TRANSCRIPT One Bad Mother Episode 400: The 1st-Ever and Only 400th Episode Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant

400 episodes in and we’re still doing it! Honk honk!

Podcast: One Bad Mother

Episode number: 400

Transcript

biz

Hi. I’m Biz.

theresa

And I’m Theresa.

biz

Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.

theresa

“Summoning the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums. [Continues through dialogue.]

biz

This week on One Bad Mother—what better way to celebrate 400 episodes than with a Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rants?!

crosstalk

Biz and Theresa: Wooooo!

biz

Wooo!

theresa

Woo and wow!

biz

Woo and wow, Theresa. Woo and wow. Four… hundred… episodes!

crosstalk

Theresa: Yeah! Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hm. Biz: Four hundred! I would—

biz

That’s a lotta episodes! I think we forgot about 200 and I’m not sure we said much about 300. But 400! [Theresa laughs.] We remembered to write that down to make note of it.

theresa

Yeah.

biz

Yeah! I—can I tell you how happy I am to have made 400 episodes of One Bad Mother with you!

theresa

Oh, that’s really nice. I just want to say that I’m so grateful that you were able to get us to 400 episodes.

biz

Heyyy! [Laughs.]

theresa

Because as you all may have—may or may not have noticed—I certainly have not been carrying the load that I once carried on this show. And I’m just glad—glad that you have been able to keep it going. I mean, this is really cool. It’s 400!

biz

It’s so cool, and I—I must thank the community for helping because… a lot of community past guests, etcetera, stepped up and have helped encourage—it’s so funny. I was looking for—little surprise today, guys. I’ve gone and I’ve pulled some treats from our past for a Genius Fail Spectacular. And in researching or looking for such treats, I had typed in “one bad mother”—y’know how like in Google you type in something and then at the bottom it’ll tell you the most-searched things, right? [Laughs.] And one of them was, “one bad mother where is Theresa?” [Both laugh.] And I was like, “Oh. I’ll click on that.” And it did and nothing came up!

crosstalk

Biz: Like, it wasn’t like—no one knows! So—when you let me know—let me know. Theresa: Nobody knows. Nobody knows. No one knows where Theresa went. [Laughs.] Amazing.

biz

When you know where Theresa went. For me, Theresa.

theresa

[Laughs.] Oh, that’s so funny.

biz

That’s so good. It has now replaced “one bad mother Biz’s husband.” [Both laugh.] Alright! With that said, I think we should jump in to—400 episodes? Who knows what Genius Fail Spectacular this is. All I know is that I’m happy to celebrate it with you and all of you.

theresa

Celebratory orchestral music.

biz

Theresa? Genius… Fail Spectacular. I’ve got a little surprise. Instead of you and I sharing our recent genius moments—

theresa

Boring!

biz

I thought I might—yeah, boring! We’re doing—

theresa

Who needs that? Yeah.

biz

We barely have them. I thought it might be fun to go back into the ol’ One Bad Mother history—her-story—and pull a little genius moment from both of us.

clip

[Dramatic, swelling music in background.] Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius! [Biz and Theresa repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss their respective genius moments of the week.]

music

Sparkly harp music.

biz

Theresa?

theresa

Yeah. I’m just gonna go.

biz

Go!

theresa

Well last night [clears throat] I should say this morning, right before I woke up, I was having a dream that I was eating pie.

biz

Oh. That’s a nice dream.

theresa

And it was delicious.

biz

[Long pause.] That’s it?

theresa

Yep. [Both laugh boisterously.]

biz

Did you—I was hoping a sip of something to drink. I think I totally missed that. Wait. [Both laugh.]

theresa

I totally think that qualifies.

biz

That you had a dream—

theresa

I had an amazing dream right before waking up this morning that I was eating this berry pie and it was really great.

biz

Are you gonna go seek that pie out?

crosstalk

Biz: And fulfill your destiny? Theresa: I’ll probably have pie at some point, yeah.

theresa

But the dream was what makes me a genius. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]

biz

Alright. That’s fine. Mine’s not—it’s fine. I’ll take it. I’ll take it. I don’t know why I’m so disappointed in your pie thing.

theresa

Yeah, I don’t know why you’re disappointed, either! I thought it was great!

biz

It is—[Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.]

biz

Um, alright. My genius— [Both laugh.] I gotta tell ya. The pie dream, Theresa—that is from episode 12.

theresa

Wowwww.

biz

Episode 12.

theresa

Episode… 12.

biz

It caught me so off guard when you presented that you had dreamed—I don’t think I’ve ever let that go.

theresa

No.

biz

No. Ever.

theresa

That has carried us through to 400 episodes.

biz

It has! [Laughs.]

theresa

That shock. That utter confusion.

biz

Huh?! I smell a new t-shirt: “I dreamed of pie.” [Laughs.] The Theresa Thorn Story. Well, you’re still doing a great job.

theresa

Thank you.

biz

Let’s see what I had cooked up. [Laughs.]

music

Sparkly harp music.

theresa

What do you got?

biz

Icing. I did it! I did it. [Theresa laughs.]

theresa

Okay. Remind people—

biz

So to remind everybody, I’ve been to a number of birthday parties for three-year-olds where cupcakes or cake is distributed. Children only lick the icing off and then it’s just a vast sea of cupcake carcasses all over the place and it’s totally fucking disgusting. So Stefan and I agreed that for Katy Belle’s birthday, we were just gonna give kids icing. But because we had the co-party and the other kid, understandably, was gonna want a birthday cake—fine—

crosstalk

Theresa: Like a normal child. [Laughs.] Biz: Like a normal child.

biz

So we got Katy Belle a small cake as well. But I still said, “I’m gonna give the kids the choice of the icing.” Right? So like—[Laughs.] So I stay up all night. They were shoving the, like—I mean I just went and got the can of icing. Shoved it, y’know, in the little icing tube thing. Squirted it in mini cupcake things. Sprinkled over sprinkles. There are pictures of this on Facebook. Put it on a beautiful tray—[Laughs.] Set it out in front of them. And like… the kids—[Laughs.] [Through laughter] The kids were just like, “What the fuck.” The parents all thought it was genius. All the parents were like, “Oh my god, that’s amazing.” And I did feel like a total rock star? Except the kids, again, were like, “There’s cake… but there’s icing.”

theresa

Did they have to pick one or could they have both?

biz

They could do both, but like—

theresa

Both. Yeah.

biz

But no one knew what to do. Everybody was just like, “You’re just gonna give me icing?” Your whole life you’ve been told “Cake is this thing.” So there was—[Laughs.] Kids were just sort of frozen? [Theresa laughs.] And I think if there had been no cake it would’ve made perfect sense? My genius is I committed to my idea and I do think it worked. So that’s my genius.

theresa

That’s awesome. I’m really glad you did it.

biz

Really—and just as a side genius note? Stefan was gone late that night so I was doing the icing and I just—pregnant and my pregnant stuff. Just picked that tube up.

theresa

The pregnant lady icing—

biz

And I just squirted that icing right in my mouth! [Laughs.]

theresa

So great.

biz

It was so fucking good.

theresa

Congratulations.

biz

Thank you.

theresa

That’s the real genius.

biz

It really was. [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.]

biz

Well. Episode 23. Right there.

theresa

Wow. I love how both the genius moments are just us being pregnant and just wanting to eat… really good junk food.

biz

I appreciate that you always congratulate me on my geniuses. [Laughs.]

theresa

Yeah. [Laughs.]

biz

“Congratulations.”

theresa

Yeah.

biz

Well that was a fun trip down memory lane. Let’s—

theresa

Yeah, it was.

biz

—take our best foot and stick it forward into the present, and listen to you guys genius all over the place.

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, One Bad Mother! It’s Katie and I’m here with a genius. And this is listed under “nobody actually cares,” but it was just so hard and I just did it and it was awesome. So my daughter had a doctor’s appointment and it was just a yearly physical. But when I made it, I didn’t know what my schedule was gonna be ‘cause it’s the pandemic and I’m a teacher and our schedule is crazy. And… I didn’t know what her schedule was gonna be. And I had to—for my schedule we’re doing hybrid teaching so I have to teach A-K one bloc and L-Z another bloc and I have to come in some days and I moved heaven and earth to rearrange my schedule but I made it work! [Biz laughs.] And then I had to rush from where I teach to pick up my daughter and then get her out of school and rush to the doctor’s and I thought there was so much traffic and I wasn’t gonna make it and then I made it! [Biz laughs.] I actually went there! And then I made it—brought her back to school and now I’m back home and I’m gonna go home and I’m gonna actually have time to eat lunch before I have to teach my remote classes and I am just so happy because I was worried that I was gonna get stuck in traffic— [Biz laughs.] —and then we wouldn’t get to go to the doctor and then I was gonna have to rearrange my schedule again, but I did it. And everything went so smoothly and it all worked out and I am so proud of everybody in the universe for cooperating. So, woo-hoo! [Biz laughs.] And nobody cares. But I do. So you’re doing a good job. Thank you so much for your show. Bye.

biz

Oh!

theresa

Yeah.

biz

Bra-vo!

theresa

Just an enormous round of applause. I am so happy… [Biz laughs.] About how happy you are about this. Like… you are like… really—you’re really enjoying and basking in this moment. Which is what we all need to be doing so much more. So you are an inspiration?

biz

Yes.

theresa

And… you’re amazing and you’re a genius.

biz

You are a genius. Ride. That. High. [Theresa laughs.]

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa! I am calling with a genius. I don’t feel like I have too many of those these days, so I am calling it a win. My daughter’s sixth birthday is on Tuesday and I was going to make her one of those rainbow layer cakes where you have each layer a different color and I have all the stuff to do it and I was looking at how much time it’s gonna take and I thought, “I’m not gonna do this.” So instead I placed an order for cupcakes that we can get with contactless pickup from a local bakery and… I am not going to spend hours and hours of my weekend making a cake that only four of us are gonna be able to eat. Instead, I’m getting cupcakes and spending time with my kids. So I think that’s a genius and I think you are both doing a great job. And today? I think I am too! Alright. Have a great day. Bye.

biz

You… are the master of your universe. You did—I mean—those rainbow cakes, don’t get me wrong, they are impressive cakes. But you have to cook—unless you’ve got like seven pans to do all the colors of the rainbow at the same time, it’s a full day! And you said… no. You’ve like—that’s really the genius, and I mean that! I’m—as a person who likes to bake cakes and likes to do that kind of stuff, there’s part of me that’s like, “Just do it. You know you want to!” Right? And getting the cupcakes and just granting yourself to not do that thing that you’re okay with. You just didn’t really wanna do it. That’s the genius.

theresa

Yeah. This is—just like the last call, this is all about state of mind. This is celebrating that you can do this? You did it? And you’re feeling great about it. And that’s perfect.

biz

Let’s go feel great about stuff!

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Here is a genius. I feel like I have far fewer of these now that it is pandemic and it has been pandemic for—what—a year? But at nighttime now instead of watching TV—which tends to get my two children very riled up—we’ve decided to play a dice game. And this dice game we play for quarters. So we are gambling with our children. Some may call that a fail. It’s a genius. Kids love it. We love it. It’s fun. And you know what? I’m doing a good job. So are you. Thanks. Buh-bye.

biz

You’ve found a way to enjoy your family during the pandemic! That is—that is a win.

theresa

Plus any kind of evening activity where you’re engaging with your kids but it’s low-key enough that people are not getting overstimulated and bouncing off the walls? That is a total win. That is awesome.

biz

Yeah. I am so glad that is working in your house. Good—[Laughs.] You all know what I mean. You are doing a really good job.

theresa

Yeah, you are.

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] This is a genius! Woooo! [Biz laughs.] I was so excited. You guys? I just sorted out an IEP for my child at the end of the year. And I’m just—I’m freaking out. I’m so excited. I’m so, so grateful. And there’s only like thirty-something days of school left and he’s been doing distance this whole time, and he’s gonna go back soon. We have been putting off assessment for the entire year because we didn’t want him to be assessed virtually and now he’s gonna go back and the school is actually going to be able to assess him in time for next year. We’re not sure if we’re gonna have to move just because we live in the Bay Area. Housing is insane. So we’re gonna be able to get all the information in the books just in case he has to leave school if we’re able to find housing someplace. It’s just such a big deal. I’m so, so excited. Shoutout to any person that has any special needs kids or anything. It is so hard but when you have a win, it is huge. So. Woo-hoo! Yes, yes, yes! You guys are doing a great job and so am I. Hurrah!

biz

[Laughs.] Woo-woooo! You are doing a good job. Those IEPs? Those are really hard. And stressful. To—

theresa

And they can be hard to get. Like, hard to get period. And… definitely during distance learning that’s so tricky and I could see you feeling like, “Oh gosh, I shouldn’t be putting it off. I should let them do this electronically just so it gets done.” But way to go waiting it out and then making it happen and… again, feeling great about it. That’s… so great.

biz

I am enjoying this theme of celebrating our wins!

theresa

I am, too.

biz

Woo-woo!

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] It’s genius time! [Biz laughs.] You know, when this whole pandemic started and the kids were sent home for homeschooling, I bought a printer and a scanner and a shredder. So every couple weeks? When I’m doing a deep dive on cleaning, I find these piles of paper all over the place with schoolwork that’s been completed and turned in and scanned and marked and there’s no reason to keep them. I’m not sentimental. They’re not particularly good artwork. I don’t really care. So I shred ‘em and we recycle that paper. I’ve—last— [makes “bbbbbbth” noise with mouth] six weeks ago? Six months ago? What is time. We used that stuff as Easter grass in the baskets and we’re gonna do it again this year! It’s great. Anyhow. That’s the tip for this year! Have a good one.

biz

Oh, you have fulfilled my every dream of shredding children’s work. [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] [Imitates shredding noise.] [Laughs.] I think this—two geniuses. One, you got yourself prepared for being at home with kids and schoolwork. That printer, the scanner, a shredder—these are a big deal! A lot of times we can just leave stuff at a school building. [Laughs.] Never know it exists. But when it’s in your house, it’s everywhere. And the second is not being sentimental and burning that shit. [Laughs.] Good job!

theresa

Good job.

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa! This is a genius. I bet that a lot of people have already thought of this, but you know how you’re playing a game or you’re trying to play a new game with your kids—or at least the oldest one—and you’re trying to read the instructions and understand what’s going on or you’ve had the game and you forgot what’s going on. You forgot how to play it and you’re trying to remember. And it’s just too—one of the biggest one is not—in a hurry and wants to play right away. The littler one is just getting on your nerves and won’t let you have any time to read the instructions and try to compute it? I live in Germany so sometimes our games are in German so I have to have extra time and focus to try to understand those. And today I was like, “Why don’t I just watch a video so the kids can watch with and we’ll all understand it together?” So I watched a video in German about the game. It was okay. Watched another one in English. Great. And that really helped and then we were able to play and it was fun! And it was a complicated game but we did it and I think if I had tried to read the instructions I would’ve pulled my hair out. So… yay! Genius! I hope you’re all well. Thank you! [Biz laughs.]

biz

You know? This is not something I’ve had on the Hotline. I mean—

theresa

No! It’s a really good one!

biz

It is!

theresa

Yeah. ‘Cause I think you—the—I’ve been in this situation so many times. And I even—I feel almost disembodied in those situations ‘cause I’m looking down on myself knowing how pointless it is and how impossible it is? But I’m still trying to do it? And yeah! Because it’s really hard to learn how to do something at the same time that you’re babysitting and teaching somebody how to do the thing that you’re trying to learn how to do. It’s just—it’s too many processes at once, simultaneously? [Biz laughs.] And removing yourself from the teacher role and just making YouTube do that for you or whatever… is so smart! It makes so much sense!

biz

You just taught us two lessons. That’s what you did! You are doing an amazing job!

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, One Bad Mother! This is a genius. My eighteen-month-old is absolutely obsessed with bubbles? I’m talking bubbles from soap. Bubbles that you blow in the air. Bubbles—bubbles. All things bubble. He’ll find a bubble in a level if you let him look at it for long enough and get real excited. The trouble about this is that he doesn’t care about the actual bubbles at all. You can blow bubbles in the air all day. He won’t even look at ‘em. But he will ask for bubbles all day. Which is kind of a lot of emotional labor, as it turns out, and I finally cracked the code. In the bath the other day he wanted the bubbles so bad. And finally, I took a bottle of bubbles with a little bubble wand in it? And I poured the rest of the actual bubbles in the sink and rinsed it out and I gave him the container with the bubble wand. I filled it with good old-fashioned water and I let him go to town. He just wants to put the bubble wand in the bubble jar. And he can do that now. And he can drink the bubbles if he needs to ‘cause they’re just water. Nobody cares. Thanks for listening. Have a good day. Buh-bye.

biz

This is good. Because there is—this is about decoding. There are so many times kids—especially around that age—become obsessed with something. And as an adult you see it from one angle. Like, “Oh, it’s bubbles. It’s clearly… bubbles.”

theresa

“Yeah. It must be bubbles. Yeah.”

biz

“Must be bubbles. Is the bubble not big enough? Do I need it to be a bigger bubble? Do I need the bubble to come out of my hand or my mouth or what?” And it’s—that’s not it! And the emotional labor stinks because you’re like, “It’s a bubble! Why don’t you just stop asking! It’s right fucking here!” [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] “My hands, they’re pruning!” Right? And your kid’s just like, “Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbbbles! Buuuubbles!” And all they wanted was toast. Right? And sometimes it takes a second to figure that out? And you did it!

theresa

You did it.

biz

You did it! Ya did it.

theresa

You did it.

biz

Good job.

theresa

Good job.

biz

Let’s… have one more genius.

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] So this might be an act of desperation? But screw it. I’m gonna call it a genius. So my kiddo was not turning in his Zoom assignments and I was getting messages from the teacher complaining about it. I mean, never mind that—why are first-graders getting this amount of homework anyway? [Biz laughs.] But I digress. And after trying so many different things to get him to do his work? Finally decided—you know what? We’re just gonna start paying you to do your homework. [Biz laughs.] So now he gets a dollar for every assignment he turns in. Started recently getting praise from his teacher that he’s turning in his work! So it’s working. And the way I see it? We live in a society. [Biz laughs.] Eventually he’s gonna have to enter this capitalist hellscape. So might as well learn that you deserve to be compensated for your labor. And I think that’s a good thing to teach. Thank you? For the show? And you’re all doing a great job!

biz

Oh yeah. There’s no way this is gonna go wrong one day. [Theresa laughs.] Like, there’s no way one day you’re gonna be so fucking tired of this? It’s not gonna happen. Because you’re a genius. And you have solved a problem in your house. It’s… I—you know, I am the first one to be like, “Pay ‘im! Just pay ‘im! Bet ‘em!” But you know, like, we bet in this house. “That you—I bet you a dollar you can’t make your bed in five minutes or less.” Right? Like, I think—just—absolutely! I 100% support bribing. I have no idea what kind of lesson this is teaching. I don’t know. I can’t—

theresa

Something about society, she says. Which I feel like—sure.

biz

I will go with “society.” I will go with “paying for your work.” This is obviously a lesson that seven-year-olds need to know. [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] I love this! The real genius is that you did something to make your life a little easier? And I seriously congratulate you.

theresa

I do, too. Good job.

biz

Good. Job.

music

“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds. [Music fades out.]

music

Cheerful ukulele music with whistling plays in background.

biz

One Bad Mother is supported in part by Billie. Self-care and routine are more important than ever. And whatever you’re using to get ready for the day should make you feel amazing! [Singing] Do-do-do-doo! [Regular voice] Meet Billie. For those who want an extra-smooth shave, the Billie razor is amazing! I don’t know if you know this, but a lot of us are having to go back in public again. [Laughs.] And I gotta tell you—as somebody who may not attend to my body hair as much when I don’t have to go places—[Laughs.] The Billie razor is awesome. It has given me the smoothest shave ever. I could not believe how soft my legs were. One swipe! One pass at it! One pass at it, everybody! And it was gone! It was so good. [Singing] Pluussss [regular voice] I really just am stupid in love with the magnet holder that I can stick my razor on when I am done. So. You can go to MyBillie.com/mother and get the best razor you will ever own! It is just $9 to get your starter kit. Plus free shipping, always. Go to MyBillie.com/mother. Spelled MyB-I-L-L-I-E.com/mother. [Music fades out.]

biz

We are back for our [singing] It’s the 400th Episode Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rants! Woo!

music

Celebratory orchestra music.

biz

Failures.

clip

[Dramatic, swelling music in background.] Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius! [Biz and Theresa repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss their respective genius moments of the week.]

biz

Theresa. I went digging once again!

theresa

Goodie!

biz

[Laughs.] Let’s— [Theresa laughs.] Let’s see how we once failed. [Laughs.]

music

Sparkly harp music.

biz

This little gem comes to us from episode 160, Theresa. It was our very first live show and it was at MaxFunCon back in 2016.

theresa

So for those of you who are not familiar with swim diapers— [Audience laughs. Theresa and Biz join in.] This is gonna be less of a gross fail than you think it’s gonna be and more of a sad fail than you think it’s gonna be. Swim diapers are—they look like regular diapers, but they’re not absorbent at all because otherwise they would just absorb all the water in the pool or the beach or whatever. So they basically just hold solid in. That’s all they’re for. But that’s what you put on your kid when you are taking them to the pool. And getting ready for this trip I was super excited to take my kids to the pool, as always. And Biz and I were having a meeting a couple days ago and we happened to talk about MaxFunCon a little bit. And Biz mentioned—you know, she’s not bringing her kids—but she said, “Oh hey! I don’t know if you have swim diapers for Oscar, but I just happened to notice I still have a big stash of some for Ellis. If you want me to bring some for you, I can.” And I said, “Oh.” I had not even thought about swim diapers. And I felt like a total idiot that I just was not thinking about swim diapers and that that would ruin it! I wouldn’t be able to take Oscar swimming without them. So I thought, “Yeah, no, actually, I definitely have some at home. I just need to pull them out. Thank you for reminding me. I’ll be fine.” Cut ahead to Friday. I’m picking up the kids from their morning at preschool. I have the car totally packed. We’re leaving from preschool to come to Lake Arrowhead. And I’m pulling out of preschool and I get a text from Biz— [Biz laughs.] —that says, “So do you need any swim diapers?”

biz

I can’t let go of swim diapers, guys. For whatever reason.

theresa

So I hadn’t thought about them again. At all. [Audience laughs.] In-between. Like, at all! Like, I don’t know how. So I’m texting her back, thinking to myself, like, “Oh my god. First of all, why is she even thinking of this right now?” [Audience laughs.] But thank god that she is because yes, I totally need them. So I texted her like, “You’re my hero if you can bring some because I officially just forgot about this.” We’re at MaxFunCon. WE have breakfast together on Saturday morning. We’re gonna go to the pool! Yeah! Great! Awesome! Okay, great! See ya later! Bye! I get back to my room and I get a text from Biz, like, “Oh, I don’t know if you need any swim diapers…” [All laugh.] But—so I got them from her, guys, in the end. And we did go swimming. But that was three whole rounds of this.

biz

Because for no good reason, I’m constantly thinking about swim diapers, guys. [Audience laughs, applauds.] I am no longer the woman that I used to be. [Laughs.] [Self-mocking voice] “Does anybody need swim diapers or a granola bar? I totally have one on me!” No longer smokes or something cool.

theresa

Anyway.

biz

Well, you suck, Theresa. You’re a horrible parent and I’m sorry that you have failed your children so hardly.

crosstalk

Theresa: It actually made me concerned for the health of my brain. Yeah. Biz: Driving home? Nice. [Laughs.]

theresa

That is so funny and I also have the sense that that wasn’t the last of that saga. Like, the swim diapers saga continued on. Beyond that.

biz

Yeah. It did. It—I believe there are more fails out there—somewhere in the 400 episodes that we have done—in which you forgot swim diapers again!

theresa

Yeah. I think so.

biz

Here’s to more years of us forgetting things no matter how many times we remind ourselves! [Theresa laughs.] You’re doing a horrible job. [Laughs.]

theresa

I know. Yeah.

biz

Here’s another little gem that’ll make you feel better about your swim diapers. [Theresa laughs.] It’s one of my classic fails. From episode… 2.

music

Sparkly harp music.

biz

Well, my fail is really, really horrible. So Katy Belle spends a lot of time in the bathtub and she was looking for—I don’t even know how it came to this, really. Like she’s looking for a cave to play with with her fish in the water. And I grabbed a mason jar? Like, we have a lot of the mason jars all over our house ‘cause, y’know, I think I’m gonna can or something?

theresa

‘Cause you’re really cool

biz

I’m really cool. Flowers in a mason jar.

crosstalk

Theresa: Do you guys use them to drink water out of? ‘Cause that’s pretty cool. Are you from Brooklyn or Portland or Austin? Or—[Laughs.] Biz: I drink water out of it. I put toothbrushes in it. [Inaudible] Alabama!

biz

Everybody uses mason jars there. No, I can. I can every once in a while. I make jam.

crosstalk

Theresa: You have a legitimate reason to have them. Alright. Okay. Can’t wait. Biz: This summer you’re gonna get some jam. Anyway.

biz

But I, for some reason, thought of all the various vessels that could be used as a cave, this glass jar would make total sense. [Theresa sucks in air through her teeth.]

theresa

Oh god.

biz

So yeah. Everybody’s face is—yep. It’s coming. So I give it to her and she’s playing with it in the water. She kinda lets it go and it fills with water and sinks to the bottom. And then you hear the one time it kinda drops in the tub and you hear the weird noise? And I was like, “Everybody freeze!” And I mean, it’s a clean break. The glass?

theresa

Oh, thank god.

biz

I mean, she’s fine. But either way you gotta pull her out of the tub. You gotta drain the tub. It’s like, “What?!”

crosstalk

Theresa: For the tiny splinters of glass. Yeah. What were you thinking? How many glasses of wine had you had before—[Laughs.] Biz: “What am I fucking thinking?” I was—I really don’t know. And by the way, I had had no wine by this point in time.

theresa

Stop giving your child breakables!

biz

Living on the edge. It’s pretty bad.

biz

Well… go ahead. [Laughs.]

theresa

I can’t believe that was episode 2, first of all. Because I remember that so well.

biz

Episode… 2!

theresa

Crazy! Okay.

biz

Only one child in existence in my house. And—

theresa

And you were still fucking up that badly. [Laughs.]

biz

Badly! That badly! I know! I know! I still give my kids mason jars all the time.

theresa

It’s great. Especially when they’re doing water play. When their hands are extra-slippery. Do you also grease it up with butter before you hand it to them?

biz

Little—well, butter, that actually might stick in the water. So I just put a little bit of, like, soap. Some really good dish soap on it? [Theresa laughs.] So we do a combination glass and bubble play?

theresa

Mm-hm. That sounds great.

biz

And then maybe I give ‘em a hammer. [Theresa laughs.] Maybe like a hammer? And—regardless, I… was doing something back then. [Theresa laughs.] It shows you the commitment to the show that in episode 2, that is what I would share!

theresa

Right.

biz

Right? That’s the trust! I have.

theresa

That’s the trust. You were already ready to share.

biz

I was ready to trust-fall into the arms of the One Bad Mother community. And with that said, you—with that said, it’s time for us to catch you, listeners. As you trust-fall your fails into our arms.

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, One Bad Mother. This is a fail. This is a teaching fail, not a parenting fail, but with the amount of time we’re spending on Zoom I thought it might be relatable. I was waiting for my students to come into my Zoom. They were late. I thought, “Gosh, where are they? Why are they so late?” [Biz laughs.] “Why didn’t they remember to show up to Zoom class today? Oh, well. Guess I’ll just get some prep done.” Then about ten to fifteen minutes later, I opened my Zoom window and found that they’d all been sitting here quietly the entire time. [Biz laughs.] They’d come on time. I had forgotten to turn on my waiting room so I didn’t get a little message that pops up saying they were there. They just quietly slipped into the back and watched, without saying anything, for ten to fifteen minutes as I just scrolled slack-jawed through Facebook— [Biz laughs.] —or did some half-assed lesson planning and probably touched my face a lot. I just really hope I didn’t pick my nose. Pretty embarrassed. Thanks.

biz

Don’t worry. Somebody recorded it. [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.]

theresa

Wow.

biz

Wow.

theresa

This is—and it’s just… it just is now part of what we have to deal with. Like, this kinda stuff happening.

biz

And I just—I appreciate this fail, because god there must be so many teachers out there that have had something similar. It’s totally unfair. It’s like we’re asking teachers to teach our children in their houses. It’s weird!

theresa

It’s weird!

biz

And so… this makes actually a great deal of sense. But that kindness I am bestowing up on you, I’m gonna shove aside now. And say what a horrible job you are doing. [Theresa laughs.] Trying to function in the world that we now call “normal.” [Laughs.]

theresa

Truly.

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Hi. This is a fail. It started out as a genius because I thought I’d throw a quick load of laundry in before going out to the grocery store. Came back home. I washed a diaper. I just heard about someone washing a diaper—I think on a podcast— [Biz laughs.] —and I laughed at them. Said, “I would never do that.” And I did. So I suck. I failed. But you guys are doing good. Bye.

biz

Yeah. The real fail is thinking you would never do it. That is the fail. And I’m gonna make a prediction. [Theresa laughs.] You’re probably gonna do it again! [Theresa laughs.] Like, you’re like, “I listened to the show and I heard this and I thought, ‘I’m never gonna do this.’ And then I did it.” Right? And now you’re like, “Well… shame on me! Haha.”

theresa

But guess what? It doesn’t end here!

biz

Mm-mm! Well, you’re doing a horrible job knowing thyself. And laundry. Doing laundry. You suck.

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Hi. I think this is a rant. So it could also be seen as a fail. I—the best way I have to describe this—I threw out my butt while playing in the snow with my two-and-a-half-year-old today. [Biz laughs.] And I didn’t even think that was something one could do to one’s body? But it feels exactly like when I have thrown out my lower back in the past with the shooting pains and muscle spasms, but it’s not in my lower back. It’s in my butt. And I can’t sit down comfortably? [Biz laughs.] I can’t stand up. I can’t walk up stairs. It’s really horrible! And I think it’s just a very, very, horribly unfair—but also hilarious at the same time—thing that my body has decided to do to me for trying to have a nice moment playing in the snow with my two-and-a-half-year-old all afternoon. And this is what I get. I’m not horribly uncomfortable and everything I do hurts. So that’s super fun, and I don’t think that’s fair and I’d like it to go away. [Biz laughs.] Thanks. Bye.

biz

[Laughs.] Well, this is a fail. I mean, you could rant about it? But it’s still a fail. Trying to do something nice… with your child… equals—that’s like a one plus one—equals throwing out your butt.

theresa

I mean, it’s like the most undignified kind of injury. ‘Cause already a back injury—you guys all know I throw out my back from time-to-time or I have a neck thing and I always feel like… [sighs.] This is so unfair. Like, I’m—this is happening to me ‘cause I’m just working really hard and I’m stressed and it’s not sexy and it’s not cute and it’s like… it’s just not—it’s not fun. But the—[Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] The fact that it happened in your butt is just like… it’s like a mean joke that someone’s playing on you. It feels so—well—funny! It’s funny. So you’re a laughingstock now.

biz

Yeah. [Laughs.] Good job being a laughingstock! Bad job using your body. [Both laugh boisterously.] Oh, I’m so sorry!

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Hi. This is a fail. I… cannot remember the last time I washed our bedsheets. And that’s not even the fail. That’s just a fact. So yesterday I decided I was feeling extra gung-ho and decided to strip all the bedding off of our bed. Take all the pillowcases off. Get everything ready to go. I took the duvet cover off of the comforter. And I put it all in the wash. And I thought, “This is gonna be so nice. Our sheets are gonna feel so clean tonight.” And I washed them and dried them and last night my husband and I were making the bed and my husband said, “These don’t really smell like they’re clean. They kinda still smell like B.O.” And I smelled them and was like, “Yeah, I guess they kinda do smell—don’t smell that great.” And… I realized I think what happened is I did not put detergent in the washer. I must’ve just put them in the washer and ran them through with just water. And… maybe they got a little cleaner.

biz

No.

theresa

But they certainly don’t smell that clean still. So I guess today I’m gonna be doing all of that over again. So that’s my fail. Thanks.

biz

Yeah.

theresa

Wow.

biz

Wow. Yeah. No. You—you failed. That was a fail. You tried to do something nice for yourself. But you couldn’t! And now? You have to do it again! And I’d like to say that now it’s gonna feel even better. When those sheets are clean. But I don’t know! I don’t think that’s true. I think just—

theresa

It may or may not actually… [Biz laughs.] —feel better. It may just take a toll.

biz

Yeah! May feel like more work. Well, you’re doing a horrible job with being nice to yourself. And doing laundry. And the two are practically interchangeable. [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.]

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Hey! This is—I just have to put this somewhere. I think it’s a fail. Pretty sure it’s a fail. It might turn into a breakdown. I’m taking my kids to the park. Yay! We’re going to the park. It should be fun. They’re all in the car now and it just took so long to get them in the park and to the car. They say they want to go to the park, but it’s like getting them to get all their shit together is just like pulling teeth and every time it seems like I end up yelling and being that, like… “I’m trying to take you somewhere fun! Why are you—this is supposed to be fun!” [Biz laughs.] “Why—” Like… it’s like I yell and then I get mad at myself for yelling and then we go to the park and it’s just like—just watch each other pout? Y’know, I’m yelling at them and that makes me feel like shit and then I take them to the park and it makes me feel better and—but I still feel like shit because I yelled. I don’t know. Anyway. Thanks for having a place where I can put this! Bye.

biz

You can put that here, and we will put it in the shredder. For you.

theresa

Nice!

biz

Yeah. The… the fail of “this is supposed to be fun!” Which children, sadly, don’t understand. No matter how many times we say that to them, that we can’t understand why they’re not cooperating to go do the fun thing that they really wanna do. And I also appreciate the, “Well once we go we have a nice time and that should wash it out, but it doesn’t wash it out.” The failure here is that you have feelings! And… [Laughs.] You’re aware of them!

theresa

It’s—it’s just really hard.

biz

It’s really hard. And… the failure is thinking it’s not going to be hard! Ha, ha! [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.]

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, this is a fail! And I suck so bad right now! I managed to misplace my driver’s license this week. Haven’t been able to find it anywhere. And I don’t go anywhere, so it’s like—where could it be? It’s not in the car. It’s not in my pants pockets. And then I go to pay for some stuff at the garden shop and I don’t have my credit card that has money on it. I have like a bunch of credit cards that don’t have money on it, but only the one—the one that I need? Not—I don’t have that. So now I… have to—I just left with nothing. And I don’t know where that is and I’m sure I just took it out of my wallet to buy some stupid thing off of Instagram. [Biz laughs.] And I’m really pissed off right now! Anyways, everybody’s doing a great job today except for me! [Biz laughs.]

biz

Oh! That is not true! We’re all doing a horrible job just like you!

theresa

We’re all mystified by important missing items. [Biz laughs.] On a daily basis.

biz

It’s almost triple now that we haven’t had to go a lot of places? That it’s like—

theresa

It’s so much worse. Especially ‘cause it was so long ago that you probably misplaced it? That there’s just no sense—it’s like floating in space. It’s like… I don’t know and I may never know. Where those things are.

biz

It’s probably actually easier to go to the DMV and get a brand-new— [Theresa laughs.] —license than find it! Well, I am so sorry. That is just a super shit day. And I apologize on behalf of the universe. You’re doing a horrible job. But I hope this one will make you feel better. In honor of the 400th episode, I have pulled my favorite fail of all time.

music

Sparkly harp music.

caller

Hi, ladies. My friend told me that I should call and tell you about this. [Biz laughs.] She and I are both big fans of your podcast. We were having a picnic at the park the other day with our little ones and the kids were all—y’know, they were playing and they were having fun and my youngest is two and he was in one of those little cars that you can pretend to drive and he was driving, he’s driving, he’s driving. And all of a sudden I noticed that he had… something in his hand. And I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. And then he started biting it. Biting into it! [Biz laughs.] And so I kinda looked a little bit closer? He was a good distance from me so it was kinda hard to see. And I noticed that it was a cupcake. And not only was it a cupcake? It had been left from like a birthday party the previous weekend so it was covered—overed in ants. Like, I thought it was a chocolate cupcake ‘cause that’s how many ants were on it. [Biz laughs.] But it wasn’t chocolate. So… I start tearing over there towards him, right? ‘Cause I’m just gonna take the cupcake away. Well he sees me coming. [Biz gasps.] And he knows I’m gonna take it away. So he starts eating it even faster. And he’s just shoving— [Theresa laughs.] —big pieces of this cupcake into his little fat face? And oh my gosh. And he ate the whole thing before I could even get to him. It was—it was—and there were ants everywhere. All over his face. All over his hands. Luckily they weren’t the biting kind. So that’s my fail for the week.

theresa

Yes! [Biz sighs.] Yes! Okay! I—of course I remember this call. But I had forgotten about the running towards him and him shoving it faster and faster into his mouth. Which is… the most amazing part, really.

biz

It really takes the story up a whole level. Like… it’s so good. And I— [Theresa laughs.] —that was episode 31. And I think now—am I still stunned, or am I less stunned 400 episodes in with all the different—I mean, guys, there are a lot we don’t play for people who have easy gag reflexes. [Theresa laughs.] ‘K? This was back in episode 31 before we knew we should do that. And now who knows, so we don’t. And hats off.

theresa

This doesn’t gross me out now.

biz

No! No! It doesn’t gross—[Laughs.]

theresa

Like, I don’t feel—it may have been that we were pregnant? No.

biz

Maybe? Yeah, maybe around then we were. But I will say—I will say… this… seems like the most normal experience for a person to have with a two-year-old at a park.

theresa

Yes. Yes it does.

biz

And I think it is the perfect way to wrap up the fails segment of the 400th Episode Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rants. And also, P.S.—good job to your friend. [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.]

music

“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics. You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known. I love you, I love you. When I have a problem, I call you on the phone. I love you, I love you. [Music fades out.]

music

Cheerful, laid-back guitar plays in background.

biz

One Bad Mother is supported in part by Bombas. Bombas is dedicated to making the most comfortable socks in the history of feet. Let me congratulate you, Bomabs, because you’ve done it! I don’t know how, but I freaking love my Bombas socks. And by the way? I have not lost a single BOmbas yet. No holes. No blowouts. No busting of the elastic. And—what I really, really, really love is that these socks do more than just keep our feet cozy. For every pair of socks you purchase, Bombas donates a pair to someone in need. The generosity of Bombas’ customers has allowed them to donate over 40 million pairs of socks and counting. So listen—give a pair when you buy a pair. And get 20% off your first purchase at Bombas.com/badmother. That’s B-O-M-B-A-S.com/badmother for 20% off your first purchase. Bombas.com/badmother. [Music fades out.]

promo

Mallory O’Meara: Brea? What’s your reader wheelhouse? Brea Grant: A woman on a journey. Space. Post-apocalyptic roads. And magical food. Mallory, what’s your reader wheelhouse? Mallory: Werewolves. Haunted houses. Weird fiction, and, uh, books set in Florida for some reason. Brea: We’re Reading Glasses, and we wanna know what your reader wheelhouse is. Mallory: We can use it to help you find more books that you love. Brea: And… avoid books that you don’t! So whatever you like to read about and however you like to read it— Mallory: We wanna help you read better. Brea: Reading Glasses. Every Thursday on Maximum Fun.

promo

Music: "Money Won't Pay," by bo en (feat. Augustus). Upbeat, cheerful music. Rachel McElroy: Congratulations! You’ve won a ticket to attend an exclusive opportunity in a relaxing environment with two lovers. [Laughs.] Griffin McElroy: Wow! Well, this sounds like a sort of… proposition of sorts, but really it’s an ad for our podcast, Wonderful! It’s a show we do here on Maximum Fun where we talk about things that we like and things that we’re into. Rachel: I’m Rachel McElroy and you just heard Griffin McElroy and we are excited for you to join us as we talk about movies and music and books! Griffin: Things like sneezing. Or… the idea of rain. [Both laugh.] Rachel: Can you get news or information you can use? [Simultaneously] Rachel: I don’t think so! Griffin: Absolutely you cannot! Griffin: Because we’re here to talk to you about pumpernickel bread. Rachel: You can find new episodes on Wednesdays. Griffin: [Extreeeme announcer voice] So catch th—catch the waaaave!

biz

We’re back! And it’s time for the rant portion of our show.

music

Celebratory orchestra music.

caller

Hi, One Bad Mother. This is a mom having a breakdown. [On the verge of tears.] My daughter’s going back to school on Monday in person. For the first time in over a year. And I’m just [through laughter] so overwhelmed because I don’t—I don’t know how to go to school anymore! I don’t know how to drop her off in the morning. I don’t know how to pick her up in the afternoon. I’ve forgotten how to do all of these things and it wouldn’t matter if I remembered anyway because they’re all different. Because of stupid COVID. And it’s like 15-page handbook that I have to read and I don’t know how to pack her bag. It’s so much to do and I don’t know how the school is doing all this work because I can’t even handle hearing about all the work that they’re doing. [Biz laughs.] I feel like having her at home and I’m gonna miss her when she’s at school. And… [sobs]. I guess that’s all I have to say. I’m sure other parents are going through the same thing. I know I’m not alone and we’re all doing a good job and this is hard. And I’m really tired of not having any guidance on how to keep my kid safe from COVID. Because there’s no vaccine for her. Thanks for the Hotline and this show. You guys are awesome. Bye.

biz

First of all, you’re doing such a good job. I mean, I—I wanna—back at the beginning of the show we talked about celebrating our wins? And there’s something about you recognizing that you’re not alone that I think is so significant? It’s so significant ‘cause you’re not. You are so beautiful. What you’re saying… just… it’s so spot-on to the anxiety so many of us have right now? Because you’re right! We haven’t done it in a year, a lot of us. And… for those of us who have, it’s been different? It switches up? Things open and they shut back down again and you’re right—it’s not gonna be like it was, even if you could remember how it was. It’s not gonna be the same ‘cause there’s a whole new policy and parents can’t hang out and chat in the morning. They can’t walk—we can’t even walk our kids in anymore? Like, it’s… that’s such a stressful place to be. Such an unknown. After a year of unknown.

theresa

I have to say, it’s also reminding me of the genius call about learning to play a game. With your kids. Because it is this feeling and I’m really right there with you. Like, I’ve been waiting for school to start again? But now that it’s starting again a little bit, it really stresses me out. And I don’t feel capable anymore. Like, it used to be really stressful and annoying, but I could do it. And now it feels… stressful and overwhelming and I’m like afraid that I can’t. Like, I’m afraid I can’t manage all of it and I’m gonna mess it up. We talked about that last week, I think. It’s hard to… like, you talked about the [through laughter] 13-page handbook or whatever. [Biz laughs.] And it is! It’s hard to learn what we’re supposed to be doing at the same time that we are trying to show our kids what to do and reassure them, simultaneously, that it’s all fine. ‘Cause we’re not feeling fine and we don’t really know what to do. So it’s a pretty tall order for us right now, and I’m really grateful that you called and that you’re being so honest about this. Because it’s not something that we’re hearing about a lot right now. I mean, many of us are really eager to have our kids back in school and I include myself in that group? But I also feel simultaneously totally stressed out by it. So I am right there with you.

biz

Yeah. You’re doing a really good job. We’re all gonna figure it out? Like, we will. We will! It’s just giving ourselves the grace and the space to… stumble through it a few times. And… to—once we’ve done it? [Laughs.] Come home and just be wiped out. Just be emotionally… wiped the fuck out. You are doing such a good job.

theresa

Good job.

biz

Alright, guys. I think this was the perfect 400th episode. The perfect way to celebrate it. Going back in time a little bit to remember that we have been both wonderful and completely imperfect over the last eight years? As well as… altogether celebrating and laughing and giving ourselves, through our genius and our fails and especially this very wonderful rant call in which I just feel it was such a uniting and familiar sort of call that just goes to show that we are all growing and doing better at recognizing—not being alone and recognizing that we’re not okay and recognizing that we need a place to put that. And so I—here is to 400 episodes. Theresa, once again, I—I love you so much. And I so appreciate you being with me for all of—part of—any of—[Laughs.] These 400 episodes? I honestly would not do this show with anyone else. Gabe, welcome, once again, to the family. Thank you so much for being part of our 400th episode. And thank you, thank you, thank you to the One Bad Mother community of listeners. Whether you listened at the beginning; whether you just started listening; whether you had to step away ‘cause good god, who could listen to us that long in a row?! [Theresa laughs.] Thank you for listening and we will always be here for you. Theresa? You are doing… a fucking great job.

theresa

Thanks, Biz. So are you.

biz

And I will talk to you… next week!

crosstalk

Biz and Theresa: Byeeee!

music

“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics. I got the lowdown momma blues Got the the lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues The lowdown momma blues. Gots the lowdown momma blues Got the lowdown momma blues You know that’s right. [Music fades somewhat, plays in background of dialogue.]

biz

We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Gabe Mara; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.

theresa

One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate. [Music continues for a while before fading out.]

music

A cheerful ukulele chord.

speaker 1

MaximumFun.org.

speaker 2

Comedy and culture.

speaker 3

Artist owned—

speaker 4

—Audience supported.

About the show

One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis and Theresa Thorn about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren’t all magical vessels!

Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing.

Call in your geniuses and fails: 206-350-9485. For booking and guest ideas, please email onebadmother@maximumfun.org. To keep up with One Bad Mother on social media, follow @onebadmothers on Twitter and Instagram.

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