TRANSCRIPT Ep. 307: Holmes & Watson

Transcript

dan
									
[In announcer-style voice] On this episode, we discuss: Holmes and Watson!
stuart
									
Live from Portland, Oregonnnn! [Audience applauds and cheers at enthusiastic length.]
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
dan
									
Hey everyone, and welcome to The Flop House! I’m Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
I’m Stuart Wellington!
elliott
									
Hey, over here! It’s Elliott Kalan! Hey, Dan, where are we?
dan
									
[Laughs.] We’re in— [Audience laughter.] We’re in Portland, Oregon. [Audience cheers.] Oregon? [Pronounces it “Or-eh-gin.”] Oregon? [Pronounces it “Or-eh-gone.”]
elliott
									
I—the people here pronounce it “region.”
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
We’re the O-regional peaches.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Yep! That’s… uh, I got, I think I’m—I might’ve pulled a hamstring hearing you tell that. [Audience laughter.] Um—we’ve been having a fun old time here with the audience here. And now it’s time for us to do a real show. A real live show.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Now it’s time to stop the fun! Stuart: What do you—what, do you consider what we’ve done warming them up? [All laugh.]
elliott
									
I don’t know. It’s hard to tell.
dan
									
Grudging tolerance is what we’re getting from the audience at this point. Uh, so, this is a pod—
stuart
									
You guys are great. [Through laughter] Dan’s being an asshole. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wow.
stuart
									
I’m just calling like they see ‘em! [Elliott laughs.] So what do we do on this podcast, Dan? [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Like, Stuart—what—y’know—you and I have known each other since college. You’ve known these people for, uh, y’know, like… what, an hour now?
stuart
									
I mean… it’s been a long hour! We’ve done a lot of stuff. [All laugh.]
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
I showed them a lot of pictures of cats, including my own.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] That’s true. He took them into his confidence. Or a cat-fidence?
crosstalk
									
Dan: No. No. No. You got mad at me Stuart: Mmmmm… Elliott: You really—
dan
									
—for the O-regional Peaches and this is what you come back with?
elliott
									
I had to pull my hamstring back into place! [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
So when are we going to start the stuff that we actually record? [Laughs.] [All laugh.]
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
So Dan, what do we do on this podcast?
dan
									
This is a podcast—
elliott
									
For anyone who’s the new listener who decided this was the time to jump in. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Uh… you really should’ve done it when Entertainment Weekly recommended us. Not now that we’ve been forgotten by the press.
elliott
									
Oh. Terrible. Forgotten by the press. Yeah. Oh. I—I can’t get arrested in this town! [Audience laughter.] Because drugs are legal!
dan
									
Uh, we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it!
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And today, in my hotel room—
stuart
									
Yup.
dan
									
We watched Holmes and Watson.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Dan and Stuart sharing a bed. Elliott on an uncomfortable chair. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Mm-hm. An uncomfortable chair I had been informed of ahead of time I might not want to sit on because it had been ruthlessly farted on by someone— [Audience laughter.] —at a previous time. Their name shall go unnamed. [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
They can use their imagination.
elliott
									
Uh, now, Dan—this movie—to put it mildly—this is a Sherlock Holmes comedy. [All laugh.] Now, I’m interested in, uh—you—you have a special relationship with the Great Detective—to—please tell us a little bit about your history with Monsieur Holmes, who is French. That’s why I call him that. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Uh, Sherlock Holmes—one of my great, uh, personal childhood heroes. Along with Robin Hood—for some reason—Scrooge McDuck— [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
We think it’s because, uh—
dan
									
And Harry Houdini.
stuart
									
I think it was ‘cause, uh, Robin Hood was a sexy fox.
dan
									
Uh… yes. Yes. Well I mean, there were—there were—all—all the foxes in that were sexy.
crosstalk
									
Dan: That’s why they’re called foxy. Stuart: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
dan
									
But um…
elliott
									
That’s why they named a lettuce after it! Foxy Brand lettuce. Available in your grocer’s lettuce aisle! [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Uh… but yeah! No, I—
elliott
									
So wait, uh, you—so I think it’s just interesting. ‘Cause when I was a kid, I had a—I was a fan of a particular detective. His name… was Brown. Encyclopedia Brown. [Audience applauds, cheers.] And he was a detective for my generation.
dan
									
Yeah. Well, I mean, here’s the thing, Elliott. Like, in real life… very few mysteries are solved by knowing where penguins live. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
I’ll tell you one guy who did that—his name was Brown. [Audience laughter.] Harry Brown. [All laugh.] Starring Michael Caine.
dan
									
So, yeah. No. I—I just—y’know, I’m a, uh, Sherlockian, I would say.
crosstalk
									
Dan: A fan. Stuart: Is that what they call them?
dan
									
Yeah. We’re a bunch of nerds. [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Okay.
elliott
									
And, uh, did you—when—when you were in London, did you ever go try to find his—his apartment?
dan
									
I mean, well there’s a—quote-unquote “museum” there, which is—[Laughs.] They have put an apartment there that is a recreation of what his apartment would be if he was a person and not a fictional character. [Audience laughter.] And so you can walk into a room with, y’know, like tobacco in the toe of a Persian slipper and the fake gunshot wound, uh, wounds in the wall. You know?
crosstalk
									
Dan: You don’t call ‘em wounds usually if they’re— Elliott: No, it’s a—you do if you’re a building! [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
And uh, an, uh, VR—for Victoria Regina. Like, things from the Sherlock Holmes stories.
elliott
									
And did they have any stuff from the [through laughter] movie Holmes and Watson?
dan
									
[Through laughter] They do not. I think—
elliott
									
Because throughout the film, I continued to ask Dan—Dan, what story is this from? [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Long after that joke stopped being funny! [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Oh, and it—it won’t be funny tonight, but I’m still gonna say it. Uh, so Dan—when I suggested we do Holmes and Watson, did you feel a little bit like… what—anger? Rage? Or was there a little bit of—were you a little bit aroused and intrigued? [Audience laughter.] You think maybe—maybe Will Ferrell and—and, uh, John C. Reilly cracked it.
dan
									
I—-
elliott
									
Maybe they finally “got” Sherlock Holmes. [Laughs.]
dan
									
I—[Laughs.] I think it’s more of the latter? I think it’s one of those things where you love a thing so much that you’ll see any shitty thing that involves it, even if you know it’s gonna make you angry? Just because you—
elliott
									
I went to Spiderman: The Musical. Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah. You know— [Audience laughter.] You know it’s gonna make you feel something.
elliott
									
Okay. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.] It got very sad at the end.
dan
									
And you, like—I mean—for a guy like me, who, y’know, needs to take a speedball of cocaine and heroin just to get to zero at this point— [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
elliott
									
Wow.
dan
									
Like, Holmes and Watson is, uh…
stuart
									
Seems weird that you got so excited about that joint you found [through laughter] today. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Thank you for referencing something that’s not on the show. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
I mean, he can edit… uh, I guess not. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
I think the audience at home can imagine what that story is. [Audience laughter.] There’s no new details [inaudible].
crosstalk
									
Dan: It’s—it’ll—it’ll certainly be more exciting than the regular story. Stuart: Yeah! I don’t have to ex— [All laugh.]
stuart
									
I don’t have to explain everything. Like, it’s not like I have to say, like, Dan’s a human. He was born from another human. And, uh… the universe began, etcetera, etcetera.
dan
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
You’re right. You don’t need to explain any of that. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Okay. Let’s talk a little bit about a little movie I like to call… Holmes and Watson. Uh—
dan
									
It’s good that you like to call it that, ‘cause that is the name it was given.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. So it’s—we’re in agreement, me and the movie. And that is where the agreement ends. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Now, the movie begins with a—with a quote I did not write down about logic being the key to everything.
dan
									
Oh God.
elliott
									
And then it reveals that that quote is, I guess, from an episode of Hannah Montana. [Audience laughter.] And when Hannah Montana season whatever—episode whatever—comes up, there’s a ding on the soundtrack just to make sure you got it. That you’re looking at the words as they appear.
stuart
									
That’s how you know this is not your daddy’s Sherlock Holmes movie. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
My daddy’s Sherlock Holmes movie would, I guess, be… [long pause]. The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes?
dan
									
Yeah. When was your daddy, uh, when was your daddy in the prime of his life? Was—let’s go at this.
elliott
									
He would tell you he is now. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Okay. I’ve seen him and that is incorrect. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Wow. I will not tell him you said that. Let’s not make this the Father’s Day release. [All laugh.] Okay. We begin in the year 1867. Two years after the end of the American Civil War. Information that is irrelevant to the movie we’re talking about now. And young Sherlock Holmes—not the young Sherlock Holmes from the movie Young Sherlock Holmes.
dan
									
Not Nicholas Row. Not the Christopher Columbus, uh, movie. Young Sherlock Holmes. Y’know.
stuart
									
The explorer Christopher Columbus? [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Oh, Chris Columbus! God! You know! Gremlins!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I do know. I’m just messing with ya. Elliott: Wait, were there Gremlins in Young Sherlock Holmes? [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Let’s move on.
elliott
									
I remember that stained glass man. But. Anyway. So—Sherlock Holmes, a young boy, is the new kid at some boarding school. And his mom is like, you should have friends! You should be around other kids! He has a pet turtle. Immediately, the other kids attack him and throw his turtle through the air. And his turtle gets a little, like, wheelchair like dogs get when their—when their legs are hurt. Uh, he is instantly unpopular with the other kids. They’re always mean to him. Meanest of all, they tell him that the girl he has a crush on wants to kiss him. They put a blindfold on him, and then they make him kiss a donkey’s anus? [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
I mean, I think he… kisses near the anus.
dan
									
Mm-hm.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh… I— Stuart: I mean, we’re splitting hairs at this point. Dan: I mean, who among us… haven’t had that happen to us? So.
dan
									
We can all sympathize.
elliott
									
I mean, I—I’ll raise my hand. [Audience laughter.] But uh, all the kids are mean to him. So he starts crying and they’re like, ha, ha! And he decides that moment—as a voiceover tells us—to banish all emotion from his body. And he sucks the tear back up into his eye. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
And I wanna say, like, there are… all these like Sherlock fan theories of, like, y’know, people have written stories about why Sherlock Holmes, y’know, is so emotionless. Why he—he—he denies love in his life.
elliott
									
Are there any where he’s a robot from the future that fell backwards— [Dan laughs.] —back in time?
dan
									
Um, I—almost certainly, Elliott. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Okay.
dan
									
The most-put-into-stories character, perhaps, of all time.
elliott
									
Were there any where, like, he sold his emotions to a witch in exchange for—a hat? [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Uh, yeah. My point is—is merely this: they usually, y’know, are more in the line of like… I don’t know. His dad killed his mom or some sort of, like, horrible childhood trauma. Here, this movie postulates that Sherlock Holmes becomes a thinking machine because some kids were mean to him.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
So.
elliott
									
And that he chooses to be a thinking machine.
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Yes.
elliott
									
Uh, so—
stuart
									
And he gets to that moment pretty quick. I mean, in Richard III it takes a couple of scenes— [Audience laughter.] —before he has that revelation. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
That’s right. I’m not an idiot! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
I mean, to be—
dan
									
I went to college with Stuart! Checks out!
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. It—just because he spent much of the pre-show showing people pictures of cats— [Audience laughter.] —and going, awwww. Check out this cat! [All laugh.] It should in no way make people believe that he does not have a cultured, sophisticated palate. Just because, uh, most of the time his reviews of movies either involve people ripping off their own ding-dongs or ninjas? [Audience laughter.] Again—so. He banishes all emotion and he immediately becomes a snitch and starts snitching out all the other kids until they’re all expelled. He’s the only kid at school and so he becomes a genius ‘cause all of the teachers are focused on him. And he meets a young boy who’s—I guess—the son of the—he deduces is the son of the janitor? And the—they—he says, we’ll be friends. And the boy introduces himself as…? John Watson. That’s right! No joke there! No twist! And like, it’s just… that’s how they met.
dan
									
And can I say, like—look. It would be a tremendous amount of wasted energy to look at a movie—a comedy movie with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly and say, this is not true to Sherlock Holmes. [Audience laughter.] The sheerest folly [through laughter] that would be.
elliott
									
And yet I think you shall indulge in it. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] However—[Laughs.] This is the one point of the movie made me angry on that level. ‘Cause literally the beginning of A Study in Scarlet—the first Sherlock Holmes story—is Watson meeting Holmes. We know how this happened, people! It was not in school! [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Wow.
elliott
									
Yeah. We’re through the looking glass! I understand. [Audience laughter. Lone audience member claps.] Uh, so they meet. He’s what, assigned—are they roommates? Or he’s assigned to him as, like, a—like an assistant?
crosstalk
									
Dan: I don’t know. Stuart: I don’t know.
stuart
									
They become friends and then it immediately goes to the opening credits.
dan
									
They’re just pals.
elliott
									
Is it like a Tinder thing? Like—but how did they meet each other?
dan
									
We saw it! They shook hands! What do you mean?
elliott
									
No, I mean in the story!
dan
									
Oh, in the story? Uh… Watson is back from Afghanistan, where he’s been serving as a military man who needs lodging. Uh, he has a doctor friend who sets him up with, uh, Sherlock Holmes who’s like, oh, this is a—he’s a good guy. An odd fellow but maybe you’d like him. And—
elliott
									
And Sherlock Holmes is, like, open to the idea of a roommate? ‘Cause he seems like a guy who doesn’t like other people. [All laugh.]
dan
									
I mean, just ‘cause he’s a weirdo doesn’t mean he… doesn’t have financial problems! [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
I guess that’s true. In fact, in many times a weirdo and the financial problems go hand-in-hand! [All laugh.] Not every weirdo is a rich, famous person! Alright. They become friends. Cut to the headline title sequence, which tells us through headlines in newspapers that they are now crimefighters and Moriarty is their archenemy and they’ve captured Moriarty! So, uh, as—as was relayed to me by another person who’s watching the movie with us, uh, it’s interesting to see when a movie tells you all the plot through a montage of headlines. And then has scene after scene of nothing. Uh— [All laugh.] Moriarty is of course played by Ralph Fiennes. Uh, and he’s on trial. But the witnesses have all died. So as the judge says, if there’s no witnesses I have to let you go. And this, of course, upsets Inspector Lestrade, played here by Rob Brydon, and he sits through the trial and appears many scenes next to a woman who wears brightly-colored dresses, who receives no lines of dialogue, and we never find out who she is until the credits list her as—Lestrade’s wife. [Audience laughter.] And it was—
stuart
									
It’s such a—it’s such a weird choice to dress somebody in very striking colors amongst a sea of bland colors and then not give them any lines to say. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
No, they—everyone else is wearing brown. Different shades of dank brown. As it’s Victorian England, everyone wears brown suits and stuff. Except this one woman in a blight—in a blight—bleh. In a bright blue dress—I’m so mad about it I can’t even speak! [Audience laughter.] In a bright blue dress. And it—it’s like… it just sticks out so much that she has nothing to do and nothing to say. And I kept being, like… who’s she? What’s her story? What’s that all about? Well… I hope you stayed to the credits ‘cause that’s where you’ll find out. [All laugh.] But everyone’s expecting that Holmes, any moment, will burst in and say—no! I have evidence that—I have the evidence that shows that Moriarty did it! Uh… and… Holmes is late to the trial. Why is that, Dan? What is Holmes doing at home?
dan
									
Uh, he is, uh, in his corset. He is, uh—or a, uh, what do you call it? Like, a girdle.
elliott
									
A girdle! Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah. He, uh, he’s—he’s presented as a preening buffoon in—in many ways. And he is showing Watson how he is going to burst in. And… he shows him an assortment of hats he might wear. When he bursts in. And uh… this introduces the problem of the movie, which is—if you make a Sherlock Holmes movie, and you wanna make it a comedy—you’ve backed yourself into a corner. Because you cannot go the obvious route and make him stupid, necessarily. Because then none of it makes any sense. But—
elliott
									
Then he stops being Sherlock Holmes.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Then you’ve got a different movie called The Stupid Detective. Dan: He stops being Sherlock Holmes at that point. Yes. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Which, to be honest, is a pretty funny [through laughter] idea for a movie.
stuart
									
That kinda sounds like one of those black-and-white movies you recommend. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah! I would love it. Yeah. Of course. It’s like Lee—Lee Tracy or somebody like that? And he’s like a dumb detective?
dan
									
Yes.
elliott
									
Or it—actually, it sounds like a Bob Hope movie or a Joey Brown movie or something like that. Anyway.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] He says derisively.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
But if you go the other direction and make him super smart, you’re just making a regular Sherlock Holmes movie. So this movie takes—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —the middle road— Stuart: Oh, it’s like, uh—
stuart
									
The—The Orville and Star Trek.
dan
									
Uh, sure. Uh, this movie takes a middle road. [Audience laughter.] And makes—
elliott
									
Wait, wait! I want to hear Stuart’s Orville and Star Trek theory. [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
No, but that’s what—we’re talking about that earlier! How, like… they basically are just making a Star Trek show with a couple of jokes.
dan
									
Right. Right, right.
elliott
									
And they named it after America’s favorite popcorn maker, Orville Redenbacher. [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah.
dan
									
But this movie attempts to split the difference and make Sherlock Holmes a brilliant idiot. Which makes no sense.
elliott
									
He is very great at deducing things, but he’s also the kind of guy who will hit a glass case with a beehive in it with a cricket bat? To kill a mosquito. Uh, and that’s exactly what happens. And a box is opened with a mosquito in it. And he goes, oh, Moriarty must have sent this to stop us! It probably has a disease—germ disease in it! We can’t let it out! And that means he and John C. Reilly just end up hitting each other trying to kill the mosquito and knocking stuff over and it’s really, uh…
crosstalk
									
Elliott: A waste of time. Dan: This movie has no lack— [Stuart laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
If you’re looking for a movie with a lot of shenanigans in it… do I have a movie for you. [All laugh.] The—[Laughs.] Oh, the parts-per-million of shenanigans are very high. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Yeah. But I—I—I’m surprised they—the government allowed them to release it! ‘Cause it’s—there’s a certain level of shenanigans parts-per-million that you’re allowed to have. Like, just like… every... thing of cream cheese you own has some insect parts in it. [Dan laughs.] Like, it’s okay. It won’t kill you. It’s kept below another—but this is like if you opened up the cream cheese and it was, like, all insect legs. [All laugh.] It was just all fly legs? Like, that’s what this movie is in terms of shenanigans. Anyway, they wreck their apartment. Uh, they—they almost hurt—uh, they do hurt, I guess, Mrs. Hudson, their housekeeper, who they treat very derisively. I—
dan
									
Who’s played by Kellan McDonald. This movie has so much talent in it.
elliott
									
It’s got an amaze—the cast for a great Sherlock Holmes comedy is embedded in this movie and they are not making it. But uh— [Audience laughter.] We’ll—we’ll meet some of them later on. So, uh—they—anyway. There—there’s—it begins the movie’s, uh, long thread of hurting women. Throughout the film. Uh—Holmes and Watson, they finally arrive. And Holmes says, Moriarty is innocent! Because his fingerprints were all over the scene of the crime, but he’s too smart to do that. So it must be someone trying to frame him. And this somehow turns into him talking about Moriarty being a masturbater? Or the person who left the fingerprints—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —being a masturbater? Was a masturbate— Dan: Uh, the fake Moriarty is a masturbator, I guess.
elliott
									
And I’m like, it’s one of those things where I’m like—I—I must’ve… missed the—the chain of the—intricate chain of logic that led them to Holmes and Watson standing before a crowd of Victorian Brits trying to use a—create a euphemism for masturbation that everyone will understand. And it’s like, there’s a number of scenes in this movie where you’re like… oh, they said to Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, just stand up there and improve you coming up with different ways to describe masturbation. And then we’ll show three of them. And… I’m—there’s—there’s 51 minutes of deleted scenes that come along with the movie, and I’m sure much of it is just more of this stuff. So.
dan
									
And that’s not Elliott being hyperbolic. [Laughs.] After we watched the movie he’s like, hey, do you want to watch the 51 minutes of deleted scenes? [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Now—
stuart
									
And—and we did, because we’re professionals. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. [Audience laughter.] There being no evidence, uh, the judge declares Moriarty innocent. Lestrade is furious. Uh, and—as I said—we never learn the name of his companion. Holmes is— [Stuart laughs.] —totally happy about it. He’s like, eh, Moriarty’s just gonna run off to America. And you know what? I miss the challenge of him. And he says, I’ll dedicate my life to health. Y’know, if you eat raw onion, it increases your red blood cells! Cue Holmes and Watson just biting into onions like they’re apples and talking to us about how they’re biting into them just like apples… for a while! [Audience laughter.] Like… like for a long time! Uh… this—thankfully—ends when the queen calls them. [Stuart laughs.] And instantly Watson—Watson goes and he becomes an embarrassing superfan for the queen. It turns out—it was all a surprise birthday party for Holmes, which is weird! Because Watson continues to be a superfan for the queen throughout, but like—if he planned a birthday party with her, like, that initial awkwardness should’ve been gotten over with at this point.
stuart
									
Yeah. You’re right. That’s pretty silly
elliott
									
Yeah. Like, that’s—[Laughs.] [All laugh.] That’s—
stuart
									
I think you found the flaw in this movie.
elliott
									
Yeah! To plan—to plan a surprise birthday party with someone, it takes time! Takes a certain amount of casual communication. And at that point it’s like, y’know what? We have a bond. We put together this event. We’ve worked together. Maybe we’re friends. Maybe we’re just people who, like, know each other a little more casually than we would’ve otherwise.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Why he’s so flustered around her— Stuart: Yeah, yeah. It’s like you’ve been through, uh—
stuart
									
Like two soldiers who’ve been through battle.
elliott
									
Exactly!
dan
									
I mean, hell. If the guy I watched Avengers: Infinity War with—who I did not know—stood up and shook my hand after that [through laughter] movie— [Audience laughter.] Because the emotional rollercoaster we had been through, then these two probably are best pals.
elliott
									
You would think so. Uh, but no. They’re not. So anyway, uh, Holmes cuts into the cake—
stuart
									
Did you, uh, did you get his number? [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
I should’ve at least exchanged Twitter handles with that guy.
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean, the on—if the only digits you got were the ones he shook your hand with… [Audience laughter.] I don’t know the rest of this joke. [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It sounded really cool! Dan: It’s like a mad lib answer!
stuart
									
Yeah, kinda—you fill it in, dude!
dan
									
Alright.
elliott
									
It was like you were Jeff Foxworthy workshopping something? [Audience laughter.] “The only digits you got were the ones you shook hands with. Uhhhh…”
dan
									
You might be a…
elliott
									
Well, let me move on to the next one. If you’re drinking water… but you don’t—oh, forget it. Like—I just—that’s— [Audience laughter.] That’s his day all day, is just coming up with the first part. [All laugh.] And it’s like, Jeff, start with the observation! And then just put it in the format of the joke. “Naw, that’s the easy way to do it! I like a challenge.” [Audience laughter.] “It’s not how my inspiration strikes me!” And I’m like, you’re the one who’s worth a fox, so, y’know, I don’t know. [All laugh.] As we’ve established earlier—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —the sexiest of the cartoon animals! Dan: Worthy of a fox!
elliott
									
Worthy of a fox.
dan
									
Worthy—it’s not—
elliott
									
Well, it—
dan
									
The economic value is not that of a fox. [All laugh.] But… if you wanted to, say, marry a fox— [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Okay. Okay.
dan
									
Some fox’s parents would be like, you’re worthy.
elliott
									
So you’re like—like Thor’s hammer, to bring it back to Avengers—
dan
									
Exactly. Thank you.
elliott
									
Written on it is “Only he who is worthy shall have this fox.” And Jeff Foxworthy is like, I’ll take that. Okay. Sure. But an average mere mortal—
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
elliott
									
Could not touch that fox! Okay. Uh, they dig into the cake and there’s a dead body in it. And—with a note that says—
dan
									
[Through laughter] The mark of how great Holmes and Watson is, that we would rather talk about that. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Uh, they—there’s a dead body and it’s the witness that should’ve been at Moriarty’s trial with a note from Moriarty, saying, ha, ha! I’m still around. I’m gonna kill the queen in three days. You’ll never stop me. And Holmes is like—it’s a frame-up. Moriarty would never be this—this crude. It’s gotta be someone else. Let’s investigate that body! So they go to the morgue, where—turns out, Holmes is kind of a tender tummy. And he throws up in a bucket a bunch of times. Case closed. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yup!
elliott
									
Y’know, joke achieved, I suppose.
stuart
									
And here’s where we meet two more important characters.
elliott
									
Two very important characters. We meet Dr. Grace—played by Rebecca Hall—a female doctor from America, and they just cannot believe that she is a doctor! Now, she’s not American, right?
dan
									
Rebecca Hall? Uh… I don’t think so. Is she English? I think she—
elliott
									
I thought she was. I think it’s funny, then, that—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: You have two American actors doing English accents. Dan: Oh, the old switcharoo? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
And then a—an English actor doing an American accent. And you also have Lauren Lapkus playing a character who cannot speak doing the craziest faces— [All laugh.]
dan
									
Yeah. She’s playing a feral wild child.
elliott
									
It’s very funny ‘cause it’s like—and she’s great. She’s a fantastic performer and I’m a big fan of hers. I’m a big fan of Rebecca Hall’s, too. But you can tell that for everyone else in the movie who’s a big star—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: This is a paycheck. Stuart: Will Ferrell’s in the back of the room, crying right now.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah, sorry!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And John C. Reilly’s great. Stuart: Because you did not mention him.
elliott
									
And I love Rob Brydon as we all know. [Audience laughter.] Uh, and other actors who come up later. Also fantastic. Uh… the rest of the triumvirate that should be starring in the movie. Uh, that I’ll come to later. Uh, but you can tell everyone else it’s a paycheck. For Lauren Lapkus, it’s like this could be a big breakthrough. So she is mugging the hell of it. She makes the most of every shot she’s in.
dan
									
I will retell the, uh, name-dropping story I told earlier, which is, like, early in doing comedy, I was on a podcast with Lauren Lapkus where I was like just playing like… myself. Like, I—as a comedy writer. And there was a host. And then she came and—
elliott
									
You—you weren’t playing yourself as, like, a time traveler? Or— [All laugh.] Yourself as, like, a 17th-century baron?
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Yeah. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
But she came in doing a character, like that was her job on the podcast. And very quickly I was like—I should not be on this podcast and perhaps not in comedy! Because she was so good at what she was doing.
elliott
									
So many people have said that to you and yet— [Audience laughter.] —you refuse! To take the advice!
dan
									
And yet I persist. But um—but uh—[Laughs.] But Lauren Lapkus did like, have someone as funny as her and be like—you know what? You’re not gonna talk during this movie. [Laughs.] Seems like the most perverse thing—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —in a very perverse movie. Yeah. Elliott: You’re the funny face person in the movie.
elliott
									
So. Uh… they show up and despite the initial hesitation on—on Holmes and Watson’s part to accept the idea of a woman doctor, they soon all start falling in love. With—Holmes and—with, uh, with, uh, Doctor Hall and Watson flirting over their autopsy of the body. As they play “Unchained Melody” on a Victrola. That’s right—it’s a Ghost reference, everybody.
stuart
									
That’s—that’s pretty timely.
elliott
									
Very topical! I mean, at that point I’d rather a reference to, like, a “classic”—in quotes—than a, uh, than a reference to like… some movie that can’t—it’s like how in, uh, is it Knocked Up where they’re like, oh yeah! We went to go see Spiderman 3! And they talk about Spiderman 3 for a whole scene? And I’m like… nothing dates this movie more. [Audience laughter.] Than that you are talking about Spiderman 3 for all this stuff. And I like Spiderman 3. Okay. So—uh, and Holmes and Millicent flirt over eating raw onions together. So we’ve got some love interests. But Holmes still thinks that someone’s copycatting Moriarty.
stuart
									
But this—this kinda highlights one of the weird things about the movie for me is that they—they code both Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly as like—way younger than those two guys are. Like, they’re behaving like they’re like wacky teen boys.
elliott
									
Yes. Not—
stuart
									
Which I guess could be the joke. I guess. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
I mean, it’s kind of like in—there’s a—there’s a great movie. I don’t know if you guys know it, called The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, and the only minor flaw in it is that John Wayne and Jimmy Stuart are supposed to be playing young men and they’re both in their fifties? [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.] But—
dan
									
Yeah. We looked it up. Lauren Lapkus is, uh, 32 or 33. I can’t remember which.
elliott
									
Well Dan, you never reveal a woman’s age. Let’s just say she’s 18 years younger than Will Ferrell.
dan
									
And Will Ferrell’s 51. Yeah.
elliott
									
Yeah. Uh, and—it’s very—and like, all throughout the movie I’m like, these guys would be a little funnier in these parts if they didn’t seem like they were at the age where it is sad? That they’re—this buffoonish? They’re either too young or too old. Like, if they were two doddering old men? Hilarious. The elderly are hilarious ‘cause we’re all gonna be there, so it’s okay to laugh at ‘em. Because someday someone’ll laugh at us! And young people are hilarious ‘cause they don’t know shit ‘cause they haven’t learned anything. [Audience laughter.] But middle-aged people—
stuart
									
Whoa, Elliott’s dabbing!
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah! [Audience laughter.] But middle-aged people are not funny, because they should be doing things to help the world ‘cause they now have means and knowledge! But no, instead they’re being a bunch of buffoons.
dan
									
Shouldn’t you be at your accountant right now? [All laugh.]
elliott
									
It’s like, how are you guys gonna pay your mortgage with this buffoonery? [All laugh.] Uh—and Watson, uh, he—the doctor has told he should—he’s so smart, he should be co-detective. And Watson’s like, oh, I don’t know. He has self-esteem problems. And he asks Holmes—can we be co-detectives? And Holmes says, you’re not ready yet. And that night they both have hilarious dreams about their new paramours, and by hilarious I mean—they’re—they—there’s a lot of production value in them. [All laugh.]
dan
									
By “hilarious” you mean—this was padding?
elliott
									
Yeah. It—they should’ve called this movie “padding-ton bear” ‘cause there’s a ton of padding and I can barely bear it. [All laugh.]
dan
									
So where’s the—oh, no, I get it.
elliott
									
It’s all taken care of, Dan! [All laugh.] I used every piece of that buffalo! There’s nothing left. [Laughs.] [Laughter and some applause from the audience.] Mathematically, that’s a perfect joke. [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Inaudible] Dan: And yet that shows—
dan
									
The limits of math. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
To explain the human heart. Yeah. You’re right. Uh… now, Holmes believes that the killer is a one-armed tattoo artist. I don’t remember how he came to this. He knows there’s a one-armed tattoo artist named Klinger who’s in the bad part of town. So to find him they go undercover as a couple of ruffians, which means them just drinking all night and they get very drunk and are like—just doing dumb things. And they send a late-night drunk telegram to their new crushes. And I was waiting for the scene where the crushes get it and they’re like, ugh, what is this? And they’re embarrassed. Nope! No repercussion. They just— [Audience laughter.] —they send it, and that’s the end of that bit.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
‘Cause this is Holmes and Watson!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s a comedy, so— Stuart: But it’s great ‘cause it—
elliott
									
—why should we care about any of that?
stuart
									
Well, ‘cause it’s set in the old-timey times, but they like are making thin references to… modern—
dan
									
To new-timey times.
stuart
									
Yeah. Modern… common things like sending a sext or something.
elliott
									
You have put your finger on one of the most overused types of gag in the movie! Which is—they didn’t have this modern thing back then. Mm, but what if they did? They’d probably give it a cumbersome name. So like—they end up at a gym in the next scene and there’s this sign that says, “Cycle for your soul,” and there’s a guy barking through a megaphone at some people on those big—what are they? Pennyfarthing bicycles? It’s like Soul Cycle in olden times! What’s that all about?
dan
									
Yeah. And the thing—like—I don’t know. Like, if there was one of these jokes in the movie—if they picked one—
crosstalk
									
Dan: I might have— Elliott: Yeah. One really good one.
dan
									
I might have laughed at it. Because there’s a point in this next scene that you’re talking about where they have to fight and instead of saying, uh, let’s get ready to rumble, the ring guy goes—“Let’s get ready to scuffle!”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Not just any ring guy, Dan. Stuart: Yeah. Michael fucking Buffer, dude!
elliott
									
Michael Buffer, the man who trademarked the phrase “Let’s get ready to rumble!”
dan
									
Yeah. Well, that part I wouldn’t like no matter what. But if there was— [Audience laughter.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And also—and—and— Dan: —no other, uh, anachronism joke?
dan
									
I might think, oh! “Let’s get ready to scuffle” is a funny Victorian version of this. It will make me, eh, smile mildly. The corners of my mouth will upturn. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
elliott
									
As if a fishing line, unseen from the heavens, had dangled down and lifted those said corners. [Audience laughter.] I mean, this also comes moments after Will Ferrell says, if you want to watch the fight you’ve got to pay to view it! View-per-pay! We’ll pay per view! And it’s like, we get it. Alright. Okay. So they follow this tattooed man to the gym where—oh, they followed some tattooed men into a gym where Klinger is. Who’s playing Klinger? Steven fucking Coogan, that’s who. And I’m like—so the cast of the Sherlock Holmes comedy has been revealed to us. It should be Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon. Like, they’re hilarious. They’re English. We know they can work together. And because they’ve made three movies together.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
With somewhat diminishing returns with each one. But what’re you gonna do, you know. Uh, and—so I’m like… why are you teasing me with this Sherlock Holmes comedy that could’ve been? Oh, there’s more teasing to come later. But anyway—uh…
stuart
									
Elliott teases you. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Yeah. That’s a tease of a tease—a double-tease, if you will! Two-tease? That’s how you spell “Elliott.” Anyway. So. [Loud, appreciative laughter from the audience.]
dan
									
Is that the entirety of how you spell Elliott? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yup! That’s it! [Audience laughter.] The other letters are all just kinda hidden. [All laugh.]
dan
									
The rest is gravy.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Oh! The “t”s are what hold it up! The rest is just for show. Make it look pretty. [Laughs.] Those “t”s are the structural part! [Audience laughter.] Uh—they—they have to fight a huge g—Moriarty shows up, too. Klinger and Moriarty were working together, and they’re like, you have to fight this big guy. The big guy gets—Watson beats him over the head with a chair until he is dead? I don’t know. It’s hard to tell.
dan
									
Perhaps!
elliott
									
And, uh, Moriarty kills Klinger. Stabs him in the back. And they pull out the knife and hurl it at Moriarty to reveal that he’s not Moriarty—he’s a man named Jacob Musgrave who looks just like Moriarty and was wearing a fake beard!
dan
									
As Holmes had postulated earlier in the movie, one is led to believe that Holmes is such a buffoon that he is… has been blinded by his own arrogance.
elliott
									
And he’s denying the obvious evidence in front of him.
dan
									
Yes. But Holmes is actually right. This is a fake Moriarty.
elliott
									
He is, in a way, a great mouse detective. [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
In—In a way. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
I mean, he’s like three of those four things. He’s great. He’s a detective. “The”—there’s only one of him. [Laughs.]
dan
									
He’s 75% of the Great Mouse Detective. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah! Uh, some would say the most important ones! [Audience laughter.] I would say—as—as Dan was talking about statistics in his presentation, there’s this very little statistical difference between him and the Great Mouse Detective. [Audience laughter.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Stuart— Dan: Like—
dan
									
Like how chimps and—and humans share most of their DNA.
elliott
									
Exactly! And which is very nice of us to do with them, ‘cause they don’t pay us or anything. [All laugh.] We get nothing from that transaction! [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Does that mean Dracula and Bunnicula are very similar? [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
I’m glad you raised that question. They are 50% related! The “icula” part.
stuart
									
Okay.
elliott
									
Or the “cula” part. The “I” is, I guess, junk DNA. Maybe Neanderthal DNA. A distant relative. [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh, but “Drac” and “Bunn” are not related. Stuart: Wait, the—the “I” is in the—
stuart
									
The bunny.
elliott
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Why would it be Neanderthal?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I—I don’t know what Neanderthals were doing. [Laughs.] Dan: Elliott—[Laughs.]
dan
									
The Flop House has a—a new sponsor this week. It’s, uh, the book The Celery Stalks at Midnight. [All laugh.] Available now. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
And 23 and Me.
dan
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Uh—look. Neanderthals are extinct, Stuart. Maybe because instead of mating with each other, they were having sex with rabbits. I don’t know. [Audience laughter.] I’m not an anthropologist! [Laughs.] I can only suggest theories that hopefully the evidence will bear out someday. [Audience laughter; Stuart joins in.] Continuing back to the film. [Laughs.] Uh—so—Holmes was right. Maybe it’s not Moriarty. And they receive another clue—a lump of coal that they’re told to bring to Newcastle. There is no joke in this clue, as we’ll find out later. Uh—Holmes—
dan
									
Isn’t there a phrase about bringing coal to Newcastle, though? Isn’t that like a thing?
elliott
									
You would know better than me, Mr. Sherlock Holmes guy!
dan
									
I’ll look it up while you talk.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Look it up! Stuart: Which is the—
dan
									
Which is our usual, uh… division of labor. You talk… and I’m sort of in the background. [Quiet laughter from audience. Stuart lets out a bark of a laugh.] What? Mild—mild laughter from the audience ‘cause they know it’s true.
stuart
									
No, I guess, uh— [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
‘Cause it was very awkward and uncomfortable! [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Have they—have they, uh—have they Weekend at Bernie’s the queen yet? Or—[inaudible].
elliott
									
No, that hasn’t happened yet. Okay. So— [Audience laughter.] That’s up next. Holmes—
dan
									
Coals to Newcastle—a phrase meaning something brought or sent to a place where it is already plentiful.
elliott
									
Ohhhhh.
dan
									
So Holmes and Watson is making reference to an outdated—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —aphorism that none of us know. Stuart: So it’s a smart—
stuart
									
It’s a smart movie.
dan
									
Yeah. [All laugh.]
dan
									
I guess.
elliott
									
Look, they can make new things into old stuff, they can make old things into new stuff! Holmes and Watson! Try it today! Y’know? [Audience laughter.] Does both. Goes both ways. Holmes—
dan
									
Odd Life of Timothy Green. Go on. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Holmes thinks that, uh, their love interests—the Americans—might be the murderers or working for the murderer. Uh, and the queen shows up to say, hey, I have two days to live if you guys don’t solve this mystery. Uh, John C. Reilly, of course, a huge fan, he decided he wants to take a selfie with the queen so some jokes about—oh, no, it’s a photograph that I take myself! The best way to do it is to make a face like a duck-billed platypus! Watch this! And we watch as—instead of doing a joke about like oh they’re doing duck face! They then hit the queen in the face with the camera accidentally and they decide she’s dead.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And… mush her into—try to mush her into a trunk. Into a—into a chest or whatever. Uh, really being terrible with her body. And of course there’s a part where Watson is trying to shove her in and it looks like he’s humping her and starts slapping her butt for some reason?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. This is the point— Elliott: This is the Queen of England, by the way.
elliott
									
And trust me—let me just say this. I have to stand up for it. [Stuart laughs loudly.] I am no monarchist. I’m glad we’re not part of the British Empire anymore. [Loud cheering, applause from audience.] An unelected—unelected monarch? No thank you! I wanna have a say in who my leader is. Now—
dan
									
Wow. Elliott’s really, uh, taking an unpopular stand here! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Of course—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
elliott
									
Due to the systems put in place, I have much less of a say in who is my leader than other parts of the country geographically that counts for the Senate also. But in theory—in theory—no dumb, old lady—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Yup. Dan: Okay. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Can just be born onto the throne and then tell me she’s not amused. Well, I’m not amused by her. Take that, Queen Victoria. You got slammed. [Cheering and applause from audience.] Thank you.
dan
									
Wow.
elliott
									
Take that, Queen Victoria! I’m gonna—
dan
									
Strong words!
elliott
									
I once—I once was on a trip to Scotland and I was—
dan
									
Oh boy. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
The love—the lovely city of Glasgow.
dan
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And is it my favorite Scottish city? Of course not. Edinburgh is. It’s the best city in the world, maybe. [Scattered cheers, applause from audience.] So they—they fry everything. [Audience laughter.] I went into a restaurant and I had fried hamburgers followed by fried candy bars. They took French fries—already fried—and they batter and fry them. It’s the greatest city in the world. [Audience laughter.] Now—and I went—but I went to Glasgow, where I assume they also do frying. And there was this big open plaza with statues of great Scots. Y’know. And not like—“Great Scott!” Not like that. [Audience laughter.] It was like—
stuart
									
People are just standing around being shocked.
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. People from—from—great people of Scotland. And there was a statue of Queen Victoria—these are—there’s like people who invented things are there. Great statesmen. Only one woman, which was Queen Victoria. I mean, that’s obviously a problem with history, that imbalance. The only woman there is Queen Victoria, because she visited Glasgow once. [Audience laughter.] So they put up a statue ‘cause she’s visited there once! Dan, if that was the case, there would be so many Popeyes across this great nation that had statues of me in ‘em. [All laugh.] And I feel a little offended that there aren’t!
dan
									
Y’know, Elliott. Before we started this show, um… the—our point person at the venue said, there is no hard out for the show. And I think you took that a little too much—
elliott
									
Alright.
dan
									
To your own heart. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
So anyway. Uh, Queen Victoria is there. They, uh, think they’ve killed her and they are abusing her body terribly. They’re—and—they’re—and, uh, once her guards run in and they’re literally about to dismember her with a bone saw to get rid of her body. When she wakes up, asks for a copy of the selfie photograph, and leaves abruptly. Well! So there ya have it. The movie almost cut a live woman up—[Laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yup. [Audience laughter.] This is the moment at which the audience, uh… almost kills themselves because they’re like, surely there’s no more laughs to be had in life! We must— [Audience laughter.] —deliver ourselves over to the afterlife, where perhaps there’s more humor to be had. But Holmes and Watson has used all of it up on earth.
elliott
									
There is none. It’s a precious resource and they’ve used it all.
stuart
									
Hey—hey Elliott—uh—you do anything else fun while you were in Scotland?
dan
									
[Through laughter] Okay. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Oh, well I mean I’ve been there a couple times.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Jesus, God. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Obviously. I mean, there’s—Edinburgh Castle is beautiful.
stuart
									
Oh yeah, that sounds cool!
elliott
									
They—it’s got such history! Uh, and I was—I was online for the—for the tour and I could see there were lots of people that are—were Scottish. And the castle’s been there a thousand years. And it really struck me. I was like—I live in a country where… most of the people in it can pinpoint, for the most part, when their ancestors came to this country. And to live in a place where your family—as far as you know—has always lived for thousands of years—it was—I was like, that’s such—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —a different experience from my own. Stuart: It’s—yeah. It’s really emotional.
elliott
									
I found that really interesting. Anyway. Not necessarily one’s better than the other, but just a different experience. Of course, my wife and I—on a different trip—we hiked the last three days of the West Highland Way. [Audience laughter.] Beautiful hiking.
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
elliott
									
From the moors to the forest? It was a fairy tale land.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yeah. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
I had haggis every dinner. [Audience laughter.] While I was there.
dan
									
Stuart… if there’s one person who does not need to be encouraged… [Audience laughter.] It’s Elliott.
elliott
									
Dan, as a great man once said—if you remove whatever is impossible— [Dan laughs.] Then whatever is left behind, I will talk about forever! [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Those were—those were the immortal words of Lizzie McGuire, maybe? [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Yeah. I think so. Or Alex Mack. I don’t know. Anyways. So—uh—there’s—so Holmes is like, we’re gonna seduce the American ladies. And make them reveal their secrets. So they go on a picnic and—for the reasons that are too stupid to get into—Holmes is like, no, actually, I guess they’re okay. So that’s—that was a dead end. Now— [Dan laughs.] They decide they have to go talk to the on—other smartest man in England. That’s right—Sherlock Holmes has a brother.
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
His name, Dan?
dan
									
Mycroft.
elliott
									
Now, Dan, up to this point the movie’s been pretty close to the Holmes canon, right? [All laugh.]
dan
									
Not—not perfect.
elliott
									
When they break that beehive with a cricket bat? When they have to shove Queen Victoria’s dead body into a trunk? [All laugh.] Uh, that’s all—all the masturbation stuff? That’s all from the original Conan Doyle stories, right?
dan
									
[Through laughter] All of—yeah. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
elliott
									
I—it’s almost like—so I know that—this old story of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle not wanting—being tired of Sherlock Holmes and trying to kill him, in—what, The Final Question? The Final—
dan
									
The Final Problem.
elliott
									
The Final Problem. Uh, and it’s almost like… then this—he decided instead to write the dumbest Sherlock Holmes story ever. It’s like, “This’ll cure them of their love of Holmes!” [Audience laughter.] “I’ll just make it bad!”
dan
									
“What if he vomits into a bucket repeatedly?!”
elliott
									
“What if he eats an onion like an apple and just keeps talking about it?” [All laugh.] But, uh, they—he goes to see Mycroft Holmes. Okay. Imagine my delight and then disappointment. When I discover who is playing Mycroft Holmes. Dan, can you—who is playing Mycroft Holmes? I can’t even say it.
dan
									
[Laughs.] Mr. Hugh Laurie.
elliott
									
That’s right! Mr. Hugh Laurie. [Some expressions of surprise and disappointment from audience.] Who could also have conceivably played a buffoonish Sherlock Holmes in a comedy! [Scattered laughter and applause from audience.] So this movie is—
dan
									
He’s played a buffoon! He’s basically played Sherlock Holmes! Put ‘em together!
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Come on! It’s not rocket science, people! So the movie has been teasing us with three other possible leads for the movie. [Audience laughter.] Four, if you count Rebecca Hall—which I will, for that matter!
stuart
									
Sure. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
I would love that! And yet—has there ever been a lady Sherlock Holmes with, like, a lady Watson?
stuart
									
In a non-porno…?
elliott
									
Yes. I think that— [Audience laughter.] I’m—I wish that went without saying.
dan
									
I mean, there’s a female Watson in Elementary with Johnny Lee Miller.
elliott
									
No, but I mean both leads.
dan
									
But I can’t—I’m sure there has. I cannot think.
elliott
									
A She-lock Holmes, if you will. [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
I won’t!
dan
									
I will not do that, sir. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Alright. Okay.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh—submitted and rejected. Dan: [Through laughter] I—I will—
elliott
									
I—
dan
									
Something about it feels sexist. I don’t know what, but I don’t like it. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
What about a black Sherlock Holmes and a black Watson?
dan
									
No. I mean, like—let’s do it, but don’t get into it. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Okay. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
I’m all in support of it. I’m not in support of you discussing it.
elliott
									
Alright. [Audience laughter.] I guess I’m not the right person for it. Anyway. Uh—so—uh, once again, Mycroft Holmes and Sherlock Holmes—they’re so smart they talk to each other just with their brains telepathically. And, uh, and Mycroft says—this has to be someone who is close to you. They know your methods and they’re using them against you. And so Holmes accuses the person closest to him—Watson! [Silence from audience.] ‘Cause he says—Watson, you wanted the credit and I wouldn’t give it to you. So you did this! And they take Watson away. And everyone is kind of surprised at what a jackass Holmes has just been?
stuart
									
Yeah, and it’s—and it’s playing on—it’s playing on the idea floated by… that great movie… Sherlock Gnomes. [Audience laughter.] That Watson, tired of Sherlock, would finally snap and become the bad guy.
elliott
									
Yeah. Fine—tired of living in the shadows. Now, Dan, did you ever think as a—as a Sherlockian, that you would see a movie that would make you return to Sherlock Gnomes as a better— [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —more accurate representation of the character? Dan: [Through laughter] Sherlock Gnomes is a better Sherlock Holmes movie.
dan
									
Like, the thing is—the conception of Sherlock Holmes—
elliott
									
‘Cause correct me if I’m wrong.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Sherlock Holmes in the story is—I had—I spilled water on myself. Correct me—I’m— Dan: You were so excited to say it that you were literally dribbling water through your mouth from the bottle. Stuart: So the—[Laughs.] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait— [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
I—I—I need some clarification. So Sherlock Gnomes is named that because he’s a garden gnome. Is Sherlock Holmes named that because he’s made out of [through laughter] a home? [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: He’s—yeah. Dan: He’s made out of a Better Homes and Gardens magazine. Stuart: Oh, right.
elliott
									
Now—yeah. ‘Cause correct me if I’m wrong—this is what I wanted to say. I’m not a Sherlockian like you. In the canon— [Stuart laughs.] Is he a gnome? [All laugh.]
dan
									
I mean… [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
I literally spilled water on myself ‘cause I wanted to say that to you.
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was your most Columbo delivery. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
[Columbo voice] Uh, one more thing. One more thing. Uh—Sherlock Holmes. Is he a gnome? [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I mean— Stuart: A little more—
stuart
									
A little more Sylvester Stallone there, but that’s okay. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Sylvester Stallone impersonation] Oh, well, uh… is, uh, I just wanna know, Dan. Uh—
dan
									
Oh, it shows up every once in a while.
elliott
									
[Stallone impersonation] Is uh, y’know, it’s a good question. [Audience laughter.] Is he a gnome? I mean, he’s smaller than me—in the movies. I’m actually kind of a short guy in real life. But, uh—like—he’s kind of a wimp. He couldn’t beat me in a fight. Gnome couldn’t beat me in a fight, either.
dan
									
I mean, Sherlock Holmes is kind of an—he’s an expert in boxing, among other—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —forms of— Elliott: [Stallone voice] [Through laughter] Uh, yeah. Oh, uh—who—
elliott
									
An expert at boxing? Uh, my name’s Rocky Balboa. [All laugh.]
dan
									
Touché! Touché, Rocky.
elliott
									
I don’t know what that means. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs. Audience joins in.] Also, my name’s Sylvester Stallone. I mean, just a character. You don’t have to call me Rocky. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] I do it as a form of respect.
elliott
									
I know—do you get it occasionally—
dan
									
I—I extend to you—as respect. The way I would, y’know, uh… call the queen—the queen—“Her Majesty.”
elliott
									
Alright. Yeah.
dan
									
Rather than by her name.
elliott
									
[Stallone voice continues until indicated otherwise] ‘Cause it’s like—I know I sometimes confuse myself with my characters. But I’ve been hit on the head a lot! [Audience laughter.] So I don’t—I wouldn’t expect you to do the same! [Audience laughter.] I think you know I am Academy Award-winning screenwriter. No, that’s not true. I love, of course, to Paddy Chayefsky. [Stuart laughs.] The hack. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
I—y’know what—
elliott
									
[Dan tries to get a word in edgewise but fails; laughs.] But I tell myself that ‘cause guess who’s still around! Not Patty Tievsky! [Audience laughter.] Hey! Hey! Let me call up Paddy Chayefsky! See if he won—I can’t! He’s dead! [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
You know what—you know what, Mr. Stallone? I appreciate you fact-checking yourself—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Call me—call me— Dan: [Through laughter] In the middle of your monologue.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Yeah. Call me “Sly.” [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Alright, Sly.
elliott
									
‘Cause that’s me—Sly in the family Stallone. [All laugh.] It’s true! I have a family and they have the same last name as me!
dan
									
Oh, I know! I’m aware of your brother, Frank!
elliott
									
Don’t ever talk about him. [All laugh.] Well, I should get going. I just came to Portland so I could have some, uh, I don’t know. Whatever they do here. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter. Someone calls out something inaudible from audience.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Inaudible] something. Dan: I’m glad that—
stuart
									
I’m glad that you did the research, Sly. [Audience laughter.]
dan 
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Stuart, do you really see me as the kind of guy who’s just gonna crack open an encyclopedia? [All laugh.] And just look up under “P” for “Portland?” No. I look up under “S”—for “Stallone!” [Audience laughter.] To remind myself if I am the guy who’s a prisoner of war or if I wasn’t a guy.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Motherfucker.
elliott
									
Was I—did I live in Cop Land at one point? [Audience laughter.] I can’t remember! [Dan laughs.] Was I—I can’t remember if I’m a racecar driver…?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. You got—lots of roles. Yeah. Dan: I need an escape plan from this bit. [Laughs.] [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Well I just—so was I in jail and I escaped or was that a character that I did?
dan
									
[Through laughter] Oh, goddammit. [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could you—are you gonna see the daylight ever? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. It’s a real cliffhanger! [Audience laughter; some applause.] [Elliott returns to his regular voice] And that’s the Sylvester Stallone bit. Alright. [Loud cheering and applause from audience.] Thank you.
dan
									
[Inaudible.]
elliott
									
So we find ourselves at the beginning of Act III, end of Act II crisis. Watson has been arrested. Holmes finds that he—finds he misses his friend, especially when he reads Watson’s diary, which is just all about how great Sherlock Holmes is. Holmes starts to cry. He feels emotions again! Those emotions that he shoved away! That’s right—the movie is pretending we care about the plot now. [Audience laughter.] And he sings a song about how he misses his friend.
dan
									
[Through laughter] A song that was written by Alan Menken. [Laughs.] Uh—of—of—uh—originally Menken and Ashman, before Ashman—unfortunately, uh—sadly died. But like—you may know, uh, for instance The Little Mermaid songs. Menken and Ashman.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Elliott: Do you—can you name any of those songs? Or you forgot them?
dan
									
Uh—“Kiss the Girl.”
elliott
									
That’s the one you went for first? [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Un—“Under the Sea.”
elliott
									
Not “Under the damn Sea?” [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
I—I gotta say, I’m a—I’m a bigger “Kiss the Girl” fan!
elliott
									
Really! When I was a kid, I owned The Little Mermaid on VHS in the big clamshell Disney Library Tale box.
dan
									
Also—also Little Shop of Horrors, but—a little bit—go on.
elliott
									
That’s not a Little Mermaid song! And uh— [Audience laughter.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I know they both have “little” in the title! Dan: [Yelling] Menken and Ashman! Alright. Go on.
elliott
									
But—the, uh—I would watch “Under the Sea” and then I would stop the tape. I would rewind it to the beginning of “Under the Sea.” And I would watch that song again. ‘Cause you know what? It got my little toes tapping! [Dan laughs. Audience follows.]
elliott
									
And I’m still little and it still gets my toes tapping! [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] So, uh, they sing a song—there’s no real jokes in the song. It’s just a—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s just a duet. Dan: It’s just an example of more—
dan
									
—uh, talent thrown at this movie. Like—speaking of music, Mark Mothersbaugh does the fucking score! Of Devo, uh, known for doing the soundtracks to Wes Anderson movies, like—
elliott
									
Rugrats.
dan
									
Yeah. Amazing—amazing guy. [Audience laughter.] Just like—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Wait. Wes—Wes Anderson made the— Dan: So much talent! [Through laughter] Flushed down the toilet! Elliott: Yeah.
stuart
									
Wait, did Wes Anderson make the Rugrats movie? [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He [through laughter] made the Rugrats movie. It was called Moonrise Kingdom. [All laugh.] Uh—so for Sherlock Holmes [inaudible]—no, wait! Watson’s innocent. He would never frame me! He would never do this to me. And I love him! He’s my friend! And Watson is about to be hung. Uh, he’s watching them test out the rope, which—this is kind of a funny joke.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: They’re testing— Dan: Uh, this is—
dan
									
This is definitely—let’s give the movie credit.
crosstalk
									
Dan: This is definitely funny, too. Elliott: There are—and we’ll say—
elliott
									
This is not a movie without laughs. There are funny jokes. They’re oases in the desert of otherwise bits that don’t work. There are funny jokes in the movie. Holmes and Watson, I’ll give you that. There are funny jokes in you.
dan
									
Yeah. But it’s like—it’s like… panning for gold in like… a cesspool. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Wow! Wow. Rough. Now what—what made you think there’d be gold in this cesspool, Dan? [Dan and audience laugh.] ‘Cause usually—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —gold is in, like, streams that come down a mountain. Dan: [Through laughter] Well, I—y’know, if you’ve seen—
dan
									
[Through laughter] If you’ve seen The Ballad of Buster Scruggs?
elliott
									
I have, indeed.
dan
									
So—like Tom Waits, I just—y’know, I dug in several cesspools and I put little flags up.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And when there’s more gold—[Laughs.]
elliott
									
And you were like, [gruff voice] “I’m gonna get ya, Mr. Cesspool! You can’t stop me!”
dan
									
[Through laughter] That’s right!
elliott
									
“Mr. Cesspool!”
dan
									
Well that’s our Buster Scruggs bit, I guess. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. Uh, shall we talk about Bus—no, we shouldn’t talk about Buster Scruggs for a while. Anyway. Uh—so—they’re—but the joke is they’re testing out the—the noose. And they’re using a—a man made out of straw. And the—and they test it and it goes through the trapdoor and its head pops off and then two dogs run out to tear it apart? [Audience laughter.] And Watson’s like, the dogs seem a bit much. [All laugh.] But then a mystery figure enters the—his cell and brings him a piece of cake. And that’s when it all comes together for Watson—it turns out the real killer—should I reveal it?
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yeah.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Sure.
elliott
									
It was Mrs. Hudson all along! Their housekeeper who has turned out to be… Moriarty’s daughter! That’s right.
stuart
									
Whoaaa.
elliott
									
Moriarty has a daughter. Her name—his name is Mrs. Hudson. A character who up ‘til now has only been shouted at by Holmes and Watson, and—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And implied that she entertains—yeah. Yeah. She’s—it’s implied that the enter— Elliott: And maybe—and—and slut-shamed at one point. Dan: Well, it’s implied she’s a prostitute.
stuart
									
She entertains the affections of—what—Albert Einstein?
elliott
									
It’s a man that—he’s—so there are three—she has—her—these three henchmen, who—and I’m like, those guys kind of look like Albert Einstein, Mark Twain, and Charlie Chaplain. But that’s weird. In the credits, they’re listed as Mark Twain— [Audience laughter.] —Albert Einstein, and Charlie Chaplain! [Audience laughs, applauds.] So there must be some bit that got cut! [Dan laughs.] ‘Cause otherwise it’s such a weird—it’s—the same way it would be weird to put a woman in a striking blue dress and give her no lines of dialogue— [Stuart laughs.] It would be weird to dress up some extras, basically, in the costumes of historical figures, credit—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —them as such in the credits— Dan: [Through laughter] Honestly— [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
And give them nothing to do!
dan
									
Honestly, that is a part of the movie I respect the most. [Audience laughter.] [Through laughter] To have a character have sex with three historical figures—and never mention it. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Not since Tim Heidecker walks through Bridesmaids with nary a line of dialogue— [Audience laughter.] —and I began to wonder if they knew he was on set when they shot the film! [All laugh.] Not since that have I been so baffled by the use of background players! [Laughs.] Very strange. Well—but chalk it up to the master of—Izzy Cohen, the man who made Garfield and Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. [All laugh.]
dan
									
The man who—probably apocryphally—uh, Bill Murray thought was Ethan Coen.
elliott
									
There’s no way—yeah. That’s what—so they asked Bill Murray in a—what, a GQ interview? They’re like, why did you do Garfield: The Movie? He’s like, oh, I thought it was Ethan Coen of the Coen Brothers. It’s like—that’s not true, dude. [Audience laughter.] Then you did a second one. So like, come on. [All laugh.] Did you think, oh, this time they really got it. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Fool me once, uh… shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Bill Murray is what you’re saying.
elliott
									
I’m—shame on him all the time! I don’t know. He does all sorts of—he ruins people’s weddings! [Dan laughs.] [Inaudible.] This’ll be hilarious—I’ll go in and be in all the wedding pictures. Maybe they want one picture that you’re not in, Bill Murray. It’s their special day. Don’t make it all about you!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I was about to call him “Fletch” but that’s Chevy Chase. Stuart: He—he—he has a special day.
stuart
									
It’s called Groundhog Day. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Very true. Okay. So. Uh… Sherlock, he realizes that this is Mrs.—uh, Mrs. Hudson wants to kill the queen and defeat Sherlock in order to win her dad’s love. He never would’ve realized it because love was alien to him until Millicent—Lauren Lapkis’s character there, I realized we didn’t name—and she doesn’t talk because earlier they say she was raised by cats and that’s why she doesn’t talk. Anyway. Uh—
dan
									
There is a—there is another funny joke. Another funny joke where everyone is mad at Sherlock and they, like, y’know, do their thing.
elliott
									
They all storm out saying different things to him.
dan
									
[Through laughter] And Millicent angrily, like, hands him a note. Storms off. And he opens it up and it’s a child’s drawing of a cat. [Through laughter] And— [Audience laughter.] Genuinely funny. But moving on.
elliott
									
Uh, and so he—he goes and he frees Watson from the trap that he’s been put into by Mrs. Hudson, and they know there’s a bomb on the Titanic. Where, uh—and they’re like, ah, we had to bring coal to a new sort of castle! And it’s like—what? Come on. That doesn’t make sense. Nobody at the time was like—a castle on the sea?! This is nuts! [Audience laughter.] Like, the uh—and, uh, this is also where—this is something that shouldn’t bother me in a movie called Holmes and Watson where Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are buffoons—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
But that’s, like… this is clearly taking place in like the 1890s. Right? ‘Cause Holmes mentions that he is—that he is 46.
crosstalk
									
Dan: This is where—Elliott does a little Sherlocking of his own. Elliott: When he—he is a kid—yeah. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
He’s a kid in 1867. Let’s say he’s six years old. That means he must have been born in 1861. If he’s 46, the year is 1907 at the latest?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Elliott’s calculating the trajectory of the guy’s life. Dan: He’s in his memory palace right now. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
When was the Titanic launched? Let me go to that room. Uh, the Titanic room. Uh, let’s see—uh, 1912? Hold on a second, Sherlock Holmes movie! [Faint laughter from a couple of audience members.] You got it all wrong when the Titanic was launched! [All laugh.] And I—
dan
									
We’ve got him. We gotta shut him down, boys. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
And I think we—I think we—I don’t know Queen Victoria’s birth—death day. So I think she had died by then. [Faint voice from audience yells out “it’s 1901.”]
dan
									
I—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: What was it? When was it? Stuart: Thank you.
guest
									
1901
elliott
									
1901! Thank you. Well, let the jury—gentlemen and ladies of the jury— [Applause and laughter from the audience.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I—[Laughs.] I point to this expert witness— Dan: Elliott’s getting under the table—two times in one! [Audience laughter, cheers, applause.]
elliott
									
Who has attested that Queen Victoria—who’ve we’ve just seen with the defendants, Holmes and Watson— [Stuart laughs.] Died in 1901! And yet we are to believe she was present on the Titanic right before her maiden voyage! I have this newspaper with today’s date on it— [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Yeah?
elliott
									
With an article about the Titanic that mentions that it was launched in 1912. And so I postulate—to you—ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You must find Holmes and Watson both guilty— [Stuart laughs.] —of not caring about history. [Audience laughter.] The worst crime there is. Thank you. [Audience applauds, cheers.] The sentence, of course—is that we’re going to finish talking about the movie any minute. Okay. So.
dan
									
Yeah. We’re very close to the end.
elliott
									
They know where the bomb is and Sherlock is trying to calculate in his head the best way to get rid of it, but he keeps thinking about Millicent! He’s being distracted by love! Watson is going to have to do it. And Watson’s the one who also deducted where the bomb is! Watson—he just runs through and pushes people aside, killing a lot—like, using up time! [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. Elliott: I mean— [Laughs.] Dan: I gotta say—
dan
									
One more—one more joke I genuinely liked. Like—they—like, whenever Sherlock is doing his calculations, they pull something from the Robert Downey, Jr. Sherlock Holmes when he was like—trajectory of this; x = whatever—like, they do like a little thing where he’s like, his brain is going through all the—
elliott
									
They do it earlier when he’s drunk and he’s—he’s trying to outcalculate the trajectory of his pee—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —when he’s peeing against a wall so he doesn’t get it on his shoes. Stuart: Not—not funny. Not funny.
elliott
									
That one is not funny. But this one’s—this—
dan
									
This one’s pretty funny because Watson is—is [through laughter] trying to do the same thing, but he… is… Watson.
elliott
									
He doesn’t—he doesn’t understand the math. So he’s like—oh, it’s so hard! Is that an ‘x’ or a ‘+’? Like— [All laugh.] The math is appearing in his head but he doesn’t know how to do it. It was a fun—and John C. Reilly, he’s—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —trying to sell every— Dan: John C. Reilly is genuinely funny in this movie—
dan
									
—even though the movie is terrible. Like, he is a good comedian and this movie is so bad.
elliott
									
The man’s a trained clown! He knows what he’s doing when it comes to comedy. I mean, Will Ferrell obviously knows what he’s doing when it comes to comedy but he doesn’t seem to care that much in this one. Anyway. Uh— [Audience laughter.] So Watson throws the bomb. Of course—this being a movie—it lands in the boat of the bad guy who says “Oh, shit” right before the bomb explodes. The most cliched thing a bad guy can say when a bomb lands at their feet! Uh, the day is—
stuart
									
Yeah. Uh, that’s small comfort to somebody who’s just been [through laughter] exploded. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
The small comfort is that I’m ripping on them for a cliché?
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah, yeah. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
I’m like, you have one second to live—come up with something original, dude! [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
elliott
									
Uh, the day is saved and Sherlock Holmes shares the credit with Watson. Uh, the next day I guess? They say farewell to their ladies as they board the Titanic back to New York. Who else is there but Billy Zane, who they call out as Billy Zane— [Audience laughter.] Not playing his role in Titanic! They just say, look! It’s Billy Zane! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury— [Stuart laughs loudly; audience laughs appreciatively and breaks into applause.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, boy. Number three. Elliott: Billy Zane is still with us! [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Are we to believe that he is a Highlander? [Audience laughter.] Perhaps one of these immortals we’ve heard so much about? A vampire? One of your Robert Pattinsons? I think not. Watson gives Holmes a present. It’s a deerstalker cap. Finally, the right hat! Which means that this came before every other Sherlock Holmes story, right? [Laughs.]
stuart
									
I think so, yeah.
dan
									
No.
elliott
									
Uh, and—finally we have the origin story for Sherlock Holmes’s hat. Wonderful. [Dan laughs.] And they’re friends again. And then there is maybe the most baffling scene in the entire movie—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
We cut to—it’s the Old West on the—the Oklahoma frontier. Some frontier. We’re in a— [Audience member yells “Wyoming!”] What?
crosstalk
									
Stuart and Elliott: Wyoming.
elliott
									
Thank you. It’s the Wyoming frontier.
stuart
									
It’s a big country up there! Y’know? [Audience laughter.]
guest
									
Big sky!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. It is— Dan: Oh, boy. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Big sky country. Because the—they’ve done the studies. The sky is not wider, as people think, but actually thicker there. [Audience laughter.] There’s more layers of sky. It’s built up over the years.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Fatty deposits of sky. Dan: It’s kinda like a—
crosstalk
									
Dan: It’s sort of like a paste. It’s like a toothpaste you gotta walk through. Elliott: Yeah. Exactly. Stuart: Yeah.
elliott
									
You gotta walk through the sky and it gets all over your clothes and it’s a gross state. A gross, gross state.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Wow.
elliott
									
They dug—they actually dug a hole in Jackson to get away from the sky! [Audience laughter.] ‘Cause the sky was so thick it was pushing people down! So they dug a hole so that they could be like, whew! Get the sky off my shoulders for a moment.
dan
									
Yeah. That’s why, uh— [through laughter] That’s why, uh—fuck. Goddammit! [Audience laughter.]
stuart  
									
Yep.
elliott
									
No. Work your way through this.
dan
									
That’s why Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash were going to Jackson! To get away from the sky. Continue. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Oh, well, they’re talking about a different Jackson than that one.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: That’s not Jackson Hole, but it’s— Stuart: Yeah. Elliott. Dan: Let’s…continue. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Alright. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury—I submit—
dan
									
[Sighs] This is gonna—
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] This—this— Elliott: It’s the very—

									
So this last final scene, he’s in Wyoming. It’s the Old West. Someone’s in a saloon reading in a newspaper how the Titanic sank but a lady doctor saved 700 lives. Uh, that’s of course Rebecca Hall’s character. Uh, someone hands a note to this man—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Who—it turns out— Stuart: I mean, just call her a doctor.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: No, but the headline says “Lady Doctor Saves 700.” Stuart: Oh, okay. Uh, then I’m talking to the newspaper. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
[Laughs.] I mean, yeah! I mean, yes. The past should have been better to ladies! Yeah. [Dan laughs.] You’re right! I don’t know who’s at fault here. I assume it’s history, but… [Audience laughter.] Uh, so—it—uh, someone hands a telegram to Moriarty that says, “We know where you are and we’re coming to get you. Holmes and Watson.” He lowers his newspaper and looks at the bar, where Holmes and Watson are standing there wearing cowboy hats—but then someone walks by and they’re gone! And it cuts to credits. And I’m like—wait. So is the final joke supposed to be that Moriarty lives forever in fear that Holmes and Watson are gonna come kill him? ‘Cause it’s not funny— [Audience laughter.] —and they can’t be setting up a sequel, right? [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.] So what is this scene doing there? I submit to you—
stuart
									
Yes.
elliott
									
In a world where there are 51 minutes of deleted scenes with this movie—why didn’t they just go ahead and make it 53? [Laughs.] [All laugh.] Dan? Stuart? What are your theories? Why did they include this moment? I don’t get it!
dan
									
My theory is, uh, we’re going very long. Let’s go to final judgments! [Audience laughter.] About this movie.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] That’s not really a theory. [All laugh.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Not in the scientific sense, but, uhhhh… is this a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie or a movie you kinda liked? Elliott.
elliott
									
I think it’s a bad-bad movie. There’s a—there are some good jokes in it. But it gets me mad. One, it’s just like there’s a lot of nothing in this movie. It’s not funny enough for the amount of nothing in it. But also, it gets me mad that they’re like—hey. You like Sherlock Holmes? Sure! You like comedy? Of course I do! Do you like Rob Brydon? Yeah. Do you like Hugh Laurie? Who doesn’t? You like Steve Koogan? He’s maybe the funniest person there is. Guess what? They’re not the stars of this movie. [All laugh.] But you will see them! And it will taunt you with the movie that could have been. [Audience laughter.] So I’m gonna say bad-bad for getting me all worked up over what coulda happened.
dan
									
Yeah. I’ll make it quick. Like, for me the problem is what I said before. Like—I’m not saying you can’t make a good Sherlock Holmes comedy? But you’re bumping up against the idea of, like, okay. This guy is simultaneously the most intelligent person in the world and a complete ass? [Laughs.] But not like in an ass that like makes sense? Like, you can be the most intelligent—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —person in the world— Elliott: And believe me! [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
Dan knows what asses make sense. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Yeah, no! But like—you can be the most—you can be the most intelligent person in the world and still be an ass. Like, you can be arrogant. You can be foolish. You can like… because you’re so smart, you, like, miss the obvious? But he’s… so smart and he—as Elliott said before—hits a, uh, glass case of bees with a cricket bat. So…
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
The math just doesn’t add up. Stuart?
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean, it’s a bad-bad movie. It feels like, y’know, a couple performers put—put some effort in. But it feels like everyone else doesn’t give a shit.
elliott
									
I mean, it’s a big waste of talents. There’s a lot of great performers in this and some of them are trying really hard. Some of them are trying less hard. But—give 'em—give 'em better stuff to do. Give 'em more to do. Give ‘em… give ‘em a dream.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] No. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
A dream…
stuart
									
Nope.
elliott
									
Oh, no, it’s not time for my song yet!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Okay. Dan: Yeah, alright. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Uh…
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
promo
									
Music: Fun, cheerful, soft music. Benjamin Partridge: If you’re looking for a new comedy podcast, why not try The Beef And Dairy Network? It won Best Comedy at the British Podcast Awards in 2017 and 2018. Also, I— [Audio suddenly slows and cuts off.] Speaker 1: There were no horses in this country until the mid to late sixties. Speaker 2: Specialist Bovine Arsefat— Speaker 3: Both of his eyes are squids' eyes. Speaker 4: Yogurt buffet. Speaker 5: She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life. Speaker 6: Farm-raised snow leopard. [Strange electronic audio.] [Beginning audio returns] Benjamin: Download it today. That’s the Beef And Dairy Network podcast, from MaximumFun.org. Also, maybe start at episode one. Or weirdly, episode thirty-six, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show.
promo
									
Music: Classical orchestral music. John Hodgman: Hey, everyone! It's I, John Hodgman of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Elliott Kalan: And I, Elliott Kalan of the Flop House podcast. John: And we've made a whole new podcast! A 12-episode special miniseries called I, Podius. In which we recap, discuss, and explore the very famous 1976 BBC miniseries about Ancient Rome called I, Claudius! We've got incredible guests such as Gillian Jacobs, Paul F. Tompkins, as well as star of I, Claudius Sir Patrick Stewart! And his son! Non-Sir Daniel Stewart. Elliott: Don't worry, Dan, you'll get there someday. John: I, Podius is the name of the show! Every week from MaximumFun.org for only 12 weeks. Get 'em at MaximumFun.org, or wherever you get your podcasts. [Music fades out.]
dan
									
Now a quick word from Squarespace. Guys? You aren’t chumps. You’ve been listening to the podcast. You know what Squarespace is. It’s a way to build websites. To turn your cool idea into, y’know, like, something other people can see out in the world! You can blog or publish content. Sell products and services of all kinds, and much more. And Squarespace helps you do this by giving you [deep voice] beautiful, customizable templates created by world-class designers. [Regular voice] Oh! So many times have I wanted my designers to be world-class, but I’m like—I can’t afford that. Well, go to Squarespace! Everything optimized for mobile right out of the box. Out of the box. This is a figurative box. Squarespace doesn’t send you a box, to my knowledge. It is a… internet company. That helps you build websites. So an actual physical box would be extraneous, let’s call it? But everything is optimized for mobile out of the figurative box. A new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions, free and secure hosting, hey! If you wanna take… advantage of this, go to… Squarespace.com/flop for a free trial. And when you’re ready to launch? Use the offer code “flop” to save 10%. Off your first purchase of a website or domain. Guys? Did I say 10% correctly? Here’s the thing. Without Elliott to make fun of me? I really can’t tell. That’s the problem! It sounds the same to my midwestern ears.
dan
									
The other sponsor this week is Rayconnnn! [Slowly and emphatically] R-A-Y-C-O-N. That’s “ray,” like the rays of the sun. And “con,” like… the beginning of “Connecticut.” Look around you! It’s a wireless world. Are there wires in you? Probably not, unless you’re Michael Crichton’s The Terminal Man. Everyone needs a great pair of wireless earbuds, but before you go dropping hundreds of dollars on a pair of earbuds, you need to check out the wireless earbuds from Raycon. They start at about half the price of any other premium wireless earbuds on the market, and they sound [deep voice] just as amazing as other top audio brands. [Regular voice] Imagine if that last sentence had been coming out of Raycon earbuds in your ears. And Raycon’s latest model—E-25—is their best one yet. With six hours of play time, seamless Bluetooth pairing, more bass and more compact design that gives you a nice noise-isolating fit. Guys? Look. I—[sighs]. I don’t want to dwell on the negatives. I was worried about wireless earbuds when they were a thing because I’m like—ugh. Oh man. I’m—they’re gonna fall out of my ears! I’m never gonna—they’re gonna—I’m gonna lose ‘em and they’re gonna—oh no! I’m an old man! I’m shaking my fist at a cloud! But I—I use these Raycon… earbuds. They fit snugly? I’m never worried that they’re gonna go, uh, a-tumbling. Uh, I can just tap my ear when I want my podcast to start back up or to pause it. I don’t have to fish my phone out. From my pocket. Uh, which is filled with, y’know, uh, jacks and… uhhhh… y’know, uh… a slingshot. And… probably a—a horny toad I found out when I was down by the creek? Um, I don’t wanna—I don’t need to do any of that anymore! I don’t have to fish anything out of my pocket! Including earbuds with tangled wires! Oh my god how they get tangled. You’re just walking around! How does it happen? Only God knows for sure. [Deep voice] Now’s the—[breaks off, laughing]. Now’s the time. To get the latest and greatest from Raycon. [Regular voice] Get 15% off your order at BuyRaycon.com/flophouse. That’s BuyRaycon.com/flophouse for 15% off Raycon wireless earbuds. BuyRaycon.com/flophouse. And now? Back to the movie that personally offended me as a Sherlock Holmes fan, although I guess by this time in the podcast, we’re moving on to… uh… interaction with the audience. [Laughs.] Holmes and Watson! Enjoy the live show.
dan
									
Moving! On.
stuart
									
Okay. What do we do now?
dan
									
Uh, now we talk to people who might have questions in the audience. Uh, we—have gone longer than we normally do? Because, uh, we have felt way too comfortable with the, uh, wide-open hard out that this theater has given us? But uh—
elliott
									
Dan, I was gonna go longer than we normally do. [Laughs.] Regardless of what they told us. [Audience laughter.] There’s no internal clock in this guy! [Laughs.]
dan
									
Fair. Uh… but if you would like to ask questions—you don’t have to. Don’t feel that you must unless you’re moved to—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —with a good question. But there are— Elliott: It’s not mandatory, but there’s—
dan
									
—two microphones, uh, on either side of the stage.
elliott
									
There’s a microphone over there!
crosstalk
									
Dan: There’s a microphone on each [inaudible] side. Elliot: There’s a microphone over there!
elliott
									
And you know what? We love to hear these questions. But Dan, I thought first—y’know, I had a dream last night. [Audience laughter.] I thought I might tell everybody about it. [Dan sighs theatrically.] [Singing to the tune of “Sit Down, You’re Rocking the Boat” from Guys and Dolls] I dreamed last night I was on a plane to Portland! [Audience laughter.] And by some chance I was standing on a stage!
dan
									
Alright. You’re doing a Guys and Dolls thing. I like this.
elliott
									
[Still singing until indicated otherwise] And there I stood. And I said—I’m gonna waste some time with a song. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.] But my cohosts there were filling up with rage! [Audience laughter.] And my cohosts said, shut up! Shut up, and answer the questions. My cohosts said, shut up! Shut up, and answer the questions. ‘Cause the people are getting mad! And your singing is giving them indigestion! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! [Audience laughter.] Shut up! And answer the questions. [Audience applauds and cheers.] Thank you! Thank you.
dan
									
You know… that song irritates me on two levels. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
Okay. Bring it on. Tell me.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: One, it’s so good— Dan: Just, like—
dan
									
Just the normal level of the fact that you’re singing a song. [Mild audience laughter.] And number two—I love that song. I wish I could sing it, uh, in a musical! Not that song. The one you’re—
elliott
									
The—my song?
dan
									
—referencing. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Y’know, ‘cause Dan, I had another dream that I’ll tell you about. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
[Resignedly] Okay.
elliott
									
[Singing to the tune of Les Miserables’ “I Dreamed a Dream”] I dreamed a dream of this whole thiiiiing… [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
But in the dream we all were naked. [Audience laughter.] But it was cool—it wasn’t a thiiiiing! But boy-o, Dan, was your face redddd! [Audience laughter.] I don’t know how the rest of that song goes. I’ve never see Les Mis. [Scattered audience chatter and laughter, including a surprised “oh, wow.”]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Someday! I’ve got so much stuff going on in my life [inaudible]. Dan: Something—something about a tiger’s coming at night.
dan
									
Y’know. Whatever.
elliott
									
Somebody what?
dan
									
[Singing to the tune of “I Dreamed a Dream”] But then the tigers come at nightttt…
elliott
									
Wait, a tiger’s coming at night?
dan
									
Yeah! Something like that, right?
elliott
									
I’ve gotta see this movie! [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Everyone—everyone, sing together! Elliott: I didn’t know there was a tiger in it!
elliott
									
Okay. They should call the movie Les Tigers. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.] Okay. Let’s start with a question over here.
harley
									
Um—
elliott
									
Oh, wait, let me just say one thing! Uh—don’t worry about, uh… [Stuart laughs.] Starting your question by telling us how—how much you love the show. We know it. Thanks so much for being here! We really appreciate it. So just take it for granted we know that already. Alright. Answer your question.
harley
									
Hi! Um, my name’s Harley.
elliott
									
Hello.
dan
									
Hi.
stuart
									
Hello!
harley
									
I—I know that you don’t want me to talk about it, but I just wanna say, Stuart, that me and my buddy over there, um, had a great time with The Highly Invisible Freak!
stuart
									
Yay!
harley
									
Yes! And we marathoned that and it was great. Anyway, so my question—
elliott
									
I’ll let that one pass. That’s alright. [Harley giggles; audience laughs.]
harley
									
Um… so my question is—is—is both, um, calling out and legitimately asking my hero, Elliott—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Aw, thanks! Wait, what? I don’t like the “calling out” part! Dan: Oh, boy. [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.] Harley: Um, who—who has fallen— [All laugh.]
harley
									
Um, so I am kind of like—I really like animation? That’s my favorite kind of movie. And when me and my friend watched The Emoji Movie we felt that this is possibly one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen? I feel very strongly about that?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
harley
									
And I was like, oh boy! I can’t wait for the Floppers to really dig their teeth in this one! And when I watched your episode, I was broken-hearted to see my own favorite Elliott Kalan—
stuart
									
Wait—
harley
									
Not get that mad! He wasn’t that mad and he wasn’t like that angry about it! And I was like, Elliott! You were supposed to be my friend in this! [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Hayley: You were supposed to be with me! Elliott: You’re right. Dan: Yeah, Elliott—how do you explain your—
dan
									
—presidency of the Emoji Movie fan club? [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Hey, look, guys—a guy, y’know, it’s, uh—T.J. Miller! Such a great guy! Y’know? I just get—
dan
									
[Through laughter] Oh, boy. [Hosts laugh forcedly.] Oh wow!
elliott
									
You know what I think it was? I—even having to watch that movie for The Flop House, I was so relieved knowing that I did not have to take my son to go in the theaters. [Audience laughter.] And that he would never see it. And never ask me to see it with him! I was like, y’know what? I—I dodged a big bullet here. A—uh—Mario Brothers-sized bullet. Those really big ones. [Audience laughter.] So—but it is a—it is a piece of garbage. Like, it’s a terrible movie. So—I—next time I’ll be angrier, I promise.
harley
									
But this is what my actual, um, question for all the Floppers and Elliott. Um, was there ever a movie you saw that you were really excited to hear, like, some—like—if you had a critic that you really liked or just a friend whose opinion you really respected and you were really excited to hear what they had to say about it, but it turned out to be the exact opposite or just straight-up not what you were expecting.
elliott
									
Mmmm.
dan
									
I mean, I—when I was a kid… I read—I was a weird kid. What a surprise! Uh— [Audience laughter.] I was a weird kid. I read a lot of Roger Ebert’s reviews? Like, I just like would read his yearbooks cover-to-cover? And, uh, I found him to be… a very fun writer on movies? But he had occasionally really, really baffling views on things? Like, he hated Blue Velvet, for one? But also like… Raising Arizona, he gave like a one-and-a-half star review to. [Audience makes various startled noises, including gasps of surprise—perhaps even chagrin—at this news..] And… it’s—
elliott
									
There were gasps from the audience— [Audience laughter.] —when you said that.
dan
									
It’s—well, rightfully so! ‘Cause it’s fucking Raising Arizona!
elliott
									
Yeah, it’s a great movie!
dan
									
It’s so—like—and—
elliott
									
Who knows how he was feeling that day? Y’know? Uh—I think it was Robert Warshow who talks about, like, you have an immediate experience of a movie and you can’t always control that. And it’s something that has to be visceral. You know.
dan
									
Right. But like, it’s—
elliott
									
So maybe he was not feeling well that day! I don’t know.
dan
									
But… It—I—if I recall his review, uh, well enough? Like… it’s one of those cases where he has an objection that you’re like—how is that your thi—like—he said—said something like, “Oh, I’m willing to believe in this modern day that there are people who have interesting and—and flamboyant,” uh, “ways of speaking. But the—everyone in Raising Arizona talks in such a mannered way. Like, I cannot believe—” like, it’s just like—that’s part of the—what’s wonderful about that movie!
elliott
									
Well, I could see how… I mean, I don’t know why I’m defending him. I love Raising Arizona. But— [Audience laughter.] I think he’s wrong. But I could see how—in a world where the Coen Brothers are not yet the Coen Brothers—if you don’t go into the movie knowing they’re all gonna talk in a high-falutin’ manner—that you could get tired of it. The same way that like… before it was like—before Quentin Tarantino was Quentin Tarantino, it was like—ugh. The long speeches about stuff that’s not related to the movie! [All laugh.] And it’s like—mm, that’s what he does, everybody! Like, now you go in and you know it’s gonna happen. I don’t know. Stu, what do you think?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Was it when— Stuart: Yeah, I remember—
elliott
									
Was it when Stuart Gordon said that the Castle Freak didn’t rip his own dingdong off? [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
I mean, that—I mean, I—[Laughs.] I don’t know why you’re bringing that up in front of a whole bunch of people. [All laugh.] I, uh… I remember… I think one of my favorite experiences with a movie or review was, uh, when Birdman had come out and there was a lot of, like… uh… buzz about, like, how it was—y’know—possible Oscar buzz. And it—I remembered—going over to The Dissolve while it was still around? And pulling up Scott Tobias’s review and I was like, I can’t wait to see what he says! [Audience laughter.] And the first line of the review is—“Alejandro Gonzales in your redo is a pretentious fraud.” [Audience laughter.] And I was like—“Whaaaat?!” Like, I put down my phone like it might burn my hand? [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.] Oh, that’s fun. I don’t like that movie.
elliott
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] It’s—uh, I don’t know if we totally answered your question, but thank you for being here! Appreciate it.
harley
									
I’m glad that the one—that one of the Floppers doesn’t like Birdman ‘cause I’m like one of the only people I know who doesn’t like it either! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh. We’re united in dislike of a bad movie. [All laugh.]
dan
									
Move over to the other part of the stage.
elliott
									
Let’s go to the other mic! [Hayley says a faint “thank you!”]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yep. Elliott: Thank you.
rob
									
Everybody? This is a question from Rob Schubert. First time, long time. So—Stuart has expressed appreciation for Ravishing Rick Rude’s airbrushed tights in the past?
stuart
									
Sure, yeah!
crosstalk
									
Rob: But he didn’t always— Stuart: One of the best—
stuart
									
One of the best heels of wrestling history.
rob
									
Absolutely, yes! But he didn’t always airbrush hot ladies onto them.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
rob
									
Sometimes he would airbrush his rival. And what he was going to take from them. [Stuart laughs.] Like the intercontinental championship! So—if the Floppers were to airbrush some tights— [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yeah.
rob
									
—to intimidate a rival, who would it be? And what would you take from them? [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Well we know what you would take—Iñárritu’s two—two-year-in-a-row Best Director academy awards! [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Certainly! [Deep breath.] Oh boy.
elliott
									
So Dan, who’s your archenemy?
dan
									
It’s—
elliott
									
Aging? [Groans, laughter, and assorted “whoa!” and “oh!” from the audience at that sick burn.] It’s all our enemy!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: We don’t all wanna be—we don’t wanna become Yodas! Dan: [Sighing] Oh boy, Elliott. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Yes. When I take my shirt off and I look in the mirror, aging is definitely—yeah. [Elliott laughs.] Uh, what—what is it? You—why don’t you go? Why not—like, why not—
elliott
									
I don’t know. It’s—I don’t have any enemies. I love everybody! [Scattered laughter from audience.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: That’s not true. Dan: Stu—
elliott
									
I’m filled with hate! [All laugh.] It’s hard for me to narrow it down to just one thing I can airbrush onto tights! [Audience laughter.] I guess, ummmm… uhhhh… I guess I gotta airbrush, um, John Wilkes Booth. [Laughs.] [All laugh; some applause from the audience.]
stuart
									
And—
elliott
									
So I can—‘cause I’m coming for him! ‘Cause he’s the greatest monster in American history. [Cheer from the audience.]
stuart
									
That [through laughter] can’t be true. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Well, no. Well…? No, I guess—well, it’s so hard—I mean—there’ve been so many monsters. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And not the fun kind of monsters. [One audience member laughs at length.]
dan
									
[Inaudible] alright?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Dan? Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
elliott
									
Stuart?
stuart
									
What?
dan
									
I’m looking at you.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: We already talked about how— Dan: I’m still thinking.
stuart
									
—I was going to take Iñárritu’s two, uh, Academy Awards. I mean, or I could take—
dan
									
I’m—alright. That’s fine. Whatever. I, uh— [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Or I could take—take John Hodgman’s, like, memory putty.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Like, he likes to stick on shit all the time. [Audience laughter.] Dan: Y’know—I mean, the thing is, like—
dan
									
I’m standing here on stage, trying to think of—is there an enemy of butts? [All laugh.] And—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: No. Pants? Dan: And I’m not sure there is.
dan
									
So.
elliott
									
Like—like—Levi Strauss?
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah, that’s right. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Or, like, Lululemon?
dan
									
[Through laughter] Right, yeah. Sure. Why not that. Alright, let’s move on. [All laugh.] I—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Thank you for the question. Dan: [Inaudible] play.
elliott
									
Now it’s—this is a new game called “Stump the Floppers.” You just won it! [Audience laughter.] Over here. Yes.
guest
									
Uh, quick question here—um—so—[Laughs.] I have a question—some movies have a poor or just straight-up awful intro or 15 minutes? But have… a totally great movie that redeems itself. What is a film that starts out poor that you like that totally redeems itself later on?
elliott
									
Hm. That’s a good question, ‘cause usually it’s the endings where movies fall apart.
dan
									
Hmmmm.
elliott
									
I’m sure there’s movies that have, uh, like—yeah, that have like unnecessary prologues or bad prologues? Uh…
stuart
									
Oh! Uh, yeah! I got one. Uh—
elliott
									
Were you gonna say Up?
stuart
									
John Carter? The John Carter movie?
elliott
									
Oh, yeah! That’s a very good point. Yeah.
stuart
									
It opens on Mars for some crazy reason? Uh, it should open on Earth. Uh, and the rest of the movie’s great. I like it.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Well— [Audience laughter.] The fact—the fact that that movie has, like, three openings? Basically? Like—
stuart
									
Yeah. It’s like, so many nested narrative sequences? It doesn’t make any sense.
elliott
									
Yeah. I’m gonna take that answer, too.
stuart
									
Okay, cool. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Wow. Wow. Uh—
stuart
									
That’s—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Leaving me hung out to dry. Brave of you. Stuart: Yeah. Elliott: You could also jump on the bandwagon! Dan: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Elliott: There’s room in this tub for three men! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
There’s room on this baby for three men! [All laugh.]
dan
									
There’s a butcher; there’s a baker; there’s a candlestick maker on that already. I can’t, uh— [Elliott laughs.] Uh, no. The only—like, the only thing that’s coming to mind right now is… um… y’know, I’m… I don’t know when this happened, because like… I’m a fan of comics but I’m not necessarily like a huge, uh, superhero comics fan growing up. But I—but I—but over the years, because Marvel has been so insidiously good at making me care about the characters they’ve introduced—like, I became a very big fan of all those Marvel movies in a way that, like, kind of—somewhere deep in my heart as like a film buff I’m like—[voice that sounds as though it’s through gritted teeth] “You shouldn’t like these as much as you do!” [regular voice] But like I really do like them very much. And so… I, uh—went with my girlfriend to… Captain Marvel.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And she—
elliott
									
But you had trouble remembering her rank? [All laugh.]
dan
									
Corporal Marvel! [Elliott laughs.] No, but like, the—
elliott
									
Midshipman Marvel…? [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Uh, but she, like, is not like an MCU person. She’s seen, like, three or four of them. Uh—
elliott
									
I love that we live in a world where you’re not considered a big fan of a series if you’ve only seen three or four of them. [All laugh.] I’ve only spent eight-to-ten hours with these movies! I’m not a big fan! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
That’s crazy! [Laughs.]
dan
									
The point is just that, like, I watched Captain Marvel—I think Captain Marvel is a lot of fun, but the movie does start with… a lot of outer space bullshit.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And I was sitting next to someone who’s not necessarily, like, primed for an outer space bullshit in the way that I’m like, “Outer space bullshit is fine!” And I’m like—am I gonna have to apologize that I made her sit through all this outer space bullshit before we get to the fun part? But like… thankfully like—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —that was not the case. Elliott: I mean, you didn’t make the movie.
elliott
									
It wasn’t your choice.
dan
									
No, that’s true.
elliott
									
But you reminded me of—I would say the movie itself doesn’t totally redeem itself? But the movie Dune has some good stuff in it. But to get to it, first you have to slow through that opening narration where it’s like—why are you telling me about the robot rebellion? Like, the book Dune doesn’t have anything about that! [All laugh.] Like, I don’t care how it got to here! Like, it’s—there’s warring houses that want this planet full of spice. That’s all we need to know! I don’t need to know about everything that happened between now and then! That’s nuts. Enough! Anyway. Dune—you’ve been served. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Dune, get the fuck out of here!
elliott
									
Yeah! Take your shinebox and go home, Dune! [Audience laughter.] I guess that’s the reverse order. He’s supposed to go home and get his shine box. But anyway. Over there!
dan
									
For the purposes of shining. [Elliott laughs.]
guest
									
You guys showed up in my life when I really needed you? And… I really appreciate that? Um—
elliott
									
Thank you!
stuart
									
Oh, you’re welcome.
dan
									
I—no, I—I—sorry for laughing. I was just imagining us as sort of, like, Touched by an Angel thing. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Yeah.
guest
									
Um—so which Marvel movies actually lived up to the hype for you?
stuart
									
Oh, wow. Uh, I’m kind of a—I’m such an easy audience for that stuff? I used to read a lot of superhero comics and I don’t? So… I’d kind of like all of them? But, uh, I don’t know. Like—I never—I never read a lot of Captain America comics? But those are—seem to be the movies I like the best. So, I’ll say those! I liked those.
dan
									
I mean, I don’t know if, um… I don’t know if as a nerd, I really enjoy ranking Marvel movies. Butttt… [All laugh; some applause from audience.] [Through laughter] But—I—I mean, I like the first Guardians of the Galaxy. I like Winter Soldier. Um, I like Spider-man: Homecoming very much. I think those are my—
stuart
									
Pretty safe answers!
elliott
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Well, I don’t—[Laughs.] Okay. I—fucking—or The Dark World! I’m gonna go way out on a limb.
stuart
									
Wowwwww! [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
What the fuck do you want, Stuart?
stuart
									
Hot take!
elliott
									
Wow! Out on a limb! Out on—bird on a wire over here! Uh—yeah. I mean, they—the—I thought Endgame lived up to everything I wanted it to be, pretty much. And that one had the most pressure on it for me? Because it’s like… well, I’ve spent over 10 years, I think, with these characters— [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.] And in my comic book reading life, I’ve spent 30 years with these characters. So like—can I spoil things about the movie or is it still too early? [Scattered shouts of “No!” from the audience.]
dan
									
No. [Counter-protests from audience.]
elliott
									
No? Okay. I won’t say anything about the movie. It’s out of the theaters, I think! But uh— [More protests.]
dan
									
[Laughs.] It is—there’s no possible that way that movie is out of the theaters, Elliott.
elliott
									
Okay, that’s true. This is something—and I’ve talked about this before, I think on either our podcast or other podcasts. It really inspires me that America was divided and it’s become united around the concept of “no spoilers”? [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.] That like—I feel like—not since that dark day, 18 years ago, has America felt such a unified sense of purpose? Than that we must not spoil these science-fiction and fantasy-related products. [Audience laughter.] But they’re—but it was like—they—this thing better happen in the movie! And then it did. So that one—I was like… I was like—uh—ready to be disappointed in. Yet I walked out singing as happy a tune I can after what happened to some of those characters. [All laugh.] Names not mentioned. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Names redacted.
guest
									
Hi! Um, so—when I was a kid, the scary hallucinations from Young Sherlock Holmes really scared me. But rewatching the movie as an adult, not scared at all. [Dan laughs.] Very goofy.
elliott
									
Congratulations. [Audience laughter.]
guest
									
Yes. Thank you. [Laughs.] So my question is—um—are there any movies that really scared you as a kid and as an adult, not so scary, and what are those movies and what about the movies scared you?
elliott
									
Oh, uh, Pee-wee’s Big Adventure. The whole, uh… Large Marge scene. [Audience laughter.] I had to cover my eyes when I knew she was going to turn her head and her eyes were gonna bug out? And that ghost that drives a taxicab in Ghostbusters?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
He was like, a rotted head?
stuart  
									
Yeah. That’s pretty gross.
elliott
									
I couldn’t look at those. And now I can watch ‘em—and now Large Marge, I’m like—oh, this is ridiculously goofy! Like, it’s just stop-motion animation. Y’know. But then you got something like Fool’s Fire that, uh, Julie Taymor made—
dan
									
Oh, yeah.
elliott
									
And that still frightens me. And it’s like—it’s all puppets except for two people and it’s like a retelling of—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Hop Frog. Elliott: Hop Frog?
elliott
									
And it’s like—there’s still something so creepy about that one. Yeah. Those creepy puppets!
dan
									
I—I’m gonna do the thing that politicians do and answer—uh, a wider question that you didn’t ask. [Audience laughter.] ‘Cause I can’t think of a movie. But I do remember very, uh, distinctly that I—I have two older brothers. And older brothers love to continue talking about things long after you—they realize that they’re terrifying you. Um—and there was one night when I was small when my brother put on… um… Talking at 77, which contains “Psycho Killer.” And I was listening to a song—
elliott
									
A scary song!
dan
									
I was listening to the song titled “Psycho Killer” and he was explaining the plot to my other brother of… uh, “Carrion Death”? The, uh, Tales from the Crypt, uh, EC Comic story about a, uh… it’s a, uh… convict who… uh, has another dead convict on, like, handcuffed to him. And he’s going through the desert. And at the end, he’s being pecked at by vultures and the—the surprise reveal is that—he was already dead at that point! And—
elliott
									
Oh. A startling take on the end of Frank Norris’s novel McTeague. [Dan laughs; a few laughs from the audience.]
dan
									
But the point is like—
elliott
									
No—no fans of naturalist literature around here, I guess! [Audience laughter.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: The point is, like— Elliott: I won’t make any jokes about The Octopus!
elliott
									
Frank Norris’s other masterpiece. Alright. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Is that about a… killer octopus?
elliott
									
It is not. It is about a fight between a railroad line and grain farmers. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Okay.
elliott
									
It’s great, though.
dan
									
The point is—here’s a song. A New Wave song by a band that would turn out to be my favorite band as I grew older. And… a Tales from the Crypt story—which are inherently silly. As you grow older, you realize—oh, these are just goofy things. And I was so scared by the—the confluence of these two events. And, uh… and—to the degree that I think my brothers got in trouble when my parents came home. [Scattered emotions from audience—disbelief, amusement, etc.]
stuart
									
Wow. You narc’d on ‘em? [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Mm-hm.
stuart
									
Or were you like, catatonic at that point? [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] I was like—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Cool. Well. I’m gonna answer the actual question. Dan: —the lady in—oh my god. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
I’ll just, uh—I’ll just, uh… [Laughs.] [Laughter takes a long time to subside.]
stuart
									
Uh— [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Dan is crawling under the table.
stuart
									
Cool.
elliott
									
I assume to suck his thumb and rock back and forth. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Uh—the movie I remember—I remember seeing, uh, Return of the Living Dead: Part 2 at a sleepover? And I was terrified of zombies for weeks. I would like—when I would—when I was in bed I would, like, wrap myself up in the covers in a ball so no zombies would see my body parts so they would devour them?
elliott
									
Oh, there’s no brain inside that—those sheets! [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Yeah. And like—watching it—like, watching it as an adult, I’m like, oh this is just a comedy. This is a comedy that just happens to have zombies in it. Uh, so yeah. Return of the Living Dead: Part 2! Watch it! [Audience laughter; Elliott laughs, as well.]
stuart
									
Thank you for the question!
elliott
									
Good question. Good question.
guest
									
Hey, Peaches! Uh—so with the way that… [trails off into silence].
stuart
									
[Nonplussed] Sure.
guest
									
[Flatly] Yeah. I know. [Audience laughter.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: You said it! You said it, buddy! We all been there. Look. Guest: Lots of therapy. Stuart: Happens to me, too. [All laugh.]
guest
									
So—if you had to take a movie that’s been Flopped—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
guest
									
And turn it into a cinematic universe—preferable one that wasn’t already attempted, like, say the Tom Cruise Mummy—what would it be?
stuart
									
The Dark Universe.
elliott
									
Hmm. Well, there was a certain… Timothy Green who had a little bit of an odd life. [Audience laughter.] And I wonder—what other strange and mysterious creatures exist in a world where leaves can grow on a boy’s legs? [All laugh.] And maybe he fights a Babadook! I dunno. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah, I mean… we’ve already seen what happens when fairies and leprechauns have children. That creates Dwegons, as we all know from the hit movie—Dwegons and Leprechauns. [Audience laughter.] What other mythical creatures could have sex and have weird [through laughter] monster babies? [All laugh.] I don’t know!
dan
									
Yeah. We’re talking about Flop House movies, specifically? I forgot what the bit was.
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re—you’re—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —building a—a—an—you’re— Elliott: You’re right, Dan! That was 40 seconds ago! How was— [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
You’re building a cinematic universe around movies that we have talked about on The Flop House.
dan
									
Okay.
stuart
									
Or that we’ve reviewed, specifically. Not we’ve talked about. ‘Cause that’d be, like, stop making sense all the time. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Uhhhhh… let’s say Stolen and move on. [Loud “Yes!” from the audience.]
stuart
									
Uh— [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Wow, alright. Okay.
stuart
									
That’s a—I mean, that’s a good one!
dan
									
Yes, sir.
ryan
									
Hi. Ryan, last name withheld. Uh, you guys make a lot of references to The Muppets, and I wonder—are there other classic stories that you would like to see The Muppets take on? Like, let’s say… the Muppets’ Odyssey. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Oh! I mean—it’s not too different that—I am surprised there hasn’t been like a Muppets Alice in Wonderland? And I think—and that could be pretty fun, also, because it opens it up to just having act after act after act. ‘Cause Alice in Wonderland has no plot other than Alice is—like, meeting a bunch of animals that are rude to her at different points? [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
So I don’t know!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: What—like—like— Stuart: I—I mean, I think—
stuart
									
The Odyssey’s a great choice.
elliott
									
Yeah. Or like, Muppets’ Bonfire of the Vanities? [Laughs.] Like, is that— [All laugh enthusiastically.] Is that an option?
dan
									
I would certainly prefer to see a movie where… let’s say… Kermit is Sherlock Holmes and Fozzie is Watson.
elliott
									
It’s so perfect! Why haven’t they done that yet? [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
And…
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Than what we just watched.
elliott
									
And—and Miss Piggy is, uh, what’s-her-name?
dan
									
Irene Adler?
elliott
									
Irene Adler! And, like, uh… and Statler and Waldorf are, like, twin Moriarties! [All laugh.] Ugh, why—and—and Lestrade is like, uh—like—
stuart
									
Gonzo?
dan
									
Scooter? I dunno.
elliott
									
I would say Sam the Eagle, ‘cause he’s always like—[stern, judgmental voice] oh, oh, those guys! Oh! A couple of weirdos! Oh, that’s so perfect! Why haven’t they done that?! Dan! You gotta go make that now! [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Like, you have to come back—you gotta come back with me to LA! Dan: Well, alright! I know what I have to do with my life!
dan
									
Fare thee well, everyone!
elliott
									
You gotta pitch that to the Henson company! [All laugh.] Okay, well, no. He just walked out. Okay. [Audience laughs, cheers.] We never saw him again.
stuart
									
Oh. Okay.
elliott
									
Now that he—he’s—[Laughs.] eventually find him and he’s just like a homeless man under a bridge with—like—he’s made Muppets out of like— [Audience laughter.] —discarded rags?
stuart
									
I did it! I did it, Elliott! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
[Shaky voice] Eh? Eh? I did what you told me! Eh? Eh? Am I a good boy now? [All laugh.] Do I get all the butts now? [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Dan. Dan.
stuart
									
And the sad irony at that point would be—he wasn’t a good boy. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Hey, he’s back, everybody! [Laughs.] Don’t tell him we were talking about him! [Audience laughter.] Stuart, what about you?
dan
									
Hey, here’s a fun fact about this theater—all the other stage doors are locked. [All laugh loudly.]
elliott
									
What—were you gonna—were you gonna go around?
dan
									
Just in case anyone—yeah! Y’know. Y’know. Do a whole bit!
elliott
									
Oh, okay. Yeah. [Audience laughter.] [Laughs.]
stuart
									
What, like, go down and do some crowd work? Like Nick Cave?
dan
									
[Laughs.] Yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah, like climb in there like Nick Cave?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Like a mad preacher? Elliott: Just walking on—
elliott
									
Walking on chairs like Roberto Benigni?
dan
									
More like Cats. Yeah. What are you—
stuart
									
Wait—
dan
									
Where are we—where are we in this bit? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
So, Stuart—are you good? Do you have a Muppet story or should we just go to the next question?
stuart
									
No—I don’t even like the Muppets! [All laugh.]
vince
									
Hi, my name is Vince, uh, last name redacted.
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
Oh, wow. Security reasons. Yeah.
stuart
									
Mm. Okay.
vince
									
Um, so I… me and my friends host a local bad movie and cult movie night. Uh—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Thank you for your service. Dan: You’ll be hearing from our lawyers. [All laugh.]
vince
									
For, uh—my question for you is, uh, have you ever had a movie… that is so bad or… so unwatchable that you decided just to can it for, like, for the night or the—
dan
									
I mean, we’ve never watched—like, we would not go through that pain and not do an episode. We have had movies where the technology seemed to have rejected the film. [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Yeah. The—the—The Forgotten—
dan
									
10,000 BC.
elliott
									
Babylon AD.
dan
									
Babylon AD.
elliott
									
And 10,000 AC—BC I thought we released!
crosstalk
									
Dan: We did. It was Babylon AD. Stuart: We did. Yeah, we did. Elliott: Yeah. Babylon AD—
elliott
									
Was the one where the computer had—its tennis shoes fell off, I guess. And broke down. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
And, uh, and—what? Beastly? We recorded half of it and then, uh, and then a—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —local pirate radio station— Dan: It was with a [Inaudible]. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
—snuck into the feed.
elliott
									
But—yeah. There—I—there’s never been one where we’ve been like, no. We won’t even talk about it. Let’s forget this ever happened. If I see you guys on a street corner, let’s pretend we don’t know each other. [Audience laughter.] There’ve definitely been times, like… Dan will show bad movies at his apartment sometimes, and there have been times when you’ve been like— [Stuart laughs.] This movie’s not going over so well. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
I misjudged the audience. [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
Well—‘cause you host a—you host a bad movie—
dan
									
Oh, please, get into it.
stuart
									
It’s a bad movie horror night and it—I know once you showed, what, Brain Dead?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Which has, uh— Dan: [Laughs.] _Brain—_[Laughs.] Brain Damage.
stuart
									
Brain Damage, thank you.
dan
									
Brain Dead is the Peter Jackson one.
stuart
									
Also great! Uh, and Brain Damage has—I dunno, some, like, questionable scenes about, uh… what—like a—a woman about to give—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —a blowjob! Yeah. Dan: A prostitute gives a blowjob.
dan
									
To a parasite worm. Alright? [Audience laughter.] Which then kills her.
stuart
									
And so for whatever reason this unsuspecting audience that you had tricked into coming to your home— [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
It was—
stuart
									
Was not into it. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
It wasn’t a great fundraiser for a preschool. [All laugh loudly.] In retrospect, that’s an obvious call, but at the moment—with the intelligence we had at the time? [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
elliott
									
You made the right decision.
dan
									
I—I hope that the public embarrassment of me answered your question. [Stuart laughs.] We, uh, yeah.
elliott
									
Looks like we got two questions left—one over here and one over here.
fiona
									
Good math. So.
elliott
									
Thank you. I’m a regular Sherlock Holmes, if you will. [All laugh.]
fiona
									
Uh, uh, my first name is Fiona, last name redacted. Um… I have a question about—if you were to host, uh, last, uh… Last Drive-In—
dan
									
[Inaudible]. Sorry. Go on.
fiona
									
Uh, The Last Drive-In.
stuart
									
Uh-huh!
dan
									
Yes. Joe Bob Briggs’ thing.
fiona
									
What would be your two movies, and what would be your persona?
elliott
									
Ohhhh.
stuart
									
Okay.
stuart
									
Uh, this is a—this is a challenging question? Um… what would my two movies be? I mean, I feel like I would have to pick at least one Stuart Gordon movie. I would probably pick… [long pause] I don’t know. Like, Stuck? Or King of the Ants. Something that you don’t see a lot of. But other than that… it would have to be something else that’s gross. [Light audience laughter.] Hmmmm…
dan
									
Can you think of a gross movie, Stuart?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I don’t—have I ever seen… Dan: Have you ever seen any gross movies?
elliott
									
Like a gross movie, huh?
stuart
									
A gross movie. Something that might make me wanna barf—wait—clarify—what’s this—
fiona
									
I could not let the night go away without some kind of Stuart reference to… [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Uh—so I would say… I’ll do…
elliott
									
You’re leading the witness, ma’am! [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
I’ll do Stuck, the movie where the homeless man gets hit by a car and he gets stuck in a windshield. That’s pretty horrible. And… uh… hm… uh, I’ll do, uh, Chud? A movie about cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers that is bad. [Scattered laughter, applause, and boos from the audience.] Boo! Thank you! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
As you may remember, that Joe Bob Brigg said—to us—he does not care for it. [Audience laughter.]
stuart
									
I’ll have to think about my persona, though.
elliott
									
Oh yeah. So, uh—yeah. That’s episode one of _Last Drive—_well, who—what would your persona be?
stuart
									
Uh, I’m gonna have to think about that.
elliott
									
Okay. Well I would obviously be America’s Whiz Kid. Uh— [Audience laughter.] I’m a kid who made a lot of money on game shows and it drove me insane. [Audience laughter.] And I’d probably show In the Mouth of Madness—not the best John Carpenter movie, but my personal favorite. Uh, the best being The Thing. Everybody knows that. C’mon. Uh, it’s the other perfect movie, next to Alien! Um, and… the other one would have to be the scariest movie ever made—Persona. [Light laughter.] The Ingmar Bergman story of two women whose personalities begin to merge and it’s super scary. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Uh… obviously? My persona would be… a really happy guy who everyone loves. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
elliott
									
And he just like brings joy wherever. And, like… never gets made fun of. And… [Audience laughter.] Just, y’know, I just—like—y’know, like—your classic—
stuart
									
Really working through some shit here, tonight, huh? [All laugh.]
elliott
									
It’s like—[Laughs.] It’s like—I’m getting a glimpse of—
dan
									
Your classic, like, party guy that people are like really excited when he shows up. They’re like, oh, the party’s gonna start! Dan’s here! Y’know, like, that kind of guy.
elliott
									
This is—this is you talking to your stuffed animals at home, telling them how the day went. [Audience laughter.] Uh… and I would show Return of the Living Dead, which is—uh, maybe my favorite horror comedy. And what was the other one I thought of that has gone out of my brain? It is—Prince of Darkness, the John Carpenter movie which I think is—
stuart
									
Great calls.
dan
									
—underseen.
elliott
									
Hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. He does a lot of neat stuff with video formats in that.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. And… I’ve decided my, uh… my persona would be like… if you had an alien crime boss, right? Follow me.
dan
									
Uh-huh. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
And that alien crime boss—instead of being made out of, I dunno, say normal flesh like an alien—would instead be made out of a giant mound of pizza— [All laugh.] Now, what would be a name for a type of character like that?
elliott
									
Difficult. Difficult.
stuart
									
You would want “pizza” in the name, [through laughter] of course, because that’s what my body is constituted by! [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
But how to finish the name? What’s the perfect word to come—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —or two words, perhaps! To come after. Stuart: Well, there’s—[Laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh—[Laughs.] I mean, I would be a title, of course. Uh, that would describe what my body’s shape appears to look like. [Audience laughter.] Maybe it was like, a, uh, a, uh, a peak-roofed home? [All laugh.]
dan
									
Okay. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Some kind of quansed? Quansed. Yeah.
stuart
									
Uh—I—I still—I’m still working through it. We’ll figure it out. [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Alright. Sir, please rescue us from this hell. You’re the last— Elliott: I love the idea that that’s why he’s called that—
elliott
									
—is it’s what his body is shaped like! [All laugh.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] You’re the last question of the evening. Please.
guest
									
That’s a really tough question to follow up, but I’ll do my best. Um, which, uh, two movies share a cinematic universe by having the same actor? Like, do you think maybe Tony Stark was inspired to create Jarvis after witnessing the events in Weird Science? [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Probably! I mean, that’s as—that’s a plausible explanation!
stuart
									
I mean, the—
elliott
									
I mean—oh, sorry.
stuart
									
The one that comes to mind most readily is that, uh, the character, uh, Bodhi in Point Break. Is very clearly in a younger time in his life, Dalton from Road House. I mean, that is the same—
elliott
									
Oh. ‘Cause I thought in the younger time in his life he was the instructor at—the dance instructor in the Catskills.
stuart
									
And even younger, he was a— [Laughs.] He was Johnny, the sexy instructor.
elliott
									
I mean, in a real sense, trading—Trading Places and Coming to America exist in the same universe. Because Don Ameche and, uh, Ralph Bellamy literally play the same characters in both movies. [Audience laughter.] One of those movies—I love it, have since I was a kid. The other movie? Don’t care for.
stuart
									
Wow!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Well. Can you— Stuart: Always leave ‘em guessing! [Laughs.] Elliott: Can you guess which is which? Dan: And, uh— [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
Let me—let me tell you. I don’t like the one where a man is raped by a gorilla. [Audience laughter.] Not a fan of that.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Let’s—
elliott
									
Not something that should happen to anybody, regardless of whether they swindle some money away from somebody or whatever.
stuart
									
Wow. Elliott’s willing to lose friends over this! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Not a funny thing, according to me.
dan
									
Uh—and I’ll jump backwards. I have this—I have this crazy, crazy fan theory. Stay with me here. [All laugh.] Uh—that the, um… that the banjo-playing frog—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
In The Muppet Movie is also the journalist in The Great Muppet Caper. [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
But that—but that—it can’t be the case, because the journalist in The Great Muppet Caper has a twin identical brother—a bear. Whereas, in The Muppet Movie, he—oh my god. Hold on a second. [All laugh enthusiastically.] Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
dan
									
Alright. We’ve, uh, wasted your time with our shenanigans. Much like Holmes and Watson. Uh— [Audience laughter.] We’ll—look.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Dan—well, you seemed like you were onto something. Dan: I’ve wound down my [inaudible].
dan
									
Like, I’m one of those toys that has been wound up and has run down.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. We need to pull the string on your back. Dan: But—uh, there—there’s merchandise.
dan
									
That we’re selling. [Audience laughter.] We’ll be out there next to it, if you want to talk to us.
crosstalk
									
Dan: And then after— Elliott: In this building.
elliott
									
I know that was pretty vague, that we’ll be “out there” “next to it” “somewhere.”
dan
									
In the world, merchandise exists. Uh—
crosstalk
									
Dan: You may have heard of it. Elliott: We’re not just gonna find a store—
elliott
									
—and hang out at it.
dan
									
Also, uh, some very, uh, wonderful local listeners have, uh, arranged a after-party at Therapy Monsters, which is a bar that I am told is within a couple blocks from here.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And after we’re done with our merchandise selling, we will try and stop by. And that’s—
elliott
									
We will stop by. “Try” and stop by. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Alright. Well—
elliott
									
Look at you. Hedging your bets. [Audience laughter.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I’ll too tired— Dan: I’m trying to create suspense!
elliott
									
[Pronouncing “r” as “w”] I’m too tired from signing my little fingers! [Audience laughter.] Oh, I need to put them in a tiny bed! [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
That’s what I call—that’s what I call my sleep gloves. [All laugh.] My hands’ tiny bed. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
And that’s how you night lotion without getting fucking lotion all over your blanket!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: You fill up your night gloves. Dan: It’s all tied up.
dan
									
Yeah. Anyway.
elliott
									
I mean, that’s tied up to something we were talking about in a conversation earlier today. [Laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Oh shit! [Audience laughter.]
elliott
									
That was not mentioned on the podcast. [Laughs.] [Audience laughter.] [Through laughter] We’re tying up loose ends from before you guys got here. [Audience laughter.]
dan
									
Uh—please. Thank you for being here [through laughter] for so long. And for putting up with us. Thank you so much, Portland, for having us. Thank you to Revolution Hall. [Audience applauds, cheers.] You’ve been wonderful to us. [Applause and cheering continues.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Thank you very much! Dan: For The Flop House, I’ve been Dan McCoy!
stuart
									
I’ve been Stuart Wellington!
elliott
									
You know me—America’s rascal! Elliott Kalan! [Cheering and applause intensifies and continues through most of the outro music.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Goodnight, everyone! Elliott: Goodnight!
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
speaker 1
									
MaximumFun.org.
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
—Audience supported.
clip
									
[Beginning of The Little Mermaid’s “Under the Sea” plays] Sebastian the Crab: Ariel—listen to me. The human world? It’s a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there! [Singing] The seaweed is always greener In somebody else’s lake. You dream about going up there— But that is a big mistake. [Music fades out.]
About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.
Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.