TRANSCRIPT One Bad Mother Episode 450: You Are Not The Worst Parent! with Glenn Boozan

00:00:00

Biz Ellis

Host

Hi. I’m Biz.

00:00:01

Theresa Thorn

Host

And I’m Theresa.

00:00:02

Biz 

Host

Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.

00:00:21

Music

Music

“Summon the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums.

[Continues through dialogue.]

00:00:25

Biz

Host

This week on One Bad Mother—you are not the worst parent! We talk to writer-comedian Glenn Boozan about how to prove it. Plus, the gang’s all here for Biz!

00:00:37

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz and caller: Woooo!

00:00:38

Caller

Caller

This morning, my daughter asked if she could get in the shower with me and I said, “Sure.” And then she said, “Mommy, why does your bellybutton look like that?” And I said, “Well, because I had two babies.” And she said, “Mommy, your bellybutton looks sad. It looks like a frowny face.” And I said, “Well, you know how when you blow up a balloon and it never quite goes back to the way it was? That’s kinda what happens when you have babies. But you’re worth it.” So, y’know.

[Biz laughs.] 

She’s doing a great job. I’m doing a great job. We’re all doing fine here. But I just had to call someone and tell them [through laughter] exactly how honest kids can be. Alright. Have a great day! Bye.

00:01:23

Biz

Host

First of all, you’re doing a wonderful job. This is such a great example of—[Laughs.] The pebbles that are slowly stacked on parents. Like, I—yeah, obviously, our body changes in many ways if a child comes from your body. And to be honest, when a child is in your house, however they got there, it can also have a deep affect on your body. The color of your hair. [Laughs.] The quality of your skincare. Many, many things. And… we all accept it. We all know it. We’re all working for body positivity. But man! I am tired of honest children sometimes. I get comments on hair, skin, hand skin? Like, why—[Laughs.] “Why does your hand look so old?” “’Cause I am. Move along.” 

Y’know, when they see your naked body. This is a deeply personal moment. And so I personally never let my children see [through laughter] my naked—my naked body! I remember I was probably maybe… a tween? Maybe Raiden’s age tween? And I saw my mother’s bare behind. I… was horrified. And years later, I caught a reflection of my own behind. And I said, “What is my mother’s behind doing here?” [Laughs.] So I just—I don’t wish this for my children! Anyhoo. I think you’re doing an amazing job. I think you have a beautiful bellybutton, and yeah! Maybe your bellybutton isn’t very happy right now! You can’t even have a private shower with your bellybutton! You’re doing a great job. 

Speaking of great jobs, it’s time for thank-you’s.

00:03:23

Music

Music

Heavy electric guitar and driving percussion overlaid with “Ohh, oh-oh, oh-oh” and “Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey-ey” lyrics.

00:03:37

Biz

Host

Well, the thank-you journey has been long. And has no real reason to come to an end. Because the pandemic is not over. Illness is still lurking about all the corners, despite how much we try to make it feel as normal as possible. So today, I’m just gonna keep it—again—sort of simple. And today I wanna say thank you to all of the people who especially at the beginning of the pandemic and have continued through the pandemic to be shoppers. Right? Like, when we’re like, “I need a coffee! Somebody bring it to me!” [Laughs.] “I need—I need two cans of canned tomatoes, some baby formula, and a bottle of red wine. Somebody bring it to me!” Somebody is bringing it to us. And they are in the stores, dealing with our very specific lists. They are having to deal with the decision-makings when something’s not there. With unhappy “us”es. All sorts of things. And I just want to say… I see you, and I appreciate that you are doing that job. It is a hard job, and I see you. So thank you. 

You know what else is happening, everybody? [Singing] My sister is in towwwwn! [Regular voice] That’s right—Helen Michelle is here! Not here in the studio, and by “studio” I mean my bedroom. [Laughs.] She’s not here in my bedroom. But she and my brother-in-law—[singing] Lexxx!—[regular voice] have come out to California. They are gonna be here for two weeks—not with us for two weeks. They’re with us for a few days in Pasadena and by “with us” I mean in a hotel room down the road. And then they’re gonna do some adventuring and then they’re gonna come back for Easter. But right now my house is filled with the smell of pot roast. Helen Michelle has been asked by my father to make my mother’s pot roast. 

And I had to witness how this pot roast was made this morning, and it is… very old-school, Southern cookbook-style, like, Stefan apparently was at the store with her and he was like, “Do you need carrots?” She’s like, “No.” “Do you need celery?” “No.” “Do you need stuff for stock?” “Nope! I need two cans of cream of mushroom soup and a two-pack of onion dip. Dry.” So I took a little video of my sister preparing [through laughter] the pot roast. So look forward to that on the internet. It may even come out before this episode airs. Surprise. But my house is filled with the smell of delicious pot roast. So… that is wonderful! It is wonderful that my sister is willing to make that. It is wonderful that my mother shared her very secret recipe with her. They are both doing a great job. Which is not how we always feel about ourselves as parents. And that is why we are gonna have a delightful conversation with Glenn Boozan, with her new book There Are Moms Way Worse Than You: Irrefutable Proof That You Are Indeed a Fantastic Parent.

00:07:18

Music

Music

Banjo strums; cheerful banjo music continues through dialogue.

00:07:20

Theresa

Host

Please—take a moment to remember: If you’re friends of the hosts of One Bad Mother, you should assume that when we talk about other moms, we’re talking about you.

00:07:26

Biz

Host

If you are married to the host of One Bad Mother, we definitely are talking about you.

00:07:30

Theresa

Host

Nothing we say constitutes professional parenting advice.

00:07:33

Biz

Host

Biz and Theresa’s children are brilliant, lovely, and exceedingly extraordinary.

00:07:37

Theresa

Host

Nothing said on this podcast about them implies otherwise.

[Banjo music fades out.] 

[Biz and her guest repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss the weekly topic.]

00:07:43

Biz

Host

This week I am so excited to be talking to Glenn Boozan, who is an author and recent WGA Award-winning TV comedy writer! Kaboom! Having worked on shows such as I Love You, America with Sarah Silverman and Conan with Conan O’Brien. [Singing] Welcome, Glenn! [Regular voice] You know? Wait, before actually I finish my “Welcome, Glenn” song and dance, you’re missing something from your bio. And that is information about your new book that looks like a children’s book but it’s for adults.

[Glenn laughs.] 

Called There Are Moms Way Worse Than You. So we gotta tag that in—

[Glenn laughs.] 

 —when you’re doing the parenting circuit. You should do that. So with that said, welcome, Glenn.

00:08:30

Glenn Boozan

Guest

Thanks, Biz. This is really—it’s great to be here. [Laughs.] 

[Biz laughs.] 

00:08:35

Biz

Host

Everybody’s like, [unconvincingly] “It’s great” and then I just giggle and fall out of my chair. 

[Glenn laughs.] 

Before we get into the book, who lives in your house? [Laughs.] 

00:08:44

Glenn

Guest

So I live in my house, just me! 

00:08:47

Biz

Host

You lucky person! 

00:08:50

Glenn

Guest

I know! I don’t wanna start off with a brag, but it’s just—[Laughs.] 

00:08:53

Biz

Host

No, it’s a good brag. You should. It’s—look. Everybody gets to brag. So.

00:08:58

Glenn

Guest

Thank you. I will say rotating cast of animal characters, because I love a good dog-sitting moment. So I dog-sit quite a bit for my family and friends ‘cause it’s very fun. But other than that? Yeah! Just me!

00:09:13

Biz

Host

Okay. Among your family and friends’ dogs, who’s your favorite?

00:09:18

Glenn

Guest

This is a rude question, and you’re rude for asking it!

00:09:21

Biz

Host

You’re welcome!
 

[Biz laughs.] 

You’re welcome! I know! I am here to cause trouble! [Laughs.] 

00:09:27

Glenn

Guest

[Gasps.] I feel like I’m gonna get in trouble for saying this, but also… I think everyone knows. It’s my brother and sister-in-law’s dog, Charlie. 

00:09:37

Biz

Host

See? I knew. Charlie is a better dog.

00:09:39

Glenn

Guest

And the name immediately popped into my head. I can’t lie. 

00:09:42

Biz

Host

Yeah. No.

[Glenn laughs.] 

It’s fair. Everybody kinda knows Charlie’s the best? So I mean… just might as well say it. Y’know. Christmas will be weird or—Hannukah. Whatever we’re celebrating. Whatever holiday we’re doing with the dogs—‘cause it’s really about what they like—we’ll all know. And it’ll be awkward.

[Glenn laughs.] 

But it’s okay. Charlie gets an extra treat.

00:10:05

Glenn

Guest

Yeah. He does. [Laughs.] 

00:10:07

Biz

Host

Yeah, he does! Because he’s the best. I gotta tell everybody—Glenn, in this house of isolation—[Laughs.] That Glenn lives in. There is this swan wallpaper. 

[Glenn laughs.] 

Behind them. That is so magnificent. And it makes me want to—A, it makes me clearly want to move my hands as if I am a swan.

[Glenn laughs.] 

But it is magnificent! And—Gabe? Can we take a picture of the wallpaper? Do you—‘cause I don’t know where my phone is. Hold on. 

00:10:41

Glenn

Guest

I’ll get out of the way.

00:10:42

Biz

Host

No, you get to be in it!

[Glenn laughs.] 

You get—just like that! Perfect! Just half your face. Just—[Laughs.] Just, “ooh!” Alright. We’ve now talked about all the really important things. And I think I’ve allowed you to say two words. So let’s move on.

00:10:56

Glenn

Guest

No, this is great!

00:10:58

Biz

Host

To—[Laughs.] To your book, There Are Moms Way Worse Than You: Irrefutable Proof That You Are Indeed a Fantastic Parent. We gotta start with the really boring, obvious, basic first question.

[Glenn laughs.] 

Why did you write this book? Why did you think—like, how did you—‘cause you—you start by saying that this is for the mothers in your life. Especially your sisters, Alex and Amber. So talk to me about the book. And Alex and Amber and whatever else.

00:11:35

Glenn

Guest

Yes. So those are the women in my life who are mothers. And I asked if my mom wanted to be in the dedication and she said, “No, no, no, no, no. Don’t put me in there.” And so I put her in the author bio instead. [Laughs.] I was a little sneaky. As a little dig. And she thought that was funny so that was fine. 

[Biz laughs.] 

But yes! So the book came about—actually this was a year or two ago? And it was like mid-pandemic and I was hanging out with my sister, Alex. And she was taking care of a toddler, pregnant with her second. Freaking out about, y’know, the pandemic parenting issue and she was worried about, y’know, if she was socializing her kid enough. If her kid was eating the right things. Just all those sorts of mom spiraling—you know, obviously. And I was stunned that she was worried about feeling like a bad parent, because—and I’ve said this before, but—my niece’s favorite food is radishes and her favorite hobby is reading. So my —

00:12:27

Biz

Host

Ah, your sister might be a witch. [Laughs.] 

[Glenn laughs.] 

00:12:30

Glenn

Guest

Yeah! She was like, born to be a mom. She’s incredible at it. She’s, y’know. So I was sitting there like, “Why are you—from anyone else’s objective standpoint, you’re an incredible mom!” And so—again—what I wanted to say to her in the moment—I wish I had some sort of beautiful, timeless quote about motherhood and generational love and blah, blah. [Biz laughs.] But—

[Biz laughs.] 

But I’m a dumbass, and so instead—

[Biz laughs.] 

I just sort of said, “Well… I don’t know. You know, hamster moms eat their babies, so.”

[Biz laughs.] 

“At least you’re not that!”

00:13:10

Biz

Host

Yeah! At least you’re not eating them. Yet. [Laughs.] 

00:13:13

Glenn

Guest

Right! So I said that, and she laughed. And she sort of—it made her feel better! And she sort of was able to start calming down. Y’know, her panic. And I was like, “Oh, man. That’s nice!” It’s—y’know, having a new mom in your life, y’know, there’s only so much you can do to ease their worry and anxiety and whatever. And I was like, “Oh, if I could even do that a little bit, fantastic.” So I actually—this book was a Mother’s Day poem for her. So I took that idea and I ran with it and I wrote it for her as a Mother’s Day poem. And then I asked my manager, I was like, “Oh, I’d love to like get illustrations for this. Do you know somebody who illustrates?” And he was like, “Wait, what did you write? What is this?” And then them and his wife—

[Biz laughs.] 

 —read it. And they were like, “Wait a minute, this could be a book!” And I was like, “Oh, that’s—yeah, sure!”

[Biz laughs.] 

So it’s funny. I wrote it for my sister, and then because of how long it takes a book to get made? I didn’t show her until like… two years later. [Laughs.] 

00:14:07

Biz

Host

Her kids are in college.

00:14:09

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Glenn: Right. She forgot.

Biz: She’s over it. 

00:14:10

Glenn

Guest

She forgot she was ever worrying about anything. So —

00:14:14

Biz

Host

I gotta tell ya, two things jump out in this story. One, we could talk for hours about the need for us as a society to remember—I mean, your book is sort of these extremes of these things that animals do. But like… I drop the kids’ food and stick it back on the plate all—I’m alright! Everybody’s alright. Y’know? Your kid shits in the tub?

00:14:41

Glenn

Guest

Hey, they’re getting fed. [Laughs.] 

00:14:43

Biz

Host

Yeah! You clean it up and then you get in the bath. Like, it’s all—like, the pressure—like, that anxiety comes from somewhere. Oh, by the way, in no parenting book besides our is gonna tell you about the shitting in the tub.

[Glenn laughs.] 

00:14:56

Glenn

Guest

That one really gets me. [Laughs.] 

00:14:58

Biz

Host

Yeah! It’s true, though! You will feed a baby while you’re sitting on the toilet at some point in time in your life! This is just a thing that’s gonna happen! So—so like in the middle of all that to sit there and think, “I’m ruining everything!” It’s like, that’s so unfair. I’m so over people having to feel like shit for being a parent. And I have to say… you do a remarkable job communicating that in the book. And I—we, every once in a while, will have people on the show who, y’know, don’t have kids. And we’ll have all these kinds of games like, “What do you wish your friends knew who had kids?” Or “What’s really helped—let’s talk about those kind of communication issues.” And I gotta say, I know that there are stereotypes about—or preconceptions. Not stereotypes. Preconceptions about people without kids. None of which are anybody’s fucking business.

[Glenn laughs.] 

But how are you so empathetic? 

[Glenn laughs.] 

Is it just—what is it? What happened?

00:16:00

Glenn

Guest

Thank you! Yeah. [Laughs.] I don’t know! So —

00:16:04

Biz

Host

Do you just have eyes? Are you just a person in the world? [Laughs.] 

00:16:08

Glenn

Guest

So the metaphor that I use all the time? Is that I feel like—as someone without parents, I feel like people with—or—no. I have parents. What am I —? Sorry. Let me start over.

00:16:20

Biz

Host

“Dear Mom, I am so sorry.” [Laughs.] 

00:16:23

Glenn

Guest

“Dear Mom and Dad!” I have a lot of parents! [Laughs.] 

[Biz laughs.] 

00:16:26

Biz

Host

I have 232 parents, guys! I have a ton!

00:16:31

Glenn

Guest

Honestly, I have a stepdad and my dad’s girlfriend he’s been with for like twenty years. I have too many parents!

00:16:37

Biz

Host

You are overparented at this point in time.

00:16:39

Glenn

Guest

I know. Too. Many. So the metaphor I use as someone without children—I watch people who have children—

[Biz laughs.] 

Like somebody at home on their couch watching ice skating at the Olympics?

00:16:53

Biz

Host

Oh, that’s a good one.

00:16:55

Glenn

Guest

And so the judges at the Olympics are the other parents who are like former ice skaters or they know the niche and they know, like, “Oh, that wasn’t a triple axel. That was a two-and-a-half axel or whatever.” And I’m sitting there at home going, like, “Oh my god! Can we just give everyone a gold medal? This is incredible!” [Laughs.] 

[Biz laughs.] 

Because I don’t—it all just seems hard and impossible! And so —

00:17:18

Biz

Host

I mean, it is. [Laughs.] 

00:17:19

Glenn

Guest

Yes! Right!

00:17:21

Biz

Host

It’s very difficult!

00:17:22

Glenn

Guest

Yes! So that’s how I view it. 

00:17:24

Biz

Host

I actually—I love that comparison. Because it’s very similar to the idea of—like, whenever I’m in the car and I see a person with a child—really of any age—and groceries. I think, “God. You deserve—everybody should get out of their car and applaud this person!”

00:17:47

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Glenn: A Purple Heart. They deserve a Purple Heart. Yeah. That’s—oh my gosh. 

Biz: “’Cause they went to a store with a kid! And they came home with groceries!” Like, that —

00:17:56

Biz

Host

But like, I don’t think—

[Glenn laughs.] 

What the book does is it allows people who are looking for ways to be supportive of their friends and family with kids, to do it in a fun way. And to be reminded that maybe we don’t have to take everything so seriously and so hard. And it rhymes, which is nice. 

[Glenn laughs.] 

That’s like a—a requirement. But animals really do do horrible things as parents. Is there—[Laughs.] Is there—I mean, are you just an animal nerd? Did you have to do a little research? Some of these animals I’ve never even heard of. Yeah.

00:18:37

Glenn

Guest

I did. I had to become—and the science community is gonna kick my ass for saying this—but I had to sort of become a little armchair zoologist for a minute. Because I needed to find—I was like, “Oh, I want more examples than just a hamster.” And then my editor found some really good animals, too. And then after I wrote the poem part of the book—or like the rhyming section, the juice—everyone was like, “Well, we wanna know more about these facts because it’s crazy!” So that’s why the appendix is in there. Yeah.

00:19:08

Biz

Host

The appendix is so good! 

00:19:10

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Glenn: That was harder to write than the book.

Biz: Supporting the facts! [Laughs.] 

00:19:13

Biz

Host

I mean, they’re so good—supporting the fact that these animals are really awful. Like, we’re not trying to make you feel better, necessarily, by making it up. We’re making you feel better by facts. Like… [Laughs.] 

00:19:26

Glenn

Guest

Yeah! Exactly! It’s just the truth! 

00:19:28

Biz

Host

[Through laughter] So many—there’s some fantasy moments. I’m like, “I want to be a rabbit and leave my children.”

[Glenn laughs.] 

“I want to hide my children in somebody else’s house. They were yours.” 

[Glenn laughs.] 

00:19:42

Glenn

Guest

I love the illustration that Priscilla—she’s the illustrator —fantastic. She’s also so funny.

00:19:46

Biz

Host

Oh, she’s so good.

00:19:48

Glenn

Guest

She came up with a lot of the ideas for the illustrations, too. Like the eagle one where she has the money in her hands, watching her kids fly? Like, that was her idea. So she’s very funny.

00:19:57

Biz

Host

Well, does she have kids? 

00:19:59

Glenn

Guest

She has a new baby. Like a year old.

00:20:01

Biz

Host

Oh, a new baby. I was wondering. Because the book—this is why I’m asking. The book. The outside, it is very reminiscent of a series of books that we adore by an author named Mo Willems, and he does these Piggie & Elephant —I mean, the illustrations don’t look like it. But every cover has Piggie & Elephant in this sort of—and then on the back it looks like this. And I thought that was such a nice nod because we have eight million of them.

[Glenn laughs.] 

And they’re wonderful and he saved everybody’s life in the pandemic by doing a little “Drawing With Mo Willems” thing throughout the pandemic. So it made me go like, “Does the illustrator—” But if they’ve got a baby, they don’t know. Yet. Maybe they do. Maybe they’re just like a baby —

00:20:48

Glenn

Guest

I’ll ask her.

00:20:49

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz: Yeah! Now—everybody stop! Get the call. Call up—[Laughs.] 

Glenn: [Laughs.] Call her up! Call her up! 

00:20:54

Glenn

Guest

Get Priscilla on the line!

00:20:56

Biz

Host

Is there anything after writing all this that made you feel… one way or another about parenting? 

00:21:05

Glenn

Guest

The thing that this made me realize about parenting? Was that—and this was after it had been released. After it released. I realized how many parents are so hard on themselves? I thought—I expected it was a lot, but so many moms are… and dads! Who—and there’s a part about dads in the book as well.

00:21:27

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz: Yeah! I saw that you do have horrible dads as well. Yeah. 

Glenn: I included moms and—yeah. Yeah.

00:21:31

Glenn

Guest

There were some that were just so good I couldn’t resist. But that so many people who are trying their best, who are just… who are doing a great job! Are so hard on themselves.

00:21:45

Biz

Host

Oh my god. All I can imagine right now is like… an animated TV show with a human parent and—you’re probably already working on this. And all the animal parents.

[Glenn laughs.] 

 So like the mom’s like, “He won’t eat his cracker!” And then the giraffe mom’s like, “I know. Doesn’t it suck?” And then just kicks the child across the room! Right? And you’re like, “Ohhh.” I don’t think it would last long. Might be a one-timer.

[Glenn laughs.] 

00:22:08

Glenn

Guest

Yeah. One episode and then all the animals kill their children and then the human’s like, “I’m gonna move away from this town.” 

[Biz laughs.] 

00:22:18

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Glenn: Where animals also live. Yes.

Biz: [Through laughter] Why am I living with all these animals?! This is a really weird place for me to be!

00:22:22

Glenn

Guest

“This school district is bad!” 

00:22:24

Biz

Host

[Through laughter] I think so! I think this is a weird charter school, guys. Like I —

00:22:30

Glenn

Guest

I knew charter schools were fishy, but this is crazy. 

[Both laugh.]

00:22:35

Biz

Host

I love it! I wanna wrap up on… like you were saying, “Oh my god, people feel like shit all the time.” Have people reached out and responded to you regarding the book? 

00:22:46

Glenn

Guest

Yeah! I’ve had a few people say, y’know, thank you or whatnot. Which has been just—I mean, if I sold one copy, that would be worth it. Like, it’s so nice. Also, somebody going out of their way to say something nice to you? Is really still kind of blows my mind because I grew up before the internet? Like, or I mean I was around for like computers and—but like, Facebook came out when I was I think in college or high school or something like that. So I was around pre-internet where it’s like, it’s still crazy to me that people can just sort of in a moment reach out to you and say something?

[Biz laughs.] 

And I’m like, “Man, it’s so nice that that is a thing that you can do! And that people do that!” I don’t know. I’m just—I’m very grateful for people’s reactions so far.

00:23:32

Biz

Host

I am very grateful for you pointing out that the internet can be used for nice things. [Laughs.] 

00:23:37

Glenn

Guest

Yes! [Laughs.] Seriously. And to be honest, a couple—like, I’ve seen a few critiques of the book that are saying, like, “I’m really worried that toxic parents like my mom, who was abusive to me, is gonna use this as, ‘See? I’m not a giraffe mom! Blah, blah, blah!’” And I hope… that isn’t how people use it. [Laughs.] 

00:23:59

Biz

Host

Yeah. 

00:24:02

Glenn

Guest

I don’t know if you wanna put this part in the podcast. [Laughs.] 

00:24:04

Biz

Host

I do, but I hope so, too! I think… I think if… one were to have a person in their life who would try to use the book that is—that is obviously a fun time, just trying to put a different lens on it. People can turn flowers into garbage. So I just think that’s out of your control. And so I—you’re welcome. It’s been five days since I last confessed. I’m absolving you.

00:24:39

Glenn

Guest

Thank you! [Laughs.] 

00:24:41

Biz

Host

Of your concerns and fears. And I wanna say thank you! Because it is ridiculously unfair, the pressure that people put on themselves. Especially when kids get into their house. And you won’t know what’s coming! I think women live in a world in which—where it is just piled on them since the beginning. So then when they have a kid, here come all these expectations of how you’re supposed to fucking love it. And like, be great at it. And everything you do or see is like a symbol of how—what kind of job you’re doing. So I really am happy this book is out in the world. Thanks for putting it out there.

00:25:21

Glenn

Guest

That is so meaningful. Thank you.

00:25:23

Biz

Host

No, it’s great! So everybody? We all know Mother’s Day is coming!

[Glenn laughs.] 

And we all know that we have a mixed bag of feelings about what that fucking means.

[Glenn laughs.] 

But! If you would like to get a book that is just a good, fun time and supportive of new parents in your life—or old parents in your life, not that any of us wanna be called “old parents.” 

[Glenn laughs.] 

Please go look for—you guys all know where to buy books. 

[Glenn laughs.] 

There Are Moms Way Worse Than You: Irrefutable Proof That You Are Indeed a Fantastic Parent by Glenn Boozan. We’re gonna link everybody up to where we can find it. And we probably should just have you back to, y’know, talk about the TV and fun stuff like that, too. And what you’re working on next!

00:26:09

Glenn

Guest

Would love! Sure!

00:26:11

Biz

Host

Yeah! That would be a lot of fun! Thank you so much for joining us. 

00:26:14

Glenn

Guest

Thank you, Biz. This was so, so fun.

00:26:16

Biz

Host

Oh, thank youuuu! 

[Glenn laughs.] 

00:26:19

Music

Music

“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds.

[Music fades out.]

00:26:37

Music

Promo

Cheerful ukulele with whistling plays in background.

00:26:38

Biz

Promo

One Bad Mother is supported in part by Bombas. Bombas’s mission is simple: make the most comfortable clothes ever, and match every item sold with an equal item donated. So when you buy Bombas, you are also giving to someone in need. I could be a walking billboard for Bombas socks. They are the socks that I wear every day. They last forever. They are comfortable. And what’s nice when you’ve got little kids? Or older adults living in your house—they also have lots of socks that have the little grippy stickies on the bottom so you don’t go sliding down the stairs! Not only do I love the products that Bombas makes, I also love that they donate one of every item that you buy to someone in need. Go to Bombas.com/badmother and get 20% off your first purchase. That’s B-O-M-B-A-S.com/badmother for 20% off. Bombas.com/badmother. 

[Music fades out.]

00:27:49

Music

Promo

Inspirational keyboard music plays in background.

00:27:50

Biz

Promo

One Bad Mother is supported in part by KiwiCo. Why do flowers bloom? How do caterpillars turn into butterflies? Spring brings along new curiosities and a chance for kids to connect with the world around them. KiwiCo delivers monthly science and art projects that celebrate a child’s natural curiosity and sparks a love for lifelong learning. My children and I have done a ridiculous number of KiwiCo Crates. All of the projects that they send out are age-appropriate. They are fun. Many of them, your kids can do on their own and many are things you can do with your kids. They even have kits that maybe an adult might like to do! [Laughs.] So step into spring and celebrate this season of discovery with a KiwiCo subscription. Get 30% off your first month plus free shipping on any Crate line with code “badmother” at KiwiCo.com. That’s 30% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code “badmother.” 

[Music ends.]

00:28:59

Theresa

Host

Hey, you know what it’s time for! This week’s genius and fails! This is the part of the show where we share our genius moment of the week, as well as our failures, and feel better about ourselves by hearing yours. You can share some of your own by calling 206-350-9485. That’s 206-350-9485.

00:29:19

Biz

Host

Genius fail time. Genius me, me!

00:29:24

Clip

Clip

[Dramatic, swelling music in background.]

Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius!

00:29:39

Biz

Host

Okay! So… Ellis has gone to sleep for maybe his entire life listening to the stories of Frances. Frances the badger. Bedtime for Frances. Bread and Jam For Frances. [Laughs.] That’s what the woman sounds like. [With British accent] A Baby Sister for Frances. A Birthday for Frances. We can all quote the entire four-story collection. I will say over the last year, sometimes it takes Ellis longer to get to sleep and we’ll go through restarting the stories at least three times. Now the benefit of the stories is that they covered a lot of other noise happening in the house, and it was something that helped get them to go to sleep. Recently, we asked Ellis, “Maybe we shouldn’t do—” We didn’t do the stories on vacation. So we were like, “Maybe when we get back we also don’t do the stories.” And Ellis was like, “Yeah! Maybe… they keep me up!” And I’m like, “Yeah! The stress of knowing you have to restart the stories and you’re not asleep yet causes then more stress!” And since then, we have been stopping the stories. We read our books. Ellis reads to me. We then are at a place now where we’re like, “You can read for a little while longer, and then we’ll say goodnight!” And he’s not dropping off, like, y’know. He's been awake for four days. But he is having a less-anxious go-down. Which is really good. And I feel like a genius for stopping the stories.

00:31:30

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, One Bad Mother. I have a genius to share. My twenty-one-month-old has gotten really into sidewalk chalk, but it’s springtime in New England so we’ve had some pretty yucky days and haven’t been able to go outside and use it. But! Because there’s a pandemic, we have a ton of paper bags from home grocery delivery.

[Biz laughs.] 

So I cut some of the paper bags and opened them up and put them on the floor and now we have a ready-made driveway indoors for chalking. Any time we want. Thanks, and you’re all doing a great job!

00:32:02

Biz

Host

This is genius! This… my friend, is so smart. I never—we’ve never had this suggested! And… taping down the grocery bags for—it’s so… good. It’s so good. You are doing such a good job. Failures.

00:32:24

Clip

Clip

[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.]

Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL!

[Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.]

Biz: [Calmly] You suck!

00:32:30

Biz

Host

Fail me, me. Oh… kay. I will. I just wanted to give you guys an update. We continue to not be able to see Ellis’s feet. Ellis will still not show us whatever is happening under his socks. And this came out in front of my sister and Uncle Lex. And they both were like, “What do you mean, you can’t see [through laughter] his feet?” We’re like, “I dunno. He really doesn’t wanna show it to us.” “Well, what is it?” “Well, I don’t know! I don’t think it’s anything horrible, because the socks still fit. His feet aren’t misshapen. And it doesn’t hurt when he walks and runs.” So I, y’know, as far as I know, I think it’s okay. And then—[Laughs.] Lex was like, “Y’know? You could just… see ‘em if you really wanted to.” And I was like, “I know. I could hold the child down and take the socks off. But we are not to that level of concern.” “Well, when was the last time you saw his feet?” “It possibly could be three years ago. I don’t know. Time means nothing when the pandemic hit.” “Well could you take his socks off when he sleeps?” “We could.” [Laughs.] “But—like many things—Ellis’s toes are out of sight, out of mind.” [Laughs.] What’s wrong with that kid’s feet? What is he hiding in there?

00:33:58

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, Biz and Theresa! Right now I’m calling in with a fail because I’m not doing a good job. Um—[Laughs.] It’s one of those fails that ya just—if you don’t cry you have to laugh at how ridiculous it was? Saturday—this was Tuesday. Saturday my six-year-old got a stomach bug. Threw up in the car on the way to my work. And we barely had enough time to get him cleaned up and throw a towel over it and be done. So there was obviously stuff in the car. And Tuesday, here we are. I finally put him back in the car because he’d been home sick since then. And I realized—oops! I didn’t clean any of the vomit off the seat. And I thought, “Okay, we can deal with this. It’s only a minute ‘til home.” Then I get home. Start pulling things apart, and realize it has gone through every crevice of the car seat. Under every piece of upholstery and down into the upholstery of my car.

[Biz gasps.]

Not only have I been drive—like—driving around for two days to go to work with vomit everywhere in my car—

[Biz laughs.] 

I’m realizing, ‘cause I didn’t pay attention, but it has gotten crusty. It has gotten gross. Sorry for the images. But I was like, “This is the biggest mom fail in the history of mom fails.” For me, at least, right now. So I’m failing. Everything is in the wash and cleaning, but oh my gosh. Just call me the vomit mom. Thanks. Y’all are doing a fabulous job—

[Biz laughs.] 

 —and I am not. Thanks! Bye. 

00:35:45

Biz

Host

Now, there’s a new t-shirt. “Vomit Mom.” Right there. That is great. You are doing [through laughter] –as soon as you said, “I put a towel on it,” I thought, “That’s never gonna be moved again. That towel’s gonna stay there—out of sight, out of mind!” This is—this is… really a next-level, brilliant—I like the idea of it being like the greatest fail. Like maybe we should have like a mountain chart. Like some sort of like [through laughter] little Swiss Alps. Right? And there’s a little mom in—I dunno, lederhosen? Is that a thing? Anyway. Going up the fails and sliding down the fail. Like, “Ooo! Oo!” We’re at the “vomit was in my car for several days” fail level. And then we can see, “Is it really the top? I don’t know! Is it? Is it the worst thing that has ever been done? I don’t think so!” Also, here’s just a—more of a science-based question. When vomit dries—like, is it like cat puke? ‘Cause like when the cat [through laughter] pukes, I’ve discovered just leaving it and letting it dry is much easier to clean up than when it is wet. I will leave that for all of us to consider. [Laughs.] You are doing a horrible job. [Laughs.] 

00:37:11

Music

Music

“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics.

You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known.

I love you, I love you.

When I have a problem, I call you on the phone.

I love you, I love you.

[Music fades out.]

00:37:35

Promo

Clip

Music: Funky keyboard music with percussion plays in background.

Speaker 1: MaxFunDrive is just around the corner!

Speaker 2: [Echoey] 2022!

Speaker 1: Starting April 25^th, it’s the best time of the year to support your favorite shows by becoming a MaxFun member—or upgrading your membership!

Speaker 2: [Echoey] In just two weeks!

Speaker 1: We’ve got some great episodes and amazing thank-you gifts in store! And… who knows? Maybe a few surprises!
 

Speaker 2: [Echoey] Don’t forget bonus content!

Speaker 1: So make sure to tune in, starting Monday, April 25^th, to get all the juicy details on what each show has in store!

Speaker 2: [Echoey] Actually, wait—what are the details, anyway? And why are they juicy? That’s kind of a strange adjective to describe details!

[Music fades out.]

00:38:19

Promo

Clip

Music: Laid-back guitar strums in background.

John Moe: Look, it’s a rough world out there. Especially lately. I get it. So let’s take care of our minds as best we can! I’m John Moe, host of Depresh Mode with John Moe. Every week I talk with comedians, actors, writers, musicians, doctors, therapists, and everyday folks about the obstacles that our world and our brains throw in front of us. Depression, anxiety, traumatic stress—all those mental health challenges that are way more common and more treatable than ya might think.

Speaker 1: The first time I went to therapy I was so ashamed and I was like, “I can’t believe I gotta go into ther—like, I thought I could be a man and Humphrey Bogart was never in therapy!” And then my dad said, “Yeah, but he smoked a carton of cigarettes a day.”

John Moe: Give your mind a break. Give yourself a break. And join me—for Depresh Mode with John Moe.

[Music fades out.]

00:39:08

Biz

Host

Okay, everybody. It… is time… to listen… to a mom have a breakdown. And those don’t always have to be sad. 

00:39:19

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hello! This is a happy rant. Ummm… aaah! [Laughs.] 

[Biz laughs.] 

I—this has nothing to do with parenting whatsoever. I’m a nanny. I’m nonbinary, and I came out to my dad and my sister today, and everybody took it well. And everybody was supportive! And my dad doesn’t get it. He told. Be he wants to read more about it! And he’s like, “Yeah, you’ve gotta be you!” And my sister was amazing and so wonderful and… just was like, “I’m so excited! Thank you for telling me!” And everybody was great. And it’s a really, really, really good—I don’t—hasn’t fully hit me, to be real with you. It hasn’t fully hit me.

[Biz laughs.] 

But maybe it will in therapy this week. I don’t know. We’ll find out. I’m gonna cry at some point. We’ll find out when.

[Biz laughs.] 

But it’s a good day! So that’s my happy rant. Thank you! I hope you guys are all doing great! Love you! Bye!

00:40:13

Biz

Host

You are amazing. You’re doing a wonderful job. My first reaction is—if you cry… and you’re nonbinary… do people say, “You cry like a little person!” Is that—[Laughs.] This has everything to do with parenting, my friend! First of all, thank you for being a nanny! That is very hard work. So I see you. Second, the parenting part comes in with the fact that your dad did such a good job! Like, being your dad! Being your parent! Loving you. Supporting you. Being honest that they don’t know necessarily what you’re talking about, but that they love you. That… is some grade-A great parenting! And… there’s some secret subtle great parenting going on that you—even—even though it may have been hard and even though it wasn’t something that probably just bubbled out like, “I also like, y’know, Cheerios!” 

Somewhere, your dad has planted some sort of seed that it will always be safe to tell them anything. Doesn’t mean that what you’re telling them is easy, and that doesn’t dismiss the anxiety or anticipation or… your feeling experience leading up to it? I’m just saying… it does have to do with parenting. That—it just shows you the impact that we all have the potential to have on our kids by emphasizing that there’s nothing they can do that will make us stop loving them. Right? And your sister—what a great job. Again, these are all signs that you come from a family of love. And I just think it’s so great—and what a great job on your own journey! Coming to this place where you have found language that feels good and feels right for you and how you walk through the world. And I—I just think it’s great! I just think you’re freaking amazing! And I am so glad that you called with this happy rant, and I think just in sharing your experience and… emulating your family’s reaction as you go through life—it’s gonna have a really huge impact on many, many, many other people. You are doing a remarkable job. 

00:42:48

Biz

Host

Guys? Here’s our big takeaway. Everybody’s doing a great job! No, we are not a giraffe who kicks our children the moment they drop from our womb. But we are not failing. [Laughs.] My favorite line in the book—I’ll say it again—”As long as you don’t eat your baby? Yeah! You are doing a great job!” These are the bars we need to be setting for ourselves. This is what it’s all about. I am so appreciate of Glenn putting this out there in the world, and I’m so appreciative of you guys. Your support and listening to this show and being part of this community. It means so much. We all… need to be reminded that we are not alone, including me. And I appreciate knowing you guys are out there. And I will talk to you guys next week. Bye!

00:43:52

Music

Music

“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics.

I got the lowdown momma blues

Got the the lowdown momma blues

Gots the lowdown momma blues

The lowdown momma blues. 

Gots the lowdown momma blues

Got the lowdown momma blues

You know that’s right.

[Music fades.]

00:44:15

Biz

Host

We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Gabe Mara; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.

00:44:44

Theresa

Host

One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/join.

[Music resumes for a while before fading out.]

00:45:08

Music

Transition

A cheerful ukulele chord.

00:45:09

Speaker 1

Guest

MaximumFun.org.

00:45:10

Speaker 2

Guest

Comedy and culture.

00:45:12

Speaker 3

Guest

Artist owned—

00:45:13

Speaker 4

Guest

—Audience supported.