TRANSCRIPT Ep. 326: Uninvited, with Gillian Flynn

Transcript

dan mccoy
									
On this episode of The Flop House, we discuss—Uninvited!
stuart wellington
									
[Dramatic, spooky voice] Another Shocktober platter of splatter for all you sicko freaks!
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments, plus overlays of wolves howling, chains rattling, groans, and other eerie noises.
dan
									
Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flop House! I’m Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
Hey, I’m Stuart Wellington!
elliott kalan
									
IIIIII’m… Elliott Kalan! Really revved up that time. Didn’t expect it.
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Mm-hm. And with us today, we have a very exciting guest. You know her from writing the books Sharp Objects, Dark Places, Gone Girl, and also adapting—I would say—the good versions of those? You know her from Utopia, her new show on Amazon. It’s Gillian Flynn is here!
crosstalk
									
Gillian Flynn: Hello! Thank you for having me! Dan: I’m so excited. [Laughs.] Yeah. Stuart: Hey, Gillian! Elliott: Thanks so much—
elliott
									
What? Huh?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I was just saying, hey Gillian, I—y’know, I’m very excited that you’re here? But I’m— Elliott: [Laughs.] Oh, I thought you said “Hey, Elliott” and I was like—
elliott
									
—I know. Stu. You know I’m here. But you said “Hey, Gillian,” not “Hey, Elliott.” So I apologize.
stuart
									
And I just wanna take—I think Dan deserves a little victory lap? ‘Cause that was a pretty good introduction there, buddy! [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Thank you. Well, y’know— Elliott: Certainly the best one we’ve done. Yeah.
dan
									
Elliott berated me for—he’s like, y’know, “Do it professional this time.” And I don’t wanna, y’know, point fingers at Elliott, but sometimes I have a professional [through laughter] introduction and Elliott is the third person who gets introduced before the guest? And he goes off on a long flight of fancy. [Laughs.] That confuses and dismays me. [Gillian laughs.]
elliott
									
You don’t have to join the flight of fancy. You can just let the plane take off and wait for it to land and then you can introduce the guest. I just—Dan, I always remind you just because of our notorious Joe Bob Briggs episode. [Dan laughs.] Where you left the guest flailing, not knowing whether he should start talking or if he was even there!
stuart
									
That was the episode where we discussed the Duran Duran song “Notorious,” right? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was our “Notorious” episode.
dan
									
Um… yeah. I would just like to remind our guest that she should feel free to interrupt— [Multiple people laugh.] —any of us at any time, ‘cause we tend to talk too much.
crosstalk
									
Gillian: I would—I would also like to say— Dan: But welcome.
gillian flynn
									
—that you may also know me—if you lived in Kansas City, Missouri in 1987, for dressing as a tuxedoed frozen yogurt and handing out yogurt samples. So that’s another bit of my work that I’d like to get in there. [Stuart laughs.] And 1987 also happens to be the year of the movie we’re discussing.
crosstalk
									
All: Ohhhh! Elliott: What a segue! Already more professional than us! [Laughs.] Dan: Coincidence. Stuart: Professional segue.
gillian
									
You’re welcome. You’re welcome.
elliott
									
Now I—not to get us off on a tangent, but what kind of yogurt place puts their yogurt in tuxedos?
gillian
									
Fancy one. A very fancy—super fancy, black tie yogurt place.
elliott
									
TCMFY, the country’s most formal yogurt?
gillian
									
It was the really—oh, yeah, it was the one with the really long name. The Country’s Best Frozen Yogurt or—yeah, TCBIY, I think.
crosstalk
									
Gillian: If I remember correctly. Dan: Now you wrote a thing for The New Yorker about this, I believe.
dan
									
And I would like to ask—
stuart
									
About frozen yogurt?
dan
									
Well, about wearing the costume, I think, it was mostly.
gillian
									
One of those, like, “What was your worst job—” or like, “Your craziest job?”
dan
									
Now how does one get The New Yorker to actually publish what you send to them? Do you have to be a bestselling writer? ‘Cause I haven’t done that part yet, but. [Laughs.] [Gillian laughs.]
gillian
									
If you have a previously crazy job, I think I was just part of the previously crazy job series. It was between that and my work—consistent work through high school and college as a ham display girl? [Multiple people laugh.] At Honey Baked Ham, in which case I would take—y’know, ‘cause customers get crazy about the spiral on the ham and so they want you to unwrap it so they can make sure the spiral looks spiraled and then re-wrap it. They don’t like that one; could I see a different spiral? So I always went through the holiday seasons with my fingers just absolutely duct-tape wrapped in bandages.
stuart
									
There’s a chapter in Uzumaki about spirals on hams, right? [All laugh.]
elliott
									
I would love it if in Uzumaki they wander into a grocery store. [Laughs.] And they’re just horrified by the spiral-cut hams. [Dan laughs.] Everywhere! Spirals everywhere! Even our beloved hams! [Multiple people laugh.]
gillian
									
Why?!
elliott
									
They open up an issue of X-Force where, I guess, Mojo is in it. And they’re like, “Spiral! Why is Spiral in this? Oh no!” That’s an X-Men joke for the listeners.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yup.
gillian
									
Tastes better spiraled! That’s our motto around here.
elliott
									
Was that—I guess the spiral cutting unlocks the flavor juices that would otherwise be kept inside if they were cut in a less snail shell-y way? [Multiple people laugh.] I don’t know ham science. But I would assume.
gillian
									
It also involves the great children’s game where you can kinda bounce it down the stairs like a slinky. [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
There was a commercial for those hams where a guy put a ball bearing on the spiral and it rolled all the way around the ham a couple times, Elliott. [Multiple people laugh.]
gillian
									
Oooh. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
You’re thinking of luxury cars, Stu.
stuart
									
Oh, okay. Yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Now— [Laughs.] Gillian, I, uh—yeah. Let’s segue into the movie. You chose this one. It’s called Uninvited. It’s from 1987. I believe it was straight-to-VHS. That’s what I found in my research. I didn’t see anything about a theatrical release but I could be wrong.
elliott
									
I think it was a straight-to-video movie. This was written and directed by Greydon Clark, who Mystery Science Theater viewers will know from a number of her movies. And Dan will know from the classic boobs-in-video-games hit, Joysticks. Number one at the box office the week it came out.
dan
									
I was gonna say! I looked it up, yeah. He directed Joysticks, one of my favorite teen sex comedies that was one of these movies that is about videogames in such a way that it’s clear that they thought videogames were gonna be a fad that they needed to jump onto? [Gillian laughs.] And likewise, he also directed The Forbidden Dance about the lambada. That’s one of two movies about the lambada. This is the one with Laura Herring from Mulholland Drive in it. As she’s a—I believe—Amazon princess who has come to America to stop the deforestation of the Amazon and gets involved in a lambada contest.
elliott
									
Yeah, through dance! Dan, did I ever tell you about the screening of Joysticks I went to where the hosts called Greydon Clark over the phone, interviewed him?
dan
									
No!
elliott
									
And he basically said, like, “Yeah. Went to the mall and I saw all these kids lining up to play videogames and I was like, if we could get them to go see a movie we’d be millionaires! So we made this movie.” [Dan laughs.] And they picked weekend when nothing else was coming out so they were number one at the box office nationwide. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
I mean, you can’t argue with that.
crosstalk
									
Gillian: Clever. Stuart: It’s just good business sense. [Laughs.] Dan: It is a fun dumb movie. Elliott: Now unfortunately—
elliott
									
Uninvited, they didn’t—because it was direct-to-video they did not have that. Although the titles right off the bat tell you this is an Amazing Movies production. Which is… promising a lot.
gillian
									
[Through laughter] Yes.
dan
									
Now, Gillian, you’re an aficionado of both bad movies and horror movies, I’ve learned [through laughter] in our very brief conversations. [Gillian laughs.] I make it out like we’ve known each other for years. Why did you choose this one?
gillian
									
I chose this one… I love ‘80s horror movies in particular. They’re just—they’re kinda what I grew up on. They remind me of, y’know, sneaking at home with my friends who had the luxury of cable, which we did not. And just watching like all those—just all those crazy movies. In Kansas City we grew up with Friday Fright Night. That was our particular brand of the local scare movie night with the host who—the cat named Caffeina. Who I always loved. [Dan laughs.] And so I just like, y’know, it has all the great kind of ‘80s movie staples. Like it has—like, I love—don’t you guys love the like opening music for it? Like, it’s just sort of sets you—it’s like, okay. You’re doing a little John Carpenter here but also Columbo? And you know it has a lot of ‘80s dancing and music on yachts and the classic ‘80s characters that you can, y’know, like, “Oh, it’s the nerd. It’s the rich douche. It’s the girl who will get killed and the girl who won’t.” And—all of which we should discuss—get very confused later on about who’s playing what? Like, the guy dressed like the nerd is not the nerd? I would like—I really wanna think—it’s important we get into that. But um— [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Oh, we’ll get to it.
gillian
									
It also has my other favorite, which is people falling into water. Another ‘80s staple.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Mm-hm. Dan: Yeah. Or being tossed. [Laughs.] Stuart: Yeah.
gillian
									
Yeah. Tossed. Fall. Dive. Never resurfacing.
dan
									
Since you mentioned the music, I just wanna say I looked up the composer? And the composer for this did 210 episodes of America’s Funniest Home Videos. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Are you sure it’s not just that he wrote the theme song?
dan
									
Who knows. Or—I mean—
elliott
									
I don’t know that they had separate scores for [through laughter] every episode.
stuart
									
I think they had like a little underscoring though while like the ‘boing’ sound effects and stuff.
elliott
									
So he was the guy who wrote [singing] doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. He was in the booth and making—yeah. Elliott: While Bob Saget was like, “Oh, what’s this over here? I hope it won’t hit me in the nuts! Ohhh!” Gillian: “Ow!”
dan
									
Okay. Well I—
stuart
									
What a Sisyphean wish. [Elliott laughs.] That you won’t get hit in the nuts in a video in America’s Funniest Home Videos.
elliott
									
Well the thing is, if the videos were that funny they would not have needed Bob Saget to then voice the characters in the videos, right?
stuart
									
Wow.
elliott
									
I put that to you. I’m throwing down the gauntlet, America’s Funniest Home Videos.
gillian
									
Snap.
dan
									
Well unfortunately for our guest, I’m in the driver’s seat for the synopsis this time. So bear with that along with the 20 minutes of Skype problems we had before this episode. [Gillian laughs.] But let’s just start off with the tale of Uninvited, which we come in. There’s some doctors who are giving a cat experimental treatments of some kind.
elliott
									
Now one of these doctors is the director, Greydon Clark. Named here Doctor Grey.
stuart
									
And this is a very good—I just gotta get this out of the way up front. This is a very good cat actor, right? He’s great. He’s fluffy. [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
He’s very fluffy. I wouldn’t say—I mean, cat actors are notoriously difficult. [Gillian laughs.]
gillian
									
And I would say you have to add a plural to that, ‘cause they clearly went through at least 600 cats during the filming of Uninvited. They sometimes look entirely different. [Multiple people laugh.] In addition to the cat puppets that we’ll get into.
elliott
									
The cat seems to—by going into the ocean at the end of the movie—spoiler alert—the cat changes color miraculously.
dan
									
Yeah. [Through laughter] We’ll definitely get to that. [Gillian laughs.] But yeah. Doctors are experimenting on this cat. It escapes out the door. Everyone panics, and they try and hit it with a tranquilizer dart to no avail, and a tinier, uglier cat comes out of the cat’s mouth and kills the security guards in the stairwell and buckets of blood just [through laughter] splatter on the wall. [Gillian laughs.] In a way that I have no idea what injury this cat is doing to just spray blood everywhere. Also I don’t know what this experiment is in creating a smaller cat that comes out of a cat.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Clearly they were doing experiments to see if you could solve Alzheimer’s by putting a tiny person inside of a regular person’s mouth. And when you forgot something the tiny person would go, “Psst, hey. That’s your daughter.” Or something like that. And would just like remind you. They start out with cats and it didn’t work out, clearly.
gillian
									
I thought it was possibly like an earlier form of the turducken. Like, they were sort of like—someday this could be huge. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
The scientific breakthrough was realizing they should stuff the animals after they were already dead rather than trying to breed them inside each other’s throats. [Gillian laughs.]
stuart
									
People love cats. Wouldn’t they love two cats inside of one cat? [Elliott laughs.] Now, let’s do three cats.
elliott
									
They’re like, “We’ve gotta get pocket cats on the market by Christmas. This is the thing all the kids are gonna want.”
stuart
									
Now I’m glad that we’re getting it out of the way right up front that we’re talking about the fact that there’s a smaller cat inside the original cat. But that—the smaller cat, which is the one doing allll the trouble, kinda looks like if you asked a child—like it was designed by a child who’s like, “I’m gonna make the muscle-y-est cat.” [Multiple people laugh.] Like, it looks like a beefy little wrestling buddy of a cat. It’s really awesome. [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]
gillian
									
And it also seems to be smiling! Like, it’s sort of like, “I’m here!” Like, kinda having jazz hands almost.
elliott
									
Like the little demon cat that pops out of his mouth thinks that people are gonna love this. Like, that it’s just having a great time.
gillian
									
Ta-daaa! [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah. He sees the merchandizing opportunities already.
elliott
									
In a way it’s kind of like a horror version of Michigan J. Frog? Like when the wrong—when the people are like, “Oh, it’s just a cat.” But when you look at it, a demon pops out and it’s like, “Hello!” [Gillian laughs.]
dan
									
I also—I mean, like, I’m not totally sure of the nature of this mutant cat. Because early in the movie, it kind of seems like a smaller cat just pops out of the mouth like, y’know, the second mouth in an alien? But then later on it seems like the mutant monster can move independently of the cat? Like, it can come fully out of the cat? Which makes me wonder—what happens—like, is the cat normal then? Once that mutant leaves it? Or is it just like a skinsuit that the mutant’s wearing?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Like an empty duffel bag. Gillian: The mythology of the cat mutant—
gillian
									
—puppet situation is—it’s many and varied, I think. Y’know ‘cause sometimes it comes out and it becomes larger, it seems like? It turns kinda puma-sized. Sometimes it looks like a seal. Sometimes they give it a little hair gel. Sometimes it looks scraggly and you can see all the dust mites coming out of someone’s old childhood beloved stuffed animal? So it is—there’s a lot happening with it.
dan
									
Well yeah. That’s the hilarious thing is like not only is obviously the mutant cat a puppet? But the supposedly real cat also has to be a puppet ‘cause I don’t know if you guys know this— [Gillian laughs.] —you can’t have like a puppet cat come out of a real cat.
elliott
									
They did the old classic thing of a larger-than-normal cat head puppet that the then small cat comes out of. And that large cat puppet—they—I think they just run out of caring? [Multiple people laugh.] Of how it’s lit? So by the end of the movie it just looks like a goofy—it looks like the baby from Dinosaurs. Like it just looks like a cartoon character.
dan
									
You got it at a carnival or something. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. It’s got a—it has that big grin. It’s like, y’know, the Cheshire Cat or a cat that’s playing a fiddle or something. Y’know.
stuart
									
“Ain’t I a stinker?”
elliott
									
Yeah. So Dan, we also get—during this sequence they’re chasing through a parking garage and we get a little bit of cat-o-vision.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Where the camera is low on the ground. Gillian: Yes. Dan: Yeah. I was—
elliott
									
And it gets to run around like you are the cat.
dan
									
Mm-hm. [Laughs.] Just like Jaws.
stuart
									
Yeah. You feel so powerful when you’re the cat for a moment, right? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. And you know when they—they didn’t go—
stuart
									
The ultimate fantasy.
elliott
									
It made me wish that there was a Friday the 13th parody where Jason is a cat and instead of the music going [makes shushed maraca sound] it goes “meow meow meow.” Like that. [Gillian laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: So okay. Elliott: Similarly. Guys. Similarly.
elliott
									
It’s a Halloween movie. Instead of Michael Myers it’s a cat, and the music goes [singing] “meow meow meow, meow meow meow, meow-meow-meow-meow” [continues at length.] Okay. Let me think of some other horror movies with specific musical stings so I can turn them into cat sounds. Um…
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh… I mean, there’s kind of the— Gillian: [Sighs.] Elliott: Uh… okay. It’s—it’s Psycho.
elliott
									
Instead of Norman Bates, it’s Norman Cats. He runs the Bates Cat-el. It’s a cat hotel. There’s a cat taking a shower—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Which is weird, ‘cause cats don’t usually like showers. Dan: This is all seems kind lazy. The naming conventions. [Laughs.] Stuart: Yeah. Yep.
elliott
									
And Norman Bates comes in and attacks and goes [mimicks Psycho violin screech, but with “meows.”] [Dan and Stuart pepper Elliott’s theme songs with various assents, in a “please hurry up” vibe.] Okay. What’s another one. Okay, guys. Wait. Hold on. Uh—
dan
									
No. [Through laughter] We don’t have—we don’t—
elliott
									
Okay. It’s Jaws, like you mentioned before. But it’s a cat. Now cats also have jaws, so we just call it Jaws. That’s fine. ‘Cause cats have jaws, too. And that one’s like—
stuart
									
[Inaudible] Copywritten.
elliott
									
[Mimicking Jaws theme song, but with “meows”] “Meow-meow. Meow-meow. Meow-meow, meow-meow, meow-meow…” [Continues at length.] Okay. Let me think of another one. Hold on. Guys. [Laughs.]
dan
									
No. We’re not doing this anymore. So— [Gillian laughs.] —the security guards are all dead, so the doctors themselves are running around this parking garage with guns trying to shoot this cat. They all get killed—
elliott
									
Well the doctor takes a gun from the security guard and then that security guard gets killed. And it’s like, what kind of—come on, doctor! [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
The cat escapes. We cut to—there are a couple of young, female spring breakers. They’re wearing shirts that have big slits cut out of them over bikinis. And they are—
stuart
									
Love it.
dan
									
—attempting to check into a hotel, but they’re being turned away until Walter—an important-seeming sort of sleazy guy with a moustache—steps in and says, “Oh, they’re with me.”
stuart
									
He gives such a strong first impression that his character reveal over time is shocking for me. [Multiple people laugh.] Like—at first he seemed like a—y’know, he seemed like the most interesting man in the world and then he quickly devolves into like [through laughter] a simpering weirdo. [All laugh.]
gillian
									
I feel like he was trying to jam every villain that he’d ever seen in a movie. Like he was like, “This is my one shot.” ‘Cause at first he’s kind of like, “I’m a Forbes-ian business dick.” Like, then he’s… then he’s sort of, y’know, maybe—“But maybe I’m in the mafia.” Then he’s like, “But I could be a chilling sociopath with clever one-liners.” And then by the end he’s just devolved into someone who has a lot of after-dinner bananas. Rather the cocktails.
elliott
									
It was seeing him eat a banana at a party, was something that I was not expecting when this character was first introduced as a captain of industry. [Multiple people laugh.]
gillian
									
It felt like it was one of those things where actors are like, “This is a brave choice.” [Elliott laughs.] “I’m doing something here. I’m doing—bear with me. It’s this thing.”
elliott
									
It’s like, “Greydon, I’ve got to do something with my hands in this scene. Just hand me that banana.” “Really? ‘Cause you’re supposed to be like a billionaire.” “Just give me that banana. Billionaires like bananas, right?”
gillian
									
“You could have a martini, sir. Wouldn’t that be—” “Banana!”
elliott
									
Banana.
dan
									
Well it’s like, “Put the banana in the martini.” “No.”
crosstalk
									
Dan: “It would just confuse the audience.” Elliott: Now Dan, these two sisters—we should mention—
gillian
									
These are two sisters, Bonnie and Susanne. And Bonnie is the party girl and Susanne is the emotionally-unstable, prone-to-hysterics-as-the-movie-goes-on girl.
dan
									
Well, yeah. Only as the movie goes on. Early on, my notes are a little fuzzy on them and the guys who are about to show up? Because the two lead women and the two lead guys—I mean, not ultimately the leads. But like the ones we are introduced to first. Seem sort of interchangeable at first and then over the course of time they come into focus.
elliott
									
I would say yes about the girls, not about the boys. When we get to them, I’ll tell you my theory about them.
dan
									
Okay. Well anyway, so George Kennedy—
gillian
									
With the girls, don’t you start out going like, “Okay, which one of you is the good girl who gets to live and which is the bad girl that’s gonna die?”
elliott
									
Exactly.
gillian
									
And then you’re kind of like, “I don’t know. You’re both only wearing bikinis wherever you go. Like…” [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Their fashion choices were so bold that I wasn’t really thinking too much. I was like, “Man, could I pull that off? Maybe?”
crosstalk
									
Dan: Also, they both seem like perfectly nice. Elliott: [Laughs.] Like—can I—can I go into—
dan
									
They’re like very like party spring breaker types, but they’re not like… I mean, other than like— [Laughs.] Just leaping onto the chance to go to like a yacht. Which is fine. But like—
stuart
									
YOLO, dude!
elliott
									
Yeah, come on. I mean, they’re very comfortable leading on a mustachioed millionaire, which is always a bad idea. But they are—I wish I had the confidence they have to sit in the fancy restaurant of a hotel showing off their hip bones. Like, I don’t think I could do that. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
They’re having dinner and Walter’s two subordinates show up. They’re kind of, y’know like his muscle it seems like. They’re menacing. One of them is—
elliott
									
Menacing older gentlemen. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah, but they’re tough. [Gillian laughs.] Like, one of them is George Kennedy, who is an interesting fellow because, y’know, he won the Oscar for Cool Hand Luke and, y’know, later in his career he was in Police Squad and the Naked Gun movies. But he did have this lull in the middle where he would just appear in whatever. [Laughs.] And the other one is Clu Gulager, who is in my favorite zombie movie, Return of the Living Dead. And here he’s acting with giant fake teeth— [Multiple people laugh.] [Through laughter] —which is a choice I do not understand. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
He is such a cartoon character in this movie. And I have to assume he was like, “This is garbage. I’m gonna just do whatever I want.” And so [through laughter] he’s like a character out of like… out of like Green Acres or something like that. Y’know. Suddenly showing up in this.
gillian
									
Yes. He’s like Ernest before there was Ernest. Or maybe at the same time there was Ernest. I’m not sure.
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think he would go to parties and be like, “I was Ernest before Ernest!” [Laughs.] [Gillian laughs.]
elliott
									
Clu Gulager’s like, “Jim Varney and I were workshopping characters at the same regional theater and suddenly he’s making movies and my character Albert barely shows up anywhere! This is bullshit.” Y’know.
dan
									
Yeah. But George Kennedy is clearly annoyed to see Walter, y’know, tarrying with these young ladies. He’s got a meeting. So they go to this business meeting and it turns out—so Walter’s this big Wall Street guy.
elliott
									
Wait, wait, before they go to the meeting, what does he do to the girls?
dan
									
Oh, he invites them to his yacht.
elliott
									
He invites them to the yacht. Beginning a theme that I think Dan and I will have some disagreement on—no one in this movie is uninvited! Every character receives an invitation!
crosstalk
									
Dan: I think you’re wrong. Elliott: At some point.
elliott
									
We’ll get to it. We’ll get to it. But as you’ll see, the movie Uninvited has a distinct lack of uninvited guests. [Gillian laughs.] But they go to the yacht, Dan. Tell me about this meeting. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
They go to this meeting. Walter is this Wall Street hotshot, but the SEC is closing in on him. He is a fraudster of some kind. I’m not really clear what’s going on with this guy he’s meeting?
elliott
									
So this guy, Daryl, I think he knows something that could get them in trouble. And so they are gonna try to bribe him and they barely wait for his answer before they just drown him in the Jacuzzi. And one thing that was funny was, they’re clearly saying “SEC,” which makes sense. The Security & Exchange Commission. But the captions on Amazon Prime say “FCC,” the Federal Communications Commission? [Multiple people laugh.] And I was like, “What’s the FCC gonna do to him that’s that bad? Like, does he own two TV stations in the same market? Like, what’s the problem?” [All laugh.]
dan
									
Yeah. Walter reveals his nipple at the Super Bowl and they’re going to fine him. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah. And it’s not even his fault. Like, the other guy’s involved just as bad. It’s fucked up.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] He’s like, “Why did I say ‘fuck’ on Saturday Night Live? That was a mistake! Now I gotta run for my life!” [Laughs.] [All laugh.]
dan
									
Um, yeah. So as you say, Clu kills this dude by drowning him in a hot tub.
gillian
									
Falling into water—check and double-check. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
What I like about it is it’s like, it’s easy to fall over a boat into water. But to fall into water on the boat? That takes guts.
crosstalk
									
Gillian: Very meta. Stuart: Yeah. Ironic. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
First they offer him three metal suitcases, each one containing a million bucks in cash. And those will come up later. And they’re like—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s so funny ‘cause they’re like—they’re like— Stuart: I’m assuming. They don’t open ‘em. It could be like—
stuart
									
—what’s that, like, “pick the case with the money” game? What’s that gameshow?
elliott
									
Uh, Gold Bricks? No.
crosstalk
									
Gillian: Make Me a Millionaire? Or yeah, something. Elliott: Uh, Negotiate— Stuart: It could be—
elliott
									
Steal My Case?
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Steal My Case.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: What is the name of that show? Dan: Uh, yeah. It does feel like just rubbing it in—
dan
									
—that they’re showing the money to him [through laughter] before killing him. Like—
elliott
									
Well it’s so funny ‘cause it’s like, “Here’s a case of a million dollars. Will this buy your silence?” “I dunno, guys.” “Well, here’s a second case.”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: “With a million dollars.” Gillian: “How about if we kill you?” [Laughs.] “Would that help? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
It would be funny if while he’s drowning he was like, “I didn’t know this was an option! I’ll take the cases!”
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. While he’s drowning do you think he’s like, “I hope I don’t get a bacteria infection! Jacuzzis are notoriously gross!” [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] “How often do you have this filtered?”
dan
									
Yeah. So we cut from this murder to—
elliott
									
Uh, it’s Deal or No Deal is the briefcase show, right?
stuart
									
Thank you!
dan
									
That—that—very important. We cut to—
elliott
									
Starring Howard Mandel, yeah.
dan
									
We cut to a guy at a gas station feeding the mutant cat some milk. And this goes on for a long time.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] He pets him for so long! [Laughs.]
dan
									
And I’m onboard with this. As a cat lover, I’m like, this is fine. Because one of the things about this movie is—the cat, when it’s not, y’know, spewing out its mutant spawn, is a very cute cat. So like… maybe not the best villain for your film, I would argue. [Gillian laughs.] So I’m enjoying this cat enjoying its milk.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. I mean, I’m a little concerned ‘cause— [Elliott laughs.] —milk isn’t necessarily good for cats. It can lead to diarrhea and stuff.
dan
									
It’s true. Yeah. That is true.
elliott
									
I was just like, “Are we gonna find out this character’s face, who’s petting this cat?” Because it’s shot in such a way that you don’t know who it is. And usually that means it’s kind of a mysterious, ominous character. But in this case it’s literally just probably they had someone in an earlier scene and they didn’t wanna show his face ‘cause they didn’t have a new actor for it.
dan
									
Just a guy. And two other guys come and they beat him up and steal his truck, but the cat gets in the back of the truck and kills them. Presumably, I guess, in retribution— [Elliott laughs.] —for beating up this guy who was giving them milk. And the truck falls down the embankment in slow motion for a very long time.
stuart
									
Yeah. It’s great.
gillian
									
It’s like the cat’s first revenge killing. [Dan laughs.] He’s got a taste for it now! [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Mm-hm. And this—
stuart
									
Yeah, he’s trying to win back the audience’s good graces at this point. ‘Cause at first he just killed a bunch of—he killed an unarmed security guard. Peeled his face right off. It was horrible. But now he’s gotta kill these two jerks.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Now he’s a vigilante. Gillian: It’s the classic “save the cat.”
gillian
									
Y’know, thing in screenwriting. But this is the cat saving the cat with the cat.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Exactly.
elliott
									
Yeah. You get a cat in a truck. You throw rocks at the truck, and then the truck falls down a hill. Classic screenwriting.
dan
									
I mean, early in this movie, the cat is only killing bad people. I gotta say.
gillian
									
Yeah. True!
elliott
									
I mean, the workers at the lab might disagree with that.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Sure, they’re doing ethically questionable things. The security guards, too? Dan: Uh, they were experimenting on—yeah! Gillian: They were mutating him! They were mutating him! I don’t blame him!
elliott
									
It’s like a Michael Moore cat who’s like, “I hate this evil corporation so I’m gonna bother a security guard all day.” [Multiple people laugh.] And it’s like, he’s not the problem, Michael Moore. [Gillian laughs.] Like, come on, Michael Moore cat.
gillian
									
I would like to point out, though, the cat—in this first revenge killing—in one of its many metamorphoses, has webbed feet. [Laughs.] [All laugh.] When he reaches out from behind the driver to attack him, he has webbed claw feet and then—so at that point I was like, “Is it a platypus? Is it like—what’s it turning into? What’s gonna happen?” I was—
elliott
									
Maybe that was the experiment, to see whether you could turn a cat into a platypus and the side effect was it has a tiny little monster baby in its throat. And they didn’t see that coming, y’know?
gillian
									
They’re like, “This isn’t a clatypus! We had the name ready and everything!” [All laugh.]
dan
									
Yeah. So we cut to two dudes who are hanging out at the marina looking to pick up women. One of them is sort of a preppy guy, and one of them is wearing more, like, I dunno. Party dude shirts?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. Like a real Dan and Stu situation. Dan: I—yeah. Elliott: And here’s the—
elliott
									
So this is Corey and Lance and they are so clearly some sort of universal, primordial Zack and Slater from Saved by the Bell. [Multiple people laugh.] I was like, I gotta find out. It was like the world’ collective unconscious was like, “We need a Zack and Slater.” And first it go to this movie and it wasn’t quite right, and then it finally got to Saved by the Bell. ‘Cause it’s literally like preppy with like a polo shirt and his best friend is wearing like neon sleeveless gym wear.
crosstalk
									
Gillian: Well, not—but not yet, though. Elliott: It was just something weird.
gillian
									
I would like to point out—again, in the ongoing confusion of my ‘80s stereotypes—that non-blonde preppy guy is at first dressed very similarly to the classic ‘80s nerd sidekick, Ducky-like type. ‘Cause he has the awkward hat. And he’s got the Hawaiian shirt and he’s kind of like—and he’s seasick. He’s like, “Whoa!” And then later is revealed to be that he’s a world-class wrestler? [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Big Stuart energy right there.
elliott
									
And party girl starts making out with him immediately, despite the vomit. So.
elliott
									
Yeah. It’s like the scene in The Believer when Ryan Gosling throws up and then his girlfriend kisses him right afterwards to calm him down. And I was like, “Ew, gross!” That’s even grosser than his dabbling with antisemitism! [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
So they’re sitting around and there’s, y’know, jaunty sort of electric keyboard music playing and our two spring breakers come join them. They’re immediately attracted to them. Then their bearded friend—“Hedgeworth,” they call him—I guess that’s his last name—like, what’s his first name again? I’m—
elliott
									
Mike.
dan
									
Mike Hedgeworth shows up.
elliott
									
For the first half of the movie they just call him Hedgeworth.
stuart
									
‘Cause isn’t George Kennedy’s character Mike Kelly?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, I don’t know. Gillian: He’s also Mike! Yeah! Elliott: To be honest, I never knew his name. I never knew his name. Stuart: Too many Mikes.
gillian
									
For a long time they were yelling “Mike” so often? They yell everyone’s name in this movie a lot. [Dan laughs.] And they were like, “Mike! Mike!” I thought Mike—I literally thought Mike was the cat. [Multiple people laugh.] I thought that— [through laughter] I was like, “Cool cat name.”
dan
									
[Laughs.] So Hedgeworth’s there to say that there’s no hotel for them in town and they’re—they seem very annoyed that he has joined them, I guess because the men to women ratio has now changed? But also they just, like, kind of treat him like he’s unbearable? And I’m like, he seems like a perfectly nice guy. Like, I don’t know why.
elliott
									
He’s very much supposed to be—I think he’s supposed to—it’s like when he shows up, he’s supposed to be the nerd. And he bumps—that’s when Lance is like, “Oh, I’m not the nerd anymore? I guess I’m a jock now! Hey!” Yeah. “Forget about it, totally!” But he never—he’s just like a—yeah. He’s just a normal guy. If anything it seems weird that he’s hanging out with Lance and Corey, ‘cause he doesn’t seem to like any of the same things they do. Like, he’s a PhD student I think? Like, it doesn’t make sense. Why are they friends?
gillian
									
He seems to have a future? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
And I wanted to mention, Dan, that Corey is played by the actor Rob Estes, who is best known for Silk Stockings, a show I refuse to admit—or refuse to believe exists. I think they just show commercials to run on USA when I was a kid. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
I mean, I’ve definitely seen the opening credits for it. [Elliott laughs.] I don’t know about any of the actual show, but. [Laughs.]
gillian
									
I was a young girl in the ‘80s and I think I can attest to the fact that there did exist a Silk Stockings that I probably watched every episode of it. [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
From my—so I believe it to be a show about people playing saxophone in wet alleys? [Elliott laughs.] [Through laughter] Is that what the show is about?
crosstalk
									
Gillian: You got it! [Laughs.] You got it! And Rob Estes is running around with a gun going like— Stuart: Like wet, smoke-filled alleys.
gillian
									
“Who’s making that racket?” [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
“People are trying to sleep around here!”
dan
									
So these women mention they’re gonna go on this yacht with Walter, and the preppier guy knows that Walter’s this huge Wall Street guy and he’s very excited. And so the women invite the men along to the yacht.
elliott
									
Interesting! Interesting, the word you just used— [Dan sighs heavily.] —to describe what happened there, Dan!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Elliott. Elliott. Elliott: I would call that Exhibit B!
elliott
									
Exhibit B for the prosecution—
dan
									
It is Walter’s yacht. It is not their place to invite them. They are uninvited to this yacht.
elliott
									
It doesn’t matter that they don’t have the right to invite them. As far as the boys are concerned, they’ve been offered an invitation— [Dan laughs.] —and they are going to take it. They didn’t say to the girls, “Okay. Well take us to your yacht or we’re gonna throw you overboard.” [Dan laughs.] They didn’t say, “Hey, where’s the yacht ‘cause we’re gonna sneak on later in the middle of the night when no one sees us.” They have been invited. Exhibit B.
dan
									
But later—but once they arrive at the yacht, Walter attempts to block them from being on the yacht. So I would still say—
elliott
									
Before ultimately offering them jobs that would require them to be on the yacht!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: An invitation, as you will! Dan: Only because the SEC is closing in. I don’t…
elliott
									
And Dan—but wait. Right after the invite the boys, what happens then?
dan
									
Okay. So… well, they invite—well also—one of the women grabs one of their legs immediately? Like, they’re coming on hot right from the beginning. But they’re on the way to the boat. The find the cat inside some kind of like equipment hold on the dock and I’m not sure how the cat got inside at this point? I mean, later on we see that the cat can claw through steel. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah, super strength. It can bite through George Kennedy’s shoes. Dan: But at the time, I’m like—wait. [Laughs.] Stuart: Yep.
dan
									
And one of the women decides to take the cat along to save it. They see it has a medical collar on, and they feel bad for it. And in this scene the cat does not want to be held by this woman. [Gillian laughs.]
elliott
									
No. It’s Suzanne who has the cat and she says, “Oh, I’m gonna take care of this cat. It’s coming with me.” Which is kind of… kind of an in—an invitation. You could say.
crosstalk
									
Gillian: The cat was definitely invited on this trip. Stuart: Yeah, you could say that. Elliott: Exhibit C.
gillian
									
It may not have wanted to be invited? [Elliott laughs.] Possibly coerced? But—
crosstalk
									
Dan: I mean, again, Walter says he doesn’t like cats. Gillian: Suzanne was gonna take that cat.
elliott
									
Walter doesn’t like cats and yet he gives in, hoping that Suzanne will allow some part of his body to touch some part of her body. He gives in and allows her to bring the cat.
stuart
									
Yeah. He does turn it into some kind of creepy thing.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, he’s a creep from the beginning. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Elliott: I mean, he’s always kinda creepy. There’s—there’s—there’s no way a millionaire with a moustache— Stuart: He’s—
elliott
									
—picks up two bikini girls and takes them to a fancy restaurant and it’s not creepy. I’m sorry. It’s not a charitable thing. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
But at the beginning, he said, “No strings attached,” Elliott.
elliott
									
He meant that their string bikinis won’t be attached to them anymore. Yeah.
dan
									
Okay. Well we get a scene of exposition here where we learn that Walter has been such a dick to the whole crew that they’ve all quit. And the captain is a young woman named Rachel. I looked her up; she is Joyce Hyser’s best friend in Just One of the Guys.
gillian
									
That’s who she is!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Yep. Yep.
dan
									
Back at her original school. Where they know that she’s not dressed up as a man for her thing. And Walter acts very sleazy towards her, as he does every woman in the movie. And the guys arrive and Walter is like, “No, no, no, no, no.” And the spring break ladies are like, “Hey, but you need a crew” and he also wants to get rid of the cat but, y’know. People are closing in on him—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. The authorities are showing up. Dan: —so they head out to open waters.
elliott
									
So he offers a reluctant invitation to all of these people to stay on the yacht. Case closed. So they’ve gotta get to the Cayman Islands, right? Before the Feds freeze their offshore bank account full of their ill-gotten gains?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yes. And— Gillian: I think it was right around here—
gillian
									
—I started—to keep my husband excited and involved and not leave me alone watching The Uninvited on a Saturday night? [Stuart laughs.] I was like, “Let’s make it a fun game where we count how many times they mentioned ‘getting to the Caymans.’” [Multiple people laugh.] “‘Cause right now we’re already about on four, I think. ‘We’re gonna get to the Caymans.’” [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
That’s—y’know, when you’re diagramming Walter’s character that’s his want. [Gillian laughs.]
gillian
									
[Through laughter] Yes. Caymans.
dan
									
So the young people are checking out the digs and they start dancing to nondescript pop music on the radio and the beard guy is dancing on his own. That’s Hedgeworth. He’s dancing on his own. He’s just sort of pumping his fist back and forth, like how Elliott dances?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Wow. Dan: I mean, Elliott’s more of like a this motion? But—yeah. Elliott: But I dance to—literally like a baby would dance.
elliott
									
Just bobbing up and down on my knees. Yeah.
stuart
									
And you also strip down into a diaper and do it, right?
elliott
									
I mean, if I’m gonna go the full way. It’s called the Baby Dance. Yeah, of course. Well ‘cause—I’ll bring you back to a time when a little show called Ally McBeal was on the air. And the nation became captivated by a computer-generated dancing baby that Ally McBeal hallucinated? Or maybe it told her to kill. I don’t remember the show that well. [Dan laughs.] But people loved that dancing baby and I said, “I want that kind of attention.” And that’s when the Baby Dance began. Now let’s fast-forward to yesterday. My son is on Zoom, attending his first-grade class, and I decide—you know what would liven this class up? A little bit of the Baby Dance. I strip down to my diaper and I make sure I’m in the range of the Zoom camera. And that’s why my son doesn’t have a school right now. So if anyone knows of a first grade that is looking for students… I have a child who desperately needs an education.
dan
									
Okay. So George Kennedy says he doesn’t like punk kids and I am totally on his side at this point. [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I mean, Dan, you like punk kids, though. Dan: But he assigns them—
elliott
									
But you don’t like these kids.
dan
									
Yes. I don’t like these kids. But he assigns them all duties. One of them cook. One’s gonna be a busboy dishwasher. One’s gonna be a maid. The captain, Rachel, is trying to teach Clu how to drive the boat. And he’s overacting like crazy. And the guys are in the kitchen bitching about having to work for this free yacht trip that they were not invited on by the owner of the yacht. We can stipulate that, at least. But then the women come in to say how hot it is in the kitchen three times—one time in unison, I believe—and they unbutton their shirts enough to show their cleavage that there’s nothing that they’re wearing underneath.
crosstalk
									
Dan: There’s no nudity in this movie? But it is suggested several times. Stuart: They’re not wearing a wire. Elliott: [Laughs.] That’s—that’s—
elliott
									
Dan “Mr. Skin” McCoy. Giving us the full report. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
At this point you’re like—it’s more just like “having fun on a yacht” type movie, right? It’s barely a monster movie!
elliott
									
Yeah. It should be called “Yacht Invited.” ‘Cause they’ve been invited on a yacht. And Dan, they start making out with the boys, except for Hedgeworth, the only one who is doing any actual work. Seems unfair.
dan
									
Yeah. [Through laughter] He is the unfuckable one at this point. But also it seems like these—our two leads, spring breaker ladies, have imprinted on like the first guys they saw like they’re baby ducks? [All laugh.] Yeah. But Clu Gulager is drunk at the wheel. And everyone else is dressed for dinner.
gillian
									
I would like to add at this point is when Clu says the infamous line, “This is for you, Tammy Faye.” Which—thereby reminding us that it’s 1987. [Multiple people laugh.] Along—
dan
									
I missed this line. What was for Tammy Faye?
gillian
									
I even backed up to see if I could figure out what exactly was for Tammy Faye. [Dan laughs.] The tea? The booze? The ship? [Multiple people laugh.] Him? He was—he wanted to give her something.
stuart
									
Yeah. He gave his character a little bit of inner life. He wanted to bring him out on screen.
gillian
									
He’s like, “If the other guy gets to have the after-dinner banana—” [Multiple people laugh.] “I get to drop my Tammy Faye reference.”
dan
									
So—alright. Everyone’s having dinner and this is where Hedgeworth is chatting with Rachel, the captain. And they seem to be hitting it off. Maybe finally Hedgeworth has made a love connection. But Walter comes over to hassle Rachel; he’s like, “What do you see in this guy?” Who’s like—“Well, maybe the fact that he’s not a dick and he’s age-appropriate.” [Laughs.] [Gillian laughs.] But everyone is like dancing around to music in the way that people do in movies when there’s only like four people in a room? Which has never happened to me in life. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
It’s a very—they dance extremely whitely. And it makes me wonder if any music was playing when they were actually doing the dancing? [Gillian laughs.] ‘Cause it’s just kind of like generic dance moves that you could just plug any kind of soft rock song onto. Y’know.
stuart
									
I mean, I’ve never been on a movie set. But I’m pretty sure… they play the music that’s gonna be in the movie so they can sync it up, right? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
I hate to break it to you, Stu, but that’s exactly right. That’s exactly what they do.
dan
									
Clu Gulager’s still drinking. Now he’s singing the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” for some reason. Rachel discovers him and—
elliott
									
How many hours of improv from Clu Gulager at the tiller do you think they have? [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
I honestly think that like the script just says “Clu does something” whenever he appears on screen. Which is not gonna be for very much longer, because she kicks him off the helm. He goes to—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —his wine cooler— Elliott: Rachel does.
dan
									
Which in this case is a cooler full of wine and not the drink “wine cooler.” And once again, there’s a cat inside a closed bin. [Laughs.] [Gillian laughs.] And comes out and kills Clu and there are shots of blood pumping from his neck and—
stuart
									
Well I do like that we see the mini cat coming out of the mouth, and Clu has the wherewithal—despite being very drunk and overact-y—he smashes his bottle of wine to create a weapon. Too late, though. He gets blasted. And then his neck starts pumping, right?
dan
									
That’s why I smash my bottle ahead of time? Just in case I’m gonna get into some shit.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Did you mention that he has all—he— [Laughs.] That’s a little late. Stuart: And then I was like, “Was he christening the yacht at that point?” ‘Cause it’s a little late to be doing that. Dan: [Inaudible] [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Dan, did you mention he was also spitting wine at the cat. That’s why the cat ripped his—bit his neck off.
dan
									
Yeah. Again, early on, the cat only attacks those who threaten the cat.
elliott
									
Right before this, the cat is walking around the engine room and there’s like—the engine revs and it scares the cat and the cat rips a cable out with its little demon. So the cat is very reactive. It’s just reacting to things.
dan
									
Oh! I—yeah. I had this later. We see the cat in the engine room; the boat has stopped and the engine’s overheating and I’m like, “Did the cat sabotage the boat?” But apparently that’s actually what happened!
elliott
									
That is what happened. But just ‘cause—the cat was just reacting. The cat is a lot like… the Iron Giant, I guess? Where like if you attack it, it’s gonna attack you back. But if you don’t attack it, it will hang out with you and a beatnik.
dan
									
Or me, Elliott! If I think someone’s being mean, I lash out before [through laughter] thinking.
elliott
									
I’ve been the brunt of that once. I just went to hand Dan a hairbrush and he thought it was a gun and he was strangling me. [Multiple people laugh.] And I was like, “Dan! Dan! I just wanted you to look your best!” It was before a show. And then I died and they had to replace me with a body double at the last minute. Do you guys remember that? It was crazy.
dan
									
Yeah. I do. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
That was weird. And Dan, like, there’s also times where when you want attention you really want attention. But when you don’t want attention, you wanna be left alone. Kind of like a cat, too. So you are kind of like a cat.
dan
									
I am very much like a cat.
elliott
									
Dan, have you ever thought about legally changing your name from Dan McCoy to Dan McCat? [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
I have now. Well anyway. George Kennedy hears his compatriot Clu Gulager— [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] —fall overboard. And he goes to investigate—
gillian
									
Falling into water! Check three.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yep. He brings Walter— Elliott: It was while watching this movie that Frank Lloyd Wright—
elliott
									
—was inspired to create perhaps his masterwork, Fallingwater. And he was like, “What if the water fell rather than Clu Gulager?” [All laugh.] “I’ll have to express this the only way I can!”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. His first design, it looked like Clu Gulager falling into water. Dan: [Through laughter] It was called Falling Gulager. Elliott: It was originally called Falling Gulager, yeah.
elliott
									
And the people he was designing the house for were like, “I don’t want a house that looks like Clu Gulager’s falling over!” [Dan laughs at length.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: They’re also like, “Who is this?” And they’re like, “C’mon. Return of the Living Dead? He was in a lot of Westerns at one point?” Elliott: “Frank, what are you doing? Come on, Frank!” [Gillian laughs.]
elliott
									
Come on! He did a lot of TV when he was in McQ? And they’re like, “No, forget it.” And Frank Lloyd Wright’s like, “Come on! It’ll look good! It’s me, Frankie Lloyds! Come on! I make any house look good!”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the owners of the house are like— Elliott: “$29.99. Any house.”
stuart
									
“Do you think there might be some intellectual property issues by using this guy’s likeness? Maybe we should change it to water instead.” [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
And he’s like, “Oh, so you own the copyright for water? Okay! You’re the one who might get in trouble! But we’ll change it to Fallingwater. Sure.” [Gillian laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Gillian: “It’s gonna be a lot less hilarious, though!” Dan: Well anyway. Elliott: That’s—and—
elliott
									
Yeah. “This is the same thing that happened when I designed the Cluggenheim and they made me change it to the Guggenheim. Originally it was a spiral-cut Glu Gulager.” [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Gillian, I like that you’re postulating that Frank Lloyd Wright originally wanted to design buildings that were hilarious, though. [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]
gillian
									
Yeah. He was wacky! No one knew that side of him. [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
So George Kennedy and Walter find the blood on the railing and they assume he just hit his head and fell overboard but they can’t stop their escape.
elliott
									
Which is a very, very realistic thing to believe. Like, you could believe that Clu Gulager’s character, Albert, got drunk and fell overboard.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, 100%. 100%. Elliott: And hit his head. Yeah.
stuart
									
I don’t know. I mean… if I was—y’know, I’m just throwing this out there. If I was in the moment, if I was their characters, I would probably assume that he was attacked by a cat demon. His blood got poisoned. Then he fell overboard. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
I mean, that is the second-most believable thing that could’ve happened. That is what your mind would go to pretty quickly, I think, yeah.
stuart
									
‘Cause it seems like—it’s not just that he got attacked. Like, his body is reacting crazy to the wounds. At first I’m like, “Is that supposed to be like his artery pumping out blood?” But it’s not really. It’s just his neck is throbbing all strange. And then he falls overboard.
elliott
									
Yeah. There’s a lot of pulsating in the movie.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: This is a very— Dan: There is a lot of pulsating.
elliott
									
It’s a pulsation-heavy film, and Albert is our first introduction to that. But now it’s the next day, Dan. And right. They found Albert’s blood. But they’ve got bigger problems with the boat!
dan
									
Yeah. Well they can’t—Rachel can’t find Clu, sees the blood. Walter dangles the chance of getting her boat back in return for just continuing to the Caymans.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: What I love about it is— Elliott: This used to be her dad’s boat. Dan: Yes.
stuart
									
And what I love is that he’s not like, “We’ll just give you the boat back.” He’s like, “I’ll give it to you for a pretty good price.” [All laugh.]
dan
									
“In exchange for leaving this man in the sea.” But Walter’s like, “He can’t swim. He’s dead already.” And she’s like, “Okay. Fine, fine.” And—
elliott
									
Do you think behind the scenes somebody made the joke, they’re like, “All this blood on the deck? That’s quite a… Clu!”
crosstalk
									
Gillian: Oooh. Elliott: Get it? “Clue”? Stuart: Oh my god. I never thought about it. [Someone claps slowly.]
dan
									
And then they’re like, “Let’s use that in the movie!” And they’re like, “Wait. We can’t. It’s just his actor’s name, it’s not the character’s name.”
elliott
									
“Well, maybe we could change the character’s name to Clu!” “No, we called him Albert in all the previous scenes.” [Dan laughs.] “But we’ve got 20 different cats playing the same cat! You’re saying he can’t have a middle name that’s ‘Clu’? I don’t—"
stuart
									
“Yeah, and we called one guy ‘Hedgeworth’ and then we called him ‘Mike’ after a while. I mean, who cares.”
elliott
									
Yeah. And the screenwriter was like, “That’s it. I’m off the set.” And that’s why David Mamet’s name is not in the credits anymore.
gillian
									
And the two blonde women look exactly the same.
stuart
									
That’s true! [Elliott laughs.]
gillian
									
I had lots of trouble keeping who was who.
stuart
									
Is it Susan or Suzanne? When she starts to get crazier and she has her meltdown? That’s when I started to understand ‘cause her hair was like… y’know.
gillian
									
Her hair got straight. Yeah. It got straightened and sad. It was a sad, frightened hair. Didn’t have any fight left in it. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Yeah. The hair just gave up the ghost at that point. It’s—the hair went “Permanent? I don’t think so.” They did help that—Suzanne mostly wears blue and Rachel mostly wears kind of like pinkish red? Not Rachel. Bonnie. Wears kind of pinkish red? So I didn’t know their names for a lot of it so I was just like, “Ah, Blue Suit and Red Suit.” Like they’re video game characters.
dan
									
Well I mean, one of them has curly hair and one of them has straight. That’s really the way you should discern these interchangeable characters, Elliott.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Curly the Stooge has no hair. What are you talking about? Dan: Oh, that’s true. Stuart: Mm-hm.
dan
									
And Moe has a Moe haircut! Um… [Gillian laughs.]
stuart
									
Is that what it’s called?
dan
									
No.
stuart
									
When you go to the salon, that’s what you ask for?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. “Give me a Moe.” Elliott: [Laughs.] You say “Give me a Moe.” Yeah. [Gillian laughs.]
elliott
									
But that is what mohair suits are made out of. It’s all hair from Moe of the—Moe Fine of the Three Stooges. Yeah. No, Moe—what was his last name?
crosstalk
									
Gillian: Howard. Moe Howard. Larry Fine. Elliott: Moe Howard! Thank you. Larry Fine.
elliott
									
Moe Howard’s hair. And there’s a limited supply of that, so at some point you will not be able to get mohair suits anymore ‘cause they’ll have run out of Moe’s hair. It’s like helium or tungsten that way? It’s just a natural resource we’re running through very quickly.
stuart
									
Yeah. That was one of the things that—
dan
									
Hair keeps growing a little bit after death so they keep [through laughter] digging up Moe? [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Well that was the thing. Ethan Hawke was in First Reformed, he was watching sad videos of mohair suits going away and that’s what really made him flip, y’know.
elliott
									
That’s what made him possibly commit a terrorist act, yeah.
dan
									
Okay. I’ve wanted to get along to this next scene for a while ‘cause this scene is inexplicable to me. This is one of these horror movie “I’m gonna make a big leap” scenes. ‘Cause Hedgeworth comes in with some of Albert’s blood he’s gotten off of the railing— [Gillian laughs.] —and he uses a sextant as a microphone—microscope to examine it. And—
stuart
									
But that’s for cartography, Dan! A sextant?
dan
									
I guess you could use it as a microscope. But I have no idea why he thinks he’s gonna find anything. [Laughs.] What motivates him when he does—
elliott
									
He is bored on that boat, Dan, and he just wants an excuse to get close to that captain! So he’s like, “What do they have in the ship cabin? A sextant! Oh, and it means I get to say ‘sex’ in front of her. Okay, great. Done.” And then she hands it to him and he’s like, “I gotta have a reason for why I’m holding this thing.”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: “I’ll use it as a microscope?” Stuart: “Give me a prism!” [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Well he finds out the blood cell count in Albert’s blood is abnormally high. Meanwhile— [Laughs.] Content warning for attempted sexual assault. Walter comes in on Bobbie doing aerobics and first he tries to impress her by how rich he is, then he starts trying to fondle her. And assault her. But then one of the dudes jumps him.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Lance. A.C. Slater. Stuart: Uh-huh. Lance.
dan
									
And George Kennedy shoots him in the shoulder, but it stopped from killing him by the other guy—
elliott
									
Corey.
dan
									
—and the cat puppet bites George Kennedy’s Achilles tendon area and he shoots around the room wildly to try and get the cat, which runs off.
stuart
									
Yeah. Which like tears his ankle apart. It’s like the end of Pet Sematary. Right? Where—what’s that little baby? The dead baby? Bites that guy’s ankle off or whatever? [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Oh yeah.
gillian
									
Gage?
stuart
									
Thank you!
dan
									
And so his heart is racing like crazy. Like even more than you would if your Achilles tendon was bitten off by a cat.
elliott
									
It’s what George Kennedy probably looks like when he goes up a flight of stairs. [Multiple people laugh.]
gillian
									
And poor George Kennedy ‘cause you feel for him at this point of his career ‘cause he’s like, “Goddammit. I got an Oscar and now I’m in a movie where people are throwing matted—” [Dan laughs.] “—cat puppets at me?” And then he actually has to pretend to be dragged offscreen for a little bit by the cat? So you can see him kind of scootching across the floor, like, “You got the shot? You got the shot?!”
stuart
									
There’s a great—where he just starts blasting around the room and he shoots a liquor bottle and then after the liquor bottle explodes you see the cat puppet behind it. And I’m like, “Whoa!” [All laugh.] “I thought he was just shooting at liquor!” [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
And they are all very amazed that the cat—he’s like, “It was the cat! The cat!” and they’re like, “There’s no way a cat could tear through your shoe.” And that’s—
dan
									
Which is reasonable.
elliott
									
If anything, that’s the most believable thing that’s been claimed the entire movie. [Multiple people laugh.] I don’t believe Walter Graham is a millionaire, really, but I believe a cat could chew through a shoe. Y’know.
stuart
									
Yeah. Did you see that thing? It’s all buff. Like, it’s all bulked out. [Elliott laughs.] It looks like—the cat looks like that meme of the regular dog and then the big muscly, bigger brother dog. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. That cat—so the regular cat is Carrot Top, and the puppet inside its mouth is Carrot Top when he got super ripped. [Gillian laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
dan
									
Now, Rachel wants to send out a Mayday, but Walter takes the gun and shoots the radio, insisting they still go to the Caymans. And presumably in Chicago, Gillian and her husband take a drink. [Gillian makes gulping noise.] And—
gillian
									
We’re wasted by now ‘cause I think that’s like the twentieth time they’ve gone to the Caymans. “Nothing’s gonna stop me from getting to the Caymans!” Oscar-winner George Kennedy said. Before being fake-dragged off-screen by a dust-mite-ridden cat. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
By a cat puppet inside another cat puppet.
gillian
									
Double puppet.
dan
									
But they managed to turn the tables on Walter, take the gun. But the engine will not start. And Hedgeworth informs everyone—
elliott
									
We do—wait. And the captain says the immortal line—I think it’s in The Wild Bunch—“If he moves, shoot his balls off.” And that’s how that scene ends.
dan
									
Hedgeworth tells everyone they’re dealing with a mutant cat infection based on the blood he found. [Elliott laughs.] Again, a big leap. But they’re like, “Oh, yeah, it’s a lab cat. That makes sense.” And something starts pressing out of George Kennedy’s sort of chest stomach area? As if like an alien’s gonna pop up? But nothing pops out. He just dies. And then there’s a—sorry.
gillian
									
Strangely—whenever they start being infected from now on, it looks like they’re growing a testicle somewhere out of part of their body. [Multiple people laugh.] Like, it doesn’t look scary. It looks like—“Is that what the mutant cat does? Is that its special power?”
elliott
									
It has this ability to create instant goiters in human beings. That’s its amazing mutant power in the lab. I wonder if the Pentagon was like, “This is the future of warfare. Cats and when they bite you, you get goiters and testicles all over your body. Make it happen! Come on.”
stuart
									
Yeah. It makes weird bulges and it also makes your veins pop out. And I’m like, I’m sure you guys are like me. You’re like, “Kinda wish that cat would bite my forearms, right?” [Multiple people laugh.] “Really make ‘em extra-vascular, right?”
elliott
									
Not really, but—and Hedgeworth is also like—oh, by the way, if the cat ate food it would probably contaminate the food. Which—it’s not really based on anything.
dan
									
Yeah. I thought that was later on. But anyway. The point is, yeah. No. Like, yeah. The infections are all, like, they’ve put a bladder under the fake skin and are squeezing air into it from off camera just to make the skin pulse. But George Kennedy dies. There’s a kind of funny shot of all of them from a dead body POV looking up at all the people looking at him. And then a cut to them throwing him off the boat. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Well they wrapped him in a sheet. They bury him at sea. Y’know.
stuart
									
Yeah. It’s the first of multiples that they [inaudible].
elliott
									
And they go, “He’s at the Caymans in heaven now.” [Multiple people laugh.]
gillian
									
“He did make it to the Caymans.” [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
I wish one of those—“Maybe the Caymans was inside all of us the whole time.” [Multiple people laugh.] Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Dan: So Hedgeworth and Rachel— Elliott: [Through laughter] Turns out the real Caymans was the friends we made along the way. Stuart: Yeah. [Gillian laughs.]
dan
									
They’re trying to fix the boat. The preppy kid’s chatting with Walter, who gives him a fancy watch to show off how rich he is and then opens a wall safe to show all the money and he’s bribing the kid to help him get to the Caymans. And yeah, this is where they find some food crumbs and Hedgeworth makes the leap that if you eat food that the cat ate, you’ll mutate as well. Um…
elliott
									
It’s too bad they didn’t have the budget to have people turn into cats when they mutated. That would’ve been better if it was like people started turning into cat people?
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
There’s no joke there. I think that would’ve been a better movie. And I woulda called it Yacht Cats.
dan
									
Mm-hm. Curse of the Yacht Cat People?
elliott
									
Curse of the Yacht Cat People. Which would be a more accurate title— [Gillian laughs.] —since again, everyone has been invited onto this yacht. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Suzanne and the preppy dude make out and he’s bragging about how he’s got it all worked out.
stuart
									
Yeah. He’s been seduced by Walter’s honeyed words, right?
dan
									
Yeah. The engine’s not starting.
stuart
									
He Grima Wormtongue’d him a little bit.
dan
									
Mm-hm. This is the make-out portion of the movie ‘cause also Bobbie and the guy who got shot make out.
elliott
									
Lance.
crosstalk
									
Dan: And he’s talking about— Gillian: Boy, do they make out. Whoo!
gillian
									
That was—the foley operator went into overtime on the tongue noises. [Multiple people laugh.] On that one. That was—
elliott
									
I did not expect to see their tongues just like literally caressing each other like it was an Æon Flux cartoon. Just kinda like all over each other.
dan
									
I made a student film when I was in college where it had extreme close-up of kissing that was deliberately supposed to be gross?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Like, the whole point of it was that it was gross? Stuart: Sure. He says, after the fact. [Gillian laughs.]
dan
									
And this was like that.
elliott
									
It’s kind of like—and this may be saying too much about me—it’s kind of like the kissing you see in pornography where it’s—for—somehow, it’s the most obscene thing about what you’re watching? [Dan laughs.] Is this kind of like over-the-top tongue kissing? And you’re like, ugh. Now I feel weird. [Multiple people laugh.] [Through laughter] This is—
dan
									
So he’s talking about how he can’t feel his arm, so she moves the sheet to look at it and the cat is there, gnawing at his fingers. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah. It’s awesome.
crosstalk
									
Dan: And— Elliott: That’s the best moment— Stuart: We’ve all been there, right?
elliott
									
That’s the best moment in the whole movie is how they didn’t notice that this cat was just chewing on his fingers. [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
And so he knows that he’s poisoned and so in sort of a combination of like a noble sacrifice and just panicking, he jumps off the boat but he also [through laughter] knocks Bobbie off. And Hedgeworth—
stuart
									
Now this is a serious question, guys. So he is freaking out. He keeps saying, over and over, he keeps complaining about his “poisoned blood.” Do you think—okay. Do you think this is a reference to the 2017 EP by the band Witch Vomit titled Poisoned Blood? Like, was it a little Easter egg for fans?
dan
									
A—wait. When did it come out? [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
2017
dan
									
Yeah. I think the answer’s in the question, as they sometimes say.
stuart
									
So it was like a Nostradamus thing where it predicted it?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Yeah. Stuart: Okay, cool.
elliott
									
Much as in Gillian’s new show, Utopia, there is a comic book that seems to have clues to future events. In this movie, there are a number of hidden clues to future death metal releases? [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Yep.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. So they—the other guys— Stuart: And by the way, good guess, dude! It is a death metal release! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
I mean, I don’t know if that’s so much a guess as like a context clues knowing what you listen to, but, y’know.
stuart
									
Yeah. That’s fair. That’s fair.
dan
									
They dive in trying to find Bobbie, but she apparently cannot swim. She is gone as well. And Suzanne starts to panic. They’re all going to die on the boat, which seems reasonable. Unreasonable is she starts throwing accusations around that other people are at fault for bringing the cat on board? Walter is released from quarters because they need help to find the cat and the preppy and Walter are looking around the boat, leaving poisoned sardines everywhere. At one point the prep kid says “The hunt is still the hunt.” I don’t know what that means. [Gillian laughs.]
elliott
									
He’s just trying to look cool in front of Walter Graham at this point.
stuart
									
That’s the thing. Even though he knows that he doesn’t wanna impress him, he still kinda does? Like it’s a subconscious thing.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Mm-hm. Gillian: Probably.
elliott
									
And this is when we see my second—no, actually, this is my first favorite meal in the movie. Even more so than the inexplicable banana that Walter Graham is eating at the party earlier. When the captain is—there’s not a lot of food left, and so she’s serving Suzanne and Walter Graham handfuls of cereal and half-full glasses of champagne?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Through laughter] That’s their dinner. Dan: Yeah. Cornflakes and champagne is their dinner.
gillian
									
Well ‘cause they’ve also run out of fresh water? Which no one seems at first very concerned about at all. Like, they’re more concerned about the breakfast cereal shortage than they are about the fact that they have no water and are in the middle of the ocean.
stuart
									
I feel like “Cornflakes and Champagne” is like a Joe Walsh single or something. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Or it’s like Jerry Seinfeld’s idea of a celebratory meal. Y’know.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
elliott
									
And—oh wait, Dan. Before this, did the captain and Hedgeworth have their first kiss? Or—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I can’t remember what the order is. Dan: Uh, there was some point at which he kisses her on the forehead.
dan
									
I don’t remember… other kisses. But…
crosstalk
									
Elliott: We’re getting closer. Gillian: There’s one other official kiss.
gillian
									
The official “we’re boyfriend-girlfriend” kiss. As they’re hunting the cat.
crosstalk
									
Gillian: With cornflakes. Yeah. Stuart: This was testing the waters. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
And Suzanne’s getting really jumpy in this scene and she’s like spilling champagne on her hands and licking it off and she started looking like a cat? [Multiple people laugh.] So maybe she is turning into a cat!
dan
									
Could be. So in the course of trying to find and kill the cat, the prep kid shoots a hole in the boat and then shoots a boiler, which explodes on him. And then the cat attacks him and there’s a hard cut to them throwing another body off the boat— [All laugh.] —which I thought was hilarious. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: They really should’ve made that more of a joke. Stuart: Dan—because it was obviously hilarious. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
It’s in, like, a dictionary for “comedic editing.”
dan
									
Yes. [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.] That was pretty good. The cat chews through a metal wall to get at their last cornflakes and waffle mix which they have locked up. Suzanne—
elliott
									
This millionaire’s boat, he had fresh fruit for one party and then the rest of his food stores were just like, yeah. Cornflakes and waffle mixes. [Laughs.] [Gillian laughs.]
dan
									
And these sardines that they could poison.
elliott
									
Yeah. Those might’ve come pre-poisoned! I don’t know who does this guy’s grocery shopping, but.
dan
									
At this point Suzanne has gone totally nuts and she has—she does not believe that the food is contaminated. She thinks that the others are hoarding it. And everyone’s nerves are fraying. Walter slaps Rachel, which causes her to drop her keys, which Suzanne takes to get the food.
stuart
									
That scene is like Walter gives this tour-de-force of lines. I think at one point he says, “Well at least you’re being consistent—at being a bitch.” [All laugh.] And then later on when Suzanne’s having her crazy laughing, he’s like, “What are you laughing about? You’re gonna die! Ha ha ha ha ha!” [All laugh.] That must’ve been his audition tape. I don’t know. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Well Suzanne eats the contaminated food and sure enough, her neck veins start throbbing and pop open and she’s gone, too. Unfortunately, no cut to her being thrown off the boat.
elliott
									
No. Instead there’s a hard cut to a lightning storm which—-for a moment I thought a different movie had started playing? There’s no build-up to it?
dan
									
Yeah. They discover the hole in the hull from before. The one that was shot there that has grown bigger. I had thought that the movie had forgotten that this existed, but the boat is sinking. And they’re loading some of the money into the lifeboat but Walter goes back for more and he is killed by the cat. And Hedgeworth finds him. He and Rachel get on the lifeboat and the mutant cat jumps onto the boat. [Gillian laughs.]
elliott
									
This is great.
dan
									
They throw it off [through laughter] and then it comes back on again. [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: They throw it off and then it gets— Dan: It attacks both of them in turn.
elliott
									
She’s like, “We’re okay!” And Hedgeworth goes, “I don’t think it’s over yet!” And then the cat climbs on board again. [Gillian makes cat yowling noise. All laugh.]
dan
									
And they figure out that it’s because the lifeboat is the only floating object around, so they toss one of the briefcases of money over for the cat to cling to as it floats off. [Multiple people laugh.] Like, “Bye-bye!”
stuart
									
Yeah. Cue celebratory music.
elliott
									
Yeah. And we see some—we get some very classic toy boat in a bathtub special effects here for the sinking of the yacht.
dan
									
Yes. I do believe that—I looked up some trivia for this. I think they said that the director filmed some of this in his pool, which makes sense.
stuart
									
Oh. I thought you were gonna say that the director sank a yacht for this movie. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
They sank a whole yacht.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: No, you’re thinking of Caddyshack. Dan: Wasn’t worth it. Gillian: Did not have the budget for that.
gillian
									
All the budget was going to the ADR for the cat that— [Multiple people laugh.] —including a trigger warning, I should say, if you’re annoyed by cat meows? The like trigger warning because—meow—like, onscreen. Off-screen. The cat just continues going. “Meow. Meow.” Like even when the cat is a close-up of the live cat and its mouth is clearly closed. It’s still meowing. It’s like, in addition to mutating him they taught him the ancient art of ventriloquism because he can throw his voice even. It’s—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Well it’s also like the same five meows that they just keep looping, basically? Stuart: Meowing of the horrible cat.
dan
									
Like you can tell that they just got a very few cat sounds and kept reusing them through the movie. But—
stuart
									
It’s the metronome of the movie. It’s what keeps the pace up. Keeps the tension up. It’s similar to what they did in Dunkirk is that they looped in a meowing sound in the background just to keep you tense on the edge of your seat.
elliott
									
It’s similar to in Wet Hot American Summer how they have the same sound effect of something shattering whenever things are thrown off-screen? And here’s it’s just that cat. Just that cat sound effect. And you know that they were like—the production manager was like, “This is what we can afford. We can either have one more cat sound or we can get a banana. What’s it gonna be?” And Greydon Clark’s like, “Well the banana really makes that scene. Okay. Cut the other cat sound. We’ll make do with what we have.” And then in the edit they were like, “Why did I make that choice? Why did I go with the banana instead of the cat sound?” [Laughs.] [Gillian laughs.]
dan
									
Okay. So we’re at the final couple scenes. Hedgeworth and Rachel have made it to safety. They’re talking to an official on the island. They have some of the money still from this. So they’ve come out pretty well—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —from the situation other than all the death. Stuart: There must be a million dollars, is what she says when they’re in the lifeboat—
stuart
									
—and they open the case and it’s pouring rain. Like, she doesn’t skip a beat. The thing is barely open and she already is guessing at the amount.
elliott
									
Yeah. And what they can buy with it. And they have transferred the money to the empty gym bag that they made sure to throw into the lifeboat as they were escaping a sinking ship with a monster cat on it. [Gillian laughs.] She was like, “We might have to do some shopping along the way so I guess I’ll bring this empty bag with us. Oh, thank goodness I did.”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: “Throw that in there.” Stuart: An empty gym bag, which is similar in a lot of ways—
stuart
									
—to the way that the cat’s skin is shed when the little tiny muscle cat jumps out of its body. [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
But the local officials dismiss any talk of a mutant cat as sea madness. They don’t believe it actually happened.
gillian
									
May I please add my fun fact—my Uninvited fun fact here? Which is the actor who plays the official in—where have they gone to, again?
dan
									
Did they make it to the Caymans or is it someplace else? I don’t know.
elliott
									
I didn’t recognize—I don’t know my Caribbean flags that well.
gillian
									
I wish they’d said where they were going. But is played by none other than Austin Stoker, who was Ethan Bishop in Assault on Precinct 13!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Elliott and Dan: Wow. Gillian: The best actor they have going!
gillian
									
And they gave him two lines!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: That’s great. That’s crazy. Dan: That’s terrible.
dan
									
Okay. So we cut to the briefcase. Last scene. We cut to the briefcase washed up on a beach. And a kid runs—a little boy picks up a cat, but this cat looks totally different— [Elliott laughs.] —from the other cat. It is black and shorthaired, whereas the other one was orange and longhaired. So I have no idea what’s going on here. [Gillian laughs.] What we’re supposed to take away from that. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. And then it freezes on the child making a weird face. [All laugh.] Like, not an ominous face. This is a kid who’s like, “Are we still shooting?”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And they freeze right there and we’re terrified. Dan: “This cat is happy!”
stuart
									
And then—what? Guitar sting? Credits? [Gillian makes eerie musical sound.]
elliott
									
Yeah. And mutant cat will return in Uninvited 2: Still Uninvited.
stuart
									
Still invited, at this point. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Uninvited 2: Must’ve Been Lost in the Mail. Y’know. [All laugh.]
dan
									
Guys? We’ve come to the Final Judgments portion. Is this movie—and I’m gonna use the special Shocktober categories—
elliott
									
Oh, well. Mm. It’s more appropriate this time.
dan
									
Totally scarifying, totally snoreifying, or frighteningly funny? Elliott, I’m gonna ask you first. I’m gonna switch it up.
elliott
									
Oh, okay. Well now that we’ve made it to the Cayman Islands of Final Judgment, where we’ve been heading this whole time, I’m gonna say I thought this movie was frighteningly funny. It is—especially if, like Gillian or like me, you have a weakness for ‘80s things? And things that are—every frame of it screams “it’s the 1980s”? This is especially—I don’t know. I mean, if you don’t find really weird cat demon puppets that come out of other cat puppets’ mouths but make the same sound effect over and over again—if that’s not funny to you, then maybe I don’t understand humor. [Multiple people laugh.] But I would say frighteningly funny.
dan
									
Yeah. Just really quick I’m gonna toss in frighteningly funny. I agree. Stuart, what do you say?
stuart
									
Yeah. I’m with ya. It’s so silly and yet like… there’s different—even though it’s cheap, it’s not all stuck on the same location. There’s a lot of really weird characters, a lot of weird choices. Yeah. It’s super funny.
dan
									
And Gillian, you suggested this. So I can only assume this is your favorite movie ever made.
gillian
									
[Through laughter] Yes. Yeah. I mean, I actually have a different category, actually. Which is, y’know, “Invite me! To Uninvited!” I would say. [Multiple people laugh.] If you like your ham like you like your perms—spiraled— [Multiple people laugh.] —this is the ‘80s film for you.
elliott
									
Put it on the box. Put that blurb on the box.
dan
									
That was what I was thinking. [Laughs.] Like, if they ever release Uninvited—“Bestselling author Gillian Flynn says, ‘If you like your ham like you like your perms…’” [Gillian laughs.] And people are in—I guess they’re not in a video store. They’re scrolling through and they’re like, “What? What does this mean? I don’t understand this blurb.”
stuart
									
Y’know, when you’re scrolling are there blurbs? Or do you—
dan
									
I don’t know.
gillian
									
[Through laughter] I don’t know.
dan
									
What do we do with blurbs these days?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. That was really great. I was— Elliott: Yeah. Dan. Dan. Do your tight five on blurbs.
stuart
									
It was nice to watch—it’s been a while since we’ve gotten to watch like a genuine weird cheesy ‘80s horror movie.
dan
									
Yeah. I was really—thank you for suggesting this. I’ve been wanting to see this for a while and some friends of mine actually showed it at a movie night I was at, but it was the third movie. It was starting like 1 AM. And it was at a party like—I’d been drinking. Like I feel asleep immediately. So thank you for giving me a second chance at Uninvited.
gillian
									
[Through laughter] You are welcome. Any time. I’ve got a long list of ‘80s horror films so have me on next year.
dan
									
Oh, definitely. We will hold you to that.
elliott
									
It’ll be a Shocktober tradition. And speaking of traditions—Dan, traditionally this is the part of the show where we do something else, right?
dan
									
Well let’s—
elliott
									
How’s that for a segue? How’s that for a segue? And anything can follow it! That’s right! Just come down to Kalan’s General Segues. We got segues for any occasion.
dan
									
Goddammit.
elliott
									
Please don’t—and I apologize if anyone comes down to rent a Segway for a tour. That’s not the kind of segue we have. We do not have personal mobility devices. People come by and I always am—they get so disappointed and I apologize. But if you want a conversational segue, come on down to Elliott’s Segue Rentals. You do have to return them. It’s just a rental. Return the segue that you rented.
dan
									
Okay.
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
promo
									
Music: Cheerful music plays. Dave Holmes: Are you feeling elevated levels of anxiety? [Ding!] Dave: Do you quake uncontrollably even thinking about watching cable news? [Ding!] Dave: Do you have disturbing nightmares, only to realize it's two in the afternoon and you're up? [Ding! Ding! Ding!] Dave: If you've experienced one or more of these symptoms, you may have FNO: [Censor bleep] News Overload! Fortunately, there's treatment. [Music changes, becomes more intense.] Dave: Hi. I'm Dave Holmes, host of Troubled Waters. Troubled Waters helps fight FNO. That's because Troubled Waters stimulates your joy zone. On Troubled Waters, two comedians will battle one another for pop culture supremacy. So join me, Dave Holmes, for two—two—two doses of Troubled Waters a month. The cure for your [Censor bleep] News Overload. Available on MaximumFun.org, or wherever you get your podcasts. [Music fades out.]
promo
									
Music: Relaxing ukulele music. Manolo Moreno: Hey, you've reached Dr. Gameshow. Leave your message after the beep. [Music stops.] [Beep!] Speaker: Dr. Gameshow is my favorite podcast and the only podcast my parents let me listen to, because I’m 12. But even old people love the show. Basically, you call in, play games, and have fun. If you win a game, a baby will send you a magnet in the mail. I have sooo many magnets and put them all over my locker and pretty much everyone at school is jealous because they’re very cool custom magnets and it also means that I’m really good at winning games. And they even let me practice my recorder while I was on the air! [Several notes from a recorder.] Listening to this show is like going to a real doctor, but pretty much kind of better. Dr. Gameshow rocks! [Several notes from a recorder.] [Beep!] [Music resumes.] Jo Firestone: Listen to Dr. Gameshow on Maximum Fun. New episodes every other Wednesday. [Music fades out.]
dan
									
We have a few sponsors, as always, for our show this week. Elliott, I believe you have the first advertisement.
elliott
									
I do. And I’m happy to tell people that this week, The Flop House podcast is brought to you in part by Squarespace. That’s right! The internet is all around us. And it’s time you finally got a piece of that digital world action. So what’s stopping you? You don’t know how to code? You don’t have a web design degree? You don’t know about any companies that will help you make a website without coding and a web design degree? None of those are valid excuses anymore, thanks to Squarespace! Here’s what you can do with Squarespace. You can create a beautiful website. You can turn your cool idea you’ve always wanted to reach out to the rest of the world with into its own website. It could have a blog on it. You could publish content on it. You can sell products and service of all kinds. That’s right—all kinds. And more! Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful, customizable templates created by world-class designers. The Slartibartfast of web designers. That’s a reference for Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy fans. Everything’s optimized so you can do it from mobile or desktop right out of the box. You can buy domains. You can choose from over 200 extensions. The web hosting is free and secure. Guys? I have to tell you—I took advantage of this service. I had an idea for a website based on this movie. It was called WhatsInMyCatsEsophagus.com. Cats these days? They’ve got all sorts of thing stuck in their esophaguses. Mouse chunks. Hairballs. Little demon monsters. Well, now at WhatsInMyCatsEsophagus.com, you can find out what that is! It’s your place on the internet to identify what’s in that cat’s esophagus and share pictures, videos, and reviews of your cat’s esophagus.
stuart
									
Do you scan it like a QR code or something and it tells ya? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Uh, we don’t have that technology yet. It’s more of a picture uploading site. But y’know, we’ll get to that eventually. Thanks to—
stuart
									
Yeah. I just figured we were blue-skying right now.
elliott
									
Yeah, sure, sure. No. But thanks to Squarespace, that beautiful dream of WhatsInMyCatsEsophagus.com was made into reality. So right now—before I’m even done talking—go to Squarespace.com/flop. That’s Squarespace.com/flop for a free trial. And when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code “flop” to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! Squarespace.com/flop, offer code “flop.”
dan
									
Stuart?
stuart
									
Now are you—like me, are you a cat person?
dan
									
What?
stuart
									
I don’t mean a person who’s half-cat, half-person. That would be strange.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: What a relief. Stuart: No, I’m talking about a person who loves cats.
stuart
									
Or possibly you’re trapped on a yacht with a cat, or a cat with a demon cat monster in it. Well, what I am here today to talk to you about is about a little brand called KittyPooClub.com. Kitty Poo Club provides a simple, easy, recyclable litterbox that is prefilled. It’s high quality, and affordable, and it comes with the litter of your choice. The boxes are leakproof, they’re eco-friendly, and have a fun design for every season. When the month is up, you just recycle the box and Kitty Poo Club will automatically deliver you a new one. No changing used litter and no more cleaning the box, ‘cause that’s the thing—when you’re trapped on a yacht, the last thing you wanna deal with is an overflowing litterbox.
elliott
									
Yeah. Better to just have them be delivering you litter boxes to the yacht in the middle of the ocean?
stuart
									
Exactly! That’s much—that’s a much better option! You don’t wanna run out of litter or have an overflowing box, as I’ve already mentioned. So—
elliott
									
Now Stuart, they provide everything but the poo, right? They don’t send you poo?
stuart
									
They do not provide the poo. I believe your cat creates that through natural processes. [Multiple people laugh.] So Kitty Poo Club is offering you—that’s you, right now, you—20% off your first order when you set up auto-ship by going to KittyPooClub.com and entering promo code “Flop.” F-L-O-P. Just go to KittyPooClub.com and enter the promo code “Flop” and then you get 20% off when you set up auto-ship. That’s right—KittyPooClub.com, promo code “Flop.”
dan
									
Now I have a couple of jumbotrons here. The first one is for Peter Reagan—or perhaps Reegan—I’m not sure. It’s from Tom. And Tom writes, “Oh, honored eldest brother. I hope you have time to listen to podcasts while on lockdown with two kids, or I just burnt $100!” [All laugh.]
stuart
									
That’s a reasonable fear!
dan
									
Yeah. “Between you living in Ohio, my realizing that I’m an alcoholic, and COVID-19, we probably won’t make it to Hinterlands for a drink any time soon.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: That’s my bar! Dan: “So I figured this was the next best thing.”
dan
									
“Maybe Stu can recommend a mocktail.” Do you have a mocktail for them?
stuart
									
Ooh, a mocktail. Uh, that’s a little difficult since I normally just pour a ton of booze in a glass with ice and then drink it while crying, but… let’s see. I would do a splash of—I would do ginger beer. I would do a splash of… pineapple juice. And I would do… some whipped cream.
dan
									
Oh nice. Okay. [Elliott laughs.] Interesting.
stuart
									
It’s a treat.
dan
									
[Through laughter] It is a treat. [Elliott laughs.] Now this next message is for Mitchell, last name withheld, from Jacob, last name withheld. And the message is: “Hey, bud! Smalltember and/or -vember has come and gone, and Shocktober is ripe in the air. You know what that means—your birthday! What better way to celebrate than a shoutout straight from a Flopper’s mouth.” Specifically me, in this case. “Thanks for being an awesome brother and an even better Dungeon Master! May this year bring good health and good fortune. Catch you on the flippety-flop!”
crosstalk
									
Dan: So those are— Stuart: That is—
stuart
									
The role of Dungeon Master is more important than brother, right?
dan
									
Well you’re guiding them, like, through life. I don’t guide my brothers at all through—
elliott
									
Well you’re the younger brother, Dan. So it would be strange if you were guiding your brothers.
dan
									
I mean… you haven’t ever met my brothers, so. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
I mean, I haven’t met them, actually, now that I think about it. And I often guide my brother, which is why I was able to mold him into my exact opposite—a sports-loving slob. I shouldn’t say slob. A sports-loving, uh, let’s just say, uh…
dan
									
Uh… he was a little slobby. But then he, y’know, the love of a good woman turned him around, I think.
elliott
									
That’s true. She’s fighting me for control of him now. And I am not liking it. So.
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean when he was born you saw him as a tabula rasa, right? Like a real fixer-upper?
elliott
									
I saw him as a tabula Ra’s al Ghul. I thought he was a blank slate that I could turn into a Batman villain. [Laughs.] Named “The Sportsman.” Now he’s a Batman villain who’s themed around sports, but mainly sports bar trivia. So he steals things—
stuart
									
I mean, I assumed that from the title.
elliott
									
And he’s like, “Batman, I’ll give back the diamond if you can answer this question: Which teams played in the 31st Super Bowl?” And Batman would be like, “Uh, I don’t know. I’m not really into sports.” And that would be the end of the adventure.
stuart
									
Yeah. And then he’s like, “But you probably own at least one sports team, right?”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: “I mean, that just goes—” Elliott: He’s like, “Just in the WNBA. I really wanna give those ladies a shot.”
elliott
									
“We gotta expand the audience base.”
elliott
									
And the Sportsman’s like, “Mm, I respect that.”
stuart
									
Okay. Cool. So we have a whole character fleshed out. I guess we’re just waiting on a phone call from DC Comics? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Or Warner Brothers. Maybe they just wanna put him straight in the movies. The Sportsman.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: David would play it himself. Stuart: Oh wow. Straight to the movies, huh?
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. Guys? We have another announcement to make. This episode is being released the morning of October 24th—Saturday, October 24th—which happens to be the same day when we will be doing our newest Flop House Live Zoom Show! That’s right—it’s The Flop House, live, in your home, tonight! October 24th at 9PM Eastern/6PM Pacific. Just go to the Flop House YouTube page where it will be streaming. We’re gonna be talking about The Exorcist II: The Heretic. And we’ll also be raising money for charity! Like during our Howard the Duck show. You guys were super generous and super attentive during that last show. We really appreciate it. Please join us tonight, October 24th, 9PM Eastern/6PM Pacific for The Exorcist II: The Heretic. It’ll be just like a regular Flop House live show. We’re each gonna do presentations. We’ll talk about the movie. And then at the end—in lieu of a question and answer, we’ll be taking questions over Twitter that we will answer in real time. That’s right—not fake time! Real time. So that’s tonight. If you’re listening to this episode after October 25th—or October 24th, rather—then the show will—if it’s not up on the YouTube channel to watch on its own, will still be up. You will not be able to interact with us because it will no longer be live.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Send those questions to Twitter—yeah. Stuart: Uh-huh. You can attempt to interact. You can shout at the screen, but no one will hear you. Yeah. Dan: Or at an uncaring God. Elliott: We won’t hear you. Yeah.
elliott
									
And I will find your questions on Twitter and I will print them out and then throw them over my shoulder, laughing, because I don’t have to answer them. So that’s Flop House Live, tonight, October 24th—The Exorcist II: The Heretic. Be there… and be [spooky voice] scaaared! Maybe?
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Yeah!
stuart
									
We’ll find out.
elliott
									
I also wanna mention that I have my new children’s book, Sharko and Hippo. It’s in stores now. Order it through your local independent bookstore!
stuart
									
Yeah! Do it! And if you wanna support any of—either of my two bars, you can go to either Hinterlands Bar or Minnie’s Bar and pick up to-go drinks or sit in their patio. I’m assuming. Unless things change in the next week or so. And you can also email HinterlandsBarMerch@gmail.com because we are selling t-shirts and hoodies over the internet. Currently we’re only shipping to the US but that might change depending on whether or not we get Stamps.com. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. And I’ll say, y’know, like, Stuart’s—Stuart’s probably loathe to make too naked a plea, so I will make a naked plea.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Thank you. Uh-huh. Literally. Yeah. Dan: I know it’s a hard time for— [Laughs.] Yeah. It is. I’ve seen him in so few clothes. Elliott: It’s the only thing that Stuart is loathe to do naked.
dan
									
But like it is a hard time for people in the restaurant and bar industry, so if you can support those enterprises in any way you can, please do. And… now, we shall return to the fun parts of the show!
dan
									
This is Letters! A part of the show where we read letters! From you, listeners! Not you, specifically, necessarily. Unless we read your letter.
elliott
									
Possibly. Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Who knows. Stuart: Yeah. Dan pulls out the giant mailbag that you have in your apartment.
elliott
									
At 123 Fake Street. And you pull out a random letter that you have not pre-screened in any way—
dan
									
And I say, “All for Santa Claus!” This is from John, last name withheld, who writes: “At dinner tonight, my wife said she was in the mood for an ‘80s movie.” Hey! ‘80s movie! “So we settled on Footloose. I searched YouTube for a clip of the excellent opening theme because I wanted to announce our decision on Facebook, knowing that all my friends and family really care a lot about what movie we’re gonna watch tonight.” [Elliott laughs.] “Anyway. I came across the trailer for the 2011 Footloose remake that I didn’t even know existed. It has Dennis Quaid as the reverend originally played by John Lithgow, and an otherwise-unremarkable cast. There are shot-for-shot cuts along with dialogue and sequences straight from the original. The main difference that I could see was more twerking and—on a positive note—some roles for minority characters that aren’t just extras.”
elliott
									
I wish—wait. Knowing there’s twerking in it now, I wish they’d just gone all the way and called it Buttloose.
dan
									
Mm-hm. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I don’t like— Elliott: They updated that movie. Stuart: That was the one that was directed by—
stuart
									
—the Hustle & Flow guy, right?
dan
									
Uh, Craig Brewer? I think so. I think you’re right. I don’t like putting the worse “butt” and “loose” together [through laughter] for the title of a movie, Elliott. I gotta say.
elliott
									
I mean, it’s everyone’s dream for the business they do with their butt to be loose and easy. To have a simple flow that doesn’t need to be thought about.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, goddammit. No! Stop it! No. Stuart: Uh-huh. Elliott: Hi! I’m Elliott Kalan. For a constipation aid. Have you ever—yeah?
dan
									
John continues: “I know that Footloose is one of the pinnacles of Western artistic expression, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why it needed a remake. I’m guessing it’s some sort of nostalgia cash-in targeted at Gen X-ers and older Millennials. A part of me wants to see it out of curiosity, but if I ever do, I will not be paying for it. What would you say is the most unnecessary remake and/or what’s a remake that never needed to be made, but actually turned out to be a good movie? John, last name withheld.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Huh. I mean, I’m gonna answer— Dan: I mean, we’ve—
stuart
									
—why it got remade. I think it’s money. I think it’s ‘cause they owned it and they wanted to make money off of it.
elliott
									
Well they said, “Here’s a name that exists already, so we’re taking less of a chance with it than we would with a new thing.” Much like they thought when they made the original Footloose, which was a remake of… and they searched through their files and they said, “It’s not a remake of anything! How is that possible? Why is this paperwork missing?” It reminds me of my imaginary conversation with J.J. Abrams when that second Star Trek movie came out, where I was like, “You could come up with a new bad guy. Like you don’t have to use Khan. It could be like another bad guy.” And he said, “This is just something in your imagination. I don’t have a response to that.” And I said, “Then I consider it a win!” And I turned over and went to sleep. But Stuart, what’s a remake you think is unnecessary?
stuart
									
I mean, we did the RoboCop remake here on the show and it was pretty bland and RoboCop is such a singular, wonderful experience. It obviously didn’t need to be remade.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: What about you guys? I will say that a remake— Dan: I’m gonna—I’m gonna—
stuart
									
—that—or a remake, I guess, or reimagining that works is the new Suspiria, which I love.
dan
									
Oh yeah. That’s a really good one. I—yeah. I’m gonna answer the second question ‘cause I found that easier to think about. The Ocean’s Eleven remake is so much superior to the first one that people forget that there was a first one. Like the first one’s just like the Rat Pack hanging out? And like there’s a certain… pleasant…ness to that? And it’s got a great ending? But otherwise it’s just kind of… y’know… interminable. Whereas the Soderbergh one is breezy and fun.
elliott
									
Is that the one where—at the end of it—at the end of the original—Frank Sinatra sees the Statue of Liberty at the New York, New York Casino and realizes it was Earth the whole time?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yep. Yep. Dan: Yup. Yup. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
I was thinking about the—I mean, there’s a lot of unnecessary remakes. ‘Cause there’s almost never—nothing has to be remade. There’s almost never a movie where like the world would be out of joint if something wasn’t remade. But I threw my mind back to Gus Van Sant Psycho remake, which I know he was doing as kind of like an art experiment, I guess? But it was really… it was a strange choice to remake a very good movie shot-for-shot, and only to add that—the only thing you’re adding is that Vince Vaughn masturbates where Norman Bates did not masturbate on camera. When—
stuart
									
Uh-huh. But his last name is “Bates,” Elliott. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Good point. That’s a good point. [Gillian laughs.]
stuart
									
That’s just money on the table.
elliott
									
But it feels like if he had remade—like, there’s something about remaking a not good movie shot-for-shot. I mean, like… I don’t—I was not the hugest fan of The Disaster Artist movie? But taking something that—where you have to really try hard to remake the mistakes in something is kind of an interesting idea? But there’s a bunch of movies where the remakes—it didn’t have to be remade, but the remake of 3:10 to Yuma? Is a real strong Western adventure. And there was no need for Peter Jackson to make a new King Kong, but I actually liked that new King Kong a lot.
stuart
									
And you loved the remake of Taking of Pelham 123, right? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Not—would not fall in that category. Not a fan of that one. The movie that inexplicable decides to show you an out-of-control train by using slow motion to show the train going around a corner. And like the new Planet of the Apes movies. Like, the old Planet of the Apes movies are great, but the new ones—they took it in a new direction. I mean the new-new ones, not the Tim Burton Planet of the Apes. Which has amazing costumes but doesn’t really make sense as a movie. Uh, Gillian, do you wanna join us in possibly offending people we may wanna work with in the future— [Gillian laughs.] —by slagging their remakes?
gillian
									
I will go with one that I just didn’t see ‘cause the original is so dear to me, which is Point Break. [Unanimous agreement from the hosts.] So I have not seen—I should say I have not seen the remake. But I’ve just sort of like—I just don’t know what else I would want. Y’know. And y’know, and anytime anyone says, y’know—well, not any time. But a lot of the times when they say, y’know, “CGI has come so far”? For me it’s not necessarily—with stunts and special effects—is not necessarily a selling point. ‘Cause y’know, I think stuff like John Carpenter’s The Thing—like, to me, I don’t wanna see that remade with all the latest, y’know, evolution of CGI. Like I love the way it was done. To me it’s oftentimes scarier. But with that, with Point Break, I was like, I don’t know. I just… I love the original so much that I—there’s some where I’m just like, even if it’s wonderful I’m still gonna be watching it with my arms crossed, so.
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Yeah. Dan: Well and also the practical effects— Stuart: I’m totally with you.
dan
									
—in something like The Thing, even now I watch it and like, y’know, I know that they’re effects. But the physicality—like, not only are they scary but the physical nature of them makes me watch it and think, like—
crosstalk
									
Dan: “How did they do that?” Gillian: How did they do it? Stuart: Yeah, yeah.
dan
									
Those are still incredible and baffling.
stuart
									
I mean, I don’t wanna get into a physical versus—practical versus digital effects argument. But the—oftentimes I think that the limitations can cause some interesting creative choices that—like Jaws, for instance.
crosstalk
									
Gillian: Right. I was about to say, like, Bruce the shark. Stuart: You wouldn’t wanna see a Jaws remake—
stuart
									
—where you’re like, “But this time you get to see a shitload of that cool-ass shark!” [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
But on the other hand I heard recently that Billy Crystal’s finally gonna remake Forget Paris, taking advantage of CGI to really do what he couldn’t do in the original. And I can’t wait to see how he takes advantage of it.
stuart
									
Okay, guys. The four of us have been tasked. We have just been hired to remake Uninvited.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Who do we cast? Dan: Oh, boy. [Gillian laughs.]
stuart
									
What are we doing?
elliott
									
Well are we going to change the story at all or are we using the same screenplay? [Dan laughs.] ‘Cause it seems like there’s some script issues that we might have to deal with. [All laugh.] Before we get to casting.
stuart
									
Maybe. I mean, what, more broadly drawn character types? [Gillian laughs.]
dan
									
Bigger teeth for Clu Gulager’s character. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Is that in the script or is that part of the casting process?
elliott
									
That’s— [Multiple people laugh.] In the original script it says, “Albert, 50, a henchman with huge teeth.” And Clu Gulager was like, calling his agent and was like, “I don’t think I have big enough teeth for this role.” [All laugh.] “Clu, don’t worry. They’ll figure it out. They really want you to read for this part.” “Okay, but how do I get across the big teeth?” “Clu, you’re the artist. Just figure it out.” [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
“Y’know, just like a physical transformation. Maybe by the way you hunch your back will make your teeth look bigger.”
elliott
									
“It’ll make your teeth more prominent.” [Laughs.]
dan
									
Okay. Moving on to the next and final letter. Chris, last name withheld, writes: “Hey, Peaches.”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Hey, Chris. Dan: “And [inaudible]—"
dan
									
“—I recently saw The Taking of Pelham 123 and realized how much I loved the film’s use of New York City’s geography and infrastructure.”
stuart
									
Hey, wait, pause. I have an idea for this remake.
crosstalk
									
Dan: What? Elliott: Okay. Stuart: Now the big difference is in—
stuart
									
—at the very end when, y’know, they’ve already punched the cat monster off the rowboat once. He climbs back up and he’s like, they’re like, “Oh no, it’s not over yet!” Then the cat monster opens his mouth and there’s a second cat monster inside his mouth. [All laugh.] That’s how you know it’s not your daddy’s Uninvited.
elliott
									
Yep. Extra cat monsters.
dan
									
[Laughs.] Uh, it’s cat monsters all the way down. Uh, “I recently saw The Taking of Pelham 123, 1974—“ the writer clarifies.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: The classic one. The original. Yeah. Dan: The original.
dan
									
Likes the “use of New York City’s geography and infrastructure. I’ve often found films that really play with the city’s geography particularly engaging and exciting, including Dirty Harry in San Francisco—albeit a problematic film,” as he says, “and Motherless Brooklyn with New York. Are there any movies you think are especially effective in the way they use the geography and space of their location? Thank you, Chris, last name withheld.” I will pander to our guest for a moment. I don’t know in Widows whether it was in the screenplay or a directorial choice, but I found very striking the scene where they’re driving from the underprivileged neighborhood to the much-more privileged neighborhood where—is it Colin Farrell’s character? Lives?
gillian
									
Yeah.
dan
									
And the camera remains outside of the car for the entire conversation and you can see the neighborhoods change. And I thought that was a very striking choice that was made.
gillian
									
Why thank you. [Dan laughs.] I—yeah, no. I mean, I live in Chicago and Steve wanting to film it in Chicago, I just, for me Chicago’s just such a great—that’s why—I mean, it—I think Widows came out right when I was trying to convince Amazon that we could film the Utopia in Chicago? And I think, y’know, Widows is such a dirty Valentine to Chicago. The city has such strange and layered architecture and y’know it basically is a prairie town with skyscrapers. So the shadows and the light at certain times are just—you can use them so well. And the different neighborhoods are so distinctive. Even movies like The Fugitive that use Chicago and use it well are—y’know, some of those little locations that they go to are, y’know, is like you would only find that building in Chicago. So it’s why I always get so disappointed when you see a movie and it’s like, “Skyline of Chicago” and then a camera goes down and you’re like, “That’s Toronto! That’s not Chicago!”
stuart
									
Yep. They’re eating hot dogs with poutine all over ‘em and you’re like— [All laugh.] “Fuck this!”
dan
									
And you’re like, “There should be celery salt on that! Not poutine!” [All laugh.]
elliott
									
“Why aren’t they eating pizza stew? What’s going on?” [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
I also wanna say, this is—I feel like a less-seen movie than I would like. I really like Premium Rush. Elliott and I saw it when we were at a convention. Talked it up. And then one of our coworkers saw it and would not stop talking about how much he hated Premium Rush and how he thought we were idiots. But I love that movie—
elliott
									
For weeks! For weeks he was mad at us for recommending that movie to him! [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
But what I liked about that movie was—look. It doesn’t matter. They make up the geography all the time. But one of the fun things about it is how accurate that movie is about New York geography? For a movie that’s all about, like, getting from uptown to downtown they are very careful about that and it’s part of the fun, I think.
elliott
									
I was gonna mention Premium Rush also. I know New York’s geography much better than other places, just because I lived there for so long? But like also the way The Warriors uses New York? Where—I remember like they would show The Warriors on MonsterVision and Joe Bob Briggs would follow along with their journey on a map of New York’s Subway system. They’d show you, “They’re at this point now. They’re at this point now.” It really like—they did such a good job of really sticking the story to where they were gonna be at any given point. Y’know. But it’s—y’know, I’m sure there are other places where they do that, too. Like I’m sure in—like, I don’t know. Maybe in—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: If I knew Tokyo, I’d be like— Stuart: Well, and I like—I like—
elliott
									
“Oh yeah, Gojiro really gets across the—he starts here and he goes here!” Y’know.
stuart
									
And I’m a sucker for any kind of thriller that really takes advantage—like, really establishes the geography of the space that they’re using. Whether it’s something on a smaller level like Panic Room that’s all in a brownstone, or something like Tremors where you’re like—you gotta know exactly how far you gotta run so you don’t get gobbled up by one of those graboids, y’know?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Mm-hm. Dan: [Through laughter] Mm-hm.
gillian
									
I love—I’m a big fan of movies where they clearly, y’know, got some sort of tax break incentive for acting as a tourist sort of thing? Like I love Brainstorm, the Christopher Walken/Natalie Wood movie? Which was filmed in Durham. And like, they use so many—they’re like, “Meet me at the statue of so-and-so. That’s in the beautiful park near—” [Multiple people laugh.] And they’re constantly meeting at these places where it’s like, y’know, you’re meeting at old, ancient statues. Or at one point Christopher Walken rides his recumbent bike through town? So you’re literally getting an incredibly long scene where he’s riding through beautiful Durham. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
I don’t think I’ve ever seen that movie. I’m gonna have to check it out. Y’know, so that I can prepare for a future trip to Durham. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
That’s all you need.
gillian
									
See what you gotta see!
elliott
									
You can finally achieve your dream of opening up the Brainstorm tour of Durham. Where you just take people around to all the sites from the movie.
stuart
									
Uh, yeah. I mean, well my plan is to take at least one visit. Pick out a location. Find some nice real estate. And then open up a bar that sells “Dark ’N’ Brainstormies.” [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Okay. Well we’re in the home stretch now. We’re gonna do the final segment of our show, which is Recommendations. Y’know… watch Uninvited. A lot of fun. But also maybe check out one of these movies. I’ll kick us off. I went upstate recently. It was the first time I left Brooklyn since quarantine happened.
stuart
									
So are you recommending going on a vacation? Or— [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
I’m recommending getting the hell out. Uh—
elliott
									
So my movie is the Hudson Valley!
dan
									
No, but I went to a drive-in movie. It was great. It was the first theater experience that I’ve had since everything shut down. And yet again I fell asleep for the later movie, but I watched the first movie, which was Hocus Pocus, which I had not ever seen because I was a little too old for it and I had no younger siblings. But—and also at the time, all of the reviews were pretty bad. But then it became, like, sort of a cult favorite of Millennials. And I always assumed it was another Space Jam. I always assumed— [Elliott laughs.] —it was not a good movie. A movie that I would be like, “Why do you like this?” But I watched it and it’s so much weirder than I thought it would be. Like, all of the witches are so much fun. There is a joke involving a lobster that just lasts for—like, it’s a very short joke but it’s so funny. I laughed so hard. I don’t know. It’s just—if you’ve never seen it, I think it’s probably a different movie [through laughter] than you’re assuming. It is a strange movie and also a movie that’s unafraid to get dark for a children’s movie. Like, it starts out with child murder. So… [Gillian laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: That’s my blurb for the— [Laughs.] Elliott: And it only gets funnier from there!
dan
									
—_H_ocus Pocus box. “Starts out with child murder!” But I really enjoyed it. So if you missed it, Hocus Pocus. [Long pause.] Elliott!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Well. Dan: Elliott. Stuart!
stuart
									
Well, what am I gonna recommend?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: No, no, Dan said Elliott! Yeah, you go, Stuart. Stuart: Oh, okay! I guess…
stuart
									
I guess Elliott will go. Do you have—I don’t know. I was gonna talk about a movie that I was actually in. Is that fair? Is that allowed? I don’t know?
elliott
									
Is it a movie you like? Would you recommend it if you weren’t in it?
stuart
									
Uh, yeah. I would—I think! I mean, it’s tough because I can’t really pull myself out of it. But uh… [Elliott laughs.] I mean, I feel like I have to recommend it now that I’ve started talking about it.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Alright, stop bickering and talk about it. [Gillian laughs.] Elliott: I think so. I think so.
elliott
									
And it is Shocktober! It’s the perfect time for a movie that I assume is horror-y?
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. I’m gonna recommend a movie that I am very briefly in. I get one line and some sound effects in a scene. [Laughs.] A scene at the Galactic Council on the planet of Gygax. The movie is called Psycho Goreman, directed by a buddy of mine and friend of the podcast Steven Kostanski. He directed The Void, Manborg. He directed a short in one of The ABCs of Death. And it is a monster movie with a ton of big splatter-y monster effects. It is about two kids who find a exiled alien overlord who they name “Psycho Goreman,” or PG for short. And because they—
elliott
									
Which is also what the movie is rated, I assume.
stuart
									
I mean, that’s—it’s—it says it on the poster. You’d have to look at the much smaller letters to see the actual rating. [Elliott laughs.] And I mean, why would you look down there when you could be looking at the cool monsters on the poster? So they find his amulet and they can take control of him and so despite the fact that he wants to destroy the universe, he has to do the bidding of these children. And it’s a lot of fun and it’s gross and it’s kinda like if… it’s kinda like a cross between Suburban Commando and a Power Rangers episode that was also super gory. It’s a lot of fun. Check it out. I think it’s gonna be coming to streaming sometime next year—to Shudder—right now you can see it at select movie festivals. Psycho Goreman.
dan
									
Mmm. Elliott?
elliott
									
Should I go next? Okay. I’m gonna recommend not exactly a horror movie, but a movie that is frightening in what it says about the way power corrupts and politics inevitably, y’know, goes bad. It’s the movie Danton, starring Gerard Depardieu from 1983. This is directed by the Polish director Andrzej Wadja—I’m sure I’m mispronouncing his name—but it’s a French-language movie. And it’s the story of Danton, the French Revolutionary, and the end of his life as he was tried for treason by the men that he once worked with. And eventually executed. Spoiler alert: that’s what happened in real life. And it’s a kind of a story about what happens when people who are in power become so attached to their ideology that they say they’re doing everything and believe they’re doing everything for the good of “the people” and either don’t notice or don’t care to notice that what they’re doing is crushing those people. And it felt very relevant in many ways to what’s going on now, but it’s also, y’know, a movie with a lot of great performances. The guy who plays Robespierre in it, who is a Polish actor whose name I cannot remember, is really fantastic in it. And it’s a—y’know, just kind of a frightening movie about how a political system can get overtaken and twisted into a way that’s ultimately terrible for everybody. One warning: there is a scene of a young boy in a bath. So if you don’t want to see a young boy in a bath, I guess don’t see the movie. I just don’t want you to be thrown by it, as I was. The purpose of the scene is that he’s being forced at all times to learn the new French legal code, even when he is bathing? But it was just kind of weird to see a naked kid in a movie, not realizing it would be there. So now I’ve warned you and you can see it. [Stuart laughs.] And that’s Danton.
dan
									
And Gillian, do you have a recommendation?
gillian
									
I have one I watched just recently with my son. ‘Cause I was about his age when I saw it in the movie theaters—Cloak & Dagger!
dan
									
Oh yeah!
gillian
									
It is—I didn’t know—y’know, I didn’t know if it was gonna hold up or if I’d still like it and we both had so much fun. It’s a young Henry Thomas from E.T. and Dabney Coleman as his dad. And he basically—the kid is—his mom has passed away. His dad is a workaholic and is always busy and he has this character that he’s infatuated with who comes to life in his imagination but you can see him, and he’s also played by Dabney Coleman. And Henry Thomas ends up getting ahold of like an Atari videogame that actually contains top secrets and is therefore chased throughout San Antonio, which made me think of it because I was recently thinking of movies that use their settings well. And they use San Antonio. By any sorts of bad guys. It’s really fun. I had quite a delightful time watching it.
dan
									
And that’s directed by Richard Franklin, who’s one of my favorite exploitation directors from Australia. He’s like a very like big Hitchcock acolyte? And Cloak & Dagger is like kid’s Hitchcock? But he did Psycho 2 and he did Link, a movie where an orangutan is in love with Elisabeth Shue, and he did Roadgames, which is like Rear Window but with a truck instead of an apartment. And I like him a lot.
gillian
									
Roadgames? I have to write that down.
dan
									
Roadgames. Yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah. Roadgames rules.
dan
									
It’s got Stacy Keech and—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And Jamie Lee Curtis, right? Dan: —uh, Jamie Lee Curtis, yeah.
gillian
									
Say no more! I’m in!
dan
									
Well—
stuart
									
Four recommendations. Stuart is only in one of them. [All laugh.]
dan
									
So choose that one first, I guess!
elliott
									
You know which one to prioritize! Yep!
stuart
									
It was pretty fun when the credits rolled and I actually saw my name in the credits. I like got up and ran around the room like Homer Simpson. [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Mm-hm. Um… hey! Shocktober’s over, but thank you so much, Gillian, for doing this! I gotta say, when you tweeted at the show and I found out that you were a listener, like, it made my month but also terrified me that I was like, what are we gonna do to lose her? Like, what— [Stuart laughs.] How are we gonna—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —fuck that up? Elliott: Oh, have her on the show and force her to sit through it! Yeah! Stuart: Let’s have Dan [inaudible] every relationship, right? Yeah. [Gillian laughs.] Dan: But thanks for coming on. Gillian: Everyone loves having writers on their shows. [Multiple people laugh.]
gillian
									
The oft-in-demand writer person. [All laugh.] But thank you.
dan
									
I have enjoyed your work so much. So it was very exciting.
gillian
									
Well thank you for having me! It was as joyful and wonderful as I had hoped and thought it would be.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Well, but we should sign off— Gillian: And happy October!
dan
									
Oh, thank you!
stuart
									
And do you wanna—I mean, do you—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —do you wanna plug anything? Dan: Oh yeah! Should you—Yeah. You’re—yes.
gillian
									
I would love to! Thank you! I have—on Amazon right now is a show that I—speaking of remakes—it’s a remake of a beloved UK cult show called Utopia. And I wrote and produced and was the showrunner. So I’m very proud of it.
dan
									
Yeah.
gillian
									
It has—stars Rainn Wilson and John Cusack.
stuart
									
I wanna say that we just—my wife and I just finished what—the first season. There’s one season up. And we loved it and I particularly wanna point out, like, the pilot is so fucking good. Like, I haven’t been hooked by the first episode of a show like that in a long time. So it’s great. Check it out.
gillian
									
Oh, thank you!
dan
									
And I wanna thank you for [through laughter] coming on the show so shortly after it premiered, when I assume you’re extremely busy. [Laughs.]
gillian
									
[Laughs.] It’s my pleasure. I always make time for my Flop House. Seriously, you guys got me—you guys were my very first podcast I ever listened to!
dan
									
What?!
gillian
									
‘Cause I had not—I, y’know, I’m a writer so I work from home so I had not understood the whole podcaster-y and then all last year when we were filming and having these insane long road trips to different locations, I would put on Flop House and so it was great to be able to like start at the beginning with you guys and listen all the way through. Oh, and my husband wanted to thank you for—he recently listened to your Hudson Hawk episode? [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Oh, fun.
gillian
									
And finally he is on board ‘cause I had listened to it a while before and it was like, “We should watch Hudson Hawk!” And he was like, “I don’t think we should! Stop making me watch Uninvited and Hudson Hawk!” [Multiple people laugh.] And he is now fully on board, so thank you guys for that.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, nice. Stuart: That’s great. Elliott: Excellent. Gillian: We’ll probably watch it soon.
dan
									
[Conspiratorially] Guys, I think I know why she likes the show! [Multiple people laugh.] It’s the first podcast she ever heard! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
She doesn’t know there are much better shows out there!
stuart
									
I mean, I feel like that’s a large part of our success, Dan. Is we’ve just been doing it a long time.
dan
									
It totally is. [Laughs.] Well anyway. Thank you to our guest. Thank you to Jordan Kauwling for editing the show. Thank you to Maximum Fun for being our network. We appreciate all of you. For The Flop House, I’ve been Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
I’m Stuart Wellington!
elliott
									
Elliott Kalan, also saying goodbye!
dan
									
And our guest—
gillian
									
I’m Gillian Flynn! Happy October!
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Byeee! Gillian: Bye!
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
elliott
									
She slips in her “watermelons being thrown into pools” sound effects CD. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She did apples being thrown into pools and we’re like, “Mm, not loud enough.” [Elliott laughs.]
music
									
A cheerful ukulele chord.
speaker 1
									
MaximumFun.org.
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
—Audience supported.
About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.
Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.