Transcript
biz
Hi. I’m Biz.
theresa
And I’m Theresa.
biz
Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.
music
“Summoning the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums. [Continues through dialogue.]
biz
This week on One Bad Mother—are we still supposed to be on survival mode? Plus, Biz is not alone, and I’m joined by Margaret Ables from the podcast What Fresh Hell. Today is the first day in which I am going to be joined by a few of you who have called in to woo with me. So. Let’s begin the woo-ing!
caller
You asked for call-ins for woo. So here’s mine.
crosstalk
Biz and caller: Wooooo! [Laughs.]
caller
It’s a shitshow here, but I’m managing. I can’t thank you enough for your show. Love you all. Theresa? I feel you. I hope you’re doing okay. Biz? You’re amazing. Thank you for the videos.
crosstalk
Biz and caller: Wooooo!
caller
Hi, Biz and Theresa. [Biz laughs.] I’m… calling with a woo! Because I’m really, really excited that you’re asking us to woo with you. Because… on all the recent episodes where you were talking about wooing alone, I was thinking, “No! No, you were never wooing alone. We were always wooing with you and—” [Biz laughs.] “—now we actually get to do it and I’m really happy about that. And calling in to do that is making my day better and maybe I’ll call again. So I—I love you. Love the show. And thank you so much for continuing to find ways to make it happen. And oh! And I just became a member. Of Maximum Fun. And I’m really excited about that, too. That I could make that work. So. Love you so much! Bye.
crosstalk
Biz and caller: Wooooo! [Biz laughs.]
caller
I am doing okay! Today. We are riding the waves here in the Midwest, where things are not going great. [Biz laughs.] Big-picture wise. But small-picture wise? We are healthy and mostly sane. And my coparent and I are now into almost five months without childcare. Which is really hard to believe. And if you had told me five months ago that I would not have childcare for five months while I worked? I would not have believed you. And I would not have thought it was possible. But we are all doing the impossible and we are all in this together. One Bad Mother has been a really big part of helping support me and a lot of my friends through this, and I am so grateful for all of you. Thank you.
crosstalk
Biz and caller: Wooooo! [Biz laughs.]
caller
Thank you so much, Biz and Theresa! You guys are awesome. Theresa, we miss you. We love you. And I’m sorry that you’re dealing with situations that’s taking you away from the show. We really miss you. I have been doing it. [Biz laughs.] Last week felt good. This week, not so much. We stay at home pretty much every day. Though today I got contactless pickup from Total Wine. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] I got my wine! So… that could be a genius. Anyways. You guys are doing great! Biz, I love you, too. [Biz laughs.] Thank you so much for keeping this community going while Theresa is dealing with her own situation. Love you guys again. Alright. Bye.
crosstalk
Biz and caller: Woooo!
caller
This is Lindsay in Virginia and I became a new member this year.
biz
Woo!
caller
Because I’m in a position where I’m actually able to and I feel like it’s my turn because there are several people this year that are affected in weird ways that aren’t able to. [Biz laughs.] So you know what, guys? I got you! Woo!
biz
[Singing] Woo! That was fun. That was fun. I don’t have to woo alone! [Laughs.] [Regular voice] That made me so happy. For two reasons. One, I really enjoyed wooing with you. Was it good for you? And two, I enjoyed hearing how you were doing! Because that’s really important. And I think is a perfect place for me to tell you what a good job you are doing. You are all doing a good job. It’s time for the pre-show pandemic “you’re doing a good job” shoutout! Guys? Very little has changed. [Laughs.] Gah! And so I am still here to say thank you to all the essential workers. I am here to say thank you to all the people at the stores and all the people who are delivering things and all the people who are staying home. And to all the people who are working on ways to slow down the spread of this disease. People who are working on vaccines. Just shoutout to scientists. Thank you, scientists! A big shoutout to you and—again—anybody who is… able to volunteer right now to help make a safe and available election? In November? I just wanna say I see you and thank you. I am sure like many of you, I was incredibly touched by the memorial service to John Lewis and his op-ed in The New York Times was incredibly powerful. And… serves as a very good reminder that every effort we make is an important effort. ‘K? To keep us moving towards positive change. So thank you to all of you out there stirring up good trouble. And building communities. This is a hard time to do that in? Because of the pandemic? And every little action carries weight. So… thank you for all of you who are out there doing whatever you can. I just really appreciate it. You guys are all doing a remarkable fucking job.
biz
I also wanna say thank you to those who woo’d with me today for joining the Maximum Fun family! That—I—that’s really… guys? It’s—it can be lonely in the booth. [Laughs.] And… y’know, Hannah and I come in here and we put stuff out and not having Theresa here to sorta sound off of sometimes? It—you’re not sure if what we’re putting out is—has value. And so your calls really mean a great deal and your support of the show. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support. I can’t be any more direct than to say we cannot keep making this show without it. So thank you to all who have supported. If you haven’t had a chance to, you still have time and there are so many options. You can become a new or upgrading member. You can now boost your membership by any amount—like $1 or $3—and also, this year, there’s also gift memberships! Which is so cool. So like if you want to get a membership to support the show and MaxFun on behalf of somebody? You can do that! You can give that to them as a gift. Which I think is so awesome. Also, in terms of pins? I just wanted to mention that the pin sale has begun. When you become a new member or an upgrading member at the $10 level you get to pick a cool little pin for a show. Ours is a sack of bananas. But the pins are so cool. But now you can come back and you can continue to buy whatever pins you would like to get? And all of the pin sales goes to charity. So you can find out more about that and how to become a member at MaximumFun.org/join.
biz
And let me tell you how I’m doing! I’m alright. [Laughs.] I’m like—I’m like everybody who’s already called. I am tired. And last week was a good week. This week is not a good week. It’s amazing that this is still… happening. Any minute, I’m gonna get an email from the school to let me know what school’s gonna look like. [Laughs.] At least as of today. That could change. On the bright side, a brand-new Muppet Show is starting tonight on the Disney Channel and I’m pretty excited about that. So… y’know. Little bit of a, little bit of b. I think that ties in sort of nicely to what I’m excited to talk to Margaret Ables from the podcast What Fresh Hell about today, and that is—are we still supposed to be in survival mode?
promo
Banjo strums; cheerful banjo music continues through dialogue.
theresa
Please—take a moment to remember: If you’re friends of the hosts of One Bad Mother, you should assume that when we talk about other moms, we’re talking about you.
biz
If you are married to the host of One Bad Mother, we definitely are talking about you.
theresa
Nothing we say constitutes professional parenting advice.
biz
Biz and Theresa’s children are brilliant, lovely, and exceedingly extraordinary.
theresa
Nothing said on this podcast about them implies otherwise. [Banjo music fades out.] [Biz and Margaret repeatedly affirm each other throughout the episode.]
biz
I am so excited because today I am joined by Margaret Ables, who is a comedy writer and producer with a wide array of credits in television, film, and theater; including head of video and senior writer for Nickelodeon’s NickMom. Margaret is the cohost of the podcast What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood, along with comedian Amy Wilson. What Fresh Hell is a Top 10 parenting podcast on Apple Podcasts with over two million downloads to date. I can’t imagine that you guys aren’t already familiar with it. Welcome… Margaret! Woooo!
margaret
Thank you! So nice to be here! Thank you for having me!
biz
It is so nice to have you here! But before we get into all the joys of living during a pandemic, I want to ask you what we ask all our guests, which is—who lives in your house?
margaret
I have one husband— [Biz laughs.] —three children, and a cat.
biz
Woo!
margaret
It’s not that many people, but it’s like each one of them seems like ten people at this point during the pandemic.
biz
I only care about the cat. What is the cat’s name?
margaret
The cat’s name is Avril. The cat was a L.A. alley cat who we adopted because she stayed one night in our house in L.A. and killed a rat that first night and that’s how she earned her keep. And now we moved her to the East Coast and she’s about six years old.
biz
Is it after Avril Lavigne? Or is it a family name? [Laughs.]
margaret
It is not. It is after—apparently there was some—there was an Angry Birds cartoon several years ago that my five-year-old at the time—who is now eleven—was into. And that’s how “Avril” was born.
biz
Well, how old are the three kids living in the house?
margaret
11, 10, and 8.
biz
Wow.
margaret
Yeah. We got a closely-packed bunch.
crosstalk
Biz: I know something about you! [Laughs.] Margaret: There’s too many of them, too close. [Laughs.]
margaret
The real truth of my story is that I got married at 37 and I said, “Let me see how many kids I can have.” And then four years later I was like, “Oh, no, this plan is going way too well.” [Biz laughs.] “I have to stop this plan. ‘Cause I might be having nine kids under ten soon if I keep doing this.”
biz
Yeah. You could—yeah. And then you fall into the category that I like to be part of, which is [singing] Ollld Mom!” [Laughs.]
margaret
Oh, I am so Old Mom. I once had a—I had a lady stop me at a amusement park and she was probably 19 and she had two little kids. And she was like, “Oh, your grandkids are so cute!” I said, “No, no. They’re mine. They’re mine.” And she could not believe it to the point where she called over several friends. And she was like, “This lady—the mom! They came from her!” [Biz laughs.]
biz
Yeah. I have—the first time you’re called a grandmother, it’s an interesting moment. I—my older sister delights every time I share a story of somebody calling me a grandmother. But yeah! It’s great. It’s a real—real ego pleaser.
margaret
Just a geriatric pregnancy that led to a geriatric mom. [Biz laughs.] Still having young kids.
biz
[Singing] That’s right! [Regular voice] Okay. Well we now know who lives in your house. By the way—for the record—I have two. One is turning 11 in like two weeks? And the other is six. And… they for sure are equal to about 20 people.
margaret
Yeah. Every day the pandemic goes, they’re like equal to three more people.
biz
Yeah. I keep—I was thinking today about, like, is the pandemic aging me like—am I now, like, animal years? Like, I— [Laughs.]
margaret
That’s a good way to think of it.
biz
Right? Like, I know that I’m this age, but then am I like times seven for every year?
crosstalk
Biz: Like, am I like that much older? Yeah! Margaret: Yeah. I think that’s fair. I think that’s fair.
biz
That’s—
margaret
I would give you like two years for every month. That’s what I would.
crosstalk
Margaret: That would be my calculus. Yeah. Biz: Two years for every month? Yeah.
biz
That’s… whoo, calculus! Let’s talk about the podcast. I would love to talk about, y’know, the generic podcast question that everybody gets asked. And that is—how did you guys get started? And why? What were you—what were you looking to do? [Laughs.]
margaret
We started—Amy and I have known each other forever. She went to college with my sister many, many, many, many years ago. And she was an actress. Went out to L.A., was on a couple of sitcoms. Any Daddy-O fans out there? The Michael Chiklis vehicle— [Biz laughs.] —from back in the day? Amy was a costar on that one. She was on Norm Macdonald’s sitcom. She was like a working sitcom actress. I was a television writer. So we were both kind of deep in the world of like… and this was in—probably the last era of sitcoms with like all the Harvard dudes in their oxford shirts and backwards baseball caps? Like that whole world. Which neither of us delighted in.
biz
Oh, no? You didn’t find it welcoming? [Laughs.]
margaret
It was not the greatest. And… y’know. Work was hard to come by. And so years and years later—we just always kind of ran into each other. It’s like—y’know Hamilton? Aaron Burr and Hamilton, they’re just always like, “Here we are again together!” That was kind of our relationship. Hopefully it doesn’t end in one of us—
crosstalk
Margaret: —shooting the other in a duel. This relationship. Biz: I was gonna say, you guys are just like Hamilton and Burr. [Laughs.]
margaret
Hopefully it doesn’t go that way. Could go that way, but hopefully not. And so then I was—Nickelodeon, the television channel for youngsters, started a channel, I guess. Called NickMom. Aimed at moms. Comedy for moms. And I was there and I was the head of video so I had a lot of videos coming in. And Amy was in a lot of them. [Biz laughs.] She was—whatever production company was making videos. And there—it was like we just kept turning up. And I was like, “There’s that Amy Wilson again!” She had written a parenting book. We both had mom blogs. And as Nick Mom went the way of so many other projects in my life—into an iceberg and sinking fast— [Biz laughs.] —I called Amy. And I said, “We should do something together! We’re always nearby. We seem to be in the same world. I wanna do a podcast called What Fresh Hell. And I want you to cohost it with me.” And she said, “I would like to.” [Biz cheers.] And that’s kinda the whole story of the podcast. [Biz laughs.] It’s been—I didn’t even know this when I approached her? I just, like, though, “Amy’s funny. She’s in this world. She would be a good person.” And I think it has turned into like a magical twosome. Because we have extremely opposite takes on parenting. We are very, very different people? And we are very, very different parents? [Biz laughs.] And having chosen her randomly, I did not really… think of that? But it has worked out amazingly to our benefit because we can always talk because Amy tends to be, like, uptight, by-the-book, “I read three articles and this is how it’s gonna go”? And I tend to be like, “That is insane. Kids are monsters. We just have—basically have to watch it happen.” [Biz laughs.] And so that’s been the podcast for three years now!
biz
Aw, it’s amazing. Yeah. I—in particular, I enjoy the… Instagram videos.
margaret
Oh, yeah.
biz
Yeah. Those have been a lot of fun. And really, the pandemic has brought out some of your finest work, I think. But— [Laughs.]
margaret
Well, it’s funny, because when it started—I’m sure like you—like, everybody else, right? Did you have that moment of just thinking, “Do we keep doing this during a pandemic?” Y’know, and we’re in New York, so we—it came right for us in March. It was so serious. It was so out of control here. Scary. Unknown. And we had this huge feeling of like—is this stupid, to keep trying to do this when apparently the zombie apocalypse is happening? This is like—at the end of this story. And we found that just talking about—and we had never made videos before the pandemic started. But we started, we’re like, “Okay, we’re home. Let’s try to find stuff to do.” And I can’t say it’s been good for us ‘cause that sounds shallow and horrible, but— [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] It has opened doors that we didn’t necessarily think about. And I think a lot of people are kinda looking for anybody talking about how it’s going for them? Because they’re like, everyone’s just hanging onto different, y’know, branches that float by and trying to stay afloat.
biz
Yes. I think that actually will tie in very nicely to what I’m hoping we can talk about today. Which is—really, just that. This is… I wanna take us back four and a half months—five months—ago, when this all started. And one by one—like dominos—everybody started sheltering in place and virtual learning. Online learning. Whatever you wanna call the learning. You’re no longer in a classroom. You’re suddenly all in a house together—or apartment together or what the—yurt? It doesn’t matter. You’re all together in a space— [Laughs.] That you’re probably not meant to all be together in 24 hours a day.
margaret
Where you never wanted to be. Yep.
biz
Yeah. So we’re online learning. Everybody’s kind of freaking out, which was totally justified. And then… the articles started coming out. And the articles and the advice to parents. And a lot of it was… “Don’t—don’t freak out. Don’t worry. This is survival mode! All we’re trying to do is get through the last six weeks of school. It’s not a big deal. You don’t have to know how to learn online. It’s okay [through laughter] if your kids don’t wanna do it. Y’know. We’ll just get through, because in the fall we’re gonna come back and we’re gonna catch up. We’re gonna catch up on all that learning they did not learn.” And—
margaret
It’s gonna be fine, guys.
biz
Just like—whatever. You’re gonna be fine. Survival mode. And I guess… I guess I’m at this place now where—I am a apocalypse fan. I— [Margaret laughs.]
margaret
I like it! You’re in the right time! You were born at the right time.
biz
Yeah! I was born at the right time. 100%.
crosstalk
Biz: And my garage— Margaret: Congratulations!
biz
—is ready for the end times.
margaret
Oh, hilarious. I’m coming to your house if it all goes wrong ‘cause I don’t even have a loaf of bread. Like, I don’t have toilet paper. I’m coming to you.
biz
Oh yeah. The cats will be cared for forever.
margaret
No, my cat’s gotta kill mice. [Biz laughs.] I got nothing. I don’t have food—
biz
We’re gonna have to eat the cat. [Laughs.]
margaret
Yeah. Give me your address off-air because I need to come to your house ‘cause I don’t have a canned good. [Biz laughs.] I have, like, four Snickers bars if this all goes to hell. I’m like—
biz
Oh, but that’s—that’s tradeable. So hold onto those. Hold onto the Snickers bars and the tampons and you’ll be king.
margaret
Yes. [Both laugh.] I love it.
biz
So I… assume the worst. I knew we weren’t, probably, coming back in the fall. Right? Like, I just thought that—
margaret
Right away? Like, you knew that March 15th?
biz
March 15th I knew that school was gonna shut down and this was not gonna be okay. You guys can go back and listen to that show. I was like, “We’re all gonna close up here.”
margaret
I’m so glad you didn’t call me—
crosstalk
Margaret: —‘cause I lived in my yummy denial for weeks. Biz: I didn’t call you. Yeah. No, no.
biz
I am the opposite. I am like, “Let’s just… when do you wanna break the news to the children?” I’m like that. I’m like… how—do I want them to be upset now? Or when everybody catches up with my worst-case scenario mind?
margaret
Wow.
biz
So yeah! I’m a good time. So—
margaret
That’s impressive. [Biz laughs.]
biz
So I—when school ended, I was like, “We’re not coming back. This is just—probably not.” Like, everybody’s just waiting for the email to come out from your school that says, “You’re stuck. At home.” And fall is just around the corner. School is just about to start. Are we—here’s the question. Are we still in survival mode? Regardless of if you think this ends in December? Like, we’re all gonna just make it through the fall and then like—
margaret
Listen. Things might get much better by Labor Day. I’m just saying. [Laughs.]
biz
Oh, they’re gonna be great. Okay. Let’s say you think October, we’re all going back into the classroom. Or you think maybe longer? Maybe we go in? Maybe we come out again. Maybe we go in? Maybe—like, a little groundhog looking to see where all of its ladies are. That’s right—I watch Wild Kratts. I know why the groundhog actually comes out of the ground. [Margaret laughs.] So are you in survival mode? Like, how are you entering into this year? I guess the question is—three kids. What I’ve learned is that doesn’t mean they’re all going to the same school. Maybe they are. [Laughs.] Probably… who knows. Are your schools open? Are they closed? What’s the story you’re being fed? Answer all my questions; I’m gonna keep throwing them at you. Go.
margaret
I got it. I got it. I’m gonna write ‘em all down.
biz
Good.
margaret
So literally one hour before we got on here together, we got our school plan. It’s a hybrid model. I’m very happy with it, but I already—in fact, I was sitting, kind of getting my stuff ready to go. My husband texted me. The school plan—said he’s texting me stuff. I said, “Don’t tell the kids. Because I don’t want them to think—” It’s—it’s more than I could’ve hoped for. It’s a hybrid model. The kids are in some days, out some days. It’s—looks great to me. If this could come true I would be in nirvana? And of course it’s a nirvana that I would’ve described as hell five months ago? But now— [Biz laughs.] —it’s top of the mountain. Right? Like, my kids, out of my house two days a week? I’m like singing a chorus of hallelujahs.
biz
But they’re only out for one hour, so really you’re just sitting in your car waiting to pick ‘em back up. [Laughs.]
margaret
I’ve been Lucy’d with the football enough to know that like I’m not—I’m not buying all in on this plan!
biz
Mm-mm.
margaret
‘Cause although I try to be in a cocoon of denial, I am not denial-y enough to think that this is what’s actually gonna happen. [Biz laughs.] Like what’s gonna happen is it’s gonna start… and then someone’s gonna get it and then we’ll be off for two months? But I like to have—it—to me it’s like just another branch to hold onto. [Biz laughs.] The thing is—I say on our podcast, like—I can’t go back to Shawshank. That remote learning was hell for me. I… hated it. And often—I mean, there’s always the danger of being like, “I’m a person who doesn’t like snakes biting my face.” And people are like, “That’s everyone, you moron.” Y’know, like—I get that it’s everyone. But some people I know did not have the hell. I— [Biz laughs.] I am a horrible teacher? I am a horrible mother when my kids are around 24 hours a day? I make them cry when I try to teach them. I am terrible at it. And I also think as a person who got married at 37 and had a long, happy life that did not involve a husband and children? I signed up for kind of a different deal. I keep saying to my husband, “I signed up to be a wife, like, 40% of the time.” [Biz laughs.] And a mom, like, 62% of the time on a bad day. I never signed up for 100% mom. 100% wife. And then 100% teacher! This is not the contract I signed. And I’m not good at it, and that’s not my fault.
biz
No— [Laughs.]
margaret
I never promised you people I would be good at this. And I stink at it and I don’t wanna go back. And so I am just clinging… with complete desperation… to the idea that my kids could go two days a week and then the rest of it I can just put them in front of like a documentary about baby bears? And be like, this is learning.
biz
Yeah. That’s good. I like that. Y’know—
margaret
That’s what I’m going with. Because I’m not—I can’t go back to teaching. I can’t do it. I can’t do it!
biz
Well, I know! So that’s like… that’s like where… where—I guess I am. I am also not a natural-born teacher. I also am not, like… not like a… person who enjoys parenting all the time?
margaret
Mm-hm.
biz
I mean, y’know. I like ‘em. I like my kids. But like—it’s not—
margaret
But enough already! I mean, that’s fine!
biz
Y’know, look. It’s not—like, I definitely don’t like babies. Everybody who listens to the show knows that wasn’t my area. Of happiness. Y’know, they’re older now and that helps. But yeah. I… I don’t think anybody… anybody who has kids in their house— [Laughs.] Ever thought outside of like the newborn… like, stage—if you had a newborn in your house—like, that you were gonna ever again have to spend 24 hours a day with those kids. Like… it is—
margaret
No! That’s not what we signed up for, guys! No!
biz
Like, it’s surreal that for four-and-a-half months, no one’s left this house. What bothers me [through laughter] is that they’re growing up and they’re still doing all the stuff they’re supposed to be doing developmentally? But I have to witness it, like, 24 hours a day?
margaret
That’s not fair. I’m sorry for you. ‘Cause that’s not fair.
biz
No. It’s not fun, either!
margaret
This is not normal, what we’re doing. It’s not natural.
biz
No, okay, but that’s what I mean! It’s not normal, and it’s not natural, and… survival mode, survival mode. But like… we’re about to enter into whatever it’s gonna be. Whether it’s a hybrid; whether it’s all in. I don’t think I’m supposed to be in survival mode anymore! Is it fair to say we’re going into survival mode again?
margaret
Yes. And this is what I think. And I wanna say—before I say this—that I have been watching a tremendous amount of Little House on the Prairie. And reading the books with my daughter?
crosstalk
Margaret: I’m obsessed. Biz: Oh my god. This is what I think this whole world is.
biz
I’m like, this is what school is gonna look like.
margaret
This is it, right?
crosstalk
Margaret: This is what I keep thinking. Biz: This is school—yeah.
margaret
We’re going back to harvest time. It’s summer! So like—we’re—there’s no crops to deal with. There’s no problems. It’s summer. But now we’re like all like pioneer people. Comes the darkness of fall. And like now we are going to be like threshing wheat all the time. And it’s gonna stink. And that’s why we’re gonna have, y’know, the holidays. To come. Because we’re going to need some bit of celebration to ward off the darkness of the winter. Like, this is why people used to live like that! And guess what? We’re back, baby.
biz
But that’s not survival. That’s acceptance. [Laughs.]
margaret
Yeah! But I mean, it is—it is a bleak acceptance that like—we’ve got—I mean, I’m in New York State. We’ve got a climate problem here. Like, it’s about to get real cold and real dark, on top of being a nightmare. Let me tell you—the minute it started to warm up and stopped raining in May? I was like, we might—we might pull through. Like, the late days of freezing cold April? When it was raining 40 degrees every single day, all day? I was like, “We’re not gonna make it. We’re just gonna have to go out and take our chances with the zombies. Because we’re not gonna make it!” And that is the thing that I do think, like, yes. Survival mode is coming back. So we are trying—in the summer, we’re doing nothing. I’m like, three hours of Fortnite a day? Go for it. You want—go outside. Run around. Shoot each other with Nerf guns for ten hours. We’re not learning anything! We’re not growing as people. We are just—literally we are making hay while the sun shines. Like, we are just— [Biz laughs.] —trying to enjoy every day? Because I think that September and October and November and December are going to… really, really suck!
biz
Yeah. No. They are. Again, that’s the acceptance part. Like, it’s—
margaret
I guess it is. It’s not quite—‘cause I think that’s right. I think “survival mode” implies… a level of, like, working concern that I don’t think is sustainable. And that’s the one thing—I mean… it’s hard to give advice, because—right? It’s like, the basic choices are like, “Do you want this horrible thing or this horrible thing?” And often on the podcast when we’re talking about parenting things, we’re like, “Well, here are the—here are the things. And it seems like this thing is fundamentally better than the other choice.” Y’know. If you’re talking about, let’s say, disciplining versus spanking. I can make a pretty strong argument that one of those is fundamentally better. [Biz laughs.] But these choices are kind of like… well, this horrible choice is pretty bad and you might die of a really awful disease! Or just stay inside your house and hate each other’s guts. Like, there’s no good… y’know, and there’s no… I don’t think there’s ever been a situation where I have been in a situation where, like, nobody has any useful information. At all!
biz
That’s it! That’s it. That’s, like, where I feel like we gotta wrap up on. Is just that. Like, we… y’know, it is—this whole conversation is like how it has been. There’s the—y’know—“Here’s what it was like. Here’s how I’m feeling about it. And now here we are with… okay! But it’s still gonna happen. So…” [Laughs.] There’s—there’s no choice. There are—no one—it’s not like, “Well, what are you gonna do? Well what are you gonna do?” You could ask me every day and I will not have the same answer every day because every day something is different and something seems to change? And while… if that letter comes in today and says “Those children can be in the school,” I—you—oh! They are gonna be in that school. Like, as fast—like, today! Like, I will go—we will just camp out and we will just sit there—
crosstalk
Margaret: [Laughs.] Right. You’re in the car line already. Just idling. I like it. Biz: —until… like, in the car line already. Like, I am ready to go. But like…
biz
I know that that will not be the permanent solution? I know that will be a hybrid. I know we’re going back and forth. And I have the luxury of hosting a podcast! I work from home!
crosstalk
Margaret: That’s the thing! Biz: And what this is is that—
biz
—like, I think like my larger frustration and my larger question about survival mode—my larger… like, where my brain goes on this. Is—it’s like… everybody… started this spring saying, “Just get through it. It’s all gonna be— [Laughs.] It’s all gonna be over.” And then it’s not over. But no one addressed… any of this. And it’s so fucked up. And it’s like so absurd that suddenly teachers—who are also parents, many times!—
margaret
Most times, yeah. God.
biz
Yeah. They’ve got like—so—when you’re talking about working parents and you’re talking about teachers, they get two categories. They get to be in two categories. And kids and families and extended families—like— [Laughs.] Like… it is like… shitting on a box of like newborn puppies is what it feels like. [Margaret laughs.] It feels like you’ve got this sweet box of like the most innocent—the ones who like have got all the stuff to do and we’re just gonna say, “Good luck! And here’s a bonus—we’re gonna take a big shit on you! And now you all have to figure it out!” Like… and it’s impossible to figure it out. Like, that’s where I go crazy is I feel like, y’know… people of authority are saying, “Get back to it. Make your choices.” But there are no choices to make. There’s no good choice. Every choice is a bad one, like you said.
margaret
But I do think the only place you can come out—and we talk a lot about this with kids—is like, “Well I’m scared of this.” “Well that’s not gonna happen! Don’t worry about it.” We always say, like, “Lean in.” Like, “Let’s talk about that. You’re scared that I’m gonna die. What would happen? Other people would help Dad take care of you. This is what it would look like if I would die.” We’re not gonna, like, say, “Don’t worry about that! It’s not gonna happen!” And I feel like this situation, you just have to keep going back for yourself. For your kids. For your sanity. To like… a really bad thing is happening that we have very little control over. And every day we’re gonna try to make the next good decision? But there is no answer. There is no end. There is no finish line. And all of these things are super depressing? But we just have to stare it down. And be like, “We’re gonna try our best.” If the schools open, I’m gonna send my kids. And then if someone gets sick, they’re gonna shut down for a couple of weeks. This is not gonna be education. My kids are not gonna get a phenomenal education this year. I am not personally able to supplement that education because it makes me insane and it ruins our lives. And so… we’re in a global pandemic. This is not normal. This is the worst disease to affect the world in 100 years. And so this is really what it is! And like, if it goes on long enough? Y’know. My husband might lose his job. If it goes on long enough, one of my kids could get it. One of my beloved older people in my life could get it. But… all we can do—I have to, like, stop borrowing the trouble of like next January this could still go on? And just be like, okay, next best choice—while I look really hard at how badly this sucks.
biz
Yeah.
margaret
That’s how I’m getting through the day.
biz
That’s pretty good. [Margaret laughs.] I also have wine. [Laughs.]
margaret
Yeah, oh. Don’t forget that. And snacks. I find chocolate chip scones are going a long way towards helping my mental health.
music
“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds. [Music fades out.]
biz
Hey, guys! Just a quick reminder that it is the last week of the MaxFunDrive and this is really cool. I just wanted to share with you guys that you can get a subscription for a friend for a year! So you can both enjoy the bonus episodes and the swag. You can gift a subscription to someone you’ve never even met! This is the one I love. But somebody who had to cancel this year due to COVID. You’ll be paying the bonus content and MaxFun gifts forward to someone who could use a little extra [singsong voice] cheer! [Regular voice] Just check the “Anonymous MaxFunster” box when filling out the online form at MaximumFun.org/join. And again—a huge thank-you to all our members who’ve made it possible for us to keep doing this show during this time. Thank you.
theresa
Hey, you know what it’s time for! This week’s genius and fails! This is the part of the show where we share our genius moment of the week, as well as our failures, and feel better about ourselves by hearing yours. You can share some of your own by calling 206-350-9485. That’s 206-350-9485.
biz
Genius fail time, Margaret! Because you are a guest, I… am going to let you go second. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
Margaret: Okay. Thank you. Biz: Which sounds like the opposite of how you treat a guest?
biz
But… for the purposes of this show and telling intimate details about yourself, possibly, sometimes being second is better. So what that—
margaret
Love it.
biz
—said. I will start with my genius.
clip
[Dramatic, swelling music in background.] Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius! [Biz and Theresa repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss their respective genius moments of the week.]
biz
And my genius is—oops! I bought brownie mix. I— [Laughs.] Guys? As you all know, Theresa is still taking much-needed time off to focus on her family and I finally discovered a thing that I could do to help. Anybody who listens to the show knows that Theresa and birthdays don’t always—it’s not like her favorite thing. And I like making cakes. So I have offered to make her kids their birthday cakes this year, ‘cause I know Gracie’s birthday is coming up, like, next week. So I found out what she wanted for her birthday cake. And Theresa—by the way—good job for letting me actually do this—I went to the store for my like— [Laughs.] Once-every-three-weeks shopping extravaganza. And I got two cake mixes. And I came home and first Ellis walks into the kitchen and says, “You got brownie mix?” I’m like, “That kid can’t read yet. No, it’s cake mix! [Through laughter] It’s chocolate cake mix.” Then Katy Belle comes in later and says, “Brownies?!” And I’m like, “What the—did I get brownie mix?!” And then I got in and Ellis can read. Yay! And I got two boxes of brownie mix and I’m so sorry I had to make brownies yesterday. And… oops! Brownie genius! So yay. Now. [Laughs.] Margaret. Genius me.
margaret
Okay. My genius is that my—I have three kids, as we’ve mentioned, who are home a lot. And my kid invented a game where he was—called “Sneaky”? And it’s him sneaking around the house. And so I completely leaned in on the game of Sneaky and I was like, “Oh, you guys aren’t as sneaky as you think. I can always see and hear you.” So now the game is that I sit quietly for an hour and read my book and pretend I don’t see them sneaking. And then every once in a while I look up and I’m like, “I see you!” And then they freak out and they start again. And I get like another 40 minutes of “sneaking.” [Biz gasps.] I’m a genius. Like, this—I should patent it. I should write a book. I should write a New York Times Bestseller—
crosstalk
Margaret: —called Sneaky: The Game. Biz: You should—a tell-all!
margaret
Because it is the greatest thing that’s ever happened in my life. [Biz laughs.]
biz
That is… that’s fucking genius.
margaret
All I have to listen to is them being like, “Shh! Shh! Be quiet! Mom’s gonna hear you!” That’s the only noise I listen to for one hour straight.
biz
You can ignore that real easy. [Laughs.]
margaret
Oh, it’s great! The whole game is ignoring it! That’s it!
crosstalk
Margaret: It’s awesome. Thank you! Biz: [Through laughter] Love it. Good job!
margaret
I’m pretty proud of that one.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa! I’m calling to share my genius. Which is that during this pandemic, my toddler has learned that alphabet and all her numbers by reading license plates. For the past 11 weeks, we’ve been going on a daily 45-minute walk around the block with my now 19-month-old daughter. We’ve mostly street parking in our neighborhood and obviously nobody’s going anywhere so there’s a lot of parked cars. For some reason when we started this tradition, she started walking from car to car and pointing at the letters and numbers on all the license plates. At first I’d just say whatever she was pointing to. But now she runs from car to car and says all the letters and numbers by herself. All I have to do it mutter some encouragement every once in a while and point her in the direction of the next car. I can even do it with headphones in while I’m listening to a podcast. [Both hosts laugh.] So if there are any moms out there who—like me—think you don’t know how to turn—teach preschool? Turns out we can do it after all. We’re all doing a great job. Bye!
biz
You, like, Montessori’d that shit! Like, that is some good taking advantage of your circumstances!
margaret
That is the genius of—we often take questions and one of the questions we get is, “How do I get my preschooler to sit still for three hours of Zoom?” And I’m like, “Oh, I know the answer for that! You don’t. That’s insanity. Take your kid out.” [Biz laughs.] “And have them read the letters off of license plates.” That’s a much better school experience for that kid and it is legit genius.
biz
You, madam, are a genius. And we will all be signing up for your at-home learning program to start in the fall. Thanks for saving all of our lives. Failures!
clip
[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.] Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL! [Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.] Biz: [Calmly] You suck! [Biz and Theresa repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss their respective failures of the week.]
biz
I will fail you, Margaret! [Laughs.] Okay. I left the house today, guys, to go to a little volunteer thing at the school that probably won’t open? And I forgot that that was gonna ruin Ellis’s life. Despite prepping him for… not only hours, but days. And like leaving on a really positive note, like, [cheerfully] “I’m gonna go now!” Margaret, my second child really loves his mother.
crosstalk
Margaret: Yes. Yes. I have heard about him. Biz: [Laughs.] I mean, like—
biz
Gonna brush my hair until I’m 80. [Margaret laughs.] I should not have to come home to a full-on, like, meltdown, tears, now has to sit in my lap for like an hour and oh my god it’s your workday! I forgot it was your workday! And it’s horrible. I ruined his day. And his life. And… how dare I try to be a person in the world. So.
margaret
Mm. Terrible.
crosstalk
Biz: Shame on me! Shame on me. Margaret: You should be really—
margaret
That’s just terrible. I’m sorry that happened to your child. That you tried to be a person.
biz
I know. Alright. Fail me, please.
margaret
I had such a classic, classic, classic fail. Which was—we were on a family Zoom. We’re doing the family Zoom thing where we get all the extended family. And my daughter was yelling that she cut herself and my daughter is very, very about cuts. So she’s constantly got a cut. [Biz laughs.] And I’m like, “I can’t even find this cut you’re talking about.” But she’s gotta have ice and the band-aid and I’m like, “This is not a cut.” And so she started complaining she was cut and I was screaming at her to shut up on the family Zoom in front of like 20 family members. [Biz laughs.] And then of course she emerges in the background of the Zoom call looking like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. [Biz laughs.] She is bleeding like nothing I’ve ever seen. There is—I mean, I won’t go into details ‘cause people are sensitive about blood? But there is a trail of blood throughout the house. She has—we had gotten our roof done and they left like roofing staples?
crosstalk
Biz: Oh my god. Margaret: And she had sliced the entire bottom of her foot open.
margaret
On a roofing staple. And it was unbelievable. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life and I— [Biz laughs.] It was bad enough that it happened? But for—I mean, my 20 family members. It was like, “Hey, parent of the year, how’s it going at your house today?” ‘Cause I shamed myself in front of pretty much everyone. [Biz laughs.]
biz
Woo! You are doing a horrible job! Ugh!
margaret
Yeah, I’m pretty bad at this thing. Pretty bad.
biz
God, it’s just awful. [Laughs.]
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hey, Biz and Theresa! I think this is a fail. So my daughter’s finger can’t straighten. And instead of just making the doctor’s appointment and letting it be and waiting until we went to the doctor, I decided to google her symptoms. And now I’m in a spiral. Because it’s very scary on the internet and— [Biz laughs.] —there are, like, congenital hand disorders? Are a possibility? As well as just having, like, y’know, a growth spurt. So it could be a number of things and I’m just here now being overwhelmed. And… feeling like I want to cry a little bit. But also knowing that right now, I should be working! So that’s where I’m at today. And… it’s a fail. I hope you guys are doing better than me! Bye.
biz
Yeah. The internet is a horrible place. Is like, that should just be on my tombstone. Y’know? Like, that—don’t ever google anything, guys. I say this as I will go and google something in the next, like, 24 hours that I freak out about? I’m so sorry that you googled. That is your fail. It reminds— [Laughs.] Me that—I know that what you’re saying is that somehow your daughter’s finger may have been straight at one point in time and then got crooked? Well, growing up in the very deep South, my sister’s very first book—Eating the Cheshire Cat—begins with a mother and daughter. The daughter’s about to turn—I think—16? I’m not sure. But she’s had a crooked pinky her whole life? And the doctors would never fix it ‘cause it was so dumb ‘cause they were like, “You’re not gonna want to fix it. It won’t be pleasurable.” And so the book opens with this mother taking a brick and smashing her daughter’s finger to break it! So that they can get it reset so she can have a perfect pinky! ‘Cause in the deep South we’re weird. We did a lot of horrible things to ourselves. [Margaret laughs.] Anyway. So this is all I could think of, listening to this call? So… on some levels you’re doing a really great job. [Laughs.] Not—not googling and then also trying to figure out how to fix it. Don’t—don’t try to fix it.
margaret
I think all fails are relative. If you didn’t hit her with a brick, you’re ahead of the game!
biz
Yes! Exact—
crosstalk
Biz: That’s my bar. Yeah. I know! Margaret: That’s a good perspective. I mean—say googling wasn’t smart, but at least you didn’t smash it with a brick.
margaret
That’s what I would take away.
biz
You’re doing a horrible—a horrible job! Never google anything. In fact, just continue to ignore all ailments that affect your children. And all will be well!
music
“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics. You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known. I love you, I love you. When I have a problem, I call you on the phone. I love you, I love you. [Music fades out.]
biz
[Singing] We’ve got a Jumbotron! Woo woo! [Laughs.] [Regular voice] This may be my favorite Jumbotron we’ve ever had. This is a Jumbotron for all the farm and ranch mommas. From—someone who would like to remain anonymous! [Laughs.] “May your gates be latched. May your hay be dry. And your teats be clean. Because you are doing a great job.” I think that I am in love. [Laughs.] That is the best Jumbotron, in fact. Thank you, Anonymous, for that special shoutout to all of those farm and ranch mommas who—yeah—yeah. It’s a lot. And you are seen.
music
Laid-back acoustic guitar plays in background.
biz
One Bad Mother is supported in part by Booknicks. A teacher-facilitated, interactive subscription box and online book club for middle-grade readers. A curated selection of books for different reading and developmental levels is offered every month, along with Big Idea questions, weekly emailed reading guides, and monthly activities that correspond with the theme of the book to help readers engage more deeply with the material. At the end of the month, children can participate in an interactive, teacher-led, virtual book club with teachers and other students from around the country! You can get 20% off your first month at Booknicks.com when you use promo code “bad20.” At Booknicks.com—that’s B-O-O-K-N-I-C-K-S.com—when you use promo code “bad20.” That’s B-A-D-2-0. [Music fades and transitions into different laid-back guitar music playing in background.]
biz
One Bad Mother is supported in part by Billie. Self-care and routine are always important. Whatever you’re using to get ready for the day should make you feel amazing! Meet Billie. They’ve created everyday essentials by delivering premium razors and high-performing body care directly to you. No pink tax. No visit to the drugstore. Go to MyBillie.com and get their starter kid for just $9. That includes their award-winning razor, two refill blades, and a magnetic holder that keeps your razor safe and dry in-between uses. Hannah and I were just talking about the little hanger for your Billie razor? Actually is the most amazing thing and makes us both really happy. And they just released three completely clean, must-have products to add to your routine: lip balm, dry shampoo, and face wipes. Get started by going to MyBillie.com/mother to get the best razor you will ever own. Best part? The starter kit is just $9 plus free shipping, always. Go to MyBillie.com/mother. Spelled MyB-I-L-L-I-E.com/mother. [Music fades out.]
biz
Well, everybody? It’s that time again. The time to sit back and… celebrate all that is parenting. [Laughs.] Especially parenting during a worldwide pandemic. Let’s listen to a mom… have a breakdown.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa! It’s a mom having a breakdown. Or a rant. Or… probably a combination of the two. [Tearfully] I just have to work today. And I take twelve weeks of leave. And it’s not—it’s not gonna be paid and it’s really gonna hurt us but I couldn’t send my kids back to school with everything. And so I’m glad there was a virtual option and I’m glad that we have that choice but [sobs] it means that I don’t get to be a self anymore. It means that I don’t get to leave the house. Unless it’s [inaudible] one of my classes where I have to be afraid of getting sick. And it means that when I’m not in class I’m teaching my kids. And trying to study. I’m taking care of the house and I just… I feel bits and pieces of me being chipped away. And I feel so selfish saying that because I know people are dying. And there’s people who have it so much harder than me, but… [sobs]. I am worried at the end of this that I will not be a self anymore. And I don’t want my kids to think it’s their fault. The next time— [inaudible]. This decision makes me sad. But I know it’s the right decision for our family and I know it’s the right decision, but these people all over the country are struggling with it. It’s just a big sack of bananas. [Sobs.] Because… we shouldn’t have to make this decision. But [sobs, then sighs.] It is what it is. Thank you for this show and reminding us that through all of this that we are doing a good job. Because I don’t feel like I am. But I needed to hear it. Thank you.
biz
You are doing… a absolutely remarkable job. In… a situation that is completely… impossible. First off? It is… not a competition. ‘K? Who’s got it worse. We can identify and be aware of others, but that doesn’t have to additionally be at the expense of not acknowledging your own experience. Okay? Yes. This is a decision that lots of people have to make right now. That doesn’t mean it’s still not an awful… choice. To have to stop working for a while in order to make adjustments for your family during this pandemic? [Laughs.] It just sucks! It does suck. It—because this is not… none of this is what we thought it was gonna be… pre-pandemic, and even at the beginning of the pandemic. And yes. Yes. In the grand scheme of the world, there are many—many more difficult situations and experiences people are having all over the world. Where choices are even harder. But here’s the thing. You live in your house? You are a person? This is your family? And… this is affecting you in this way right now. And… it’s impossible. And… your fear of… losing your self? That chipping-away? Oh god, yes! I completely understand the chipping. You have to… like… give and put so many things aside in order to put the needs of your kids first. And like—even if you’d already found the balance. Like, y’know. I’ve spent years trying to figure out a balance on this? And I felt like I was getting pretty close on the ol’ balance of self versus others? And… when the pandemic hit, it was—natural! It was a natural instinct and natural choice… to… help our children through this. With more than we might have had in us to give. And… now we have to continue to give more. And if we’re not refilling ourselves, that makes it even harder. And like you said—and like so many people are experiencing right now—how the hell are we supposed to refill ourselves— [Laughs.] And get into any kind of state where we have more stability in order to help others?
biz
And I don’t know. I don’t know! And I wish I did. You’re remarkable and you’re doing a good job. You are still a self. You are still there. You may need to put stickies on the bathroom mirror telling yourself that you’re a self? Reminding yourself of things that you like to do? Like, I just went and bought candles. Took the gamble. Took the risk. [Laughs.] And hoping that they smelled like something I enjoy smelling. Because this house stinks and that makes me sad. So I got something that I enjoy and is nice. And… that has helped a little. Right? So like, make a sticky list [through laughter] to put on the mirror! So every morning when you wake up and you go in you can be like, “Oh, I like music!” [Laughs.] “I’ll try and listen to some music today.” Or “Oh, I am a self. That’s enough. I am a self. I’ll hold onto that.” You… are incredible? And… you are showing up every day? And… I think you are… incredibly brave for facing the choices you had to make? No matter how difficult the choice was? And… like… Theresa always says, y’know, “We make the best choices we can in the moment. And then tomorrow we have an opportunity to make a different choice if we need to.” Mm-kay? You are doing such a good job.
biz
Alright, everybody. What did we learn today? We learned… that… this hasn’t gone away yet. And that’s unfortunate. [Laughs.] Oh my god! I think… I think what’s—what’s crazy is that, like… the absurdity of how much the virtual schooling and working parents and teachers and all of it is—it’s just like so absurd we’d rather look away? [Laughs.] Because… looking directly at it and trying to make a choice or a decision? About it? Is… like, impossible. Like, I don’t… I don’t—I don’t think I know a single person who’s like, “I know exactly what I’m doing.” [Laughs.] But it’s gonna be this. And I’m real happy about it. [Laughs.] So… I guess we’ve learned that we’re in this for the long haul. And I don’t care if you call it “acceptance” or “survival” or whatever. Blissful ignorance? Whatever you need to do—whatever mode you need to find for yourself to get through the next day? Is the right mode. Okay? We also learned that it’s still the Maximum Fun Drive. It’s the last week. This show’s gonna come out and you’ll have about two to three days to still join the Maximum Fun family and support One Bad Mother. I cannot thank you enough. This has been hard keeping the show going these last couple of months. I am so grateful and thankful to Hannah for helping and making that possible and your support allows us to continue to have Hannah? [Laughs.] Keep working with us? And I’m so grateful for the space you’ve given us for Theresa and I can’t wait to have Theresa back. And your support means that this show will still be here when she comes back. So again, go to MaximumFun.org/join to donate. And… I—thank you, thank you, thank you! [Laughs.] Everybody? You’re doing an amazing job. That’s really all there is to say. I see you. Every day is… up and down? And that’s how this goes? Y’know, with or without kids. Y’know? Like, none of us… are who we were when it started. Y’know. All of us now… have new anxieties and new fears and new concerns and the fact that we continue to have very little information that is useful for us to make decisions with? That makes this… all the harder. And a lot of us aren’t happy living in a state of not having information and being able [through laughter] to make decisions. So… just the fact that you’re showing up every day? You’re doing a remarkable job. And I will talk to you… next week. Bye!
music
“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics. _I got the lowdown momma blues_ Got the lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues The lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues Got the lowdown momma blues You know that’s right [Music fades somewhat, plays in background of dialogue.]
biz
We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Hannah Smith; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.
margaret
One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate. [Music continues for a while before fading out.]
speaker 2
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
Artist owned—
speaker 4
—Audience supported.
About the show
One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren’t all magical vessels!
Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing.
Call in your geniuses and fails: 206-350-9485. For booking and guest ideas, please email onebadmother@maximumfun.org. To keep up with One Bad Mother on social media, follow @onebadmothers on Twitter and Instagram.
Get in touch with the show
onebadmother@maximumfun.org
@OneBadMothers
@onebadmothers
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