy! Op—it’s not Goofy! Not Goofy! There goes Minnie! Oh my god, we are parked on Mickey Mouse. I can’t believe—and look at this! We are right next to the escalator!” [Theresa laughs.] “Whoa!” And then we proceeded to go through the park. Right? And it actually was very calming. And anything could happen. We found so many FASTPASSes on the ground and free money and like season passes and more free money? And Star Wars Lego sets?
theresa
Just laying around.
biz
Just laying around! Yeah. So it was—
theresa
It was actually Star Wars Lego Set Day, where—
biz
It was!
crosstalk
Theresa: Just every kid gets as many Star Wars Lego sets they want. Oh, just Ellis. Right. Biz: No, just Ellis. Just—because it was—
biz
“Surprise! You’re the only people who get to be at Disneyland today!” Right? So yeah.
theresa
This is so good. [Biz laughs.] Oh. It honestly sounds very therapeutic, actually, as well.
biz
It was nice. Yeah. It was calming and nice and I didn’t really have to do much, because—“Well, what next? And then what?” Yeah. So, anyway. There ya go.
theresa
Oh, I love it! No! Can I just say—I really do—like, I think… part of what’s hard about not being able to do those things is just not being able to talk about those familiar things that are part of our family culture and traditions. The parking lot game, for example. That is something you probably just haven’t had a chance to talk about together and I just think that that is—that’s really good! That’s like pretty huge! I love that!
biz
Thank you very much!
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] I’m calling with a genius. I threw the plastic bag that the grapes come in, y’know, that have the holes in it? I just threw it away! This bag of grapes, for some reason, the brand is called “Pretty Lady Grapes” and it had, like, a picture of a pissed-off kind of looking blonde woman. And it was called “Pretty Lady Grapes.” I mean… [sighs]. What is that? And my first thought was like, “Oh, man, I hope my daughter doesn’t see this. Now the grapes are sexist.” [Biz laughs.] “I mean, I should probably talk to her more about feminism. I really hope she hasn’t seen it already.” And why was I thinking these things? And then I remembered—I could just throw the bag away and talk to her about feminism at a much more appropriate time. [Biz laughs.] Maybe not when I’m stressed out from a pandemic that’s [inaudible]. [Biz laughs.] Obviously my anxiety is spilling into the grocery aisle now. So yeah! Just throw the grapes bag away if it’s sexist. You don’t have to deal with it then. [Both laugh.] So that’s my genius. You’re doing a great job. Bye.
theresa
This is amazing.
biz
It is amazing.
theresa
Yeah.
biz
This is—I just wanna let you guys know. As I listen to the calls, the geniuses really are all coming in about this level. This, like… something feels really big and important and then I discover it’s probably anxiety in the pandemic. And there’s just this like, hint of madness to everything? This hint of like, hysteria? [Laughs.]
theresa
And like, almost like a weirdly self-aware way. Like, “I know I’m probably panicking about this unnecessarily, but nevertheless, here we are!” [Biz laughs.] Like, “This is happening.”
biz
“These grapes are sexist and we have got to get them out of the house.”
theresa
I mean, honestly, though—what was up with those grapes?
biz
What was up with those grapes?
theresa
What’s going on with that?
biz
Those grapes aren’t pretty ladies! They’re grapes! Yeah! They’re not sour grapes. If she had a bitter face, they should’ve been called “Sour Grapes.” [Theresa laughs.] But instead it was “Pretty Lady Grapes.” I commend you for your keen eye. Ever-present, ever-alert, for sexism in our grocery aisles and our produce. And I also salute you for eventually figuring out you could just throw it away. And really the part that I love the most is, “I can throw them away now and then wait to a more appropriate time—"
crosstalk
Biz and Theresa: “—to talk about feminism.” [Laughs.]
theresa
Feminism in a context of grapes! [Laughs.]
biz
What would make this genius even better is if your child was only, like, one.
theresa
Yeah. [Both laugh.] So true! So true.
biz
You’re doing such a good job! You really are. I love you so much. You’re doing so good.
theresa
Good job! Keep it up. [Laughs.]
biz
Failures!
clip
[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.] Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL! [Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.] Biz: [Calmly] You suck! [Biz and Theresa repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss their respective failures of the week.]
biz
Fail me, Theresa.
theresa
Okay. I will. This is a hurting myself by accident fail. I know that we—parents, in general, have this thing about stepping on small toys. Like Legos or whatever it is. That really hurts, and it’s not fun, and it’s hard to avoid stepping on the toys sometimes. So we’ve all been there. Y’know. We’ve all stepped on a toy—
biz
Universal.
theresa
—and said, “Ouch! Ahh! Ugh!”
biz
“Fuck!” [Laughs.]
theresa
Yeah. Or what have you. I… stepped on a tiny toy and actually—like—cut my foot. Like, my foot… it really cut my foot. Like—I mean…
biz
Bled.
theresa
Not like I needed to go get stitches or something? But blood. And it was on the ball of my foot—
biz
Oh!
theresa
So it took a really long time to heal. And when it happened, everyone was there. Everyone was around. [Biz laughs.] And it hurt really bad! Like at first I did the thing I do, which is, “Well, I—” First I think to myself, “Ow. Well, of course I’m hurt again.”
crosstalk
Biz and Theresa: “No one cares.” [Biz laughs.]
theresa
“I’ll continue doing whatever I’m doing.” Did we say “no one cares” at the exact same time?
biz
We did! We did.
theresa
‘Cause no one cares. And then I was like, “Wow. This actually really hurts.” And I sat down on the nearest chair, which was a kid chair, and I looked at my foot and I said, “Oh, I’m, like, bleeding. IT’s really hurt.” And Jesse— l[Laughs.] Jesse was in the middle of some kind of stressful parenting situation. [Biz laughs.] And I had to say to him, like, “Can you get me a damp paper towel?” Because I didn’t want to get up and get blood on the floor. And he’s like, “Yeah.” And it’s one of those moments where as partners, we love each other. We don’t want each other to get hurt. But there’s just times where you look at your partner who got hurt and you’re like, “Really? You need something from me right now?” And it was totally one of those things. [Biz laughs.] So I didn’t get—no one—again—no one cares. But it was a real—a real ouchie.
biz
I am so sorry!
theresa
And it hurt to walk on it! For days afterwards!
biz
All I could think of in your story—I wanted to raise my hand when you said you sat down and you looked and you saw it was bleeding and the room was full of your family. I wanted to say, at this point, did anyone ask how you were? Or if you were okay? And I also— [Theresa laughs.] —was like, expecting you to sit down and one of your kids to be like, “Where’s my granola bar?” Right?
theresa
[Through laughter] Totally! Totally.
crosstalk
Biz: Y’know? Like, it’s—I am so sorry! You are baby. Theresa: I mean, they’re—I know. Thank you. They’re so honestly sensitive to me getting hurt—
theresa
—that I can’t, like, freak out. Because they get really upset if I’m upset. So.
biz
Oh, how do you enjoy having to regulate your—
theresa
“Oh, it’ll be fine. It’ll be totally fine. It’s just some blood.”
biz
“It’s fine.”
theresa
“I’m just gonna sit here for a while.”
biz
How does it feel to have to regulate everybody’s emotions at the expense of your own? How’s that? [Theresa laughs.] How’s that feeling? Does that feel good?
theresa
Wow. I’m not—
biz
‘Cause not even.
theresa
—even ready to hear that question.
biz
Not gonna go through that one! [Laughs.] We’ll save that for the reunion show! Anyway. [Theresa laughs.] I am so sorry that you got hurt.
theresa
Thank you.
biz
And if I had been there? There would’ve been—I would have boo-boo bunnied. I would have bandaged. I would’ve said, “Do you know what you need to do, Theresa? You need to lie down on the couch and watch television the rest of the day. That’s what you deserve.”
theresa
Thank you.
biz
I— [Laughs.] Has anybody else, during the pandemic, just started making all kind of decisions without any thought?
theresa
Oh yeah.
biz
I am doing this a lot. And Kat—I had these—I’d just gotten all these new cozy books, little mysteries that I like, and Kat’s like, “Well, can I borrow one?” And I was like, “Well, sure!” ‘Cause it’s a cozy, guys. It’s a cozy. There are rules to cozies. And the rules are—nothing graphic. Right? No graphic violence. Right? No, like—yes, someone’s dead, but there’s a lot of cuteness and cats. So it was—I had not read it. There was a paranormal element to it, too, so I thought, “Well, that’s fun. There’s ghosts and it’s funny and a murder!” Fantastic! I gave it to her, and she gets about halfway through it and she’s like, “Well, I’ve put it down. I’ll have to get back to it.” And I had come to the end of my reading books recently. This was maybe a month and a half, two months ago.
theresa
Okay.
biz
And I go into her room and I get the book off their shelf to take it back and start reading it. And like the first chapter? Is all about this ghost hunter going into this house where she’s gotta get rid of this really evil ghost? And help the ghost who was his victim of rape? Pass on to the other side.
theresa
Wow.
biz
I—I started reading it and—yeah! And I was just like, “I don’t even… I don’t… I don’t know what to do.” Because lots of elements. A, strangers are going to hurt you very badly. Right? And, ehhh, rape! And y’know, these are not—it’s not like these aren’t conversations we won’t have, and we build up to them! We’ll always have talked about safety and rules and things like that, but I could not believe I had just handed this to my child without vetting it in any way.
theresa
Yeah. You hoped it would be fine and it wasn’t.
biz
I just—and now I’m gonna hope it’s fine by never addressing it. [Laughs.]
theresa
[Through laughter] God!
biz
Other than that, the book is pretty good! I just finished it! [Laughs.]
theresa
That’s so funny.
biz
God.
theresa
Yeah! I mean, you suck. But… I mean, Kat said, “Eh, I’m halfway through it. I’m gonna take a break.” So…
biz
It’s—yeah. [Theresa laughs.] There’s also so much sex in it? [Laughs.]
theresa
[Through laughter] Oh my god.
biz
“His hips thrust against her.” I was like, “Aw, damn.”
theresa
Now that’s graphic! That’s actually graphic!
biz
Yeah! I don’t think this falls under the “Cozy” category.
theresa
Yeah. That’s amazing and I’m very sorry and…
biz
God. Eh.
theresa
I won’t try to make it better. You suck.
biz
Don’t! Because nothing will make any of this better. [Laughs.]
theresa
I know.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa! I found a new coffee-related fail. I washed everything out and I went over to start loading up the espresso machine and I poured the water into the little hopper that the coffee goes in. [Laughs.] [Inaudible] immediately. Went straight through. Got all over the counter. And it was… I just… I’m tired, but not that tired. But there ya go! Water in the coffee container. Now I have water in the water carafe and hopefully will not forget to put coffee in the coffee part. [Laughs.] You guys are doing a great job. Hope you have a good one. Bye.
biz
I don’t think—again, Theresa, if we were ever to go back and write a book about parenting and coffee—which at this stage, I think we could—
theresa
Yeah, I think we could.
biz
There—no one tells you that you’re gonna suddenly not know how to do any of the things while confidently thinking you are doing them right. I still—to this day—catch myself about to pour water in the grinder. Just… right in the grinder! Which I have done and have shared on the show and I have to be, like, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Look at me!” And I’m pointing at my hand with the water above the grinder and I have to will myself to pull it back and put it where it belongs. So… your fail—while a new twist on the coffee failures—is still just—just a… obvious “someone should have told us” coffee fail. [Theresa laughs.]
theresa
I’m just—I’m thinking about how I cope with this and I think—I think that I don’t have as many, like, mistakes? I don’t actually make as many mistakes? Because I move so slowly. [Biz laughs.] I’m doing the steps of making my coffee as though I’ve never done it before and I’m reading instructions as I go. “Now, this… is gonna… how many teaspoons? Count them one. One. Two. Do we have the cup ready? Do we have the filter?” Like, literally I’m just… taking—I don’t even know how long I take to make my coffee in the morning. But it takes me a really long time.
biz
Wow. That’s actually a good way to approach everything right now. [Laughs.]
theresa
Maybe so!
biz
Right? I mean it! I’m like—
theresa
We have a lot of time.
biz
We are not going anywhere. [Theresa laughs.] And I guarantee you we’ve all forgotten how to go anywhere. [Laughs.]
theresa
Yeah.
biz
“I’m gonna put my keys in the car.”
crosstalk
Biz: “Do I turn them… towards us?” Theresa: God. I don’t even wanna think about the first day, like—
theresa
First morning I have to get everyone ready for school?
biz
No.
theresa
That’s terrifying to me.
biz
Mm, sweet.
theresa
I’m gonna have to get up at four o’clock in the morning and do all the things very slowly like I’m doing them for the first time so I don’t make mistakes. [Laughs.]
biz
Oh, sweet dreams, Theresa. [Laughs.]
theresa
I know. [Laughs.]
biz
Well you’re doing a horrible job making coffee! Just stop!
theresa
Yep! Give up. Give up now. [Biz laughs.]
music
“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics. You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known. I love you, I love you. When I have a problem, I call you on the phone. I love you, I love you. [Music fades out.]
music
Inspirational keyboard music plays in background.
theresa
One Bad Mother is supported in part by Dipsea, an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on.
biz
People like to push going to spas, getting your nails done, eating a whole cheesecake, as ways to show yourself self-care. But Dipsea really helps you love yourself. Wooo! [Laughs.] Dipsea also has wellness sessions to help you learn more about yourself, and bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.
theresa
And for listeners of One Bad Mother, Dipsea’s offering a thirty-day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/badmother.
promo
Music: Upbeat music. Jackie Kashian: I’m going first! It’s me, Jackie Kashian. Laura Kilmartin: Man! She’s always this bossy. [Jackie and Kyle laugh boisterously as Laura talks.] Laura: I’m Laura Kilmartin. We’re a bunch of standup comics and we’ve been doing comedy, like, 60 years total with both of us. But we look amazing. And uh, we’re rocking out. Jackie: We drop every Monday on Max Fun and it’s called The Jackie and Laurie Show, and you could listen to it and learn about comedy and learn about anger management and all the things. Laura: And Jackie is married but childless and I’m unmarried but childful. So, together we make one complete woman. Jackie: We did it! Kyle: [Laughing helplessly.] Is that just what’s—that’s what gonna—? Jackie: Yeah! Yeah! And we try to make Kyle laugh just like that and say, “Oh my god,” every episode. Kyle: It’s a good job. The Jackie and Laurie Show. Mondays, only on Maximum Fun. [Music ends.]
promo
Music: Cheerful music plays. Dave Holmes: Are you feeling elevated levels of anxiety? [Ding!] Dave: Do you quake uncontrollably even thinking about watching cable news? [Ding!] Dave: Do you have disturbing nightmares, only to realize it's two in the afternoon and you're up? [Ding! Ding! Ding!] Dave: If you've experienced one or more of these symptoms, you may have FNO: [Censor bleep] News Overload! Fortunately, there's treatment. [Music changes, becomes more intense.] Dave: Hi. I'm Dave Holmes, host of Troubled Waters. Troubled Waters helps fight FNO. That's because Troubled Waters stimulates your joy zone. On Troubled Waters, two comedians will battle one another for pop culture supremacy. So join me, Dave Holmes, for two—two—two doses of Troubled Waters a month. The cure for your [Censor bleep] News Overload. Available on MaximumFun.org, or wherever you get your podcasts. [Music fades out.]
biz
[Singing] Well… it’s time… to snuggle in with Theresaaaa! And listennn to a mommm have a breakdownnn!
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hey there! I don’t know. I think this probably just a silly rant. But I got told yesterday and today that since I’ve become a mom I’m now too loud? [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] I guess I am a little loud. My toddlers are loud. Anyway! It was just silly to me. And I needed to share it ‘cause I thought it was— [Laughs.] I think it’s funny. [Biz laughs.] Anyway. Happy New Year. Bye.
biz
Yes! Toddlers are loud. This is definitely—I just love this call for many reasons. One, it’s good to hear the accents of my people. And two— [Laughs.] And two, I have never—usually when we get a rant and it’s “Somebody said to me, ‘Since you’ve become a parent, you’ve—‘” And I was waiting for all the usual shoes to drop. “Not fun. Lame. Uncool. You don’t—we don’t even invite you because you’re never gonna come out anyway. Ya just different!” [Laughs.]
theresa
“With the naptime and the something-something.”
biz
“All you wanna do is talk about your children!” [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] I actually really like the idea that I’ve gotten louder? Which seems next to impossible since having children? I just… love every image and fantasy I have about the scenarios in which this comment was given to you. Twice!
theresa
I know! I’ve been trying to imagine—who are these people— [Biz laughs.] —who are noticing that your voice is louder—
crosstalk
Theresa: —than it was before? Yeah! Biz: The librarian?! [Laughs.]
biz
I don’t know! Yeah! Is it like somebody at the store? Is it an acquaintance? Is it a relative? Is it a good friend? Are they talking about [through laughter] you being louder when you’re engaging in conversation? Or are they at your house while your toddlers are running around and so you’re doing the, like, “Yeah, so anyway, yesterday I was having a whole thought to my—TIMMY!” [Theresa laughs.] “TIMMY!” Right? Like, and then you come back and maybe you’re still yelling? Or maybe—
theresa
Or you’re just competing with the sound in your house, which is what always ends up happening in our house. Just the more people start talking the louder it gets and the louder you have to talk in order to be heard, and, well, there ya have it. [Biz laughs.] Everyone’s yelling.
biz
Well, and then everybody says, “I’m not the one who’s yelling!” In my house, everybody’s like, “I’m not the loud one.” And I’m like, “Oh, no, no, no, no, no. All of us—all of us—from the very little to the very tall—are loud. It’s our special gift.” [Laughs.]
theresa
Yeah. I mean, my family’s loud too and I think the thing that people say in my house is, “STOP YELLING!” [Laughs.]
biz
“Why are you yelling at me? Do we yell at you?! Why are you yelling?!” [Laughs.] Yeah. Or—
theresa
I’m right here! I’m right here.
biz
I am right…
theresa
I am right here. Ouch. Ouch!
biz
Do you see me? Where am I?
theresa
Ouch! My ear is right next to your mouth!
biz
Right here.
theresa
Ow.
biz
Owww.
theresa
Can you—
biz
“Where’s Mama? Where am I? Oh, yeah. I’m right next to you.” [Theresa laughs.] “Can you… please never speak again.” [Theresa laughs.] The— [Laughs.] You could also be like—I have one last theory on why you are suddenly so loud. It’s probably because your children have invalidated you as a human. And so you’re just trying to be heard in the world. Like a little Who in Horton Hears a Who. You’re like, “We’re all right here!”
theresa
“We’re here! We’re here!” Yeah.
biz
“I’m standing right next to you! I’m yelling!” [Theresa laughs.] “I’m yelling!” Like, there’s some Who mom being, like, “I’m right here. Stop.” [Theresa laughs.] “Stop yelling in my ear. You’re yelling so loud, Horton can hear you.” [Laughs.]
theresa
You may just also be speaking more authoritatively. ‘Cause I feel like with toddlers— [Laughs.] Sometimes that gets misread for loudness. It does. ‘Cause there comes a point where you’re realizing that you’re like, “No. No. Nope. We’re not gonna do it that way. We’re gonna do blah, blah, blah.” Or like whatever it is. Like something dangerous. [Biz laughs.] And then you’re like, “Who am I?” Like, “I’m the boss, I guess? I guess I have to be in charge? I’m the boss.”
biz
“Who made you boss? Who made you boss?”
theresa
Yeah! Like, it’s kinda like somebody saying, “Before you were a mom, you weren’t a boss. Now you’re a boss.” [Biz laughs.]
biz
Now you’re a boss, but we’re gonna say that in a way that doesn’t sound like you win. You’re… the boss. [Both laugh.]
theresa
Sorry.
biz
Look, you’re doing a wonderful job. Not only do we see you? We can hear you. And don’t ever let them tell you to quiet down. You got that? You’re doing a wonderful job.
theresa
Yeah, you are.
biz
Theresa? You are also doing a wonderful job. I… think you’re great. I am so impressed by the bicycle riding?
theresa
Thank you!
biz
I am sorry you hurt your foot. And… [Theresa laughs.] I… think you’re doing a very good job.
theresa
Thank you, Biz. I also think you’re doing a great job. And I definitely remember what your genius and fail were. [Biz laughs.]
biz
Thank you! [Whispering] She doesn’t! She’s already moved on! That space is gone in her head!
theresa
A book…? One was a book. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] Um, okay. I love you for real. I’m gonna go now.
biz
I love you for real. Alright. You’re gonna go? Goodbye!
theresa
I’m outta here.
biz
Oh god! Don’t push the button! [Theresa laughs.] Such a horrible way to leave people these days. Bye!
theresa
It really is. Bye. [Biz laughs.]
biz
Well, well, well. What did we learn today, guys? Well, we learned when there’s a Theresa in your heart there’s also a song in your heart. I think we’ve learned a few things. I—y’know, I dunno. This is—we’re in the middle of a pandemic! I don’t know if anybody is aware. And we’re all going a little crazy. Despite how normal some things feel. I’m learning that pandemics are not good for my general overall patience with the developmental stages of my children and I really love what we learned talking with Mary. Who I just adore. And that is sort of the fear that… that we can have not just in not knowing the language, where we are, but there are lots of situations I think we can find ourselves in with new kids, y’know, in our house. And going out for the first time. And trying to not feel like you’re the only one who doesn’t know what’s happening or not knowing—ugh, I can’t think of the times that one of my kids would be sick or one of my kids would be in a situation and I didn’t know all of options? And how scary it was to discover that after the fact? And… I mean, even as dumb as showing up at the park without socks on your kids in the middle of January. [Laughs.] That to me always felt like I was just walking into a room of people speaking a different language. And the reminder that as adults it’s a lot harder for us to shake that off? And the reminder that this is actually what our kids are going through, like, all the time ‘cause every situation, lots of times, are totally brand-new to them? And their only… experience and examples are seeing the adults in their lives who’ve had thirty, forty, fifty years to get better at stuff? [Laughs.] So… that’s frustrating. Y’know. “You can do it! I should be able to do it.” Y’know. And it’s like, “Well, I have failed for years.” And they don’t always believe it when I say that, ‘cause… no one ever believes anything wise and sage when you try to pass it on to them. So y’know. I think it’s okay to tell your kids that you fuck up at stuff all the time. About your scary moments. And point out when they’re being really brave and figuring out how to get through it? And maybe there are times when they are your role models. Unless of course it has to do with a household chore and your child pretends like they’ve never, ever been faced with a task to clean something up before. Everybody? You are doing a very good job. I see you. I know how tired you are. I know how crazy you feel. I know how sad it is right now. I have a friend who is in the process of her mother succumbing to COVID and y’know, it’s—all have people in our lives right now. Whether we know it or maybe we haven’t checked in in a while that are being affected by this. And I—it’s remarkably difficult situation when you cannot be with those you love when you want to the most. And I see you and I am sorry. And… it is okay for us to all grieve together. You are all doing remarkable. And I will talk to you… next week. Bye!
music
“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics. _I got the lowdown momma blues_ Got the lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues The lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues Got the lowdown momma blues You know that’s right [Music fades somewhat, plays in background of dialogue.]
biz
We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Gabe Mara; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.
theresa
One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate. [Music continues for a while before fading out.]
music
A cheerful ukulele chord.
speaker 2
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
Artist owned—
speaker 4
—Audience supported.
About the show
One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren’t all magical vessels!
Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing.
Call in your geniuses and fails: 206-350-9485. For booking and guest ideas, please email onebadmother@maximumfun.org. To keep up with One Bad Mother on social media, follow @onebadmothers on Twitter and Instagram.
Get in touch with the show
onebadmother@maximumfun.org
@OneBadMothers
@onebadmothers
How to listen
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