Transcript
biz ellis
Hi. I’m Biz.
theresa thorn
And I’m Theresa.
biz
Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.
music
“Summoning the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums. [Continues through dialogue.]
biz
This week on One Bad Mother, it’s the very special 13th-Ever Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rants! Also—summer!
biz
Wooooo! [Singing] Doo do do do dah! [Regular voice] Helloooo? Hellooo? Is anyone there? No. [Laughs.] Guys? Buckle up. It’s gonna be a weird one. Theresa… has all of my love right now. Y’know. This whole sheltering-in-place, change-up of routines, all of it—it is… it is not helpful. [Laughs.] It’s not helpful! And so… her focus right now is really on… her family. And… I… just—we are all sending you a collective safe distance hug and good job and we really, really see you, Theresa? Also! It’s Memorial Day. Or was just Memorial Day. And how do we celebrate Memorial Day on One Bad Mother—besides saying a huge thank-you to all of the people who have served in the military; all the different armed forces who serve now; and have served in the past. We thank you very much. That said, it is time for us to kick off summer with the 13th-Ever Genius Fail Spectacular, Plus Rants. Uh, summer! It’s close. It’s—in fact, ehh, three days away for us. Uh, three days left of school spread out over two weeks, which I’ve never quite understood? [Laughs.] The point of that? But we’re gonna trickle it out, guys! Sheltering-in-place, I will cling to however many days I can where there is a reason for a schedule. [Laughs.] And then… comes… the summer of going nowhere. I’m not looking forward to that? I mean, I don’t even mean, like—like—I don’t get to go on a trip. That’s fine. I’m fine not traveling with children. [Laughs.] I just wanna go… to… a museum! Or a park. Or… the beach. Or… I don’t know. A trail! A movie! A movie! Both of my children are at the age where I could take them both simultaneously to see a movie. Nope. None of that. That’s never happening again. [Laughs.] Poor Hannah is like—she’s just—I get to see Hannah during this recording? She’s, like, my silent partner. She’s basically, right now, my cats. This is how I talk to my cats? And now Hannah—Hannah is all of my cats that I’ve ever had. And, uh, she’s with me right now. Before we get into this, I do wanna say—again—even though this is a Genius Fail Spectacular, I do wanna take a moment to just say… thank you to all of our first responders. And to all of the essential workers. We see you. We see that summer’s coming. We see all that you’re juggling. We see the impossibleness of returning to work and there not being childcare or school. It is… really nuts. And… thank you for all that you’re doing. And for those of us that are still being told to shelter-in-place, thank you for doing so. And those of you who are out and about and wearing masks, we appreciate you, too. With that said—let’s settle in for something I really need— [Laughs.] Which is to listen to you guys on the 13th-Ever Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rants!
music
Celebratory orchestral music, such as one might hear at an awards show or prior to the start of a movie showing at the theatre.
biz
Geniuses.
clip
[Dramatic, swelling music in background.] Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius!
biz
Geniuses, Biz. [Laughs at length, then hums to self.] [Singing] I’m just here by myself! ‘Bout to listen—[regular voice] actually, what this is like is when I am listening to the calls that you—when I listen to all the calls from the hotline to, like, just listen? Sometimes I like to just listen to you guys. [Laughs.] Sometimes I can tell… when just—like, the moon is just right and everybody’s having a super shit day. Or everybody’s killing it. So I’m gonna share, uh, something I am doing that is genius, or that I think is genius. And that is—I haven’t left. [Laughs.] Just—I’m— [Laughs.] I’m still here? I don’t think that’s recognized enough. When—when we all just stick around but we really [through laughter] would like to not be here. I mean, like, even going out to get milk is stressful these days. Like, that’s not even—that’s not even, like—I’m going to take the trash out. Is like, that the new thing you can say? And then just keep wandering? I don’t know. But I’ve stayed. So I’m doing a fucking great job. Let’s listen to the type of job you guys are doing!
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] I am calling with a genius. I am a single mom. And… the kid’s dad takes them every-other weekend. Which normally—perfect! During the pandemic? While we are all stuck at home? Not so perfect. I have anxiety normally? [Laughs.] Uh, with the state of the world and having my children with me 24/7. Uh… that anxiety is not easily managed. But I’m doing it! The genius is—this is their dad’s weekend. And as soon as they left the house, I popped open a beer. And I am going to relax on the couch and ignore the piles of housework that I need to do. I’m gonna watch some shitty TV and drink my beer! And it’s going to be amazing. I am doing a really great job. And so are you. Thanks for the podcast! Bye.
biz
Brrrravo! To me, this is the perfect way to start off the Genius Fail Spectacular. This—you clearly fall into the camp of—I’m still here! [Through laughter] I didn’t go anywhere! You’re doing an amazing job? And I don’t think there’s anything more relaxing than shitty television. Way to take a moment for yourself when… all the voices tell you you should be doing more. You should, in fact, be doing less! Good job! Next?
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Okay. I think I have a genius? But it’s kind of a sad genius? With it being quarantine and everybody’s in the house, there is just… an infinite number of spills that is happening. Because my one-year-old sees my seven-year-old drinking with either just like a straw? And a regular cup? Or just a normal cup. So he doesn’t want to fuck with his sippy cup. He wants how everybody else drinks. So there’s just shit everywhere. There’s spilling of milk, water, juice, whatever. Everywhere. So the genius is is that I’ve just gotten out a bath towel in the morning—like one that you would wrap your body in—and that’s [through laughter] just the towel of the day. Because I have to clean up so many fucking spills. [Biz laughs.] But I’m not using up a ton of towels! I just have the designated one. So… that’s my genius. Y’all are doing a great job. Bye.
biz
I—I… think this is the next big green movement wave. I love this. I love— [Laughs.] Also—I also like that as you’re describing your older child and what they’re drinking from? Like, I just keep waiting for you to say—y’know, drinking like a person! Like an adult! Like a person drinks! Y’know, with a straw? Or cup? Where they pick it up and it just goes down their throat and it’s really, like, normal. [Laughs.] But like, toddlers just cannot do it. They— [Laughs.] You can’t drink like a person, little Timmy. I’m sorry. One day, maybe. But probably not, since we’re all learning from home now. Oh, well! I think you’re doing a very good job. That is some free-range teaching on how to use drinkware. You… are doing a great job.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hey, One Bad Mother! This is a genius. Um, we are all home. Quarantining. Uh, I’m a single mom with three kids ranging in age from eight to fifteen, and today I was trying to think of something for them to do and we also have like this huge extended family and all these great teachers who I’ve been trying to think of, y’know, ways to stay in touch with all of them. And I decided to offer my kids a dollar for every card they wrote to either a teacher or a family member! [Laughs.] And so my kids have been writing cards to their teachers; to family members; and all I have to do is put a stamp on them! So I think I am a genius because my kids are writing and they’re thinking of others and they’re learning about correspondence and our family members and teachers will be happy to get these letters and it’s not costing me very much financially and nothing at all mentally. So anyway, I hope you enjoy this and I also wanna tell you you’re doing a great job. Thank you! Bye.
biz
My goddd! You know I am always team “pay you for your services that you should be doing without being paid for your services.” [Laughs.] I love this idea! I think this is genius? I think you are doing an amazing job? And you are right. I guarantee you—all the people receiving those cards, that really means something to them? Oh, wow! I love that! I love it so much! I’m— [through laughter] I wish I hadn’t already shelled out all my loose change to my kids for more meaningless tasks that I’ve been—that I’ve been giving them. Oh, well!
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa. I’m a long-time listener, first-time caller for any genius. Um, and I just need geniuses in this coronavirus time. So… we tried to get our kids just an inexpensive basketball hoop because we’re trying to find more things for them to do outside ‘cause we live in a state that we don’t have that many months of nice weather. And every bike in this city and basketball hoop that is somewhat affordable for most of America? Are sold out. And so one day we were taking a walk around our amazing neighborhood, and there was a house for sale. And there was a portable basketball system sitting in their driveway. And I said to my husband, we should call the realtor and see if they’d be willing to sell that. And… we called and they called right back and we were able to get this great basketball hoop system for $125, which we wouldn’t be able to find anything else like that in a store for anything close to that. So… in the midst of all the stress and depression and everything that goes on in our household, uh, with young children, it was a huge genius and I take full credit for it because I’m the one that saw it— [Laughs.] And I’m the one that said we should try and get that. So. I’ll take any genius I can get, because there are fails upon fails. And many breakdowns. So thank you so much for being here and you’re all doing a great job! And for one moment, so was I!
biz
Yeah, you are! You need to go outside every time you are not feeling like a genius? And just… stare up at the shrine to your geniusness. That is… the basketball hoop! That is so smart! I am like… like, that’s like, apocalypse team smart in my opinion. Right? Like… look at what’s around you. Use your resources. Call it out. I… love this! This made me like yell. Out loud. When I was listening to calls. Like, [yelling] Whoa! That’s so good! [Regular voice] You are doing… a good job. Two points! That’s what you got! Two points! [Laughs.]
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi! I’m calling with a genius! I… was interrupted while toasting a bagel in the oven by a… barely-seven-month-old that woke up from her nap early. And of course it got burnt. And so my breakfast was ruined. Um… I thought about just… eating it like I normally would. All black and crunchy. But instead? I am going to make myself a new bagel. [Biz laughs.] I have other bagels. I’m going to toast another one. [Biz laughs.] And that’s going to be my treat today! Is to not have a gross breakfast. And I’ll throw the old one out for the birds so it won’t be wasteful. You’re all doing a great job. Bye.
biz
God. I love you so much. Today… a bagel. Tomorrow… [Laughs.] Treating yourself like a human being forever! I just like—what is wrong with us? [Laughs.] I just like… what… I know that bagel! I know what you’re talking about! It’s either the cold, shitty cup of coffee that you didn’t get to; or the cold oatmeal; or the soggy cereal or the burnt this the fried that the—yours fell on the floor. Everybody reaches in and eats yours. Whatever it is, like—yes! You get to have— [Laughs.] Another bagel. Maybe that’ll be a t-shirt. “Yeah. You can have a new bagel.” [Laughs.]
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hey, guys! I am calling with a genius. Uh, it is super nice outside today so of course my kids did not want to go outside. Um, but I really, really did and so I thought of something that would get them to go outside. I asked them if they wanted to do another Easter egg hunt, um, because we still have Easter eggs left over from Easter which was last weekend. Um, and now that they’ve been eating the candy we have empty ones. So I took a bag of empty ones, um, and I only put seven of them in there and I put a mini marshmallow in each of them and we went outside in this big field by our house where there was nobody, so we maintained social distancing. And I told them to close their eyes and I hid them really far away from each other? And they had to run around and find them and they had so much fun and they ran a ton and I got to be outside and when they found them they had fun eating the marshmallows and they closed them up and they wanted me to hide them again. So I hid them like five times. And they got exercise; I got sunshine; and I even turned it into like a math thing ‘cause we had seven eggs and whenever they would find them I would say what’s seven minus one? And they got super into it. And it was awesome. So. Easter eggs for the win! Um, thanks so much for your show. I really appreciate it. You guys are doing a great job. Bye.
biz
Madam, I look forward to your mom blog. [Laughs.] Like that is—that… is… gold. You did such a good job! I [through laughter] just—I’m with you. Any time I can be outside with my children while they are having a nice time, and it doesn’t really require me to do anything other than just enjoy… like… them having fun? That is a win. You just leveled up by adding a little math twist in there. Also, tiny marshmallows—those things aren’t gonna make all your teeth fall out! That’s good! No guilt there! This is a no-guilt day. You have nailed it, madam. This is awesome. And if you need me, I’ll be going into the garage to get out the Easter eggs. [Laughs.]
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hey, One Bad Mothers! I’m calling with a genius. It’s funny ‘cause I’ve—over the years I’ve been on your show three times for fails, so I’m really hoping for a genius this time. Um, so during this quarantine fun times, my three boys a few weeks ago discovered the wonder that is Starbucks hot chocolate? And now every single time we go out they’re like—we gotta go get our hot chocolate from Starbucks! And, y’know, that’s like fifteen bucks between the three of them. So I just… saved the—I almost threw ‘em out and I was like, oh my god! I can wash these cups; save the lids; make them hot chocolate at home; and… it’ll still feel like a special treat! ‘Cause it’s in Starbucks cups! Y’know, ‘cause that’s what makes it special! Anyways, you’re doing a great job. Love you!
biz
I love this. So much. I’m also ready to hear someone take it even further? And like… hide homemade hot chocolate in Starbucks cups in their—front of their car. And then go through the [through laughter] Starbucks line and like distract, distract, distract, and then just like pass ‘em back as if you just got them? Like, that’s—see—to me, that is the only way this would work? Which is why I’m constantly crying because that’s silly. Just hand them the damn cup! You’re doing a great job. I love this. This is—I think this is a whole episode on greener living. [Laughs.] While sheltering in place. [Laughs.]
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, One Bad Mother! I’m calling in with a genius. I am relaxing in a bubble bath because even though nights lately have been terrible with my three-year-old, because she doesn’t want me to leave, one night I suddenly said—hey! I’m gonna set the timer on my phone to six minutes. And when that alarm goes off, I’m gonna go! And she said okay. And now that’s what we do. And I stand there and I keep her company for six minutes, and then when that time is over I give her a hug and a kiss and I leave! And for some reason, that works. And I don’t know why. And I don’t really care. ‘Cause I’m relaxing with a glass of wine in the bath. So… I’m a genius. You guys are great. Thank you so much for the show. And, uh, you’re all doing a great job. Bye. [Biz laughs.]
biz
[Singing] I love this so much. [Regular voice] I—you’re right! I don’t know why that worked. I have no idea why. I think it’s ‘cause you’re a witch. You are doing an amazing job.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Okay. I think this is a genius. To be honest. Some people might consider this a fail? Because it means I gave up my principles? But I think it’s a genius because I think right now we gotta give up our principles and do what’s gonna work. So I just… spent my Saturday morning going for an over one-hour walk away from my family which I badly needed to do to go to our local small business toy store—it’s really not that local. It’s a one-hour walk away. And I bought $100 worth of Super Soakers. I hate gun play. I said I would never, never let my kids have a toy gun. I bought three. One of them? It’s a Zombie Attack Super Soaker. I don’t care! We’re gonna run around and shoot each other. With water. And it’s gonna be so great. And I’m so happy I did it and it’s a genius. You’re all doing a great job. Bye.
biz
Yes. I like that one even had zombies. You are right! It is fun. And? Technically it’s a Super Soaker? Uh, not a gun? So it’s a Super Soaker shaped like a gun? If it makes you feel any better—or just you want any camaraderie—Stefan ordered a bunch of Super Soakers—four Super Soakers—uh, and we’ve had them hidden in the house for a while and then on Sunday he filled them all up with water and hid them in the backyard. And then he said—everybody come outside to the front yard. And he said— [Laughs.] To the kids. And to me. I have hidden four Super Soakers in the backyard. When I say “go,” everyone has to run and find the Super Soaker. Whatever you get is the one that you get? And… and then it all begins. Right? It was like very, like, Hunger Games—like, he was like, “Go!” We were like [screams] like running. It was—it was a delight, guys. Good job with your Super Soaker! Good! Job! Alright. Let’s wrap up. On one last genius call!
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi! I am calling with a genius moment. And, um, I’m here, sheltered in place with my three-year-old and my one-year-old and that’s not super relevant except for that this is kind of a lame genius and I guess that’s the bar now. But my one-year-old was trying to touch the printer in a room that I have recently sort of childproofed, uh, for the kids. Obviously not childproof enough because there’s a printer in it. But, um… he was mad at me for [through laughter] not letting him touch the printer, um, and so I put a plastic stingray on my head and that distracted him enough that he stopped crying for a minute. But of course he’s crying again now because hey, it’s [through laughter] the pandemic so why not. Um, but anyway. It felt like a genius and who cares about me putting a plastic stingray on my head except for you guys? So thank you for taking my call and, um, thank you for telling me I’m doing a great job. I am! Thank you. Bye.
biz
[Laughs.] We do care! We care so much that you put a plastic stingray on your head. In a moment of, like… I—I know that moment. And I wanna say it’s like a moment of panic? It’s just like this weird moment where you’re like—I’m about to freak the fuck out! Oh! I’ll wear it on my head! It’s weird! It’s on my head! Yes. The bar is lower. Yes, children are crying because… pandemic. Also, another— [Laughs.] Another great t-shirt idea. Yes! Crying. Because of pandemic. You are doing an incredible job. All of you are doing an incredible job. And I am pleased to say… there are more genius calls on the hotlines these days than there are fails. But there are way more rants. [Laughs.] But hey! ‘Cause pandemic. We’ll be back! With failures.
music
“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds. [Music fades out.]
music
Laid-back acoustic guitar plays in the background.
biz
One Bad Mother is supported in part by Story Time Chess. I… love chess. And I’d like to imagine I’m great at chess. [Laughs.] I’m certainly better than my children! But I’m not so good at teaching my children. In comes Story Time Chess. Story Time Chess at Home—it’s a teach-it-yourself, digital lesson book that uses fun, engaging stories with interesting, diverse characters to make chess super accessible for kids as young as three! It’s taught in schools around the world and now—for the first time ever—anyone can use it at home, even if you don’t know how to play. Now this is very important to me—yes, I can access lessons online? But I get to teach my kids on a real board. They never even have to see a screen except to check out the fun illustrations, which also comes in a booklet! [Laughs.] So. For a limited time, One Bad Mother listeners can get 30% off their first monthly or annual payment by entering the code “badmother” at home.StoryTimeChess.com. Make the right move! Head to home.StoryTimeChess.com today and enter coupon code “badmother” at checkout. [Music finishes.]
biz
And we’re back! For the 13th-Ever Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rants!
music
Celebratory orchestral music, such as one might hear at an awards show or prior to the start of a movie showing at the theatre.
biz
Failures!
clip
[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.] Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL! [Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.] Biz: [Calmly] You suck!
biz
Fail myself, me. Y’know… nothing really puts the spotlight on a failure than saying it to yourself, out loud, into a microphone, in your bedroom. ‘Cause pandemic. This one—this is like—ugh, classic. This is a classic Biz fail, guys. Uh, this is—just a couple of days ago, I was making cappuccinos, y’know—as you know, I enjoy making the cappuccino. Ever since Ellis, I was like, I’m having a machine in this house. And… it’s— [Laughs.] But it’s old. So there’s lots of—like, I gotta grind beans which is fine. But I also have a frother ‘cause the frother thing like flew off it—I have lots of different things happening… at once. And at one point I had the ground beans for the first espresso and then I had to grind more beans, so, y’know, put the—shuffle over here; get the beans; shuffle back over; put them in there—and like, I’m also talking to the family? And I hear the grinder go off and I look down and I pick up the thing that holds the grounds and there’s nothing in it. And then I’m like, wait a second—I just picked this up from in front of me. I am not a grinder. And then I look over to the grinder— [Laughs.] Just—just like ground beans? There’s just—there’s just [inaudible] grounds everywhere? Just everywh—and when I hear—this shows you marriage. I was like, ah! Dammit! And Stefan goes—did you just pour water in the— [Laughs.] Did you just put water in the grinder again? Again! I was like, nope! Nope. I didn’t put water in the grinder this time. I just… did—I just didn’t do it right! I just didn’t do it right. And then I just used those grounds to make his espresso. [Laughs.] I can’t do anything with steps. [Laughs.] Alright. Let’s make me feel better by settling in and listening… to your fails.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Uh, hello. This is a fail from a couple weeks ago. Uh, so I have a 14-month-old and, uh, the deal I have with my wife is that normally, uh, most mornings? I will wake up with the kid when she wakes up and I will watch her for about two or three hours and then she’ll go down for her nap and then my wife gets to sleep in. Um, usually the kid sleeps through the night but occasionally she doesn’t so, y’know, maybe, y’know, once every couple weeks, uh, maybe a couple nights in a row if she gets up in the middle of the night my wife usually deals with that. So a couple weeks ago, uh, there’s this one night where around 4AM kid wakes up and my wife just starts crying. And I’m like, it’s okay. I’ll get this. That’s fine. And so I go over and I’m feeling pretty good and I don’t know what the middle-of-the-night routine is, if there even is one, but, y’know, we sang a few lullabies. I’m shushing her. I’m getting her back down. Things are great. Uh, she’s almost asleep and I start backing away slowly from the crib. She seems like she’s down. And I step on a sheet of bubble wrap. [Biz laughs.] Um, she was playing with it earlier that day and we just never cleaned it up. And so, uh, she woke up; my wife woke up; everyone was kinda panicked— [Biz laughs.] —and it took another 45 minutes to get her down. Uh, thanks. I love the show. You guys are doing a great job and keep it up!
biz
Oh. I… I love—love this. This… if—if this doesn’t get stolen and put in a sitcom on some show, sometime soon, I will be disappointed in the work we are all doing. That is… next level. You… that is—I—you are doing a horrible job trying to take care of your partner? And your child. And how dare you try and protect objects with bubble wrap. Tsk, tsk.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Uhhh, I’m calling with a fail. And it’s a fail that will keep on giving for… a long time to come. My five-year-old daughter haaates getting her hair washed. Which—haha, karma, I get it. You never stop with me as a child. I get it. It’s not funny. So, yeah. Uh… she hates it! And so tonight she was crying and fighting and fighting and fighting and finally, with tears in her eyes, she asked—but why do we have to wash our hair? And I said the first thing that came to mind, and it’s not even true. I said—because you can get bugs in your hair. If it’s not clean. ‘K. I had lice when I was younger, and I know that that’s not true and I know it’s triggering and I absolutely hate that assumption and stereotype. I don’t know where it came from. But my daughter is terrified—more than getting her hair washed, she’s terrified of bugs. So she immediately went and we washed her hair. Uh, didn’t stop all the questions, um, she then proceeded—during her bath; after her bath; for the two hours before her bed—her bedtime—she asked every question. How do I get bugs in my hair? What are the bugs called? Where do they come from? Can we get them out? Are there any in there now? Do you have them? Just constant. So this was… a fail-turned-genius ‘cause we did wash her hair—turned a big fail. For—this is going to be awful. Anyway. Love the show! Bye.
biz
Aw, man. Soooo many fails in there. The panic answer. Those are always good. Panic answers—always good. That’s always us at our most [through laughter] rational state saying the most reasonable, sane, fact-based things to our children. So… y’know. Yeah. Panic answering. Never good. Usually never true, and, uh, never rational. So yeah. Good—that’s bad. Also, I really liked how you were like—it’s not funny that she doesn’t like to wash her hair. You are right! I know exactly what you mean. Ellis does not like water on his head. He doesn’t have his hair washed a lot. But it’s not fucking funny. I want that kid to have his hair washed all the time. I—like—once a week, even! I would be happy. So—100%. I totally understand it. And, oh, yeah. Five-year-olds are full of questions. I am so, so, sorry. Good luck! [Laughs.]
caller
[Answering machine beeps.]
biz
Alright. Just gonna warn everybody—that the next fail… is definitely a… poop-related fail. Poop-related. Fail. You’ve been warned.
caller
Hello. This is a fail. Um, my 13-month-old has just started to go hide places so he’s got privacy to poop. He goes in the playhouse or he goes upstairs to big sister’s room. Um… and… today, he was, uh, struggling to eat at dinnertime. Um, saying he was all done. Kind of, y’know, throwing food. Um… and since he had only had one nap, I figured he was just tired and getting ready for bed and not wanting to eat. So I took him out and, uh, he started walking toward the stairs and climbing the stairs and I thought, okay, yeah. He wants a bath. He wants bed. He’s indicated this like this before. Um, and I took him up and put him in the bathtub. Um. Apparently he had been going up there and not wanting to be in his high chair because he had to poop and he wanted to go in his sister’s room for privacy. But instead he was put in the bath. Meanwhile, I had brought my dinner upstairs because he was so rough at dinner that I didn’t get to eat anything. So I’m sitting on the closed toilet eating my chicken and rice while he’s in the tub, and he starts looking to me for food, so I figured, oh, he is hungry! So I gave him a few pieces of chicken. Then a couple minutes later, I pick him up, uh, and notice that there’s poop logs floating behind him in the tub, so I immediately take him out. And he spits something out into my hand, and I thought it was chicken. I thought he spit out chicken. It was not chicken. It was poop. My son ate his poop because he saw it floating and thought it was chicken since I was feeding him chicken in the tub. So I failed by not letting him just go have privacy and poop and putting him in the bathtub when he had to poop. And then I failed by feeding him in the tub so that he thought that things in the tub are okay to eat. And… my 13-month-old ate poop today. In the tub. I’m doing a terrible job. And you guys are all doing an amazing job. Bye.
biz
I’m not gonna spend too much time on this one? Exc— [Laughs.] Except to say… you are not the first “my child ate poop” call that we’ve shared on a Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rants! In fact, it’s not even what some might consider the worst thing that has been spit out of a child’s mouth that we have played on this show. So… consider yourself part of a… storied group of individuals [through laughter] who have been in the same room at the same time that their child ate poop. You are doing—actually—a very good job. If not a gross job. [Laughs.]
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Theresa and Biz! I was calling for a fail moment. Uh, at the beginning of the pandemic, Pinterest suggested I do a rain stick and I thought that sounded like a really good idea to relieve some stress? So the first option was to do it with foil inside? But I found a really nice wrapping paper tube so I decided to make it with nails. So I made it by myself ‘cause my child’s really young and I covered it with, uh, construction paper and he really enjoyed it. And a week or so later, he was playing with it and it had turned horizontal and he stepped on it and luckily I was with him and realized there was nails inside and pushed him out of the way. He starts screaming ‘cause his mom just pushed him, and after consoling him for a while I realized there’s a little blood coming from his foot because I put nails in one of his toys. So… that was my fail. Fortunately, he has vaccines so he didn’t get tetanus and his foot is okay. But don’t try to make stuff from Pinterest. Thank you! Have a good day.
biz
[Laughs.] Yes. Yes. The real takeaway here is “do not trust Pinterest.” That is [through laughter] the true enemy right there. Okay. [Laughs.] I love you. I love that Pinterest was like—you should make a rain stick. And, uh, let me just say from experience—foil’s not a good option either if it’s not sealed really, really, really well? Nails—that’s a big jump. That’s a big jump. But the—everybody else can be forewarned. Uh, beans? Also work. [Laughs.] Less… less threatening than nails. You… you are doing a horrible job trying to make something relaxing? For yourself and your child. How dare you try to relax.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hello! This is a fail. As it is painfully obvious by the sound of a, uh, whiny toddler in the backseat. You’d think I would’ve learned by now… [child screams] and the crying that you’re hearing is him yelling for police cars because we started to hit some traffic and I thought that I would assuage, um, the frustration by saying—hey! Hey, baby, you know what we’re gonna see up there? We’re gonna see some police cars! He’s in a big, um, vehicle stage at the moment. Um, little did I know that these were just follow cars. They have now pulled off the highway. They are gone. Um, and traffic has picked back up and, y’know, is clearing up and that’s—that’s great theoretically, but now I have, uh, mommy has overpromised and underdelivered. So. Uh… I guess we’ll see how long the fixation lingers. So… okay. Good job, mom. Buh-bye.
biz
Wow. Why not promise him the moon, why don’t ya? Promising him police cars? How dare you? How dare you! [Laughs.] So—there really is nothing worse than being like, guess what?! This is a thing! Let’s—okay. That—you missed it. Like in our house it’s the like—oh, look! Uh, y’know, an eagle! Or oh look! It’s a tractor! Oh look! And everybody sees it but Ellis? And that— [Laughs.] That’s not good. I’ll just say that. That doesn’t produce positive results. Well, you’re doing a—a horrible job! Just… trying to… help your child in traffic! Wow! Oh well!
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hey, Biz and Theresa. I’m calling with a fail. Although I don’t know exactly if it’s my fail or not? But it’s a fail. I gave my baby a—one of those wub-a-nubs. If you’re not familiar with what a wub-a-nub is, it’s basically a stuffy attached to a soother. And this stuffy happens to be a duck. And so my four-and-a-half-year-old has taken to calling it the baby’s “sucky ducky”? Which would not be so bad on its own, except that she also just has decided to rhyme all of the words? And now she walks around the house saying “where is Buddy’s fucky sucky ducky?” And… I don’t know how to correct it without also telling her that “fucky” is a bad word. So here I am. Just trying to redirect it by calling it something else and praying that it doesn’t stick. Keep up the good work, guys. You’re doing a good job. I am not. Bye.
biz
Is “fucky” a bad word? “Fuck,” yes. “Fucky”? Maybe not. Maybe not. She’s a genius rhymer. You’ve got that going for you. That is a skill. Everything else—out the window. [Laughs.]
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa! Um, this is a fail. [Laughs.] I think it would probably be safe to say that as a general rule, it’s not a great idea to let a three-year-old play around with a sewing machine. But it wasn’t turned on [through laughter] in my defense. And I had all of my mask-making materials out on the table and I was sitting right there with him and I kind of figured—what’s the worst that could happen? Well, I had some pipe cleaners, um, to use for nose pieces and he was playing with those, which seemed pretty harmless. But then he started sticking them in the cracks of the sewing machine? And he managed to lodge a couple of them so far inside that I could not reach them. So then I had to basically completely take the machine apart in order to retrieve them! So… I’m doing a terrible job. Um, but fortunately, everything’s okay. [Laughs.] You guys are doing a great job. Bye.
biz
Oh boy! That story could’ve gone a lot of different directions. [Laughs.] On your fail scale— [Laughs.] That could’ve gone from “pipe cleaners in the sewing machine” to something—something much worse. As a person who sews, I’ve done many things to myself on the sewing machine that I am not proud of, and hurt. Wow. Well? There ya go! How dare you! Try and sit even quietly with your child. Even for a moment. And let them explore. Stop letting your children explore, everybody! Right this minute! Now. Let us… relax. And listen to… one last… failure.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi. This is a fail. Um, today I decided to take a shower and leave my almost-six-year-old unattended for just a few minutes while I took a shower. I figured they were old enough and responsible enough to watch TV while I did this. Um, anyway. After the shower I called them upstairs so I could get them—or I could help them get dressed and everything and my daughter’s hair looked a little bit different so I said to her, oh, did you put it back in a ponytail? And she goes, no! It’s short now! She had cut it. And it is very short. Um, except for the back. So it’s, um… kind of like a Joe Dirt moment? Um… and everything is closed, so we can’t go get it fixed. So, um, she’s just gonna have a mullet for a little bit. Anyway. Uh, thanks for the show. You guys are doing a great job.
biz
Yeah. COVID hair. Don’t care. That’s what that child is saying. Woooo! A little Joe Dirt in your house. A little mullet cut. How darling. [Laughs.] I’m… so sorry. First of all, yes. Your six-year-olds can watch a TV show [through laughter] while you take a shower. That is true. Where the fail is is that you thought you could just do anything. Right? I mean, it is just that like… that you thought you could have a shower for you. You had a shower, but there was no reward for doing it. So… yeah. How dare you? Take a shower. And how dare you have scissors in your house. For your children… to express themselves creatively with. Tsk, tsk. [Laughs.] You’re doing a horrible job. In fact, we’re all doing a horrible job. While trying to survive all of this sheltering-in-place. I will go back to the mom who said— [through laughter] “’Cause COVID.” [Laughs.] ‘Cause—'cause pandemic. ‘Cause we’re here. ‘Cause coronavirus. You’re all doing great and when we come back? We’re gonna wrap up… with a rant.
music
“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics. You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known. I love you, I love you. When I have a problem, I call you on the phone. I love you, I love you. [Music fades out.]
music
Up-tempo, cheerful, chiming background music.
biz
One Bad Mother is supported in part by Care.com. As the world’s largest online destination for finding and managing family care, Care.com helps millions of families find high-quality care for their children, ageing loved ones, home, and pets. There is… a lot on our plates, guys. If you need an extra hand so you can get to work? Care.com can help you find reliable sitters and nannies to help make workdays a little easiers. With tools and information to guide families through the hiring process—reviews, background checks—Care.com provides a platform for finding all kinds of family care services, from childcare to senior care; errands; housekeeping; and pet care. Care.com can even help with all your household employer obligations, including payroll and taxes with Care.com home pay. To save 30% off a Care.com premium membership, visit Care.com/badmother or use promo code “bad mother.”
promo
Janet Varney: Hey. I’m Janet Varney, host of The JV Club podcast. [School bell rings. The muffled sounds of talking in the hallway.] Janet: Ah, high school. Was it a time of adventure, romance, and discovery? Speaker 1: [Cheering.] Class of ’95! We did iiiit! Janet: Or— [Rain sound effect.] Janet: A time of angst, disappointment, and confusion? Speaker 2: We’re all tied together by four years of trauma, at this place, but enjoy adulthood, I guess! [A chorus of boos.] Janet: The truth is? It was both! Music: Bouncy music fades in. Janet: So, join me on The JV Club podcast, where I invite some great friends, like Kristen Bell, Angela Kinsey, Oscar Nunez, Neil Patrick Harris, Keegan-Michael Key, to talk about high school: the good, the bad, and everything in between. Speaker 3: My teenage mood swings are [voice dropping into something gruff and aggressive] gettin’ harder to manage! Janet: The JV Club. Find it on MaximumFun. [Music fades out.]
promo
[Three gavel bangs.] Music: Laid back music plays under the dialogue. Speaker 1: Judge John Hodgman won a Webby, in the Comedy Podcast category. After 10 years of production, Judge John Hodgman has finally won: the Susan Lucci of the Webbys. What is Judge John Hodgman? Speaker 2: Comedy writer and television personality, John Hodgman, settles disputes between friends, family, coworkers, partners, and more. Speaker 1: Is a machine gun a robot? Speaker 2: Should a grown adult tell his parents about his tattoos? Speaker 1: Should a family be compelled to wear matching outfits, on vacation? Speaker 2: Listen to Judge John Hodgman to find out the answers to these age-old disputes and more! Speaker 1: If you haven’t listened to Judge John Hodgman, now is a great time to start. Speaker 2: Judge John Hodgman is available on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get your podcasts. [Music fades out.] [Three gavel bangs.]
biz
Okay. We’re back. Guys? This has been an amazing Genius Fail Spectacular. And now it is time… for the Plus Rants. Let’s listen to a mom have a breakdown.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] This is, uh, what I’m assuming is the 475th rant that you’ve received of the day? By 9AM. God I just am—I’m really starting to lose it. I’ve been doing so well this last eight weeks, but we’ve been cooped up and I am just really starting to lose it. Um, from my sweet, precious, baby four-year-old—only child—who will not stop begging me to play with her. From the moment I’m not even awake in the morning until the moment she goes to bed. I love her to death, and I love to play with her, but there are things that have to be done in my life? That preclude playing with her. Including—going to the bathroom! And including—feeding the cats and dog. And if I cannot start and conclude those tasks? In the span of 16 seconds? She asks me again—mommy, will you play with me? And then another 15 seconds will lapse—mommy, will you play with me? Until I just can’t take it anymore! I just—oh my god I’m losing my mind! ‘Cause it—the worst part is just that… it makes me feel not just like… the worst parent to have to say no to these requests every 15 seconds, but also like a cumulatively worse and worse parent every single time I have to say no to these requests? Because I just—ahh. It’s such a simple request. I would love to play with you. There is nothing more I would love to do than play with you. But there are things that I have to fricking do! And I cannot just drop everything all the time and play! The same Barbie game! Again and again and again! That I’m constantly playing wrong. I don’t do it right, guys. I can’t play right. So that’s fun, too. Um, so yeah. I’m just… really having a breakdown right now. Um, and so—god. I just so appreciate you giving us this hotline so that I can call and rant. Thank you so much. Um, take care. Love you guys. Bye.
biz
First of all—you are doing… a very good job. Even… in, like, the most normal of times when we are not in a locked-down, shelter-in-place, can’t-go-anywhere, like, can’t-mix-it-up—that “play with me; play with me; play with me” is really hard. I mean, that is… like… four—it just sucks. It’s like, three- and four-year-olds and five-year-olds and— [Laughs.] I got a six-year-old, and that’s all I get, too. And… it’s aggravating because you don’t do it right. I am right there with you. You are not alone in the fact that you’re not playing correctly. And it— [Laughs.] It always makes me wanna say—you know what? I don’t wanna play with you if you’re gonna tell me that I am doing it wrong every time. Playing is about… like, sharing ideas. Right? But trust me—it would not come out sounding that rational when I have been in that situation. But like, I have—I have been in the situation where I have said—this is no fun. I’m not having a good time. Because you keep, y’know, yelling at me or telling me I’m doing it wrong. I’m just trying to play. I—y’know, I—I know that there are probably websites and books that have better language to use to say “no” to our kids when they’re like this? But none of that takes away the guilt? The feeling of guilt; the exhaustion of the question? Like, just being asked that over and over; it’s just like being poked all day? Or… y’know… having somebody sitting on you all day. It is—the constant interruption takes a toll. And… when you get to that place of—can’t I even have 15 seconds to feed the pets? Like… that—it’s [through laughter] so dehumanizing. It’s like so… like… stripping of yourself! Right? Like, it—it’s hard! I get it. Y’know what? I’ll be 100% honest—I don’t wanna play! [Through laughter] I have very specific ideas of what I like to do for play? Um, neither of those things are the things my kids liked to do at that age, and, y’know… I—my idea of fun—that would not be my idea of fun. That—y’know. And so I—it’s very kind of you to say that you would really like to play. But it’s alright if you also don’t wanna fucking play. Y’know. [Laughs.] My mother always tells this story of going to the pediatrician with my sister when she was about four years old. Three or four. And the doctor saying—well, is there anything else that you need to ask me? And mama— [Laughs.] Bursts into tears and say—I don’t wanna play Winnie the Pooh! [Through laughter] Sometimes I want to play something else! [Laughs.] So… y’know. I—I just wanna say… you’re not alone. That is an incredibly valid feeling. Uh, and… I am so—I see you. I see you. With that. You’re doing an amazing job. You really are. Let’s listen… to one other rant.
caller
[Answering machine beeps.] Hey, One Bad Mother! This is a rant. It’s Mother’s Day. And… I just dropped my husband off at the airport. And he’s gonna be gone for two weeks. And it’s gonna be just me and my toddler at home. For the next two weeks. And I’m feeling a lot of things. Mostly just grief. We just—I’m really, really sad that his job is forcing him to leave. Especially on Mother’s Day. And in the middle of a pandemic. [Sighs tearfully, then continues through tears.] And this is gonna be really hard. And I know I can do it—like I know it’s gonna work out. It’s gonna be okay. There are a lot of people who have it a lot worse than me today. But this still really sucks? And I’m just really sad. And I feel like I can’t talk about it to anyone. Because nobody wants to hear me cry on Mother’s Day. And I don’t wanna bring everyone else down. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or anything. Like… again, there are so many people that have it so much worse today. But that doesn’t change the fact that it sucks. [Deep breath.] And I don’t wanna do this! I don’t wanna do this next two weeks. My daughter is so sweet. And really such a good baby. But… she just… she’s a toddler! She’s walking! She’s climbing! She’s into everything! And my husband’s been working from home for the past six weeks so I’ve been really spoiled. And really used to him helping me out. And putting her to bed and letting me rest during the day. And I’m just… not gonna be that anymore. It’s just gonna be the two of us at home. Constantly. I’m just really sad. But I appreciate you guys having a space that I can call and let this out. Before I have to talk to people today. And hopefully I’ll hold it together. And… thank you. Okay. You guys are doing a great job. Bye.
biz
If there is one place… you can go… to cry on Mother’s Day—it is the One Bad Mother hotline. You are doing a really good job. I am going to preface this with what we always say, which is… we start from a place of assuming we understand that there are situations that are worse than ours. And there are situations that are better than ours. That is a given. And… it does not… mean… that you are not allowed… to have the feeling experiences that you are having. It—yeah. It fucking sucks. On Mother’s Day. [Laughs.] To have your partner have to travel and leave. Add that it’s a pandemic. I—like—yeah! Grief is the right word. For what you’re dealing with. It… that is really, really hard. You are right to feel sad. You are right to feel frustrated and angry. And you are right to feel scared! Those are really valid! And there is like… ahhh! [Laughs.] Having to be alone with your child? For the first time for two weeks? Uh… is… terrifying? It is scary. Yes. Yes! You are going to do great. You are going to be awesome. You even said it—you know that you have got this. Again—knowing that you have got this can live in the same place as… not wanting it to happen. I don’t wanna do this. I don’t wanna do this. Yeah. No. No, you don’t wanna do this. It’s okay. It is okay to not want to do it. We see you? You are doing… a great job. In fact, you are already halfway through this. [Laughs.] We are playing this… well after Mother’s Day. In fact, uh, you might already be done. By the time this airs. And… you are amazing! And you’re doing an amazing job! [Deep breath.] Well, guys? What did we learn on the 13th-Ever Genius Fail Spectacular Plus Rants? I think we learned what we always learn—we are killing it! We’re doing great things out there. Uh, helping ourselves to get through this. And that things that we deem as failures really aren’t. [Laughs.] They really—we’re probably not ruining our children’s lives. Okay? We’re—we’re okay. We’re all doing alright. And we’re all failing! So the idea that we are the only ones is… uh, moot. That is— [Laughs.] Just ignore that! That is not a fact. Uh, we also learned that this is hard and we’re all doing a really good job! Guys, you’re doing… such a good job. Okay? And we will talk to you next week. And Theresa? You are doing a very good job. Byeeee!
promo
“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics. I got the lowdown momma blues Got the the lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues The lowdown momma blues. Gots the lowdown momma blues Got the lowdown momma blues You know that’s right. [Music fades somewhat, plays in background of dialogue.]
biz
We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Hannah Smith; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.
theresa
One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate. [Music continues for a while before fading out.]
speaker 2
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
Artist owned—
speaker 4
—Audience supported.
About the show
One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren’t all magical vessels!
Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing.
Call in your geniuses and fails: 206-350-9485. For booking and guest ideas, please email onebadmother@maximumfun.org. To keep up with One Bad Mother on social media, follow @onebadmothers on Twitter and Instagram.
Get in touch with the show
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@OneBadMothers
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