TRANSCRIPT The Flop House Ep. 315: Hawk the Slayer

“Hollywood” Kalan really worked his connections this episode, to bring us the utterly wonderful Felicia Day (of The Guild, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Supernatural, MST3K: The Return, and much more) to discuss seminal high fantasy, low budget epic “Hawk the Slayer.” Meanwhile Dan drops a crazy Pink Panther fact, Elliott launches an insulting guess-by-mail contest, Felicia is intrigued by some fish-eating prowess, and Stuart’s in this fantasy discussion like a fuckin’ fish in water.

Podcast: The Flop House

Episode number: 315

Guests: Felicia Day

Transcript

dan mccoy

On this episode we discuss: Hawk the Slayer!

elliott kalan

The movie that dares to ask the question—what if you watched your friends play D&D for an hour and a half, but you didn’t get to share their Doritos? [Someone laughs quietly.]

music

Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.

dan

Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flop House! I’m Dan McCoy.

stuart

Hey, Dan McCoy! It’s me! Stuart Wellington!

elliott

Over here is Elliott Kalan. Usually I’d waste a lot of time doing some kind of bit where I introduce my name and it takes a while? But we don’t have time for that! Because! I wanted to introduce our special guest star for this episode—an actual, honest-to-goodness, television superstar—that’s right— [Dan laughs.] Superstar, I said! You may know her as the creator and star of The Guild. You may know her as a best-selling author! You may know her—like, you do know her—as Kinga Forrester on Mystery Science Theater 3000. The return for Netflix. Very excited to have Felicia Day with us today! Thank you so much for joining us!

felicia day

Heyyyy! Thanks for having me!

crosstalk

Dan: Now, Felicia—no, sorry. I—I— [Laughs.] Well-it—no! It seemed—it seemed like she had paused, but I—yeah. Felicia: I’m really—what? What?! What, Dan? I had so much more! I had an opening monologue that I had, like.. Elliott: Dan! Dan! Our guest has barely started talking and you’ve already interrupted her! [Stuart laughs.]

dan

I—no. I’m—this is historically my job on the show, is to do things wrong. So.

felicia

Oh, okay! I’m very good. I’ve never been—I’m usually best unkempt. Like, I wanna be a street urchin for the rest of my life. Every D&D character is “street urchin.” Street urchin. And it’s just so I don’t have to do my hair and makeup.

dan

No, all I wanted to say was I, of course, uh, am the biggest fan of Felicia from her work on, uh… Buffy and Dr. Horrible. But—

felicia

Ohhh!

dan

I would be remiss in, uh, not mentioning that during the quarantine—a lotta people are doing watch-alongs. My friend had a watch-along of—for her birthday—of all of the Bring it On movies. And I was delighted— [Felicia gasps.]

crosstalk

Dan: —to see her as the goth cheerleader in the second of those films. Felicia: Ohhhhh nooo!

felicia

It was—I was a goth cheerleader healed by cheer! Like, I was the goth ballerina. Healed by cheer, basically. [Multiple people laugh.] That was… a blast from the past. That was a weird— [Multiple people laugh.] —that was a weird… that was a weird job. That’s when I did—that’s when I realized—not realized it? But I did wonder why… the director would hit on everybody. [Laughs.]

dan

Mmm.

crosstalk

Elliott and Stuart: Mmmmm.

felicia

We won’t go into that, though.

dan

You’re hearing the Hollywood goss! [Laughs.] On this show.

felicia

Yeah. Exactly. The behind-the—BTS! [Multiple people laugh.]

dan

Well, should we explain what we do or do we wanna talk about stuff?

crosstalk

Stuart: Yeah! We should—we should say what we do! Elliott: We should probably explain what we do.

elliott

I mean, Dan—how many years have we been doing this show?

dan

Uh, it is about [through laughter] twelve years, I guess?

felicia

Wow!

crosstalk

Elliott: And yet each time— Stuart: Almost thirteen!

elliott

Almost thirteen. And each time it’s as if you’ve never done it before. [Multiple people laugh.]

crosstalk

Felicia: You have a freshness about you, Dan. Dan: I think this—that’s— [Laughs.]

felicia

Like you’ve never been behind a mic before. And that’s really—that’s really impressive that you’ve been doing this thirteen years. [Multiple people laugh.]

stuart

It’s like somebody bonked him on the head and there were little birds tweeting around him and then they pushed him onto a microphone and he just started riffing. Y’know? [Laughs.]

dan

Yup. [Multiple people laugh.]

felicia

Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet!

dan

It provides kind of a ramshackle feel to the show. So people think that we’re just their idiot friends! See?

felicia

Listen. I love—like I said. Unpolished is my specialty. There’s nothing worse than trying to look good. You know you have a booger in your nose. You know what I’m saying? You walk out, you got toilet paper in your shoe.

crosstalk

Dan: In your shoe? Elliott: And yet if you’re the guy who points—

elliott

Or the guy or lady who points to their nose and goes, “Check it out! A booger!” You’re everybody’s best friend all of a sudden.

crosstalk

Elliott: Like if you can call yourself out on it— Felicia: Oh! You check—

felicia

You call yourself on it? ‘Cause I always tell other people and then they get mad at me that I told them and I’m like, did you want to go home and see that was in your nose and imagine all the people that— [Dan laughs.] —saw you with a booger in your nose? Then just go over and over and over in your mind all night? I mean, that’s what I would do. [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

Yeah. See, I would be—

stuart

I would just stare into the dark corners of the room.

felicia

Mm-hm! Mm-hm!

stuart

Thinking about all the mistakes you’ve made and—oh man.

crosstalk

Felicia: Yep. Elliott: No, no, Stuart. Get out of that dark place. Stuart! Stuart! Get out of the pit! Dan: Stuart. Are you— Stuart: I can’t believe I said that thing! [Laughs.] Dan: Are you doing your bit from— Felicia: Oh my god! He’s weeping! He’s weeping!

dan

—the live show again? [Laughs.]

crosstalk

Stuart: [Sighs.] Oh. Okay! So! Hawk the Slayer, guys! Elliott: Oh, boy. Uh, well—so maybe, Dan—

elliott

What do we do? What do we do on this podcast?

dan

Uh, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it. Y’know. I mean… [sort of extends it into a uncertain groan][Stuart laughs.] —I always feel bad? That, uh, the concept is baked into the podcast but it’s also prejudging the film? ‘Cause I don’t know what these guys thought of it. But, um, but mostly they’re bad movies. They’re movies that we have been led to believe are not so good.

felicia

So you don’t, like, do a Godfather situation here? Or you’re not, like, watching, y’know—Schindler’s List?

crosstalk

Elliott: Maybe the third one. Dan: I mean, if—

elliott

The third Schindler’s List. [Multiple people laugh.] The direct-to-video one where it’s dogs? [Felicia laughs.]

felicia

There was a—really?!

elliott

[Through laughter] Yeah!

felicia

Wow! That’s one that I don’t think people have—I’ll have to look on Rotten Tomatoes!

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah. It’s very—very low-rated. Dan: That’s a real… Schindler’s Twist!

crosstalk

Stuart: Ohh, shit. So— Elliott: No. Not a fan. Dan: What?! What—you’re making a face—

dan

—as if you were not the person who introduced the idea of a direct-to-video sequel to Schindler’s List. And yet I—I’m the one who gets, uh, reprimanded.

elliott

You’re right. Fair point. Fair point. We’re all sinners in this world. Uh—

stuart

I will say—I think at time of release, this movie was not particularly thought of well by critics? And I think it was a box office bust?

crosstalk

Stuart: I think it is [inaudible] —-yep! I know. Felicia: [Facetiously] No! Elliott: This is a movie that came out—

elliott

—in 1980 and I was curious how well it did. So I looked up on Box Office Mojo by IMDB Pro. Uh, I don’t know why I’m giving them brand name sponsorship. But, uh, the—I looked up domestic box office for 1980 and it was not in the top 68 releases of that year.

felicia

Wow!

elliott

That’s as far as the chart goes. Uh—

stuart

But back in the—back in 1980, they released thousands up on thousands of movies, right?

elliott

That’s true. That’s true. Uh—

felicia

They had the drive-in theaters, right? This was, like, number one on Topeka! [Dan laughs.] On the west side.

crosstalk

Elliott: [Through laughter] Oh—not on the east side of Topeka. Oh, no. Dan: [Laughs.] Oh, wow! It’s weird that they split those— Felicia: Yeah. I don’t know which [inaudible] Topeka’s better, but yeah.

dan

Split those demos up for the purposes of box office reporting. [Multiple people laugh.]

felicia

That’s where—basically where the stars’ families live.

elliott

[Through laughter] Yeah. So they all went to see it. Uh, but this movie also—so the movie we’re watching it Hawk the Slayer. I have a question for Stuart about it in a moment, uh, but first—this actually has a previous Flop House connection. In that it was directed by, uh, the director Terry Marcel, whose daughter Kelly Marcel wrote the Fifty Shades of Grey movie—

crosstalk

Elliott: —which we did on this very podcast! So. Stuart: Oh, wow! Felicia: Whaaaat?!

stuart

I can see connections.

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah. So. Felicia: Wait. It was written by—

felicia

That’s whose—the daughter wrote it and the dad or the mom wrote this movie?

elliott

No, no. The dad directed this movie. And also I think—

felicia

Directed the movie. Okay.

elliott

He may have cowritten it. Let’s see. Let me take a look.

stuart

Yeah. He did.

elliott

Yeah. It’s—and he cowrote it and wrote and directed it and then his daughter went on to become a screenwriter as well.

felicia

So it’s a schlock legacy!

elliott

Oh, yes. Oh, very much so. It’s, uh, a proud family tradition? I guess is what you’d call it? Now—Stuart, my question for you is—Hawk the Slayer, you were very big on—we asked Felicia, what kind of movie would you like to do? And she said, “Fantasy, please!” And Stuart said “HAWK THE SLAYER” in big capital letters in the text. Now what was it about this movie that really had you going?

stuart

So there is, uh, y’know, I have a couple of connections to Hawk the Slayer. Uh, it’s mentioned in the first season of Spaced? Y’know, the Edgar Wright show? And I remember being, like, “What the fuck are they talking about?” So I had to look it up. [Dan laughs.]

crosstalk

Dan: Angrily. Stuart: And then, uh… [Elliott laughs.]

stuart

I used to—when I worked for—uh, yeah. I was really mad at the show. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] Uh, I turned my TV to face the wall! [Laughs.] And, uh, when I worked for Games Workshop I had some, uh, English coworkers who were, uh, big fantasy nerds and they also—y’know, they were fans of Hawk the Slayer for some reason. Uh, and then the third reason I mentioned it is the exact day you texted me, uh, somebody told me their brother suggested we should do Hawk the Slayer for the show. [Laughs.]  ahHh

crosstalk

Dan: Mm. Elliott: Wow. Stuart: And I thought it would be like— Felicia: Thank you, random person’s brother! Thank you! Stuart: Yeah, exactly! [Elliott laughs.]

stuart

I feel like… I mean, he’s probably gonna listen now. But I feel like I wanted to be surprised and be, like, “Oh my god!” Like, by mentioning it to this other person and then mentioning—y’know. Like, that his game of telephone actually paid off.

crosstalk

Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Mm-hm.

elliott

He’s like, “What kind of power do I have that I spoke it and it came into being?”

dan

Now… on a similar line of questioning, this is—with some big exceptions—fantasy is not necessarily my genre. But… uh… Felicia, I know that, uh, I mean, one of your first ways of coming to prominence was The Guild. Is it—and you said fantasy. Is it something that you particularly connect with?

felicia

Oh, yeah. I live in another world. [Multiple people laugh.] My life is a fantasy. [Multiple people laugh.] I have read every fantasy novel there is. I have watched most things that are fantasy-based. I even watched the Shannara show for a while. And that was—that was wretched. So— [Dan laughs.] I will—anything with a sword or a drape— [Multiple people laugh.] —or a horse or a turret. I’m willing—I’m like a sucker. I’ll watch a little bit of anything. I am a turret whore. [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.] So like… and I know a lot about history? So I realize it is just a fictional account… like, it’s literally like if people wrote about our time and it was like The Jetsons. Y’know? Like—it’s so far removed from reality? Uh, that we’ve created a fictitious universe that is this chivalrous sort of time where women were so happy— [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.] Terrible. There weren’t dead bodies everywhere. Everyone didn’t stink. But at the same time I love it and that’s my—it’s sort of like a fairy tale sort of thing. So yeah. I—I have watched a lot of—but I did not watch this movie! And thank god for the introduction to it. Thank god, Stuart.

stuart

Oh, you’re welcome. [Dan laughs.]

elliott

I think, uh, we’re gonna have an interesting dynamic here, uh, between those of us who probably enjoyed the movie and those of us who did not enjoy the movie, as one cohost who will be named later texted me multiple times while watching it with his disgruntlement. It wasn’t Stuart! [Multiple people laugh.] But we’ll get to that. Let’s talk about—

crosstalk

Dan: [Through laughter] Okay. Stuart: Listeners—

stuart

Listeners, write in! [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

Write in with your guesses! Stop the podcast right now. Write in with your guesses. Write, “Was it Dan? Care of Dan McCoy. 123 Any Street, New York City, Brooklyn, uh, 10111111111111111 USA.” [Multiple people laugh.] Uh, “Earth, America.”

dan

I don’t want to give too many spoilers too early. I will say it’s not so much dislike as… boredom. But we’ll get to it.

felicia

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

elliott

Right. Interesting. Well, let’s talk about Hawk the—let’s talk about the hawk. Which is, I guess, probably should’ve been the slogan on the poster? ‘Cause the slogan on the poster says, uh, “Beyond the edge of darkness, there’s a world of sword and sorcery.” But it should’ve been, “You’re gonna talk about the Hawk.”

crosstalk

Elliott: That should’ve been the slogan, I think. Felicia: Yeah. Stuart: I figured it would be like—

stuart

“Can you talk the Hawk or will you hawk the talk?” [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

[Through laughter] Exactly.

felicia

That’s even better. That’s even better, dude. [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Yeah. Uh, “Some people walk the walk. This guy talks the Hawk.”

crosstalk

Felicia: [Through laughter] Talks to— [Laughs.] Elliott: And people are like— [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

—“Wait. So he talks to hawks?” “No, no, no, no, no. That’s not what it’s about.”

felicia

And with Ladyhawke coming out, I think that was probably later. That totally owes all of it—all the hawk-dom—

crosstalk

Felicia: —is owed to—this. Stuart: Uh-huh. And then—and then the third movie in the trilogy, uh, Hudson Hawk.

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah! Exactly! Felicia! Exactly! Exactly!

felicia

It was just, uh, a generation of hawk-dom. And this was really the—the bird of the decade.

crosstalk

Dan: Look Who’s Hawking; Look Who’s Hawking 2. Elliott: Yeah. In the ‘80s? People—people loved hawk— [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

That was the story about a baby who got into falconry, right?

dan

[Through laughter] Mm-hm.

elliott

And the baby was holding like a little glove with a little baby falcon on it? Which— [Dan laughs.] —now that I think about it, is kind of the plot of Kes which is a terribly sad movie. Okay. So. Hawk the Slayer. We open with an opening title that has some kind of epic myth stuff that, y’know, just say basic stuff. We don’t need to get into it. I didn’t write it down. Uh, because quickly we are introduced to the villain of the piece—that’s right—Voltan the Dark One! Jack Palance wearing a helmet that covers half his face because they—I guess—didn’t have the makeup budget for his heavily-scarred face to be onscreen for more than a, y’know, the minute at the end of the movie. Uh, Voltan is infiltrating a castle. He wants his dad’s secret, ancient power. And how would you describe the room that his dad is in? [Felicia laughs.]

felicia

It’s probably where Trump takes a poop. [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

Yeah! That’s a great—yeah! It’s got gold—shiny gold walls, and there seems to be some kind of dry ice hot tub just in the middle with like gold statues over it? [Dan laughs.]

felicia

I love this more than anything int his scene? Is the two—there’s two sort of gargoyles on either side of the hot tub? And they have this look like… they’re a kid from 1980 doing a headshot? [Multiple people laugh.] It’s like that cute… it’s the cute little two fists under the chin going, “Heyyyy!” [Multiple people laugh.] So I actually re-watched the whole sequence just looking at the gargoyles’ face.

elliott

It feels so much like they wanted a creepy gargoyle but all they could get was like little angel statues? And they were just like, “Paint ‘em gold. Stick ‘em on the hot tub. What are ya gonna do? Come on.”

stuart

Yeah. I, uh, this is the kind of room that if I was, uh, playing a game of True Dungeon and this was the last chamber, I would not be super bummed about it? But I wouldn’t be very happy. [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]

felicia

I’ve done True Dungeon. That’s amazing.

crosstalk

Felicia: That’s a good reference, too. Stuart: I figured somebody would appreciate it. [Laughs.]

felicia

Ten people and me! [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Not me, Stuart! Thumbs down to that reference! Not in my wheelhouse!

stuart

So Voltan is fighting his dad. Right? And they look roughly two years apart. [Dan laughs.]

elliott

And Voltan seems older than his dad. And now this is—

felicia

Yep.

elliott

I think the main issue with casting Jack Palance as your villain but then deciding that the villain and the hero should be brothers. Because Jack Palance by this time—let’s see—this is 1980. He was 61 years old at the time. And—

dan

Oh my! [Stuart laughs.]

elliott

He is—and, uh, you do not want a 61-year-old hero. Uh, and so you end up with some very old brothers. He looks to be about—a little bit older than his dad. And uh, he wants the secret to ancient power. Uh, and his dad is like—“No way!” And while he’s arguing with his dad, Hawk is—is this when Hawk—one of the times when Hawk is riding on his horse for a very long time?

felicia

Yeah. It’s like, exterior darkness. Interior light. He’s— [Multiple people laugh.] —So he’s, like, two time zones over but somehow just arrives. It’s amazing. I’m like, “What? Why is the castle in midnight and then he’s, like, it’s golden hour.” [Dan laughs.] It didn’t make any sense.

elliott

No. It’s—and, uh, they do—I don’t remember if they do it here, but they do—a number of times, Hawk will be riding on his horse and they will just cross-dissolve to him riding on his horse and then they will half-dissolve. [Stuart laughs.] Him riding on his horse with the image of him riding on his horse. And it’s like—it felt like they were—they really wanted to make the most of this Hawk, uh, riding horses footage.

felicia

Hawk on—but there’s always a lizard watching him.

crosstalk

Felicia: You notice that? Elliott: Yeah! A lizard or a snake! Yeah! [Laughs.]

felicia

And there’s a disco! It’s disco lizard! So basically disco lizard watches Hawk ride through the woods! [Multiple people laugh.]

dan

As long as we’re talking about Hawk riding through the woods—which is approximately 90% of the movie—I also would like to say that every exterior in this movie is, uh, a patch of the woods that basically looks like the other patch of the woods we just saw? With, uh, about, like, let’s say ten smoke machines on overdrive making this in the background.

elliott

And often Halloween adventure skulls. [Stuart laughs.] Just tied to trees.

felicia

Yep. Yep.

elliott

There’s so many bones tied to trees in this movie! But anyway. Hawk shows up. Uh, Hawk bursts in—too late! The dad is dying. Voltan… left? I guess? And the old man gives Hawk his magic stone that he kept in an amulet around his neck. Voltan couldn’t crack that code. But maybe—

felicia

Or— [Laughs.] He couldn’t get the sword off the wall, either! He didn’t really try. He just was like— [Stuart laughs.] —dad, you’re dead. I’m outta here. [Dan laughs.]

elliott

[Laughs.] Uh, and the stone goes into the—so the handle of the sword—which is called the Mindsword for reasons that are never really explained. I guess ‘cause you can control it with your mind. It’s a hand and the hand opens up and holds this glowing stone and his dad is like, “Now you’ve got the power. And… you’re gonna use this.” And Hawk wills the sword to his hand and it floats over. And that’s when— [Dan laughs.] —we get the title: Hawk the Slayer—drawn by hand!—as if it is the first bootleg, like— [Multiple people laugh.] —EP release of a heavy metal—of, like, a hometown heavy metal band. And it is copyright Chips Productions, which is maybe—

crosstalk

Elliott: [Through laughter] —my favorite thing that I’ve ever seen? [Laughs.] Felicia: Yeah! That was my favorite! I was like, chips!

felicia

[Inaudible] This is—did they do Chips later? [Dan laughs.] Or is this just kind of like their side project?

crosstalk

Elliott: And this is an English— Felicia: Or is Erik Estrada?

elliott

This is an English movie so that means it’s copyright French Fries productions. Which is even better. [Multiple people laugh.] Um, and I’m gonna go out on a limb right now. I mean, the instant this movie started I was like—“Movie, I’m totally yours.” But then when the theme song started playing I— [Stuart and Felicia agree.] —the music is genuinely—is amazing. It’s—it’s—

felicia

No, no. The music—I actually would—I would listen to the soundtrack.

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah. Dan: I looked up— Felicia: It is genuinely amazing. It’s disco…tech? Somehow? It should be like—TRON.

felicia

Y’know? Like, it’s not… it’s not appropriate for anything that’s onscreen.

crosstalk

Felicia: It’s really quite good! Dan: I tried to— Elliott: No.

dan

Yeah. I tried to see whether it was available for purchase, actually. I mean, you can get it as MP3s but not in any other format. But I was like—yeah! It’s like, disco, uh, some of it sounds like the Disneyland Main Street Electrical Parade? [Multiple people laugh.] Some of it sounds like Ennio Morricone. Like, it’s way different than anything you, like, would see in a modern fantasy film. Or hear.

stuart

The Morricone comment’s interesting ‘cause I think, uh… reading up on the trivia behind it, I guess they were trying to go for like—they were trying to go for like a Western but set in a—like, a fantasy sword & sorcery realm? And then like—

felicia

That was clear. That was clear with the long, expressionless closeups they kept cutting back and forth. [Stuart laughs.] I’m like, “Are they trying to do a Spaghetti Western? With like—” and I was like “Wow, that would’ve been cool had it worked in any way.” [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Yeah. The ways—the only way it works is the music and when they show people shooting crossbows and they—and it’s just like—

crosstalk

Felicia: Oh, it’s amazing! It’s my favorite thing in the world! It’s my favorite thing in the world— Elliott: Yeah, those are fantastic. Yeah. [Dan laughs.]

felicia

—those crossbows. ‘Cause they’re machine-gun crossbows!

elliott

Oh yeah. And it’s just them showing the same piece of footage over—like, cut really close together. And when—I’ve never seen an elf shoot arrows so fast. Sorry, Legolas.

felicia

Oh no. I was like, “Why does anyone have a sword in this world? You should all be using machine-gun arrows or crossbows! Like, they—” I’m like, “Nobody can hold a candle to this one-handed crossbow artist over here!”

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah. He’s amazing. Dan: Well that’s one way in which this fantasy medieval world is better than the real world.

dan

Is there’s a waiting period for crossbows in this universe.

crosstalk

Elliott: Oh, I see. Okay. They closed that loophole. That bolt-hole. Felicia: Ahhh. Stuart: Oh, okay. Yeah. That makes sense. Dan: Yeah.

elliott

Uh, so the, uh, so anyway. There’s, uh, a guy with a crossbow. And his one arm is wounded grievously. He goes to a convent and he’s like, “I’m from a village and Voltan destroyed it. They were laughing!”

crosstalk

Elliott: And they amputate his hand. Stuart: A convent that is a very cool map painting.

stuart

I think we can all agree. Right?

crosstalk

Felicia: It is. It was pretty cool. Yeah. Elliott: Oh. Sure. Yeah.

elliott

And this man is Ranulf. And for a while you’d be mistaken in thinking that he’s the hero of the movie, because it takes a long time for Hawk to come back. For a while this is the adventures of Ranulf looking for Hawk. Uh—

felicia

Which, by the way—better actor.

crosstalk

Elliott: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. He uh— Dan: Yeah. Well I wanted to say earlier— Stuart: Yeah.

dan

—when Elliott was talking about the problem with Jack Palance being the brother. The other problem is—as many years older Jack Palance is? That’s how much more charismatic Jack Palance also is. The Hawk is kind of blank.

elliott

I mean, by the time this movie came out, Jack Palance had been in movie for roughly forty years? Like— [Stuart laughs.] —there’s a reason he lasted that long!

crosstalk

Elliott: Because he’s got a—he’s got a— Dan: Look, man. I’m not—

elliott

‘Cause he’s super charismatic and he’s got a creepy face! Uh— [Dan laughs.] So Voltan, meanwhile, he’s—his face gives him such pain that he has to go to this kind of weird, dark, wizard god who talks through an audio, uh, filtered voice. And who uses—

stuart

It’s awesome.

elliott

—light finger lasers to cure him of his pain temporarily. And this is another moment where I was like, “Yes, movie. Thank you. Yes.” [Laughs.]

felicia

No. it’s amazing. It’s like the most janky lasiks I’ve ever seen in my life. [Multiple people laugh.] He’s screaming and it still doesn’t work! And I’m just like, “What are you doing?! You—put some anesthetic on there, man!”

crosstalk

Stuart: Yeah. Price of beauty, you know? [Dan laughs.] Elliott: And they never—they never really explain— Felicia: Yeah.

elliott

They never really explain what dimension this wizard is in or how he gets there? He’ll just be talking to his men and go, “I have to go. My face is in pain!” And then he’s suddenly in this kind of… red dimension. Where this wizard hangs out waiting to shoot lasers into his face from his fingers. It’s, oh. It’s so—uh—

crosstalk

Elliott: But the wizard- Felicia: It reminds me of, like—

felicia

—a sound bass person in Silver Lake. You know what I’m saying? It’s like—totally unaccredited. He has this belief that it’s gonna fix him— [Elliott laughs.] —and that belief and cash—a cash money payment is really gonna cure him.

elliott

Mm-hm. Mm-hm. He’s like, “Well I could go with what “Western” medicine says—" [Felicia laughs.] —with a lot of quotes around it. “But I think the harmonics are what’s really gonna take the infection out of my face.” Uh, so this—this dark—I was calling him a dark god, but later they refer to him as a wizard. Uh, he’s like, “You have to go to this convent. Uh, and do something to lure Hawk out.” Uh, so Voltan and his son—whose name is Drogo—uh— [Multiple people laugh.] They go to—uh—although later on it’s revealed that he’s an adopted son. Uh, they go to this convent and he and his son kidnap the head nun for ransom. And they say, “We’re gonna ransom this.” And then just to make it—make the threat super clear, Voltan cuts a loaf of bread in half with his sword, which gets its own shot. Which was— [Dan laughs.]

felicia

It’s a ciabatta—it’s my favorite shot! It’s a ciabatta! Y’know? Like— [Multiple people laugh.] —it’s one of those, like, it’s a very—either a hamburger bun? A large hamburger— [Multiple people laugh.] It’s like—you know what it is? It’s a Schlotzsky’s bun.

crosstalk

Felicia: Have you ever heard of Schlotzsky’s? Yeah. So he literally— Elliott: Yeah, yeah. Stuart: Yep. That’s actually— [Dan laughs.]

stuart

That’s actually the kind of roll that we’re using for our sandwiches at my bar Hinterlands, which is now open for to-go service. Oh, so interesting and delicious! [Elliott laughs.]

crosstalk

Dan: I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Stuart. You have to— Felicia: Wow. Sponsored by.

dan

You have to buy a Jumbotron for that kind of, uh, business message. [Felicia laughs.]

stuart

Why? I’m just talking! [Multiple people laugh.]

felicia

Listen. If you cut it with your broadsword like that, I’m there. I need to see a broadsword cut and I’ll take that away. [Stuart laughs.]

elliott

I mean, I have to assume it’s free if the customer will chop it in half with a broadsword. Right, Stu?

felicia

No, that’s kind of like a Gyu-Kaku, y’know? You gotta—you gotta cook your own—you gotta cook your own beef, and then at this place you gotta cut your own ciabatta! With a broadsword! [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Not a fan of those.

stuart

I’ll hold the ciabatta and then you’ll carefully cut it in half using your broadsword. [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Uh, I don’t know if—

crosstalk

Elliott: Maybe you should just want to put it on a table. Stuart: It will probably require…

stuart

—rolling a critical hit. Probably. [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

[Through laughter] Probably.

crosstalk

Dan: Now what kind of armor class is on that, uh, sandwich? Elliott: Is on the bread? [Laughs.] Stuart: Look, dude.

felicia

Ciabatta has a five—five? Or maybe—it has a very good saving throw. Dexterity saving throw. It’s a real bouncy ciabatta. [Multiple people laugh.]

stuart

[Through laughter] Yeah.

elliott

So, uh—so Ranulf, the crossbow guy, he reports to the, uh, to the abbot. Uh, and the abbot, he’s like, “Hey. I was at—I happened to be at this convent and this—and the head nun got kidnapped. What do I do? I’m just a guy with one hand and a magic machine crossbow.” [Dan laughs.] And the abbot says, “Get Hawk. He’s done work for us before.”

felicia

And that sequence I remember because the abbot was on fire the whole time. Like, they shot him in a way that there was a fire underneath him the whole time? So he looked like he was literally standing in a fire the whole time. Which looked uncomfortable.

stuart

And he’s like, “You need to find this one man. And his name is… [enunciating dramatically] Hawk.”

felicia

Hawk!

stuart

And then that’s when I raised my fist in the air. I put down the Warhammer miniatures I was painting— [Elliott laughs.] —and I put my fists in the air and starting chanting “Hawk!” over and over.

crosstalk

Dan: Mm-hm. Elliott. Yeah.

elliott

Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Just like in The Mighty Ducks, but “Hawk” instead of “quack.” Uh, I will mention that the high abbot? Uh, is played by the actor Harry Andrews, who was in a very great movie called The Hill with Sean Connery, so it’s a much better movie than this. Uh, but this is a—this is pretty fun. It’s less fun than this but it’s better. Anyway. Hawk—

dan

There’s some, uh, great British character actors that show up and I hope we highlight them as they—

crosstalk

Elliott: Oh, we will! Dan: —as they come.

elliott

When the innkeeper showed up and I was like, “I know that innkeeper!” Uh, we’ll get to him for sure. Uh, and speaking of great British actors that we’re gonna highlight… Hawk is riding through the woods for a while. It’s not time for the main adventure. Time for a little introductory quest. A woman is about to be burned by two brigands at the stake as a witch. And this is something Hawk does a lot, which is ride through the woods ‘til he comes across an injustice and then kill all the bad guys. Uh, and he managed—

crosstalk

Elliott: He has— Felicia: They murder—

felicia

—a lot of people for being “good guys,” quote-unquote. There’s a lot of murder.

crosstalk

Felicia: Civilian murder. Dan: Yeah. Elliott: It’s—it’s—

elliott

Tons of murder. And something that I wasn’t ready for but which I found kind of refreshing was how stern and humorless Hawk is. I’m so used to, like, your Chris Pratt or like, um, y’know, Robert Downey, Jr. type heroes in these big movies now these days. To have a hero who is so incredibly humorless and just is like, [monotonous voice] “Yes. Well. Stop that or I’ll kill you. Okay? Killing you now. Hm. We’re not paying the ransom. It wouldn’t be worth it. Voltan must die.” [Regular voice] It was like, “Wow. This guy’s not even trying to entertain!”

dan

Especially considering he has that cool, like, Han Solo kind of vest that he wears around. That, uh—

stuart

And guys? Do you think—do you think I’d look cool if I had a Hawk the Slayer haircut? [Dan laughs.]

felicia

Oh, boy! It’s like—it was like a bowl was put on the front to get the bangs and then it’s a party in the back.

crosstalk

Stuart: Uh-huh. Yup. Elliott: Mm-hm. A hawk party. Dan: Mm-hm.

stuart

Well when I go—yeah. When I go to my stylist I’ll say—okay. First, put a bowl on my head. Now— [Felicia laughs.] —push it back a little bit. [Multiple people laugh.]

felicia

Yeah. It needs to be a super high bang line. Like—ugh.

dan

No. Take the soup out first.

stuart

Mm-hm.

elliott

Or don’t, if that’s the secret!

dan

Mm-hm.

crosstalk

Dan: To what? Silky hair? Elliott: To styling? Yeah.

elliott

To soft, silky hair is minestrone? [Dan laughs.] Uh, so he’s gonna say—there’s a long stare-down. Very long stare-down. That’s where that Spaghetti Western aspect comes in. Between Hawk and this bad guy. Then there’s a swordfight and he saves this witch. This witch is played by—Patricia Quinn. That’s right! From I, Claudius. Did I interview her on the MaxFun podcast I, Podius? Yes I did! So that’s another little connection. I, Claudius’s Patricia Quinn playing here the blind witch who can see all and has magic hula hoops later in.

crosstalk

Elliott: So that’s I, Podius, hosted by me and John Hodgman on Maximum Fun. I, Podius, wherever podcasts are sold. Stuart: And—and she’s—and she’s— Dan: Wow. A lotta unpaid-for advertisements here.

dan

Hey, um, which—who was she in I, Claudius?

elliott

She was Livilla. She was the, uh, she was the one who… was in love with Sejanus, Patrick Stewart’s character. And, uh, and goes crazy with evil. Uh, and is—gets her comeuppance. But she’s really great in it.

stuart

Just like, uh, when she was Magenta in Rocky Horror Picture Show, right?

elliott

Yes. I guess most people would know her as Magenta in Rocky Horror Picture Show. Sure. But uh… but I don’t have a podcast to promote off of that. Whereas— [Multiple people laugh.] —she did play—

felicia

Well, next year.

elliott

—Livilla, where I interviewed her. Uh, so the witch is like, “Hey. Someone’s looking for you. Uh, I know these things cause I’m—even though I told these guys I’m not a witch and I was just trying to cure their pig, I am actually a witch.” Uh, he rides through the woods for a while past a lotta bones. There’s a lot of half-dissolves, like said. And finally… Ranulf is—has had a run-in with some brigands and they’re about to kill him with a—

crosstalk

Elliott: —hatchet-throwing competition. Stuart: It’s lousy—

stuart

It’s lousy with brigands around these parts, right? [Dan laughs.]

elliott

It was a dark time. Where the woods were full of brigands and there were no towns or villages? Later on they go to a blacksmith who just seems to have a stall in the middle of the woods?

felicia

The middle of the woods, yeah. I think they shot in one half-acre. [Multiple people laugh.] And they just kind of twirled the camera around. Twirled it around.

crosstalk

Elliott: They were like— Stuart: It’s the sort of thing where you like—

stuart

You toggle onto your map and then you’re like, I guess I’ll put a fucking waypoint out here? [Multiple people laugh.] Not near a town. Can I fast-travel? Off of that bone? [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

So— [Laughs.] What—wow. I guess I’ll check in on Foursquare at “Tree With Bone Next to It.” [All laugh.] That’s the business now! He saves Ranulf and Ranulf is like, “Oh, you’re Hawk! I’ve been looking for you. I’ve got a mission for you.” Meanwhile, uh, Voltan is terrorizing a bunch of people. I think this is the scene where, uh, his son calls a guy a dork? Which— [Multiple people laugh.] —I thought was hilarious [through laughter] for a fantasy—for—

felicia

It was amazing! It was amazing!

elliott

Uh, this is—they’re, uh, angering some guys, uh, at an inn. And the innkeeper—I was like, “I know that guy!” And I looked it up and that’s the actor Roy Kinnear, best known as Veruca Salt’s dad from _Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factor_y—

felicia

Oh, wow! That’s where I recognized him from! I recognize a lot of these people, but I didn’t really know. They’re those kind of character actors you’re like, “Oh, I saw that face but I don’t really know what their name is.”

elliott

Yeah. He was in a lot of stuff but that’s the thing I know him best from, certainly.

dan

Yeah. I was gonna say, that’s definitely the big one people—especially of our age—would know him from. But he also, was uh, in Help!, uh, the Beatles film. So.

elliott

Yeah. Now would you call that the Beatles’ best film?

dan

Uh, no. I would not. But it’s pretty good!

crosstalk

Dan: Y’know, it is overshadowed—it is overshadowed by the fact that— Elliott: Okay. Good—I mean, it is—it’s pretty racist!

dan

A Hard Day’s Night is a masterpiece, but Help! has a lot of funny stuff in it.

elliott

Help! is fairly racist, as I learned when I was re-watching it with Sammy recently. I was like… I was like, “Oh, there’s a lot of English people playing Indian assassins in this!” But, uh, y’know.

dan

That’s true. Although it does have Leo McKern, TV’s “Rumpole” in it, which, uh, is wonderful to see.

elliott

Mm, I know him best as “Number Two.” From The Prisoner. But uh, or one of many Number Twos. But, uh, anyway. So— [Dan laughs.] So Voltan really terrorizes Veruca Salt’s dad and they kill some people. And Voltan—it’s unclear what his power is. He—at first he seems to be kind of like the dark lord who rules over this land, but other times he has to keep introducing himself to strangers and threatening them to like get them to respect him. So it’s—there’re two people eating and Drogo is like, “Stop eating and stand when Voltan is here!” And they’re like, “Who? I’m eating right now!” [Multiple people laugh.] And we—and—

stuart

I hate it when that happens.

elliott

They mention that they’re slavers. And it’ll come in later. So that’s good foreshadowing. Uh—we have a flashback to Hawk’s wedding day. Uh—

felicia

Which looks like a douche commercial. [Multiple people laugh.] Full-on douche commercial. It’s white. There’s, like, this very badly makeup—the woman has the worst makeup I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s like a child got, like, an eyelash—eyeshadow palette and just smeared it on her face. It’s really bad. I feel bad for this actress.

elliott

Uh, that actress is Catriona MacColl. Who, uh, was in a bunch of like Lucio Fulci movies? She was in a lot of Italian horror movies. Uh—

felicia

Oh, cool!

elliott

And so—but it’s—she doesn’t get much to do here. Uh, other than to, uh, profess her undying love to Hawk. Although apparently she used to be Voltan’s girlfriend?

crosstalk

Stuart: I love it so much! Elliott: And this is— Felicia: Yeah. [Dan laughs.]

stuart

She’s like, “Oh, we’re just friends, dude!” [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]

felicia

Yeah! She totally friendzones Voltan in this scene! And it’s like—I married your brother. [Dan laughs.]

stuart

He’s complaining that while he was at war his younger brother was, uh, y’know, like, using his silver tongue. But I’m like, “I don’t know, dude. You’re really old and look like a skeleton.” [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

It’s like—I wanted Hawk to be, like, “Wait, you mean your daughter, right? Like, I’m marrying your daughter?” [Dan laughs.] But, uh, the—I mean they—so, uh—Voltan is like, “Hey, Lady Eliane was supposed to be mine!” And it’s weird to bring that up on the wedding day. You’d think he’d bring it up before the actual day of the wedding. Uh, she—uh, Voltan runs off after saying she should be his, and she gives Hawk a little charm for protection. Which is a—kind of like, what, Celtic cross almost?

felicia

Mm-hm.

elliott

And we’ll find—

felicia

But it does come into play later. It is—like, somebody did some work on the screenplay! ‘Cause it’s like, oh, that plays in later! Much later! But it does.

elliott

Everything they plant has a payoff. Mostly.

stuart

[Through laughter] Yup. [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Uh, they travel through, uh—anyway. Hawk and, uh, and Ranulf, they go—he’s like, “We’re gonna have to travel through the haunted forest of Weir to get my compatriots for our fighting party.” Uh, and it’s fine. It’s just like—it’s like they’re riding on horseback through like a haunted house forest ‘cause like, little muppet—

crosstalk

Elliott: —puppet mole people pop out. Felicia: There’s a little toad that looks like Baby Yoda—

felicia

—did a lot of meth? And it just keeps popping up and—as a puppet? Like, they cut to this little Baby Yoda meth kid and then they’re out of it. It takes like five seconds for them to go to this—through this haunted house woods, which I love more than anything. [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

It really—the buildup for the haunted house woods, I think, takes almost as much time as the actual haunted house woods. And they never get off their horses and it’s almost—he’s like, “I hope you’re not afraid of being looked at by a gross puppet. ‘Cause—” [Multiple people laugh.] “—that’s what we’re about to experience.”

stuart

[Through laughter] There’s only one puppet but we’re gonna show it a lotta times in different parts of the woods. [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

And, uh, they—at the—when they’re [inaudible] out of the forest, they’re back to the witch. Uh, kind of—I don’t know why they had to take so much time to get to her? Uh, and she takes them to her magic cave. Where she’s gonna transport, uh, Hawk to get each of the members of his, uh, fighting party. His old buddies. Now, how—which of you guys wants to describe her method of teleportation? What it looks like and how it works?

dan

Is that the two spinning, uh… hula hoops?

crosstalk

Elliott: Yes. It is. Felicia: Yeah. Magic hula hoop magic. Stuart: Mm-hm.

dan

Yeah. They’re spinning sort of like—imagine like one hula hoop when it stops spinning, like, on the ground and is kinda like going around on its, uh, on its edges sort of gyroscope style? Like, now put two of ‘em together to—

crosstalk

Dan: —on top of each other. Felicia: And they make it, like, neon colors.

crosstalk

Felicia: ‘Cause that’s completely appropriate for medieval kind of world. Stuart: Well I think—I think neon is the color palette—

stuart

—of magic in this movie, as you’ll see. Like in the big climax.

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah. Uh—so the—and— Felicia: Mm-hm! Dan: Magic looks a lot like stormtrooper, uh, lasers in this movie. [Stuart laughs.]

elliott

Or—alternately—it looks like someone is throwing glowing bouncy balls through a door— [Multiple people laugh.] —from off-camera! Uh, it’s—the hula hoop magic—the hula hoop magic looks like—if you had a science museum for kids where they’re like, “Inertia can keep this hula hoop standing up! As long as it’s moving.” That’s what it reminded me of. Okay. So, uh, she send them individually to get each of the three members of the party. There is Gort, a giant. Uh, who’s pretty tall, I guess. He’s not, like… giant-giant.

stuart

And he’s played by the guy who played the Cyclops in Crawl.

elliott

Is it the same guy?

crosstalk

Felicia: Ohhhh! Wow! Stuart: Yup. Yup.

felicia

That guy’s been in some awesome stuff!

stuart

[Through laughter] Yup.

elliott

And, uh, so he is—and we meet him as he is fixing a merchant’s wagon, and then the merchant won’t pay him. So he breaks the merchant’s wagon wheel again. And he carries a big hammer that I think is supposed to look heavy but it’s—y’know, it’s very clearly made out of a very light balsa-y material. [Dan laughs.] And Hawk shows up and is like, “Hey. Come with me. We got an adventure.” And they—and he—wait. But he kills a bunch of people, too! The giant, right?

felicia

Yeah. There’s a lot of just murder and it’s like, “Let’s go be good guys!” Like, it just— [Elliott laughs.] —sequence after sequence, just civilians and brigands who are mildly, maybe, chaotic neutral? [Elliott laughs.] But they’re dead. They die.

stuart

Yeah. There’s a feeling of like… after a couple of situations, you’re like, “I think you’re looking for fights, guys.” Like, “I think you’re trying to make this happen.” [Laughs.]

elliott

Yeah. This is—they’re not—they’re certainly not de-escalating. That’s for sure. [Dan laughs.]

felicia

Nope.

elliott

Uh, there’s a point where Voltan is kind of the lesser of two evils. Where you’re like, “Okay, I guess Hawk is mildly better.” But then he goes to my favorite member of the group—that’s right!—it’s Crow, which Wikipedia describes as “A reticent elf.” [Multiple people laugh.] So reticent. He wears kind of like a stitched-together, leather, red hoodie—or, like, cloak—

felicia

It looks like pepperoni. Or maybe— [Elliott laughs.] —the inside of a skinned human. I can’t tell. It’s the most repulsive texture on his armor. And I just love it. I love it. And he is my favorite character ever.

elliott

He is so—they’re clearly going for, like, last of his kind, uh… brooding figure? But mainly what he does—he sits there and he examines arrow points he’s just had made for a long time. He is challenged to an archery contest, which—duh—he wins. But he’s just—he’s a super-fast bowman. Hanging out at the forest blacksmith, uh, just looking—he’s like the kid who hangs out at the skate shop? Just looking at the new boards?

stuart

Now, is that more of a blacksmith or a guy who makes bows?

crosstalk

Stuart: That’s more of like—a bow-ier? Elliott: You’re right. He’s probably a fletcher.

stuart

A bow—no. A fletcher makes arrows.

elliott

But he’s making arrows. He’s give—he’s make—

crosstalk

Felicia: He’s making arrowheads. Yeah. And then it— Elliott: He is making arrowheads. Stuart: Oh, okay. But somebody who makes bows is what—a—bowier? Bowsia? Dan: Now— Felicia: A bow—a bowier. A bowier? A boughier? Chad Boseman. Yeah. Elliott: A Chadwick Boseman. Dan: And this—this raises a good point.

dan

Which is—did Jessica Fletcher make arrows?

stuart

Mm-hm.

elliott

Very good question, and yes, that’s what she murdered people with. [Dan laughs.] And then she’d write about it. Yeah. No, that’s—I knew—I worked with someone once and they had two children named, uh, Piper and Cooper. And they were having a third child and I so wanted them to name them Fletcher so all their children would be named after medieval tradecraft. But. [Dan laughs.] They did not. Disappointing.

stuart

Wheelwright? [Laughs.]

elliott

[Through laughter] Yeah!

dan

[Through laughter] That famous surname, “Wheelwright.” [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

Uh, he wins this archery contest. Uh, nobody, I think is—oh, no. One person is killed. Uh, and—

felicia

Yup. Yeah.

elliott

Hawk comes by and they’re trying to hustle this elf and it’s like, dude. Don’t try to hustle an elf wearing a pepperoni hoodie? For—y’know, an archery contest? [Dan laughs.] Like, that goes without saying. The minute he pulls back his hood and you see his elf ears, you should be like, “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I don’t wanna trouble you.”

dan

Just like Vizzini said—that’s one of the classic blunders. [Laughs.]

elliott

[Laughs.] And the final member of the group is Baldin, a jokey dwarf who we see—who is—he’s about to be sacrificed in a Viking funeral pyre, uh, by this—

felicia

By Hare Krishnas. Right?

elliott

Yeah. By this kind of Hare Krishna-y cult. And uh, he gets saved. His—his special ability is he has a whip, which he used—does not use to save himself. Hawk saves himself. Instead, he whips a fish out of the river and then eats it whole. Just sticks it in his mouth.

felicia

Eats it whole! He eats a—I mean, it’s really the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen an actor do. [Multiple people laugh.] This dwarf actor whip the water, take a whole cod or whatever. Trout. And just like a dolphin, eat it. I was just like, wow! [Elliott laughs.] There’s no point at which—in this movie I can calm down. ‘Cause I’m always surprised by something that happens. [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

Oh, yeah. It’s—you have to be, like, “So does he have his teeth in his throat? Like, what’s going on?” Or is it like when Heathcliff would take a whole fish and put it in his mouth and then pull the bones out?

stuart

It was like, in his audition they’re like, “Uh, I see that you can’t—you didn’t list ‘stage combat.’ Do you have any other skills that might be useful for this role?” [Elliott laughs.] And he’s like, “Funny you should ask!”

crosstalk

Stuart: And he pulls a fish out? Dan: [Through laughter] He’s like—“You may see that I—"

dan

“I brought a cooler with me today.” [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

Um, the five heroes, they’ve been assembled. They’re all, uh, Patricia Quinn got them all together. And she’s like, “Well, they only paid me for so much time in this movie. I’ll be back later. Time for you to go to the convent!” They go to the convent to find out what the mission is. They’ve gotta save the head abbess. Uh, there’s another flashback in which Eliane dies saving Hawk from Voltan. Voltan throws, what, a dagger at him? And she gets in the way of it? Um… and—

stuart

I think he shoots her with a crossbow, actually.

elliott

Oh, right! I forgot. It’s all crossbows, all the time. Uh, it’s just full crossbows. Uh, we get a scene where—very prolonged scene—where the giant is going to eat a whole chicken and the— [Laughs.]

felicia

It’s the longest dialogue in the whole scene!

crosstalk

Elliott: In the whole movie! Felicia: And it’s the longest—

felicia

—movie—I was like, “Is this still going on where the dwarf is tricking the—the giant to give him his chicken?” Which is clearly, like, a Cornish hen. And it—but it just did not end! It’s like, this is the—the director thought, “This is the funniest scene we’ve ever done. We’re gonna let them just riff.” [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

Well just, people are gonna be talking for years about the dwarf tricking the giant out of his chicken. The chicken trick scene. The famous Hawk the Slayer chicken trick scene. And it goes on for a long time. But luckily, the dwarf manages to pull it off and he does eat that chicken and he eats it with just as much grace and elegance as [through laughter] he ate that fish earlier. [Multiple people laugh.] Um, just shoving it into his face and hoping some of the meat gets to his mouth. Um— [Stuart laughs.] They’re like, okay. They—Voltan asked for a ransom. Where are we gonna get the money for this ransom? And the—there’s a nun there who does not like Hawk and his pals. She knows that they’re trouble. Maybe word got to her about how many people they murdered on the way to the convent. But they’re like, “We gotta get some money. And you know what? Maybe we’ll cause some trouble at the same time!” So they go to the river where the slavers are and, uh, kill all these people and free their slaves, which is a bunch of guys in, like, very surprisingly skimpy loincloths. Uh, and for no reason at all they set up—the giant sets up, like, a torture trap for one of the guys?

felicia

[Laughs.] Yeah. I was like, “Who is the bad guy here?” They murder 30 people here! They let the slavers go and then they put like a flail over this bad guy’s face and then his head gets crushed in and then they do like a quip! And I’m like, “Are these—do I like these people? Not really!”

elliott

No. No. They’re tough guys. But it was a tough time. Again. It was a tough time when Voltan was ruling the airwaves and everybody’s— [Dan laughs.] —everybody was doing the Hawk. Uh—

stuart

I do like that the lead slaver guy who we’re introduced to, like, spilling food out of his mouth. Uh, I like that even at the end—even when he’s face-to-face with a giant—he’s like, “I think I could still win.” [Laughs.]

felicia

Yeah. He has a lot of pluck, that slaver.

elliott

So I—I took—only I’m now looking up—‘cause I forgot to look this up earlier—so the man who plays Hawk and Voltan’s father—uh, the actor Ferdy Mayne—he was three years older than Jack Palance. So I was wrong earlier— [Felicia laughs.] —when I said Jack Palance looked older.

felicia

He’s not the oldest person in the movie. Yeah.

elliott

No, no. When he was three, he had a child. And that child was Jack Palance. And he was in—a surprising number of actors in this movie were in Barry Lyndon. I guess ‘cause there’s a lot of English actors in Barry Lyndon.

crosstalk

Elliott: But he was one of them. Dan: Have we reached the point—

dan

—also—I’m sorry. I—where, um, the actor who played, uh, Hercule in, um, in A Shot in the Dark is in the movie? Uh, as—

elliott

I don’t remember. Who—

dan

As an older man. Yeah. Uh, the guy—apparently this actor—I looked him up after that—the fact. Uh, the guy who played Hercule was actually in more Pink Panther movies than Peter Sellers, because he was in one of the posthumous Pink Panther films? He was a friend of Peter Sellers’ from the old days and he was in makeup for a lot of the other—like, he’s the innkeeper who’s, like, uh, the—“Does your dog bite?” scene? Uh—

elliott

Oh, okay.

crosstalk

Felicia: Ohhh! Elliott: Alright.

dan

Uh, he’s also in this movie. Yeah. I can’t remember as whom, though.

stuart

And I think a few of these actors were in episodes of Doctor Who. [Laughs.]

crosstalk

Felicia: At least. [Dan laughs.] Elliott: Oh, oh, so—

elliott

You’re talking about, uh, Graham Stark.

dan

Yes.

elliott

Who played Hercule. So he’s—yeah. He plays, uh, a character named Sparrow, who I don’t remember who that is in the movie! Uh… but yeah. He’s, uh, that’s right. I—you know what? I didn’t recognize him! And I should have. Because I love those movies. Alright. Okay. But that’s besides the point. I can’t feel too bad about it because they’ve got their money. They are—they’ve killed a bunch of people. But Voltan’s son Drogo, his blood is up. He’s like, “I wanna go on more raids! I wanna go leave—I should be doing stuff instead of just hanging out in this tent with you, my dad, Voltan, and this nun you’re keeping in a cage in the corner of your tent. Very strange. It’s like it’s like a big dog carrier cage.” Uh, and Voltan threatens him—and I can’t remember exactly why he threatened him. He’s just irritated? That his son was just talking back to him?

felicia

I don’t know. I just was—I was distracted ‘cause it looked like Anthropologie. He really decorated the interior of that tent with Anthropologie. Even the cage looks like Anthropologie chic. [Multiple people laugh.] So I kinda like that scene.

elliott

Very flowy. A lot of flowy kind of like…

felicia

A lot of bold patterns! Yeah.

elliott

Yes. Yeah. [Laughs.] Uh, he—she—and the nun is like, “You know, I can cure your face!” A this point I was like, oh, his face was the problem? ‘Cause he’s cover—he’s got this helmet that covers most of his face and it—but the first time you see that wizard shooting lasers at him, it’s not really that clear what he’s doing. He’s helping him in some way. But uh, he goes, “It’s impossible! I’ve tried! It can only—I can only have the pain taken away, [dramatically] and that only temporarily.” And then Voltan’s son is like, “What?! Hawk stopped all those slavers? Hold on—I’ve got a plan!” Cut to Voltan just getting lasers shot into his face by that wizard’s fingers. Like, it’s—and every time Voltan is like, [screaming] “Ahhh!” Like, it clearly hurts him to have the treatment. So. I don’t know! Maybe he shoulda had the nun try it! Uh—

stuart

I do the same thing every time I go to the gym, y’know? [Laughs.]

elliott

Yeah. Uh—

felicia

Screaming.

elliott

Just screaming. Uh, Hawk and his dudes plan what they’re gonna do. Uh, they are not going to pay the ransom. That’s for sure. Because they’re like, “If we pay the ransom then Voltan’s just gonna kill the nun anyway. So we might as well just not do it and make Voltan come here.” And the nuns are like, “Can you please save our abbess?” [Dan laughs.] “Which I think was the quest? That you were given?” [Felicia laughs.]

crosstalk

Elliott: And Hawk is so— Felicia: And why did you kill all those slavers—

felicia

—to get all the money when you’re not going to do anything with the money?

elliott

Yeah. Yeah. And it’s—that’s a very good point. And Hawk at this point, it’s clear that his larger mission is to stop Voltan. He doesn’t really care who he hurts in the process.

felicia

And the only thing I remember is that every time you go to the inn, it looks like it’s like some kind of open… just trough. Of food. There was like a huge thing of small chicken and celery— [Elliott laughs.] —like it doesn’t feel like… y’know… a place of worship? It just feels like… kind of a bad, y’know, restaurant. ‘Cause there’s just tables there the whole time.

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah. I don’t know— Stuart: Yeah. Like a dining hall.

elliott

I don’t know where the nuns, like, say prayers. Unless it’s during meals. ‘Cause it’s—yeah. It just seems to be a place that nuns serve…

crosstalk

Elliott: —[inaudible] food. Yeah. Stuart: I mean, if— Felicia: Serve food.

stuart

If you were nuns who were trying to keep the place you say prayers—I don’t know—separate from where the murderers are? I would probably just keep them corralled near the food trough?

elliott

That’s a good point. They’re not gonna ask a lot of questions. Speaking of food, uh, the dwarf tricks the giant with food talk again. Uh, and I can’t remember if this is where he tricks him out of food or he tricks him into not eating his mixed nuts in a bag that he keeps. Maybe that’s later. This is, uh, there’s—this is the running gag throughout is that the—is that our—is that Baldin is constantly tricking Gort out of his food. The bad guys, they finally attack the convent. Drogo goes to get the ransom and he steals it. The good guys end up killing most of the bad guys, but the nuns are real unhappy. They’re like, “That was not helpful. Why are you doing this?” Uh. She is not happy with what’s going on. Drogo goes back to Voltan and dies in Voltan’s arms. And Voltan is so sad that he orders his henchmen to fight him so that the can kill them as kind of, like, a sacrifice to Drogo’s honor? It’s very strange.

crosstalk

Elliott: And his henchmen are looking at him— Felicia: Doesn’t make any sense.

elliott

[Through laughter] And his henchmen are looking at each other like, “Is this… was this part of the job when I started? Hold on a second.” [Laughs.] Like, “Do we have to do this?”

stuart

Toxic masculinity, guys! That’s—it’s insidious.

felicia

It really is.

elliott

Well, nobody stopped Voltan when they could. When he first started his behavior. And now he thinks he can get away with anything. Y’know. And it’s just not fair. And he talks later about how like, “No women would be with me!” And it’s like, dude— [Stuart laughs.] —maybe that’s your fault. Maybe that’s not on anyone but you.

felicia

Maybe it’s not your weird pussy eye. Okay? [Multiple people laugh.] It’s your behavior.

elliott

Like, it’s the Middle Ages. Have you seen the other people in this movie? It is not a fleet of dreamboats. I think you could—if you had—worked on your personality, I think you could’ve made it work with somebody. Uh, Voltan goes—he rides up to the convent and announces to the nuns, “I’ll be back tomorrow. And when I come back tomorrow with my men, you better give me Hawk and the gold or else.” Which begs the question—why didn’t he just do it then? Why did he give them a day to like plan? And why did he show up by himself? Maybe he was just—he just wasn’t thinking rationally. He’s just so sad that his son got killed. Uh, the heroes decide theyr’e gonna go on the offensive. Somewhat. Because, uh, the witch—Patricia Quinn—she sends them—she teleports them to Voltan’s like henchmen camp and they just—with magic smoke to cloud them [inaudible]

crosstalk

Elliott: —and they just slaughter people! Felicia: Slaughter. Slaughter!

elliott

It’s—and this is when you get the most repeating crossbow bolt moments—

crosstalk

Elliott: —and the most repeating Crow arrow-bolt moments. Felicia: It’s amazing.

elliott

Where they’re literally just showing you the same shot cut together real fast. Both crossbows and Crow with his bow and arrow. And it’s amazing. Yeah. It’s great.

felicia

But it’s—there’s so much smoke and the only thing you could see is the end of Hawk’s sword, which makes him the best target to kill. [Dan laughs.] ‘Cause you could see that glowing green sword. But then… it’s okay, because the two guys who have the arrows and the crossbows will just mow down everybody anyways. So who cares.

elliott

And they never need to load either of these. Like, you never see Crow cocking an arrow. Or knocking back an arrow.

crosstalk

Dan: Cocking an— Stuart: He’s so fast! He’s so fast! Felicia: No. Elliott: And you never see—and you never see—

elliott

—the other guy cocking his crossbow! It’s just unlimited shots. It’s amazing.

stuart

Uh-huh. It’s like, uh, like the—what is it? The Roach? The Punisher Roach in the Cerebus comics? [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] He’s got, like, twin… twin crossbow bolt guns?

elliott

I did not get that far into Cerebus, I have to admit.

crosstalk

Stuart: Oh, okay. Well, I don’t think it’s— Elliott: So I’m gonna take your word for it.

stuart

—now is the time to pick it up. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]

elliott

No, no, I think—I mean, I’ve been hearing so many great things about it! [Dan laughs.] Uh—

dan

You can stop after—what is it? “High Society”? “Church of State”? Whatever one’s later. [Laughs.]

stuart

Mmmm.

elliott

Uh, so there’s—that mist—they go, “Oh, the smoke is clearing! We’ve gotta leave!” But it’s like, “You guys are doing great. Like, you’re destroying everybody. I don’t—why don’t you just finish the job now? You’re at Voltan’s camp. I don’t—anyway.”

crosstalk

Elliott: ‘Cause the movie [inaudible]. Stuart: They’re like, “No. We gotta go—"

stuart

“—we gotta go back and save our game.” [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

Uh, Hawk and company, they go back to, uh, the convent to look for—yeah?

stuart

Maybe they burn through all their, like, single-use abilities for the day?

crosstalk

Stuart: And they need to recharge ‘em. Felicia: Yeah. They’re like, “We need to redo our spells.”

stuart

[Through laughter] Yep.

dan

You’re saying they’re taking a short rest. Is that what the—

stuart

Oh, look at Dan! Look at this guy!

crosstalk

Dan: I—you forced me! You forced me, Stuart! [Laughs.] Stuart: Look at Dungeon Master over here! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

And here’s where—like, this movie—I’ll just—before we finish the film. Like, it does feel to me like you made a Dungeons & Dragons movie. In so many ways. There’s so much traveling? There’s so much, like, assembling and people figure out what their abilities are? There’s a lot of, like, yeah. Resting. Like, attacking and then being, like, “Well, uh… the rules say we gotta stop now. So let’s go.”

dan

I mean, this is totally a filmed LARP. [Through laughter] This is the—100%.

felicia

Mm-hm.

dan

For better and worse.

elliott

Now how would—tell me why for better and tell me why for worse. But say it like the comic strip For Better or Worse. [Multiple people laugh.]

dan

[Through laughter] Umm…

felicia

Oh, god.

dan

Something about Barkley? [Elliott laughs.] Is he a dog? Like—

elliott

Uh, probably, with a name like Barkley! Unless it’s Charles Barkley.

felicia

Ohh!

dan

Or am I think about the dog from Sesame Street? Or were they both Barkley? Anyway.

crosstalk

Dan: Have I distracted you enough? Felicia: They might both be Barkley.

elliott

Uh, yeah, possibly! I still want an answer but I guess I don’t need it any more. Uh, but you’re right! I hadn’t even thought about that. It is, like, it is a LARP movie. Uh, the—what was the—why am I forgetting it? The name of that documentary about the LARPing group? Like, Darkon or something like that. It’s like you’re watching their game. Anyway. Uh, the nun—who does not approve of Hawk and his fellows refusing to free the abbess and instead just murdering people left and right—she goes to Voltan and helps him get the drop on Hawk. Uh-oh! Voltan sneaks in with all his men. Well, first she poisons the giant and everyone else that they—with a sleeping draught.

felicia

Go sleepy!

elliott

They all go real sleepy and when they woke up—when they wake up, not woke up. I mean, woke up ‘cause it is in the past tense and it happened already. But let’s say “wake up.” Uh, Voltan’s got his sword at their necks. And they got the drop on ‘em. And Voltan—I think then kills that nun? Or does he just punch her?

felicia

Yeah. He kills her.

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah. He just stabs her? Felicia: No, he kills her, I think. Stuart: He kills her later, I think. Right?

felicia

No, I thought he killed her right in front of there! Like, “You won’t be able to see it!” And then she—he, like, kills her and the—everyone’s like, “Nuh-oh you didn’t!” [Multiple people laugh.] Even his henchmen are like, “Whoa! Over the line, boss!”

stuart

Yeah. They’re like, “Before when you challenged our friends for a fight [through laughter] to the death—” [Elliott laughs.] “—we thought you were a little weird.”

elliott

But it’s—there’s a couple nuns who look alike and so I thought he killed her and then later on another nun showed up and I was like, “Wait, but is that the same? I don’t know.” But uh—the—but I think he does. The… he goes—then he, uh—Voltan taunts them for a while. And then the dwarf taunts him back. And he stabs the dwarf. Who’s tied up! Even the nun wasn’t tied up. She could’ve conceivably batted the knife out of his hands. Uh, and Voltan’s like, “Ugh! This has made me so mad! I need some more magic face treatment!” Goes to get some lasers in the face. Uh… and the witch uses her magic—

felicia

This is my favorite movie—favorite thing in the movie. There’s three or four favorite things in the movie? [Multiple people laugh.] The hula hoops; the fish eating. But when the witch goes into the convent and attacks a guy with silly string— [Multiple people laugh.]

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah! Stuart: Mm-hm.

felicia

And he is incapacitated and wrapped up with silly string—like, literal silly string—I think I’ve laughed harder than any comedy I’ve ever watched. [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

She holds up her staff and just shoots silly string out of it and it’s another one of those moments when you’re like, now is when you’re doing that? Like— [Dan laughs.] Like, why not—

crosstalk

Stuart: Yeah. She like sticks the little— Elliott: —ten minutes ago?

stuart

She sticks her little wand—which kinda looks like a little blowgun—through a crack in the door. And the guard, like—there’s a couple shots of the guy like eyeballing it and being like, “The fuck?” And like, approaching it slowly? And you’re like— [Elliott laughs.] “Dude. I know what’s gonna happen.” But I didn’t know! It was so much crazier! [Elliott laughs.]

dan

Yeah. It is a lot of silly string. It’s not the regular amount.

felicia

No, no! It’s like—like—literally a cocoon of silly string.

dan

Yeah. [Laughs.] It would incapacitate me, this silly string. Is what I’m saying. [Laughs.]

stuart

Oh wow! Wow. Yeah. And you’re the hardiest of all of us when it comes to silly string resistance!

felicia

Yeah. You really have the best saving throw on that one.

elliott

Now, Dan, what’s interesting is that in this scenario, you are projecting yourself as one of Voltan’s guards. Uh… which— [Multiple people laugh.]

crosstalk

Elliott: It’s interesting that you see yourself in that position! Whereas I would be more like— Dan: I don’t think I was— [Laughs.] I don’t think I was—

elliott

—one of Hawk’s men. Who are not great, but, y’know.

dan

—identifying myself so much as just expressing that, y’know, like, this—this guard. Who probably got fired for all this. Uh, y’know.

elliott

Oh, he’s dead, Dan. He’s dead. [Stuart laughs.]

dan

[Through laughter] What?!

elliott

He got fired from life.

dan

What?!

felicia

He dead.

elliott

He’s dead. He was suffocated by that silly string.

stuart

Yeah.

dan

[Through laughter] I gotta text some people! [Multiple people laugh.]

stuart

Oh, wow!

elliott

‘Cause when I was watching it, I was like—

crosstalk

Stuart: Feels performative. Elliott: Yeah. I’d—

stuart

You didn’t even know him that well! [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

I was— [Laughs.] When I was watching that scene, I was like, “Yeah, I’d be the kind of witch that shoots silly string out of a staff. At people.” [Multiple people laugh.] I think that’s what I’d do. And I’d have neon hula hoops. Uh, the—uh, the dwarf Baldin unfortunately dies. Even her magic is not enough to save him. But he—as he says—he dies the way he wished: surrounded by his friends.

stuart

Awwww.

elliott

And they make a little grave for him. A little grave, ‘cause he’s short! Uh… the witch then—it’s another moment where she’s, like, “Okay. I’m gonna help you. I’m going to—” something about “I’m gonna blind them with a hail of magic” or something like that. “Of lightning.” But what actually comes out is kind of a whirlpool of fake snow and glowing bouncy balls? [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]

crosstalk

Elliott: That are just bursting through the door of the convent at the bad guys. Felicia: It’s amazing. She’s the best thing in the movie. Yeah. It’s incredible. [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

I mean, and she is like—I’m a big fan of her performance in this? Like, she has just the right amount of like mysteriousness?

felicia

She’s the only one. She’s the only one that has any dignity whatsoever in the movie.

elliott

She has the best shots. There’ll be scenes where like she’s in the extreme foreground in profile and she’s talking to people who are in the background facing the camera? It’s very Ingmar Bergman-y? Uh… it’s almost like she was like, “You’re gonna have to do better when I’m onscreen. Like, c’mon.” Uh, the bad guys are all blinded, I guess, by this hail of what you could buy—I mean, now I’m realizing a lot of her magic is just stuff you could buy in the gift shop of like a science center. Or like—

felicia

Or a Spencer’s.

elliott

Yeah. Or Spencer’s. Yeah. It’s just, like, glowing balls. Glowing hula hoops. Silly string.

stuart

Well, Elliott, to the uninitiated, that sort of thing might seem like magic. [Multiple people laugh.]

dan

Okay. Thank you, Arthur C. Clarke. [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.]

elliott

You’re paraphrasing Arthur C. Clarke’s famous dictum that to a lower civilization, novelty gifts would appear to be magic. [Multiple people laugh.] She’s just throwing, like, uh, like aprons with naked ladies painting on them at them. [Multiple people laugh.] And so— [Laughs.] Trying to think what other stuff you could buy at Spencer’s Gifts. [Laughs.]

stuart

Tricking people into thinking that a, uh, that cart actually has a pair of testicles hanging behind it. [Multiple people laugh. Dan sighs.]

elliott

So, uh, she—they’re all fighting. Uh, Voltan, uh, takes the giant and the—and the nuns, of which there are now three. I guess that’s all there ever were. Uh, prisoner. [Stuart laughs.] And is like, “Hawk, give yourself up or I’ll kill them!” And he’s got some elaborate trap. And Hawk is like, “Okay, that’s all I’m gonna do.” He goes, “Put your sword down! Now take off your vestments!” I don’t know why he has to remove his vestments, but he does. And he’s like, “Uh, well, if you’d like to pray, now is the time before I kill you.” And he kneels down and he holds that cross pendant that Eliane gave him when she was—when she—on their wedding day. And what is revealed inside of it?

felicia

A little tiny dagger! [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

Yup! It’s like a little switchblade cross. Which begs the question—why did his fiancée have that? Uh— [Multiple people laugh.]

stuart

Just for cocaine.

elliott

Oh. [Laughs.] Just for cutting up lines? Uh… now he—now this is where I have to admit I was doing the dishes and I took my eye away. So how did he use that dagger cross to—to save the day?

felicia

He threw it, right? And then he got his sword. Then he pulled the sword across the room and he’s like, “You have the power of the mind!” And then… I wasn’t paying attention at this point. I just—

stuart

I think he threw it and it cut the bonds on Gort the giant who started bashing dudes. Then he called—

crosstalk

Stuart: —uh, he called the mind sword. Felicia: Then he called the sword.

felicia

And then it’s like, “You have the power of the mind!” And Voltan was, “That’s mine!” And then they start doing something and then blah, blah, blah.

elliott

It’s amazing at that moment is when Voltan realizes that—that Hawk has the mindstone sword. Which he’s been using all movie!

felicia

He’s been—and he hasn’t—[inaudible] back! Like, why is this a revelation! Also, you—he left it in the first scene! He’s—it was right there!

elliott

Yeah. He could’ve taken it. It’s also—you would have to assume it’s part of the legend of Hawk. At one point, someone’s like, “Huh. Word will get around that someone is looking for Hawk,” when they tell Ranulf that so that—and it’s like, whoa! If that kind of word travels then you’d think the fact the guy has a glowing sword has the end of it would also get around, but I guess not. It’s kind of like the old Teen Wolf problem of how did these other high schools—how have they not heard ahead of time that this one high school has a werewolf on its team? ‘Cause you’d think that kind of thing would travel! You’d think at least the coaches would tell each other—watch out for this team! It’s got a werewolf on it!

stuart

Yeah. You would think some desperate coach would show up to a game with a pistol with a silver bullet in it. [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Yeah. Or perhaps those teams just have—all sign NDAs. Before the game. [Multiple people laugh.] And they’re like, “Why do we have to sign this?” “Don’t worry about it.” And afterwards they’re like, “Oh, we wish we could tell people that we lost to a werewolf.” [Dan laughs.] “Oop! Can’t! Can’t break the NDA! You don’t want the werewolf to sue you!” [Stuart laughs.]

dan

I like Stuart’s version, though. Where the— [through laughter] this coach shoots Michael J. Fox and then everyone’s horrified. And he’s like, “What?! He was a werewolf! Did you not see it? We were all here!” [Felicia laughs.]

stuart

Yeah. Like a real strung-up basketball coach like Ben Affleck in that new movie.

dan

Yeah.

elliott

And he’s like, “And I also have some things to say about how you’re putting on a high school play where the Confederates are the heroes? ‘Cause that’s a larger issue, too.” Boy, oh, boy. Teen Wolf. You’ve got a lot of explaining to do. Uh, so anyway—there’s a very slow-motion swordfight between Voltan and Hawk. And I couldn’t tell if it looked cooler in slow motion or lamer. ‘Cause it’s one of those things where clearly… you’re not gonna get a fast-motion swordfight from—

crosstalk

Elliott: —elderly Jack Palance. Felicia: Yeah. Lamer. Lamer.

elliott

It’s lamer that it’s in slow motion? [Laughs.] Uh—

felicia

Very much lamer.

elliott

Uh, surprise! Hawk wins. Uh, and we see—we finally see Voltan’s horribly scarred face as he dies. Uh… was it—did it live up to the promise, guys? [Long pause.]

felicia

It looked like a—somebody—like a butt boil. It was like a butt boil on his eye. [Dan laughs.] Kinda like a tomato? Smashed in there? It was pretty gross, but I was just like, “Wow. You got—really need to get that looked at! Like, this—whatever natural, uh, homeopathy you were getting done on this eyeball? Like, you need to really go to the doctor.” [Stuart laughs.]

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah. You should go to see— Stuart: Like, I know you like—

stuart

I know you like your wizard friend. [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.] You feel bad. But maybe you should go see an actual doctor.

elliott

Maybe it’s time to stop applying milkwort to it during the full moon. And just, y’know, talk to a dermatologist! But I was like, “Oh, that was it? He could’ve gotten by with that.” Y’know. Again. Middle Ages. You got elves and stuff running around. Uh, but Voltan dies. Finally. He—the world is saved from Voltan. Hawk and his pals leave, but—uh-oh!—that evil wizard god? He floats into the room like an evil Orko and is like, “Hey.”

felicia

He does look like Orko! He looks exactly like Orko! I was trying to remember the name of it! It literally is Orko! He floats in and then he’s like, sequel time, bitch!

elliott

Yeah. He’s like, “We have plans for you, dark one! We’re not done with you even though you failed completely at everything we set you up to do.” But yeah. He’s like evil Orko. He even sounds a little bit like Orko, now that I think about it.

felicia

He does! He does! I was—I totally forgot—thank god you brought that up. ‘Cause I was gonna ask you, like, what was that cartoon character? Thank you.

elliott

My pleasure. Look. If we could—just to have you on for that moment, I appreciate it.

felicia

I can sleep now! I can sleep! I didn’t sleep for two days! [Multiple people laugh.] I can sleep.

elliott

And, uh, Hawk—and the giant is like, “Hm, I hear there is some rich barons up in the north who are paying for guardsmen! Perhaps I’ll make a little gold coinage!” And, uh, Hawk finds—they’re riding together—Crow, the elf, has disappeared at this point. Uh, did he go back—I don’t know where he went to.

felicia

I don’t know! I’m like, where did he go? I love that guy! Pepperoni! Come on! [Elliott laughs.] That—

elliott

I guess he’s gotta—he’s gotta go get himself a new hoodie ‘cause that one is getting a little ripe. Uh— [Laughs.] Just wearing it around in the forest for days on end. So Hawk and his giant friend are riding along and they see—who’s this in the forest?—Patricia Quinn. Uh-oh! Some wizards are meeting in the south for bad business. Hawk is like, “Mm! Perhaps you should go to the south instead, Gort the giant?” And the giant’s like, “I guess I won’t be making that money after all. Ha, ha, ha!” And they ride off—

felicia

“Ha, ha.”

elliott

—to the sequel which was never made but which I assume would’ve been called: Hawk: The Surprise Bad Guy. Where it would turn out that like—everyone suddenly realizes, like, “Oh, Hawk is really misusing this mindstone sword by just slaughtering people left and right.” Now, okay. Uh—

stuart

I think they actually tried to Kickstart, uh, a sequel, like, ten years ago, maybe? For Hawk the Hunter?

crosstalk

Felicia: Wow. Dan: Mm. Elliott: Ohh. Stuart: Yeah.

dan

I feel like that seems like a downgrade. Being a Slayer.

elliott

From Slayer? So what would be an upgrade from Slayer?

stuart

Mm-hm?

dan

Uh—uh—well, if we’re following Cube rules, “Hyper-slayer.”

stuart

Mm-hm. [Laughs.]

elliott

Okay. that’s by Cube rules. I mean, uh, I guess—Stuart—in metal terms, what would be one step up from Slayer? Again, Slayer—top tier if you like that kind of sound! It’s not my favorite.

stuart

Big four. I mean, Metallica’s the next step up from Slayer, arguably.

elliott

I guess so. I guess that’s true. Uh, where it’s like—it’s slightly more… uh… melodic? And slightly fewer songs about Nazi war criminals?

stuart

Slightly. [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

Um… what would you—but what would you—so, uh, so that’s Dan’s pitch for the sequel is Hawk the Hyper-Slayer. Do you guys have pitches lined up for the sequel? Uh… I—‘cause—

felicia

Hawk the Facemasher.

crosstalk

Elliott: That’s pretty good. Yeah. Stuart: Mm-hm. That’s pretty—

stuart

—and very specific.

crosstalk

Felicia: Yep. Elliott: Yeah. Dan: Mm-hm.

elliott

But my real one would be Hawk the Kindergarten Cop where the guy’s gotta go undercover as a kid—

felicia

Gotcha.

elliott

So here’s the story. Uh, there’s a kindergarten, and guess who’s the principal? Voltan! That’s right—he’s training these kids to be evil wizard sacrifices or something? Looks like someone’s gotta go undercover! Because Hawk can’t just walk in there; Voltan will recognize him! They’re brothers! And so he’s gotta go in as the new teacher—H. Awk. Mr. Harold Awk. Uh, and he—y’know, he’s teaching the kids his own brand of ‘here’s how you use a sword;’ ‘ here’s what a mindstone does.’ One kid talks about how his dad is a real sex machine, just like in the original movie. And…. Then. Uh, I don’t know! What happens at the end of Kindergarten Cop? They’ve gotta climb up an electric tower or something like that? [Laughs.]

dan

[Sighs.] I don’t know, Elliott. All I know is—

felicia

Nope.

dan

—we talked about getting Felicia out of here early and [through laughter] you’ve introduced a whole new bit at the end of this. [All laugh.]

elliott

Okay. Let’s just call it Kindergarten Hawk and we’ll deal with the details later. So Dan. What do we do after we talk about the summary of the—

felicia

I’ll read the treatment.

elliott

[Through laughter] Okay.

crosstalk

Felicia: I’ll read the treatment later, okay? I’ll give you notes. Elliott: Fair. I’ll—I’ll email it to you. Dan: Okay.

elliott

If I get notes on that, that’d be great. Uh, can we—

felicia

Great. Great.

elliott

And we can attach you as a producer? Possibly star? [Dan laughs.]

felicia

Y’know what? Um… I’ll have to—I’ll have to talk to my people. My people will get back to you.

elliott

That’s fair.

felicia

Maybe.

elliott

It would be my three-year-old. [All laugh.]

dan

Um, okay. What we do now, this is the final part of the movie portion of this movie podcast. I mean, we talk about movies later. But whatever. You know what I’m talking about. Uh, and that is where— [Elliott laughs.] —we make our final judgments about whether this is a good-bad movie—a movie that was funny in its badness; a bad-bad movie—a movie that we just didn’t like; or a movie we kinda liked! And that’s, y’know. Self-explanatory. Uh, I think I’m the dissenting voice so maybe I shouldn’t go first. I don’t know if I should go last, either.

crosstalk

Felicia: Just go! Go! We already knew you’re gonna—we already know what— Dan: Okay! I will. Alright! Felicia wants to get out of here! Um— Elliott: Yeah. Come on, Dan.

dan

Here’s what I would say. I… this is not a, uh, unique notion to me… uh, I’m sure. Although I came to it on my own so I’m gonna take credit for it. Uh—[sighs.]

crosstalk

Dan: Like, movies—yeah, gravity. Elliott: Gravity? Dan, we’ve known about it for hundreds of years! [Dan laughs.]

dan

No, I was gonna say, like… movies are obviously about the plot of the movie, but also in a way they are all documentaries in that they are time capsules of when they are made? And uh, bad movies I feel like are often—or low-budget, let’s say, movies. Not bad. Are doubly so because they can’t afford, like… big costume designers or whatnot. Stuff that might, uh, y’know, people are like bringing stuff from home. It feels more of the time. And so on that level, I really enjoyed the movie. And I liked all the silly stuff like the glowing balls. But… on the downside for me, I don’t wanna make it seem like I don’t like fantasy. I feel like I insulted something very dear to, uh, other members of the podcast right now. I—I—I like it a lot, but it is not like the first genre that, uh… appeals to me. So usually I feel like there has to be a thing, specifically, I connect with. Whereas this movie, uh, feels like it was sort of generated by a random fantasy movie generating machine. It feels very basic in the plot. And I don’t wanna be too down on it because I think—although fantasy literature was a thing before this for a while?—uh, this sort of high fantasy?—um… like—

elliott

I mean, only for centuries.

dan

Well, I mean like— [Multiple people laugh.] But this specific, like, Tolkein-esque, like, thing that then sort of took over a lot of fantasy. Um… like, mostly existed in literature and this was one of the earliest movies, really, of this? So I don’t wanna ding it too much for that, but the story just bored me, guys. I just… couldn’t get into that part of it. But what do you guys say? I—ehh. [Sighs.] I don’t know. Marginal good-bad, maybe? But I mostly was bored.

elliott

Now, Dan, it’s—I mean, you don’t have to—you don’t have to feel bad about not liking it just because I’m gonna say this is a movie I kinda liked. Uh, because it is… but not—it’s not very good. It’s not a good movie. But I think the reasons you didn’t like it are the reasons that I particularly liked it? That, uh, the—it feels like the most basic template fantasy movie I can think of. Like, it really does feel like they’re like, “What do we have in a fantasy movie?” “There’s a bad guy.” “Okay.” “There’s a magic sword.” “Great. Throw it in.” “There’s a witch, maybe.” “Okay. Do it.” “There’s a giant and a dwarf and an elf.” “Yes. Hold on. Throw it in. Yes. Do we have time to add any extra touches?” “Maybe they joke about a chicken at one point.” “Okay. Otherwise?” Like, there’s something so, like, Ur, low-budget fantasy movie about this? That I really enjoyed. And… I think the things that you found boring—which were like the endless scenes of him riding through the forest? I could’ve watched that— [Dan laughs.] —for I don’t know how many hours. It was just like, this is so perfectly what it is. And, uh, I was such a fan of the music. Such a fan of the, uh, just the—the hyper-editing of the crossbow bolts? [Laughs.] Uh— [Multiple people laugh.] Definitely it, uh, it’s—it’s a little bit of a stretch at 94 minutes? Uh, this probably should’ve been, like, a 62-minute movie? [Dan laughs.] Uh, but… but I really enjoyed it. I would say good-bad and if it—I’m just listening to the soundtrack, then movie I kinda liked.

stuart

Yeah. I’m gonna say it’s a movie I kinda liked. Uh, Jack Palance chews all that scenery. Uh… cool haircuts. Uh— [Elliott laughs.] Chickens. Magic. Y’know, it’s beyond good and evil and, uh, land of darkness. Etcetera. [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

Uh, and—

felicia

Uh, I would say that I really enjoyed the movie. In that it is terrible. All these points are valid. There was no plot to be spoken of. The lead character was terrible. [Elliott laughs.] But it just had so many choices that were wrong? [Dan laughs.] I loved it. Like, every couple minutes I’d be a little bored and then I’d be like, Wow. Who made that decision? Who thought that was a good idea?!” And that’s what I like about bad movies ‘cause I could watch it—I could watch that lizard again? [Elliott laughs.] I could watch all the magic again. I could watch that pepperoni elf any time. Every crossbow thing. Like, I genuinely—two days later—wanna watch the movie again. So I would say some of the best of the bad movie.

elliott

Oh, yeah. This was the first time in a long time that I’ve seen a bad movie and I was like, “I wish we could’ve done this on Mystery Science Theater.”

felicia

For MST3K! I know! I kept doing riffs! I was like, “I should watch it—oh, no.” [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

There were so many moments where I was like, “This is the joke I would’ve done for this part!”

felicia

This is so perfect! I know! I was just like, “God, this would be so fun to riff. Oh well.”

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah. But what are ya gonna do? Maybe someday. Stuart: So yeah! You’re welcome, guys! Elliott: Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Dan: I mean, I guess… Felicia: Thank you!

elliott

Yeah, thank you, Stuart. Uh, and thank you to, uh, our special guest—Felicia Day!

felicia

Thank you!

elliott

Thanks so much for—

felicia

Thanks for having me!

elliott

Our pleasure. And, uh, y’know. And I—that sounds like it’s an open invitation for us to have you back— [Dan laughs.]

crosstalk

Elliott: —whenever we want! So okay, yeah. Felicia: Yes! As long as you have a bad fantasy movie. [Stuart laughs.]

felicia

Especially with silly string. Sign me up.

elliott

Okay. That’s a very specific genre. But we’ll see what we can do. [Laughs.]

music

Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.

promo

James Arthur: Hi, I’m James, host of Minority Korner, which is a—? Speaker 1: Podcast that’s all about intersectionality. It’s hosted by James with a guest host every week. Speaker 2: Discussing all sorts of wonderful issues; nerdy and political. Speaker 3: Pop culture— Speaker 1: Black, queer feminism. Speaker 4: Race. Sexuality. Speaker 5: News. Speaker 6: You’re gonna learn your history. There’s self-empowerment. And it’s told by what feels like your best friend. Speaker 2: Why should someone listen to Minority Korner? Speaker 7: Why not? Speaker 8: Oh my god. Free stuff. James: There’s not free stuff. Speaker 1: The listeners of Minority Korner will enjoy some necessary lols, but mainly a look at what’s happening in our world through a colorful lens. Speaker 2: People will get the perspective of… marginalized communities. Speaker 1: I feel heard. I feel seen. Speaker 9: Like you said, you need to understand how to be more proactive in your community? And this is a great way to get started. James: Join us every Friday on MaxFun, or wherever you get your podcast. Multiple speakers: Minority Korner! Because together, we’re the majority. 

promo

[Dramatic Star Wars-esque music playing in the background.] Speaker 1: [In dramatic movie narrator voice] You wept as we crafted the tragic tale of Jar-Jar: A Star Wars Story. Speaker 2: Do you mean, like, he forgives Darth Vader— Speaker 3: [Laughs.] Speaker 2: “Mesa still love you, Ani!” Speakers 3 & 4: [Laughs boisterously.] Speaker 1: You gasped out loud at the shocking twists of Face/Off 2: Faces Wild. Speaker 5: [Dramatically] He takes his kid’s face. Speaker 6: … What? [Laughs.] Speaker 1: Now, we’re writing an entire screenplay week by week on Story Break Season 2: Heaven Heist. [Music climaxes, then ceases. Is replaced by mellow synth jazz.] Freddie Wong: Hey, folks. Freddie Wong here with some exciting news about Story Break, the writers’ room podcast where three Hollywood professionals have one hour to spin cinematic gold! We’re shaking up our format by turning Heaven Heist—one of our favorite ideas we’ve ever come up with on the show—into a full screenplay.  Speaker: Heaven Heist is an action-comedy about a crew of misfit gangsters robbing the Celestial Bank of Heaven. Think of Coco means Point Break. Freddie: Join us as we write this crazy movie scene-by-scene and get an inside look at the screenwriting process on our podcast, Story Break, every Thursday on MaximumFun.org. [Music ceases.]

dan

Uh, well? Next on the podcast, uh, well you know what? Before we get into the, uh, Jumbotrons and such, I want to give an update on the—the, uh, thing we did for charity! The livestream for charity. I wanna give a total, uh, amount of the money that was raised. Uh, I don’t have the winners yet. I will have them next time. But right now, thanks to the—

elliott

Now you’re talking to—you’re talking about our Howard the Duck live show, which is still available on the Flop House YouTube channel.

crosstalk

Dan: Yes. Stuart: Uh-huh.

dan

Um, and, uh, we encouraged people to give, uh, to charity. Either for hunger relief or to help with racial justice or, y’know. Whatever charity you thought was needed at this difficult time. And Flop House listeners, uh, the total in receipts that were gotten—and I wanna also thank Audrey, who— [Laughs.] Went through everything manually and totaled this up—um, well I mean, she used a spreadsheet. But. Uh—

crosstalk

Stuart: [Through laughter] Oh, wow! Elliott: You mean she didn’t—

elliott

She didn’t, what, use like, just sticks?

crosstalk

Elliott: That she was collecting together into bundles? Dan: Well, I—I— [Laughs.]

dan

She had to do a lot of, uh, data entry. Which was wonderful of her. But, um, but yes. The machine did the adding. But uh—

elliott

She wasn’t just making marks on your wall.

dan

No.

elliott

Uh, to count it.

stuart

Scratching marks into the cell wall of your apartment?

dan

There are too many marks up there already of like, being like, “Ugh. Miserable days with Dan.” Um— [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

So you weren’t kept awake at night by the sound of her abacus beads clicking. As she tallied up the figures. [Laughs.]

dan

Yeah. But okay. That’s enough preamble. So raised by Flop House listeners, we have: $63,503.38 in total. Plus—on top of that—there’s the $10,000 that the show is donating. Uh, that was—

stuart

What?!

dan

—split evenly between food banks and, uh, and bail funds. And so… uh, basically, Flop House folks, uh, donated around $73,000. And, uh—

stuart

That’s crazy.

crosstalk

Dan: A little— Elliott: That’s insane!

dan

That is insane. That—

crosstalk

Dan: —thank you so much to everyone. Elliott: And I use “insane”—

elliott

—not in a derogatory way about anyone’s mental abilities. But that is, like, that’s a huge amount of money!

crosstalk

Elliott: Did we expect it would be like that? Dan: That is amazing.

dan

Uh… [sighs.] I thought we could, uh, y’know. I thought there might be a good total, but, uh, this—yeah. You—everyone out there exceeded my expectations and I’m so, like, proud of everybody. Uh, a little data: the average donation was around $55, although some donated, y’know, up to like $1000. There were some donations in that range. Uh, from all over Canada, the UK, Taiwan, Hong Kong, New Zealand, Australia—these are some of the places people donated from. And so thank you so much to everybody. Um—

elliott

Thank you!

dan

Yeah. And we will have the winners, uh, very soon. This—the totals came in literally, like, five minutes before I got on the call with you guys so I haven’t—

crosstalk

Dan: —[inaudible] random. Elliott: I went—we were watching—

elliott

—and we saw someone hand Dan a paper tallying it in the moment?

dan

Yeah.

stuart

I, uh, I just wanna say that I’m—I don’t know how everyone feels, but, y’know the last couple weeks I’ve felt kinda powerless and trying to find ways that I can help. Uh, and… uh, seeing this kind of outpouring of generosity is, uh, kind of reaffirming. That there’s a lot of good people out there! So thanks!

elliott

Yeah. I second that, and I second what Dan said, and it’s already been said well. So I don’t need—I don’t feel like I need to say anything extra. Except! Thank you. [Stuart laughs.]

dan

Um, yeah! And with that, I think we can, uh, get on to our Jumbotrons. We have no, uh, advertisements this week but we have a few, uh, messages from folks.

elliott

Uh, so we don’t have, uh, we don’t have any—we don’t have a Squarespace ad where I can do—

dan

No, you can’t.

elliott

I can’t do PepperoniElf.com? Alright. [Multiple people laugh.]

dan

[Through laughter] Save it, for, uh— [Laughs.]

crosstalk

Stuart: I mean, you still can! Dan: —a mani— [Laughs.]

crosstalk

Elliott: I mean, it’s—we provide only the— Stuart: I mean, you should.

stuart

You should save it.

elliott

Only the finest elf-cured pepperoni. But, uh, so I have a Jumbotron. I’d like to—I’ll do one, if that sounds good to you guys.

dan

Sounds great!

crosstalk

Stuart: Yeah. I’m okay with it. Elliott: Okay. This message—

elliott

Okay. Great. This message is: “Congratulations, Windsor, on your graduation from film school!” And the further message is: “Congratulations, Windsor, on your graduation from film school! We are so proud of your accomplishment, even though the entire industry is shut down. We are sure you will find your dream job soon—by “we” of course, I’m referring to me (your mom) and my best friend, Judd Apatow. Floppers? Please offer a hopeful word since his commencement was cancelled.” I’m so sorry to hear that! But congratulations. That’s great news. And the industry is in a short-term shutdown at the moment but it will come back. People need entertainment. People need storytelling. And something that I keep, uh… saying in conversation with a friend of mine, who is a theater director, uh, or rather what I keep thinking of that she said—she said, “I have to remember—theater companies may be in trouble, but theater will always continue. That theater is not in trouble.” And I feel like film is similar. Uh, film companies come and go. Films come and go. But the need for film will always be there. So don’t worry! You will get your shot. So congratulations! That’s fantastic!

stuart

Yay! And, uh, I have a Jumbotron to read as well and I believe this one, uh, is going to make me stretch my acting chops a little bit and do a voice. So let me get this right.

crosstalk

Stuart: Okay [inaudible muttering]. Elliott: But you normally—

elliott

You normally do a voice, right? Like, your—you are speaking with a voice.

stuart

Yeah. I do. Actually, you’re right, Elliott. Thanks for correcting me. [Multiple people laugh.]

dan

You know what? I’m just gonna do that whenever Elliott does—like, that’ll be the standard now. That’s, uh— [Multiple people laugh.] That’s great.

stuart

Okay, okay, okay. I think I’m ready, guys. “Garden Plots with Skeletor is a podcast about gardening, hosted by me—Skeletor! Yes. I’m taking time between my attacks on He-Man to help you botanically-benighted—” [Dan laughs.] “—boobs know what it takes to keep a pothos—pothos?—alive! Do you want to know gardening—do you want to know gardening success? Do you want to be kept up to date on my many brilliant schemes? Do you want to be there to witness the crushing defeat of He-Man once and for all? Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and become a master of the universe! And your garden. So subscribe to the podcast—Garden Plots with Skeletor.”

dan

Uh… do you—I—

stuart

I had a couple of mess-ups. Is that okay? Is that okay?

crosstalk

Dan: I mean, I don’t wanna—I don’t wanna note—note you to death? Elliott: No. I mean—I—no—

dan

But it sounded a little like your normal voice.

crosstalk

Dan: I—I will say. Stuart: Ah. Interesting. Interesting. Uh, thanks—

elliott

I’m saying—I—actually—and this is a compliment—uh, now I’m gonna pronounce it “He Man” [enunciating each equally, as Stuart did, rather than emphasizing the “He-Man” as it is normally pronounced] from now on. I was saying “He-Man,” but I prefer “He-Man.”

stuart

Yeah.

dan

I will say—I mean, maybe you’re going in a different direction with your conception of Skeletor. Like, a more realistic, sort of less…

elliott

Well he didn’t sound like—he didn’t sound like Frank Langella, is what you’re saying.

dan

Yeah.

stuart

Yeah. I was trying to really diverge from Frank Langella’s performance.

dan

Okay. Yeah. You gotta make it your own. Uh—

stuart

Yeah. You know.

dan

Okay. Well what we do now is we have letters from listeners. Listeners… like you? Maybe, if you send in a letter! I can’t guarantee it. Y’know?

crosstalk

Elliott: Y’know, Dan— Dan: It’s not— Stuart: We know.

elliott

It seems to me—okay, Stuart. Cue the—the fife music. [Stuart imitates high-pitched woodwind instrument.] [Singing] There is a legend from long ago; a legend of the letterrrrrs! Words on parchment sent along on raven claw or the winds of the Wessssst! These letters reached the eyes and ears of Floppers there and Floppers here! These letters carry the magic of communication all across the laaaaaand! When the shadows hang along the mountains and Gargerol the Conquerer sweeps in with his mighty hordes to burn your village and kill your children—well? There’s a letter you can write to the Flop House! Tell us about what happened and though we can’t stop the bad guy we can tell you—hey, that stinks! So send us a letter. A missive or perhaps—just throw some words into the scrying pool—” [Dan laughs.] “—at the edge of the haunted glennnn! Perhaps we’ll hear it thennnn! Letters—oh, I forgot. You are a villager in the Middle Ages.” [Dan laughs.] “You can’t write and we can’t read.” [Stuart finishes his fife impression. Dan laughs.]

crosstalk

Dan: Oh. Oh. Almost as good as— Elliott: Thank you, Stuart, for the accompaniment.

dan

[Through laughter] —the music from Hawk the Slayer. Oh, beautiful. Um, so this first letter is from Arie, last name withheld. Who writes: “After a year of trying to convince me to check out a podcast—any podcast at all, but yours specifically—I finally caved to my partner’s whims and listened to 2014’s “A Talking Cat!?!” On a road trip to NYC. I cried with laughter and now—much like a baby chick imprinted on my three flop house mamas—I refuse to follow anyone else. Lately I’ve been listening in bed at night, and the best thing’s happened: my anxious fever-dream mind chills out to your apparently soothing AF voices, and I fall into the sweetest dreams. What I’m trying to say is—Flop House, you seem to be a cure for the nightmares I’ve been having the last few years. So thanks for that. Which leads me to—"

elliott

You’re very welcome!

dan

“—what are your favorite dream sequences, or which do you consider best-slash-worst in film? Love ya! Arie.” Um, I—you know what? Uh, springs to mind is, uh, there of course is the dream sequence in Spellbound, the Hitchcock movies that was, uh, designed by Salvador Dali, which is, uh, lovely. And, uh… very… Dali-esque. And, uh… and, y’know, I love—I love dream sequences that are largely, like— [Laughs.] I don’t know. Like, people running around with giant cardboard eyes in the background and stuff like that. Um— [Multiple people laugh.] I also remember that, like, people gave Inception a lot of shit because they were, like, “Oh, y’know, this is not how dreams work. It’s not that dreamlike. Whatever.” And I’m like—and I thought that was so, uh… alien to my own experience, ‘cause I was like, “No, man… when I dream, like, everything around me is fairly realistic. It’s just that geography doesn’t make sense and time periods merge and like y’know. Like, stuff like that happens. Y’know. Like, plot lines seem to make sense in the moment but not later on when I’m thinking about them.” But it’s not like—

elliott

Hm. Interesting. Interesting. I have a rebuttal to this in a moment.

dan

Okay. Go on. I mean, I’m just saying that I don’t like, dream in sort of like a Terry Gilliam-esque sort of, uh, fantastic… universe. Or anything like that.

elliott

You don’t have an Imaginarium, is what you’re saying.

dan

[Through laughter] No. Dr. Parnassus does not show up.

elliott

Now here’s the—now I—my favorite dream sequence in movies is similar. My favorite is in the original Manchurian Candidate, when they’re having dreams that have been implanted by the brainwashers—the Commie brainwashers—but their real memories are leaking through. And so they’re remembering being stuck, uh, at a garden convention with a bunch of, uh, ladies talking about flowers that are actually Communist agents talking about assassination. And what I like about that is—like Dan is saying—it is not shot woozy or like gooey. It’s like, it’s very matter of fact. But the things that are happening are… somewhat bizarre. That the imagery is, but it’s shot in a matter-of-fact way. And it’s just a strange situation that feels real. On the other hand, here is my issue with the dreams in Inception! ‘Cause that’s what I was gonna say. It’s not the worst dream sequences in movies. Not at all. But that my problem with the dreams in Inception are—they are so not personal to Cillian Murphy. ‘Cause we’re supposed to be in his head, right?

stuart

Yeah.

dan

Uh, yeah.

elliott

And it’s like, when I have dreams, the people in it are people I’ve known. The situations are situations I’ve been in. And they—it’s—it’s not like Willy Wonka phantasmagorical or anything. But I don’t have a dream where it’s just an action sequence from a James Bond movie on the snowy slopes of the Alps? Or like, a dream sequence where it’s just a nondescript office building or a hotel? Like, my dreams are… places— [Dan laughs.] —I’ve been and people I know in new configurations. And like I’ve had so many dreams about working—being at The Daily Show and being like, “I don’t work here anymore! Why do I have to write a script now?” Like, then they’re like, “Where’s the script? Rehearsal’s in ten minutes!” Like, I would’ve rather Inception had a lot of dreams where he was, like, disappointing his family or like having trouble at work or things like that. Y’know. Dream stuff. But it would still be shot the same way.

stuart

Yeah. Yeah.

elliott

What do you think, Stu?

stuart

So I would say, uh… you guys are both wrong. The, uh— [Elliott laughs.] The best dream sequences in film, uh, number one, uh… involves a hamburger getting up off of a grill— [Elliott laughs.] —and playing “Everybody Wants Some.”

crosstalk

Elliott: Now, is that a dream sequence— Stuart: From Better Off Dead. Dan: I mean, that’s more of a daydream.

elliott

Yeah. That’s a daydream.

stuart

Mmm… okay? I didn’t realize that’s how we were splitting hairs. Um— [Elliott laughs.] And then, uh, I don’t know. Runner-up is, I guess, the Masquerade Ball in Labyrinth.

elliott

Uh, now I was gonna assume that you would pick something from the Nightmare on Elm Street series since there’s so many dreams in that.

stuart

Oh, you would think that, wouldn’t you? [Laughs.]

elliott

Now I feel like I’m stereotyping you. I apologize. [Laughs.]

dan

I—well, I mean, like, it’s my understanding that he’s not such a Nightmare fan. And you know what? I used to be with him. Uh—

stuart

I’m just not into a bad guy whose arms stretch out that far. It’s too scary. [Multiple people laugh.]

dan

That’s the thing! Like, everyone talks about, uh, how scary the first one is? I’m like, “Really? Have you seen those, uh, janky long arms that he has? Uh—" [Multiple people laugh.] But I do— [Laughs.]

crosstalk

Dan: I do like the way— Elliott: I mean, the fact that he is a—

elliott

The fact that he is a villain who wears a sweater and a hat is—right off the bat—takes the scariness down a little bit for me.

dan

I do like the weirdness, though, of the later, uh… uh… Nightmare movies where it’s really, like, fantasy-horror weirdness. And, y’know, people are turning into, uh— [Laughs.] Um, exercising cockroaches that get trapped in a roach motel. Like, that’s pretty great. [Long pause.] Um—

stuart

Yeah. It’s a good series of movies. [Elliott laughs.]

dan

Uh, okay! So moving on to the next letter. Uh, this is from Seth, last name withheld. Who writes: “I was pleased to hear that Elliott’s kid has been watching-slash-listening to Newsies. I credit the original Disney motion picture with radicalizing me as a child. It taught me that even the seemingly powerless could prevail over injustice if they stood united. And also that Santa Fe was allegedly dope. That healthy base of Newsies mixed with the punk music of my teenaged years turned me into the godless anarchist I remain to this day. So my question for all of you is as follows: are there any movies that you watched as a child that—looking back—you believe shaped your moral compass? Or kid-friendly movies that have come out since your childhood which the parents among us could use to prime the next generation of Floppers to be respectable young radicals? No gods, no masters! Seth, last name withheld.”

elliott

Uh, I was thinking about this and it was hard for me to think of specific movies that shaped my morality, ‘cause I feel like my morality was so shaped by Marvel comic books? And the tenets that Spider-Man, particularly, espoused? Uh, and to a lesser extent Captain America? But uh… I would say, uh, I—a movie I was gonna mention, uh, when I just knew the question but didn’t know the whole context was Newsies. Because ironically, I think Newsies—not ironically. Uh, strangely, Newsies has been really helpful in explaining to Sammy kind of what’s going on with the Black Lives Matter movement and those protests? Uh, to kind of help him understand why a protest happens and what mass action looks like and kind of who does it. And Newsies is a good primer on that. Which is ironic, because Disney is such a notoriously—and traditionally—anti-union company? Like, literally—the crisis moment when Walt Disney was there was when the animators tried to unionize and he had a—had a—basically, like, a panic breakdown? And it was never quite the same there ever since? But, uh… I would say that a movie that came out that I am looking forward to re-showing my son—because he was a little too young when I showed it to him the first time—is The Iron Giant? Which is—I’ve always found really beautiful because—partly because it’s—really spreads a healthy disrespect for national intelligence and military… leadership. And the idea of… uh… military strength as the go-to for how you should interact with the world? But that the, uh, the whole message of the giant being, basically, a living weapon who chooses to turn off that programming and sacrifice himself? And at the end, when—when he’s remembering Hogarth saying, “You are who you choose to be,” and he sacrifices himself to save the town. Like, I cry every single time. And I just think it’s a beautiful movie about… uh… a character who—when he resorts to violence he knows he’s making a mistake. And he needs to not do that. And that the way he can best help people is by… uh… not being a killing machine? But instead being a—like, a real hero. So I really like that movie a lot! Again, it’s a little too violent—I showed it to him when he was younger, and it was a little—it is a little too violent for young-young kids ‘cause there’s a ton of explosions and stuff. Especially at the end. But. Anyway. That’s the movie I would say.

dan

Uh— [sighs.] I—y’know, I’m having a hard time with this one, too, because—I mean, partly because I have a hard time remembering what my favorite movies were when I was genuinely young. Like… I remember that once I was sort of in my teens, the movies I watched over and over again were Heathers, Aliens, and, uh… uh… shoot. Army of Darkness. Which I don’t think [through laughter] any of those are necessarily, uh, what you should turn to for moral guidance, per se. I don’t think they’re [through laughter] amoral movies. Uh… well, in some ways. But uh—

elliott

I mean, somewhat. [Laughs.]

dan

Yeah. But um—

elliott

I mean, Army of Darkness is—if you were like, “What’s the message of that movie?” You’d be like, “I’m not sure.” [All laugh.]

dan

It’s true. Um… and the thing is, like, stuff I really dug as a kid, y’know, like… Sherlock Holmes and Uncle Scrooge kinda gave me a lot of the wrong lessons about overvaluing, um, intelligence and money. So— [Laughs.] I’ll just, uh, I’ll just pivot and use this as a, um… way to, uh, compliment my family, y’know, my—my, uh, father and mother who, like, um… were religious but not in any sort of exclusionary way in sort of, like, I feel like… the purest, uh… vision of the best parts of Christianity. Where, uh, all are deserving of love and care and… uh… not to be discriminated against. And, uh, my brothers showing me that sort of love. And I remember my brother John, um, saying, y’know, like, “You’re gonna grow up; you’re gonna fall in love with people. Maybe you’ll fall in love with a man! Maybe you’re—which means that you’re gay. But it doesn’t matter, y’know. I will love you no matter what. That is fine.” And, uh, to have that message given to me, um… when I grew up in the middle of the country, let’s say? Where such things were not, uh… uh… a message given out? As much as it should’ve been? Um… particularly when I grew up? Uh, was a wonderful gift and so maybe… we shouldn’t— [through laughter] look to Hollywood movies for our moral lessons because often they have really weird, hidden ones that aren’t so good.

stuart

Now—technically, Dan, I think you should—if you’re gonna be giving your family a shoutout, that’s a Jumbotron.

crosstalk

Stuart: But I guess Elliott and I— [Laughs.] Dan: [Through laughter] Oh yeah! We all did it! [Elliott laughs.]

dan

We all did it!

elliott

The hat trick!

stuart

Uh, no. And I’m—that actually, like, leads, uh to what I was gonna say. I feel like… so much of, uh, so much of the movies I watched growing up I’ve had to, like, de-program myself from. Uh, y’know, growing up in a, y’know, a house with, uh… y’know, just my younger brother, I feel like there—I didn’t have a lot of, uh, feminine influences in my life? And I had, uh, I’ve had to learn—unlearn a lot of, um, dumb bullshit in my head. Over the years. [Laughs.]

elliott

Well I think what—what you’re saying and what Dan’s saying are both of a piece in that, like, you can’t use—I don’t think that the question writer is saying they’re gonna do this? But you can’t outsource teaching morality to your children to… entertainment or any kind of culture? Like, that’s the responsibility of a parent, to lead them through it and also to be there so that when they’re watching things you can parse it with them and say, like, this part—

stuart

Interpret it.

elliott

Yeah. This part? You have to understand this way. This part, you have to understand this way. And like… to, uh, to be ready to… disavow things that you might love that are not—that don’t have that proper message. I mean, like, there are certain things that I’m really looking forward to show my kids but they have to be old enough that I can talk to them and say—okay. This is why this is not how you interact with the world. Like, this is—this is not something to—to draw lessons from.

stuart

That’s why these nerds should not be getting revenge. [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Well, we are not watching those movies for a variety of reasons. [Stuart laughs.]

crosstalk

Elliott: I mean, they’re not good, but. [Laughs.] Dan: Well— [Laughs.] Certainly not in the manner in which they—

dan

[Through laughter] —go about it. Um… whoo! Uh… [Laughs.] Whoo!

elliott

Yeah. Ooh boy. Ah. But even, like, there’s stuff like, uh, even movies like RoboCop, which ostensibly have like an anti-corporate and anti-, um… anti-police message to a certain extent. They’re still—underneath it—they’re still that subtext that violence is the solution to… problems. And like, that’s not—the subtext to so many movies is… look. At a certain point you have to shoot somebody or punch them. And it’s something that—I’ve mentioned Spider-Man comics before. Like, the principles that Peter Parker espouses are so important to me? But I started reading Spider-Man comics to my kids and I’m like, “Oof. A lot of this is just him punching or kicking people in the face.” [Laughs.] I think we’re gonna take a break from these for a long time. [Pause.] So instead we’re mostly reading, uh, old Fantastic Four comics in which there’s not that much hitting and there’s a surprising amount of just meeting people from other—meeting new types of people and liking them!

stuart

Yeah. You’re not just reading Bone over and over or something? [Dan laughs.]

elliott

We have—we actually—we haven’t started reading Bone. I do want to read that to them.

dan

Um, okay, guys! Well—

elliott

Unless that one’s not okay anymore. Is there new stuff about Bone that I should know?

stuart

No, it’s okay.

elliott

Okay.

dan

Let’s move on to the final segment. Where we—

elliott

Okay. Oh, to be honest, I should say—people might find this interesting that, uh, the one comic book thing that my kids want me to read to them over and over again is—there’s an issue of Silver Surfer that I have in a trade paperback that Jim Starlin wrote and Ron Lim drew. Where the Impossible Man sings his parody version of “Make ‘em Laugh” from Singing in the Rain? And every single morning—it’ll be, like, six in the morning—Gabriel will wake up. He’s, like, almost one-and-a-half now. No, he’s almost two now! He’s older than that. He’s almost two now. And he’ll be, like, “Look—Silver Surfer “Make ‘em Laugh!” Sing it!” [Stuart laughs.] And I’ll start singing and he’s like, “No. In the book!” And so I have to go get the book and, like, open it up so he can look at it. And… so that’s—that’s—so if you’re looking at the, uh, Venn diagram of culture that is interesting to my almost-two-year-old right now, it is, uh, Singing in the Rain and the Impossible Man.

stuart

Yeah.

elliott

And where that overlaps is what he’s really into.

dan

Uhhhh… now we talk about movies that we would like to recommend that—let’s say you could watch in addition to Hawk the Slayer. If you have—

elliott

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

dan

Let’s pretend we all have infinite time and we can watch whatever. Uh, what else?

elliott

And Infinite Jest!

dan

Yeah. And Infinite Jest. Sitting on our, uh, bookshelf. Maybe we got 90 pages into it, and, uh, thought, mm, this isn’t going enough of anywhere that I care about. I’ll just go back and read some of the essays instead! Uh—

elliott

I mean, I’ll admit I have never—never even cracked open the book. I’ll—it’s one I never made it past looking at it at the book—on the bookshelf and being like, hm. That seems like a lot of book. [Dan laughs.]

dan

Mm-hm. Uh, to what end—

stuart

I’m like, who’s the… I’m like… who’s the bad guy? Is it— [Dan laughs.] —zombies? [Elliott laughs.] Is it a wizard? [Multiple people laugh.] Can’t tell from the jacket so I’ll just put it back on the shelf! [Multiple people laugh.]

dan

Is it a guy named “Jest” who lives infinitely?

crosstalk

Elliott: Mmm, I’m not get— Stuart: Could be!

elliott

I’m not getting a _Poison Flower duel vibe— [Dan laughs.]_ —from this book.

stuart

Mm-hm! Exactly!

dan

Uh, okay. I—I… don’t have a, uh, full-throated recommendation this week? But I could not sleep—

elliott

Just half-throat it! Half-throat it, Dan.

dan

I’ll half-throat it. [In hoarse, whispery, strained voice] So, uh, this week I—[regular voice] No. I don’t like that either. [Elliott laughs.] Um—this, uh, last night I could not sleep as I imagine, uh, many of us have gone through from time to time during this extremely stressful part in, uh… our nation and the world’s history? Um… and so I [through laughter] watched, uh, Knock Off, the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, um… uh, with Rob Schneider as well? Uh, how do you pronounce the director’s name?

crosstalk

Dan: I’m not really—that’s— Elliott: Oh, no. It’s—

elliott

It’s pronounced “Rob Schneider.”

dan

[Through laughter] No. It’s, uh, Tsui Hark? “Swee” Hark? I don’t—

stuart

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah.

crosstalk

Stuart: “Sue Hark,” I think. Dan: Like, a well-known—

dan

Well-known, uh, uh… martial arts, uh, mostly director. Um, he did Once Upon a Time in China; he did Iron Monkey; he did a bunch of stuff. Uh, and he also [through laughter] made a couple movies with Van Damme! Uh, this one and Double Team. And, um… look. I’m not gonna make a lot of, uh… uh… claims for this movie? At a certain point—

crosstalk

Elliott: Oh, you’re not? [Laughs.] Dan: —I just lost—

dan

No, at a certain point I completely lost track of what was supposedly [through laughter] happening? And, uh, there’s a little less crazy action in it than I would like for a movie that has these sporadic, amazing, uh, bursts of crazy action? But it is a movie about, uh, knock-off jeans, uh, that one might wear, uh, that have, uh, nanobot explode-y things in them. Bombs, I guess they’re called. Although, y’know, “explode-y things” is something I’m trying to get to catch on. And, uh—

stuart

Yeah. I think you could do it.

dan

And there’s a point at which, um… uh… Rob Schneider whips Van Damme’s butt with an eel! So if, y’know. That’s something you can’t—

stuart

Sounds great.

dan

—you can’t buy. You just can’t buy it anymore.

crosstalk

Elliott: No, you can buy it. You can buy it. Stuart: Wait, you can’t buy it?

elliott

You can buy this movie— [Dan laughs.]

dan

Oh, right.

elliott

Yeah.

dan

[Through laughter] I thought you meant that I could get like on a Cameo with Van Damme and Rob Schneider and—

elliott

Possible! I don’t know!

dan

—and an eel, maybe.

crosstalk

Stuart: Certainly possible. They’re like, they’re offering— Dan: Get an—the eel’s probably the cheap thing. Elliott: It’s just—it’s just—yeah. The eel is—

stuart

They’re offering Cameo Zoom calls now! [Multiple people laugh.] Where you can have a chat with Jeremy Piven for like $15,000 for ten minutes.

dan

Can I pay to not talk to Jeremy Piven? [Laughs.]

stuart

Uh-huh. That’s $20,000, Dan. I’m sorry.

dan

[Through laughter] Oh, shit. Well, it’s worth it. [Laughs.] Um— [Stuart laughs.]

elliott

I just—I like, Dan, that you’re like—this is the movie. You can’t buy that kind of thing. [Dan laughs.] Well, then—how—wait? So is it not a movie that exits? [Stuart laughs.]

dan

Actually, it is on Amazon Prime. [Through laughter] So if you’re paying for Amazon Prime, uh, you can—you can see it right now! Uh, guys, what do you have to recommend? Stuart. I’m gonna point to you.

stuart

Cool. Uh, I’m gonna recommend a thriller from 1992 called Deep Cover. That’s right! Uh— [Elliott laughs.] —directed by Bill Duke. Uh, who’s a character actor and a director. Uh, you might know him from Commando. You might know him as Mac From Predator. Um, and Deep Cover is, uh, as you would imagine, it’s about a… uh… it’s a—about a damaged but idealistic police officer who—played by Laurence Fishburne or Larry Fishburne, uh, as the credits call him. And he—uh—

elliott

That’s how he used to go. That’s what he used to go by.

stuart

He goes undercover and becomes a drug dealer, uh, working alongside, uh, Jeff Goldblum. And it’s two, uh, two great actors at kind of, like, kind of peak sexiness? Maybe not for Goldblum, y’know. He’s been, y’know. You know, The Fly and Earth Girls Are—y’know. He’s great. Um—

elliott

So you’re saying his peak sexiness was in Earth Girls Are Easy where he was kind of like, uh, covered in blue fur, or The Fly

crosstalk

Elliott: —where he’s half fly? Dan: I mean, that is—

dan

I mean, those are very short parts of their respective movies. [Laughs.]

crosstalk

Elliott: Mmmm, I guess it— Stuart: Yeah. But that’s—you know, I’m into what I’m into! Dan: I mean, less of The Fly, but. [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

I mean, The Fly is about him turning into a fly. It’s—

crosstalk

Dan: Yeah. But I mean, he could—he gets shaved pretty early— Stuart: Yeah. So…

dan

—in Earth Girls Are Easy.

stuart

Uh, but Deep Cover is like a ‘90s noir. The soundtrack is great. Uh, it’s… uh… shot really well. It’s got so many awesome, like, lurid colors. Uh, it’s just a beautiful-looking movie and it’s edited well and it kinda all fits together with this, like, pulsing, uh, soundtrack. Uh, if—it’s like a little bit grimy and also sexy. It’s great. Check it out.

elliott

Uh, I’m gonna recommend a movie from 2015. That’s right! 21st century, everybody.

stuart

Wow!

crosstalk

Elliott: Yep. I’m gonna recommend the movie— Stuart: Do I get the—do I get the old movie prize of the episode?

elliott

I think you do. Yeah.

crosstalk

Elliott: Strangely enough. Stuart: 1992! Cool!

elliott

What’s going on? I’m gonna recommend the movie Slow West, uh, starring Kodi Smit-McPhee—that’s right! The second Nightcrawler. And Michael Fassbender. That’s right—the guy from Prometheus. What was the character’s name?

crosstalk

Stuart: Uh… Michael? Dan: Uh, Prometheus Jones.

elliott

Prometheus Jones. Yeah. [Laughs.] That’s—and it is a kind of—uh, it’s, uh, written and directed by John Maclean—or McClean, I don’t know exactly how it’s pronounced. But, uh, it’s a sort of, uh…

stuart

Prometheus Jones sounds like a 2000 AD comic. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Yeah. It does. It does sound like a 2000 AD comic. Uh, and he’s like, an amoral, like, what. Interplanetary like gambler and bounty hunter? Something like that?

stuart

Yep. Yep.

dan

Nice.

elliott

And they’re supposed to be funny, but you’re like… is this? Where are the jokes? [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] Uh, so it is about a—it’s kind of a picaresque, uh, Western about a, uh, Scotsman. A young man who goes out to the American West to find the woman he loves, who has run off after, uh, a misunderstanding, uh, in their native Scotland. And finds himself so incredibly ill-equipped for existing out on the frontier. And, uh, gets matched up with Michael Fassbender’s character, who is a bounty hunter who—at first—is helping him because he knows—but the Scotsman doesn’t know—that there is a bounty on the woman that he’s looking for. And this guy’s gonna lead him right to it. But they come to, uh, help and appreciate each other eventually. And it feels a little bit like… if the more—if the less goofy moments of, uh, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs was a full movie? Then it might be something like this?

crosstalk

Elliott: It’s called— Stuart: Yeah, I can see that.

elliott

It’s called Slow West but it’s not actually that—I put off watching it for a while ‘cause I was worried it was gonna be super slow? But it is actually not that slow. It moves at a very easy but nice pace and, uh, there’s some really cool, uh, choreographed, uh… kind of shoot-‘em-up scenes? But there’s also some sweet stuff in it. And some funny stuff in it. And I ended up liking it a lot.

stuart

And, uh… what’s, uh, what’s that other guy that’s in that movie? [Laughs.]

elliott

Uh, I mean, Ben Mendelsohn’s in it.

stuart

Yeahhh!

elliott

Yeah.

dan

Okay. Well—

elliott

Is that the guy that you referred to? I mean, there’s other guys in it. It’s not just the three guys, but.

crosstalk

Stuart: Oh, but what if it was a stage play of three guys? [Laughs.] Dan: [Sighs deeply.]

elliott

Three—yup. Who would think—I mean, that’s—there are lots of stage plays that are just three guys, but.

stuart

Yeah.

dan

So guys—uh—oh, god.

elliott

Like if Waiting for Godot had one less guy.

crosstalk

Stuart: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Elliott: It would just be three guys. Yeah.

dan

Um… well! Unlike, uh, our wonderful guest Felicia Day, I don’t have to, uh, feed a child or attend to my crock-pot, uh, chicken dish. That she mentioned before the show. But it is very hot in this room, so we should sign off soon. But I did want to say another thank-you to everyone who, uh… donated as part of our fundraiser or, y’know, would’ve donated anyway but saw fit to enter our raffle, which is wonderful. Uh, as Elliott put it last time, there are other reasons—better reasons—than to enter a raffle to donate to charity. Um— [Elliott laughs.] —and, uh, we did get, um… it was around… 1,100 uh, uh… emails? So we will be doing that, uh, reading of, uh, The Boy Next Door, which is something that we have to work out amongst ourselves. Uh, I think.

elliott

It was literally a couple nights ago that I was suddenly—I was—you had told us that the kind of early tally and I was like, “This is great!” And I was bragging to my wife and I was like, “We did a great job!” And oh, no. Now we have to do that Boy Next Door thing. [Laughs.] Like, it just dawned on me, like, oh, we have to go through with it now. [Dan laughs.]

crosstalk

Dan: Yeah. We gotta figure that out. Stuart: It wasn’t my—

stuart

It wasn’t my incessant text messages? [Dan laughs.]

elliott

I mean—wait. The text messages when you were like, hey! Boy Next Door! Hey, boys—next door! [Dan laughs.] You were just so excited about it. Let’s get next door with that boy! And I’m like, okay, Stu. Okay.

stuart

Uh-huh. Like, I don’t know about this emoji combination, but I think he’s trying to say “the boy next door.”

elliott

He’s like, well he put a boy, a neck, and a door… I assume that the neck is for “next,” but—oh, wait! No. Okay. Now it’s—it’s a boy sign and then an exit sign. And then a nest and then a door. And I guess that the nest probably should’ve been before the exit sign so that I could kinda mush ‘em together. Okay. Well this one right here—

stuart

I’m really—I’m not good at it. [Dan sighs.]

elliott

This one—it’s—it’s a butt and binoculars.

dan

Oh, god.

elliott

I guess that’s ‘cause he’s stalking Jennifer Lopez? This is—

crosstalk

Elliott: His emojis are getting very complicated. Stuart: I mean, there isn’t technically a butt emoji. Is there, Dan? [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]

elliott

I mean, I guess there’s a peach emoji, probably. Right?

dan

There’s a peach. Um… uh, for Peaches! The Original Peaches! Anyway. Uh— [Elliott laughs.] Also—

stuart

Wait, are we butts?!

crosstalk

Dan: [Through laughter] Yeah. We are three butts. Elliott: No. No. I—

dan

We are three butts.

elliott

We are three butts. I mean, we have them. I like, Dan, that you had to make sure that we knew that “Peaches” were the Original Peaches. [Dan laughs.]

dan

[Through laughter] Um— [Laughs.] Uh—I mean, we haven’t—I—I just wanted to say, too, like, I think this exceeded beyond our wildest dreams. Uh, we haven’t discussed it; I don’t want to commit us to anything; but I think that if the world continues to be crazy we probably will do another thing at some point along similar lines. So thank you for, uh, making it wonderful. And, um… yeah! Uh… check—

elliott

I mean, and you don’t have to—if you—if you missed the original contest, you don’t have—doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to donate to charity! Uh, that—I believe—is the list of charities still up on the website, Dan?

dan

Uh, yes. And if you missed the original broadcast, uh, we should reiterate that it is up on our YouTube page. Which is YouTube.com/c/TheFlopHousePodcast. But you can also just google it. Um, as with anything these days. Uh… What are you about to say, Elliott?

elliott

No, I was just gonna say—I was gonna say also, like, just, thank you to everybody and, uh, please keep the generosity going and we probably will do—hopefully the world will fix its problems in the next month or two— [Dan laughs.] —and we’ll never have to do that again. But if the world doesn’t fix its problems then I think—yeah. We should try to do something.

dan

Uh… y’know? Hey! Check out the other great podcasts at MaximumFun.org. Thank you for, uh, being our network. Thank you for all that you do. Thanks to Jordan Kauwling for, um, the, uh… the work that she does on this show. Uh, producing it. I wanna thank—again—as long as we’re talking about the, um, the live show, I wanna thank—on the show—as well as we did on the live show—uh, Matt Carmin and John Holt for all the tech stuff they did for us and the animations. And, uh, and Tony Ochre for supplying the intro that we always use in our shows. Anyway! Now that that’s all done… thank you, the listener, for listening. And thank me, Dan McCoy, for being here. [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]

stuart

And thank me, Stuart Wellington, for being here!

elliott

And I guess I’ll get—I’ll jump on this self-thanking train? [Dan laughs.]

crosstalk

Stuart: Yeah, just try it! Try it, Elliott! Elliott: And I’ll—

elliott

And I’ll say—I’ll say thanks—first I’ll say thanks again to our guest, Felicia Day, and I will say thanks—thank you, Hawk. For being the Slayer. We all needed you to be. I’m Elliott Kalan! For Flop House News. Dan?

dan

Goodnight!

stuart

Byeeeee!

music

Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.

felicia

Listen, I was just, uh, a little villager with a little tent and a dream. And I caught those butterflies and I mined those ore—rocks, and I played that terrible turnip game. But I did it! I did it for my baby! [Stuart laughs.]

elliott

I mean, it sounds like a great game.

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MaximumFun.org.

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Comedy and culture.

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Artist owned—

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—Audience supported.

About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.

Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.

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