Transcript
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse thorn
Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorn. We're in chambers this week to clear the docket, and with me as always is the... judgest with the mostest... [John laughs.] Judge John Hodgman.
john hodgman
The judge-est with the mudge-est.
jesse
Yeah. Well, you know, either way. We could've gone judge-ost with the... jo-jist? The jodge with the most?
john
The—[laughs]—"Judge John Judgeman" is the most common mis-pronunciation of the admittedly hard-to-pronounce show title.
jesse
[Laughs quietly.] With us as always—
john
Judge Judge Judgeman.
jesse
—my friend Houseman, Judge John Hodgman.
john
[Laughs.] Hello, my friend Bailiff Jesse Thorn! We are, as usual, talking to each other through the miracle of technology. Very socially distanced, across an entire continent. You are in Los Angeles. This time, I am in the state of Maine. Broadcasting to you from the—uh, the sanitized studios of WERU in Orland, Maine. That's 89.9 in Blue Hill, 99.9 in Bangor, and all over the world at WERU.org. Across the glass from me is our friend, summertime producer Joel Mann. [Beat.]
joel mann
Hey, Judge.
john
Yep. Joel... has— [Jesse laughs.] —okay, easy, Joel. Don't—don't talk, you know... Catch your breath for a second. [John or Joel takes a deep breath.]
jesse
Don't bring out your signature catchphrase, "Yup," already. [John cracks up.] Gotta save it for a key time!
john
Joel—Joel, are you the—you—you're the program director here?
joel
Program and operations.
john
Program—P and Ops.
joel
Yeah. Yeah.
john
Yeah? Alright. And, um—
jesse
That's why we call him Pops!
crosstalk
Joel: That's right. John: That's why we call him Pops.
john
Uh, but I'm gonna tell you, Jesse! I'm—like, we just slated using a website to coordinate our time across this continent to make sure that Jennifer Marmor, our super producer, can mix our dulcet tones together in the proper order. And so we slate, according to time, this website that gives us the correct time. And this website is telling me my clock is .4 seconds behind!
jesse
Devastating news.
john
Jesse Thorn, what—what other injustices besides my clock being .4 seconds slow can we resolve here? [Jesse laughs quietly.] We can do our small part to resolve some small injustice here. What do we got on the docket?
jesse
Here's something from Jessica. She says: "My husband is obsessed with electric vehicles and free charging. We recently attempted to go camping, only to find out the campsite had been temporarily closed. Instead of staying at a motel, we spent the night in an empty hospital parking lot because there was a free charger for our car." [John snorts.] "My husband also refuses to run the dry cycle on the dishwasher in order to save energy. We dream of building or buying a home soon, but while I look at school districts, he needs solar roofs or ICF builds." I don't know what an ICF build is.
john
You keep reading, I'll look it up.
jesse
"I seek an order that we use a gas vehicle on trips that are longer than ten hours so charging stations are not the main factor in our planning. I would also like to use the dry cycle, or have him towel-dry all the dishes."
john
So an ICF building is a building that is constructed out of... ICFs. Insulated concrete forms. I thought it stood for "ice cream foams." That would have been delicious.
jesse
Yeah. But you—[laughs]—but you've—you have molecular gastronomy on the brain.
john
[Laughs.] "This guy wanted to build his house out of ice cream foam!" Ohhh, white chocolate flavor, please. No, it's a—blocks of polystyrene foam with space in between to pour a concrete wall. So your concrete is a very—uh, keep—it's like the McDLT, it keeps the hot hot and the cool cool.
jesse
Got it.
john
That's—that's an—a very, very old reference.
jesse
Sure.
john
To a long-discontinued McDonald's sandwich.
jesse
Is it like Brylcreem? Will a little dab do ya?
john
Yeah, that's right. [Laughs.] "If you can read this, you'd be home now." You ever have a McDLT, Joel?
joel
No.
john
No. Alright. Check it out, Jason Alexander from Seinfeld—who you don't think of as a famous song-and-dance man—[stifles laughter]—did the ad for the McDLT in, I gotta say, 1986 or so? It's on YouTube. And it's all, like, song and dance, musical patter, Music Man–style, from Jason Alexander. As though he's—[stifles laughter]—as though he's come to town to sell this town on his new invention. A styrofoam box that keeps the cold part of the burger cold, and the hot part of the burger hot. And just like in The Music Man, everyone's buying. [Jesse laughs quietly.] Anyway, let's talk about Jessica and her husband. I—first of all, they should go back and listen to episode 443, "Daylight Savings Crime." Similar husband and wife, where the husband—in this case Joshua—had put up some solar panels, and became really, really into reducing their energy output, and maybe being negative energy. Like, producing more energy than they spent. And also had a drying issue. He didn't wanna use the clothes dryer, so he wanted to dry all his clothes on a rack in the basement, and we were like, "Go for it." Uh, in this case, though, I'm concerned the husband might—might be—I think turning your vacation into an impromptu hospital parking lot campout is maybe going too far. What do you think, Jesse?
jesse
[Laughs quietly.] Yeah. I don't know if a hospital parking lot is where I would want to spend... any voluntary overnight.
john
Yeah. I'm trying to think fo where a—like, what place with a free charger for a car would be more depressing. To spend a night.
jesse
I mean, like, honestly, if you gave me a choice between spending the night in a hospital parking lot and spending the night in the parking lot of an... gentleman's entertainment venue?
john
[Stifling laughter] Uh-huh?
jesse
I think I might choose the latter. [Laughs.]
john
Yeah, like—okay. Yeah. Yeah. I—
jesse
[Laughing] Just on the scale of sad places to sleep.
john
[Stifles laughter.] That are packed with Tesla chargers.
jesse
[Laughing] Yeah.
john
A gentleman's nightclub. [Laughs.]
jesse
Well, I live in Los Angeles, John.
john
That's true! I don't—I don't know—I don't know what it's like. I've never been. I've never been.
jesse
Where do you think Robert Downey Jr.'s spending the night?
john
How dare you?! How—you're talking about Tony Stark. [Jesse laughs quietly.] Inventor of time travel. Also Dr. Dolittle. What if Robert Downey Jr. loves this podcast, and now he's sad?
crosstalk
John: Oh, well. I think it'll be fine. Jesse: [Laughs.] I'm sorry, RDJ. You're a very talented man.
john
Yeah! I mean, I think Jessica's husband's heart is in the right place. But that's a—that's a bad outcome for what was going to be a fun camping trip. They should've just charged up and gone home, I think! Or else they couldn't have. So Jessica wants that I order that they use a gas vehicle on trips that are longer than ten hours. Um... I don't know—I don't know if Jessica's husband's gonna be okay with that! And I applaud the fact that he is being thrifty and conservation-minded. I think what's lacking here is a certain amount of planning! Don't—[laughs]—you should find out if that campsite's gonna be open before you drive your Spark or whatever, and get stuck in a hospital parking lot all night! And one of the things that I've learned during the time of COVID-19... It's a real—I don't know if you've noticed this, Jesse, but like, there is zero information online about when and what is open that is trustworthy. You have to—
jesse
Yeah.
john
You have to go back in time and call places. And say, "Do I need a prescription in order to get a COVID test at your clinic?" or "Is your campsite going to be open?" And similarly, you know, the—Jessica and her husband could go farther than ten hours with just a little advance planning about where the charging stations are. So you don't get stuck in a parking lot. I think this is a matter of planning, as much as it is about conservation. Now, as far as drying the dishes... Jesse Thorn, do you have a dishwasher? An—a dish—an electric dishwasher?
jesse
I do! Not to brag, but it's portable, baby.
john
What are you talking about, it's portable?
jesse
[Laughs.] Well, my kitchen doesn't have a place to put a dishwasher.
john
Okay.
jesse
Uh, it does have a place where the kitchen door would open.
john
[Laughing] Uh-huh.
jesse
But we decided to put a portable dishwasher there, uh, rather than ever open the kitchen door.
john
[Laughing] Uh-huh.
jesse
So, uh, our dishwasher is of the type that is roughly the size of a built-in dishwasher. Maybe a little smaller.
john
Right.
jesse
But rolls around our kitchen on wheels, and attaches with a hose to our kitchen faucet.
john
So you could take it with you on a camping trip, say, in a hospital parking lot if you need it.
jesse
Oh, we take it with us everywhere! I mean, not just camping trips. [John laughs quietly.] We're going downtown to the library, we take it with us.
john
Oh, yeah!
jesse
'Cause you never know when you're gonna soil dishes.
john
Yeah! And also, those books are dirty!
jesse
[Laughs.] Oh, hose 'em down, that's what I say.
john
[Laughs.] Wow, a portable dishwasher. Does it have a dryer cycle on it?
jesse
It does, yeah. It has a—it has like a—both a speedy dry and like an econo-dry, I think.
john
Yeah. I—I mean, I've—our dishwasher is broken, and it's proved a little difficult to get it fixed, 'cause it's not a high priority for anyone right now. [John and Jesse stifle laughter.]
jesse
Yeah.
john
To have a—[laughs]—to come out and fix our dishwasher, or for us to have a functioning dishwasher! 'Cause what I've learned and realized is it's not that hard to just... wash your dishes as you go. And it's rather simple to let them dry for a few minutes and then wipe off excess moisture and put 'em away! So I would say that, uh, again, Jessica's husband is being thoughtful and conservation-minded by not wasting the energy on that drying cycle, especially since in a lot of dishwashers it's not very effective, and there's a lot of residue left over. I have no problem with him, you know, running the dishwasher, and then opening it and letting the dishes air-dry by bringing out the racks. Or towel-drying all the dishes and putting them away. But I do think that it is his responsibility to make sure they're dry, and to put them away, 'cause that's his thing. I see no real—I mean, in terms of his everyday practice, I see no real misdemeanor here other than poor planning. I'm not gonna find in favor of Jessica entirely. With a little bit better planning, I think they can use their electric vehicle to go far and wide, especially when and if it is safer to do so. But I do order her husband to dry the dishes. And even then, I'm not sure that justice has been served for the night that he made Jessica sleep in a electric vehicle in a hospital parking lot.
john
So I'm going to order as punishment, as damages, that Jessica's husband has to go spend the night alone in the car, in the only parking lot that I can think of that is more depressing and terrifying than a hospital parking lot. Go spend the night alone in a car in the parking lot of an abandoned hospital.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
john
Good luck sleeping, Jessica's husband.
jesse
[Laughs quietly.] Here's something from Jared: "My longtime girlfriend Emma uses regular office scissors to cut food, instead of a knife. This includes foods with layers and sauce, like pizza or sandwiches." [John snorts.] "We have several perfectly good pizza cutters and knives. I need you to make her stop, because our scissors are gross." [Stifling laughter] I have to say, my first instinct here is that this is an extraordinary innovation.
john
Uh, yeah! Do you keep scissors in your kitchen? Do you have a pair of kitchen shears, Jesse?
jesse
I have kitchen shears and paper scissors in my kitchen.
john
And what do you use them for, respectively?
jesse
I use kitchen shears primarily for food-specific tasks like, um, cutting up a chicken?
john
Right.
jesse
I use the paper scissors for opening packaging, and also just as a place to keep paper scissors that I need for household tasks.
john
Right. Right. You got that—it's that combo culinary/office supply station in your—in your—
jesse
Exactly. [Laughs.]
john
Right. That makes sense! I—in every kitchen! Welcome to the shears club, Jared! Maybe you don't know what Emma is doing. You say she's using regular office scissors, and I'm gonna take you at your word. But the use of scissors in the kitchen is not only tremendously common, but great! We use it—you know what I like to use scissors for is, uh, cutting up chives! You know? Just snip, snip, snip.
jesse
Sure.
john
Right over a plate of scrambled eggs. And as far as your thing about pizza going, first of all, I have two issues. One, you say, "We have several perfectly good pizza cutters." That's a lie. You may have several. But the reason you do is none of them is very good. You ever use a roller pizza cutter, Jesse, like they have in the pizza shop, in the pizza pie parlor in New York City for example?
jesse
Yeah, but you know what? I recently watched a YouTube video by friend of MaxFun Adam Ragusea—
john
Yeah.
jesse
—who's become a big YouTube cooking star.
john
Yeah!
jesse
And on merit, he's wonderful at it! And Adam has a special way of making pizza that he does, and then at the end he says, "Don't bother with the roller thing. It's annoying. Just use a knife." [Laughs.]
john
Yeah!
jesse
And I used a knife, and I was like, "Yeah, this is great." [Laughs.]
john
Yeah! It's the—the roller things are a great way to make the crust flat, and to not cut the pizza all the way through.
jesse
[Laughing] Yeah.
john
Anyone who's ever gotten a pizza pie delivered to your door, or from a takeout situation, you get it home, you're still—you gotta re-cut all those slices! 'Cause those roller things are bad. "Perfectly good..." Not—you don't have a single perfectly good pizza cutter. I tell you, Jared. Except for one thing. One tool! Scissors. [Stifles laughter.] Now, I agree with you, Jared, that Emma should have dedicated culinary scissors. We're calling them kitchen shears. You don't need any special equipment. A good pair of scissors is fine. Kitchen shears offer you a little extra heft in the handle department, I guess. But you don't wanna be mixing—cross-contaminating your kitchen scissors with your opening of packages. Separate scissors. But one thing I saw... the very last day we were allowed to travel, just as I was leaving the city of Venice, Italy... Now, Venice is not known for its pizza. In fact, in general, its food is considered to be fairly pedestrian compared to the rest of Italy. But they have it there. And I walked by a big pizza parlor, and these women—there were all these pizzas, and there are these women just cutting them up with shears! I was so excited, I—I dropped my jaw right into a canal. Incredible. You know what else they had—they also had that was good in Venice, Jesse?
jesse
What's that?
john
A chain restaurant—it was like, somebody's dream, somebody's Shark Tank dream, to launch a new fast food restaurant where they boiled fresh pasta on demand, and then served it in a cup with your choice of sauces. And it was pretty good! I have to say the pasta was—you know, fresh pasta's great. The sauces were pretty good. But the best part about it was, the name of the place? Past Food. [Jesse and John laugh.]
crosstalk
Jesse: Yeah, that rules. John: So dumb.
john
"Past Food." Ohhh, well. Anyway, Jared, yeah. Scissors are great.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
john
What else can you use scissors for in the kitchen, Jesse?
jesse
I mean... haircuts.
john
Yeah, that's right! I completely forgot about haircuts! The final step in the traditional making of a table-side Caesar salad. [Jesse and John laugh.]
jesse
That's how they do it at the Dal Rae here in Southern California.
john
Yeah. That's right.
jesse
The owner of the restaurant comes out and gives you a little haircut.
john
Yep! Takes a big wooden bowl, rubs it all over with a fresh-cut garlic clove...
jesse
The other thing is it's important to squish the anchovy with a mortar and pestle.
john
Yeah. You gotta mortal and pest the anchovy. You gotta put in a raw egg. Fresh black pepper. Freshly grated parmesan cheese. I think that's in a Caesar salad; let's say it is.
jesse
Yeah. Then all the waiters come around. They sing, [chanting] "Snip! Snip! Snip! Snip!"
john
[Laughs.] And I don't remember, Jesse, who gets the haircut?
jesse
The youngest person at the table.
john
The youngest person at the table. They sit back in their chair, and it's like getting your hair washed at the hairdresser. But instead of putting your head over the sink, it, like—it tilts back into the bowl. The salad bowl.
jesse
Bingo.
john
And you just get a little haircut snip! A little bowl cut. It's called—this is the original of the bowl cut. Did you know that? That's where the term comes from.
jesse
Ohhh! I did not know that.
john
Yeah.
jesse
But I can see it! They're also, at the Dal Rae, famous for their pepper steak.
john
[Laughs quietly.] What's the pepper steak at the Dal Rae steakhouse?
jesse
It's a steak. It's a ribeye.
john
Yeah.
jesse
Nicely—a prime steak, nicely marbled and aged.
john
Mm-hm.
jesse
Then they cover it in pepper.
john
Mm-hm.
jesse
And—[stifles laughter]—a little bit of arm hair.
john
[Bursts out laughing.] [Sighs.] Which is the one that has the leg shavings? The leg hair shavings?
jesse
Oh, that's the clams casino.
john
Oh. [Laughs.] Gross. This is really gross. I don't wanna talk about this anymore!
jesse
[Laughing] Believe it or not, I—when I came up with arm hair, I had an even grosser specific in mind.
john
I bet you did. [Jesse laughs.] But there are children listening. Sooo we'll just say... butt hair. [John, Jesse, and possibly Joel laugh.] You're welcome, parents. Enjoy the rest of your drive.
jesse
Let's take a quick break. More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
promo
Music: Upbeat, cheerful music plays in the background. Allie Goertz: Hi, I'm Allie Goertz! Julia Prescott: And I'm Julia Prescott. And we host— Both: —Round Springfield! Julia: Round Springfield is a new Simpsons podcast that is Simpsons-adjacent— Allie: Mm-hm. Julia: —um, in its topic. We talk to Simpsons writers, directors, voiceover actors, you name it, about non-Simpsons things that they've done. Because, surprise! They're all extremely talented. Allie: Absolutely. For example, David X. Cohen worked on The Simpsons, but then created a little show called Futurama! Julia: Mm-hm! Allie: That's our very first episode. Julia: Yeah! Allie: So tune in for stuff like that with Yeardley Smith, with Tim Long, with different writers and voice actors. It's gonna be so much fun, and we are every other week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts! [Music fades out.]
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
john
Hey, everybody! It's your Judge John Hodgman. Recently we had a great docket episode with the incredible Tre'vell Anderson as guest bailiff. Co-host of the great Maximum Fun podcast FANTI, which you should take a listen to. But it was a podcast that, uh, that prompted some letters. We often get some. But we did get a few letters around one particular case. This was between Andrea and her husband Shane. Shane likes to tickle Andrea, Andrea doesn't like it, and even when she tells him to not do it, he tries to still do it. And Tre'vell and I both endeavored to make very clear that this was not okay. That as with any question of touching another person's body, full and complete consent should be sought. And if it is not given, or if you are told to stop tickling someone, stop it. Stop it, Shane! We had a lot of conversation around that very serious message. But more than a few listeners felt that that message got a little lost in the conversation. So just to—in thanks to the listeners who wrote in, and to honor their concern, I just wanted to reiterate that. Shane, stop tickling Andrea. Don't touch another person's body without consent! Alright. Let's get back to the case.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse
Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We are clearing the docket this week.
john
Jesse, have you ever been in an abandoned hospital, or, like, research facility? [Jesse and John laugh.]
jesse
No, I can't say I have.
john
I have been—I have been! Because acting sometimes happens in them.
jesse
Sure!
john
And what—you know, I'm the star of the Tina Fey movie Baby Mama.
jesse
[Stifling laughter] Mm-hm. Yeah.
john
We did—[stifles laughter]—we did a long sequence in which Amy Poehler supposedly is giving birth, and we had to go, you know, three hours out of town to find an abandoned hospital to shoot this thing in. It was the most terrifying day of my life. Wandering around these empty surgical operating theaters. But then on the beloved and late and lamented The Tick, we worked—in 2018, Griffin Newman and I, and Peter Serafinowicz—we all did a bunch of days in an abandoned... I think it was an abandoned Pfizer lab. And there were—it was just, like, floors and floors of empty laboratories with the most bizarre signage on the creepiest doors. [Jesse laughs quietly.] So there would just be this deadpan sign that just would say, "Cold room." [Jesse and John laugh.] And then there would be a sign—I just took so many pictures when I was there, and I just found them in my phone thinking of this. There's a sign where it's just this panel, and there are one, two, three, four, five options. Each one has a—an emergency light that could be illuminated. [Stifles laughter.] And the options were: "Alarm." "Audible silence." [Stifles laughter.] Audible silence. That was an alarm. "Supervisory." Means nothing. And then "Security." But none of those were illuminated. Do you know—do you know which one was illuminated?
jesse
What was illuminated, John?
john
It just said, "Trouble."
jesse
[Laughs.] Right here in River City?!
john
Yeah! Right here in River City! That's why you need this McDLT.
jesse
How do they spell "Trouble"? Was it all lowercase?
john
No. It starts with a capital T, and that rhymes with P, and that stands for... "Proceed." [Jesse and John laugh.]
jesse
Uh, so David asks: "Which side of the road is the proper side to walk on when there's no sidewalk? I live in Altadena, California. It's a quasi-rural suburban part of Los Angeles where there are almost no sidewalks! I was taught as a child that if you're walking in the road, you walk against traffic, on the lefthand side, so that you can see the cars coming at you. I notice almost everyone else around walks with the traffic, on the right side of the road. The issue now is staying six feet apart from people. If I'm walking on the left side, and someone's walking towards me, who should cross the street to maintain distance? I just became a father, so I'm pushing a stroller. Doesn't feel safe to push the stroller back and forth across the street. Should I abandon my childhood training and just walk with the traffic?" First of all, John, before you get into the answer to this—
john
Yeah.
jesse
—I just wanna give a shout-out to Altadena, California. One of my kids goes to elementary school in Altadena, California. Or does when elementary schools exist. And I just wanna give a shout-out to a couple of my favorite Altadena, California businesses: Wellema Hat Company and McGinty's Gallery at the End of the World.
john
Uhhh—
jesse
That's just for—that's just for my Altadena people.
john
What is the hat company called? "Wooly the Hat Company"?
jesse
Wellema.
john
Oh—
jesse
It's run by my friend Cody Wellema. W-E-L-L-E-M-A. He makes hats!
john
That sounds awesome. What kind of hats does he make?
jesse
Beautiful ones! He's a real hatter.
john
Oh! And then the other place? The Gallery at the End of the World?
jesse
It's a combination antique store and art gallery, and it's run by my friend Ben. They're on the same block right there in Altadena, California.
john
And how can you have a curbside brick-and-mortar store if they don't have any sidewalks in Altadena? Is this person—
jesse
It is a commercial—it's a commercial block.
john
Okay.
jesse
So there are some. There are some, but the residential streets, he's—they're absolutely right. And this was terrifying to me, because, you know, my son's school has a curbside drop-off.
john
Mm-hm.
jesse
But you can only do that once your kid is, you know, in first grade maybe, let's say.
john
Right.
jesse
So you have to walk your kindergartener in, because otherwise they'll just space out and wander away from the school.
john
Mm-hm, sure.
jesse
And parking in the neighborhood—
john
That's their—that's a kindergartener's job. Space out and walk away.
jesse
Yeah. [Laughs.] And parking in the neighborhood and walking my son into his school, uh, was to me, a city dweller who's used to the mean streets of San Francisco and Los Angeles, absolutely terrifying. [Laughs.]
john
Right.
jesse
[Laughing] To be in this—in this bucolic suburb—
john
[Laughs.] And—
jesse
—was horrifying to me.
john
Yeah! No, I mean—there are very few sidewalks here in Maine. And yet people do need to walk along them, these roads, to get to where they're going. What is the rule of thumb in your growing up, Jesse, in terms of walking in the road? Right—you—you just aim for the center double yellow lines, and walk straight down that, right?
jesse
No, you can make kind of an S-curve, like evasive maneuver–style.
john
Oh. Right.
jesse
So you're swerving into the different lanes, keeping everybody on notice.
john
Got it, got it, got it. That way—to avoid snipers.
jesse
[Laughs.] Yeah.
john
Right.
jesse
My sincere experience is, uh, while certainly I have heard the, "You should walk on the lefthand side to face the traffic," or ride your bike on the lefthand side to face the traffic, from people who are excited to tell you about a counterintuitive thing... [John laughs.] ...generally my experience has been that people walk on the righthand side.
john
That, Jesse—I—you know, it may just be a regional difference, but Joel Mann? Here in Maine, do you walk with traffic or against traffic?
joel
I don't like to walk.
john
I know. [One or more people laugh quietly.] But let me put it this way. When you're driving, and you see a pedestrian...
joel
I honk my horn to get out the way.
john
Yeah, I—okay, I know. I know. [More quiet laughter.] But in which direction do you honk? Straight ahead of you? Or off into the other lane?
joel
I'll do it both ways.
john
What do you see out there in the roads, Joel?!
joel
Deer, moose...
john
Okay, that's enough. Shut it down. [Jesse and John laugh.] Shut it down. Joel!
joel
Yes, Judge.
john
What are the other community-supported freeform radio stations in this area? [Pause.] Or is this the only one?
joel
Stephen King has one that's pretty—
john
Stephen King has a radio station?
joel
Yeah! Yeah, he does. Maybe a couple. Yeah.
john
Yeah. Broadcast from the basement of an abandoned hospital, I'm sure? [Joel and Jesse laugh.]
jesse
He has a couple radio stations? Like James Brown in the seventies? [John laughs.]
joel
Yeah. He has a sports station, a, uh, alternative station, and a classic rock station.
jesse
No nightmare creature station? [Joel and John laugh.]
john
Does the classic rock station only play songs by the Rock Bottom Remainders? [Jesse bursts out laughing.] The cover band that he has with all of his author friends?
joel
No. No.
john
Hm.
joel
No.
jesse
You know, John, my late friend and mentor Kathi Kamen Goldmark founded that band.
john
Really?
jesse
Yeah! And I got to meet Amy Tan and Dave Barry—
john
Right!
jesse
—and many of the other members of that novelty band that played at book conventions for charity, featuring lots of famous authors. And my friend Kathy Kamen Goldmark. [Stifles laughter.]
john
That's right. Dave Barry, Stephen King, Amy Tan, Ridley Pearson, Scott Turow, Mitch Albom, Roy Blount Jr., Barbara Kingsolver—[laughs]—and honorary member Maya Angelou...
jesse
Yeah. [Laughs.] Maya Angelou was homies with my friend Kathi, and she said—Kathi told me this really great Maya Angelou story one time, which was Maya Angelou—[stifles laughter]—was calling in to one of those psychic hotlines? This is in the nineties, when psychic hotlines were really big.
john
I remember those.
jesse
[Stifling laughter] I hope I'm not besmirching the memory of the great Maya Angelou by telling this story, but...
john
Mm!
jesse
...it's a good one. So she was—she would call in to psychic hotlines all the time, and Kathi was like, "Maya, why are—like, you're an educated woman!" [Laughs.] "You know, you have 75 honorary doctorates. Why are you calling in to psychic hotlines?" And Maya Angelou said, in her, like, Maya Angelou voice, like, [briefly very dignified] "Well, Kathi..." Um—[laughs] she said, [back into the voice] "The first time I called, they said to me before I'd introduced myself—I'd only said my problems—'Well, Maya, we think you have this situation.' And so I know that they're really psychic." [Drops the voice.] [Stifling laughter] And Kathi said, "Do you think on the telephone there's anything distinctive about you, Maya Angelou?" [John and Jesse and/or Joel laugh.]
john
You think all those call-in psychics were tuned into Maya Angelou's voice?!
jesse
I think so. After she did the inauguration for Bill Clinton and everything.
john
Yeah, I guess [inaudible].
jesse
But Amy Tan in the Rock Bottom Remainders would dress up in full leather with, like, thigh-high boots, and do "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" with a whip. [John makes an appreciative "shhh" sound.] Amy Tan was a cool lady! Is a cool lady.
john
Yeah, absolutely. They played their last concert in 2012, at the annual conference of the American Library Association. And they also did a gig on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. The Rock Bottom Remainders. Stephen King said, "There's an audience out there, and the key is to kick it in the..." [Jesse laughs quietly.] Well, this is a family non-averse podcast, so I'll say, "There's an audience out there, and the key is to kick it in the butt hair." [Someone laughs quietly.]
jesse
I'll tell you—I have one other Rock Bottom Remainders anecdote, which is—that's family friendly.
john
I had no idea what door this was gonna open in your mind. I'm excited to see what is falling out of the hall closet of your mind at this moment. Go!
jesse
But this is very family friendly. So Kathi was romantically involved with Sam Barry, who also worked on the radio show that I worked on with both of them. And Sam is Dave Barry's brother.
john
Yeah.
jesse
And he's a really lovely man, and a minister, actually. A harmonica-playing minister.
john
Yeah.
jesse
And, uh—and so Dave Barry would be around sometimes, either as a guest on the show or just 'cause he was visiting his family, and he was hanging out. And if anyone like me, you know, spent the late eighties and early nineties reading Dave Barry books, and wondering if anyone could be so pleasant and gentle a funny dad as Dave Barry appeared to be, the answer is yes. Real life Dave Barry is just exactly like that. He's just a really lovely, pleasant man. [Stifles laughter.]
john
Oh, nice!
jesse
Yeah, he's so sweet and such a—such a dad goof. And just everything—everything you would hope he would be from Harry Anderson's iconic portrayal on Dave's World.
john
[Laughs quietly.] I—you know, I—I'd—I'd do almost anything—I'm looking forward to a time when there are concerts again. I'd love to see these Rock Bottom Remainders play again. But I guess the point I'm saying—like, Stephen King has radio stations, Joel?
joel
That's correct, Judge.
john
With recording facilities?
joel
I've never visited one personally.
john
I was gonna say, why—why am I here when I could be— [Jesse or Joel laughs.] —when I could be doing the night shift at W...
joel
KIT.
john
KIT, is that what it is?
joel
That's his rock—classic rock station, yeah.
john
Oh. ...King Industries Telecom?
joel
Something like that.
john
Alright.
joel
He's very good to us, though. We work with him.
john
Oh, okay.
joel
Yeah.
john
Are you guys all—it's all—it's like the two-party system up here.
joel
Well, we—
john
There is no difference between them. It's all—you're all one organization.
joel
On—we had a—
john
All the independent radio... [Joel or Jesse laughs quietly.] It's an independent radio mafia.
joel
That's it, yeah. Yeah.
john
I can't get out of this situation.
joel
Yeah.
john
There's nowhere else for me to go. I'm locked in.
joel
No. You couldn't go up there.
john
Alright. I guess I'm gonna have to continue to record here. Even though you were very unhelpful to me just then! [Joel or Jesse laughs quietly.] Just say—you know what I'm asking you, Joel! What side of the road do people walk on when they're walking down the road in Maine? [Joel sighs.] Against traffic, or with traffic?
joel
I'd say against.
john
Against traffic!
joel
Yeah. Yep. Yep. Or with it. One or the other.
john
[Laughs.] Okay. That's—alright. Thanks. Thanks a lot, Joel. [Laughs quietly.] I would say that it is more co—let me say this. I agree with David. That I was also brought up to believe that when you are walking on a sidewalk-less road, for pleasure, exercise, or mere transportation from point A to B, that you walk against traffic. Obviously far to the left of the road, so that you will see cars and make way for them. And they will see you! And I think that that is the right way to do it. I did not know in Altadena—I don't know why they're doing this in Altadena. And I think that it's a problem! Because there was one time when we were—my wife and I were walking on these Maine roads. And a car was coming. And I crossed to the other side to get out of its way. But my wife did the right thing and just moved off to the side of the road. And the driver slowed down and yelled at both of us. "Pick a side!" [Jesse, John, and possibly Joel laugh.] So I think that consistency is the critical issue here. You don't wanna be presenting a surprise to drivers. And while I don't think walking on the righthand side of the road with traffic is safer—in fact I think it's less safe than walking against traffic, even though walking against traffic is scary. It's all scary. If it is the regional custom that people are walking on the righthand side, I think you should join—join that crew. And I think, you know, don't wear headphones, so you—a car can't sneak up behind you. Maybe mount a rearview mirror on your stroller. I'm sure those exist. Or mount a GoPro on your shoulder facing backwards that feeds directly to your phone that you mount—I don't know. Just make sure you've got your back covered.
john
And as to your social distancing question, David, this will also solve the same problem. If the custom is to walk on the righthand side, you walk with the flow, and people won't be coming towards you. And you won't be having to get out of their way.
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john
Any way you slice it, however, it sounds terrifying. Altadena sounds terrifying, Jesse. Is it terrifying?
jesse
[Laughs quietly.] Nah, it's dope.
john
Alright.
jesse
Shout-out to Hughes Estate Sales. My man Todd Hughes. Shout-out to the Party Masters. That's just a storefront that I see all the time. I think there's—no one works there anymore, but it says that they have records and tapes. But I've never seen it open.
john
That sounds like a fun parking lot to spend the night in.
jesse
[Laughs.] Heck yeah! Let's kick it at Party Masters!
john
[Laughs.] Party Masters sounds great!
jesse
Here's something from Kate: "I've started listening to the podcast Election Profit Makers."
john
Yaaay.
jesse
Shout-out to David and Starlee and all them. "And have joined the betting site they use, PredictIt. I'm considering betting on Trump and a small assortment of other republican candidates, though I'm a democrat. My rationalization is this. I work many hours volunteering for democratic campaigns and groups like Fair Fight 2020. We contribute many dollars to these causes, as well. If Biden loses the election, I'll be devastated beyond words. I want just a small silver lining. My husband thinks this is a terrible idea. He says I'm betting against everything good and right. Any winnings would be dirty money. He also thinks it's a jinx. Am I wrong here? Should I put all my money where my mouth is and go full blue?"
john
Hm. Yeah, so, for those of you who don't know, Election Profit Makers is a podcast that is made by our friends and colleagues Starlee Kine, David Rees, and David's old friend from Chapel Hill, Jon Kimball. Jon Kimball is not only a guy who socked away a nest egg squatting on domain names in the nineties. True story. Incredible. [Someone laughs quietly.] Gotta listen to the special Election Profit Makers about the go-go days of registering Homework.com, only to get a lot of money for it later. But also he's really into this website called PredictIt.org, which is—you've probably read about it. It's the kind of virtual stock market–like betting or investment website where you are not investing in financial outcomes, but political outcomes. So you might set up an account with 20 bucks and invest 20—you know, buy 20 shares of... an—the—a market might be, "Will Donald Trump be the next president?" And if you feel that that outcome is good, you could buy "Yes" at whatever the market is selling that for with your $20, and buy X number of shares, and then sell them later if the price goes up. Or dump 'em if the price goes down. And Election Profit Makers is a great podcast about that. It's a lot of fun. I just listened to an episode today. I encourage you to check it out. But it comes up quite a bit as to whether you are going to treat your portfolio as an analysis of people's shifting political fortunes, and you're making bets based on what you think are likely outcomes in order to make money, and have the pleasure of guessing correctly. Or whether you're gonna use it, as they call it, as a wishing well. Like, "I really don't want this person to be the next governor. So I'm gonna put all of my money in 'No' and hope that that outcome will happen."
john
Both approaches are fine! I mean, it's your money. Uh, and I appreciate—I mean, I get why Kate's husband feels hinky about... investing in a presidential candidate that he does not want to win. It feels like you're—it feels like a vote! It feels like you're rooting for the—for a side you dislike. But I disagree with Kate's husband in the magical thinking that somehow the way Kate invests her money in this hobby stock market is going to affect the outcome in any way! I went back—I was thinking about this lately. Like, I always knew that I was gonna vote for Barack Obama. Both before and after the primary. I was never gonna vote for John McCain in 2008, for all kinds of reasons. 'Cause of my core values. And yet, you know, I joined with a lot of Americans in feeling that—[stifles laughter]—aside from some very, very serious policy disputes and, in my feeling, immoral choices that he made in terms of public policy—I joined with a lot of Americans in feeling like he seems like—he seems like an okay, cranky grandpa. Who could probably be, uh, an okay president. But then I realized I—that was not true. Because he was talking about how when he—you know, he had won the New Hampshire primary in the year 2000. Lost the nomination to George W Bush. In 2008, he made a big point about carrying a lucky feather with him throughout the day on the New Hampshire primary day. Because that was the same lucky feather he had in his pocket when he won the primary before.
john
And I had a lot of problems with this. One... what kind—what's a lucky feather? If you want a luck charm, lucky coin? Lucky rabbit's foot? Kind of gross, but it's a thing. No one has a lucky feather. That's weird. You see a—a feather is like, something you wanna just flick off your fingers. And two... This world is not ruled by magic! [Stifles laughter.] I don't want—I don't want a president who believes—who is superstitious, who believes in magic! This world is ruled by some—a much more terrifying and awesome power, which is chaos barely shifting in certain broad directions over generations, not by incantations but by hard work among groups of dedicated people. Kate's betting on Donald Trump in the PredictIt fake stock market is not a jinx. That's not going to affect anything. And similarly, the winnings would not be cursed money. Because there's no such thing as a curse! Kate's trying to protect herself emotionally if her candidate, Joe Bi—and I can say, though others on this podcast cannot state their political affiliations, I can say, personally, speaking only for myself, Joe Biden is my chosen candidate. Surprise! But if Joe Biden were to not win the election, it would be a small consolation to win 25 bucks off of PredictIt. But at least Kate will know, "Oh, I made this bet to console myself early on."
john
But the most important thing is that not only does Kate get to spend her money however she wants to spend it, Kate's husband, but also, Kate's husband? The only thing that's gonna "jinx," quote-unquote, the outcome of this election is you, Kate, all of us, not doing everything we can to work for the outcome that we want. I mean, there's no magic to this fake, phony stock market. There's no magic in this world. There's only the effort that we put in. That will affect the outcome. Not Kate's phony-baloney investment. I rule in favor of Kate, obviously. And just to remind everyone that as of this recording, we're some 95-plus days out from election day, which will happen on November 3rd, no matter what, I guarantee it! I'm gonna make a bet. I'm gonna make a bet on PredictIt right now. I'm gonna win big. Everyone's worried that it's gonna be delayed. Can't be. It's not gonna be delayed. It's not gonna be delayed! There's no time to do the legislation. Let's just keep doing the work, as we go towards that day. Work for your candidates. Work for your issues. Walk in the streets, masked and safely, in protest of injustice and indecency. Do the work. Don't bother Kate about her fun, secret investing portfolio. Do the work.
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jesse
Sorry. I—you know. I'm an NPR host. I—I don't have any opinions about politics. And also I kinda spaced out. I was betting $100,000 on the Los Angeles Dodgers to win the World Series.
john
[Laughs quietly.] It's gonna come true!
jesse
I just wanna have a little silver lining.
john
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I do need to clarify that when I say superstition is pointless and there's no magic in the world, I meant specifically the world of politics. In the world of sports, there's only magic. [Stifles laughter.] Yeah. Absolutely, yeah.
jesse
Yeah! Yeah, I mean, or I wouldn't be wearing this colorful magnetic necklace if it weren't true! [John laughs, Jesse stifles laughter.]
john
I mean, I—
jesse
I mean, technically that's science.
john
Yeah. I know that the Pittsburgh Penguins lost to the other hockey team on that one hockey game that I ever went to because I put on my Hartford Whalers hat. I know that I caused that to happen. I disappointed a stadium half-full of Pittsburgh fans 'cause I changed my hat. I know it. So, yeah. Kate's husband, you—go bring your superstition where it counts. Bring your spells, and your curses, and your hopes and your wishes and your jinxes, over to sports.
jesse
Let's take a quick break. When we come back we'll hear a case about grocery lists, and an update from the litigants of episode 402, "Double Histameanor." (Histamine + Misdemeanor.)
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[Three gavel bangs.]
promo
Music: Fun, upbeat music. Dave Hill: Hi! I'm Dave Hill. From before. And I'm very excited to bring Dave Hill's Podcasting Incident back to Maximum Fun, where it belongs! You can get brand new episodes every Friday on MaximumFun.org. Or, you know, wherever. And what my partner Chris Gersbeck and I might lack in specific subject matter on our podcast, we make up for in special effects! Chris, add something cool. Right here! [Gunshot or whip snap.] Also, we have explosions! [Explosion.] Animal noises. [A goat braying.] And sometimes, even this! [Two comedic timpani "boings," a springier "sproing" sound, and what sounds like a human scream.] Dave Hill's Podcasting Incident! Every Friday on Maximum Fun. Chris, do another explosion right here. [Another explosion, right here.] [Music stops.]
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse
It's Judge John Hodgman. We're taking a quick break from clearing the docket. We're in chambers. What have you got going on, John?
john
Well, Jesse, first of all I just wanna say thank you once again to all of the listeners who stepped up for us during MaxFunDrive. It was a really wonderful experience, just seeing people talking about Maximum Fun, never mind supporting if they were able. This is just to say that my offer to mis-pronounce the names of people who upgraded or joined at the Leadership Squad level or above, um, that was a true offer! You—the response was overwhelming. [Laughs.] I'm beyond whelmed. So I'm not done mis-pronouncing those names yet. I will get to everyone who sent in their receipt before the end of MaxFunDrive. I'm going in order of their receipt. So thanks for your patience, as I very happily mis-pronounce your names with deep, deep gratitude! I should also say that tomorrow is a Thursday, if you're listening to this on the day when we normally drop our Judge John Hodgman podcast. Usually we release the show on Wednesday. That means tomorrow's a Thursday. That's how time works. And if it's Thursday, that means it's time for the name-redacted short form animated show that David Rees and I made for FXX, specifically for Cake. FXX's half-hour block of weird, short, animated and live action, uh, weirds. Our show, which—the name of which I do not say on this podcast, due to the fact that children might be listening—has gotten a lot of great response from people who have been enjoying it and sharing it, and I'm grateful to you. We're into our final few episodes, and if you have not had a chance to check it out, I can now tell you that there is a easy way to go directly to Hulu and get all of the episodes, not merely compiled in one place, but also outside of the Cake format.
john
We love Cake. Cake is what gave us our shot to put this thing in, but if you watch Cake, you're seeing a lot of great short form stuff with our stuff sort of sprinkled through it. If you wanna see a full episode, without any interruptions, of our show, all you have to do now is go to Hulu and search for the name of the show. The name of which I will not say, because of the family friendly nature of our show. But I will say that there is a short form URL that was randomly assigned that sends you directly to the Hulu page. Randomly assigned from—by Bitly. B-I-T dot L-Y slash Dicktown. I don't know where they got that crazy name! [John and Jesse laugh.] But now that we're in the home stretch, I might as well tell you, go to Bit.ly—please—go to Bit.ly/dicktown. All small letters. If you would like to see an unnamed show starring me and David Rees. We really loved making it, and we really wanna make sure everyone has a chance to see it if they want to. Bit.ly/dicktown. Jesse, what's going on with you?
jesse
Well, we're having a contact-free super sale in the Put This On Shop. So you can go to PutThisOnShop.com and shop—I think a lot of folks presume it's a vintage clothing store. We do have some vintage clothing, but it's mostly things you might wanna give as a gift. You wanna give someone a silver pen, or buy something special to put on your curio shelf, or for your home, like a... a new old pocket knife, or a little tiny silver shopping bag, or all kinds of things for men and women, including a number of handmade Japanese cotton bandanas with hand-rolled eges. All that is at PutThisOnShop.com. And if you use the code "summer sale", you get 40% off everything except for the fine jewelry. So you—you can't use it on the gold, but, uh, "summer sale" for 40% off everything else in the entire store. Vintage pins with flags on them from 110 years ago. How about a birthday pin for somebody who's having a birthday? How about a set of cufflinks for somebody who's celebrating a wedding or an anniversary or something? It's all at PutThisOnShop.com, and you can use the code "summer sale" for 40% off everything except the fine jewelry. Now let's get back to the docket.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse
Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket this week, and here is something from Dave: "My partner Kara and I take turns grocery shopping. We use an app on our phones to update a shared grocery list. It's a digital checklist where each line item has a checkbox next to it. When you check the box, the line disappears. I prefer input—"
john
Dave. Dave! You don't need to explain it to me, I use this thing too! This is awesome. Go.
jesse
"I prefer to input my items one per line, so that they can be checked off as they go in the cart. Kara prefers to list multiple items on one line that pertain to a recipe. A single line input of hers will read: 'Smoothie stuff. Pineapple, kale, carrots, bananas, etc.,' and so on."
john
Ugh. Ugh. Oh no.
jesse
"Who is using the checklist correctly? Who's driving their partner insane—"
john
DAVE!
jesse
"—when they pull up the shared list at the store, and have to stand awkwardly by the money cheese island for ten minutes, separating out all the recipe items into their own individual lines."
john
Dave, you're correct! Kara, you're wrong! That's easy.
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[Three gavel bangs.]
john
Next question.
jesse
Yeah. That one's bananas.
john
That one's not just bananas! ...It's pineapple, kale, carrots, bananas! Look. [Stifles laughter.] Uh, there is a way within—I know the app that you're talking about. And I'm gonna tell you right now it's an Apple product. And I'm happy to advertise for it, or any Apple products, for any reason! Call me, Apple! I wanna be—I wanna come back! But you don't have to—you can create subheadings within that app. And if I were you, I would show Kara how to do it. Or spend some time, as I might do, reorganizing the whole list in order of where you're going to encounter this stuff in the store. Just spend some time with the desktop version of the app to make sure to separate all that stuff out. 'Cause Kara's never gonna—I can tell you, Kara's never gonna change. She thinks she's making a shopping list the old way! This is the new way, Kara.
jesse
So we have something from Britton, from episode 402, "Double Histameanor." This was a, uh—this was an allergy-related case, as I recall.
john
Yes, that's right.
jesse
A couple with some significant allergies.
john
Well, and Britton, I think, in particular, had some cat and avocado allergies.
jesse
[Stifling laughter] The classic combo. [John and Jesse laugh.]
john
Yep. It's called Britton's Dyad. Classically presents. [Jesse laughs.] Allergic to both cats and avocados. So what's going on with them?
clip
Britton: Hi, Mr. Judge and Mr. Bailiff. This is Britton. Jackson: And Jackson! Britton: [Stifles laughter.] From the "Double Histameanor" episode. We just wanted to send an update to you guys because Jackson and I ended up adopting a puppy about a month ago. Jackson: His name is Archie.
john
Hm!
clip
Jackson: He's named kind of ironically, but mostly unironically, after Riverdale star KJ Apa's rendition of Archie from the Archie comics. He's a perfect little Australian Cattle mix that can jump higher than Britton. Britton: He would definitely eat a cat if one ever crossed his path. And besides that, my allergies have gotten exponentially worse, so we definitely won't be adopting a cat any time soon. Hope you all are doing well and staying safe with everything going on in this weird reality.
jesse
They've sent in some photographs of Archie, some adorable photographs of Archie. What a beautiful pup, and a—and a real doofus. [John laughs.] He's got a real doofus face. It's immensely charming to me.
john
I know it's not my job to laugh at animal pictures on his podcast, but this is a delight. [Fondly] You dumb dog.
jesse
Yeah. These'll be on our Instagram at Instagram.com/judgejohnhodgman. Aw, man, look at this guy. Look at those beautiful eyes. Okay, the docket's clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our producer is Jennifer Marmor. You can follow us on Twitter at @JesseThorn and at @hodgman. We're on Instagram at @judgejohnhodgman. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman Tweets #JJHo, and check out the MaxFun subreddit to discuss this week's episode! Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org/jjho, or you can email hodgman@maximumfun.org. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
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[Three gavel bangs.]
music
A cheerful guitar chord.
speaker 2
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
Artist owned—
speaker 4
—audience supported.
About the show
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