TRANSCRIPT Ep. 327: Men In Black: International

Transcript

dan mccoy
									
On this episode, we discuss Men in Black: International.
stuart wellington
									
Brought to you by the International Male Catalogue—your number one source for sleeveless dusters.
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
dan
									
Hey everyone, and welcome to The Flop House. I’m Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
Hey, Dan. It’s me, Stuart! Uh, Wellington!
elliott kalan
									
Hey, Stuart! [Dan chuckles.] Hey—okay, I’ll wait ‘til you guys say hello to each other before I [laughs]—before I introduce myself. Have you guys seen each other not that recently? Or what’s going on?
dan
									
I mean, we actually haven’t seen each other—like the last time I think was when we taped last. So, it’s been a little while.
stuart
									
Well, we did a live show on Saturday.  [Dan affirms with a laugh.]
elliott
									
So, it’s been a week. No, but you guys catch up. Talk about what’s happened.
dan
									
I erased that from my memory.
elliott
									
Tell each other about your Halloweens and I’ll sit here and then I’ll introduce myself afterwards.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uuh, no introduce— Stuart: I mean, we should probably just do the show. I mean, Dan and I could do this off-mic. Dan: I mean—yeah, there’s no need to—
elliott
									
Can you? It doesn’t—it seemed like you were ready to do it right now, during the show.
dan
									
Like this is a— [stammering] the audience doesn’t tune in for this kind of passive aggressiveness. I mean, they do a little bit, but mostly—
stuart
									
Yeah. It’s the friendship they enjoy. [Dan agrees.]
elliott
									
I’ll say I’m the third member of this mouvage à trois--that’s movie watching with three people. And my name’s Elliott Kalan, but we also have a special guest today! You’ll recognize her from television, movies, and print—that’s right, the Triple Crown. She’s the co-host of the all-new Max Fun podcast, Tiny Victories, and also the author of the upcoming book, You’re Leaving When?, which comes out March of next year, I believe. 2021? And, most importantly to me, she was the host for many years of Dinner and a Movie on TBS, where I learned how to cook pasta when I was younger. So, please help us in welcoming Annabelle Gurwitch. Annabelle, thank you very much for joining us.
annabelle gurwitch
									
Oh, hello! I’m so glad you learned how to make pasta, because I didn’t learn how to make anything. [Elliott chuckles.] I—we had a chef onset with us, and actually like—for like 24 hours, I would know how to make the dish that we made on the show and then my—just like the nebulizer in Men in Black series, I would do—my memory would be wiped totally. So, I’m glad you retained some cooking skills from me.
elliott
									
The very—the very basics. The very basics.
dan
									
Elliott—yeah, I wanted to—I wanted to query this a little bit. Now, when you say you learned how to cook pasta—
elliott
									
Quary?
stuart
									
Ah, just go with it.
dan
									
You—do you mean that you learned how to, like, make the entire dish with the sauce or are you literally just talking about cooking pasta? ‘Cause that is a pretty easy process. You just boil some salted water and put the pasta in for between 8 to 12 minutes, if it’s packaged dried pasta, and maybe around 3 if it’s a newer pasta.
stuart
									
Can’t believe he’s showing off.
elliott
									
Well, Dan. Dan, I don’t appreciate you pas-splaining to me. And cook-shaming my lack of general knowledge about cooking. [Dan agrees with a laugh.] I would—nobody’s born knowing how to make pasta, Dan. You gotta learn it from somewhere and my parents did not teach me. [Dan confirms.] So, I learned it from Dinner and a Movie.
dan
									
I mean, you could also learn it from the pasta box. That’s— [laughs] the other place that people it pick up, on the streets. You know?
elliott
									
So, I just see a box of pasta lying on the street and you think I’m gonna pick that up and read it thoroughly and then eat it?! I don’t think so, Dan.
dan
									
Okay. Fair enough.
annabelle
									
Daniel, I—Dan, I just feel like you wanted to take away the fact that I imbued some knowledge to Elliott. [Elliott and Stuart laugh, and Dan denies it.] I feel like you’re just going—taking that away from me. It’s like—I feel it’s a life achievement, okay?! During this pandemic, I’m hanging onto little—little, tiny—okay, tiny victories like having taught Elliott how to make pasta. Don’t take that from me, man!
elliott
									
Yeah, Dan.  [Dan agrees dejectedly.] Dan.
dan
									
Alright, I—yeah, no, that’s fair. That’s fair. I, you know—
stuart
									
And what did I see on your bookshelf behind you, Elliott? Is that an award for best pasta maker in Los Angeles?
elliott
									
Yes. Well, thanks to Dinner and a Movie, I did go to CIA: The Culinary Institute of America. And I became a Master Pastologist, and I did win the LA citywide pasta competition and, yes. As you can see, the trophy is—it’s just gold pasta. It’s just like gold linguini that’s in a ball. It looks like a ball of yarn.  [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
And it spells out—it spells out, “That’s amore.” Right?  [Dan giggles.]
elliott
									
[Chuckling.] No, no, that’s—no, no, it’s actually in front of a—one of those three dimensional paintings you see in like an older aunt’s house, where it’s like, “Hollywood!” And it’s like a lot of tourist stuff and they have pieces of wood that make it look like a three-dimensional picture. Maybe my aunt is the only one who had one of these, but that’s what says, “That’s amore,” in the back. [Stuart laughs.] I really—I really embraced my not—my New Jersey roots. I wasn’t—I’m not Italian, but you know, when you’re from Jersey, you’re a little Italian. So. [Dan and Stuart agree.]
annabelle
									
Oh my god, I just—I just saw that Chris Christie is on Cameo and he got tricked, I guess—I don’t know. How much—how much brainpower does it take to—is it okay if I say this?—trick Chris Christie?  [Laughs.]
elliot
									
I think it’s totally okay. [Dan laughs.]
annabelle
									
Alright. He got tricked into making an endorsement video for—a Cameo for Democrat—a Democrat candidate. [They laugh.] First of all, you deserve it! If you’re on Cameo and you’re Chris Christie and you’re for sale for $100. I don’t know. It’s just—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: $100 isn’t bad. Annabelle: I’m not feeling sorry for him. [Dan agrees.]
stuart
									
Maybe—I’ll keep Chris Christie in mind while I put together my feature film that is made entirely out of Cameo purchases. [Elliott and Annabelle cackle.]
annabelle
									
That’s funny!
dan
									
Annabelle, I wanna apologize to you. My verve and passion for trying to get Elliott back for the many licks he’s gotten in on me over the years had the unfortunate side effect of attacking you.
elliott
									
There was a lot of blowback to that one, Dan! A lot of blowback. [Dan agrees.]
annabelle
									
Yeah, I know, but I—listen, I loved doing that show because my—one of my favorite things are to—is to talk about movies. And I was a little bit—ham— [stammers] what is the word?! Hamstrung? I was a little bit—okay, suddenly it sounded wrong, ‘cause it was food in it.
dan
									
No, it’s perfectly right! As a—as using the word “query” would have been for what I said before, but I suddenly was—
elliott
									
I mean, I’ve never heard it pronounced “quary”, but you know. Like “scary”.
annabelle
									
[Articulating.] Queer-y. But—quay-rery…
elliott
									
Yeah, queer-y I would say.
dan
									
Is more of a highfalutin sort of British pronunciation of the word that some in America use, but not the real salt of the earth types like me.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah, right. I guess I should—I should say it like I’m a backwoods frontiersman. Dan: From a small-town in Illinois. Elliott: Who is—who’s trying to find out if there’s a racoon or a pie-stealer outside my barn.
dan
									
See, it’s this sort of snobbishness that has driven middle America away, Elliott. [Stuart agrees.]
elliott
									
Metal America?! I’m a member of metal America, Dan. I love metal. [Dan laughs.] Judas Priest, my favorite band.
annabelle
									
Okay, I did not actually finish my sentence.
dan
									
Oh, sorry.  [Elliott laughs.]
annabelle
									
 [Inaudible.]^
dan
									
Well, that happens a lot here. But—
annabelle
									
 [Interrupting.] No! No, it’s okay! It’s okay. But I was going to just say, I was—I was acting at the time I did that show. And so, sometimes—on Dinner and a Movie—so, I sometimes held back on certain opinions and I really spend my time writing, now. And so, I’ve created just totally  [laughing]—just, like  [inaudible].
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh man, take the gloves off! Annabelle: I know!  [Laughs.] Woo-hoo! Elliott: Well, apparent— Annabelle: And it’s really just—people are just devastated by my reviews.  [The three of them burst into laughter.] Annabelle: We’re creating havoc in the industry! Ugh! Dan: Yeah. Annabelle: Yeah. Dan: So, uh—
stuart
									
That’s appropriate because this—at first, we thought this was gonna be a pasta podcast. And then we thought it was gonna be a podcast about pronunciation, but in fact it’s a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. Right, guys?  [Dan agrees.]
elliott
									
That’s the theory! That’s the theory or they-ry.
stuart
									
What did we watch about—what did—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I guess I should pronounce it they-ry. Dan: You took this— Elliott: That’s the way Dan would say to pronounce it.
dan
									
You took the segue right out of my mouth, Stuart. And thank you for that. ‘Cause that thing was hurting. That was a—  [Stuart agrees several times.] I ate a whole segue.  [Laughing.] No, uh, yeah. We watched Men in Black: International, with a cavalcade of stars. You got your Tessa Thompson. Your Chris Hemsworth. Liam Neeson. Emma Thompson. Kumail Nanjiani does a voice. Uh, I feel like I’m forgetting--oh, uh Rachel Ferguson.
stuart
									
Uh, Rebecca Ferguson.
dan
									
Rebecca Ferguson! Sorry. Rachel…
stuart
									
Uuuh, I… I can guarantee you googled “Rebecca Ferguson feet” before, Dan. You can’t trick me with that mispronunciation.
dan
									
[Laughing.] Um. Uuh, yeah Rebecca Ferguson, who you may know from the Mission: Impossible movies, the later ones, and wearing a hat in Doctor Sleep. A lot of great actors.
elliott
									
We all know about that hat, sure.
dan
									
In this movie. And Elliott, I believe you are talking about it? Or is Stuart?
elliott
									
I’ll be—I’ll be summarizing this film today. Now, just to keep—get everyone back up to speed, because the old Men in Black movies have been a while ago, now. They followed Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones as two super-secret agents who were trying to keep the Earth safe from aliens who are attacking Earth, by which I mean fleeing to Earth for a better life. So, it was only while watching this movie that I was like, “Oh, this movie is about like Space ICE.”  [Dan and Stuart make sounds of understanding.] These Men in Black movies are all about, like, if ICE dealt with aliens. And they're the heroes and also they erase people’s memories routinely. They’re kind of the bad guys. Which is—the place of Men in Black in UFO literature traditionally has been as bad guys, who try to cover up real UFO sightings. But those movies flipped it on its head, and they made us love secretive, semi-fascist policing using taxpayer funded advanced technology that we never get to see! Anyway, Men in Black: International.
stuart
									
Hey, are they—are they a government agency? I can’t remember.
elliott
									
Well, in the—in the original movie, it’s—I think they’re a US government agency, but here they are, as the title says, international.  [Dan agrees.] So, maybe the UN is funding them? Or maybe they just do it for kicks? I don’t know.
dan
									
I also wanna note that there was actually a bigger gap between Men in Black II and Men in Black III than between Men in Black III and Men in Black: International. There was a ten-year gap between the second one and the third one. Because the second one was a big flop and there’s only a seven-year gap between Men in Black III and this attempted sort of reboot with other characters.
elliott
									
And what lesson can we draw from that, Dan?
dan
									
I don’t know, I just thought it was kind of interesting.
stuart
									
What’s the—the second one was a big flop?
dan
									
Yeah. Well, I mean—
stuart
									
That’s the one with Lara Flynn Boyle, right? Laura? Lara?
dan
									
I can’t actually speak to how it did financially. I don’t think it did that well, but it was definitely not liked by basically everybody.
elliott
									
And the first one was a huge hit. It was boffo BO, and that—this pic had legs. Hicks did not nix this stick’s pix. And that’s all the Variety headlines I know. So, let’s talk about what happens in this one, Men in Black: International. First off, we know this isn’t gonna be a regular movie, ‘cause the Columbia Pictures logo shows up. There’s Columbia, the personification of liberty in the western hemisphere. And she slips on a pair of Men in Black sunglasses. Uh-oh!
stuart
									
At first I thought that a reference to the Joe Cool character from the Snoopy comics, but nope.  [Elliott laughs.] I think it’s Men in Black.
annabelle
									
[Laughs.] Wait! I just realized something. I think I watched the wrong movie.
dan
									
Oh, that’s great. [Stuart and Elliott agree.] We can describe it to you.
elliott
									
Okay, so. [Dan laughs.] Now, we’ll tell you the story of this one. This was—okay. Perfect. So, then, let— [Annabelle breaks into laughter.] Then you’ll be experiencing this movie for the first time the way it was meant to be done: with me telling you about it. So, uh, we start off. It’s Paris, 2016. And Chris Hemsworth and Liam Neeson, they’re Men in Black London agents. They’re called H and T. All the Men in Black agents—
annabelle
									
[Mournfully.] Wrong movieee…
elliott
									
Uh-oh. Which one did you—did you watch the first one or did you watch another one?
stuart
									
Yeah, which one did you watch?
annabelle
									
[Beat.] Okay, [laughing] I’m so—I must have, like, the worst case of COVID brain. I watched the—it was so terrible! It was the one where they travel back in time.
elliott
									
I think that’s the third one.
stuart
									
Oh, wow.
dan
									
Which I would—I would say is better than the second one. But—
annabelle
									
I thought I was supposed to watch the third one. I—
stuart
									
Sometimes when we send literature, it’s not super clear. Did you write—when you—Elliott, when you wrote the email—
elliott
									
[Through laughter.] Literature!
stuart
									
When you said, “Men in Black: International.” Did you just write three “I”s? And that might seem like Men in Black III?  [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
It’s possible. It’s possible.
dan
									
Elliott slept—fell asleep at the keyboard in the middle of writing International, and he just—like, he like—just his nose hit the “I” multiple times instead of finishing the word “international”.
elliott
									
I have a typing problem called heavy finger, where my finger sometimes lingers a little too long on some of the letters and multiplies them. Okay. Well. Uh, don’t worry. We’re still gonna have—we’ll try to fit—I want you to—actually, while we’re going through, I want you to tell me if this was Men in Black III, what would they be doing at this point in the movie?  [Dan and Stuart cackle.] ‘Cause I’ve never seen Men in Black III.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Me neither! Elliot: So, I feel like we could both teach each other this time.
annabelle
									
Okay, at this point in the movie we are at the Lunar Prison, the international… it seemed international to me! How would I—I mean, it was like they were the international, Lunar Prism—Prison. Lunar Prison, where they were—where a… troglodyte-ish kind of person is—I mean, alien—is breaking out to come and come back to Earth and wreak havoc and they have to travel back in time to Tommy Lee Jones’s past, uh… and to, uh—for Will Smith to—to—to right and wrong that wasn’t—to finish uncompleted work. You know when they do that in a—in a sequel? You know. [They all hum in agreement several times.] The work that’s—that there was something left unfinished. And they had to go back in the past and it’s gonna change everything. But this was the—what happens in that movie, I’m just gonna give you the brief summary, is that was one of those movies where they seek to give you the backstory—the heartwarming backstory that you don’t give a shit about. [Dan laughs.] You just want campy fun. And it was fun and funny and they’re just gonna deny you that and try to pull at your heartstrings, and you’re like, “Nooo! That’s not what I’m tuning in for! Give me my funny aliens! I don’t wanna know Will Smith’s backstory! I just wanna see him be charismatic and be Will Smith.” That’s the movie in a nutshell.
elliott
									
Okay. I mean, this—there’s similar stuff going on in this one, as you’ll see. Uh, I will also mention though, how great would it have been if he had to go into Tommy Lee Jones’s actual past? And it’s like, he’s on the set of Coal Miner’s Daughter and Will Smith is like, “We gotta stop these aliens!” And he’s like,  [laughing] “I don’t understand what you’re taking about!” So, we’ll see that that movie sounds kind of like this one in some ways. So, it’s Paris, 2016. Agents H and T—that’s right, Chris Hemsworth and Liam Neeson—they’re from London, but they’re in Paris and they are—they’re kind of—they’re those kind of smug, like, “Uh-oh, another adventure! Well, let’s stop this one, old buddy.” And they interrupt a marriage proposal at the Eiffel Tower because the Hive, a kind of vague alien menace that absorbs other species and planets, are invading Earth. Aaah! Can they stop them!? They must have, because now we’re in Brooklyn and it—this is done as if it’s taking place at the same time as that, but it’s gotta be the 1990s, ‘cause this is Tessa Thompson’s character as a little girl and the idea that she aged 20 years in the past four years doesn’t make any sense. [Stuart agrees.] But it’s weird that they would go to 2016 and then without saying the year again, go way beyond that. But uh, this little girl, Molly, she encounters a kind of like Stitch-looking alien. Like Lilo & Stitch. And her parents are like—
stuart
									
Yep. That’s what it looked like!
elliott
									
Yeah, the parents are like, “There’s an animal—it’s some kind of animal!” And the Men in Black agents show up. They erase her parents’ memory, but they don’t erase hers. And she helps that alien escape by basically saying, “Go out that window right now!” She doesn’t really do that much to help it.
dan
									
Now, I wanna talk about a problem that I have with the Men in Black, procedurally. [Elliott affirms.] Because, uh—
elliott
									
This is the right forum for that, yes.
dan
									
Yes. So, Liam Neeson, Chris Hemsworth, and these two agents outside young Tessa Thompson’s house do the same thing. They both explain what’s actually happening, the alien thing that is actually happening, and then they neuralize them. And I’m like, “Well, why are you explaining this to these people beforehand if you’re just gonna erase their brain?” Especially when, in the second case, it allows Tessa Thompson to overhear you talking about aliens?  [Chuckles.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeeeah. Do you think that’s part of the way the neuralizer works? Where you have to, like, say—by, like, saying it, it brings it to the forefront of your brain and then you’re like—
elliott
									
Ooooh, maybe!
stuart
									
“Time to wipe that chalkboard clean!”
annabelle
									
Yeah, I—no, I have a problem with the procedural aspect, too, of all the Men in Black movies with that aspect. Because I also feel like, “Why don’t they show us the story of the actual repercussions that happen from that?” One of—just, one in like—there’s always, like, a crowd, right? And so, like, someone goes home and their… wife is really pissed at them, because they can’t remember where they were. “Oh, yeah! Likely story!” Or—does it just delete that time? I mean, I really need to know, like, how that works. [They all agree.]
elliott
									
Somebody gets arrested by—somebody gets arrested by the regular police and they’re like, “Where you last night when the murder took place?” “I don’t remember! I wasn’t there, but I don’t remember! I didn’t do it!” And they’re like, “Okay, throw him away!” And the Men in Black are like, “We could testify on his behalf, but then we’d have to reveal there are aliens. So. Sorry, buddy.” [Stuart agrees.]
dan
									
Well, they do fill in the—everyone’s memory with a false memory after they neuralize them. That part makes sense to me. It’s just like why do you have to—like, it really feels like they’re just, like, fucking these people.  [Laughs.] [Everyone agrees.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I mean, the real— Stuart: Yeah, I mean, that’s also possibly part of it. Elliott: Yeah! Wouldn’t you?
dan
									
The real screenplay reason is they’re explaining to the audience what’s going on. [Stuart jokingly reacts surprised.] But it just—I, like, why—why is this happening?! [Elliott laughs.] Thank you, Stuart.
annabelle
									
Well, and another one of those issues that I’m just gonna go super, super serious with this theory is because, you know, it’s—it exists on so many levels that are troubling. So, yes, there is a sort of fascist sort of element to the ICE group that, you know—that itself, which is probably—I’m sure there’s some Reddit somewhere, some Reddit thread and someone’s speculated that the ICE organization in Men in Black is funded by Bill Gates or something. [They agree.] But—
dan
									
This is in—this is in fiction, right? Not in the real Reddit? Or in real Reddit as well?
annabelle
									
It—no, in real Reddit. Real Reddit. You know—
elliott
									
Yeah, it’s QMIB. Yeah.
annabelle
									
There’s—there’s, like, this sort of like fascist undercurrent of all the things the government’s not keeping from you paired with the fuzzy, cute alien universe. ‘Cause it’s—it’s just sort of a funny dichotomy there, that I—it just—it’s just sort of a clash for me. In the first Men in Black, it was just all so silly and campy that I went with the sort of, “Okay, fascism, haha! I’ll go!” [They laugh.] You know, “You’re fun!” Fun fascism, right?
stuart
									
And you’re also—you’re also coming at it as an—I feel like in the first movie, you are thoroughly with Will Smith and you are coming at this world as an outsider. And there’s something about an outsider who is, like, learning about this new world that is—makes it slightly less scary. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong.
dan
									
Well, I also don’t—I mean, I don’t wanna be Men in Black apologists, because, like, sometimes they do seem to just be like, “Okay, these are illegal aliens. These are—they haven’t gone through the [stammering] proper channels.” But at the same time, like, you go around Men in Black headquarters. There’s plenty of aliens working there. They seem to be, like, cool with aliens in general. So, you know it’s that—
stuart
									
There are so many aliens. [Dan and Elliott agree.] They feel like… so much of the movie is people walking through rooms filled with aliens. Like, I feel like when Guillermo del Toro was in the movie theater, he was like, “More of this! Just more of this!” [Elliott starts to talk then stops.] “Don’t give them the story!”
elliott
									
It makes me wonder why if there’s so many aliens that work there, why are aliens a secret? [They agree.]
annabelle
									
Right, but also—okay, here’s another anomaly of the movies, and this is where I think it—I take it, you know—I’m taking this very—I take these things very seriously. So, in the Star Wars series, which I hold very sacrosanct, ‘cause I am that kind of creepy person, um—you know, the aliens, the funny alien costuming and, you know, like the Jabba the Hutt, uh… set pieces, right? In the bar. That’s intended as comic relief in the middle of a Joseph Campbell mythological, like, hero’s call to action film. Right? This is the continual saga being played out in Star Wars. It’s a serious movie, then you get these funny aliens. In the first Men in Black, the funny—it was all just funny aliens. Right? But then, I feel like they start to mix up their themes and then I’m not sure if the funny aliens are the point, if it’s a—if it’s—what kind of—I’m not sure what world we’re in, anymore. I get very confused.
elliott
									
That’s an issue that I had with this movie, too. ‘Cause I was not sure when I was supposed to care about things or not or what was serious and what wasn’t, because—well, let’s get back into the movie. I think that’s a good point. We got—so it’s present day and now Molly is all grown up. She’s Tessa Thompson. And she’s applying to all the, you know, the FBI, the CIA, trying to figure out how to join the Men in Black. But she keeps getting stonewalled. Luckily, at her tech support call center job, her computer can track space anomalies. And she tracks the suspicious trajectory—
dan
									
[Interrupting.] I mean, she probably—you know—installed an extra program. I’m guessing that one didn’t come with a—I don’t know IT put that on there.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I—probably not. Stuart: It’s probably the one she has in her apartment with the super killer graphics. [They agree.]
elliott
									
Yes, well, she—and she is logging in as—on the—
annabelle
									
Can I just interrupt you for one second? I don’t know if you follow this sort of stuff, but as someone who once—you know—was like a—well, I was like always a Star Trek girl and stuff. And so, I followed this stuff, but the intelligence agencies now allow for you to have smoked weed. I just wanted to mention that. They didn’t used to allow it, on the applications. Just in case any listener’s out there thinking of a career change during COVID.
dan
									
Are you recruiting?  [Stuart and Elliott laugh.] Is this like a backdoor recruitment? I mean, like—
elliott
									
Now, I love the idea of, like—like a—like a CIA agent who’s like, “Hey kids, you know what’s cooool? Getting high and protecting your country.”
dan
									
Yeah. I mean, now the one thing, you know, that was stopping me has been removed. I mean, other than the fact that I’m 42 and I haven’t trained in any sort of—any, you know, analysis or geopolitics.
annabelle
									
How many people have been quarantining at home thinking about a new career, smoking a lot of weed… young people! Young people just out of college, smoking a lot of—they’re home. What are you gonna do? And they’re—and now, they’re listening to this and they’re thinking, “Okay!”
stuart
									
I mean, young people don’t listen to this, but that’s okay. [They laugh.]
dan
									
No, a surprising number do! I don’t know why, because they’re all, like—these are all, like, middle aged people references that we make, for the most part. But, uh.
stuart
									
It’s like—it’s the comfort of hearing your dad’s weird friends in the next room.  [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So, uh, she—things are about to get a little more dramatic for Molly. She tracks this suspicious trajectory to a disguised crash site. There’s like a hologram that makes it look like a construction site. But really, the Men in Black are taking away this alien—everyone seems to know. He seems to be a famous alien. He’s never mentioned again. Not a character in the movie. Uh, Molly gets—
dan
									
Just a repeat offender, I think, is what’s being—but anyway.
elliott
									
Ah. Molly gets into a classic New York City yellow cab. “Follow that car!”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Goddamn it. Elliott: [In a New York accent.] “Alright! Whatever you say!” Stuart: I love—man, seeing a person without a mask getting in a New York cab. Ugh. I love it. Elliott: That’s the science fiction, am I right, Stu? Stuart: Ah, it made so sad. Yeah. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. She follows them to Men in Black headquarters, and she tries to sneak in by walking right in. Like, she doesn’t have much of a plan.
dan
									
It just occurred to me, this is where she told them to keep the motor running, right? Is this…
elliott
									
Yeah, so he’s still waiting for her.
dan
									
Like, keep the meter running, sorry I mean.
elliott
									
Well, no, he—she tells him to keep the meter running when they get to the crash site, I think? [Stuart and Dan affirm.] And then she goes, “Follow that car.” So. Yeah.
dan
									
Oh, okay. I thought—I, like in my head I’m like, “Wait a minute, did she just abandon that cab?” ‘Cause if she did, we were denied the post-credits sequence of that cab still waiting for her. That classic gag.
elliott
									
And the meter is up to, like, $40,000 and he’s like, [in a New York accent] “This is gonna put my kids through college!” Yeah.  [Dan agrees.]
stuart
									
Yeah, he’s rubbing his hands together.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] He’s like, [in a New York accent] “This is gonna be the best fare I ever had!” But he’s like hungry and he’s been holding in the—
stuart
									
[Interrupting.] He’s eaten his shoes at this point, and he’s gotta big beard.
elliott
									
He really has to use the bathroom, but he can’t get out of the car. Uh, so, she gets caught and taken to O, played by Emma Thompson. The head of the office. Now, all the Men in Black agents—worldwide—are called by one letter, which leads me to believe there are only 26 Men in Black agents in the entire world.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: But there’s so many people in the office! Dan: In the entire world!  [Inaudible]
elliott
									
And I guess four more in Spain. But it’s like a—they don’t—what do they do when they run out of letters, guys? What do you think?
annabelle
									
Oh! They double it! It’s like 007 (double ‘o’ seven). [Everyone makes sounds of understanding.] Double K.
dan
									
But what about W (double ‘u’). See, that’s where you run into problems. You gotta skip directly to Triple U. You gotta do that. [Elliott laughs.]
annabelle
									
Yeah, the Double U agents are like, “No! Ugh! God, please! Don’t do the Double U names! Don’t Double U me!”
elliott
									
“Don’t you—don’t you Double U me! Don’t you do it!” And you know that Molly because agent M and you know that she’s—she and agent N are always getting mixed up. She’s always getting agent N’s call. And agent N is always getting agent M’s call. It’s not a good system, I guess is what I’m saying.
dan
									
She—yeah, she always has to be like, “M! Like in marshmallow!” When she introduces herself to people.
elliott
									
Exactly. And agent B and D? It’s not a good—O and A. So, Emma Thompson’s like, “I’ve been impressed by your dedication to this and also how pathetically lonely you are.” ‘Cause Tessa Thompson says that relationships just distract you from the truth. Now we know what she’s about: learning how to love and trust. And she recruits her as a probationary agent. She does not get her neuralizer until she completes her first mission. And the neuralizer again is the amnesia device.
dan
									
[Laughing.] I love that that’s the one thing you don’t get. She gets to shoot all kinds of, you know, extremely dangerous weapons, but the neuralizer’s the one thing they’re like, “Eeeeh…”
elliott
									
Yeah, ‘cause it’s too much. Uh, so now we go back to London. Chris Hemsworth is going undercover to infiltrate alien smugglers, but he gets caught by them. He gets bitten by a three-headed snake and in exchange for the antidote to the snake poison, he sleeps with the smuggler’s alien wife. So, that’s the kind of hero we got! He’s somehow the best agent they’ve got, even though he’s always messing up, always breaking the rules, and is like, having sex with his suspects that he’s supposed to be watching. So. How is he the best? He’s like a Captain Kirk type where it’s like, “He’s the best of us, even though he does everything wrong and causes bigger problems.”
dan
									
Well, so I’ve got a little bit—I do have a problem with this arc, Elliott. I agree with you. But for slightly different reasons. Like, we learn about his tragic backstory like—I’ll—we’ll talk about it in more depth later, but it—we learn that his tragic backstory’s basically just a bad breakup. I mean, like, there are extra levels to it, but let’s just say that. And it’s—the way he acts is so out of proportion to that. Like, he used to be the best agent and now he kind of is like halfway to a Captain Jack Sparrow type, where he’s like this sort of like dissolute—like he seems like sort of drunk and he doesn’t really care about what’s he’s doing a little bit.
annabelle
									
Wait, are you saying Captain Jack Sparrow was a drinker!? [They laugh.]
stuart
									
What?! I just assumed he got hit on a head with a coconut multiple times. [Dan agrees.]
elliott
									
All the time. Well, he has a coconut tree at home on the ship and it—the coconuts are always hitting him in the head, yeah. I think—well, Dan, I think some of this is—
stuart
									
I mean, it’s a lot cheaper.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Some of this is close to— Stuart: I mean, the initial investment is higher, but the—
elliott
									
I mean, the coconut trees are—palm trees are expensive. They’re expensive trees to buy. But what—if you want coconuts, that’s what you gotta do. You’re not gonna get them from any other type of tree. Just try it. Dan, I—tomorrow, plant an oak tree. Wait 40 years, 50 years. You’re not gonna get any coconuts from it. Stuart—
annabelle
									
Wait, I have to ask you a question. Are you saying that Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones do not appear in this movie?
crosstalk
									
Dan: They are not in this movie. Elliott: They are never in this movie. Stuart: They’re never in this movie.
elliott
									
I have—I have to assume their characters died between films and so now—
stuart
									
Nor are they mentioned.
elliott
									
And they’re never mentioned. And it’s—yeah. And Rip Torn, who you know of course passed, but he’s not mentioned in the movie even though he was the head of the organization in the old ones. There’s—this is—it’s almost like this is an offshoot from a different reality where the agents we came to know and love in the original Men in Black movies, they don’t exist. This is a totally different system. And they’re—so Dan, but some of his personality change I think is supposed to be because of what happened to him in Paris that night.
dan
									
Oooh, so you think—okay. You think it’s about—so, well that’s even worse though. ‘Cause then the Men in Black are going around making everyone loopy with their neuralizer. Uh, spoiler alert for the end of the film.
elliott
									
When you use the neuralizer, you turn everyone into like—into like a big, boorish kind of like—you know.
stuart
									
A big goof.
elliott
									
Boozy goof, yeah. Uh. So, Molly is now agent M. She takes a turbo subway to London. This is this turbo subway that no one on the subway seems to—seems to be ready for the propulsion and the thrust. They’re always—all their stuff is flying out of their hands. It’s like, I thought you commuted on this?
dan
									
I have a big problem with this gag too. Because we get to the subway. The subway looks like a traditional, grimy subway. It looks much like any New York subway might. But there are a bunch of aliens walking around the platform.
elliott
									
Well, not those new stations up on—not the new stations in the Upper East Side.
dan
									
Alright. Alright. Just let me get my point out. They are bunch of aliens—
elliott
									
I’m just saying, those are really clean.
dan
									
Okay. There are a bunch of aliens out on the platform, clearly this is a Men in Black platform. And she gets onto this train and then the train transforms into, you know, gleaming science fiction, Men in Black train and zooms to another Men in Black platform with a bunch of aliens and I’m like, “What are you camouflaging this train?! What possible reason is there for this?!”
stuart
									
It’s a visual gag for the audience, Dan. That’s why they did it. [Dan agrees.] And again—
annabelle
									
Okay, now wait. I—you’re following Chris Hemsworth’s storyline, where is Liam Neeson?
elliott
									
Okay, so we’re gonna see him. So, that’s the thing. So, we’re— [stammers] Molly is about to meet him.
stuart
									
It’s a good—it’s a good question.
elliott
									
But anyway, M—Molly, agent M, she shows up in London. She pets this little alien that dissolves into little, like, mischievous critters, but that scene ends before anything really happens with it. Suddenly, we’re in Marrakesh, where a janitor gets melted by two energy beings who—they steal his form, right? [Dan and Stuart confirm.] ‘Cause they turn into Les Twins; the twin breakdance duo.
stuart
									
Yeah, ‘cause he—the janitor dances a little bit, too. So, you gotta know that it’s the same moves. Yeah.
elliott
									
That’s right. So, Les Twins are showing up in their second Flop House episode, after appearing in Cats, the movie.
dan
									
Now—now, Elliott, were they the cats that were dancing with the sneakers on? Is that who they were? Okay.
elliott
									
Yes. They were breakdancing cats. That’s all they do. They’re breakdancers, Dan. That’s what they—if you see breakdancers in a movie and there’s two of them, it’s them.
dan
									
I understand who breakdancers are, I’m just…
annabelle
									
I just wanna say, I loved the movie Cats.
elliott
									
Oh, it was so amazing. [Dan and Stuart agree.]
annabelle
									
I went to the movie theater with one of my best friends. We laughed so—we were—we were the only ones there. We were just weeping when Idris Elba comes out, naked.  [They laugh.] Basically, looking like a naked person.
elliott
									
Just a naked man whose—
annabelle
									
He does not look a like a cat, right? [They agree.]
elliott
									
Whose penis was stolen, yeah.
annabelle
									
It was totally a neutered—a neutered Idris Elba, totally naked but strangely furry. I just—I just laughed so hard. I appreciate that. I—I mean, there’s not a lot they can do—you know, you need that. So, thank you, Andrew Lloyd Webber, for that. You know, giving us—giving us that. Because again—
elliott
									
That movie came out at the—it, yeah. It came out at the wrong time. It came out before the pandemic. If it had come out now, when people needed a laugh, it would be the biggest movie in the history of the world. It would be… Well, so—
annabelle
									
Back to this movie.
elliott
									
Back to this movie. So, Les Twins, they go to this—these energy beings, they go to this secret workshop where these tiny little aliens live and there’s like a queen alien and her little pawns and they say, “We need something that we can use to kill this Jababian prince.” The Jababians are aliens. [Dan affirms with a laugh.] We’re back to London and here’s where we see T—Liam Neeson—he’s met Molly very briefly, and how he is holding like a little briefing session. H is kind of in trouble for his unauthorized smuggler sting operation, but not really. They kind of shrugged it off pretty easily. And T assigns him to chaperone Vungus, a visiting member of the Jababian royal family. This is the assassination target. Turns out they’re old partying buddies and Chris Hemsworth has an unending stream of stories that he tells about him and Vungus hanging out. And when they finally meet, it doesn’t seem like they real liked each other that much.
stuart
									
And none of those—yeah, none of those stories sound that much fun.
elliott
									
No. Well, they’re like a—
stuart
									
They feel like first drafts.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] And Molly is like—uh, she says to H, “Here’s a dossier about Jababians that I wrote. I should be your partner. I know all about them. I speak their language.” And she’s kind of lying, but he likes that she’s lying and thinks he can use her in some way. So, he goes, “Okay, you come with me.” It’s your classic straight arrow, loose cannon matchup, except really—personality wise—they’re kind of similar. There’s not that—it’s—and I think they thought, “We’re gonna match—Chris Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson were so good together in Thor: Ragnarök, let’s build a whole Men in Black movie around them.” And they just don’t have—yeah, but it’s weird because in Thor: Ragnarök, Tessa Thompson is the loose cannon and Thor’s the straight arrow. But here they decide to—they pulled an Ishtar and they decided to switch up their personalities. And I don’t know—they didn’t really do it that well.
dan
									
Now, Elliott, I gotta say—I—look. I’ll tip my hat a little bit. I didn’t mind this movie. I’ll talk about it more in the final judgments, but part of the reason I didn’t mind it is like this—the screenplay is completely boiler plate. There’s not much going on there. But Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth are two of the most attractive, charming people existing on Earth today. And so, I’m kind of happy just to see them, like, goof around a little.
elliott
									
Well, that’s what—I just felt like the whole time I was watching the movie I was like, “What could these two be doing with a movie that gave them, like, more fun stuff to do?”  [Dan agrees.] Like, they’re so much better than this material. You know. It’s like—
stuart
									
I will—and I’ll say the same for Kumail Nanjiani and, uh… Rebecca Ferguson, later.  [Elliott agrees.]
dan
									
Yeah, again, the whole cast—down the line—great cast.  [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Emma Thompson and Liam Neeson, of course, not capable of that much. [Stuart wheezes with laughter; Dan reacts with shock.] So, here I was like—I was like, “Ugh.” It’s a joke, guys! Come ooon! You know I’m joking! I would never say that about Nanny McPhee! Come on. So, they go to—
annabelle
									
Uh, I—can I—can I—can I just say, I love Emma Thompson so much that she’s—you know, the thing about her is that she’s super, you know, Shakespearian trained, British actress and she just will go for these things. Like, I just—I thought she was [laughing] great in Nanny McPhee. I—you know, like, just the—the way she embraced, like, the bad teeth thing. Like, she just—  [Elliott agrees emphatically.] She’ll just go there!
dan
									
She did Shakespeare and stuff through, like—you know, she was with Kenneth Branagh and that was kind of her breakthrough to America, when she did those movies with him. But like, she started out doing sketch comedy. Like, she has a comedy background. She’s very funny.
stuart
									
That’s why she’s so good in Late Night, your favorite movie.
dan
									
Uh. Goddamn, that movie is so bad. Like, I—I love—
elliott
									
I haven’t seen it.
dan
									
I like the people involved, but it gets everything wrong about working as a late-night writer. Every single thing.
elliott
									
Dan, you told me you were up—you were up ‘til 4AM for a whole week just updating the goofs section on IMDb about Late Night.
dan
									
I—well—no, I just—like, I watched it because, like, around—like, it just—you know, it showed up on Amazon and just around the Daily Show office, there was this like quiet buzz among some of the writers like, “Have you seen this yet? Have you seen it?” Like it was—you know, not since Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip have late night writers hate-watched a thing in such great numbers.
elliott
									
I remember those years when—I remember when Studio 60 was all the rage around those offices. Yeah. That was—that was a fun time. Okay! So. M and H—or H and M as I’ll call them. [Stuart wheezes helplessly with laughter.] ‘Cause if you need—if it’s stylish but it’s cheap, you know, it’s like you can finally afford style. Thanks Stuart. They—
dan
									
I can’t tell whether that was genuine or not, from Stuart. That’s like—
elliott
									
No, it was not. I don’t think so. I think Stuart started off faking a laugh and then started laughing at his own fake laugh. [Dan laughs.] And so, it turned genuine. So, they go to a literal underground club. It’s literally under the ground where Vungus is just hanging out all alone—this guy who needs—
stuart
									
Fill with people—filled with human beings.
elliott
									
Human beings and aliens. These guys that—this guy who has been assigned a chaperone because he’s a target of assassination is hanging out at the club by himself with no security. And Vungus instantly is horndogging all over M, but then suddenly Vungus is all business. And he needs to tell H something, but H is like, “No, let’s—come on, let’s dance!” And Vungus is like, “You’ve changed, H.” That’s when Les Twins come in. They breakdance all over the place and they shoot this little, like, assassin missile at Vungus and he gets sick. And H, because it’s his job to chaperone Vungus, puts him in a car and sends him home. And then the car blows up. And it’s like—you’ve failed at every aspect of the job.
stuart
									
[Interrupting.] So, wait. Did the car blow up—did the car blow up from the thing those guys shot him with?!
crosstalk
									
Dan: I don’t know. Stuart: Or was that just completely unrelated? Elliott: That—I was not sure. I couldn’t figure it out and I’m glad you guys had the same question, because I was like, “Maybe I looked away. I don’t know.”
dan
									
Especially ‘cause, if it was shot into him—it seems like if it blew up, it should blow him up. But he is intact. He like dies a little bit after that. And the car blows up. I also wanna—this is a very small thing that I’m going to talk about, now. But like, you know, what is this podcast for if not that? They make a big point, in the script, like—like, Chris Hemsworth is like, “Uuuh, vodka cranberry! That’s your drink still, right? Vodka cranberry?” And he comes back only with champagne from the bar.  [Chuckling.] [Elliott laughs.] And I’m like—why would you make a point of having a specific drink?
stuart
									
[Interrupting.] You’re like, “Is Stuart bartending?” [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
That it’s like—like vivid red! Why would you do—anyway. Sorry, that was…
elliott
									
[Cackles.] I’m surprised that Stuart didn’t have an issue with that, since he works in the liquor trade.
dan
									
By the way, that’s not listed on the goofs in IMDb, I checked. [Stuart reacts in faux shock.] So, if any enterprising listener wants to…
annabelle
									
What does that mean, you work in the liquor trade?
stuart
									
Uh, I own a couple of bars in Brooklyn. [Dan tries to respond but he keeps laughing.]
annabelle
									
Oh! That’s right! Oh right.
dan
									
He sails a boat off the Barbary Coast. [They laugh.]
annabelle
									
I know you own bars, but like that somehow—I don’t know, the phrase… “the liquor trade”, I—it just sounded so Jack Sparrow. [They laugh.] It’s like—wait! What do you do!? [They chuckle.]
stuart
									
Yeah, I hit people on the head with coconuts. [Dan erupts into laughter.]
elliott
									
When you think about it, The Black—The Black Pearl from Pirates of the Caribbean was the original party boat, when you think about it. [Dan agrees.]
stuart
									
Hmmm. I’m not gonna think about it. [They laugh and agree.]
elliott
									
I mean, I can’t force you to. [Dan giggles.]
stuart
									
So, they have, like, a pretty pro… protracted battle out in the street, where our heroes are blasting these two dancing energy beings. And they just keep pulling guns out of the car. That was pretty cool. It was like a Lego set that turns into guns.
elliott
									
That was a funny bit where they keep pulling pieces off of this car to reveal larger and larger laser guns. And they get—
dan
									
I gotta say, the—
elliott
									
I will say—I will say, they’re—I did have an issue with the scene where the two Men in Black, they start this off with—at gunpoint, telling these two men of color to get down on the ground and get their hands on the ground. And I was like… not good optics for right now, Men in Black: International.  [They agree.] But once you know that they can blow up the ground with their hands, then it’s like, “Okay, this is not a—this is not a fair fight. They are… energy beings.”
annabelle
									
It is interesting how these things age. You know, in light of—well, first of all, I’m saying this as a white person who wasn’t always… thinking about this in type of mind for sure. But, uh, in Men in Black III, Will Smith is stopped because two police officers don’t know—he’s back in 1969 and he’s stopped because they can’t believe a Black man would be driving an expensive car and own it and it wouldn’t be stolen. And he says something like, “Don’t stop Black men for driving nice cars,” or whatever. And you know, like my—I just sort of—my heart stopped for a minute. And you know, I mean, of course—again, I—that wasn’t top of… it will be top of mind for many other viewers, always. But it is a strange… thing, I think, how much this is to be seen in the future—our times we’re living in will affect how depictions—in entertainment. It’ll be interesting to see the entertainment that emerges. I feel like we’re in such a transformative time. It’s gonna be interesting to see what comes out of this moment.
stuart
									
It must be really tough to be an entertainment executive and have to be like, “Oh no! Are we going to accidentally make people mad because we had this scene in The Mandalorian where Baby Yoda’s just jacking it?” [They laugh.]
elliott
									
Well, I mean, that’s—that—I haven’t seen season two yet, or season one, does that happen? Or…  [laughing].
stuart
									
I mean, it might happen, Elliott! I haven’t watched season two yet.
elliott
									
I mean, I guess when Baby Yoda becomes Adolescent Yoda, it goes without—
stuart
									
And it was probably fine when it—when they made it, but maybe in the future it’s—opinions might change! You never know!
annabelle
									
I know! I just absolutely—I can’t even believe I’m saying this! I just had a kickoff call on a script I’m writing with Burn Network^ and I forgot to ask what universe we’re in, in terms of COVID, not COVID, pre-COVID, post-COVID. I… I’ve gotta call the producers on Monday. [They chuckle.] I don’t know! It—you know. How do you just not deal with that?
elliott
									
Yeah, it’s hard. It’s hard—like, the show I’m working on now, it’s an animated show. So, it’s not gonna be on the air until spring of next year. And like, we’re just like, “Okay, the—for the purposes of this show, it’s just what life used to be like. And hopefully it’ll be like that again.” Like, I wrote an episode where it’s 4th of July at the beach and there’s just a ton of people around and it was like, “Alright. Okay. Like—I just have to pretend this is in an alternate universe where COVID is not keeping things like that from happening.” Yeah.
stuart
									
Oh, so you’re not like writing characters like, “So-and-so’s name” and then, in parentheses, “wearing a mask”.
elliott
									
Yeah, no. I— [Laughs.] “30s. Sassy and clever. Wearing a mask.” Like that’s all the—all the character descriptions.
dan
									
Alright, well I’m sure that all the listeners are interested in this non-Men in Black, inside baseball. But what’s going on in the movie?
elliott
									
Alright, so anyway, a bunch of Men in Black guys show up and stop these energy beings, but not until Vungus tells M, secretly, that something is wrong at the Men in Black, and gives her a crystal device. And then he dies. And she goes, “What is this?” And he’s like, “The only thing that can save you. Uuugh!” Or something like that. And a ton of agents show up and the energy dudes disappear.
dan
									
Could I just say, just a little lesson to—I just wanna, you know… uuh, for people in movies who are about to die, you know, maybe take my online—
elliott
									
[Interrupt.] Oh good, a lot of them will—all of them will hear this. Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah. Take my correspondence course, which is: “What to Say When You’re About to Die”—which is not something cryptic. It’s been—like, that’s the—I—to boil down my course to one sentence: don’t say something cryptic. Say—
elliott
									
No, you wanna say something like, “Check please!” And then die. Like, something memorable and funny.
dan
									
[Laughing.] Yeah, you can something hilarious or—
annabelle
									
What should a character say? I’d like to hear this. [They laugh.]
dan
									
No, I mean, like… the—say, uh, “The Horde has… infiltrated Men in Black. Use this… [Stuart corrects him.] The Hive. Use this to kill them.”
elliott
									
Then she would have said “The Horde?! From She-Ra: Princess of Power?! Oh. Oh, you mean the Hive.”
dan
									
Or Split. The point is, you know, actually give instructions. Explain why you’re giving this to them and give instructions. Don’t just be like, [through a death rattle] “This is the only thing! To keep you safe! I will not hand over the instruction booklet that’s also in my other pocket!” Like. Whatever. [Stuart and Elliott both start to speak; Elliott stops for Stuart.]
stuart
									
It’s possible that character has been Dungeon Master in roleplaying games and is like, “I don’t want a railroad you, so I won’t tell you what to do!"
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Well, it’s—it’s similar to—that—I would like movie characters who are, uh… telling—revealing big secrets to also do that similarly. Where it’s like, if this movie was about someone finding out there’s aliens and a government agent was like, “This goes farther than you think. There’s a bigger world out there.” Just tell me there’s a bunch of aliens. Like, just tell me the thing you wanted to tell me. You know?
dan
									
Or if you’re like having like a romantic argument, don’t just be like, “Catherine! Catherine! Wait! Catherine! Catherine!” Be like, “Hey, I didn’t sleep with her. Like, she was my cousin.” Like—or—like, whatever the fucking dumb, romantic complication is. Don’t just be like, “But! If you’ll just give me—! But can you—?! But!”
elliott
									
You’re saying don’t waste time saying, “I can explain,” just say the explanation. [Stuart agrees.]
dan
									
Yes. Yeah, just say the thing.
elliott
									
Just tell them that you were rehearsing for a play! Anyway. So.
stuart
									
I don’t think it’s Catherine’s fault, though. I mean, you left the door unlocked. It was a really weird situation—like, the lights were low, and you had that one thing draped over the lamp. The sexy drape?
dan
									
[Sighs.] I’m not gonna relitigate this with you, Stephan! Or—Stephan? Stuart! [Elliott laughs.] Why’d I call you Stephan?!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I don’t know! Why did you— Elliott: Well, Stuart is what you’d call— Dan: My other friend that starts with an “S-T”.
elliott
									
Stephan is your pet name for Stuart. I mean, you haven’t known each other that long. It’s only been, what, about 25 years?
stuart
									
Stephan is my new erotic fiction writing name.  [They laugh.]
elliott
									
But same last name, right? Still Stephan Wellington?
stuart
									
Yeah, Stephan Wellington. I’m throwing people off the scent, because they’d be like, “If Stuart actually had a penname, he would probably change the last name. So, this can’t be him.” [Laughs.]
elliott
									
And what kind of erotic fanfictions—fictions? Is this dinosaur fiction? Swamp monster fiction? That kind of stuff? Cave man?
stuart
									
I mean it’s—to be honest, it’s mainly, uh—it’s like slice of life stuff and it’s a lot of—it’s mainly misunderstandings. There’s actually no erotic stuff happening. [Laughs.]
annabelle
									
No, I think Stephan Wellington writes Twilight fanfiction. [They all make sounds of interest.]
stuart
									
And maybe it could be about say, like, a young woman who starts—gets a job working for, like, a high-powered rich guy and BDSM is involved, maybe? I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. I’m still working on it.
elliott
									
No, sorry Stuart. It’s called Shopgirl by Steve Martin. It’s been written already. So, anyway!
dan
									
Also, Stuart, you mispronounced slice of Dreyf. [Elliott echoes him on a helpless laugh.] I assume you’re writing slice of Dreyf.
elliott
									
That’s a callback to what the—what ep—that was a different Hemsworth who did that—who did that movie, right? [Stuart confirms.]
dan
									
I have no—I have no recollection. I just remember that dumb phrase.
elliott
									
We did a movie about a—where there was I think a Liam Hemsworth vehicle that Richard Dreyfuss was in, in which we pitched a movie called Slice of Dreyf. [Laughs.] Where it’s just Richard Dreyfuss’s normal life. Okay, so. Back at HQ, there’s an agent C who hates agent H. And he’s like—
stuart
									
Played by Rafe Spall.
elliott
									
Yeah, and he’s like, “You and M should be fired.” And T is like, “No, no, no. The Hive might be involved in this.” And M trying to think fast to save their jobs is like, “Uh, I think there might be a mole in the Men in Black.” And H immediately—and they’re like, “Okay. C, you and M work together. H, you’re on probation.” And H is like, “Got it.” And then walks over to C and M and is like, “I’m in charge. M, come with me. I think you’re right about this mole.”
stuart
									
Elliott, you doing this summary and just listing their first letter of their names feels like I’m reading a Reddit “Am I the Asshole” thread. [Everyone laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah, we might have use their actor names. Um.
dan
									
I also wanna say, Rafe Spall I found very funny in this. I liked him and Hemsworth’s back and forth. I thought he was really good.
annabelle
									
He’s always good. He’s—when is he not great? He’s just like an original human being. [They laugh and agree.] He’s so much fun to watch. You know. Or a small—a large—a very large hamster.
dan
									
Yeah. Either the—either of the two. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, you know what? And I forgot he was also in another Flop House movie, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. So, anyway, this is second for Rafe Spall. So, we got a lot of—we got a lot of seconds in this one. So, uh, where are our heroes gonna go? Marrakesh. They’ve gotta find the people who made the weapon that killed Vungus. First, I don’t know why, they stop off at a guy who has an alien that he wears as a beard. And they’re fixing the hoverbike.
stuart
									
Played by—played by Nandor, from What We Do in the Shadows—the guy who played Nandor.
elliott
									
Oh, right! That’s who that is! I knew I recognized him and I—yeah.
dan
									
I did enjoy the scene where the alien was annoyed [laughs] at him and he just keeps slapping his own beard.  [They agree.]
elliott
									
Yeah, but it was like—it was—it was just to—I don’t know why they made that stop. I don’t understand.  [Dan agrees.] I guess they—maybe they had to find out information from him. They go to the workshop. They find that all of these little aliens have been murdered by the energy beings, we assume. All that’s left is one tiny little pawn, played by—voiced by Kumail Nanjiani. Like many of the aliens in the movies, he is both unaware of certain Earth customs and very aware of Earth pop culture. So, he knows all about, like, the movie The Notebook, but he doesn’t seem to understand that women in most Earth cultures are not monarchs that need vassals. You know.
stuart
									
Yeah, it’s the laziest kind of character description, where they’re like, “We’re gonna give this character a little bit, but it’s mainly going to be a joke delivery system.” Which, I mean, if you’re gonna get Kumail Nanjiani, he’s gonna be good at it at least.
elliott
									
He’s gonna be good at it. I mean, he’s the movie’s Alf, I guess. Where it’s like, “I don’t understand these human customs! Let me tell you about Richard Gere.” You know.
dan
									
And he looks—he looks—I mean, he’s smaller, but he looks a little bit like a Babu Frik, except for he talks like Kumail Nanjiani instead of like, [gravely] “Eey! It’s me, Babu Frik! Aaah!”
elliott
									
No, no. Babu Frik was such a—was such an original wonder. He was—he was so great. He made no pop culture references, ‘cause of course that was the Star Wars universe. But he was—Babu Frik, as I said, my second favorite character from that movie after the chimp with a Cyclops visor who fixes Kylo Ren’s helmet. Anyway. If there was a—there was a Babu Frik, chimp with Cyclops visor spinoff, I’d watch that for sure. So, H convinces the pawn, “You should be—M should be your new queen, because for some reason we’ve decided we want you with us.” And H reveals that he took the crystal device that Vungus had given to M, because—I forgot to mention, M had handed it over to the Men in Black to—for safekeeping or whatever.
dan
									
It’s a—it’s a MacGuffin. It’s just—you know, it’s just—you know. She’s got a crystal MacGuffin in her pocket.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. Uh, just like that—
dan
									
Hi, my name’s Crystal MacGuffin. [They laugh.]
elliott
									
Let me—I’m—let me just get into your pocket for a moment. This is what I do professionally. It’s okay. Uh, suddenly C is like, “I don’t trust those guys.” And he sends a team of agents to Marrakesh to catch our heroes. Then the energy aliens show up, leading to perhaps—if I was gonna describe hoverbike chase through the Marrakesh street market, you would imagine something pretty fun. It is fairly lackluster. It is—it does not do great by the long tradition of Arab street market chase scenes.
dan
									
Yeah. Can—well, can I briefly say, the action in the movie: not very good, as a rule. I do think that the effects are fun, usually. Like it looks pretty good. It’s a fun—
elliott
									
Yeah, it looks fine.
dan
									
It’s in the Men in Black, zany alien universe and none of it looks bad in the way that, like, a lot of—
stuart
									
Now, with that in mind, Annabelle, how did you feel about the action and the special effects in Men in Black III, a movie that I have not seen yet? [Elliott laughs.]
annabelle
									
I felt very “meh” about it. I mean, I just—I just felt like—I mean, the funny thing is that there’s a motorbike chase that is not that exciting, in Men in Black III.
dan
									
It echoes. It echoes through time. [Elliott laughs and claps.]
annabelle
									
It reverberates through tiiime! It’s like somewhere in timeee and, you know, it’s funny—it’s—it’s—you know, they’re just—it’s just not—I don’t know. It just—it’s not popping for me!  [She snaps.] You know? Just… it just all paled from the first Men in Black, which just seemed to have some real spark of like something fresh to that universe—to that universe of films. To that genre.
stuart
									
And it— [Elliott starts to speak but stops.] And it had Barry Sonnenfeld at the helm, right? He—
elliott
									
Well, he did the—he did the second one too, I think. I don’t know if he did the third one. But like, that first movie was like they really did that premise right and they found all these, like, different ways to have fun with it and they—it was like they squeezed all the juice out of—
stuart
									
[Interrupting.] Vincent D’Onofrio—Vincent D’Onofrio delivers like an all-timer performance.
elliott
									
I mean, you’re not gonna get a better villain than Vincent D’Onofrio playing a dead body with a cockroach alien inside of it. [They laugh.] He moves so well, as if he’s a dead body. Like, he’s so good in it.
annabelle
									
He’d do that in his sleep!
elliott
									
Yeah, that’s— [laughs].
annabelle
									
It just leaves you wishing it was better. That’s the most dissatisfying kind of movie.
dan
									
I checked it. Barry Sonnenfeld did all of the _Men in Black_s. I think that we forget, like, he came onto the scene really strongly, which means that we forget that he also has done a lot of terrible stuff. Like, he did the—like, he came onto the scene, did the Addams Family movies. He did Get Shorty. He did Men in Black. But he also did Wild Wild West, Big Trouble, Men in Black II. Uh… the cat movie with the—Nine Lives. Like, he’s been on a pretty big downwards slide for a while. Unfortunately. ‘Cause I did like a lot of his early movies quite a bit.
stuart
									
Yeah, I just watched Addams Family Values the other night. It’s amazing.
elliott
									
It’s great. It’s a great sequel to a great original.
dan
									
Like, Get Shorty’s a lot of fun, too.
elliott
									
Get Shorty’s fantastic. That’s a movie—Get Shorty’s a movie I could watch, I think, every single day and I would enjoy it every single time. What a good movie. We should do a—we should do an episode about Get Shorty and how good it is.
dan
									
I mean, we could do a good movie mini.
annabelle
									
Is it bad that I would actually watch that? I’d—  [They laugh.]
elliott
									
So, our heroes manage to escape, ‘cause they use the hyperdrive on the hoverbike. Not as exciting, ‘cause, uh—
annabelle
									
There’s more to this movie? Wait, there’s more?
elliott
									
There’s a—oh, there’s more. Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah, we’ve not reached the end yet.
elliott
									
No. They end up in the desert. They smash the bike. They find out that the crystal is actually a supergun powered by a blue dwarf star. It’s disappointing that it just turns out to be a big gun, but it’s a very powerful gun. It blows a big chasm in the desert. Meanwhile—
stuart
									
And I can only imagine the, like, environmental repercussion that making a giant chasm in the desert is going to cause for the local, like, ecosystem.
elliott
									
Oh, it’s—I mean, it’s already a desert. So—but I’m sure there are lifeforms there. You know. It’s—life finds a way, as was said in the movie Jurassic Park.
stuart
									
Well, just by kicking up all that debris into the atmosphere, like, it’s gonna cause some problems. You know?
elliott
									
Oh, that’s true. It’ll block out—it’ll—it’ll be a year without a summer and crops will fail all around the globe. Yeah.
dan
									
I liked— [laughing] I like the the—I like that goof that I—I don’t—did I do it on the goofs episode? The Jurassic Park one, where like someone—the goof was like, yeah, Dr. Malcolm says, “Life finds a way.” This is not chaos theory and [laughing] if that was an explanation, nothing would be extinct. [They laugh.] And I was like, “Yeah, you’re right! It’s a dumb line really, when you think about it.”
elliott
									
That’s true. Uh, so—
stuart
									
But it was delivered by Jeff Goldblum so it’s hard to get mad at it, you know? [They agree.]
elliott
									
So, H is like, “Why did Vungus give you that weapon and not me?” And M is like, “Vungus said you changed, H.” The beard alien from earlier shows up, steals her crystal weapon, and flies off. And H is like, “Well, there’s only one place that beard alien’s gonna take the weapon: to my ex-girlfriend, intergalactic arms dealer, Riza Stavros, the merchant of death. And when—and—
stuart
									
And when—they kept talking about Riza and I’m like, “He was dating Bobby Digital?! [They laugh.]
elliott
									
I mean, that would have been amazing. I would have liked that a lot. And M admits that—Molly admits she’s never been in love. Where are they gonna go? To Riza’s island fortress, off the coast of Naples! This is when you’re like, “Okay. So, they just wanted to—they wanted to go to pretty places to go to hang out and shoot movies.”
annabelle
									
Actually, I mean, one thing about this movie—I actually feel like maybe I should just watch it with the sound off. Just to see places. [They agree.] I’ve gotten kind of hooked, right now, on binge-watching shows that take place in remote locations in England. [They chuckle.]
dan
									
I will say that I did have the thought, while watching this movie I’m like, “Maybe I’m being more easy on this movie because it is—” Being Men in Black: International, they are traveling the world. And I’m like, “Well, that’s a thing I can’t do right now. So.” It’s fun to watch! [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Unlike—I mean, ‘cause now you’re—now you’re just catching aliens and blanking out people's memories in your apartment. [Dan agrees.] And you really miss doing that in other places.
dan
									
Just walking into the bathroom and being like, “Okay. I’ll the aliens, come out…”
stuart
									
I think everybody here would like to sign up to be neuralized for 2020, you know what I mean? [Dan makes a tired, disgusted sound.] Get this year wiped out of our heads, right? You know what I mean?
elliott
									
Yeah, you’re right, Stu. Anyway. So, long story short, it is not the hip-hop legend RZA that they are going to see, but of course Riza Stavros—played by—
crosstalk
									
Elliott and Stuart: [Slightly out of sync.] Rebecca Ferguson. Stuart: Yeah.
elliott
									
And she is like—they try to sneak into her fortress. H tries to charm their way in. They both get caught and they’re fighting each other and then it turns out that the alien thug that H is fighting, who works for Riza—it’s the same alien that Molly helped escape when she was a little girl! And so, he helps them get the star gun crystal weapon back from Riza. It is—
stuart
									
And you glossed over Riza’s three-armed fighting technique, which was pretty cool. Kind of like Shiva from the Mortal Kombat movie—or movies. Games.
elliott
									
That’s true. She—or—yeah, or—
stuart
									
They’re kinda like movies. They’re so advanced, you know. The graphics are spectacular.
elliott
									
Yeah. Or Spiral from the—from the X-Men comics. But it’s— [Dan starts to talk then stops.] It was the kind of movie where I feel like both Tessa Thompson and the movie kept forgetting that Riza has three arms. And then she’s suddenly remember and use it to fight with.
dan
									
I did like the line, though, that you didn’t mention here where Tessa Thompson—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Interrupting.] Well, I can’t—I can’t reenact the whole movie, Dan. Dan: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! [Stuart laughs.] Elliott: I gotta skip some of the dialogue.
dan
									
I’m just specifying that Tessa Thompson, you know, like says back to the alien the thing that the alien said in alien language when she was young to be like, “Aw, I’m the same—” And she’s like—he’s like, “What?” And she asks what it is at a certain—afterwards. And he’s like, “Oh, it means, ‘I will thank you. I will kill whoever you want me to in a protracted and violent manner.’” Something like that. “Whenever you ask me.” And I’m like that’s hilarious that that was the promise he made to this young girl that she didn’t understand.
elliott
									
So, the joke I laughed at during the movie was when Tessa wants to drive a car. She wants to drive the car and Chris Hemsworth is like, “I’m gonna drive.” And Tessa Thompson races ahead of him and gets into what, in America, would be the driver’s side seat. And then is actually the passenger’s side seat ‘cause they’re in England. I was like, “That’s funny joke. I like that.”
dan
									
Yeah, I liked it.
elliott
									
So, anyway. H and M, they’re now friends. They tell each other their first names. I don’t remember what H’s first name was. But then the Hive show up. Uh oh! It’s those energy aliens and they want that weapon. And Chris Hemsworth gives a speech and he’s like, “We’ll do whatever it takes to keep our planet safe.” And the aliens go, “We will too.” That’s when the MIB agents show up and blow up the energy aliens. They’re not in the movie anymore. And Molly gives T, Liam Neeson, the crystal. But there’s still 20 some odd minutes left in the movie. So, we know the day hasn’t been saved yet! What’s gonna happen?
dan
									
We also know that the movie’s not over ‘cause we have—we’ve seen movies before. And like, when we’re watching this, Audrey’s like, “Do you think Liam Neeson’s gonna turn out to be the bad guy?” And like, this is before all, like I’m like—I—the moment Liam Neeson came onscreen, I’m like, “He’s the bad guy.” Like, before we knew there was mole in the Men in Black, this is the bad guy.
elliott
									
It’s a real “Ed Harris in Geostorm” situation. [They agree.]
stuart
									
Unless Liam Neeson’s family’s taken, he’s probably the bad guy. [Elliott agrees.] Unless there’s wolves in the movie, Liam Neeson’s probably the bad guy.
elliott
									
How disappointing was that movie that in the trailers, they made a big deal out of him breaking those airplane mini bottles and strapping them to his knuckles so he could fight a wolf and that’s the last minute of the movie!? [Dan laughs and Stuart agrees.] Like, that’s the end of the movie!
stuart
									
The last shot, yeah. Uh-huh.
elliott
									
What a disappoint—I was like, “This movie is gonna be fun!” And that’s—it’s—the guy is dying slowly in the winter and then finally he fights a wolf. Anyway. It happens off camera!
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah. It’s like—it’s like—it’s like Meet Joe Black. Like, you meet him pretty early on, right? And then you’re like, “Fuck it. Do I have to watch the rest of the movie now?!” [They laugh.]
elliott
									
So, they’re back at MIB HQ—that’s a lot of letters. Everyone’s celebrating but M and H suspect something is up. And they and C realize that T is a mole—more letters, guys. [Everyone titters with laughter.] And that he was actually—and that he’s planning to give the star gun to the Hive and H is like, “If everyone knows that T has betrayed the Men in Black—he’s the most decorated Men in Black agent—it would ruin morale. So, just let me—"
stuart
									
Which is crazy, ‘cause you’re like, “What about Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones from the earlier movies?” [Elliott agrees emphatically.] They were huge!
elliott
									
Exactly! So, maybe they don’t exist in this reality. So, he and M go to Paris and M—
stuart
									
I feel like I’ve been neuralize—the previous movies have been neuralized out of my head, you know?
elliott
									
Mm-hm. And Tessa Thompson helps Chris Hemsworth realize he didn’t stop the Hive years ago. He was neuralized by T when T got taken over by the Hive. And they confront T and he’s just a bad guy now and he opens a portal for the Hive, and he turns into a big tentacle monster and they fight, and Molly gets knocked into the portal. And then Kumail Nanjiani’s pawn character—they remembered he’s there—he saves her. And H is like, “T, I know there’s still a man in there. Give me the weapon. Help me save the day! You said I was like a son to you.” And T, in a moment of humanity, gives the crystal weapon back to H and Molly repays this moment of humanity by using that gun to blow the shit out of Liam Neeson. [They laugh.] And then—and the laser just goes through the wormhole and I think destroys the Hive planet. So, she’s committed genocide, in this last minute. You know.
dan
									
Well, I—yeah, and I also assumed, like, when he showed that moment of humanity, I’m like, “Oh, she’s gonna shoot into the portal and Liam Neeson’s gonna be released.” But no. Yeah. She blasts Liam Neeson, monster. Yeah.
elliott
									
Shot right through him. Right through him.
annabelle
									
Okay, so— [stammering] ‘cause I’m never gonna see this movie, you know. [They agree with laughter.] Never ever, not in this lifetime unless this pandemic goes on—okay, I might see it next week. Okay. So. Wait a minute. I just need to know what happens when Liam Neeson is revealed to be the alien. Is it like a total alien creature? Or is it part Liam Neeson, part alien? ‘Cause I did a movie once where I turned into an alien, and I hadn’t read the script entirely. And so, I didn’t realize that it was, like, me turning into the alien until the day they—we showed up and they were like, “Okay, what’s your best alien voice?” And I was like, “Huh?” I read this only with my character name. I never read the part where I turned into—I didn’t realize I was the alien. I’m such an idiot.
stuart
									
So, you’ve had all this time you’re gonna—this is the—is this gonna be debut of that alien voice? Are you gonna give us a taste? [They laugh.]
annabelle
									
Uh, okay. So, yeah. It was a Roger Corman movie, let me just put it that way. Oh yeah. Really excellent. And uh. [They laugh.] In order to turn into the alien, I had to disrobe so the alien [laughing] could come out.
elliott
									
‘Cause the alien couldn’t get through clothes. It was a—I guess a powerful alien, but clothes were a problem. Yeah. [Dan laughs.]
annabelle
									
So powerful that my clothes had to—it was a Roger Corman movie. And so, I mean, I really did not have an alien voice ready. And I had to wear, like, eye contacts. They put the eye contacts in, and it was just—and so I just kind of growled. I mean, I have to say, I really did not get—I did not have the imagination that I have now. Also, having seen the Men in Black movies! [They laugh.]
elliott
									
Now you know what aliens are like! They’re like, [nasally] “Hey! Come on! What’s this all about? Eeeh!” They all sound like that.
annabelle
									
I could have really gone just, like, really high pitched or weird but it was more like [growls lowly]. Like, I don’t know. It was so stupid! It was—I really, if I could go back in time and fix it, I know that movie—that Roger Corman movie—could have been [laughing] great! [They chuckle and agree.]
elliott
									
So, this—you’ll be happy to know that as soon as Liam Neeson turns into an alien, it’s all CGI all the time. He never had to get into any makeup or prosthetics. And I don’t think he even talks after that. He just growls. It's one of those—
stuart
									
He did insist on taking his clothes off, though.
elliott
									
[Giggles.] That’s true, yeah. He did—he does disrobe, and it takes a while. Like, he’s doing a real—it’s a real striptease. Yeah. He’s twirling his tie.
dan
									
Yeah. He keeps eye contact with the camera the whole time, too. Which makes you very uncomfortable, as a viewer. ‘Cause he’s daring you.
annabelle
									
That day, when I showed up on set, like to my dressing room? My costume was in my room and it was just a pair of earrings and a skirt. [They all laugh weakly.]
elliott
									
Aw, that’s terrible! So, the movie’s almost over. They’ve defeated the Hive, probably eliminated that race from the universe. O shows up at the scene, which is again the Eiffel Tower. And she’s like, “I always suspected something was going on with the London branch.” It’s like, well good thing you never looked into it. M is now—
dan
									
Yeah, and you sent your new recruit to, like, ferret out the mole, apparently. But…
elliott
									
And she’s like, “M, you’re now an official agent. You get the neuralizer.” And it’s like, yeah. I think—she’s proved herself, now, right? She saved the world. And H is named the probationary head of the London branch, even though it seems like he is the wrong guy for this job. It seems like if anyone should get that job that we’ve met, it’s C, who seems like more of an administrator. And H, whose main skills seem to be drinking and getting into fights that he barely gets out of should not be running an operation.
dan
									
I mean, yeah. He’s being promoted above his particular skillset.
stuart
									
Yeah, like sometimes a really great comedy writer might not be the best manager of like a team of comedy writers. Right? [Elliott laughs brightly.] I’m just trying to give you guys, you know, something to latch onto—to sink your teeth into.
elliott
									
Often! It’s often the case! So, M is assigned to the New York office. It’s a bittersweet goodbye between H and M, but later that morning I guess—it’s like daybreak—M picks up H in his car. I guess he was just hanging around thinking about all his new responsibilities. And she says she’s assigning Pawny, the Kumail Nanjiani tiny alien, to keep an eye on H. So, he’s just gonna hang out with H. And she’s like—he’s like, “Let me tell you how to drive that car.” This flying car that I forgot to mention they have. And she goes, “I’m gonna follow my gut.” And it’s like that’s what he told her to do, is follow her gut! And then there are over ten minutes of end credits. So, the movie is shorter than I thought it would be.
dan
									
Which I—I fast-forwarded through, ‘cause like we were like, “Oh, surely if any movie has, like, an end credits thing or like some bloops, it’ll be this one.” Nothing.
elliott
									
It’s gonna have Rebecca Ferguson being like, “I want my revenge on H!” or something like that. But they didn’t have anything. [Dan confirms.] I think there have been—I think there have been enough possible franchise starters that had those end credits scenes and then there were no sequels that they’re just like, “Let’s take them out. Let’s not put them in the movies anymore. Come on.”
stuart
									
It’s so interesting that this movie completely ignores Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith’s characters. ‘Cause they don’t really explain the premise of Men in Black to anybody.  [Elliott laughs.] So, they assume you already know. But then they also, like, erase—it’s just so weird. Okay.
dan
									
Um, okay. Well, this is where we get to final judgements, where we say whether this is a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie we kinda like. Annabelle, I will allow you to give your final judgement, of course, on Men in Black III—the film that you have now watched twice and, of all the things, I am sorry that you had to watch it twice because of this. But what would you say about that movie? [They laugh.]
annabelle
									
Wait. Wait, give me my exact choices again.
dan
									
If it’s a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or something you kind of liked.
annabelle
									
I’m gonna say a bad-bad movie.
dan
									
Okay, well. Sorry, Tommy Lee Jones—or, well, I guess it was mostly Josh Brolin. Sorry Josh Brolin and Will Smith.
elliott
									
What if it was—what if it was Josh Groban who was playing young Tommy Lee Jones. [Dan and Stuart both express intrigue.] That would be an interesting casting!
annabelle
									
Interestiiing.
stuart
									
More singing, I would imagine.
elliott
									
Probably more singing. Although, I don’t know, maybe Josh Brolin can sing. I don’t know. I’ve never—I’ve never heard him try.
annabelle
									
I don’t—I don’t know that that could have saved this—‘cause again, it was that, you know, pulling at your heartstrings movie that I just—I just want my fun in this—in this—in this area. So, I’m gonna—I’m—that was my vote, on the movie that I watched incorrectly.
dan
									
Yeah. Well, speaking of fun. I’ll give my judgment, which I assume will be slightly different than my co-hosts’, based on a little texting we did beforehand. I… have to—
elliott
									
This is—it’s just—let’s pull back the curtain and say, audience members, Dan likes to—instead of saving his thoughts until the podcast, he likes to text us immediately before recording and tell us what he thought about the movie. And then if we—
stuart
									
To get us warmed up, dude! Prime the pump!
elliott
									
And then if we disagree with him, he’s like, “Let’s argue this out over the text right now.” And I’m like, “We’re about to do this on a podcast.” Like, let’s save it.
dan
									
I didn’t argue it out over the text. I… uh… yeah. No. I mean, I—it’s gonna be a surprise for the listener! I don’t need it to be a surprise for you guys.
elliott
									
Fair. Fair. Why get a genuine reaction? Sure. Okay. You were saying?
dan
									
[Chuckles.] No, I kinda—I kinda like this movie. Like, talking about just like fun—like, look. I understand why this wasn’t… received like super well. And I get where, like, maybe if I saw it in the theater, I would be more down on it. Whereas I saw it on a Sunday morning at home and I’m like, “Okay, this is fun.” But yeah, I—also, look. I’ll say something controversial. I like the original Men in Black. I don’t like it as much as the world seems to like Men in Black. Like, I find it, uh—you know, like, I—
stuart
									
Time to go in on Dan’s Letterboxd profile. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
No, it’s—it’s good!
elliott
									
Dan, just get ready for the—just get ready for the hate mail that you’re gonna get.
dan
									
I know, everyone’s gonna hate me. I think it’s good. I think it’s funny. I think the leads are very good in it. But I also am just like, “Okay. Yeah.” Like, it seemed original as a movie, I think ‘cause big blockbusters weren’t as sort of casual about that stuff. But then I don’t even know if that’s true. I mean, like, you know—Ghostbusters is a very silly big movie about special effects. You’ve got stuff like Beetlejuice which is just like wackadoo and I love it. Anyway. So, I didn’t have like this nostalgic attachment where I’m like, “They’re ruining Men in Black!” I was just like, “Oh! I get to see my fun pals, Tessa and Chris, zip around—you know—have fun. And like, I wonder—I’m suspecting that Elliott’s problem is partly that they didn’t react ever as if there were, like, any stakes to what was going on. That it felt too light. But I feel like that’s always been part of Men in Black. Like, they’re—
elliott
									
Don’t put words in my mouth, Dan. Don’t put words in my mouth.
dan
									
I’m just suspecting! You have your chance, now. And you can say it now. I kinda liked it.
elliott
									
Okay, point by point rebuttal. One, Men in Black is the most original movie in the history of film.  [Dan chuckles.] Number two—well, no, it’s—so, that—but you mentioned Ghostbusters. Like, the excitement of Men in Black is probably at—it’s Ghostbusters but with aliens. Like, it’s—you’ve got—basically what they did with Ghostbusters, but it’s aliens instead of ghosts. Great. I’m onboard 100%. With this, it’s not that they didn’t have stakes. It’s that it’s a very thin movie. There’s not a lot going on and even in terms—there’s very—it feels like an episode of the Men in Black TV show that doesn’t exist, where it’s like, “Okay. We gotta find this—we’re supposed to protect this guy. He has a mysterious object. We lost it for a couple minutes. We got it back. There’s a mole. We saved the day.” There’s just not very much going on and it’s not funny enough or charismatic enough to get—like, it is trying to be almost like the To Catch a Thief of Men in Black movies, where you’re like—
dan
									
That’s totally what I felt like, yeah.
elliott
									
But it doesn’t achieve that ‘cause it’s like not funny or exciting enough or—I don’t need a heavy-duty plot. Like Annabelle was saying, I don’t need my heartstrings pulled when it’s Ghostbusters but with aliens. But I wanna have, like, a lot of funny jokes and crazy stuff zipping around that feels like a lot of effort was put into it, almost. Like there—it—the whole movie kind of feels like there was—there’s a lack of imagination, you might call it. And really, what is film, but imagination made flesh? Stuart, continue.  [Dan giggles.]
stuart
									
Oh wow. Uh. I guess I gotta—do I get a—?
dan
									
So, you didn’t like it. You’re saying it’s bad-bad.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Oh no, well I mean—that—it—but it’s— Stuart: I gotta pick up from “flesh”? Right? Okaaay.
elliott
									
[Laughing.] I—yes. From the word—I would say—but, to put it into our categories that never really adequately help me to rate a movie, it’s not—I didn’t really like it but it’s not like a bad-bad movie. If, like—as—I’ll put it on my scale of, “If you’re a kid and you’re sick home from school, go ahead and watch Men in Black: International. Like, it’ll pass the time while you’re eating—like, when you’re sipping ginger ale and eating Cheerios or whatever. And just like the—
dan
									
I believe we’ve established that Go-Gurt is the thing that children—
stuart
									
And dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. Yeah.
elliott
									
But not when they’re sick!
annabelle
									
You just said if you’re a kid who’s home and sick and you’re out of school—like, do you know that must sound so good to so many people right now? [They all agree.] When you’re like—not—anyway.
elliot
									
Alright. Well, then—okay. Good point. Good point. Well, if you’ve got two hours to kill, you might—you could watch Men in Black: International. But you could also watch movies that you’re gonna enjoy more. So, Stuart.
annabelle
									
If you’ve made it to the end of internet, you might wanna watch this Men in Black. [Elliott laughs and agrees.]
stuart
									
Yeah. Uuuh, yeah. I’m kind of—I’m in the same boat as you, Elliott. I think it’s a hard movie to—like, it’s a hard movie to be mad at, but it’s very—it felt very slim and there’s just—and it felt very rote and not a lot of effort was put into it. Like, there’s a lot of scenes early on where they’re like—Tessa Thompson’s character is, like, joining up and they could have just cut all of that out. Like, they didn’t need to. It didn’t really—I don’t know. It—you know, it just…
elliott
									
Well, just the fact that it’s like, “All my life, I wanted to be one of the Men in Black, but I can’t even find out where they’re supposed to be. I found ‘em. Can I join?” “Yes, you can join.” “Okay, great!” I was like, “What?! Can we—are we gonna put some complications or—?”
stuart
									
Like, you could cut that whole chunk out and—you could just start with her joining. Like—and be like—
elliott
									
Just start at that’s her first day, yeah.
stuart
									
“She just showed up!” Like. I don’t know.
elliott
									
‘Cause it’s—it’s also like we’ve really gotta—we’ve really gotta establish why this character wants to be a super cool secret spy who gets to work with aliens. Like, no. I would believe that. I don’t think you need—you need to build that up.
dan
									
I—yeah, well I will say… I wouldn’t say that there’s a lack of effort. I would say there’s a lack of effort in the screenplay. The screenplay is specifically what the problem is with this movie. I think that the other stuff in the movie—like, everyone’s doing their best with what they’re given. I think it looks pretty good. Like, it’s just the screenplay is not there. But it’s still good enough.
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Production-wise, it’s fine. So, that’s—Dan McCoy says, “Run, don’t walk, to see Men in Black: International.” Annabelle says, “Just don’t go see Men in Black III.” And… [They laugh.]
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
promo
									
Music: Peaceful, angelic music. Benjamin Partridge: The Beef and Dairy Network is a multi-award-winning comedy podcast, here on the Maximum Fun. And I would recommend you listen to it. But don’t just take it from me. What do the listeners have to say? [Several beeps of a busy signal.] Speaker 1: I would rather stick a corkscrew inside my ear, twist it around, and pull out my ear canal like a cork than listen to your stupid podcast ever again. Please stop contacting me. Speaker 2: Hell would freeze over before I recommended this podcast, the Beef and Dairy Network, to anyone. Speaker 3: Not in a million years. Actually, scratch that. Make it a billion years. No. How long’s infinity? Benjamin: That’s The Beef and Dairy Network podcast, available at MaximumFun.org and at all good and some bad podcast platforms. Speaker 4: Disgusting.  [Music fades out.]
promo
									
Music: Straightforward, thump-y electric bass guitar beat with light drums. Jackie Kashian: Hi, I’m Jackie Kashian. Laurie Kilmartin: Hi, I’m Laurie Kilmartin. Jackie: Aaand we have a podcast called, “The Jackie and Laurie Show.” Who are you, Laurie Kilmartin? Laurie: Oh, my God. So much pressure. Uh, let’s see, I’m a stand up. I’ve been doing stand-up since 1987. Uh, I’m a writer for Conan, I’ve written a couple books, have a couple CD’s out, have a special out. Who are you, Jackie? Jackie: Well, I too am a stand-up comic, since 1984. And, uh, I do the road like a maniac and, uh, don’t have a cool writing job, but I have four albums out. Working on a new album. We talk about stand-up. We talk about, uh, all the different parts of stand-up comedy. So, that’s The Jackie and Laurie Show, and you should subscribe on MaximumFun if you want to hear that. Laurie: [Chuckles] And I would encourage you not to. [Jackie laughs.] [Music fades out.]
elliott
									
Unfortunately, Annabelle can’t join us for the rest of the episode. Is there anything you would like to plug or remind our audience about before you go?
annabelle
									
Uh, well. Yeah! Thank you for asking. Um. You know, uh, the comedian Laura House and I, we have this new little podcast called Tiny Victories. It’s on Maximum Fun! Right here.
stuart
									
Well, that’s our home!
annabelle
									
And yeah! That’s what I’m saying! It is! And the thing about it is, it’s a tiny podcast. It’s 15 minutes long. We don’t—we limit ourselves to that. [Dan laughs.] And we have a—we have a—
elliott
									
That feels like a message is being sent to us, possibly the most bloated podcast on Max Fun.
dan
									
Well, also, Stuart is like clearly dreaming of a world where— [They laugh.]
stuart
									
You can do that?!
annabelle
									
And the idea is that, you know, we try to highlight the very tiny inconsequential, small mercies that are keeping us going during this—you know. Uh… flaming piece of shit year. And we have a criteria for what makes a tiny victory. What makes a tiny victory is something that gives you joy or makes you feel like getting out of bed that is completely un-newsworthy, that nobody [laughing]—it’s inconsequential to the workings of the world. Like, we have an episode about how I have found my happy place and it happens to be a traffic intersection in Los Angeles. You know. Just the kind of tiny, small observational things that are making it possible to survive. Laura House—actually, the episode—we have another episode coming up where she—her fiancé is a jazz trumpeter, but she doesn’t really like jazz and she has had her first jazz-gasm and she shares that with us.
stuart
									
Oh, cool.
dan
									
I remember when I had my first jazz-gasm, as a young man.
elliott
									
I’ve had to fake so many jazz-gasms. It’s— [They laugh.]
annabelle
									
So, that’s the show. You can find us on Maximum Fun and that’s it! So, I hope people will check it out. Actually, we have another episode we just—we just recorded about giving into hating the year 2020 and how satisfying that is, because there’s some really good merch. Yeah, it’s—the “I Hate 2020” merch is just—can’t be beat. So, yeah. That’s our little endeavor, our little pandemic endeavor. So.
stuart
									
That’s great!
elliott
									
Excellent.
annabelle
									
Thanks a lot.
stuart
									
No, thanks for coming on!
crosstalk
									
Annabelle: Thank you guys. Elliott: Yeah, thanks for joining us. Dan and Stuart: Thank you so much.
annabelle
									
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk about movies.  [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Well, we don’t have any ads this episode, but we do have a couple of Jumbotrons. We’re mostly supported by listeners like you, but if you want to send a special message, as a small business or a—just a personal message, you can go to MaximumFun.org—
elliott
									
Or a regular-sized person.
dan
									
MaximumFun.org/jumbotron. Elliott, I’m trying to give the URL so they can—they can buy an ad. Um—but uh, yeah. So, we’ve got a couple of Jumbotrons. Elliott, why don’t you go up first and read one?
elliott
									
You got it. And this Jumbotron says: “MCUniversity is the podcast companion to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Hosts Malcolm and Justin traverse each film to explore how the characters and worlds build and change overtime. We can’t agree on which Iron Man is more underrated or if The Avengers is masterful or messy, but we do have one small fix to make Thor: The Dark World watchable. We promise a mix of in-depth analysis and dumb awards, like Best Tricep Flex and Steve’s First Lie. Listen to MCUniversity wherever you get your podcasts. That’s right! Search for MCUniversity—one word—wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe.”
stuart
									
Man, I gotta find out about that tricep flex.  [Dan and Elliott agree.] Cool!  [In an announcer voice.] And I have a juh-juh-juh-Jumbotron! It’s Stuart’s time to read, everybody! Clear the stage! This message is for: James! This message is from: Emma! “Hey, butt! Will you take care of Watson, tonight? I’m tuckered out. Kay, thanks! Love always, your bug. PS: Happy anniversary?” That was adorable! Thank you!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It was. Dan: I also liked— Elliott: Although, for a minute—for a minute, I was like, “Are they just using this as, like, the bulletin board? Like, I’m—that’s fine, I guess. But.” Dan: [Laughs.] I mean, kind of. Stuart: Please do!
dan
									
I—you know, I see these before I send them to you guys and  [chuckles] I like how this one had a note, just specifying that “butt” was not a typo. That they meant to say “butt”. [Stuart confirms.] I just wanna give a little update—you know, we had this live show for Exorcist 2: The Heretic. You can see that on our YouTube channel. It’s up for all to enjoy. The donation period—
stuart
									
[Interrupting.] You can see us as we get slightly more crazy from having spent this much time in quarantine and whatnot.
dan
									
Mm-hm. The donation period for the raffle, the charity raffle to get some Flop House merch, has ended. I haven’t chosen the winners randomly yet, but I wanted to give everyone the totals. We got slightly more than 400 people donating. So, we’re not gonna do, like, an additional thing, but we—I’m sure—are gonna do more live events similar to this in the future. But money-wise, Flop House listeners donated $31,715 and 78 cents. We are kicking in another 5,000. So, almost, uh—$37,000.
stuart
									
Wow, you guys really killed it, by the way.
dan
									
To charity. Yeah, that was—that’s amazing.
elliott
									
Both times we’ve done this, I’ve been just like floored and blown away by the generosity of Flop House listeners. And it really helps me to feel better about this show being otherwise a total pile of nonsense—that our listeners have been so great at helping the world with us. So, thank you so much for doing that.
dan
									
Yeah. Um. I just have a note on my thing, when I was—Annabelle mentioned Reddit and I wrote down, “Reddit,” ‘cause I’ve been meaning to say Max Fun has a Reddit. If you—unlike the rest of Reddit, it’s not horrible. I mean, there’s many nice corners on Reddit, but it’s known for having not nice corners. But the Max Fun corner’s very good. If you wanna discuss the show but don’t wanna jump into our huge Facebook group, I just wanna encourage people to get on Reddit. ‘Cause I’m jealous of how many comments other shows get and so I wanna crush them. You know. Uuum, but Elliott, I assume you have something you wanna say about maybe a children’s book or something that you’ve written? Or something along those lines?
elliott
									
Well, I mean—I mean, I can if you want. I do have a—I do have a newish children’s book out, Sharko and Hippo. It’s available in stores and online now. Order it through your local independent bookstore. If you like the Marx Brothers and you have kids, you might like Sharko and Hippo. It’s me taking—or let’s say being inspired by the relationship between Harpo and Chico and bits they would do and applying it to a story about a shark and a hippo. The shark wants to go fishing and that hippo just will not give him the things that he is asking for. It’s available now and if you enjoy it and you haven’t read my first book—Horse Meets Dog—please do! It’s also available through your independent bookstore and online!
dan
									
I’m one of—I’m one of those things. I don’t have kids, but I am a fan of the Marx Brothers. I bought one just for myself and it’s a lot of fun. Stuart, do you wanna say any—  [Elliott thanks him.] —personal plug?
stuart
									
Yeah! Uh, I own a couple of small bars in Brooklyn, New York and so if you live in New York or Brooklyn and you wanna support a local business, we’re doing limited seating and we also have to-go drinks. Come support us and if you live in the United States, we are also shipping out t-shirts and hoodies. Sales have been so good that we constantly have to reorder both of those things. And I’m really blown away by everybody’s generosity and for coming out to help. It also means that I’m doing a lot of packing of shirts into envelopes. And sometimes it feels like I’m trying to stick a dog in a bathtub, but you know. That’s part of the fun.
dan
									
[Laughs.] And I also—I mean, as long as we’re mentioning  [chuckles] as long as we’re mentioning stuff, I wanted to say Elliott appeared on The Next Picture Show recently. [Stuart expresses amazement.] Talking about one of his favorite movies, The Fall.
stuart
									
A cool—that’s a cool, serious film podcast.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, if you wanna hear— Elliott: That was a real, serious film podcast and I think they were not always totally taken with my jokes. But — [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Well, I listened to it! They seemed to be laughing at you a lot. Was it—was it—
elliott
									
Laughing at me.
dan
									
Were there facial expressions that I [laughing] am missing?
elliott
									
[Laughs.] But I was invited on to talk about one of my favorite movies, The Fall. Because co-host Tasha Robinson’s a big, big fan of it and it was a great conversation about it. If you haven’t seen the movie The Fall, I highly recommend it, but I think you’ll still enjoy the conversation even if you haven’t.
stuart
									
Man, I would love to be on that show just to talk to Tasha about her experiences with roleplaying games. [They chuckle.] ‘Cause she’s also a big roleplaying game enthusiast.
elliott
									
It could happen! You never know!
dan
									
But let’s move on to letters from listeners. The first letter is from Max Last Name Withheld.
elliott
									
Wait, Dan are you saying [singing], “Here come the letter Qs! Questions from the listeners! Here come the letter Qs. We’re gonna answer those questions! It’s the letter Qs, it’s the letter Qs! Here come the letter Qs. Space stuff and then aliens, too. And we’re kind of like secret police that have fancy technology and you don’t need to know about them. It’s anti-democratic and it’s a little bit scary when you think about the implications, but we’re stopping aliens! These aliens sometimes they have like a head on a stick, but it looks like a real person’s head but it’s actually a robot—come the letter Qs!”
stuart
									
[Beat.] Speaking of Men in Black. [They laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Where do you think Chris Hemsworth had to go buy a suit to make him—his shoulders look that broad? Dan: This is what we do. Stuart: Do you—do you—do you—does he have to go to a special store? Like a Big and Broad store?
dan
									
Like buy a suit to make them look that broad?! [Elliott laughs.] I’m pretty sure they’re just that broad.
stuart
									
Yeah, ‘cause he looks really great in those suits.
dan
									
Yeah, ‘cause he’s a very, very, very handsome man who’s in incredible shape.
elliott
									
Well, I’ll tell you his secret is that he went to Men’s Warehouse and he liked the way he looked in the suit. He had to get it.
dan
									
He went—his secret is he went to Men’s Warehouse and then he said, “Wait—I’m a big Hollywood star. Hold on.” And he left and he got a bespoke suit made for him.
elliott
									
Yeah, and he went to a tailor. I will say, Men’s Warehouse is the place to go if you ever want to order a tuxedo and receive pants that are four sizes too large and look like you have elephant legs. ‘Cause that’s what happened to me before my sister’s wedding!
stuart
									
Aaah, that’s so funny. Did it—did it come with like a giant wallet chain? [They laugh.]
elliott
									
Well, it was like—the guy was like, “Here’s the outfit.” And I was like, “These look ridiculous.” He was like, “Yeah, you look like a clown.” [Dan and Stuart cackle.] I was like, “Are there any other pants?” “No. Those are the only pants.” It was—
dan
									
So, you started a revival swing band! [Chuckles.] You just had to.
elliott
									
Yeah, I had to. I had to do it. Yeah.
dan
									
Um, hey. So, Max writes, “Dear Floppers, I’ve been thinking a lot about Bugsy Malone, since Alan Parker’s recent death. When I first saw it, I must have been about ten years old—circa 1980. And among my cohort of tween boys, this movie was universally regarded as near perfect. No one would say it was as great as Star Wars, of course, because it fit into a different category. It was just an awesome movie made for us that we were too young to have seen in the theaters, but that some had on VHS or caught on TV. Before the onslaught of early ‘80s movies designed to win us over, like Raiders, E.T., Goonies, Gremlins, etc., Bugsy Malone existed to tempt us with the violence that we thought we wanted but instead gave us sweetness, friendship, and silliness that we really wanted. “Now, of course, the movie is cloying and unwatchable and the sexualization of a too-young Jodie Foster and the other showgirls is disturbing. But what I would really like to see is a sequel featuring the original cast in a gritty, neo-noir gangster drama about middle aged nostalgia and loss. It would need to include Foster in another Oscar-worthy turn as a now washed up Tallulah, real-life convicted fraudster John Cassisi, Fat Sam, trying to return to an unfamiliar world after a long prison sentence. And, in a redeeming, Travoltan, Pulp Fiction turn, Scott Baio is an aging don who keeps getting pulled back into the rackets. “My question: Take a movie you loved when you were younger—"
elliott
									
Yeah, impossible. There’s no redemption for him. Unredeemable.
dan
									
Yeah. “My question: Take a movie you loved when you were younger. How would it have to be remade now to fit your current sensibilities, life experiences, and tastes?” Thanks, guys, Max Last Name Withheld.
elliott
									
Thank you for writing in, Max. You know who would not like this question? Alan Moore. Anyway. [They laugh.] Dan, what do you think?
dan
									
Uh, I mean, obviously—I don’t know. There’s so many movies I liked as a kid where I would just not necessarily change much other than, like, cutting out [chuckling] a few elements. Like, I watched Monster Squad as part of a Halloween marathon recently. I’m like, “Well. There are like a couple of homophobic slurs up top that just can be snipped out. No problem. No need for ‘em. And the movie’s great.” Um. But I think, in general, like it’s just—I don’t know. I—there are movies…  [sighs].  [Elliott starts to talk but Dan continues over him.] Honestly, I don’t know that my sensibilities have changed that much. I’m a big kid at heart. I think we all know that. But there are things that I loved like Time Bandits as a kid that kind of like now, even though—and disclaimer, I hate to have to do this, but like more and more of Monty Python I have to be like, “Uuh, they’re cranky old men who have bad views.” But uh, but Time Bandits, as a kid, I loved it. And now, even though there’s a lot in it I still love, I’m baffled at my patience as a child. Like, there’s that whole sequence in the middle with the dearly recently departed Sean Connery that goes on for a long time and unlike the rest of the movie, isn’t particularly funny, doesn’t have a lot of visual interest and— [Stuart agrees.]
elliott
									
Oh, so even as a kid I loved that whole—that whole Agamemnon sequence. Well, ‘cause it’s about him finding a—finding a father figure. [Stuart affirms.]
dan
									
Yeah, who abandons him at the end of the movie, when his real parents blow up. [They laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah, that’s mean. Dan: And he’s alone in the world. [Laughs.] Hilarious!
elliott
									
I mean, they’re not the same dude. I don’t think—I don’t think that firefighter and Agamemnon are the same dude. Like—
dan
									
Well, it gives him a little like wink of recognition at the end.
elliott
									
Well, that’s ‘cause he’s creepy Sean Connery.
dan
									
What do you guys have to say about this? I don’t know.
elliott
									
Well, that’s—it’s interesting that you—there are certain things like—it’s like, I’m not—I don’t really want the things I liked as a kid, like, grown-up’d up, for me? You know? [They agree.] I am happier having them as kid stuff. But like, the way you’re talking about Time Bandits reminds me of the way I used to watch Godzilla movies when I was a kid, where I would sit through who knows how many scenes of scientists just kind of talking—or, like, government officials just not doing much of anything—to get to the monster parts. And it’s like, I want those scenes to be as exciting as the monster scenes. Luckily, they did it! It’s called Shin Godzilla and it’s awesome.
stuart
									
The funny thing is, like—I feel like with a lot of those movies and like the Time Bandits, like, I watched those movies a lot. So, like, I know there’s—it’s not just that I’m sitting through it ‘cause I know there’s a monster later. Like, I know there’s a monster. Like, I could just fast-forward the tape, but I didn’t. I just watched it.
elliott
									
That’s true. I mean, a movie that we watched a lot when I was a kid was Coming to America and maybe if there was, like—they updated it, maybe his son has to come to America and he’s, like, looking for his son? But Eddie Murphy would never do another Coming to America. Would heee?
dan
									
[Chuckles.] Stuart?
stuart
									
Uuuh, yeah I mean they’re making another Coming to America. That’s true. [They laugh.]
elliott
									
That was—that was the joke. But I’m trying to—like, it’s funny. The movies that—the movies that I—that I can think of from when I was kid, it’s like—it’s more like I watched a bunch of movies where it was like, “Why were my parents letting me watch this movie when I was kid?” [They agree.] Like, this was not a kid’s movie. But.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Like when my mom made me watch Creepshow 2 ‘cause she thought it was hilarious, but it fucked me up real bad. [Laughs.] In her defense, it is hilarious and it’s great. But man. Woof. Um. I don’t know. Like, it’s tough. I was thinking about this question a lot, because I feel like so many times, like—I don’t know if updating things will make it [chuckles]—make it better. Like, there was a long time where—and I’m sure, like, a lot of nerds were—would think of, like, “Oh, what if they could make this movie now adays, but with more modern special effects?” But I don’t know if that’s, like—that doesn’t matter as much anymore. Like, I don’t know. Like… I feel like when we got better special effects, we realized, “Oh, better special effects doesn’t necessarily make the movie any better.” Like it’s—you know, it’s… aaah, I don’t know. I’m just rambling. But, uh, so this is a very—this a thoughtful question that I don’t have a good answer for, is basically what I’m saying. Thank you, Max. [They chuckle.]
dan
									
That’s the motto of The Flop House. The next—
elliott
									
Thanks for writing in, Max. Go find those wild things.
dan
									
[Chuckles.] The next email is from—
elliott
									
Stop chasing your dog with a fork.
dan
									
[Laughs.] The next email is from Kevin Dillon (No, Not That One). I broke with the longstanding, last name withheld tradition to just give you that parenthetical.
stuart
									
To get a little joke in there? Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah, well. Yeah. Uh. This is—it says, “I know the remit of the podcast is to watch a bad movie and talk about it, but has there ever been a movie or series of movies you wanted to cover for the show even though it doesn’t strictly fit the show’s manifesto? Cheers for all the laughs, especially this year. All the best, Kevin.” Um. [Beat.] I mean, this is—this is interesting, ‘cause like… I don’t know. I flatter myself that we offer some good criticism from time to time on this show, but I do also enjoy that it is a comedy show, foremost—at least in my mind. Maybe not—maybe not lately. I don’t know how many laughs you’re getting. Who knows? But uh. [Stuart cackles.] But I—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Just laughing— Elliott: Right into how many laughs— Stuart: Laugh into your computer and then send us the readout. Send us the data. Dan: Send us— [laughs].
dan
									
You know, like—like [laughs] do some ASCII art of you laughing on a dot matrix printer and mail that in. I guess I’m saying that, like—
elliott
									
Mm-hm. Yeah. Be sure—be sure to tear off the little—the little sprocket holes on the sides. We don’t need those.
stuart
									
Oh man, I had one of those printers. It was such a pain in the ass.
dan
									
I enjoy thinking a little more seriously about movies. And my outlet these days have been, like, writing little Letterboxd reviews, but I don’t know—I’ve never been like, “Oh, I wish we could do this other thing,” because I wanna keep it so comedy-focused. But I think if I did, it would be to examine a larger sort of filmography of a director I like. And luckily, Blank Check already does that. Sooo. I don’t need to worry about it. But what do you guys think?
stuart
									
[Clicks teeth.] Uh, yeah, I mean, I think it’s—usually it’s things like thinking back to movies that came out before we started doing the show and thus they fall kind of outside of the window and I’m sure we could go revisit them, but like—you know, we still haven’t watched Bucky Larson, yet. And, I mean, that’s just— [They laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: That’s been hanging there like a hangman’s noose. Dan: And you’ve been talking about it every week!
elliott
									
That’s a perennial, yeah. How could—how could we not have it? Uh, yeah. I don’t know. I mean, there’s certain—there’s a movie that came up during our Exorcist show that I can’t remember what it is now, but we were like, “Oh, that would be a great one to do a live show about.” And I don’t remember now.
dan
									
Was it Teen Wolf?
elliott
									
It might have been Teen Wolf.
dan
									
I know that we talked about Teen Wolf.
elliott
									
I feel like that’s the movie—Teen Wolf is the one movie I’m thinking of where I’m like, “Maybe it’s time for us to finally talk about Teen Wolf.” We Need to Talk About Teen Wolf, the sequel to We Need to Talk About Kevin. [They agree through laughter.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Also, about a monster in a school. [Laughs.] Stuart: I mean, that would kind of explain some of—yeah. It would—it would explain some of Kevin’s behavior.
elliott
									
This murderer’s great at basketball! Don’t you have a problem with the fact that he’s a murderer?
stuart
									
Would Tilda Swinton also get to be a werewolf in it, though? ‘Cause I think she would really kill it.
elliott
									
She would be a great werewolf in a movie.
stuart
									
And John C. Reilly would have been a great werewolf. Man.
elliott
									
Yeah, but John C. Reilly’s gonna be—I mean, he could—I mean, now we’re just talking about making a new Teen Wolf movie and John C. Reilly could totally be the dad in that.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: But we don’t know— Dan: He’d be great.
stuart
									
Uh, wait. Did Kevin kill John C. Reilly in that movie with a bow and arrow or a gun? I think it was a bow and arrow.
elliott
									
I don’t remember.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And was it— Dan: I will say— Elliott: I was gonna—
stuart
									
Was it a silver tip on that? ‘Cause I think if he was a werewolf, he could survive it, right guys?
elliott
									
Sure, it just needs to have silver on there. Yeah. And then he—and then it’ll kill him.
dan
									
I know that, like, if this movie existed in real life Elliott would probably hate it, ‘cause they would get the wrong people to work on it. But I do think a comedy remake of The Wolfman, starring John C. Reilly, could be very funny. Like—
elliott
									
Oh, I think that would—I—it’s—it would—it’s only the difference of is it gonna be the kind of comedy where it’s just ad-lib nonstop or is it gonna be like a real movie that has jokes in it? He would be fantastic in that. Yeah.
stuart
									
No, Elliott, I want my comedies to have a complete like mirror image version that is just alternate takes that you can easily cobble to sell on the DVD box.
elliott
									
Well, it’s like, are each of the scenes gonna be sketches? Or are we gonna have a real—‘cause there’s a lot of—that would be really good. Dan, you should write that and then send it to John C. Reilly.
dan
									
Okay. You know. I—you know, I just got him in my contact list. So, I’ll do that.  [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah let me, I’ll pick up my yellow pages. I’ll see if I can find his address.
dan
									
Uh, I think this a—
elliott
									
Just look it up under “Reilly”.
dan
									
Yeah. Well, I think this the part where we talk about recommendations, movies that you probably should watch instead of Men in Black: International. Uh.
elliott
									
[Singing.] Heeere come the recommendations! Movies we actually liiiked! Here come the movie recs, here come the movie recs!
dan
									
Partly because I actually liked it quite a bit and partly to ignore—ignore. To annoy Stuart.
stuart
									
What? What?!
dan
									
Partly to annoy Stuart, I’m gonna recommend—
stuart
									
You’re gonna recommend Game of Thrones the TV show or something? [They laugh.]
dan
									
I’m gonna recommend American Utopia, the David Byrne concert, the Broadway show that was captured by Spike Lee and is available now on HBO Max.
elliott
									
It was captured by Spike Lee and kept in a cage in his basement.
dan
									
[Laughs.] He put it in a little mason jar and sometimes he would shake it to see if he could agitate it. No, uh—
elliott
									
Eventually he got a good—he got a bid from the National Zoo in Washington DC and that’s where it lives now.
dan
									
I, uh, never smashed “buy ticket” so hard as when I got a chance to see this show on Broadway. I was like—you know, “I don’t care. I don’t care. I’m not gonna look at the price. David Byrne is doing a Broadway show. I’m gonna see this.” I saw it live on Broadway. It was a fantastic experience, and the movie is also a fantastic and different experience. You know, it’s staged for the theatre, obviously. So, some of the—in a movie, you’re missing the experience of not only the immediacy but like seeing the whole stage at once. But it is a very smartly shot movie in a way that—you know—Stop Making Sense is. It’s not the movie that Stop Making Sense is, but nothing could be as a concert movie. That’s really a high benchmark, but it is a very good movie, a very joyful concert film and especially right now, just something that’s fun and uplifting. American Utopia, I enjoyed it a lot.
elliott
									
I can’t wait to see it! I haven’t watched it yet, but I can’t wait to see it.
stuart
									
What’s that on? HBO Max or something?
dan
									
I do believe so.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. Hobo Max. Hobo Max is a hobo who wanders through the neighborhood collecting cans.  [Chuckles.]
stuart
									
Uh-huh. But he’s pretty extreme. He only collects Mountain Dew cans. Code Red.
elliott
									
Oh, yeah. That’s the—Mountain Dew cans and Surge. Yeah.  [Laughing.] Code Red! That’s awful.
dan
									
Specifically, the most extreme!
stuart
									
Yeah, and Takis. But those aren’t cans. That’s— uh, bags.
elliott
									
He’s the hobo who has a GoPro. GoPro Hobo they call him. Hobo Max.
dan
									
Hey, Elliott, you’re already talking. Why don’t you recommend something?
elliott
									
Oh, sure. I know it’s—we’re releasing this after Halloween and recording it after Halloween, so the time for horror movies is over. That being said, I finally got to watch a horror movie, this month. I watched a new movie that’s on Netflix. It’s called His House.
stuart
									
Oh! I watched some of that last night! It was great!
elliott
									
Yeah, it’s directed by Remi Weekes and it stars Wunmi Mosaku and Sope Dirisu—I’m sure I’m pronouncing their names wrong. And it tells the story about two refugees from Sudan, a husband and wife, who are trying to restart their lives in England and are dealing with both the… unsettling feeling of trying to start a new life in a place where they are seen as outsiders and they don’t really—and they don’t feel comfortable. But also, they are quite literally haunted by the things that they’ve left behind them and perhaps their history. And it’s really, really well done. It’s—I thought it was really great. And it just goes to show I think horror is—and I’m not—I’m not the first person to say this and I’m not alone it. It’s probably the best genre for dealing with traumas that are hard to talk about through drama without coming off as either pretentious or lecturey or cloying. And so, it does a very good job of giving a little taste of the kind of post-traumatic stress and feelings that come with being someone who’s a refugee from a violent situation. But it’s also just like a really solid, like—really well-done horror movie. It’s got lots of good scares. And it looks beautiful. So—and the acting’s great in it. So, His House: now on Netflix.
stuart
									
Yeah, I’m—yeah, I put that on last night after work and I was like—oh, you know, you are introduced to the characters and you find out that they’re refugees and I’m like, “How can this movie be scarier than what they’re already going through?” And then of course it—you know—is a scary movie. [Chuckles.]
elliott
									
Oh, there’s a scene where Rial, the wife of the two, she is—she has to get from the house that they’ve been given as a—on a probationary trial basis from the government—to the doctor’s office. And she’s just getting lost in these streets and does not know how she can ask someone for help or how to get there. And it is—it—that scene alone is frightening. Just feeling that lost. It just is a—they did a really fantastic job with it. Stuart, what have you seen the rest of, though?
stuart
									
Equally serious, I’m going to recommend a movie called Welcome to Sudden Death—the sequel or remake or reboot of the Jean-Claude Van Damme, top-tier action movie, Sudden Death. This movie does not feature Jean-Claude Van Damme or Powers Boothe, I think ‘cause Powers Boothe died in the movie. His character, not the actor. [Dan giggles.]
elliott
									
I mean, Powers Boothe did die though, didn’t he?
stuart
									
Yeah, but not in the filming of Sudden Death. It wasn’t like—I’m not gonna make a weird joke. Okay. [They laugh.] So, this movie—this movie stars action superstar Michael Jai White. You may know him as Spawn, of course—where he takes over the role of a security guard, but this time instead of at a hockey arena, he’s a security guard at a basketball arena. You’re probably wondering, “But wait a minute, it’s called Welcome to Sudden Death. Basketball doesn’t feature sudden death.” You’re worrying too much about this movie. Chill out. It’s an action movie. It’s fairly—it feels fairly cheap, but it’s also super fun and dumb. It feels like a—like a return to, like, just like Sudden Death, the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, it feels like a return to that kind of filmmaking. All the fight scenes kind of feel like they—they all have the setup of almost like a—the moment when a cutscene goes into an actual match in, like, a Mortal Kombat game. And you’re like, “Oh fuck! I gotta grab my controller! I was too busy scanning Twitter or something.” And it—it’s great. There’s a great fight scene between Michael Jai White and his real-life wife. [Chuckles.] Man, that was a great line. “Real-life wife.” Real-life wife, Gillian White, that is both a great fight scene and also has the nuttiest ending of a fight scene. And there’s also a fight scene in a locker room that is fucking sweet. So, if you need to check your brain at the door and get a little bit of action in your life, Welcome to Sudden Death—now playing on Netflix!
elliott
									
What does—what does it say about us—
stuart
									
Oh, and there’s—and I gotta say, there’s a fucking character in this movie named Gus who I can’t tell if he’s a ghost or if he’s, like, a figment of this guy’s imagination? [They laugh.] It’s—I watched it a couple times and I can’t tell!
dan
									
Or a mule!  [Laughs.]
elliott
									
I like any movie where you—where you can base—you can say, “I’m not sure if this character’s a ghost or not.” [They laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah, there’s so many scenes of him like… but, like—and like, Gus’ll show up and they’ll be—it’ll—then he’ll do, like, Benny Hill or like—Benny Hill or like Scooby-Doo style, like, running around away from the terrorists. It’s so weird! Oh man, it’s great. Welcome to Sudden Death. Check it out.
dan
									
Elliott, I think you had an observation about our movie choices that you were going to say.
elliott
									
Oh, no. No, no. It’s just that I always—I don’t know why. I always remember that he is Spawn and I never remember that he’s Black Dynamite, even though I enjoyed Black Dynamite so much more than Spawn. [They laugh.] But I guess it’s the first role you see somebody in. That’s just what they—although that’s not even true, ‘cause I saw him in the Tyson TV movie before I saw Spawn, so I don’t know what—I don’t know what it is. Spawn—
stuart
									
Yeah, Black Dynamite is really great. It’s—but I mean, it’s—doesn’t Spawn, like—it’s such—I feel like the Spawn movie such a weird thing. Like, it’s such an artifact of superhero movies.
elliott
									
Yeah. There’s a—there’s that scene where Leguizamo, as—what’s his name?
stuart
									
Violator.
elliott
									
Violator. He’s talking to a little girl and he has a balloon that turns into his own head and she does not react at all. And I remember seeing that in theaters and being like, “Wait, so is— [laughs] what’s going on here?!” Like, this is something a regular person would be terrified by. [They agree with a chuckle.]
dan
									
Well, guys. That’s it. The show. It’s called The Flop House. We’re on it. We host it. You listen to it.
elliott
									
Was this just a trailer for The Flop House?! ‘Cause it’s long.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah it’s a long trailer. Dan: A long trailer. A very unusual one, too. But uh.
elliott
									
So, in the—in the middle of an episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go! There’s just gonna be a two-hour promo ad of The Flop House?
dan
									
It’s the only way we can get more [laughing] listeners. ‘Cause short ads don’t really give a good flavor. Anyway. Uuuh. Listen. Thank you to Jordan for editing the show and producing it. Thank you to—
elliott
									
Jordan Kauwling?
dan
									
Jordan Kauwling. Thank you to Annabelle Gurwitch for being our guest! Thank you all for listening.
elliott
									
And for really—I thought she did a—I thought she did a great job considering she hadn’t—seen a different movie.
dan
									
Considering she did not—
stuart
									
It was bound to happen someday, and she was great.
dan
									
Yeah, no, it really was. I honestly thought one of us was gonna be the first one to do it, ‘cause we have done movies where there are several other movies with the same title and there have been, like, sort of panicked texts back and forth every once in a while being like, “Is this the one that I was supposed to watch!?”
elliott
									
That’s why I checked about Uninvited. I was like, “This is the movie, right? The one with the cat? From the ‘80s?” ‘Cause there’s like ten movies called Uninvited. But—
stuart
									
Yeah. There was—and there was that time—at least one time, I feel like when we were recording old style, Dan you fell asleep through, like, a third of the movie and we just rolled with it and that was great!
dan
									
Yep! So. You know, that’s kinda—
elliott
									
One time?!
dan
									
[Laughing.] That’s the kind of rickety enterprise we were running here. But thank you for listening to it. And thanks to our network, Maximum Fun, for being our network. But all things must come to an end, including this episode and me talking. So, I’ve been Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
I’ve been Stuart Wellington!
elliott
									
And this is Elliott Kalan over here!
stuart
									
Byeeee!
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
elliott
									
Yeah. That is a catalogue I only know from comic references to it. [Stuart and Dan affirm.] That line of clothing I only know from comedy. [Music ends.]
music
									
A cheerful ukulele chord.
speaker 1
									
MaximumFun.org.
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
—audience supported.
About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.
Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.