TRANSCRIPT Judge John Hodgman Ep. 443: Daylight Savings Crime

This week, Daylight Savings Crime. Kari files suit against her husband Joshua. Kari and Joshua had solar panels installed on their house in July of 2019. Since then, Joshua has been monitoring their solar production and is actively trying to make the household more energy efficient. Kari believes that Joshua’s interest in energy efficiency has gotten out of hand. Joshua would like the whole family to get on board with his energy saving goals. Guest bailiff Ify Nwadiwe Who Shot Ya? at Maximumfun.org and Nerdificent Podcast fills in for Jesse Thorn. You can follow him on twitter @IfyNwadiwe, and send him DIY film fest recommendations.

Podcast: Judge John Hodgman

Episode number: 443

Transcript

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[Three gavel bangs.]

ify nwadiwe

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Guest Bailiff Ify Nwadiwe from Who Shot Ya? on MaximumFun.org. This week: "Daylight Savings Crime." Kari files suit against her husband Joshua. Kari and Joshua had solar panels installed on their house in July of 2019. Since then, Joshua has been monitoring their solar production and is actively trying to make the household more energy efficient. Kari believes that Joshua's interest in energy efficiency has gotten out of hand. Josh would like the whole family to get on board with his energy savings goal.

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[As Ify speaks below: Door opens, chairs scrape on the floor, footsteps.]

ify

Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

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[Door shuts.]

john hodgman

Our people, Bruce. You laugh at them. They can do this, and you laugh. They can split the very fabric of reality, blast a hundred thousand tons of sand into the sky. They are tiny and stupid and vicious, but please listen to them. Please. I am slow and dying. I need only reach the sun. I've always loved you, though I was born a galaxy away. I've always served you. The same power, the sun's power, fuels us both. You hold it here. You store it. I beg you, for a suffering world... release it. Guest Bailiff Ify Nwadiwe, can you please swear the litigants in?

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[As Ify speaks below: Chairs scrape.]

ify

Kari and Joshua, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever?

kari

I do.

joshua

I do.

ify

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that you were probably expecting Jesse Thorn, but instead you got one sexy, buff, chocolatey podcaster instead?

kari

I do!

joshua

I do.

ify

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

john

Kari and Joshua, you may be seated.

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[Chairs scrape.]

john

Sexy, buff, chocolatey podcaster! [Ify laughs.] Ify Nwadiwe joins us as today's guest bailiff. You might know Ify from another Maximum Fun show, the excellent movie podcast called Who Shot Ya? And if you don't know that show and you don't know Ify... come on! You're making a mistake. He also holds the Nerdificent podcast with Dani Fernandez, in which they take a deep dive into a different nerdy subject each week. And because Oh Bailiff, My Bailiff Jesse Thorn is feeling a little poorly in his tum-tum, Ify jumped in, saving the day like a superhero to guest bailiff this episode of Judge John Hodgman podcast! Thank you so much, Ify. I'm so glad you're here.

ify

Oh, I'm happy to be here! Got this cool police outfit... that I'm wearing.

john

[Laughs.] You should know this is a totally non-visual medium.

ify

[Laughs.] Yeah, well, you know. Just imagine it, listeners. It's real tight!

john

[Laughs.] Yeah. Awesome! You were listening along to the cultural reference. You can make a guess too, if you feel like it, Ify. But for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours' favors, can either you, Kari, or you, Joshua, or you, Ify, name the piece of culture I referenced when I entered the courtroom? Kari, why don't we start with you?

kari

One of the Batman movies?

john

One of the Batman movies! Valid guess. You wanna take a shot at which one? Could be any of them, so long as it is The Dark Knight. [Laughs.] Which is the Batman movie as far as I'm concerned.

kari

That's the one I was gonna say actually, yeah.

john

We'll put in The Dark Knight. Now, Joshua, your turn. What's your guess?

joshua

It's gotta have something to do with Leonardo DiCaprio. I don't know what, but it sounds like something he'd be involved in.

john

I'm sorry, am I talking to Joshua, or Martin Scorsese? [Everyone laughs.] Why? Why does it have to have anything to do with Leonardo DiCaprio? There are other actors in the world, Mr. Scorsese! Why?! Why is it always Leonardo DiCaprio?

joshua

I mean its energy, it's Leonardo DiCaprio. It's something good. Whatever you said, I really liked it, so I'm guessing Leonardo had some part to play in it.

john

Well, I think I can already rule on this case. [John and the litigants laugh.] Should—should we even continue? I know that Leonardo DiCaprio is a listener to this podcast. I don't know that. I hope that's true. Look, he's a very talented actor. But he doesn't have to be in every Martin Scorsese movie. Right, Ify?

ify

No, not at all! You know? [Kari laughs.] Even though I do want the Leonardo cut of Taxi Driver. [John laughs.] See what he does with it.

john

How many reboots of Taxi Driver can we get in 2019? We already got one!

ify

Yeah! [Laughs.] We sure did. I'm ready for another; let's buckle up.

john

Yeah. Ify and I, we're movie buffs. We're talking about Joker; it's just a—it's a Taxi Driver/King of Comedy mashup, right?

ify

Yeah! That's exactly what we said on the pod.

john

Who Shot Ya?, your podcast about movies that everyone should be listening to!

ify

Oh, yeah.

john

I'm not stealing your idea, though. I got that idea because at the Alamo Drafthouse—we're gonna—Kari and Joshua, we're gonna give you true justice in a moment— [Ify laughs.] —but we've gotta talk about Joker for a second. My son is 14 years old, and I took him to see Joker 'cause it had to happen. He did not understand the context in which this movie was made. [Ify laughs.] He did not understand the director's really dumb comments about "Who can be funny in this age of PC wokeness?" or whatever. He did not understand that it was a celebration of a... incel— [Ify and John laugh.] —creep. He just knew it was the Joker! And he's got good taste in movies, and at the Alamo Drafthouse in downtown Brooklyn, which is where I like to see the movies if not at the Nighthawk Pavilion, [stifles laughter] they knew what was going on! 'Cause before the movie they showed the trailer for King of Comedy, and then they showed the trailer for Taxi Driver! The original trailers!

ify

[Laughs.] Those—yeah, those are some cinema nerds. They're like "Oh, we got you."

john

Yeah! And my son, I felt him during the trailer for Taxi Driver lean in. Like, just lean forward. [Ify laughs.] Like, just lean forward! Watching it, rapt. And then he turned to me and he said "Why have you never shown me this movie?" [Ify bursts out laughing.] [Stifling laughter] And I—it's been a long time since I've seen Taxi Driver, but I think I have some memories of why I would not show it to someone—

ify

[Laughing] Yeah!

john

—when they were 10 or 11 or 12. Fourteen? I have to go back and take a look. But I was happy because clearly he was responding to the moviemaking.

ify

Yeah.

john

Even in the trailer. [Stifles laughter.] And that's why after he saw Joker, he's like "What'd you think?" I was like "It wasn't as bad as I thought." And he goes "That was the greatest movie I've ever seen." [Ify laughs.] I'm like, "Augh, I know! 'Cause I didn't show you Taxi Driver! [Laughing] That's my failure as a father! I didn't show you Taxi Driver when you were nine!"

ify

[Laughs.] "We gotta sit down and watch this." Yeah, see, you just gotta jump on that. I've shown my three-year-old daughter Monster's Ball already. [John bursts out laughing.] Had to get her to drink that in.

john

Joshua and Kari, do you have children?

kari

Yes. Two.

john

How old are they, if I may ask?

kari

Fifteen and eleven.

john

Do you guys wanna have a Taxi Driver party with my son? [Multiple people laugh.] I don't know how much energy the TV soaks up in your household, whether you're allowed to watch movies anymore. [Kari and Joshua or Ify laughs.] 'Cause I know you're trying to conserve energy. You have to show your kids stuff that's a little bit above their pay grade, I think!

joshua

Mm-hm!

john

Gotta be open to showing stuff that challenges them. But in any case, alright. So Ify, did you have a guess for the cultural reference or no?

ify

I'm on Team Kari already and I'm thinking it's Batman. But I think it's the Tim Burton Batman.

john

Think it's the Tim Burton Batman. I'm so excited by your guesses, 'cause they're all wrong. [Ify laughs.] But they're all pretty close! It's 'cause I said Bruce at the top, right?

kari

Mm-hm.

crosstalk

John: Was that it? Kari: Yeah. Ify: Oh, yeah.

john

You know what it's from? It's from a comic book called The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller, Klaus Jansen, and Lin Varley. It's Superman's monologue after he stops—

joshua

Mm.

john

—the nuclear weapon, and it blasts sand up in the sky and he's blocked off from the sun. 'Cause he's survived a full-on nuclear explosion. Flying desperately to try to get to the sun, 'cause that is the source of—the yellow sun of Earth, our planet—

kari

Mm-hm.

john

—his adopted planet, is what gives him his powers!

ify

Ah!

john

And even though Frank Miller is a problematic person politically...

ify

Mm-hm. [Laughs.]

john

He went through some stuff. I think he's very ill now.

ify

Oh.

john

But I think that he's kind of come around a little bit. I've read some interviews lately where he's like "Yeah, I was going through some hard things and I said some things that I shouldn't have said."

ify

Oh!

john

I don't think he's made full amends for the bad work that he put out after 9/11, but this is still an important part of comics storytelling.

ify

Yeah.

john

Do you feel okay about me including it, Ify? I'm—yes or no?

ify

Yeah, yeah, yeah! I mean, Dark Knight 2 is like a very integral—speaking of Joker, they borrowed one of the scenes from The Dark Knight.

john

That shot of him smoking a cigarette off to the side of the TV show.

ify

Yeah.

john

Is a direct reference to an illustration from that. So anyway, yeah. There you go! Are we still doing this? Yes, we are. [Multiple people laugh.] It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Mashed up with Who Shot Ya? Movie talk and justice talk— [Ify laughs.] —with me, Ify, and Joshua and Kari. Kari, you bring the case to this court. Tell us the nature of the dispute and what the problem is.

kari

Like you said, we got solar panels in July of this year. They were installed. I was very excited. And Josh... was very excited. [John laughs quietly.] And never stopped talking about it! He would check the meters like once an hour. [John laughs louder, Kari stifles laughter.] And come in and report how much production the solar panels were doing, and let me know about it. And then he would change things around the house, unplug different appliances and then go check the meters again and see if it made any effect. And then he'd run around the house and—it was fun for a while to watch, but then it just got a little overwhelming. [Laughs.]

john

And where do you live?

kari

In Minneapolis.

john

Oh! So that's interesting, 'cause you have these solar panels, and yet you have no sunshine. [Everyone laughs.]

kari

Yeah. [Laughs.] Last night Josh said "Oh, we just lost another hour of sun!"

john

I know! As we're recording this it's just a day or two after we fell back, and you lost an hour of precious, weak— [Joshua quietly groans and laughs.] —middling northern sun up there in Minnesota.

joshua

Yes.

john

I'm being facetious, of course. [Kari laughs quietly.] I love Minneapolis, St. Paul. I recently visited there and had a great time. But it is a cold, dark place in the winter. When the sun shines it shines hard! And it shines hard upon your panels, Joshua! What inspired you to install the panels? How did you go about doing it? In case some listeners wanna do it. And then we'll talk a little bit more about your mania.

joshua

Yeah! So I've just always been a environmentalist and wanted to kind of take it to the next level, and we looked at panels for a while and there was a company All Energy Solar that—you know, puts them in in Minneapolis, and they came over, they looked at the house. It wasn't gonna work on the house, but then they said "You know what? Your garage gets a lot of sun."

john

Uh-huh.

joshua

I said "Let's do it. Let's get 'em up on the garage." So they put 'em up there and they said "This should provide you two thirds of your electricity," and I said "Well, that's great, [stifles laughter] but I want it to provide 100%" and that's the goal I've been going at ever since.

john

[Laughs.] Well, if the solar panel company says "This is gonna provide two thirds of your electricity..." [The litigants laugh.] I mean, it's their job. [Laughs.]

joshua

We have to come in with the consumption part! They got us two thirds of the way, and I'll bring us the other third with great ideas around the house. And so that's what I'm working on right now.

john

You're talking about reducing your consumption of electricity so that it zeroes out.

joshua

Correct.

john

So when we had a home in western Massachusetts—and it's a little hard for me to say that in the past tense, but it's true; it's in the past now—our dear neighbors the LeBlancs, Dave and Cindy and Aaron, they installed solar panels on their house. But basically they were selling the electricity that they were generating to the power company, who was then crediting their account.

joshua

Mm-hm.

john

Is that how it works for you?

joshua

Yeah, so basically when we're producing more energy than we need, we're basically selling it back to the electric company.

john

Got it.

joshua

And then when—obviously when we're not able to produce enough, then the company sends us their electricity.

john

Right. So you're not just hoarding it all for yourself.

joshua

[Laughs.] Correct.

john

So my question is, maybe the two thirds is part of the deal, right? Maybe the power company wants a third of that—of the solar energy that you're collecting. To sell to other consumers.

joshua

Yeah, I'm not sure. What I do know is that the closer I can get to zero, the happier I feel. [He and John laugh.]

john

So—

joshua

I can say that much.

john

I have a feeling that our listeners are less interested in the mechanics of solar energy production and resale... [Joshua and/or Ify laugh.] ...and more interested in your feelings. So let's talk about them. You've sent in some evidence, some photographic evidence, both of you have. All these photos can be seen at the Judge John Hodgman page at MaximumFun.org, or on our Instagram account at @judgejohnhodgman, all one word, all small letters. Including evidence submitted by Kari, but to the point of this discussion, a photo of your energy and solar meters, the ones that you like to check. Tell me about what I'm seeing in this photograph on the side of the house, Kari.

kari

There's two meters.

john

Right.

kari

One is like our energy meter, our consumption, and one is our production.

john

Okay.

kari

So you can see by looking at those meters how much energy the panels are producing and how much we're using as a household.

john

And is that a real-time measure, Joshua? Like, what's the measurement unit?

joshua

Yeah, it's very real. Yep. [Kari laughs.]

john

[Stifling laughter] Oh!

joshua

Yeah. It—you know, if the direction arrow's going to the left, that means you're producing. If it's going to the right it means you're consuming, and it shows the numbers right there in real time for you to see like, in the moment, how you're doing.

john

And so when you go out there, like, what's a readout that would make you happy? What would that look like? Numbers? Arrows? I don't understand.

joshua

Yeah, it'd be both. The arrow is going to the left. That's my first indicator that I'm gonna have a smile on my face, 'cause that means we're producing.

john

Uh-huh.

joshua

If I'm not seeing a big difference between kind of how much we've consumed and what we're producing, then I'm also happy. You know, the closer those numbers are the happier I am. So I look at two numbers, and then the direction that the arrow's going.

john

So Kari also sent in a photo that she took of you looking at these meters. [Joshua or Ify laughs.] It's something of a creep shot, Kari, I have to say. [Kari and Joshua and/or Ify laugh.] Like, you could have gone outside with him. [Laughs.] But instead this is a photo from inside the house. Taking a photo through the window of Joshua looking at the meters. The window itself is strategically situated so that we cannot see if he is smiling or scowling. So I don't know what he's seeing at this moment. I do see that he's wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt, for which I will make no comment. [Joshua laughs.]

ify

I do wanna point out that it's the Grateful Dead shirt with the like, lightning bolt on it. So it could just be a sign of his fanaticism for electricity and not necessarily the band itself. [John and/or Joshua laughs.] And you know, just wanted to put that out for you, Your Honor.

john

Joshua does not require your excuses. [John and Joshua and/or Ify laugh.] He likes what he likes, and he likes the Grateful Dead! Right, Joshua?

joshua

Very much.

crosstalk

John: Very much! Ify: Huh! Well, okay! John: Yeah. Joshua: Mm-hm.

john

And I also see a variety of pillar candles on the windowsill, which to me suggests that Joshua prefers that you don't use electricity at all in order to make him happy. [Kari laughs.] Kari, does—do I—does that reflect what I'm seeing pretty accurately?

kari

Pretty accurately, yeah. Yeah. [Laughs.]

john

Tell us again how often Joshua is out there staring at his meters?

kari

Well, it has decreased since the summer. But in the summer it was like, once an hour.

john

Is that true?

kari

I'm not—I'm not lying. [Laughs.]

john

Once an hour? What are you doing all day, Joshua? Do you have a job?

joshua

[Stifling laughter] Not in the summertime, no. [Kari laughs.] My—that kind of is my summer job, to make sure that the production is what we need it to be. [John laughs.] Yep.

john

Do you work in education?

joshua

Yeah. I'm a social worker at an elementary school.

john

Oh, that's awesome! Fantastic. And Kari, what do you do all day, if I may ask?

kari

I'm a teacher.

john

Oh, wonderful! Joshua, do you feel that going out once an hour... is helpful to your cause?

joshua

What I like to do are things that bring me joy. And if I go out there and it makes me happy, then yeah! It is helpful! Yeah! Right now, it's—you know, it's getting wintertime. I'm not out there as much. But you know, everything—when I go out there and I see good numbers, I get happy.

john

Right.

joshua

And I wanna come in and share it with Kari, and kinda let her know that like, we're doing good! And so it brings me joy, it makes me happy, so I'm gonna share!

john

What was the best hour? What was the outcome that you were the happiest about? Was it just the—that it was really sunny and you were producing a lot? Or was there a situation where you were doing some A/B testing and you realized that if you unplugged every electric device, that you could zero out?

joshua

I think a little bit of both. I think when I realized like, "Oh yeah, most of the appliances I don't even need to think about, 'cause they don't take up much electricity." But for example the laundry, the dryer? Just crushes electricity, and I could start hanging clothes. That brought me more joy than like, anything else. That made me really happy to hang clothes in the back yard, hang 'em in the basement. It like—that brought me a lot of joy.

jesse thorn

Let's take a quick recess. We'll be back in just a moment on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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[Three gavel bangs.]

promo

Music: Chill, upbeat music. Jesse Thorn: This week on Bullseye, Lin-Manuel Miranda on His Dark Materials, hip-hop, and life after Hamilton. Lin-Manuel Miranda: [Laughs.] I know it's the first line of my obituary! So if that line is handled, then what else can I do with my time here? Jesse: It's Bullseye! From MaximumFun.org and NPR. [Music fades out.]

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[Three gavel bangs.]

jesse

Court is back in session! Let's return to the courtroom for more justice!

john

And what other things did you learn about your energy consumption that surprised you, in terms of stuff that you could turn off that would save a lot of energy?

joshua

Well, I think that we can put our router to sleep at night, and that kinda saves us energy. The kids have a PS4 that sucks up a lot of electricity that we can turn off when they're not using it. Things like that are things that—you know, kinda easy things that we've been doing. I think that they're easy.

john

Things that connect you to the modern world. [Kari stifles laughter.]

joshua

True.

john

Yeah. No, that's—

joshua

Fair.

john

That's interesting. Turning—does turning off the router save a lot of energy? Or is it just a marginal thing?

joshua

I'd say it's a little more than marginal. It's a little more than like, you know, charging your phones or having your radio plugged in. But it's not a lot of energy, no.

john

Okay. What was the best outcome you ever had? 'Cause I know you also sent in a spreadsheet. Have you ever listened to the podcast before?

joshua

I've listened to a show before, yeah.

john

To—oh, to one episode.

joshua

I did. Yes.

john

So you may not know the precedent in this court that dudes who send in spreadsheets tend to be looked upon... poorly. [John and Joshua both laugh quietly.]

joshua

I did not know that, no.

john

Well, it's in part because it's asking me to do homework that I don't feel like doing. [They laugh again.] And second, it tends to suggest a certain hobgoblin-y ordered mind.

joshua

Mm.

john

The spreadsheet has a lot of numbers. I have a current energy usage tab, and a projected 20-year energy tab. What I'm hoping to glean from this data—in your interpretation of it for me, please—what row, column, cell should I be looking at on your spreadsheet that really shows that what you're doing is awesome and not attentively weird?

joshua

Last year during July we used 930 kilowatt hours of electricity. This year during the same time we used 27. And so for me that shows like, we're making a major difference.

john

Yeah! And so were you a net producer in July, for sure? All of July? You must have made a lot more energy than you used.

joshua

We were just a little bit under making that because we did have the air conditioner going in the summertime. And air conditioners—

john

What?!

joshua

I know!

john

How dare you? [Laughs.] Kari, if Joshua is conserving energy around the margins, but he's still leaving the air conditioner on, this I think undercuts your case that what he's doing is overly disruptive to the household.

kari

I would say that it probably wasn't Josh's decision to run the air conditioner. [Quietly stifled laughter from someone or multiple someones.]

john

Okay.

kari

And... yeah. [Laughs.]

john

Yeah, 'cause you wanna live like human beings.

kari

Yes.

john

Right.

kari

Yeah.

john

Joshua, would you prefer to turn off the air conditioner in July? 'Cause it gets hot in Minnesota.

joshua

I mean, there's a few days I'm gonna want it on. But most of the time, I've always just been a window/fan guy. But yeah, there's times in the summer where yeah. In July you gotta have it on for a week or two because it gets hot! So we turn it on.

john

But air conditioning consumes a lot of energy.

joshua

Yes.

john

And I would imagine, if this were a preoccupation for you as opposed to a fun hobby—

joshua

Uh-huh.

john

—that having that air conditioner on would drive you a little bananas.

joshua

It's painful.

john

How do you feel when the air conditioner is on? And you know your stats are going down.

joshua

You know, I'm good most of the day. But then like as we move into maybe like, the evening, and it's been on for, you know, 12, 15 hours and I'm thinking "I think we can probably open up some windows and get a fan on" and I know that I'm the only one that's thinking that, [stifles laughter] you know, I have to make that decision and say "Okay. Let's just sacrifice tonight and have the AC on."

john

Is it hard for you to relax at that point?

joshua

No, once we decide it's on then I just—I let it go.

john

Okay. Alright. That's pretty flexible for a dude with a system. I like that. Kari, how has Joshua's need to monitor energy use affected your life in any other ways?

kari

Okay, so he has the spreadsheet. That's fine.

john

It's not fine. We know it's not fine.

kari

[Laughs.] But I don't have to look at it, really. You know.

john

Well, that's a good point. Is he making you look at the spreadsheet? 'Cause you know how it makes me feel; I hate it.

kari

Well, I only had to look at it once, and it was... overwhelming.

john

Tell me about the day he made you look at the spreadsheet.

kari

It was the day that the solar panel rep was coming to our house to sell us the solar panels.

john

Mm-hm.

kari

And Josh—before we even had made the decision really, he had put together that spreadsheet to like, project out what kind of savings it would be for us and for energy savings. Like, money and energy.

john

Right.

kari

Savings. So he put that together. He showed me. I could tell he was super excited about it. But I'm not a numbers person, so it's like, [stifling laughter] hard to take it all in. Anyway, so then the rep comes and he starts to open up his iPad to show us like, his spreadsheet with projections, and then Josh showed him his spreadsheet with projections, and the rep was like blown away because he'd never had anybody show him their own projections before.

john

That's when you, Kari, just need to walk out of the scene. [She laughs.] Go into your bedroom, shut the door, turn on the air conditioner, and— [Joshua or Ify laughs.] —take a nap and let the spreadsheet boys do their thing. [Laughs.]

kari

Yeah. [Laughs.]

john

It's not your hobby, is the point.

crosstalk

Kari: No. John: It sounds like to me. You're not— Kari: No. Mm-hm. John: Right. I mean, it—

john

Obviously I trust that you value the savings of energy, as particularly now—increasing global catastrophe. [Stifles laughter.] We all need to be doing our part. But Joshua mentioned that he loves not merely going out to read the meters, but also to come back and report to you on the meters.

kari

Mm-hm.

john

Does that also happen hourly?

kari

When we were, you know, at home during the summer it did.

john

How did that feel?

kari

Well, at first it was interesting. But then it's not only the reporting of like, when things are going well, but also the reporting of when the numbers aren't going the way he wants them to go.

john

How would Joshua appear to you when things were not going well? What would his mood be like? And how would that make you feel?

kari

He'd be kinda down about it. And I'd, like, feel guilty. Like "Oh man, it—what—am I supposed to like, I don't know—[laughs] turn the air conditioner off?" It's like he thinks about it so much that when it's not good, then I feel guilty that I'm not doing something right to keep the numbers up.

john

Joshua, when you hear that, how does that make you feel? That Kari feels guilt when you express your dismay.

joshua

Well, it doesn't make me feel good. I don't want my wife to feel bad. So no, I don't feel good when I hear that. No.

john

Why do you feel it's important to share your hobby with her, when obviously she doesn't care the same way you do about it? And that should be fine.

joshua

Yeah, I—you know, I think there's two things. There's like the numbers part of it, and then there's like the environmental part. And I'm also—I just—I love that we're making these changes that are... like, making a difference in the world, and so I wanna kind of be able to share that in a way with her. And maybe the language I speak with numbers doesn't work, but like, I wanna share—like, we're doing this together. And I think it's more than just getting panels or getting a Prius. Like, I think there's things we can do day-to-day to make a difference. And I guess I was trying to get her to be excited as I was about it. You know what I mean?

john

Yeah, like when a spouse wants someone to watch a movie that they love, and the other person isn't into it, and then you feel like you have to make them love it. [Kari, John, and possibly one or both of the other two laugh.] I think that was Judge John Hodgman episode number three. [More laughter.] You can't make someone love what you love. Necessarily. Look, I hope you understand that I support this hobby. I support what you're doing, Joshua.

joshua

Mm-hm.

john

But Kari, you're the one who's bringing this case to court. Obviously it's caused you some distraction, some damages. It says here there is something that I should ask you about called "the Wi-Fi incident." What— [The litigants laugh quietly.] What does that refer to?

kari

There's been a couple incidents. The first one was—this was after Josh learned that if he turned the router off at night, then you know, it'd save us—save some energy. So he turned it off, but he didn't really tell anybody that he was turning it off. And then our son had the Google Home Mini hooked up to it for an alarm clock in the morning.

john

Uh-huh.

kari

The alarm didn't go off. 'Cause the Wi-Fi wasn't hooked up. [Laughs.]

john

Oh! And what happened? Your son was expelled from school? [Kari and one or more of the others laugh.]

kari

[Laughing] Yeah. You know, it—I realized "Oh. He's not up yet. I should probably go wake him up." So that was the first one. Then actually just recently, on Halloween, same son was having some friends over for Halloween. They were watching scary movies. And then at 10:30 the router turned off and the movie was—

john

[Laughing] What?!

kari

[laughing] stopped.

john

How did the router turn off?

kari

He's got it on a timer!

john

I didn't know such a thing existed, Joshua!

joshua

The problem was it was a week day. You know on the week days, 10:30 everyone goes to bed. But the kids didn't have school Friday, so I didn't think of that. So—

john

Right.

joshua

I was already kind of in my bedtime mode, 'cause I had to work the next day. The kids didn't have school. So it was just a—you know. My bad on that one.

john

How does the router have a timing—what are you, MacGyver?

joshua

[Stifling laughter] Well, no, I didn't— [John laughs.] I mean, I didn't make it myself. I just bought a timer where it's—you know, like you do with your thermostat. You set it so... set it and forget it. It just sets the time and turns it on and off at different times during the day.

john

What?! Where did you get it?!

joshua

I just got it on Amazon. Just a timer that you plug your router into.

john

Is it just for routers, or for any electrical equipment?

joshua

It's for any electrics.

john

Ohhhhkay.

joshua

So I have a power strip that I have a few different things on, and just all that goes off then at 10:30 at night.

john

So you're buying electrical equipment to turn off your electrical equipment. [The litigants laugh.]

joshua

That's true.

john

What movie did you ruin for your child? [Beat.]

kari

Uh, I—

joshua

The Apostle, I think?

kari

Or maybe Scream.

joshua

Yeah, one of those two.

kari

I can't remember which one they were on at the time.

john

I just watched Scream again for the first time probably in 15 years. And it held up! Ify, what do you think about that movie?

ify

I like Scream. I was gonna ask, did you get your kids to get Tales from the Hood in the rotation? [John laughs.] I think it's a great, poignant movie, surprisingly. The title will trip you up. But—

john

Right.

ify

You know. I'd sneak that in for the next Halloween party.

kari

Okay, noted! [Someone laughs quietly.]

john

We're curating a really good film festival for your kids. [Everyone laughs.] It's gonna be Taxi Driver... Tales from the Hood... I'll throw in Midsommar 'cause I think that's the best movie I've seen all year. And it's definitely above their pay grade. And is a movie about sunshine, so that's—you're gonna love it, Joshua. [Ify and/or Joshua laughs.] It's—basically the main character is the sun. [Stifling laughter] You'll be able to watch this film festival in 15-minute increments over 35 days so long as it's sunny out and the timer allows it. [More laughter.] And otherwise your kids can sit—just wearing, you know, light pajamas in a stifling hot non–air conditioned room with the PlayStation 4 thrown in the well. They can make toys out of wood. [More laughter.] Is that the life you wanna lead for your family, Joshua?

joshua

No, that's—that's not the life we want, no.

john

Over now almost a decade's worth of Judge John Hodgmans, when it is a heterosexual married couple that the husband is—usually has a weird system that he observes obsessively to the detriment and distraction of his family. And I usually rule against him. But right now I'm not seeing any major damages here. Aside from your guilt, which I think is important. And I think that Joshua's now alerted to. Is there any other damages that I should consider? The air-drying of clothes. Is that a chore that redounds to you, rather than—is he insisting that you do this air-drying of clothes? Does this make your life harder in any particular way?

kari

Not now.

john

Mm-hm.

kari

But I feel like once his joy wears off of hanging the clothes, then I'll probably be asked to help. [Laughs.]

john

Is there any precedent of Joshua finding joy in a particular hobby or obsession, and then losing that joy?

kari

Not that I can think of.

john

'Cause I can tell you right now, this hobby is going to turn very dark soon, Joshua. [The litigants laugh.] I mean, you already lost an hour of daylight in daylight savings. It's gonna get cold and dark in Minnesota. And you're gonna be going out there and checking those meters, and when you come in you're not gonna be feeling good. And Kari's gonna be feeling guilty. And I'm worried that it's gonna turn into this shame spiral that'll make it a very grim New Year's Eve for you. [Someone laughs.] How are you mentally preparing yourself for using more energy than you generate? As I suspect you will, right?

joshua

Yeah. You know, I haven't gotten that far. I think I'm kind of in a day-to-day right now, and... you know, we're going to Austin for New Year's. We'll get away from the house for four days. So I think that will also give us a little bridge through the darkness, and... yeah! We'll just keep pushing to spring when sun comes out and people get happy.

john

Kari, if I were to rule in your favor, how would you have me rule?

kari

I would have you rule that Joshua has to recognize that just... by having purchased the solar panels, we're making a difference. I can be happy with that. He can do what he needs to do, but I can just be happy being happy about the solar panel decision. And he needs to find a notebook to put all his number scratchings that I find around the house in.

john

Yes, you did send in evidence of notebooks full of sort of John Doe journal entries from the movie Se7ven. [Someone laughs.]

kari

Yes. It's not in a notebook. There are like—those are found all around the house. On scratches of paper.

john

I have to say, Joshua, I don't know what your calculations are here. This looks like, um—

kari

It's a beautiful mind. [Joshua or Ify laughs.]

john

I'm gonna say a Beautiful Mind type of situation. [Laughs.]

joshua

Guilty.

john

Yeah. You want him to put this stuff away?

kari

Yeah. Because when I see it I'm like—you know, am I supposed to like, not use the stove? Or like—I don't know. It just makes me feel like he's thinking about it all the time, I'm not, so I'm the bad person.

john

There's one note here that's just left hanging around. It says "Modem: 180 kilowatts—" [Joshua or Ify laughs quietly.] "—a year. 15 kilowatts a month. Dehumidifier: 34 kilowatts for 10 hours." No, "3 kilowatts, 10 hours. Security camera: 33 kilowatts per year." Year—is that—am I reading this correctly, Joshua?

joshua

That—that sounds about right. Correct. [Kari laughs.]

john

"Phone charger: 3 kilowatts a year for one overnight charge. Dryer: 3.3 kilowatts per day." [Alarmed/exasperated/overwhelmed sigh.] There's a lot—there's a lot of appliance-shaming in this! [Kari and Joshua and/or Ify laugh.]

kari

I know! Yes!

john

I don't know if this is mandatory in Minnesota, but in New York they have to put the calorie counts on menus. [Someone laughs quietly.]

joshua

Mm-hm.

john

That is not a good feeling. To see what that cheesesteak is gonna do to your body. [The litigants laugh.] Calorie-wise.

joshua

Hmm.

john

Are you leaving this stuff around on purpose to make your family feel bad about charging their phones too much?

joshua

Absolutely not. No. [Emphatically] I wouldn't do that, I'm not that mean of a person.

john

Are you just leaving it out 'cause you're messy and disorganized?

joshua

Okay, you kinda put me in a box there. Uh— [Multiple people laugh.] Maybe a little bit, that like I—it's kinda like when you go back-of-the-envelope jottings.

john

Yeah.

joshua

I guess I've been doing back-of-the-envelope jottings for about two months, and then I take those jottings and convert them into a clean Excel spreadsheet. So yeah, I guess it's sorta like the rough draft of a novel or something.

john

Mm-hm. [Someone laughs quietly.]

joshua

And I'm leaving the rough draft all over the place, and I can see what she's saying here. I can see that point.

john

So Kari, you would ask that these materials be kept private. That he write them all in a composition notebook and keep them behind a secret panel. [Laughs.]

kari

[Laughing] Exactly.

john

[Stifles laughter.] Somewhere where they can't be found by the police.

kari

[Laughing] Right.

john

Alright. Now, I know what you want, Joshua, 'cause it is laid out here in my briefing very plainly. "Joshua would love for Kari to be excited that this year they could go to zero electricity. Joshua wants her to engage in conversation with him about the spreadsheets he generates." [Kari stifles laughter.] "And he would also like her to agree to hanging clothes instead of drying them in the dryer, even in the winter." Two questions. Where are you gonna dry those clothes in the winter, Joshua?

joshua

[Joshua sounds more excited here than he has so far.] This is the beautiful part, right? It's so dry in the winter in Minneapolis that we gotta actually run a humidifier! But we actually don't have to run a humidifier! We can hang clothes in the basement— [John snorts.] —we can hang 'em in our bedroom. We can hang 'em anywhere, and it actually helps us, right? Like, it's kind of a beautiful idea. So we've got—I've got some lines in the basement. I've got a couple racks. And there's plenty of space.

john

So Kari, I apologize. [Kari laughs.] Um, there was a brief time where I—[laughs] I felt like "I can't rule against Joshua, he's just being a normal person!" [Everyone laughs.] He did not fully reveal himself to me. As he has clearly revealed—until this moment—as he's clearly revealed himself to you. His excitement and his passion for getting rid of the dehumidifier and putting the clothes in the basement on the lines! Yeah, I was feel—that's the first time I felt you, Joshua, in this entire podcast. I have to say.

joshua

Okay.

john

I feel like you've been very buttoned down. Whether you've been doing this on purpose or not.

joshua

Mm-hm.

john

Perhaps you're a little bit shy. Perhaps you were concealing yourself from me so that I would not—

joshua

[Stifling laughter] Mm-hm.

john

—judge this properly. [Josh laughs quietly.] But I thank you for showing me the real Joshua.

joshua

You're welcome.

john

The almost Christopher Lloyd-ian eccentric scientist Joshua. [Multiple people laugh.]

joshua

Ohhh, boy...

john

Now that I've seen you, I feel like I'm able to make my verdict. [Laughs.] I'm going to go down into my very dry basement, [laughs] and take a moment to consider my judgment. I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

ify

Alright. And we're gonna find that verdict out [dramatically] right... after... this... break.

sound effect

[Three gavel bangs.]

jesse

Judge Hodgman, we're taking a quick break from the case. Let's get into chambers. Talk about events upcoming. First of all, we're headed to the East Coast in January!

john

That's right! On Monday, January 13th, we'll be here in my home of Brooklyn, New York at the Murmur Theater, which is a new venue for me. It's supposed to be great. Can't wait to check it out. And then the next night, going up to my other home: Boston, Massachusetts at the Wilbur Theatre. That is not a new venue for me. That is a venue that I've performed in many a time. It's one of my favorite places in the world to play. We did a enormously fun Judge John Hodgman show at the Wilbur a couple years ago. But it's been a while since we've been back, so I hope you all come out and check us out. All the details of course are at the MaximumFun.org events page or ticket links are right now up at JohnHodgman.com/tour.

jesse

Judge Hodman, on our tour rider, I'm amending it right now. I want a size large pepperoni and onion pizza from Pizzeria Regina—

john

[Moans in joyful anticipation.]

jesse

—in Boston, Massachusetts.

john

The last time I was at the Wilbur, that's what I ate. When I was up there with those Doughboys. Boy, was that good pizza. We will be at Sketchfest this year! San Francisco Sketchfest. The formal announcement will be coming soon, but please be thinking of disputes you might be having if you live in the Bay Area, that you might have with another Bay Arean or something like that. As well in Boston and in Brooklyn, we are looking for disputes as well. As always, send in your disputes to MaximumFun.org/jjho. There's a form to fill out there. Or just email me at hodgman@maximumfun.org. If you want your dispute considered for the live show, make sure you say so right in the subject: "For Live Show in Boston," or Brooklyn, or San Francisco, or whatever. And if we end up hearing your case on stage, you'll obviously get to come backstage and meet me! Which would be fun; I like to meet you. It's better when you're there. So check out these shows. Jesse Thorn, what else have we got going on? What do you have going on?

jesse

Well, we've got some great new merchandise in the MaxFun Store. Our Super Smart, Afraid of Conflict Narcissist Club tote bags—which I think I gotta get myself one of those Super Smart, Afraid of Conflict Narcissist Club tote bags. Those are very handsome, very stylish. Along with all kinds of other new stuff! New T-shirts. New all kinds of stuff at MaxFunStore.com. There's a real cornucopia of holiday gift possibilities at MaxFunStore.com right now.

john

Yeah, and I'd just like to give a shout-out to Dave and Lauren and our friends up at Loblaw's Grocery Stores in Canada, the purveyors of the No Name brand of generic grocery products with the yellow and black labels that I love so much. You've seen them all over the Instagram. They worked really hard to get us a special license to sell a new T-shirt that just says "obscure cultural reference" and its translation in French in the style of the No Name label. It's very, very handsome, and very, very meaningful to me, 'cause I love that style so much. And they're only gonna be available through the end of this calendar year, which is 2019. So that's all at MaxFunStore.com. Go check out that merch. It's fun.

jesse

And at the Put This On Shop, my vintage store, we are running a Black Friday/Thanksgiving weekend promotion at PutThisOn.com. You can get 40% off all of our pocket squares, handmade right here in Los Angeles from vintage textiles, with the code "Square Justice", and you can get 20% off everything else with the code "Holiday Justice". That's all at PutThisOnShop.com. And there is... so much—so, so much cool stuff. I've gone in really heavily, John, on these like, pins that have flags of the world and flags of American states that are from like, the teens. Just one of many incredible things. 40% off all of our pocket squares, 20% off everything else. With the codes "Square Justice" and "Holiday Justice."

sound effect

[Three gavel bangs.]

ify

Alright. So Kari, how are you feeling about your chances now that, you know, it's all been said and done?

kari

Uh, I'm feeling like 60/40. [Ify laughs.] I feel that he'll find more in my favor than I—than that, maybe. [Laughs.]

ify

Alright, what about you, Joshua? How you feeling?

joshua

Well, I felt like I came off on the wrong foot with the Leonardo stuff in the beginning. [Kari and Ify laugh.] I felt like I threw—I was behind the eight-ball there. Then I felt like I kinda balanced everything out, I kinda had some good points. And then right at the end I just... I think that the hanging stuff on the line, he—I just think the judge wasn't ready for that. And that was maybe more of a... shoulda—shoulda kept that one in the back pocket. But you know what? I gotta be real. I gotta say my part. I think that probably... I think he's gonna give me a little bit, and give Kari a little bit. I don't think he's gonna go all to one or the other—

ify

Ooh!

joshua

—'cause I think he sees both of our points of view.

ify

Yeah, no, definitely. I mean, I will say that was some nice foreshadowing when Kari said she was worried that you would want her to hang up the clothes, and you were like "Yeah, definitely. In the winter, though." [The litigants laugh.] That was a fun shift! But man. So I'mma stop talking, because you know, he's in that dry basement and he says that he likes me to— [John laughs.] —ramble less so he can get out of the basement. So. [Laughs.]

sound effect

[As Ify speaks below: Door opens, chairs scrape, footsteps.]

ify

So everyone please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict!

sound effect

[Door shuts.]

john

I don't want you to ramble less! I want you to ramble more, Ify, it's a delight to have you here.

crosstalk

Ify: Oh, well thank you so much! John: But I did need to get out of that basement, because— [Both laugh.]

john

I was down there and all of a sudden the lights went off. [Both laugh again.] Apparently they're on—Joshua has 'em on a timer! [Kari or Ify laughs.] I got very scared!

ify

Everything's on a timer.

john

Yeah! Yeah. I hit my shins on the stairs as I was trying to climb back up. [Ify or Joshua laughs.] It's a little bit inconvenient!

ify

Oof.

john

Joshua, I—you know, I listened through the basement door. I have to confess that I had completely forgotten about that Leonardo DiCaprio thing.

joshua

[Dismayed whisper] Oh!

john

I wish you hadn't brought that up again. [Multiple people laugh.]

joshua

Dang it!

john

He's a good actor, pretty much. [Laughs.] Just there are a lot of 'em. There are a lot of good actors. I don't—I don't understand that about you. I can't claim to understand you perfectly, or anyone! Things took a turn when you finally showed, in real time, your enthusiasm and how it carries over into your voice and your demeanor, and ultimately into your actions, for this project. When you really showed yourself to me, I realized something... I like it! [The litigants and Ify laugh.] I like it a lot! You're right, you have to be yourself! Absolutely! If for whatever reason you were modulating your demeanor to try to win this fake Internet court case, all the way up until that moment, you were doing yourself a disservice. You should have just let me see you from the beginning. 'Cause you know what I felt? I felt... electricity! [John and Joshua laugh.] I felt power! I felt energy! I felt charge in you! Up to then in the podcast, you were unplugging your router! Trying to save your energy! I like it. I like your project. I think it's great. Obviously! And I'm sure Kari agrees. It's a very cool and responsible thing to do. And something that I'm gonna investigate, in so far as it's feasible in one of the places where I live. 'Cause I also live in a dark cold place much of the time, which is in Maine. So. But we'll see if the—if I can harness some sunshine there. I completely appreciate your desire to check your stats frequently. I am frankly... surprised that neither the solar panel company nor you, in your MacGyver-y ingenuity, hasn't figured out a way to be able to monitoring the stats on your phone, from inside! Why you have to go outside I do not know.

joshua

We do have an app that I use as well.

john

Well, do you not trust the app?

joshua

Well, the app doesn't provide all of the information that I need.

john

[Laughing] Yeah.

joshua

I do need to get some extra numbers from out at the meter.

john

Yeah, and plus using the app uses electricity, and it ruins your zero-energy project. [Everyone laughs.] In any case, you have game-ified conservation in a way that is ultimately a net good. Right? Your reduction of energy—even with the air conditioner—"year over year," Ify, is some real business dad lingo. [Multiple people laugh.]

ify

[Laughing] Yeah.

john

What I hear the business dads yelling into their cell phones before the plane takes off.

ify

[Laughs.] I'm gonna write that one down. I'm gonna save that one.

john

We need to look at year over year production.

ify

Ah! Mm.

john

Yeah. Or in this case, year over year reduction? Is very good. Very good for you, Joshua. With the exception, of course, of the alarm clock incident and the Scream incident. The inconvenience that your hobby is posing to your family does not seem... too terrible. Though worthy of some adjustment. The major inconvenience—and I would venture to say it is more than an inconvenience—is of course the emotional terrorism that you are bringing to your family. I do not believe this was your intention, by making Kari feel guilty when you come in in a sulk 'cause your numbers are off, and make her deal with your sadness, and make her churn through some shame of her own as a result. That should stop. This is your game, not hers. And also, you have to answer to your own—son, is it, who was watching Scream? Do I remember that correctly?

joshua

Correct.

john

Yeah. He's the 14-year-old watching Scream? Or the nine-year-old? That would be weird.

joshua

Just turned 15.

john

Right, okay. Yeah. First-year, sophomore in high school?

joshua

Freshman.

john

New school?

joshua

Yep.

john

Right. He's trying to make new friends.

joshua

Yes.

john

He's trying to make way in the world through a major emotional, physical, and educational transition in his life, and he's got his friends over to watch Scream, and all the sudden the lights go out? [The litigants laugh.] Best-case scenario, his friends think "This guy's dad's weird." [Laughs.]

kari

[Laughing] Yeah!

john

'Cause his router's on a timer. Worst-case scenario, they're worried they're gonna get murdered! [Everyone laughs.] I'm certainly not gonna order you to stop this game. But I do order you to keep the game to yourself. That is to say I cannot order Kari to be excited that you could go to zero electricity this year. I'm excited! That should be enough for you! But Kari's gonna have her own feelings about it. She's not playing this game. She is not watching these stats. You do not need to show her a spreadsheet. You do not need to leave things around for her and everyone else to see. This is your own private hobby. It is one that is doing them and this world a lot of good. But if you had bothered to listen to more than one single episode of Judge John Hodgman[Multiple people laugh.] —you would have heard me say "People like what they like." This is not her movie. Same way I'm never gonna watch Friday Night Lights. Same way my wife is never gonna read Game of Thrones. [Laughs.] A marital standoff that shall last forever. [The litigants and Ify laugh.] I do order that you shall hang those clothes up to dry in the basement. As long as it is you who is doing it! If this is your hobby, you do it!

joshua

Absolutely.

john

I'm not sure how the labor is divided currently, but certainly if you really want to reduce use of the dryer, that's on you to do it. And everyone will enjoy watching you do that labor alone. And then they'll enjoy wearing those shirts and pants that have that special... je ne sais quoi feel of having— [Multiple people laugh.] —dried out in a moldy basement. [Stifles laughter.] I can't rule for you, Kari, either, that Joshua only gets to share his solar stats maybe once a week or every three weeks. 'Cause... I don't think she should have to deal with them ever! [Laughs.] [Kari laughs.] It's hard for me to rule in either one's favor, but I have to choose one. 'Cause Joshua, what you said before about Leonardo DiCaprio? Wrong. [Joshua and/or Ify laughs.] And also what you said about me giving something to each of you? Also wrong. [More laughter.] It's a one or the other scenario. But—it has to be one! It can be only one. [Beat.] You ever see that movie, Ify?

ify

Oh, yeah.

john

Yeah.

ify

The Jet Li one?

john

I've never seen a Highlander.

ify

Well, you could see The One. It's basically the same thing.

john

Oh, The One. [Both laughing] Oh, right. Is it?

ify

Yeah. There's multiple Jet Lis, and the one Jet Li will be the most powerful. [Stifling laughter] So they fight each other.

john

Add that to the film festival in Minneapolis, you guys! [The litigants laugh.] Yeah. Gotta watch The One and Highlander. Okay! So. I have to choose someone to rule in favor of. I think on balance I have to rule in favor of Kari. Josh, you gotta make this your hobby, not hers. You can't implicate her, 'cause it is causing her... bad feelings. Kari, if you're interested you can ask him, but otherwise, Joshua, you keep it to yourself. Laundry will dry in the basement so long as Joshua is doing it. No one else is allowed to basement-dry the laundry. And Joshua can keep his thing going so long as the rest of the family is not inconvenienced in any other way. I must say that ruling with this stipulation, which is: Joshua, I think you're terrific and I think this is a great project, and I wish you the best of luck in getting to zero energy. Even if Kari's not excited, you know your Judge John Hodgman's excited. This is the sound of a gavel:

sound effect

[Electricity crackles and zaps.]

john

Judge John Hodgman rules; that is all.

sound effect

[As Ify speaks below: Door opens, chairs scrape, footsteps.]

ify

Alright, all rise as Judge Hodgman leaves the room.

sound effect

[Door shuts.]

ify

[Lowering his voice] Alright, now that he's gone... How you feeling, Kari? [What might be a wheeze of laughter from John in the background.]

kari

I feel good! I feel relieved.

ify

It was dicey there.

kari

[Laughing] It was!

ify

I was like—I didn't know who he was going for! You know. But you know, between you and me, right here in this small vicinity that we are obviously standing in, I was on your side the whole time.

crosstalk

Kari: Thank you. [Laughs.] Ify: I was like, "I don't know... All these numbers?" Kari: I know, right? Ify: You know, I like—you know, that's why I became a comedian, 'cause I was like "Forget math!" You know? [Kari laughs.]

ify

But I gotta walk over. I'm gonna go talk to Joshua real quick. [More conspicuous and upbeat] Hey! How's it going, Joshua? How you feeling, huh?

joshua

Well, a little bit disappointed, but— [Ify sighs sympathetically.] —you know what, I understand that not everybody's into numbers. I just need to kinda take that down, and I think that message was received today.

ify

I mean, well, look. [Lowering his voice] Let me tell you something in the vicinity that we're standing in right here. I mean, I was on your side the whole time. [Someone wheezes with laughter. Ify remains vocally straight-faced throughout.] I mean, those numbers are great. I mean, that's why I became a comedian! 'Cause I love numbers, you know? [The litigants laugh.] I like to count the number of hot wings I get paid in. [More laughter.] So, you know. I'm definitely on this side. But we think you're doing great. Me… John…. Greta. We're on your side. Just keep up the great work, okay?

joshua

Appreciate that.

john

Let me just say before you guys go, I really like you a lot. I hope you have your film fest. [Kari laughs.] I hope you invite us. [Joshua laughs.] Ify, I love that you said you were going to walk over to Joshua— [John, Ify, and Joshua laugh.] —even though he's not in the same room. You wore a bailiff outfit and you pretended to walk around. [Kari laughs.]

ify

Oh, yeah!

john

And I really liked that. Thank you so much.

ify

I'm doing lots of space work in this booth.

john

Yeah!

ify

Yeah, if you only knew.

john

Joshua, Kari, thanks so much for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

sound effect

[Three gavel bangs.]

jesse

Hey, it's Jesse Thorn. We're very happy to announce that tickets for MaxFunCon 2020 will go on sale Friday, November 29th at 11 AM Pacific. I also wanna let you know: this coming year, MaxFunCon 2020, will be our last MaxFunCon for the foreseeable future. For 2020 and beyond, we're gonna be looking for ways to connect with more of you in person and spread the spirit of MaxFun farther than it's ever gone before. In the meantime, if you wanna join us at the last MaxFunCon in Lake Arrowhead June 12th through the 14th, you can find details at MaxFunCon.com.

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[Three gavel bangs.]

ify

Another case in the books. Before we dispense some Swift Justice, we wanna thank Neil Pogorelsky for naming this week's episode, "Daylight Savings Crime." If you would like to name a future episode, like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions. Follow us on Twitter at @JesseThorn and @hodgman. And on those Twitter Internets, hashtag #JJHo, and check out the Maximum Fun subreddit to discuss this episode. And we're on Instagram at @judgejohnhodgman, and make sure to follow us there for evidence and other fun stuff. This week's episode was recorded by Beth Gibbs at Foolproof Studio, and this episode was produced by Hannah Smith and edited by Jesus Ambrosio. Now let's get to Swift Justice! Where we answer your small disputes with a quick judgment. Annette says: "If the temperature is at 71 and it's too hot, so it's turned to 68, are you turning the AC down or up? Sixteen-year marital dispute."

john

Okay, so let me understand this. The temperature is 71 in the house, and it's considered to be too hot. So the temperature is then changed to 68. Using air conditioning. Ify, would you say you have turned the air conditioner down to 68? Or up to colder?

ify

Ooh. See, when you formatted it that way, it changed. Because if I'm turning the temperature, then I'm turning the temperature down. But if I'm turning the AC, then I'm turning the AC up.

crosstalk

Ify: I think it's—it's—yeah. John: Eeeeexactly! Ify: Yeah!

ify

That's the most important factor. What are we talking? If we're talking temperature, turning it down.

john

Yeah.

ify

AC? Turning it up.

john

That's right. 'Cause as Joshua will tell you, when you turn that temperature down— [Ify laughs.] —you are blowing your stats, first of all. [Ify laughs harder.] You are using more energy. You are cranking that AC up! Instead do what Joshua's kids are forced to do. Sit in a hot, moist room, whittling. [Stifles laughter.] Hey, Ify! You gave all our hashtags and our @s! We need to know where to find you! You're the host of Who Shot Ya?, first of all.

ify

Yeah, yeah!

john

That—you can find that at MaximumFun.org. You're the cohost of Nerdificent podcast with Dani Fernandez on "another network," as they used to say.

ify

Yeah! [Both laugh.] Yeah. So—but yeah! Just, if you follow me, you'll hear me talking when either of those go live.

john

And where can we follow you on Twitter? If that is a thing for you.

ify

Oh, you can follow me at @IfyNwadiwe. I-F-Y-N-W-A-D-I-W-E.

john

And on Instagram or any other socials that you'd like to plug? Are you a TikTok-er?

ify

Oh, yeah! Same thing on Instagram. I'm not on TikTok yet.

john

No.

ify

But I feel like its cold, young hand is gonna get me soon. [John laughs.] It's too—it looks too fun! I'm like, those—those Zoomers! They're having all the fun, we gotta get in there!

john

Its cold young hand is going to reach out of Crystal Lake and pull you down!

ify

Yeah. [Laughs.]

john

Alright, that's about it for this week's episode! I'll take over this outro this time, since poor Bailiff Jesse Thorn is not feeling so well. But Jesse, we send you best wishes and hope you feel better. Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org/jjho. Or email me—that's me, John Hodgman—at this email address: hodgman@maximumfun.org. I gets them all. I reads them all. I sorts them all. No case too small. Something else that rhymes with all. We'll see you the next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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[Three gavel bangs.]

music

A cheerful guitar chord.

speaker 1

MaximumFun.org.

speaker 2

Comedy and culture.

speaker 3

Artist owned—

speaker 4

—audience supported.

About the show

Have your pressing issues decided by Famous Minor Television Personality John Hodgman, Certified Judge. If you’d like John Hodgman to solve your pressing issue, please contact us HERE.

Follow @judgejohnhodgman on Instagram to view evidence from the cases tried in court.

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