Transcript
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse thorn
Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorn. With me as always, the judge himself, Judge John Hodgman. We're gonna go into the courtroom in just a second, but first, this is week two of the MaxFunDrive.
john hodgman
Yeah, thank you so much for making week one so great! I mean, look, we wanted to keep this, you know, MaxFun, but MinDrive, because it's such a strange time. But everyone in their own low-key and wonderful and supportive way, just all the shout-outs on Twitter, all the fun times we had together on the pub quiz, frankly it's been just a wonderful distraction for me. And obviously a huuuge boon to Maximum Fun. Because, you know, without MaxFun, without its members, we couldn't keep doing this show! This time or any time. Maximum Fun is audience supported, which means we're free to make the content you enjoy because people like you become members and contribute.
jesse
We'll talk more about the MaxFunDrive later on in the show. But you can become a member now at MaximumFun.org/join. That's MaximumFun.org/join. Any level that you're comfortable with, and you can check out the great thank-you gifts we have this year there, too. That's MaximumFun.org/join. Now! On to this week's case! "Vampirical Evidence" (Empirical Evidence). Bethany brings the case against her wife, Heather. Heather refuses to watch the final season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Bethany says since they love the show, they should watch the final season so they can fully appreciate it. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one can decide.
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[Door opens, chairs scrape on the floor, footsteps.]
jesse
Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.
sound effect
[Door shuts.]
john
How could it possibly get uglier? I used to be a highly respected Watcher, and now I'm a wounded podcaster with the mystical strength of a doily. I just wish I could sleep. Bailiff Jesse Thorn, swear 'em in.
jesse
Bethany, Heather, please rise and raise your right hands.
sound effect
[Chairs scrape.]
jesse
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever?
bethany
I do.
heather
I do.
jesse
Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that Draculas can have any job, even judge?
crosstalk
Bethany: [Laughing] Yes. Heather: Yes.
jesse
Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.
john
[Laughs.] I forgot. I forgot! I forgot about your Dracula trigger! How could I have forgotten how much you hate Draculas?! And here—
jesse
It's like the number one thing I hate is those goshdarn Draculas.
john
[Laughs.] I know. They can have any job! Right, Jesse?
jesse
Any job, of any—! Crane operator, for example.
john
Yeah. I don't think—oh, I guess they could be a nighttime solar panel installer. [Laughs.] I was—
jesse
Arborist.
john
Yeah. Well, nighttime arborist. [Laughs.]
unnamed guest
Watch out for flying splinters.
john
Ohhh, there's a voice! [The voice laughs.] We'll introduce that voice in a moment. [Laughs.] But in the meantime, Bethany and Heather, you may be seated.
sound effect
[Chairs scrape.]
john
For an immediate summary judgment in one of yours' favors, can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom? Bethany, let's start with you. Bethany, do you have a guess?
bethany
Um, I have no idea.
john
Mm-hm.
bethany
I'm gonna guess... uh, the season eight of Buffy, which was in comic book form.
john
Season eight of Buffy, which was in comic book form. Now Heather, you have not seen season seven, right? That's the last televised season. That's the point of this dispute.
heather
Yeah. I have not seen it, but I know a lot that happens in it. [Someone laughs.]
john
You know a lot about it, and you know a lot about the extra comic book seasons, too.
heather
Yes.
john
You're a real—what's—in the world of Buffy fandom, do you—like, you know, like a—[laughs]—a Jimmy Buffett fan would be a Parrothead. Is there a name for someone who is not a fan of Jimmy Buffett, necessarily, but instead a fan of Jimmy Buffy? The Vampire Slayer? [John and someone else laugh.]
heather
Um, I'm actually not sure what we're called!
john
Okay. Interesting! Maybe there isn't a term. We'll find out later, how about that? But in the meantime, do you have a guess as to what piece of culture I was quoting? Or paraphrasing, I should say.
heather
I'm going to say—I'm not 100—I'm not sure. I'm gonna say Buffy the Vampire Slayer the movie?
john
Buffy the Vampire Slayer... the movie, which of course pre-dated the television show by some years. How many years? I'm not sure I can remember. Good thing we have an expert. Coming in soon. Flying in, as Draculas are wont to do, in the form of a bat. [Someone chuckles.] Because our incredible expert witness Jane Espenson is here. One of the top writers for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, wouldn't you say, Jane? You wouldn't, 'cause you're—
jane espenson
Oh, absolutely. [Laughs.]
john
Oh, I was gonna say you're—you wouldn't, 'cause you're modest. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
Jane: No, I—I would not. John: But no! You're more—
john
You should not be modest, because Jane Espenson is amazing! Jane, can you guess which thing I was quoting?
jane
I really like that guess that it was the movie! 'Cause otherwise I do not know.
john
Well, there's no reason you should know, because I don't think you worked on this episode. [Laughs.] In fact—or maybe you did. I mean, it was a long time ago. But in fact, spoiler alert... that was a quote from Giles, from the very last filmed episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. [Someone gasps.] Season 7, episode 22, "Chosen." When they're playing Dungeons & Dragons. [Someone sighs.] I looked it up on IMDb. Had to! 'Cause guess what? I haven't seen that episode, either.
crosstalk
_[_Bethany laughs.] Jane: Ohhh. Heather: Oooh.
john
But you know what episode I did see? "End of Days." The one right before it. The penultimate episode! Which credits you as co-writer of that episode, Jane. Do you remember that one?
jane
I do! 'Cause I looked it up yesterday. [John and someone else laugh.]
john
Feels like a long time ago, doesn't it?
jane
[Stifling laughter] It—well, it was a long time ago, yes. It really, genuinely was.
john
Hey, everybody who's within the sound of my voice! Please welcome to the podcast—I mean, stand up if you're not driving, in front of your Internet radio— [Jane laughs quietly, John stifles laughter.] —and give a standing ovation to Jane Espenson. She's a TV writer, and one of the best people in the world. [Jane chuckles.] She wrote for all your favorites. Once Upon a Time. She was the showrunner of Caprica, the spinoff of Battlestar Galactica. She wrote for Battlestar Galactica, including one very special episode. [John and Jane laugh.]
jane
That's right.
john
Featuring the mis-casting of me, John Hodgman. And, of course, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And she's—are you allowed to say what you're working on now?
jane
I believe I am. I'm working on a show called The Nevers, coming to HBO next year.
john
Another Joss Whedon joint, correct?
jane
That's right.
john
Yeah! So how did you get involved with the Buffy the Vampire Slayer world?
jane
[Chuckles.] I was a TV writer working in comedy, and I saw the show Buffy and said, "I wanna switch to one-hour television to write for that show." And so I—
john
And you said that into the air, and a Dracula made it happen for you!
jane
Yeah! Kind of! I wrote a spec episode of NYPD Blue so that I would have a one-hour writing sample, and took it in.
john
Interesting!
jane
And got hired. Yeah.
john
So you were just like, "Give me any one-hour drama. Just get me off of this comedy stuff."
jane
No, not at all. It was very much, "I wanna work on Buffy."
john
Oh, right. Okay. Not being a—an employed television writer, Jane, I don't understand why—is there a reason why you would write a spec script for NYPD Blue if you really wanted to write for Buffy?
jane
[Stifling laughter] That was the way it was done.
john
Really!
jane
You never wrote the ep—you never wrote an episode of the show you wanted to write for. You wrote a show for another show entirely, that just is the same length as the show you wanna write for. [Laughs.]
john
That—wow! So if you wrote a spec script for the show you wanted to join, that—you would look like a real rookie.
jane
Yes. Absolutely.
john
Like a real Nathan Fillion on The Rookie. [John, Jane, and one of the litigants laugh.]
jane
Yes. I could not have said that better.
john
And so you understand the dispute here, Jane?
jane
Yes, I do.
john
Let me give you some background. Bethany and Heather, we have them on the line here. They've been together since 2008, they've been married since 2011. Congratulations.
crosstalk
Bethany & Heather: Thank you.
john
And where do you live, Bethany?
bethany
We live in Tucson, Arizona.
john
And Heather, how did this dispute arise between you and Bethany with regard to season seven of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
heather
Well, honestly, I didn't even know it was a dispute up until, like, a year ago. [Bethany laughs quietly.]
john
Uh-huh.
heather
[Laughs.] I just thought it was, like, something that, like, I just never was gonna do. And then she one day just started coming up to me like, "You should really watch season seven of Buffy." And I'm like, [dismissive] "Nooo." [Someone laughs.] And she's like, "You should really watch season seven of Buffy," and I'm like... [emphatically] "No." [Laughs.] So it's been a lot of, uh, you know, back and forth of like, you know. I know the—I understand the reasons why she wants me to watch it, but... yeah.
john
Well, it would seem like—do you like the show, Heather?
heather
I absolutely love it. Yes.
john
I mean, people who like the shows tend to like to watch the shows. [Someone laughs.] All of the ones that were made. Is there a reason that you've avoided season seven?
heather
Yes. Um, technical—actually, I have three reasons. And they all—they're all around my three favorite characters, which is Tara, Anya, and Buffy, and I feel like... they weren't...
john
Ohhh.
heather
...treated... yes.
john
Hang on, hang on. Hang on. Jane Espenson is in the room. [Someone laughs.] How many seasons did you work on, Jane?
jane
I worked on season three through seven.
john
Three through seven. So you—what do we call fans of Buffy, Jane? Do they have a name?
jane
You know, I—I—we can say Buffheads, but I don't think that's right. [Jane and one or both litigants laugh.]
john
I don't think that's—
jesse
Buffaroos, I think, is technically—Buffaroos. [More laughter.]
john
Buffaroo Banzais? [Laughs.]
bethany
Yes!
jesse
[Laughing] Yeah.
jane
Nice.
john
Okay, so, Heather, you're—a true Buffaroo Banzai... [Someone laughs.] ...would not hold back their opinion. Even of a thing they love, even in the presence of one of the co-creators of the thing they love.
heather
Yeah.
john
So you go ahead and say your truth. [Jane or Bethany laughs.]
heather
My truth. Okay.
john
How did Jane Espenson personally mess up the story arc of your three favorite characters? [Jane and Heather laugh.]
heather
Well, to start out with Tara, she was like, such an amazing addition to the show. And she's actually, like—one of the first episodes that I ever watched, she was in. I came a little bit later to the Buffy thing, during season six. So, yeah. I was actually—I recorded the musical episode for a girlfriend at the time in high school, and I sat down and watched it, and I was just—kinda fell in love with it! And I hung out with a lot of Xena fans who weren't into Buffy, so...
john
Mm.
heather
When I became a Buffy fan, I didn't have a lot of, like, Buffy fans to hang out with. But it really didn't matter, 'cause, you know, it was a really great show. And... yeah. And Tara just, like, spoke to me, and like, how she—like, the character, where she came from, and who she became, and... only to get, like, "Okay, bye!" Like, it was sucky, you know? And I know that—
john
What happened that you didn't like?
heather
Uh, well—um, I might get a little verklempt talking about this, but, uh—
john
Oh, I'm counting on it. [Heather and someone else laugh.]
bethany
Oh!
heather
One of the—
john
But also be, you know—be reasonably specific so people who have—who may not know this character, or know this show intimately, can kind of follow along with your emotional journey.
heather
Alright. So, like, Tara is Willow's girlfriend.
john
Right.
heather
And they broke up, which was so, like, devastating, but, you know, when they finally got back together, things seemed like it was gonna be great. And then there are these three nerds in season six, Jonathan, Warren, and Andrew. And Buffy, like, gets—like, foils Warren's plan one too many times, so instead of, like, going at her with, like, mystical things, he goes in with a gun and starts shooting, and Buffy gets shot and Tara gets shot. And then Tara dies, and Willow goes crazy. And—
john
And you didn't like the way that played out.
heather
No.
john
You felt that that was disrespectful to the character who you loved.
heather
Well, yes. 'Cause after everything that, like, Tara—like, her character went through, and how they built her up to be, like, this, like, amazing character—not just to Willow, but also to, like, Buffy. She turned—like, she started becoming really good friends with Buffy, and was there for her when Buffy didn't really have anybody else to talk to.
john
Mm-hm.
heather
So—and then just for them to just be like, "Okay! This is how Tara's—" You know. Ugh. Um—
john
Yeah!
heather
"Gotta end! So—"
john
You're still feeling it! You're still feeling it.
heather
Yeah. Every day. [Laughs.]
john
Wow. And were—and does this go back to your first watching experience, like, when it was on the air?
heather
Yes.
john
Right. So this—and so, sometime back in the early 2000s, you saw this episode. You saw season six, and you made a decision. You were like, "I don't think season seven is for me. I'm a little upset about this. I'm going to know everything about season seven, and the comics, and everything else, but I—I just don't feel like watching it." Would that be a fair assessment of what happened?
heather
Yeah. And I just—I don't know. Like, watching season seven without Tara would be really sucky.
john
Yeah! So you made a choice. And was this before you—this was before you and Bethany met.
heather
Yes.
john
Right. So this is—this predates your relationship. First of all, I have just a quick follow-up, Heather, if you don't mind.
heather
Yeah.
john
You said you had been hanging around a bunch of Xena: Warrior Princess fans. That's my jam.
heather
Oh, yeah.
john
That's my jam. [Someone chuckles.]
heather
Many, many Xena conventions, I've gone to.
john
Yeah.
heather
I met Bruce Campbell.
john
Ohhh!
heather
Yeah.
john
You're talking about—you're talking about friend of the show Bruce Campbell?
heather
Yeah. I love Bruce Campbell.
john
Jesse, have we had Bruce Campbell on the podcast?
jesse
We haven't had Bruce Campbell on the podcast! Which seems like an oversight, given that you used to be his literary agent. [John and someone else laugh quietly.]
john
Yeah.
bethany
Whoa. [Gasps.]
john
Alright, so we gotta make a note. Let's get Bruce Campbell on the podcast. Was there a rivalry between the Buffaroo Banzais and the Xenons? [Someone laughs quietly.]
heather
Well, I kind of feel—I don't know—
john
Did you catch heat for going to Buffy after you liked Xena so much? I didn't—I'm just curious.
heather
I felt—yeah. I kinda felt like it was kind of, like—I'm still really good friends with the girl who I met through Xena, and—but—and then I was actually—it's kind of funny. Because, you know, I'm... I'm pretty gay, and—but I was in the GJRS Romantic Society, what—that's Gabrielle and Joxer Romantic Society.
john
Ohhh.
heather
Which I think is really funny. Ugh. Yeah. I know. Um—[laughs].
john
Sometimes I sing the "Joxer the Mighty" song to myself.
heather
Oh, me too! [Multiple people laugh quietly.] Me, too.
jesse
I just want everyone to know I have no idea what you're talking about. [More laughter.]
john
I—[laughs]. [Singing] Joxer the Mighty, dit-duh-dit-duh-duh-duh. [Speaking] Ted Raimi!
heather
Yes.
john
That's the brother of Sam Raimi, playing Joxer!
heather
Yes!
jesse
I'm building up a lot of headcanon right now. [Multiple people laugh.]
john
[Laughing] Yeah.
heather
But yeah, no. Xena was a big part of my life, and when I started watching Buffy, my Xena friends were just like, "Traitor!" They were not very happy.
john
Oh, really?
heather
But I ended up like—I love Xena. But Buffy ended up speaking to me more, so...
john
Right, until it stopped. Until it stopped speaking to you. Or it said the wrong thing. [Someone chuckles.]
heather
Yeah, season one through the episode right before Tara gets shot, I'm all on board. I'll watch those no mat—like, all day every day.
john
Jane Espenson, I miss al these shows so much!
jane
I know. It was a good—it was a golden age.
john
It really was! I mean, I guess there's stuff out there like this now that people like so much. But... feels like a special time. Was it a special time?
jane
It was for me. I was employed on my favorite show.
john
Yeah. How do you feel about—how do you feel about when a fan who's clearly as, you know, devoted and thoughtful as Heather takes a real issue with a—the treatment of a character?
jane
Oh, I—it's hard to do anything but agree. I mean, every show is a—is... Every viewer of every show is in love with the show in their head that's a combination of what we give them and what they bring to it from their own lives. So there is no telling any fan that they're wrong or mistaken, or took something the wrong way, or "Here was our intent," because that show—they're legitimately describing the show that they experienced.
john
Yeah.
jane
So, um... You—your feelings are absolutely valid. And I feel like I should emphasize that often, killing a character is—gives that actor so much to do, and, you know, it's—it's not something that's generally done as a punishment. [Chuckles.]
john
That's an interesting point. Because—I mean, I would think, uh, killing a character makes it so that they, um... can't be on the show anymore, and they lose the job. Like, say, if one was killed in only their second episode of Blindspot. [Jane, John, and Jesse laugh.] That did not feel like I got something to do. That felt like I got something taken away from me that was very special.
jane
On Buffy, you know, a character can be dead and can come back. [Laughs.] So, you know, when Jonathan died, I knew that wasn't Danny Strong's last time on the show.
jesse
Let's take a quick break from the courtroom to talk about this year's MaxFunDrive! We'll be back in there in just a minute with more about Bethany and Heather, and of course expert witness Jane Espenson. It is MaxFunDrive. I have been watching all of the—all the Tweets with the hashtag #MaxFunDrive. I was up at my cabin, taking a little mental health break, and I did check in a few times, and it is—this is the best part of the Drive for us, is seeing the kind things that people say. One of them was from @TerenceBell. They wrote: "In recognition of the kindness of Jesse Thorn, and how much joy and laughter Hodgman and Sawbones have brought into our lives, I've purchased my daughter Madison a membership to MaximumFunHQ as part of a cobbled-together present for her 16th birthday this Tuesday. Money well spent." Happy birthday, Madison!
john
Happy birthday, Madison!
jesse
A big, big shout-out from someone named.. Enrica-guh-guh to I, Podius!
john
Yeahhh!
jesse
The podcast we made because last year's MaxFunDrive was a success.
john
@enricagg says: "I'm enjoying the I, Podius podcast so much I just made my first donation. Thank you!" Thank you! I mean, I, Podius started as a joke during the last MaxFunDrive. As a gag, as a dare. [Laughs.] That if we reached a certain level of membership, I would force Elliott Kalan to do a dedicated miniseries podcast about the miniseries I, Claudius, and it ended up being one of the most wonderful experiences I've ever had, and so much fun, how much fun people had with it. It was so generous of people to take their time to watch this 1976 miniseries! I mean, and one of the things that makes MaxFun so special is that we're not putting podcasts out into a void. I feel like whether it's through social media, or the virtual stuff we've been doing during the MaxFunDrive, and each and every time we sit down to podcast, I feel like we're in a conversation with a group of listeners whom I really enjoy, who really make me laugh as much as I hope I make them laugh, who provide me with as much happy distraction as I hope that we provide for you. And hearing from you about how much you value our work, and the works of other shows on MaxFun, particularly during this time of social distancing, has been so, so gratifying. I mean, this has been hard. But having familiar voices to make us laugh and think, to interact with, to help us feel normal. I mean, it's extremely important to all of us. And you know, if that sounds like you, and you're able to go to MaximumFun.org/join and help us out during this time, and help us keep this going, please do so! But if you're not in a position to do that right now, this spreading the word is—is—not only make us feel happy, but it helps get the word out there to those who may be able to help. So thank you for that.
jesse
Yeah. You can join us starting at $5 a month for—it's now, like, hundreds of episodes of bonus content across the network, all of which you can listen to in your favorite podcast app. If you join us at $10 a month, you get a MaxFun membership card, a cool pin, you get all the bonus content. $20 a month, you get this year's special gift, a MaxFun game pack with custom dice and a custom deck of playing cards, which is really cool. [John whistles appreciatively.] The playing cards have MaxFun in-jokes throughout. They're really great. All you have to do is go to MaximumFun.org/join to become a member. And this week, John, there's a new thing we're doing.
john
Yeah!
jesse
Which is, so, people often ask us—they say like, "Listen, I can't get to the next membership level." This week we're offering boosts! So if you're already a member, and you wanna bump it up a few dollars, or $5 or $10 or whatever it is, $3, $2, you can do that now at MaximumFun.org/join. Most importantly, though, you know, our show, and all the shows at Maximum Fun, and all the employees at Maximum Fun, and all the creators at Maximum Fun, really are directly supported by members. It is a one-to-one thing, you know?
john
That's right.
jesse
This is what makes this possible. And so we really wanna express our thanks to everybody who's able to become a member of Maximum Fun. I know, you know, in this scary time, it has been a great comfort to me that our members have stood up for us, and allowed us to continue this somewhat goofy enterprise.
john
Yeah.
jesse
It means a lot, and we're grateful to everybody who can make it happen.
john
Well, Jesse, can I just say a thing? Uh, about the podcast network that you founded, and then the mission that you created by founding it? Uh, it's not goofy. Don't say that about this. [Stifles laughter.] It's not goofy. I know you're self-deprecating. But one of the things that's really true, and has become clear in this time more than ever—there are things that movies can do. There are things that TV shows can do, in terms of spectacle, in terms of surprise, in terms of enjoyment, that podcasts can't quite do. But there's something that podcasts do, I think, almost better than anything—any other form of media, and that is to keep you company. You know? Podcasts live in your car, in your earbuds as you're falling asleep. You know, when you're doing your overnight shift at your job. And they keep me company when I'm alone. And I'm grateful to be able to keep you company when you're alone, particularly during this time when so many of us are literally alone. And I really wanna extend our special thanks to those of you who are in healthcare, and retail, and teaching, and other essential jobs right now. We're thinking about you a lot when we make these shows. We're grateful for the work that you do. We hope that Judge John Hodgman and all of the MaxFun shows are a good diversion for you right now. And we're—hope we are supporting you in the work that you're doing in return.
john
So I just wanna say to the whole community, you know, I think podcasts keep you company. And what's special about Maximum Fun is that the MaxFun community keeps us company right back. And whether it's going to MaximumFun.org/join and helping out at this time if you can, or whether it's just spreading the word and shooting us a line, it's been so, so... less lonely, knowing that you're out there. So thank you.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
john
So Bethany, it sounds like Heather made a—you know, a pretty reasonable, adult decision to not continue watching the show. [Someone laughs quietly.] Tell me why you feel it's important that Heather watch the final season, the seventh season. And overall, what the show has meant in your lives together.
bethany
Well, so my argument for why I would like Heather to watch season seven with me is kind of twofold. And the first is just that I—you know, when we're talking about Buffy, I want us both to have the fully understanding of the entire series. And I know that Heather knows the major plot points that happen in season seven, but has not experienced all of it. I think that, Heather, you have watched a couple of the early episodes, but not in a long time and not much. So I would just like for us to both have, you know, the same understanding of Buffy as a series, which I don't think Heather can have without watching all of it. And secondarily, I think that there are some great, redeeming parts in season seven that Heather would really appreciate, especially as regards one of Heather's favorite characters.
john
The one we were just discussing, or a different one?
bethany
Oh. No. Uh, Dawn. Who Heather also really loves. Dawn has some really great moments in season seven.
john
Yeah.
bethany
You really see her kinda come into her own as, like, a person, rather than as this, like, mystical character that she was in season five. Rather than being just, like, the Slayer's, like, baby sister who's kind of underfoot. She really—you know, there's an episode called "Potential," where, like, she really has her moment, and you kind of see the young woman that she has, like, grown into, who's a hero in her own right. Even though she doesn't have mystical powers like Buffy does.
john
So, Heather, are you aware of Dawn's arc, as just described by Bethany?
heather
Yes. I am, indeed. I do love Dawn a lot.
john
But this is not a dealmaker for you.
heather
No.
john
Alright. So Bethany, have you seen all seven seasons? Have you seen every episode of season seven?
bethany
Yes.
john
And what's your, uh, Buffalo Banzai journey? [Multiple people laugh.] How did you come to the show, and—and, uh, and had you watched it before you two got together, or... did you—
bethany
Oh, absolutely.
john
Okay. So you had seen it all the way through.
bethany
I don't think I'd seen every single episode before Heather and I started dating, but I had watched a lot of it. Especially seasons four and five, you know, when there's a lot of Willow and Tara. And I'd seen a lot of season two. But I don't think I'd watched all of it all the way through until we watched it together.
john
So you were dating as you were working your own way through Buffy. What was your reaction when you realized that Heather had not seen the last season?
bethany
Shock. [John laughs.] And dismay. [Multiple people laugh.]
john
Can you describe what happened? Where were you, and—and how did it come up?
bethany
I actually can't remember the exact moment when I realized that Heather had not watched season seven and was not going to. It's—
heather
We were probably watching the—one of the season six episodes, I'm like, "Okay, I'm done."
bethany
Mm-hm.
john
Right.
bethany
It was probably Heather calling it quits at a strategic moment in season six, um, that I fully realized. But it's kind of—it's been something that, you know, I've been aware of for, you know, a decade. [Bethany or Heather chuckles.]
john
Right. So for ten years, you've been trying to get them to watch this season of television. And now it comes to this courtroom to decide what will happen.
bethany
Yes.
john
Mm. Why can't you just let Heather... have it Heather's way? Why does it bother you so much, Bethany?
bethany
I—I just want to experience it together. You know, I think that there are some really poignant moments that I'd like to enjoy together. You know, kind of like, Dawn's storyline, you know, some of the other really good episodes in season seven, I would just—I would just like to experience it with my wife.
john
So, Heather, Bethany feels like the two of you are really missing out on an experience together because you don't want to watch this season. You wouldn't watch it just to make your wife happy?
heather
I mean, it pulls my heartstrings. And I've thought about it.
john
Mm-hm.
heather
[Sighs.] I just—I think I need a little bit more persuading. I don't know.
john
What could persuade you? It's been a decade!
heather
I guess only you.
john
Me?! [John and the litigants laugh.]
heather
Your ruling.
bethany
A decisive ruling.
jesse
So... Judge John Hodgman could persuade you. Not the person you've chosen to spend your life with.
heather
Well, she knows why, though! Why I don't really wanna watch this—season seven.
john
Bethany, are you a completist by nature?
bethany
Uh, yes. [Laughs.] How could you tell?
john
Well, I mean, you—have you read all of the comics, the extra seasons?
bethany
[Sighs.] I haven't.
john
No! Incompletist!
bethany
I did read season eight. It really became a different medium, and felt like a different... thing, to me, then, than the series did.
john
Uh-huh. Right! It wasn't the show that you loved, because it went in a direction you didn't feel comfortable with, and therefore you made an adult choice to disengage from it and remember the thing you loved. [Someone laughs.] That be fair to say? Bethany?
bethany
[Laughing] It changed from a show to a comic! [Others are laughing quietly.]
john
Oh, so comic books are a lesser art form, and they don't— [Jesse and John laugh.]
bethany
Ohhh no!
john
Jane?
jane
Mm?
john
Remind me, there's a season eight in comic book form and a season nine in comic book form?
jane
Uh, I—
john
Maybe—
jane
I know I have written many Buffy comics, and I believe it did go into higher season numbers, yes.
john
Yeah. Right. Exactly so. Yeah. Would you say that to be a true Buffy completist, you would have had to read those comics? And that therefore, uh, Bethany is a hypocrite?
jane
I—I—
john
I mean, I'm not putting words in your mouth.
jane
I think you're making a really interesting case. And you may be convincing me, because I came in with a different opinion about this. I am—
john
Oh!
jane
Yeah!
john
What was your opinion as you came in? And how is that changing as we speak?
jane
Oh, actually, no. No, it's the same opinion—
john
Oh, good. [Laughs.]
jane
You're just making it stronger and zestier. No, I feel that Heather shouldn't have to watch it if they don't wanna watch it. I know what it is to have something where you—you feel that little spike of panic when a video starts running, of, like, "I'm not gonna like this." And it's—it really does feel like panic. And I wouldn't want anyone to have to feel that. And I think you are poking, John, in a very effective way at a strong argument that I hadn't thought of.
john
Well, is there any show or movie or whatever where you—where you loved it, but you had to tap out, because it just wasn't going where you wanted it to go?
jane
Oh, gosh.
john
And I'm thinking of it myself. Like, I feel like the first... two seasons of Lost...
jane
Mm-hm.
john
...were, like—they are my favorite thing of all time. And then it started going in directions that I felt were less interesting and dramatically productive for me. And I did not get mad at it. Indeed, I watched it—I mean, I watched it all. But not 'cause I felt it was my homework. Like, it still gave me basic pleasure to watch it. [Someone laughs quietly.] But there was a point where I was just like, "This is a different show now. Love you guys, have fun on your journey. I'll—I'm along for it, but I just can't be in it the same way."
jane
Yeah, I tapped out of Glee that way.
john
Yeah, interesting. [Someone laughs quietly.]
jane
Yeah.
john
Yeah. It happens! It happens.
jane
It does. And I—and yeah. And I think if there were something that legit hurt my soul—[chuckles]—by watching a show—
john
Yeah.
jane
—so it wasn't just like, "I still love it." But, like, "Oh, that—that hurt me, because I had bonded with a character," yeah. I would definitely tap out.
john
Yeah. Bethany, I was needling you a little bit for being A, uh, not a true completist 'cause you hadn't read the comics, and B, being an elitist snob because you think comics aren't as good as television. [One or more people laugh.] I know that you don't feel that way.
bethany
Good! [Someone laughs.]
john
Heather has expressed a high emotional stake, uh, whether you describe it as anxiety or pain, as Jane was pointing it out, or something else. A high emotional trigger potential in watching season seven that they wish to avoid. Bethany, do you have a similar kind of emotional feeling of... missing-out-ness, a fear of missing seasons, when you are—when you have not watched a whole thing? 'Cause you describe yourself as a completist.
bethany
Um... mm... I mean, I—I do like to finish things, but I don't think that I feel any panic or anything like that.
john
No. Okay.
bethany
It's really more—it's not that everything has to be finished. It's really this one thing. You know, I mean, it is one of the things that we talked about I think the first night that we ever spent time together. Like, it just has been a constant in our relationship for as long as we've known each other. So I think this thing is different from most other things.
john
Why do you think it's so meaningful to you?
bethany
Willow and Tara was—they were one of the first lesbian couples on prime time TV.
john
Yeah.
bethany
One of the first, if not the first, lesbian kiss on prime time television. And it wasn't done to titillate, or for ratings, or anything like that. You know, Willow and Tara really were treated as a real couple, just like any other couple, on that show. And it wasn't something that I think Heather and I had, like, seen in a show that we related to as much, or that felt as current and relevant for us.
john
Yeah! You saw it, and you felt seen.
bethany
Mm-hm!
heather
Mm-hm.
john
But Heather, you kind of jumped in with a little comment there that I couldn't quite hear, when Bethany was talking about the first kiss on—first—?
heather
Oh. I was like—a lot of shows at that time were having people, like, in, like, Ally McBeal, like—
john
Right.
heather
—they were making—having people make out, like, two ladies make out, and like, other things, women make out, just for ratings. And that's not what they did on Buffy.
john
Right. Right.
heather
Which really made—
bethany
Mm-hm.
heather
—like, made everything, like, more real.
bethany
It never felt exploitative.
heather
Yeah.
bethany
Yeah.
crosstalk
John: [Inaudible.] Jane: By the way, I— John: Please.
jane
There was a kiss earlier than Buffy on Ellen, which I also wrote for. [Jane laughs, someone gasps.]
john
Oh!
jane
So I—I know for a fact, 'cause I wrote both of 'em, that the Ellen one was first.
crosstalk
John: You wrote both the kisses? Heather: Thank you, Jane!
bethany
Thank you!
jane
I wrote on both shows.
john
Oh.
jane
And I definitely wrote kisses on Ellen, but I don't know that I wrote—I didn't write the first one, definitely, 'cause that was the season before I was there.
john
Was there a discussion in the room about what Bethany and Heather are talking about? How to portray this relationship, and—and to portray this relationship?
jane
Absolutely. Yes. And it—and they're absolutely right. It was not about ratings. It was very much Joss saying, "This is a thing missing from our show, it feels right for these characters, that we're gonna do 'cause it's right for our story and it's right for the world, and they will definitely be treated like any other couple on the show."
jesse
Jane, I wanna compliment you on how that felt in the show. And also as someone who... really hates vampires— [Jane chuckles.] —um, I call them Draculas. I'm really grateful at how you portrayed those of us who hate Draculas. [John and the litigants laugh.]
jane
Thank you. I—that—that—that means a lot.
jesse
[Stifling laughter] A lot of people just do it for ratings, is why I mentioned. [More laughter.]
john
But Jesse, there are some pretty good Draculas on the show! There are some good guy Draculas, right?
jesse
Yeah, I think there are some good guy Draculas on Buffy. [More laughter.]
john
Yeah. How do you—do you feel that that is a misrepresentation of Draculas in real life?
jesse
Um, I think we should be suspicious of all Draculas. I guess it's conceivable there could be a good Dracula, but I—I've never met one.
john
Your legend of intolerance continues. [Jesse and others laugh.] Is—what—is there any other shows that you two are into? Where a dispute like this has come up?
bethany
There's really nothing that we have had this kind of dispute on.
john
Mm-hm.
heather
Hm-mm.
bethany
Like Jane mentioned, Heather did stop watching Glee, and I finished it, but I—I don't—I don't wish that on Heather. [Heather and Jane laugh.]
john
Well, you're a—you're a completist.
bethany
I don't wanna inflict that. I don't—I think that has to be taken on by choice.
john
Sometimes the journey of the completist is a lonely one. [Multiple people laugh.]
bethany
So true! [John laughs.]
jesse
Yeah, just ask the people who are finally getting to this episode of Judge John Hodgman 12 years from now. [Everyone laughs.]
john
Let's put a pin in that. I'll discuss that in my verdict. [More laughter.] You say this has been going on for ten years. How often does it come up?
heather
Oh. Um, few times a week?
john
Whoa, what?!
heather
[Laughs.] Yeah.
john
Wow!
bethany
That was—that was Heather, and I—
heather
That was—
bethany
[Laughing] I object!
john
Heather said a few times a week, and Bethany objects. Is that correct? Do I understand this correctly?
bethany
[Laughs.] Yes.
john
What is your objection, Bethany?
bethany
I think that maybe it's come up a few times a week recently, because we knew that, you know, this dispute was gonna be settled once and for all, so obviously we're bringing it all up now.
heather
Okay.
bethany
'Cause after today, it's gonna be said and done. I think before that, it came up only... occasionally? Once a month or less?
heather
Once or twice a month, maybe. I don't know. [Laughs.]
john
Once or twice a month for ten years... [Bethany and Heather or Jane laugh.]
bethany
I know it's still a lot of times.
jesse
That's 120 or 240 times! [More laughter.]
john
Thank you, Jesse, for doing the math. [Laughs.] I'm really very bad at math! It's really terrible. It's re—Jane Estenson, I can't subtract. Did you know that?
jane
I didn't know that, and I'm shocked.
john
I can't—gimme a subtraction problem.
jane
Fourteen minus nine.
john
[Stifling laughter] I don't know, wait a minute. [Jane laughs.] Fourteen... [Laughing] It's either thirteen or fifteen, I'm pretty sure. [Jesse laughs.]
jane
Oh, wow.
john
I'm genuinely stumped.
jane
You have a very bad problem. [Laughs.]
john
Genuinely stumped. Now give me an addition problem.
jane
[Stifles laughter.] Nine plus fourteen. [Beat.]
john
That's—um, 23.
jane
Yes. [Laughs.]
john
Look, just—I mean, it took me a second, but I got there pretty well. I have to—you have to admit.
jane
I do. I do admit that. [Laughs.]
john
Fourteen minus... fourteen minus ten would be four...
jane
Mm-hm.
john
Never mind. [John, Jane, Jesse, and one of the litigants laugh.] Never mi—oh, five! The answer's five. Did I get it right?
jane
That's right! That's correct. You did eventually wander your way there. [John sighs in relief/victory. Someone or multiple someones laugh.]
john
Can't do it. Can't do the math, but those are numbers. [Jane laughs.] The point is, Bethany and Heather, these are numbers. These are—you're putting up real numbers. [Someone laughs.] And how does the dispute manifest? Like, sniping? Or, like, sobbing fights? [Someone laughs.] Or... disdain?
heather
Just bringing it—like if I'm watching a season, like, I'll go—I'll start—I'll get to a certain episode of season six and then start back to a certain other season, and then every time I do that, and she's like, "Well, you know, you could just watch season seven," and I'm like, "Yes, but... I won't." And then it just is like a cycle of, like, every time I'm, like, watching Buffy. And that's quite a lot, actually.
john
Yeah, how many—how much—how many times are you watching Buffy during the week? And remember I don't do math. [Someone chuckles.]
heather
Oh my goodness. Um—
john
Is it a part of your daily routine?
heather
Pretty much. I watch it like six or seven times a week, depending on...
john
Wow.
heather
It's just a feel-good show for me, even though lots of crazy things happen.
john
Oh boy, oh boy. And then how much other stuff are you watching?
heather
Right now, actually, I'm watching Grey's Anatomy.
john
Yeah.
heather
But we finished Castle Rock, which is good. Um, what else...
john
Hmmm! Season two?
heather
Castle—oh, this last—yes! Best season. Season one was so good. But season two is sooo much better.
crosstalk
Bethany: Lizzy Caplan is excellent. Heather: Lizzy Caplan killed it. Yeah.
john
Do you know, I have a friend who writes on that show named Obehi Janice? And she's also an incredible actor, and she's on a TV show that I wrote—co-wrote with my friend David Rees—called [bleep] town. It's got a dirty name, I'm sorry. [Multiple people laugh.]
bethany
Now, we'll have to watch it!
heather
Yeah!
john
You don't have to watch any—look. This is what it comes down to, right? Do you have to watch something? [Someone laughs.]
heather
No.
john
Or do you have choice and autonomy in this life? [Someone laughs.] Are you bound by the desire for completionism? Minus comic books, obviously. [The litigants laugh.] Or are you bound by your own personal preferences and being in touched with knowing what actually makes you happy? Bethany.
bethany
Yes.
john
I know what you want. You want me to make Heather watch this thing. I want you to look deep in your soul and answer me as truly as possible, using more than one word if possible. How do you think it would feel... to be sitting down and watching season seven with your beloved... because a man on a podcast made them do it? [Someone stifles laughter.]
bethany
Um...
john
It started out as a good feeling, right? Until I talked about—talked about the man on the podcast. [John and the litigants laugh.] Then it started to feel weird, right?
bethany
It's—it's not—it's not just any man. You know? It's...
john
Yeah.
bethany
It's a judge.
john
Hm.
bethany
Um, I—I think—I think that I could... push past the fact that Heather is only doing it by court order, and still, uh, have a great time. [Someone stifles laughter.] And really enjoy it.
john
You—would you feel excited?
bethany
Yes.
john
Would your heart beat a little faster? [Someone laughs.]
bethany
Probably!
john
Would it be beating a little faster because you never thought this day would come?
bethany
Yes.
john
Or would it be beating faster because... you finally got your way? [Multiple people laugh.]
bethany
I mean, both.
john
[Laughs.] You know what, I appreciate your honesty. [The litigants laugh.] Heather. [Laughs.]
heather
Yeah?
john
Do you take any pleasure in denying Bethany this desire to watch season seven with you? Is this fun for you?
heather
No, no. I hate saying no! Like, 'cause I know it's something that she wants me to do, so... so it's hard to say no, but I'm—right now I'm sticking to my guns.
john
Is there something that, if I were to rule in your favor and say you don't have to watch season seven, is there something you can offer as—in compensation? A season of some other show that maybe Bethany wants you to watch? Or, uh, a special meal to be paid for or prepared, or something else adorable?
heather
I'll finish The Good Place with her.
jane
[Gasps.] Yes, you must finish The Good Place! [Someone laughs.]
john
Wait a minute. [Jane laughs.] Wait a minute! Bethany, you haven't finished The Good Place?!
bethany
Not yet!
heather
It's because of me, because I haven't been wanting to watch it, so... but I will watch it with her.
john
Heather has offered to finish The Good Place with you. Is this a point of dispute?
bethany
It's—it's not a point of dispute, but it is something that I have been wanting to finish and always intended to. Whether Heather wanted to watch it with me or not.
john
So you're saying Heather's offer is no offer at all.
heather
[Laughing] Pretty much.
bethany
Well, I would have—I would have finished it either way, but it would be lovely to watch with Heather.
john
Before I go into my screening room and make my decision, Jane Espenson, any last thoughts that might affect my decision?
jane
[Sighs.] There is an episode in season seven called "Storyteller" that I wrote, that I'm—that—that Tom Lenk does such a great job with it, and it's such a unique, zesty little episode... that it—it—I—Heather, you might enjoy that one. But I wouldn't—I—you know.
heather
Yeah.
jane
It's entirely if—if you think it would delight you, that might be the one to watch. But that's all I have to say.
bethany
Not "Conversations with Dead People"? Your Hugo Award winner? [John laughs.]
jane
Also—[laughs]—also pretty—pretty cool.
bethany
Sorry. That was Bethany. [John and Jesse laugh.] I think that one's my favorite.
jane
I go for comedy. I will always pick comedy.
john
Let the record show that Bethany is extremely adept at manipulating the expert witness. [Jane, Bethany, and Heather laugh.] Or at least trying to.
jesse
Yeah, we can hear Jane Espenson blushing from [inaudible].
john
Yeah, I know! Yeah. [More laughter.]
jane
Too true.
john
Before I go into my chambers, then, Heather, would you watch that episode? If I were to order it?
heather
Uh, yes.
john
Alright. Interesting. Interesting. Okay. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to go into my private screening room, where the bootleg VHS copy of Brass Eye is on constant loop. [Multiple people laugh.] And I will be back in a moment with my decision.
sound effect
[As Jesse speaks below: Door opens, chairs scrape, footsteps. Door shuts.]
music
Music begins playing after the door opens, and cuts off when it closes.
jesse
Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Bethany, how are you feeling about your chances?
bethany
Really bad. [Heather or Jane chuckles.] But I knew—I knew I was probably fighting a losing battle, since the judge says, you know, "People don't like what they don't like."
jesse
[Stifling laughter] Did you know that I haven't watched the end of my favorite television show of all time?
bethany
What is it?
jesse
[Stifling laughter] The Wire.
crosstalk
Bethany & Jane: Is it because you don't want it to end?
jesse
Yeah, I got upset that it was gonna be over. [Jesse and someone else laugh.]
heather
Yeah.
jesse
I mean, at the end, maybe, like, it's—it—maybe the final season isn't the strongest season of the show, but that wasn't why at all. Like, it truly was just because I got sad. [Laughs.] That I wouldn't get to watch The Wire anymore.
jane
Yeah, that's what I thought Heather—I thought that's what your issue was going to be. [Jane and someone else laugh quietly.] And I'm—so I'm sorry to hear that it was Tara, and I'm very sorry.
jesse
Heather, how are you feeling?
heather
I'm feeling... okay. I'm—if I win, I win. And if I don't, then Bethany is gonna be super stoked, so... [Everyone chuckles.]
jesse
That's a generous way to think of it. We'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a second.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse
The Judge John Hodgman podcast is of course, as always, supported by all the members of Maximum Fun, all the folks who've gone to MaximumFun.org/join to become a member. This week, we're also supported in part by our friends at Miro. Miro is an online collaboration system that is honestly pretty darn cool!
john
It's ama—[laughs]—it's amazing. Do you know, Jesse, I haven't worked in a legit office for 20 years. This is my 20-year anniversary of leaving Writers House Literary Agency, the last office in which I worked. And I miss it so—I mean, apart from going into The Daily Show from time to time. And when I—like, when I went into The Daily Show, whenever I went back to visit that office, I was like, "Oh, I'm so glad to be here. Look at all these pens that I can use. Look at all—" [Both laugh.] "Look at all—look at all these coffee cups. Look at all these chances for goofing off with a friend." [Stifles laughter.] One of the things I really loved—"Look at these whiteboards!" The whiteboards at The Daily Show, just how everyone would, like, map out the week, and add their thoughts, and then the smell of those pens. I miss it so much! And Miro is a whiteboard! It's—this is what it is! It's like, the simplest idea in an office or a classroom. Writing something on the wall. You don't realize how essential that is until it's missing. If you're trying to do collaborative work online, it's hard to visualize and to organize thoughts. Miro is literally an online whiteboard, that brings teams together anywhere, any time.
jesse
Yeah. It has—I mean, this is a—it is a fully featured, easy-to-use, all-kinds-of-stuff place to put the information that you need to collaborate with people. It's not just, like, "draw on it." Although it is "draw on it." It's also organize your files, manage your complex projects, integrate with the stuff that you already use. Like if you're using Google Drive, if you're using Dropbox, if you're using Slack, whatever. You can even video chat with people, without even having to open up another video chat thing. You can do it right there in Miro.
john
Right.
jesse
And the coolest part is you can start collaborating for free when you sign up for an account at Miro.com—that's M-I-R-O.com/hodgman.
john
That's M-I-R-O.com/hodgman, spelled H-O-D-G-M-A-N, to sign up for a free account with unlimited team members.
jesse
Miro.com/hodgman. The first whiteboard that you make should probably be a spelling test on how to spell "Miro" and "Hodgman."
john
[Laughs.] The only thing that's missing from Miro, of course, is the smell of the whiteboard marker, but... until they figure that out, I'm just gonna get some whiteboard markers for myself, and I'll just smell 'em while I'm using it.
jesse
We're also supported this week by our friends at the podcast Vote! The Podcast. It's a terrifying and uncertain world right now. [Stifles laughter.] I don't think I need to inform our listeners of that fact. But we as Americans can take the reins by voting. And this limited podcast is all about what you can do to make sure your voice is heard this November. Vote! The Podcast produced by Vote.org and Spread the Vote.
john
Yeah. You know, I first became aware of Spread the Vote because I follow Kat Calvin on Twitter, an incredible voting organizer and activist. A really inspiring person, really inspiring organization, and one that is more important than ever before. If you feel powerless or overwhelmed or lost when it comes to voting or elections, uh, that's on purpose. That's because systems and structures are in place to make sure that voting is not easy. But luckily, Vote! The Podcast is here for you.
jesse
I'm an elections veteran. I used to work in the Department of Elections in the city of San Francisco. That might have been my last office job, actually—
john
Mm-hm.
jesse
—although we didn't really have an office. We just had a weird warehouse underneath San Francisco's Civic Plaza. It was, like, sort of underneath Bill Graham Civic Auditorium? It was very weird. But anyway, I really believe in protecting the right to vote, and spreading the right to vote. I'm so excited that we can have this sponsorship from this podcast. Which, by the way, is produced by our former producer, Julia Smith!
john
Yeah!
jesse
Our good friend who worked with us for many years, uh, worked with me for years even before she was the producer of Judge John Hodgman! And we know that with Julia at the helm, this is gonna be a really cool show. Plus there's lots of cool guests!
john
Yeah!
jesse
Stacey Abrams, LeVar Burton, Bradley Whitford. It's available now. Subscribe to Vote! in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you listen. Just search for "Vote! The Podcast."
john
It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of information. And you'll feel better when you listen to it. Vote!—exclamation point—The Podcast.
jesse
Let's get back to the case.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
sound effect
[As Jesse speaks below: Door opens, chairs scrape, footsteps. Indistinct audio, presumably from Brass Eyes_, plays after the door opens._]
jesse
Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.
sound effect
[Door shuts. Audio stops.]
john
This is a long one. That's 'cause I don't want it to end.
crosstalk
Bethany & Heather: Aw.
john
I don't want this—I don't want it to end!
heather
Mm-hm!
john
I like talking to Bethany, and I like talking to Heather. You're adorable.
bethany
Thank you.
john
And smart, and funny, and great. Jane Espenson, you know how I feel. I hope you do.
jane
I do. Aw.
john
You're one of my very favorite people in the world. You made my dream come true. [Jane chuckles.] To be on Battlestar Galactica. [Someone chuckles.]
jane
Yeah, you're very welcome.
john
Well... [Laughs.] Uh, maybe I shouldn't have been so welcome. [John and Jane laugh.]
jane
You were awesome! You were fantastic.
john
Well, that's kind of you to say. But when I first accidentally went on television, and then I got a big agent, they were like, "What do you wanna do, John? What do you wanna do? You can do anything you want!" And I'm like, "I don't belong on television. You're being absurd! I guess I would like—it would be a dream to be on Battlestar Galactica." [Someone laughs.] "But don't go too far. You know, don't push on that." And the next thing I know, I got this offer to be on Battlestar Galactica, on an episode written by Jane Espenson, whom I had already met at that This American Life thing in Los Angeles and adored. And admired. And I looked through the script, and do you know what, Jane? I had one of the most terrified feelings of my life, because you gave me lines!
jane
[Laughs.] I did! You had to say words!
john
I didn't wanna talk on the show! [Laughs.] It—the most I wanted to say was "Aye, aye." [Laughs.] That's all I—I didn't wanna be—I wanted to be like, a space bartender mopping up a space bar with a space rag. [Multiple people laugh.] You know what I mean? I just wanted to be—I wanted to be, like, Pee-wee Herman at the end of Pee-wee's Big Adventure in the background of his own movie. "Paging Mr. Herman." That's all I wanted. [Multiple people laugh.] Like, you took work away from Canadian actors and gave it to me. [More laughter.] I don't know whether it was good or bad for the show. All I know is it was one of the best days of my life. And then hanging out with you in Vancouver afterward. We had dinner, and Edward James Olmos came over. Holy moly! [A couple people laugh quietly.] Bethany and Heather, are you hearing this?
heather
Yep.
bethany
Yeah! That's amazing!
john
Yeah. Like, I got to be inside television! [Someone laughs.] 'Cause I'm like—I'm like you two. I watch it. [Stifles laughter.] I love it. It's a—it was a real Pandora's Box that I walked into, getting to be inside television. It was too much for me.
bethany
[Stifling laughter] I bet.
john
It was too overwhelming. Because these things that we love, they are real in our heads. That's what makes our connection to them so strong. And not that I didn't have a great time with Katee Sackhoff, and Michael Trucco, and all the other great actors that I got to... pretend to be an actor with. We all had a good time. But you know, it was weird to be there on the set! And know that, at that point, the show was coming to an end. You know? And to be there with the actors as they talked about how their real lives were going to change. And they were gonna move back to LA, or they had to line up another job. It took me out of the show that I loved, in a way. Even though I was in it, it took me out of it. And in many ways, the show did to me what I did to other viewers of the show, as the Internet reported the moment my big old face showed up on television. I took them out of it. [Laughs.] Took them out of their show! [Laughs.] They're like, "What's the PC doing there? Get him off the screen!" [Someone laughs, someone else makes a sympathetic sound.] It was a great experience. But we—but these things are real. And I truly—I was with Jane. I thought for sure that Heather was gonna come in here going like, "I don't wanna watch the seventh season, because then it will finally be over. And as long as I never watch the seventh season, it'll be like the chapter of my favorite book that I slow-walk through. I just don't want it to end. And if I watch the seventh season, it'll finally be over, because of course those comic books don't count. Ptooey! The worst. Comic books!" [John and someone else laugh.]
john
But that's not what Heather reporter. What Heather reported was—Bethany, as you heard. You were here. And apparently you've been married... for years. [John and someone else laugh.] And together for a decade. So you've heard at least—what was it, 120 to 240 times? [More laughter.] Jesse?
jesse
Yeah.
john
Yeah.
jesse
That's correct.
john
That Heather had a—an adverse emotional reaction to the way a favorite character, and an onscreen relationship that was so meaningful to you both, was handled! And no discredit. No discredit to the makers of TV shows. They gotta make the TV show the way they make the TV show. That's the way it goes!
bethany
Mm-hm.
heather
Mm.
john
But there are times when the real show that you have conjured in your head, had bonded—the collaboration that happens between a single viewer, reader, listener, and a beloved piece of culture, had come to an end. And I mean, I don't think you're gonna be surprised, Bethany, that I feel like that end has to be respected. Bethany, as I mentioned before, a completist's road is a lonely road. I understand the impulse to want to read every little bit of that comic book. Every last issue of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen by Alan Moore. And the illustrator, whose name I forgot, and I'm gonna be really mad 'cause he's a brilliant illustrator. And I'm sorry to mention comic books in front of you, 'cause obviously they're garbage. But, you know, I like them. [Multiple people laugh.] And yet, sometimes that becomes a slog and a burden. I don't think that that's what's going on with you and season seven of Buffy, Bethany.
bethany
No.
john
I don't think that's going on with you at all. I don't think you're one of those completists who have to have—feel a compulsion to absorb culture completely and in a certain way. This message is not for you. This message is for all the poor, lonely souls that I hear from on Twitter and the Maximum Fun subreddit and in my email, saying, "I just—[stifles laughter]—I just finally got halfway through your podcast after three years of listening." [John and someone else laugh.] "Can't wait for the next six years of stuff you've already recorded." [More laughter.] "I'll get there eventually!" I'm—this message is for all of you JJHo completists out there. You're off the hook! You don't have to do what you're doing! [More laughter.] I know Jesse told you, in an episode number that you probably remember and noted down, that the way to listen to a podcast is the most recent episode and then start from the beginning. But if you're truly a completist, you know that I disagreed with him then! You listen to whatever you want! In whatever order you want! The show changes! It's different! Maybe the show you love, the Judge John Hodgman you love, ended at episode 200! I know there are people who stopped listening after we stopped with the soft jazz, and clearing the docket at the end of the episode. That's their Judge John Hodgman! [More laughter.] Just as Heather's Buffy ended... in season six. And/or continues in her own fanfic, and brain, and headcanon, and everything else. And if this were merely a question of Heather being sad or afraid to finish a thing, then I would order in your favor. Because finishing a thing when you don't wanna let it go? That's a thing that has to happen. That's a grown-up, hard, but it's part of absorbing the whole thing. The whole piece of culture that you love.
john
But not finishing a thing because you feel like, "It went in a direction that I don't like anymore, and it honestly is painful for me to contemplate watching it," that's NG. Stands for No Good. Can't order that. People like what they like. People don't like what they don't like. People can't like what they haven't seen. But Heather shouldn't be forced to watch something that they... don't want to watch! That they are concerned—especially if they are concerned that it would be emotionally painful. Just so their most beloved person on Earth—that's you, Bethany—can check off some box. [John and the litigants laugh.] However, in the spirit of compromise and marital surrender—which, in a good marriage, everyone surrenders all the time. Both ways.
bethany
[Laughs.] Yep.
john
If I were you, Bethany, I would take Heather's good faith offer to watch the episode that Jane recommended. Which one is it again, Jane?
jane
"Storyteller."
john
"Storyteller." I would take that and run with it. [Someone laughs.]
john
This is the sound of a gavel.
music
Brief clip of music. Percussion and electric guitar.
john
[Someone laughs quietly.] Judge John Hodgman rules; that is all.
sound effect
[As Jesse speaks below: Door opens, chairs scrape on the floor, footsteps.]
jesse
Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.
sound effect
[Door shuts.]
jesse
Heather, how do you feel?
heather
Um, darn good. [Heather and Jesse laugh.] But I love my wife, so... I don't wanna see her sad.
jesse
How about you, Bethany?
bethany
I—I knew it was—you know. I knew it was a long shot, so I—I feel alright. I—I'm glad to have it settled.
jesse
Jane, how do you feel?
jane
I feel fantastic! [Laughs.] This was—I think that was a good verdict! And it was lovely to get to meet you, Bethany and Heather.
crosstalk
Heather: It was nice talking to you! Bethany: It was—it was amazing to talk to you. Heather: It's a dream. Bethany: Yeah.
bethany
You're—you're one of our heroes.
heather
Yes.
jane
Ohhh, yay!
sound effect
[Door opens and shuts.]
john
Before we go, do you have any other questions you wanna talk to Jane? 'Cause you will never speak to her again. Ever. [Jane and Jesse laugh.]
bethany
Jane, what is your favorite show that you have never written on?
john
Great question!
jane
Oh, boy. That—if you're opening it up to all of history, I gotta say MAS*H.
bethany
Oh!
jane
God, I would have loved to have been a writer back in the era of writing for MAS*H. Yeah.
jesse
You would be a great MAS*H writer. [Someone laughs.]
jane
I would—I would have loved that.
john
Come on, what would it take to reboot MAS*H? [Jane and someone else laugh.] I mean, that's—I feel like just 'cause we said it, it's happening now. Jane, is there anything you wanna let people know about before you go back off into the late night of London, England?
jane
[Laughs.] Just thanks, everyone, for continuing to watch Buffy! I'm delighted to hear people still sit down and watch it as a—as a daily experience? Amazing.
john
They said six or seven times a week! [Two people laugh.] If I'm doing my math right, that's 120 times a month. So... [More laughter.]
jane
That's—that's right.
bethany
Yep.
john
Jane, thank you so much for being here.
jane
Thank you.
john
Bethany and Heather, thanks so much for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
bethany
Thank you!
heather
Thank you so much.
bethany
It was a pleasure.
heather
Yes. Had fun.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse
Another Judge John Hodgman case in the books. We wanna thank every single person who has gone the extra mile to become a MaxFun member. Thank you for making this show and all of our work possible. The fact that we are able to do this independently, with direct support from our audience, remains a marvel to me. This is—[laughs]—this is not the business that I imagined I would be in when I was doing my college radio show 20 years ago. It is something that has developed out of an incredible, supportive community over decades. And as the world has gotten very hard around us, I have felt even more profoundly grateful that this is how I make my living. And how we're able to make these shows. So thank you to everybody. Not just folks who have the dough to be members right now, but everybody who's supported us by listening, spreading the word, sending us a kind Tweet or email. Everybody. We just want to say thanks.
john
So if you haven't had a chance to become a member yet, I'll say that URL again! MaximumFun.org/join. Or just... you know, send it to a friend, if you want to. Or write it down on a piece of paper and leave it under a windshield wiper, or something. [Jesse laughs.] Any little thing really helps. And we're glad to be here for you. And we're grateful that you're here for us. Thank you.
jesse
Now. Before we dispense some Swift Justice, we wanna thank Kathleen O’Donnell for naming this week's episode, "Vampirical Evidence." If you'd like to name a future episode, like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out our calls for submissions there. Follow us on Twitter at @JesseThorn and @hodgman. Hashtag your Judge John Hodgman Tweets #JJHo, and check out the MaxFun subreddit, MaximumFun.Reddit.com, to chat about this week's episode. We're on Instagram at @judgejohnhodgman, where you can see lots of great evidence. And, you know, I'd say 40%, uh, funny pictures of pets doing something dumb. This week's episode was recorded by Jim Blackwood at Arizona Public Media, and our friend Ben Partridge! In London, England!
john
Yaaay! [Singing the Big Ben chimes] Bing bong, bing bong...
jesse
Thanks to Ben Partridge, the host of the brilliant and amazing Beef and Dairy Network Podcast. One of the most hilarious shows in the entire MaxFun lineup, if you've never checked it out. Oh man, it's so funny.
john
It's really great.
jesse
I think it might be my favorite funny one. I—oh, I love it so much. This episode produced by Jennifer Marmor, and Hannah Smith. Now! Swift Justice. Where we answer your small disputes with a quick judgment. Tara says: "I say we need several cheese knives for cheeses of different textures. My husband says we just need a regular kitchen knife. I feel only a former monger of cheese can help us resolve this disa-brie-ment."
john
Disqualified. Disqual—throw—throw them out.
jesse
"Please note—please note—" Wait. No, I gotta finish reading this. "Please note my terrible use of puns is not on trial."
john
Oh, I'm sorry. It is. It is, Madam. [Both laugh.] Buuut I can't take too much issue, as I am the co-host of a once-a-decade podcast about cheese with Jordan Morris called Shooting the Bries. [Both laugh.] So named by Jesse Thorn!
jesse
Yep. That's true. [Laughs.]
john
That was a—that was a fun podcast, talking about cheese with Jordan Morris... two years ago? And one of the things, Jesse, I don't know if you recall, was that I remembered a time going in to buy fancy cheese at a fancy cheese store in Silver Lake, Los Angeles, and put it together that Jordan was the one who sold me the cheese. Long before we knew each other.
jesse
[Bursts out laughing.] That's tremendous.
john
And I feel confident that Jordan Morris, also a fellow former monger, would agree with me: yeah. You need different knives for different cheeses! These are—let me break it down. Real quick. You got your bloomy rind cheeses. That's your bries! Right? The ones with white mold. You got your crumble bleu cheeses. You got your washed rind cheeses. That's like your—your Munster, your Tollegio. They got that orange-y color on the outside. Also soft. And then you got your hard cheeses! Your cheddars! And then you got your semi-hard ones! And your—your Etorkis! You don't wanna be mixing up your bloomy rind with your Etorki! Come on! Come on, Tara's husband, you know this! You can't just use a kitchen knife. At the very least, you need a couple of different knives so that you're not mixing up the different flavors of the cheese! Particularly those runny cheeses. They're gonna get all over that knife! Do you need different kinds of knives? I would argue... if life is offering you an opportunity to buy different kinds of knives, you take it! That's awesome! But at the very least, yes. Separate knives, at the very least, for your bleu, your bloomy rind, your washed rind, and your hards. That's four knives! Three—you can get by with three. You can really get by with two. But get a fun cheese knife set! [Scoffs.] Jordan Morris would agree with me. And if he doesn't... then he's out of the monging union. [Jesse laughs.] I'll see it happen. I'll see it happen!
jesse
That's it for this week's episode. Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org/jjho or email hodgman@maximumfun.org. No case is too small. We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
music
A cheerful guitar chord.
speaker 2
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
Artist owned—
speaker 4
—audience supported.
About the show
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