Transcript
biz
Hi. I’m Biz.
theresa
And I’m Theresa.
biz
Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.
biz
“Summoning the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums. [Continues through dialogue.]
biz
This week on One Bad Mother—tell 2020 that we are all good on sacks of bananas, and ring in the Year of Cake! With the 5th Ever Holiday Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rant!
crosstalk
Biz and Theresa: Wooooo! [Biz laughs delightedly.]
theresa
That was my first woo in like six months!
biz
Ah! That felt good for me. Was it—was it also good for you? [Theresa laughs.] I want it to be good for you, Theresa. That’s—
theresa
I’m not gonna lie. It was definitely a little more emotional labor than I am used to doing. But—no, I’m just kidding. It was great. [Biz laughs.] It was wonderful. [Laughs.] It’s been too long.
biz
I just feel like—I feel like everything’s gonna be okay now. Because we wooed together.
theresa
It felt very normal and all normal things feel great these days. [Biz laughs.]
biz
Oh, these pants feel so normal! Yeah! These are normal pants! Uh, so—2020. Fuck off. We’re gonna say goodbye to 2020. No more sacks of bananas this year. I think that’s key. I think we were talking about—I think before the pandemic started, maybe we had even referenced having a Year of Cake. Like, the Year of the Sack of Bananas was one year. And that we should do—let’s just make this the Year of Cake! That’s—that’s nice, right?
theresa
I think so!
biz
I think so, too! And there’s no better way to ring in a year like this— [Laughs.] We’re not gonna ask each other how we are, are we? [Laughs.]
crosstalk
Theresa: No! God! No! Biz: Do you want to? Yeah, right? Yeah! Okay.
biz
Good. [Both laugh.] Just to confirm that before I moved us on. Here we are. The 5th Ever Holiday Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rants.
music
Short clip of awards show intro-style symphonic music.
biz
Let’s kick it off with a genius! Theresa? Genius me.
clip
[Dramatic, swelling music in background.] Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius! [Biz and Theresa repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss their respective genius moments of the week.]
theresa
Okay. Just a low bar here, but we’ve been going out more often to large, grassy fields. Wherever we can find them. And we’ve been doing just some random running? Like, my kids are just so happy— [Biz laughs.] —to be out of the house? [Laughs.] That they’re just running. Running and chasing each other and running and “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!” And it’s like, wow. What are we even doing? But this is great! [Biz laughs.] And then compliment your partner to Jesse—
clip
Music: Romantic piano music plays in background. Biz: [Singing with ‘80s style dramatic echo] It’s time to compliment your partner!
theresa
He purchased some Frisbees. Which are like, very like—who cares? Frisbees? But we’ve been using them and the kids really like it and it’s really fun, and then it’s also something he and I can do when we’re just standing around? If the kids are playing we can just like… play Frisbee? Yeah! It’s a genius!
biz
That is a genius. And also, genius to get multiple—were there multiple Frisbees?
theresa
Two. Yeah.
biz
Because I think that’s the problem. Whenever we have a Frisbees—and Frisbees just randomly come into our lives—it always turns into a problem. But if kids had more than one Frisbee it can become a totally different experience of just throwing a fucking Frisbee with no end goal. There’s Frisbees.
theresa
Yeah. There’s Frisbees around, so there’s no possession issues. Yeah.
biz
Yeah! I love it. Good job!
crosstalk
Theresa: Thank you! Biz: A really good job!
biz
I… [trumpeting] doot-doo-doo-doo! [Regular voice] I read another book! [Laughs.]
theresa
Whoa!
biz
I know! Guys? This is just so dumb. [Laughs.] But now—
crosstalk
Theresa: It’s not, though! Biz: I feel so great! I know!
biz
Because how many years has it been since—I mean, in New York, when I used to live there? I read, like, books every couple of days ‘cause I was on the train and you were always reading. Now… no books. But I just read a beat-‘em-up book with the main character—Quinn Colson. I’m not sure it was necessarily my favorite character in a series? But that said, some people got beat up. And I like that. Very different than the cozy that I read the next time. But I’m gonna move on. I’m gonna pick up another book! I’m gonna see if I can do it again!
theresa
Go for it. You’re amazing.
biz
[Laughs.] Gonna fucking rip my shirt off and just run with the book!
theresa
Just follow your dreams. Yeah. Yeah.
biz
I’m gonna follow my dreams. Thank you. Now, the real reason we’re here, everyone, is cake, comfort, and geniuses.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hey, Biz and Theresa! I am calling with a genius! My brother and his family were supposed to come our way for a visit in August. And because they live 4-1/2 hours away we thought it would not be a great idea if they stayed in our house with us. For COVID reasons. And they thought, “Well, why don’t we go camping instead? We can all be outside. It’ll be a lot safer.” And I thought, “That sounds like a terrible idea.” [Biz laughs.] “I have a five-year-old and a 1-1/2-year-old.” I didn’t want to bring diapers into the woods. And then I thought, “No, that’s dumb. This has been a terrible summer. Say yes to something.” [Biz laughs.] So my genius is that I said yes. And it was amazing! We had a great three days in the middle of nowhere. Literally. I got to see my niece and my nephew. They got to play with their cousins. I saw my brother for the first time in six months, and it was just… [sighs.] It was so relaxing and so rejuvenating that I regret nothing. I regret nothing. I said yes to something. Thanks, guys.
biz
Good job! This is genius because this is the thing: you’re so bogged down. We get so trapped under—ugh! All the mundane, monotonous bullshit that is part of parenting. That when an opportunity comes along, that might really be a good time, it is way easier to be like, “No thanks.” [Laughs.] Right? Just like, “I don’t wanna bring my babies out into the woods. I don’t want—” We’re just not that family. We just can’t od it. But you said “Yes” and then it was great!
theresa
Yeah. It’s clear that you just did what you wanted to do. [Biz gasps.] It’s so good when we tap into that. All the stuff aside and logistics aside and planning and anxieties aside, what’s the thing you just want to do? What do you want to do? You wanted to go camping and you did!
biz
Oh my god. I… think you’re amazing. Also, shoutout to when you said “They’re gonna be driving four hours and we didn’t think it’d be a good idea if they stayed with us for COVID reasons.” [Theresa laughs.] I like that— [Laughs.] I like that other reasons could be “Because they’re assholes” Or— [Laughs.] Because they—
theresa
“Our place is too small.”
biz
Yeah! [Laughs.]
theresa
“Our kids won’t sleep.”
biz
“’Cause I hate their children.” [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] You’re doing great.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa! I’m calling with a genius. I’ve been wrapping presents for my almost-four-year-old and almost-one-year-old and while I was doing that it came to me that in the past, when we’ve opened presents, my three-year-old has immediately lost his mind that the package needs to be opened right away; the toys need to be available; so before I wrapped them, I opened up the packaging. I unhooked all the transformers from their box. Put them back in their box, boxed them back up, and wrapped them that way. So when he opens it and immediately needs them to be available to be played with— [Biz laughs.] —all we need to do is slide them out of the package. We already did all the rest of it. I figured I would do it for the one-year-old as well just in case he decides that he cares that the toys are immediately available as well. So it’s one small win. I’m feeling like a genius. And everyone is doing a good job. Thanks. Bye.
biz
You are doing an amazing job. This is not a new genius to the One Bad Mother community, but it’s an important genius. And one that probably we all need a good reminder of. Get those batteries in there! Get those toys freed from those, y’know, little plastic restraints! This is so good!
theresa
It’s really for us, too, I wanna point out. It’s for them, too. But they can wait. I think the reason is— [Biz laughs.] They can! Like, they can wait. Waiting is good for them. But—
biz
No! [Laughs.]
theresa
But I feel like for us it’s that feeling of, “I would like to enjoy a little bit this moment of my kids opening the thing that I got for them and enjoy… their happiness about the item and enjoy them playing with it and not just feel that, like… ‘Oh, they’re smiling, but I immediately have to do a bunch more stuff.’” Like, urgently. Right now. Like that stress is just gone this way! It’s really, really smart. I’ve never done it, but I’d like to. [Biz laughs.] It’s a nice idea.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hello, OBM! I am calling with a rare genius moment. I had a late-night epiphany when I was thinking of Christmas gifts for my son, and my genius is—he likes a whole bunch of really obscure—well, not that obscure—TV shows and characters and he has all these diverse interests and it’s hard to find coloring books for things that he is interested in. But, there are loads of free coloring pages that you can download online. But I don’t have a home printer. So I had the thought—let’s just make a document with all the different coloring pages I can find for free online, and I emailed them to a local print shop, had them printed and bound— [Biz “woo”s.] —into a spiral-bound, custom coloring book for my four-year-old for Christmas. It cost me less that the cost of a regular coloring book— [Biz laughs.] —and it occurs to me that this may be my new favorite trick gift for just about every child and every gift-giving occasion. Because it cost me very little and I know lots of kids have strange, y’know, diverse interests and… yeah! I think it’s—I’m really happy with how it turned out. It looks great. Someday when I can do a birthday party for him I think I might make coloring books as our goody bag. Anyway. It just feels brilliant and thought I’d share that. Love the show. Love all you guys. Bye-bye!
biz
Man. That’s… some next-level holiday geniusing.
theresa
It really is! It’s also so thoughtful! Like, you could fill one book with a bunch of different characters or scenes from all kinds of different things that your kid likes! I mean, that’s so cool!
biz
It is really nice! You’re doing such a good job. And bonus points for them being party favors in the future.
theresa
Yes.
biz
Yeah. So good.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hey, One Bad Mothers! This is a genius that falls into the “no one gives a shit” category. So I like to listen to music with my children in the car. Some of the lyrics are not appropriate. Or… for children. For women. For— [Biz laughs.] —society. Whatever. And so sometimes I will sort of say things over the words or, y’know, have different strategies that I deploy. Anyway. We were listening to a song that I don’t usually listen to the other day, and I realized that there was a lyric coming up that said “Gonna have you naked by the end of this song.” And I kind of panicked? [Biz laughs.] And somehow it came into my head—“Gonna have you shakin’ by the end of this song.” And so that’s what I sang very loudly over it because I don’t know that, y’know. That kind of disgusting line is in there. [Biz laughs.] [Through laughter] Love you guys. Love the show. Buh-bye.
biz
I am so glad that I am not alone in this. Because there have been—this is something I do as well in the car? With different songs where there’s like one or two bad words in it? And then we’ll be like, “Party!” instead of, y’know, “Go fuck yourself” or whatever. But like, “Partyyy!” “Witches!” [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] “Fire trucks! Trucks! Trucks! Truck you!” Anyway. I… love this. So much.
theresa
So do I. [Biz laughs.] Great job. Great thinking on the fly.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa! I am calling with a genius moment that I came up with on accident. I am a single mom and I think this is particularly good for single moms. Though I think it works for anyone. I was chopping fruit in my kitchen one day and there was a knock on my door and I was not expecting anyone and I was home alone with my kid, so I brought the knife to the front door so that the stranger wouldn’t murder me! [Biz laughs.] So now every time that a stranger knocks on my door, I bring a knife to the front door so I won’t get murdered. And I’ve been thinking about calling this in for a while, but it seemed a little dark, but Biz? I think you’ll like it. So you guys are doing a great job. Thank you! Bye. [Biz laughs.]
biz
I do like it! I love this. [Laughs.] So… I love this so much. This is like—one day, your child is gonna grow up to be a gothic writer. A writer who writes, like, gothic, epic, y’know, tales. And you are gonna become a character. [With Southern drawl.] “My mother used to always answer the door with a knife in her hand.” [Theresa laughs.] “She did so so that she wouldn’t get murdered.” Right? Like— [Laughs.] I love this! I have no idea if it qualifies as a genius.
theresa
I… I’m just waiting for you to call back with another genius moment where you take a knife-fighting class? [Laughs.]
biz
Oh yeah! Let’s up our games! You get—or you don’t have it? And see—
theresa
Like, I personally have no sense that if I held a giant knife… [Biz laughs.] I would be any—
biz
Safer? [Laughs.]
theresa
Any safer.
biz
You know what they say—“Knife fights are the worst fights to be in because they’re so unpredictable.” Right? Like, they’re close contact. You’re gonna get stabbed—I mean, you’re gonna get cut.
theresa
You have to learn how to do it. But.
biz
You’re gonna get cut in a knife fight. Yeah.
theresa
But it is threatening! It’s definitely threatening. Yeah.
biz
I like it. I like it. I used to just bring a screaming baby to the door. [Laughs.]
theresa
Yeah. That could also work. You can also say, “Who is it?” [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
biz
You’re a party pooper, Theresa! [Southern drawl.] “My mother used to answer the door by saying, ‘Who is it?’” [Theresa laughs.] Alright. You’re amazing, and I love you.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa! This is a genius. I am realizing that there are only four more days until Christmas Eve, when Santa comes. And I have zero time between still having to wrap all of my presents to make homemade cookies for Santa, as I have done in the past. So you know what? Today when I was at the grocery store, I picked up a box of premade M&M cookies and we’re gonna call it good. And that’s what Santa’s gonna get. And I think Santa is going to think they’re delicious. So I’m feeling very good about myself. I’m doing a great job, and so are you. Thanks for the show. Bye.
biz
Good. Job. That is… really a good job! I— [Laughs.] Just saw like a little—like a t-shirt, funny shirt? But it was actually a really supportive shirt. But it said, “I don’t have time to make something from scratch. Store-bought… will be just fine.” And I was like, “Yes it will! Yes it will!”
theresa
Yeah!
biz
Yeah! Santa don’t care where those cookies come from. Santa just likes the cookies.
theresa
We left Pop-Tarts out for him one year.
biz
Oh my god. I want to be your friend. [Theresa laughs.] Oh, I am! Thank goodness. This is why. I like that a lot, too.
theresa
Yeah! That was what we had on hand.
biz
Yeah! Pop-Tarts! Cookies! Santa don’t care.
theresa
No.
biz
Yeah. You are doing a remarkable job.
theresa
You are.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz! This is a genius. I was able to execute a Zoom meeting for my mom’s 75th birthday. She lives in Kentucky and I live in Minnesota and we have relatives in Michigan and Colorado and I’ve been in Zoom meetings, of course, but I’ve never been in charge. So I was kind of worried about it. But it worked! And she’s happy. And I’m happy that she’s happy ‘cause she’s an extrovert and this has been really hard on her. And 75, we were supposed to go to New Orleans and have a girls’ weekend, but anyways. She’s happy, and that’s what I wanted. Thanks. Love your show. Bye.
biz
I just wish I had a thousand hands so that I could make the biggest round of applause that I could. I… you are right. We’ve all been on a million Zoom calls? But it can be very—I share your feelings of really finding it nerve-wracking trying to something with my parents over Zoom? And… I just think you’ve done such a good job.
theresa
Yeah. It’s really awesome. I’m really touched by the effort that you put into this and just… how it seems like both you and your mom are staying so positive? In such a difficult, sad time. Because you’re celebrating together and you love each other. And that’s the most important and it seems like you’re keeping your eyes on the prize.
biz
Yeah. You’re amazing. You… are a genius. And now… let’s listen to one… final… holiday-inspired—in my opinion—genius.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Alright, guys. I am calling in with a genius. If you are like me and you have a fourteen-month-old who thinks that running with the toilet paper roll is just the best thing— [Biz laughs.] —to do since the invention of walking, and you are also worried about the toilet paper disappearing from the shelves again—thank you, coronavirus—you can take the toilet paper off of the roll and put it up on your toilet where they can’t reach it, and instead you can go to your local Michaels or Joann’s or whatever store is selling great, big pieces of ribbon. And you can put ribbon on an empty toilet paper tube and roll it up and hang it next to the toilet. [Biz laughs.] And your fourteen-month-old will walk up to you while you’re using the toilet and grab the ribbon and just take off running with it. And they won’t stop. They’ll just run until it’s all the way off of the roll at the very end and you can staple it on there so it doesn’t’ come all the way off. And they will be so excited. And you can pee in peace and they won’t run off with all of your toilet paper in the middle of a pandemic. [Biz laughs.] And they will think it is the coolest thing ever and you will feel like a genius. So.
biz
You… are amazing. I especially—“If you’re like me—” I don’t know! I don’t know if we are in this particular case. [Theresa laughs.] ‘Cause it started off—when I first heard this call I was like, “Alright. You’re like me… a kid runs with the toilet paper? Huh.” But then— [Theresa laughs.] —you really realize that it happens probably always when you’re on the toilet. Or worse, it’s happened and you didn’t know about it and you go back—
theresa
And you go—yeah. Right. Yeah.
biz
And there’s nothing there. This is a problem that no one wants to hear about at a cocktail party.
theresa
It’s very true.
biz
Thank god there are no more cocktail parties! [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.]
theresa
Can I just add how festive this ribbon scheme is? It really is holiday-themed! It just sounds so fun. [Biz laughs.] And celebratory. And I just love it. So much.
biz
You are doing a great job.
music
“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds. [Music fades out.]
music
Low-key ukulele with whistling plays in background.
theresa
One Bad Mother is supported in part by Calm.
biz
Sleep. Do you remember sleep? [Laughs.] I remember. Even now. Even right now. All the different things I try to do to achieve sleep. Am I getting enough of it? I don’t know. Probably not. [Laughs.] If there’s one form of self-care we can all agree on, that is—we all need better sleep. Calm has a whole library of programs designed for healthy sleep. I have had the Calm app for several years now. I started using their meditations before bed, and then I fell in love with their sleep stories. They’ve got soundscapes, guided meditations, a hundred sleep stories narrated by soothing voices like Stephen Fry, Kelly Rowland, and Laura Dern.
theresa
For listeners of the show, Calm is offering a special, limited-time promotion of 40% off a Calm premium subscription. At Calm.com/badmother. That’s 40% off unlimited access to Calm’s entire library, and new content is added every week. Get started today at Calm.com/badmother. That’s Calm.com/badmother. [Music fades out.]
biz
We’re back! For the 5th Ever Holiday Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rants!
music
Short clip of awards show intro-style symphonic music.
biz
Everyone? It’s time for the real joy of the show. And that is listening to all of our failures. Why don’t we go first? Theresa? Fail me.
clip
[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.] Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL! [Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.] Biz: [Calmly] You suck! [Biz and Theresa repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss their respective failures of the week.]
theresa
Okay. I really have struggled to accumulate-slash-hide presents. For Christmas. Because my kids are here all the time and they’re old enough that they totally know what’s coming. And they pay so much attention. The first issue was Grace, our nine-year-old, has access to many of our online shopping logins. She just does. But she handles it responsibly? But she likes to track packages when she knows they’re coming. And so I’ve had to do weird things like have my mom buy stuff online and ship it to us, and then send—like, Venmo her. And just really annoying things like that. And then when they come… like, the first couple things that came, I forgot they were coming. And forgot that I should secretly open them. So my kids would just—y’know, they’re home and they’re bored. So they would just rip stuff open the minute it shows up. And so like the first couple things, they totally opened Christmas presents! And it was just so frustrating. And then… like, the last part of this is just that because of that issue, now everybody understands they’re not allowed to open stuff when it comes, but I’ve had to stash stuff just in piles, having not opened things. I don’t know really what’s here and what isn’t here. I don’t’ know how much—I’m like, I don’t know that it’s even between the three kids? Like, I don’t have like—it’s so disorganized. And it’s about to be Christmas Eve and I don’t have a time to do that! So I think it’s just gonna be an all-nighter on Christmas Eve. You know what I mean? I don’t see [through laughter] another way. And I just hope that they sleep so that I can get [through laughter] through it. [Biz laughs.]
biz
God. Wow. That’s—I—hundred percent see you on this. It is a fail. I have been in that situation as well. Where you’re like—the fail is just… you have no idea. You don’t know where it is. You don’t know what you got. You don’t know who it’s for. Yeah!
theresa
And it’s also just that feeling of like… it has made me realize how my kids are in every aspect of my life. Like, they’re just here all the time. [Laughs.] There’s nowhere to go. They even know where the presents are! They just know they’re not—‘cause I can’t, like, go hide something without them noticing ‘cause they’re here all the time! They’re with me all the time.
biz
[Laughs.] I know! It’s such a horrible reminder of that. You… are doing a horrible job. Okay. You’re gonna like this. I just… ‘cause. So I, y’know, have been working—maybe I mentioned it—I’ve been working on the windows outside of our house ‘cause I wanted to repaint them ‘cause I’ve been looking at things and, y’know, I don’t know. I wanted to start a project that was too big. And it’s been going really well. Until—we have three large windows that go around the porch. Pretty sure it’s the original glass. From, y’know, a hundred years ago. And one window got a tiny little crack. Tiny… tiny crack. Did a little research. Just tiny little crack. It’s alright. It hadn’t grown. Everything was good. I came inside. Had a little lunch. And then as I was walking back out, the window caught my eye. And that’s when I saw that the little crack had become… bigger crack. I mean, I don’t even know. No one was near it. It just went from being like an inch to being two feet long through the window. And probably could’ve happened because we slam a lot of doors. The front door—it’s not even working. You can’t, like, you have to jam it several times—unrelated problem. But we’re doing that a lot, and that shakes the window. Old house. Oh, and Ellis just jumps all the time. Like, he’s constantly jumping. So now I’ve put some glue in it, like the internet says, but it’s really just a matter of like… do you finish that window? The outside of it? Or—and then just wait it out—or do you go ahead and get it fixed? So that on Christmas Day it doesn’t shatter and you have garbage bags on your window. I don’t know. I don’t know, guys! That’s the fun. But I just sat there and look at that crack. It’s just right in a place where I get to look at it. All day.
theresa
Yeah. I feel like if I were you, I would definitely not be able to make any sort of decision on that. Like, I would just be frozen and like… I mean, whatever I do, it’s gonna be a problem.
biz
Oh, yeah! No matter what I do, it’s a problem! Plus! Uh! I cracked our old house window—y’know, ‘cause you—ack! I won’t do it. I won’t crack it.
theresa
You’ll never be able to say “original windows.”
biz
Yeah. It’s alright. I hated that fucking window.
theresa
Okay. [Both laugh.]
biz
Guys? Buckle up! Here comes the fun stuff!
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi! I am calling with a failure. My failure today is that I tried to put my almost-three-year-old down for a nap. He still takes—and very much needs—a nap in the middle of the day. So I put him down, tucked him into bed, gave him a hug and a kiss. Told him that we would get to watch his favorite Curious George movie if he fell asleep. We could watch—who cares about screen time rules anymore? And then sat upstairs for a little while making sure that he wouldn’t come out ‘cause he’s not in his crib anymore so he—y’know. He knows that he can come out of his room, even though he’s not supposed to. And then after a while I thought I could go to the bathroom. That was the mistake. So while I was in the bathroom—not that long!—he came out of his room. Came downstairs. Put on his shoes. And went out in the backyard. And I just happened to see him when I came down and was trying to get my lunch read at three o’clock in the afternoon, and there he was—playing outside. Looking at the plants. And if I hadn’t happened to see him out that window, then he could’ve been out there for a really long time. And I have failed the safety of my child, and also failed to ensure that he gets the rest that he needs. So I’m doing a terrible job. You all are doing a great job. Thanks so much for the show. I hope I don’t have to call you again soon! Bye!
biz
What you wanna ask yourself here is… what would the man in the yellow hat do? [Both laugh.] Probably very patiently speak to the child. And just laugh it off. That’s not probably what you did.
theresa
And then he’d probably say, “Anyway, we’re gonna go visit one of my women friends.” [Biz laughs.] “One of my singe older women friends.”
biz
“Women friends. I’m not comfortable around men.” What? [Both laugh.]
theresa
I—I just—the thing that this makes me think about the most? Is… there may not be anything more unnerving than thinking your kids are asleep when they’re not. [Biz laughs.] Like, just the feeling of, “Ah! I think we’re cool. I think we got it. I think we’re settled. I can do some stuff.” And then finding—just having that, like, ripped out from under you. Not even—definitely not asleep. Not even in bed! Not even in your house.
biz
Not in your house! [Laughs.]
theresa
Everything you thought you had under control? You do not have under control.
biz
All that you once knew—gone! [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] And let’s just get back to the original fail here. You… tried to do something.
theresa
Yeah. You tried to use the bathroom and take care of your personal needs, as though you were a person.
biz
Yeah. I dunno. If we keep telling you guys on this show for years—that’s the fail.
caller
Hi, One Bad Mothers! This is a fail. I have a two-year-old son, and have been very intentional to use the correct words for his body parts so when he points, inevitably, every diaper change at his penis, we call it a penis. And one day I accidentally—when he pointed at his testicles—called them “balls.” And he now refuses to accept that they are anything other than “balls.” So every time he points to them and I say “testicles,” he goes, “No! Balls!” Very firmly. So I’m doing a terrible job at teaching my son proper words for things, even though I try. Anyways. Thanks for much for everything you do. Theresa, it’s so nice to see you—hear you—every episode. [Biz laughs.] For genius and fails and rants. You’re all doing an amazing job. I’m not today.
biz
Oh man. Your kid’s not even gonna get near a college. [Laughs.]
theresa
“Balls.”
biz
“Balls!” It’s the ball— [Laughs.] Balls.
theresa
Balls. [Both laugh.] [Through laughter] Sorry.
biz
“Kick him in the balls! It’s the balls!”
theresa
I’m just picturing the kid pointing—“Balls.”
biz
“Balls.”
theresa
“Balls!” Hard to argue with that.
biz
It’s funny that you were thinking about the child just pointing and saying “Balls” ‘cause I was just thinking of all the grown-ass men that I’ve known. “Balls!” I mean, I grew up in the South. It’s always—and I did comedy, guys! Like, every guy sketch group was like, “Oh, did you not think this was funny? Quick! Let’s pull out the ‘kick each other in the balls’ sketch! Get a TV show!” Well, maybe your kid will get a TV show. Really good. You’re doing a horrible, horrible job. [Theresa laughs.]
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Speaker 1: This is a fail. We have very hard water where I live, and so we have a filter that’s attached to our sink, but the filter is very, very slow. So I just leave the water running when I’m filling up something big—a humidifier or [inaudible]. I overfilled the coffee—the water filter all over. It’s everywhere. I said I’m not gonna do that again. I’m just gonna stop leaving it on and I’ll just let it fill up and turn off. Well, then I filled the coffeepot, and I did it again. And I realized, about ten minutes later, and there’s water everywhere. And this happened two times in like thirty minutes. Speaker 2: [Faintly, as though from a distance] You did it again? Speaker 1: Yes. I [through laughter] did it again. [Biz and Theresa both laugh.]
theresa
Wow.
biz
Oh.
theresa
So good. That’s priceless.
biz
That was so good.
theresa
Thank you for letting us in on that intimate moment between you [through laughter] and your partner, I assume.
biz
“Did you do it again?” [Laughs.] It’s your partner or—
theresa
“Did you do it again?” [Both laugh.]
biz
Oops! I did it again. What I really, really like was just—with the like—the saying to yourself, “I’m not gonna do that again. I’m not gonna do it again.” And then not even getting through, like, really ten minutes. Before you just did it again,.
theresa
Before you totally did it again. Yeah.
biz
Totally did it again. Yep. I’m just now only gonna—it’s gonna be my new greeting to people? Is—” You do it again?” I’m gonna just start saying that to everybody now. [Theresa laughs.] “You do it again?”
theresa
My one like that is the microwave. Because I’m too lazy to set specific times, even though… like, I’m too lazy to type in “Time Set: Seconds: this many seconds.” So I just like hit the 1 or the 2 for—and I’m like, “I’ll just—I’ll be here and I’ll turn it off before it goes on for too long.” Guess who is never standing around still without being distracted for a full minute? [Biz laughs.] Me!
crosstalk
Theresa: I always overcook stuff. Biz: You know how you know?
biz
You know how you know? ‘Cause you’re timing it. You’re like literally there, timing how long you’re not able to stand still.
theresa
I’m definitely not able to just be in one place for less than one minute. Yeah.
biz
Wow. Well, you’re doing a horrible job!
theresa
Yup.
biz
Call back if you do it again. [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.]
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, One Bad Mother! This is a fail. Yesterday I had the great idea to take myself and both of my small children to our yearly doctor’s appointments. Because when I booked the appointment I thought, “This will be great! We’ll just all go at once. We’ll get it out of the way. We’ll all get our flu shots. My three-year-old will get his immunizations; my one-year-old will get her twelve-month vaccines.” And then I realized that my husband would not be able to be there because the appointment started at 3 P.M. and he had to work until 4. I picked up my one-year-old daughter from my in-laws and I picked up my son from preschool and my in-laws told me that my daughter had not taken a nap that day. Which is normal, but not great when you’re going to a doctor’s appointment. The way that this all ended up playing out was my one-year-old screaming ‘cause she wanted to leave the room and every time I put her down, she would try to pull—she would go behind the exam table and try to pull the cords out of the wall and I couldn’t reach her because of how tiny the room is. My son did great, which was shocking. He wanted to be the first one to get his shots. As a bonus, the cherry on top was I was also talking to the family doctor about changing my anxiety medication and she asked me, “What—y’know, tell me what’s been going on?” And I just started at her. Like, “Read the room, lady.” [Biz laughs.] “This is what’s been going on. Also, maybe look at the news.” Anyway. The good news is, it’s out of the way. I now have a prescription for Lexapro. [Biz laughs.] We all have our flu shots, and the baby slept through the night because she was exhausted from getting shots and not napping that day. Never again! [Biz laughs.] Never… again. You’re doing a great job. Bye.
biz
Actually, you’re doing a really remarkable job.
theresa
Yeah, you are.
biz
Yeah. The failure was just… not cancelling all of it the moment you realized it wasn’t going to be whatever you thought it was gonna be.
theresa
Yeah.
biz
That is—that is the failure. But really, getting on the other side of that? Is really commendable. And I—
theresa
It really is.
biz
Right? Like, and you’re right! Now it’s done. You’ve done it. Everybody’s got the shots. You’ve gotten new medication. But I cannot stop laughing at you… just… staring at the doctor while the one-year-old’s screaming and pulling cords out of the wall and the like—“Read the room.” “Read the room” is the greatest thing you could’ve ever said.
theresa
Yeah. That’s just—yeah. I just—and I’ve totally been there, too. I think it took me many times of realizing how easily it could—‘cause you think to yourself, “Well, I’m going to the pediatrician. They—people bring all their kids! Like, you go and you bring everyone and everybody gets their—” Like, I just thought that that would be how it was? And I did try to do that several times. It’s so, so hard. Like, those rooms are not actually set up for kids! My kids did that too! Try to pull the plugs out of the wall. Play with the instruments. [Through laughter] They’re typing on the computer. [Biz laughs.] I’m just like—
biz
My children always sit there frozen and so to Kat, I’ll say, “What if I just start stealing some stuff while we’re waiting on the doctor?” “No! Mama, don’t!” “Oh yeah. Watch this. I’m gonna open the drawer—ooooh!” Y’know. Just have a little fun. Have a little fun. Who doesn’t need a tongue depressor? [Theresa laughs.] You’re doing a horrible job being so great.
theresa
Yup.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] So this is a fail. I have a just-turned-four-month-old daughter now and she goes to daycare so obviously I pump breastmilk so she can have bottles at daycare. I went to take her in today and her teacher comes out to say hi, and she asks me, y’know, “How long does it take your daughter to eat when she’s at home?” I’m like, “Well, she’s breastfed, so I don’t really know, but I know my husband tries to keep it about thirty minutes or so because he’s pace-feeding and all that crap.” And she’s like, “Oh, well, we noticed that she’s still on the size zero slow-flow nipples? And it’s taking her a while to eat so I didn’t know if you were gonna buy more—” And of course I forgot that nipples had flows— [Biz laughs.] —and I forgot that I’m supposed to increase it to a medium flow when she hit three months, so she’s been going a months on the too-small nipples. It’s taking her forever to eat. She’s getting gas, which explains why she’s been so cranky at home and burping a lot and all this crap. And I lied. I was like, “Oh yeah! We’re just waiting for them to come in the mail.” [Biz laughs.] And I immediately got in the car and put an order in to Amazon for some medium-flow nipples. So yeah. First-time mom fail. I still won’t know what the hell I’m doing even after four months. But I know this is just a bump in the road and hopefully long-term doing a great job. And I know you guys are doing a great job and I love you and the show. Thank you. Bye.
biz
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horrible job not knowing enough about nipples. But I want to say, the two things that you learned—and this is important, as a new mom—one, lying on your feet. Very good. You did the right thing. In that—
theresa
Great bullshitting.
biz
Just such good bullshitting! And also, the second thing you learned is—if your teacher even wants to come out and say “Hi” to you at preschool or daycare or wherever, this is not going to be good. It’s always gonna—like, there’s underwear in the kid’s lunchbox that’s clearly not their underwear. Somehow got there from the wash. They’re not eating anything. Like, whatever. I don’t think we’ve ever gotten a story in which “Well then the preschool teacher came out to say ‘Hi’ and then they said—” [Laughs.]
theresa
“Your child is the best child we’ve ever taken care of.”
crosstalk
Theresa: “They’re the best child.” Biz: “I think they’re gifted.”
biz
“They’re clearly gifted. We’re gonna pay for testing so that you can skip school straight to college. They never call their testicles ‘balls.’” [Theresa laughs.] Just—yeah. No. That doesn’t really happen. You’re doing a horrible job. How dare you not know about nipples. It can only go up from here.
theresa
In nipple size and everything else.
biz
Yeah. [Laughs.] “Bring me the bigger nipples!” Sorry. [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.]
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi! This is a fail. I don’t feel like I’m doing a great job. Morning started fine. My second-grader got up and got herself dressed. When I came downstairs she was about ot make her own bagel, which we’d been working on. It’s great. And the morning went perfect and she brushed her teeth and everything was on time. And well, today’s picture day. And I found out late last night and I had mentioned it to her when I came downstairs. And she was dressed how she was dressed. She was actually wearing a pajama top, but whatever. She found it in her drawer. It came in a bunch of clothes from a friend and she hadn’t seen it before. SO y’know, sure. It matched. It was cute. You’re not gonna see more than the neckline, anyway. They’re not doing class pictures. The kids can’t sit next to each other. So anyway. I applauded her for feeling good about her choices and on we went. Until I inserted my own gosh darn—[sighs.] My insecurities about picture day into it. And I said, “Oh, just wanna make sure you know, other kids might be wearing dresses!” Why would I say that? Why would I fucking say that? Because then everything went from perfect and great to us almost missing the bus with her in tears wearing a dress with the pajama shirt over it, which I told her looked foolish. I didn’t say “foolish,” I said “That’s silly; take that off.” And then she was crying— [Biz laughs.] —‘cause I told her to take it off and she pointed out that I said that she should look—be herself and dress how she wants and then I told her not to dress that way. So then I stopped and got the shirt and put it on her, over the dress, and… now she’s wearing a dress with a pajama shirt over and she looked great to begin with ‘cause she was adorable and herself and then I screwed it up by just saying, “Oh, other kids might be wearing dresses! Just don’t want you to feel uncomfortable!” [Biz laughs.] But she wouldn’t have felt uncomfortable! She probably wouldn’t even have noticed until I inserted this whole picture day anxiety that I used to have about looking perfec.t NO one cares. Now forever I’m gonna see her portrait up there with the two necklines and remember [through tears] that I screwed up her second-grade picture day, which is already screwed up ‘cause it’s COVID. Apparently this is a rant. [Biz laughs.] I’m sorry. Just sucks. [Sniffles.] And now she’s off to school and hopefully she’ll be done crying by the time she has her picture taken. Anyway. I’m apparently not. So I know you say I’m doing a good job, but I just don’t feel like it right now. It’s so hard. And I’m so tired. [Biz laughs.] Thanks. Love the show. Bye.
biz
Oh, boy. This is a really good fail. You’ve done a really amazing job… with this fail! Like… ugh! Ugh! I’ve done this. We all have—I mean, where you just can’t keep your mouth shut. You just—
theresa
But also, you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Y’know? I mean, if you hadn’t have said anything, you might be sitting there right now feeling like… “Wow. I didn’t mention to her that she’s wearing pajamas to picture day and other kids might be wearing—like, did I fail her by not—” I mean, I’m not saying that would’ve been better or worse. I just—I’m just with you that this was a tough one, and it’s hard! Really hard to know what to do.
biz
We all want to protect our kids from every thing that could ever happen to them. And… what’s weird is that most of those things that we think about? Are the things that we experience. Right? [Laughs.] There’s plenty of other things that we may not have experienced that could totally ruin your kid’s day. [Theresa laughs.] But the ones that we experienced—like a picture day or kids making fun of us because we wore something that we didn’t intend on being super brave about. Right? Those come back. And with things like picture day, it actually makes a lot of sense to be scared that your kid’s gonna go to school and all these other kids are gonna be dressed up. There’ve been times where I have not said stuff? ‘Cause I hadn’t even thought about it? And then I’ll walk into the Christmas Day Pageant or whatever at the school and everybody’s gorgeous. Like they’ve all been dressed up. Every kid’s dressed—and mine… mine is not. Mine hasn’t showered in days. And like… I… I feel like a really bad parent. And I don’t know if I’d said something or not—like, yeah! It just… Theresa, you’re right. There’s no… there’s no way to know… what the right thing to do in that situation is. And I think… the most telling thing is when you said how tired you were. And when we are so burned out, it is impossible to take a step back from anything. And I don’t want to be weird? But to me? I hope your kid gets her picture taken with two necklines, and I think it would be a beautiful, awesome picture? And I think, y’know, when you look at it? You shouldn’t remember this. You should remember instead how much you love your child? And how you guys got through this shit year. Okay?
theresa
For real.
biz
For real!
theresa
Seriously. I also feel like if I had a picture of myself from second grade where I was wearing a pajama shirt over a dress? It would be my favorite picture of all my school pictures. ‘Cause I would be like, “This was the year [through laughter] that I wore a pajama shirt over a dress!” [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] “And how cute and little I was!” Y’know?
biz
Yeah. I know. ‘Cause that’s the kind of mama you are. Right? That’s gonna be… it’s not just what leads up to these situations? It’s the story we tell after. These situations pass. So… yes. You’re failing because you’re a person who says things. So, y’know, stop saying things. But also you’re doing a really good job. Now. We should end on a very wonderful, epic fail. Let’s all settle in for this.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa. This is a fail. I am breastfeeding and I have a nursing top that zips down from the shoulders and kind of flaps open at the front? And I’m sure you can already see what this is going, but it’s a little bit less about what happened and more about where it happened? Because I finished nursing my baby and I walk out of the car. Thankfully, I did up my bra. But ugly-ass nursing bra on full display. Walked out of the car to the graves of my husband’s grandmother that we were visiting with a good portion of his extended family. So thankfully, I don’t think anybody noticed or if they did— [Biz laughs.] —they were polite enough not to say anything. But I did, essentially, flash my husband’s family at a cemetery. [Laughs.] So you are doing a great job. Bye.
biz
I am pretty sure that this is an omen of good luck. [Laughs.]
theresa
I agree. I also agree with that. Yes.
biz
I titled this one “Fail: Boob Grave.” [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] I mean, this is so—you’ve done such an amazing job at bringing a classic fail just to a place we’ve never been. We’ve never been before. A open shirt at a gravesite. And by the way—everybody saw. They all saw.
crosstalk
Theresa: Oh yeah. 100%. Every single one of them. Biz: No one—yeah.
biz
No one missed it. [Theresa laughs.] Everybody was seeing it.
theresa
It’s not something you miss! It’s just not something you miss.
biz
No. It’s not. So I dunno. I think maybe… maybe this goes down as a family legend for sure. Probably for your side of the family. [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] And yeah. You’re doing such an amazingly fantastic, horrible job at keeping ya boobs in. [Both laugh.] Guys? [Singing] I… love the 5th Ever Holiday Genius Fail Spectacular Pluuuuus Rants! [Regular voice] We’ll be back to enjoy that after this. [Both laugh.]
music
“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics. You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known. I love you, I love you. When I have a problem, I call you on the phone. I love you, I love you. [Music fades out.]
theresa
We have a Jumbotron this week. Our message is for Linley, aka, “Mom.” And it’s from Avery and Ainsley.
music
Tinkling, uplifting bells play in background.
biz
“Thank you for being the best mom in the world! You make us feel loved and special and strong and smart. All while in your new big job. Also, we’re pretty sure our life would be a disaster if everything was just in Dad’s hands. We know that sometimes we’re a challenge, but we’ll never love anyone the way we love you.”
theresa
Awww!
biz
That is so nice! [Laughs.]
theresa
So sweet.
biz
Good job, family! And good job, Linley!
music
Laid-back guitar music plays in background.
biz
One Bad Mother is supported in part by Purple Mattress. Purple has designed mattresses and pillows specifically with kids in mind.
theresa
I mean, kids deserve great sleep, too. That’s why Purple launched a new collection of products just for kids, including a kid mattress, Purple kid pillow, mattress protector, and a sheet set in kid-friendly colors. They’re made with a softer, smaller version of Purple’s innovative comfort grid to offer the best support for small sleepers. And were designed to give kids comfort and durability, with plenty of fun mixed in. And the Purple kid mattress and pillow are CertiPUR-US- and Clean Air Gold-certified to be free from harmful chemicals.
biz
Right now, you’ll get 10% off any order of $200 or more. Go to Purple.com/badmother10 and use promo code “badmother10.” That’s Purple.com/badmother10, promo code “badmother10” for 10% off any order of $200 or more. Purple.com/badmother10, promo code “badmother10.” Terms apply. [Music finishes.]
promo
Music: Upbeat, cheerful music. Dave Hill: Hi, it’s me, Dave Hill—from before—here to tell you about my brand-new show on Maximum Fun, The Dave Hill Goodtime Hour, which combines my old Maximum Fun show—Dave Hill’s Podcasting Incident—with my old radio show—The [Censored] Damn Hill Show—into one new futuristic program from the future. If you like delightful conversation with incredible guests, technical difficulties, and actual phone calls from real life listeners, you’ve just hit a street called Easy. I’m also joined by my incredible cohost, the boy criminal Chris Gersbeck. Say hi, Chris. Chris Gersbeck: Hey, Dave. It’s really great to— Dave: [Interrupting.] That’s enough, Chris. And New Jersey chicken rancher, Dez. Say hi, Dez. Dez: Hey, Dave! [A chicken bawks.] Dave: The Dave Hill Goodtime Hour—brand-new episodes every Friday on Maximum Fun. Chris: Plus, the show’s not even an hour. It’s 90 minutes. Dez: Take that, stupid rules. Dave: We nailed it! [Music ends in a drumroll.]
promo
Music: Sophisticated electronic/string music. Teresa McElroy: Shmanners. Noun. Definition: rules of etiquette designed not to judge others, but rather to guide ourselves through everyday social situations. [Music stops.] Travis McElroy: Hello, internet! I’m your husband host, Travis McElroy. Teresa: And I’m your wife host, Teresa McElroy. Travis: Every week on Shmanners, we take a look at a topic that has to do with society or manners. We talk about the history of it. We take a look at how it applies to everyday life. And we take some of your questions. And sometimes, we do a biography about a really cool person that had an impact on how we view etiquette. [Music fades back in.] Travis: So, join us every Friday and listen to Shmanners on MaximumFun.org, or wherever podcasts are found. Teresa: Manners shmanners. Get it? [Music ends on a bright chord.]
biz
We’re back! The 5th Ever Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rants—Year of the Cake!
music
Short clip of awards show intro-style symphonic music.
biz
Guys? I just picked—I just picked one rant. It’s kinda hard. But no better way to say goodbye to 2020 without remembering how fucking hard it’s been. Let’s listen to a mom have a breakdown.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, One Bad Mother! I’m having a breakdown. I know that this is One Bad Mother and not One Bad Daughter, but recently my daughter and I had to move in with my 91-year-old father because our landlord decided to sell the house we were living in. And my dad and I don’t get along. And I’m having to run interference between him and my daughter for the past three months. And it’s hard, because I really don’t wanna live with him. There’s a reason I moved 30 miles away, so I wouldn’t have to see him. But I didn’t feel like we had a choice during the pandemic to try to find a safe place to live. So I can’t say anything while I’m in the house with both of them. I have to be nice and I have to smile and I have to ignore the stupid shit that comes out of his mouth. And explain it to her later. And help her put it in context. Because he’s not gonna change and he doesn’t see that the racist stuff he does is wrong, but she does. And I do. And I’m just losing it. I’m over it. I can’t wait to move out. I am so happy for this Hotline. Thank you for letting me share this. You’re all doing a good job.
biz
First of all, you’re doing a really good job. I… this is… what is, like, the thing that we discovered so early on in this pandemic? And I think it is that there are no easy choices. At all. Right now. We are only able to make “the best” choice that we can with so many limitations on us right now? And… what you are experiencing—I just want you to know that—and you—I hope you know this. You’re not alone. You’re not alone at all. And how remarkable—what a remarkable job you have done raising your daughter in that she understands that this stuff that’s coming out of your dad’s mouth is not okay. Y’know, relationships are fucking messy. We can’t always just be like, “Nope! Done!” Right? Like, kids to their parents. Okay? So I just… what you’re doing? I just want to let you know you’re doing actually a really remarkable job helping your child navigate this incredibly difficult situation. Okay? That’s one. Two? [Sighs.] That’s a lot, man. Being in a house with somebody that you don’t like. It’s so much. Right now.
theresa
Yeah. I just wanna chime in and say I think you’re super strong and you’re—I wish you didn’t have to do this. I wish you didn’t have to go through this. And I totally see why it has come to this, and I agree with you, Biz. There’s no easy way out of this situation. For any of us. So it’s like one crappy situation or another. And I just… I think you’re super strong. And I think you’re doing such a good job. And I think you should call back any time, because we are—we are thinking of you.
biz
You are doing a really good job. And your daughter is so lucky to have you. You are a very good parent. What did we learn today, Theresa? I’ll tell you what I learned—fuck sacks of bananas! Bring on the cake. I want cake. This is the Year of Cake. Cake, cake, cake. Not just cake parenting, but cake everything. Cake should be the balm that soothes us. Cake band-aids. Cake—I dunno—mattresses. Cake baths. Cake cars. All cake! All the time! So much delicious, multi-layered, surprise! There’s confetti inside of it! Like, edible confetti. Yum, cake. That’s what I learned.
theresa
I’m ready. My cake will be gluten-free? But I’m in. [Biz laughs.] I’m totally in for this.
biz
I think we also learned that we’re all doing a good job. No one—no one has got this nailed down. Pandemic or no. This is—let’s be real. These genius and fails? They weren’t really the result of the pandemic. [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] They are just the result of us trying to walk through the world pretending like we know what we’re doing. [Theresa laughs.] Let’s stop doing that. I love the woman who’s like, “At four months I already don’t know how to be a parent!” I’m like, “Uh! At eleven years, I’m like… I dunno. Still don’t have the right nipple size for my oldest.”
theresa
This is— [Laughs.] This is funny because just this morning, I was sitting with Oscar while he was—my seven-year-old—while he was working on a little cardboard model that he got at like the dollar store? And I was helping him with it and I can’t remember what he said— [Laughs.] That led me to respond, “Well, y’know, nobody really knows how to do anything, is what you’ll figure out. So if you can just, y’know, not worry about it too much and just keep trying? It’ll be fine.” [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
biz
That’s—that’s us!
theresa
But I was thinking that. Like, that’s basically true.
biz
Yeah! Let’s go back to a classic. “You’re getting really good at this.” Instead of thinking about how horrible we are doing, we gotta look at it like we’re getting better! At it! Guys? The only takeaway that we need to even focus on is that we’re not alone. We don’t know what we’re doing. We’re also doing a remarkable job. I want to thank everyone for being so supportive and helpful and… staying with us over this very weird spring and fall and, y’know, of this year. Theresa, it has just been so great to have you for genius and fails. And this was such a—this was my Christmas gift. This was my cake. Was having us together for a whole show. I am so thankful that this year, we got to bring Gabe into the Period Hut. Welcome. I forgot to tell you that’s what we call it. And I’m so very grateful and thankful for Gabe. I am so thankful to all the woos. All the people who have wooed with me this year. Has been so nice. You’re all just doing an amazing job!
theresa
I am also thankful for the people who’ve called in their woos and their “how are you’s” and I am grateful to you, Biz, for holding it down.
biz
I like coming into a room and just talking out loud to a picture of myself on a screen. [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] Theresa? Here’s the deal. You are doing an amazing job. I mean… you’re doing such a good job!
theresa
I believe you.
biz
You should believe me! [Theresa laughs.] Because it’s fucking true, man! [Laughs.]
theresa
I don’t think you could possibly put more emphasis on words than you are right now. So I really—
biz
Exclamation! Exclamation!
theresa
—I believe that you feel that way.
biz
I am trying to ooze it on you! [Theresa laughs.] Through the screen!
theresa
Thank you, Biz. I really appreciate you as my friend? And I also see what an incredibly good job you are doing.
biz
Thank you very much. Guys? No show next week. We are taking a week off. [Laughs.] To stay home with our families. [Both laugh wildly.] Woo. Li’l staycation. [Theresa laughs.] And we’ll talk to you—wait for it—next year.
crosstalk
Biz and Theresa: Byeeeee!
music
“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics. _I got the lowdown momma blues_ Got the lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues The lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues Got the lowdown momma blues You know that’s right [Music fades somewhat, plays in background of dialogue.]
biz
We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Gabe Mara; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.
theresa
One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate. [Music continues for a while before fading out.]
music
A cheerful ukulele chord.
speaker 2
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
Artist owned—
speaker 4
—Audience supported.
About the show
One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren’t all magical vessels!
Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing.
Call in your geniuses and fails: 206-350-9485. For booking and guest ideas, please email onebadmother@maximumfun.org. To keep up with One Bad Mother on social media, follow @onebadmothers on Twitter and Instagram.
Get in touch with the show
onebadmother@maximumfun.org
@OneBadMothers
@onebadmothers
How to listen
Stream or download episodes directly from our website, or listen via your favorite podcatcher!
