TRANSCRIPT One Bad Mother Episode 427: You Came Dressed As A Witch Too? Ugh! with Neil Katcher

00:00:00

Biz Ellis

Host

Hi, One Bad Mother listeners. It’s me—Biz! [Singing] Would ya like to meet ya neighbors? Yes, ya would! [Regular voice] Guys, the network that our show is on—MaxFun—is throwing a virtual block party from now until October 22^nd, and you are invited! Woo-hoo! During Block Party, MaxFun shows are releasing episodes that are especially welcoming to new audiences. Like this one that you are listening to right now. So if you have been encouraging a friend to try out our show, this is the perfect episode to share with them. It’s also a great time to check out shows you’ve been curious about, since they’re releasing episodes geared towards new audience members, too. Block Party also has games, recommendations, a volunteer event, and a limited-edition poster and more! Find out more about all that fun stuff at MaximumFun.org/blockparty. Tell your friends, and definitely keep an ear out for the One Bad Mother/Just the Zoo Of Us Block Party episode. Good to know!

00:01:05

Biz

Host

Hi. I’m Biz.

00:01:07

Theresa

Host

And I’m Theresa.

00:01:08

Biz

Host

Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.

00:01:26

Music

Music

“Summon the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums.

[Continues through dialogue.]

00:01:30

Biz

Host

This week on One Bad Mother—you came dressed as a witch, too? Ugh! We talk mortifying Halloweens with Neil Katcher of Mortified. Plus, Biz caught a Pokémon! 

00:01:43

Caller

Caller

[Deep breath.] Well, here it is. It’s a check-in.

[Biz laughs.] 

Sorry, I should’ve started that with a woo. Here ya go.

00:01:48

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz and caller: Wooo!

00:01:50

Caller

Caller

Biz, I am…

[Biz laughs.] 

Yeah. I know. We were all settled. We had everything going. The two-and-a-half-year-old was finally back in daycare. She has been there a whole week. Her first daycare experience. Thursday, when my child is supposed to start Grade One! So this was going to be the first week where I have both of my kids out of my hair for the entire day. For the entire week. And this has not happened since the pandemic started in March 2020. And guess what? After one whole fucking week of daycare—

[Biz laughs.] 

—we have a cold in the house. The two-and-a-half-year-old has her first cold in forever, and so she had to go get a COVID test today. And now we have to wait until she has no symptoms and a negative test to send her back. And we can’t send her sister to school until that happens, either. So now I’m stuck in—back at square one. Stuck with my kids at home again. Trying to work with no childcare. Because I got rid of all of our in-house childcare because we set up all these other childcare solutions. Ugh! So there it is. We’ve circled all the way back around. And now… now it just sucks again. Suck all over. Probably harder this time, but maybe I’m just… maybe I’m just empty and used to it now.

[Biz laughs.] 

But thanks for the show, guys. Take care. 

00:03:13

Biz

Host

Yeah. I—it’s—comes full circle. Like, that’s—it’s just… that’s it. You… it’s… you—you put it into words, I think what I’ve been trying to yell about for months now. That it’s not a return to normal, it’s just a carousel of “What if?” That’s what it is. A carousel of… “Don’t go counting your eggs in your basket!” It’s a carousel of vomit, maybe. Maybe that’s it. The constant carousel of, like… anxiety-inducing nausea. That sounds like a lot of fun. I’m really sorry. I know! Aahh! You send a kid to preschool and they come back—we all know they’re gonna come back with a cold. We all know it! We all know that’s normal. And if it was normal times—whatever the fuck that means—it would be like no big deal. You’d be like, “Eh, cold, whatever. Sniff, sniff. Back to school.” [Laughs.] Now it’s like, have to prove it’s not COVID. And then you have to deal with tests and getting schools to recognize that it’s just a normal sick kid. I love that we’re at a place now where we’re like, “Just take my normal sick kid.” Right? Like, “Fine. I’ll keep the COVID at home, but can you take my normal sick kid?” You’re doing a really good job. And… you’re not crying, so… that’s… I think that’s a win for where you are. And you’re also for sure not alone. We could literally do a show in which call after call is just people calling in with this very situation. Happening in some form. But you’re the lucky winner who got to be played on air. [Laughs.] So we could all commiserate with you. You are doing a good job. Speaking of doing a good job—it’s time for thank-you’s!

00:04:59

Music

Music

Heavy electric guitar and driving percussion overlaid with “Ohh, oh-oh, oh-oh” and “Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey-ey” lyrics.

00:05:14

Biz

Host

I want to thank… medical workers. My mama, who is out here now, just had to be in the hospital for a few days. And I was keenly aware of not only hurling thank-you’s left and right at people working in the hospital, but also just… really sitting in that place of… I have to sit here so I can focus on my mom and not focus on any concerns I might have about risks. And I have to trust that people are cleaning and, y’know… following COVID protocols and all of that. And it really—it really felt like they were. And sure, I was bummed out that I couldn’t spend the night and that I couldn’t come at like eight o’clock in the morning and that I had very limited windows of time, but I also understood that. And I just… thank you. And thank you to the volunteers who were there signing people in! If you’re letting visitors in. That was quite an undertaking I witnessed at the hospital where my mom was at. So she is fine. She is home. And all is well. And that is entirely due to the care of the people working in the hospital. From the people who checked her in to the ER to the doctors and nurses and RNs and the people who assist those people and I mean… really, I see you. Thank you. 

Thank you to everyone who gets vaccinated that can get vaccinated. That is why it was okay that my mom was in the hospital. [Laughs.] Because we happened to be in an area of California in which we have a really high vaccination rate. And that makes things a lot safer and easier. So thank you to everybody who continues to go out and get vaccinated or volunteer to vaccinate others or just to help stop the spread of disinformation. You’re wonderful. Thank you!

Teachers? I love you! I love you so much. I love all you teachers. Librarians, I love you. I love alllll the people who work in the travel industry that are keeping those spaces safe. I—it’s—everybody, you’re working so hard at keeping spaces safe and I see you and I appreciate you. And thank you, thank you, thank you. 

00:07:43

Biz

Host

Speaking of safe spaces, this is a safe space for me to tell you that there’s a 99.9% chance I’ll be a fucking mom witch again this year for Halloween. I know. You’re all like, “No, Biz! Say it isn’t so!” I’m gonna say it is so. Because once again, I have put very little—it’s like that moment where somebody says, “Your kids are gone for an hour! What are you gonna do?” “Duhhh… oahuhh.” Like, everything just goes blank. “What are ya gonna be for Halloween?” Blank. Just… completely void of ideas. I can’t think of anything. So again, more than likely, I’m gonna be witch. Which is a little disappointing. But Ellis knows what they wanna be, and they wanna be a Pokémon. Ellis would like to be a Mewtwo EX. These are just sounds that I am making. But they mean something to Ellis. [Laughs.] Who wants to be it for Halloween. It is… y’know, essentially a purple bodysuit with like a big wraparound tail that’s a slightly different color that reaches up in front of the crotch area. I—y’know, like, I’m… I’m like, we could go the hoodie route? I saw some really cute purple sweatpants and the hoodie and we could sew the stuff on—and he’s like, “Nope.” And I’m like, “I… have to spend another Halloween squeezing my children into weird bodysuits.” ‘Cause that’s what we had to do last year. But you know what? I’m not making anything until next weekend because I know how this goes. [Laughs.] There will be a change. There will be a change to what somebody wants to be for Halloween. And I will have spent too much time working on something just for it to not be worn. So there is that. So yeah. I’ve gotta come up with a weird—I personally think mortifying-looking costume—for Ellis to wear. And I’m just gonna be a sad mom witch. Again. So… I think that ties in nicely to what we’re gonna talk about today, which is mortifying Halloween moments with our good friend Neil Katcher of Mortified and the new kids’ podcast, Ooh You’re In Trouble.

00:10:08

Music

Music

Banjo strums; cheerful banjo music continues through dialogue.

00:10:09

Theresa

Host

Please—take a moment to remember: If you’re friends of the hosts of One Bad Mother, you should assume that when we talk about other moms, we’re talking about you.

00:10:16

Biz

Host

If you are married to the host of One Bad Mother, we definitely are talking about you.

00:10:20

Theresa

Host

Nothing we say constitutes professional parenting advice.

00:10:23

Biz

Host

Biz and Theresa’s children are brilliant, lovely, and exceedingly extraordinary.

00:10:26

Theresa

Host

Nothing said on this podcast about them implies otherwise.

[Banjo music fades out.] 

[Biz and Neil repeatedly affirm each other as they discuss the weekly topic.]

00:10:34

Biz

Host

This week, I am so excited to welcome back Neil Katcher, who is the co-creator of the legendary storytelling podcast Mortified and you may remember he was on this show recently where we talked to him about his new kids’ podcast, Ooh You’re In Trouble, which is now in season two, from Tracks and PRX. Welcome back, Neil!

00:10:58

Neil Katcher

Guest

Thanks for having me back!

00:11:00

Biz

Host

It’s so nice to have you back! And it hasn’t been that long, but just for fun—who lives in your house? [Laughs.] 

00:11:04

Neil

Guest

Oh, who lives in my house? 

00:11:06

Biz

Host

Anything change?

00:11:08

Neil

Guest

Yes, actually.

[Biz cheers.]

Probably since the last time—not a—we’re not pregnant or anything.

[Biz laughs.] 

I don’t remember if this was the case last time, but I do—it’s still my wife and my son, who’s now nine. And we have—and you might hear her—we have a puppy around the house. I don’t know if that was on the last time.

00:11:27

Biz

Host

I don’t remember!

00:11:28

Neil

Guest

Sadie is around somewhere.

00:11:30

Biz

Host

Her name’s Sadie? 

00:11:31

Neil

Guest

And she might—yeah. And she’s a little goldendoodle. And so if she—she might make some noise, ‘cause I’ve already established a very strong codependent relationship with her.

[Biz laughs.] 

And so there’s a highly likelihood that she will butt in at some point and you might even see her.

00:11:49

Biz

Host

Oh… the whole show will stop.

00:11:52

Neil

Guest

If you can all listen really closely at home, you will see her.

00:11:56

Biz

Host

Okay. If you— [Laughs.] That’s right. Oh, for sure. Alright. Well—Halloween! Everybody knows this is my favorite time of year. And I, y’know, when Neil—when you were here last time, we could’ve probably just kept talking. And now I’m glad that we took a break so that—

[Neil laughs.] 

—we could talk about Halloween. Because I love it. And I just feel like there’s so much that goes hand in hand with Halloween, childhood, and really embarrassing yourself. And/or experiencing a mortifying moment. So I’ll set up with this story. I wanna talk—I wanna start by talking about costumes when you were a kid. And we could go into what our kids wanna be. But for me, there was one year I was gonna go as Pat Benatar. ‘K? I was gonna be—

00:12:50

Neil

Guest

That’s awesome!

00:12:51

Biz

Host

Yes. I was gonna be Pat Benatar and I did not have, I guess, friends. ‘Cause there was on one going trick-or-treating with me. 

[Neil laughs.] 

But my sister and her friend—who were quote-unquote “too old to trick-or-treat”—were going to take me around and be my backup singers. Alright? So imagine—shiny—like, that shiny material. Some sort of shiny material like, y’know, off the shoulder—y’know, fabric that just—ya cut a giant hole in it so it was like off the shoulder. Like, over a leotard. Probably some leg warmers. And some sort of cool short spiky haircut. And every house I went to, they were like, “Peter Pan!” And I was like, “I’m Pat Benatar!” And it was—that was mortifying! That—

00:13:40

Neil

Guest

How old were you when you did this?

00:13:42

Biz

Host

32. [Laughs.] 

[Neil laughs.] 

00:13:46

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Biz: I don’t know. I had to have been like— [Laughs.] 

Neil: Well there’s probably other details that would make that situation mortifying. 

00:13:50

Biz

Host

I have to—I gotta think. It’s gotta be… so we were still in Tuscaloosa. We were still in that house. Like, I’m gonna say… I was probably… somewhere in that 9/10/11 window? So—but definitely—

00:14:09

Neil

Guest

I think that’s an awesome outfit and I think the fact that people didn’t get it is a bigger critique on the houses you were going to than on you. 

00:14:19

Biz

Host

Thank you. That’s very kind. 

00:14:21

Neil

Guest

I will say—

[Biz laughs.] 

—that I had a situation from when I was roughly the same age. That is definitely not a critique on my neighbors, but absolutely a critique on myself. Because it is really unfortunate, like, I was not great at Halloween costumes. This was not a strong suit of mine. My mom was actually an art teacher and so she actually did really good things with costumes for a bunch of years. Mostly for my sister.

[Biz laughs.] 

Who was older than me, where they would do things with cardboard and all sorts of things.

00:14:53

Biz

Host

Yeah. We’re tired as parents by the time the second kid rolls around. I’m like, “Uhh… you’re… toothpaste. Here’s some toothpaste. Go ahead.”

00:15:01

Neil

Guest

I also just think that for some reason, even as a kid—and my son is this way, too. As a—when he was really young, even to this day. Comfort’s such an important issue that it trumps any—

[Biz laughs.]

—creativity. It trumps everything. And for me it’s like the idea—even as a eight-year-old walking around in cardboard with holes in it? Sounds good for about three minutes and then I’d be like, “Where are my sweatpants? This is not working.”

[Biz laughs.] 

So… even now, you can see. Sweats. I’m wearing a sweatshirt.

00:15:35

Biz

Host

Yeah! I see you’re in your sweatshirt! Yeah.

00:15:36

Neil

Guest

Yeah. Yeah. Because it is so cold right now in L.A. 

[Biz laughs.] 

But—so when I was about nine years old—so I was roughly the same age as your amazing Pat Benatar outfit—which, trust me, this will not beat—so in my family, my mom and I were the ones who would watch comedy stuff that was probably more age-appropriate but things that my mom liked. But at the same time—

00:16:00

Biz

Host

Did you go as Jonathan Winters? 

00:16:02

Neil

Guest

Oh, that would’ve been—

[Biz laughs.] 

That would’ve been amazing! But if you go as Jonathan Winters, who do you go as? Because he does like eighty different voices.

00:16:10

Biz

Host

Yeah. That’s true. That’s true.

00:16:11

Neil

Guest

That would be a very manic costume.

00:16:13

Biz

Host

Yeah. True. Anyway. Go ahead. Sorry. I was just thinking age-appropriate.

[Neil laughs.] 

00:16:20

Neil

Guest

Well, no—so for me, age-appropriate at that point might’ve been, like, Pee-wee Herman. Or, like, y’know, I think I was probably into the Pink Panther movies. And that kind of stuff. But this was not that. Because I went as something comedically inspired with something that I watched with my dad. Now my dad had a different sense of humor. He—

00:16:42

Biz

Host

You’re killing me.

00:16:44

Neil

Guest

—either liked corny jokes—which is a good dad thing—or he was in a couple of men’s lodges? Even though he was like this very smart, very PC for his time period, biology teacher, like, y’know.

00:17:00

Biz

Host

I just assume men’s lodges are like actually cults? They’re—like, Peggy Sue Got Married, like they sometimes hang out but then they also can manifest time travel? 

00:17:13

Neil

Guest

I think you’re thinking more Freemason-type stuff? This—

[Biz laughs.] 

My dad was in the lodges that are a little bit more like Honeymooners lodges? Is that helpful? Like the moose—the big moose—

00:17:24

Biz

Host

Did he have a hat? Did he have really—

00:17:26

Neil

Guest

He did not have a hat. But they did have plaid sports coats. Which is something. So—but my dad had this sort of sense of humor that I think I associate with that world which was what I would call “traveling salesman” sense of humor? We even had all the Truly Tasteless books. Remember the Truly Tasteless jokebooks? 

00:17:44

Biz

Host

Oh, yes! [Laughs.] 

00:17:46

Neil

Guest

We had all of those. And so my dad and I did—the one comedy show we bonded over is a show that I’m almost afraid to tell you. What show it is.

00:17:55

Biz

Host

Is it Benny Hill?

00:17:57

Neil

Guest

Yes.

[Biz screams and laughs.]

00:17:59

Biz

Host

I’ve been sitting here, sitting on Benny Hill the entire time. I’ve been like, “Is it gonna be Benny Hill?” ‘Cause Benny Hill—if you guys don’t know—that was essentially like a weird soft porn comedy. Like… I wanna say a PBS show, but I’m pretty sure—

00:18:13

Neil

Guest

If Charlie Chaplin was a pervert, then that’s Benny Hill. Yeah.

00:18:18

Biz

Host

That’s what it is! [Laughs.] 

00:18:19

Neil

Guest

A lot of misdirection jokes, where like, “Oh, are those boobs? No, that’s a bald guy’s head.” And a lot of chasing around. A lot—

00:18:29

Biz

Host

A lot of bikini chases. [Sings ‘na na na’.] No, I watched a lot of Benny Hill. Alright. So who were you?

00:18:38

Neil

Guest

Well I was Benny Hill. So I’m a nine-year-old going around from house to house—

[Biz laughs.] 

—this adorable nine-year-old. I guess. Showing up, going house to house in third grade. And people would be like, “Ooh, who are you? Are you like a hobo?” or whatever. Can you say “hobo” anymore, either? I don’t even know.

00:18:59

Biz

Host

I don’t know. 

00:19:01

Neil

Guest

But it actually sounds—yeah. Anyways. Hobo almost sounds like a chic word now. But yeah. They would say—I’d say, “No, I’m not.”

00:19:09

Biz

Host

Oh, why don’t we say “tramp”? Why don’t we say “tramp”?

00:19:11

Neil

Guest

Tramp. Okay. I—they’d ask if I was a tramp. Which actually also has—no, see, that doesn’t work, either. [Laughs.] 

00:19:18

Biz

Host

That doesn’t work. [Laughs.] 

00:19:20

Neil

Guest

Let’s just say I was—

00:19:21

Biz

Host

Did you just—did they say, “Are you lost?” [Laughs.] 

[Neil laughs.] 

00:19:24

Neil

Guest

Yeah. And I would say, “No, I’m Benny Hill.” And then—indignantly, by the way. Indignantly. Like, really upset that they were getting this wrong, similar to you. And they would look at me like, “What is wrong with him? What is wrong with his parents? How are they letting this nine-year-old, A, watch Benny Hill. B, go around to every house and announce that in their house, family viewing hour is the Benny Hill Show.” [Laughs.] 

[Biz laughs.] 

00:19:58

Biz

Host

I… didn’t know until this moment that I have wanted to hear a story just like that. That somebody dressed up…

[Neil laughs.] 

—as Benny Hill in—oh, the days of long-ago! When perversion was just something we all looked back on and laughed. [Laughs.] [Scats.] I actually think that’s—I think that’s remarkable. And I would’ve been indignant, too. And the big difference between then and now is now I still don’t think people would’ve said “What’s wrong with you.” Now we like to jump right to, “What’s wrong with his parents?” Right? That’s the new—the new way to do it. Well I think that’s… impressive. Did you ever have any other… like, I remember my—one of our favorite family stories is my sister and this doll dress with a doll. And she went up to—she and Mary-Jo Belk were out trick-or-treating in the neighborhood. And they go up to this house that is a very big hill, and as they come back down she trips and slides down the hill. And in doing so, slides right through dog shit. And we have only just started the rounds. ‘K? She and Mary-Jo Belk and my mother—

[Neil laughs.] 

—have just started the rounds of the neighborhood. And Helen Michelle—speaking of indignant!—this seems to be a theme!—was like, “Uh-uh. I have put too much effort into this costume. I am going.” I’m sure I’m gonna be corrected on this story by my sister at some point in time. But for me, as the younger sibling, I just remember Helen Michelle walked around with dogshit on her and reveled in it. Right? ‘Cause I—

00:21:47

Neil

Guest

That’s pretty—that’s brave. Because that doesn’t smell good. And when you think of Halloween, the thing you think—I think one of the high-value targets are little chocolate bars.

00:22:00

Biz

Host

Tootsie Rolls!

00:22:02

Neil

Guest

Hm, even more accurate. You don’t wanna be wanting chocolate from house to house and smelling like poop. It just takes the whole thing out of it.

00:22:13

Biz

Host

It will definitely cause an association. It’s like the time that I sat in a hot tub and drank orange juice and vodka and that is a bad idea. And I was also definitely underage on some beach trip. And definitely was like, “Wow.” Hot… being hot, sweaty, drinking shitty vodka and orange juice? Just made me forever—the smell of, like—I still won’t drink that. I still can’t drink it. Still can’t drink it. But I can eat Tootsie Rolls.

00:22:43

Neil

Guest

But I mean, I will just say that that’s brave on two different levels. That story. One is, well, you’ve got the whole thing of everybody in that moment going, “Does somebody smell shit?” And just constantly doing it. That’s one problem. The second problem is, how old were you? 

00:22:59

Biz 

Host

Oh, this wasn’t me. It was my sister.

00:23:01

Neil 

Guest

No, I know. But how old?

00:23:02

Biz 

Host

She was probably… I’m gonna say, like, eight, nine. ‘Cause if I wasn’t out with them? Yeah.

00:23:08

Neil 

Guest

That is a bad age to be doing that. Because that’s the kind of stuff that follows you around.

00:23:13

Biz 

Host

Oh, follows you forever.

00:23:16

Neil 

Guest

Not just on the trick-or-treating trail, but for the next several years. She could become “the shit girl” for years.

00:23:22

Biz 

Host

I know. Strawberry—she was a baby doll. Strawberry Shitcake? That would be one?

00:23:26

Neil 

Guest

Sure. I—uh—

00:23:28

Biz 

Host

You could do that. What’s another doll? Betsy Wetsy. 

00:23:31

Neil 

Guest

Well there’s the short—Strawberry Shortcake—what’s the other one? The—Holly Hobby? I don’t know what Holly Hobby would’ve been.

00:23:38

Biz 

Host

Well you could do the Apple Dumpling Gang.

[Neil laughs.] 

Thank you.

00:23:44

Neil 

Guest

What’s the Smurfette joke you would do? The pun?

00:23:46

Biz 

Host

Oh, you could do… I feel like I’m being quizzed. Let’s see.

00:23:49

Neil 

Guest

Turdette? 

00:23:51

Biz 

Host

Turdette! Turdette’s pretty good. “Papa Turd! Papa Turd!”

00:23:54

Neil 

Guest

Oh, “Papa Turd” is perfect! ‘Cause it’s got double—it’s got a lot going on in it.

[Biz laughs.] 

00:24:00

Biz 

Host

Oh, I know! You really sit in it. Oh!

[Neil laughs.] 

We could really sit in it. Alright.

00:24:04

Neil 

Guest

So I actually have some questions. Based on this. Because of my own un-PC years of dressing up.

00:24:13

Biz 

Host

Sure! We all—everybody’s—

00:24:15

Neil 

Guest

Well it still happen—like, I feel like we’re much more aware of, like, things nowadays. But there’s been some—the last couple years of costumes for Henry have been really interesting? Because it’s brought up some conversations. And I think that—

[Biz laughs.] 

—I think this year I’m actually proud of it this year? But it did—Henry—Henry was the one who brought up questions about it. So he was very excited to get a Black Panther costume. Super excited. And then something happened with him talking with his friends where he came home and he was like, “I don’t know if I can wear the Black Panther costume!”

00:24:52

Biz 

Host

Ooooh! There is that moment where your kid starts to have the conversation without you? Which I think actually is a really great moment. Yeah! That’s—yeah! No! I don’t think I like any of my reactions to this story. Uh— [Laughs.] 

00:25:08

Neil 

Guest

Well I mean, I think for—so I was like, “Oh, wait, is that okay?” I actually had a minute where I had to consider this. It’s not cultural appropriation if it’s a Marvel movie. Right? Like—

00:25:21

Biz 

Host

Well, right. But—

00:25:23

Neil 

Guest

And—and—and! The part where I came down was like, “This is okay—not okay, but actually really good!” Is that I want him to have heroes that are from—that represent all walks of—like, all ethnicities and all sexualities and genders. So for me it’s like, “Do it!” That’s great! I want—I want Black Panther to be your hero!

00:25:45

Biz 

Host

Yes! Well, yes. I fucking love Black Panther. But you wouldn’t—the difference between then and now is wearing the Black Panther costume is not going to be—like… twenty years ago, or longer ago, it would’ve been, “Here’s your Black Panther costume. Now we’re going to paint your face black as well.” 

00:26:10

Neil 

Guest

Exactly.

00:26:11

Biz 

Host

Right? Like, that’s—that’s the moment. That’s the line where you’re like, “Oh. I would never even consider—being Black Panther is fine.” [Laughs.] ‘Cause it is a superhero. Being Black Panther in Blackface is not fine. There ya go. Alright. We’ve come to it.

00:26:29

Neil 

Guest

Well that seems very stark. I feel like there must be something in-between those two options. [Laughs.] 

[Biz laughs.] 

00:26:35

Biz 

Host

Nope! 

00:26:36

Neil 

Guest

No? Okay. Okay. So then last year, though was—

00:26:40

Biz 

Host

What’s the history of the costume?

00:26:42

Neil 

Guest

Henry didn’t have an issue with last year, but I ended up having questions that remain unresolved to this day. Which is—he decided to go as a ninja. Now… but not a specific—

00:26:53

Biz 

Host

Like Lego Ninja?

00:26:56

Neil 

Guest

Not a specific ninja. Just a ninja. See, if it was a more specific ninja, where it’s Ninjago or—I don’t know. Or something. Then I’d be like—‘cause I don’t think there was a specific character that he could find or whatever? So—or maybe it was like a ninja costume but for some character he doesn’t know? But he just really liked the ninja costume. So it was one of those things where they came home with it—my wife and—they went shopping for Halloween. Came home, and I was like, “Ninja? That’s a—” And I didn’t think anything at first, y’know. Then I started thinking about it. And then we were doing—I think we did Halloween with it. With one of the families we were doing Halloween with where they were Japanese. And I was like—I had a moment where I was like—

[Biz laughs.] 

00:27:36

Biz 

Host

“Is this okay?” Pointing to your kid.

00:27:39

Neil 

Guest

“Can I say that he’s a ninja? He’s a ninja.” “A specific ninja?” “Um, I don’t know.” But I didn’t feel like it was appropriate to have the—I didn’t even know how to have that conversation. I just thought to myself, “This is a little… weird. And maybe wrong.” And I’m thinking it’s wrong.

00:27:57

Biz 

Host

That— [Laughs.] 

[Neil laughs.] 

—is definitely—just focus on that and making sure that you’re—see, that’s great, because your kid’s gonna grow up like twenty years from now and hopefully, like many of us who were like, “Oh, do you remember when everybody used to be—for example—hobos.” Alright?

[Neil laughs.] 

Where it’s like, “I don’t think that’s a—‘haha, look at the—‘” That was a time when people were not focusing on the homeless crisis that faces—it was based on, y’know, cartoons from the Depression.

00:28:31

Neil 

Guest

Where it gets tricky is like—I don’t know if we wanna get philosophical, but if you start going into sports teams—

00:28:36

Biz 

Host

Okay.

00:28:38

Neil 

Guest

So certain sports teams, the name is absolutely horrible. Like the Redskins. That was terrible. But then you have names that are specific to a job within a culture. And it starts—you start to wonder if that’s an issue. It’s sort of like a cowboy is a job or a type of something in American—like, in old American culture. And that seems okay because it’s a specific, “That guy’s a cowboy.” 

00:29:08

Biz 

Host

It’s a character.

00:29:09

Neil 

Guest

“He’s doing cowboy things.”

00:29:11

Biz 

Host

Yeah. It’s a character of a type. Right? Like… cowboy. Right.

00:29:16

Neil 

Guest

Right. But if you’re just sort of like, y’know, I can’t be like, “I’m going as a Jew this year.” I can say that. I’m Jewish, so I can say that.

00:29:22

Biz 

Host

Yes. I know. You can say that. Right.

00:29:24

Neil 

Guest

But like doesn’t make sense. Could I go as a Hasidic? I mean, probably not. I probably shouldn’t. But you know as a kid I’m sure that was an idea of mine. [Laughs.] 

00:29:33

Biz 

Host

Right. Or like, back in the day, y’know, I remember there were a lot of priest costumes? Like, somebody would show up at a party—slightly older—as a priest? Right? Like, I think…

00:29:45

Neil 

Guest

But you can do that. Right? You can do priests because it’s—

00:29:49

Biz 

Host

Who wants to be a fucking priest? [Laughs.] That’s more of a terrifying—

00:29:54

Neil 

Guest

Well nowadays you definitely wanna go—it’s really—it’s packed with imagery. Packed with too many ideas. But you could go as a rabbi. I could go as a rabbi. 

00:30:03

Biz 

Host

Ehhh… I—just, like—I like being in the land now of, “Ehhh…” If I make that noise—

00:30:09

Neil 

Guest

Can I go as—but can I go as “drunk rabbi”? 

00:30:12

Biz 

Host

What if you went as just a very specific—

00:30:14

Neil 

Guest

“Drunk rabbi at a funeral”? 

00:30:16

Biz 

Host

Or if you went—like, I could go as Father Sarducci from Saturday Night Live. Which is a character being a character—

00:30:23

Crosstalk

Crosstalk

Neil: But you’d have a lot of explaining to do.

Biz: I would—oh! To so many people. 

00:30:28

Neil 

Guest

There’s only so many people who are gonna go, “Oh, Father Guido Sarducci!”

00:30:32

Biz 

Host

This could be your year to be Benny Hill. ‘Cause no one would know who the fuck that was. But I feel like there’s like—

[Neil laughs.] 

—the mortifying thread that we get to bask in right now is that awkwardness of the things that were acceptable when we were kids. And I’m just gonna have to lean into—most of us had no baggage with it. Right? [Laughs.] And it wasn’t like, y’know, no one in the house was like, y’know, “Here’s my giant long list of how I hate every type of person. Now dress up as that person!”

[Neil laughs.] 

“And we are going to mock them openly!” It was like, “Oh, okay. Y’know. I’m gonna put a scarf on my head. And now I’m—y’know, a gypsy fortune teller.” Right? Like, it’s—it didn’t come from a place of malice. Now we have a better understanding of what we don’t have to do. What’s not like— [Laughs.] You don’t have to go there. You don’t have to do it. Simultaneously, there is the wonder of Halloween and getting to be… something else! Right? And I—I think that’s sort of where those questions come up as parents. Like when—like, for example, y’know, if my kids wanna wear—in this house, it’s more… they’ve picked a costume. It’s probably anime. And there’s probably something about the uniform that looks like you’re wearing underpants on top of tights. Right? Where I’m like—as a seasoned adult, I’m like, “I don’t know if you wanna walk out in the world like that.” Right? Like— [Laughs.] Like, that… that seems like the kind of thing that you wear, and then a name gets attached. And then you’re “the booger eater” the rest of your life. I’m just using “booger eater” as a general term that can follow you for a long time. Where I wanna step in and be like, “Do you—are you sure?” But then I’m like, “I shouldn’t. Because this is authentic costume and that means something for anime people.” Right? Like, there’s… I think there’s something about Halloween and having to decide as a parent what you’re okay with in general about your kid walking out? I mean, it would be great if all kids were like, “I’m a library book.” That’d be great!

[Neil laughs.] 

[Through laughter] There’s nothing wrong with that unless you’re overdue!

00:32:49

Neil 

Guest

But I feel like that’s the kind of costume that would give you a name.

00:32:53

Biz 

Host

Oh! The library book kid?

00:32:55

Neil 

Guest

You don’t wanna be “the book”! I mean, come on! You could be like—back in the day, that would’ve been great ‘cause you could’ve been the sort of literal version of Encyclopedia Jones.

00:33:06

Biz 

Host

It was Encyclopedia Brown! 

00:33:08

Neil 

Guest

Oh, right! Encyclopedia—which we have! Sorry.

00:33:11

Biz 

Host

I know! Alright. I wanna ask you this—do you remember—‘cause you’ve alluded to this threat of a costume following you throughout your developmental years—can you think of like—did you know a kid who was like—we have a list of those. We’ve got the, y’know, growing up in the Deep South and the girl who came to my sister’s Halloween party dressed as Eve. And she was just in the full, like, y’know, opaque bodysuit with a snake wrapped around her.

[Neil laughs.] 

And that was like, y’know, puberty was hitting in. Right? So that was—everybody was very excited about that. But like—or the kid who… always had the really weird costume or the scary costume. Obviously there were always kids that you were like, “That’s a little too on-the-nose in terms of it feeling like you’re sort of getting to release some inner demon. [Laughs.] On us.”

00:34:05

Neil 

Guest

Well, it’s true. There is always at least one kid in every—even when Henry had—when he was really young and you have those, y’know, the class parades? Where they’re all doing the costume? No matter what setting it is, whenever you have a group of kids in costumes, there’s always one kid that you see them in their costume and they look a little psychotic and you’re a little afraid of them and you’re worried. About your kid’s safety in the midst of their presence. It’s crazy. It’s always happens. That someone’s just a little too Halloween.

[Biz laughs.] 

00:34:37

Biz 

Host

I agree. And then—I will say that I was not prepared for how nervous teens made me during trick-or-treating. The teens come. The teens come and they are—aaah! Like, they look terrifying in their costumes. I’ve already talked about how weird tweens are these days. They just look like a big molting mass of puberty. But the teens for Halloween, they have the—I am not a fan of the Scream face? I like the Scream movies—

00:35:09

Neil    

Guest

No, I don’t like that, either.

00:35:11

Biz    

Host

I like the movies, but I’m not a fan of kids in—where I can’t see their faces! [Laughs.] And then I feel like I’m just a little old lady with a hose who wants, like, “Get off my lawn!” Like, that would—

00:35:24

Neil    

Guest

So, I’m—I’m easily scared even to this day. And so there’s an aspect of Halloween that I dread.

[Biz laughs.] 

But anyone who’s dressing in a scary costume over the age of eleven or twelve is invariably going to scare me.

[Biz laughs.] 

I spent many years as—previous years in L.A. with one of my friends. His big thing is—as an adult—as—with kids coming to the house—he dresses up as Mike Myers. He puts on the music. He puts on the—he does a lighting thing. And he has someone else hand out the candy.

00:36:10

Biz 

Host

Oh, god. That’s good.

00:36:12

Neil 

Guest

And he comes from around the corner. And doesn’t say a word. And just approaches. And he’s very tall and big. He’s a big dude. 

00:36:21

Biz 

Host

Big guy. [Laughs.] 

00:36:22

Neil 

Guest

And we have—he has—and he has made me the decoy. Where I’m the normal person sitting there on the rocking chair playing the fiddle or whatever it is. Right?

[Biz laughs.] 

And he has scared some kids to death. Like, where they run away scared, like, crying. And I’m like—he thinks it’s great ‘cause he loves Halloween. And I’m like, “This is horrible. This is… this is terrible, what you’re doing.” Like, these kids—

00:36:50

Biz 

Host

Well, lesson learned! Don’t come to that house! [Laughs.] 

00:36:52

Neil 

Guest

Yeah. I guess. I just—people have different ideas of Halloween.

00:36:55

Biz 

Host

[Laughs.] That’s true!

00:36:57

Neil 

Guest

Then he found out that there was another Mike Myers in the neighborhood who was on top of their own roof. And it became a whole thing where they had to have a showdown.

00:37:07

Biz 

Host

Oh, that’s good! That’s—

00:37:09

Neil 

Guest

But I had to stay and do the candy. So I didn’t get to see that. But—

[Biz laughs.] 

00:37:12

Biz 

Host

You had to stay and do the candy. Do you—are you a fan of… walking the kids? Or doling out the candy at your house?

00:37:21

Neil 

Guest

I’m not as big—I’m—so when Henry was young, he was allergic to everything.

00:37:25

Biz 

Host

Oh. [Laughs.] 

00:37:27

Neil 

Guest

So one of the things he was allergic to was peanuts. Of course. Of course. And I will say that it really ruins Halloween. Because every single person we would go up to when he was—like, every house. We’d be like, “I can’t—does it have nuts?” 

[Biz laughs.] 

00:37:44

Biz 

Host

Oh, baby! 

00:37:46

Neil 

Guest

It’s the most neurotic Halloween ever. And it just ruins it. “Are there nuts? Are there nuts?” And like—and like, “Put it back! You can’t have it!” 

[Biz laughs.] 

00:37:53

Biz 

Host

That’s—yeah. “Do you have raisins? We’d like the raisins.” [Laughs.] 

00:37:57

Neil 

Guest

“Do you have any apples?”

00:37:59

Biz 

Host

That is a good point.

00:38:02

Neil 

Guest

So I didn’t—I did some of that when he was younger. Now he would really be embarrassed if I walked around with him. They gotta do it on their own now. In a group.

00:38:12

Biz 

Host

Oh, I love it! I think my oldest, who’s twelve—now they’re—they’ve always had a little pack and they go out and we release them into the neighborhood.

[Neil laughs.] 

I mean, there’s two massive streets on either side. So—California. But they can go around, up and down our streets, which gets you plenty of candy. There’s always the one house that’s like, “Oh, is there trick-or-treating?” And they just throw in, like, adult-sized Snicker bars! And I’m like, “That is for mama.” But they—we let them out. But this year, Raiden—Raiden, the artist formerly known at Katy Belle—Raiden says, “Maybe I’m too old for Halloween.” And I was like, “When you get too old for Halloween, let me tell you how to work that. You take your brother around for Halloween. And then you get candy. That’s how you still get candy but keep your cred as an older—as a kid too old to trick or treat. This is what you have to do.” 

00:39:12

Neil 

Guest

That’s smart. When I was a kid I sort of realized I needed to stop trick-or-treating—I don’t remember how old I was. I was probably like, middle school?

00:39:19

Biz 

Host

Did you have a mustache? [Laughs.] 

00:39:22

Neil 

Guest

I walked around… as a—like, twelve- or thirteen-year-old. And I just didn’t even put any effort into the costume. And I was just like walking around with I think a hockey jersey on. But nothing else. Maybe I brought hockey gloves with me? And a stick? But not—this is like… if you—if you woulda saw me on any given winter day that year, I was probably out on the street with said hockey stick and said hockey gloves and said hockey jersey, playing hockey. So it was not a costume.

00:39:50

Biz 

Host

Yeah. You’re like, “No, I’m the Mighty Ducks! I’m from the Mighty Ducks!” [Laughs.] 

[Neil laughs.] 

“That’s what I am!”

00:39:55

Neil 

Guest

So I just—I got so many dirty looks from parents that year that I was like, “I’m done.” It’s weird to have imposter syndrome on Halloween.

00:40:03

Biz 

Host

Yeah. I will say that I am very pro—this was something Stefan and I learned early on in our marriage—I am pro if a kid of any age shows up and says “Trick or treat” without a costume, they get motherfucking candy. ‘Cause it’s Halloween. And you get some candy! I don’t know—I don’t know that kid’s backstory. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on. But that kid just knocked on my door and said “Trick or treat.” And Stefan’s like, “No, no. There’s an agreement.”

[Neil laughs.] 

“You come in costume and you get it.” And I—ohhh, that was—I was like, “You will give them more—go back—” ‘Cause he turned that kid away! And I was like—

00:40:43

Neil 

Guest

Oh, wow.

00:40:45

Biz 

Host

Oh, yeah. I was like—he’s like, “Go get a costume and come back.” And I was like, [gasps.] [Laughs.] We were in Brooklyn. And I was like, “Oooh!” And turned around and I was like, “Whaaat did you do? Who have I married?!” 

[Neil laughs.] 

“This is over!” And—y’know, you gotta figure those things out. Alright. Everybody? We’re gonna link you up to the—A, where you can hear Neil from the last time he was on. But also, to—we’re gonna link you up specifically to one of his Ooh You’re In Trouble podcasts. Be warned! It’s scary!

[Neil laughs.] 

But you know your kids best. If they can handle it. But we’ll link ya up to that special Halloween-y-vibed Ooh You’re In Trouble episode. As well as where you can find out more about Neil. Neil, thank you so much!

00:41:32

Neil 

Guest

Thank you.

00:41:32

Biz 

Host

We’ll have to talk about maybe mortifying… I don’t know. Easters next? What’s—

[Neil laughs.] 

What’s—

00:41:38

Neil 

Guest

Easter’s one of the most mortifying holidays. I have no idea. I’m Jewish. Purim? Purim? 

00:41:42

Biz 

Host

Let’s do prom. We’ve got a first—

00:41:44

Neil 

Guest

I don’t even have a—yeah, prom. Prom. Yes. Well—oh, come to me for prom stories. Don’t even—

00:41:48

Biz 

Host

Alright! We’re gonna—we’ll see you back here for prom! In which I was also dressed as Pat Benatar. Alright. 

00:41:54

Neil 

Guest

I’ll just give you—I went with a blind date to the prom. That’s all you need to know. As a tease for the prom episode.

00:42:00

Biz 

Host

Oh my god. That’s it. That’s—end it right there. Everybody? Prepare for silence! 

[Long pause.]

00:42:05

Music

Music

“Ones and Zeroes” by “Awesome.” Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds.

[Music fades out.]

00:42:24

Music

Promo

Inspirational keyboard music plays in background.

00:42:25

Biz 

Promo

One Bad Mother is supported in part by KiwiCo. KiwoCo goes hand in hand with creative fun. The long list of KiwiCo projects that have existed and still exist in this house. My children are still playing with the spin art—the make-your-own-spin-art-machine out of the box that the kit came in! That is still here and still working. [Laughs.] Learning! Sneaky and fun. Scare up some fun this Halloween with KiwiCo. Redefine learning with play. Explore hands-on projects that build confidence, creativity, and critical thinking skills. And remember, a lot of these can be done by your child, depending on their age. [Laughs.] Get 50% off your first month, plus free shipping on any crate line, with code “badmother” at KiwiCo.com. That’s 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code “badmother.”

[Music ends.]

00:43:29

Music

Promo

Cheerful ukulele with whistling plays in background.

00:43:30

Biz 

Promo

One Bad Mother is supported in part by Dipsea. Turned on the lights! Get under the covers! No—it’s not time for spooky stories! [Laughs.] It is time for Dipsea! Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on. Guys? I love Dipsea. I love this app. If you need to wind down, Dipsea also has wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories, and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off. For listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/badmother. That’s 30 days of full access for free when you go to D-I-P-S-E-AStories.com/badmother. DipseaStories.com/badmother.

[Music fades out.]

00:44:27

Theresa

Host

Hey, you know what it’s time for! This week’s genius and fails! This is the part of the show where we share our genius moment of the week, as well as our failures, and feel better about ourselves by hearing yours. You can share some of your own by calling 206-350-9485. That’s 206-350-9485.

00:44:47

Biz 

Host

Genius fail time. Genius me, me!

00:44:51

Clip

Clip

[Dramatic, swelling music in background.]

Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius!

00:45:06

Biz 

Host

Alright, guys. As I’ve mentioned, we have finally gotten my parents out to Pasadena and this is great. Any of you who have experienced something similar know that one of the biggest tasks is setting them up with new doctors and specialists and all that kind of stuff. So for the last couple of months, I’ve been working to try and get that set up. I did manage—and guess what? No one’s taking new patients. [Laughs.] It’s really hard! Hello, COVID. Again. Very hard. Or you can’t get an appointment until like December. Fair. I get it. So I did get my mom an appointment with an internist. To sort of set up as their general physician. And they were with a network that is affiliated with the hospital. ‘K? I was thinking, “Oh, I should find doctors that are affiliated with the hospital.” ‘Cause, y’know, my parents are in their eighties. [Laughs.] And she went, I guess, a week and a half ago. She had the appointment. And the genius is—when Papa called to say he had taken Mama to the ER at that hospital, all of her information was already in the system. It was there. So they didn’t have to, like, y’know. “Here’s all my information. Here’s my birthday. It’s my—” Like, blah, blah, blah. It was all there. I mean by the skin of its teeth. This happened within like a five-day difference it wouldn’t have been. But it was. And I felt really good about that. Really good about that. 

00:46:44

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi! This is a genius. Although it’s almost bordered by a fail. ‘Cause I’m at a fair—a carnival—with a two-year-old, a four-year-old, and an eight-year-old, and only one other adult who joined us late. And anyway, they’re on a ride.

[Biz laughs.] 

I’m calling because I’m eating French fries out of a cup. It’s a kid’s cup with a lid. I brought four of them. And when the French fries came in their overflowing baskets, I transferred them into the cups. And now I have kids eating French fries and I’m eating French fries and they’re not spilled all over the place and I can still push the stroller and it’s genius. And forever I’m going to bring my own cups with lids to this fair. So I’m a genius! Perhaps did a fail. But I’m a genius. 

00:47:34

Biz 

Host

Well. Isn’t that really the theme of parenting? A genius trapped in a fail? A genius hot dog in a failure bun, as it were. [Laughs.] Now that is a new t-shirt. That—just a hot dog in a bun, and it says “parenting.” Anyway. I think you’re doing an amazing job, and I—it really is genius what you—to bring snacking-sized cups when you go to a fair? Or a movie? Or some other place in which they serve oversized and everybody wants their own of that oversize? I—and that you brought yourself your own cup! Genius. Genius. Genius. You’re a genius. Failures!

00:48:19

Clip

Clip

[Dramatic orchestral music plays in the background.]

Theresa: [In a voice akin to the Wicked Witch of the West] Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL!

[Timpani with foot pedal engaged for humorous effect.]

Biz: [Calmly] You suck!

00:48:25

Biz 

Host

Fail me, me. Oh… kay. Alright, guys. I said it right at the top of the show. I’m just gonna go ahead and get this fail out of the way for the Halloween season and say that I was a sad mom witch. And that I’m still sad about being that. I’m not even gonna wait ‘til after Halloween to be like, “Oh, my fail was I was a sad mom witch.” I’m— [Laughs.] I’m just going to sit in it right now. Make peace with it. You know what? Maybe I need to make a shirt that says “sad mom—hashtag #SadMomWitch”! That’s another shirt idea. Or maybe we’ll just turn that into a hashtag, guys. And we’ll just run around and post pictures of ourselves as sad mom witch at school drop-offs or at Halloween night or at parties. Whatever. Parties? Do we go to parties? I don’t know. Gabe’s like, “Maybe a party.” And I’m like, “Gabe? It would be funny if you went as sad mom witch to a party.” Anyway. So I’m just embracing—I’m embracing—I’m pre-failing embracing. So… there ya go. 

00:49:32

Caller

Caller

[Answering machine beeps.] 

Hi! I’m calling with a fail. And a little warning. There is a tiny bit of barf involved. Today I was making dinner for my three-year-old and there was something on his plate he said he didn’t want, so I just tossed it in my mouth. And then, being three, he decided that he actually did want it? And so I was like, “Well, buddy, I’m sorry. I ate it. It’s in my belly. What would you like me to do?” And he said, “You should stick your hand down and grab it.” So I did that thing where you turn to the side and you put your hand in your mouth but then you really are like… slide it down your face so you look like it’s going in your mouth? And it made him laugh and it kind of diffuses the situation, which was great. But then I turn around later and he’s been trying to reach into his own stomach. And… I was like, “Well, alright. That was goofy, but alright. Y’know. Whatever. He’ll learn that that’s not really something you can do.” Right? Except for then he barfed up his whole dinner.

[Biz laughs.] 

So— [Laughs.] Whoops! I suck. 

[Sound of child in background.]

[Biz laughs.] 

00:50:36

Biz

Host

That was barely a barf story. Barely a barf story! Okay. I love you. And your child. I love that—this is—again—again, is anybody keeping a running list of all the things that none of us expected would be part of parenting? Like you ate it. Yeah. And then they wanted it back. Absolutely right. And then you did the hilarious, like, “Aaagh! I’m gonna reach down my throat! Watch my hand disappear!” Yeah. Why would any of us think that the child would then actually think that they could—and I also really applaud your parenting and that you were like, “Oh, well, buddy. You’ll figure that out.” [Laughs.] “That’s not gonna work.” That was some—that was some smooth parenting. And then they puked! And I guess that was the fail. Trying to roll with it and trying to let a learning experience happen without there being a punishment of some kind. Like puke. I also—I gotta tell you—you said you ate it. You ate whatever it was. And you didn’t even really look at it? And I really thought the story was going somewhere else. So… y’know. Different bars are set for—for each of us. But you’re doing a horrible job being really great to your kid. [Laughs.] 

00:51:55

Music

Music

“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics.

You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known.

I love you, I love you.

When I have a problem, I call you on the phone.

I love you, I love you.

[Music fades out.]

00:52:20

Promo

Clip

Music: Bright, cheerful music.

Ellen Weatherford: Hey, there! I’m Ellen Weatherford.

Christian Weatherford: And I’m Christian Weatherford.

Ellen: And we’ve got big feelings about animals that we just gotta share.

Christian: On Just the Zoo of Us, your new favorite animal review podcast, we’re here to critically evaluate how each animal excels and how it doesn’t, rating them out of 10 on their effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics.

Ellen: Guest experts give you their takes informed by actual, real-life experiences studying and working with very cool animals, like sharks, cheetahs, and sea turtles.

Christian: It’s a fieldtrip to the zoo for your ears.

Ellen: So, if you or your kids have ever wondered if a pigeon can count, why sloths move so slow, or how a spider sees the world, find out with us every Wednesday on Just the Zoo of Us, which can now be found in its natural habitat, on MaximumFun.org.

Christian: Listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.

[Music ends, punctuated with an undulating wild animal call.]

00:53:13

Promo

Clip

Music: Uplifting orchestral music plays.

AJ: Mr. Robotman, what are you doing?

C-53: [Electronically distorted.] I’m just taking one last look at my coworkers.

Narrator: Every journey comes to an end.

Kiarondo: [Echoing.] Remember, Pleck, the space will be with you, always.

Pleck Decksetter: Sorry, who are you again?

Kiarondo: Master Kiarondo?

Pleck: [Chuckling.] Oh, right, right, sorry.

Kiarondo: Just calling in.

Narrator: Friendships will be tested.

Bargie: Dar, you have to do it. You have to shoot Pleck.

[Phasers reloading and charging up.]

Dar: Okay.

Bargie: It’s the only way to save us.

[A laser noise and a scream.]

C-53: Wow, you shot him so fast.

Narrator: Destinies will be fulfilled.

[Wing flapping sounds.]

Nermut Bendaloy: I’ve become a complete bird! [Screams.] I’m flying! I’m flyinggg!

Narrator: On April 28^th, the saga starts concluding.

Pleck: Guys, we don’t have a choice. We have to put on a show!

AJ: We can do it in the old barn! We’ve got the costumes. We’ve got a stage! We can do it, you guys!

Narrator: Mission to Zyxx! The final season, on Maximum Fun!

00:54:20

Biz 

Host

Alright, everybody. It’s that special time! It’s time to listen to a mom have a breakdown!

00:54:27

Caller

Caller

Hi. This is a rant. There probably should be a prohibition on calling in rants before a certain time in the morning, but here I am anyway. I had to cancel my trip to my best friends from college’s wedding last night. And I’m just so sad. I thought there was a brief period where we thought everything would be fine. Then I went to a wedding. There were no masks. Everything was fine. Back in June. And now I had to cancel plans to a wedding of someone who I really care about. That hurts so much. And I also left my coffee cup on the car this morning, and it [through humorless laughter] fell off and I look like that crazy person. Y’know, basically trying to put coffee back into the cup. At like 6:30 in the morning. So—and I’m in the parking lot at work trying not to work. And that’s just how today’s gonna go. So this sucks. But you’re all doing a good job.

00:55:29

Biz 

Host

You are doing… an amazing job. And I’m… I’m so sorry about the wedding. That… [sighs.] I mean, it just—it really never ends. And the effects of this pandemic on our lives. And… where those moments arise that can cause grief in ways that we didn’t expect? And we are—we are—like, just programmed to be optimistic when it comes to these sorts of things, I think. I think if we don’t have hope—if we don’t have these moments of, “Well, by the time that wedding happens I can absolutely go”—we would all be the person with coffee cups on top of our car. So you set yourself up for the hope that this is gonna work, and then when it doesn’t—it’s really—it’s really hard! It really hurts! It hurts! And it's not fair. And… everybody wants to release their inner toddler and scream and yell and kick the floor and say, “No fair, no fair, no fair!” But we all are also not toddlers. And we’ve gotta balance the safety of our own health and the safety of our family’s health and the safety of our community when we make these decisions. And… y’know, I think that’s such an important, special, and uniquely, like… amazing gift that we have as humans? Being able to care for others? And to take responsibility for those around us? I think that’s like such… an amazingly-beautiful part of us. At the same time, that doesn’t erase how much it hurts that we can’t, y’know, do what we want. [Laughs.] I mean, y’know. I see you. And I love the people with the coffee cups on the car. I chased one down the other day ‘cause they were driving and I was like, “Ah, ah, ah!” And it was like four or five of us. It was like a four-way intersection. So four or five of us were trying to honk to get this person’s attention that they had the coffee cup on top of the car. I think they were high teens if it was up to me. If you had to ask me, that’s what I think it was. But— [Laughs.] Anyway. And they finally stopped. We were all like, “Coffee cup on top—” And they got it. I think coffee cups on top of the car are like the sticker windows. I think it just indicates where you are in your life and that’s okay. It’s a—it’s a badge to wear proudly. Very proudly. Just like crying in parking lots. It just—this is— [Laughs.] It’s like—it’s like being in the hospital and like, “Don’t look in the doors! Don’t look in the rooms! Except for the one room you’re going to.” Walking through parking lots—”Don’t look in the car windows! You might catch somebody crying! Or breastfeeding. Or changing clothes for work. ‘Cause I’ve done all three of those things.” You are doing a remarkable job. There will be a chance to celebrate your friend’s marriage in the future. Or in some way that is special to you. And you’re doing a good job. 

00:59:09

Biz 

Host

Guys? I—from the beginning of our show to the end of our show, all the way through the show, y’know, we’re talking about expectations about school and our kids being where we think they’re gonna be [through laughter] when we need them to be. And then that getting turned on its head because of COVID. All the way to, y’know, thinking that we could plan for future events and then discovering that maybe we can’t right now. And that’s gonna come close to home for Halloween as well. Right? We’re all gonna have to make decisions around this time of year. And I—and that’s—that’s a bummer. And that’s no fun. And I just… I just wanna say, y’know, there’s still gonna be plenty of candy. And that’s really good. People are still gonna make horrible choices with costumes, but hopefully from just an awkward standpoint and not an offensive standpoint. Let’s all shoot for that as our goals. I do like that there are opportunities to have discussions around costumes like that. I like that we’re a better society in which we question the choices that we made when we were kids. And get to question them with our kids and make our kids and ourselves better critical thinkers! When it comes to, y’know, it’s like—it’s like being part of that community. Being part of taking care of each other. Whether that be with COVID restrictions or whether that be with being mindful of how our actions affect others. And, y’know, costumes are a great place for that. It’s no skin off my back to talk to my kids about why X, Y, or Z might not be the best costume to have. Even if it’s just grey territory. Right? We could be more creative. Either way, if you don’t know what to be you can always fall back on sad mom witch. Even if you’re a dad. Or a tween. Everybody? You’re doing a great job! And I will talk to you next week. Bye! 

01:01:25

Music

Music

“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics.

I got the lowdown momma blues

Got the the lowdown momma blues

Gots the lowdown momma blues

The lowdown momma blues. 

Gots the lowdown momma blues

Got the lowdown momma blues

You know that’s right.

[Music fades somewhat, briefly plays in background of dialogue.]

01:01:49

Biz 

Host

We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Gabe Mara; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.

01:02:18

Theresa

Host

One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate.

[Music continues for a while before fading out.]

01:02:40

Music

Transition

A cheerful ukulele chord.

01:02:42

Speaker 1

Guest

MaximumFun.org.

01:02:44

Speaker 2

Guest

Comedy and culture.

01:02:45

Speaker 3

Guest

Artist owned—

01:02:46

Speaker 4

Guest

—Audience supported.