TRANSCRIPT Ep. 299: The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes

Transcript

dan mccoy
									
On this episode we discuss: The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes!
elliott kalan
									
Or as it’s known on the East Coast: The Computer Wore Sneakers!
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
dan
									
Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flop House! I’m Dan McCoy.
stuart wellington
									
Wow! It’s me—Stuart Wellington!
elliott
									
And over here, in [deliberately mispronouncing for comic effect] Los An-guh-lees (Angeles) California, home of Hollyweird where they make the movies and sometimes a lot of TV shows too and occasionally theater, but… surprisingly the theater scene is not what you think it would be in a town so full of writers and actors and directors.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Uh—it’s something—I mean, that I’m kinda surprised by but in a lot of ways it makes sense because people here are more trained for screen acting than stage acting. It’s Elliott Kalan!
dan
									
Oh, I—I—that went on for so long I didn’t realize you hadn’t actually said your name yet.
stuart
									
Yeah. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Nope!
dan
									
Yeah. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Not yet! But now I have and it’s Elliott Kalan! That’s me! Goodnight, everybody!
stuart
									
Oh, okay! Uh… well, I guess Elliott’s gone. I guess it’s just you and me, Dan.
dan
									
Uh…
stuart
									
Uh—one of us—when one of us goes, the other reaps the whole tontine! [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Um, so guys. This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.
elliott
									
And now Da—Dan, do you usually sound like you’re on the verge of death on this show?
dan
									
No, I—well—I actually often do, but— [Elliott laughs.] —in this case a little more so ‘cause I got a cold right before Thanksgiving. I did a lot of Thanksgiving traveling, and—
stuart
									
Yep.
dan
									
I think even though I was on the mend, that pushed me back down the hill.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And I woke up this morning sounding like this. So.
stuart
									
So—this is one of those things where you’re like… if I’m gonna die, I’m gonna record a sweet podcast before I go. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Please. [Elliott laughs.] Carve The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes on my gravestone. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Cool!
elliott
									
[Strained voice] My only—my only regret is I didn’t tell the world what I thought about a young Kurt Russell! [All laugh.] That’s what you would say on your deathbed.
dan
									
Yeah. Well—let—let’s explain—
stuart
									
Handsome! Big surprise!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: He’s a handsome guy! Dan: Let’s— [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Let’s explain a little bit. Uh—
elliott
									
This is—this is back when Captain Ron was just an ensign.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. [Laughs.] Dan: Yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
dan
									
You’ll be like—you—the audience remembers, like, The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes? That little-seen, uh, Disney live action movie from the early ‘70s?
stuart
									
That spawned multiple sequels, right?
dan
									
Two sequels!
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
And—and we are like—yeah! It’s impressive that you actually know what that is, listener!
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
But we’re doing it because—now, listen. Don’t take this as an endorsement of Disney+. Take it as what it is—us shamelessly trying to capitalize on the reflected glory that is Disney+.
stuart
									
Oh, okay.
crosstalk
									
Dan: It’s been in the news— Stuart: Elliott, what do you think, uh—
stuart
									
You think Disney+ is going to, uh, if people like google search Disney+ they’re like— [Elliott laughs.] “What’s everybody talking about?”
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. They’ll be like— Elliott: Yeah, you get— Stuart: They might—
stuart
									
—get a link to our podcast! [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
I was gonna say—people who search for Disney+ also search for The Flop House: The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes.
dan
									
This’ll be the 182nd link that Google pulls up.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Yep.
dan
									
Uh… maybe, y’know if you t—if you do that “I Feel Lucky” button it’ll come up. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. Maybe—maybe this is just us trying to placate our world entertainment zybots who, uh, overlords that will—I’m sure—soon absorb all media.
dan
									
Could be, but… y’know, I just thought it’d be kind of fun to, uh, do something different and that’s, uh, that’s this! Y’know? [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Actually, Dan—I’ve—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] It is different!
elliott
									
Dan, have you ever tried to goose the Google search for this show a little bit? Like, you could rename an episode like The Flop House: Disney+ Trump Boobs… uh…
dan
									
Uh-huh.
stuart
									
Maclunky?
dan
									
Elliott Kalan feet?
elliott
									
Yeah, Elliott Kalan feet, yeah. Uh… yeah, if you just put anyone’s feet in there and that’ll do it.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Dan: Yeah.
elliott
									
‘Cause otherwise they’ll think it’s “feet”-uring Elliot Kalan, which I’ve done on many hip-hop tracks, but—
dan
									
Uh-huh. Sure.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
—it’s not my actual feet. ‘Cause I don’t sing through them.
stuart
									
Mm? You don’t sing through your feet? Or you don’t sing through the tracks that you’re on?
dan
									
I mean—
elliott
									
Oh, I sing through the tracks that I’m on.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: That’s why I get hired for so many. Dan: Oh, wow. Elliott: But I don’t sing through my feet. Stuart: Oh yeah, ‘cause—
stuart
									
—you do—you do like a high melody part, right?
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah!
stuart
									
You don’t do, like, a rap?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Well, but the letters— Elliott: [Through laughter] No, no, no. Mine—
elliott
									
No, mine—I’ll—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I’m the one [inaudible]. Stuart: You’re like The Weeknd?
elliott
									
When it slows down a little bit and I—and it’s gotta be soulful. That’s when I come in. Not the rap part.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, cool. Elliott: I can’t do that. That’s too difficult. Dan: Oh.
dan
									
Oh, I was gonna say, because your letters songs have a lot of internal rhymes.
crosstalk
									
Stuart and Elliott: Mm-hm.
dan
									
Like—like—much of modern rap. You know, like they—the—the—not so much just rhymes at the end of the—the line, but he—he—he mixes it up.
stuart
									
Is this—are you—are you, uh, doing a little pitch to do some kind of a hip-hop podcast [though laughter] with Jesse Thorn now? [All laugh.]
dan
									
That’s right. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah, it’s gonna be called Jesse, I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: With Jesse and Elliott. Dan: Yeah, that would be great.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Um—
elliott
									
So, Dan. So—this is all a very, uh… scheming, conniving, shallow, greedy way for us to jump aboard the Disney+ gravy train. [Stuart laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And talk about a Disney+ movie. And you were especially excited to do this, because—is it because you love old-school Disney, or because you love jumping onto trends? I say as you twerk and whip your hair back and forth right in front of me.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Uh… it is— [Dan laughs.] And you’re also doing the ice bucket challenge?
dan
									
Trends? I’m sorry—trends, Elliott? [Elliott and Stuart laugh.] Are you a time traveler? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Laughs.] It’s as—your trends are a little out of date, is what I’m saying.
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
Uh, but is this—whi—which is it? Is it—‘cause I know you like old Disney stuff. Right?
dan
									
Yeah. I mean—yeah! A big part of it is like, this was a movie that I saw on the Disney Channel when I was a very young child and enjoyed because… y’know, uh… I had power fantasies of being super smart? [Elliott coughs.]
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And uh… but like I—I couldn’t remember—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —anything about it. Elliott: And also wearing tennis shoes, right?
elliott
									
‘Cause you grew up very poor.
dan
									
Yes.
elliott
									
And your parents could only afford to buy you cardboard shoes, which you could not play tennisin . ‘Cause the—the courts at the time where you were—again, it was a very poor town—the courts were made out of glass, and the glass courts would just ripped up those—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —cardboard shoes. Stuart: Seems like—
stuart
									
—that would be more expensive. To get a—like, what, a single pane of glass?
elliott
									
No, no, no! It’s—it’s just shards!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: They just filled a vacant lot with shards. Stuart: It’s crushed glass. I guess that makes sense. Elliott: Yeah. It’s— Dan: Oh, Elliott.
dan
									
The idea that I would ever exercise as vigorously as a game of tennis is— [Elliott laughs.] —comical to me.
dan
									
No, but I also, like—at—
stuart
									
The glass Tennessee— [Laughs.] The Glass, uh, Tennis Court. By Tennessee Williams. [All laugh.]
dan
									
Tennis-y Williams. [All laugh.]
dan
									
Um, no. I—I also like… y’know, as with you—I mean, obviously I have a fascinating with things that are bad.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Uh… thus this podcast.
stuart
									
Yeah. [Laughs.]
dan
									
And—I have a fascination with, like, old Disney. So this period where they pumped out really dumb live-action comedies—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Is kind of interesting to me, even though they’re all objectively, like, boring and terrible.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
So—
elliott
									
Even Son of Flubber?
dan
									
Uh, even Son of Flubber.
elliott
									
Okay.
elliott
									
Even—and—and so—and I—we—there’s another movie that I wanted to do, which maybe we’ll do another time called Million Dollar Duck, which—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Dan: Uh-huh.
elliott
									
—uh, maybe we’ll get to see that. But it—it seems like a lot of, uh, the Disney movies at the time involved someone discovering something, and then being chased for it. That was pretty much the formula. Right?
stuart
									
Yeah, the uh… the… when The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes wrapped up and the credits were playing, uh… the—my next option was to watch The Ugly Dachshund. [Elliott laughs.] Which also looked pretty good, guys! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
I mean, the thing is, they shoulda just called it The Dachshund. Am I right, everybody?
stuart
									
[Stuart laughs.] Oh, wow!
dan
									
Oh, wow. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh, man. We are gonna get some unsubscribes in a second.
elliott
									
‘Cause I’m just saying—those wiener dogs are busted.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, wow. Dan: No, there’s—
dan
									
—one at work that’s adorable.
stuart
									
Yeah! You name ‘em Frank! [Elliott and Dan laugh.]
dan
									
That’s what you do with ‘em!
elliott
									
[Elliott laughs.] They’re all named Frank! Yup!
dan
									
But you gotta explain to people—if it’s a—if it’s named Frank, you gotta explain to visitors to your house, you gotta be like—now, this is a dog.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yep.
dan
									
Not a frankfurter.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yep.
dan
									
Do not put mustard on it— [Stuart laughs.] —and try to eat it.
elliott
									
Yeah. Or they’re—they’re like—oh, it’s so—it’s such a honor to meet you, Mr. Curry! And you’re like, no, no, this is not Tim Curry in the role of Frank-N-Furter, from the movie Rocky Horror Picture Show, this is a dog.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Yup.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I mean— Stuart: It’s not a—
dan
									
—in this scenario you have very dumb friends. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. I know—I know you’re gonna be tempted to put a dog-sized, uh, hot dog bun on him and put some relish on him. [Elliott laughs.] Uh, so that you can take a photo of him. But I’m—I’m sorry, you might be tempted to eat him. I don’t think it’s a good idea.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Elliott: No, no.
elliott
									
I know you’re gonna be tempted to ask him to sing one of his many hits: New York, New York, uh, The Autumn of My Years—September of My Years—but no, this is a—this is not, uh, Frank Sinatra.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. If—if you look—if you look— Elliott: It’s a dog named Frank.
stuart
									
If you look closely, you’ll see that he does not have blue eyes. [Elliott laughs.] So he is not Frank Sinatra. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
No! So don’t say, “Sing My Way!” ‘Cause the best you’re gonna get is [imitation of Scooby Doo voice] “Ry Rayy!” which is not—that’s not the way Frank Sinatra sounds.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
So—uh, I—I wanna say to everybody that was just a joke. Dachshunds, of course, are adorable dogs. Bred to have their bodies fall apart so that we may be delighted, uh, by the inconvenience with which they live. Dan?
dan
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Continue. So you love old Disney movies.
dan
									
Yeah! And I think we all—uh, really like Kurt Russell quite a bit.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, yeah, he’s great. Dan: And it is fun to see him—
dan
									
—back in his, like… not child actor at this point, uh, cusp-of-adulthood actor days.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Um—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Y’know. Elliott: But this was—this was when—
elliott
									
This is when, uh, the ancient Greeks would say he was at his most beautiful. When he’s still a young man but his full beard has not come in yet.
dan
									
Mm.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh, no, give me the—give me the— Stuart: Okay. Yeah. Thanks for—yeah.
dan
									
—bearded Kurt Russell. Give me a Kurt Russell with elaborate facial hair, please.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Okay. Stuart: Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Hateful Eight! Turn it on!
dan
									
Yeah. [Stuart laughs.] Um—okay. Let’s just start.
elliott
									
So Dan, you’re doing—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —the plot today. Dan: Let’s start talking about this movie.
elliott
									
So I wanna—so I wanna warn everybody that Dan’s doing the plot today. [Dan laughs.] Now I hear the rustling of papers, which tells me that Dan took notes, which isn’t—
dan
									
I actually took notes! [Stuart laughs.] 
elliott
									
Is a different thing for him! [Laughs.] So!
dan
									
Yeah, but I—my body sabotaged me.
stuart
									
It’s—it’s weird! There—they look like they—they should be notes, but it’s just torn-out pages of Highlights for Kids, the movie notes. [All laugh.] 
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So that Goofus, he does this thing! Stuart: And it—
elliott
									
And Gallant, he does the opposite!
stuart
									
And—and the word jumble isn’t even filled out, so. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] I don’t know if I’d call it notes. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Alright. So—we—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —start out— Elliott: So—so—wait, wait—
elliott
									
Hold on. Fanfare. The Flop House presents: Disney+ Spectacular Showcase— [Stuart laughs.] The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, starring Kurt Russell and Caesar Romero! Hosted by Dan McCoy! And now, live from the Disney Main Street Electric Parade— [Dan laughs.] It’s Dan McCoy!
dan
									
Oh, I wish I could remember how that theme goes. Uh—and I—or I w—I would do it. Although my voice is not—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Although this—this movie— Elliott: Just—just make it up!
stuart
									
—had a little theme, right?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It was like, [Singing] “Duh, duh, duhhh, the computer wore tennis shoes!” Dan: Yeah, well I’m gonna get—I’m gonna—
dan
									
I’m gonna get to that! Alright. [Elliott laughs.] We start off with these pop art kind of credits with a—with a title song about how the computer wore tennis shoes.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And it has lyrics like “Making the news, paying his dues!” [Elliott laughs.] [Through laughter] And there’s computer bleep-bloops in the background.
elliott
									
I mean, they also mention that he is—he is—he is coming up with ideas that they—what they call a “cosmo-thropic pace?” [Dan laughs. Stuart joins in.] Which is a word that I’ve yet to see anywhere else? [Laughs.]
dan
									
It’s science. Uh, Elliott. You wouldn’t understand. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Good point. True.
dan
									
Um, so we open on—there’s a—
elliott
									
Da—Da—wait, wait! Dan! Does the theme song illuminate at all how this computer suddenly got shoes on him? Or is it still a mystery?
dan
									
It’s still a mystery at this point. I—I believe. I—I—I—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —didn’t write the whole lyrics down, Elliott. Stuart: I mean, you could just lift up—you could just—
stuart
									
—lift up the computer tower and stuff some shoes underneath it. [Elliott laughs.] There ya go.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Good point. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Like—like there’s a wicked witch under there. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
It’s like one of those Mr. Potato Heads. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Now those are two different things you guys have just compared it to. Stuart— [Stuart laughs.] Yours is a little more apt, I feel, because Mr. Potato Head is wearing the shoes. He’s not sitting atop of a dead body that has shoes on it. [Stuart and Dan laugh.] Whereas, Dan, if it’s a Wicked Witch scenario that is a corpse that has shoes on it, and of course you’re gonna remove those shoes and its feet are gonna roll back like two gross Beetlejuice sand worms. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh-huh. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Uh—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So I guess what I’m saying is— Dan: Good point.
elliott
									
Folks, folks, if you see a dead witch under a house, don’t steal her shoes. You’re just gonna end up in a load of trouble when you could’ve gotten home the entire time by finding a friendly con artist with a hot air balloon.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And that’s— Dan: No, you gotta—
elliott
									
One to grow on.
dan
									
You have it the wrong way around. Anyway. So we start—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: But—but she needs— Dan: —in a—
elliott
									
—the shoes to get by at the end! I’m saying you don’t need those shoes if you get in the hot air balloon and your dog jumps out and you’re like, alright! Goodbye, Toto! I guess you liked Oz more! I can get another dog in Kansas.
stuart
									
So it’s kinda like how—
dan
									
How do we know that that balloon could get ya back to Kansas? Come on.
elliott
									
I mean, as we know, he—he makes very clear he doesn’t know how it works, but—I mean, he got it from Omaha! Omaha is closer to Kansas than the Emerald City is, so you do the math, Dan. Stuart, you were gonna say? [Laughs.]
stuart
									
So it’s kinda like the whole thing, where like—if Indiana Jones just stayed working his normal professor’s job, those Nazis woulda just been killed by the Ark anyway.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, but Marion probably would’ve been killed by the Nazis. Elliott: Oh, it would’ve been even better ‘cause—
dan
									
So there was at least something.
elliott
									
No, no. They would’ve brought the Ark to Hitler, ‘cause he’s like, [imitates German accent] “Oooh! I want to see this! This is gonna be pretty cool!” The—the spirit of Death would’ve—the Angel of Death would have killed Hitler. War over. Thanks, Indiana Jones, for prolonging the war!
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Actually, that’s a pretty good point. [Dan coughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah!
dan
									
It’s not a good point at all! [Stuart and Elliott laugh.] They wanted to—it’s not like without Indiana Jones they would’ve changed the idea of, like, “Let’s look into the Ark ahead of time, just to be sure!”
elliott
									
No, they were only doing that ‘cause they wanted to show Indiana Jones how cool they were! They’d be—if he wasn’t there—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh. Stuart: Yeah. Elliott: —they’d be like—
elliott
									
[Imitating German accent] “Hey, guys! Proper safety procedures. Let’s wait ‘til we get this to Berlin before we open up the Ark.”
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Stuart agrees repeatedly with Elliott through his Indiana Jones Nazi monologue.]
elliott
									
“Yeah, you’re—you’re right. You’re right. We just—we don’t have any Americana schweinehunds here that we really need to impress! By showing how super-duper, uber-tough we are! By opening up the Ark right in front of him! So let’s wait ‘til we get it home.”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And then— Stuart: Yeah. I guess—guess Elliott—
stuart
									
—just saw Jojo Rabbit. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] I did just see Jojo Rabbit! Well the—as I—I tweeted about this. The weirdest thing about Jojo Rabbit is that the—the Jojo Rabbit—the actor, the character, he looks like I imagine my son Sammy will look when he is that age? Like, he looks a lot like him? So it was like, okay, so this is what my son looks like as a Nazi. Thanks, Taika. [All laugh.] Appreciate it!
dan
									
Alright. Well, we’ve only gotten to the credits, so please— [Elliott laughs.] —let me—
elliott
									
Alright. So Dan, where—where does this take place? At a high-tech military installation? Uh, an—a lunar colony? Where?
dan
									
No, it’s at a college. [Stuart laughs.] I have the name written down later but I forget it right now.
crosstalk
									
Elliott and Stuart: I think it’s Medford— Stuart: —or something. Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Oh, it’s Medfield.
elliott
									
Medfield College.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Mm-hm.
dan
									
So we open in, like, the c—the college’s dean is talking to—I dunno. I mean, like one of the people he’s talking to is a professor…
stuart
									
Uh-huh. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
So it’s unclear, like—you would think that he was—like—this is kind of an administrative meeting, but maybe this professor’s on some sort of—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —administrative board or something. Stuart: I mean, they’re talking about a budget, right?
elliott
									
Yeah. I—it appears to me they were talking about the school budget, and Professor Quigley has a proposal: he wants the school to buy a computer!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Inaudible^.] Stuart: I was trying to remember—
stuart
									
—where I recognized that actor from. Uh, ‘cause he looks super familiar—
crosstalk
									
Dan: He’s been in a ton of stuff. [Dan proceeds to agree frequently with Stuart.] Stuart: —and then I—I saw—
stuart
									
—his credits were, like, 385 acting credits? And I’m like, well, I could look through this or I could watch the movie I’m— [Elliott laughs.] —I’m supposed to be watching.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: There—I mean— Dan: So—
elliott
									
—a lot of the actors in this were in tons of movie and TV shows. You’ve seen ‘em. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Quigley, uh, wants this computer for his—the science department, and the college dean is like, “Blah, blah, blah. We don’t have the money for that!” [Stuart laughs.] Meanwhile, uh, the kids—the gang—uh, one of whom being Kurt Russell, have a transmitter hidden in the flowers—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
So they can listen into this administrative meeting. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
That they’re fascinated by for some reason.
stuart
									
Well—I think—that—well—the reason is ‘cause they’re worried about the—being on some kind of, like, double secret probation or whatever.
dan
									
Yeah. No, they—like—the dean denies the computer and he says, okay, onto our non-gifted students! And it’s just interested that all of these quote-unquote “bad” students are so… uh, like invested in hearing whether they’re, y’know, on this bad list of…
crosstalk
									
Dan: —uh, bad students. Elliott: Well, ‘cause here’s the thing, Dan. [Stuart frequently interjects to agree with Elliott.]
elliott
									
Here’s—this is a pretty subversive movie in a lot of ways. And I think—and one of the main reasons is—any power structure? I’ll tell you what it really has to worry about and who the real enemies are. Not the criminal element or the troublemaking kids; the kids who are invested in the system and want to see positive change. Those are the ones who really threatening the system at its foundations? And so Dexter—Kurt Russell and his friends—they’re on the bad list. Not because they’re bad kids, but because they’re too interested—
stuart
									
Ohhhh!
elliott
									
—in seeing good things happen.
stuart
									
Okay, yeah.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And that threatens to— Stuart: We’ll see how this plays out!
elliott
									
Yeah. And that threatens the dean’s power. And as you’ll see throughout the movie, this is a movie very much about power and the way power corrupts and also the way that power is used as leverage on both an educational and a governmental—and in some ways, and a criminal!—uh, level. So it’s very much about this intersection between what I call “the educational scientific criminal complex” and how Dexter fits into that! Which is as a goofy dude who electroshocks himself by accident!
stuart
									
It’s kinda like how Saturn, in order to maintain his power, devoured his children, y’know?
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Exactly! Yes!
dan
									
I—I’m beginning to see why, uh, Stuart seems more than usually annoyed at Elliott when he’s the one doing the summary. [All laugh.]
dan
									
But anyway, they w—like, they—they’re—they really want this computer, so Kurt Russell is gonna get this local businessman— [Elliott laughs.] —to maybe donate. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
He’s like, the guy that he worked for. And—
elliott
									
It is very funny that it’s like, “Uh, here are the—here’s the non-gifted n’er-do-wells we should kick out.” And they’re like, “We should help this—we should help a local businessman [though laughter] donate a computer to the college!”
dan
									
Yeah. And lo and behold, who’s this businessman? But Caesar Romero! TV’s The Joker! And maybe he’s playing The Joker out of makeup here, because he—as you will find out, he is a criminal! Later on. [Stuart laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Spoiler alert. Elliott: But he’s not, like—
elliott
									
—a funny criminal.
dan
									
No.
stuart
									
Uh, I don’t know! I think—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —that he does some stuff that’s pretty funny. [Laughs.] Dan: Maybe this is before he becomes The Joker.
stuart
									
And—and there—and there’s some events over the course of the movie, I feel, that might be a… inciting moment that might turn him into The Joker. But we’ll get to that. We’ll get to that.
elliott
									
So you’re saying the movie Joker is a remake of The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes?
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] Yeah, that’s right. Elliott: In some ways.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Todd Phillips saw the subplot involving— [Elliott laughs.] —Caesar Romero in this movie. Says, “This gives me an idea!”
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Uh—yeah. So… they talk to the businessman. He’s like, “I dunno, I already donated all this money,” but uh… but—ultimately he thinks, like, maybe he will. And he goes into his secret room behind a portrait of Whistler’s Mother, on the wall—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And they’re using their computer that they have in the back to do mysterious betting things!
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Gambling—
stuart
									
Like, fixing sports betting or something.
dan
									
Yeah. It’s not totally clear how the computer figures—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —into their— Elliott: I mean, he—he runs—
elliott
									
—he runs a series of rigged casinos.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And somehow they need the computer for that. Now here’s one of the more baffling decisions that he makes, which I guess—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Yep. Elliott: —if you’re as—
elliott
									
—perverse as The Joker, maybe it makes sense— [Stuart laughs.] —in a strange humorous way. But uh, he’s like—“Well this computer is the nerve center of our illegal organization.” [Dan laughs.] “You know what? I think I will donate it to the college!” [Stuart laughs.] 
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Even if it wasn’t full of incriminating evidence, why would he give up the thing he needs to run all this—the illegal casinos? Dan?
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
What’s going on in his mind, other than the sheer—again—perversity of being a living joke?
dan
									
He does tell his henchman not to give the money to, uh, the—the college, so maybe he’s just gonna buy a newer computer with that money? Uh, and get rid of, like old hardware? It is—it is strange, though, that like—I dunno, like it seems like Kurt Russell should’ve made it clear—and it seems like he does make it clear that they need both the money and the computer, but— [Elliott and Stuart laugh.] -Caesar Romero’s like, no. I’m pulling the funding and giving you this giant—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —room-filling computer. Stuart: Giving you this trash.
elliott
									
Now, it feels like they should’ve had a scene where his henchman is like, “The police are onto us! We gotta get rid of the evidence!” So he’s like, “Oh, okay, I’ll donate the computer to the college”—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: “—and that way we won’t have it.” Stuart: Yeah. That woulda—
stuart
									
That woulda made—that woulda made everything make way more sense in this whole movie.
elliott
									
But—but instead he’s just like—ah! This’ll save me $20,000 bucks if I send them this incriminating crime computer! [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Uh, then we get a scene that’s kind of not that necessary where the computer is getting moved into the science department—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And the dean comes in angry that Caesar Romero is taking the money back and he’s made at Kurt Russell’s character Dexter.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
This is—this scene has one of—there’s a couple jokes in the movie where I’m like, why are these jokes in a kid’s movie? [Dan laughs.] And this one—the—the professor is bossing them around, and they’re like, boy, the professor doesn’t waste any time! And one goes, yeah! If he was in charge of the Soviet’s Five-Year Plan, it’d be done in six months! And it was like, was that something that kids thought was really funny— [Dan laughs.] —at the time? Like—
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
elliott
									
Like Soviet planning jokes? [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]  
dan
									
Um… so the—the good professor is giving, uh, like Quigley is lecturing on—on the computer. Uh, on—on computers in general, and he’s got these watercolor big diagrams on— [Elliott laughs.] —like placards, and uh…
elliott
									
And what do they—what are they diagrams of, Dan?
dan
									
Uh, one’s like a—like a guy’s head? Like a brain? I dunno. [Elliott laughs.] I can’t remember. But uh, Quigley, uh, I have noted down here, the actor is William Schallert, uh—‘cause I, too, like Stuart, was like, I’ve seen this guy in a million things. Who is he? But yeah. He’s been in too much.
stuart
									
He’s a—I think he was in a bunch of episodes of The New Gidget. [Elliott laughs.] 
crosstalk
									
Dan: So… Elliott: [Through laughter] Okay.
stuart
									
Write it down, guys! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Put that in your dossier for William Schallert.
dan
									
So… [Sighs.] Jesus. Like, so this—
stuart
									
So he does a lecture; the computer, like, explodes or something and he’s like, oh, my mainframe thing got all busted!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Why don’t you go to RadioShack? Elliott: Well—at first he goes—he’s—
elliott
									
He’s showing a really elaborate demonstration of how a computer, properly programmed, can close a window and order groceries over the phone.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Dan laughs.] [Stuart frequently affirms Dan.]
dan
									
Um, yeah. I’ve got—like, this movie is so nothing? That like— [Elliott laughs.] —I—I was like, I made these notes? Sometimes the notes get a little shorthand-y? And like, “Oh, I’ll—I’ll remember what it is! Because I watched this movie!” And no, I don’t. Like, it’s like—
crosstalk
									
Dan: I have this thing— Elliott: So what do you—so—
elliott
									
So read your notes and we’ll puzzle them out like we’re deciphering the Snowman’s clues, ‘cause he left us all the clues, Mr. Police!
dan
									
Well I remember this first one, “experiment with rain gauge and computer.” That’s—he—he put a rain gauge on the—on the roof and like, like if you don’t wanna go out to the store or whatever, like— [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
It’ll—like, the computer will phone for you to have it delivered, or—I don’t know.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It was really funny. Stuart: Uh-huh.
elliott
									
He’s like, he’s like—why should I expend the effort of shutting one window and calling the store and speaking to them for 30 seconds, when I can spend several hours programming this computer to do those for me?
dan
									
Yeah. But the—the note that I don’t quite understand, it says: “Space computer. Experiment does crazy stuff with door and phone.” [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Yep. I mean, the phone just starts, like, lifting up and down and the door starts slamming. It’s kind of got—it—it was reminiscent of the, like, when the evil spirit takes over the cabin in Evil Dead 2?
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
And everything starts saying “Dead by dawn?”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. Dan: Yeah.
stuart
									
That’s kinda what it reminded me of.
elliott
									
Yeah. I think what—I think what happens is they—they posit, I think, that the computer used to be used for space experiments. And so that information may still be in it. And they ask it about it and it goes nuts. [Dan laughs.] 
stuart
									
Oh, okay.
dan
									
Crazy.
stuart
									
So something—something like—one of the things got fried out and the—and he’s like, oh, well, I guess I’ll never be able to fix this ever again! [Elliott laughs.] And then Kurt Russell’s like—okay, I’ll drive a couple hours to the store to buy you a new one.
dan
									
Well no, he’s—yeah. I think he’s—I think he’s—yeah, stealing it from where he used to work or whatever.
crosstalk
									
Dan: But um— Elliott: Well he’s—and he’s—
elliott
									
He’s trying to get out of—he’s trying to get out of studying for this big test that’s coming up. The dean is like—the big—the big standardized test is coming up tomorrow! And we—last year we were second-to-last in the whole state!
dan
									
Yeah. And Kurt Russell drives in the rain and the rain is this great, like, rear-screen projection that just looks like a bunch of crazy scribbles, uh, out the window.
elliott
									
I mean, and we can barely see it ‘cause he’s plastered his windshield and windows with the stuff he’s supposed to be studying. So he—while he’s driving he’s reading and trying to study. And I’m like, uh. To be able to read and drive at the same time.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. That’s a—that’s a real, uh— Dan. Elliott: At—my—my dream come true.
stuart
									
Yeah. That’s a real long-haul trucker technique, I think. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And he’s also peeing in a bottle and then hurling the bottle out the window! [Laughs.] [Dan and Stuart laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Yeah.
dan
									
So…
stuart
									
And saying “breaker breaker” and stuff. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Kurt—Kurt goes into the classroom late at night to replace this part, and he—and there’s like rain on the—water on the floor and uh, he holds a couple of wires and he gets electrocuted. And uh—
stuart
									
But luckily, the rubber soles of his tennis shoes would protect him from this!
dan
									
Uh… could be!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Maybe that’s why he doesn’t die. He’s zapped pretty hard! Stuart: I think he—I think he actually—I think he’s—
stuart
									
I think he’s always wearing dress shoes in the movie, which [though laughter] I think is the— [Elliott laughs.] —craziest choice.
dan
									
Well also— [Laughs.] Also, uh… my girlfriend pointed out that he’s always wearing the same sweater.
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Like, everyone else changes clothes in the movie? And he briefly does when he becomes, like, more like famous and powerful?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: He—he changes into some pretty snazzy clothes eventually. Dan: But he’s basically—
dan
									
Yeah. But he’s basically wearing the same sweater.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
She was mostly interested in this movie for the costumes. Which were—a lot of fun. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. I mean—
dan
									
A lotta ascots and such.
elliott
									
He uh—he made—I think that sweater has some import to him. It’s just a—an important sweater ‘cause I don’t—I—I think I was looking up there’s deleted scenes, and there’s a scene where he explains to someone that if they want to destroy his sweater, they should just pull the thread as he walks away.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yeah.
elliott
									
And it would leave him naked, lying on the floor. And they’re like, I don’t want that to happen to you, Dexter! You’re my friend! And he’s like, okay, then I guess I’ll just wear this sweater forever!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Mm-hm! It’s weird why they would remove that— Elliott: And it pans over to—
stuart
									
Because it—I mean, I guess it makes sense ‘cause this movie is, uh, all killer, no filler. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. And it pans over to a little baby with—with big chunky glasses on, who goes—goo-goo ga-ga, Weezer?
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Yep.
elliott
									
And that’s, of course, the actual Rivers Phoenix. Uh, Rivers Cuomo, sorry— [Stuart laughs.] —not River Phoenix. The actual Rivers Cuomo in a cameo as a baby. So it’s just a huge coincidence that he later wrote a song with those same lyrics in it.
stuart
									
And also, like… timing-wise, I guess that makes sense. ‘Cause—this movie came out in what, ’68?
elliott
									
Yeah, and I think he’s—he’s what, like 70 years old? [Stuart laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Alright. Elliott: It was—
elliott
									
This was something that, uh, my, uh, former—former— [Sound of glass getting knocked over.] —whoa!
stuart
									
Uh, sorry, I’m getting—getting all crazy here.
elliott
									
Uh— [Laughs.] Former Flop House guest Jennie Jaffe said to me once, she realized that Weezer is dad rock? Now? And I’m like, I think it always kinda was dad rock.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Um… okay. So—
stuart
									
Opinions, Dan?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Do you want to talk about Weezer some more? Dan: No, I wanna—No. I don’t. I don’t wanna do that at all. Elliott: Dan, is—do you wanna take on that hot take about Weezer? That it’s dad rock? [Laughs.]
dan
									
So um… so—Kurt is—
elliott
									
So Dan—so Dan— [Dan sighs.] As you made it clear— [Stuart laughs.] It’s been raining. He got zapped—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And then he got zapped again. Dan: [With loud impatience] Oh God! Why do you have to recap—
dan
									
I’m moving on! [Stuart and Elliott laugh.]
elliott
									
‘Cause I want to talk about him being zapped!
dan
									
Yeah, he got zapped—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —and he— Elliott: And zapped again. Stuart: Uh-huh.
dan
									
And then he’s asleep in his dorm room, and he’s sleep-talking all this, like, computer nonsense. And there’s beeps and boops going on— [All laugh.] —for some reason. Um—
stuart
									
I think I know the reason. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. And so finally, it’s the day of this big standardized test.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. [Stuart continues to affirm Dan as Dan continues summarizing the movie.]
dan
									
Kurt and his buddies are taking it, and—Dexter, his character, suddenly knows everything. He’s zooming through this test. And there—again, there’s beep noises as he thinks. And like—I don’t—like, being electrocuted has somehow also imparted that to him. Um…
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s turned his brain— Dan: Y’know.
elliott
									
—into a computer. A computer that—brace yourself—wears tennis shoes.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
stuart
									
Uh, so he finishes his test super-fast and then he likes, eats a sandwich really loud? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] He—the—it’s—it’s such a weird scene ‘cause it goes from being about how he finishes the test super-fast to about how everything he’s doing is loud and distracting to everyone else [though laughter] in the room? [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And it’s like, why did you bring a sandwich— Dan: And this is the loudest sandwich—
elliott
									
—with you to the test, Kurt?
dan
									
Well, but also, like, no sandwich has ever been this loud. It’s like he’s eating a sandwich filled with gravel. Like, it’s— [Elliott laughs.] —crazy how much the thing crunches.
stuart
									
I don’t know. Maybe he threw some potato chips on there! [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah! To get some—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —texture! Dan: Even those woulda gotten—
dan
									
—soggy while he was taking the test!
stuart
									
Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense. It’s filled with, like, pork cracklins and stuff. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
So, uh… the dean, of course, thinks that he cheated on this test ‘cause he got everything right super-fast. But quickly doesn’t think that he cheated, and I have in my notes: “Because ???”
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
I mean, I—other than, like, he likes this kid, I dunno why.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, well they— Elliott: I think he just trusts him.
stuart
									
—Don’t they, like, immediately take him to the doctor and they start examining him.
dan
									
Yes. I’ve gotta get that—to that right now. The doctor looks at his ears and shows them and there’s [though laughter] blinking computer lights inside his ears. [All laugh.] Uh—and then, also—
stuart
									
They do, like, an x-ray of his head and there’s like—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —videos and stuff? Dan: There’s gambling stuff and—
dan
									
—a bikini woman and like—I think it was like a banana car or something?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It was—I thought it was a bathtub car. And I was—I was waiting— Dan: It was like a weird—a bathtub car, that’s right.
elliott
									
[Stuart interjects often to affirm Elliott.] —for that to pay off, ‘cause I’m like—okay, computer parts in his brain. He’s a computer. And there’s gambling ‘cause the computer’s being used for gambling and I guess the computer likes to visualize what it’s thinking about. But then I never—didn’t understand why the bikini girl and a bathtub car—
crosstalk
									
Dan: I think the bikini—I think that’s— [Laughs.] Yeah. Elliott: Maybe that’s just a sexual fantasy that was already in his brain! Stuart: Mm-hm.
dan
									
I think that’s just meant to be Dexter’s normal thoughts that are still in there.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. He’s a budding surrealist. Dan: Like, you know— [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Exactly. Like how you sometimes, uh, see Homer’s thoughts and it’s like, you know, a cartoon playing “Turkey in the Straw” or whatever.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
So you’re saying, Dan, if you got zapped by that computer, they’d look into your mind and it’d be like a little bit of math, and a little bit of gambling, and then just like… a parade of butts?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
A butt parade sounds terrific.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Let’s—let’s make it happen. Let’s get the permits. [Stuart laughs.] Today.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Gonna have the city— Stuart: [Laughs.] I’m glad you’re going through the—

									
The right channels.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Well, ‘cause this is gonna be down 5th Avenue, right?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: The canyon of heroes. Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Oh, wow, that’s not cheap.
elliott
									
No.
dan
									
That’s gonna be ticker-tape butt parade.
elliott
									
Da—guys, can I take a moment to complain about something that happened during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Sure. Let’s put the brakes on this speeding car. [Laughs.] Dan: Sure. I—I would love it.
elliott
									
At— [Laughs.] At the very beginning of it, the host says—th—there—he’s like—there are people here from all over the country and that’s what this day is all about—people coming together to enjoy the parade! And I was like, this holiday is not about the parade! Hold on a second! Like, this is—wait a minute! Don’t—let’s not go that far! And it just irked me, y’know?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Mm-hm.
dan
									
And I love the Macy’s—
stuart
									
Yeah, I mean—that—that speech was given by the owner of Macy’s, William H. Macys. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And he—y’know, he’s just trying to get over the fact that his wife is a criminal now, so I understand it.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
I love that parade, but… mostly for nostalgic reasons? [Stuart laughs.] Like, the idea—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Through laughter] For the Peanuts characters? Dan: —that I— [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
What?
stuart
									
For the Peanuts characters?
dan
									
Yeah, kind of! But like I love, y’know, when I was a kid I watched it and I’m like, ooh! Big balloons! But now I watch it and I’m—I—
elliott
									
Now you watch—now you watch porn for the same reason.
dan
									
I watch it mostly to be amused by… the fact that it’s like, okay. What NBC stars can we shoehorn in here— [Elliott laughs.] —‘cause it—NBC owns this property. Uh—
elliott
									
Well, actually, it was on CBS this year. Can you believe it?
dan
									
No it wasn’t!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It was where I was! Dan: Was it?
dan
									
I wa—uh, I don’t think—CBS has its own parade.
elliott
									
Mmmm… yeah, it’s called the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I was watching it and it had Al Roker on it. Elliott: It was there this year.
crosstalk
									
Dan: And Al Roker, I believe, is an NBC personality. Elliott: Hm. Maybe—
elliott
									
Maybe they had different—maybe they had different coverage. ‘Cause I saw—I definitely saw the CBS version of it. ‘Cause there were a lot of stars from Evil, but uh—
dan
									
Okay.
crosstalk
									
Dan: But also, like— Elliott: But at one point—
dan
									
It’s like, all your favorite corporate mascots— [Elliott laughs.] —are gonna be on a balloon coming down!
elliott
									
[inaudible^] The Pillsbury Dough Boy was going down the street, and Sammy was like, “Who’s that?” And I’m like, “Oh, that’s the Pillsbury Dough Boy! He’s this guy—" and I’m like, “—who’s just in commercials and he just sells baked goods.”
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
“And all he is is a corporate product. And also when you poke him, he goes ‘Hoo hoo!’” And Sammy was like, “I like him!” [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Well, he is pretty cute. Elliott: And I was like—
elliott
									
He is very cute, but I was like… oh yeah, he has no—there’s—there’s literally nothing to him except trying to sell, like, toaster rolls and things like that. Like, there’s no—he—he’s not a—he’s not part from a movie or anything like that. And it really struck me hard. That—guys—I guess commercials are art when you look at it.
dan
									
Yes. Uh… I zoned out, so I hope I didn’t agree with something dumb. [Elliott laughs.] Um—
stuart
									
Yeah, I mean, you basically— [Laughs.] You—you agreed to the premise of Mad Men. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. So—Dexter’s gonna be on TV. And there’s another—presuming—presumably even more evil dean—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Who wants to steal Dexter to his school—
stuart
									
State!
elliott
									
From the—from the state school!
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
This is one of those movies where, like in Ghostbusters, where the people who work for… a public utility or administration are the bad guy.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh-huh. Stuart: Yeah.
dan
									
Uh—so professors from other schools quiz Dexter, and Dexter is very—getting more and more computer-like by the moment. At one point he says, uh, “We’ve wasted 38 seconds on applause already; perhaps if we save the applause to the end it will go more smoothly.”
stuart
									
Mm-hm. I’m gonna start incorporating that bit into our live shows, I think.
dan
									
Yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
And—like, this new cockiness of Dexter’s turns his friends against him almost immediately.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
And he—it’s like this—like, it’s weird. It’s—he’s barely more cocky and they—who have presumably been friends with him for, y’know, a few years at this point—are like, “Fuck this guy!”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Wow, you’re— [Laughs.] Dan: “And his tennis shoes!”
stuart
									
I—it’s kinda weird that you’re taking the side of the guy who becomes like a cocky, distant jerk? [Elliott laughs.] Over— [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: It’s not like a—it’s not this huge personality— Stuart: [Through laughter] Over his friends? Elliott: Especially when—as you know ‘cause you’ve—
elliott
									
As you know ‘cause you’ve seen the movie, his friends save him from gangsters at the end, at the risk of their own life.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
I mean, that seems like… y’know, that doesn’t seem like…
crosstalk
									
Dan: What would you do, guys? Stuart: Dan thinks they’re doing that for their own ends. They’re just— Elliott: Yeah. You’re right—that’s the least I could do.
elliott
									
If my friend was kidnapped by gangsters, the least I could do is solve the problem myself— [Laughs.] [Dan and Stuart laugh.] Go—with no training, go undercover and—and rescue him. Yeah.
dan
									
Well, I mean, that’s their stupidity. They could’ve enlisted professional help in this matter.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah, that’s true. Stuart: Yeah, if only—
stuart
									
—they were all computers, too.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Yeah. Then they’d know how to call the police. Stuart: I feel like there shoulda been—
stuart
									
—a subplot in this movie where one of the other kids tries to become a computer. [Laughs.] And he like— [Breaks off, laughing.] [Elliott laughs.] He like, electrocutes [though laughter] himself to death.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh—okay. Elliott: Only Dexter can do that—
elliott
									
—in his laboratory. Wait a minute—Dexter’s laboratory!
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Now I get it!
stuart
									
Maybe it was a pair of brothers—the Scoleri brothers, perhaps, who are try— [Elliott laughs.] Uh, we’ll—we’ll figure it out.
dan
									
So—Dexter gets off a plane—and this is very important—he’s wearing a double-breasted pinstriped suit with a turtleneck.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Mm-hm. Stuart: Mm-hm. Yep.
dan
									
And, uh, he kisses two girls and Annie gets mad and I have “Girlfriend?”— [Elliott laughs.] Because it’s never really clear whether they actually are involved or whether she’s just jealous.
stuart
									
Yeah, I mean, I think—I think there’s—I think there’s some kind of connection, whether or not it’s been made official.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
I mean, I mean, and—she—you gotta assume she’s got a crush on him. He’s Kurt Russell. He’s very handsome. But I—I would be offended if I saw my friend—who’s starting to become a conf—an, uh, a condescending jerk—get off a plane on TV and two women he has never met before walk up to him to hand him flowers, just as a welcoming committee? And he immediately just starts macking on both of them? In front of the camera?
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
It—just because of the entitlement, you know? He’s got that—he’s got that computer wore tennis shoes entitlement that all computers with tennis shoes, have— [Dan laughs.] That they can just do whatever they want without any consequences!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Yeah. Dan: Yeah.
dan
									
Meanwhile, normal computers with—without tennis shoes are out there, y’know, every day, like, dealing with stuff that he can’t even comprehend.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Elliott: Yeah, well what about—
elliott
									
—a radio with bowling shoes? Talk to him! Talk—find out about your privilege, computer with tennis shoes!
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
This—this radio with bowling shoes is living a totally different America than you are! [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
So Dexter gets this ticker-tape parade, which is hilarious ‘cause it cuts between stock footage of a ticker-tape parade and a tight shot on the car, where someone’s throwing [though laughter] confetti at him and he’s waving madly. [Elliott laughs.] And then he goes to the U.N. and he’s just sort of standing around, talking to U—world leaders in front of the U.N.
stuart
									
In different languages.
dan
									
Yeah. Anyway. So—an encyclopedia CEO contacts the dean about, uh, college—like—like, an education bowl, like a Quiz Bowl thing?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
It’s called College Knowledge.
dan
									
And the other—like, evil dean wants him so they can win.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
I think—I think it’s a little far to call him an evil dean.
dan
									
Well… yeah. I—maybe just from the perspective of our main dean, is he evil. Like—but—y’know, at—in—in college—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —movies, all deans are evil. Stuart: He’s still the hero in his own story. Right?
elliott
									
Yeah. Well, it’s so funny ‘cause the dean is set up in the first scene as—as if he’s gonna be the bad guy?
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Yeah.
elliott
									
He doesn’t like our heroes. He’s denying the good professor his computer. And then this other dean comes in and it’s like, oh! He should come to my school, which has a lot more resources! And suddenly we’re supposed to be like, “No! I love the dean from Medfield! Medfield’s a great school!”
stuart
									
I mean, it’s the—the devil you know, y’know?
crosstalk
									
Dan: So we return to this, like— Elliott: Good point. Good point. [Laughs.]
dan
									
It’s not quite a montage. Let’s call it a series of short scenes, just like showing Dexter’s life changing.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
He’s watching a giant diamond get cut?
stuart
									
Oh yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
And he’s like, I know how to cut this diamond! And then the diamond cutter’s like, very offended by this. And he tries to cut it and it shatters into a million little—little pieces.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. It’s a good way to show how much smarter he is.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. Stuart: Is—is—
stuart
									
—Use something that everyone’s familiar with, the idea that it’s hard to cut a diamond. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Also, the idea that—he must’ve—at—the—the—like, this is taking place in an alternate universe where diamonds are not the hardest substance known to man. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Uh—
elliott
									
Oh, and did you—did you mention that it—we learn that Dexter has not yet registered for the Spring semester?
dan
									
Oh, right. Yeah. They want—
elliott
									
It’s—it’s not certain that he’s gonna definitely go to Medfield next semester!
crosstalk
									
Dan and Stuart: Yeah.
dan
									
And we also see him at—at Cape Kennedy, where, uh, there’s a rocket going off and Caesar Romero calls him about a job in his organization.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] And he calls him at the base, right? At the rocket base! [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: “Put me through to—” Elliott: So he—
dan
									
“—the computer who wears tennis shoes!” [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
He goes, “Yes, this is—this is a local wealthy man? I’m a—I’m a businessman in the California area? Put me through to the most famous man in America who’s at your rocket base watching a rocket ship.” “Okay, well the rocket’s about to launch and we brought him here to watch it for some reason, so—but yeah! Okay. you can talk to him.” ‘Cause there’s no—there’s no punchline to this. They don’t need him there! You just see footage of a rocket taking off.
dan
									
Yeah. I mean, you know! He’s doing smart stuff! Like going to NASA. But anyway—so, Dexter, like, uh, sort of blows off the dean to meet with Caesar Romero, and he go—and Caesar Romero takes Dexter to the track, where, uh, he’s—uh, Dexter suggests this long-shot bet and Macadoodle— [Elliott laughs.] —the horse that— [Laughs.] That he says should come, uh, comes from way behind and over the course of—I assume—the whole afternoon, Caesar Romero wins $28,000. Uh, because of Dexter’s picking the horses. And like—it seems that if Dexter just has the information that was in Caesar Romero’s computer in the first place, uh, like he shoulda been—Arno, the Caesar Romero character—should’ve been able to do this the whole time. He doesn’t need it to be transferred—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —into Kurt Russell, or—yeah. Stuart: Filtered through Kurt Russell’s unique perspective.
stuart
									
Yeah. I guess that makes sense. You would also think that, like, the mafiosos who run the track would be like, uh, these guys are winning too much because this kid— [Breaks off, laughing.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
“Maybe we should ban the computer-brained kid.”
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Now—and this is also—much to the chagrin of Arno, Caesar Romero’s main henchmen—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, his majordomo? Elliott: Or other main henchmen?
elliott
									
Yeah, who’s used to giving him horse tips. Now—now—I—is the horse name is Macadoodle? That makes more sense. I thought his name was Market Doodle.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And I was like, I don’t know what kind of market has doodles.
stuart
									
But I mean, horse names are always crazy, right?
elliott
									
Yeah, that’s true.
stuart
									
Like, I don’t think you can own a horse and you’re like, “Oh, I’m gonna name my horse ‘Jeffrey,’’ and everyone else— [Elliott laughs.] —will be like, nope, you’re not allowed.
elliott
									
Nope, you gotta name him “Tangerine Explosion!” [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
I think I misread it before. I think it’s in-between both—what we both said. It’s “Mark-a-doodle.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Ahhh, Market—that—that makes way more sense. Elliott: Oh, that makes more sense. Thank you.
elliott
									
Named after the famous explorer, Marco Mark-a-doodle. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
It’s the father of Rock-a-Doodle. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yep! Now—now wait—now, let’s take a moment. Guys, if you had a horse, a racehorse, what would you name it?
dan
									
Uh… “Dan’s Horse.”
stuart
									
Is— [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Okay, Dan. Pushing the limits of the human imagination once again. [All laugh.] I bow to the sheer power of human creativity. [Laughs.] Dan, once again you’ve shown that the— [Laughs.] The only power in the universe that cannot be overcome is that of—of expression and art and creative, uh, thinking. [Stuart laughs.] So Dan, thank you for that. “Dan’s Horse.” I assume—
crosstalk
									
Dan: You’re welcome. Elliott: —you thought—I assume you went— Stuart: Whole new—whole new—
stuart
									
Whole new vistas of perception open before me! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
What’s weird is—Dan had to go into a hallucinogenic trance to talk to his spirit animal— [Dan laughs.] —to go so far beyond the unexpected that he ended up at the most expected name.
stuart
									
That’s the—that’s the thing. It can only come from this fever state that Dan’s in right now— [Elliott laughs.] —from his sickness. And now if he wants to tap into that, he’s gonna have to make himself sick every time.
elliott
									
Yeah. And—so Stuart, what would you name your horse?
stuart
									
Uh… man. Probably “Stuart’s Horse.” [Elliott and Dan laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Wow! This is… guys, I—like, I’m blown away! I’m blown—I love what I’m hearing. I—I give you both A+’s. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Uh, so both of these deans are keen on getting Dexter to enroll for the next, uh, semester.
stuart
									
A couple of keen deans! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Keen deans. And they’re follow it—so they follow him—
elliott
									
It sounds like it—that sounds like a ‘50s all-male, like a capella group? The Keen Deans? [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Uh, they follow him to an illegal casino—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Called “Garibaldi’s,” because this movie is racist. [Laughs.]
dan
									
The casino gets raided and the deans wind up in a jail cell together.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
And—as well as, uh, and—in a different cell, Dexter and, uh, Caesar Romero’s henchman.
elliott
									
They have a scene—I kept wanting this scene to be like the one in The Master? When Philip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix are in those jail cells and they’re just yelling at each other?
stuart
									
Yup. And breaking toilets? [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Now—
elliott
									
And—but nary a privy is shattered in this movie!
dan
									
Now, at this point, Dexter gets disillusioned about how everyone wants a piece of him? And the arc—the character arc of this movie has been so fast. Like… he becomes, like, a—a—jerk, a mild jerk very quickly. We see a few scenes of that, and then he, like, repents very quickly. And—
elliott
									
Now Dan, you have to realize—
crosstalk
									
Dan: If I was— Elliott: This mo—
elliott
									
This movie’s only 91 minutes and fully 40 minutes of that is the least-fun chase scene in the history of movies.
dan
									
Well, that’s what I was gonna say. If I was gonna be charitable, I would say, okay, this is 91 minutes long. They don’t have a lot of space for, like, y’know, like, this character development. But then I think of all of the wonderful, marvelous pieces of entertainment out there that manage to pack amazing amounts of story and character into an equal amount of time, and I think… shame on you, Computer Wore Tennis Shoes! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Or less! This movie—this movie is at least four times as long as the It’s a Good Life episode of The Twilight Zone.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And it—and it fails to reach those heights.
stuart
									
Which I think also features, uh, the guy who plays [though laughter] Quigley. [All laugh.]
dan
									
So… Dexter’s friends have come to bail him out.
stuart
									
Yeah. They’re pooling all their money to bail him out.
dan
									
Yeah. Caesar Romero’s already bailed him out, but—but—so he sees them bailing him out. And that convinces him to stay at the current school, ‘cause he loves these people too much and he apologizes—
elliott
									
And what was the name of that school again, Dan?
dan
									
Uh, Medfield.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Elliott: Right.
dan
									
Dex apologizes to Annie—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I apologize to you and I asked—I asked you that— Dan: Again, maybe his girlfriend—who knows.
elliott
									
—assuming you would not have remembered the name. I apologize for underestimating you ‘cause you did remember the name.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yes. Stuart: Uh-huh.
dan
									
Well, it’s in my notes. But.
elliott
									
Oh. [Laughs.] So wait—so—the—so—yeah. Let’s talk a—Dan, you’re—at this point you still think maybe it’s his girlfriend.
dan
									
Who knows? Who knows. I mean, he specifically apologizes to her—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean, it’s a crazy time in your life, man— Dan: —directly.
stuart
									
Being in college. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
It’s true! You’re making your own rules. Why put labels on things?
stuart
									
Yeah!
dan
									
Okay. So…
elliott
									
“Hey, you’re that computer that wore the tennis shoes!” “Hey, I don’t like putting labels on things.”
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
“Just call me Dexter, which I guess—"
crosstalk
									
Elliott: “—is also a kind of label.” Dan: “Oh, god.”
stuart
									
Though you may—though you may think in binary, your relationships don’t have to be. You know? [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
So the—that’s—that’s a very open-minded, gender-fluid computer! That you’re portraying there, Stuart!
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yep!
elliott
									
And I appreciate that!
dan
									
So Dexter is, uh, prepping for this Quiz Bowl. He’s reading through a whole encyclopedia, Johnny 5 style.
stuart
									
Yup.
dan
									
And—he—the dean has, like, names of a bunch of smart students he wants on the team, but Dexter picks his friends.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Because I don’t—I don’t know why.
stuart
									
He picks that Skylar dude who’s… a real— [Laughs.]. Who’s something else.
dan
									
So— [Elliott laughs.] Uh—they’re on the—they’re in the quiz, and Dexter doesn’t wanna hog all the questions so he tries to feed his friends the answers?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And they are… such idiots that they can’t apparently— [Elliott laughs.] —just hear an answer and repeat it to the moderator.
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
So. Uh—
stuart
									
So they have some—they have a rocky start, but they still win, right?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, they still win. Elliott: Now, wait—I will—
elliott
									
I will say, Dan, I have been in that exact situation.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
And I was on—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —a quiz— Stuart: [Through laughter] On this podcast.
elliott
									
On this— [Laughs.] Yeah! [Laughs.] But I was on my high school Quiz Bowl team. We were in a Quiz Bowl tournament. And the answer to a question—it was this thing where it was, like, bird puns? Was the category?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And the answer to this one was—but it—it was the—one of these rounds where only the captain of the team could answer. And I was not the captain. Although I eventually took an Uzi and—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —pointed it at him. And I said, “I’m the captain now!” Stuart: Yeah, you don’t— [Laughs.] You don’t—you don’t— [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. You don’t have the—the—the force of charisma to be a captain, Elliott. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. I guess—you know what? In that movie it wasn’t an Uzi. It was probably an AK-47.
crosstalk
									
Dan: No. It was like a—just a rifle. Elliott: But anyway—it was like—
elliott
									
Like a colish—oh, it wasn’t even an automatic weapon?
dan
									
No, it’s an automatic rifle.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: They’re like, a bowcaster or something. Elliott: Well it—like— [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: A bowcaster or a ray blaster! Yeah. Dan: Guys, let’s look it up! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
It was a bat’leth.
elliott
									
It was a—it was a slingshot with an acorn full of gunpowder. Uh—so—he wa—so I—the answer to this one question was “Eat crow.” That was the phrase. And the captain was trying—was like, “I don’t know! What is it?” and I was like, “Eat crow!” and he’s like “E Crow?” “No, eat crow! Like the phrase!” “E crow? I don’t understand. What are you telling me?” And I was so frustrated. I was like, how are you a high school student who’s the captain of this academic team and you’ve never heard the phrase “Eat crow” before? Come on, man! So I understand it’s very—very frustrating. But. Guys. Here’s where this movie made a big mistake.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Stuart: Huge?
elliott
									
‘Cause it works on commission. Big mistake. Huge. [Stuart laughs.] So—their final category is—“The work of Marcel Duchamp.”
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
This one—my ears prick up, because I happen to be a particular aficionado of Marcel Duchamp. And—I may be wrong about this, but uh… seems to me—they identified one of his paintings as Nude Descending a Staircase, when in fact that painting’s title is Nude Descending a Staircase No. 2! Dexter, your team is disqualified! Get the fuck off the College Knowledge set!
dan
									
Oh, wow.
elliott
									
Guys, we just—were you as mad as I was that this 1960s Disney movie— [Dan laughs.] —failed to completely, accurately, relay the title of the painting that was the hit and also scandal of the Armory show of 1913?
dan
									
You know what? I’m gonna—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —cancel my subscription. Stuart: You just added— [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
You just added new depth to the—the scene where his friends just can’t get it. Like, they have to accept that they are not smart. And that’s kinda how I feel [though laughter] right now. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. So… the evil dean is like—or the other dean, let’s call him the other dean since he—yes. He’s not that evil.
crosstalk
									
Dan: And he wants— Elliott: Yeah, let’s call him—
elliott
									
Let’s call him “State School Dean.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Dan: State School Dean wants— Elliott: Which in any other movie—
elliott
									
—would make him the hero of the movie. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Wants Dexter’s dean to withdraw Dexter because it’s unfair. Uh—
stuart
									
Which is—is right. It’s—it—the—Teen Wolf logic.
dan
									
Yeah. Meanwhile, Caesar Romero’s watching these f—the finals.
elliott
									
I wish there were scenes of the state school dean electrocuting his students trying to get one of them to have a computer brain? [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
That’s what I was saying! That’s what this movie needs! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Let’s just—we’ve gotta replicate him! How many students have we electrocuted? 79! What are the results? 50 of them died. “Keep going! We need to win College Knowledge—” [Stuart laughs.] “—and that encyclopedia money!”
stuart
									
Yeah. He—he goes down in the basement, it’s just filled with, uh, coffins of Hugh Jackman’s body? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
“The cloning machine works great!” “I don’t care about the cloning machine. Clone one with a computer in his brain!”
dan
									
So. Caesar Romero’s watching the Quiz Bowl finals and he’s like, oh man, we missed out on this guy. We should have him in the—our organization. And Dexter answers a question where the answer is “Applejack,” which—like—causes him to start spouting Caesar Romero’s private casino info, ‘cause it—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —has triggered— Stuart: Yeah, it’s like a fugue state.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Applejack was one of the code words.
dan
									
Yeah. So—Caesar—
elliott
									
I guess—I assume—I assume the question was, “What breakfast cereal was sold for years, despite nobody liking it?”
dan
									
No, it was about the liquor “applejack.”
elliott
									
Oh. So not about the cereal Apple Jacks.
dan
									
Yeah. No, no, no, no.
elliott
									
‘Cause they were like, “What do kids love? They love apples, and they love the game jacks. Why don’t we combine them into one amazing cereal!”
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah. The—that chokes people?
elliott
									
Yeah, exactly!
dan
									
Okay. [Stuart frequently interjects to affirm Elliott as Elliott ponders the origin of breakfast cereal names and mascots.]
elliott
									
Much like with—with Froot Loops, they were like, “Kids love fruit. They love misspelling things. And they love loops! They like to close loops! Like in the hit book, Getting Things Done, where they talk about closing work loops. Kids love that. So let’s combine them into one cereal! Now who would be the best spokesman for this thing? It’s fruit, it’s loops—a toucan! Of course! Nothing says fruit and the shape of a loop like a toucan!”
stuart
									
Yep.
dan
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Okay. So kids love the cold. They like it when it’s a snow day and they don’t have school. Frosted. When things are frosted. And kids love flakes. Just shake their—just scratch their head! It’s full of dandruff! [Dan laughs.] They love those flakes!
dan
									
So many flakes.
elliott
									
And so—Frosted Flakes! Well, what says to me—ooh! Sugar-frosted skin flakes? Uh, a tiger! Of course! Yes, a tiger! Now, we’re gonna need some kind of slogan that tells people that the cereal is great. We can’t just come out and say, “They’re great!” Wait—why can’t we? Hold on a second! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh yeah.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Now here’s— Dan: Uh—
elliott
									
Wait, here’s my scene from the Mad Men episode that never got made about Frosted Flakes!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Stuart: Sure. Yeah. Elliott: They’re—it’s—
elliott
									
They’re up all night trying to figure out a slogan for the—for this cereal. And he’s like, “Well what—what do we think about them? Uh, they’re frosted, sugary, uh, crunchy—uh, what if we said ‘They’re Crunchy!’” “No, it doesn’t work. That’s wrong.” “Well, I mean, they’re just—they’re great!” “Hold on.”
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
“Say that again. What did you just say?” “I say they’re grreeat!” [Coughs.] Uh—wait, but you were [though laughter] coughing when you said it. So the “grrr” got extended! But we need a spokesman who could extend a “grr” for a length of time! Who should it be? Uh—some kind of a wolf? No, no, no. Wolfs howl! They don’t growl! Uh, like a bear? It can’t be a bear. Remember? There’s already Smokey Bear, and he’s a nightmare to work with. He’s a huge prima donna. Well what if it was like—a tiger? A real tiger? That people would—what—people would—it would eat the children! No, no, what about a cartoon tiger? A cartoon tiger. You mean like Cool Cat, the crappiest Looney Tunes cartoon there ever was? No, no, no. Not like Cool Cat at all. He’s the worst. Okay. A cartoon tiger. But he’s gonna have—
dan
									
Oh god.
elliott
									
So he’s naked? No, he has like a scarf around his neck. So like, an ascot. Okay. You sold me on it. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Okay. Well, I mean, that’s pretty good. It needs 90% more Don Draper talking about growing up around prostitutes, but— [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Yeah. He gets into the Frosted Flakes meeting and he’s like, “Y’know, ‘frosted’ is a Greek word meaning ‘I have a sad life.’” [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
I, uh—and—it’s—I’m glad you brought up neckerchiefs, ‘cause in this movie, the neckerchief for Dexter—Kurt Russell’s character—kinda represents his, like, hubris? [Elliott laughs.] And he has it wrapped around his neck when he is in his, like, primo cocky villain mode, but he removes it when he decides, no, I wanna support my friends. But go on.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Mm-hm. Yeah, the neckerchief— Dan: Yeah. So back to—
elliott
									
I think the neckerchief represents the noose that is knowledge, because knowledge—once you have knowledge of the world, inevitably you have knowledge of your own mortality. And so in a way he is casting off that noose and saying, no, I shall live, and I’ll be young. And I will refuse to look into the future.
crosstalk
									
Dan: So… Stuart: Like Odin.
dan
									
Uh… Caesar Romero panics ‘cause Dexter’s saying all this stuff on the air. He shuts down his casinos. He acts—he asks his henchman to kidnap Dexter?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Uh, Annie reports Dex is missing the next day and Annie and Pete start listening to a—to a tape of Kurt’s weird Applejack ramblings to try and figure out what’s happening.
stuart
									
Yep.
dan
									
And—
stuart
									
To find the hidden messages.
dan
									
They realize that the computer’s info was transferred to Dex’s brain, and uh… they—they—uh, tell one of his idiot friends—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —to go to the police? Stuart: Yeah. That’s—this is my favorite scene—
stuart
									
—of the movie. Is when they have figured out the whole plan, and… Skylar walks up— [Elliott laughs.] And he’s like, “Hey guys! Hey guys! Hey guys!” And they eventually acknowledge him, and then they explain the whole plot to him. [Laughs.] And I’m like, this is—this is not gonna [though laughter] work out. [Elliott laughs.] And of course, we then cut to a police station where the police are listening to the tape, listening to Skylar’s insane ramblings, and then he goes—he— [Laughs.] They’re like, “Okay, see ya later!” And he wanders off—and maybe it was ‘cause I saw The Irishman just, uh, like a day or two before? But I kinda felt like these [though laughter] guys were gonna kill him. [Dan and Elliott laugh.]
dan
									
But also, like, it seems like, okay, like—the point of this scene is this guy’s an idiot. Like, he’s rambling. Like, this message is not gonna get across to the police. But then later on, it seems like the police did understand him? [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Dan: So— Stuart: I mean, that’s the joke. Elliott: I think—I think—
stuart
									
That’s the joke at the end of the movie.
dan
									
Yeah, I guess.
elliott
									
Yeah. They—they just—they just distrust—he’s a real Jar-Jar Binks. Look, you don’t get Emperor Palpatine without a handy fool like Jar-Jar Binks to put him in that place, and you don’t get the unbelievably exciting house-painting climax of this movie without Skylar being a moron who confuses the police.
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Uh… okay. So… Pete and Annie follow one of the goons. They find, uh, Dexter, uh, being forced to pick winners in, y’know, whatever.
stuart
									
They’re coaxing him to pick winners by giving him chicken out of a— [Dan laughs.] —very nice bucket! [Elliott laughs.] Like, an overflowing bucket of chicken! And it’s a bucket that looks like the kind of, like, plastic ice bucket you would have at a—a [though laughter] hotel?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I mean, it works— Stuart: Does not look like a—
dan
									
—like a disposable bucket.
elliott
									
It works for me. I would give up—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —horse track winners. For chicken. Stuart: This must’ve been—this must’ve been—
stuart
									
—back in the day where you would go to a chicken place with your own bucket, and you’d be like, fill it up, sir! And they fill it up— [Elliott laughs.] —because, you know, once again, it’s just like how Kurt Russell only has one sweater. This is a different time, guys. This is when—we didn’t live in a disposable culture.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, it’s more environmentally… Stuart: Where you would buy a sweater—
stuart
									
—throw it out the next day and buy a new sweater.
elliott
									
No, no. This would be like if you were—if you were going to Kentucky Fried Chicken, you would dress up. This was a night out!
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Um, men would wear a tie and a jacket; women would wear pearls. And you would go and it was like, y’know, the old plantations of yore, and you would, uh, it would be a taste of—
stuart
									
Uhh…. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
—kind of, like, taboo luxury! Because it was built on evil, but at the same time, who wouldn’t wanna live that more, uh… sedentary lifestyle? Of—
stuart
									
Uhhh… not if it’s built on the backs of, uh, slave [though laughter] labor, Elliott!
elliott
									
Yeah, I mean, well that’s—that—they got to have the fantasy without the cruel, cruel reality of it. But anyway, at the time, Kentucky Fried Chicken was, y’know, it’d be a place you’d go on your anniversary. Not like now, when KFC is a place that you throw a cat through the window of— [Stuart laughs.] [Through laughter] —because you’re so—you’re so dismissive of it. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Okay. Well, anyway. The gangsters are gonna get as much juice out of Dex as they can, and then they’re going to dump him in Navajo Lake. Which seems like—a kind of a grim development for the tone of this movie otherwise.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
crosstalk
									
Dan: But uh—so—but they— Elliott: I mean, are they definitely—
elliott
									
—gonna kill him, or they’re just gonna—as a prank—just throw him in the lake? [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Oh, maybe that’s it. Maybe they’re just be—you know, and they’re gonna like—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean, they do talk about what they’re going to do with the body. Dan: Yell “World Star” or something. Elliott: [Laughs, then continues through laughter.] Yell “World Star!”
stuart
									
It—I mean, you don’t refer to—to doing something with someone’s body if they’re alive, right?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh—usually not. Dan: Yeah, that’s true.
elliott
									
I guess that’s true. Uh—I—maybe they’re gonna take the head, because that’s where the computer is. And just—
dan
									
So you’re—
elliott
									
He’s portable! And they’ll just throw the body away.
dan
									
That song about your body being a wonderland? He’s talking about a corpse.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] A cor—yeah.
dan
									
Okay. Let’s—
elliott
									
I mean, who—who but a corpse would sit there and listen to that song? [Dan and Stuart laugh.]
dan
									
So—okay. The kids—
elliott
									
Oh, and also that, “I’m in love with your—the shape of you? I’m in love with your body song?” Oh, that’s about a corpse. Wow. This is all—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: This is opening up a whole new world of necrophilia in popular music. Stuart: Oh, man. Some—let’s grab some more [though laughter] fucking— Dan: Wow.
stuart
									
—adult contemporary bullshit [though laughter] please. [All laugh.]
dan
									
So, uh, the—the—his friends are gonna save him. They’re gonna pretend to be housepainters— [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Love it!
dan
									
The clear—clearest, uh, y’know plan. And uh they show up saying, like, “Oh, we’re here to paint the house!” And the goon’s like, “Hmm. Let me check on this.” [All laugh.] [Through laughter] “I didn’t order any house painters!” And he calls the number, and they confirm that they’re housepainters—another friend on the other side. It’s like the Art Vandelay’s Seinfeld trick. [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And yeah, they’re housepainters, alright! Dan: Uh-huh. And he’s like, okay!
elliott
									
He’s like, well, even though we didn’t hire them, I guess you’re professionals, so go to town, everybody! I’ll pay you whatever you agree is—is the right thing to be billed!
stuart
									
I like the guy—there’s one of the guys is wearing—they’re all wearing coveralls, uh, ‘cause they’re painters and that’s part of the costume and you gotta—y’know, you gotta wear the costume in order to get into the character. Uh— [Elliott laughs.] And underneath his coveralls, he’s still wearing a turtleneck. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. So back at the quiz show, uh, Dexter’s dean is freaking out and accuses the other dean of—of doing something, and… the other dean is pretty smug for, like, not actually having anything to do with the scheme.
elliott
									
Here’s my guess: the other dean did have a scheme to kidnap Dexter. And he thinks that it went like a charm.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, I see. Stuart: Oh, yeah.
elliott
									
So he thinks that he did it.
dan
									
So, uh… the painters—the fake housepainters— [Elliott laughs.] —are funneling paint into the gangster’s cars’, uh… uh, gasoline?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Tanks? And—
stuart
									
And they’re currently painting the house orange [though laughter] and green.
dan
									
Yeah! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
And Caesar Romero shows up, and is understandably upset about his crime house being swarmed by painters—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
—who, like—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Painting it the most— [Laughs.] Dan: —are doing the worst job. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
—painting it so obvious!
dan
									
Like, even—even people who are not professional housepainters can paint a house— [Elliott laughs.] —better than what they’re doing!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Elliott: I mean, to be fair— Dan: It’s all in, like—

									
—patches of different colors!
elliott
									
[Through laughter] To be fair, they’re not really trying to paint [though laughter] the house! [Laughs.] I think—
dan
									
That’s true.
elliott
									
They’re—they’re not, like, hey, as long as we’re doing this, let’s do it right. This is—this is all just a cover so they’re not trying that hard.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
But hey! They’re missing a—the scene they should’ve had here, and this would’ve fit into that Joker prequel idea—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
Is if one of them was so sloppy that they had a big house brush full of white paint and they just slapped Caesar Romero in the face with it, and even painting over his moustache.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Creating the Joker look!
stuart
									
Wait—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Well, speaking— Stuart: Wait, does the Joker—
stuart
									
—does the Joker have paint on his face? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Uh—uh—uh— [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.] Have you seen the Joker? [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
No, I haven’t. It’s in the movie theaters, and I only watch things from the comfort of my own home!
elliott
									
Oh, fair. Good point. Fair. Good point. Yeah, yeah.
dan
									
So speaking of Caesar Romero, he’s like, uhhh, henchman, what’s going on with all these painters? And the guy’s like, no, I called the phone number! They’re cool. And— [Stuart and Elliott laugh.] —Caesar Romero’s like, let me try. And so he calls the number, which is like a public phone at the dorm, and this real dick of a student [though laughter] answers it. And just kinda fucks with Caesar Romero for a while, and—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —blows the whole scheme. Stuart: I think he—I think he’s the real hero of the movie.
dan
									
Yeah. So the gangsters try and sneak Dexter out of the house in a trunk.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
But the housepainters actually—actually shove it out a window.
stuart
									
Uh-huh! And they start like, blasting these dudes with paint. It’s like—
dan
									
Yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
A fucking—it’s like the videogame Splatoon. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
And in the—in the fall, Dexter hits his head. Which I presume is the, uh, the cause of what happens later on, uh—uh—De—so they escape, and the gangsters can’t follow because of, uh, the uh, gas in the—or the paint in the gas tank. So they follow in a—like, a dune buggy. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah, like a little jalopy— [Elliott laughs.] —covered in flower stickers.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Now, was that theirs or was that one of the student’s? How did that get there?
dan
									
I don’t know. Well—like—it’s just like— [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.] This is one of the Disney live action movie wacky chases. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do they steal it from one of the, like, wacky racers or something? Dan: And so they need a wacky vehicle for a wacky chase.
elliott
									
Yeah. It’s just like—I guess in the Disney world—live action world, dune buggy—brightly-painted dune buggies are just everywhere.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Mm-hm.
dan
									
So the kids almost make the car skid out by, like, putting paint on the road—
stuart
									
Yup.
dan
									
They’re like, throwing stuff at the gangsters with—
stuart
									
There’s a great little touch where they make the car skid out, and it—you can see there’s a sign, uh, next to the road that says, “Slippery When Wet”? And you’re like, okay! I guess it checks out!
dan
									
Yep. [Elliott laughs.] Uh—
elliott
									
This movie did the math! And the—and the—and the jazz score is just screaming—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Mm-hm. Elliott: —over this whole chase sequence.
dan
									
There’s—there’s more bad rear-screen projection, and the gangsters like crash and they get launched through a haystack so just their heads are popped out on the other side. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah, it’s great.
dan
									
Uh, and the cops show up—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —‘cause they actually followed up. Elliott: And of course, if this—
elliott
									
—was a modern movie, then a cow would’ve shat all over their faces. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
That’s true.
elliott
									
But seeing as this is a ‘60s Disney movie, that did not happen.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
So… the kids get Dexter out of the trunk, and he’s—his head is ringing and he can’t straighten his legs ‘cause he’s been all cramped up in that trump—trunk, and they take him into the quiz—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
And now Dexter’s starting to have a hard time with answers. He’s beginning to forget his—this is the end part of Flowers for Algernon.
stuart
									
Yeah. Yeah.
dan
									
As he re—re—re-stupid-fies himself, and uh—
elliott
									
A very tasteful way to put that, Dan. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Well… [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
It’s very sensitive way to put that.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. That’s—he’s—he took—he lifted that from the Wikipedia summary of Flowers for Algernon. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Now—and—here’s—and when he’s—so he’s having trouble answering the questions, and he kind of has to force the answers out of his throat in this croaking—like, struggling sound. And I think it’s—is it supposed to be funny? ‘Cause it sounds like he’s having a series of strokes.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And I was really worried about Dexter. Like, it sounded—
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
—like he was in pain!
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah. No he—he’s—y’know, he’s—this is taking all of his energy. Until finally he passes out—like a dying computer—and—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —they get the— Elliott: Is that what happens to dying computers? Is they pass out? [Laughs.] Stuart: Uh-huh. Yeah. Dan: [Through laughter] They pass out.
dan
									
Well, I personify all my electronics, Elliott. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
That’s like—when your computer—when your computer breaks, you just throw water on it and go “Wake up! Wake up!”
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] Yup. Stuart: Mm-hm.
dan
									
I put some, uh, smelling salts— [Elliott laughs.] —under the computer. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
You’re just slapping it in the face lightly. Hey! Hey! Don’t fall asleep! You might have a concussion, computer! You’re forcing black coffee into the computer’s speaker. [Laughs.] Like, come on! Snap out of it!
dan
									
Medfield is neck-and-neck with the other team, uh, they get down to the last question and one of Dexter’s non­-computer teammates knows an answer for once, at the last second.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And they win the—the thing. Which I guess comes with money that helps the college?
stuart
									
Yeah, that they’re gonna spend on, uh, plumbing.
elliott
									
They went—they get $100,000 from the encyclopedia company ‘cause this was the ‘60s. Encyclopedia companies were flush with cash before the internet kinda put them out of business.
dan
									
And the gangsters show up covered in paint, and they start trying to get Dex again, but uh… the police arrest them. And at the end of the scene, it’s a cyclic—cyclical movie. We’re back where we started, in a meeting— [Elliott laughs.] Where Quigley is back to ask for a piece of equipment—this time an electro-helio-spectrograph.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
And, uh, Annie says to Dexter, “If we ever get one, don’t fool around with it, okay?” And that’s the story of The Computer That Wore Tennis Shoes.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
As written in the stars. [Laughs.] [All laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Was that the case?
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yup.
elliott
									
So Dan, you were really excited to watch this movie.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
How did it hold up in your—you saw it as a kid, and you were like, “I love it. I’m gonna base my life on it. I’m always gonna wear tennis shoes and I’m gonna beep and boop, and I’m gonna—if I go up to a woman getting off a plane I’m just gonna kiss her,” y’know, “on television.” So how did it—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —hold up to your memories? Stuart: And you’re gonna own a singular sweater.
elliott
									
Just— [Laughs.]
dan
									
Um… well, I will say this: I, uh… like… I think it was last night—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
My girlfriend was like, oh, did we ever watch the movie for the—the podcast? And I was like, yeah, yeah, we [though laughter] watched it. [All laugh.] The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes. And she’s like, oh yeah! But I understand, because, like, if I did not have these notes, I would not remember a damn thing about this movie. [Laughs.] Like—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Uh, let’s skip to final judgments. Good-bad movie, bad-bad movie, movie kinda like. I—I’ll keep talking. I—like it—it feels like… a… TV movie much more than, like, a normal movie. And it feels like… like… sort of a [though laughter] notion for a movie more than—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
—an actual film.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Uh… Uh, I would say… it’s bad-bad with the caveat that, like… I still kind of enjoyed it? [Laughs.] On a certain level. And… y’know, if you have a child who…
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
You know, like, you could do worse. [Elliott laughs.] Like, there’s nothing—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Mm-hm?
dan
									
—like, particularly offensive. Like, it would distract them for a while.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
I’m sure they wouldn’t wanna watch it in this modern world where there’s many better children’s—Uh…
stuart
									
Mm-hm. There’s—I mean, Paw Patrol exists, Dan. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
But anyway. That’s—that’s what I have to say about that. This movie.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Uh, yeah! I mean—I’d certainly give this movie… I dunno, a Disney? Two Disneys?
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
What’s the scale? So is that good or is that bad?
stuart
									
I mean, it’s Disney. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
So is this Disney+ or just Disney? There’s no plus.
stuart
									
Oh. [Laughs.] Oh, it’s always plus. Uh— [Elliott laughs.] I dunno. I mean, this is—I mean, this is a—uh… if you’re a fan of Kurt Russell, uh— [Elliott laughs.] —and you wanna see—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Through laughter] —an old movie with him— Elliott: [Through laughter] Then you’ll love The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
—I mean, you’re not gonna love it! I’m—I’m under no illusions of that.
elliott
									
If you liked—if you love to skate from L.A., you’ll love The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes!
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean, it’s—it’s—it’s not particularly good. I don’t think there’s any real reason to watch it.
elliott
									
It does—yeah. It feels like a—this movie probably accomplishes what it set out to do, which is to make something that will occupy a child for a certain amount of time so that their parents can run errands? Or finally have a quiet intimate moment? For physical affection?
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Or—y’know, like—or just take a moment to take a nip of something intoxicating.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
So they can get through the rest of the day with this crazy kid who just needs to be occupied for a little bit of time. But uh—
stuart
									
Yeah! It’ll fill a Sunday afternoon timeslot.
elliott
									
Yeah! But it is—I—I agree Dan. It feels—it really feels like a—a TV movie, and I was hoping that it was gonna be crazier than it was!
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Every time the movie starts to get really silly, it pulls back. And uh… probably due to budget reasons? But uh… yeah. I don’t know—I don’t know if it fits into our usual ratings. I didn’t really like it, but it’s not that bad, but it’s not like… super silly fun. Y’know.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
stuart
									
I mean I—I feel like that probably falls into the “bad-bad,” but whatever.
elliott
									
No, I think—you know what? I’m gonna go with Stuart’s on this one. I’m gonna say it’s a Disney.
stuart
									
Yeah. You’re right.
elliott
									
Yeah.
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
promo
									
Music: Dramatic, movie trailer–esque music. [The hosts use very "announcer" voices in this promo.] Mark Gagliardi: We interrupt the podcast you're listening to to tell you about another podcast! That's right: We Got This with Mark and Hal. Hal Lublin: That's correct, Mark! This is Hal. We do the hard work for you! Settling all of the meaningless arguments you have with your friends. Mark: So tune in every week on the Maximum Fun network for We Got This with Mark and Hal, and all your questions will be asked... and answered. Hal: You're welcome! [Music reaches an apex and quiets down.] Mark: Alright. That's enough of that. Chorus: [Singing] We Got This!
promo
									
[Sound of a gavel banging three times.] Music: Upbeat music plays under dialogue. Speaker 1: Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. Speaker 2: Judge John Hodgman ruled in my friend’s favor. Speaker 3: Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. Judge John Hodgman: I’m Judge John Hodgman. You’re hearing the voices of real litigants. Real people, who have submitted disputes to my internet court, at the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I hear their cases. I ask them questions—they’re good ones—and then I tell them who’s right and who’s wrong. Speaker 1: Thanks to Judge John Hodgman’s ruling, my dad has been forced to retire one of the worst Dad Jokes of all time. Speaker 3: Instead of cutting his own hair with a Flowbee, my husband has his hair cut professionally. Speaker 4: I have to join a community theatre group. Speaker 5: And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals. Judge John Hodgeman: It’s the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Find it every Wednesday at MaximumFun.org, or wherever you download podcasts. [Sound of a gavel banging three times.] Speaker 1: Thanks, Judge John Hodgman! [Music ends.]
dan
									
Alright! Let’s uh, take a moment to honor our sponsors. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Honor them? [All laugh.]
dan
									
Honor them with an ad—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —that they’ve paid us to read! Stuart: Yeah, let’s—take your—
stuart
									
—take your hat off, Elliott. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] I will. I should be standing right now, yeah?
dan
									
Uh— [Laughs.] Uh, The Flop House is sponsored, uh, in part by Squarespace. Now, Squarespace allows you to turn your cool idea into a new website! Blog or publish content.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Sell products and services of all kinds or pretty much anything else you would desire your website to do. Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful, customizable templates created by world-class designers. With everything optimized for mobile right out of the box, a new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions and free and secure hosting. Uh—
stuart
									
You know you’re doing a great job with that, Dan!
dan
									
Thank you.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Mm-hm. Dan: Thank you very much.
elliott
									
Yeah. He did—that was wonderful. You really honored them.
dan
									
I want you to go to Squarespace.com/flop for a free trial. And when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code “flop” to save—
elliott
									
Now—
dan
									
—10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
elliott
									
Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt there. Uh—Dan, I had an idea for a—for a website, and I was hoping—I was wondering if Squarespace could help me. Now—
dan
									
Uh, most likely.
elliott
									
It strikes me that this movie—it opened up a world of marketing opportunities in a—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
—in a demographic that I never thought of before.
stuart
									
Sure.
elliott
									
This computer wore tennis shoes—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
How often have you seen a computer with shoes on it?
stuart
									
Well, that’s a good point!
elliott
									
Almost never! And yet clearly the appetite is there, and—
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
—there’s already a show company called “Zappos”—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Yep. Elliott: —and yet as far as I know— [Stuart regularly interjects to affirm Elliott.]
elliott
									
—it has nothing to do with somebody being zapped with electricity and be—and switching places with a computer. And so I think there should be a website called TheRealZappos.com, where we sell shoes for computers. Now here’s the thing—every time you buy a pair of shoes at TheRealZappos.com, we will donate a pair of shoes— [Stuart laughs.] —to a needy computer in another country. Here’s another idea, guys, for a website.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Oh, wow. Great.
elliott
									
Based on this movie. Okay. So—Kurt Russell got a computer in his brain, right?
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Yeah.
elliott
									
It stands to reason Kurt Russell’s brain is trapped in that computer right now. That this was a real Vice Versa, Eighteen Again, Like Father, Like Son, Trading Places, brain switcheroo. Wacky Wednesday—in Trading Places they didn’t switch brains, right?
stuart
									
Uh, no, I think they trade, uh, the places they’re in. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Okay.
stuart
									
Not the brains in their bodies. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] They’re not trading the place that their brain is in.
stuart
									
No, I mean, their brains remain in the same place.
elliott
									
Okay. So—we gotta—this is a company—it’s called HeyMyBrainIsTrappedInAComputerHelpMe.com. And this website would be for people whose brains are trapped in computers. It’ll be easy to log on ‘cause their brain is already in a computer, and they can notify us. We will then notify their next of kin that their brain is trapped in a computer—
stuart
									
Oh, okay.
elliott
									
—and that they should do something about it.
stuart
									
Yeah. That’s—that sounds pretty helpful, Elliott.
elliott
									
So think of it as a way to notify the people who are important in your life that your brain—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
—is trapped in a computer. That’s HeyMyBrainIsTrappedInAComputer.com. You can easily remember it ‘cause of the jingle: [singing] “Hey, where’s my brain? It’s not in my head! It’s trapped in a computer.com!”
stuart
									
Yeah. It’s uh, like a subscription service, right?
elliott
									
Yes. Very much so.
stuart
									
It’s like an insurance. So you—you—you’re making sure—in case your brain gets trapped in a computer. You know.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: You know, Dan. Elliott: Hey, in this—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: You know what I’m talking about, right Dan? Dan: I know what you’re talking about.
elliott
									
In this modern world, you gotta be prepared for anything. Who knows—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Any eventuality. Yeah. Elliott: —what could happen?
elliott
									
And it seems like everything is computers these days! With the beeps and the boops and the kids with the screens and everything? So, HeyMyBrainIsTrappedInAComputer.com. Again, there’s that jingle that I just said. It’s very memorable. [Singing] “Hey, where’s my brain? It’s not in my head! It’ strapped in a computer.com!”
dan
									
So… I’m starting to regret sending the only Jumbotron we have to, uh, Elliott—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —this week. Because— Elliott: [Cheerfully] Hey, everybody! [Laughs.] It’s Jumbotron time! [Laughs.]
dan
									
Because he was talking so much just now. Stuart, is there something you wanna say in-between times that might—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —like, give us a little breather? Stuart: Yeah! [Sighs.] Wow! Uh—
stuart
									
Guys, I uh—I guess I have something prepared here. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] Uh… [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
You don’t have to.
stuart
									
I… have always wanted… to have your attention for just a minute. Starting from the top—let’s get going. [Elliott laughs.] Um… okay! Uh, before I start, Dan, did you have anything you wanted— [Elliott laughs.] —to go over?
dan
									
Uh… yeah. I will—I wanted to say thank you to Erica? Who, uh, has been worried about the fact that I always seem to be sick on the podcast? This is very— [Stuart and Elliott laugh.] —of-the-moment. So Erica, to help my immune system, sent me some elderberry syrup that, um, theoretically helps, uh, bolster the old immune system. And I’m supposed to take a teaspoon a day. And I’ll tell you, it is delicious. [Elliott laughs.] Unlike most medicine, elderberry syrup [though laughter] is delicious. [Elliott laughs.] Mostly because it’s probably just berries and sugar. But—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm. Yeah. Elliott: Yeah.
dan
									
Elderberry has been used apparently for centuries in, uh, in medicine. So.
elliott
									
Yeah, that’s why it’s “elder!”
stuart
									
Great.
elliott
									
It’s very old! Centuries! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
So I guess that’s all the time I have. Elliott, I guess it’s your time, to, uh…
crosstalk
									
Stuart: To—to get it. Dan: Yeah. Give us the Jumbotron?
elliott
									
[Singing] Hey, everybody! It’s Jumbotron time! Time for the biggest of trons! Jumbo! Jumbo! [Someone giggles.] [Still singing] The biggest size that trons come in these day! Maybe someday we’ll see the fabled Ultra-Jumbotron! A tron even bigger than a Jumbotron! Ultra-size! Ultra-size! Ultra-Jumbotron. Ultra-Jumbotron, he’s here to save the world; monsters attack our cities! But Ultra-Jumbotron is here! He’s a friend to children, a friend to animals—Ultra-Jumbotron, be dear. It’s Ultra-Jumbotron! Brought to you by Fujikowarahakawi Industries. So our Jumbotron today—
stuart
									
No, I kinda liked that one. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah, that was not bad.
elliott
									
Okay. So uh, the call to action is—hey! This is about Celmates podcast. I want you to find Celmates podcast on your podcast delivery system of choice. And it’s CelmatesPodcast.com. Let me explain! Quick! What’s your favorite animated movie about a fractured relationship that’s fixed by someone turning into an animal? If you have an answer, you should be listening to Celmates Podcast! Celmates—with one L—C-E-L-mates—is a show where hosts Kate Phillips and Dick Ward compare, contrast, and generally throw a Venn diagram over two animated movies. We tell you how the afterlife of Coco compares to that of Spirited Away; we discuss with Stitch or the Iron Giant is the more lovable killing machine. So, that’s Celmates! Find the Celmates podcast—C-E-L-mates—on your podcast delivery system, or at CelmatesPodcast.com!
dan
									
Okay.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: No, that’s great! Elliott: [Singing] Hey, do you hear that sound!
elliott
									
[Still singing] It’s the rumbling sound of a Jumbotron walking away! [Stuart laughs.] [Still singing] Jumbotron time is over! And now that Jumbotron has his own business to deal with. It’s personal. It’s private and he doesn’t feel the need to explain it to you! Bye, Jumbotron! I love you!
stuart
									
I, uh… I feel like we encouraged him by saying nice things about the first [though laughter] song. [All laugh.] Diminishing returns.
elliott
									
I feel like you guys are—I feel like you guys get the worst of me, because, uh, so for the I, Podius podcast, I’ve been recording with John Hodgman, which will hopefully be finished and released before the end of the year—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —at least— Stuart: Does he not—
stuart
									
Does he not have patience for your malarkey?
elliott
									
No, no! He—I—well I—uh, he does not. So I do less of it. But also, I recently performed a song on it that I wrote ahead of time? And I feel like—
stuart
									
Wow!
elliott
									
—I am betraying you guys by just giving you the off-the-top-of-my-head songs, whereas the song that I wrote for that one I actually sat down and wrote the lyrics the night before. And it’s a parody of a real song, so it has an actual tune.
stuart
									
Oh, okay.
dan
									
Uh… let’s move on. To letters.
stuart
									
Oh—okay.
dan
									
From listeners! Like you. The first letter is from Daniel, last name withheld.
elliott
									
McCoy.
dan
									
Who writes: “I’d like to start—uh, blah, blah, blah,” I don’t know. [Stuart and Elliott laugh boisterously and at significant length.] I’ll just skip the part where— No.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Dan— [Breaks off, laughing.]
dan
									
I forgot to edit out the part where he says he likes the show, which I try and do—
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Well, no—no—but—no, but I—you did edit it. Just now by saying “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” [All laugh.] You—you gave it such a—
stuart
									
Yadda, yadda, yadda!
elliott
									
It had such a dignified— [Stuart laughs.] —opening, and then immediately was—you were so dismissive. It’s like, uh, the uh— [breaks off, laughing.] As if the president was coming out to the State of the Union, and on the news they’re like, “And okay—there’s the sergeant-at-arms, he’s announcing the president. Now the president is ascending to the podium, and he is beginning to shuffle his papers and—okay—and now, the State of the Union. Here is the president. Eh, he’s just gonna say a bunch of bullshit. Let’s cut away.”
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
That’s what that was like.
dan
									
Uh… okay. Sorry. Uh, [makes incoherent noises] to give Daniel, last name withheld, the respect he deserves, I’ll start over here.
stuart
									
Okay. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Um—Daniel wants to know if we have experienced some form of entertainment or media that was good-bad but wasn’t a movie. “Surely movies are the richest vein, but it’s something I found to be, uh, elsewhere, too! For example, the Sonic racing game—Sonic R, for the Sega Saturn, is a good-bad game in my opinion, as running into walls over and over again is low polysonic and listening to the cheesy soundtrack is enjoyable/humorous, but not the same type of enjoyment you’d find in an actually great game. What are some good-bad games, music, books, or other you’ve experienced? Thanks for the laughs! Daniel.”
dan
									
The first thing that came to my mind is I have a couple of copies of—collections of Fletcher Hanks comics? This guy with anger problems who wrote, uh, superhero comics sort of early on in—like, when superhero comics were not such a thing? And people were still figuring out what they were? [Elliott laughs.] And there was a much lower barrier to entry to, uh, write and draw them? And… they’re all these, like, horrible power fantasies where… like, the su—one of the superheroes, like, twists, uh— [Laughs.] Twists the gangster’s necks around into like weird shapes, or turns them into skeletons or something, and—
elliott
									
Is that what Stardust the Wizard does?
dan
									
Yeah, basically. And like—I don’t know! It’s—they’re—they’re so hard to explain. They’re like what someone—again, with an anger problem—might draw if someone vaguely explained the notion of what superheroes are to them.
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Uh, and they’re—not pleasurable in the normal way, but they’re fascinating.
stuart
									
Yeah! This is a hard one! Like, I feel like movies work so well because they’re such a, like, short finite thing? That you can get—you can like enjoy a dumb thing and you know it’s gonna be over soon. Like, I’ve tried to read books that I knew were not going to be very good, like, I— [Laughs.] I tried to read The DaVinci Code as fast as possible once. Uh, and, uh… yeah! I mean, it was—it was—took far too long. And then it’s tough to also, like… and like, with… like, with, uh, music for instance. Like, there’s stuff that—there’s a lot of times where you’ll start listening to something almost ironically and then pretty quickly realize, no, I actually like this dumb song! Or I like this song about battling wizards or whatever. Uh… so I—I—I don’t really have [though laughter] many good answers, unfortunately!
dan
									
No, I think that’s a fine stance to take.
elliott
									
I was gonna—actually, Fletcher Hanks was someone I was gonna mention, too, but in—along a similar vein, uh, there’s the mystery author Harry Stephen Keeler? Who was writing mostly in the ‘30s or so, the ‘20s and ‘30s. But I guess for a while. And, uh, one of his books, The Riddle of the Traveling Skull, was, uh, re-released by McSweeny’s a while ago. And his writing is bonkers? And his mysteries make no sense? It’s, uh, in the—I think it’s in the book X Jones of Scotland Yard that, uh, the murderer’s—the murderer’s identity is revealed in a footnote on the last page? [Laughs.] [Dan laughs. Stuart joins in.] That after—but uh, it turn—when it turns out that they flying strangler baby that the police suspect is actually a midget disguised as a baby who has a tiny little helicopter so he doesn’t leave footprints when he kills people? But uh, he wrote such books as The Face of the Man From Saturn, The Case of the Transparent Nude, The Spectacles of Mr. Cagliostro, uh, The Man with the Magic Eardrums, uh, and his writing is—is bonkers and crazy. And he wrote tons of books. Just, like, constantly. Uh, and so his writing is occasionally problematic? As I’m sure any—much writing from that time is? But uh—
stuart
									
I mean, using the term “midget” is problematic.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It—shouldn’t it be “Little Person”? Elliott: Yeah. That’s true.
elliott
									
It—it should be Little Person. And uh… but his—his books are just… crazy. So.
dan
									
Alright! Uh… moving on to a letter from George, last name withheld, who writes: “Hey Peaches! What up, what up! I happen to really like the Zebra Model F301 pen. Uh, it’s both sleek and sturdy while still being easy on the pocketbook—under $3!” I hope this is not, uh, buzz marketing. But anyway. “For these reasons and others, it’s a popular pen. So popular that I find I notice it being used in films and TV shows frequently and I get a little jazzed up when I see it.”
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
“You all seem to write a lot—" [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah, you— [Laughs.] You look down at your pen and you’re like, “I didn’t know you were in the pictures!”
dan
									
Mm-hm. [Elliott and Stuart laugh.] “You all seem to write a lot. While I understand that much writing is done on computers these days, I would still be interested to hear which pens you all prefer. Just one more thing—are there any other objects that you have a particular affinity for, and thusly are pleased to see in media? Well, see ya later! George, last name withheld.”
dan
									
I like—there’s a type of pen called Expresso? It’s like—it’s—it’s called— [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Uh, it’s Nes-presso, Dan!
dan
									
Ex—Expresso. It’s like, a very fine-tipped, it’s like a porous-point pen. It’s—it—like, it gives you a black line that like… is similar to a really fine-point, uh, felt tip? But it’s—it’s like a harder point? It’s not—does not have that felt point, and uh, it’s what I use to draw with for many years and I still prefer to get them to—to write with. And as to other objects, I have some kind of retro, like, you know, like Scotch glasses that have etched kind of squares on the side? And I remember seeing them on Mad Men and feeling very cool. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah!
elliott
									
Oh, yeah!
stuart
									
Yeah, you would—you would lean over to the person you’re watching Mad Men with and you’re like—“Those are my glasses!” [Dan laughs.] I, uh… well, uh— [Laughs.] Any affinity I used to have for Mortimer Ichabod pen is now gone. But uh… I… no, you know? I—I’m a sucker for… BIC mechanical pencils. Like, the just… y’know, the multicolored, uh, like, clips? The little plastic ones where you just, y’know, you click the, uh, eraser part? And then I would say… uh, oh!  And—when I was making my own comics, I was always a huge fan of using Crow Quill pens? Y’know, the—where you dip in the India ink? Just because it was a skill that I had to teach myself? And that when I got, uh, when I got pretty functional—I would never say, good, but—when I got functional with it, I felt like… this is a skill that I’ve learned and now I want to practice it and use it?
dan
									
Yeah. Those are definitely ones you have to practice on. But once you get, uh, at least somewhat adept you can get great variety of line and it’s good for crosshatching and so it’s just a very nice pen.
elliott
									
I have no opinions about pens. So I guess when— [Stuart laughs.] —you guys start the spin-off, The Ink House, it could just be the two of you and you won’t have to deal with my—my nonsense!
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Okay.
stuart
									
I feel like that—we would mine a very, uh, specific niche. [Through laughter] That is probably underserved in the podcasting. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
I think—I think it’s funny that—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —you’re the— Stuart: I mean, I—
stuart
									
I’m probably an asshole and there’s probably, like, some really good-ass calligraphy podcast [though laughter] out there. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
I think it’s funny that you’re the one with the least opinion about it, because you’re also the one who… carries a notebook around with himself and uses it most frequently to jot down notions.
elliott
									
Well, that’s the thing—I use the—I—I write so much with pens that I just get cheap pens.
dan
									
Right.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Like, I don’t wanna spend a lotta money on pens ‘cause I go through ‘em so fast. I always have at least two to three pens in my pocket at any given time. Because people are always borrowing them and not giving them back, but I just get, like, real cheap pens that are irritating to use because I don’t want to spend a lot of money on them!
dan
									
Hm. Interesting. Last letter! From Monty, last name withheld—
elliott
									
Python.
dan
									
—who’s—who says: “Hello, Peaches! I recently became a high school custodian, and it has made me aware that we are typically either unseen—like in Rither—Riverdale or Buffy—or nonexistent, like, when a professor goes to fix the plumbing in The Boy Next Door. The only school custodians I can think of are Groundskeeper Willy, from The Simpsons, Mr. Branca from Bob’s Burgers, and the—spoilers—eponymous strangler in Teenage Strangler. Do you know of other school custodians or janitors in fiction? Particularly ones that actually play a role in a movie’s plot? Rhyme-ily yours, Monty, last name withheld.” [Elliott laughs.] I’m gonna open this up to all janitors or custodians. I think it’d be a little hard otherwise. But the one that immediately springs to mind is the guy in The Breakfast Club, who’s, like, “Hey! Hey, principal! These—you know, you’re just an asshole!” Like, “These kids aren’t so bad!”
stuart
									
Yeah. Yeah.
elliott
									
I mean, I was gonna talk about how there’s a—there’s a movie about a janitor at a college and how he was a genius? And it’s called Good Will Hunting? And he’s— [Dan laughs.] —the star of the movie?
stuart
									
Oh, yeah, yeah!
elliott
									
And he’s the janitor?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Wow. Elliott: But he doesn’t spend that— Stuart: Dan, do you like—
stuart
									
—apples? [Elliott laughs.] How do you like those apples?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: But I have to admit that— Dan: I don’t actually like apples that much. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
And I think—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —they’re usually pretty mealy. Not a favorite fruit of mine. Stuart: Oh, then I guess—wait, let me take that back Elliott: [Through laughter] Okay. Then forget it. Do you like—
elliott
									
Well, what’s a fruit you like? Like, tangerines? Satsumas?
dan
									
I got—I like a mango!
stuart
									
Okay. Okay. Jordan. Edit all that stuff out. [Elliott laughs.] Let’s do this part.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Through laughter] To say—okay, Dan. Stuart: Dan, do you like—
stuart
									
—these tangerines? [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
No, I didn’t say I like tangerines.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Dan, do you like mangoes? [Laughs.] Dan: I like Tangerine Dream! They did some good soundtrack work.
elliott
									
Dan, do you like mangoes?
dan
									
Uh, yes, I do.
elliott
									
Okay. Well I’ve got a Chris Kattan character I think you’re gonna like. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Oh no!
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Oh no!
elliott
									
Uh—and uh, there’s a—which is the movie—is it Zapped? Which is the movie where there’s a janitor and he gets high and it doesn’t have anything to do with the rest of the movie?
dan
									
I think that is Zapped. I think that might be, like, Scatman Crothers or something.
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. I think you’re right. But uh, I was—if you—if you move it beyond just school janitors, I’m gonna mention my favorite janitor in any movie. That would be the robot janitor in the movie Rotor. Who—this is a movie about a crime-fighting robot that goes berserk and instead goes on a rampage. But the lab already has a robot that serves as the janitor, and seems to live his own life and have a functioning AI and just be, like, a regular person? And he’s maybe my favorite robot in the history of cinema. I’ve talked about him before. He’s great.
stuart
									
Uh… yeah! I actually— [Laughs.] I—I just finished playing through a videogame called Control? Where… The uh… this isn’t a school janitor, but the, uh, the—the bureau’s janitor seems to be this, like, otherworldly entity that dispenses knowledge and weird side-quests. Uh, so that was pretty cool. And uh… also—and—for a school janitor, there’s that Canadian comedy TV show, uh, Todd & The Book of Pure Evil? I think is what it’s called? Where Jason Mews plays a, uh, school janitor who’s like, uh, supposed to be a super-cool dude? And if it’s played by Jason Mews, you know it’s true! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Mm-hm. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yep.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Classic cool guy!
dan
									
Okay. I think we’re done, uh, narrow casting to school janitors now and we can—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —move on to the next— Stuart: Uh-huh. Elliott: I mean, this—
elliott
									
This is what you said after you spent a while talking about pens also.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. Dan: Yeah, I thought—
dan
									
—this week I was like, eh, let’s get really granular—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —with the questions. Stuart: Yeah! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Let’s get—let’s get specific! Let’s recommend movies that, uh, would probably be a better use of your time than The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Anyone wanna go first? Or shall I?
stuart
									
Uh, I’ll go! Uh, I’m gonna recommend another movie that’s on a different streaming service, uh, than the one we watched. Uh… I am going to recommend a movie called Wounds? Uh, it’s directed by Babak Anvari, the director of, uh… of Under the Shadow. Uh, this is a movie where Armie Hammer plays a New Orleans bartender? Who is a real fucking mess, and he is a fuck-up in his personal life, and he… also, uh, finds a telephone that seems to be a portal to Hell. Uh… it’s a weird movie because it kinda tries to be both a horror movie and a story of this guy’s life falling apart? Because of his own bad decisions? And it kinda succeeds at both? Uh, and there’s some really creepy stuff in it. It’s one of those horror movies that, uh, elicits either like… a normal rating, uh, on like IMDB or whatever rating service, or, like, a 1 out of 10 stars. Like, it’s the kind of horror movie that makes some people very angry. Um… because of whatever expectations. But I thought it was fun and gross and weird, so, uh. And, y’know, it’s got Dakota Johnson in it, Zazie Beatz, Armie Hammer, as I mentioned.
dan
									
Hm. Those are good people.
stuart
									
Uh-huh! And you will consider most of them to be underused!
dan
									
Oh yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh, but I still liked it. Dan: But I mean—
dan
									
Let me recommend a movie that I, uh, saw a while back, uh, rewatched last night. Called A Face in the Crowd. Uh, directed by Elia Kazan, it’s a movie about a… a… sort of…
crosstalk
									
Dan: —huckster? Elliott: Face?
dan
									
No, like a—like, a hucksters—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —character— Elliott: Oh, so he doesn’t have a face?
dan
									
Who become—he rises to prominence through know—understanding how to work the media, and, uh, eventually gains political power even though he’s a monster. And I have no idea why that might be relevant, uh, in this modern world, but we’ll move on, and uh… it stars Andy Griffith, uh, and if you’ve ever—if you only know Andy Griffith from, uh, The Andy Griffith Show or Matlock, uh, you will be surprised maybe by his performance here, which is intense and frightening, uh, while still, y’know, having enough sort of like genuine charisma that you understand why people would fall under his spell. Patricia Neal is in it; she’s very great as the woman who unwisely falls for him? And it also has a young and—confusingly—sort-of handsome Walter Matthau in it! And uh… I’m not often actually a fan of Elia Kazan’s movies? I find them to be a little stage-y and slow? A lot of the time? But this one, the filmmaking is more kind of jazzy and impressionistic and intense and, uh, yeah. I—I—I like it. A Face in the Crowd.
stuart
									
I, uh, I’m—I really like it when you take, uh, take an actor that you normally know, uh, doing one specific thing and see them in a, like— Especially when you have a character that’s normally a good guy and see them get to play a bad guy.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
I’m gonna recommend—I recently, uh, took a chance to revisit the movie Candyman, which should’ve been a Shocktober recommendation ‘cause it’s a horror movie, but—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. I think it’s an ever— Elliott: And in—
stuart
									
It’s an—it’s an every time recommendation, Elliott.
elliott
									
It’s—it’s a—it’s an all year-round recommendation! And I was like, oh yeah! I forgot that this movie is as good as I remember it being. And so, uh, if you haven’t seen it and you think it is just like any other kinda slasher-y type movie? It’s not. It’s real atmospheric and, uh, the acting’s real good in it, and—I would—I would go as far as to say this is the best of the Clive Barker movies. Would you guys agree with me on that?
stuart
									
Uh—-well, I’m—it’s—it’s probably the—I don’t know. I’m such a sucker [though laughter] for the first two Hellraisers.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Yeah.
elliott
									
I actually, uh—
stuart
									
But—I mean, but Candyman is very good. I would—eh, it’s—it’s easily on par.
elliott
									
Yeah.
dan
									
And—and Candyman, I think, is one of the best movies—best horror—like, it’s one of the horror movies that pulls off the whole… “No one believes me,” and that being as horrific as the—the bad guy thing the best. Like… the—the lead—Virginia Madsen—really feels like she’s in a trap. Kind of in the movie.
elliott
									
Yeah. And they do it—usually when you watch those movies you’re like, why don’t you just tell somebody what’s happening? And here that is not an option, and also everyone thinks that she is eventually becoming a psycho murderer. Uh, so yeah! It’s—
stuart
									
And it’s such—and it’s such a great performance from Tony Todd. Like, what a—what a, like, a career-making performance.
elliott
									
Yeah. So it was just—it’s, uh, I was like, oh yeah! Hadn’t seen this movie in a while, and it was as good as I remember it. So if you wanna watch a horror movie, then you should watch Candyman! If you wanna watch a movie about delicious candy and the man who makes them—
stuart
									
Oh, no.
elliott
									
—then maybe Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Might be more your—your speed? Uh, or if there’s, uh, like a documentary about the Hershey’s Corporation? Do that. Just—I—I cannot stress this enough: Candyman is not actually about candy. Let me just say that.
stuart
									
Very deceptive title.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. It’s not about— Stuart: Uh, and you should—
stuart
									
—watch it now! I think that’s one of those, like, movies that’s in—in line to be remade! So you should watch the current one and, y’know, in preparation for a remake!
elliott
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Guys, we did it. We kept it relatively short. I—
crosstalk
									
Dan: I appreciate it. Stuart: Oh, great!
dan
									
My—my throat appreciates it.
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Before we go, we should say thank you to our donors, who keep us afloat.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
You are by far, uh, the reason we can still do this. Thank you to the network, who provides us a framework for that sort of thing? And, uh… supports us and… uh, produces a lot of other great shows. Go to MaximumFun.org to check that out, other shows. Um—Tweet about us, uh… Instagram about us…
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Sure. [Laughs.] Yup! Elliott: Mm-hm. Yeah.
dan
									
TikTok about us.
elliott
									
TikTok about us. Periscope about us if that still exists. Does it?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. On— [Laughs.] Only fans about us? [Laughs.] Elliott: Facebook Live about us? [Laughs.]
dan
									
Leave a positive review on iTunes, as I always say—if it—if you have negative feelings? You know—
crosstalk
									
Dan: There’s enough of that in the world. Stuart: Keep it to yourself!
dan
									
I mean, if you feel like you must share it, I’m not gonna stop you! I’m not gonna come to your house and stop you, but… y’know, it would be nice if you said something nice about us on iTunes.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Oh, yeah. Stuart: Yeah, that’d be great.
elliott
									
Always! And, uh, y’know, maybe, uh, on Letterbox?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Is that a place you can talk about podcasts?
stuart
									
Uh, probably, yeah!
dan
									
Yeah, you could stick in the middle of like, a—a review of something.
stuart
									
In, like, the body of a review. Not the title. ‘Cause that would con—be confusing.
elliott
									
That’d be crazy. People would think that we were a movie, which we’re not.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Hey, guys! I—I—and I’d love to hear from, uh, from our listeners, uh… we’re—so we’re talking about our live shows for next year. If there’s a city you’d like to see us in, let us know! I’m promising nothing. But uh—
stuart
									
Mm-hm!
elliott
									
Let us know if you want us to come by! Maybe we will!
dan
									
[Coughs.] Alright. So, uh… that’s all—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —for this time! Stuart: Let’s, uh, let’s put Dan to bed. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Next time—I wanna tease!—next time, uh, our… 300th Episode! Which also happens to land on Cage-mas, so.
elliott
									
It’s the conjunction of the planets! As was fable-y—fable—as was foreseen! [Self-mocking.] Fabled. [Regular voice.] As foreseen in the prophecy! The prophecy that stated that after 300 episodes, we would continue doing this.
stuart
									
Did your—did your granny tell you that—that prophecy? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Imitating Southern accent] You know my—my grandmama always told me—
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Yep.
elliott
									
—that 300 episodes would fall on Cage-mas. And, uh… at the time I didn’t know what any of that meant. [Dan laughs.] But now, you were right, Grandmama. You were right. And that’s when the demons came in. Cut to: 5,000 years in the future.
stuart
									
Awesome. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Uh, alright. Well, thank you for listening, as always. For The Flop House, I’ve been Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
I’m still Stuart Wellington.
elliott
									
And I’m Elliott Kalan! Now feeling like I picked up Dan’s sickness over the internet. Is that possible?
stuart
									
Yep.
dan
									
Yeah, I mean—
stuart
									
If anything, it’s the premise of this horror script I’m writing! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
The sickness is strong in me, Elliott. [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. Stuart: Goodbye, everyone!
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
stuart
									
Streaming on Disney+—or is it [goofy voice] Disney minus? [High-pitched elongated… laugh?]
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
See, just turned into Snarf at the end there.
stuart
									
[Laughs.] Yeah. I think Elliott’s is better. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
I dunno.
speaker 1
									
MaximumFun.org.
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
—Audience supported.
About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.
Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.