TRANSCRIPT Ep. 325: Fantasy Island

Transcript

dan
									
On this episode we discuss—Fantasy Island!
stuart
									
[In his best Pirates of the Caribbean ride narrator voice] Ya best start believin’ in Fantasy Island, dear listeners! ‘Cause you’re in one! [Laughs.]
dan
									
You’re in an island? [Laughs.]
clip
									
Speaker: [Lengthy scream.]
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments, plus overlays of wolves howling, chains rattling, groans, and other eerie noises.
dan
									
Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flop House! I’m Dan McCoyyy!
stuart
									
I’m Stuart Wellingtonnn!
elliott
									
And this is Elliott Kalannn! Big energy!
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yup.
stuart
									
Wow!
dan
									
Hey—
stuart
									
What time of year is it, Dan?
dan
									
It is—I was gonna ask you! I looked at the calendar and lo and behold, Shocktober is here! It feels like it’s earlier every year. The time when we celebrate scares and spooks and thrills and chills… and kills. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh, wow. Well, we’ll find out.
elliott
									
And sometimes the early Star Wars screenplay draft, Journal of the Whills.
dan
									
Mm-hm. Yeah. It’s our horror movie themed month. Unlike the early years of The Flop House, which was [through laughter] every-other movie was a horror movie. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. Well, watch what ya know. That’s what they say, right?
elliott
									
Yeah. That’s exactly what they say.
stuart
									
Only partake in media that immediately fulfills your limited worldview, is what they say. Right?
elliott
									
That’s why the entirety of my entertainment is the CCTV feed inside my own house. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Wow.
dan
									
Sounds boring.
stuart
									
Would you file that—if you were stocking that movie in a Blockbuster video, where would you put it, Elliott?
elliott
									
Sometimes in Comedy. Sometimes in Adult.
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Oh, wow.
stuart
									
Yeah. I guess it can’t be comedy all the time, y’know.
elliott
									
Very rarely in Documentary, which is ironic.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Are you watching— Stuart: Uh-huh. That is weird.
dan
									
Are you watching the feed while it’s Adult? ‘Cause I would are you need to—you should probably be paying more attention to the matter at hand at that point.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Well, no. I’m a 21st Century millennial— Stuart: No, no, no.
elliott
									
I’m a 21st-century millennial so I live my life through screens. So I don’t actually know if I’m being intimate with another human unless I’m seeing it happen through a screen at the same time.
dan
									
That’s fair enough.
stuart
									
A very Patrick Bateman way of approaching life.
elliott
									
Yeah. Exactly. I saw American Psycho and I was like, “Yes. This guy understands!” [Dan laughs.] It’s not his body that is experiencing these things and matters; it’s the reflection of himself that other people can see that matters.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. And Huey Lewis and the News is great.
dan
									
Uh, fair enough.
elliott
									
Well this is where Patrick and I split ways.
dan
									
Alexa, play Huey Lewis and the News sports. That’s for you, Jesse. [Elliott laughs.] I realize that I only explained one half, which is what we do this month, but not overall. Which is that we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. Or, y’know, a presumed bad movie. We like to make up our own mind.
elliott
									
Yeah. We’re not sheeple. And so Shocktober is horror movies, right?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: And in this case—
stuart
									
—we watched a movie that was critically panned but financially quite successful. It was a hit.
dan
									
And I think it—like, this is—we watched Fantasy Island and I think it’s a Blumhouse release and I think it’s instructive, maybe, to say a few words about Blumhouse off the top because I feel like modern horror is kind of split into the Blumhouse thing? Or the A24 thing. And A24 is, y’know, mostly all prestige, all the time, slow-burn horror movies.
stuart
									
Yeah. Imagine a trailer with stark imagery. Dollhouses. Winter. Sparse strings accompany these images.
elliott
									
Heavy atmosphere. The “A” in A24 stands for atmosphere, and 24 is the amount of atmosphere.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. 24 hours a day. Elliott: Which is roughly equal—
elliott
									
—roughly equal to the surface of Venus.
crosstalk
									
Stuart and Dan: Yes.
dan
									
And Blumhouse Films, they sort of—they’ve become very successful. They started out with a couple of franchises that were hugely successful, like—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —Paranormal—Paranormal Activity. Elliott: KFC. Burger King.
dan
									
And The Purge were big for them. And these are movies that are sort of, like, a lot of their movies are based on a hook. And they’ve moved into more prestige-y horror—
elliott
									
But not the movie Hook.
dan
									
No, not the movie Hook.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Although that is a horror movie in many ways. Elliott: It’s not based on the movie Hook.
stuart
									
What about Candyman? Candyman has a hook!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Another hook-based horror movie! Dan: Candyman does have a hook.
elliott
									
What about Dr. Hook?
dan
									
“Doctor Hook”?
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Is that a—
stuart
									
Yeah. Musician Dr. Hook.
dan
									
Oh, okay. I’m not aware of—“The Hook” by Blues Traveler?
elliott
									
Yeah. Or the—it does bring you back. Anyway. Continue. Blumhouse is more the William Castle type, “Hey, we’re gonna have a crazy idea that gets you in the door.”
dan
									
Yeah. They’re more the fun. I mean, they’ve gotten into more prestige-y horror movies. Like, they released Get Out. But that’s also like a glossy horror movie that even though it’s taking on serious issues is more of like… you’re still gonna have like a fun ride watching it as well. And—
elliott
									
“Dan McCoy raves about Get Out: ‘A Fun Ride.’” [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Well, no. I don’t wanna be—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean, it kind of is! Elliott: Which is not to say—which is not to say it doesn’t hit all the horror and comedy beats. Yeah. “Check your brain at the door,” says Dan McCoy. Dan: I don’t wanna be misconstrued, but it is like—yeah. It is like both—it is— [Laughs.] It is both—as I said—
dan
									
—both dealing with serious issues and a fun, enjoyable movie to watch. And—but like, they do a lot of silly stuff. They did Happy Death Day, which I enjoyed a lot. But they also do like… dumb things. That are based on a hook. Like Truth or Dare, for instance, which we watched for Shocktober in the past. And now we watched Fantasy Island, which of course is—
elliott
									
Yeah, or Whiplash.
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] Yeah. Fantasy Island— Elliott: Which was also a Blumhouse production. Stuart: I feel like—
stuart
									
I feel like Blumhouse also—like, I don’t mean to—I haven’t checked all the budgets. But I feel like they have a tendency to do pretty small-budget movies with the hope of a big return. Like, horror as a genre generally has been that in the past. Right? Where you can make a movie fairly cheaply and if you get a hit you make a ton of money back. And I feel like that’s the Blumhouse model.
elliott
									
Horror has long-been probably the second-most profitable type of movie based on original investment. After pornography. Which is—but like—it’s been that way for, y’know, 70 years or so. And Blumhouse has been riding that wave.
dan
									
Yeah. And they do a pretty good job of it. And this is another high-concept horror movie from them wherein they take the, y’know, the ‘70s light fantasy of television drama Fantasy Island and they’ve turned it into a horror movie with a sinister twist.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Now, were you guys fans of the original television show that this is based on?
dan
									
I only know it culturally. Like, I know references to it.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I don’t know that I’ve ever— Stuart: Yep. Mm-hm. Elliott: See, Fantasy Island is a little before my time.
elliott
									
I was a baby when it ended. Or I was three years old when it ended. I’ve only ever seen one episode of it, which I saw I syndication, which involved—the only fantasies I remember from it are Don Adams—from Get Smart—was one of the guest stars.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And he had a fantasy of wanting to— Stuart: Not the cartoonist?
elliott
									
Not the cartoonist.
stuart
									
No, that’s Don Martin. Jesus Christ.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. That’s—not Don Martin. Not Mr. Floneblum. Stuart: Oh, I look like such an asshole! Ugh! Dan: [Laughs.] Ugh.
elliott
									
You should feel that way. [Dan laughs.] You should feel that way and I’m glad you feel that way right now.
stuart
									
Oh my god.
elliott
									
It was Don Adams—
stuart
									
But don’t edit it out. Leave it in. I need to feel this.
elliott
									
No, no, yeah. Stuart needs to take his lumps. I’ve been saying it for a long time—Stuart’s finally gonna get his when he gets his Dons mixed up. But—and it’s not Dawn’s the diner from my home town—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —that I used to go to as a kid and eventually closed down. Dan: No, but—yeah.
elliott
									
So Don Adams, his fantasy was to be a WWI pilot and he just walked through a door and was one. And it was kind of goofy? Like, that was supposed to be a goofy thing, ‘cause he’s Don Adams. And he’s like, “Whoa! Oh! Ah!” It was like kind of a run-through for Inspector Gadget in some ways. The other fantasy was that an old woman—who is played by a young woman in makeup and I don’t remember this guest star—‘cause the idea of Fantasy Island was that guest stars would show up as characters—
stuart
									
Yeah. Like The Love Boat.
elliott
									
—and magically live out their fantasies from a magic wishing well. Her fantasy was that she would be young again for a day so she could have sex again with a man. [Laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Oh, wow!
elliott
									
And it was so—I think they couched it in terms of like, “love.” But it was very clearly, like… she wants to be young again for a day so that she can be with men—as many men as possible in this day. And she does. They give her some kind of potion and the old-age makeup comes off and she’s just romancing dudes. Now the other thing I remember is Daffy Duck’s Fantasy Island.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yes. I remember that much better. Yeah. Elliott: The Looney Tunes repack movie. Stuart: Uh-huh.
stuart
									
And was that Daffy Duck’s fantasy as well? [Laughs.] To become young again and romance some dudes?
elliott
									
Yes. Exactly. It was Daffy Duck’s fantasy to be young—which is crazy, ‘cause he’s already a cartoon duck. He’s eternally young. And to finally get with Bugs. And it was pretty tender. The scene is very tender—
dan
									
[Through laughter] Okay.
elliott
									
—and the saddest part is when Bugs and Daffy are lying with each other in the afterglow, and Daffy realizes that he finally achieved his fantasy but that’s all it’s ever gonna be, and Bugs Bunny kind of disappears in his arms and Daffy runs into Bugs the next day at work and Bugs is like, “What’s wrong, Daffy?” And Daffy’s like, “I got my dream come true.” And it’s just like a bittersweet moment. So that was actually a very beautiful moment.
stuart
									
It’s weird. I never actually got that, y’know, vibe from those two guys? That they had feelings for each other? But I guess that’s a subtext that I just didn’t pick up on as a kid. I mean, that kind of shows you that sometimes—depending on how old you are—your life experiences, you experience things differently.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: So let’s talk about this movie— Elliott: Well, and it also depends on the Looney Tunes director.
elliott
									
In Friz Freleng’s cartoons, they were super straight. In Chuck Jones’s cartoons they were clearly into each other.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
So let’s talk about Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island, Stu!
stuart
									
Okay. So yeah. Let’s—I’m gonna be driving this car and in order to do that I need to pull up my notes. Now I do have to point out that when I pull up my notes, luckily it’s going to hide the Skype screen so I don’t have to be constantly distracted that Dan and Elliott [through laughter] re wearing the exact same t-shirt.
elliott
									
They are very similar—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —but they are not the exact same. Dan: They are similar. I would say—I’ve got a v-neck. His is a crew neck. Stuart: It’s exactly the same size and everything. So— Elliott: His is a v-neck—
dan
									
Elliott’s stripes are fatter. I’ve got like—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh, excuse me, sir? Dan: —thin white stripes. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yep. That is the two types of podcaster.
dan
									
Yeah. We both have blue and white horizontal stripes on.
elliott
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
So we open on an island resort where a woman is running in terror. She runs into the—what seems to be like the office of this island resort. She is frightened and she is worried that she has been abducted by some masked goons, and she picks up the phone and the person on the other end tries to reassure her, but then knows her name. So that’s, y’know, that sticks the knife in a little bit. Not literally, y’know. Figuratively. And the goons show up, drag her away, and we see on the desk a name placard, “Mr. Roarke.” Uh-ohhh! That’s Mr. Roarke from the TV show of the same name.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Mm-hm. Stuart: Played famously by Ricardo Montalb_á_n. What? Elliott: No. No.
elliott
									
The TV show Fantasy Island, you mean. The same name as the movie. Not the same—the TV show wasn’t called “Mr. Roarke.”
stuart
									
It wasn’t called Mr. Roarke? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
No. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
It could’ve been. And he was played by Ricardo Montalbán in the TV show, as you will see later. Not the movie. So later— [Elliott laughs.] —or earlier? We don’t know. It’s—
elliott
									
[Through laughter] I’m glad you pointed that out. That they didn’t reanimate Ricardo Montalbán for the film. [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah. So later or earlier, y’know, it’s not super clear. We are at this same island. It is daytime. A plane is arriving bearing—what is it—four? Five? Five attractive thirty-somethings? Who have won a VIP contest to be guests at Fantasy Island—that’s the official name—a mysterious island resort that is, y’know, is rumored about. Talked about on the internet where you can get—your wildest dreams can come true. The resort appears to be like a fairly normal, upscale island resort. It’s a little overstaffed. It’s a little overdecorated. But it also feels oddly— [Multiple people laugh.] —empty at times. Y’know, it’s that kind of—it’s going for that perfect sweet spot.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. I— [Laughs.] Elliott: I really like—keep reviewing it. Keep reviewing it, Stu. Stuart: [Inaudible.]
elliott
									
I wanna know your full review of the resort.
dan
									
How do the cocktails that they talk a lot about later look? What do you think about that?
stuart
									
They talk—I would say they look pretty delicious. I would imagine they’re overpriced, but it could be all-inclusive. They don’t really cover it. Since they won a contest to be here, so I’m guessing everything’s included.
crosstalk
									
Dan: It is—what—do they win a contest? Is that how it was explained? Elliott: I’ve gotta assume it’s all included.
dan
									
‘Cause I missed that part and then there’s like later revelations where I’m like, “Well how do these people know about Fantasy Island?” But we’ll—
stuart
									
Yeah. They won a contest. I’m guessing they—I’m sure they mentioned it at the beginning where they like, I don’t know, hit “like” on an Instagram or something and everybody—and then like a letter came in the mail or came in their inbox. I don’t know. I don’t know. Computer stuff.
elliott
									
It was the old “hit the monkey” pop-up ad.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. So we are introduced to our cast of characters. We have a pair of brothers who are also kind of bros, played by Ryan Hansen and Jimmy O. Yang. They are J.D. and Brax.
dan
									
Now you might recognize—now Ryan Hansen, of course, was Dick Casablancas on Veronica Mars. He was also in Party Down playing kind of a similar doofus. And Jimmy Yang is from Silicon Valley. Is probably where most people might know him.
stuart
									
Yeah. I think he’s a stand-up. And also the two of them played, like, business partners? In another movie recently. So I guess they’re just on a hot streak. They were in, what, Like a Boss I think was the movie?
elliott
									
Now what kind of name is “Brax”?
stuart
									
I—I don’t know.
elliott
									
They keep calling him “Brax” and I’m like, “So is he a G.I. Joe bad guy? Like, what’s going on? I don’t understand. I’ve never heard the name Brax before.”
dan
									
Well his brother keeps calling him “T,” which will turn out to be quite significant later on. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
It’s a real… mystery! [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. I think he calls him “T”—I mean, I don’t wanna spoil anything, but I also don’t remember the movie. I’m assuming he’s calling him “T” because he got that Liar, Liar disease where he can only tell the truth?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Mm-hm. “T” stands for “truth.” Stuart: We’ll find out if I’m right later on. Dan: Mm-hm.
stuart
									
Okay. So we also have—
elliott
									
Audience, listeners, write down your guess—why does he call him “T” in this Fantasy Island reboot? And you’ll find out in the middle of the show whether you’re right or not.
stuart
									
So we also have Melanie, played by resident Pretty Little Liar Lucy Hale. And she’s kind of like a damaged, mysterious young woman. We have Gwen, played by Maggie Q, who is kind of regretful and skeptical. And then we have Patrick, who is a cop who wants to be a soldier. Played by Austin Stowell or Sto-well.
elliott
									
Now this is—we have a couple of Flop House doubles here? This is—‘cause we did Live Free or Die Hard, right?
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Uh… Stuart: Maybe? Dan: Did we do that? I don’t think—no, we did A Good Day to Die Hard. Elliott: Oh, no, we did A Good Day to Die Hard.
elliott
									
Never mind. So she’s not a Flop House double. But the director of this movie did direct Truth or Dare.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Which I believe also had Lucy Hale in it. Stuart: Oh, cool.
dan
									
I’m not sure about that, but I think that she is in the Blumhouse stable. Yeah.
elliott
									
Yes. She was in it. So Lucy Hale and the director—Jeff Wadlow—I wonder if he’s related to Robert Wadlow, the tallest man in recorded history. 8”11-1/2” tall. [Dan laughs.] But I— [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I don’t have it in my notes! Elliott: But I don’t know.
stuart
									
So you could be right!
elliott
									
I’m gonna do some research on that. But there’s some Flop House repeats.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. So we get introduced to our gang, and then hiding off in the bushes—that’s right!—there’s an extra person on this island. That’s Michael Rooker. And I was like, “Hell, yeah! Michael Rooker’s in this!” He’s not in it much, though, so every scant Michael Rooker moment is a treat for you. Hold onto those. Clutch them close to your chest. [Dan laughs.] Now, the—
elliott
									
Everyone has a Michael Rooker moment.
stuart
									
Yeah. They talk a little bit about the island as they’re being, like, ushered around by island—by the resort staff. That the island supposedly promises—
elliott
									
Oh, hold on a second. Sorry. I hate to say it. We have another double, because—I forgot that Ryan Hansen is also in the Friday the 13th remake. Which we did on The Flop House.
stuart
									
Oh, cool. Okay. Well, that was worth the interruption. So— [All laugh.] The island promises a unique fantasy experience tailored to each guest. They are all immediately skeptical, particularly Gwen. And then she looks in a mirror and sees a ghost! [Elliott laughs.] So I guess that’s what her fantasy is.
elliott
									
I mean, if Hallie was on Fantasy Island then she would be like, “I did it! I saw a ghost! Time to go home!”
stuart
									
Yeah. Time to take that plane with the little inflatable things on the feet back home.
elliott
									
I think it’s just called a hydroplane.
stuart
									
That’s what—they’re not called “planes with inflatable feet”? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
[Laughs.] I don’t think they’re inflatable.
crosstalk
									
Dan: “The plane with inflatable feet.” Stuart: They’re not? Then how does it float, Elliott?
elliott
									
They’re just hollow.
stuart
									
What? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Like, not everything that floats is inflatable.
stuart
									
But is there air in there?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Is it like a— Elliott: Yes.
dan
									
A pontoon? Is that what it is? A pontoon.
elliott
									
Yeah. Let’s call it a pontoon. Yeah.
stuart
									
So yeah. I mean, we get these characters kind of sketched out. They talk about—they’re all, like, speculating as to how the island is going to achieve their fantasies. Somebody suggests LARPing and you know what? LARPing’s pretty cool, guys. I would have to say that in the last year or two—probably the two most rewarding gaming experience I’ve personally had were involved in LARPs. I mean, this was obviously pre-COVID, but man. Yeah. LARPing. All about it. Okay. So— [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
One other thing that we learn about this island—you don’t tip the waitstaff.
stuart
									
Yeah. You don’t tip the wait—I mean, that’s not that big of a surprise for an all-inclusive place, Elliott. I mean, I—it certainly isn’t worth mentioning in your review of Fantasy Island. Not the movie; I’m talking about the resort.
crosstalk
									
Dan: The place. Elliott: No. When I write it up on Yelp I’m gonna mention—
elliott
									
—that I was made to feel a little uncomfortable when the—when my attendant at the hotel—when my—what are they called? The guys who help you with your bag? When—carry the bags—
stuart
									
A bellhop?
elliott
									
Bellhop. Thank you. I mean, it’s—they didn’t really have a bell and they didn’t hop, so it’s not a great name. But when the bellhop said, “No, we don’t accept tips.” He said it with that kind of condescending, like, “Ugh. Don’t give me money.” And I was—I would’ve written up in a review I was offended by that.
dan
									
Okay. We just arrived on this island, guys. Let’s [through laughter] keep moving.
stuart
									
Sure. Yep. So the host—the guy who runs this place—Mr. Roarke shows up and at this point everybody is like, “Oh, man. Something bad happened in his office earlier!” That’s right! Now, Mr. Roarke is played by Michael Peña, a performer who normally has quite a bit of charisma. Here he has decided to forget it. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Wow. Wow.
stuart
									
It’s—no, I mean, it’s—Michael Peña’s a great actor, but I feel like they had him play it down? Which seems strange because—like—I mean, you’re inevitably gonna compare him to a performer like Ricardo Montalbán who—let’s—generally plays it fairly big? [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan and Elliott: Yeah.
elliott
									
Well, they’re telling him, I think, to play it mysterious. And Ricardo Montalbán was literally providing good fantasies to people so he didn’t have to pretend that he had secrets to hold onto.
stuart
									
That’s true. I mean, but even in those good fantasies, part of the whole idea of that show was that they would introduce—they would give you your fantasy and then you’d realize, “Oh, maybe that wasn’t what I wanted after all.”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yes. So you learn a lesson. Stuart: So there was kind of a dark side.
stuart
									
So it wasn’t, y’know, whatever. So Mr. Roarke shows up. Explains that they are going to experience their fantasy after a good night’s rest, but not so fast! And he takes J.D. and Brax off right away and takes them to a crazy party at like a separate beach house? That’s kind of like the MTV beach house. There’s like jet-ski stunts. And they kinda just enjoy this fantasy. Their fantasy seems to be about like being rich and famous and I don’t know the specifics—I can’t remember the specific—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —wording and I didn’t write it down. “To have it all.” Yep. Dan: They said that their fantasy was “to have it all.” And so I guess to have it all means they just have like a—
dan
									
—mansion with a pool with a bunch of attractive people around and they like smoke pot and there’s a DJ and stuff. And Drax—they make a point, like—
stuart
									
It’s Brax.
dan
									
Brax. Sorry.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Drax the Destroyer. [Laughs.] Elliott: Yeah. Drax is from another planet. Yeah.
dan
									
Brax—they—Brax is gay, which is reiterated several times. The main way that they like make this a thing is by just saying it a lot. Which is fine. Like, I don’t need him to like—
elliott
									
But it’s never, like—it’s never a punchline. Which surprised me. In a positive way.
dan
									
What I was gonna say is like, other than like… addressing it in like the most like straightforwardly obvious way? Like I kinda like these two characters and their relationship? Like, this very bro-y guy is—loves his brother so much. Is like totally accepting of him. They’re like best friends. And they just carry good vibes around them. They’re a little dumb. Their fantasy is a little basic. But they’re good guys!
stuart
									
But we also—over time, we learn that they have a difficult family life and that their parents have basically disowned Brax because of his sexuality and that deep down, there’s a feeling of—I think there’s a little bit of resentment that J.D. has that Brax is holding him back? Or I could be mixing up who’s being held back by whom? So there is as little bit of a dark side behind this glossy exterior.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
It’s also possible that they got the fantasy wrong, ‘cause if they said their fantasy is “to have it all,” maybe they just meant “a satisfying career and a fulfilling family life.”
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Mm-hm.
stuart
									
What’s that like, Elliott?
elliott
									
I’ll tell you when I get it. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh, cool. Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I will wait with bated breath. Dan: I think you need to watch a little movie—
dan
									
—called Baby Boom. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
I don’t want to watch a movie about exploding babies, Dan. [Dan laughs.] That sounds terrifying.
stuart
									
I, however, would sit in a movie theater right now, COVID be damned, to watch [through laughter] babies explode. [All laugh.]
dan
									
Wow.
stuart
									
Yeah. I would mask off and everything. I wanna experience the whole exploding baby experience. ‘Cause it’s gonna be 4D, right, Elliott?
elliott
									
I mean, it’s gotta be 4D. Because it has depth, width, and height and time. So yeah. It’s a 4D movie. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Perfect. So onto the next fantasy. Mr. Roarke interviews Gwen to get kind of a better understanding of her fantasy. She says she wants a do-over. She has regrets. She wishes she had a family. So what he offers her is he takes her back in time to a restaurant where she had been proposed to by her then-boyfriend Alan. And at the time she had turned him down. But this time, she can choose whether or not she wants a do-over. And she’s skeptical the whole time. And it is, like, this is the first time where the island actually gets like magical? ‘Cause they go through a doorway and then they’re immediately in a—I would say—what looks to be like a medium-expensive restaurant? [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Upper-mid-range. Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Dan: That’s what I would—and yeah. Stuart: Oh, yeah. Upper-mid-range. Yeah.
stuart
									
Not a greasy spoon. So she’s gonna have this fantasy. She talks to Alan. She realizes that she messed up and that she—this time, when he proposes to her, y’know it takes her a little while to accept that she’s—that this is actually happening and he’s not like an actor and that he wasn’t like tricked or whatever and that he’s the same age he was when he proposed to her years ago. I guess it was five years ago. And they—so she accepts his proposal. They’re very happy. And when she wakes up in the morning, not only is it five years later and Alan has aged exactly five years, but they also have a daughter. She has everything she wanted.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. Finally.
dan
									
There are a couple things I wanted to say about these—
elliott
									
She has it all! Her fantasy to “have it all” came true! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yep.
dan
									
[Through laughter] There are a couple things that I wanted to say about this. Number one, like—
stuart
									
Wouldn’t—
dan
									
Why, why, why? Number one, the thing is that this is one of those things in movies that happens a lot where everyone disbelieves?
elliott
									
Where a fantasy island makes someone’s dream come true?
dan
									
Yes. No, where everyone disbelieves the magic for a long time? And the thing is, like, if you were in that situation—
crosstalk
									
Stuart and Elliott: Yeah.
dan
									
—if you were in that situation you certainly would. You’d be like, “Okay, wait. I’m—there’s no way I’m back in time. This must be Alan. They flew him out.” They go through that whole thing. So you have to be kinda patient with that? But you as a moviegoer is like, “No, I’m coming to see fucking Fantasy Island. I know that this is a magic island. Let’s just get on with it.” And also, like, when she wakes up the second morning I’m like, “Okay. Well, this is great and all. I understand why they do this for plot reasons?” But she had to skip both the wedding and the [through laughter] birth of her child— [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: —in this leap forward in time. Stuart: Well, kinda. She—
stuart
									
—when she sees her—I think at one point she looks at her phone and then she like experiences all—she looks at her phone and there’s a whole bunch of pictures from all those experiences on there? But the weird thing is, as soon as she looks at a picture, we then get like a video flashback. And I’m like, “Is that a video on her phone?” [Dan laughs.] “Or is that going on in her brain?”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Like it’s implanting memories? Elliott: It must be a video on the phone—
elliott
									
—‘cause it has a filter on it that makes it look like it’s from the ‘70s. And that’s not when this is happening, so why would her memories look like that?
stuart
									
Is that Valencia?
elliott
									
It feels like it is a—it’s the old story of the memories kind of flooding into her mind in that moment. In that moment, she has always lived that life and so she’s remembering all of it. The same way that someone would tell you that since dinosaurs are just a trick to try to get us to not believe in the existence of God, that when God created the Earth he created a fake past for the Earth that had real fake dinosaurs in it, and so forth. It’s kinda like that. But it’s—
stuart
									
It’s kinda like how when we used to record episodes, I would get so drunk that I would listen to the episode and then I would have the memories of recording it [through laughter] would flood back into my brain. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] See, that happens to me now anyway. Like—without the booze, I’m like, “What? We said that?”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Whoopsies! Elliott: But this reminded me a lot of the—
elliott
									
—the end of Timecop? Where Timecop comes home and has a wife and child and he’s like, “Uhhh, I better learn this kid’s name quick.” [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean, I figured he’d just keep doing those jumping splits and people wouldn’t really worry about it. [All laugh.]
dan
									
To distract them?
stuart
									
Man, those fucking splits, man.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Look at those cheeks in those little shorts he’s wearing! Elliott: Or he just calls his kid, like—
elliott
									
He just calls his kid “chief” or “sport”—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Laughs.] Yeah. “Big guy.” Elliott: —and—and—
elliott
									
—and it’s like, “Do you know my name, Dad?” Jump split! Look at this! Hooo! And his wife is like, “Can you please keep your dirty feet off the kitchen counters? I know you can do those jump splits.” [Multiple people laugh.] And then finally it’s his son’s wedding day and he has to give the toast and he’s like, “To my wonderful son…” and he realizes at that moment he’s never known his son’s name and his son realizes it at that moment that his dad’s never known his name? And there’s only one thing he can do—is a jump split. Can he do it? It’s 20 years later! His child’s getting married! Can he pull it off? Let me tell you—he’s JCVD, so of course he can.
stuart
									
And you see that full realization on his son’s face. A son that is still—at this point in this bit—unnamed. A son who realizes his father doesn’t know his name and he goes through the full well of emotion until he realizes—his father’s just going to do jump splits now. [Elliott laughs.] And you know what? Goddammit, he wants to see those jump splits. He still wants his dad to win.
elliott
									
Sometimes all you can get from your dad—it can’t be love; it can’t be acknowledgment—but you can get jump splits. And sometimes, just sometimes, that’s enough. Hi! I’m Elliott Kalan for the Jump Split Council. [Dan laughs.] You know, most Americans go through their lives never witnessing a jump split in person. Or experiencing a jump split! Maybe—maybe—we can make a difference.
stuart
									
Now that we’ve talked about jump splits—although that has nothing to do with Gwen’s fantasy— [Multiple people laugh.] —we’re now onto Patrick’s fantasy. Patrick is a police officer whose fantasy has always been to be a soldier. He wears—
elliott
									
Which seems like a not-uncommon fantasy for police officers these days!
stuart
									
I knowww. Yeah.
elliott
									
A little on the nose, Fantasy Island!
stuart
									
Uh-huh. [Dan laughs.] So he—and he even wears a pair of dog tags around his neck. And he is taken away. He’s whisked away by Mr. Roarke and taken to the jungle, where he is given a pack of supplies and he gets to live out his fantasy of being a soldier. He is immediately accosted by a wild-haired Michael Rooker, who spouts some gibberish and then runs off— [Dan laughs.] —and you’re like, “Nooo! Come baaack!” [Multiple people laugh.] “Yontu!” [All laugh.]
stuart
									
And then—
elliott
									
“Henry!” [All laugh.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Exactly.
dan
									
“Guy from Slither!” [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yup. So he—
dan
									
Grant, I think. Grant was his name in Slither. Anyway. Let’s go on. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
He then gets picked up by a squad of soldiers who don’t seem to be playing around, and they—I guess—kidnap him? Capture him? And take him to another group of soldiers led by a lieutenant and that lieutenant, we find out, is his father. A father that died when he was very young.
dan
									
Mmm.
stuart
									
And there’s a lot of the two of them kind of—it takes ungodly long for the two of them to figure out this is what’s going on. He’s his son. It’s years later. His father died on this very specific mission in Venezuela. It took me a little while to figure out where they were going to be at. But—and still at this point, I don’t really understand. Are these all actors? Are they made out of like mud and the black oil that I’m going to talk about later? Like, I don’t know what’s going on. So he talks to his dad—
elliott
									
It’s a fantasy island, Stuart.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I—you’re right. You’re right. You’re right. Elliott: It’s an island with fantasies. Dan: Mm-hm. [Laughs.]
dan
									
An island with fantasies is a different thing. That’s like… that’s like that Pixar short, Lava or whatever, where the island is fantasizing about having a romantic partner. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
I guess you’re right. That’s the difference between a fantasy island and an island fantasy. Yeah. Yeah.
stuart
									
So Patrick at this point is starting to realize—there might be a dark side to being a soldier. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] So we’re going to move onto—
elliott
									
He’s like, “I shoulda gone to Temptation Island.” [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. We’re going to move on to our—the problem is, his temptation is also to go be a soldier because he’s a police officer. So—
elliott
									
So there’re all these couples trying to hook up with each other on Temptation Island and he’s like putting them in headlocks and like interrogating them and stuff? And they’re like, “Stop it! Stop!”
stuart
									
So we then move to our fourth fantasy, and that is Melanie? Who goes down an elevator—already you’re like, “What kind of fantasy is this?” And she goes down and she’s in like a control room and there’s—she finds behind the control—there’s like a mirrored glass and the lights come on and she sees her childhood tormentor—who we had learned in a previous bit of exposition—a childhood tormentor who had found her like letters she had written to her therapist and then published those letters Burn Book style all over the school, thus ruining her life?
dan
									
Well, close. Close. Close.
stuart
									
It was close?
dan
									
No. She—well—this bully had tormented her in a number of ways, including dumping toilet water on her during the prom. I’m not really sure how that was done. It seems like collecting toilet water to dump on someone is its own punishment. But then—
elliott
									
You take—Dan, you take a bucket. You take a ladle. You go from toilet to toilet. It’s not that difficult.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I don’t wanna put that much effort into it. [Laughs.] Stuart: I don’t know. I think you—
stuart
									
I think—well, you pay a plumber to redirect the waste pipes above a specific spot. You mark that spot with an X or maybe a—like, a picture of a toilet?
elliott
									
You gotta make sure that he puts a valve in there, too, so you can control the opening and closing of it so it only goes on the person you want it to go on.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Step two— Dan: But her—
elliott
									
Rigging the prom queen election. Now this is more difficult and the plumber is not gonna help you that much with it.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. You’re gonna need to get William Katt to help you do that. [Laughs.] Elliott: But the ladle will. Mm-hm. Stuart: Uh-huh.
dan
									
No. I—the other thing was, though, her therapist told her to write letters to her classmates telling them, like, what she wanted to say to them because she felt so isolated. And then these were found and posted. And like her—she also hated her therapist ‘cause like he was—I forget how he was bad. But he was also awful. And so.
elliott
									
She called him “Dr. Torture” for some reason.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. So she—so—
elliott
									
Unless that was just his name! Like Victor Von Doom! Maybe he was just Dr. Victor Torture!
stuart
									
So Melanie enters this control room. She—this is one of my favorite parts of the movie is when she pulls out her phone. She’s like gonna record this. She starts talking to her phone and in the middle of her narration, she then hits “record” on her phone. So was she recording before that, or did she just start her video late? Like, what the fuck are you doing? [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
That is listed on the “goofs” section of IMDB, I found.
stuart
									
Yeah. I rushed over there first so I could be like, “I must be the first person to have noticed this flub!” And then I was disappointed to find out I was not.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Late to the game. That’s me. Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Mm-hm.
dan
									
Also, later on, like… as we will see in the synopsis, like, she will be… y’know, like, running around with this bully? And the big tension is whether the bully will find out that she was the tormentor? And I felt for sure, like, “Oh, okay. She took that video. That has to be a plot point, right? Like, the bully’s going to see this video.” And the video does not figure into anything. So.
stuart
									
No. It just shows—it’s a way for people to connect with Melanie ‘cause they’re like, “I like making videos. I’m a tormentor.” But not the song by Skinny Puppy, which rules. So— [Elliott laughs.] —she immediately assumes that the—that this woman that is tied up behind glass, played by Portia Doubleday—I don’t remember her name. That she is a hologram?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: She keeps talking about a— Elliott: Uh, Sloane, I think, is her name.
stuart
									
Yeah. She keeps talking about how she’s a great hologram? Which I guess that’s—that feels like a leap. I mean, I would just assume that the whole glass was a screen, but.
dan
									
I mean, especially… after she does the first thing, which is push a button and dump some toilet water on her. ‘Cause the water would go right through a hologram. I don’t know.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I don’t know a lot about science? But I do know that—oh, it’s hologram? I see. Elliott: It might be hologram water, Dan. Dan, it’s hologram water. They can make hologram water now, yeah. ‘Cause do you remember there was that— Stuart: Hologram water. So she—yeah. So—
elliott
									
They mention a couple times the hologram of Tupac that appeared at—what, the Vatican? At the College of Cardinals? And they poured hologram toilet water on that hologram, also.
dan
									
Seems disrespectful.
stuart
									
So she decides to torture this hologram. She uses, like, electricity. There’s like shock things in the like little shockers in the armrests. There’s—she pours toilet water all over her.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. As mentioned.
stuart
									
And then she gets the opportunity to post a damning video on Sloane’s Facebook. And then she gets to watch Sloane’s husband watch this video of Sloane cheating? It’s pretty wild. And that’s’ when she realizes, you know what? Maybe getting revenge like this is not cool and this isn’t a hologram. Maybe my actions actually have consequences! So we’re really—this is really leaning in—this almost immediately goes into—this fantasy is actually bad. This fantasy’s a nightmare. And around then is when—
elliott
									
The movie takes a pretty harsh “fantasies of torturing people are bad” perspective.
dan
									
Stance. Yeah.
stuart
									
So the door in Sloane’s room bursts open and we see a guy—well, we see Dr. Torture show up. He’s like a doctor with his sleeves ripped off. He looks like the dude who runs around the stage at an Exhumed concert? [Elliott laughs.] And—
elliott
									
It was like an ‘80s WWF one-off character.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It is 100% an ‘80s WWF character. Elliott: Where they’re like, “Let’s try this guy.”
elliott
									
He’s Dr. Torture and he knows all of—he’s got an MD in pain. And they decided he doesn’t work. Never mind. Forget it. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. So—and it looks like he’s going to torture Sloane and the Melanie uses the previously-established shocking thing and water to electrocute Dr. Torture and incapacitate him for the time being, and then she breaks Sloane free. She comes up with a ruse that they are—she has been kidnapped as well. And just to remind everybody that Sloane was the woman who was running in terror at the very beginning of the movie. It took me a little while to figure that out.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Ohhh. Yeah. I— Stuart: I’m not smart.
dan
									
I immediately forget what happens in those, like, sort of… prelude scenes in this sort of movie? I’m not like particularly interested in puzzling together the complex web of Fantasy Island? I’m just like, “Uh, that’s not important. Someone was running.”
elliott
									
Yeah. The two pieces of this puzzle. You were like, “Ehh. Someone do this for me.”
stuart
									
It was like when we were watching Get Out together, Dan, and I leaned over and I’m like, “That’s the guy from the beginning! That’s Lakeith Stanfield! He’s very famous now!” [All laugh.]
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Okay. So. Now let’s see. Yeah. Now—so at this point, all the fantasies start to take a dark turn. Brax and J.D.? They’re hanging out at their beach house. Then all of a sudden, like, a bunch of mercenaries show up wearing masks and guns? And they start just blasting everybody. Mercenaries are led by Kim Coates from Sons of Anarchy. It’s nice to see him getting some work. And they get captured. They don’t—they had previously found an escape—what is it? Not an escape room. Although… y’know it kind of is an escape room. They find a panic room and they find a room with hidden weapons in their amazing villa. All their—the models that they were partying with go hide in the panic room but they get left outside. And they get—they start to get interrogated by these mercenaries and their friendship, I guess, is tested. Brax—go on.
dan
									
These mercenaries think that they’re like—they’ve hidden like money and drugs. Because they have it all because like this mansion is a drug mansion. At which point Audrey—who has an inexplicable-to-me love of the Brendan Frasier version of Bedazzled—was like, “They stole this from Bedazzled! Where he like wishes to eb rich!” And it turns out he’s rich because he’s a drug lord. Uh-ohhh!
stuart
									
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s the great cosmic scales, y’know. That’s how everything balances.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: If you want something, you’re taking something from someone else. Elliott: That’s the only way to do it. Dan: Mm-hm.
stuart
									
It is a zero-sum game in this world, Dan.
elliott
									
That’s capitalism. The—it’s—the—they’re saying, “This mansion belongs to a big drug lord. You must have killed him and stolen it.” And it just seems like a real loose reading of their fantasy. To have it go that way. Much like the Bedazzled wish. It seems like—Mr. Roarke—or the island, whoever makes the decisions—is really taking the grey area of that fantasy and filling it in with things that he knows they are not gonna be interested in.
dan
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: So one of the— Elliott: I also had a question about Sons of Anarchy.
elliott
									
I didn’t see that show, but did it end with the main character having a baby and then being like, “I guess I’m a dad of anarchy now.” [Dan laughs.] And putting his bike in the garage ‘cause he has responsibilities now?
stuart
									
Elliott… I mean, while family plays an incredibly large part in the Sons of Anarchy universe? That show has one of the dumbest endings of all time— [Multiple people laugh.] —it does feature, like, multiple slow versions of classic rock songs, some of which are sung by Married With Children alum—what’s her name?
dan
									
Katey Sagal.
elliott
									
Katey Sagal?
stuart
									
Thank you! Oh, wow. Wife of the showrunner Kurt Sutter. And it has… oh, god. I don’t wanna talk about it.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So it’s like, “And they’ll have fun, fun, fun, ‘til her daddy takes her T-Bird… awayyy.” Stuart: Yes. Exactly. And it like— Dan: [Morosely] Fun, fun, fun.
stuart
									
The whole show is kind of like the loosest—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —Hamlet? Elliott: [Singing] Incense and peppermint… [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, it’s like a Hamlet on bikes?
stuart
									
It’s like a Hamlet on bikes. Yeah.
elliott
									
Which I would see! They’re going around the steel Cage of Death on their bikes and they’re doing Hamlet? I’d watch that!
dan
									
Well that’s the beauty of live theatre. Y’know?
elliott
									
I guess that’s Beyond the Pines, now that I think about it.
dan
									
[Laughs.] Oh, kinda.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Place Beyond the Pines? Yep. Okay.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: So before we get back to these— Elliott: [Through laughter] That’s the beauty of live theatre, you said, Dan? [Laughs.] At any moment they could get on a bike and drive around! Dan: Yep. [Laughs.] Before we get back—
elliott
									
And only Rob Halford is really taking advantage of that aspect of live theatre, to be honest. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
[Laughs.] I feel like Meatloaf at his show. I think Charlene went and saw Bat Out of Hell: The Musical and I feel like there’s at least one motorcycle involved in that.
elliott
									
Okay. Okay. So they’re taking advantage of it, too. But Edward Albion, in his work, in his work never took advantage of the fact that the actors at any point could get on a motorcycle and just get into a steel Cage of Death and drive around. [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] That’s—I mean, that option’s available to us all. So I mean, when you get on the stage you got the lights hitting you in the face and you’re like, “You know what? Time to get in that steel Cage of Death.” [Dan laughs.] So before we get back to the individual fantasies, there’s a commonality between all of them that kind of signifies that there’s something dark going on. There’s like a constant sound of dripping? Or—and like this like kinda black liquid? And we keep seeing like a—this ghostly visitor that shows up that looks like a burned-up like zombie dude? Now… and that’s obviously—those are things that you would assume, not what somebody’s looking for when they want it all. Uh—
dan
									
And I wanna—I wanna just—
elliott
									
Mr. Roarke is like, “You said you want it all! And a burned-up zombie dude technically is one of the things in ‘all’!” “Ugh. I guess you’re right. Okay.” “You have chicken pox now! Technically part of the ‘all’!” Alright. Yeah. I have it all. “Oop—and a club foot!” “Okay. Yes. Thank you all.” “But you have $100.” “That’s it?” “Well, you have other dollars, too, but you also have $100. Part of ‘all’!” “Okay, great.” “Termites. Did I mention your house has termites? It all fits under ‘all.’” Like, “Thank you, Mr. Roarke.”
dan
									
So “all” for this fantasy is sort of like Katamari Damacy sort of situation where everything in the universe has been rolled up and you—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Exactly. And hand it to you as— Stuart: And your dad’s mean to you. [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
No, but I wanted to—I know, Stuart, that you are against jumping back, but I do wanna highlight something.
stuart
									
No, you can do it.
dan
									
That—
elliott
									
But pro kissing himself. Against jumping back but pro kissing himself.
dan
									
I wanted to highlight a thing that will become significant later. I don’t want to spoil any turns of the plot ahead of time—
stuart
									
Oh, you can.
dan
									
—but Melanie, when she’s setting up her room, has a framed photo of herself and a man that she has brought to the island, even though this is a time in history where people have photos on their phones. Don’t need to pack an entire framed photo to take out and put in your hotel room as if to say to the audience, “This is significant.” But I just wanted to mention it.
stuart
									
 You don’t do that when you go on vacation?
dan
									
Just—
stuart
									
Whenever I go on vacation, I always pull out my framed photo of me and you guys.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Aw. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. It’s like having us there. Yeah.
dan
									
I guess I pull out that framed photo of me and a guy in a Minions outfit and I put it up on the— [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
I pull out a framed photo, but it’s the photo that came with the frame. And I’m just like, “Who are these people? Time to find out.” That’s my fantasy.
dan
									
Yeah. “What’s their story?” [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah. So let’s get back to these fantasies. So Melanie and Sloane are running away from this torture doctor. He keeps jumping out. No matter how many times they blast him, he just keeps coming back. Everyone’s like—when they knock him down, like, black oil squirts out of his eyeballs and then Elliott shows up later.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh, they get rescued— Elliott: It’s just like the Chumbawamba song.
elliott
									
They knock him down; black oil squirts out of his eyeballs; he gets back up again. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh-huh. They get rescued by Michael Rooker. Michael Rooker helps them beat up the doctor—Dr. Torture—and they keep running away. He tries to explain the rules. They end up like—he takes them to a cave and like he is kind of not giving me the vibes of a person I would follow into a cave? But whatever. [Elliott laughs.] So he takes ‘em into a cave and it’s like—
elliott
									
So Stuart. Just to—so I know, in case I ever want you to get in a cave—what vibes would allow you to follow someone into a cave?
stuart
									
I mean… first off… I guess I want somebody who’s a good listener first? [Elliott laughs.] And not like—doesn’t just kinda steamroll over me in conversation? Somebody who kinda wants to know what’s going on with Stuart?
elliott
									
I see.
stuart
									
Other than that, like, obviously? I’d need to see his—like, I’d need to see his hands? ‘Cause like, fingernail care is a real good signifier of just general personal hygiene?
dan
									
Huh. I feel like that was a real leap down from like, y’know, “good listener” to “fingernail care.” [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
No, but that’s the thing, Dan! It’s a little thing but it shows a lot about a person’s just general hygiene and well-being, y’know?
dan
									
So for you it’s sort of like the rider where like… y’know, like, “No brown M&Ms” where if you see that that wasn’t done you know that something else—somewhere else has not been taken care of.
stuart
									
Yeah. That goes into the “uh-oh” column.
dan
									
Yeah. Alright.
stuart
									
And you get too many things in the “uh-oh” column and I spin around on my heels and walk away from the cave.
elliott
									
And what’s the other column called?
stuart
									
Uh, “Yes, please!” [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Only two columns! You only need those two!
stuart
									
So they go down in this cave. He takes them under some—like, they have to go through some water. Y’know. It’s got all the stuff. They see zombies some more. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
“All the stuff.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It’s what you would imagine inside a spooky cave. Yeah. They— Elliott: Yeah. There’s a Quizno’s. Everything. [Dan laughs.] Dan: Again, like, Katamari.
stuart
									
Eventually he takes them to what looks like a big room with a giant—like, a giant crystal wrapped in tree roots and it’s squirting out that black oil stuff. It totally looks like something that you would have to attack in a videogame to get to the next section of the thing, y’know? Like something that—I’m surprised it didn’t have a health bar when they walked into the room.
elliott
									
It’s a real Metroid boss. It’s like what you would find in Metroid.
stuart
									
He explains that this stone or crystal or whatever is powering everybody’s fantasies. There’s magic. He was a journalist or a private investigator who came to this island. Was trying ot investigate it, but he got his fantasy but he realized it was bad but he can’t leave. Because Roarke knows what’s going on, is in charge of the island, and they can’t leave. So they come up with a plan that the only thing they can do is to, like, take some of that oil, put it in a… which has properties that once you drink it your fantasies come true. I guess that’s the magic? That’s where the magic’s coming from? And—
elliott
									
That’s where the magic happens. Is in you, after you drink it.
stuart
									
So they luckily had a canteen. They fill that thing with that juice and they’re like, “We gotta get this off the island. That’s the plan, everybody.” Meanwhile—did I miss anything? Or did I get it 100% correct?
dan
									
Yeah. That’s it. For like future developments, have we gotten to the point yet—have we skimmed over the point where we learn that Mr. Roarke has a dead wife and that’s why he is on Fantasy Island? ‘Cause he wanted his wife to come back? And we don’t—like—no one, like, upon learning this asks to be like, “Oh, where is she?” Because then like that would ruin the surprise later on about what’s going on? But he is tied to the island ‘cause it’s one of those situations where if he leaves the island, his wife will be gone forever.
elliott
									
And so he’s taken the job of—
dan
									
Caretaker.
elliott
									
It seems like the island doesn’t really need him to take care of the island. I assume he’s just taking care of the island’s buildings, because the island seems to do what it’s doing without him?
dan
									
I mean, the island can’t get on the internet, Elliott, and advertise it to people out there.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: He’s got a point, Elliott. Elliott: That’s a good point. So you’re saying—
elliott
									
—that he has social media marketing and web skills? And that’s why—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, yeah. He’s like an ambassador to the— Stuart: Yup. Elliott: It’s one of those—
elliott
									
It’s one of those mysteries where they’re like, “Ah, the fantasy—my fantasy was to have my wife back. I won’t mention that there’s only one woman on the island, so if you’re an audience member you assume this is my wife. We’ll just not mention that at all.” But yeah, Stuart. You got it right. And so Stuart, the only thing I think—
stuart
									
Yeah, and that came out when he had a—like, a heart-to-heart with Gwen, who is kind of—like, I guess there’s this moment of like… she’s, y’know, even though she has it all—as we’ve already addressed—a husband. A child. She still like—
elliott
									
Snails. Measles. Matchbox cars. It has it all. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Matchbox 20.
elliott
									
Matchbox 20. The whole band. I mean, UB40. 311. Every band with a number in it. And also every band!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yep. They’re called “311.” [Laughs.] Elliott: The Beatles. The Rutles. Uh… all of ‘em. He’s got everything. Dan: The Turtles.
elliott
									
The Turtles. The Animals. The Birds. The Bengals. The Go-Go’s. Is there a band called The Spangles? If there is, she has it. [Dan laughs.] The Misfits. All of ‘em. The Jacksons. All of it. Yeah.
dan
									
The Cramps. No, sorry go—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: She has both the Lady A who was called Lady A first and the Lady A that was called Lady Antebellum— Stuart: So she has that conversation with Roarke—
elliott
									
—and then sued the person who was already called Lady A? [Dan laughs.] When they changed their name? Which is crazy. That you would do that.
dan
									
Alright.
elliott
									
She’s got all of Kurt Vonnegut’s novels. All of Joseph Heller’s novels. She’s got all of Thackeray’s novels. Everything.
dan
									
Stuart’s moved past looking frustrated to looking at his phone. So let’s— [through laughter] we should probably keep going.
stuart
									
So. We—yeah. So she had—Gwen is skeptical and she has a conversation with Roarke and Roarke’s like, basically explains, like, these fantasies are great but you have to stay on the island to enjoy them.
elliott
									
And Gwen, for some reason, feels like she doesn’t deserve this fantasy. A reason that we don’t know yet.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. So meanwhile, Patrick and his father have a long conversation. They come to grips with the time travel elements of what’s going on. His father’s like, “Well, if I’m gonna die on this specific mission that we’re on right now, fuck that. I’m gonna go home. I have a son I gotta take care of!” And Patrick’s like, “No, dude, you die being a hero. It’s very important to me [through laughter] that you die being a hero.”
elliott
									
This was the craziest turn of character. Where it was like—you’d think his fantasy is to be with his dad and save his dad? But his fantasy is to be there when his dad sacrifices his life so that he can keep being a hero for him. Which is nuts. There’s a lot going on there.
dan
									
Well, I mean that was his initial fantasy. But he—it’s one of those things where it’s like, “Oh, if you’re not here… your whole unit’s gonna die.” But there’s a simple solution for that, which is everyone leave. [Laughs.] Like, everyone get outta there.
elliott
									
It’s true. Since it’s not real, but yeah. Go ahead. I mean, and also they’re in some kind of secret mission in Venezuela to—are they explicitly saving hostages or is it something else?
stuart
									
Something like that, yeah. And specifically he knows his father dies jumping on a grenade which would’ve wiped out his whole squad. But instead just wipes out his body.
elliott
									
But it is silly for him to—it’s like if the Terminator went back in time just to like make sure everything happened exactly the way that it like— [Dan laughs.] Skynet’s gonna lose because of John Connor. But Skynet is very particular, so we need to make—so the Terminator’s just making sure John Connor doesn’t, like, break his leg. And like keeping him from going out, having fun with his friends on a trampoline and stuff like that. Like, “Terminator? Can I go bungie-jumping with my friends?” “No. Skynet needs you to stop it in the future.” It’s very weird to go back in time to make sure a thing happened.
dan
									
Y’know, I gotta say at a certain point I don’t know why Skynet is so worried about John Connor ‘cause they seem to rise every time, even—no matter what John Connor does. So. I mean, like, they should stop pouring resources into their anti-John Connor program. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] It is a real boondoggle, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Skynet—like all things—is a democracy. And they have a big Terminator factory in Kentucky, so Skynet’s senator from Kentucky is like, [with thick Southern accent] “Well, we gotta keep sending Terminators after John Connor, of course.” [Dan laughs.] “’Cause we gotta bring jobs to the robots here in the factory here in my home state of Skytucky!”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: They call it Skytucky. Very much so, yes. Dan: Now is this a robot with an accent? That’s what I—okay.
elliott
									
It is a robot with a southern accent. And he’s like, “Well, y’know us southern bots got a saying—ya gotta brings home the cotton if you want to be a robot.” And Skynet is like, “I don’t understand. That doesn’t make sense to me.” “Well yeah, it’s ‘cause you’re a Yankee AI.” All that stuff. It’s the same thing. Y’know. ‘Cause we build these things in our own image.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah. And his torso is a giant pork barrel? [Multiple people laugh.] Like a metal pork barrel, right? Oh!
elliott
									
Exactly. Because he’s from a political cartoon. And he’s always short-circuiting ‘cause he’s just pouring grits into his grill. [Dan laughs.] He doesn’t have a mouth really, so he’s just pouring them into his speaking grill. Y’know.
stuart
									
So they battle in the water. Patrick and his dad. Until they realize—you know what? Why don’t we just do the mission together and we’ll probably not get exploded by a grenade. And I’m like, “Oh wow. Maybe if we work together we’ll actually accomplish this.” So that’s cool.
elliott
									
I feel like that is kind of the ultimate dad fantasy? To be like fighting a war with your son and then everything’s okay at the end? Y’know?
dan
									
I also wanted to say, at this point in the movie, like, I assume that what the movie is doing… is that this is gonna be a horror movie in name and in some of the elements, but ultimately it is gonna be a movie where all of these fantasies, as scary as they are, are sort of like radical therapy that will help all these people. And it’s gonna be like one of those... rare but they do exist horror movies where the twist is, like, actually at the end everything is okay.
elliott
									
Like The Game, kind of. Which is not a horror movie, but you know what I mean.
stuart
									
Yeah. So. Now. Gwen—despite the rule being that you cannot have a second fantasy—manages to convince—I guess—a woman that we believe is Roarke’s number two? Or number one? But is actually his wife. It doesn’t matter. That twist doesn’t really matter, I don’t think. Roarke’s wife lets Gwen get a second fantasy. So she goes through the door she went through before. She goes back in time, we find out, and she’s in an apartment building that’s on fire. She bumps into all of our characters—J.D. and Brax are there. They’re running out of this burning building. She runs up to a cop, who is Patrick, and Patrick’s like, “Uhhh, we’re gonna wait for the fire department. We’re not gonna save the guy who’s trapped in the room.”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I mean, to be fair to Patrick, that probably is standard operating procedure? Stuart: Gwen runs—
elliott
									
Is for the one cop on the scene to not run into the burning building and not let the professional firefighters do it? But.
dan
									
But this is—to be clear—this is like specifically why a couple of the characters are regretful. Maggie Q is regretful she wasn’t able to save this guy, and because—
crosstalk
									
Dan and Elliott: —she started the fire—
dan
									
—on accident. And Patrick earlier was like—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And you know during the— Dan: “I had a chance”—hey! [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Patrick earlier had a chance to save— Elliott: Look. Dan. Dan. Dan.
elliott
									
I have a Billy Joel joke that I wanna say.
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
So when Billy Joel said that he and his band didn’t start the fire, we now know that’s true. Maggie Q did it.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, okay. Maggie Q did it. With her teakettle. Stuart: Oh, thank god. Oh my god. If that joke hadn’t been said— Elliott: But Dan, continue with what you were saying. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
If that joke hadn’t been said, Skynet would be in control a hundred years from now. And I know that because there’s a Terminator standing over me with a clipboard of jokes I have to say tonight to make sure Skynet gets defeated in the future and he was poking that one with a finger extra hard.
stuart
									
It’s like how Robert Howard claimed Conan would hover over him and make him write Conan stories.
dan
									
I wanted to make it clear that it wasn’t just her regret. She’s the one who seems to feel it most keenly? But Patrick earlier was like, “I had the chance to save someone and I didn’t.” And that’s also part of why his father’s heroism is so important to him, because he’s like, “Well, I wasn’t able to do it when it was my turn.”
stuart
									
We find out that all of our characters are connected through this one fire and death. We’ll later learn that Melanie was supposed to go on a date with the guy who died—a guy named Nick—and that they all—not only were they—they all feel like they are responsible in some way. Even J.D. and Brax were—what—roommates with this guy?
elliott
									
They were roommates and they thought he wasn’t home—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: They thought he wasn’t home. So it’s all—they’re all connected. Dan: Yeah. Mel— Elliott: So they didn’t go back to check on him.
dan
									
Melanie’s feels the most tenuous? I mean, there’s a reason for that that we’ll get to? But at first she’s just like, “I was supposed to go on a date with him and I chickened out” or something like that. And it’s like, “He was not supposed to be there that night.” I’m like, “Uh, I think you can let yourself off the hook for that one. [Through laughter] I don’t know if that—"
stuart
									
Yeah, that’s a weird one. Okay. So she tries to—but Gwen is back in time. She’s trying to save Nick. She’s trying to break down the door, but the smoke gets the best of her and she passes out. She’s later saved by—what is—is it Julia? What’s her name?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh, yeah. I think so. Stuart: Roarke’s wife?
elliott
									
Yeah, Julia.
stuart
									
Yeah. So all the fantasies start to intersect at this point. Somewhere in here, Michael Rooker tackles the torture doctor off the cliff and we’re like, “See ya later, sweet prince!” [Multiple people laugh.] That’s the line, right? That’s the line from Shakespeare?
elliott
									
Yeah, that’s what he says at the end of Hamlet. “See ya later, sweet prince.”
dan
									
Yeah. He’s a real Scatman Crothers character in this movie. [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah. So their fantasies all intersect. Patrick and his father’s team of soldiers show up at the villa where the mercenaries are. Brax manages to trick the mercenaries into letting him into the weapons room where he starts getting weapons and blasting everybody and he gets a grenade that he uses as a thermal detonator-type bargaining chip, and you see the grenade and you’re like, “But didn’t Patrick’s dad die from a grenade?” Well that—y’know, it doesn’t actually happen. [Elliott laughs.] Ryan Hansen has an epiphany where he’s like, “You know what? Our relationship—you don’t hold me back. I don’t know why I would ever think that.” And you’re like, “Oh great, that’s really gonna improve their relationship.” He then gets shot.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I do wanna— Stuart: Mercenaries are all zombies—what’s up?
dan
									
I do wanna—this grenade— [through laughter] I do wanna spend a little more time on it because this grenade deserves, like, cast billing in this movie? ‘Cause it gets taken around throughout the entire climax and there’s a lot of scenes here where someone has their hand on the grenade, like, the first time it happens is right here. Where someone has their hand on the grenade and… Brax?
crosstalk
									
Stuart and Elliott: Brax. Dan: Brax.
elliott
									
His name’s Brax. How are you—he is the only memorable name in the entire movie!
dan
									
Brax, like, as the person’s falling like catches the grenade from him to keep the dead man’s trigger or whatever from going off? And this grenade gets passed around like a real hot potato grenade. But it becomes—
elliott
									
I think you coulda just said “hot potato” there.
dan
									
Yeah. But—
stuart
									
But it’s also a hot potato that is a grenade, Elliott. [Multiple people laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I wanted to specify. I didn’t want the listeners, yeah, to be like, “Oh, is there really a hot potato in this movie—” Stuart: Dan had to be really clear. He didn’t want people to get confused that they were passing food around. Elliott: To be confused—
dan
									
“—that like is gonna burn people’s hands?”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: “Is this the beginning of The Tin Drum?” Elliott: “Now I gotta see this film!” [Laughs.] [All laugh; Stuart at length.]
elliott
									
Stuart, as always, laughing at his memories of The Tin Drum. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Okay. So. Yeah. So all the mercenaries, they get smoked and then they get back up as zombie dudes with black juice squirting out of their eyeballs. There’s at least one kind of cool effect where the guy’s lying on his back and his eyes fill up with the black juice and then they like break through the front of the eyes like the eyes are glass? That was kinda cool. I’ll give it to you, movie. They—so Melanie and Sloane are like, “Hey. We know a way that we can get off the island.” Even though our cellphones don’t work, she was able to contact—she was able to talk briefly with Sloane’s husband after she posted that video? [Laughs.] So they go back to the torture room and they call him and they’re like, “Look, don’t worry about all that stuff. We’ll deal with it later. But I need you to call a guy with a plane.” [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: So a guy with a plane is coming. Elliott: Well, and they got the—
elliott
									
They got the number for the plane from Michael Rooker.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. They have a big reconciliation. Stuart: Yeah. It was his dying wish.
dan
									
Like it’s one of those scenes where she’s talking to her husband, reconciling with him and apologizing, and it’s really directed at Melanie in the room being like, “Oh, I’m sorry I bullied you.”
elliott
									
And this is the strangest thing about this movie to me, is that Sloane—who is not one of the original main cast characters—is the one who gets the cathartic life-changing speech and eventually—spoiler alert—becomes the hero? And it’s just a very strange choice to me to have it be this character who is set up as an accessory to one of the main characters. But she gets that emotional moment.
stuart
									
Yeah. And she—yeah. So at this point they start to float the idea that—they realize that they’re all connected through the death of this guy, Nick. And they start to float the idea that maybe they’re not living their fantasies after all. That maybe they’re stuck in someone else’s fantasies. And they start to assume that the woman that we later find out is Roarke’s wife might be the mother of Nick, the guy who died. And that her fantasy is for them all to suffer and die.
dan
									
Yeah. It’s that moment in a movie where everyone suddenly makes giant logical leaps because the screenplay needs them to.
stuart
									
It is a very giant logical leap. And it’s—
elliott
									
It’s right up there with the scene in Batman ‘66 where they’re— [Dan laughs.] —figuring out that all the Batman villains are involved based on the phrases they have introduced to the conversation.
stuart
									
Is that the Vincent Gallo movie?
elliott
									
Nope. Not—yeah, yeah. [Dan laughs.] Batman ‘66 is the one where Batman gets out of jail and he kidnaps a woman and then takes her to his parents’ house. And Ben Gazzara is his dad. But where Batman’s like, “Huh, there was a shark attached to my leg. It was pulling my leg—like a joke! The Joker’s involved! Ah, it’s all such some huge riddle—the Riddler!” Where it’s that kind of logic. Where they’re like, “Here’s an idea I’m introducing. Let’s just treat it as fact now.”
dan
									
[Through laughter] It’s like he’s Dirk Gently all of a sudden. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. So they run to the beach hoping that their plane is going to arrive. The plane comes flying in and then totally gets blasted out of the sky by a missile. And you know what? That was pretty great. [Multiple people laugh.] Then they run into the jungle, avoiding the mercenary zombies. They figure out that mystery that I just explained. They go back to the cave ‘cause they’re like, “Let’s fuck up this magic rock.” Of course they get to the cave. They all get separated. They’re all haunted at this point by their demons. Snakes. Hands. Double versions of themselves. Those mercenary guys. Patrick’s dad shows back up and he has to battle him in the water again. It’s like, “Is that in your contract? Multiple water battles?” And then we find out—then we get the big twist, guys. The big twist is that Melanie is actually the one whose fantasy was to kill them all. She was in love with Nick and it was the worst moment in her life and she also wanted to kill Sloane ‘cause Sloane made her feel bad. And so she wanted to kill them all. And she like—it really feels like Lucy Hale is like, wants to have her Skeet Ulrich, [through laughter] Matthew Lillard end of Scream moment? But I don’t know if she’s got the chops. I mean, those two guys—oh, what a performance! [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
I don’t think this is an acting issue. I think this is the fact that we saw her by herself panicking and trying to figure out what to do and being scared? So it feels more like Lucy Hale, in the middle of the shot, was like, “This movie doesn’t make sense. I have to explain it. I’m gonna make up a reason why this is happening that’s stronger than the one the movie is suggesting.” And I think she pulled that off. If that’s the case.
dan
									
If this is her fantasy, yes. We see her many times, when she is alone, acting as if she is in danger. And also—it is an interesting turn because like, okay. I mean, number one, she went on like one date [through laughter] with this guy before he died. So… y’know.
stuart
									
They had a real connection dude! Maybe he cleaned his fucking fingernails!
dan
									
She’s hanging onto a lot. She’s hanging onto high school. She’s hanging onto this one date.
elliott
									
And listened. And even more important, listened to him.
dan
									
But also, the movie at this point has the weirdest message ‘cause like, this woman bullied Lucy Hale, calling her like a psycho stalker and then it’s like, “Oh, actually, she is like evil and wants to murder people.” Like it’s like this pro-bullying message. It’s like, “Oh, I was [through laughter] right to bully you.”
elliott
									
I don’t know if it’s so much a pro-bullying message as an anti-reaching-out-to-people-who-are-different-than-you message.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. Dan: Yeah. It is—whatever it is— Elliott: It’s not saying you should bully them—
elliott
									
—but it is saying you should keep them at a distance. Which is still not a great message.
dan
									
No.
stuart
									
So we have a showdown in the chamber of the giant crystal.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Melanie has her army of zombies— Elliott: What a great—
elliott
									
Stuart, what a great chapter title for the serial about—that stars you as an adventurer. “Showdown in the Chamber of the Giant Crystal.” [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean, I don’t know if I would say—I usually don’t refer to the different parts of my bowl of cereal as “chapters,” but— [Dan laughs.] —it would make sense. [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Each spoonful. Each spoonful is a chapter in the story of you. Stuart: ‘Cause the end feels like a real climax, right? Where you’re trying to get—yeah.
stuart
									
So Roarke shows up, too, and he basically is like, “I can’t help you guys. It’s the rules of the island, dudes!” And then he wanders off and he talks to his ghost wife and then his wedding ring turns into smoke and floats away and then he’s like, “I can help them!” So he shows up. He reminds them that Sloane is the only person who hasn’t drunk the black oil ‘cause she hasn’t had a fantasy yet. So she drinks it and then her fantasy, of course, is that Nick shows up out of the water. He does like a Jason Voorhees at the end of the first _Friday the 13th—spoiler alert— [Elliott laughs.]_ —and yanks Melanie down into the water-oil and she drowns and you’re like, “Okay, the nightmare’s over.” Not so fast! She gets one final scare. She jumps out of the water with a grenade, throws a grenade at ‘em. And you’re like, “Always with the grenades!” So Patrick then launches himself onto the grenade and he gets smoked. The end.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. He gets his wish to be a hero— Elliott: Yeah. That was Chekhov’s grenade.
elliott
									
—just like his dad. Yeah. This grenade got thrown into the water earlier without the pin pulled. And that’s what I mean. This [through laughter] grenade just keeps getting passed around from person to person. [Elliott laughs.] [Through laughter] Like, they’re like—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —we gotta figure out a way to get this grenade to our climax— Stuart: Yeah. I’m sure— [Laughs.] [inaudible]
dan
									
—so Patrick can jump on it.
elliott
									
Now here’s the part that makes this a good link from Simon Conjurer, our previous episode. Which is—they all wake up the next morning. And the people who died are still dead.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yes. Stuart: Yep.
elliott
									
It’s like “It was all a dream! Except for the deaths. Those happened.”
dan
									
And a link to Simon Conjurer ‘cause it’s like—‘cause the magic has—the people who are alive, the magic has, y’know, like fixed them to some degree. At least they can move on from a lot of what has been problems in their lives.
elliott
									
Yeah. Now they have the new trauma of their experience on Fantasy Island—
dan
									
[Through laughter] True! True.
elliott
									
—that has overwritten the old trauma that they need to deal with. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. So at this point, the—I guess the island is going to continue on. They didn’t blow up the crystal, obviously. The surviving people all wanna leave. And then we see a familiar face piloting that boat with inflatable feet— [Dan laughs.] —or the plane with inflatable feet— [Elliott laughs.] —that’s right! J.D. is alive, piloting the airplane.
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] I don’t know that he’s piloting it. I think he was just in the front seat. But it’s— Elliott: I think he was sitting up front, but I don’t think he was the pilot. Stuart: Ah—well maybe—maybe we didn’t see it.
stuart
									
But I bet when that plane gets in the air, he’s like, “Can I take the stick?” And the other guy’s like—other guy or girl? I don’t remember.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Was like, “Yeah, take it, dude.” He’s like, “Okay! I’ll fly!” Dan: Significantly, though—he’s there— Elliott: He’s like, “Hey, you do have it all! ‘Cause flying is part of all!”
dan
									
He’s there alive, though, because Brax is like—I will stay here on the island in return for him being alive again. Much like Mr. Roarke had to stay on the island to keep his wife alive.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Except that Mr.— Dan: And this is the sacrifice he’s making—
dan
									
—and it also like plays into the whole, like, “Oh, these two brothers are too close. They need to separate.” Like, this is a thing that’s happening. I don’t even know why Mr. Roarke is still the caretaker of this island, though— [Elliott laughs.] —because the only reason he was there was because of his wife. Keeping her alive. Like, it seems like he’s like—well—it should be like, “See ya! I’m off this hell island now!”
elliott
									
I mean, at a certain point, the wife fantasy just became an excuse for staying on the island, I think. It was really he wanted to be on that island. I think—it’s weird here that the rules suddenly seem to change ‘cause it’s like, previously you come to Fantasy Island. You have a fantasy. And everyone turns into evil zombies and tries to kill you. And now his fantasy is for his brother to be alive and go back home. So is he sending an evil zombie of his brother out to kill their parents? [Dan laughs.] Is that like—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —how is this fantasy leaving the island? I don’t understand! Stuart: But I think the idea is that—
stuart
									
I think his brother’s gonna be on the plane, and so that is going to play into a later thing where he is going to stay on the island, be excited every time the plane shows up. And his brother’s going to be there every time he sees him. Which is in a way, kinda ties in my earlier thing where I was doing a reference to the Pirates of the Caribbean, since that series, at the end of the third movie, features a similar setup where somebody is cursed to stay on a boat all the time and occasionally visit Keira Knightly. So let’s get to this final moment, okay, guys? We have a movie based on a popular TV show. And yet we are missing an integral character—the most popular character—or one of the most memorable characters from the original show—that’s right—is Tattoo. But Tattoo has not shown up in this whole movie. Now, Brax has decided he’s going to stay on the island. And Mr. Roarke is like, “Well, you can’t have a name like Brax. You gotta take up a cool island resort name!”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Just like when I go on vacation and I get my hair braided? Elliott: Which also doesn’t—which— [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
And I get a cool nickname for that whole time. So.
elliott
									
If ever there was a cool island vacation nickname, it is “Brax.” So I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t know.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. I feel like he’s worried that Brax is too cool of a name. And if a guest was showing up to the island they were introduced to a person named Brax, they’re like, “Is my fantasy to battle this guy?” [Elliott laughs.] So he’s like, “Okay. We gotta give you a new name.” And he’s like, “Well, I had this silly nickname back in college.” And you’re like, “Okay. This was mentioned earlier. Let’s get this nickname. Why was he called ‘T’ back in college?” He pulls off his shirt and we see the word “Tattoo” is tattooed on his chest. T-A-T-T-O-O.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And that is the name of the popular character. Dan: Yeah. ‘Cause he’d done it for like a—
dan
									
—a dare to get the dumbest tattoo. And then I guess the dumbest tattoo is just a tattoo of the word “Tattoo,” is the idea. Not the dumbest.
stuart
									
I’m gonna tell you right now—head over to the Instagram account Snake_Pit and you’re gonna see much dumber tattoos. [Elliott laughs.]_
dan
									
Uh, I warn you—content alert!
stuart
									
Not. Safe. For. Work.
dan
									
No. No. [Laughs.] A lot of very sexually-explicit tattoos. But yeah. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
I’m not familiar with this feed and I love that both of you guys are. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Well—Stuart recommended it to Audrey, and Audrey is shocked every time it comes up in her feed. I’m like, “Well you can delete it.” And she’s like, “Well, no, it’s interesting.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Well you don’t delete it. You don’t want to mess up their follower count. Dan: “It’s funny.”
dan
									
Just mute it!
stuart
									
Yeah. Anyway. [Laughs.] But yeah. No. He’s Tattoo, which was foreshadowed earlier by him running across when the plane was coming going, “The plane! The plane!”
crosstalk
									
Dan: When they thought the plane was gonna res—yeah. Elliott: I mean, it’s foreshadowed also by this being a Fantasy Island remake.
dan
									
That as well.
stuart
									
So yeah. It ends, literally, with like the origin of the popular character Tattoo. Which is what everybody was waiting for. So you walk outta that theater on a high note.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It’s so great. Dan: Yeah. You’re like, “So that’s how it happened.” Elliott: Wow. Guys.
elliott
									
Guys, I’m looking at these pictures now and you’re right—that is a good content warning to give to people. [All laugh.]
dan
									
Oh, boy. So.
elliott
									
It really—it makes me question my imagination as a comedian that I’m like, “Well, I could never think up anything as crazy as these tattoos.” [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. The craziest ones are the ones that you see and you’re like, “Wow, that’s actually pretty great.” [Laughs.]
dan
									
“Great” in the sense that the artwork is very accurate, I would say. Not necessarily— [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh, yeah. Some of those, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. There is one that’s like a drawing of Casper the Friendly Ghost but with like a giant boner? [Multiple people laugh.] And it’s followed by multiple reflections of the same image? And I’m like—“I’m haunted by the thought of this!” [All laugh.] It’s like the end of that Alan Moore Providence comic.
dan
									
Okay. Well this is the part where we give Final Judgments. And of course we have our special Shocktober categories.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Oh, I forgot about these. Ugh. Stuart: That’s, baffle— [through laughter] baffle—my cohosts every time. Was this movie totally scare-ifying, was it totally snore-ifying, or was it frightfully funny? [Laughs.] Guys?
elliott
									
Now is it “Frightfully funny” or “Frighteningly funny?”
dan
									
I think it’s “frightfully.” I prefer frightfully. Let’s go with frightfully.
stuart
									
Yeah. Let’s do what Dan prefers.
dan
									
Now— [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.] Look, it happens so, so infrequently.
stuart
									
I know. I’m just giving ya the business.
dan
									
Let’s see. Well—here’s where [through laughter] those categories fall apart completely and I return to our normal categories. Guys, I gotta admit, I kind of—
elliott
									
[Laughs.] I love, Dan, that you introduced those categories. [Someone applauds slowly.] No one was asking for them. [Dan laughs.] Just to immediately discard them. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
I mean, people, I think like the—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] And then specify that he prefers one one way and then getting rid of it. [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I like to do it because— Stuart: [Through laughter] That’s great. Elliott: It’s like you ordered a prix fixe meal at a restaurant.
elliott
									
Were very specific about how you wanted the sauce on the side. And then when it arrived you threw it away and said, “Give me a hamburger.” [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
I think people enjoy the confusion that they feel from you guys when I introduce it, but I gotta say—this movie is certainly not totally scare-ifying. Like, this movie is an utter failure as a horror movie. There’s nothing frightening [through laughter] about anything that happens in this movie. But I have to admit, I sort of enjoyed it while I was watching it. Now, it totally falls apart if you give it any examination at all? Like, the plot makes no sense? But it—a lot of stuff is always happening. The basic premise is, y’know, pretty fun. Like, the movie certainly could lose at least twenty minutes. This movie’s almost two hours. It should be a tight 90 if not, like, 82. But… I don’t know. When we were watching it, Audrey’s like, “I dunno. This is fine? Like, I’d give it 2-1/2 stars?” And I grinned and then I just handed her my phone where I had just put on Letterboxd “It’s fine.” And rated it [through laughter] 2-1/2 stars. So that’s what I—if you want something to fall asleep to, Fantasy Island.
elliott
									
Yeah. It’s a movie that is real—relatively easy. Goes down easy filler. And so, yeah. I didn’t—it’s not my sort of thing, really? But there were some jokes in the movie that I thought were funny. It’s not like I was “LOL”-ing at them, but I certainly imagined myself LOL-ing them. And so— [Dan laughs.] —it is—I would say it is… yeah. If we’re going on the old scale? It is… none of them. For me? [Dan laughs.] But if we’re going on the new scale, it’s somewhere between “snoreifying” and “funny,” but it’s neither of those. So I guess what I’m saying is I reject both scales.
stuart
									
Yeah. I like that Elliott made a big deal about Dan changing it up and then [through laughter] threw Dan’s ratings away. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
This podcast is nothing if not, like, a slow lesson to all of us about how it’s impossible to shove art into categories. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Well especially these categories.
stuart
									
Yeah. Like why try and ascribe a numerical value on the quality of art? Just talk about it, man! It’s meant to be experienced! Speaking of which— [Dan laughs.] —I would probably say it’s in-between snoreifying and frighteningly funny. There’s some really dumb moments and just the whole structure of the third act just doesn’t make any sense, ever. And it feels like it’s just thrown together by somebody who has a short attention span and is just trying to, I dunno, like, surprise people, I guess? I don’t know. But yeah. Whatever.
elliott
									
Yeah. There are worse things that you could watch at a slumber party when you are 13 or 14.
stuart
									
Perfect. Perfect. You’re at a slumber party. The best you can do is a PG-13 movie? I dunno. Put this on. Unless you’re gonna watch Drag Me to Hell, which is the infinitely better option.
elliott
									
Oh yeah. 100%—or, like, Alien. You could watch that, too.
stuart
									
Is Alien PG-13?
elliott
									
It might as well be. It’s pretty great.
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] What is that—oh, I see. Elliott: I give it 13/10. Yeah. PG-13: Pretty Great, 13/10. Yeah. Stuart: Is that your quantifying of PG-13 is “pretty great”?
elliott
									
And “R” stands for “Rehhhh” sometimes.
dan
									
Oh, I thought it stood for “Rrradical.”
elliott
									
It depends on what movie it is, really. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
That’s true.
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
promo
									
[Cheering crowd.] Danielle Radford: Mmmacho man, to the top rope! [Thump!] Danielle: The flying elbow! The cover! [Crowd cheering swells.] Speaker 2: [Distant; impact on each word] One! Two! Three! [Ding ding ding!] Danielle:: We've got a new champion! Music: Excited, sweeping music. Lindsey Kelk: We're here with Macho Man Randy Savage after his big win to become the new world champion! What are you gonna do now, Mach?! Hal Lublin: [Randy Savage impression] I'm gonna go listen to the newest episode of the Tights and Fights podcast, oh yeah! Lindsey: Tell us more about this podcast! Hal: [Continuing impression] It's the podcast of power, too sweet to be sour! Funky like a monkey! Woke discussions, man! And jokes about wrestlers' fashion choices, myself excluded! Yeahh! Lindsey: I can't wait to listen! Hal: [Continuing impression] Neither can I! You can find it Saturdays on Maximum Fun! Oh yeahhh! Dig it! [Music fades out.]
promo
									
Music: Fun, cheerful, soft music. Benjamin Partridge: If you’re looking for a new comedy podcast, why not try The Beef And Dairy Network? It won Best Comedy at the British Podcast Awards in 2017 and 2018. Also, I— [Audio suddenly slows and cuts off.] Speaker 1: There were no horses in this country until the mid to late sixties. Speaker 2: Specialist Bovine Arsefat— Speaker 3: Both of his eyes are squids' eyes. Speaker 4: Yogurt buffet. Speaker 5: She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life. Speaker 6: Farm-raised snow leopard. [Strange electronic audio.] [Beginning audio returns] Benjamin: Download it today. That’s the Beef And Dairy Network podcast, from MaximumFun.org. Also, maybe start at episode one. Or weirdly, episode thirty-six, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show.
dan
									
Okay, guys. Well, it’s time to move on to the next section of our show. We don’t have any businesses sponsoring us today? Well, at least not in a—
elliott
									
Oh wait, Dan—wait—before we do—I apologize. One thing that says in the IMDB trivia that might’ve changed our mind—apparently, Fantasy Island, they wanted Nicolas Cage to play Mr. Roarke, it says here. But he turned down the role. So that might’ve changed things around in this movie.
dan
									
I can’t believe—number one—that we didn’t mention that before. ‘Cause I saw the same thing. And number two, that Nicolas Cage turned down a role. But let’s move on. Like I was saying, no companies are sponsoring us—well, that’s not true.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Jumbotron companies are companies. Elliott: This episode.
dan
									
In and of themselves. But we’ve only got Jumbotrons. So, Elliott, as you [through laughter] are the only one here currently, could you do the Jumbotron that I sent you?
elliott
									
Because when I said, “Oh wait, one more thing,” that was Stuart’s cue to leave. [Dan laughs.] [Through laughter] So I will now do my Jumbotron. “For decades, Roger Ebert wrote a regular column to create his own, definitive list of the great movies. And foster a love of cinema from all over the world. Roger’s List is the podcast where Steve Guntli and a rotate—” Or Guntli? “—and a rotating cast of cohosts are setting out to watch each and every one of them, from The Godfather to Groundhog Day.” It’s just the G movies, I guess. That’s just me interjecting. You kind of wanna do an A movie and a Z movie. “From beloved staples to underground curios, Steve and his guests are watching them all. Check out the funny, insightful, and informative Roger’s List podcast today. Subscribe to Roger’s List on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts!” That does sound like an interesting podcast, and I think I’m gonna try it.
dan
									
Stuart, and you also have a Jumbotron.
stuart
									
Okay. Let me just pull it up. Let me read this one. ‘K. This message is for Elliott Kalan and Stuart Wellington. Okay. It’s from Binge Listener. Okay, Binge Listener. Odd name, but that’s fine. “Dear Flopperinos, long time and binge listener. One thing I’ve noticed is that it seems like picking on Dan has reached a cruel phase as of late? I have spent money to ask that you stop bullying Dan so much on the podcast. It makes me sad and I want to be happy listening to you.” Well.
dan
									
I mean, there’s a real loophole that has been opened up there, which means that you can bully me off the podcast. So yeah.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Which, I mean, I guess that—you do bring up a good point. I mean, this is clearly a critique of our performance on the podcast ‘cause I think it—I mean, I like to think that we are separate people. Y’know, we’re performers and we’re also—we have a private life where we’re all very close friends. And the show gives us kind of a safe space to try and make each other laugh and perform and I feel like Dan as a performer is very good at being kind of the heel sometimes? So that— [Dan laughs.] —that leads to—
dan
									
Is “heel” accurate so much as maybe I’m more of a Bob Newhart sort of character where I get a lot of abuse and I—
elliott
									
Yeah. I was gonna say “doofus.” More like the doofus who like kinda messes things up and then we make fun of him. Which is not nice. Which is not nice on our part. But.
stuart
									
But I feel like—at least for me—part of the joke is that [through laughter] I’m a dumb asshole. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Look. Let’s address this. Let’s make it clear. These two are much, much, much, much nicer to me off air. They’re both real sweethearts. I mean, other than the times that we all get sort of irritated at one another—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Well, that’s the thing. The listeners should know that you are much meaner off-air! Dan: In the way that—
dan
									
That’s true! [Stuart laughs.] That’s true! No, I come across as sort of an affable person if quick to anger, but no. No. [Elliott laughs.] No, I—the thing is, y’know, the strife mostly only comes out off-air in the sense that any three friends who now, essentially, run a business together might get annoyed at one another. But other than that, on a personal level, we’re all very close. Just to reassure you.
elliott
									
I think I will say, listener, I hear your critique. I don’t fully agree with it. It’s a critique I’ve been hit with before, and I feel like the abuse we give to Dan sometimes goes too far. Often not far enough. [Multiple people laugh.] But to explain my true feelings—which I hope come through more often and which I’ll try to have come more often—I’ll quote something that my older son Sammy said to me today, where he said, “I love Dan.” So—
dan
									
Aww!
elliott
									
There’s a lot of love for Dan in my heart and in my house.
dan
									
Aww!
elliott
									
And I know Stuart feels the same way. And so we will try to be more loving with him on the podcast.
dan
									
No. No one wants to hear that. No one. But—
elliott
									
No, no, Dan. From now on we’re only going to tell you how great you are and how handsome you are.
stuart
									
I can’t say that because my voice automatically always sounds sarcastic? [Elliott laughs.] So even if I’m speaking from my heart, people are like, “Aw, man! Stuart’s winding everybody up again!”
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Laughs.] Classic Stuart. Stuart: Which does not work well when I’m at the bar—
stuart
									
—and I’m like, trying to get a drunk guy to leave calmly? [Elliott laughs.] They’re like, “Why is this tall, handsome guy being mean to me? I wanna punch him!” And I’m like, “Don’t punch me! That’s my moneymaker!” [Dan laughs.] I’m talking about the cash register I carry around with myself at all times.
elliott
									
That you hold in front of your face all the time. I do like this new precedent that if anyone wants to criticize us they have to pay us to do it. So thank you, Binge Listener, for setting that up.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Let’s keep that going! [Elliott laughs.] Do not Tweet it at any of us. Instead, yeah. Pay a fee to have the critique happen on air. [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
At this point I seem to use Twitter almost exclusively as a way to interact with my mom. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
I did like when you and your mom were telling each other what was being cooked at your house.
stuart
									
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wellington updates, babyyy!
dan
									
Oh yeah, how did the chili turn out, Stuart? I felt bad that I couldn’t have any.
crosstalk
									
Dan: How was the chili? The photo looks good! Stuart: Yeah. I went to all the effort to make a delicious chili—
stuart
									
—and I posted pictures on social media ‘cause I was hoping I would coax Dan out of his hole and come to my home. I had seen Dan posting pictures—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —of his lovely walks around— Dan: Well, not your home. It was at Hinterlands.
dan
									
I’m not gonna come to your home during the pandemic. Let’s make it clear.
elliott
									
I like—just wanna point out that I like that Dan took issue with the idea that Stuart was at home, but not with the idea that Dan lives in a hole. [Multiple people laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean, hobbits live in holes, too, Elliott. Elliott: That was not what was taken issue with. Dan: Yeah.
stuart
									
So I had seen Dan posting pictures from Prospect Park so I knew he was out and about sometimes, and so I made chili at Hinterlands. It was a special. I put a lotta love and a little bit of heat. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Uh-huh.
stuart
									
Into that chili. And it turned out really good. It was very spicy. I would say yesterday was close to like a four-alarm? But today it’s a little bit closer to like a two. Two-alarm.
dan
									
Well I will say—and look. As I’ve grown older, I’m not embarrassed to share these things with people. I was not out and about yesterday because I was at home pooping a lot. And so chili would not have been the thing for me at that point. So yeah. I apologize that my intestines [through laughter] prevented me from enjoying your cooking.
stuart
									
I’ll save some for a day when you are not pooping a lot.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I would love that! Well, good. Stuart: Just make sure to let me know. I mean—
stuart
									
—we probably can’t schedule that in advance because you never know.
elliott
									
Okay. Now the plaintiff and the defendant have stated their case. Now I, Judge Kalan, on Chili Court, will go into my chambers and figure out who’s gonna win this case. Hmm. Hmm. My chambers, of course, being the bathroom. I’m out! Okay, that was fast. And guys? I’ve made my decision. I’m going to issue a write of habeas poopus— [Multiple people laugh.] —and declare in favor of Dan.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I appreciate it. Elliott: So Stuart, I’m sorry.
elliott
									
You lost this one in Chili Court. But feel free to bring any more of your chili arguments to Chili Court. The one televised court where we only deal with chili.
stuart
									
Y’know, that’s the thing. Like, it’s good enough that I get to play, y’know. Thanks for having me. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
It’s always a pleasure.
dan
									
Now, Elliott, I believe you had a piece of personal promotion and one for the show. You can feel free to do them in whatever order you feel most comfortable with.
elliott
									
Let’s start with the one for the show. Hey, everybody, in case you weren’t paying attention to previous episodes, we’re going to be doing another live episode for charity! That’s right! On the Flop House YouTube page on October 24th—one week before [spookily] Halloweeeen! At 9PM Eastern/6PM Pacific, we’ll be talking and maybe rocking about the movie Exorcist II: The Heretic. A lot of people enjoyed our Howard the Duck show. This is gonna be just like that. It’s gonna be the exact experience of a Flop House live show in your living room or wherever your computer is. Take it into the bathroom with you. I don’t care.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s on the YouTube page. We can’t see you. Stuart: Yeah. You can watch it on your phone, too.
elliott
									
Yeah. Watch it on your phone in the bathroom. Or, y’know, bring the TV in. Maybe you have a tablet. Just take it on the toilet— [Dan laughs.] —and enjoy the show.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s gonna be at the Flop House YouTube page—we’re gonna— Dan: You can watch on any sort of item, but you must be on the toilet. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
That’s the rule. Ironically, it’s not our rule. That’s what the director, Jon Boorman, stipulated about The Exorcist II: The Heretic. [Dan laughs.] That it must be watched on the toilet. And so that’s gonna be October 24th, one week before Halloween. We’re gonna do presentations. We’ll talk about the movie. We’ll take some listener questions over Twitter. And we’re gonna be doing it again for charity—for a list of charities that will be up on the Flop House website. So that’s that! On October 24th. Here’s an announcement now that’s not for charity, but very much for my own personal profit. I have a new book out. It’s a children’s book called Sharko and Hippo. It is a Marx Brothers-inspired children’s berk—book. It’s not a children’s berk. That’s not a thing that exists. It’s a children’s book. It’s got pictures by the wonderful Andrea Tsurumi, and that is out in stores or for order online now. Please support your local bookstore and get a copy of Sharko and Hippo.
dan
									
Elliott, I’m going and I am ordering Sharko and Hippo as we speak.
stuart
									
Oh, cool. Walk us through that process. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Well, I mean, it’s pretty much done by now. I did not—
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Okay. So. Thank you.
dan
									
I did not buy Horse Meets Dog, I have to admit, but the combination of you and a Marx Brothers-themed—or -inspired—children’s book has inspired me to get Horse— [through laughter] Not Horse Meets Dog. That’s your old one. Get that one, too! Sharko and Hippo.
elliott
									
I mean, go buy Horse Meets Dog. If you haven’t bought Horse Meets Dog—the one I did with Tim Miller—please buy that, too. That one’s also hilarious. But this one’s hilarious, too. It’s kid-tested, me-approved. My kids love it and I think yours will, too. Maybe if you’re an adult, you will too. It’s called Sharko and Hippo.
dan
									
I would like to correct myself. I have bought Horse Meets Dog for others. As a childless person myself, [through laughter] I did not buy it. But this one is for me. Sharko and Hippo.
elliott
									
But you’ve been looking for more bait for your windowless van— [Dan laughs.] —and you think Sharko and Hippo might be the book.
dan
									
Ugh. Don’t. Please don’t. [Elliott laughs.] Okay, so—
elliott
									
Dan, what’s the next segment of the show?
dan
									
The next segment is Letters from Listeners. Like you. The listeners. [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.] It’s a little redundant? But— [Elliott laughs.] —we can’t change it now. Amos, last name withheld, writes this—
stuart
									
“Be nicer to Dan.” [All laugh.] “Be nicer to Dan.” [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I make it so hard. Elliott: Stuart, only—
elliott
									
Only the hard things are worth doing. We gotta remember that.
stuart
									
[Laughs.] I feel like he’s leaning into it, Elliott.
dan
									
Yeah. Okay. Amos, last name withheld, writes: “As a ‘90s kid, I grew up with some early 2000s films that I used to love but in retrospect were abysmal. For example, as a child I laughed at every stupid joke in the Steve Martin Pink Panther reboot, the Leslie Nielsen Mr. Magoo movie, and most bewilderingly of all, even Old Dogs. I can only look back at my childhood in disbelief and wonder why I re-watched those terrible movies countless times. So, Floppers. My question is—are there any bad movies that were staples of your childhood that you would now ‘flop’ on the podcast? Keep on flopping in the free world! Amos, last name withheld.” My brother John insists that I loved the Water Babies movie when I was a kid? The cartoon? I maintain—
elliott
									
[Singing] Water babies! They make your dreams come true!
dan
									
I maintain that—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Still singing] Water babies! But not in a scary Fantasy Island way! Stuart: What did you do? Dan: No. No.
elliott
									
[Still singing] If you want to have your dream but you don’t want it to turn into zombies—
dan
									
Oh, god.
elliott
									
—don’t go to Fantasy Island! Instead, hang out with the water babies! Water, water, water, water bay-bay-babies! Etcetera.
dan
									
Uh, so as I was saying. I maintain that—
elliott
									
Wait. Jordan, leave a pause there for the applause from the listeners at home.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Yeah. Longer pause. Longer pause. More applause. Okay. Thank you.
dan
									
I maintain that I was just a five-year-old who would watch any cartoon in front of me. But later on, there are—like, in the dumb comedy realm of this, I remember watching like some John Candy things that like, y’know, John Candy. Always charming. Not often in the movies best served by the material given to him. So I would watch, y’know, like, Who’s Harry Crumb— [Elliott laughs.] —which I’m sure would not bring me much joy these days. I remember thinking that Delirious actually had some pretty funny stuff. I wonder if it would hold up. But that was another one I would see a lot. What do you guys have?
elliott
									
I mean, when I was a kid I watched a lot of movies that I still love. Gremlins 2. The Stars Warses and stuff like that. But we also—in my house we watched Teen Wolf a lot and we’ve talked about Teen Wolf on the podcast? But that is very—that’s one probably for us to keep in mind, actually, for a future special show. ‘Cause that is—there’s a lot to dig into about that dumb movie. And it is... it’s so dumb. And every—I’m sure there’s stuff I’m forgetting about it that’s dumb. But we used to watch it constantly ‘cause it was my sister’s favorite movie.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. I mean… I don’t know. I watched all your normal stuff. My wife and I have been re-watching—not re-watching. We’ve been watching for the first time the television show Cobra Kai? So it made me think about how many times I watched the Karate Kid movies. And how I never really considered the trauma that would be inflicted in you even if you win the karate tournament the bullying, y’know, it stays with you. Y’know? But I don’t know. Like you guys were saying. For a while the movie I was most excited about and couldn’t stop thinking about was Second Sight with John Larikat and Bronson Pinchot? [All laugh.] Like, I would just think of the movie poster and I’d be—it’d sweep me away into a new world of imagination. And, y’know, movies like that. I think my brother’s favorite movie was Ski Patrol? So I watched Ski Patrol a lot. And by my brother’s—I mean, yeah, it was my brother’s favorite. It was in my top five, probably. And having re-watched that recently, after our Howard the Duck live show, you know what? It’s still good. Nothing wrong with that movie.
dan
									
I think that there are a lot of movies, probably, with like big comedy stars of that era that I would like give a shot even though—and keep watching? Even though they were not good? Just because… of who was in it? Like, I remember watching Loose Cannons with Dan Ayckroyd and Gene Hackman and it’s like, this is an awful, awful movie. But.
elliott
									
I feel like I saw Armed and Dangerous like every-other week when I was a kid. Somehow. Or like The Toy. And I never liked them.
dan
									
Brewster’s Millions I saw over and over again ‘cause it was always on WGN and I’m like, it was just good enough. Just good enough, but not any better. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. I watched that recently because I didn’t remember it at all, and Charlene was like, “You don’t remember Brewster’s Millions?” So we watched Brewster’s Millions. I feel like the thing is—and we’ve talked about this probably quite a bit—but like a lot of the movies I watched a lot that I consider to be kinda bad? Part of the reason why I think they’re kinda bad is because of things that I wouldn’t really wanna joke about on a podcast? I dunno, like, Sixteen Candles or Revenge of the Nerds or some shit.
elliott
									
Well, there’s movies with problematic stuff, too. That of course when you’re a kid—
stuart
									
That’s what I mean.
elliott
									
—in the ‘80s, you don’t fully notice. But there are other movies where it’s like… like, Baby: Legend of the Lost Dinosaur or something, where I’m sure there’s both problematic aspects and if I watched it now I’d be like, “What is this.” [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: How did I watch this over and over? Stuart: Taking that VHS cassette home—
stuart
									
—I was so fucking excited that I was gonna see a fucking dinosaur.
elliott
									
Yeah. Yeah.
stuart
									
The VHS tape I rented from the grocery store ‘cause that’s where you got VHS tapes. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Mm-hm. Along with Tammy and the T-Rex and Theodore Rex. You’re like, all three of ‘em together.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Stack of tapes.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. This triple feature.
dan
									
This next one’s from Connor, last name withheld, who writes—
elliott
									
John Connor! From the future!
stuart
									
Oh, wow.
dan
									
“Dear Peaches, I was wondering if you guys had any favorite foreign rip-off cinema. For example, Turkish Star Wars, Indian Superman, etcetera, you might be able to pass along. Yours in flop, Connor, last name withheld.” Just this last year I watched Lady Terminator from Indonesia, which was a lot of fun. And it’s a movie that takes the basic outline of The Terminator for its, like, maybe second and third acts? But the first act is all about, like, the setup is different? There’s this ancient sex goddess, like, snake goddess who gets a curse on her? Like, it’s a very different kind of feel. It’s a lot more mystical. But it’s a very entertaining movie.
stuart
									
That wasn’t in the original Terminator?
dan
									
[Through laughter] No. [Elliott laughs.] It’s extremely entertaining. That’s a fun one. Anyone else have anything, or not?
elliott
									
I don’t know. I mean, I am a fan of Turkish Star Wars. It gets kind of dull after a while, but the first ten minutes or so that is pretty fun, like, nonsense. And I love the fact that the backgrounds they’re using for the space fight scenes is just footage from Star Wars? So you’ll see the battle footage from Star Wars in the background or, like, spaceships flying through spaceships and things like that? But yeah. I don’t know. I wonder if there’s any off the top of my head I can think up.
stuart
									
Yeah. I actually don’t have a lot of experience with this stuff. I feel like it’s a pretty big staple of, like, bad movie culture? That I… that was never really part of my schooling.
dan
									
I mean, I will—I will acknowledge that there is perhaps an icky side to, like, the idea of like, “Well, okay, these other cultures have done this bad version of a Hollywood blockbuster” and laughing at that? But I also—and I understand, like, that part of it I don’t care for? But sometimes you watch these movies and it’s like, y’know, Be Kind Rewind where you’re watching these Hollywood-style movies done in this handmade way that makes them a lot more charming? And then people throwing in elements from local culture to, y’know, make it their own. That’s a lot of fun.
stuart
									
Yeah. There’s some joy of cinema there.
dan
									
Yeah. So those are the letters for this episode. And there’s one last thing we need to do before signing off for this Flop House, and that is make recommendations of movies that you may wanna watch instead of Fantasy Island. Let’s just say that. It’s Shocktober, so I’m going to recommend a movie that—it was recommended previously, but way back by Paul Sabourin as a guest. None of us said anything about it in particular, and that is Train to Busan, which I finally got around to watching. I sort of put it off because—I will be honest with you guys—I am kind of zombie’d out. Used to be my favorite of the major horror monsters; now I’m like, ugh, can we just stop with the zombies? But it is a very kinetic—
elliott
									
That is a great title for a zombie movie, though. Is Can We Just Stop With the Zombies? [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
That is like the attitude of the like nerdy brother from The Mummy franchise by the time they get to the third Mummy movie. [Elliott laughs.] He’s like, “Ugh. Stop with the mummies!”
elliott
									
You’ve talked about his character arc, right? From “I don’t believe in mummies; I’m scared of mummies; I’m tired of mummies.”
dan
									
It— [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.] Well, Train to Busan is a Korean horror movie and it shares with—oddly enough—Snowpiercer the being trapped on a train element and the sort of class undercurrent? The metaphor of the movie? But very different. It’s very much an action horror movie with, like, just wanting to supply you with thrills. And it won me over. Like I said. Too many zombies in my life before this movie. Not sure I need to see a lot more zombie movies unless they bring something new to the table. But this one… Audrey told me I had to recommend it because she could hear me from the other room yelling at the screen at different points? Like, “No! Why? Don’t! Stop! No!”
elliott
									
Oh yeah. It’s like a really well-made movie and there are a bunch of great sequences where you’re like, “No, no, no, no, no! Don’t do that! Don’t do that!” And the production values are astonishing.
dan
									
Yes. So—
elliott
									
It looks amazing. Y’know.
dan
									
So if you’re looking for like a fun horror movie this season, that’s a good one.
stuart
									
Yeah. Yeah. That’s—it’s high energy. I’m gonna recommend a horror movie. This is a smaller horror movie. I’m gonna recommend Bliss, which you can watch on Shudder. It was written and directed by Joe Begos—Beegos? —who recently did a movie called VFW. It’s this little micro-budget movie about an artist who is having a little bit of artist’s block, and she gets deeper and deeper into her drug addiction and she encounters a drug that basically turns her into a bloodthirsty maniac. But at the same time, it’s—even though she’s coping with—struggling with what she is doing, it’s also fueling her art. So it kind of—y’know, it’s kind of a silly movie and some of the performances are wonderfully stiff. I think there’s an honesty to the way it presents addiction and art and partying and it’s pretty fun.
elliott
									
I’m gonna recommend—since I had a movie to recommend that I’m going to change my recommendation, ‘cause I forgot I should have a horror movie recommendation. So stay tuned for a different movie on a different episode! But I’m gonna recommend a movie that I thought I’d recommend before, but I guess I hadn’t! And that’s The Others, starring Nicole Kidman—
stuart
									
Oh, wow.
elliott
									
—which is a great horror movie for people who don’t like horror movies. I really like it a lot. I remember seeing it in the theaters when it came out in 2001 and really being, like, swept away by it? Y’know? And a few years ago on Halloween, I really didn’t wanna watch a horror movie. My wife is not a big horror movie fan. She does not like to be scared. And we watched this and she really liked it a lot. And so if you happen to be in that situation—let’s say you have a partner who is not into scary movies—then The Others is a real spooky, old-fashioned ghost story to watch and Nicole Kidman’s great in it and the movie looks beautiful. And I will recommend it.
dan
									
Sounds great.
stuart
									
Yeah. That’s a great one. I feel like that’s a movie that has appreciation for—like, people liked it when it first came out. It may have even been nominated for some stuff. But I feel like it is kind of a lowkey, like… I guess, like, foundational horror movie. I mean, it’s just one of those things where its esteem has grown over—like, quietly grown over time.
elliott
									
I think it’s a very non-flashy horror movie in a lot of ways? And yeah. It pulls off the fundamentals of a very old-fashioned type of ghost story very well. And Nicole Kidman’s performance in it is fantastic. And like, it’s a movie that like, when it first came out I remember being disappointed that it kind of came and went? Kind of disappeared? But according to Wikipedia it made $200 million at the box office worldwide, so I guess it didn’t disappear that much. But—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s one worth—it’s one worth seeking out. Dan: No, I remember it being a minor hit. Especially because—
dan
									
—like, a slow-burn ghost story was not a thing that was, y’know, like, so big at the time. Like I feel like we’ve actually gotten more into that kind of horror being a thing again recently.
elliott
									
Well it was like you were talking about those A24 movies, and The Others kind of feels like a little bit of a—
stuart
									
A precursor to that.
elliott
									
Yeah. It’s a link between, like, an old older movie like The Haunting and those current kind of A24—Atmosphere 24 movies. Turn that atmosphere up to 24 with A24.
dan
									
Mm-hm. So that’s this show in the books. But fear not! Another Shocktober episode is coming right up. In a couple of weeks. So.
stuart
									
Two weeks!
dan
									
Two weeks, in fact. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
This show is released every two weeks, with mini episodes on the alternating weeks, and will continue to be like that.
dan
									
[Laughs.] Uh, okay. Well, thanks.
elliott
									
You might say it’s “spookily regularly scheduled.”
dan
									
Yep. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm. You could say that.
elliott
									
You might say it’s “frighteningly consistent in your podcast app feed.” [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Yep. Uh, okay guys. This room’s hot so let’s wrap it on up. Thank you to Jordan for editing this show. Thank you—
elliott
									
Jordan Kauwling, you mean?
dan
									
Yep. Thank you to you guys for being here. Thank you to me guys for being here.
stuart
									
Oh, thank you, Dan, for being you!
elliott
									
Yeah. Thanks, Dan, for always doing everything you do all the time.
dan
									
For The Flop House, I’ve been Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
I’ve been Stuart Wellington.
elliott
									
And I’m Elliott Kalan, saying—thanks for listening. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Bye!
stuart
									
Byeee!
clip
									
Speaker: [Extended clip of scream.]
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments, plus overlays of wolves howling, chains rattling, groans, and other eerie noises.
elliott
									
Now you may ask—did I think that maybe I should do a joke there where I kept going? And I did think that, and I decided, “Eh, let’s just end the episode.” [Music plays for a while before ending.]
music
									
A cheerful ukulele chord.
speaker 1
									
MaximumFun.org
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
—Audience supported.
About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.
Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.