TRANSCRIPT One Bad Mother Episode 436: The 6th Ever Holiday Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant

00:00:00

Biz

Host

Hi. I’m Biz.

00:00:01

Theresa

Host

And I’m Theresa.

00:00:02

Biz

Host

Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.

00:00:20

Music

Music

“Summon the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums.

[Continues through dialogue.]

00:00:24

Biz

Host

This week on One Bad Mother, let’s tell 2021 to suck it and welcome 2022 with open arms! If it’s masked and vaccinated. Nah, let’s just wave it in with the 6th-Ever Holiday Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant.

00:00:39

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz and Theresa: [Enthusiastically and at length] Woooo!

[Biz claps.]

00:00:43

Biz

Host

[High-pitched voice] I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so excited! [Regular voice] Did you recognize that woo? Hello, Theresa!

00:00:49

Theresa

Host

Hey, Biz. What’s up?

00:00:50

Biz

Host

It’s so good to see you! 

00:00:52

Theresa

Host

You, too. 

[Biz laughs.] 

Hi, everybody. Here I am. It’s me. 

00:00:56

Biz

Host

There… they are. 

[Both laugh.]

Theresa, been a while. I want the—we just ran into each other and we’re not friends answer.

[Theresa laughs.] 

Ready? 

00:01:09

Theresa

Host

Okay.

00:01:10

Biz

Host

Here ya go. Ready? Alright. It’s like the car line. “Oh my god, Theresa! How are you?”

00:01:17

Theresa

Host

[Unenthusiastically] “Yeahhh. Hiii. Great. To see you. How’s it going?”

00:01:24

Biz

Host

“Great.” [Laughs.] 

00:01:26

Theresa

Host

I think I tried to sideline—just sideline the question? Like, “Oh, it’s you!” [Laughs.] 

00:01:34

Biz

Host

It’s… you. There you are, waiting to pick something up. [Laughs.] 

00:01:40

Theresa

Host

Yep. Yep.

00:01:41

Biz

Host

Well, I am very glad to have you here. We are going to be genius and failing it today, which is really what the holidays are all about. But before we jump into that, little something we like to do is… say some thank-you’s. 

00:02:00

Music

Music

Heavy electric guitar and driving percussion overlaid with “Ohh, oh-oh, oh-oh” and “Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey-ey” lyrics.

00:02:14

Biz

Host

Guys, this is the New Year’s Eve show. Or New Year’s Day show or New Year’s Week—regardless, you’re listening to it. 2022 is just right there on your shoulder saying hello, and I am ready to say thank you, 2022, for coming in. With good news. I’m sure. Everybody in the medical profession? I am really sorry. We seem to continue to fuck this up, and I am very sorry.

00:02:40

Theresa

Host

Yeah. I wanna apologize, too. Are we entering into being able to apologize as part of these thank-you’s?

00:02:46

Biz

Host

I hope—let’s make that be part of 2022. We’re… sorry. [Laughs.] 

00:02:51

Theresa

Host

Yeah. We’re sorry.

00:02:53

Biz

Host

Sorry!

00:02:54

Theresa

Host

Yeah! This sucks!

00:02:56

Biz

Host

It does suck!

00:02:57

Theresa

Host

If it’s—sorry, go on. I know I’m interjecting here.

00:02:59

Biz

Host

No! But I think you’re right. I think maybe to cap off 2021, instead of this being a thank you segment, it should be an I’m Sorry segment. So all the medical professionals out there? We’re sorry. To teachers? God, we love you. And we’re really—we’re really sorry. Yeah. This is—I had a—there was a caller who called in with a rant saying that they were a teacher and that they made this very profound statement of, “I don’t get to pick what bubble I’m in.” And I’m sorry! [Laughs.] 

00:03:36

Theresa

Host

Yeah! I’m sorry.

00:03:37

Biz

Host

Trying my best to send a healthy kid to you every day. Travel? Everybody in travel? Wow, what a shit time. None of us thought this was what the holidays were gonna look like, so… we’re sorry. Really sorry. About, uh, that. That we all decided to go somewhere. Sorry. Really. [Through laughter] Really sorry. And I want to say to everybody who delivers mail, packages, whatever? We all waited ‘til the last minute. Sorry! Sorry.

00:04:12

Theresa

Host

I think people started early? But then just… there’s just more? They just kept it going? 

00:04:18

Biz

Host

Yeah. Fell apart. It was online heavy. Online-heavy shopping.

00:04:23

Theresa

Host

Gee, I wonder why.

00:04:24

Biz

Host

I don’t know! Oh, it’s the fucking pandemic! But actually, this is not an apology one. This is one that we talked about last week and I just want to touch on it again. Everybody in the mental health universe providing mental health services and those of you who are out there volunteering at the crisis centers and suicide hotlines and all of the different resources that are available. And Poison Control. Ho, ho, ho. Little Janey drank the tree water. Thank you for being there. For all of us. You’re doing a great job. And now… without further ado… I am so excited to say this to Theresa. Theresa? It’s time… for the 6^th-Ever Holiday Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant! 

00:05:23

Music

Music

[Celebratory symphonic music.] 

00:05:31

Biz

Host

Genius fail time, Theresa! Ooh! It feels so good! 

[Theresa laughs.] 

Genius me.

00:05:39

Clip

Clip

[Dramatic, swelling music in background.]

Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius!

00:05:54

Theresa

Host

[Both laugh.] Alright. Well… my first genius is just that I’m eating fudge right now. I brought fudge to this recording. It’s fudge that was prepared for me by you, Biz.

00:06:10

Biz

Host

It’s me!

00:06:11

Theresa

Host

And it’s really good.

00:06:12

Biz

Host

Good. 

00:06:13

Theresa

Host

So… but then my real genius is actually… I think it’s actually my dad’s genius, if I’m being honest. But here’s what happened. I have a different car from the car that I had the last time I was on this show.

[Biz laughs.] 

And when I—different needs. Different times. Different times call for different needs call for a different car.

00:06:35

Biz

Host

That’s right!

00:06:36

Theresa

Host

And when I got the new car and I was getting everything set up with the car seats—I have those rubber flaps that you kind of put on your seat underneath your car seat so that your car doesn’t get destroyed underneath?

00:06:52

Biz

Host

What?! That’s a thing?

00:06:55

Theresa

Host

Yeah, I had them with my old car, yeah. Is that a—is that not—

00:06:59

Biz

Host

I have never known that that was a thing, but that’s a fucking genius thing. 

00:07:03

Theresa

Host

So that’s a genius. 

00:07:04

Biz

Host

You could just stop right there! But don’t. But don’t. 

00:07:06

Theresa

Host

It gets better. It gets better. So. 

[Biz laughs.] 

I was setting that up. I was bringing that stuff over from the old car, and I quickly realized within a couple of days of using the new car that my kids really—the flaps just don’t fit in this car. It’s a smaller car. The one backseat. It’s just like more squooshed. The rubber flaps were covering where the kids need to buckle in. If they were using a booster seat or whatever. Every time they get in and out of the car. So it wasn’t really working, so I pulled them out and I was just like, “I don’t know. I’m not gonna buy more. I’m just not gonna buy more. I’m just not gonna do that.” But I was feeling kinda bummed out about it and I just didn’t wanna throw them away and I was like, “Do I put them up on Craigslist? Do I find someone—a new home for these?” It’s just such a weird thing, y’know? I just don’t want to deal with it.

[Biz laughs.] 

And so I was saying to my dad, “Oh, maybe Mom wants them for her car?” ‘Cause she schleps the grandkids around sometimes. And he’s like, “Yeah. Or, y’know, you could just cut them.”

[Biz laughs.] 

“You could just cut around the part where the buckle goes in.” And I was like, “Huh?” And I thought about it and I was like, “Like… with scissors?” And he’s like, “Well, yeah, it’s rubber. You could just cut it. Just cut around it.”

[Biz laughs.] 

And I—I was like, “Okay.” And then of course didn’t get to this for a while. But today, I actually did it. I went and I just got some scissors and I kinda measured—just eyeballed it. And I cut it.

00:08:50

Biz

Host

Yeah, eyeballed it! Just eyeballed it.

00:08:51

Theresa

Host

And it works great! I mean, it was so easy. It wasn’t even hard to cut. And then—now I have them in my car and I feel great.

00:08:59

Biz

Host

You should feel great! There’s a glow about you. You should feel really good! I—this is a—you are—you’re a fucking genius who fell from the genius tree. That is what you’ve done.

00:09:12

Theresa

Host

Thank you. Thank you so much.

00:09:14

Biz

Host

You’re welcome. You are welcome. Spoiler—I made Theresa fudge. This is—I haven’t made anything else over—Stefan is the holiday baking person. But I waited for the perfect day to make the—you gotta make the fudge on a certain type of day. You can’t make it when it’s raining. You can’t make it when it’s too fucking hot. I made the fudge. And I gave the fudge. And this, every year, brings me such joy that this brings Theresa joy, and that—that is the—the meaning of Christmas, I think. Fudge. 

00:09:55

Theresa

Host

Yeah. It is.

[Biz laughs.] 

And I love that I’m the recipient of your genius moment? And I love that I kind of ruined your genius moment by leading in with that! At the beginning!

00:10:03

Biz

Host

No, you didn’t ruin the—everybody knows I make the fudge. It’s around the back from where the lemonade is made. [Laughs.] 

00:10:10

Theresa

Host

True. True. True.

00:10:12

Biz

Host

That’s—okay. Well, while we are incredibly delightful, I need this time of year so very much to sit and bask in your geniuses. 

00:10:26

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi! I’m calling in with a genius, for once! So… I took my four-and-a-half-year-old Christmas shopping with me and I had no idea what to get my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law. So I took kiddo to the store and I said, “You pick out presents for Grammy and your aunt and uncle.” Because Grammy and Aunt and Uncle aren’t going to look at the shitty presents.

[Biz laughs.] 

And say, “Oh, why would somebody pick this out for me?” They’re gonna go, “Oh, how sweet! The four-year-old picked it out!” And I don’t get the blame for the shitty presents that they get. And I also don’t have to put the mental energy into trying to figure out what to get for my in-laws. So that’s my genius, is that I let my four-and-a-half-year-old pick out the Christmas presents. And she was happy and I was happy and they’re gonna be happy with the ridiculous things that my child chose for them. Thanks! You’re all doing a great job.

00:11:32

Biz

Host

What a way to kick off a Holiday Genius Fail Spectacular. You are a genius. This is the most delightful passive-aggressive use of our children when it comes to dealing with relatives. And I think it’s great.

00:11:47

Theresa

Host

It’s just so good. I—

[Biz laughs.] 

—think it’s so fun. 

00:11:50

Biz

Host

It’s so fun!

00:11:52

Theresa

Host

It’s so—it is! It’s so fun. And it saves you energy. And I’m trying not to go on a side rant about how crazy it is that you would be expected to use your valuable, in-demand emotional energy to try to figure out good presents for four different people. Like, in-law. Ugh! Good job doing the right thing here. 

00:12:24

Biz

Host

Yeah! [Laughs.] 

[Theresa laughs.] 

00:12:29

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Thank you, Biz! I am doing a great job. This is a genius. I just came downstairs from putting my not-quite-four-year-old daughter to bed, and every night before she goes to sleep, she asks, “Where am I going in the morning?” I don’t know why she asks because it literally never changes. But. [Laughs.] If we tell her she’s going to daycare or to school, she usually turns into a meltdown. Well I got wise and I told her that she would find out in the morning! 

[Biz laughs.] 

And so she went to bed. And that’s my genius. [Laughs.] Bye. 

[Biz laughs.] 

00:13:07

Biz

Host

A, you’re doing a very good job feeling very good about your choice.

00:13:11

Theresa

Host

Delaying the— [Laughs.] 

00:13:13

Biz

Host

Delaying— [Laughs.] 

00:13:15

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Theresa: —inevitable meltdown.

Biz: Delaying the—do you want your—right!

00:13:19

Biz

Host

But it’s a choice we all have to ask ourselves. Do you want the meltdown before bed, or before you leave the house? Both suck. 

00:13:27

Theresa

Host

Sometimes, though, there could be both. So at least here you have the possibility of just skipping one of them. So. 

00:13:36

Biz

Host

Yeah! I like that you got wise. Good job getting wise! [Laughs.] 

00:13:42

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, Biz and Theresa. This is a holiday party elementary school genius! I was channeling my inner Biz when I went to the dollar store to figure out what to send to the kindergarten holiday party, because the room parents are doing a great job and they want us to text them. We’ve gone rogue. We’re not using SignUpGenius anymore—

[Biz laughs.] 

—so we’re going in blind. Text what you’re going to bring to the party. Here’s five suggestions, including Christmas tree bags or some other surprise like pencils or stickers. Well I can’t send pencils or stickers ‘cause everyone’s gonna send pencils or stickers! So I went to the dollar store and they had these little bags of treasure coins. Thirty coins for a dollar! And I got two bags of those and I just told the room mom, “I’m sending in plastic treasure coins.” And she said, “That sounds fun.”

[Biz laughs.] 

And I spent two dollars and I think they’re going to love them because we are in the “everything shiny and glittery is cool” stage. I hope that you all survive any holiday parties that you have to participate in, which—Biz, I’m guessing there will be some!
 

[Biz laughs.] 

You are doing a great job. Happy holidays!

00:14:57

Biz

Host

Are you at my school?! Okay. This is so good! 

00:15:03

Theresa

Host

Yep! It’s great! I love that—it’s also, aside from it being the shiny, glittery stage, it’s also the capitalizing on the—pirates are never over? Kids are just always going to be interested in pirate stuff? 

00:15:20

Biz

Host

Correct. Yeah. No. I agree. In fact, I believe we did a whole show on pirates at one point in time. Go back and find that. Yeah. ‘Cause pirates? Timeless. Money? Timeless. And I—yeah. Good job to you! Good job to the room parents. And… that’s all I got. You’re doing [through laughter] a great job not sending pencils and erasers. 

00:15:45

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hello! This is a genius. And my genius is I asked for help. I know. I went grocery shopping with my two-year-old, and the only shopping cart she will tolerate sitting in is the one that looks like a giant racecar? So it’s really big and really fun to try to maneuver in the tiny grocery store aisles, but we get done grocery shopping. We go outside. We’re trying to load the groceries into our car. And it starts to rain. Of course. And so I’m looking at my kid and the groceries are all in the car at this point, and I look around and there is not a cart corral to be seen for probably miles. But! There was a person walking towards me to go past me to go into the store! And I said, “Hey! Can you take my cart?” And he said, “Yeah!” And he took my cart—

[Biz laughs.] 

—the giant racecar cart—back into the store so I could load my toddler into the car in the rain and head home! And I felt like such a genius that I was able to speak to a stranger and say, “Hey! Can you help?” So… that’s how I’m doing a good job today. You are all doing a good job today, because—let’s face it—everything has been cray-cray.

[Biz laughs.] 

But you’re all doing a good job! And thank you so much for this hotline. Byeee!

00:17:25

Biz

Host

You’re doing a great job.

00:17:26

Theresa

Host

Yeah, you are.

00:17:27

Biz

Host

Plus—you probably made that dude feel really cool. Like he doesn’t have a chance to push the cart—the car cart around. But in this moment, he got to do—he like—you let him off the hook—

[Theresa laughs.] 

—for feeling like maybe he wasn’t cool if he pushed the cart. I bet he pushed it right on inside and kept going. Just like Thelma and Louise with the car cart right over the cliff. Guys? Duh! You get to ask for fucking help! 

00:17:57

Theresa

Host

Yeah. People love taking carts back for people, because—assuming you are able to push a cart back to the store for someone—it feels amazing? Because you helped someone? And it was fucking easy. For you. While you walked to the store. I mean—

[Biz laughs.] 

—no skin off your back. Really.

00:18:19

Biz

Host

Really! It was easy.

00:18:20

Theresa

Host

Sometimes you just take the cart and use it to shop with. So it’s actually like a gift.

00:18:26

Biz

Host

I am gifting you my cart. Yeah! I—good—ho, ho, ho! Good job.

00:18:34

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, Biz and Theresa! First of all, you are doing a great job. This is a holiday genius! Inspired by Biz’s genius about Raiden and the dentist. I was literally driving somewhere while listening to that, and that helped me with my genius. So. We had a busy day, my six-year-old and I, and our plans for tonight, we had tickets for this beautiful walk through the holiday lights at the nature center. Kind of a new thing. We’ve never been. We’ve been looking forward to it. Everybody was ready to go. A little tired. We had a tornado warning—or watch—last night here in the Midwest. Everybody was fine, but nobody slept well. Everybody’s tired. So we pack up. We drive forty-five minutes to the nature center. Kiddo falls asleep five minutes from home. We get to the nature center, let him sleep about twenty minutes, wake him up, and he is just not in a good place. And I say, “Hey, do you wanna do it? Do you wanna stay?” “Yes, yes.” “Okay.” We start getting ready to get out of the car, and he [inaudible] and I said, “Do you just need to go home?” And he nods, and he says yes. So I bundled him back in his backseat. We never made it out of the parking lot. And, y’know, did I pay for the tickets? Yeah. It’s a donation to the nature center. It’s fine. So we are going to get some Taco Bell and go home and take warm baths and go to bed early. And that is my holiday genius. We’ll see the lights another time. Or we won’t! Whatever!

[Biz laughs.] 

But this is what we need tonight. You are doing a great job.

00:20:17

Biz

Host

You are doing a great job! Good job!

00:20:20

Theresa

Host

Yeah. I love it. It’s so good. 

00:20:22

Biz

Host

It is! Guys, we—no one’s keeping a list! Of like…

00:20:28

Theresa

Host

Oh, they went to the thing! So then they’ll—that’s—

00:20:33

Biz

Host

Yup. Write it down, Larry!

00:20:35

Theresa

Host

College acceptance.

00:20:37

Biz

Host

Yeah. [Through laughter] College acceptance! That’s right! This is what gets you in. “Well, one time your mother didn’t force-walk you through a nature light-up Christmas holiday experience.”

00:20:48

Theresa

Host

Force-walk or carry, let’s be honest.

00:20:51

Biz

Host

Yeah. Carry. That’s right. “You are not teaching your child resilience! You’re going to burn in hell!” That’s what Larry thinks.

[Theresa laughs.] 

Larry who keeps the list. Anyway. You’re doing such a good job! You’re doing such a good job being nice to you and your kid!

00:21:07

Theresa

Host

Yeah. That was really sweet. Also? Two really small things—one, I’m really touched that callers are saying hi to me even though I’m almost never here.

[Biz laughs.] 

It’s so sweet. It genuinely warms my heart. I’m very comforted by that. Secondly, I continue to be amazed—I’ve always been amazed, but I continue to be amazed—at how many things other people who are not me are able to get done in the evening hours? Like, the after-school hours? The fact that you did all that, including the driving forty-five minutes each way and the Taco Bell and the warm baths and you’re still—I know you missed the thing, but you’re still saying you’re going to bed early. I don’t genuinely—maybe we’re just freaks and we go to bed really early? But I don’t understand how everyone does all these things, and it impresses me to no end. So… so good job doing stuff after school!

[Biz laughs.] 

00:22:13

Biz

Host

It’s our new podcast.

[Theresa laughs.] 

“Doing stuff after school—how?!”

00:22:18

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hey, One Bad Mother. I have a holiday genius. I normally spend way too many hours hand-writing all the addresses on our holiday cards and I don’t even send that many compared to probably most people? About 75, some international, some domestic. Most domestic. But this year I had to use—I didn’t have to. I used a Minted site for my cards, because the school was using a fundraiser on it. They had free addressing if you uploading a spreadsheet or uploaded the addresses. So I spent a small amount of time moving my word doc over to a spreadsheet, so I just received my holiday cards yesterday and they’re already completely addressed. And that usually takes me forever and ever and ever. And right now we have no time ‘cause my kids are home. [Laughs.] ‘Cause we got maybe six feet of snow in the last four or five days and there’s no school. We’re up in the Sierras. So yesterday I got my stuff done, put stamps on them. I licked ‘em. Gross.

[Biz laughs.] 

And they’re all ready. So when the road’s clear, I can take them to the mailbox. Throw ‘em in the thing, and they’re done. And I maybe spent an hour on this. So. I’m very excited. My life has changed and I will never write them again. I know it’s not personal and I don’t give a shit at this time of year. ‘K. Thanks. Bye.

[Biz laughs.] 

00:23:46

Biz

Host

Good job using technology. Good job having a Word doc to begin with. Theresa and I both are like, “So it’s not a lot. It’s like 75. And I’m like—” 

00:23:58

Theresa

Host

We both did the big eyes.

00:24:01

Biz

Host

“Some international.” I… I can’t even get thank-you cards out this door. I—so I just think you are… not only are you doing a good job? If Larry was still making a list and keeping tabs—

00:24:16

Theresa

Host

List Larry.

00:24:17

Biz

Host

You would have gotten some big points for that effort. And just so everybody knows, I do suck at sending out holiday cards and thank-you notes? But I really do—just so you know, when you do send them out—if you are a person who can get it together and send a card out? It’s really appreciated! It’s really nice to get a holiday card! So you’re doing a great job.

00:24:43

Theresa

Host

Yes, you are.

00:24:45

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hello, Biz! I’m calling with a genius. So I just finished getting my toddler ready for school this morning. It was a toddler who did not want to get dressed. And I had overslept. 

[Biz laughs.] 

So. I… sang circus music the whole time I was getting her ready. Just, “Doot-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo [etc]” the whole time. And she still yelled and wriggled, but! At some point, she laughed. And it made it slightly easier to get her clothes on. And even though I slipped a few choice words in with the “doot-doot [etc]” I didn’t lose my shit at my kid! And that’s awesome. And I’m very proud of myself. So I think I’m doing a great job this morning. But it’s only 8 AM, so we’ll see how the day goes from here. Anyway, you’re doing a great job. Thanks for having the hotline. Bye!

00:25:48

Biz

Host

You’re doing a great job. Let’s get real. It’s not just the frustration and the solution to not yelling at—giving yourself a different outlet other than, like, blowing up at your child who will not get dressed. You’ve essentially welcomed the madness into your life, and you’re singing your own theme music at this point in time. It—I mean, really. [Sings circus music.] That goes through—I thought everybody did that. They don’t? I’ve got that going on when I’m going through the store when I’m dealing with things I don’t wanna do. [Sings circus music.] Time to get a kid a shot. [Sings circus music.] Welcome to the fun house! You get to make it fun. 

00:26:42

Theresa

Host

You forced yourself to have a sense of humor about this situation, and you were successful. Which is really—

[Biz laughs.] 

—really impressive! And then that, of course, rubbed off on your kid. So… good job and keep it up. 

[Biz sings circus music.]

00:27:02

Biz

Host

And that, my friends, were the geniuses. You’re all doing an amazing job. But… let’s remember why we’re really here. And we’ll be back… with failures. 

00:27:15

Music

Music

“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds.

[Music fades out.]

00:27:32

Music

Promo

Cheerful ukulele music with whistling plays in background.

00:27:33

Biz

Promo

One Bad Mother is supported in part by Bombas. Bombas’s mission is simple—make the most comfortable clothes ever, and match every item sold with an equal item donated. So this holiday, when you gift Bombas to someone on your list, you’re also giving them to someone in need. It is a give-give. I have spoken often and will forever talk about how much I love Bombas. Guys, who am I that I suddenly really feel passionate about socks? But I do! Not only do I love my Bombas socks and find them incredibly comfortable, they also recently had a line of Pride socks that I bought for me and family and they’re really fun and we fight over them all the time. They’re just great socks! If you have small children and you don’t want ‘em to slip and— [Laughs.] Slip across the house? The socks have little rubbery bottoms. They’re just great! Go to Bombas.com/badmother and get 20% off your first purchase. That’s B-O-M-B-A-S.com/badmother for 20% off. Bombas.com/badmother.

[Music fades out.]

00:28:46

Music

Promo

Inspirational keyboard music plays in background.

00:28:47

Biz

Promo

One Bad Mother is supported in part by getAbstract. Woo! GetAbstract finds, rates, and summarizes the top business books, articles, and video talks into ten-minute abstracts to help people make better decisions in business and in their private lives. It offers 22,000+ text and audio summaries in areas such as leadership, finance, innovation, health and science, and more. Basically you get to test-drive books before committing to a purchase. There are so many books out there that I would like to read that I cannot get my brain around quite yet, given that I have kids in my house. And I think that getAbstract is such a great idea to let me hone up on some skills that I would like to try and develop that I want to use in my professional life. Get a free month of getAbstract by visiting getab.li/badmother. That’s G-E-T-A-B.L-I/badmother. 

00:29:56

Biz

Host

We’re back! With the 6^th-Ever Holiday Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant!

00:30:03

Music

Music

[Celebratory symphonic music.]

00:30:11

Biz

Host

With Theresa! I can’t wait to say this! Failures.

00:30:17

Clip

Clip

[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.]

Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL!

[Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.]

Biz: [Calmly] You suck!

00:30:23

Biz

Host

Fail me, Theresa. 

00:30:25

Theresa

Host

I can do that.

[Biz laughs.] 

Well… Biz, you and I have had a difficult time getting out there for the walking together. Which is something I think it’s safe to say we both treasure.

00:30:40

Biz

Host

Yeah. Treasure.

00:30:41

Theresa

Host

It’s really nice time to just catch up and hang out and also we both desperately need exercise. [Laughs.] 

00:30:47

Biz

Host

Desperately need exercise. Yes.

00:30:49

Theresa

Host

So I think we maybe have made it out… two or three times? In the last year?

00:30:56

Biz

Host

I think it’s three times. But those times were really close together and recent. So it feels like—it doesn’t feel like we let something go. It feels like we’re failing at something we just made a promise to do. But go ahead! Sorry. Yes. Yes.

00:31:10

Theresa

Host

No. Thank you. And so my fail is just that… the scheduling part of this has been a challenge, and we did find a time to do it a couple of weeks ago and I was really looking forward to it and I had it all together. I was gonna go after I took Curtis to preschool. I realized that I had forgotten the lunch. 

00:31:36

Biz

Host

Oh.

00:31:37

Theresa

Host

The preschool lunch had been forgotten. And I realized it when we were almost to the preschool, which is quite far from my house and we had to go all the way back home, get the lunch, go all the way back to the preschool, and guess what, you guys? That was the window. That was the walking window. And there wasn’t another window. It wasn’t going to happen that week. So I didn’t get my exercise that day and I didn’t get to see my friend that week, and… it was really sad. Not just because of how—of the loss of that time and how much work had [through laughter] gone into making it potentially a thing that could happen, but just how easy it was for it to get… totally eviscerated. Like, “Oh, of course. Then I should not try to do anything ever. Because of course I’ll always forget to bring a lunch. That’s always going to happen. Or the equivalent of that.” 

00:32:38

Biz

Host

Yeah. Well—yeah. I mean, that’s the fail, is that feeling of like… “Is this where I’ve gotten to?” Where I thought—‘cause for me, it’s that feeling of, “I gotta be past this now.” And then you realize… “I’m not past it, and the thing that keeps suffering is the thing that would be really nice!”

00:33:01

Theresa

Host

Yes. Right.

00:33:02

Biz

Host

For me! Yeah. I am really sorry. And I knew that—that was a shitty day ‘cause I hadn’t edited this show and it was Wednesday and it was like eleven o’clock and I was like, “Oh, shit.” It was just lots of disappointment. I’m really sorry.

00:33:18

Theresa

Host

You’re not gonna tell me I suck?

00:33:20

Biz

Host

Okay. Ready? You suck. 

[Theresa laughs.] 

You suck! It’s been, like, what? Ten years and we still suck! At this! [Laughs.] It’s not—this isn’t a show in which [through laughter] we progressed. 

[Both laugh.]

It’s not like—it’s not like, “How will the show end?”

[Theresa laughs.] 

“Will—it’ll just end because somebody forgot something!” Okay? Or—I don’t know. Who knows! So you suck! 

00:33:49

Theresa

Host

Thank you.

00:33:50

Biz

Host

I suck because I keep thinking that saying “boobs” out loud in my house—because the children think that’s very funny—I keep saying it. Recently what I’ve thought—guys, I’m gonna take it as a genius. My kids—Ellis in particular—emotional rollercoaster. “Sensitive.” And I’m always trying to come up with ways to figure out how to navigate that. Come back to it. Breathing? No. Not a breather. Doesn’t even try.

00:34:18

Theresa

Host

“Not a breather.”

00:34:20

Biz

Host

Not a breather. Like, literally it’s like, “Breathe!” And he’s like, “That never works!” Right? Unless… somebody else tells them to breathe. Anyway. I can’t calm down, blah, blah, blah. So I said, “Well, maybe when you’re feeling like this, you should just scream out ‘boobs!’” Now this is very funny. And actually—it worked! I mean, this is a funny way to trigger a response in yourself of grounding, silliness, whatever. ‘K? So… that dinner was hilarious. 

00:34:52

Theresa

Host

Mm-hm.

00:34:53

Biz

Host

And then I was like, “You know what? Maybe… you shouldn’t.”

[Both laugh.]

Maybe this is an at-home strategy. And maybe—maybe not at school. Maybe—maybe in second grade you shouldn’t just yell out, “Boobs!”

[Theresa laughs.] 

Right? Not that it wouldn’t make you probably the most popular kid in school. But… maybe not. So then we ruined the word “banana” because Ellis said, “Well, what if we say ‘banana’ instead?” “So ‘banana’ represents ‘boobs’?” “Yes.” So now it’s a lot of this: “Banana! I meant boobs.” Again, I find this delightful, but one of the things that I’m learning is that that sometimes delightful has to stay in the house. And shouldn’t… go out into the world. So… 

00:35:45

Theresa

Host

Well, you can’t control that! So.

00:35:47

Biz

Host

Oh! Too late!

00:35:48

Theresa

Host

There you have it.

[Both laugh.]

00:35:50

Biz

Host

Boobs! I’m failing at… boobs? [Laughs.] Alright, everybody. All boobs aside, let’s listen to you guys just bringing the failure joy.

00:36:06

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi! I’m calling with a fail. My kid had a birthday recently and we had a, y’know, small, outdoor, typical COVID birthday party for him and I got some individually-wrapped snacks for it. And I just got a big bag of—that had a bunch of individually-wrapped bags of Cheetos in it? But what I didn’t realize when I bought the bag and what one of the four-year-olds at my young child’s party realized—or found out—that 75% of the bag? Flaming Hot Cheetos. So I—

00:36:47

Biz

Host

Hot Cheetos.

00:36:48

Caller

Caller

—suck. [Through laughter] And… [Laughs.] Lesson learned. Flaming Hot Cheetos and Cheetos are not the same thing. Read the bag. Alright. Thanks for this show. You guys are the best.

00:37:00

Biz

Host

Read the bag?! Who are you? The King of France? What do you—

[Both laugh.]

Who’s got time to read bags? Everything’s hot now. I don’t see how it’s possible to avoid it.

00:37:12

Theresa

Host

Yeah. I think my kids have gotten onboard with the hot whatever. Because it just keeps getting put in front of them.

00:37:22

Biz

Host

What you’re doing is you’re teaching these four- and five-year-olds is that they have very little control over life, and that they should just accept what’s put before them and celebrate. [Laughs.] 

00:37:33

Theresa

Host

Or you’re teaching them to be afraid of food.

[Biz laughs.] 

00:37:37

Biz

Host

Hot! Is this hot? It’s red! I can’t eat red things! You are doing a horrible job reading. 

[Theresa laughs.] 

The… the very large print. [Laughs.] 

00:37:49

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi. I’m calling in with what I think is a fail. My sister said it could be a genius. I have a four-year-old daughter who has really gotten into drawing and she’s getting really good at it, so she was drawing on her uncle’s birthday card and she said, “I drew a boy with a green penis!” I was still drinking my coffee. I wasn’t ready. I told her to go show her dad.

[Biz laughs.] 

So she goes into his study, and says, “Daddy, I drew you with a green penis!” He tells her we shouldn’t do that, and then she decides—now that she’s back to the table coloring some more—she wants to have that boy with the green penis pee. And I said, “No. We can’t draw him peeing on your uncle’s birthday card.” So instead of pee she just adds some yellowish-colored shorts for pants. I’m glad she’s getting artistic—

[Biz laughs.] 

—and I’m glad she’s being creative, and I’m glad she knows penises and vaginas. But on her uncle’s—childless uncle’s—birthday card? Oh, buddy. And now is she going to tell her uncle and her grandparents what she drew? [Sighs.] We will see. Thank you for having the hotline. Y’all are doing a good job.

00:39:22

Biz

Host

What’s great is that every question you asked in this fail—the answer is yes. Yes!
 

[Theresa laughs.] 

Yes, you’re gonna—yeah. Your child is going to explain to every adult within earshot that that is—that that person who’s in the yellow pee shorts has a green penis. You may not be able to see it as much because it’s hidden from all of the pee on the shorts.

[Theresa laughs.] 

I’m constantly disappointed that no one’s just—

00:39:50

Theresa

Host

[Through laughter] Hold on. I’m sorry.

[Biz laughs.] 

They’re not shorts. They’re pee-pee pants.

00:39:54

Biz

Host

Oh, they’re pee-pee pants. You’re right! They’re pee-pee pants! It’s a totally different category! Thank you for correcting me, Theresa. You’re right. ‘Cause you’ve got pants. There’s underpants. And then there’s pee-pee pants. And that’s—it’s a very niche market.

00:40:10

Theresa

Host

Yeah. And that’s why they’re yellow. ‘Cause they’re pee-pee pants. 

00:40:12

Biz

Host

Well, you’re right. See? Logic. This is logical. Your child’s very logical.

00:40:17

Theresa

Host

Yeah. All of this makes sense. Okay? It alllll makes sense. [Laughs.] 

[Biz laughs.] 

00:40:24

Biz

Host

And I think that the fact that your—the uncle doesn’t have children leads to needing explanation. I think it’s a wonderful time to sit down and really go over things like, pee-pee pants. Green penises. Artistic expression. Indicators of high intelligence. 

00:40:49

Theresa

Host

Mm-hm.

00:40:50

Biz

Host

I think all of these things are very evident by what your child has drawn on the card. And just like Hallmark, when you care to send the very best, put pee-pee pants on it. You’re doing a horrible job… I dunno. Not supporting your child’s artistic endeavors? Ugh! [Laughs.] 

00:41:15

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, Biz and Theresa. I’m calling with a “I don’t know what school my kids go to” fail. 

[Biz laughs.] 

Last June, our pediatric dentist was to schedule, y’know, all your kids the same appointment, if you want. And I had been scheduling my two older ones for the same appointment and my younger one for a different appointment because, y’know, she was young and wanted me to be with her the whole time, etcetera. And so the last appointment back in June was like, y’know, she did really well. She’d be okay if I just put them all in the same appointment. This is great. This is amazing. So when I was scheduling for their sixth-month—their next sixth-month appointment—it’s gonna be in December, I was like, “Just put ‘em all in the same appointment. I just need one.” 

I got all the way to November [through laughter] and then I looked at the calendar and went, “I can’t do that. My kids don’t go to the same school anymore.” They were—last year, all at the same school for one beautiful, COVID-ruined year. But my oldest is going to middle school so she’s at a totally different school! And it’s like, I can’t—I’d have to go and pick her up extra-early and then get them and then drop them off and the same—and… what I was thinking? What I was thinking was, surely my children will always be at the same school forever. Won’t that be beautiful? No. No. So I had to reschedule. 

Luckily the dentist is real nice about rescheduling and I was able to reschedule her—my oldest—for a different appointment. But I did like a multi-level fail. It’s the fail of hubris. Being like, “Oh ho, look! I can get all my kids in the same appointment! They’re all old enough now!” And it’s the fail of just straight-up forgetting that my kid is going to a new school. It’s not like we hadn’t spent all of that last end of the year thinking about middle school, talking about middle school, and planning for middle school, etcetera. And then also the fail of—I missed my window that they could’ve all gone to the same appointment. We’ll never be able to do that again. [Laughs.] Anyway! You guys are doing a great job. I really appreciate the show. Thanks. Bye. [Laughs.] 

00:43:16

Biz

Host

I appreciate that you acknowledged your first fail was hubris. [Laughs.] 

[Theresa laughs.] 

00:43:21

Theresa

Host

Yeah. Yeah. 

00:43:25

Biz

Host

This… makes so much sense. 

00:43:29

Theresa

Host

It’s a different part of your brain, kind of. I’ve done that kind of stuff so many times with scheduling? ‘Cause there’s too many variables. Especially with three. ‘Cause you’re not connecting—you were just thinking about the variable of, “Can they all be here at the same time?” You weren’t thinking through all the details of the week and where people are. Yeah. It’s just—

00:43:55

Biz

Host

Yeah. And you booked this appointment way back, and—

00:43:58

Theresa

Host

Well, and that’s how dentists’ appointments always are. I always get to the dentist appointment and I’m like, “Really? Why did I schedule this this way?” And then I’m like, “Oh, yeah, ‘cause this one was going to camp and then this other one had this therapy on this day. So of course we would—” And it’s like a totally different thing six months later!

00:44:17

Biz

Host

Yeah! Yeah! And let’s just acknowledge another thing that has been impacted by the pandemic. Y’know. We all—what was it? When school kinda started up again, everybody was leaving calls about showing up at the wrong school. Sitting there—y’know. “Why isn’t the back-to-school night happening? I’m at the wrong school!” We sent people to the wrong camps that we hadn’t signed up for. Guys? Ellis was in kindergarten the last time we were in school. We’re in second grade.

00:44:50

Theresa

Host

That was so long ago. It was so long ago.

00:44:54

Biz

Host

Yeah. I’m just impressed that you got your kids to the dentist. Like, ever. In your life. Right?

00:45:03

Theresa

Host

Yeah. 

00:45:04

Biz

Host

Well, you’re failing knowing the critical information where your children are during the hours of eight to three. So. Failing. Don’t tell anybody.

00:45:15

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi! This is a fail. My kids go to Spanish school and I’m gonna learn Spanish. I’ll learn Spanish yet. This morning as I’m walking them off I just shouted, “Bienvenidos!” At the crossing lady.

[Biz laughs.] 

And I felt like a big idiot. And then right after that I showed up to my dentist appointment an hour and a half early. And then I come home and I take a nap. For two hours! And then… then I realize that my underpants are inside-out. So I’m just gonna—

[Theresa laughs.] 

Maybe I’ll blame it all on Daylight Savings? But it’s been quite a day. Anyways, everybody else is doing a great job. [Through laughter] Bienvenidos! [Laughs.] Bye. 

[Biz laughs.] 

00:46:09

Biz

Host

It could’ve been worse. You could’ve been wearing the underpants on the outside of your pants. That is a thing… that—I was halfway around the Rose Bowl walking when I realized that I had my pants—like, the jogger pants, whatever they are? The legging things? Inside-out! And we all know that the inside has a dark mesh-y, like… it’s just like, “Everybody look right here!” Is what that is.

00:46:37

Theresa

Host

For your crotch?

00:46:38

Biz

Host

At your crotch, right. That’s—because it’s inside-out, then everybody knows it’s inside-out. And everybody’s like, “Your stuff was against that at some point in time.” They weren’t thinking that to begin with but now they are. I’m just saying—you could have had your underpants on top of your clothes. But you didn’t. They were just inside-out, which is still discombobulating. Yelling even in your native tongue—

[Theresa laughs.] 

—at people on the street can make you feel weird if they are not responsive. [Laughs.] And showing up at the wrong time for the—that’s a massive chunk of your day wasted. Showing up an hour and a half early for a dental appointment. ‘Cause you still didn’t have to go back to the dental appointment. What do you do? It’s not even enough time to turn your underwear inside-out! Y’know. Everything is impossible.

[Theresa laughs.] 

And… you’re doing a horrible job thinking that it’s not, I guess. [Laughs.] 

[Theresa laughs.] 

00:47:41

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Whew! This is [through laughter] definitely a personal fail of mine. And a little bit of a nightmare come true. I took my daughter to open swim this morning because of course we had overslept and missed her swim lessons bright and early. So I thought, at least we’ll get into the pool. We’ve already had to miss a couple sessions ‘cause of illness and whatnot. Hurrying out the door probably didn’t get our things prepared the way that I should have, and didn’t have my husband with like I normally do. Normally I would bring her and her little stroller down, but we were going in a different door and from first look from my car there appeared to just be stairs. 

So I carried her in, along with both of our bags. Filled with too much stuff that we didn’t actually need. Of course there was a ramp and we could’ve taken the stroller and next time I will. Anyway, went. Swam for a little bit. Had fun. I had thought I was planning ahead of time? And I had put her and myself in swimsuits underneath our clothes so when we got in, we didn’t go into the locker room. We just shed our outer layers, got in our swimsuits, got in the pool immediately. When we were done I just grabbed our bags that were sitting on the chair. Left the other stuff out there. Figured nothing of value. Went into the locker room, got warmed up in the shower, got my daughter changed. I started digging in the bags for my change of clothes and realized—I only had my underwear and bra with me. And my actual clothes were still sitting on the chairs outside next to the pool. So I’m in the locker room contemplating, “Do I walk out with this towel around me and very obviously wearing a bra and underwear? Or do I somehow get up the courage to ask someone else to go get our clothes?”

[Biz laughs.] 

All of my social anxieties were voting for the towel, but also struggling with that. Understandably. Finally I just decided—I saw a woman and her kid that she was pretty much dressed and so I asked her if she wouldn’t mind going to get my clothes and of course she was more than happy to help us out, recognizing that me holding my nine-month-old and all of my stuff, probably had my hands full. So thankfully this woman came to my help, ran and grabbed my clothes, and we were able to walk out without complete shame and embarrassment. I will definitely try and get myself together and will always do the stroller from here on out. Thanks for listening! I love you guys. Bye. 

00:50:21

Theresa

Host

This is why I stopped going to the pool with my kids. For real. I could not—

[Biz laughs.] 

—keep it all—I couldn’t figure—it took so much executive planning to organize who’s wearing what, bringing what, where are you showering, what do you need to shower, when do you shower—especially when they’re babies or they’re so little that you don’t want them crawling on the floor of the room. Y’know. Bringing in the stroller, strapping them in while you change but you have to get them ready first. Or you’re just like standing—I don’t know. There are just so many steps to it in order for it to be done—

[Biz laughs.] 

—without running into this problem that you just ran into? That I just—my brain got too tired. I was like, “I just don’t wanna deal with all of this [through laughter] right now.”

00:51:11

Biz

Host

Yet another thing that might bring me joy, I’m gonna flick to the side of—and that’s just it. Is once the list of steps grows to two, I think the fun just gets sucked right out of it. I’m not far from a beach, guys. My desire to take this family to the beach… is… zero. Because of all the things you just said. And all the things that Theresa just said. Yeah. No. Not fun. Again you should never have tried to get ahead of this by wearing your swimsuit in. 

[Theresa laughs.] 

‘K? Two, you should never have thought you were a person and that you guys coulda just gone down the stairs into the—and enjoy yourselves. And three, just… why would you even wanna go shower? Why not just get in your car soaking wet? That—

00:52:09

Theresa

Host

Which I’ve done. So many times.

00:52:11

Biz

Host

Oh, that’s what I do! Yeah!

00:52:13

Theresa

Host

Because of not wanting to run into all of this stuff. Like, “Eh, I’ll just drive home in a towel.”

00:52:18

Biz

Host

Yeah! Drive home in a towel! That’s right. Honk, honk from the truckers! Drive home in a towel. You’re doing a horrible job—I dunno—doing things. [Laughs.]

00:52:31

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hello, One Bad Mother universe! This is a fail. Which stings because it’s one of those where I thought it was a genius. So my two-year-old daughter loves all things “pumpkin face,” which is her phrase for jack-o’-lanterns. 

[Biz laughs.] 

She loves her pumpkin face t-shirt. She loves her pumpkin face dress. She loves the pumpkin face decoration we have in the front yard that is like a metal… it’s like three of ‘em stacked on top of each other and it’s flat and it’s by our mailbox and it’s great. All things pumpkin face! Until… we go to actually do the real thing last night. And we carved two jack-o’-lanterns. And she was not freaking having it. Like… was afraid of it, kept looking at it all weird, and then this morning—so we have them out front, and we showed her them lit up. We blew the candles out. That made her feel a little better. Well this morning we go out and she looks at the pumpkin and then she looks at me and goes, “Pumpkin face crying?” And I was like, “Oh my gosh, I have traumatized my child by actually trying to provide the real thing.” So I don’t know why she things the jack-o’-lantern is crying. Maybe it’s because you can still see some of the Sharpie from where, y’know, Dad drew the design on there. But what we thought was gonna be a really cute, really sweet family moment turned my child into the Lorax and she speaks for the pumpkins and don’t carve them, apparently.

[Biz laughs.] 

I suck. You’re all doing a great job, and thank you so much for having a place where we can share all these horrible things! Byeee.

00:54:18

Biz

Host

Why does the pumpkin cry? The pumpkin cries… because Mommy and Daddy murdered it.

[Theresa laughs.] 

I mean, every year—every year—we go to do pumpkins. And the moment I jab the knife in, I’m waiting for the response. I am waiting for it to go sideways. And then it doesn’t. And then I rip its head off—like, the top, its skull. Its skullcap. I rip that off. Again, nothing. I jam my hands in there and I’m ripping out all of its guts. And again, nothing. So—and I am in a house where we can’t make gingerbread-shaped gingerbread cookies ‘cause that is cruel. Can’t—that’s too sad. Can’t make a squirrel one. Too sad. You can make a tree and a circle. I know why the pumpkin cries. And you’ve also ruined jack-o’-lanterns forever! [Laughs.] You’re never—you guys are never gonna have jack-o’-lanterns again. Like, that’s a possible reality.

00:55:30

Theresa

Host

Until next year. I dunno. She sounds pretty little.

00:55:33

Biz

Host

I say—you say that, but I—there are things we’ll never have and it’s been years.

00:55:39

Theresa

Host

I see. I see. I see.

00:55:41

Biz

Host

I’ll never make a bunny Easter Rabbit cake ever again. What am I supposed to do with that thing? I keep it just in case—maybe this is the year I can make that god-awful ‘70s rabbit cake. But the answer’s no. We’ll—according to Ellis, we will never make that cake again. 

00:56:00

Theresa

Host

Wow. 

00:56:01

Biz

Host

Yeah. So… I hope that makes you feel better! [Laughs.] 

[Theresa laughs.] 

00:56:10

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, One Bad Mother! This is a fail. I just moved across the country and so I’m behind on pretty much everything in my life, so I decided I would finally get ahead on something and do my Christmas shopping early. So I made a list and bought everything online and was feeling really, really good about myself… until it was delivered. Not to my new place, but to my old place. So all of my child’s Christmas toys are on the other side of the country. I have no way of getting them, and I just have to hope that the companies will be very… helpful in retrieving those somehow?

[Biz laughs.] 

I have no idea what I’m gonna do for Christmas now. Anyway. Check your saved addresses before you check out! Thanks for listening. You’re all doing a great job and today I’m not doing such a good one. Bye. 

00:57:01

Theresa

Host

Wow. You sound really… calm and accepting of this? But I hope you rage-cried. 

00:57:09

Caller

Caller

Theresa: After the call, or maybe beforehand.

Biz: Yeah. I would have rage-cried. 

00:57:12

Theresa

Host

Because really… the stress of moving, the fact that you moved across-country, and the trying to get ahead and feeling accomplished and then having that just ripped out of your hands? 

00:57:24

Biz

Host

Ripped!

00:57:26

Theresa

Host

And then handed a new obstacle? That honestly—let’s face it—is gonna be really challenging to resolve. 

00:57:34

Biz

Host

Yeah! You’re gonna—there’s gonna be cancelling. There’s gonna be begging for refunds. There’s then having to spend money again, which no one wants to do. This is like ordering groceries and then not having hit the “send” button and then—

00:57:52

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz: —waiting for an hour in the parking lot. Yeah.

Theresa: Yeah. And then walking away. Yeah. 

00:57:55

Biz

Host

That’s this times a hundred. 

00:57:57

Theresa

Host

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

00:57:59

Biz

Host

Yeah. This—I’m so happy to see Theresa, because when some calls like this come in, I like to watch Theresa’s face progress.

[Theresa laughs.] 

From—throughout the call. So even—if you—you say, “I moved across country.” And I watched Theresa process it.

[Theresa laughs.] 

And then I watch you say—I hear you say, “In order to get ahead I ordered the presents early.” And that’s where Theresa’s face starts to like kinda twist up a little, like, “What? Why would you—that seems… incredible.” Right? Which—it does! It does! Because you’re in the middle of moving!

00:58:37

Theresa

Host

It’s disbelief.

00:58:38

Biz

Host

It’s disbelief! And then I shoot up to Gabe’s face when you dropped that they’re all at the wrong place. Gabe’s mouth is visibly hanging open. And that’s always fun to make Gabe’s mouth hang open during these. So you’re doing a good job making us all sit here in awe, but you’re doing a horrible job and you’ve ruined Christmas! [Laughs.] 

[Theresa laughs.] 

00:59:01

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi! This is a fail. I had a baby in February.

[Biz laughs.] 

And it’s now November, so he’s eight-and-a-half months old. And it’s November, so we went to go swap out our snow tires. And we realized that we never took them off. Because we had a baby and we were in baby land. So that’s how the last eight-and-a-half months have gone if you need any indication of where my brain has been. Oh, man. I suck at maintaining my life. You guys are doing a great job. Thanks for the hotline. 

00:59:44

Theresa

Host

Oh, this is a really good—

[Biz laughs.] 

—like, metaphor. This is really a great—if somebody’s like, “What’s it like having a baby, like the first year of having a baby?” This is really a great way of—because it—it makes total sense. If you haven’t done it, it’s hard to imagine how could you really have not, at least in like May or June, looked around and realized, “Jeez, we really—” But like, yes! This—of course! Of course! Why would you be thinking about snow tires or tires at all? Or your car at all? 

01:00:21

Biz

Host

Yeah! Yeah! Why would you—you’re in baby land. The only thing required—I’m pretty sure you have to use snow tires in baby land.

[Theresa laughs.] 

When you’re visiting there. When you’re living there. Total different set of city ordinances for pretty much everything. What were you gonna do, take that baby and sit there and change those tires? I have sat at a tire place with a baby. That wasn’t fun for any of us. And it didn’t even speed up the process. The screaming and me crying. None of that made it happen faster. This is one of those moments where I hear your voice, Theresa, of the, “When we have children, our brains shift to preserve life.” And all—it’s all supposed to be happening this way. And I think this is an even-more believable example of that. Of your natural instincts and hormones kicking in to preserve not only your life, but the life of your child.

01:01:27

Theresa

Host

Yeah. But not of your car.

01:01:28

Biz

Host

Definitely not of your car.

01:01:30

Theresa

Host

Or your tires.

01:01:31

Biz

Host

Yes. Except for your tires. Well, you’re doing a horrible job peopling. But, y’know, you did a good job making a people, so that’s pretty good. Everybody? In all seriousness, you’re doing a really remarkable job. And in case not, we have a hotline that you can call and leave a breakdown. And when we come back, we will wrap up our 6^th-Ever Holiday Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant with that rant.

01:02:06

Music

Music

“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics.

You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known.

I love you, I love you.

When I have a problem, I call you on the phone.

I love you, I love you.

[Music fades out.]

01:02:29

Promo

Music: Upbeat, bouncy theme song plays in background. 

Dan McCoy: Hey, I’m Dan McCoy

Stuart Wellington: I’m Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan: And I’m Elliott Kalan. Together we’re The Flop House. 

Dan: A podcast where we watch a bad movie and then talk about it! 

Elliott: Movies like Space Hobos; Into The Outer Reaches of the Unknown and the Things That We Don’t Know: The Movie; and also—Who’s That Grandma?

Stuart: Zazzle-Zippers; Breakdown 2; and… Backhanded Compliment!

Dan: Elvis is a Policeman.

Elliott: Baby Crocodile and the Happy Twins.

Dan: Leftover Potatoes?

Stuart: Station Wagon 3.

Elliott: Herbie Goes to Hell.

Dan: New episodes available every-other Saturday!

Elliott: Available at MaximumFun.org, or wherever you get your podcasts! 

All: Byeee!

01:03:16

Promo

Clip

Music: Strumming banjo.

Announcer: Welcome!

Four voices overlapping: Thank you. Thanks. No problem. Thank you!

Announcer: These are real podcast listeners, not actors! What do you look for in a podcast?

Speaker 1: Reliability is big for me.

Speaker 2: Power.

Speaker 3: I’d say comfort?

Announcer: What do you think of this? 

[Sound of something crashing.]

Three voices in unison: Oohhh!

Speaker 2: That’s Jordan, Jesse, Go!. 

Speaker 1: Jordan, Jesse, Go!?

Speaker 2: They came out of the… floor?

[Thumping sound.]

Speaker 2: And down from the ceiling?

Speaker 3: That can’t be safe.

Speaker 4: I’m upset. Can we go now?

Announcer: Soon.

Music: Cheerful, jangly music plays. 

Announcer: Jordan, Jesse, Go!—a real podcast. 

[Music fades out.]

01:03:54

Biz

Host

We’re back! With the 6^th-Ever Holiday Genius Failure Spectacular Plus Rant!

01:04:01

Music

Music

[Celebratory symphonic music.] 

01:04:10

Biz

Host

Theresa? Ooooh! It’s so nice to see you! In my mind, I snuggle up next to you when I listen to a mom having a breakdown. But today I’m gonna snuggle up in your eyes. And I— [Laughs.] Let’s listen to a mom have a breakdown. 

01:04:27

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi, Biz and Theresa. This is—this is gonna land squarely in the “rant” category. Because I don’t do well with change. At all. Like, at all. I don’t like it. I don’t look for it. And then I find myself in a season where everything is changing. My husband’s starting a new job. We’re looking to move and to buy a house and the stress is up to my eyeballs. And I have to find a new job and I keep looking and I see things I would be good at but that I don’t feel inspired about because it’s hard to feel inspired about anything because everything is changing. And it’s a challenge. I don’t do well. And… [sighs.] 

I just… this should be a happy time. But it’s not. But it should be, so then I feel guilty that I’m not happy and excited about all these new opportunities. And I think I can hear the voice of my mom saying, like, “Rise to the challenge!” And I just don’t know if I can this time. Because I’m so tired. I am so tired. And… it’s just a lot. And I—underneath this all is jealousy because my husband is in counseling and getting the help that he needs and has this new job opportunity that’s [inaudible] and things are going really well for him and that’s awesome and I should be so happy for him. 

But then I ask, like, what I want things [inaudible], too. And it’s just a lot. And I know it’ll be okay eventually, but right now it is a lot. So… thank you for listening. Because sometimes that’s what we need. And thanks for telling me I’m doing a good job ‘cause right now I feel like I’m not. But. I think that maybe one day at a time I can. Thank you. 

01:06:38

Biz

Host

You are doing a good job. And… [Laughs.] I just wanna start with the notion of “I’m sure eventually it’s going to be okay.” If I break my arm, eventually it’s gonna be okay. But… for a while? It’s not! [Laughs.] For a while, it’s gonna be difficult to do stuff. For a while, it’s going to hurt. For a while, I’m gonna have to learn how to use and rely on other things while it heals. I—you’re right! I’m sure—yeah, sure! Sure. It will—it will [through laughter] eventually be something else. But that doesn’t mean that right now, you have to feel like… you’re—you’re healed. Your broken arm’s better. Right? This is a lot of change. And I really appreciate what a good job you’re doing being aware of what is hard for you. 

01:07:56

Theresa

Host

Yeah. I think it’s interesting how aware you are of why this is hard. And what’s hard about it for you. And I just… I am extended you so much patience right now as you go through this. Because I think yeah! You definitely can’t get inspired about a new job while you’re dealing with these things right now. And very few people could. I mean, it’s disorienting. It’s dysregulating. It’s a lot for your mind and your body to process all of these changes? And in order to be in a place where you can get excited about making plans for the future or making plans like picking a job or a project you really wanna work on. Those foundational baseline things that make you feel secure and comfortable? Have to be settled. That stuff has to be there. It doesn’t mean like every detail of your life needs to be organized in order for that to happen, but you need to feel good and calm and relaxed and safe and secure in what’s happening. And you just—you pointed out very clearly you don’t feel that way right now, and that is such a valid place to be. Like you were saying, Biz, you’re in the broken arm. And even though you know the arm is going to heal, it’s still broken right now. So just because you know it's gonna heal doesn’t mean all is well and good right now. 

[Biz laughs.] 

It means you don’t need to fall apart over it, but you know that you need to extend yourself some patience and some time. 

01:09:46

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz: Right! Sometimes rising to the occasion—

Theresa: There. In this place.

01:09:49

Biz

Host

—just means getting up on your knees. Okay? It doesn’t mean full charge ahead. Right? Like you said, step after step. And… [sighs.] We have openly admitted on this show—repeatedly—that, y’know, jealousy and resentment of partners or friends or other relatives—that that’s real. That’s real. You’re not a horrible person for feeling that way. You’re not a bad person. That is a normal feeling. Relationship dynamics are incredibly complicated. Even when there aren’t kids in the house. You didn’t even mention the kids in your house. I know that that’s folded into this. I know that that’s—that there’s something hanging off that broken arm of yours. Right? And it is really easy for—when changes are happening, for one, for everything to feel out of balance. Which is just another change that we don’t like. I think you’re doing a most remarkable job. I think you’re doing amazing. And Larry is not here seeing how fast you get through this or how well you cram it in somewhere else. [Laughs.] Larry’s not here to say, “Are you smiling your way through this? Why don’t you feel better? We all think it’s great! Why don’t you think it’s great?” Go to hell, Larry.

[Theresa laughs.] 

So I—you’re doing a good job! And we see you. We—we see how hard this is. 

01:11:35

Theresa

Host

Yeah, we do.

01:11:36

Biz

Host

Yeah. You’re doing great.

01:11:37

Theresa

Host

You are. 

01:11:39

Biz

Host

Everybody? You’re all doing great. This was, y’know, another… difficult, interesting… unpredictable year. This wasn’t a year of plan-making. [Laughs.] This was a year of “can I make a plan to go to work and not have it disrupted by a school cancellation.” Or—

01:12:07

Theresa

Host

Today! Like, today! Yeah! “Can I make a plan for today, for right now? Can I do that?”

01:12:14

Biz

Host

Yeah. “Am I ready to be super flexible at nine o’clock at night if I was even online to see whatever email was coming in at nine o’clock.” The answer’s no.

[Theresa groans.]

It’s all the stuff we were been trying to do with just a megawatt light of unpredictability and the requirement to pivot—on a hundred! It’s really sucked, guys. [Laughs.] If it makes you feel any better, the month of December brought in more genius calls than we’ve had in a really long time. Less rants. Less fails. I had to go digging for some fails. So I take that as a positive omen. And I hope you all remember that you’re doing a wonderful job. And like I said last week—you are all so smart and you are all so pretty and you’re all funny and talented and that’s the best pair of peepee pants I’ve ever seen drawn in my life.

[Theresa laughs.] 

And—

01:13:26

Theresa

Host

But I just wanna add one thing to when you were saying this is the most genius calls in December. And rants and fails down? I feel like I noticed—as someone who has stepped away for a little bit of time and is here today—that the fail calls—there was a lot of, “Yep. So I think it’s probably fine.” Or like—

[Biz laughs.] 

“So I got help from someone and then it was fine.” Or—I don’t know if this is just my outlook shifting? But listening to these calls and hearing that there have been so many fewer, I almost wonder if we have transcended something. Just as parents right now. With everything that we’ve been through the past two years. To where there is some grace. And some more patience. That we are affording to ourselves as a whole… because—because we have to. Because—and because we are all… we’ve been under extreme circumstances for so long? That something else has to shift. It just isn’t… it’s just not gonna be the same expectations. It’s just not possible. So good job, everybody.

01:14:52

Biz

Host

Yeah! Good job! Theresa? It is my absolute pleasure to tell you what a good job you are doing. You are doing a great job. I see you. 

01:15:06

Theresa

Host

Thanks, Biz. 

01:15:08

Biz

Host

You are fucking aces. [Laughs.] 

[Theresa laughs.] 

01:15:12

Theresa

Host

Thank you. You are also doing an absolutely incredible job, Biz. 

01:15:19

Biz

Host

Thank you. And I will talk to you guys next week. 

01:15:24

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz and Theresa: Byeee!

01:15:27

Music

Music

“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics.

I got the lowdown momma blues

Got the the lowdown momma blues

Gots the lowdown momma blues

The lowdown momma blues. 

Gots the lowdown momma blues

Got the lowdown momma blues

You know that’s right.

[Music fades.]

01:15:51

Biz

Host

We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Gabe Mara; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.

01:16:20

Theresa

Host

One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate.

[Music resumes for a while before fading out.]

01:16:43

Music

Transition

A cheerful ukulele chord.

01:16:44

Speaker 1

Guest

MaximumFun.org.

01:16:45

Speaker 2

Guest

Comedy and culture.

01:16:47

Speaker 3

Guest

Artist owned—

01:16:48

Speaker 4

Guest

—Audience supported.