Transcript
biz ellis
Hi. I’m Biz.
theresa thorn
And I’m Theresa.
biz
Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.
music
“Summoning the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums. [Continues through dialogue.]
biz
This week on One Bad Mother—can kids predict the future? Plus, Biz is trying to lose control and is joined by guest host Rebecca Blum. And we talk to Chandra Austin about her new children’s book, Qiana’s Braids.
biz
[Cheering] Woooo! [Staccato singing] Boo doo boo boo, boo boo! Whew! Even though I said I had a cohost, I’m wooing all alone. [Laughs.] Because… parenting! [Laughs.] Rebecca, who’s going to be joining me as cohost, is, uh, having a little technical family-related hiccup. So I’m just gonna keep us going here with a little introduction and when she arrives, she will join us for the topic. But before we do that! I need to say… again, how thankful we are for all of the essential workers. I can’t say enough of the thank-you’s. There are so many people out there who—since this pandemic began—have absolutely had to work. Because the jobs that they have—be it medical; be it service industry; be it clerk at a store, or a bagger, or a delivery person—these are jobs that have needed to be performed to keep us going. And you are amazing. And we know that this is incredibly difficult and has forced difficult conversations. You have your own families that you have to take care of and… it is… just… a lot. And we see you. I’d also like to take a moment to give a special shoutout to everyone who is volunteering during these times. If you are volunteering by giving blood; if you are volunteering by taking people meals or checking on your neighbors; by amusing someone’s child through FaceTime or over a fence; or if you’ve been volunteering to help get this country ready for elections in November. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
biz
Now! How am I doing, Biz? [Through laughter] Well—since this is the first time in a week I’ve had any time alone to myself—I’m doing better than I was an hour ago? Well, actually, an hour ago I was in therapy crying. [Laughs.] Because I am—I’m really done. Uh, a lot of slippery slopes happening. But the real thing I think I’m struggling with—and there are a lot of things going on, not just the pandemic, but the show. Stefan’s work. Uh, the kids and school. My parents. Like, a variety of different things that… a year ago I felt I had some control over. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! And that now I have zero control? Like… going up a mountain, like, to find inner— [Laughs.] Inner guidance. Inner peace from, like, some sort of yogi. That kind of no control, except I don’t think I’ve been willingly giving away that sense of control. [Laughs.] I feel like it’s being ripped from me. And I don’t like it! Some of you may know that if you’ve listened to the show for a number of years. I like things—I like puzzles! I can control them and put their things in their place. Isn’t that nice! And life is not a puzzle and that’s a big disappointment. [Laughs.] In fact, I have no control over what’s going on right now in my life? And I have no control on what’s going to happen in the future. But I do know something I can control for just a split second, and that is—Ellis has brought to my attention that Katy Belle has been a guest on this show a number of times and he has not and he would like to come and say, “Hello.” So everybody, without further ado, I present—Ellis!
ellis
Hello! You remember me from one of the episodes.
biz
That’s right. Ellis, I have a question for you.
ellis
Okay! What is it?
biz
Alright. How have you been enjoying—what do you think about all the sheltering at place; not being at school; summer at home—what do you think about all that?
ellis
I kinda like it and I kinda don’t like it.
biz
Ooh! That’s new. Well, first, tell us why you kinda like it.
ellis
I kinda like it ‘cause I’m seeing my family but I don’t like it because I don’t see my friends.
biz
Yeah. That is hard. That is—what is your favorite thing—do you have a favorite thing you and I have done over all this time together? Like a—
ellis
I don’t think so. [Biz laughs.]
biz
No? No, nothing good?
ellis
I don’t think I have a favorite.
biz
Oh, okay. I have been enjoying being outside with you.
ellis
Yeah. Me, too.
biz
Oh! Good! Alright. Do you wanna tell everybody goodbye?
ellis
Byeee! [Biz laughs.] Bye, One Bad Mothers! See ya next time I come on!
biz
Woo! Ellis! Good job. Thank you. Thank you, Ellis! Through the magic of podcasting, uh, Ellis has spoken and has left. And with me now is Rebecca Blum. Who is going to be my cohost for today, and I’m gonna tell you more about her when we get into our topic. But just like I have learned I can’t control Ellis or anything else in my life, I think that ties in nicely to what we’re gonna talk about today, which is, uh, the future! [Laughs.]
music
Banjo strums; cheerful banjo music continues through dialogue.
theresa
Please—take a moment to remember: If you’re friends of the hosts of One Bad Mother, you should assume that when we talk about other moms, we’re talking about you.
biz
If you are married to the host of One Bad Mother, we definitely are talking about you.
theresa
Nothing we say constitutes professional parenting advice.
biz
Biz and Theresa’s children are brilliant, lovely, and exceedingly extraordinary.
theresa
Nothing said on this podcast about them implies otherwise. [Banjo music fades out.] [Biz and Rebecca repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss the weekly topic.]
biz
[Singing and snapping in time] Rebecca is a friend of mine. And she’s joining me as a cohost! [Rebecca laughs.]
rebecca blum
Hi, Biz!
biz
[Through laughter] Hi! I am going to share a little information about you. But to be honest… I don’t wanna take away the thrill of asking you who lives in your house. So all I’m gonna say is, you and I are friends and you have been teaching early childhood education and early elementary education for 16 years. Uh, now. Who lives in your house?
rebecca
Oooh! Uh, myself. My husband, Chuck. Our 15-month-old baby Noam. And then, from time to time— [Biz laughs.] —four—any four of my stepchildren can grace us with their presence. As they will tonight. Two of them will be sleeping over.
biz
How old are the stepchildren?
rebecca
They are 10; almost 15—15 this weekend; 17, and 20. But the 20-year-old lives in Israel. So. He graces us with his presence a little less.
biz
[Through laughter] That’s—
rebecca
Less frequently.
biz
—a lotta teens.
rebecca
It’s a lot of teens. Oh my gosh. Three teens!
biz
Three teens and a baby!
rebecca
Yeah.
biz
Yeah. That is so, so interesting and so much. Uh, I have to stop and tell everybody—recording from home definitely sets up challenges. Rebecca is literally hiding in a very small closet and at first there were no lights on. And now there’s, like, a flashlight kind of light on. And I don’t—
rebecca
Like, super creepy. Right?
biz
Rebecca: Like, it looks like I’m in a horror movie. I’m so sorry. Biz: Yeah! It’s super creepy! Yes! Yes!
biz
Well I was just saying to Katy Belle, “Wouldn’t a Zoom horror movie be great!”
biz
Rebecca: Ooooh! Biz: You know, like—
biz
—how you lose somebody? Like, somebody, like, drops off—oop, we just lost somebody. They dropped off. But, like, they’re actually—they’ve dropped off ‘cause they’re dead. Like I’ve got two sheets hanging behind me. This is new. [Rebecca laughs.] I have two sheets and any moment they could be just ripped open and I could be stabbed to death.
rebecca
[Through laughter] You know, last week— [Biz laughs.] —I did this workshop last week with this organization called “Teaching Tolerance.” It’s amazing. But they put you in breakout rooms. And I’d never done it before. So you went, like, zhoooop! And then like— and then we were all meeting and then talking and then people started disappearing. But it’s just how breakout rooms work on Zoom which I didn’t even know about.
biz
Ooh, see, my kindergartener, uh, becoming first grader, they were all into the breakout rooms. [Laughs.]
biz
Rebecca: Oh, they know all about it? And I don’t even know about it! Biz: They know—they know all about it! Um—
rebecca
Oh, never mind!
biz
Yeah! I just—like, I wanna make a joke about spending seven minutes in heaven with you right now. [Rebecca laughs.] Because you are in a closet. But instead, we’re gonna talk about the future. And I— [Laughs.] Because it’s looking rosy.
biz
Rebecca: Please. Let’s go there. Let’s go there instead of here. Biz: It’s—it’s—it’s great.
biz
Yeah. I would like to emphasize—this is not an adult’s version— [Rebecca laughs.] —of what—I don’t want to know what you think the future holds. And you guys for sure do not want me to share what dark apocalyptic future I think is waiting for us. Instead, I kinda wanna talk about, like, how kids see the future? [Laughs.] I’ll just start with—Ellis is very certain of his future. And he has known this for a long time and he is ready to tell you that he is going to… grow up and continue to live in this house, which I think is a norm for the future. Uh—
rebecca
Mm-hm. Definitely.
biz
I will definitely be—he is going to live with me forever. But he’s also going to get married and have four children. They’ll be named Ellis, Ellis, Ellis, and Katy Belle. [Rebecca laughs.] And he’s very excited about being a parent. And I’ll be there to help.
rebecca
That’s so kind of you.
biz
Isn’t it nice?
rebecca
Wait, I have a question. Is Stefan involved in this?
biz
Yeah. No. There’s no mention of— [Rebecca laughs.] [Through laughter] I was just about to say, there is never mention of anyone else who currently lives in this family. Uh, let me just quick flash to Psycho. So— [Rebecca mimics the famous Psycho background music.] Yeah! [Makes Psycho noise.] It’s like this curtains—again, like I said—these sheets—any minute—are gonna be pulled back and I will be stabbed. So that’s one example. Of the future. And Ellis is… six. And I guess this seems a—I have nothing to compare it to.
rebecca
Mm-hm.
biz
Uh, sure. All six-year-olds will live with them forever.
rebecca
Y’know, I remember exactly what my plan was at six?
biz
Oh, okay.
rebecca
It—I went to a babysitter’s super regularly. Working mom. Single working mom, went to a babysitter’s. And my closest and oldest friend Erin O’Donnell and I decided that we were each gonna marry one of two brothers. I was gonna marry David and she was gonna marry Michael and we were all gonna live in a house with bunk beds.
biz
That is incredibly romantic!
rebecca
‘Cause they went to our babysitter’s also! So, and like, the ages worked out? Like, he was older and I was older, and she was younger and he was younger. And there would be bunkbeds.
biz
That’s really— [Rebecca laughs.] —nice. I’m trying to remember—once I saw the movie Oliver & Company, which is a not-very-well-known Disney movie, with Billy Joel and a little cat who has to learn some—
biz
Rebecca: I remember that! Biz: —street sense in New York City.
biz
I knew that I was going to live in New York City. I was… I would say, like, reoccurring themes were definitely, uh, New York. And definitely… out of there. I did not wanna live with my family. Forever. [Rebecca laughs.] I will say—it’s funny. I’m—your—the marriage thing is making me think of just that sort of… like, romanticized, idealized… like, it’s funny, I think, that like the future for kids lots of times involves, "Well, I’ll be married. I’ll have a certain job. I’m gonna have kids.” Like, and usually it is about somebody that you know. I have like a long list of boys I was sure… I was going to marry. And… sorry, Marty Holt! Didn’t work out!
biz
Rebecca: Didn’t. Just didn’t. Biz: Didn’t work out.
biz
But I still have that picture of you with a deer you slaughtered. [Rebecca laughs.] On a hunting trip. Still have that somewhere. Because you were really cute in that picture and I grew up in Alabama. So. [Laughs.] [Rebecca laughs.]
rebecca
It’s so true, though. The marriage thing for kids at that age is so, like, concrete for them? Uh, when I moved to Brooklyn and—it didn’t happen to me when I taught in California. But when I was teaching in Brooklyn—I was teaching second grade—I had kids who… I was trying to explain that I had a roommate. And they were like, “But you’re not married?” And I’m like, yeah. Don’t rub it in, you jerks! [Biz laughs.] Like, they— [Laughs.] They just—like, it just—they couldn’t—we had to talk about it several times. They were very confused.
biz
Well I think—but that, really, actually, I think speaks to the images that we project and… like… put out there. That are around our kids all the time. I mean, like, even in a household that you grew up in with a single working mom, you still had this idea that… you were gonna get married. And I don’t know what I’ve done in my house, but Katy Belle— [Laughs.] Her future involves no children.
rebecca
I love it.
biz
And very possibly no relationship. Even though I’m like, Stefan and I are a good time! What’s going on? Y’know, like, we grew up watching… a lot of sitcoms? A lot of—that, like, portrayed a future that involved, y’know, an immediate sort of family—“traditional” family dynamic.
rebecca
Mm-hm.
biz
But my kids aren’t growing up with that. With, y’know. Netflix and things like that, there’s no, like, “This is the one story and it comes out on one of three channels every night.” And we don’t—I’m like, I don’t think Katy Belle’s ever watched a sitcom.
rebecca
They don’t have that setup like we did.
biz
So I wonder how much that plays into it. I don’t know. I’m overthinking it. [Laughs.]
rebecca
I don’t know! But y’know, I really do, Biz. I really do think that kids often—and granted, my—my test audience is my own family? But I think that children often do have a sense of, like, what they do and don’t want. Like… apparently at 10 I told my mom that I loved her very much but that when I was 18 I was getting my own apartment. Which was totally true. I was like, I’m out of here. Goodbye. And my sister—a younger sister of mine—always was like, yeah. I’m gonna live next door to Mom and Dad. And she still lives in Lubbock, Texas, where both of our—where both my dad and stepmom live!
biz
Wow.
rebecca
And I don’t think she’ll ever leave.
biz
Wow!
rebecca
Like, I think children kind of know… like, the general gist. Like, Katy Belle is maybe like, yeah! I’m—I want an adventure! And Ellis is like, I want my mom! [Biz laughs.] Forever. For. Ever.
biz
Forever. And ever. No, and I… I love the free spirit of the future. Like, that the kids—that Katy Belle has, in particular. ‘Cause that is very similar to me. But like… I find it interesting that there’s no a lot of, like… well, in the future, y’know, if I were to ask the kids what’s it gonna be like in 20 years, they’re gonna say, like, Katy Belle’s gonna say she’s gonna be living in Japan with one of her friends. ‘K? ‘Cause that’s what she really wants to do now. And then Ellis will be living with me. But there aren’t flying cars. We’re still living in, y’know, Pasadena. Not the moon, or whatever. Like, I don’t—is there—you’re an early education person. So, like, is there… is there, like, a space in their brain developmentally at that age that… it is more about sort of intimate details? In the future? Before they get to the, like, “In the year 2020, the dog will walk itself!” Right? Like—
rebecca
Totally! Totally. I think it starts with the things that they know? And it depends on how big their world is. Right? Like, Ellis’s world is in Pasadena and Katy Belle’s world—just those, like, four- or five-year difference—is in, like, she’s now shifted to like a global perspective.
biz
Yeah.
rebecca
If you’re the kind of family that has lived in Kansas for five generations and has never left, like, why would it be different?
biz
Yeah. No. That’s interesting. And it will be interesting to see what this experience that we’re living in right now, how that will affect their version of the future because people’s worlds are very, very small right now. Like, even smaller than if they were already small! Right? Like— [Laughs.] And so that’s interesting.
rebecca
And I feel like people—either they love it and that works for them, or they’re gonna flipping lose their minds.
biz
Rebecca: [Through laughter] And get as far away as possible, as soon as possible. Biz: Yes. I’m gonna raise my hand. [Laughs.] I know! [Laughs.]
biz
People are just gonna lose their shit. Katy Belle’s gonna be, like, can I go to college now, at 12? Is that okay? Like, I know everything.
rebecca
I’ve got the car packed. Let’s go.
biz
I figured out driving. [Rebecca laughs.] Um, so— [Laughs.] Do you remember, as a kid, did you—I’m doing a funny thing with my hands and it’ll make sense in a second. A future teller? Like, there were a bunch of different, like…
rebecca
[Gasps] Yes!
biz
Games?
rebecca
Rebecca: Oh, they still do them! Children still do them. Biz: Oh, yes! I know. I know.
biz
I’m so happy, too, because I did have a period of time when the—Katy Belle was very young. How would she learn, like… awful jokes and like… how to play MASH or how to play—like, she came home the other day playing MASH. Not the other day. What the fuck. [Rebecca laughs.] She came home this year, uh, playing MASH. A version of MASH. And anybody who doesn’t know what MASH is, you would have, like, M-A-S-H. And that would start this game. “M” stood for “Mansion;” “A” stood for “Apartment,” uh, “S” stood for “Shack.” “H” stood for “House.” Kids really—man. We have our finger on what the world is like. Anyway.
rebecca
Economic problems.
biz
Yeah. Economic issues. And then there would be like other things like you have to name four cars. You’d have to name—so there were four places—
biz
Biz: —you’d live. Rebecca: Four boys.
biz
Four boys. Four houses. Can I just—I just have to stop. Real quick. And Stefan and I have been, like, really marveling in the fact that at least for our children and the world that they are growing up in currently—with their friends and school—just everything. Uh, I—it brings me such joy that my children use language, like, “nonbinary” and everything else on the spectrum? Like… it’s like the cool thing to do. Right? And I—that makes me so happy that like the cool thing to do is to talk about being somewhere on the LGBTQ, like, thing?
rebecca
It’s amazing!
biz
No, it really is! So, like… I just—when I think about, like, the world I grew up in where it was like, “Name four boys!” [Laughs.] I’m just like [through laughter] that makes me… delighted.
rebecca
Uh, when we got married and I was trying to be stepmom of the year—which is a whole ‘nother story—
biz
Good luck.
rebecca
Um, with some important lessons learned. [Biz laughs.] We got, um, I got some board games. And I got LIFE ‘cause I remembered loving LIFE.
biz
Rebecca: And immediately— Biz: We have LIFE at home right now, too! Yeah.
rebecca
Yeah! The 20-year-old was like, “Well, why are there only boys and girls? And why do you have to marry a—” like, immediately caught on. And I was like, good for you. You’re right. This game’s the worst. Let’s get rid of it.
biz
The first time we played that, Katy Belle and I sat down to play it and we—I was like, “It’s time to force you to get married!” But now we always start with the question at the beginning of the game—who do you wanna be? Right, and they can pick. Y’know. Blue or pink. Right? And… then when it’s time to get married, you can pick—are you gonna marry a lady this time or are you gonna marry a man this time?
biz
Rebecca: Ooh, I love it! Biz: And of course, my kids—
biz
My kids are like, “Well… even though this one is blue, they’re nonbinary.” And I— [Laughs.]
rebecca
[Through laughter] I love it!
biz
I like, yassss! Okay. Great. Um… anyway.
rebecca
I love it.
biz
Back to MASH. You had to pick four cars; four houses; four boys; four… I mean, if you wanted to get really detailed you could go into jobs. You could go into pets. You could go into, like, cities and states. And to me that was like a version of… like, gameplay that was about predicting the future.
rebecca
Yes!
biz
Ouija boards? Not that, y’know—don’t open a Hellmouth in your home, everybody. But the Magic 8 Ball? The, y’know, like, all these things are about trying to predict… your future as a kid.
rebecca
Right? And they’re such childhood things ‘cause it’s—I don’t know! I felt… I felt very… I loved daydreaming about what the future would be. Like, loved it. Probably could’ve done a little more work to prepare for it? Instead of just daydreaming about it? [Biz laughs.] To be quite honest?
biz
Sure. Sure.
rebecca
But I—yeah, you’re right! There’s a lot of stuff in childhood. And that’s also—it’s odd. I’m trying to—I’m trying to weed out of my vocabulary asking children what they wanna be when they grow up. Because—
biz
It’s a hard one to weed out, yeah.
rebecca
It’s—it’s… we’re so, like, geared to think that way. And I just think they have other things to share that are probably much more interesting.
biz
What? They don’t need to have their life plan set up?
rebecca
Well… I thought I did. So.
biz
Well, right.
rebecca
I’m working on it. [Biz laughs.] It’s a new development in my existence.
biz
My kids keep freaking out when they’re, like… I’ll mention a job that I’ve had, and they’ll be, like, “You also had that job?” [Rebecca laughs.] And I appreciate that they think my storied career past is exciting. And not—and not representative of something else, probably, going on in my life. But, y’know. It is funny how they… talk about their jobs as well. And money—money is just… there’s no concept of money. We’re all gonna be rich. There’s— [Laughs.] There’s no question.
rebecca
Endlessly. Like, a bottomless pit.
biz
Like a—
rebecca
Of money.
biz
Yes. Bottom—yeah!
rebecca
Just comes up from the bottom. Like a—like a wellspring, really.
biz
It’s a well! I know. Well, this—that, actually, I think, leads really into sort of the last thing—I want to talk about this. And I have a—I have a feeling I know what you’re answer’s gonna be, but I enjoy being surprised. Like, where are you… on… like… how much do you let ‘em say whatever they wanna say about the future? And I think—does that make sense? Like, I don’t say to Ellis, “No. You are not living with me.” Right? Sometimes, like, I… I have found it very easy to not negate what they think their futures will be. I do struggle, though, sometimes if I am not in a really good place. [Laughs.] And I’m very tired. With like… reality checks.
rebecca
Mm-hm.
biz
AKA, being a total jerk to my kid. Um—
rebecca
Mm-hm.
biz
So… yeah! Where are you on all that?
rebecca
You know… it’s so hard. It’s so hard. Because you wanna be, like… so, um, tell me… what do you think your options would be that would help that happen? How do you think that would—and you can immediately feel, like, the joy being drained from their being. So—
biz
Well, especially at that age. ‘Cause you’ve got old teens. Coming and going from your house. And there is, I think, a window where… the, like, sort of… childhood… fun of imagining what the future’s going to be—I don’t need to tell my six-year-old that money is not going to just spring from a well. I don’t think that serves a purpose. Especially if I’m talking about things like jobs and—and, like, other situations. I’m talking about how—where money comes from. Right? I don’t need to do a lecture on that when they’re fantasizing about their future. I’ll do it at the store or some other place. Right? Like, there’s lot of other places to crush their spirits.
rebecca
That is so thoughtful of you. That’s really thoughtful.
biz
Well, I—thank you. But as they get older, there is a—a little bit more, like, okay, well… how… how will that work? And you’re right! It’s a real… joy-kill! Like, to ask them that question! And for me, I hated it when my parents did that. And… yet… I know that they were coming from a place of trying to help me?
rebecca
Yes.
biz
Right? Like… I don’t want my children to just think that everything is just gonna come the way they imagine it. Like, things—you’re not gonna learn piano just ‘cause you want to be a pianist. Right? Like, you have—there are steps.
rebecca
There’s this whole “practice” bit.
biz
Yeah. There’s—god. My children hate practicing. Uh—
rebecca
The 10-year-old has been doing this a lot lately where she’s sad. Like, thinks she wants—we’re in an apartment and she wants us to move to a house. And we would love to move to a house. And so she keeps coming at this and being, like… but could you just save some money? [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
biz
[Through laughter] Yeah! Can’t you—why aren’t you trying hard enough to get me a house?
rebecca
So I keep trying to explain it, like, gently, right? Finding that balance? Between being, like… gently saying, like, “So we are pretty good at saving money, actually. And let me—let me break it down for you.” But I get, like, two sentences in and she’s gone. She doesn’t really wanna know.
biz
No! No! [Rebecca laughs.] They don’t— [Laughs.] They—no! Like—like, all of us—
rebecca
She’s like, “Bye.”
biz
Yeah. All of us. [Laughs.] We only want the rosy future that we imagine. And without any of the actual information that we might need to execute that future. Because—for the most part—that’s no fun!
rebecca
No. It’s not!
biz
No.
rebecca
Every time I start the sentence, “Okay. So imagine you had—at your job you made $100 every month.” She’s—
biz
Yeah. Oh. They’re out the door. They’re out the door.
biz
Rebecca: —gone. Gone. I have killed it. Biz: They’re gone. They’re— [Laughs.]
rebecca
I’ve tried responsible budgeting lectures? Not even lectures. Just exercises. Mind experiments, if you will.
biz
Sure.
rebecca
Did not work.
biz
No.
rebecca
I’ve failed.
biz
Yeah. Nope! Real quick—wrap-up question. What… outside of… the—is there anything that you imagined for your future that you wanted for yourself that you did get, but, uh, wasn’t at all what you imagined?
rebecca
Yes.
biz
Ah!
rebecca
I definitely wanted, like, a big household with a lot of kids.
biz
Yep.
rebecca
It just got delivered very differently. [Biz laughs.]
biz
All at once? [Laughs.]
rebecca
Than how I thought it was gonna happen. And my, uh, my lower back? [Biz laughs.] And my uterus thank the universe. Every day.
biz
That’s—that’s pretty good!
music
“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds. [Music fades out.]
music
Laid-back acoustic guitar plays in the background.
biz
One Bad Mother is supported in part by Care.com. In this time of need, Care.com is really here to help you. Do you have too much on your plate? Yes! Care.com can help you find reliable sitters and nannies to help you make your workdays a little easier. You can also find a tutor to help your child continue learning from home if your schools are closed down. With tools and information to guide families through the hiring process—reviews, background checks—Care.com provides a platform for finding all kinds of family care. From childcare to senior care; errands; housekeeping; and pet care. Theresa and I both have Care.com premium memberships. I cannot emphasize enough what a gift it’s been to be able to find support, especially when we live where we have no family. To save 30% off a Care.com premium membership, visit Care.com/badmother or use promo code “badmother.”
theresa
Hey, you know what it’s time for! This week’s genius and fails! This is the part of the show where we share our genius moment of the week, as well as our failures, and feel better about ourselves by hearing yours. You can share some of your own by calling 206-350-9485. That’s 206-350-9485.
biz
Genius fail time, Rebecca. Genius me.
clip
[Dramatic, swelling music in background.] Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius! [Biz and Theresa repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss their respective genius moments of the week.]
rebecca
Okay. I’m really proud of this one.
biz
Okay.
rebecca
So… my husband—our—our kids are—do not have, like, overnights with us and—his kids from his first marriage. And he misses them so much. He loves them so much. And sometimes he will just—especially since we’ve been home, this has been happening more—he will just come up to me. Y’know, I’m like, working. Or doing something productive. And he will come up to me with a baby picture of one of my stepchildren. And be like— [Biz laughs.] “Look at themmm!” [Laughs.] He loves them so much. And he misses—also, y’know, these big teenagers, he misses those little babies. And so I—for Father’s Day, ‘cause we just had Father’s Day on Sunday—I had the best idea. I got—I ordered a bunch of scrapbooking materials. And also, of course, when the kids come over on Sunday they come over Sunday afternoons and we’re all stuck in the same walls as always and there’s—feels like there’s nothing to do so it’s also difficult to come up with activities. So anyway. I get all these scrapbooking materials. I put out an extra folding table. And we made a big album of all these pictures of him with the kids when they were little and everybody made their own pages and now he has, like, this adorable scrapbook. Of him with all the kids.
biz
Oh, good job!
rebecca
I know! [Biz laughs.] It was really good!
biz
Biz: That is really— Rebecca: I did a good job!
biz
You did a good job! Okay. So… I… had—so I— [Laughs.] Started a journal when this whole pandemic thing started. And that in itself was a genius ‘cause I had a place to put my thoughts. And I haven’t been using it as much as I should. But I recently… just took one of the pages in it and I have started a list of all the things the kids are, like, learning? Or have, like, sort of… developmentally, kind of, achieved, if that makes sense? Like, just like a list! Like, Katy Belle has learned, like… they do some of these, like, little classes online in the summer? Um, from the website? From a website? And, like, she learned how to make rice balls. And she’s making them, like, all by herself and they’re delicious. Ellis has started getting the newspaper every morning for us. Like, he—it gives him real purpose.
rebecca
That’s really lovely!
biz
They’re—he’s learning how to use the stove. He—y’know, like, just basically a list of like—Katy Belle and I have been playing badminton in the yard? So technically we’ve learned how to play badminton and jacks! Like, just like a list… because… I… I can be so overwhelmed by how hard, uh, a time I’m having? That it’s kind of nice. And for them! I want them to see, like, how much they actually did… over this time period. So that’s what I’ve been doing.
rebecca
Good job!
biz
Thank you!
rebecca
That—I hope that helps on difficult—the more difficult days.
biz
Yeah. It does.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa! I’m calling with a genius. I’m pretty excited about this. We have had the same monitor for over three years since my first son was born. We have a baby and have a [inaudible] on a different floor from the kids’ room so we use the monitor all the time. The battery dies in about 30 seconds of using it and has for close to three years now. We’ve just been putting up with it, dragging the charger around with us everywhere we go. And I just realized you can buy a replacement battery for $10 on Amazon! I don’t know why I waited three years to do that, but I am very excited that now my monitor will hold a charge for at least an hour or two when the kids are sleeping and we are doing things around the house! So that’s my genius. Everyone’s doing a great job. Thanks.
biz
Yayyyy! That was genius! That—
rebecca
That is totally genius.
biz
Sometimes you just gotta Google that shit and solve your problem! [Rebecca laughs.]
biz
And what I really like—this is totally one of those geniuses that are like… I just imagine… telling anybody that genius? And then being, like—or even telling them the problem.
rebecca
Yes.
biz
And like, just the like, “Why don’t you get a fucking new battery?” Right? It’s like, no, no, no, no, no. That’s not how life—
rebecca
You don’t understand!
biz
That’s not how… my brain or life works anymore.
rebecca
Right. No, no, no, no, no. I don’t think of this until 8:30 at night.
biz
Yeah! And then I have to act on it then? Nope! Too late! No! That’s—
rebecca
‘Cause I’ve been putting my child down for ever.
biz
I bet if I say it three times in my head I’ll remember it tomorrow. [Both laugh.] Nope! Nope! Hence three years later, you respond to an email. Failures!
clip
[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.] Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL! [Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.] Biz: [Calmly] You suck! [Biz and Theresa repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss their respective failures of the week.]
biz
Fail me, Rebecca!
rebecca
[Sighing] Ohhh. Alright. So the other night… my child—my child. Is 15 months old. And he’s delightful. In so many ways. However. He’s a real pain in the ass to put to bed.
biz
Ah. Mm.
rebecca
It’s the worst.
biz
Doesn’t like to go down easy?
rebecca
No. [Biz laughs.] Not at all. He wants to party all the time.
biz
Nice!
rebecca
So—and—and—here’s the thing. Whatever does work? Right? Like—as soon as I find the thing that does work, it maybe works for two to three days and then it’s—it never, ever works again. It’s just—it’s over.
biz
Yeah. No, it’s over.
rebecca
And I just get so mad… ‘cause I’m standing there—or sitting or laying or whatever—for two hours, being like, “You know what else I could be doing right now? This and that and that.” So the other night i am now trying, like, the third or fourth thing and we’re laying down on the bottom bunk of the big kids’ bunk bed in his room. And he crawls over to me and he puts his right cheek, like, on my face— [Biz laughs.] —and then I’m just—I’m left there, like, how—how do we get to this moment? So I have decided… [Biz laughs.] —that I’m failing so badly at putting him to sleep that I’m all done.
biz
Rebecca: And I’m now going to be, like, a European. Biz: Yeah! You’re just all done.
rebecca
And he’s just gonna fall asleep on the floor when he’s ready. [Biz laughs.] I’m done. It’s summer. I don’t have anywhere to be in the morning. [Biz laughs.] Forget it.
biz
That kid’s just gonna… fall—there is—there is nothing I hated more than people coming over to my house and saying, “They’ll fall asleep!”
biz
Rebecca: “Just let ‘em fall asleep!” Biz: And I was just like—
biz
“They—they don’t! This child could go for 24 hours! I swear to God!”
rebecca
And you don’t wanna deal with them then!
biz
You don’t wanna deal with that. I know. Well, you’re doing a horrible job.
rebecca
I am.
biz
How could you not make a baby that just falls asleep really quickly? It’s—it’s definitely your fault.
rebecca
I’m failing.
biz
[Through laughter] Yeah. Yeah.
biz
Biz: You’re horrible. Rebecca: I have failed motherhood.
biz
Oh, man. Put it on Facebook! Get some “support,” quote-unquote. [Rebecca laughs.] Ooh, that’s bad. Alright. My failure—I’m gonna go easy on myself this week. [Laughs.]
rebecca
Good for you!
biz
I could spend time on how I’ve ruined my children’s lives just probably by even being on a podcast about being a mom. [Rebecca laughs.] But I’m gonna put that aside and instead focus on the fact that I can’t get bread right in our house? Like, I have been… since the pandemic, I have been, like, the master of… like… shopping? For food. And going, like, three weeks—we could even go a little longer if we really needed to. Right? But like—
rebecca
That is impressive!
biz
No, I’m—like—we’re—like, I have been—yeah. No, I feel very good about that. Except… somehow, there’s only one person in the family who eats the white bread and that’s Ellis. And that shit is gone. Like—like… it should be… like… I get two loaves and then like somehow no one’s eating bread anymore? And then like if I get just the one loaf because, well, this is just a quick trip to the store because we were also out of milk. That’s gone. Like, I can’t time out bread anymore? And I don’t want to go to the store? Ever again? It stresses me the fuck out. And so like every time I open the… like, the door in the kitchen where the bread lives, it just—it—it dwindles? And every time I see its dwindling, sad bag? I think… I don’t want to have to get any more of you.
rebecca
Yeah!
biz
Because Ellis isn’t gonna eat peanut butter and fucking jelly on anything. Other than shitty white bread. So, y’know. Whatever.
rebecca
You suck.
biz
I do! I’m a horrible bread buyer. [Laughs.] [Rebecca laughs.] Gah!
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa. This is a fail. Well, it finally happened! He’s a week away from being 16 months old and he has eaten cat food. Yeah. You’re doing a great job. The jury is out if I am. Thank you for the show. Bye.
biz
Yeah. Uh, my question is—what took you so long, kid? This cat food’s been down here on the ground this whole time! Welcome to the cat food party! [Rebecca laughs.] For a while there was only one way I could get Katy Belle to eat, and that was to put food on the floor in a bowl and call her “Cat.” So like… [Rebecca laughs.] Y’know. I’ve—I see it as just… preparing to learn to eat a different way. Maybe. [Rebecca laughs.]
rebecca
I think, also… uh, no. That’s not kind. No.
biz
Yeah. You’re doing a horrible job.
biz
Biz: I mean, like—I— Rebecca: Yeah. Yeah. You’re the worst.
biz
Rebecca was really trying to find some way to maybe spin that as well, but—
rebecca
Well, I mean, developmentally, they are learning everything about their world by putting things in their mouth. But— [Biz laughs.] But you should feel bad about this. You should… definitely stay awake at night thinking about it.
biz
Oh, and you will! Don’t worry. [Rebecca laughs.] You will! We’ll all see you at 2:00 in the morning! [Laughs.]
rebecca
Definitely.
music
“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics. You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known. I love you, I love you. When I have a problem, I call you on the phone. I love you, I love you. [Music fades out.]
biz
[Singing] Do do, do do do doot! Woo! [Regular voice] We’ve got a Jumbotronnn! I love Jumbotrons. This Jumbotron is for Melissa. Melissa? Are you listening? This is a message from Theresa. [Inspirational music begins playing in the background.] “You are strong, loving, and resilient. And Franklin is so lucky to have you as a mom. You are doing an amazing job.” Melissa? Yes, you are! You are doing an amazing job! [Music fades.]
biz
Light rock music with electric guitar plays in background.
biz
One Bad Mother is supported in part by KiwiCo. Parents? You might feel like your kids’ summer vacation started wayyyy early if you’ve been at home together. [Laughs.] And now actual summer vacation is here. Like, right now! Like, we’re in it. KiwiCo provides super awesome projects sent right to your door. They have different kits for different ages. Ellis and Katy Belle have been getting KiwiCo for years. Ellis has built push vacuum. He has built a little walking robot. Katy Belle has received art projects that involve creating hanging crochet planters? [Laughs.] There’s no commitment so you can pause or cancel any time. KiwiCo is redefining play with hands-on projects that build confidence, creativity, and critical thinking skills. There’s something for every kid or kid at heart at KiwiCo. Get your first month free on select crates at KiwiCo.com/badmother. That’s K-I-W-I-C-O.com/badmother. [Music fades.]
biz
This week, we are talking to Chanda Austin, who is a new author that resides in Atlanta, Georgia. She is an educator who has worked in education for over 21 years. Qiana’s Braids is her first published book. She is the mother of an amazing 14-year-old daughter and she and I went to Central High School together a very long time ago. Um—
chanda austin
Yeah! [Laughs.]
biz
And it’s gonna make me want to sing Central High football game cheers, but I will not do that! [Chanda laughs.] Welcome to the show, Chanda! Thank you so much for joining us.
chanda
Thank you, thank you, thank you for having me! I so appreciate this opportunity.
biz
Oh! I was so excited to see that this—when this book came up on the old alumni Facebook group! So I’m glad that you could join us. But before we get into Qiana’s Braids, I wanted to ask you—uh, who lives in your house?
chanda
So I have my lovely and amazing 14-year-old. And that’s it! It’s just she and I. Um, I am a divorcee. And we are just here. We are sheltering in place still. Doing very little movement. So— [Biz laughs.] —it’s just she and I here. And if you know anything about teenagers, uh, I just go check every day just to make sure she’s living and she has food. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
biz
Oh. [Laughs.]
chanda
She’s had food. So as long as she is living and breathing we’re good. So I—periodically I’ll go upstairs and check on her. [Laughs.]
biz
Well, how are you, uh, doing with the sheltering in place and the pandemic and everything? How are you—how are you doing?
chanda
I am good! You know, it’s an adjustment. And we—because I am in education and I actually work for the school district. We’ve had to just shift some things that we’re doing but we’re still trying to serve kids. For example today I met some families at, uh, one of our elementary schools to give out some summer backpacks. So, you know, it’s just a shift. It’s been very quiet. I’ve been able to get a lot of things done. [Biz laughs.] Uh, it is one of those things that you look up and you’re like, okay, well if I don’t get it done today I can get it done tomorrow ‘cause I’ll be at home. [Laughs.] So it’s been—it’s been good! It’s been good. I’ve been able to walk in the mornings. Have time to just breathe a little differently, to be honest with you.
biz
That’s nice. I actually think that is a wonderful report. And I just wanna say thank you for everything you’re doing, uh, as an educator! I—you guys—everybody who’s working in education right now, holy cow. That’s a lot. So thank you. On behalf of everybody in the world. [Laughs.]
chanda
I appreciate that. I really do.
biz
Well, this is your first book. Qiana’s Braids. Congratulations.
chanda
Thank you!
biz
I would like to hear, uh, how you decided to write a children’s book and your inspiration for the story.
chanda
So the inspiration is—it’s a three-part inspiration. Uh, one part was to really get the messaging out about Black hair and what it looks like; what it feels like; what it sounds like. I think there’s a subculture in the Black community with going to the hair salon. It’s very different from probably any other ethnicity. SO you—you almost have this—it’s a family situation where, y’know, I’ve been with my same stylist for 21 years. And she’s become a part of my family and I remember when my daughter was able to go to the beauty salon. Now she’s a part of that community. So that was one part. The second part was really my daughter. She was the—one of the inspirations behind this book. As I said before, she’s a 14-year-old and we really struggle with her hair. The texture of it. And so my stylist suggested that, y’know, why don’t you try some braids with her? So we did and when I tell you it literally changed—it was like a 180 in my house. [Biz laughs.] How she felt about herself. Um, how she looked at herself. And it really just changed some things for her self-esteem. So that’s the second part of it. And the third part of it is I read—um, I try to do just a snapshot of the history of braids. It’s not just a protective styling; it’s really a correlation between the Transatlantic slave movement and also, um, just what happens to our ancestors in Africa and how, y’know, a lot of times there was a correlation between origin and religion. So I wanted to pull those pieces out. ‘Cause a lot of times it’s just looked at as a hairstyle. And I really wanted to give people this, uh, this snapshot of the culture of it. And it’s not just a hairstyle and it’s not just a protective hairstyle for women of color; it’s really some history behind it. Some really rich history.
biz
Which I loved in the book. There’s a rhythm to the book. And I don’t know how intentional that was, but I felt as I was reading it that there was a real sense of… journey? And rhythm? If that makes sense? Does that make sense?
rebecca
Yeah. No. It was intentional. I—and so from beginning to end it was very intentional. Because two things for little girls who are not of color—I wanted them to experience the journey. And for little girls of color, the feedback that I’ve gotten is, like, oh my god I could feel this story! Like, I could really feel you. And so that’s been great to get that kind of feedback back. Especially as a first-time author.
biz
Yeah! No! It’s—it’s amazing. I want to—the… it’s the story about this young girl, Qiana, who’s about to get her hair braided for the very first time and she’s really excited. And it’s—it is! It’s about celebrating her heritage and her family, which I really like. People of color and hair is… a big place people can step in it. There is a lot surrounding and tied into, I think, really the—our history. Of, y’know, systemic racism in our country is tied into the—this mystique, this “other.” That I think people have put on people of color’s hair. And so what is your own personal history, uh, as a child? How did you—your relationship with hair and braids and history?
chanda
So, interesting enough, um, I grew up, like, in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. And my family owned a beauty supply store.
biz
Ohh! There you go.
chanda
Growing up. So the whole subculture of the salon I was a part of— [Biz laughs.] Um, I remember, you know, going to my father’s, uh, store. Which was downtown Tuscaloosa, and I would help him package hair goods stuff. And we would go to salons all Saturdays. So I’ve been a part of that community since I was little and my parents—my uncle and my father, they all owned Ebony Beauty Salon, or—I’m sorry. Ebony Beauty Supply. And it was downtown Tuscaloosa. And—
biz
Oh my gosh! Yes! I didn’t know [through laughter] that. I remember it! Yeah.
chanda
So I grew up in that space and so, like, I said, is a subculture I think for Black women in particular. Because it’s a healing ground. It’s the healing—it’s the space that you can go and people can—you can really heal. So for me, that personal piece—when you talk about personal stories ‘cause we all have one—I watched, you know, my father and my uncle, you know, really build this beauty supply store and we would just go from salon to salon to salon. And I would get my hair done, like in these salons. And, um, it was a part—it really was a part of my childhood. Now, texture-wise, I’d never really had braids growing up. Y’know. I always—I have this, like, really, really soft hair. And so my hair could never really hold the braids as the—in this natural space. But just to kind of circle back to what you said about hair and Black people—Black hair, unfortunately, has been dehumanized. I say that with unapologetically when you see states like California having to put a bill out saying you can’t discriminate against Black women or Black men because of their hair. [Biz laughs.] And I have been told, y’know, as a natural hair wearer, y’know, if you go to an interview you need to straighten your hair. And so I want to give Black girls and women a platform to say, “Listen. This is a part of my body. This is a part of my God-given right and it shouldn’t be discriminated against because it might not look like or feel like what the beauty industry standard has created for just people in general.”
biz
I know.
chanda
So—for me, I hope that when little girls read it—whether they’re Black or white—they will find some pride in what God has given them.
biz
I agree and it’s one of the reasons why… your book stood out to me. Because not only is there a continued demand for books that represent a variety of people. [Laughs.] But I think this definitely what’s nice about this book is it is so beautiful about this journey for Qiana to get her braids and all of the history with it and the rhythm and… just the entire feel of the book. The pride really comes out.
chanda
I think this might be a good space to give a shoutout to my illustrator, who was—
biz
Chanda: —William J. Blaylock. Yeah! Biz: Oh, that’s what I wanted to ask next! Yes!
biz
That’s what I was gonna ask you next was about your illustrator!
chanda
Yeah. He is out of Jacksonville, Florida. And, y’know, I—we—it took us about a year to—really about a year to get the illustrations. Because I was very specific about how I wanted the illustrations to look.
biz
Good! [Laughs.]
chanda
I did not want to see… Like, I wanted to see Black girls with Black features, not white kids that were colored brown. Does that make sense?
biz
[Through laughter] Yeah!
biz
Biz: [Through laughter] Do you mean, like Barbies? Do you mean like—do you mean like Black Barbies? [Laughs.] Chanda: And a lot of times—exactly. [Laughs.] Exactly. So—
chanda
I mean, because I am in education and I’m actually on the corporate side of education. So being able to see the [inaudible] of it. I think that when you think about illustrators, being able to pull that out and say—and we would go back and forth a lot. And we did a lot of pictures over a couple of times because colorism was important to me. Um, characterization was important to me. And I wanted little girls—and I’ll give you a quick story. Um, I have a girlfriend who bought the book. And her—she was going to read along with her little girl, who’s two, and she said—oh my god. Parker was touching her hair the whole time saying, “Mommy! My hair!” And I said, “See? That’s what I want. Kids to be able to look at this book and say—they have some kinda—there’s some kind of relationship.” And I feel like that’s probably the reason why I was a struggling reader in elementary because there just were—when we grew up in the ‘70s, y’know, it was Dick and Jane. Honestly.
biz
Biz: Yeah, it was Dick and Jane at Albert Elementary School. That is exactly… yeah. Chanda: And, um—yeah! [Laughs.]
chanda
So I, um, the very first book that I was introduced to as an adult—I need you to understand this—as an adult, as an educator, as a first-year teacher—was Mufaro’s Beautiful Daughters. And that book really changed how I looked at books and how they should depict children of color. And I mean, it’s a beautiful story. It’s, uh, illustrated beautifully. And just—it was—it’s still one of my favorite books. Um, to present to children. And not just during Black History Month.
biz
That— [Laughs.] Eh, we could also sidetrack on months. But— [Laughs.]
chanda
Yes. [Laughs.]
biz
I just feel like, [frustrated yell]. Anyway. First, I just want to say, thank you so much for writing this book! This book is beautiful.
chanda
Thank you.
biz
I’m gonna make sure my libraries and schools know about it and we will—as always—encourage our listeners to do the exact same thing so that more and more books, uh, are out there for people to connect to! In different ways. I love books. Um… thank you so much for joining us today, Chanda.
chanda
Thank you for having me! I really appreciate this opportunity. I’m so excited. Like, [through laughter] I just feel like a kid in a candy store! [Laughs.]
biz
Well hopefully we will help get more people, uh, aware of the book and… yeah! I just… good job. Good job! I love it! So again, we’re gonna make sure that everybody is linked to where they can get a copy of the books. You can start by going to QianasBraids.com. Uh, we’ll have the link in the show notes. As well as we will link everybody up to Mufaro’s Beautiful Daughters, uh, that you were mentioning as another good book to check out. Thank you so much and—
biz
Biz: —for joining us! Chanda: Thank you!
biz
And good luck with your first book!
chanda
Thank you! I’m working on a second one. Qiana’s going to go to Africa next. [Biz cheers.] So I’m super excited about her month in Africa. Um, I think it’s a nice Part 2, considering her mother’s from West Africa. So I’ve never been to Africa. I am a traveler, but um, this was the year to go to Ghana. And, uh, y’know, everything got shut down. So I’ve been immersing myself in the West African culture so that I can really do a good story around her grandmother and this adventure in Africa with her grandmother.
biz
I… love it. I think that’s wonderful. Let us know when you’re ready for that one to come out and we’ll have you back on and talk about that adventure!
chanda
Okay! Thank you so much!
biz
Thank you.
music
“Telephone,” by “Awesome.” Down-tempo guitar and falsetto singing. Brainwaves send a message: Pick up the phone (When you, I call) Arm is moving now, no longer stone (When you, I call) Hand reaches out with a will of its own (When you, I call) [Music fades out.]
promo
Music: Inspiring music throughout. [The “testimonials” clip between different VOs. They are not talking to one another.] Speaker 1: I started listening to Oh No Ross and Carrie shortly after I broke my arm and the doctor had told me I’d never walk again. Speaker 2: I was allergic to water. Speaker 3: [Ashamed] Addicted to wheatgrass. Speaker 2: I knew it was time to make a change. [Music swells hopefully, to a dramatic crescendo] Speaker 4: There’s something about Oh No Ross and Carrie that you just can’t get anywhere else. Speaker 1: They’re thought-leaders, discoverers, founders. Speaker 2: Healers. Speaker 3: Luminaries. Speaker 5: Ross and Carrie don’t just report on fringe science, spirituality, and claims of the paranormal. They take part themselves. Speaker 6: They show up, so you don’t have to. Speaker 2: But you might find that you want to. [Music swells unbearably] Speaker 1: My arm is better. I can walk again. Speaker 3: [Choking up] Six months, no wheatgrass. Speaker 7: Just go to MaximumFun.org. Everyone: Thank you, Ross and Carrie! Carrie Poppy: [Hurriedly] Oh No Ross and Carrie is just a podcast. It doesn’t do anything. It’s just sounds you listen to in your ears. All these people are made up. Goodbye.
promo
Music: “War” by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong with lead vocals by Edwin Starr plays in the background. John Roderick: Friendly Fire is a podcast about war movies, but it’s so much more than that. Adam Pranica: It’s history! Speaker 1 (Film clip): Was just supposed to be another assignment. Ben Harrison: It’s comedy. Speaker 2 (Film clip): Under no circumstances are you to engage the enemy. Adam: It’s... cinema studies. Murdock (Rambo: First Blood Part II): That's a hell of a combination. John: So, subscribe and download Friendly Fire on your podcatcher of choice. Ben: Or at MaximumFun.org. Adam: And also, come see us at San Francisco Sketchfest on January 16th. Ben: You can get tickets at SFsketchfest.com. Speaker 3 (Film clip): [A strained whisper] Mission… accomplished. [Music fades out.]
biz
Well, there’s nothing that brings out my accent like talking to somebody from my hometown of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. That was so nice talking to Chanda. Guys? The book Qiana’s Braids—it’s beautiful. It is a wonderful book to add to your library. To make sure that your library is carrying it. To make sure that… your school has got copies of it. It is… what have we been talking about? One of the ways we can help instill change is to do it by supporting authors who are out there and books, uh, that show diversity in our own communities. So go [with exaggerated Southern accent] buy [usual voice] several copies of this book! And go give ‘em out! You know what I also like giving out? [Laughs.] Is time to listen to a mom have a breakdown.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, ladies! I’m calling with a rant. Slash breakdown. Um, I have a three-week-old. I’m a first time mom and I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. Uh, she just suddenly—we had to take her to the doctor for a cardiac ultrasound ‘cause she had a heart murmur. Uh, it’s fine, but it just was really stressful for her and she had to get anther ultrasound on her hips ‘cause she was breach. And… ever since then she just—she refuses to nap unless she’s on my body and she won’t accept a baby carrier. So I’ve literally been holding her pretty much 24/7 except for when she sleeps at night. And I just— [sigh]. I just don’t know how much longer I can do this! She screams the second she touches anything that’s not my arms or my chest and I just want [through tearful laughter] enough time to go get a drink or use the bathroom and I just… my husband only got a week off of work and he’s been gone for two weeks and I knew this would be hard but… this is so hard! [Sobs.] I’m sorry. I’m just so tired and I love her so much and it just hurts my heart to hear her cry but there’s nothing I can do without holding her and I just feel kind of trapped, y’know? I know it’ll get better and I just needed to talk to somebody about it. Thank you so much. I love your show. Bye.
biz
You are doing… such a good job. And I see you. I see you. [Laughs.] Really hard. I… I… completely understand where you are coming from. I wanna say first… you started off the rant by saying you’re a new mom and you don’t know what you’re doing and I just wanna stop you and say—it sounds like you know exactly, uh, what to do! You’re listening to your instincts. You… took your child in to get checked out with the heart murmur. That is… that, in itself? Is incredibly stressful? And emotionally exhausting. Okay? That just—right there. All alone. On its own. Is so much. And then you add on it—it just—just the fact that there is a baby in your house! Okay? Like, that— [Laughs.] That also is enough! On its own. And lastly, having a baby that… needs to be on you all the time… it is… its own experience. And… I—I really see you. I… this was my experience with Ellis. And I can remember, y’know, he never slept, like, especially during the day? For naps? He wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t holding him? And even then he wasn’t sleeping. He just wasn’t screaming. And I remember I just needed—and I was all alone. Uh, Stefan was at work and Katy Belle was at school and… I remember thinking—people—A, the neighbors are gonna think I’m doing some sort of horrible job. [Laughs.] And I remember another time finally just putting him down in the crib and coming to the other side of the door and, like… hysterically crying. Because he… was screaming! And I couldn’t fix it. That feeling is so overwhelming. And… just… the—that feeling of being trapped? It brought up even darker feelings for me of, like… where are your needs now? Compared to the needs of this child? And again—we have a culture that tells us it is supposed to feel incredibly natural for us to meet those needs. And that it is natural for our needs to not mean anything to us. And this is a really screwed-up narrative and it’s why we’re all losing our minds. ‘K? No. I don’t know how to help you—help the baby sleep without you. I had no luck at it. [Laughs.] Hence, listen to last week’s show. ‘K? But I do see you and the tired that you feel and the… isolation that you’re feeling and the—just emotional draining and self-identity being robbed from you… feeling? Those are all real. I see you. We all see you. You are not alone. You are doing… an absolutely amazing job.
biz
Guys? What did we learn this week? We learned that… the future is bright and shiny! At least in the minds of our children for the most part, which is pretty good. I think we also learned that six-year-olds, uh, have no desire to understand fiscal responsibility when it comes to how to achieve their dreams of being millionaires and living with their mother forever. [Laughs.] Let’s just let them keep dreaming. They’ve got their teen years for us to crush their spirit and hopes. Everybody? You’re doing an amazing job. Everything’s still completely upside-down. There’s so much uncertainty and I think we need to give ourselves credit for… the effects that can have on us? It’s just really hard. When we don’t know what the next step is going to be. Everybody is having to give a lot extra right now. Everybody has got a lot going on that we cannot see? But… we see you. We see… just the idea that there’s more going on. [Laughs.] Than what we all look like on the outside in a Zoom meeting. ‘K? You’re doing an amazing job. I would like to say thank you so much to Rebecca for making all of the different and weird efforts and learning recording and mikes and everything to do this. I had a really nice time talking with you and I actually hope you’ll come back so we can talk a little bit maybe about your experience, uh, as a stepmom! Theresa? Uh, you are doing an amazing job. I had such a nice time visiting with you last week on the show. Um… I… I miss you very much. But I continue to support you taking whatever time you need and we appreciate the community being so supportive. And I appreciate all the guests and guest cohosts and everybody who’s just been going along for the ride with us. So Theresa? You are doing a very good job. Also wanna say a big thank-you to Hannah, our producer, who is just… doing more than is being asked and we, uh, I really appreciate it. And I appreciate you, Hannah, being here every week with me. Um, you can never go anywhere ever again. [Laughs.] Everybody? You’ve got this! Even when you don’t. Okay? And I… will talk to you… next week! Bye!
music
“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics. _I got the lowdown momma blues_ Got the lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues The lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues Got the lowdown momma blues You know that’s right [Music fades somewhat, plays in background of dialogue.]
biz
We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Hannah Smith; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.
theresa
One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate. [Music continues for a while before fading out.]
speaker 2
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
Artist owned—
speaker 4
—Audience supported.
About the show
One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren’t all magical vessels!
Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing.
Call in your geniuses and fails: 206-350-9485. For booking and guest ideas, please email onebadmother@maximumfun.org. To keep up with One Bad Mother on social media, follow @onebadmothers on Twitter and Instagram.
Get in touch with the show
onebadmother@maximumfun.org
@OneBadMothers
@onebadmothers
How to listen
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