TRANSCRIPT One Bad Mother Ep. 336: Stuck on Bandages

Biz and Theresa take turns RIPPING the bandage of trust off our children. Plus, Biz believes there are two types of people in the world and Theresa has frozee toezees!

Podcast: One Bad Mother

Episode number: 336

Transcript

biz ellis

This is Biz. I’m a part-time working mom with two full-blown kids.

theresa thorn

And I’m Theresa. I have a family business, two young kids, and a toddler.

biz

This is a show about life after giving life. Don’t listen with your kids, ‘cause there will be swears. This… is One Bad Mother.

music

“Summoning the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums. [Continues through dialogue.]

biz

This week on One Bad Mother—band-aids! Plus, Biz believes there are two types of people in the world, and Theresa has frozee toezees.

crosstalk

Biz and Theresa: Wooooo!

biz

[Singsong voice] Theresa! It’s a new decade and a new year!

theresa

It is!

biz

How are you?

crosstalk

Theresa: I’m freezing cold! I’m— Biz: [Laughs.] How’s your year been? How’s your year been?

theresa

It’s been— [Biz laughs.] Cold. Cold! I mentioned in the last show that our heater broke, and like—it really broke! Like, the—I didn’t realize what kind of effort this was going to be to— [Biz laughs.] They’re basically re—they’re installing a whole new heating and air system in our home. So—and—the earliest that they could come was today, so we’ve been—yeah. We’ve got, like, more space heaters over the last few days. I also mis-calendared the day they were going to come? So I thought they were going to come last Thursday? And had everyone ready at, like, 7 AM for the people to come and then they just didn’t come and then we called and then… I guess I got the date wrong? And I was like—more cold days of—?! It’s so cold! Like—I know we live in Southern California—

crosstalk

Theresa: —and it’s not— Biz: But it’s cold at night!

theresa

It’s not that bad? But like—it’s just not warm! Do you know what I mean? [Biz laughs.] Like, it’s not—and then, like, you’re moving the space heaters around the house? Like, you’re taking them with you into the next room and—you know what I mean? Like—and the kids keep like huddling right in front of the space heater? Which makes it so that the only person that gets warm is them? It’s just cold! So—and then today… I’ve got Grace back at school. Curtis is back at school, but Oscar has one more week of winter break, for whatever reason. That’s his [though laughter] school’s schedule. [Biz laughs.] So he’s—so we had the babysitter come today, but—which is great—but he can’t be at home because of the work they’re doing! Like, I was like, oh, they’re just gonna, like, install the heater! Like, that’s just like… an outside thing? Or—I don’t know! I just didn’t— [Biz laughs.] It’s crazy! Like, everything—the whole house is open. There’s like mats on all the floors. They’re up in the attic. They’re up on ladders in two different parts of the house. They’re pulling—they’re hauling stuff out ‘cause they’re like, expanding the air ducts or something?

crosstalk

Theresa: To make things more efficient? Biz: Yeah? No, those are words.

theresa

I don’t—I don’t know, but it’s crazy. We had to like— [Biz laughs.] —take the dogs to doggie daycare ‘cause they were—they were not able to be there. And then the babysitter didn’t have her car today, which is fine, but—so I had to take them to the library before [though laughter] coming here, just so they could not be—

crosstalk

Theresa: —in the house. Biz: Be there. Yeah.

theresa

And… I guess by Wednesday of this week, we will have central heat! Which will be…

crosstalk

Theresa: Make it all worthwhile. Biz: Nice.

biz

That’s nice.

theresa

In theory.

biz

Yes.

theresa

Yes!

biz

Wow.

theresa

Yes.

biz

That’s… cold.

theresa

Yeah!

biz

I am—and a shit-ton of work!

theresa

Totally.

biz

I am so sorry.

theresa

That’s okay!

biz

Eh.

theresa

That’s alright.

biz

Happy New Year!

theresa

Yeah, Happy New Year! How—

biz

Starting off strong! [Theresa laughs.] 

theresa

Right! [Biz laughs.] Starting off… nice and cold.

biz

Yep! [Laughs.]

crosstalk

Theresa: Just… cold. Biz: Minimal… [Laughs.]

theresa

Real cold.

biz

[Through laughter] Oh my god. I’m sorry.

theresa

How are you, Biz?

biz

I am alright. Our winter break is now over. It was long. I mean, no longer than anybody else’s winter break, but it felt long. Stefan was home for a lot of it. Which, again—that’s helpful! That’s good. It’s just that I’m still not going anywhere. I’m still home and there’re still all these people in the house. And like, it’s a lotta different energies, and… I mean, we did some fun things and that’s good. But I was—it was like, three days ago. I am texting with a friend to schedule yet another playdate. To try and fill the hours. And that friend says, “[Sighs.] I can’t believe school starts! Monday!”

theresa

Mm.

biz

And I was like—okay. [Laughs.] There are two types of people in the world. I would never have written—or have thought—of the first day of school as being something that, like, surprised me. I mean, there was definitely a tone of “how sad for our children,” uh… and for me. That—

theresa

Yeah! Like, oh, it’s gone by—

crosstalk

Theresa: —so fast! Yeah! How—where did it go? Where did this break— [Laughs.] Go? [Laughs.] Biz: It’s gone by so fast! How fast, that winter break. Where’d it go? Where did it go?

biz

And I—I can’t not say—I cannot fucking wait. For Monday. I—

theresa

I’ve been already counting the hours since, like, a week ago!

biz

Oh, yeah, since a week ago! Yeah. I—am very ready. And then I ran into, like, someone else who addressed it that way! And I thought—that is so odd. And then I ran into another friend who definitely said—oh my god, I can’t wait for Monday. And I was like, yayyyy! And I—so I just was like—that’s—I wonder what makes us diff— [breaks off, laughing.]

crosstalk

Theresa: Yeah! What is that? I know! I know. Biz: Different. What is that?

biz

Like, why… why… is it happening—I mean, and the—one of these people who was like I can’t believe Monday! How sad! Was going through a house move! Like… had a big life change happening! To me, that would just— [Theresa sighs.] —stoke the fires of wanting normalcy to return.

theresa

Yeah.

biz

I mean, I like my kids! And I like hanging out with ‘em! I don’t want—I want them to go back to school! [Laughs.]

theresa

Can I—can I—say something? About this? [Biz laughs.]

biz

I don’t know. [Theresa laughs.] Yes?

theresa

I—I’m just gonna say… some of this is us? Like, some of this is our personalities—

crosstalk

Biz: Of course. Theresa: That we need more alone time—

theresa

—and quiet time than some other people do.

biz

Yes.

theresa

That’s true.

biz

That is true.

theresa

That’s true!

biz

Let’s stop there. [Laughs.]

theresa

Okay.

biz

[Through laughter] No, I’m just kidding! Keep— [breaks off, laughing.]

theresa

Alright. Um… but… okay. My kids are not the most challenging kids on planet earth? But they are harder and more challenging to be around than some other kids!

biz

I—yes!

theresa

I’m just gonna say that. They’re—like, we try to focus on this show on, like, things that bring us together?

biz

Yeah!

theresa

But—there are differences.

biz

Yeah! There are! [Theresa laughs.] There are a lot of differences—

crosstalk

Biz: —out there! Theresa: All I’m saying. [Laughs.]

biz

Sometimes within your own house! There are differences!

theresa

Yes!

biz

I had some different moments— [Theresa laughs.] —towards the end of the week where I had to, like, text Theresa as I was just crying in my bed, working on a puzzle. Where I just was like—‘cause Ellis is—Ellis is Ellis. And there’re so many wonderful days. And then there are… really awful—as—as he is extreme in the expressing of unhappy emotions, he can be extreme in expressing the happy! The joy is extreme! And that’s nice. But like—right now, it was so bad. Like, it was so bad, the tantrum and the yelling and the screaming and the—“I hate”-ing and the “everything is ruined,” and it’s everybody’s fault. I was just like—is this—like, the voice in my head—there was a voice in my head that was yelling, “You are a good mother! This is not your fault! You are a good mother! This is not your fault!” Y’know? And—because that’s what it felt—I was like, ahhh! I know this is out of my control! I know—I’m doing—more than I should! And…yeah!

theresa

And not everybody is having to do that. Is my point.

crosstalk

Biz: Yeah! Yeah! Theresa: And I’m not saying—

theresa

And I know everybody has different challenges? In their family setups and in their lives. I’m not trying to say, like, oh, we have it so hard. Everybody else has it easy. Not at all! It’s just that that situation that you’re in? Is not a situation that universally all parents go through.

biz

Oh. Yeah. No.

theresa

That’s all I’m saying. And that is like—that’s real!

biz

Yeah! It’s sort of like, some kids don’t mind having band-aids ripped off of them, while other kids will never cover their sores, ever. Which I think ties in nicely to what we’re gonna talk about today: band-aids!

music

Banjo strums; cheerful banjo music continues through dialogue.

theresa

Please—take a moment to remember: If you’re friends of the hosts of One Bad Mother, you should assume that when we talk about other moms, we’re talking about you.

biz

If you are married to the host of One Bad Mother, we definitely are talking about you.

theresa

Nothing we say constitutes professional parenting advice.

biz

Biz and Theresa’s children are brilliant, lovely, and exceedingly extraordinary.

theresa

Nothing said on this podcast about them implies otherwise. [Banjo music fades out.]

biz

Band-aids! Theresa. What are they for? Covering sores. It’s a little rhyme! And I’ve grossed Theresa—Theresa really clearly doesn’t like the word that starts with an ‘s’— [Theresa laughs.]  —and rhymes with “roar.” What if it—what if I was saying… you soar like an eagle?

theresa

I’m fine with that.

biz

Okay.

theresa

Yeah.

biz

Band-aids are for covering up eagle soars. [Both laugh riotously.] Band-aids.

theresa

Yeah.

biz

I…

theresa

They’re for owies, Biz. And ouchies and boo-boos. [Laughs.]

biz

Ouchies, boo-boos—sometimes just for confidence. [Theresa laughs.]  Sometimes just for helping. Feeling special. Like a—like a “Good Job!” sticker that is good and then awful. I wanna start with band-aids pre­-kids. ‘K? Like, I had a box of band-aids. In—in my house! Just in case something happened. And we’re talking, like, y’know, little and like mini—we’re talking like—

crosstalk

Theresa: A few— Biz: A few—

biz

—like, three-inch band—we’re not talking, like, surgical band-aids. So… the… bandages—they’re—I mean, they’re not for massive things. Where none of us—we all have them in our house because we’re assuming small things might happen. A small cut while cooking. For me it’s usually like hangnails or something that just is awful. I never as an adult? Have a problem taking one out, putting on one, ‘cause it usually on my fingers and fingers go fast. Like the band-aid just—

crosstalk

Biz: —pops right off. Theresa: It comes off, yeah.

biz

Sweaty spot. I can’t remember the last time I had a band-aid like in a place other than my finger, like on my arm—

crosstalk

Biz: Well, no I guess I had blood drawn. Theresa: Nooo, like the flu shot!

biz

Flu shot and blood drawn. Those are horrible places for band-aids.

theresa

But the blood draw, they usually do like the cotton ball—

crosstalk

Theresa: —and the tape. Biz: They do the cotton ball, too.

biz

And for some reason there’s a lot more adhesive left with whatever that—the tape and the cotton ball. Anyhoo—digressing on band-aids already! Did you—have only good experiences with band-aids? Did the idea of it being ripped off—I mean, like, how did you get band-aids off as a child? What is your—

theresa

I mean, I generally—I don’t have, like, a distinct, like, specific memory? But I do generally remember, like, a time where it felt a little scary to take it off? And that I would try to do it in the bath. Because that didn’t hurt as much. But I do remember, like, a few times that like I was kinda cringing at the—at the anticipation of that feeling with it coming off.

biz

Yeah!

theresa

And then like at some point, I just realized—oh, like, it kind of hurts and pulls, but like this is okay. [Biz laughs.]

crosstalk

Theresa and Biz: I can do this.

theresa

Like, I guess as a teenager, maybe. [Biz laughs.]

biz

It’s like jumping into the pool. You’re either somebody who can just jump into the pool, or you gotta slowly go in the pool. You can either just rip the band-aid off or you have to take two weeks to get it off. Whichever. I don’t like being—the rip. I, too, would just let it, y’know, erode— [Laughs.] Until it fell off. Bathtub. That kind of action. When you had kids and there were suddenly cute band-aids in your house, and you ran out of normal band-aids—like, non-cute. Brown bandages. Versus My Little Pony or something. Did you replace—I’m gonna refer to them as “adult” bandages—or were you like, that’s too many bandages in the house. I’m just gonna keep—

crosstalk

Biz: —the kids’ bandages— Theresa: Just gonna use the kid ones.

biz

—and if I get hurt I’ll use them. So— [Laughs.] This is a very serious question.

theresa

Yeah. Very serious. So I— [Biz laughs.] I, at a certain point in my adult life, pretty much stopped using bandages—band-aids—bandages for myself. Because I realize that they don’t actually help anything heal almost ever? Like— [Biz laughs.] It’s almost—pretty much almost always better to just let it be out in the air and keep it clean?

biz

Science says different! [Laughs.]

theresa

Okay. Um—and so I don’t—I haven’t been really using them. So I haven’t replaced the plain bandages for myself, but I did recently buy a giant box of many sizes of band-aids in—in just the plain color, because— not for the reason that I wanted them, but just because we go through the cute ones? So fast! Because people want them more? And they play with them and they pull them out and somehow they just disappear and they’re gone and they come in a small box.

biz

Yeah!

theresa

Like, they come in those little boxes. And then I just have found myself, like, continuing to need to buy them! And they’re, like, $3.99 a box!

biz

It’s a lot!

theresa

And it just, like, kept happening! It was like multiple times a month. [Biz laughs.] And I was like, this is so stupid! So I just bought a giant box and now we just mainly use those when people are hurt.

biz

Yep! Hurties aren’t supposed to be fun. [Theresa laughs.] Not—the healing process is not supposed to be fun. Put that—no, but I do—I—that—I love the jumbo box with the multiple sizes? And I agree—there is some, like, weird draw for kids to, like… those band-aids that have—

crosstalk

Biz: —drawings and stuff on them? Theresa: Something on them. Yeah!

biz

Which is so fascinating ‘cause if they’re sticking them to themselves… do they care about taking them off? As opposed to when they really need a bandage and they wanna take it off? Because I mean the crux of this whole thing is… how to get band-aids off kids. And I shared last week on the Genius Fail Spectacular, about Ellis, flu shot, band-aid, and, like, recoiling in—in horror every time we—he wouldn’t even let us touch his arm. To even just see how loose it might be. And like, four days in, ya gotta get that fucking band-aid off. And it’s—it was really stuck on there! And… it—yeah! I—it—we went through ‘em—like a lotta gross ways to get it off, and it still—I mean, it like hung there for like a day or two. But his sheer terror—‘cause when he was a baby, I used to just be like, [high-pitched voice] funny funny face! Funny face! Funny—rip! Funny face! [Through laughter] And just like—and he was fine! Until he wasn’t. And now… y’know, Katy Belle’s old enough to just sort it out on her own. You’re—get the band-aid off. Right? And I just… I never thought to look up how to take a band-aid off? Until today. When I was preparing for the show. And I googled it. There are lots of hacks.

theresa

Hmm.

biz

And how-to’s. And wiki tips. On how to remove bandages. Which led me to my shitty, snitty, science response to you a second ago—because somebody was like, apparently one way is to avoid [though laughter] putting a band-aid on altogether! And like the doctor who was working on this was like, this sort-of falls into the same category as butter on a burn. Right? Like it’s—we’ve just had it forever. But a cut actually does benefit early on from coverage.

theresa

Hmm.

biz

Whatever. And so—we’re a science show, guys.

theresa

Can I—can I add to that, though?

biz

Yeah!

theresa

‘Cause—the other day— [Biz laughs.] I—I had Curtis at the doctor for something else, and he is like, a scab-picker?

crosstalk

Biz: [Makes disgusted noise.] Yeah. Theresa: Like—he—

theresa

And it’s really a problem right now? Because he will find, like, a small blemish on his face and he’ll pick at it. He’ll create something there, and then he’ll continue to pick that scab for like the longest time, until there’s a scar. So like he has a scar on his nose right now from this happening. And, um, the nurse was like—oh, maybe just use a band-aid, um, just to keep him from doing that! And I was like, yeah, but like mostly it’s on his face? And I just feel weird about putting a band-aid on his face. She’s like, yeah. And then I asked the doctor about it and she’s like, oh, don’t put a band-aid on there— [Biz laughs.] —‘Cause it’s just gonna create—she’s like—things are gonna get gross under there. She’s like, things are—there’s a lot more—she actually gave me anti—anti-bacterial—no. Antibiotic cream!

biz

Yeah! I love that stuff! Yeah!

theresa

Because she was like—with the—with him touching this with his fingers all the time, you’re gonna get bacteria in there. And if you have a band-aid, like, the moisture gets trapped in there and there’s more potential for infection. So she’s like, do not use a band-aid!

biz

Wow!

theresa

So it’s like—it’s really—I think there’s—

crosstalk

Theresa: Yes and no. Yes! You’re trying to keep it clean, is the point. Biz: Depends on the cut! Depends on the opening! Yeah.

biz

I love that. I asked for that antibacterial cream all the time. Because we go through tubs of it with like Katy Belle gets bitten by mosquitos? She’s the only one who, like, clearly has some sort of reaction to mosquitos. So her legs in the summer will just be welts ‘cause she’ll scratch ‘em, pick ‘em, it becomes a sore. And then like it becomes a sore. Not the flying eagle type. And so we just dab a little of that on there and it—man, it cleans that stuff up right away! I love that [though laughter] antibacterial cream!

theresa

I’m gonna try that. Yeah. ‘Cause he had the same thing with his legs and it was like—it was probably, like, November. And he was still like—the owies on my legs from the mosquito bites? From the summer? And I was like—this is weird, that I still—like— [Biz laughs.] —it’s not new mosquito bites. It’s just like… still…

biz

But the, like, desire to cover them in band-aids so they won’t scratch them is very logical!

theresa

Yes.

biz

My children don’t go through the cute band-aids very much because, y’know, they fucking hate band-aids. So—

theresa

Okay. ‘Cause they don’t want them to get ripped off.

biz

Yeah. But there was a period of time where we had Monk the Monkey. He is the size of, like, a two-year-old? Like, big, soft monkey thing? Really more of a—orangutan. I don’t know. We called him Monk the Monkey. And I came in one day and the kids had been playing doctor, and he was covered in band-aids. And if you think getting a band-aid off of Ellis is hard, getting band-aids off Monk the Monkey didn’t happen. It didn’t happen at all. Like, I could not peel them off, they were so adhered to the fur. And I had to, like, go in with like scissors!

theresa

That happened to us with a Cookie Monster stuffed animal several years ago.

crosstalk

Theresa: We never got the band-aid off! We just never took it off. Biz: Yeah, I—never get the—you have to cut it!

biz

And like, leave a bald spot! It’s—I mean, I was like, am I supposed to wash this? So actually I want us to get into, like, where—like, where do band-aids go? And like— [Theresa laughs.] —where have band-aids wound up? Because if kids are playing with band-aids—and they do—they are winding up places! And I do wanna say that when I—but just so anybody who is coming to us for facts—sorry—

crosstalk

Theresa: Yeah. As usual. Biz: Don’t.

biz

Note. But when I googled, apparently—again—water? Soaking with the water, like, the bathtub—I don’t know why I keep touching my arm for Theresa as if that’s the only place— [Theresa laughs.] —band-aids are? Especially hair-related band-aids—band-aids on the hair—the water. And then baby oil or olive oil. Like on a cotton swab—

crosstalk

Biz: —and then you just keep going until it slides off. Theresa: That makes sense. Yeah. Yes.

theresa

That makes sense.

biz

Lotion—no!

crosstalk

Theresa: Why? What does lotion do? Biz: Even though stay—

biz

Even though Stefan squirted lotion all over it. I was like, ugh. Lotion—not good. Lotion can get—

crosstalk

Theresa: Oh, because it absorbs in. Biz: It can make it in.

biz

Yeah. Get in and cause more disruption than good. But—use oil. And then I did see a video but didn’t click on it of somebody pointing a hair dryer at a? But I was like, wow, my kid hates noise. And so double horror for him. Double scarring [though laughter] event for Ellis if I were—

theresa

Just use it as a threat—if you don’t take it off, I’m pulling out the hair dryer!

biz

Just gonna put some hot air on it!

theresa

Just gonna turn on the vacuum—

crosstalk

Theresa: —the coffee grinder. [Laughs.] Biz: Yep, or— [Laughs.]

biz

What if I—what if I take a cat and just rub the cat on your band-aid? Will that take it off? What if I—uh—do a little incantation? Something like that?

theresa

Okay, but there are band-aids that don’t stick on very well!

crosstalk

Theresa: Which is, like, also its own problem! Biz: Yes! Usually though— [Laughs.]

theresa

Like, we had these band-aids that were like jungle animal band-aids or something? They just fall—I mean, they barely stick! And this is like a weird—like, you would think this would be, like, standard! Like—there would be a type of band-aid that just sticks the normal amount.

biz

Could be why band-aids have, like, a proprietary name on things! Because I know those jungle ones—

crosstalk

Biz: And they ain’t band-aid. They’re bandages! Yeah! [Laughs.] Theresa: They—they barely—they barely stay on!

theresa

Which—might be what you’re going for! ‘Cause if you only want it on for like a few hours to protect a cut right at the beginning when it has, like, the Neosporin on it or whatever and then it falls off—maybe that’s actually perfect! But that band-aid that you were talking about with Ellis— [Biz laughs.] —that he got when he got the flu shot. I’ve had a couple of those before and that’s like a whole other—

crosstalk

Biz: Industrial-strength. Theresa: —thing! It’s industrial!

theresa

And it’s—it’s like, why? Why would you ever want—unless you’re, like, recovering from surgery and you’re protecting a wound— [Biz laughs.] —that cannot be exposed— [Laughs.]

biz

I don’t like the word “wound.” [Laughs.]

theresa

Okay. [Laughs.]

biz

I also don’t like the word “moist,” but that’s okay. Go ahead! [Laughs.]

theresa

That’s a problem for a lot of people.

biz

Yeah, it is. No, I agree! The, like, ones at the doctor’s office are like—industrial-strength. I mean, they might as well be putting, like, surgical tape on you? They’re so strong. Because like, the—y’know. Darth Maul band-aids or the My Little Pony band-aids, they don’t, like, they fall off pretty fast. And I know that because I go to pools and—

crosstalk

Biz: —I will just—“what is that?” Theresa: And will see them floating in pools, yeah.

biz

And it’s a band-aid. They’re ju—

crosstalk

Biz: I think about people who— Theresa: Yum.

biz

—work at pools, especially like in the summer like when they go to clean the drains? How many fucking band-aids? Must be, like, pulled out of there? Yeah. The—the non-sticking band-aids definitely add to, like, band-aid debris. But I also wanna talk about— [Theresa laughs.] —‘cause I think kids treat band-aids like stickers!

crosstalk

Theresa: They do, yeah. Biz: I—‘cause I been to houses—

biz

—where, like, tables are covered in stickers and band-aids. Or like, bed—like, that footboard of a bed. Covered with band—and not because the kid peeled it off at night, stuck it there to be gross. They were decorating with the band-aids. I have found band-aids—yeah. They—they’re definitely on beds. On stuffed animals. On… like, the carpet. Right? Just—you know? Just where it—somebody just opened and stuck it. Yeah! I mean, Ellis used to love band-aids so much when he was a baby, like, it made him feel comfortable? Like I think we had it like on his fingers or something?

theresa

Uh-huh, and he liked to touch it—

crosstalk

Theresa: —or something? Biz: I guess, and it was like—

biz

He had to have this band-aid. I’m remembering this now. Because I’m remembering it… because… I would have to go into his room multiple times. Like, it was part—it became like a thing where he couldn’t go to sleep without the band-aid. And it’d be dark? And there’s a crazy thing that I swear was happening and I wasn’t—sleep deprivation. Opening the band-aid paper?

crosstalk

Biz: Sparks! Yeah! Lights up! It’s like a little light—ohhh! Right? Theresa: It lights up! It glows in the dark! Yes!

biz

It goes—boook!

theresa

It does!

crosstalk

Biz: Yeah! Okay. Good. Yeah! And I was like—whoaaa! [Laughs.] Can’t be on purpose. Can’t be! Yeah! But it is—everybody—in the middle of the dark—pull apart a band-aid thing and it lights up. Boop! The paper. Theresa: It does. I’ve seen that, too. I don’t know why—I don’t know if that’s like on purpose? Or—it’s just a weird thing about the glue or something? Yes. It lights up. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

biz

So—one—the paper that covers the band-aid, that never makes it to the trash can.

theresa

Oh, god! And the little pieces!

biz

Or the drawer will just be filled with it.

theresa

Even adults!—

crosstalk

Biz: Yeah! Oh, even adults! Me! It’s me! Yeah. Theresa: —cannot manage to get all of the band-aid trash—

theresa

—into the trash can the first time when they open a band-aid.

biz

It’s so light! So if you’re—

crosstalk

Biz: —tossing it— Theresa: So light!

biz

Like a seed from a tree—

theresa

It will never work.

biz

It doesn’t go—yeah.

theresa

You have to do each piece one at a time. [Biz laughs.] [Through laughter] Directly into the trash.

biz

He loves me—he loves me not! [Theresa laughs.] He loves me—he will always love me not! Um—‘cause there are four pieces to [though laughter] the band-aid. [Theresa laughs.] Okay.

theresa

Oh—

biz

Oh, yes!

theresa

I have one more thing that I thought of.

biz

Yeah!

theresa

Do you have, like… it—like, a way that you put on band-aids? Like, I feel like when I was a kid, I noticed how, like, my parents would just like put the band-aid on. And—but when I was at school, the nurse had this way of, like, putting it on without ever touching the band-aid.

crosstalk

Biz: Oh, yeah! You’re using the— Theresa: Like, do you—you’re using the—

theresa

—adhesive to like peel it off and put it directly on—

biz

Also, if you google “band-aid” removal, you will find a whole, uh, series of theories on—“See here! How to put a band-aid on correctly and it will never hurt coming off again!”

theresa

What?

biz

I—guys, I didn’t click on any of this.

theresa

Okay.

biz

[Laughs.] I just took titles and based facts on those.

theresa

Great. [Biz laughs.]

biz

That’s how you google, right? I am a “take everything off and put it on.”

theresa

Yeah.

biz

When I think about it. Yeah. It’s just like, I put my underwear on one leg at a time. Right? Like— [Laughs.] I do, y’know. Shirts—both arms. [Laughs.]

theresa

I figure as long as I’m not touching the—

crosstalk

Theresa: —pad that covers—the— Biz: Sore. Yeah. Oh!

theresa

Like… [Biz laughs.] Broken skin that that’s fine? Like if I touch the adhesive part?

biz

I just lick it and then stick it. [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.]

theresa

Just rub it on your butt and then stick it on.

biz

I just—I chew! If you’re lucky enough to have a band-aid fall off in front of you and—but you’re not anywhere. Like, that—then I wind up with, like, the gross band-aids in the purse? Or like, in the car? And I can never—

crosstalk

Biz: —somehow get them from that place? Theresa: That’s terrible. Yes.

biz

And it’ll be like—I’ll be out as an adult or like as an—as a self? And I’ll take out like my wallet and a band-aid’ll fall off of it? That’s fucking disgusting.

theresa

Yeah. That’s terrible.

biz

Or—where you just find one on you and it’s not yours! Like, it’s on your clothes and you’re like—that didn’t—that’s not supposed to be there. Band-aids in the wash? Also. And—in fact—I don’t even realize they went through the wash until, like, my kid is getting dressed and like I—like I find a band-aid in a drawer.

theresa

Over the break, I showed Grace that Curtis’s band-aid was hanging from her hair. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]

biz

Let’s wrap up on band-aids— [Theresa laughs.] —and trust issues. [Laughs.] Because I think band-aids fall squarely in a trust issue—

theresa

Okay.

biz

—between child and parent.

theresa

Yeah.

biz

Uh, or child and adult. Because—you get a band-aid ripped off of you by anyone, you don’t trust anyone—

crosstalk

Biz: —ever that—even your sweet, loving mother. Theresa: After that. Right. Yeah.

biz

Who would never hurt you.

crosstalk

Biz: In a million years. Theresa: ‘Cause you know a band-aid could be ripped off.

biz

‘Cause you know a band-aid could be ripped off. And that—I mean, it’s almost as if I had—joked, but it wasn’t a joke when I had offered Katy Belle like a buck to go rip Ellis’s band-aid off? ‘Cause it was just going on and on and on and then I told her no. But it is a great form of torture for, like, siblings, I think, to be like, “I’m gonna rip your band-aid off!” [Laughs.] I can think of eight million horrible things right now to do to a sibling. [Theresa laughs.] [Goofy voice] “Hello, Michelle? Do you wanna come spend the night?” [Theresa laughs.] “Sleep tight!” [Laughs.] Anyway. Um—but it’s like the—shoving your kid in the pool?

theresa

Yeah.

biz

If they’re—if they’re scared to swim? Right? Like—it’s—it is a 50/50 chance that you’re gonna walk away from that with your kid being glad you shoved them in the pool. And not ever holding on to that story for the rest of their lives. Band-aids… are the same. Because you are trying to convince them, one, it’s—faster is better. That’s a hard thing to convince somebody of. We all know slower is worse. Slower… is way worse. Would you like me to pull the hairs out of your arm—

crosstalk

Biz: —one at a time— Theresa: Very slowly. Yeah.

biz

Or do you just want them all out at once? [Laughs.] Right? Like—but logically, that doesn’t—I mean, I am 45 years old. On the precipice of turning 46. And I know that jumping in the pool is the fastest way to get in the pool and to get acclimated to cold water. I will still [nervous noise] eeee tip-toe, eeee ah! It’s up to the belly button! [High voice] This is awful! Oh God, it’s gonna touch a nipple! That’s the worst! [Theresa laughs.] Right? And like— [Laughs.] If I just went under, all would be fine!

theresa

Yeah.

biz

But I can’t be convinced of that. And I am sure this is what I have passed on to Ellis.

theresa

Were you pushed in the pool as a kid?

biz

I don’t fucking know.

crosstalk

Theresa: Oh, okay. Just checking. Biz: I have no memory.

biz

I… I guess… I wasn’t? [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] If I was, it wasn’t that scarring and I seem to have, like, emotionally adapted to band-aids coming off of my body? So… uh, I guess this could also fall into the camp of something we overthink to the point of ruining our own adult lives?

theresa

Yes.

biz

Yeah! [Singing] I am stuck on a band-aid and a band-aid’s stuck on me! [Laughs.]

music

“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds. [Music fades out.]

theresa

Music: Laid-back acoustic guitar plays in the background. One Bad Mother is supported in part by Magic Spoon!

biz

Remember? Breakfast cereal? Breakfast cereal was one of the best parts of being a kid! But as an adult? You realize that all your favorites were full of sugar and junk that you really shouldn’t eat. And now, breakfast is boring!

theresa

Magic Spoon is a new company that has recreated your favorite childhood cereals with more protein, less carbs, zero sugar, and nothing artificial!

biz

Magic Spoon comes in four delicious flavors—Cocoa, Fruity, Frosted, and Blueberry—that taste just like you remember!

theresa

It’s also gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, GMO-free, and keto-friendly.

biz

It’s free of all the things! [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] Go to MagicSpoon.com/badmother to get a variety pack and try it today. Use code BADMOTHER at checkout for free shipping. That’s MagicSpoon.com/badmother.

theresa

Hey, you know what it’s time for! This week’s genius and fails! This is the part of the show where we share our genius moment of the week, as well as our failures, and feel better about ourselves by hearing yours. You can share some of your own by calling 206-350-9485. That’s 206-350-9485.

biz

Genius fail time, Theresa. Genius me!

clip

[Dramatic, swelling music in background.] Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius!

theresa

Okay. Christmas tree geniuses. I… [Biz laughs.] —remembered this year to water my Christmas tree right away? Give it water right away. Which was a remedy for, uh, failures in past years. Which I think I’ve spoken about on the show. I watered the tree every day. I checked the tree’s water levels. And the tree [though laughter] did much better this year than it has in past years. And—just a little bonus—I—yesterday, which was Sunday and I was home with the kids—took down the tree! Put away all the ornaments. Put away the lights. Got the tree out in front so that it can get picked up on the right day for tree recycling. Got rid of all of the—like, it’s all done! It’s done. I did it! It was great. And now it’s done.

biz

Good job! As I said, Ellis—been in a mood! And lately, the mood, uh, surrounds having amazing days that are super fun where he’s doing all the stuff he wants to do, but then, like, one thing doesn’t happen during that day. Or he realizes there was one more thing and when we’re like, well, it’s the afternoon and now it’s time for this, total meltdown. The whole day is ruined.

theresa

Yeah!

biz

Everything is awful. And let me tell you—that pushes lotta buttons for me. I’m like, are you fucking shitting me? You have been fucking—[enraged voice] you live a charmed life! [Regular voice] You know what I mean? And like—anyhoo. Everything’s awful and he can’t calm down and he gets super upset and he—it just can’t come down. And it’s a lot. So… yesterday morning, after back-to-back three days of—of this happening any time in the day. The day can be ruined in the morning. The day can be ruined at night. I said—

theresa

And is it the worst day ever?

biz

Oh, and it’s the—

crosstalk

Biz: Not only is it the worst day ever—and—you wasted— Theresa: It’s the worst day. Did you ruin the day?

biz

You wasted my time watching that movie with me. You wasted my time playing.

theresa

[Whispering] Oh my god.

biz

Right? Where I’m like—are you shitting me?! Do you wanted to see wasted time? I will waste your time. Anyway. It’s an inner monologue.

theresa

I’m sorry. I’m just—I’m living the same thing. Literally the exact same thing—

crosstalk

Theresa: I’m living that. Yeah. Biz: So thankful. I am so thankful—

biz

—that your life [though laughter] is shit as well. Anyhoo, I said— [Theresa laughs.] —so yesterday he goes—we’d already done, like, two things that morning. And then he was like—oh, I’m gonna do—and I said—bleh—ahh! We’ve been having some problems—

theresa

Mmm!

biz

—with you not feeling the day has gone according to your plan. So let’s write out, right now, all things you expect to have happen today! And that way, we can help you stay on track. And your day won’t be ruined. [Theresa laughs.] And so— [Laughs.]

theresa

I love it!

biz

So we go through, y’know, sister-brother time. Y’know, playing with papa. Building time. Y’know. Like, Mario time. Like, whatever. And we stuck to it and… it was the best day of his life. Y’know. But like—if—that worked, I don’t wanna have to do that every day.

theresa

[Facetiously] Mm. You don’t?

biz

No. But like— [Theresa laughs.] —yesterday… he didn’t, like… cry. Scream. Yell. And completely—it’s so strange how you can simultaneously be drained of—of emotion while filled up with, like, emotion.

theresa

Yes.

biz

Like, it’s like the weird channeling thing is happening; all my good is going out and only bad is coming in. Anyhoo. So genius! I made a list! [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] [Biz laughs frequently as the caller recounts her genius moment.]

caller

[Answering machine beeps] Hey, ladies! I’m calling with a genius. It doesn’t happen very often, so this one’s really exciting. I’m a single mom and it’s so hard to do anything for myself, and I— [sighs]. I’ve needed a haircut so bad! And my son is about eight months old and I’m just try—y’know, it’s like, how do you—do you pay for childcare on your day off so you can go get a haircut? I dunno. I decided no, I’m not gonna do that. Can’t—I’m gonna spend that money on a haircut, not childcare. So I brought his walker with me to the hair place because him sitting in the stroller is just—it’s not cutting it anymore. He’s not entertained enough. So—I mean, I looked like a crazy person walking in there, uh, with a child in one arm and a walker in the other arm and a backpack and all the things. Y’know. All the—all the things you carry around. And, uh, they looked a little confused when I first walked in, but he played in his walker and had a great time with all the little, y’know, he can spin around and there’s toys on every side and, y’know, and then I brought like some puffs and stuff that I sprinkled around. And I just was like magic! And it worked out great. I washed my hair before I went so that, y’know, I could try and be in and out as quick as possible, but—y’know. So nobody massaged my head. But I did get my hair cut. So—whew! I am a genius. And so are you guys. Talk to you later!

theresa

Yeah!

biz

I love this!

crosstalk

Theresa: Why hasn’t that—been a thing? That’s great! Biz: Why hasn’t that—yeah! No.

biz

I 100% agree! That should be a thing all the time.

theresa

Absolutely.

biz

Yeah! Good job!

theresa

Really good job!

biz

I mean—good job!

theresa

Yeah!

biz

Yeah. You’re a fucking genius. Failures.

clip

[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.] Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL! [Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.] Biz: [Calmly] You suck!

biz

Fail me, Theresa!

theresa

So we needed a new thermometer. [Biz laughs.] And I somehow managed to order one that is, like, only in Celsius. [Long pause.] [Both Biz and Theresa burst into laughter.]

biz

That’s been, like, a thing!

theresa

I guess!

biz

Yeah!

theresa

I mean, I guess I could keep it and, like, start getting really good at that conversion?

crosstalk

Theresa: In my mind? Biz: Are you sure there’s not a button? [Laughs.]

theresa

I’m not sure. I’m not sure. But I don’t wanna open it? And try to figure that—like, it—nothing on the packaging suggests that there is a button? And so I don’t wanna open it and then— [Biz laughs.] —find that there isn’t a button and have to deal with that? So I guess I have to return it.

biz

Yeah.

theresa

Which is just…

biz

I’m so—

theresa

Y’know.

biz

Yeah.

crosstalk

Theresa: I don’t know why. I think I will. Biz: You’re not gonna return that shit. It’s gonna just sit. [Laughs.]

theresa

I know. But we need it! Everybody constantly has fevers right now!

biz

Ugh. I’m… very sorry.

theresa

Yeah. Thanks.

biz

Okay. In… the stockings. There were some fun things.

theresa

Okay.

biz

Little kits. Both kids got this, like… grow crystal llama and a crystal sloth. I didn’t know what they were. I don’t care. Sounded fun. It’s— [Sighs.] I—I have to be honest. I haven’t watched any of the process. Katy Belle started. The process. On a tray in her room.

theresa

Okay.

biz

On the floor.

theresa

Okay.

biz

That got kicked. Many green crystals—

theresa

Oh, no.

biz

—uh, flew onto the floor. I picked up the debris, uh, but there was still green staining. So I taught her how to blot and dab, blot and dab. It didn’t really come up. But a lot—I mean, some of it came up, but anyway. And then I just stopped thinking about it. And then, like, yesterday, I saw that the tray, like, still was in existence? And’s just garbage! I mean, it’s just covered in, like… goop. And like, powder. And… I was like, eh, should probably do something about that. Uh, but I didn’t. And then when I come out of my shower, and I’m all clean and feeling good, Katy Belle comes up to me and says, “I don’t know how it happened.” [Laughs.] “But we spilled the tray and there’s a really big stain, and I’ve been trying to get it up, but it’s not.” And I just said, “Okay. Did you throw all that stuff away?” “Oh, no!” [Laughs.] “Why would we throw it away?” So I just… I just walked in. It’s horrible. The stuff’s all still sitting on a tray. I just walked out. It’s just… is in my house.

theresa

Oh is—yeah.

crosstalk

Biz: Yeah! No, it’s still there! Theresa: It’s just there.

biz

It’s gonna spill at least one more time. Uh, and—

theresa

‘Cause—yeah.

biz

Yeah! And it—it’s not anything!

theresa

Right.

biz

There’s no reward because you can play with it or do anything. It’s like—"I’m gonna ruin your carpet in a box” project. And… there ya go!

crosstalk

Theresa: I’m so sorry. Biz: It’s so fucking gross. Ugh. [Biz laughs frequently as the caller recounts her fail moment of the week.]

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, One Bad Mother! I think this is a fail, although I’m not entirely sure where the fail occurred. Except that I guess it’s just a fail that I tried to leave my house with my child! I don’t know! Y’know? He just—he was cranky from the moment he woke up this morning, and… he wouldn’t let me change his diaper and he wouldn’t let me put clothes on him… so I agreed to let him wear his pajamas to school, which normally would be fine, except that they were footie pajamas and they had the little plastic bits on the bottom and then he was complaining that his shoes hurt, and I told him that that was gonna happen, but he still wouldn’t let me put socks and pants on. I offered multiple types of pajamas and it just wasn’t acceptable. And then he didn’t wanna leave the house. He didn’t wanna get in the car. And I tried all of my tricks. I tried to make it a game. I tried to make it a race. I bribed him. I… bartered with him. I… yelled at him. And none of it worked. And then after an enormously long time, I did finally get him into the car. And I was buckling him up and he pooped! In his diaper. So… I had to go back in the house and change him. And since he was wearing footie pajamas that meant I also had to take his snow boots and everything off, so that took a really long time. And then… of course. He didn’t wanna leave the house again. He didn’t wanna get in the car again. So more bribing and yelling later. We finally get to school. We’re both, like, an hour late! ‘Cause—that’s just how this morning went! So… that’s my fail. Tried to leave my house with my toddler. You’re all doing a great job! Thank you! Bye.

biz

Yeah.

theresa

Yeah.

biz

Yeah. You’re right.

theresa

It’s amazing that anyone—

biz

Say it! [Laughs.]

theresa

Any of us do anything! Ever.

biz

It is.

theresa

It is truly amazing.

biz

Yeah! It—it—it is… next-to-impossible to get—it’s like—every day is an escape room. Y’know? I gotta balance—and then—

crosstalk

Theresa: Problem-solving. Biz: —did you remember—

biz

And you gotta—well, maybe if I stand over here it’s gonna unlock something.

theresa

And this would’ve worked if I’d done it in this other order. So now I have to go back and try again.

biz

I should probably write down that that one order didn’t work at all— [Theresa laughs.] —so that I don’t repeat that 10 minutes from now when I’ve run out of ideas. You’re right.

theresa

Here’s another escape room.

crosstalk

Theresa: Now that you’ve gotten out of that escape room, there’s another escape room. Biz: Here’s another— [Laughs.] You got out!

biz

And this one’s waiting with poop in it. [Both laugh.] [Mellow music begins playing quietly in background.] Uh, yeah. No. You’re doing a horrible job trying to exist in the world as a person! Yeah! [Laughs.] We all agree! [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.]

music

“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics. You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known I love you, I love you When I have a problem, I call you on the phone I love you, I love you [Music fades out.]

theresa

Music: Jazzy piano music plays in background. One Bad Mother is supported in part by Grove.co. Healthy, plant-based, non-toxic cleaning products work—and the good ones are actually more enjoyable to use! But where do you start, and who do you trust? That’s where Grove Collaborative comes in.

biz

70% of people want to use natural products, but only 2% do. Why? ‘Cause it’s a rabbit hole, guys! [Both laugh.] Introducing: Grove Collaborative. Grove Collaborative delivers all-natural home, beauty, and personal care products directly to you. Join over half a million families who trust Grove Collaborative to make their homes happier and healthier—plus, shipping is fast and free on your first order. Guys? I am using Grove.co monthly. It has allowed me to change my laundry detergent. I’m using dryer balls now, guys! Plus, when they send you your box? They write a little note on the outside of it that says, [high voice] “Thank you, Biz!” [Laughs.]

theresa

For a limited time, when our listeners go to Grove.co/mother, you’ll get a free five-piece cleaning set from Mrs. Meyer and Grove—a $30 value. That’s Grove.co/mother. [Music ends.]

clip

Music: “War” by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong with lead vocals by Edwin Starr plays in the background. John Roderick: Friendly Fire is a podcast about war movies, but it’s so much more than that. Adam Pranica: It’s history! Speaker 1 (Film clip): Was just supposed to be another assignment. Ben Harrison: It’s comedy. Speaker 2 (Film clip): Under no circumstances are you to engage the enemy. Adam: It’s... cinema studies. Murdock (Rambo: First Blood Part II): That's a hell of a combination. John: So, subscribe and download Friendly Fire on your podcatcher of choice. Ben: Or at MaximumFun.org. Adam: And also, come see us at San Francisco Sketchfest on January 16th. Ben: You can get tickets at SFsketchfest.com. Speaker 3 (Film clip): [A strained whisper] Mission… accomplished. [Music fades out.]

clip

Music: Upbeat, cheerful music plays in the background. Allie Goertz: Hi, I'm Allie Goertz! Julia Prescott: And I'm Julia Prescott. And we host— Both:Round Springfield! Julia: Round Springfield is a new Simpsons podcast that is Simpsons-adjacent— Allie: Mm-hm. Julia: —um, in its topic. We talk to Simpsons writers, directors, voiceover actors, you name it, about non-Simpsons things that they've done. Because, surprise! They're all extremely talented. Allie: Absolutely. For example, David X. Cohen worked on The Simpsons, but then created a little show called Futurama! Julia: Mm-hm! Allie: That's our very first episode. Julia: Yeah! Allie: So tune in for stuff like that with Yeardly Smith, with Tim Long, with different writers and voice actors. It's gonna be so much fun, and we are every other week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts! [Music fades out.]

biz

Well, Theresa. No—no guest today. Our guests always offer us such insight into the world of parenting, or just being a person in the world. But I think the real lessons I learn are every week when I listen to a mom have a breakdown. But today? We’re gonna ring in the New Year with a dad having a breakdown.

caller

[Answering machine beeps.] Hey, Biz! Uh… and Theresa. This is a rant. Although I don’t expect it’ll get played. I don’t really know where to start. [Sighs.] I have a 16-month-old. She’s awesome. When she was about three months old, she fell—uh, this is last November—she fell, hit her head. The little thing had to be helivac’d to LA from Santa Barbara. Um… it was a big whole thing. She’s perfectly fine now. Super cool. [Laughs.] That was just this kickoff of a really shitty year and it should be an awesome year because—[getting choked up] she’s my wonderful baby and now she’s one-and-a-half, and… um… after that, my dog of 15 years had to die. Uh, he got old. He was 15. [Sighs.] And then my grandma, who basically raised me, died a little later after that. And uh… now my other dog, ugh. Who is much younger and this has gone on for a while—who the baby loves—um… got, uh, some cancer in her foot. We handled it. We had the limb amputated. She was gonna be a tripod dog. Um… [Sighs.] And that was, like, a month ago. [Sounding near tears] And now, um… we’re putting her down tomorrow. ‘Cause the cancer got in. Got past the leg, I guess. And uh—that’s it for her. So. [Sniffs.] And today is the first day that, uh, I got Mondays off now for the winter. And uh, my daughter and I had a great time at the zoo. And it was a really good day and now we gotta do this. [Sniffs.] Just been a shit year and I wish—I wish the next year will be better. Thank you for listening. You guys are doing a great job. So am I. So are we. Bye.

biz

Aww. I am… so… sorry. You are correct—it sounds like last year fucking sucked. [Laughs.]

theresa

Yeah.

biz

That’s… a lot. Again, uh, I’ve said it before—any one of those things? Is enough to really… have an impact on you emotionally and physically. We do not give ourselves enough credit that those sorts of events can feel like we’ve got it under control, and then two months later it, like… pops up and catches us off-guard, and… there’s a lot of grieving that you are going through? For all of these… losses. And… I think… y’know—we’re working on actually getting a grief expert to come in and talk with us, because I think—as parents, we don’t allow ourselves the full breadth of grieving! Because we… may have a partner that we’re trying to be strong for, or… we want to not show our kids or we wanna limit what they see or we’re trying to be strong, or—y’know. Maybe… y’know, society tells us we’re not supposed to be grieving. I mean, there’s a—

theresa

Or sometimes we’re just so busy parenting that we don’t have the space. To actually… go through those processes. We need to go through. Yeah.

biz

And… yeah! ‘Cause like we say—parenting doesn’t stop. It doesn’t stop. All that shit that we have to do every single day—on top of work, on top of everything—you don’t get the break. And… it sounds really… hard. And… you’re not alone. You… are doing really a remarkable job in the face of some really difficult events that have taken place in your life.

theresa

Yup. And you’re clearly not only doing a great job at parenting, but also at being a parent to your pets.

biz

Yeah. Exactly. That’s a—

theresa

You’re doing so much and giving so much love. To… to the ones you love. So good job.

biz

Yeah. Absolutely. And I’m—I’m with ya. Fuck last year.

theresa

Yeah! [Laughs.]

biz

We are moving forward. We are moving ever forward! [Laughs.] Marching into a good year! God—start it! [Theresa laughs.] We’re gonna do it! Ahh. This is the year of it being a better year! [Both laugh loudly.] Whatever that looks like to you! Theresa?

theresa

[Through laughter] Yes?

biz

Ugh. What did we learn today?

theresa

I’m gonna hold on to “This is the year of it being a better year.” [Biz laughs.] I’m gonna hold on to that now.

crosstalk

Biz: Tightly. Theresa: No, really.

biz

Yeah.

theresa

I’m holding on to that.

biz

I am too!

theresa

It’s so good.

biz

Thank you. It’s—I would love that!

theresa

Yeah!

biz

I’d love it!

theresa

I would too.

biz

I—and I—I would love it for everybody? I would, uh… love it for myself. [Laughs.] I would just… love it. We learned that… you get hurt. [Laughs.] Sometimes it helps to put a bandage on it.

theresa

Mm-hm.

biz

But sometimes it hurts to take that bandage off. So I guess what we’ve learned is that life is full of choices! [Both laugh.]

theresa

You know, we didn’t talk about the magic that—for some kids—band-aids have. Which is to make—like—

crosstalk

Theresa: Oscar is— Biz: That’s true.

theresa

Oscar is the kid who, like, if he gets a bump—like a bump! Just, like, a bruise or like something—a bump. You put a band-aid on it and he—his whole body relaxes. He’s like, okay. I’m—I’m handled. I’m okay.

biz

You are correct. We did not. And it is true—I think there is a window where the band-aid is the magic. That’s why we used to go through ‘em all the time! ‘Cause any little scratch needed a band-aid. And—yeah. I—fully agree, and I wonder if it’s just that when they are in that toddler, like, phase? There’s like a window where they’re just getting into so much stuff that the band-aids just fall off a lot easier? They don’t have a lot of body hair yet. Y’know? Like, it may just be… the prime time—

theresa

Maybe less anxiety, too?

biz

Less anxiety—they’re not aware of anxiety ‘til we start ripping those band-aids off? [Laughs.] Yeah! It might be a sign into the temperaments of who our children are!

theresa

Could be. [Biz laughs.]

biz

[Sighs.] We also learned that some of us really like our children going to school.

theresa

Yep! [Both laugh.]

biz

And we learned—I think, most importantly—we never know what’s going on with, uh, the people we run into. I know a lot of people have had rough years. Or are going through rough times right now, at this very moment? And yet we all have to go walk around acting like it’s alright. Everything’s good. Y’know.

theresa

I can talk to other adults and people! And be in the world!

biz

And not—‘cause I know no one wants to hear this. No one wants to hear that you got your kid to sleep? I can understand the anxiety that no one wants to hear that you’re having—like, your house is full of death. ‘K? Like, I—yeah! It’s not—we’re not supposed to talk about those things. And… I think right back to our call, our genius call last week, of the woman who… was asked about how many—are you gonna have any more kids? And she was like, I had a miscarriage. Right? And she was just like—

theresa

She said she had several miscarriages.

biz

She had several miscarriages! And she was just like, I’m just gonna put this out on the table. And I—y’know, I—everything should be out on the table, guys! 2020! The year we fill up the table with truth! [Theresa laughs.] [Laughs.] That could backfire. [Theresa laughs.] Guys? You are doing… a remarkable job.

theresa

You are!

biz

You’re like, what are we? Coupla weeks into 2020?

theresa

You’re already doing it!

biz

Already doing it! One foot in front of the other! Sometimes we’ll take about five steps back? But as long as we continue the motivation to move forward, that’s okay. Gonna be okay, guys. [Laughs.] Theresa?

theresa

Yes.

biz

You’re doing a really good job.

theresa

Thanks, Biz. So are you.

biz

Thank you. We will talk to you guys next week!

crosstalk

Biz and Theresa: Byeeee!

music

“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics. I got the lowdown momma blues Got the the lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues The lowdown momma blues. Gots the lowdown momma blues Got the lowdown momma blues You know that’s right. [Music fades somewhat, plays in background of dialogue.]

biz

We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Hannah Smith; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners.To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.

theresa

One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate. [Music continues for a while before fading out.]

speaker 1

MaximumFun.org.

speaker 2

Comedy and culture.

speaker 3

Artist owned—

speaker 4

—Audience supported.

About the show

One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis and Theresa Thorn about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren’t all magical vessels!

Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing.

Call in your geniuses and fails: 206-350-9485. For booking and guest ideas, please email onebadmother@maximumfun.org. To keep up with One Bad Mother on social media, follow @onebadmothers on Twitter and Instagram.

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