TRANSCRIPT Ep. 306: The Fanatic

Transcript

dan mccoy
									
On this episode, we discuss: The Fanatic!
elliott kalan
									
For anyone who thought Joker was too nuanced and smart!
music
									
Music insert
dan
									
Hey, everyone! And welcome to The Flop House! I’m Dan McCoy.
stuart wellington
									
Wow, Dan! It’s me! Stuart! Wellington!
elliott
									
And over here in Los Angeles—Elliott Kalan! I’m gonna apologize ahead of time. I have a little bit of a cough, so if you hear any coughing that is my throat, uh, manufacturing, uh, phlegm. For me to expectorate into the open air in order to spread the contagion that’s inside me because that’s how it reproduces from body to body!
stuart
									
And—thank you for that health warning, Elliott, but I think we need to get right to the meat of this sandwich. That’s right: uh, we’re not alone in this universe—
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Mock surprise] What?! Stuart: Or this world. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
We are not alone on this podcast, either, because we are joined today by a special someone. A someone… who is on, uh, the podcasts Hey— [though laughter] Hey There from the Magic Tavern.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Hey There from the Magic Tavern. [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Hey There from the Magic Tavern. Stuart: No, that’s—that’s wrong. Uh— Adal: That’s our casual spinoff. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Hey! There from the Magic Tav—Hello from the Magic Tavern and Hey Riddle Riddle—that’s right! Adal Rifai has joined us. Hey there, Adal!
adal rifai
									
Hey! Thanks for having me! I’ll be your little cinema boy! [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] Oh, boy! Adal: Is that—is that a—is that a term? Cinema boy? Elliott: Oh, okay! That— [All laugh.]
elliott
									
No, but I mean—I—it’s a term I’ve never heard before and yet the minute I heard it I instantly understood every aspect of [inaudible]. So.
adal
									
Is that a—is that a Neil Young B-side? “Cinema Boy”?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. It’s certainly—It’s certainly a— Elliott: Oh, I was thinking more it’s a—
stuart
									
—better title for this podcast! [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I found it startlingly erotic. So. [Laughs.] Elliott: “Cinema Boy.” But it’s “B-O-I.” [All laugh.]
elliott
									
That’s—that’s the blurb that’s gonna be on that word. “Starlingly erotic,” says Dan McCoy of the word “Cinema Boi. B-O-I.”
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Adal: Yeah, of course. Of course. Stuart: So thanks for joining us, Adal! We— Adal: Thanks for having me!
stuart
									
We, uh, we brought you in, y’know, um… as—as Elliott mentioned in the intro, this is a movie directed by Fred Durst. Uh, the, uh, vocalist for, uh, nu metal band Limp Bizkit. And you insisted that we have you on ‘cause you’re a huge, uh, Limp Bizkit fan. Right?
adal
									
100%. I—I thought it was the absolute correct move for Fred Durst to parlay his musical fame 14 years later into directing— [Dan laughs.] —one of the worst movies of all time. And all—also, you should direct—if your name rhymes with “Dead Worst” you should always direct. [Elliott laughs.] Always direct.
elliott
									
Well the—I remember reading an interview with Fred Durst years ago, the first time he announced that he was gonna direct a movie, and I think that one didn’t get off the ground. And he said in the interview—the reason I made a band was so I could direct music videos so I could start directing movies. And it was like, that’s a real roundabout path to becoming a film director, Fred!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It seems like—uh, yeah. That’s true. He—he did make it happen. Dan: Uh, he made it happen! I mean, God bless him. Stuart: It’s like, uh—
elliott
									
Good point. Yeah.
stuart
									
It’s like in—in that movie, uh, Funny People where Adam Sandler’s character becomes a super-famous movie star so he can beat cancer. Right?
elliott
									
Uh, yeah. That’s how that movie works. Sure. [Laughs.] Because when Death shows up to take him away, he goes—[gruff voice] Wait. Are you Adam Sandler? Can I get your—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —autograph on my scythe? Stuart: I mean, that’s not his—that’s not his character’s name in the movie though, right? [Laughs.] Adal: It’s Little Nicky.
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. His char—oh, sorry. His [though laughter] character’s name is Little Nicky. [All laugh.]
dan
									
Um… so—this is a—a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. We didn’t say that upfront. We didn’t reset the premise.
stuart
									
No.
crosstalk
									
Dan: But I’m doing it now. Elliott: That’s okay, Dan.
elliott
									
The mo—the podcast has only been going for a couple minutes. I don’t think people are—are wandering around the streets confused, not know—not sure if there’s a god or not.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, no, no. I—I just knew that— Elliott: Because they didn’t know what this is about.
dan
									
—within seconds you’d start berating me for not having said that, so. I was trying to cut that off.
stuart
									
Sketching out all our characters now! [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Yeah. Now Dan, I don’t want to be your therapist for a moment, even though I should be your therapist. I’m very good at it. But do you think you’re projecting on me the inner Dan that would be berating you—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —for forgetting? Adal: For listener—for listeners—
adal
									
Dan is laying on a couch. [Dan laughs.] Elliott is behind him with a sketchpad.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. Mm-hm. But I’m just drawing pictures— [Dan laughs.] —of Dan’s hands.
stuart
									
Clicking—clicking a pen. [Laughs.]
dan
									
He’s drawing me like one of his French girls. [All laugh.] Um—no. So we watched this movie—as you said, directed by Fred Durst, starring Mr. John Travolta. [Through laughter] Who’s having a bad time lately.
stuart
									
Star of, uh, star of Gotti John Travolta!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And he’s best known for such films as Phenomenon, Lucky Numbers, y’know. Those movies.
dan
									
Yeah. This, uh, movie, like, had something like, uh, $6,000 per-screen average? It was a incredible flop. It was—
elliott
									
Oh, no. I mean I think it was like—yeah. I think it—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —no, let’s see. Let’s take a look up. I’ve got it right in front of me. Dan: 3,000? Stuart: Let’s look it up!
elliott
									
The entire domestic box office in theaters was $3,150.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, sorry. Elliott: Uh, $3,153. Yeah. I mean, $6,000 per screen is not that bad. Yeah. Dan: That would be good. That would be good, actually. Elliott: No, uh, from 52 theaters— Adal: More like shoebox office! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Whoa! All we know is—all we know is the— [Laughs.] All we know is the opening day, and on—from 52 theaters it earned—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: $3,100-and some-odd dollars. Dan: That is insane.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So. Not a great— Stuart: Okay. Well—yeah. I mean, I bought out—
stuart
									
—at least one whole theater of two seats. [Laughs.] [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: For your birthday party you’re like—I’m so excited to see this movie! Stuart: For my birthday party. [Laughs.] Yep. Sadly—yeah. Elliott: You’re like, I’m a Fanatic fanatic. I gotta see this.

									
Yeah. And the sad thing was I just went by myself. I bought the second seat— [Dan laughs.] —to hold my popped corn! [All laugh.] Right, guys? You gotta get a big ol’ bucket of popcorn!
dan
									
[Through laughter] What? What?
adal
									
I think you called it—popped—popped corn?
crosstalk
									
Adal: Like a ‘30s dandy? Stuart: Big ol’ bucket! Dan: Why are you—
dan
									
[Through laughter] Why are you, like, trying to encourage us to back you up on the idea that popcorn is an appropriate movie snack? [All laugh.]
stuart
									
It’s so salty! It’s good, right?
dan
									
Yeah! [Laughs.]
adal
									
And Stuart, you famously bought stock in concessions?
stuart
									
Uh-huh! I bought stockings at the concession stand. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
This movie theater has everything!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I bought—they—they have L’eggs eggs. Elliott: Well to be fair—so—
elliott
									
You bought those stockings ‘cause you thought it was a giant egg. You were like, an ostrich egg? This is exotic! But then you opened it and there were stockings inside.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Then they were wrapped around a duck egg. [Laughs.] Dan: They don’t make those anymore. And I’m kinda sad. Like—
elliott
									
Why are you sad, Dan?
dan
									
I dunno. I just—like—I mean, obviously I don’t—well, not obviously. Who knows. Maybe I need pantyhose. But like—
adal
									
For listeners, Dan is still on the couch. He’s now projecting about his dad.
dan
									
I don’t personally wear pantyhose? [Elliott laughs.] But like—my mom used to have, like, uh, those L’eggs eggs? And—
crosstalk
									
Dan: I thought they were—no, I just thought they were fun. Y’know? Elliott: Wow, this really is a therapy session. Talking about his mom’s legs.
adal
									
And her eggs!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It—it is fun. It’s—I’m not gonna say it’s not fun! Dan: Little plastic egg! [Laughs.] Elliott: No, no, what I love about ‘em is that they, uh— [Laughs.]
elliott
									
They continue the confusion about eggs that culture has always had. Where they’re like— do bunnies lay eggs? And when you open the eggs there are pantyhose inside?
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
I guess so! Mother Nature is crazy! [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Life finds a way. [Stuart laughs.] Um— [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: These pantyhose were all supposed to be women! Now they’re reproducing! Dan: Oh, guys—speaking of life finds a way—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Like, this is—we’re—we’re delaying— Stuart: Are you suggesting that if—
stuart
									
—maybe they extracted DNA out of a mosquito, they might be able to bring back the L’eggs eggs? [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] That’s the only way we can do it. So, uh, I guess call up B. D. Wong and see if he can get to work on that in the lab.
dan
									
I apologize for further delaying the movie, but I have to tell you guys—I went to see the Jurassic World Live tour last night? At the Barclays Center?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So describe this for us. Stuart: Mm-hm. Yeah, that’s why—
stuart
									
That’s why Adal’s in town, right?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: You’re—you played the Tyrannasaur! Adal: I famously play—
adal
									
—Jeff [short pause] Velociraptor. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Wow!
adal
									
The titular velociraptor.
dan
									
No, it’s—it like—
elliott
									
I mean, well—wait a minute. The title is not Velociraptors. There is no titular velociraptor.
adal
									
Well, there’s parentheses. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Not—unless—unless the name of the stage show is Jurassic Park: The Adventures of Jeff Velociraptor— [Stuart laughs.] Which it could be!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I didn’t see it! Uh, Dan, tell us more! This Barclay— Adal: It—it was, until my incident. Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh—so this is—yeah. It’s a— Elliott: Oh, okay. This—this Barclay’s Center is some sort of arena? Where is that located?
dan
									
It’s a—it’s an arena in Brooklyn. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
Okay. Interesting.
dan
									
And, uh, so they put on this show. It’s based—
stuart
									
How’s the—how’s the parking?
dan
									
I mean, guys. You’re—you’re—you’re— [Elliott laughs.] —delaying some pretty sweet stuff!
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Okay. Okay.
dan
									
Uh—
adal
									
This is where the Nets play?
dan
									
Yes. This is where the Nets play. Now they have—they’ve converted it to Isla Nublar or whatever—Isla Sorna. Whichever one it is.
adal
									
Idina Menzel.
crosstalk
									
Adal: Is what you’re trying to say. Elliott: Pronounced—pronounced like a— Stuart: [Through laughter] Oh, wow!
elliott
									
Like a true white man. Yes. Continue.
dan
									
So, uh, it’s basically a stunt show with dinosaurs and the plot is just, y’know, stringing together reasons to get from—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —one dinosaur thing— Elliott: Now, wait. Daniel—
elliott
									
Daniel. You have—okay. You really opened a lot of question worms there. Uh, so it’s a stunt show with dinosaurs. There are real dinosaurs performing stunts?
dan
									
Well, I—I’m gonna get to that. So—it is a story about, uh, y’know, how they have to go back to these, like, these new characters have to go back to the island with their, like, trained dinosaur. It’s not a velociraptor—I don’t know what it is. It’s kinda like a velociraptor? It’s, like, got a thinner neck. Maybe Elliott knows. But um—they have—
elliott
									
I mean, I didn’t see the show. It could be—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —any number of dinosaurs. I don’t know. Dan: They have to go back to rescue her eggs.
dan
									
But of course, InGen—the evil InGen—wants the eggs too. Doesn’t really matter what’s going on, except for there’s a bunch of, like, punching and motorcycles going around in—in—along with the dinosaurs. But, uh, it’s these—
elliott
									
Again, these dinosaurs, Dan—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —how are they—so these are real din— [Laughs.] Dan: I’m gonna get to the dinosaurs!
dan
									
Before that, though, I wanna say—there’s, like, two, uh, adult scientists and then there are two interns? That they take along for some reason?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
On this dinosaur adventure? And one of the interns is like this kid who like keeps like dancing and dabbing all the time? [Elliott laughs.] And wants to, like, livestream his thing—like, he’s playing to the rafters, this kid. And, uh—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Playing to the raptors? Stuart: To the raptors or rafters?
dan
									
To the rafters. Yeah.
elliott
									
So there are raptors in the rafters?
crosstalk
									
Dan: And, uh, it’s one of these things—it’s one of these shows— Elliott: Seems very dangerous. Stuart: Yeah. The tyranno-raptors are sitting in the rafters. They’re waiting for the game.
adal
									
And people are enraptured.
dan
									
It’s one of these shows where all the dialogue is pre-recorded and so the actors are just miming along to the prerecorded dialogue? And they have to mime as big as they can so everyone can see what their emotion is at any time? But anyway.
adal
									
I love it.
dan
									
The dinosaurs. Okay.
stuart
									
Okay.
dan
									
The raptors are basically—
elliott
									
Keeping in mind that this is a podcast about the movie Fanatic and we are gonna record, like, a mini episode of The Flop House afterwards, which will be the perfect time to go into detail about the Jurassic Park Live show.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Continue. Stuart: No, no, no.
stuart
									
I feel like this is—this is main—main theme.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: This is mainline. Dan: The dine— [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
The dinosaurs—so the velociraptors look pretty good. ‘Cause they’re—like—those kinda puppets that— [Stuart laughs.] —like, a guy is inside and walk—walking around but they like make the legs look like velociraptor legs? That’s great. Fine with that. But then, like—
elliott
									
So—wait. Wait. These legs—these are legs that came out of an egg. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Yes. [Laughs.] These are legs that came out of an egg ‘cause they’re velociraptor legs. Uh—but then they would have, like… a, uh, stegosaurus come out? And it would be basically like… barely moving its legs. Barely moving its arms. It would just be on this like, cart?
elliott
									
Uh—stegosauruses don’t have arms. Continue. [All laugh.]
dan
									
Uh— [Laughs.] Sorry. I meant to say barely moving its legs. Barely moving its head. But it was on this, like, cart on a track that would like go around the stadium. And it was at that moment that they were like—[sings the tune to the orchestral Jurassic Park main theme] ba duh duhhh duh duhhhhh ba duh duhhh duh duhhhh— [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: And I’m like—yeah. The—the fucking majesty of this! Elliott: The majesty of it! Stuart: Yeah, the big swe—the music swell. Dan: It was amazing.
dan
									
Uh, y’know. And then the T-Rex comes out at the end and everyone’s happy! [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. And—but, uh— Dan: And that’s pretty much it.
stuart
									
But like—but Laura Dern—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —reprised her role, right? [Laughs.] Dan: Laura Dern was there. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Oscar-winner Laura Dern.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean, she’s a hard worker. Adal: Phoenix Sunskrilla was there?
dan
									
Sorry?
adal
									
Phoenix Sunskrilla was there as Dunkosaurus? [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, yeah. They did have a scene at— Elliott: What about a Truckosaurus?
dan
									
They did have a scene at the end where they had blowtorch—not blowtorches. Flamethrowers trying to, like… y’know, scare the T-Rex. So—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Huh. Elliott: Okay. Sounds pretty cool. Dan: There were flamethrowers—
dan
									
—and a T-Rex on stage and I’m like, this is the best type of [through laughter] entertainment. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
I really like the idea of Laura Dern having booked that tour, not thinking she was gonna win an Oscar for Marriage Story. And now she did and she’s like, ugh, I wish I could take movie roles but instead I’m stuck on the Jurassic Park Live tour! [All laugh.] But she’s—the thing is, she’s inside one of the velociraptor puppets. That’s the role that she took.
dan
									
Yeah. Alright.
elliott
									
So nobody even knows that it’s her!
dan
									
Sorry, the—I—I’m sorry for derailing. You just set it up so well and I—y’know.
crosstalk
									
Dan: It was so [inaudible]. Stuart: Well, I mean, I think this is a movie— Elliott: Did I?
stuart
									
—that’s about, uh…
crosstalk
									
Dan: Velociraptors? No. You’re wrong, Stuart. Stuart: Uh, one man’s obsession with— [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
—with Hollywood and excitement. And I think, y’know, we got a little bit of that from your story, Dan.
dan
									
Okay. Well let’s move into the—the meat of the podcast.
elliott
									
Wait. Dan, on a scale from zero to Cats, how—how excited have you been by this, uh, viewing experience?
dan
									
Well, I was—I had a cold, so—my excitement was lower than it should’ve been. But, y’know. Like, uh, seven, maybe? I don’t—like, it’s really dumb but I was like walking out and I was like, y’know, this is for kids, like, I—oh. [Elliott laughs.] That reminds me of the best—
elliott
									
I mean, this is—this is famously also the stadium where you went to see the circus by yourself. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. But this is—this is the best thing. I forgot. At the end, uh… like, the tough guy is talking to the good dinosaur, being like—y’know, you finally convinced me. Not all dinosaurs are bad. In this real, like, “You sonofabitch” kind of like, voice? And then behind us this little kid goes, aww! That is so sweet! [All laugh.] So. The target audience loved that dinosaur show.
elliott
									
That’s nice. That’s nice. Okay. So—uh… that’s The Flop House! Uh, thank you so much for listening to us today.
stuart
									
Uh, yeah! So we’ve been brought to you by—
crosstalk
									
Dan: No, I think we forgot a few things. Stuart: I guess… dinosaurs? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Okay. So. The Fanatic, guys. Let’s get to the real—let’s get to what we’re actually talking about today. So. The Fanatic begins—as all great movies do—with a title card quoting one of its own characters. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh, real—real quick. Adal. Uh, just interrupt Elliott as much as possible. That’s kinda how we do things here.
crosstalk
									
Adal: Oh, great. Yeah. Let me just say that The Fanatic— Stuart: Yeah. Don’t be afraid to just jump in and throw some shit in there.
adal
									
—answers the question: what would happen if Rain Man was a horror film. [Sounds of dawning realization and mild agreement from the hosts.]
stuart
									
Oh, yeah! Kinda, yeah!
elliott
									
I mean, Rain Man is a great name for a horror film.
adal
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Because he—because it’s like—uh, like a serial killer who is executed out in the rain and then he turns his body into rain and he, like…
elliott
									
Yep!
stuart
									
He like gets people all wet and then they slip and die. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Or like, his—they’re killer raindrops. And people are like, have you heard the legend of the Rain Man? Aw, that’s just an old story! I don’t believe in that kid stuff! But then the rain starts killing people.
dan
									
Isn’t that basically the plot of the movie in Bowfinger? Chubby rain?
adal
									
Oh, that’s fair.
crosstalk
									
Dan: They have, like, aliens coming down in the rain? Elliott: Well that was aliens are—
elliott
									
Are—aliens are invading earth by hiding in drops of rain. Right? Okay. And it’s different than the movie Heavy Rain, which is just, like, a… a flood and there’s a bank heist. Right?
dan
									
Yeah. And Christian Slater going around on a Jet-ski.
adal
									
And Elliott, how is it different from the video game Hard Rain?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Uh, Hard Rain—‘cause, uh—uh—I don’t really remember Hard Rain that well.
adal
									
Okay. And how is it different from the—
crosstalk
									
Adal: Bob Dylan song “Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall”? Stuart: I thought it was Heavy Rain. [Laughs.] Adal: Is it Heavy Rain? Stuart: It’s Heavy Rain.hHe Dan: But what about Black Rain, with, uh, Michael Douglas?
adal
									
And how is it different from Rainn Wilson?
elliott
									
Well, that’s—‘cause he’s a person and Purple Rain is also a movie but that’s about a different guy.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And let’s not forget— Stuart: How is it different from Reign of Fire?
elliott
									
And—and—well, that’s spelled differently. That’s not “rain” like rain falling—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —from the sky. That’s “reign” like the reign— [Laughs.] And of—and of course— [Laughs.] Stuart: I don’t think so. I mean, there were—it is raining dragons, Elliott. [All laugh.]
dan
									
[Singing] It’s raining dragons! Hallelujah! [Regular voice] Etcetera.
elliott
									
Okay. So The Fanatic. Opens with a quote from Hunter Dunbar about how he’s nothing without his fans. You’re like, who’s Hunter Dunbar? Let me do a quick google search. Oh, that’s not a real person. It’s a fictional character. Let’s move on with the movie. And we open with a tough, cynical VO from this lady who we’ll learn later is a paparazzo named Leah—no last name given—about how Los Angeles is the city of bullshitters and it wrecks people. And I gotta say, guys—I have been living that experience. I am a shell of a man because this city of lies has chewed me up and spit me out. You want me to tell you more about it?
crosstalk
									
Dan: No. Stuart: Uh, yeah!
stuart
									
I mean— [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
adal
									
Mercy!
stuart
									
I—I look—I look at you and I see the sunken eyes of Jake Gyllenhaal in Nightcrawler. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, yeah. Well, now—now that uh—I—I came out here to be a big-time TV writer, but now I find myself having the job of having to go around and kill people’s pets in the middle of the night just to earn enough money to keep my family under a bridge! That’s Los Angeles for ya. Fame. Ain’t it a bitch?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Anyway, so— Dan: Now, Elliott—
dan
									
Elliott, on a—on a scale of… uh… slightly to not-at-all, how essential is this, uh, narration to the movie?
elliott
									
I would call it, uh… at—how—how nonessential can it get?
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
elliott
									
Uh—uh—like—it—not only would you not notice if the narration was gone from the movie; at times I forgot there was narration in the movie and then Leah’s voice would pop up again and I’d be like, oh! This? Oh, right! I forgot.
stuart
									
Now—so—do you think there’s gonna be a cut where they just remove the narration like a reverse Blade Runner Director’s Cut thing? Or whatever? Or was it a non-reversed Blade Runner Director’s Cut thing?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I can’t remember which one—which is the one— Dan: No, it’s a regular director’s cut. It’ll—old—just a good old-fashioned director’s cut.
stuart
									
But which is the one that—where—was it the—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: The original theatrical release? They wanted it, right? Okay. Dan: The studio wanted the—voiceover. Clarify.
elliott
									
The studio one they wanted a voiceover in Blade Runner merely because the movie is incomprehensible without us. Uh, because it’s a series of beautiful images not linked by a coherent story. Uh, but—this is more of a double-dutch Blade Runner in that it is ugly to look at and also has a narration and also the story is kinda dumb. So anyway! The real chara—the real star of the film—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Is Moose! Dan: LA. Oh.
elliott
									
Is Moose played by John Travolta. And Leah’s like—he’s unbreakable. We first meet him riding his moped and we learn he’s a big horror movie fan and also? It’s pretty clear that he has, um… y’know, a different way of interacting.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: With the world. Stuart: Yeah. Can—can we—can we go—
stuart
									
—I think upfront. Like, we’ve—we’ve dealt with movies that, uh… portray, uh, characters with, uh, like emotional problems and learning disabilities and clearly Moose has something going on. And…
dan
									
Yeah. He’s got some sort of developmental issue.
stuart
									
I just want to point out that at no point are we making fun—do we want to make light of that or make fun of people that actually are struggling with anything like that.
crosstalk
									
Adal: We’re making fun of bad acting. Not anything else. Dan: Yeah. That makes this an awkward one.
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Because Oregon’s— Elliott: Yeah. And so—yeah.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —sensitive scripting. Adal: Yes, it is.
dan
									
I mean, Travolta is… putting his all into this character and I can only imagine that in his mind… he is…
crosstalk
									
Dan: —doing something… sensitive and noble. Adal: Killing it. Stuart: Yeah. He’s—he—he is Sam.
dan
									
Uh—but— [Multiple people laugh.] —what happens in the movie is you see this, sort of, like… [though laughter] terribly offensive depiction of…
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
A—a person who’s struggling with some sort of, uh, problem.
elliott
									
He is—he is—he’s, I assume, meant to be somewhere on the autism spectrum. And again, we are—we—do not make light of anyone with that—I dunno. With that way of living! Like, I know lots of people who are in different places on that spectrum and they all live their lives and none of them ride around on a moped pretending to be an English bobby and demanding that movie stars sign their leather jackets! [Dan laughs.] So, let’s, uh—so he goes to his pal who runs a memorabilia store and he’s so excited because his best—his favorite actor, Hunter Dunbar—who as far as we can tell from the evidence given in the movie, is a bad actor who makes crap—uh, is gonna be signing at—he’s supposed to go to a party that Hunter Dunbar’s at later. And he’s gonna be signing at the store tomorrow night and the store guy cuts him a break and sells him the very leather vest—in—emblazoned with the name “Rico” in sequins on the back that Hunter wore in the movie Space Vampires.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Uh—so— [Stuart laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Right off the bat, this feels like the movie that was made by— Stuart: Elliott was pausing for laughter. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
This—it feels like a movie made by people who haven’t actually seen real movies? Because they’re like, oh yeah, he wore that in Space Vampires. And I’m like—so is—he’s supposed to make garbage? Or is he supposed to be, like, famous and rich? ‘Cause he’s got a big wealthy house but all of his movies sound like direct-to-VOD movies. Right?
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
And—and—doesn’t this scene open with Travolta saying something like, I don’t have a lot of time; I gotta poop?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Is that the— Adal: Poo, he said. Poo. Yeah. Drop the ‘p.’ Dan: Poo, just to make it sillier.
elliott
									
Well that’s to add a ticking clock, to make some suspense for the scene. [Stuart laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Adal: Well—well—Stuart recognized that, um—Hunter Dunbar—Hunter Dunbar famously— Stuart: Uncut gems. [Elliott laughs.] Elliott: Uncut gems.
adal
									
—won, uh, for 1992 “Best Makeup”? [Stuart laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Adal: And what was the other? Stuart: [Through laughter] Yeah! Later on. [Laughs.]
adal
									
It was like, he’s not an actor. He’s— [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Wait. Wait. They’re looking through it. Dan: Yeah. [Inaudible.]
stuart
									
He’s like, uh, later on when Travol—uh, when Moose invades his home and is taking pictures of his—let’s say modest collection of trophies? [Elliott laughs.] One of them is for Best Makeup; the other is for, like—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Stunts? Adal: Best Stuntwork?
stuart
									
And I’m like—
adal
									
Supporting Actress.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Best Original Song. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
[Elliott laughs.] Uh, so, uh—Moose goes home and he’s practicing in the mirror something that he can say to Hunter Dunbar. Again, let’s—can we take a moment to talk about what a fake-y sounding name Hunter Dunbar is? ‘Cause it sounds like a combina—it sounds like a character who thinks he’s really cool but really he’s the heir to, like, a candy fortune? Like—
adal
									
Mmmm.
elliott
									
And that’s what I kept thinking, was like—what is a Dunbar? Like, how does it—so—how do—what did that name make you feel like? Did you feel like, oh, this is a tough, cool, action star?
dan
									
Uh—well, he’s played by Devon Sowa.
stuart
									
So?
elliott
									
Who people remember best—of course—from Little Giants. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
People probably remember best from the first Final Destination and perhaps Idle Hands? I dunno? Depending on—
adal
									
And the Stan music video.
elliott
									
Yeah. I— [sighs]. You know. I just—I mean, he is kind of jacked in this? But I can’t take him seriously as like… a menacing figure. ‘Cause of my associations with him.
elliott
									
I’m—I’m merely asking about the name Hunter Dunbar.
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
Were you like—you were like, oh this guy sounds badass.
dan
									
Uh…
stuart
									
I mean, “Hunter” immediately makes, uh, makes it seem that he’s badass. Although I would think that Moose would be frightened of him because don’t hunters hunt mooses?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Ohhhh! Elliott: Ohhhh! Stuart: We’ll see!
elliott
									
I—you know what? Forget everything I was gonna say. This movie’s brilliant.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: So, uh, so when I previewed that joke for you earlier, Adal— Elliott: It’s got so much layers.
adal
									
I said I would laugh. [All laugh.] And I forgot.
stuart
									
Uh, yeah. I was expecting a bigger reaction? [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
I mean, I think we’re all just stunned by the realization that that probably is—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —what was intended! Adal: That’s probably what they were going for!
stuart
									
Yeah. Pupils were dilating. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
And—oh—and he’s named “Dunbar” because when Moose goes to the party he is done at the bar. [Multiple people laugh.] Because—in the only funny joke in the movie—he asks for a milkshake with real ice cream in it? And the bartender is like, uh, we don’t have that. [Multiple people laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh man, that was great. Elliott: And he’s disappointed.
stuart
									
As a—as a bartender, I can’t tell you the number of times I have to deal with a situation like that and I’m just like—the whole goal—all of my training is designed around how to massage a customer from their initial desire—which is, of course, a milkshake with real ice cream— [Multiple people laugh.] —to something that we do carry. Like a milkshake without real ice cream. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
So—could you make a milkshake but without—do you have the other ingredients? Do you have milk?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yes! So I would— Elliott: At your bar?
stuart
									
I would pour some milk into a glass and I would shake it in front of their face and be like, there you go! [Multiple people laugh.] Wakka wakka! [Multiple people laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I—I work in a Muppets themed bar. Uh— Elliott: And then how much would you charge for that? Adal: Ooooh!
elliott
									
[Through laughter] That’s right! I forgot that you work at Kermit’s Place.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah! Uh—I don’t know.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Like, a cup of milk? Dan: Fozzie Navel.
stuart
									
Yep. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Fozzie Navel. Elliott: Fozzie Nav—aw, that’s pretty good. Yeah. Dan: Nice.
stuart
									
Uh—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Dan, you know—you know you wanna come over for another Muppets drink. Stuart: Yeah. So I would charge ‘em like three bucks, four bucks? I don’t know. It depends on how I’m feeling. Dan: Uh—I don’t know.
dan
									
I can’t come up with—other than—the best I could come up with on short notice was Gonzoni, which is not very good. [All laugh.]
adal
									
Is that for macaroni? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
No, no. Gonzoni is the machine they use to clean the ice after Gonzo’s blood is splattered all over— [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —when the stunt goes wrong. Dan: I thought, like, gonzoni would be like— Adal: A negroni? Dan: Yeah, that’s what I had in my head. Stuart: —in like a Muppet’s mob movie.
stuart
									
That would be, like, Gonzo’s mafioso name.
dan
									
Oh, okay. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Now I wonder—they should do, like, a—they should do a Muppets mob movie. Where it’s Gonzoni and like… and they could call it the Dogfather! Ah! There ya go! And it’s—and it’s Rolf!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Let’s keep going, shall we? [Laughs.] Stuart: I love it.
elliott
									
Alright. Dan—okay. Let’s talk about The Fanatic.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: That’s way better than my Muppets gangster movie. Dan: Even though someone tweeted at me saying—
dan
									
—why does Dan stop Elliott and Stu from making jokes? Which is a good point, but at the same time… these two will talk not about the movie forever if I don’t keep things rolling along.
elliott
									
So let’s go through. Okay. So Moose, he’s—Leah has—his friend the paparazzi has gotten him into a slick Hollywood party.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Moose is out there, and he— Stuart: And by “get into”—
stuart
									
—she just pushes him over a fence. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
It’s true!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And into some very soft garbage. Elliott: What’s funny is that—
elliott
									
She—she asked him for a bolt cutter, but all he brought was a pair of scissors. She pushes him over a fence and then she appears in the party later. [Stuart laughs.] And it’s like—so did she jump over the fence, too, or did she just walk in? It doesn’t matter.
dan
									
Also, she’s like, paparazzi, right? That’s her job? Like, it doesn’t seem like she would be invited to be a guest at this Hollywood party!
elliott
									
No, she’s—that’s why they’re jumping over a fence, Dan! She was not invited to be a guest.
dan
									
Okay. But then she—alright.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, nevermind. Stuart: And then he gets—
stuart
									
He gets thrown out of that party and we find out that she’s, like, watching from the corner, ‘cause that’s her kink I guess? I don’t know. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
So she has this—he has this awkward encounter with an actress he recognizes. He does not get thrown out for harassing her; he gets thrown out for having a backpack, because no bags are allowed in the room. Which was a strange reason for the security guard to throw him out of the building, but.
crosstalk
									
Adal: To be fair— Dan: Well it’s—
adal
									
His backpack said “Hollywood” on it, so he blended right in.
dan
									
Yeah. [Multiple people laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Well, that’s—that security guard has a side job— Elliott: Yeah. Nobody noticed until he took it off his shoulders.
dan
									
—at a museum and he just forgot what job he was at at that moment. It’s why he was so upset about the backpack.
elliott
									
Very fair. Very fair. Uh, speaking of jobs—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Moose then goes on to do— Stuart: Are you not allowed to bring a backpack into a museum—
stuart
									
—‘cause you might put like a dino skeleton in there?
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. You might put one— [Elliott laughs.] —a dino skeletons.
adal
									
Some amber.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
elliott
									
I mean, I’m sure that’s exactly why you can’t bring a backpack into museums, so you don’t take things. But.
stuart
									
Oh, okay. Like— [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Not to rain on your parade! Not to hard rain on your parade. Stuart: That’s—yeah. ‘Cause they were watching—they were watching The Thomas Crown Affair.
stuart
									
And there’s that famous scene where Thomas Crown just puts a [though laughter] painting in his backpack— [All laugh.] —and walks out? And they’re like, how does he do it? [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: He’s the last of the master thieves! Elliott: It’s sticking out. He can’t zip— [Laughs.] Adal: Sir, did your Jansport have so many corners previously? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
He can’t—he can’t zip it up all the way? So part of the frame is sticking right out of the backpack? Uh, oh! Sir, sir! You dropped this! And he hands him, uh, like a—a Jacques Meri sculpture? [Multiple people laugh.] Oh, thanks! Thanks! Just walk that out! So speaking of jobs, John Travolta—Moose—then goes on to do his job, which is—he’s one of those costumed weirdos that hangs around in Hollywood for tips to take pictures. But he’s not like a famous character from the movies? He’s an English bobby? With a moustache and a really bad English accent—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And I thought this was an interesting choice. Stuart: Well he got hired because his—yeah. His accent’s so good. Right?
dan
									
Well clearly this is happening because—for the same reason that the only horror movie they ever show is Night of the Living Dead. Uh—public domain [though laughter] reasons. Like, uh, y’know, they can’t have him be a Spiderman because I don’t think Sony would play ball with The Fanatic. But—
crosstalk
									
Dan: But it is— Elliott: No. But at least—
elliott
									
—have him dress up in like a fake superhero costume. It’s—I’ve never, ever seen—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —an English bobby walking around there. Dan: No, I agree. It is [though laughter] baffling. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
I mean, they—they—and there’s even a scene shortly after where we see another street busker performing for a crown and in that crowd is another costumed, uh, performer—Cereal Man.
adal
									
Yes. I would die for Cereal Man. [Multiple people laugh.] That’s the Halloween costume of 2020.
crosstalk
									
Adal: Holy shit. Elliott: They also—
elliott
									
He just has a cereal box on his head. Right?
crosstalk
									
Adal: Yes! Stuart: Uh, I mean—
stuart
									
—and, like, a—and like a superhero suit. But like—
adal
									
And an attitude.
stuart
									
And—and the attitude is—I’m so good I don’t need to perform. I can watch other performers.
crosstalk
									
Adal: Yeah. He is our generation’s, uh, Cheddar Goblin. Cereal Man. Elliott: And people are just—and people are just— [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
—walking up to him and putting money in his hand. They’re just like, you just earned this. [Adal laughs.] Just by being here. Thank you.
dan
									
But I also like how Travolta is underlining the fact that he’s British by—he’ll just yell things like “The Beatles are coming!”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Or he’ll— Dan: Y’know, or—
stuart
									
—chase somebody down the street saying “Jack the Ripper!” over and over?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Jack the Ripper! Jack the Ripper! Adal: Yeah. Elliott: Yeah. [Laughs.]
adal
									
At one point he said, like, he said something like—here’s the quine. And I was like, quine? And it took me like thirty seconds to Beautiful Mind that he’s saying “queen”?
dan
									
And app—but apparently he makes enough money at the shop to have a fairly nice apartment and buy all this memorabilia. So I don’t know what’s going on.
elliott
									
Oh yeah. I mean, I have to assume that he’s living off of like a trust fund—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —or something set up for him. Dan: Must be. Must be.
elliott
									
Uh, but—so—and he also meets Todd, a street magician who’s als—basically a blockhead. He just puts a nail in his nose while his partner Slim picks the crowd’s pockets. Uh, and Moose is like—ugh, you’re disrespecting the fans! You’re disrespecting Hollywood! ‘Cause Moose has standards. Y’know? When he falls into the realm of the fanatic? It’s gonna be a big fall. Because he’s a figure of dignity. Anyway—
stuart
									
And I do like—I do like these two, uh, street busker thieves, uh, Slim and Todd. Because they—[through laughter] they like, they ham it up so much. Like, when Slim is lifting wallets he’s like licking his lips each time? [Elliott laughs.] He picks one up? Which is crazy because—if you’re gonna expect people to tip you, don’t take their wallet first. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah! Don’t—like—yeah! Like it was right when he’s asking for money! The pickpocketing started! I’m like, that is the wrong time! They’re gonna realize their wallet is gone and start—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —looking around for the pickpocket! Stuart: So what they should do—
stuart
									
—he—he removes their wallet, then he has to put a new wallet back in there with fake money.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: With just like one dollar in it. Dan: [Laughs.] Yeah. [inaudible] wallet.
elliott
									
But also—he only picks the pockets of people who have their arms crossed and are shaking their head, no, no, no, while the tricks are going on. ‘Cause they know there’s no tips from that guy, right? Okay. And also—but it is—he is very obvious about it. He might as well be going—yoink! As he takes the wallets out of the pockets.
adal
									
His first lift is like $500 in singles? Right?
crosstalk
									
Adal: It was like a wad of— Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
stuart
									
This guy’s on his way to the strip club.
elliott
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Or after his shift at the strip club. You don’t know. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
It’s true! Don’t judge. Uh, Moose goes to the Hunter signing at the store, and uh, Moose is like—fantasizing that Hunter’s like hey! Sit with me! You’re my best friend now! But Hunter—right before Moose’s turn—gets called away ‘cause his ex-wife has driven into the alleyway behind the store. Has complained to him that she had a date that night and he was supposed to watch their kid.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: They need a shared calendar. Stuart: Uh-huh. And he’s—and hers—
stuart
									
—and his kid is allergic to comic book stores. [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Well, but also—uh—we were watching this and like… Audrey pointed out, like, these are like—he’s a fucking movie star. Like… like… we’re to believe that he watches his own child? Like, when this sort of thing happens? Like, she would just get a babysitter, charge him money if she was like mad about it. Like, this is not—like—I mean, like, unless it’s like… one of these, um… y’know, you’re not spending enough time with your kid things, I would understand that? But like, that does not seem to be the thing. Just seems to be, like, oh, I had a date, like… you’re supposed to cover for me.
stuart
									
Well I think—it’s almost like she’s throwing it in his face that she has a date. Maybe that’s it.
elliott
									
Yeah. I think it’s more that she’s trying to get at him. Also, it can be very hard to find a babysitter! Especially at the last minute? You’re not a parent so you wouldn’t know these things. But anyway, because I’m, uh, doing my part to continue the human race on this earth—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I have—I often have trouble with [inaudible]. Dan: Overpopulating the earth. I understand. Adal: Brag. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
So, uh—Moose interrupts Hunter’s obviously, uh, stressful situation. And Hunter is incredibly overly rude to him. In a way that leads me to believe that, um… they realized that, uh—too late that they had to go somewhere from that? That they had—they couldn’t start with Hunter being the biggest dick in the world? They had to build up to it? Which means that by the time he is being stalked, Hunter is cartoonishly, uh, rough with Moose. But anyway. Moose is really hurt. Uh, Hunter, I guess—he’s like, I’m done. I’m not signing any more. Then walks back into the store? Which leads me to believe that he just wanted Moose to go and now he’s going to stay all night signing people’s memorabilias? Um—
stuart
									
Yeah. That’s what Adal usually does after his shows. Right? [Adal laughs.] You go out and you’re like—no more autographs. And then you sneak back in.
crosstalk
									
Adal: Well, I’ll go—I’ll go to a bar next door— Stuart: And you would—
adal
									
And I’m like, anybody recognize me? Please—I’m Chunt! Please? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Uh, so—they’re like—say that again. Let me hear your voice again. And then you say it.
adal
									
Uh, bing bong! I’m Chunt! Hello? It’s me?
elliott
									
And they’re like—no, sorry. I thought you were somebody else. [Stuart laughs.] That’s the worst. Um—so, uh, Leah—she shows Moose an app that he can use to find Hunter Dunbar’s house. That’s a bad idea, because of what he’s—what’s he gonna do? Write a complaining letter to Hunter. Uh, and he goes to Dunbar’s house to deliver it. This is when Hunter Dunbar threatens him to leave even more. And then takes, uh, he goes—he takes—writes his name really hard on Moose’s shirt with a marker?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Uh—
stuart
									
Yeah. There’s a moment where it looks like he stabs him with a Sharpie and I’m like—just because it’s called a Sharpie doesn’t mean it could stab someone. [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Well also, he like just like—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. He just stabs his, like, sternum. Stuart: Get it Dan! [Laughs.]
dan
									
And he doesn’t like even like move the marker around at all. But he like—apparently he’s written his name [though laughter] on the thing.
adal
									
The motions of his hand are like he’s—he’s, uh, inflicting hari kariums at him? Like, it’s—it’s a total gutting of his, yeah.
elliott
									
Yeah. And, uh, at this point—
stuart
									
This is after, of course, he had been jogging with his son and he—when he sees the stalker at—outside his home he goes—hey, son. Go in and fire up the Xbox. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Uh, he is—I think Hunter Dunbar—of all the characters in the movie, Hunter Dunbar seems to have more trouble interacting with other people than Moose does? Like… Moose is—seems pretty confident when he talks to people. Everybody likes him except Hunter Dunbar, who hates him.
stuart
									
Well, I mean—Todd and Slim give him a little bit of trouble.
dan
									
Yeah. They’re cartoonishly evil toward him.
elliott
									
That’s true. They are cartoonishly evil. Uh, but you have to assume all those nails to the head have done some damage to Todd.
stuart
									
Yeah. And I mean— [Laughs.] Based on Todd’s tan lines, it looks like he just recently picked up the trend of wearing only tank tops? [All laugh.]
adal
									
It is impressive to me that Todd takes a nail, checks to see that it’s sharp—someone in the audience checks it—and then he covers his entire face with both hands, pulls them back, and a nail is through his nose. It’s very impressive.
stuart
									
Uh-huh!
adal
									
How does he do it?
stuart
									
Uh, well, uh, Dan? You—I mean, you’re a big fan of—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —close-up magic. Right? Dan: Yeah. I mean, I [inaudible] sleight of hand.
dan
									
Uh, he probably just shoves it through his nose? [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Okay.
dan
									
Uh, let me google that? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
It would be a—the movie would make more sense to me if Hunter Dunbar was like trying to be friendly with him and then got upset because he was getting too irritated with him and then Moose snapped? But instead Hunter Dunbar is just a dick right from the beginning. Did this seem strange to you guys, too?
dan
									
Well, I—yeah. This goes to a, uh… sort of key question I have about the movie? Which is—who are we supposed to sympathize with? Because like I think—I mean, like, we have sympathy for Moose. Like, he’s obviously, like, doesn’t necessarily understand fully, like, the interactions he has?
stuart
									
And he’s played by John Travolta, so of course.
dan
									
But he does do, like— [Elliott laughs.] —he does like do things that, like… overstep his bounds greatly. Like, uh, later on in the movie, y’know, invading his home. Accidentally killing someone—spoiler alert. Like, there’s—he’s not entirely sympathetic. And Hunter Dunbar, the character that, like, maybe in one of these, uh, these stalker fan movies would be the one we’re supposed to sympathize with, is a dick all the way through the movie. So we’re left without a particular rooting interest in [though laughter] any of the characters, I think.
stuart
									
Yeah. And it—and like—even—even the—the—the paparazzo friend, uh… even she… I feel like is pretty guilty of some of these things. [Laughs.] Like, she knows who she’s dealing with and she is—she’s encouraging him to do things. Or there’s—or there’s the security guard, who’s like—you shouldn’t let those guys pick on you! You should—you [though laughter] should—
crosstalk
									
Adal: Fight back! Yeah. Stuart: You should beat ‘em up! [Laughs.] Dan: [Through laughter] Yeah. Elliott: Yeah. Yes.
elliott
									
When a security guard notices Todd and Slim teasing Moose in the bathroom where he changes into and out of his bobby costume, and he’s like—you should stand up for yourself! Probably kill those guys! Maybe torture ‘em first!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, I feel like— Adal: Don’t forget the nose bone’s connected to the brain! [Stuart laughs.] Elliott: Really teach ‘em a lesson! [All laugh.] Dan: If you hit in the right place, you can— Stuart: Yeah. I feel like in the—
stuart
									
I feel like in the original script he handed him a handgun and then— [Dan laughs.] —later on, when performing as a clown in a children’s hospital, the handgun fell out and then—oh man! He must like live in a society that’s twisted? I don’t know.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Oh, man. And—and Moose—uh, later when he lashes out at Todd, the security guard is like—I’m proud of you! That was good! It’s like—what kind of security guard are you? Like, why are you encouraging violence? Uh, Moose goes back to Hunter’s house and leaves off a letter but he runs away when Moose’s maid sees him and says, hey! Hey! Uh, the maid then—whose name is Dora—tells Hunter about this and they im—and then Hunter decides to take that opportunity to kiss her? And she’s like, no. We can’t do that anymore. And you’re like, ugh. Hunter. You’re gross. Don’t do that. Stop. Um—and then—Hunter calls somebody—I’m not sure who—and is like, yeah. I kissed the maid again. Oh boy. [Laughs.] And I was like, is that his therapist? Is he calling his ex-wife? Is that his son? Like, what—who is he talking to?
stuart
									
Is he talking to Harvey Levin over at TMZ?
dan
									
It’s the weather! He called the weather line. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah! Uh, and then shortly after this, doesn’t he also go and uh… like… yell at his gardener?
adal
									
Yes.
elliott
									
Uh, yeah. Well he tells the gardener—he’s like, hey. If you see a weirdo around here, tell me.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And uh, don’t listen—don’t listen to your music while you’re working. [Laughs.] Elliott: And—and—
adal
									
I love that—the maid goes, uh, there’s a strange man in the backyard. He was terrifying. And he goes, you sure it wasn’t the gardener? And I’m like, oh, buddy, no. [Stuart laughs.] Bad luck. Bad luck.
elliott
									
Yeah. Uh, he also—and then the gardener’s like—hey, I’m done with my work! Can I go now? And he’s like, yeah, sure. And that gardener—I have to assume—was like, I’m never coming back. This is not a job I want anymore.
stuart
									
He’s like—I’m only coming back with cuffs. A DVD of the movie Cuffs, with Christian Slater!
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Because he knows that’s Hunter’s favorite movie and that’s how to get back on his good side. [Persuasive voice] Hey, I thought you and me could watch Cuffs?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: My favorite movie? How did you know? Stuart: He’s like, young Tony Goldwyn!
adal
									
Can I ask something? Do we ever see the gardener and Cereal Man in the same place?
crosstalk
									
All: Ohhhh!
adal
									
Okay, just saying! Just—just saying.
elliott
									
I mean, to be fair, we never see Hunter and the Cereal Man in the same place. [Multiple people laugh.] We never see Dora and the Cereal Man in the same place.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And we never see Hunter’s son and Cereal Man in the same— Dan: To be fair, we only see Cereal Man for two seconds. Yeah. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
We only see him for just seconds in the background of one shot. Uh—
stuart
									
Now, is—is Cereal Man the sequel to Serial Mom? Oooh!
elliott
									
I have to assume so.
stuart
									
And the prequel to Serial: The Podcast. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. And also—and, uh, the hit song “Spoon Man” was on the soundtrack because there was a bit of a miscommunication— [Dan laughs.] —between the producers and Soundgarden. Um… so—anyway. Moose sneaks back into the house. Into the yard. And Dora is like, hey! Get out of her! And starts hitting him with, like, a magazine or something? He, uh, punches her and she hits her head on a fountain or whatever and she’s dead.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh—I didn’t know what it was he was hitting with. Adal: You thought that was a magazine? What do you think magazines look like, Elliott? How out of touch are you in LA? It was like an eight-foot-long red duster. Dan: I think it was like a duster. Yeah. [Laughs.] Stuart: It was—it was like a duster! Like, do your magazines come with like…
elliott
									
Guys, I’ll—I’ll—look. I’m gonna pull back the curtain and reveal that—as usual—I was watching this movie on an iPad while I did the dishes. [Multiple people laugh.] So I didn’t pick up every single nuance of the film. Uh—so—but she’s dead now. He accidentally killed her. It’s the classic Of Mice and Men moment.
dan
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Uh, or—O-M-A-M-M—as it’s known. OMAMM. Um, and—he wanders through the house. And this is the best sequence in the movie, where Moose wanders through the house. He’s banging on the piano. He picks up some antlers that are just lying around? And is like—there’s a Moose on the loose! [Multiple people laugh.] And is just running around. He brushes his teeth with either Hunter’s toothbrush or Hunter’s son’s toothbrush? I’m not sure. He’s watching home movies on a DV cam of happier days for Hunter and his wife. It’s like—he is—it’s a real Lives of Others scenario. But the things you’re doing—you’re so—it’s so clear that John Travolta—for at least part of it, was just kinda like… what else can I use? What else can I use? Uh—and they just followed him wandering around this house— [Dan laughs.] —improving with stuff.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. And there’s— Adal: Kool-aid man through the wall?
stuart
									
And there’s—
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. He—he—he bursts through a wall he throws a big party. Uh, some Apocalypse bikers show up because Lisa—the computer woman that he created—wanted to teach them a lesson.
adal
									
He puts on a leather jacket that says “Rico” and goes “Sandy?!”
crosstalk
									
Adal: Rocking and rolling! Elliott: Oh, and he also— [Laughs.]
elliott
									
A lot of the—a lot—he slides around in his underwear to, uh, “Old Time Rock’n’Roll.” He uh—he also—when he wears the “Rico” vest he wears it backwards? So it says “Rico” on his chest. And someone’s like, you’re wearing that backwards! And he’s like, I know. And it’s just, uh, unnecessary. So—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean, that’s the thing— Elliott: Guess what?
stuart
									
—like, character touches sometimes feel unnecessary, Elliott, but that’s kinda why they’re so important! Now—the great thing— [Elliott laughs.] —about this is that when, uh, while he’s watching the home videos, uh, on the little camcorder, of course he falls asleep. And I feel like a lesser director would be like—well, the character’s asleep. We can, uh, we can just cut the scene, right? And they’re like, no, no, no! Hold it for another couple minutes! [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.] I feel like that’s the description of much of this movie.
elliott
									
Uh, Hunter and his son come home. And they find—and Hunter puts his son to sleep, right? Not just—like you put a pet to sleep. He puts his son to bed.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh-huh. Stuart: Jesus.
elliott
									
But not like he would take the maid to bed. Like, anyway—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. God. You’re making it worse. Elliott: He’s tucking him in. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
But not the way you would tuck into a big dinner. He’s, uh—he’s, uh, singing him a lullaby, but not the same way that you would, like, sing a lullaby to—oh no! It is the exact same way.
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
But we see that Moose is hiding under the son’s bed. Moose starts poking around. Hunter, of course, falls asleep in a chair. Which is the sign of someone whose life is in trouble. And Moose walks over and starts smelling him? And then sits down to watch the beginning of Night of the Living Dead, which triggers a memory of him watching Night of the Living Dead as a kid while his mom made out with somebody—with some guy? And… I was not sure what that was implying. Was that implying that… it was traumatic of him that his mom was dating again? After what was probably a—a divorce. Y’know.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Or maybe— Dan: I think that’s it.
elliott
									
Maybe the death of his father, that he couldn’t—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —hold up that— Stuart: Or maybe that—
stuart
									
Or maybe that just he found, uh, he found refuge in movies!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. I think horror movies are a safe space for him. Yeah. Stuart: Like— Adal: It seemed like he was raised by movies. He’s like a cable guy move. Elliott: But what is he finding refuge—
elliott
									
—what is he finding refuge from?
stuart
									
Well, I mean, like… human interaction that he has difficulty with!
elliott
									
Oh, okay. Maybe. ‘Cause I wasn’t sure if it was like—in Watchmen, like, Rorschach’s backstory is that he’s the son of a prostitute. And she and her johns don’t treat him well. And I was like—are they hinting at that? ‘Cause it’s not—doesn’t seem like that at all. And to be honest, if that was my mom? I mean, I know I’m not Moose. If that was my mom and she was getting back into the game—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —again? I’d feel like— Stuart: No offense, Elliott—I feel like—
stuart
									
I feel like if your parents named you “Moose” it would’ve been like this weird irony. [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Yeah, ‘cause I’m so tiny! I’d be like a little moose! Um— [Stuart laughs.] Well the—they—they were gonna name me—they were gonna name me Abs Jumbo. But— [Multiple people laugh.] —at the last minute they decided not to.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: But if—if— Stuart: That’s all—
stuart
									
Is that all one word or is “Jumbo” a middle name? Is that a family middle name?
elliott
									
Well it’s two words but it’s one first name. So it’s like a first name phrase. I was gonna be Abs Jumbo. My middle name, of course, was gonna be Pecs McGee. And then my last name, Kalan. It’s family name. Uh, Junior. It is a family name—Abs Jumbo Pecs McGee Kalan. That was my grandfather’s name. So, the, uh—instead they named me after my other grandfather, Elliott Kalan, and they never looked back. So—but if I was him, I’d be like—hey! Good on you, mom. Good on you for going out there and remembering that you have a life outside of being a mom. But I guess for him it’s just horror movies! Now, at this point—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —there were only 35— Stuart: And you’re—you’re talking about—
stuart
									
You’re talking about the character Moose and not your grandfather, [though laughter] right? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah! Oh—
adal
									
There was a stellar moment where the boyfriend of the mom is like—ugh! What is that? Is that a kid in there?! [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Like—pretty obvious! I mean, or—unless you’re talking about the TV, which is a different thing entirely. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. No he thought—he’s like, is that a kid? It’s got some kind of images on its screen?! Kids don’t have screens? [Multiple people laugh.] What is this monstrosity? And they’re like, no, no. It’s—it’s a television. And he’s like, explain! And they’re like, well, we harnessed the electron to transmit pictures and eventually sound over airwaves. He’s like, air… waves? Hold on a second. And the mom and the—it really ruins the moment of romance because they have to explain to him how science works. Sad, really. Uh, now at this point there’s only 35 minutes left in the movie so you’re like—okay. Is someone gonna… take someone prisoner or kidnap them or threaten ‘em or something like that? ‘Cause there’s not a lot of movie left. Moose is woken up by Hunter’s cell phone alarm, and runs away. So—nope! Not yet! [Dan laughs.] I guess not. Uh—
stuart
									
But I think this kind of a—this kind of establishes that Hunter is a deep sleeper; in part because he takes two kinds of pills.
adal
									
Yep.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. Oh yeah.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh— Adal, Dan, and Stuart: One for insomnia—
stuart
									
And—and one—to sleep.
adal
									
Two—two for sleep.
elliott
									
One to sleep. Yeah. And, uh, Moose is looking through Hunter’s pills and he goes—oh, Hunter. Don’t do drugs. [Adal laughs.] But uh—Hunter is driving his son while listening to Limp Bizkit on the radio and talking about how great it is, in the least realistic scene in the entire movie. And… then they see Moose on the road. And Hunter stops his car and gets out and tells Moose if he ever shows up again, he’s gonna—what—put a gun up his butt and he’ll be spitting bullets and blood for a week or something like that?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s a—it’s a weird— Stuart: I think shitting bullets and blood.
elliott
									
Oh, okay. It’s a convoluted threat. And he calls him a stalker and Moose is like—I’m not a stalker! That’s the word that really triggers Moose. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. It’s a real, like, uh… like, uh… chicken in Back to the Future: Part 2 situation.
stuart
									
Yeah. They—they were—I think they were originally going to title this movie Stalker. But they were worried that it would have too many similarities with the Tarkovsky movie. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. They—they were worried too many people would—would go to it thinking they were seeing Tarkovsky’s Stalker. And be like—wait a minute! Why aren’t guys walking through the forest for three hours doing nothing? [Dan laughs.]
adal
									
I think there’s a genuine—maybe the most genuine moment in the movie is where he confronts him and says—you’re gonna—you’re gonna be shitting blood and bullets, and then he yells—“Say it!” And Travolta goes—I’m gonna be shitting blood and bullets? And he goes, no, no, no. You’ll never come back here. And it’s like—you never said that! [Multiple people laugh.] So it’s like—it was like a real human moment where for once the audience is like, we’re with Travolta!
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Yeah. I mean, it’s so rare that—I haven’t been with Travolta, god, in years. But when we were together— [Multiple people laugh.] —we had such a good time. Just—it’s the laughs and like… the—the affectionate moments? But I haven’t been with him—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Y’know, in years. Adal: Famously, under a dock. Right?
elliott
									
What?
adal
									
You made out under a dock?
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah! We made out under Doc Hollywood. [Multiple people laugh.]
adal
									
Oh, that’s right. Val Kilmer?
elliott
									
The movie was screening— [Multiple people laugh.] —at a drive-in. And we—and we were just under the screen. Uh—that’s—he—John Travolta has this weird thing where if he can’t see either an image of Michael J. Fox or the actual Michael J. Fox, then he just can’t get turned on. And so sometimes we’d just invite Michael J. Fox over—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —and he’d have to sit there. Stuart: Okay. Feels like libel. [Laughs.] Dan: This is a weird area. Adal: Okay. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
[Elliott laughs.] It feels like libel, uh, because it is. So anyway, um… it’s not really. No one believes that, right? There’s a little—now—every now and then there’s been these little, like, animated illustrations? Of Moose?
stuart
									
Oh, right!
elliott
									
Uh—to really get across the whimsy? [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I guess? Of the movie? Stuart: Are they, like—
stuart
									
Are they, like, meant to be like… like… street chalk drawings or something?
dan
									
I don’t know. But I—I liked them! They were cool-looking. But—like, the first one I feel like comes up halfway through the movie? And I’m like, this is too late to introduce a new element, movie. Like you can’t just—
elliott
									
No, I agree.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: You—like, this is gonna be part— Stuart: Yeah. There’s only five elements. I think we’ve addressed that. And the fifth one is love! Dan: Yeah. [Laughs.] Adal: Yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
If—if this is gonna be part of your style, you gotta bring it in earlier than almost when the movie’s over? But it was the—it was the best thing about the movie, was those illustrations. Uh—okay. So.
stuart
									
It’s like the little Claymation bits in, uh, Life Less Ordinary, right?
dan
									
Mm-hm.
adal
									
Or like, the anime in, uh, Kill Bill?
stuart
									
Uh-huh!
elliott
									
Or like that, uh, Claymation hamburger! In, uh, what was that—it is Better Off Dead?
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah! The best part of the movie! [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Or like, in The Golden Child when that Pepsi can starts dancing? [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Also the best part of the movie.
elliott
									
Yeah.
adal
									
Besides “I want the knife wrapped.” [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Or that—that part in, uh, Captain Phillips when the hot dog starts dancing? [Multiple people laugh.]
adal
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Yeah!
elliott
									
And there’s that—there was that part in Richard Jewell where there was like a—there was like a dancing—like a dancing mouse? And he’s like, “Cheer up Richard! Let me show ya!” And they like—did a dance together? [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Okay.
adal
									
Or in The Pianist, where, um… the can of peaches starts talking? Right?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah, that was hilarious! He’s like, “Hey!” Stuart: Mm-hm. Adal: He’s like, I can suck my own dick? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Yeah. That’s—
adal
									
That was in The Pianist, right?
elliott
									
That was in The Pianist, yeah, yeah. That’s, uh, they wanted to do the play on words in the title.
adal
									
Yes, yes, yes.
elliott
									
Uh, or—uh, the—I haven’t seen, uh, Queen & Slim yet, but I assume there’s a part where clouds are just talking about them and they’re going like, yeah! Go, Queen and Slim! You’re doing great! [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Mm-hm. [Laughs.] Mm-hm. This is Stuart—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —disagreeing with what you guys are saying. Dan: Fifteen more! [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.] Elliott: There’s like—there’s like that— Dan: Yeah. Let’s— [Laughs.]
elliott
									
There’s that part in, uh, Little Women—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And this was not in the book! Where the, uh, where that alien, Gleep-Glorp, comes down? And is like—I’ve got an idea for a book for you! Little Alien Women! And, uh, and uh—Jo is like—yeah! That is a good idea, but what if they weren’t aliens? And Gleep-Glorp is like, uh, that’s not my idea. [Dan laughs.] And he flew away.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: He was very mad at the changes. Stuart: That’s the thing, ‘cause Gleep-Glorp is very small.
stuart
									
Like, that, uh, Hanna Barbara alien that floats around—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —and talks to Fred Flintstone? And, uh— Dan: The Great Gazoo. Elliott: Yeah. The Great Gazoo, yeah.
stuart
									
And so when—when Jo suggested that it be called Little Non-Alien Women, he was like—that’s insane, because you are much larger than me! [Adal laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Uh—
elliott
									
Yeah. To me, you’re the size of mountains and skyscrapers! And she’s like, what’s a skyscraper? [Stuart laughs.] And he’s like, just wait a few decades! [Multiple people laugh.] Wink! ‘Cause he can see the future. [Assorted noises of bemusement from co-hosts and guest.] Uh, so anyway. And then the rest of the movie is him—
dan
									
Just a few decades? [Multiple people laugh.] I think your timeline’s off, but…
elliott
									
When did the first skyscr—y’know, they weren’t as tall as they are now, but the first—what you would call skyscrapers—were like the 1890s!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, like a three-story building would be a skyscraper! Dan: I guess, but I mean—
dan
									
She would also have to, like, travel to see this skyscraper. Like—I—I don’t know.
elliott
									
You’re right! And that’s impossible! [Dan laughs.] People were glued to the ground back then!
dan 
									
[Through laughter] Okay. Well, let’s move on with the movie.
elliott
									
What—that’s your issue? It’s literal—it literally about—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —a family where the dad is away from home! Like— Dan: I mean, there’s not gonna be sky—there’s not gonna be skyscrapers—
dan
									
—out on, like, the prairie. Wherever they are. Like, I don’t…
elliott
									
You’re right, Dan. You’re right. And I—and if someone said to me, three years ago— [Stuart laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —or five years ago, “Donald Trump’s gonna be president,” Stuart: [Through laughter] “Out on the prairie.” [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
I would’ve said—but not right here. He’s gonna be in another city! I don’t have to worry about that.
dan
									
Alright. Let’s—
elliott
									
We don’t have presidents in California!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Let’s move along. Elliott: Anyway. Uh—
elliott
									
Moose—as it—to add insult to injury—or injury to insult—Moose’s Vespa breaks and he takes a little bit of a tumble. Goes home and cries and he has a monologue. He burns all of his Hunter Dunbar memorabilia. And we finally get to see a scene from Space Vampires! Which is basically… Dunbar and a woman standing in an alley and she’s like—they want revenge! And he goes, revenge is my middle name. And then they kiss? And I was like, oh! So he makes bad movies. I see. I get it. Um—Leah is like—hey! Did you post a picture on social media of you smelling Hunter Dunbar in his sleep in his house? [Dan laughs.] Don’t do that! And he blocks her from his social media and throws her out of his house.
stuart
									
Yeah. She was worried, ‘cause he’s—probably got a pretty big following. Right?
dan
									
Oh, also—let’s— [Multiple people laugh.] —address a—a little bit of a moment which is, uh… I mentioned Back to the Future earlier, and, uh, not since, y’know, this high school kid is friends with a mad scientist has a friendship been so… uh… unlikely and not explained as Leah and Moose. ‘Cause it’s like—like, she is… a… young… paparazzi. And he is… a… uh… middle-aged… y’know, uh… proto-stalker, uh…
stuart
									
Like, I guess he’s—I guess he’s middle-aged. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Uh, older than that, I guess! Uh—
elliott
									
I mean, he’s in—he’s in his sixties, I think. Right?
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
I would say that probably—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —since they are both— Stuart: I think that—
stuart
									
I think the super-hip haircut is throwing you off, Dan.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Mm. Stuart: His—his, uh— Elliott: Oh, yeah.
stuart
									
His audition for Diantfort uh, haircut.
adal
									
It’s the—it’s the exact haircut that Charlie Sheen has in Major League? The Wild Thing haircut?
stuart
									
Elliott—Elliott doesn’t like sports.
adal
									
Oh no!
elliott
									
No, no. I don’t like sports, uh, except for… would you call dogfighting a sport? [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Oh, God. Don’t joke about that, Elliott!
elliott
									
It’s—I think probably them both being kind of nightcrawlers in their own way? They’re part of—it’s—this is a real Day of the Locust, like, underbelly of Hollywood type of community. And so I think that’s where—it’s supposed to be that, like, these are the weirdos and the eccentrics and the forgotten people of Hollywood. But they’re not that weird. They’re not that forgotten. They’re not out at night very much? Like—
dan
									
I guess so, Elliott. But like—I would’ve appreciated, like, maybe—I don’t—again. Don’t like a lot of backstory? Maybe a line or two.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I don’t know, I feel like—often you— Dan: Saying, like, why the hell they’re hanging out. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Not to provide backstory for the podcast, but this seems to be something you bring up kind of often, Dan. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
I mean, I just—just—uh, Dan, we haven’t released yet the, uh, Alita: Battle Angel episode yet, right?
dan
									
No, we haven’t.
elliott
									
Because there, I remember your cry was—“More backstory! Explain the world more, please!”
dan
									
Again— [Multiple people laugh.] —then I said, “One or two lines. Don’t like a lotta backstory, but if something is weird in the movie, I appreciate, uh, some sort of explanation.”
adal
									
It would be great if at some point, Moose just turned to her and he goes, hey—don’t forget—you owe me, like, fifty grand, right? Anyway, what we were talking about? [Multiple people laugh.] Just a quick table setting just to—for us to be like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
elliott
									
When Moose is like—when I found you in a basket on my doorstep as a baby— [Stuart laughs.] —and raised you to be a fan— [Multiple people laugh.] —we formed a for—sort of father-daughter relationship. Yeah, of course, Moose!
crosstalk
									
Adal: Isn’t that right, Liam Moses? Dan: I’m just saying, I don’t buy this friendship. That’s all.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. When she’s like—you’re my roller derby coach; I need to— [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.] I need to make sure that you stay out of trouble.
elliott
									
Dan, I—I’ve got a lot of videos to show you, then, of some unlikely friendships. A pig and a duck? [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I mean, I would love to see that. I would love to see those. Elliott: A monkey and a dog?
dan
									
You know that there’s nothing I would love more than seeing— [Stuart laughs.]
adal
									
A Turner and a Hooch? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
‘K. Charles Manson and Fred Rogers? It happened, Dan! Unlikely friendships! [Multiple people laugh.] That’s Elliott Kalan’s continuing slander corner! Anyway. Uh—so—they—they get into a big fight. This is finally—finally—I think there’s, like, 15 minutes left in the movie.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
When the fana—the fan—becomes a—let’s say “the fana”—the fan becomes the fanatic. Because Hunter wakes up tied to his bed.  Moose is lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Oh no! Kidding! It’s just a joke! He’s just fooling! So he stabs Hunter. Kidding! It was a fake knife. Then he leaves the room and then he comes back in a Jason mask with another knife. Kidding! And I was like—Moose, can you cut it with the pranks? Come on! [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s just like—this—this non-stop— Adal: And he—Moose suddenly—
elliott
									
It be—it’s like this nonstop parade of pranks.
adal
									
Yeah, and it’s a cavalcade of, like, actual movie references? Like, the first half of the movie is all—it’s like Moon Vampires and Ghost Ship and all of a sudden he does, like, an Aliens reference; Friday the 13th reference; Halloween reference—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: He pours gasoline—he pours gasoline on him while singing “Stuck in the Middle of You”—“—With You.” Yeah. Adal: Uh, Reservoir Dogs reference? Yeah.
elliott
									
And it’s like—the—it’s like, make up your mind. Does this take place in our world or in a crazy fake movie world? Come on.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Well—also— Stuart: Well—and it’s too bad that this guy—
stuart
									
—who claims to be raised by horror movies, but he makes a clear Friday the 13th reference—but then conflates Devon Sawa’s character’s performance with Jamie Lee Curtis? Come on! [Dan laughs.]
adal
									
I love when he makes him—he makes him repeat the—
elliott
									
That was a big gaffe.
adal
									
That line that we see at the top of the movie? The… “You’re a fan; without you, this isn’t possible?” Whatever that is? What was the line?
stuart
									
Yeah. Without you I’m nothing.
adal
									
He—he—uh, Sawa finally says it. And Travolta goes—say it again. Which, to me, is like—if somebody said, like, forget about it, Jake! It’s Chinatown! And he goes, one more time? [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And then— [Laughs.] Yeah. He—he turns to the camera and winks. Adal: I said forget about it, Jake! It’s Chinatown! Yeah. [Laughs.]
dan
									
I wanna say—I still don’t—I don’t get what… we’re supposed to think of what’s going on here? Or what… Travolta’s, like, Moose is thinking? ‘Cause like—
elliott
									
We’re supposed to think—boy, Fred Durst! You’re a double threat! Filmmaker and amazing musician? [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Well, but we’re like supposed to think that like, Moose is finally taking his revenge, I guess. Like, he’s tied Devon Sawa up and he’s like doing all these things but like… Moose is also treating it like, oh, we’re just having fun reenacting, like, movie shit together! Like, this is fun! It’s a prank! Ha, ha, ha!
stuart
									
Well, it’s kind of a horror movie, too. Like, there’s an idea of society has clearly… failed this guy. And… uh… his—y’know, his friends have failed him. And he’s just trying to find some moment of human connection, Dan.
dan
									
Uh… I don’t—
stuart
									
That’s—that’s all—I mean, I dunno. Like, I don’t—
dan
									
I don’t know what you’re—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I don’t know—what I’m trying to say is—and I’m not doing a bit! Dan: —doing here. I don’t know what the bit is. Elliott: I mean, I think—I think—
stuart
									
I’m just saying that, like, I don’t know if necessarily you are supposed to sympathize with him at this point? Because he’s—I mean, you sympathize with him because he’s a human, but I feel like there’s also an element where he’s like… he is—like, he’s clearly doing villainous stuff. Like—
dan
									
No, but I’m just saying—I don’t know what… not even, like, how we’re supposed to like, take—like, whether we’re supposed to sympathize with him. But like, what he’s doing. Like, what is he doing?
elliott
									
Well, I think--Dan, there’s—I think the confusion here is that Moose is a character who will not have a clearly thought-out, brilliant plan. But the movie should have a plan for what’s gonna happen. And it feels like the movie doesn’t know what’s—it’s okay if Moose is like—like—I could see this scene done well, where… someone is being… threatening—they think, in a playful way—
dan
									
Right.
elliott
									
But because the other person does not know how far this character will go, they’re scared the whole time. Like, they don’t know what’s a joke and what’s not a joke. And that could be like really scary. But because the movie is not clear, it’s like… wait, what?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Like, come on. Where are we going with this? Yeah. Dan: I think that’s the confusion I’m having. Yes.
elliott
									
Like, you’re blaming the movie, not—not Moose.
dan
									
Yeah. Yeah.
elliott
									
‘Cause how could you blame a moose?
dan
									
You can’t blame a moose.
stuart
									
Mm-mm.
dan
									
Majestic.
elliott
									
No.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yep!
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Incredibly majestic, yeah. Yeah. And if you give a moose a muffin? Is that what the book is?
crosstalk
									
Dan: [inaudible] [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Give a moose a muffin, he’ll walk a thousand miles. Uh—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Who moved my cheese? Stuart: He’ll—he’ll— [Multiple people laugh.] 
adal
									
If you give a moose a muffin, he’ll ask for a milkshake.
crosstalk
									
Adal: Strawberry! Real ice cream, please! Real ice cream. Elliott: He—oh, boy.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Real ice cream, please. Adal: That’s important.
elliott
									
And then when you give him the milkshake, he’ll take your favorite actor hostage. And then he’ll—he’ll—but he’ll be so hungry from taking him hostage, he’s gonna want a muffin!
stuart
									
So—now we finally get a taste of why Hunter is Moose’s favorite actor: because he turns on that Hunter Dunbar charm and starts giving Moose a little bit of an acting lesson.
elliott
									
Oh, yeah. He starts, uh, he starts sweet-talking him. He starts telling him how, uh, yeah. They’re gonna have so much fun. And how they’re gonna visualize it. Y’know, actors—they need to visualize things sometimes. Let’s visualize all the fun we’re gonna have! And he leads him through a fantasy of like getting ice cream together; and—what? Going to a movie set together or something?
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott 
									
And then I think getting married and like raising children together?
stuart
									
Yep.
elliott
									
And—finally he—
stuart
									
Yep. With, uh, with plastic on the furniture. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Of course. Yeah. And—and one of them, of course, dying before the other and the other one being like, oh, he was my one true love. And just—living in his memories. And you know what? At least he has his memories as—I assume Moose is gonna outlive Hunter. And Moose is just kind of like—put into a home by Hunter’s son, who has really come to see Moose as, like, a surrogate father. In the end. Uh, and it’s very—and in the end—the son marries Leah! Even though there’s an age difference between the two of them. Because he’s just a teen and she’s kind of like a young woman. But it’s a real, uh, Jake Lloyd/Natalie Portman type attraction. Where they’re—he’s gonna grow up and they’re gonna get married, secretly, on another planet. But Hunter Dunbar’s son—the thing is, he doesn’t like sand. ‘Cause it gets everywhere. And it’s itchy and scratchy. Uh—but—he—uh, Itchy and Scratchy go on to be Bart Simpson’s favorite cartoon characters! [Multiple people laugh.] Uh, so. Uh, Hunter convinces Moose to untie him. And then he’s like—haha! Tricked you! And he shoots Moose. With—and then stabs him in the eye. And he’s—and he shoots his hand off! Like, it’s crazy!
adal
									
He shoots off his smellsticks. Is what I think—I assume Moose calls his fingers— [Stuart laughs.] —‘cause he keeps doing that—he keeps doing that little ear rub and then sniffing his fingers? You know how people do. [Elliott laughs.] So you know he calls his fingers his smellsticks.
elliott
									
You just know it.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: We just got a little peek into Adal’s mind. Elliott: Yeah. I mean, that’s— [Laughs.] [Adal laughs.] Adal: Cinema Boy, back at it again! With the smellsticks.
elliott
									
That’s—that’s not canon? But in the Tales from the Fanatic, uh, book that you write, it’s gonna—he’s gonna refer to them as smellsticks. Yeah. Anyway. And Hunter goes way overboard in destroying Moose. And then—but then he kinda feels bad about it and so he just lets Moose go?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And— Dan: Yeah, well he has a moment of like— Stuart: Yeah.
dan
									
—what am I doing? Hold on. I shouldn’t… kill this guy. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Adal: At the point—at the point where he— Elliott: I think I’ve become the space vampire.
adal
									
At the point where he takes out the knife and starts to cut Moose, I did burst into song singing, “Everybody cut Moose; cut Moose.” [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Very nice.
adal
									
Had to.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Very nice. Adal: Had to.
elliott
									
This—it’s a—that’s a—there’s a movie about a town where stabbing is illegal— [Adal laughs.] —and Kevin Bacon’s gotta change that. And everyone in town is like, wait, this is a good law! Why— [Laughs.] Why are you trying to change this? [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Yeah. I mean—that’s most towns, Elliott. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
I wouldn’t go as far as to say every town. [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] It’s not unusual for someone to move to a town where stabbing is illegal. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
And it’s not unusual to—for—to fall in love with anyone! Y’know?
stuart
									
So once again, uh, I do like any time a character sleeps in a bed with a, like, a lever-action rifle above it? [Multiple people laugh.] And, like, a giant Bowie knife? [Laughs.] In his like—uh—in the little drawer next to his bed?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Was the—was the knife loose? Dan: Well, this guy’s got—
stuart
									
Or did it have a sheath?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I think it was loose! Oh, it had a sheath? Okay. Yeah. Adal: It had a sheath. He took it out. Yeah. Elliott: He took it out of his sheath.
elliott
									
Yeah. ‘Cause he—he was—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: He’s not—he’s not [though laughter] a maniac. Elliott: That was when he played—
elliott
									
He was in the direct-to-video sequel to Crocodile Dundee. Crocodile Dundee: The Next Generation. [Multiple people laugh.] And that’s where he got that knife from—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —I assume. Adal: [Imitating Australian accent] That’s not a knife!
adal
									
[Continuing accent] This is a sharpie! [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Well, earlier he said to—he says to her, well he’s like, I’ve got the real knife from Blood Sacrifice or something. I could go get it and sign it for you. And I wondered if they were like—good. Now we can have him stab him, ‘cause we had a line of dialogue saying he has a knife in the house.
adal
									
Chekhov’s Knife.
elliott
									
Good filmmaking. Uh—Moose somehow wanders back to Hollywood Boulevard, and, uh, the tourists there think that his horrific wounds are a costume and these two kind of Eurotrash tourists want to take a picture with him. And he’s just like—[makes sobbing noises], but in a way he’s achieved his dream—he’s finally a character people want to be around! Not an English bobby that no one wants to be near, but a horrifically-wounded man crying while wandering the—on the street! And, uh, Leah finds him—double-parks her car to go get him—and then just wanders off with him. And he sees the, uh, the star for, uh—I forget which—which actor or actress. Which actor on the ground. And starts talking about how great they are. And then—uh-oh! A Hunter—movie’s not over! At Hunter Dunbar’s house, the police arrest him. Because Dora’s body has still been lying there?
stuart
									
For like three days!
adal
									
Days, yes.
elliott
									
For days! And that—Hunter, like—or his son or anybody—never went out and noticed that—one—never noticed that Dora was missing. But also never noticed that Dora’s body was just lying on the ground—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —outside his house? And, uh, we— Adal: Right. Dan: Well the gardener is the one who brings the police, Elliott.
dan
									
So maybe the gardener finds the body in the back.
stuart
									
Well and the gardener has been working undercover. Right? I thought that was pretty clear. [Multiple people laugh.]
adal
									
The gardener is Cereal Man. Who works with the cops, not against them. He’s not a vigilante.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah, yeah. When they—well, then when they— Adal: He’s in it for him—
elliott
									
When they need help, they put the Cereal signal up in the sky. [Adal laughs.] Which is, uh, is of course a light that’s just shaped like a bowl of cereal with a spoon sticking out of it.
dan
									
But—yeah. Like, Hunter Dunbar gets taken away in handcuffs for the murder of this woman and we’re supposed to think, like, oh, how dark and, like… twisted, I guess, this is. But I was sitting there being like—this case is gonna fall apart immediately. Like… like—John Travolta’s blood is all over the place. [Multiple people laugh.]
adal
									
He—on—on social media he posted a video of him kissing his head in his house.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah! And like—if you— Stuart: And his 40,000 followers—
stuart
									
—saw it! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
And if he murdered this woman, like, he would not just let her, like… stay in his backyard! He would do something about it. Like—like, this is all—none of it hangs together to frame this guy.
elliott
									
Hey, man. Hunter Dunbar? He’s a star. He thinks he can get away with anything, man! So it’s time for him to be—I think the move—the audience is supposed to be like, good. Hunter’s gonna get taken down a peg. But you’re right! Almost instantly they’re gonna be like… oh, you have an alibi for when this happened?
crosstalk
									
Adal: Yeah. Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re—you’re— Elliott: And also— Dan: I think—
stuart
									
You’re imagining his lawyer being like, [thick Southern accent] “People of the jury—” [Multiple people laugh.] “Why would Hunter Dunbar murder his housekeeper and then just leave the body in the backyard? He would clearly chop it up and eat it!” [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah, exactly!
adal
									
Can we just—
elliott
									
[Twangy Southern accent] Not just because—not just to get rid of the evidence, but because my client is a cannibal! [Multiple people laugh.]
adal
									
[Faint accent that fades away as he continues speaking] Objection, Your Honor! The liquified eye does not indicate anything. And I think the maid was still holding the letter he wrote?
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Uh—yeah.
adal
									
Right?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Through laughter] Yeah, I think so! Most of it. Stuart: [Southern accent] Clearly the maid was holding evidence!
adal
									
That’s why I had to eat the body to gain her memories! [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
I’ll point you to the Nest cameras that clearly recorded a maniac coming in and killing the maid and then attacking my client. And they’re like—mm, yeah. The prosecutors are like, we want to issue a writ of Hunter Dunbar Is A Jerk? And the judge is like—I’ll allow it! And that’s why he goes to jail.
crosstalk
									
Adal: Your Honor? The—there are moose tracks all over the place. Elliott: To the worst jail: jerk jail. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
[Accent continues] There was a moose on the loose, ladies and gentlemen of the jury! This unidentified—and my client, Hunter, has dedicated himself to finding the real moose—who go—who committed these ghastly crimes! Meanwhile, his son is still sleeping.
stuart
									
So—are you saying you’d like at the very end for there to be some kind of an update as to how the, uh, how the criminal proceedings went? Or…
crosstalk
									
Stuart: The court proceedings? I kind of feel that way about most, uh, detective shows? Dan: No, I’m not saying that at all! Elliott: Well, yeah. Dan, ‘cause you—I know you like more information. You—
stuart
									
Like, I would like—like, every episode of Elementary I’m like, I wanna know if Sherlock actually caught this guy! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
No, I—yeah. You’re right, Stuart. I wanted an Unbreakable style, like paragraph to come up on the screen.
stuart
									
Paragraph of text.
dan
									
To explain what happened to everyone afterward.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I mean, there is—there is a little bit of voiceover from Leah— Stuart: They do call him “unbreakable” at the beginning of the movie!
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Uh, there is a little, uh, voiceover from Leah where she says that Moose lost his hand and his eye, but he never lost… his love of Hollywood. Or something like that.
crosstalk
									
Adal: And we do get a little drawing! Elliott: And that’s the end of it.
adal
									
The—one of those famous drawings with him with a pirate eye patch, a hook, and then he sprouts angel wings and then Leah jumps on his back and they—uh—probably fly into eternity.
stuart
									
Guess he’s dead! [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah! I don’t know what that’s supposed to signify.
elliott
									
That’s all—that’s all that’s about. I mean, they should’ve shown him in costume as a pirate talking to tourists, because now he could really do that!
adal
									
Oh, man.
elliott
									
And that’s a real thing.
adal
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
That people might wanna take—like, now he’s Jack Sparrow. And just show him being, like, [Cockney accent] “Hello! It’s me, Jack Sparrow!”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And you’re like—Jack Sparrow— Dan: [Cockney accent] Here come the Beatles.
elliott
									
Dan—[Laughs.] Jack Sparrow didn’t have, like, a hook for a hand or an eyepatch. And he was like, mm, I’m, um… Jack Sparrow… having seen hard times. [Multiple people laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Adal: To be fair, he wouldn’t have a hook—he wouldn’t have a hook for a hand. Elliott: And they’re like, okay. Dan: Okay.
adal
									
He would have five little hooks as fingers.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. Dan: That’s true.
dan
									
Why don’t people ever do that? Anyway. Moving on to final judgments. Uh, is this a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie you kinda like? I’m gonna say, look. This movie is hateful. This is a hateful movie.
stuart
									
Yep.
dan
									
Like, uh… Fred Durst clearly, like… hates his fans. Hates the people that made him famous. Uh, this is his idea of what fans are like. And—but oddly enough, he, like, makes the star also hateful? And I think… I think it might be just because he doesn’t want to be accused of hating his fans? He’s like, what if everyone’s horrible, then no one’s horrible!
stuart
									
No, and there’s also—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —probably a certain amount of like— Elliott: See, anyway—I take issue with that.
stuart
									
I don’t know. I mean, I feel like it’s—it’s—when you work in that field there’s a chance that you could see… like… other people as being worse?
dan
									
Yeah, no. I know! Well that’s what I’m saying!
elliott
									
Now, I—see—I’m gonna take issue, Dan. I think that—and this—and I can’t get inside the mind of Fred Durst. I can’t get through that red Yankees cap he’s wearing backwards. But I would say that… I think you’re misreading it. And that Moose is supposed to be a figure of sympathy. That this is like Joker. He’s a figure of sympathy who’s pushed too far by this terrible system that destroys people—a system known as… Hollywood.
stuart
									
Mmmmm.
elliott
									
Dream factory? More like—Nightmare Factory. [Dan laughs.] 
stuart
									
I mean, “Scream Factory” is right there on the table, Elliott.
elliott
									
Ohhhh you’re right! But they did make Scream—both the movies and the TV show, so people might be like, yeah, it’s a factory that makes Scream!
stuart
									
And I mean, it’s an actual company that relea—uh, distributes horror movies. But.
elliott
									
Yeah. That’s true. Okay. Dream factory? More like ice cream factory!
adal
									
There we go.
stuart
									
Okay, then.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Fits the character of the movie. Did Elliott answer your question, Dan? Elliott: Dan—back to—but—I think—I think Moose is—[Laughs.]
dan
									
No, I don’t—I’ve lost the thread of what’s going on.
elliott
									
Oh no. I—I think—I think Dan sees this as a—as an attack on Moose and I see it as Moose being the misguided hero and the stars—the star is the bad guy. But they’re both treated terribly by the movie—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And they’re both unlikeable. Dan: Well this thing that—
dan
									
I don’t understand where my sympathy is supposed to lie? And I’m not one of the people who, like… thinks that there has to necessarily be a sympathetic character in a story? But at the same time, I think the movie thinks there is one? And I disagree with the movie on that point. Uh…
elliott
									
Okay. That’s fair. So you would call it a good movie?
dan
									
Uh, I’m gonna go bad-bad. Eh, it’s… [sighs.] It’s really hard to get past, uh, the performance John Travolta is giving and the performance the movie has given John Travolta. Like, I think he’s doing as best he can with, like, a completely misguided… thing. Like... I don’t know. It just… it’s upsetting. To have… this person… who obviously is supposed to have developmental problems, like, go through all of these things. And like, this is the story that Fred Durst wanted to tell. If you can turn off the caring part of your brain? It’s kind of interesting to watch the movie just to see how misguided everything in it is?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
But I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that to anyone. So I guess I’ll go bad-bad.
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean, I’ll say it’s a bad-bad movie. Uh, I don’t think there’s much, uh, redeeming about it. Uh, I mean, like… Travolta throws himself into this role like he’s thrown himself into a couple other bad movie roles? Which I guess I appreciate that, like, he—he’s not—he’s not phoning it in! Although maybe there’s times when you kinda wish he was. So bad-bad.
adal
									
Um… I would say if the roles were reversed—if John Travolta played himself and Devon Sawa just played a stalker—this movie would be amazing.
stuart
									
Yeah!
adal
									
So I think—I think they—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Through laughter] That’s actually a pretty good insight. Adal: —they mis—miscast—yeah.
adal
									
Miscast. I think they tried to have Travolta play himself. He wanted to go for the Oscar. Took a huge swing—swung for the fences—threw his back out. Bad movie. But I do think it is Durst’s fault. I—it felt like every scene they had one take.
stuart
									
Yeah.
adal
									
And…
stuart
									
Do you think—do you think they didn’t cast it the other way around because they were worried that, uh, Devon Sawa would be too typecast, having played—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —Stan in the— Adal: Yeah. He’s like, I don’t wanna play the—
adal
									
—Stan again. And Travolta’s like, I don’t wanna play me again. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Yeah.
adal
									
If—if there’s a Cereal Man spinoff, I… will—anything that’s needed—
crosstalk
									
Adal: I will find that. I will watch that. Whatever’s possible. Stuart: You’re here for it. Yeah.
elliott
									
Guys? I understand all your objections to the movie—it being a bad-bad movie—and it is, uh, not pleasant movie? But, uh, to see John Travolta dressed as an English bobby doing a terrible English accent for no reason, and to have the characters in the movie talking about how great the band of the director is. I’m gonna have to call this… a problematic good-bad movie. [Multiple people laugh.] I think.
dan
									
Okay.
adal
									
There’s also a point where John Travolta literally says into the mirror—this is a bad script. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Yeah. That’s true.
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
promo
									
Music: Fun, cheerful, soft music. Benjamin Partridge: If you’re looking for a new comedy podcast, why not try The Beef And Dairy Network? It won Best Comedy at the British Podcast Awards in 2017 and 2018. Also, I— [Audio suddenly slows and cuts off.] Speaker 1: There were no horses in this country until the mid to late sixties. Speaker 2: Specialist Bovine Arsefat— Speaker 3: Both of his eyes are squids' eyes. Speaker 4: Yogurt buffet. Speaker 5: She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life. Speaker 6: Farm-raised snow leopard. [Strange electronic audio.] [Beginning audio returns] Benjamin: Download it today. That’s the Beef And Dairy Network podcast, from MaximumFun.org. Also, maybe start at episode one. Or weirdly, episode thirty-six, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show.
promo
									
Music: Dramatic organ/piano music. [Background noise throughout: a howling wolf and cawing crow. April speaks in a sinister voice.] April Wolfe: Hello there, ghouls and gals. It is I, April Wolfe. I'm here to take you through the twisty, sca-a-a-ry, heart-pounding world of genre cinema on the exhilarating program known as Switchblade Sisters. [Sinister echo on the title.] The concept is simple: I invite a female filmmaker on each week, and we discuss their favorite genre film. Listen in closely to hear past guests, like The Babadook director Jennifer Kent, Winter's Bone director Debra Granik, and so many others every Thursday on MaximumFun.org. Tune in! If you dare... [Thunder booms, something growls over April as she cackles evilly, and then all sound abruptly cuts.] April: [Rapidly] It's actually a very thought-provoking show that deeply explores the craft and philosophy behind the filmmaking process while also examining film through the lens of the female gaze. So, like, you should listen. [Same sinister echo effect] Switchblade Sisters!
dan
									
Uh, let’s do… our sponsors?
stuart
									
Oh.
adal
									
Hey!
elliott
									
Let’s do ‘em! Yeah! Let’s just do ‘em!
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Oh, man.
dan
									
They, uh, The Flop House is in large part funded by listeners like you and the Max Fun Drive is just around the corner, but—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Also, uh, our show is sponsored in part by Raycon. Our wireless world calls for wireless earbuds. Check out the wireless earbuds from Raycon! Raycon’s stylish and discreet earbuds start at about half the price of other premium wireless earbuds on the market, and they sound just as amazing as other top audio brands. And their latest model—E-25—is their best one yet with six hours of play time, seamless Bluetooth pairing, more bass, and a more compact design that gives ya a nice, noise-isolating fit. The company was co-founded by Ray J. and celebrities like Cardi B are obsessed with Raycons! Pick up a pair and see what all the hype is about. Guys?
stuart
									
Yep.
dan
									
I was dubious about wireless headphones for reasons I probably shouldn’t get into ‘cause, uh, they wouldn’t want me to, uh provide possible negatives.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
But I’m—I’m saying that the possible negatives? Haven’t had any of ‘em with these earbuds! I’ve had a great time with them. Uh, they come with a little charging case. You can carry around. With. Uh. You tap on your, uh, your old ear and it stops the podcast you’re listening to when you have to get your phone out?
crosstalk
									
Dan: You can, uh— Adal: What if you rub on your ear and then smell it?
dan
									
You can do that if you like. It’s—I mean, you can do that without Raycons. You can do ‘em with Raycons.
stuart 
									
But the Raycons don’t negatively affect—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —your use of smellingsticks. Dan: No, they don’t negative—
dan
									
The ear-smelling is still—
adal
									
Thank you.
dan
									
A thing you can do. I don’t know. I just, uh, I’ve… appreciated being able to walk around and not get my wire caught on, say, a cabinet drawer! As has happened several times.
elliott
									
Considering wires in my life—my headphone wires are constantly getting caught on everything. On… the dishwasher. Cabinets. Doors. Children. Small animals. Car doors. All sorts of things. Uh…
crosstalk
									
Elliott: We live in a wireless world. It’s—what? Stuart: Spikes.
stuart
									
You get it caught on spikes. Hooks.
adal
									
Angels. Buffys.
stuart 
									
Hellraiser heads.
adal
									
Xanders. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
All the characters.
stuart
									
Willows.
elliott
									
Yeah. [Multiple people laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s—it’s—uh— Stuart: Gileses. [Multiple people laugh.] Dan: Anyas. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
I think it’s—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I think it’s easy to— Dan: Drazillas.
elliott
									
—underestimate—it’s easy to underestimate how much nicer things are when you don’t have to worry about wires. Until you get to that point. It’s like—eh, this wire is fine! And then you live without a wire and you’re like, oh, this is much better.
crosstalk
									
All: Mm-hm.
dan
									
So now is the time to get the latest and greatest from Raycon. Get 15% off your order at BuyRaycon.com/flop! That’s BuyRaycon.com/flop for 15% off Raycon wireless earbuds. Earbuds. Uh, I’m gonna say buy—
elliott
									
Or earbods! [Dan laughs.] Your whole body is an ear! Yeah!
dan
									
I’m gonna say—

									
Oh, man!
crosstalk
									
Dan: The, uh, Raycon for the easiest— Stuart: Ultimate fantasy! Adal: Best John Mayer song.
dan
									
The Raycon— [Elliott laughs.] —for the ease of getting to BuyRaycon.com is spelled R-A-Y-C-O-N. That’s “ray” like a—the rays of the sun and “con” as in con artist.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
When we were just—
elliott
									
Alright. Uh, again, Dan, maybe you wanna pick a different…
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Con as in… Elliott: —word for con.
dan
									
Uh, “against.”
stuart
									
Uh—[Laughs.] Wait. Nope. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Okay. Um—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: maybe there’s a better… Dan: I mean, “con” is a negative prefix.
dan
									
There’s no good way of saying that.
adal
									
ConAir is a good movie.
crosstalk
									
Dan: ConAir. Yeah. Stuart: ConAir is a good movie.  Con— Confidante. Confidential. Elliott: Contract? You need a contract! Yeah. It’s great. Adal: Contact with Jodi Foster. Dan: L.A. Confidential.
stuart
									
Uh…
elliott
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Uh, we have a Jumbotron! I believe I get—gave that to Elliott. So, Elliott, take it away!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: You did indeed! Adal: Sorry, you gave it to Abs Jumbo?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Gave it to Abs Jumob.
adal
									
Jumbotron.
elliott
									
Abs Jumbo! Uh, Pecs McGillicuddy. Uh—
stuart
									
[Deep announcer’s voice] J-J-J-, J-J-J-Jumbotron!
elliott
									
Thank you. As—if—the only thing more jumbo than this is me! So. Who is this message for? It’s for Tam Tran. And the message is from Chris Morrigan. And it says: To my friend Tam Tran, may you find mortgage payments just as enriching as the freedom to travel and eat out under rent control. Don’t forget to register to vote! At the new address. And let me know if you ever need to borrow my ladder. Chris Morgan, Oakland, California.
stuart
									
Oh, that’s a nice message!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: That’s a nice message. Yeah. It’s a nice message. Dan: That’s nice. Stuart: And there’s a couple of, like—
stuart
									
Like, uh, things to remember in there!
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Like an offer for a ladder.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
A couple reminders about things. Hey, Dan! You know what else we got coming up? A live show! Ohhhhh! Okay. So.
stuart
									
See, Adal, sometimes we don’t just record a podcast in Dan’s living room and in Elliott’s, uh, closet? We sometimes record them in front of a live audience.
adal
									
How does that go?
stuart
									
So… uh, well, not well! But—[Laughs.]
adal
									
And can people scream at you, or…? [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh, it’s—almost exclusively!
elliott
									
I mean, they—they can and they do. So on Saturday, April 18th, 2020—only three days after tax day in America! But hey, that doesn’t matter ‘cause we’re not gonna be in the United States! We’re gonna be in Toronto, Canada! That’s right—we’re returning to Toronto in the Royal Cinema as part of the What the Film Festival. As has been told to me recently, we will be steps away from the setting of Little Italy, the movie we watched and did a podcast of recently. So—see if the Flop House boys are gonna get the shit kicked out of them. Saturday, April 18th, 2020! In Toronto! As part of the What the Film Festival. Now, we’re not fully sure what movie we’re gonna watch but it’s gonna be a smaller, weirder movie. Because it’s part of the What the Film Festival. So—
stuart
									
And Dan, you were saying you, uh, have been practicing some kind of special dance for the thing that people can only see to believe?
dan
									
[Laughs.] Uh-huh. [Elliott laughs.] It’s sort of like if you can blo—‘k. If you can blind—if you combined, uh, sort of a floss and a Charleston at the same time?
stuart
									
Uh, I’m picturing it and… oop! Nope! I’m dead. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] See?
elliott
									
So some sort of floralsten. Okay. Interesting! Well, you’ll see that Saturday, April 18th. We will be doing more live shows in the year but we don’t have any scheduled yet. So if you’re in the Toronto general area or even, y’know, in upstate New York—come on and see this show! ‘Cause I don’t know for sure when we’re gonna be back around there.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Another thing— Stuart: Yeah! If your—if your family is—
stuart
									
Maybe visiting, uh, Niagara Falls? Why don’t you, uh, why don’t you extend that little vacay and come see us?
elliott
									
Yeah! Slowly turn step-by-step and come see us at the Royal Cinema in Toronto! [Multiple people laugh.] Now, another thing I’d like to, uh, promote is… a exciting Max Fun product—or should I say, Maximum Fun product? Because— [Someone laughs.] I, Podius is finally here! That’s right—I, Podius, my podcast with John Hodgman where we are recapping and discussing the British miniseries I, Claudius from 197…6? I Think it was? 1970—yeah. It was in the ‘70s. Uh, anyway. Uh, I, Claudius—we are talking about it. Recapping it. BY the end of the series if oudn myself really moved by the conversations I was having with Hodgman about it, but we’re also funny. Uh, you’ll hear from our producer Jordan Kauwling, also, who works with us on The Flop House. Uh, and a number of guest stars. Uh, John Hodgman talked to Sir Patrick Stewart during it; uh, I talked to, uh, Patricia Quinn who’s one of the stars of the series. And we got a lot of other celebrity cameos. And so—I, Podius! It’s on all your podcast places right now! The first episode’s out. By the time this episode is released, the second episode will be out! And who knows how many more? So I Podius, from Maximum Fun.
dan
									
I wanna tell everyone—y’know, uh, Audrey and I watched the first two episodes of I—I, Claudius, which were released as one episode in the US. Uh, watched those. And then we, uh, put the I, Podius on the big, uh, speaker. We Bluetoothed it over to the speaker, listened while we were doing chores around the house. A delightful Saturday. So much fun. Just to…
elliott
									
Thank you very much!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Just a delight. Stuart: So are you recommending—
stuart
									
Uh, his podcast or Saturdays?
adal
									
Or Bluetooth?
dan
									
I’m—all of it! All of it’s great. Um… so we should move on, though, to, uh… letters from listeners!
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Listeners like you. Elliott: Now, guys, before—
dan
									
Sorry?
elliott
									
Before we start the letters—I—normally I have a song, uh, during this section. Where I sing about letters. Of course, as I mentioned at the top I have a cough. My throat is not feeling so great. So I feel like I shouldn’t… do a song for the letters section today.
dan
									
Uh, I—
crosstalk
									
Adal: Aw, boo! Can you do a limerick or something? Dan: Okay.
elliott
									
Luckily—luckily—luckily, my old friend Randy Newman happens to be here. [Stuart laughs.] And he said he’d sing one, so take it away, Randy! [Singing in imitation Randy Newman voice] You know, sometimes letters they got something to say. So they sent the letters to be on The Flop House. And you got a friend in me. Oh yeah!
adal
									
Uh, sorry. Randy. While we have you here—how much of Three Amigos did you write?
elliott
									
[Singing again] Well, I’ll tell ya—a fair amount! [Multiple people laugh.] Three Amigos—worked on it hard! ‘Cause you got a friend in Randy Newman. [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Okay. Well.
stuart
									
And, uh, Randy—what about that collaboration you’re doing with Gary Newman?
elliott
									
[Singing] He’s gonna sing about cars! I’ll sing about L.A.! We’re guys whose names are Newman in a major way. ‘Cause you got a friend in me. [Multiple people laugh.]
adal
									
And I’m so sorry. You’re holding up a sign that said you wanted to say a brief something about Paul Newman passing? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
[Singing] I’m sad every day that we lost that great actor! Now we still have his salad dressing to remember him by. ‘Cause he had a friend in me!
adal
									
And you wanted to audition for Away Night’s role of Newman? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
[Singing] Jerry! [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Why is—do you, uh, are you—sorry. Randy. Real quick. Are you jealous—
elliott
									
Yeah?
stuart
									
Are you jealous that John Goodman’s named John Good-man and your’e only New-man? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
[Singing] Being good’s good; but I like being new!
adal
									
And Randy—
elliott
									
[Singing] And I’m gonna tell this to you. That you got a friend in me!
adal
									
And Randy, what words do you want to hear from God when you enter heaven? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
[Singing] That he forgives me for that stuff that I did. [Multiple people laugh.] And also—he’s got a friend in me!
adal
									
[Through laughter] This is inside the Newman studio. We want to thank our guest, Randy Newman.
dan
									
Okay. So…
elliott
									
[Singing] You know that was real fun! Being on a podcast! But every time… feels like the last. But then you got a friend in me!
dan
									
Okay. Well this first letter… [Stuart is still laughing.] Thank you, Randy. This first letter—
elliott
									
[Randy Newman voice] You’re welcome, Dan! [Adal laughs. Stuart joins in.]
dan
									
I kind of feel insulted that I’m not [through laughter] Randy Newman’s friend! Like, it seemed like every other person—
crosstalk
									
Adal: Got a friend in me! Dan: Got a friend in him, but.
elliott
									
[Randy Newman voice] I’m sorry, Dan! I thought that went without saying! But I guess our friendship needs to be reinforced by words. [[Multiple people laugh.] ‘Cause you got a friend in me!
dan
									
Thank you, Randy. That’s all I needed to hear.
elliott
									
[Singing] You know why? It cheapens our friendship that I gotta keep telling you that we’re friends and you don’t just feel it inside. ‘Cause youuuu got a friend in me.
adal
									
And how do you feel about LA? You hate it or you…
elliott
									
[Singing] I’m ambivalent about LA! [Multiple people laugh.]
dan 
									
Oh, wow.
crosstalk
									
Adal: Bump. Set. Pop the ball. Dan: Thanks. I mean, y’know—
dan
									
People’s opinions change over the years. Okay. Uh, so this first letter is—
elliott
									
I mean, Randy Newman—no offense, Randy—he is an old man by this point. He is no longer a new man. So he changes, y’know.
elliott
									
Yeah. This first letter is from Bran, last name withheld. “I was recently listening to an episode where you were talking about movie universes you’d like to live in.”
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
“I believe Dan’s was The Shire, pre-Lord of the Rings drama. So my question is, if you had to pick a movie universe that would be your personal nightmare to live in, what would it be and why? Stay floppy! Bran, last name withheld.”
stuart
									
Hmmmm.
dan
									
I wanna say—this is—this is kind of general. This is not a specific movie universe. But… any of those futuristic movie universes where you eat your meals in pill form?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
I would not like to be in. ‘Cause I’m always watching that and like, yeah. Okay. Science has decided to take one of the great pleasures of life—which is eating—and eliminate it. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Does not make sense to me! Like, science—work on something—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —better. Stuart: And you’re also like—
stuart
									
You’re also like—think about all the people who work in the cutlery industry that are now out of work!
dan
									
Mm-hm. [Someone laughs.] Yeah.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. Yeah. Very good point. Very good point. A foundation of the economy. Uh… so that’d be your nightmare, Dan?
dan
									
Yeah. I mean, as a person who enjoys to cook and enjoys to eat very much, yeah. Like, I would not want to live in that—that universe.
elliott
									
Yeah. I can understand that. Uh, I think—probably for me, obviously goes without saying any universe where the earth has been overrun by monsters or serial killers. That would be a real nightmare.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And also prob— Stuart: Yeah. Like a—like a purge?
stuart
									
Like getting caught in a purge?
elliott
									
I don’t want—I do not want to be in a purge and I don’t want a purge. But I’ll probably also like the Judd Apatow universe. Sure.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Okay. Yeah. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
And—oh—interesting—fun fact. In, uh, researching movie universes for this question, I found out that on Wikipedia, Reboot is considered to be in the same universe as the Money for Nothing video? Which I had never thought about and I’m wondering where’s that crossover, huh?
stuart
									
Yeah. You wanna amend your answer for what, uh, universe you want to live in. Right?
elliott 
									
Yeah. Exact—I wanna live in that blocky computer-animated Money for Nothing video where you get two great choices—you can either play the guitar and get chicks for free, or you can install microwave ovens!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: They’re both cool jobs. Stuart: Yeah. I mean, I feel like—
stuart
									
—the exact lyrics of that song might, uh, be best not, y’know, carefully examined. But—
elliott
									
No, no. There’s—there’s certainly, uh, one line in that song that—even though it’s in the voice of a character—is still something I would not say. But—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It’s—it’s more harsh than you would like. Elliott: Hey! Look.
elliott
									
Yes. Exactly. But that’s just a blue-collar working man watching MTV, y’know? Even though—as said in the beginning—he wants his MTV! But is that a different character? In the video it’s one of those guys, but in the song maybe it’s a different character? I don’t know. Dan, what do you think?
dan
									
I don’t know.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Dan—I think Dan was checking his phone. Adal, is there a movie universe— Elliott: Yeah. ‘Cause you were texting. Yeah. Dan: Well, why do you—
dan
									
Why do you feel the need to—like—you, who are so interested in— [Elliott laughs.] —maintaining the professionalism of the podcast, did not need to call me out at the one time I was—
elliott
									
Dan, has it ever occurred to you that I am more likely to call you out when I see you going to your phone? But Adal, yeah. Do you have a movie universe you would not want to live in?
adal
									
I gotta say, based on my personal preferences—the back to—uh, Back to the Future 2 universe—
elliott
									
They should’ve called it “Back to the Two-ture.” You’re right.
adal
									
[Through laughter] Two-niverse. [Multiple people laugh.]
adal
									
Mama—Mama Three-a is what they should call the— [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Adal: The third Mamma Mia. Mamma Three-a. Elliott: [Through laughter]  Mamma Three-a.
adal
									
They should make it just for that. Um, specifically just because in Back to the Future 2, they… uh… wear two ties? Instead of one tie. Everyone wears two ties? I hate wearing ties so I feel like just based on that alone, if I go to a funeral, a wedding, I would not wanna wear two ties. I feel like that would be highly uncomfortable.
elliott
									
So not the fact that they’re living in the Biff-verse, where—
adal
									
No. I love that.
elliott
									
Where a—where a kind of asshole millionaire has taken over America. Since we do live in that universe now. It’s just the two ties thing that bothers you.
adal
									
Just the two tie things. And being fired over facts is pretty brutal.
elliott
									
That’s pretty brutal. And also, that—that dehydrated pizza probably can’t be very good. Right?
adal
									
No. Not at all.
stuart
									
I don’t know. Isn’t it, like, Pizza Hutt brand? Right?
elliott
									
You’re right. So it’s great. So it’s amazing. [Multiple people laugh.] Pizza so good you could only serve it out of a hut! [Multiple people laugh.] They’re like, should we call our new restaurant “Pizza Palace?”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh, let’s not promise too much. It’s a hut. Stuart: It’s a shack?
elliott
									
Pizza Shack? People are gonna think they’re gonna buy radios there! Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Great.
stuart
									
Uh, yeah. I would probably say, uh… I would probably say some kind of, like, dystopia. Right? Like, uh… the Alexander Payne movie universe? [Elliott laughs.]
adal
									
Sideways? [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Like, Sideways or About Schmidt. [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh, although, I mean I guess I’d like to— Elliott: Yeah. Sure. The Descendants? Oh, boy!
stuart
									
I guess I’d like to spend the rest of my years with June Squibb. She’s really great. [Multiple people laugh.] So—man! I guess… I don’t know! I mean, I guess sometimes, y’know, the perfect kind of hell is one that has, uh, y’know, like, perfect cage has beautiful bars, you know what I mean?
dan
									
Yeah. [Multiple people laugh.] Uh, so, this, uh, second and final letter is from Zach, last name withheld.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Zach Braff. Sure. Star of Alex…MD? What was the name of that show? Alex, Inc.? Dan: Who says… Stuart: It’s Alex, Incorporated.
stuart
									
Alex, MD would be a doctor. Not a podcaster. [Multiple people laugh.] Although theoretically it could be a health podcast.
dan
									
“Uh, hey, Floppers! I’ve been jumping around to random episodes in your back catalog. I gave Episode 270—Interview with a Vampire—a listen yesterday. In that one, Elliott asks for advice about what to tell his kids about Santa. Elliott, you should definitely do what my mom did for me. The last winter before I started elementary school and was therefore about to be around kids who believed in Santa, my mom wanted me to be prepared, but to not ruin it for others. First she explained what other kids believed about Santa. Coming to almost every house; going down chimneys with gifts; etcetera. She then explained the origins of Santa Claus—how he was based on a real person, St. Nicholas—but that he lived and died a long time ago and so it not coming down people’s chimneys bringing them gifts. It w—"
stuart
									
And you’re saying “gifts,” not “gifs” the animated— [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Gifts.
stuart
									
Okay. Animated image. Okay.
dan
									
It was instead parents who got all the gifts for their children. It was  a very sensitive, well-thought-out explanation that answered all of my questions and set me up to be a well-functioning member of a society that likes lying to other kids.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
The next time we went to a grocery store, the clerk checking us out asked us—so what is Santa getting you for Christmas? Without missing a beat, and remembering my training, I answered—oh, nothing. My mom told me Santa was dead. [Multiple people laugh.] So okay. Now that I’ve given you some invaluable advice, I was hoping you could return the favor. I’m scheduled to get—be getting a vasectomy soon! After the surgery, I’ll be sitting on the couch for a couple of days watching movies. I want some titles that fit the theme so I’ve got Castle Freak and Antichrist cued up. There’s also a Lorena Bobbitt miniseries. I’ve got a couple of days to fill up, though. Help me, Floppers! Your’e my only hope! Yours in Flopitude, Zach, last name withheld. Now I think—
stuart
									
Right off the top of my dome I’m gonna say there’s that great scene in RoboCop where he shoots the bad guy in the dick. [Multiple people laugh.] There’s also Hot Dog—there’s Hot Dog: The Movie. [Laughs.]
adal
									
Oh, can—can Cinema Boy get in here?
stuart
									
Cinema—yeah. Please.
adal
									
I gotta say, uh, if you’re getting a vasectomy, first movie you should watch—Damen Wayne’s Blank Man.
dan
									
Okay. I was gonna say— [Multiple people laugh.] Street Trash. There’s a scene in Street Trash where they play keep-away with a severed penis.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Uh, let’s not forget that both in Piranha 3D there is a close-up of a severed penis that has just been bitten off of, uh, Jeremy O’Connell.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And that in Snake [inaudible] – sorry, Jerry O’Connell. Jerry O’Connell. Jeremy O’Connell was his, uh, dad, maybe? Stuart: Jeremy—Jeremy O’Connell’s—[inaudible].
elliott
									
I don’t know. And that in, uh, and that in Snakes on a Plane, a snake does bite a man’s dick and it leads to the immortal line: Ah! Get off my dick.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Doesn’t the piranha, like, also kind of like barf up the penis?
stuart
									
Oh no.
elliott
									
Yeah. He bites it off, and then he spits it—he like throws it up in front of the camera. Because that’s—and why that movie wasn’t nominated for Best Picture, I don’t know.
dan
									
Yeah. The movie that famously we went to see on the day of your wedding. [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yup! It was a great day. Um… I wanna say two things off this letter. One—uh, it—the letter-writer will be happy to know that we have talked to my son about Santa Claus and we did something similar. We were like—hey, this is the truth. But other kids like it, so don’t say things about it. One time we were walking to school, he saw—it was like a deflated Santa that had—uh, in front of someone’s lawn? And he was like, oh, I guess Santa died! [Multiple people laugh.] Nd I was like, no, no. That’s just a deflated—and then he goes, dad, why do they believe in Santa since he’s not real, like God? And I was like, okay. This is a bigger conversation. [Multiple people laugh.] Hold on a second. Um… and on—the other thing I want to say is, uh, his vasectomy story reminds me of when I had a, uh, kidney stone. And I was just sitting at home watching movies ‘cause I was in such pain. And I watched From Beyond and I was like, this movie really gets how I’m feeling right now. ‘Cause it was like—goopy and people’s bodies were getting destroyed. I was like, ugh, finally. Someone’s telling my story.
stuart
									
Yeah. Kind of like a Farewell to the Flesh type moment.
elliott
									
Exactly. Oh, I wish I could’ve said Farewell to the Flesh.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
adal
									
Probably watched Romancing the Stone, as well?
elliott
									
Oh, yeah! I watched all stone movies. Uh, Romancing the Stone—
adal
									
Gimme Shelter.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Movies with Sharon Stone. Yeah. [Through laughter] Rolling Stones. Yeah. Yeah. Stuart: The Family Stone?
elliott
									
The— [Through laughter] The Family Stone, yeah. All that stuff. Yeah.
dan
									
Uh, so this is the point in the, uh, podcast where we recommend movies. Movies that, uh, we actually enjoyed.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Movies you should see probably instead of The Fanatic.
stuart
									
I’m gonna say—I’m just gonna go out—this is a guess. I don’t know what you guys were all gonna recommend. But I’m gonna say definitely instead of The Fanatic.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Alright. Um, I guess I’ll kick it off, uh… there’s a movie I watched recently, uh, I think it was on Shudder that I saw it? It was called Strange Behavior. Uh, aka, Dead Kids? Is the other, uh, name for that movie. And, uh… it was directed by Michael Laughlin and it was written by, uh, Bill Conden and Michael Laughlin. Bill Conden you might know went on to do Gods and Monsters, Chicago. Other stuff. Um… and it’s a—an Aussie horror film. Uh, you know I like my Aus-ploitation.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. I do know that. Dan: And it’s—it’s, uh—
dan
									
Kind of a mashup of the serial killer—or slasher, rather—and um, and mad scientist genres? Where there are… scientists in this small town, uh, performing mysterious experiments, uh, that, uh… are doing—lead to killings, let’s say. I don’t want to spoil too much of the film. But uh, y’know, it’s—I don’t want to oversell it? But if you have, like, a fondness for… um… y’know, B movies from the ‘80s that are made with a little more craft than they needed to be made with? And there’s, uh, then this is for you. There’s some very creative, uh, filming and staging of some of the suspense sequences. So Strange Behavior is my recommendation. Anyone else?
stuart
									
Uh, yeah! Uh, I—[clears throat]. I just uh… did some traveling. Y’know. Uh… went down to Florida to visit my folks and I watched some movies on my trip. I have a tendency to watch movies, uh, on planes that have an accidentally large amount of nudity. [Someone chuckles.] Uh, that’s always fun. I like getting—
elliott
									
Classic bit!
stuart
									
I like it when random guys slap me in the arm and give me a thumbs-up while I’m trying to hunch over— [Multiple people laugh.] —my laptop to prevent anyone from seeing, uh—
adal
									
That you’re watching Irreversible?
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. To keep people from seeing all my shame. Uh, like the movie Shame! Um, uh, but this time I made a point not to watch it on a plane. I watched the movie I Am Love. Uh, directed by Luca Guadagnino, uh, who… is… probably one of my favorite, uh, directors working right now. Um, this is one of his earlier films. Uh, starring Tilda Swinton? And… it’s about a young woman—well, a mother—a mother of three who, uh, has, uh, Russian woman who’s married into an Italian, uh, a wealthy Italian family. And the family’s both dealing with business changes and also, uh, some turbulent personal things. And like a lot of his movies, it’s basically like a lush feast of a movie. Um, it’s beautiful. It’s very physical. Uh, it’s got a, uh… let’s say very present score. Um, and some really great performances from Tilda Swinton and the rest of the cast. I found it beautiful and moving.
adal
									
Uh, I’d like to—Cinema Boy would like to recommend—I’m sure—this might’ve been recommended before. I didn’t get a chance to look through your whole back catalog, but, um… I’m going to Japan in a few weeks? And I’m gonna go to the Ghibli museum? Ghibli [pronounces is “Giblee”]? Ghibli [pronounces it “Jeeblee”]? And I watched Grave of the Fireflies?
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
elliott
									
Oh.
adal
									
And—oh, don’t watch this if you’re having a bad day. But— [Multiple people laugh.] —if you’re bulletproof—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: But if you’re having a good day, that’s the time to watch it! Adal: That’s a way to ruin it!
adal
									
Um, it is… beautiful. Uh, it’s—it’s, um—so, so sad, but it’s uh, it’s set during WWII in Japan. It’s about a… um, young boy and his kid sister who kind of lose everything and have to fend for themselves and the trials and tribulations they go through. The voice acting is incredible. Uh, subs over dubs, always. Um, and it’s just beautifully done! And it’s a very—it’s a very incredible, uh, touching incredible story.
stuart
									
Have you watched any, uh… I—I remember when I—I bought like the DVD years ago and there was some supplementary materials where they were like talking to the director and the—the author of the story. And… his takeaway was so much different than my takeaway. He was like, shocked that people felt sympathy for the characters. What, he’s like—clearly what they were doing was wrong! [Laughs.] And I’m like, what is happening? [Multiple people laugh.] Oh, man. What a good movie.
elliott
									
Uh, the—uh—that’s a great segue for my movie, which is also a difficult-to-watch film about WWII! But this time, in the European theater. I recently saw the movie Come and See, uh, which is a… Russian—or you could say Belarusian—movie from 1985 about a young man who is—lives in a village in Belarus and decides against his mother’s wishes to join the Soviet-y partisans or—I guess—I guess they’re Soviet. The partisans fighting the Nazis. And finds that the war is… so much more horrifying than he thought it would be? And it is… it’s a really, like, amazingly powerful—but also, like, difficult-to-watch—movie. But it goes to a place at the end that I found, like… i—like—there were certain points where I’m like, yeah. War is terrible. Like, I understand. And it’s really hitting you hard. But the way they do certain things and the way—where the movies goes to at the end is very… surprising. And… strange and something that I did not expect or see coming but which really moved me in the end. I was very—I mentioned “moved” earlier about I, Podius. I was also moved watching this! But it’s a movie to watch, like, with a… knowing that you’re gonna watch something, uh, that’s gonna make you uncomfortable and it—not happy.
stuart
									
So yeah. Just pop up a big bucket of popcorn— [Multiple people laugh.]
adal
									
Eat some B12.
elliott
									
Get the family together. It’s a great first date movie. Um… and just be ready for, uh, an incredibly powerful, uh, terror! That’s Come and See.
dan
									
Okay. So… uh… that’s our show! Guys. Uh, thank you to our guest for being here. Do you wanna thank our guest, Stuart?
stuart
									
Yeah, absolutely! Uh, thanks so much for joining us, Adal. Uh…
crosstalk
									
Adal: Use my real name. Cinema Boy. Stuart: Uh, Cinema Boy. I’m so sorry. Cinema Boy, thank you for joining us.. Elliott: Cinema Boy.
elliott 
									
Uh, and remind us again—where can we find you, outside of this podcast, Cinema Boy?
adal
									
Yeah! You can find me on the podcast, uh, How’s It Going From the Magic Tavern, and— [All laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] How’s It Going From the Magic Tavern.
adal
									
And, uh, Hey Riddle Riddle, which is a new podcast I do. Um, and—
stuart
									
Goog—uh, if—I think if you just google “funniest podcast,” right?
adal
									
Famously, yes. Absolutely. That—[Laughs.] That’s how Rachel Bloom found us. Um… but yeah! Check those out. Hey, uh, Hey Riddle Riddle and Hello From the Magic Tavern. And you can find me on Twitter @AdalRifai. Spelled how it sounds!
dan
									
Um….
stuart
									
Great! We’re, uh, our show is on the Maximum Fun Podcast network? Home to many great podcasts. Um, go out and check it out. Comedy and culture. Yada, yada.
dan
									
Yup. Yada, yada. [Multiple people laugh.] Uh—tweet about us. Uh, greet about us. Fleet about us.
elliott
									
Uh, give us—give us good reviews on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts from. Uh, and thank you very much for listening. Uh—this—
adal
									
And Randy—Randy, where can we find you? Do you have anything ot plug?
elliott
									
[Randy Newman voice] Well, I’m all sorts of places like Pixar movies! Or maybe you just see me down at a diner. [Multiple people laugh.] Probably ordering a side of fries! That’s enough for me! I don’t need a full meal! I had a big breakfast! [Multiple people laugh.] But you know, guys—it’s interesting to say… sometimes when you singing, the words get in your way. And you just gotta go like this:
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [nonsense sounds similar to, but not quite, scatting] Adal: Careful. Careful, Randy. Careful. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
You got a friend in me!
adal
									
Yeah. Stuck the landing.
stuart
									
Bravo. [Multiple people laugh.]
adal 
									
Alright. Well…
elliott
									
I’ll say this, uh, this episode was created with the help of Jordan Kauwling from, uh, Maximum Fun. And, um… Dan, is there anything else we have to—we—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: We’d like to say or have to say? I don’t think so. That’s it, right? Stuart: Any Flop House housekeeping?
dan
									
Nope, that’s it!
stuart
									
Okay.
elliott
									
Set—uh, send us a letter if you want and, uh, maybe Randy Newman will sing about it sometime! [Dan laughs.] [Singing] Well I don’t make promises—I’m a busy guy! I just happened to stop by. Uh, today. [Multiple people laugh.]
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
[Randy Newman voice] Oh no! I rhymed in the middle instead of at the end! [Laughs.] Yeah. Sorry, Randy.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
adal
									
Guys, I just realized—in that drawing at the end, when John Travolta has the eyepatch and the hook and he grows wings—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
adal
									
He turns into the angel Michael!
elliott
									
Ohhhh, and so it’s a prequel to Michael!
crosstalk
									
Adal: Mm-hm. Stuart: That makes a lot of sense. It sounds like a real… phenomenon. Dan: The Travolta-verse. Elliott: Oh, wow. [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Broken Arrow. Alright, guys. See ya next time! Bye!
elliott
									
When we’ll be staying alive! Bye!
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
elliott
									
And… Oscar Isaac is Duke Leto Atreides.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Zendaya is Chani.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
adal
									
And Michi.
elliott
									
But it doesn’t say— [Stuart laughs.] —who’s gonna play Feyd-Rautha!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Surprising. Stuart: Definitely—yeah. Definitely Nietzsche still.
music
									
Music finishes.
speaker 1
									
MaximumFun.org.
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
—Audience supported.
About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.
Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.