TRANSCRIPT Ep. 305: Little Italy

Transcript

dan
									
On this episode, we discuss: Little Italy!
stuart
									
Good thing I watched this movie! I almost fuhgoddaboudit (forgot about it)! [All laugh. Stuart laughs extra-loud at his own joke.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Okay.
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
dan
									
Hey, everyone! And welcome to The Flop House. I’m Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
Oh, hey, guys! I’m Stuart Wellington!
elliott
									
And hey—it’s Elliott Kalan! I was gonna be real big and then Stuart came in kinda quiet and contemplative—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Kind—kinda low! Elliott:  —and—that’s kinda low. Dan: That’s good improv.
dan
									
You’re matching his energy.
elliott
									
Yeah. I gotta—I’m—they call me The Energy Matcher.
stuart
									
[Pause.] Uh-huh. Is that—is that the improv character we’re gonna start doing— [Dan laughs.] —a scene around? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. He’s the guy who matches whatever energy he’s around. But—uh-oh!—that means if you lock him in a—in a room with, like, I dunno—Josh Gad—he is gonna be off the walls. But then—
stuart
									
Oh no!
elliott
									
—you put him in a room with, uh… who’s real low-energy?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Like, Billie Eilish? Dan: Steven Wright.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Yeah. Steven Wright.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. You put him in the room with Steven Wright. [Laughs.] Stuart: [Through laughter] Steven Wright and Billie Eilish.
elliott
									
They’re finally collaborating!
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Um, so hey, guys. This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. And, uh—and, uh, we did a contest a while back.
crosstalk
									
Dan: We’re finally getting to the winners. Uh-huh. We’re not— Elliott: We did a contest. Yep. That’s the right verb! Stuart: Yep.
elliott
									
“We did a contest.”
dan
									
Uh— [Laughs.] And, uh—yeah.
elliott
									
So, Dan, did we enter the contest?
dan
									
[Laughs.] No. Okay. We held a contest.
elliott
									
Oh, okay! [Laughs.]
dan
									
For designers to design new merch for us? And—
stuart
									
It would be—it was a—it was a contest, um, just to put it into context for the listeners. Um—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Contest context. Stuart: It’s—
stuart
									
It’s a similar—similar to, like, if you were to go to, say, uh, an Italian, uh, cultural festival—
elliott
									
Of course.
stuart
									
And there is a contest as to who makes the best pizza. We did something like that, but instead of pizza it was about— [Elliott laughs.] —uh, podcast-related merchandise.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. And, uh— Elliott: Thank you for that context.
elliott
									
It was very useful. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And the prize—the prize for the contest was you get to pick the movie we’re gonna watch and talk about.
stuart
									
Mm-hm!
elliott
									
Let me explain the part of the contest that is most applicable to the information we need to provide to the listener. Dan—
stuart
									
Dan’s just deleting emails right now. [All laugh.]
dan
									
No. I’m—I’m—I’m trying to find, uh, so the—I’m—the guy who selected this movie, uh, gave us a little information about… um… you know, how to—
crosstalk
									
Dan: How to— Elliott: And Dan—
elliott
									
I assume as a podcasting professional, you have that queued up ahead of time?
dan
									
I do—I—well I did have it queued up. But then he has a—unusual last name that I did ask him how to pronounce? And I was trying to find the— [Laughs.] The—the email where he explained that. But uh, I have it. Uh, his name is Scott Yakashin. And, uh, he picked a movie called Little Italy.
stuart
									
Little Italy.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Mm-hm. Or as my— Dan: Which I’m—
elliott
									
As my grandmother would pronounce it, [with glottal stops in both words] “Little Italy.”
dan
									
[Laughs.] I’m over pronouncing it because—as Audrey pointed out—not since The Rural Juror has a— [Laughs.] Has a movie name been hard to pronounce if you kind of do it quickly. So.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Uh, although everyone in the movie pronounces it—yeah. They—they do, like, sort of a [slurring] Little Italy. So.
stuart
									
Yes. I mean, the—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh—there’s, uh— Elliott: They’re just like, [slurring heavily] lilll ill.
stuart
									
There’s a wide variety of Italian accents in this movie. [Laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yes. From real to comically overdone.
stuart
									
Yup.
elliott
									
And—and to comically underdone. Like, this is—we’ll talk about it. But this is maybe the—considering it’s a movie about Little Italy, with it—two families that own pizzerias—
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Two families—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —united in pizza. Equal in esteem. Elliott: And—the—it’s like— [Laughs.] It’s—
elliott
									
It’s maybe the least Italian movie I’ve ever seen. Like, The Irishman felt more Italian than this movie. [Laughs.]
dan
									
I mean, not every Italian person has, like, a comic-opera accent, Elliott. Uh—
elliott
									
It’s called Little Italy! They own pizza places! Come on. [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I mean, no matter what Andrea Martin would have you believe— Stuart: Well. He’s got you!
dan
									
They don’t all—[though laughter] they aren’t like—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Well, no, I think— Dan: [mimicking overwrought Italian accent, Mario and Luigi style] “It’s me!” Stuart: Oh, man.
stuart
									
And Andrea—Andrea Martin. Man. What a treasure. [Laughs.]
dan
									
I mean, she’s great. She’s vastly overplaying [though laughter] this role. But we’ll—
elliott
									
I—I—I think—I—see, I would say the opposite. I think—partly because it makes sense that this is the—this is the Little Italy of Toronto, uh, which is probably a little bit less over-the-top than the Little Italy I’m used to, which is the Tristate area of the United States’ Little Italy. You know. Downtown Manhattan or in New Jersey. Where everyone is trying to outdo themselves in how crazily cartoonish they can sound in real life.
dan
									
Uh, yes. But let’s—I wanna read what Scott had to say about this movie? He said: “Howdy-do, Floppers! I first came across this movie when me and my partner were holed up in a hotel one frigid Chicago night. Scrolling through the “Still in Theaters” section, we were baffled to find Little Italy, a film that we were both fairly certain was not still in theaters. Nor had it ever been in any theater. Was the television receiving broadcasts from another dimension? One where Hayden Christensen had jet-black hair? We decided to shell out the sensible $18.95—” I don’t know about that “—and quickly—”
elliott
									
Whoa! [Laughs.]
dan
									
“—discovered that the movie did come from an alternate universe of sorts—a world of ketchup potato chips and public healthcare known as ‘Canada.’”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Yup. Elliott: Ahhhh.
dan
									
As we watched, I realized that this brand of tomato sauce flecked with maple syrup cinema would be perfect fodder for three Frank D’Angelo devotees such as yourselves. Although as far as I know, the Sicilian vampire fails to make a cameo appearance. I sure hope you guys enjoy this movie from the Great White North! Or at the very least, I hope it provides an opportunity for Elliott to make a ‘That’s Amore… eh?” pun— [Stuart laughs.] —at some point in the podcast.” And I did want to say—I forgot to mention the particular piece of merch that Scott Yakasin did for us. It’s, uh, the poster of us all, sort of Big Daddy Roth style, watching a movie on a couch.
stuart
									
Ohhh, cool! Yeah. Well, uh… this—uh—I’m just gonna get this started right away, guys. Uh, this contest has yielded some delicious fruits like tomatoes. Uh— [Dan laughs.] —So! We are going to jump— [Elliott laughs.] —directly into Little Italy. And you know? Just right off the bat, guys—I love it when a movie opens with the, like, central theme of what the movie’s about? It’s like in, uh, what is that? Five Million Miles to Graceland? The movie about battling Elvises?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. Five Million Miles to Graceland. Stuart: Where— [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
It takes place on Venus. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Where the—where the movie opens with—
elliott
									
It’s about aliens who love Elvis. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] The—where—
elliott
									
The emir is coming to earth.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: He loves Elvis. Stuart: I mean—
stuart
									
I mean, Venusians aren’t necessarily aliens if they’re on Venus. But we’ll get to that later. [Elliott laughs.] The—so—but that movie opens with, y’know, it’s a movie about two battling Elvises. So the movie opens with two CGI scorpions battling in the desert. And I feel like this movie opens—this movie opens with a eggplant and a tomato exploding in an Italian man’s face. [Elliott laughs.] Which kinda shows how, like, two great Italian flavors are more delicious when put together.
dan
									
Mmm. Mm-hm.
elliott
									
And now, do you think the eggplant—as with emojis—represents the male penis, and the tomato represents the female genitalia?
stuart
									
Certainly, that is—it is, uh, just an introduction to exactly how horny this movie is. [Elliott laughs.] Which is—off the charts. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Very. Oh, uh—before we get into the plot—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —I actually— Stuart: You’re like—
stuart
									
How many—how many roentgens of horniness does this movie have? [Elliott laughs.] Well—the meter says 3.5 or whatever.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: The meter— Stuart: But that’s as high—
stuart
									
—as the meter goes! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
The meter only goes that high! Uh, it’s gonna take—you’re gonna have to get an—uh—an—a West German robot to try to defuse— [Stuart laughs.] —this. [Laughs.] The horniness in this one.
stuart
									
Nope. The—the horniness killed the robot already. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Oh no! Uh, so—I wanna mention—this movie comes from the, uh, Petrie—or [taking a stab at a different pronunciation] “Peetree”?—uh, Canadian-American filmmaking dynasty? [Dan laughs.] Uh, it—wait, what?
stuart
									
And it is—it is a—it is a petri dish of— [Dan laughs.] —various flavors. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yup. It’s—uh—no, you know, shouldn’t eat out of a petri dish, Stuart. [Dan laughs.] That’s not—that’s not a cooking utensil!
stuart
									
What if it’s penicillin? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Don’t eat the pen—you don’t eat penicillin just out of a dish! Like—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Oh, no? Oh, boy.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh— Stuart: Why?
stuart
									
Uh—I don’t have—uh—‘cause what. It use a spoon? A fork? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
No, yeah. So penicillin was discovered when a doctor Jonas Salk, uh, saw some yummy-looking mold in his petri dish— [Stuart laughs.] —and just scooped it up with his bare claws! And just shoveled it into his mouth and he said, oh, I don’t have polio anymore! So—okay. Uh… it—this is directed by Donald Petrie, who also directed Mystic Pizza and Grumpy Old Men and in my research I found—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: His dad was— Dan: Miss Congeniality?
elliott
									
What?
dan
									
I think also Miss Congeniality.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I was just adding to it. Elliott: Yeah. Miss Congeniality. Uh—
elliott
									
His dad directed A Raisin in the Sun and Fort Apache, The Bronx. His brother—that’s his dad, Daniel Petri—his brother, Daniel Petrie, Jr., wrote Beverly Hills Cops and Turner and Hooch. His mother—Dorothea Petrie—was a film producer and his sister—Mary Petrie—is an actress and she was in The Hidden. And his other sister June Petrie is a movie producer. So this is a major movie family dynasty that I had never heard of, even though they apparently received an AFI award for being a family that makes movies. All of them.
stuart
									
Yeah, that sounds great! Uh, that’s some excellent background, Elliott! So the movie—
elliott
									
Thank you.
stuart
									
—opens on— [Laughs.] On two little kids. [Elliott laughs.] Just hanging out being best friends. We’re introduced to Leo and Nikki—yes, Dan?
dan
									
I wanna— [Elliott laughs.] —I know I’m jumping in here. But I just wanna say—these two little kids will grow up to be Emma Roberts and Hayden Christensen. Hayden Christensen, who is a full decade older than Emma Roberts, but—
crosstalk
									
Dan: They appear to be— Stuart: Uh-huh. But I mean—
dan
									
—about the same age at—at the time that they’re children.
stuart
									
Well, I mean, that’s—that’s the, uh—that’s the—that’s part of the problem with, uh, you know, like, the entertainment industry. Where they’ve kinda normalized the idea, Dan, that—y’know—these much older men are—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, but that’s— [Laughs.] That is—that is—that is the issue! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] Stuart: Roughly the same age as younger women. So that when you bump into, like, 20-year-old couples where they’re both 20 years old, you’re like, who’s this little boy? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yes. That is an issue, Stuart, that I— Stuart: Ma’am, you brought your son—
stuart
									
—to the—to the pizzeria? [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
I feel like— [Laughs.] Yes. I feel like while pairing an older man with a younger woman with movies is a very real issue—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —this is a slightly different issue, which is trying to make us believe— Stuart; Thank you for addressing that, Dan. I think that’s brave of you to make a stand.
dan
									
—that Hayden Christensen and Emma Roberts are the same age. That is a…
stuart
									
Well it’s like—it’s like watching Hobbs and Shaw, a movie that posits, uh, that, uh… that… y’know, uh, Jason Statham and the amazing actress whose name has slipped out of my head, uh, who plays his sister—
elliott
									
Meryl Streep?
stuart
									
Yes, I think it is Meryl Streep, Elliott. Uh… I’m just gonna go out on a limb and guess that.
dan
									
Is it Rebecca Ferguson, or—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —am I [inaudible]. Okay. I’m thinking [inaudible]. Stuart: It is not Rebecca Ferguson. Elliott: Una O’Connor?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Nope, um— [Laughs.] Nope! Dan: Mission Impossible.
stuart
									
Let’s not just go down a list of actress names. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Bette Davis?
stuart
									
I’ve already made my guess. I already said Meryl Streep.
elliott
									
Okay.
stuart
									
The—uh—but they—they suggest that these two are, uh— [Laughs.] Are like basically exactly the same age. And I’m like—well, Jason Statham’s 50, and IMDB does not list this actress’s age, but I’m assuming it’s not 50. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
It’s, uh, Vanessa Kirby, by the way.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Who’s also in a Mission: Impossible movie— Stuart: Yeah. She’s awesome. Yeah. She’s super awesome.
dan
									
—which is probably why I was confusing. But anyway.
elliott
									
I think, Dan—the—the bigger issue for me—
stuart
									
Yeah. You get partial credit, I guess. Yeah.
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. The bigger issue—when you just said Mission: Impossible? As if that was her name? [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
No! [Stuart laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: You were not paying attention to what— Elliott: The way—the way an old person ta—
dan
									
[Through laughter] What happened. I—
elliott
									
I think, Dan, the issue for me was less that Hayden Christensen is clearly much older than her, and more the fact that we’re supposed to believe the two of them are Italian. Which—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Well, Hayden Christensen—I looked up— Elliott: —is very difficult for me.
dan
									
He actually has some Italian in his background. Emma Roberts has none, and it shows.
stuart
									
Well, I mean… she is the daughter of Eric Roberts, who was in Pope of Greenwich Village. [Dan and Elliott laugh.] And—and at least one Batman movie! [Laughs.]
dan
									
I guess he— [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I guess it’s true. Dan: —plays a lot of Italian people. So. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
And Hayden Christensen—as you can tell from his name—is the son of Jesus Christ, who many Italians worship, so. Yeah! I guess. Okay. It checks out.
stuart
									
I—that just reminded me about how in Batman Begins, Tom Wilkinson has the best Italian accent— [Elliott laughs.] As a—as a mob boss. [Dan laughs.] Oh, man. That rules. Okay. Uh, so yeah! We’re introduced to these two kids. Uh, they’re best friends. There’s also definitely some romantic interest. Nikki clearly has a crush on Leo. And both of their parents, uh, both of their fathers own a pizzeria—the best pizzeria in all of Little Italy, Toronto. Uh, called “Pizza Napoli.” Um—and one thing I’m—before we get further into the plot, I just wanna say—I love how this movie is very unabashedly set in Toronto.
elliott
									
Yes.
stuart
									
Like, there are Canadian flags everywhere. There’s Air Canada, a product placement—that’s great. Um, so—flash-forward. Nikki is now all grown up in culinary school—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —in London. Did I miss a fucking super important point, Elliott? Elliott: Oh wait—wait—I—I just—wait— [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Yes, you did. The dads are prepping for the big pizza contest.
stuart
									
That doesn’t fucking matter at this point!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It does, because— Stuart: We’ll get to it in a second! [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Because they’re—alright. Alright. And I—and also—what I was say—Andrea Martin is the grandmother. She tells Nikki, “Never squeeze the love out of a man’s heart. You—you’re squeezing those tomatoes; you’re squeezing ‘em until there’s nothing left in ‘em. But never squeeze a man’s heart that way.”
dan
									
Alright. I’ll like—I like the second one ‘cause—‘cause it’s a funny quote. But I have to agree with Stuart that—that there was [though laughter] no reason to backtrack for a—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: The whole movie’s about this stupid pizza contest! Dan: —a plot point that we will bring up later on. Stuart: No, but—no, but Elliott was hoping—
stuart
									
—that I would mention the pizza contest, but not mention that there’s going to be results. Uh, so that people are sitting on the edge of their seat for the rest— [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —of my fucking plot summary. So that they’re waiting—they’re like—they’re like—obviously— Elliott: Yes. Thank you. Exactly. I’m trying to build some—some suspense for the audience.
stuart
									
—they’re going to win, because they’re the best; but… there’s a whole movie— [though laughter] so I don’t know what’s gonna happen. [Elliott laughs.] So, uh—Nikki is now in London. Uh, she’s working for Jane Seymour, who is this, like, evil Gordon Ramsey-type, uh, chef character. And obviously it’s Jane Seymour. She’s great.
elliott
									
Oh, wait! I had a question for you, Dan, in this one. So—Nikki says something about, “I was actually learning to cook. Like, four Michelin stars cook.” I thought Michelin stars only went up to three?
dan
									
Uh… I—yes? I think that… was true? I think maybe recently they added another Michelin star?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Let me—let me look it up. Elliott: Oh. Grade inflation. I see.
elliott
									
Okay. Well, anyway. I just figured you’d know that better than me ‘cause you’re like Mr. Cook. You’re like, hey! [Exaggerated Italian accent] I gotta make a pizza pie in my house!
stuart
									
Maybe she’s showing, like, a cultural tendency for hyperbole, Elliott! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, okay. I believe that. Okay.
stuart
									
So—and now we introduce, like, one of the major challenges of the movie—uh, because Jane Seymour offers—once again, Jane Seymour is playing a character. It’s not Jane Seymour the actress. [Elliott laughs.] She— [Laughs.] She—she offers Nikki the opportunity to compete. To write a menu for her brand-new hot restaurant. The only problem is, she has to get this menu done and then she has to change her student visa to a work visa. So she’s gonna have to go back to Toronto for a brief time, only to return to London. So she’s gonna have to go back and see her family.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And why is that a problem, Elliott? Elliott: And that’s the—
elliott
									
That’s a problem because there’s some bad blood going—an unfinished business between her family and Leo—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —and the other family and her. Stuart: Could this be related to that pizza contest you were so—
stuart
									
—fucking hot for earlier? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Uh, yeah! Maybe it’s entirely about the pizza contest? [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh—by the way— Elliott: No, I know—I—
elliott
									
No, but you’re right. You’re right, Stuart. I—mentioning the exploding eggplant— [Dan laughs.] —is much more on point—
crosstalk
									
Dan: I mean, that’s the more fun fact. Elliott: —than the pizza contest that is literally—
elliott
									
—the pivotal thing in the entire movie. [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I mean, it’s not like we weren’t gonna get to the goddamn pizza contest! Stuart: The exploding vegetables was a—it was a carefully—
stuart
									
—crafted joke— [Dan and Elliott laugh.] —that I spent the whole time in the cab coming up with. And I was like—which angle should I go with?
dan
									
Also, I confirm that you’re correct. That there’s still only three Michelin stars you can get.
elliott
									
So maybe she’s saying, like, I’m gonna be so good they’ll give me a fourth star. But it comes off as—it’s so casually said that I was like, does the movie not know how many stars—like, did they not do that amount of research?
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Uh, so yeah. Now this introduces that the families are now at war. Their fathers—Vince and Sal—have separated and they have opened up their own separate pizza parlors. Uh, the—
elliott
									
And how did—how did they—how did they show us, visually, that the dads are older than they were in the old scenes?
stuart
									
Uh, they don’t have beards anymore? Is that it? [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: That’s—yeah. One of them has shaved his moustache. Dan: Like, little goatees?
elliott
									
And I was like—no, no. When you get older, you’re supposed to grow a beard!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: You don’t—he looks younger! Dan: Yeah. Don’t I know it.
stuart
									
Wait—yeah, I guess you’re right. You do look younger when you don’t have facial hair. Unless, like—unless you’re Lance Henricksen. I bet Lance Henricksen, if he grows a beard, you’re like—who’s this 20-year-old stud?
elliott
									
Yeah, probably. That’s—because he covers up all those Pumpkinhead scars. Yeah. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] That’s how he got ‘em!
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah!
stuart
									
Uh, okay! So. Uh, we also—we’re also reintroduced to Leo—at this point now played by Hayden Christensen. Uh, he’s used to playing a character who was earlier introduced as a young boy and is now a [though laughter] grownup man. [Laughs.] Uh, and he— [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Hayden Christensen, you’re— Elliott: You said—said we’re gonna need to— Dan: Speciality.
elliott
									
We’re gonna need to have a grown-up play a character who was once a young pers—once a kid. Get me Hayden Chrisensen!
dan
									
Yeah. We all remember young—young Shattered Glass. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Yeah! Where he’s like—he’s like a little reporter! [Laughs.] Uh—
dan
									
[Laughs.] He’s a boy reporter. Like Tintin.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: So—Hayden Christensen— Elliott: Doesn’t Tintin just make stuff up?
elliott
									
Is that what Tintin is about? [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] That’s why—all—like, that’s why all those old Tintin comics were kinda racist ‘cause Tintin himself was kinda racist. That’s the sad part. That’s the sad thing that they never tell you.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, wow. That’s a bummer. Way to bring it down. Elliott: Wow. Okay. So—so the real issue was not the—
elliott
									
—the—makin—the fantabulizing. It was the—it was the racism.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah! Uh… so… [Elliott laughs.] At this point, Leo has been introduced, uh, introduces—played by Hayden Christensen. You’re probably wondering—yes. He does, at some points, have longer spiky hair and at other points have shorter— [Dan and Elliott laugh.] —flat hair. I don’t know why this is. It could be because he’s wearing a scooter helmet because he rides a scooter. So he’s a real Casanova—all the ladies love him. We’re also introduced to… uh, some additional side characters that work in the pizzerias. Uh, both pizzerias employ a character of Asian descent. And, yes, you’re wondering—yes. They’re also kind of racist toward those characters.
elliott
									
What—the—the—uh—specifically the Indian subcontinent. ‘Cause there is another Asian character who’s—who’s of Chinese ethnicity later.
stuart
									
And—and—this movie makes some jokes that, like, even if—I feel like if Hank Azaria was watching he’d be like, woof! I’m off the hook now! [All laugh.]
dan
									
Yeah. Well especially ‘cause the—the Chinese, uh… guy is also gay, and that is shown by him later on harassing [though laughter] Hayden Christensen a little bit.
dan
									
Yeah. I mean, they’re buddies. So like—Hayden Christensen seems cool with it? But, uh…
elliott
									
When we—it’s—I thought—I took that as playful joshing. He—I mean, Hayden Christensen does get harassed by that policewoman later on. In a scene I found genuinely very disturbing and uncomfortable.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. Dan: Well— Elliott: But we’ll get to that.
dan
									
[Through laughter] We’ll get to it.
elliott
									
But the part where she is—where she is openly groping him in front of everybody and describing his penis and stuff like that? Like, that’s not funny! [Through laughter] It was—
stuart
									
It was horrifying! And it went on forever. And it was—the thing was it came right after a scene that was also horrifyingly sexual, because this movie is—as I mentioned—horny in scary ways.
dan
									
I—I will say, like, I was, like—I wasn’t—I was uncomfortable with that scene because if it was a woman it would be… totally unacceptable. It—like, the movie thinks it can get away with it—
crosstalk
									
Dan: ‘Cause it’s a woman groping a guy? Elliott: I mean—that—Dan—
elliott
									
That scene exists with a woman and a man. It’s from Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call: New Orleans. [Dan laughs.] That’s how terrifying it is.
dan
									
But I have to admit that, like, if it wa— [sighs.] The woman—the actress I found very funny. Even while thinking, like, [though laughter] this should not be.
stuart
									
Yeah! I mean, she didn’t write the scene… probably.
elliott
									
I’m guessing there was a lot of improv in that scene.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
But okay. So, the dads—they have two competing pizza places ‘cause they broke up for unknown reasons after the pizza contest.
stuart
									
And by breaking up, both of them are suffering financially and in some ways with their own rel—with their fam—familial relationships. We learn that the wives—played by Alyssa Milano, who brings—actually brings a certain gravitas to this, uh, movie. I kinda like her performance. Uh—and I don’t remember the actress who plays, uh, Vince’s wife. But they’re still friends.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: They’re like— Elliott: Yeah. I’ll look it up.
stuart
									
They’re secretly, uh, they’re like—secretly colluding in like trying to find ways to get their, uh—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —idiot husbands to make amends. Dan: Yeah. And they’re—hiding wine glasses— Elliott: Uh, that’s—
dan
									
In—in—in [though laughter] potted plants so they can talk to each other.
stuart
									
Love it. Love it.
elliott
									
That’s, uh—that looks like that’s, uh—I believe that’s Linda Kash. Who plays that, uh, that role. And she’s a, uh, a Second City alum! She’s been in a bunch of TV shows.
dan
									
Oh wow!
stuart
									
And we—we also, uh, we also—and this—this is another plotline that will develop over the course of the movie we also learn that the, uh, the—the grandparents, Nono and Nona—right? That’s what they call grandparents?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yes. Nona’s grandma, and Nono is grandpa. Stuart: Played by Dan—yep.
elliott
									
Because grandpas love that song that goes, “No, no! No! No, no, nononono! No, no! No! No!”
stuart
									
That actually explains a lot.
elliott
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Uh—so, uh, grandpa’s played by Danny Aiello and, uh—
crosstalk
									
Dan: In his final film role. Stuart: Nona’s—
stuart
									
Is it?
dan
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, wow. Elliott: Yeah. He di—
elliott
									
He died after making this movie. And, uh, Danny Ial—Iallo—Aiello—has never seemed less Italian to me. Than in this movie. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. Well, ‘cause they pair him with Andrea Martin, who’s like— [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Exaggerated Italian accent] Ma! Rone! Ah! Ba-da-duh! My boy! He’s good! [Laughs.] Yeah. Dan: Who’s like— [Laughs.] Yeah. She’s— I mean—
stuart
									
Yeah. It’s almost like, uh, people were like, no, this is actually a stage performance. [Dan laughs.] There’s no cameras here. [All laugh.] Uh, so… and, yeah. So they are—it turns out that they are also secretly having an affair that will develop over time. And affair as in, like, an actual romance. They’re not married to anyone else. Um—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: So— Elliott: No, but—but Nona did—
elliott
									
Nona did promise her dead husband she would never marry again. Which is a real hurdle to get over.
dan
									
And a shitty thing for—I don’t know whether the husband demanded it or whether she, uh—
elliott
									
No, no. I think more that she—maybe more that she—she vowed. You know.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Stuart: Mm-hm.
stuart
									
Thanks for saying “Nono,” by the way. Um— [Elliott and Dan laugh.] So we also find out that because of those financial problems, uh, Leo can’t just work at the—at his family’s pizzeria. He also works at the bar that he lives above. That’s right—Luigi’s Bar. Uh—and—
elliott
									
Tell us about Luigi!
stuart
									
So Luigi is play—is, a, uh, is a Chinese man. Uh, who comedically is called “Luigi” and wears Italian’s—he has, uh, like, an affected Italian accent. He wears a lot of chains. I think he has a, uh, belt that says “Italian” on it. Um, and he runs this, like, fun dive bar. So fun, in fact, that—at one point—the entire bar just goes outside to play a soccer game and pour shots in each others’ mouth with no money being exchanged. [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Um, we also— Elliott: I was that—
elliott
									
Was that the part, Stuart, where you were watching it and you were going, “Nooooooooooo!” [All laugh.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Yeah. I was like, flipping the table over and tearing out my hair. And Charlene’s like, it’s just a movie! And I’m like, it feels so real!!! Um, so, uh… of—Leo goes to work. Nikki arrives—uh, arrives from London. She is picked up by her friends. Uh, her friends take her—she’s like, I can’t see my parents yet. I need a drink. So they all go out to Luigi’s Bar. That’s the local bar. And of course they run into Leo, who is—as we have—at this point understand—very hot. Every woman wants him. Every man wants him. He’s amazing. Um…
elliott
									
He’s hotter than a fresh slice of pizza right out of the oven!
stuart
									
And they are immediately making super horny flirtation. He pulls a soccer ball out and you’re like—what are they gonna do with this soccer ball? Well the thing is is that Leo and Nikki have this long history of playing soccer. So of course—you know—they go outside in the rain. They get all super wet. Do a bunch of shots. And then we have this romantic scene of Leo kicking soccer balls at Nikki over and over. [All laugh.]
dan
									
It is—pouring outside, by the way. And—
elliott
									
Oh, yeah. It’s like a monsoon in Toronto.
dan
									
And—and—I —y’know, maybe I would believe that these two flirtatious, like, competitive characters would go out and do this in the pouring rain? But there’s a huge [though laughter] crowd out there watching them, too! Many without umbrellas! And I found that crazy. Also, it’s clearly AstroTurf, based on the way the water is pooling beneath them.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Through laughter] Oh, wow. Film flubs! Write that one in! Elliott: Wow! Cool.
elliott
									
Ooh, public park burn from Dan McCoy!
stuart
									
So of course at this point, y’know, they—they have this great scene. Super romantic. They both get wasted but of course before they can kiss, Nikki passes out drunk in the rain on Leo’s lap. Flash-forward to the next morning.
elliott
									
Flash-forward to the next morning: she’s dead. He left her there.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: With her mouth open. Stuart: [Through laughter] Yup! Dan:  Wow!
elliott
									
She drowned.
stuart
									
She, uh— [Laughs.] Yeah. On that pool—
dan
									
[Through laughter] Horrifying!
stuart
									
In a pool—in a pool of water on AstroTurf. [All laugh.] Uh, so she wakes up naked in a strange bed. Uh, and then of course we’re—we see that Luigi is pulling on his undershorts. He makes her briefly believe that they had slept together. And then he’s like, no, just kidding. And then Leo comes in and does the same thing! And I’m like, what the fuck, dudes?! [All laugh.] Like—it’s not funny to like… to infer that you sexually assaulted somebody! Uh, and then there’s a lot of, like, close talking in this bedroom that also amplifies that, like… threat of sexual violence? It’s really weird to me. Yeah! So, uh… that—I was kinda put off. So I don’t actually remember what happened at this point.
elliott
									
Well, they’re—they’re kinda talking to each other about—she—she thinks they slept together and he goes, no, no, you didn’t. I just put you to bed in your dress and I don’t know what happened after that. And she—they talk to each other—
crosstalk
									
Dan: No, no, no. He— Elliott: As if—
dan
									
I mean, like, he took the clothes off but only because, like, she was soaking wet from the fucking monsoon.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I think he—I think she—he said she took them off and then he dried them. Dan: Oh, okay. Elliott: Yeah. He says—he says I put you—
elliott
									
—into bed clothed. What happened after that, I don’t know. So she probably took them off in the middle of the night. Uh, she—but they talk to each other. It’s one of those conversations you see in a romantic comedy where it’s like—we can’t be together! We’re from two different worlds! Like, we just don’t have enough in common! And it’s like—you’re from the same world. Like, your dads were in business together! You’re both in the same business! Like, c’mon, guys.
crosstalk
									
Dan:  Yeah. I mean, she’s—but she’s going places— Stuart: Fair Verona. [Laughs.]
dan
									
—and he’s, uh, stuck in, uh, stuck in Little Italy!
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Oh. Yeah. That’s true. I guess that’s it. But I guess—I wish they had said that.
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean, as addressed later on in the movie—it’s called Little Italy because it never changes. Uh… something I don’t quite understand but I think it’s applicable—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —at this point. Elliott: [Through laughter] Yeah. It doesn’t—
elliott
									
Like, I wish it was—it’s—it reminded me of the line in the movie, uh, Heist? When Danny DeVito goes— [Stuart laughs.] “Of course you need money! Everybody needs it! That’s why they call it money!” And it’s like, that doesn’t make any sense. [Dan laughs.] Like, it sounds like it makes sense, which is like—that’s why they call it Little Italy. ‘Cause nothing ever changes. It’s like, wait, so, are you saying little things don’t change? Or Italy doesn’t change? Because little things often change. They grow into bigger things. Children, small cats, small elephants.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: They change! Dan:  Hayden Christensen.
elliott
									
Yeah! Hayden Christensen. Exactly. Whereas Italy has also seen a number of changes over its period! From the kind of separate, disputed states that were the case for—well, let’s go back all the way to the ancient era of Rome. To the—to the different, uh, occupied states of the 18th and early 19th centuries, to the unified Italy that we know today, which itself went through the changes of the fascist governments and current democratic governments. So I would say to you, Emma Roberts—aka Nikki Angioli—Italy has changed quite a bit! And if you’re not a—okay with accepting that? Then maybe you shouldn’t be Italian. Oh, you’re not Italian, Emma Roberts? I’m so sorry. I apologize.
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean—Little Italy is a little bit like a teenager that transforms into a car and then transforms back into a teenager. And both times you’re like—this is kinda sexy. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Wait, does that— Stuart: [Inaudible.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Wait, are you talking about the wraith? [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
I was talking about Turbo Teen. But, um— [All laugh.] So, uh—now—so we get some stuff where the two pizzerias are, uh, the—the two owners of the pizzerias are playing pranks on each other. And by pranks I mean—at one point I guess they had, uh, called—what—the, uh—they had—they’d like—they called the IRS or the Canadian equivalent? Claiming the other, uh, performed tax evasion.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: They tried to get s— Elliott: I think it’s called the IR—
elliott
									
I think it’s called the IRA?
stuart
									
Ohhhh! Uh— [Laughs.]
elliott
									
‘Cause Canadians say “eh” sometimes at the end of their sentences!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh— Dan:  I mean, that would be funny—
dan
									
—except for it evokes, uh, Irish terrorism, Elliott. [Laughs.] So—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Oh, you’re right—oh, boy! Stuart: Wow. Dan—Dan’s making a political stand—
stuart
									
—on this podcast! Uh, so we are— [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Stand against terrorism, sure!
stuart
									
Wow. That’s very brave of you, Dan.
dan
									
Yeah. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh—do we—shall we take a moment to just think about it, or?
crosstalk
									
Dan:  No, we can move on. Stuart: Okay. Elliott: Uh, Dan—Uh, Dan—
elliott
									
I notice you’ve got a number of different colored ribbons on your jacket. Can you tell us about some of those? [Dan and Stuart laugh.] The audience can’t see them. It’s weird that you would wear them for a podcast recording. But just tell us what they stand for.
dan
									
Uh, I just like ribbons. But [Laughs.] I—I like looking like a present.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Or like an ultimate warrior.
dan
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
I mean, isn’t it—isn’t that the ultimate present? [All laugh.] The ultimate warrior?
stuart
									
Yeah. Uh—
elliott
									
But—but what’s this current prank? Which—
stuart
									
The current prank is that Sal has, uh… Sal has switched out—he has spiked Vince’s oregano stash with a different kind of stash entirely. That’s right—he swaps out the oregano with marijuana! A thing that looks very similar but smells fairly different. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Well, and also this movie was clearly made by someone who has never smoked or eaten marijuana [though laughter] because the reaction is, like, people are dancing on tables? And going nuts—
elliott
									
And getting super horny.
crosstalk
									
Dan:  Yeah. A drug— Elliott: All these—this—
elliott
									
This old lady is dancing on a table and she’s super turned on by the waiter.
dan
									
I—I—I know that—
stuart
									
And then she drags Jogi up on the—up on the table, and he is also horny! But I think he was horny before—I don’t think he had any pizza—
dan
									
[Sighs.] Oh, God.
stuart
									
—at all.
crosstalk
									
Dan:  Elliott, I know you don’t— Elliott: Well, no. As—as—
dan
									
[Yelling] Oh, God! Let me say a thing!
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Okay.
elliott
									
Sorry, Dan! Me and—Stuart and I are having a conversation here! But I know you need to say your thing—
crosstalk
									
Dan:  Well you goddamn people cover me up all the time! Elliott: —so go ahead. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Jesus!
crosstalk
									
Dan:  Elliott, I know that— Stuart: Like we cover up a sauce—
stuart
									
—with some delicious mozzarella! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
I know that, uh, you do not partake of the marijuana. But it—it will… often make you a little horny. What it will not do is make you want to dance. It is well-known for making you want to lie on the couch—
crosstalk
									
Dan:  And—and watch television. Elliott: That’s what I’m more used to.
elliott
									
When I’m around people and they’re smoking marijuana, usually they fall asleep.
dan
									
Yes.
elliott
									
So. Or they—or they start talking about nonsense that I don’t need to know about and I get out of there and I go, save it for your podcast, buddy. And then they have a podcast! Called “Dan in High Life.” And it’s where Dan just gets high and talks about whatever.
dan
									
Yeah!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So, uh—oh, what I—actually—you should do that. Stuart: That actually sounds pretty good! Why didn’t you—why didn’t you do that, like—10 years ago? Dan: I dunno.
dan
									
Sure. Okay. [Laughs.] I mean, I—I need a—I need a more regular supplier of weed to—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Dan:  —do a whole podcast, but.
elliott
									
Alright, I’ll get it for you. So in, uh, so in researching this movie, I noticed that on the IMDB trivia, they mention that—even—this is—so that we know the movie is not out of date—even though marijuana use was legalized in Canada ten months after this movie was released, you would still need to buy that pot-infused pizza from a government store. So the scene still works, everybody.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Don’t—don’t write into the makes of Little Italy— Stuart: Yeah, I mean, I—I also don’t—
elliott
									
—and say this—it’s out of date and it dates the movie. It still works.
stuart
									
I mean, I assumed if it was—even if it was legal, you can’t… spike somebody’s stuff with a drug. Right?
elliott
									
It’s—it’s still illegal to give drugs to somebody without their knowledge. Yes. [Stuart laughs.] No matter how legal a drug is, I think that’s always illegal. Uh—But—
stuart
									
Okay. So we’re—we’re also introduced to—there’s a slight—this really isn’t a complication, I just wanna bring attention to a new character: Lisa, the flight attendant. Who shows up mainly to make it seem like Emma Roberts is not attractive. Uh, as she is a paramour of, uh, of Leo’s. Um, but obviously she doesn’t matter to him.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Um, and it’s just a—once again— Elliott: And she never appears in the movie again.
stuart
									
Yeah. She never appears again. This is exclusively to, uh, restate that Leo is hot and also to suggest that airplanes may play a part later on [though laughter] in the movie. [Elliott and Dan laugh.] But we’ll get to that. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Now, uh, and so—I don’t wanna—I don’t wanna gloss over the scene that we mentioned before. After the—the pizza is spiked is where we get the moment where a lady cop is—is basically groping Leo, uh, to—she’s searching his body for—I dunno, a weapon? I don’t understand. And she’s just grabbing him everywhere and commenting on it. And again, the purpose of this is to remind the audience that Leo is supposed to be some hunk o’ man.
crosstalk
									
Dan:  Mm-hm. Stuart: Uh-huh. And it’s—
stuart
									
Uh, it’s gross and super uncomfortable! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. It’s—it’s really—she’s literally like squeezing his butt and talking about how hard it is to everybody? And this crowd of people that are watching? And I was like—uh, this is like, something out of like The 120 Days of Sodom. [Dan laughs.] So—it’s so horrifying to me that that—the amount of powerlessness that he has in that moment, and that he’s on display while it’s happening? It’s like—ugh. Like, it—it made me think that this was like, a, uh—you know the movie White Man’s Burden where they’re like—what if white people were like black people? It was like, this is out of some movie where they’re like, what if men were treated the way men treat women? [Dan laughs.] I think it would go like this! It—it just—it feels wrong in this movie, I guess is what I’m saying. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Mm-hm! Um, but—yeah. So it—but I think it also, like… it’s another moment where the just general feeling of horniness blat—like, kinda bleeds into the, like, the main narrative here.
elliott
									
I mean, Toronto has—it has won Horniest City in Canada for, I think, 70 years running. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh, wow! [Laughs.] Oh wow! Yeah. But I think, uh… I think—what is it? Uh—
dan
									
Montreal is gotta be the horniest.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Well, but Montreal doesn’t consider itself Canadian.
crosstalk
									
Dan:  Oh, that’s true. Elliott: Let’s not stick our—
elliott
									
—our feet in that landmine, okay Dan?
crosstalk
									
Dan:  Okay. Stuart: Although— Elliott: Let’s, uh—
stuart
									
The place where Corner Gas happens is pretty horny [Through laughter] oh man!
elliott
									
Guys, you know what? I think Canada might be having sex. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Wow!
dan
									
[Through laughter] Canadians—write in! Tell us! Are you? [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Are you doing it? This is—uh—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —Just write in, care—care—care- Stuart: I think you guys are opening a can of worms! [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
You do not want!
elliott
									
Just write—write to The Flop House, care of Real-Life Mounty? [Laughs.] [All laugh.] And—and just tell us! Are you doing it? Canada, we wanna know!
stuart
									
Um, so yeah. We get some more comedic scenes. We get a scene where, uh, the two fathers—Sal and Vince—uh, continue their tradition of having ths, like, kinda celebrity roast battle? Where they go to Luigi’s and make fun of each other until one of them gets mad and stands up. Uh, we have a scene where… uh… Nono and Nona are sneaking around and have to meet up at a Starbucks because nobody will see them there, and then they both have—what, like, a macchiato or whatever for the first time? And they become addicts?
elliott
									
It’s such a weird moment where they’re both kind of orgasming over how good they like—think the coffee at Starbucks is. It was a strange moment. In the movie.
stuart
									
And then—and then there’s, like, a garden party where… the—it’s held, uh, where—like, Nikki’s friend is hosting. And they’re trying to continue, uh, Nikki’s mother played—once again, by, uh, Alyssa Milano, who’s great—uh—is trying to set Nikki up with a husband because—here’s the thing. Nikki knows that she is not planning on staying in Toronto. She’s just there to get her—her work visa and then she’s going back to London. I’m not going to say that she is as big of a coward as the boy from Midsommar, but I feel like if she had just come out and told these people that she is worried about making feel-bad, we wouldn’t have all these problems. Right, guys? [Laughs.]
dan
									
Uh—wait. Making who feel bad?
stuart
									
Her parents! She doesn’t want to tell her parents—and theoretically, Leo—but, yknow? We all come to those moments where we wanna spare people the heartbreak but in turn we’re just kinda like—we’re behaving cowardly! You knjow what I mean?
dan
									
Yeah. Have we got into the point yet— [Elliott laughs.] —where they hang out and eat pizza?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: We’re about to go there. I just want—I wanted to briefly mention the— Elliott: No. That’s coming up. That’s—that’s after—
stuart
									
The fellow Marc Anthony that they tried to set her up with, who, uh… visibly grabs his crotch and then starts sniffing her cast-off, uh… high-heeled shoe. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And he’s also a mortician. And—and—and uh, in the—in this movie, of—finally, we’ve had a Flop House movie that had bloops during the credits—but in the bloops they have him talking and he goes, you know, they’re not just bodies. They’re kinda my friends! Friends with benefits, ya know. And it’s like—they did not need to make this character as… as—undatable as possible. [Stuart laughs.] It was like they went—there are certain points in the movie where they’re like, let’s go way overboard and have a character that is so cartoony he becomes sinister. [Laughs.]
dan
									
I—I did laugh at that bloop, though . [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, okay.
stuart
									
Do you think that—do you think that they, like, had, uh—a collection of scenes—almost a triptych of scenes—of her meeting three different guys that all had a—had a fetish or a thing that she was not interested in? And they’re like—too much time. Combine ‘em all into one guy. [Dan laughs.] He grabs his crotch— [Elliott laughs.] —has a foot fetish, and also is probably, uh, has, uh, is necrophilia.
elliott
									
Recast the scene. Just get one dude. Have him do it all. Yeah. I think so.
stuart
									
I mean, they probably saw the actor and they’re like, he is the entire package. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. I wanna make it clear—like, if you have a foot fetish, great. Just don’t—
crosstalk
									
Dan:  —smell someone’s castoff— Stuart: But that’s the thing!
dan
									
—shoe [though laughter] without their consent.
elliott
									
Just without their—if—just ask someone’s permission before you smell their shoe! That’s totally—that’s okay! You know?
stuart
									
In no way am I passing judgment on a foot fetish. I feel like the movie is passing judgment on it.
elliott
									
No, the movie is implying that this—I mean, we shouldn’t pass judgment on morticians, either! Like, it’s a necessary part of—you gotta do something with dead bodies!
stuart
									
I don’t—I don’t think that’s what we’re—we’re passing judgment on.
crosstalk
									
Dan:  Well, I think that— Elliott: One of—no, but—
dan
									
I think that they’re deliberately making his job unappealing to her.
elliott
									
Yes. The movie—it’s not like the move—it’s not like when she hears the mortician she’s like, okay, cool! Like, she’s turned off by that also.
stuart
									
Oh, I—I guess I’m—I’m assuming that the bloop is part of the canon that he has—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —has friends with benefits with the bodies. That’s what I’m assuming. Dan:  Oh, yeah. That he—has sex with… Yeah. Elliott: Oh, okay. Now—
elliott
									
Now, as we know—
stuart
									
It’s not canon, I guess. [Through laughter] My mistake. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan:  It’s true. Elliott: It’s not in the film.
elliott
									
Anything that happens during or after the closing credits is just apocryphal. Yeah. [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. And you know, Hayden Christen— _[Laughs.]Yeah. Dan:  They’re like the Gnostic gospels. [Laughs.] Elliott: So there’s— [Laughs.]_
elliott
									
The Gnostic Little Italy. Yeah. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean—just because Hayden Christensen’s involved doesn’t mean that there’s some kind of extended universe. [Laughs.] [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Uh, so—Leo and Nikki—their fathers are feuding. Two different restaurants. They—they had an argument. They come from different worlds. What are you gonna do? Get together for a romantic pizza-making dinner, right?
stuart
									
And—man, I… love this, uh. I love this date. Y’know. They’re gonna cook dinner together. She starts eating and she’s like, aw, this is so great! And he’s like—he’s like, don’t fill up on the appetizers! And I’m like… what the fuck?! Why wouldn’t he call it antipasti or whatever the fuck? Like, who calls it appetizers?
dan
									
I wanted to say, too, he has a—
stuart
									
Once again, I threw the table over. [Elliott and Dan laugh.] I had already righted it previously. [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Through laughter] You just went— Dan: He has—
elliott
									
—You just went “Mah! Ron! Ah!” and started biting your knuckles, you’re so mad.
dan
									
He has a—a pizza oven in his apartment.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: ‘Cause he’s the perfect man. [Laughs.] Dan:  With a big open fire. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Which I do not think is a thing that people have in their apartments. And—
elliott
									
It’s probably not—it’s probably not, uh, officially a zoning-approved thing. To have an open pizza oven in your—second or third-floor apartment? Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah. And he is, uh, more interested in, uh, y’know, fancier pizza pies? Than the very traditional pizzas being sold by his father? And he puts—
crosstalk
									
Dan:  —figs on the pizza and her mind is fucking blown by this. Stuart: It’s another conflict.
crosstalk
									
Dan:  In a way that, like—anybody who’s like— Elliott: Well—well, no. She—
dan
									
—a professional chef should not be, like—wow! [Through laughter] Figs on a pizza!
elliott
									
No, no. But Dan—she tells him to put figs on the pizza.
dan
									
No, she doesn’t!
elliott
									
Yeah. Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I was too busy— Dan:  That’s part of his thing!
stuart
									
The thing is, guys, I can’t decide. Because the whole time I was wondering—are they gonna fuck on this pizza? [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Well, Dan, you and I are gonna have to go back and rewatch the movie. He’s talking about the crust. He has a specific way he does the crust. And she says, put the figs on the pizza; that’ll cut through the cheese. And so we’re seeing that they are combining their talents. And that they make the perfect pie. But you’re right! He does have a rooftop garden of organic ingredients and he dreams of opening his organic pizza place.
dan
									
Which—by the way—that rooftop garden has, uh, upwards of 16 or 17… like, lamps on it? But they’re, like, house lamps? They’re like— [Elliott laughs.] —table lamps with lampshades and stuff?
stuart
									
It’s a very, like, sitcom set.
dan
									
Yeah. Like, I don’t know whether he like set those up ‘cause she—he knew she was gonna come up there? I dunno. Audrey was very much like, what if it rains?! What’s going on?! Why are there so many lamps?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Dan, and—it never rains. Stuart: Mm-hm. And I’m—as we’ve already—
elliott
									
Wait a minute. Soccer in the rain—oh no! [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh—yeah. So the—the date goes—the date goes pretty well. At once point, somebody says—you’re speaking my language. And then they do some sexy Italian dancing. And then, uh… and then Nikki abruptly leaves. She says, I need to leave or else I’ll stay. Uh, and he doesn’t quite realize that she’s, y’know, that that is, uh, she’s talking about an issue larger than just that night. Meanwhile, uh, grandpa, uh, is faced with the prospect of not, uh, not getting to actually sleep with Nona. So she says, you gotta put a ring on it. Uh, I think she even says, like Beyoncé.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And so of course— Elliott: They mention Beyoncé a couple times in the movie—
elliott
									
—and—it—with diminishing returns each time. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Oh, no. No. I disagree I—I love the last time, when Andrea Martin goes, [exaggerated Italian accent] “I’m a Beyoncé!” [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh, so of course, uh, he proposes ‘cause, y’know… what else is he gonna do? Right? Like—he doesn’t have that much going on! [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
C’mon, what’s he gonna do? Wrap a slice of pizza around his dick? No.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: He wants—he wants her! Dan:  Whoa! [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I guess—I guess it is a binary choice, Elliott! Dan:  That’s what you’re jumping to? It’s true!
dan
									
If you’re not married you gotta wrap some pizza around your dick!
elliott
									
I’m just saying, he doesn’t have a lot of options! Okay.
dan
									
I’ve been doing it for years! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
So… uh… yeah. So at this point, like, y’know… uh, our two characters kinda go off and speak with their, uh, parents and grandparents to get a little bit of knowledge. Uh, grandpa’s talking to Leo and he imparts some very important bits of wisdom, like—uh… love is like making a pizza. You learn from your mistakes. You gotta be fearless. And have fun. And then he also follows that with—you can take the girl out of Little Italy, but you can’t take the Little Italy out of the girl. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] And a variety of sayings like that. Uh—it’s—
elliott
									
I wish—I wish they had then revealed that he was watching a soccer game over Leo’s shoulder and not really paying close attention— [Dan laughs.] —to the conversation. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh, he’s like—the chances we didn’t take? The love we didn’t make. [Elliott laughs.] That kinda shit. So of course—
elliott
									
Hey. He’s like—hey. Leo. He who dies with the most toys still dies. Y’know? Life’s a beach. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh, yeah. It’s five o’ clock somewhere. Uh— [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: So of course— Elliott: Hey! You don’t have to—
elliott
									
—be crazy to work at this pizzeria, but it helps!
stuart
									
Yep. Uh, so Leo delivers a late-night pizza and a message for Nikki to meet—be ready at dawn. Where he shows up on a scooter to drive her around—as Charlene put it—they’re in Little Italy, not Big Italy! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] Why are they riding on the scooter? Um, so they—they wake up at dawn before everyone else is awake to go to… like, a street festival.
dan
									
Yeah. An Italian, like, street festival.
stuart
									
But like, they don’t live that far from the fest—like, they’re in Little Italy!
crosstalk
									
Dan:  No, I don’t know what’s going on. Stuart: Is this a different town over?
dan
									
Yeah. But they’re also just like tasting a bunch of—I—I dunno. Like, I— [Sighs.] I guess if you like the food that you make… y’know, you might have fun going out to a, like… a food festival. But I also was kinda watching it being like—I dunno. They gotta eat this [though laughter] all the time! [All laugh.] Like, why are they like in a—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: They’re like—finally! Italian food! Dan: Go someplace else! [Through laughter] Yeah!
stuart
									
Yeah, I mean—as—as I’m just—as we’ve experienced, Toronto is a city that has a lot of different culinary options. It’s not just Italian food. So you’d think that they would, uh, sample a, uh, y’know, a full cornucopia of different flavors. Um, so of course in this montage there is a moment where they’re comparing novelty t-shirts that say different Italian things— [Dan laughs.] —that’s great. And then they, of course, buy those t-shirts—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: ‘Cause they’re wearing them later. [Laughs.] Yeah! Yeah, they— Elliott: They wear them instantly. Yeah. They take— [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Their—their regular shirts they’re wearing before, I assume they threw in the gutter. No longer needing them.
dan
									
They’re like, this shirt isn’t Italian enough! [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Now, uh, here’s the thing. Dan. Just a minute—this is done like kind of like a flirty montage with music so you don’t totally hear all the dialogue. But I have to assume that—as you were saying—they love this cuisine and they’re just like, hey! Check out what this guy over here is doing with bread, tomato sauce, and cheese! No, no, no, no—you gotta come over here and see what this guy is doing with bread, tomato sauce, and cheese. Wait, wait, wait! Look what I’ve found—you’ll never guess the combination. That’s right: tomato sauce. Bread. We threw some cheese in it. Hey! Over here! No, wait, hold on! I got tomato sauce and cheese. Where’s the bread? It’s right underneath it. They’re—they just need to find all the different combinations. Because that’s basically what Italian street foods are.
crosstalk
									
Dan:  Yeah. Also, I wanna— Stuart: Wow.
dan
									
—say, um—
elliott
									
Take that, Italian street fairs! [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
As I think I’ve mentioned before, Audrey—while being Filipino—uh, grew up, uh, part of her time in an Italian household. And she was very upset. She’s like—you don’t buy cannoli that’s prefilled. So that’s a little tip for all you! Apparently, don’t buy cannoli that’s prefilled.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: There’s a part— Stuart: Yeah, I mean—I do!
stuart
									
‘Cause—what—I’m not gonna fill it! [Elliott and Dan laugh.]
dan
									
Well, you don’t have to fill it. You buy it at a place that will fill it for you.
stuart
									
So wait, like, I buy the—the shell— [Dan laughs.] —and then I wait for the fucking cannoli man—
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] The shell— [Through laughter] You’re not—you’re not buying— [Laughs.] Stuart: —to ring the bell and drive his cart by. And I’m like—cannoli man! Cannoli man! I run out with the shell, Dan. [Elliott and Dan laugh.]
stuart
									
And he pulls out his nozzle and he stuffs it right in my shell— [Elliott and Dan laugh.] —and he fills it. And I’m like, okay! Well I don’t have 17 cents! And he’s like—[exaggerated Italian accent] this one’s on me! And I’m like—okay! But why are you speaking like that? And then I run in and I devour my cannoli.
dan
									
Stuart, you’re not buying just the shell [though laughter] when you buy this cannoli. You are paying—
crosstalk
									
Dan:  —the—the shell and the filling. [Laughs.] Elliott: No, no. You’re buying the experience!
dan
									
They’re just separate at the beginning.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Really? Dan:  They can combine. Elliott: They give you the shell—
elliott
									
—and the fill—you put your hand out and the put the shell in one hand. [Dan laughs.] They fill your hand with the filling. And then you gotta mush ‘em together. And that’s why they call it “cannoli,” ‘cause it’s like—oh, cannoli! I gotta—I got a mess on my hands here!
stuart
									
Is—is that why they—where they got the idea for the—what is that? The McDLT where they package the hot shit separately from the cold shit?
elliott
									
Exactly. Keeps the hot hot and the cold cold. And it just uses thrice the Styrofoam of a normal package.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Now, here’s— Stuart: I guess—when in Rome, y’know? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
You reminded me of a line from earlier where they’re at that garden party. And—Alyssa Milano for some reason is give—is delivering gum and a cannoli to the dad. So that he can say the line—leave the gum, take the cannoli. Whomp whomp whommmp! Godfather. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
That’s what that’s from! [Laughs.] Okay!
dan
									
Gobsmacked. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Okay! So, uh… you know—
elliott
									
Wait, but what happens—they’re so—what happens? There’s—their in—they’re having so much fun with the novelty t-shirts and the food. What happens, Stu?
stuart
									
The only option, of course, is to blow up more vegetables on an old man’s stoop. [Elliott and Dan laugh.] Uh, but they make it up to him by leaving him a nicely-appointed basket filled with Italian treats! Um, I know I shouldn’t have said Italian. It kinda goes without saying. Everybody kinda knew was was going to— [Elliott and Dan laugh.] So, uh, so instead they go back to Leo’s place to change shirts and she’s like—makes some kind of a comment and he’s like, [deep, dumb voice] hey, it’s getting harder by the minute! [Regular voice] ‘Cause he—y’know, it’s talking about his wiener. It’s very horny. And of course then they, uh… then they, y’know, finally hook up. The moment we’ve been waiting for. Meanwhile… grandma and grandpa have also hooked up and they’ve also gotten married. Uh—
elliott
									
No, engaged.
stuart
									
Engaged. Oh, engaged. Yeah. Sure. So they—so this is the moment where you’re like—is this what happens when somebody decides to write entire romantic comedy around a step-sibling porno? [Laughs.]
dan
									
Oh, yeah. [Elliott laughs.] Hey— [Laughs.] Oh. I did not even think of that.
elliott
									
I didn’t either but it makes—they’re—‘cause the scene between the two of them—where—with—between Leo and—and Nikki—he’s like, ah, my shirt’s all wet! I’ll throw it in the dryer! She’s like, yeah, mine too! And takes her shirt off. And it’s like—he just doesn’t seem to get the message? And it makes more sense if there’s a taboo being broken of some kind? ‘Cause she’s like—uh, I’ll take my pants off, too. [Laughs.] And he’s like—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. And he’s like—he’s like— Elliott: Okay! Alright—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] A Jedi can’t get married, y’know? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Now, did—do the grandparents have sex at this point or is that later?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I thought they were like rolling around— Elliott: Yes.
stuart
									
—in a bed—like—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —they [inaudible] sex, but— Dan:  Bed full of flowers? Elliott: They’re in a hotel bed.
stuart
									
—I thought they were like, rolling around in the bed.
dan
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: No, no. They’re in a hotel— Dan: Well, and Danny L—Danny Aiello— Stuart: Well, I’m like—[inaudible]—
dan
									
—apparently, uh, at his age, is able to get it up twice, uh, to have—
elliott
									
They—they have just had sex and then they are initiating the second round when we leave the scene. And she says to him the immortal line: “Take off your top this time.” Because like an old man, he wore his shirt the entire time— [Dan laughs.] —they had sex [though laughter] the first time.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. It was—what it—his sports shirt? What does Matt Barry call it in [though laughter]—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Through laughter] Yeah! Sport shirt! Stuart: [Through laughter] —the [inaudible].
stuart
									
Sports vest or something? Whatever. It’s hilarious. Uh—so of course, uh, at this point we need to—we need to put a little bit of fire under our characters. Uh, Jane Seymour—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Once again—playing a character— Elliott: Like a good pizza oven!
stuart
									
Yup. She, uh—she—she calls to—she FaceTimes Nikki to pressure her. She’s like—she realizes she sees that Nikki has, uh… like… sex hair? And she’s like—is there a penis more pressing than my menu? And that’s, uh, y’know—it’s a great line. Uh— [Elliott laughs.] —Leo shows up and she pushes him away. She’s like, this can’t work. She needs—but once again, she doesn’t address why it can’t work—she just try—she creates a fight. She creates a problem between the two of them. Uh, she—we also now learn the secret to Nona’s sauce. What’s that secret, Dan?
dan
									
Uh, you put a couple anchovies in there—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Put a couple o’ anchovies in there. Dan:  —and then you fish—then you fish ‘em out later.
dan
									
I don’t—I don’t know why you gotta fish ‘em out. Just cut those anchovies real small. They’ll pretty much dissolve in the sauce, but uh—
crosstalk
									
Dan:  I guess you just— Elliott: Okay! Tell Nona how to do it, Dan!
elliott
									
She’s been doing this sauce for decades.
crosstalk
									
Dan:  That’s true. Elliott: No, you come in—
elliott
									
—not even Italian— [Stuart laughs.] —and tell her how to do it right. How dare you! How much privilege do you have, Dan?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh, Dan’s read The Food Lab, Elliott! Dan:  I guess— [Laughs.] Elliott: You just walk in— [Laughs.]
stuart
									
He knows a thing or two!
dan
									
Yeah. I’m Kenji López-Alt. No, I—I—I mean, like—maybe she just wants a touch of anchovy flavor? But then just use—y’know, one anchovy! Chop it up good— [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
Dan! Again! [Stuart laughs.] Wow! This is—you just walking into her culture and telling her how to do it better. Like, this is crazy.
stuart
									
Yeah! He’s like—“Feast of seven fishes? How about just five?” [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Who needs so many fishes? You know what? I—I spent a week in Italy once. I guess I’ll open an Italian restaurant and put my—my swing on things. Come on. This is the way to do it. And it’s—what would you call your Italian restaurant, Dan?
dan
									
Uh—-
elliott
									
Like, Dan Moreno’s? [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Sure. Let’s go with that.
stuart
									
It sounds more like a steakhouse in Florida, but— [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] Speaking of bad names for things, uh… I— [Laughs.] Hayden Christensen—Leo—uh, talks about his dream of opening a, uh, pizzeria with fancy, all-natural, organic ingredients. And his name is: “Pizza Organica.” And I gotta say? Terrible name! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
It’s not a—does not roll off the tongue. It does tell you what they have there, which is pizza with human organs on it. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
And harmonicas! [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
And [though laughter] harmonicas!
stuart
									
So, uh—at this point, uh, at this point, uh… grandma and grandpa are trying to finally break the news to their families. So they organize a—a—a joint dinner. Where they—
elliott
									
A surprise joint dinner. I thought—
stuart
									
A surprise joint dinner. And once again, this is where the horniness bleeds into reality. Where they have decided to go to an—uh, an Indian restaurant they found on Yelp called “Korma Sutra: Sensual Indian Cuisine.” They, of course, uh, the one family arrives. As they arrive, the other family is also arrivingly—arriving seemingly from another entrance. [Dan laughs.] I’m surprised they didn’t make some kind of, like, weird back door, like, sex joke.
dan
									
I also wanted to say, uh, that—the Italian fathers are completely baffled by the idea that you would want to eat another cuisine. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] They’re like—Indian food?! Why are we going here?! [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
I would love to see if they’re like, uh, naan I guess is like a pizza crust. Uh, let’s see—what kind of toppings we put on that? Like, they’re trying to reverse-engineer a pizza out of Indian food? [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Oh, that would’ve been great. Um—so of course, uh… they—y’know. They’re—no—both families are a little bit, uh, both fathers, I guess, are irritated by the news. Uh, and they realize—the only—the only option at this point is to have another pizza contest. So one of the families will have to move away? [Dan laughs.] It’s kinda crazy.
elliott
									
Yeah. Whoever—whoever loses the contest will move away. And the dads won’t compete. No, no, no! The heirs to the pizza thrones will compete. Right?
dan
									
Yeah. ‘Cause they’ve been banned from the competition. Specifically.
stuart
									
They’ve been banned for life.
elliott
									
Oh, that—oh, I see. I missed that, that the dads were banned.
stuart
									
Um, so of course—uh—Leo and Nicky are going to have to compete. And they get in a fight. Uh, Leo makes some weird jokes like—uh, well first Nicky says—I’m a chef. I don’t do pizza. Which is [though laughter] a weird thing to say. Uh—
elliott
									
I mean, it’s a—it would make sense if she said it in 1953.
stuart
									
Yeah. And then—and then Leo, of course, is like—you did pizza last night! And we’re like, whoa, dude! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
No, no, she—he’s like—she’s talking about how he’s like—I always let you win at everything. And she goes—no. You didn’t let me win! I let you—uh—I let you win. Or something. And he’s like—oh, like you let me win last night? And they all go—Aoohhhhh!
stuart
									
Yep. And she slaps his face and we’re like, yeah! He deserved that.
elliott
									
Stuart: That was a pretty shitty thing to say. And then— Elliott: Although—especially—
elliott
									
—in front of her family? Although I wish they had done it your way, where he goes—we made [though laughter] pizza last night! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Stuart: We made some delicious pizza! Dan:  We made sweet pizza! [Laughs.] [All laugh.]
elliott
									
You had—you had a—you had a heaping helping of hot sausage pizza last night!
stuart
									
Oh, wow. [Clears throat.]
dan
									
Oh, boy. [Only Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Dan! I’m sorry. The movie is getting into me. Sorry.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
dan
									
So, uh—of course the only option is for us to have a pizza contest at the, uh, at the festival. The festival—I don’t know if you’ve ever been to, like, the 18th Avenue Feast or the Feast of San Gennaro? It’s like that.
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. And—and there’s a—there’s a princess—there’s a—there’s a girl who’s—wants to go to the festival. Right, Dan? And she sings a song about how—how she wants to go to the festival so she has to go into the woods.
dan
									
Yeah. And a [singing] ball! [Regular voice] That’s—I can’t remember the rest.
stuart
									
Okay. [Elliott laughs.] Uh—so the—the hosts are these two, uh, garishly-dressed, uh, characters in, uh—blindingly-colored suits. Um, and there’s also some bikini-clad men and women who are going to be announcers, like, what—Mr. and Mrs. Italian Festival? [Dan laughs.] Um—
elliott
									
I guess Mr. and Mrs. Italian—Italy bikini. And this is after, uh, Luigi has revealed to Leo—I know I’m not Italian, but when I was thrown out of my house for being gay, the Italians accepted me. Which raises even more questions about, uh, what—I guess Toronto Italians are a lot more open-minded than, uh, the New Jersey Italians I grew up around. But then we know he’s gay because he is leering at the Mr. Bikini—like, they just keep cutting to him going [makes noise that one might make if oogling were a noise]. [Dan laughs.] Like, whenever they show these guys. [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. Yeah. His eyeballs are popping out. Uh, he’s wearing sunglasses and they shatter. [Elliott laughs.] Um—
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah!
stuart
									
And like yeah! So—before this, you know, they both our—both our leads have their, y’know, their moments where they like talk to Nona and Nona’s like, ah, being with a man is so great! Uh, and— [Elliott laughs.] —so they—they’re competing. Uh, they manage to make it to the final round. It’s our—it’s our two hero pizzas battling each other. And there’s a moment where Nicky clearly has the opportunity—and the motive—so she swaps sauces. So that Leo makes his pizza with his family’s dough, and her famous sauce.
dan
									
And—and I will—gotta say, like—before this happened? I was joking—like, they were like walking up with the pizzas and I was joking about like, oh, it would be hilarious if like it was like Reese’s, uh, Pieces commercial? And they like, bumped into each other and got, like— [Elliott laughs.] —their pizza all over each other’s pizza? Which came—made the perfect pizza? And that’s kinda what happens in the movie!
stuart
									
It’s kinda what happens in the movie.
elliott
									
Stuart: So they then— Elliott: I mean, it’s sa little more deliberate than that. But yeah. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
So they make their pizzas and throw them directly into, uh, ovens that are clearly not on. [Laughs.] [All laugh.] Like, there is no lights. There is no way these—these pizza ovens are working. Uh, I mean it’s tough! Who brings a giant pizza oven out into the street? Um—
elliott
									
I mean, for a street festival, all the time!
stuart
									
Oh, uh… I guess… I guess you’re right. I just thought the food magically appeared or like— [Dan laughs.] —or maybe, like, a dragon breathed fire on them. [Laughs.] Uh, but—
elliott
									
Stuart: —I’m thinking probably of Renaissance festival. Elliott: I mean, that’s the way they do it in—that’s the way they do it in Italy. Yeah. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Um—so of course, uh… Leo wins the contest. And even before he can accept his trophy, uh, Nicky has already jumped in a cab to head to the airport.
dan
									
[Through laughter] She has her luggage right next to the stage! [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
I would be so fucking stressed out if I’m like—yeah, so, let’s time this out. I’m gonna pack my bags. Okay. I’m gonna compete in a pizza festival— [Elliott and Dan laugh.] —I’m sure that that’s going to go exactly on time. It’s not gonna go long. And then if I—oh! Um—even before the festival’s done, I’ll just—a festival that I guess I’m going to—it felt like she hadn’t already decided she was going to lose? Like, it felt like she decided she was going to throw the contest at the last moment? So it is weird that she, like, did—that she—baked in that extra time. Um, so she—she just jumps in the cab—
elliott
									
Stuart: She’s already leaving. Elliott: Speaking—wait—on top of that, Stuart—
elliott
									
We have never seen her putting together her menu to submit. Right? So is she just gonna cram it on the plane on the way over? That’s crazy!
stuart
									
Yeah! She’s just gonna sit in—in her seat on the plane and look around the plane and think of things. [All laugh.] She’s like—“Plane. Plane. Plain… pizza! Write it down!” [All laugh.]
elliott
									
She’s—Jane Seymour’s looking at the menu and she’s like, uh, there’s so many different dishes that are based around small packages of nuts. [All laugh.] Is that—that’s the theme you’re going for?
dan
									
These sort of ginger cookies. Uh— [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
A lot of biscotti! [All laugh.] [Through laughter] Dishes here! [Laughs.] Or not biscotti. Biscoff. Sorry. It’s called biscoff.
stuart
									
So of course, uh… so of course we rush to the airport. Leo wants to try and win Nicky. Nicky back.
elliott
									
Wait—hold on. Wait. Guys? I wanna see that movie so badly now where she is—she’s just raided the snack basket on the plane and is mixing it— [Dan laughs.] —she’s like, uh, I gotta figure out how to do—how to do a—a—a fancy-casual meal—[makes noises of desperation]—out of Popcorners and Cheez-Its. Hold on! How do I [though laughter] do this?
dan
									
[Through laughter] How do I work these Terra chips into it? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh—she’s like, “flotation device…” [All laugh.]
dan
									
Dan: [Inaudible] up flotation device! Stuart: Flotation—
stuart
									
“Pillowy. Gnocchi. Gnocchi!” [Dan laughs.] Um, so—
elliott
									
She’s like—for the first—for the first course? Uh, it is a single Terra chip floating in a plastic cup of Pepsi-Cola. [All laugh.] Now the—the salt in the chip really brings out the— [Stuart laughs.] —sugar in the— [though laughter] In the—in the soda? It’s a combination of salty and sweet. [Laughs.] And Jane Seymour’s like—alright. I’ll—I’ll see how far this goes. [All laugh.] What’s the next course? Okay.
elliott
									
Elliott: Next course. Stuart: She’s like, I’ve got—
stuart
									
I’ve got time to kill! Let’s do this! [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Okay. Now—next, uh, we have, uh, this is a, uh—this is a—it’s a—it’s a baked item. It’s made of a crust of mashed Cheez-It and—and Biscoff cookie. And it’s served on a—on an in-flight magazine? Alright. [Dan laughs.] Okay.
dan
									
You see, these are some deconstructed pretzels in a barf bag— [Elliott laughs.] Okay. These are desconstructed just ‘cause you crumbled them? Yes. That’s, uh… that’s what I mean. Um… so, go on, Stuart. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh. Uh—uh… okay. So—
dan
									
They’re at the airport.
stuart
									
This is, uh… this is a do—
elliott
									
So it’s—Leo realizes—oh, oh! At this—the contest was fixed!
stuart
									
Yeah. So wait—wait—no. We’re still doing this bit. So like— [Elliott laughs.] —this is a duo of little salamis ‘cause I paid extra for the snack bag? Right? Where like—I—one of ‘em is on—one of ‘em is cooked and one of ‘em’s not cooked.
elliott
									
Stuart: That’s how it’s a duo, right? Elliott: [Through laughter] It’s like—here’s— Dan:  Smeared some hummus on ‘em. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Stuart: Okay, so I’m playing, too. Do—I—I— Elliott: [Through laughter] It’s a—it says—it’s a—
elliott
									
It’s a duo of dry salami slices and a tiny packet of, like, liquidy cheese but not fully liquid cheese?
stuart
									
Mmmmm.
elliott
									
Alright. Okay.
stuart
									
Okay. So technically, we all contributed to that bit. So— [All laugh.] So I get partial credit.
elliott
									
Stuart: So when you guys sell it— Elliott: Yeah. But yeah, so when—
stuart
									
—for a million dollars. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah, Stuart. Now you own a part of it. The ASCAP will register that.
stuart
									
Stuart: Cool. Thank you. Elliott: Yeah, sure.
stuart
									
Okay. So yeah. They—they rush to the airport. Uh, she—Nicky is going through the security line and she is behaving like a person who has never fucking flown in her life— [Elliott laughs.] —cause she’s like, oh! I can’t take my keys? Okay! I guess I’ll go back through! What? My watch?! I guess my watch is too metal-y! [Dan laughs.] Oh, the bracelets? Bracelets is different than a watch? Okay! I’ll go back! [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
She—she has a—she has a medal around her neck that her Nona gave her that’s—I forget what saint it is. But it’s a saint that looks over wayward children. And she’s looking at it like—I have to take this off, too? It’s like yeah, dude! I—like—of course you do! Like, how did you get here from London? I don’t understand! Did you stow away— [Dan laughs.] —in a pet carrier?
elliott
									
Elliott: Like, what happened? [Laughs.] Stuart: Yeah. Like she—
stuart
									
Like she’s a ghost that’s trapped whose spirit is trapped inside an amulet. [Elliott laughs.] And she’s like, if I remove this my body will turn into a husk! [Dan laughs.] That’s on you!
dan
									
My head will fall off! [All laugh.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah! Oh, man. I love that joke. Um—
elliott
									
But that buys—but that buys time for who to get to the airport?
stuart
									
Yeah. I think she kinda did it on purpose. Right? She was like—I think—I think the way this is going [though laughter] I gotta give him a little bit of time. ‘Cause he’s riding a fucking scooter to the airport. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
If it’s anything like what happens to me, she did it because I was right behind her with my wife and two children. One of whom was a crying baby and the other whom is a kid—is a boy who does not wanna let go of his scooter, even though I have to disassemble it to put it through the machine. And he’s just telling me how hungry he is. And she is taking up as much time as possible to keep me in that situation as long as she possibly can. So I can’t get to the other side where I can get my shit together and like get food for my children. Because that’s what happens every time—
elliott
									
Elliott: —I go to the airport. Stuart: Yeah—
stuart
									
‘Cause famously the bad travelers are not the people traveling with a bunch of kids. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Uh—
elliott
									
Stuart: Famously, people are excited to see them. [Laughs.] Dan:  Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn, burn, burn! [Laughs.] Stuart: Okay, so— Elliott: From my point of view—
elliott
									
From my point of view, this is a real Rashomon we got here, Stuart.
stuart
									
Yeah! From my point of view, it’s the Jedi that are evil. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
It’s—I like the—I like the pleasing, mellifluous sound of a child’s—child’s shrill scream inside of a confined space with bad air pressure! Sure! [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh, so of course—uh… you know… [Elliott laughs.] Leo gets there in time. He runs up some stairs that are placed kinda interestingly. It’s weird that they would have stairs that close to the security line. Uh, ‘cause I feel like people could like—like jump over them and get through security, like, parkour-style. But whatever. I’m not—
elliott
									
Stuart: I don’t design airports. Elliott: It’s actually—
elliott
									
It’s actually very similar to the way that LAX is laid out. In some of its terminals. Which is weird. But—but you’re right. It is—it is weird that there seems to be a staircase that goes to the gates that just goes over the security line. Yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah. It seems like a—why isn’t everyone just going over this? Um— [Elliott laughs.] —maybe that just takes them to an Auntie Anne’s Pretzels or something. They have those in airports, right, Dan?
dan
									
Sure. Why not.
elliott
									
Stuart: So, uh… y’know, the whole family shows up— Elliott: I mean, it’s Canada so it’s probably a Tim Horton’s.
stuart
									
Yup. So the—the whole family shows up. Uh, Leo pours out his heart like so much pizza sauce. And uh— [Elliott laughs.] Nicky—y’know, Nicky mulls it over. The—
elliott
									
Stuart: There is a, uh— Elliott: Like so much wine.
stuart
									
There is a star-making performance from a security guard who says, uh, “Girl, uh, go to London. Don’t change your plans for no man.”
elliott
									
Stuart: That was great. Yeah. She was good. Dan:  Yeah, she immediately became my favorite character at that point. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
‘Cause I’m like—yeah, man! Don’t throw away your career just for this! You can figure [though laughter] something out! Like—
stuart
									
We’re also introduced to another security agent who is… uh… is—is played by a gay man who keeps taking, uh, selfies? Uh—it’s only important because he shows up later as Luigi’s date at the wedding. Um—so eventually, y’know, she makes everyone believe, like, she—she goes through the security line and you’re like, oh, she gave up on him. But nope! She had to get her bags. She’s decided to stay. And, uh, everybody’s happy! And there’s a wedding and everybody is coupled off. And uh—
dan
									
Yeah. Everyone’s paired off like it’s a Shakespeare comedy.
elliott
									
Elliott: Mm-hm. Stuart: Yeah.
elliott
									
And they, uh—the dads explain why their feud even happened in the first place.
dan
									
Oh, yeah. It was an argument over which parent to name the pizza parlor over and both of the parents are like, we don’t want a fucking pizza parlor named after us! Come on!
stuart
									
Yeah. They—they don’t wanna be named after pizza. Which is—once again—it’s all tied in with communication, guys. If Nicky had told everybody that she was only going to be there briefly, they coulda—y’know—they coulda dealt with this. But it was—y’know. They wouldn’t have all had to rush to the airport.
elliott
									
I mean, to be fair—if they—they—their argument escalated from “I want this pizza named after my grandma”—“No, I want—or after my mom.” “No, I want it named after my dad.” To the point where they were throwing food at each other? I think there were bigger issues—
elliott
									
Elliott: —underlying this—this argument. Dan:  Oh, yeah. Also, the flashback— Stuart: Oh, yeah! It’s like Marriage Story.
dan
									
—to them fighting at the pizza, uh, contest was pretty funny. Because it turns into like an old vaudeville [though laughter] like, routine. Like, they’re like throwing pizza at each other. Like, sauce at each other; dough at each other’s. It’s—it’s, uh, it’s pretty funny. And also—
stuart
									
I am glad that you specified old vaudeville. ‘Cause if it was more of a new vaudeville— [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Vaudeville is back, guys!
dan
									
Y’know…
elliott
									
It’s called TikTok!
dan
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.] But also, uh, I wanna say, too—Jane Seymour comes over and she is quite taken with the pizza that they have made together for the wedding and talks to them about franchising opportunities abroad. So everyone—everyone gets what they want.
stuart
									
Everyone gets what they want.
elliott
									
‘Cause apparently Nicky’s grandma invited Nicky’s old boss to her wedding?
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean, I feel like they’d made a connection.
elliott
									
Dan:  All’s well that ends well. Stuart: Like, she specified that—
stuart
									
—like, she was her best student?
elliott
									
I guess—oh, sure. I guess—what—and also she’s like—so Nicky was in competition with this guy—what—Garth? And uh—or—Gareth? And, uh, she’s like—ugh. Gareth’s food went through a reviewer so fast that we had to shut down within weeks! And it’s like—guys, come on. This Gareth guy? We barely met him. There’s no reason to say that he’s like—
elliott
									
Elliott: —poisoning people. Like, come on! [Laughs.] Stuart: Yeah, don’t— [Laughs.] Yeah. Don’t malign him! Dan:  Also, that—
dan
									
I mean, just that seems to be also a—an issue maybe with, like… food sanitation and prep more than, like, his menu?
elliott
									
I mean, which would still be on him ‘cause he’s the executive chef at the restaurant, right?
elliott
									
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dan:  Sure, sure.
stuart
									
He made—he made— [Laughs.] He made a sauce out of Windex or something. [All laugh.] Uh, so—
elliott
									
And even the—even the—even the, uh, Indian employees have now paired up and are—
stuart
									
Yeah. Yeah. There’s a moment where Jogi is—they, uh, our—our—our leads are dancing with their respective, uh, y’know, their respective Indian coworkers and then trick them into dancing with each other. And there’s a moment where Jogi sees Jessie in her sari and he’s like—he says—holy cow! [Laughs.] Which earlier in the movie they’d addressed that, uh, he addressed that cows are sacred in India—
elliott
									
Stuart: So that’s a big deal. But like—fuck you. [Laughs.] Dan:  Oh, I get it. It’s a joke about… [Elliott laughs.] Elliott: Nice.
dan
									
Go on.
elliott
									
And then everyone’s happy and then it’s just bloopapalooza, right?
dan
									
Yeah. There’s a bunch of bloops. Well, I mean, it’s—a lot of this movie seems to have been improvised? ‘Cause they’ve got a bunch of—sort of—alternate takes of jokes? And—
dan
									
Stuart: Uh—I would say that— Elliott: I dunno. Dan, the movie seems pretty tightly crafted.
dan
									
I would say that most of the time they chose the wrong joke to put in the movie! [Laughs.] ‘Cause I laughed harder at [though laughter] most of the bloops—
dan
									
Dan:  —than I did at that.. Stuart: Yeah! Certainly all of— Elliott:  Yeah.
stuart
									
All of Luigi’s jokes where they’re making a joke about him touching Hayden Christensen’s butt. All of his takes were funnier than the one they put in the movie.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
I kinda feel like this is the kind of movie where—and the—y’know. The person who—the people who made this movie, they’ve made other movies. They’re not newbies; this is not a, uh, uh… a, uh… a Neil Breen scenario? These are all professionals? But—
stuart
									
There is a—there is a stink of professionalism on this movie.
elliott
									
Yes. But I kinda wonder if there were takes where they were like, that’s hilarious! We’ll save that for the bloopers.
stuart
									
Oh, yeah.
elliott
									
Like, that’s—that’s too funny to put in the movie. That should be in the bloopers.
stuart
									
Yeah, you want people laughing on the way out of the theater, y’know?
elliott
									
Mm-hm. Laughing? And maybe hungry! ‘Cause—did you guys really want pizza afterwards? ‘Cause I didn’t.
stuart
									
Oh. No.
elliott
									
Dan:  Okay. Stuart: So— Elliott: I was like—
elliott
									
Maybe I’ll never eat a pizza again. ‘Cause all I could think about was how much trouble it causes people emotionally. The people who make the pizzas.
dan
									
Uh, guys—let’s do final judgments. Whether this is a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie you kinda liked. Stuart, what do you—what do you wanna say about this?
stuart
									
Yeah, I mean—some of the troubling, uh, stereotypes aside, uh… I thought this was kind of a good-bad movie! I had a good time. Uh, it—uh, my wife and I had a great time watching and laughing at it and uh, but yeah. You know. Whatever. It was fun.
dan
									
Uh, I—y’know, I watched this, uh, with Audrey who is a—y’know, a great fan of, uh, dumb romantic comedies. And she was onboard from the beginning. I kinda thought it was sort of generic and boring for a lot of it, and then like… I dunno. Like, the last thirty minutes kinda won me over for some reason? And I’m not really sure what changed—whether I just had Stockholm Syndrome or whether the energy picked up? But uh… I don’t know. It—It exists outside the categories for me. I’d say if you’re into this kind of thing you might have fun watching it.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Uh, I would say, yeah—it’s a… if you wanna watch a—it—it does feel super generic. But that’s kinda what made it a good-bad movie for me? Is that there were certain points where I was like—how generic can a movie feel? And still be a movie that has characters with names? And this gets pretty close to it. If you wanna see a—a super good-bad movie romantic comedy, I’d recommend Down To You, with Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Julia Stiles. But if you want to watch one where the joke is like—how much—how little movie could they put in a movie? Like, how much could it just be the template for a romantic comedy? I’d say go with this one! ‘Cause I think—I found that funny about it. Where it was like—what’s the hook? Everybody’s Italian. Okay. Do we need anything else in the movie? Nah, that’s pretty much enough. That’s okay.
dan
									
Yeah. And there’s barely any conflicts. Like, they coulda made way more of the—sort of—like, Romeo and Juliet feuding families thing. But like—everyone in the families except the fathers [though laughter] are totally cool with one another?
elliott
									
Well, it’s so funny that like—it—
stuart
									
Even more than that, in some cases!
elliott
									
Yeah. It turns out everyone else is fine. But also, like, uh… there are times when, uh, they’re having a great time, Leo and Nicky. And they’re—really seem meant for each other. And Nicky will just be like—no, no. I have to leave. Because it’s the part of the movie where we’re not supposed to be together yet. So I gotta go now. And it’s like, oh, okay. I guess she knows she’s in a movie and they’re not supposed to do it until later.
stuart
									
And I feel like the… a lot of the supporting cast are at least up for it. Y’know? Like—Andrea Martin. Uh… Jane Seymour. Y’know, all those guys. Alyssa Milano. Danny Ielo.
elliott
									
Stuart: Should I name some more people? [Laughs.] Elliott: So we all agree.
elliott
									
All agree:  good-bad movie. With Dan saying he liked it the most. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. He says it exists outside—more of a documentary. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
promo
									
Moujan Zolfaghari: Hey everyone, Moujan Zolfaghari here with the cast of Mission to Zyxx! The Cast: [Speaking out of sync and staggered.] Hello! Moujan: Our fourth season premiers on February 19th, and for those of you who aren’t familiar with the show, we decided to ask one of our characters to give you a quick recap of what’s happened so far. [Distant cheering.] Moujan: So, say hi, C-53! C-53: [Voice distorted electronically.] Hello. How may I be of service? Moujan: C, can you tell us what’s happening in the Zyxx quadrant, leading up to season 4? C-53: [Pleasantly.] Certainly. The evil Nermut Bundaloy—not to be confused with the nonevil Nermut Bundaloy of no relation—murdered his fellow counselors and crowned himself emperor of the galaxy. With the help of myself and the rest of the crew of The Bargarean Jade, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter knocked the emperor and an ancient, cosmic entity known as Beano into a chasm aboard the gigantic Planet Crusher Crusher—a machine built to crush Planet Crushers, which in turn were designed to crush planets. The resulting implosion created a vast celestial object with unknown powers. We’re currently in search of our former rebel commander, Seesu Gundu, who may yet reunite our fractured galaxy. Is that sufficient? Moujan: Yeah! All clear to me! Mission to Zyxx Season 4 debuts on February 19th, on Maximum Fun. [Music ends with a triumphant chorus of trumpets.]
promo
									
[A quick, energetic drumroll.] Music: Exciting techno music plays. Jarrett Hill: Hey, I’m Jarrett Hill, co-host of the brand-new Maximum Fun podcast, FANTI! Tre’vell Anderson: And Tre’vell Anderson. I’m the other, more fabulous, co-host, and the reason you really should be tuning in! Jarrett: I feel the nausea rising. Tre’vell: To be FANTI is to be a big fan of something, but also have some challenging or “anti” feelings toward it. Jarrett: Kind of like Kanye. Tre’vell: We’re all fans of Kanye. He’s a musical genius, but, like, you know… Jarrett: He thinks slavery’s a choice. Tre’vell: Or, like, The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Like, I love the drama, but do I wanna see black women fighting each other on screen? [Singing.] Hell, to the naaaaw. To the naw-naw-naaaw. Jarrett: We’re tackling all of those complex and complicated conversations about the people, places, and things that we love. Tre’vell: Even though they may not love us back. Jarrett: FANTI! Maximum Fun! Podcast! Tre’vell: Yeah! [Music fades out.]
dan
									
Guys, let’s, uh, take a word—a moment to do a word from our sponsor. Uh… our—one sponsor this week. Is Squarespace. Uh, Squarespace—you know by now. It’s a service that allows you to take your cool idea and turn it into a website. You can blog or publish content; sell products and service—services of all kinds. And, y’know, whatever your heart desires! Squarespace will do this by giving you beautiful, customizable templates created by world-class designers. With everything optimized for mobile right out of the box. A new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions. Free and secure hosting and more. Hey! Head to… Squarespace.com/flop for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code “FLOP” to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
elliott
									
Hey, uh, Dan! I had an idea for a website. And I was wondering if Squarespace could help me with it.
dan
									
Almost certainly.
elliott
									
Oh, okay. Thank you! Well, that’s all I had to say. [Long pause; then Stuart starts giggling.] [Laughs.] Oh, but Dan is getting up and leaving. So I guess— [Stuart laughs.] —I’ll talk longer!
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah! Yeah. He’s just—
elliott
									
So I had an idea for a website. So here’s the thing: everyone knows about Little Italies. They’re the parts of big cities where a lot of people of Italian descent are, and it’s like a little Italy. But I wanna find… the Italiest corner of Little Italy. So I have a new website. It’s called www.LittleItalyFinder.com, and we’re gonna find Little Little Italy. The corner of Little Italy that’s even more Italian than the rest of Little Italy. I call it: Little Little Italy. It might be the backroom of a restaurant; it might be a corner of a pork store. It might be—just, like… the shower in an old lady’s apartment! I don’t know. Uh, so it’s LittleLittleItalyFinder.com, and what it does is it—it relies really on user reports of how much Italy they find in a part of a Little Italy. And with—the one that gets the most ratings, that becomes the Little Little Italy, so it’s kinda like a Pokémon Go, also like competitive game aspect to it. ‘Cause people have to make their case—why is this the most Italian part of Little Italy? Why is this the Little Little Italy?
stuart
									
And kinda like Pokémon Go, it gets people out moving around and walking.
elliott
									
Oh, which is so needed these days. We spend so much of our life sitting down at work or at our computer or looking at our phones. Now we can walk around looking at our phones! Well we kinda—and I imagine eventually you’ll have so much data that you can use your phone like a—a ghost meter in Ghostbusters? Where you just wave it around and it picks up on the levels of Italian in Little Italy. Until you find Little Little Italy. So that’s LittleLittleItalyFinder.com. Your source for both finding and reporting on the most Italian parts.
dan
									
Uh, no other sponsors this week. Uh, if you want to, uh, get up on the Jumbotron you can go to MaximumFun.org/jumbotron. But let’s, uh, mention our live show! In—wait a minute! [Through laughter] Where is it?
elliott
									
Hold on! Oh no! Toronto in—on April 18th at 8 PM, we’re gonna be in Toronto! That’s right! The site of the movie Little Italy—
elliott
									
Elliott: —that we were just talking about! Stuart: And I think it’s—
stuart
									
I think the theatre is in Little Italy in Toronto. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Dan:  Nice. Stuart: Yeah. Elliott: Uh-oh!
elliott
									
Guys, forget I—forget what I said! It’s a great movie and I love it and everything about the neighborhood is great. Uh-oh! We’re in trouble! We’re gonna be at the Royal Cinema. It’s part of the What the Film! Festival. That’s April 18th at 8PM. We haven’t chosen the movie for it yet. It’s probably gonna be a… lesser-known, not-quite-as-big-budget movie as we usually do for live shows? But it’ll be fun.
dan
									
Elliott: Come on, guys. Dan:  And quite possibly—
dan
									
—Canadian from, uh, the choices we’ve been looking at so far. I also want to say if you go to FlopHousePodcast.com, there will be a link to where you buy tickets both on the show page for this episode and under “Events.” So it would be very hard for you not to find the link!
elliott
									
I mean, you’re probably there already. And that’s April 18th at 8PM in Toronto at the Royal Cinema as part of the What the Film! Festival. Go to FlopHousePodcast.com. Or FlopHousePodcast.com/events!
stuart
									
Cooolll.
dan
									
Uh, anything else? Or should we move on to letters?
elliott
									
Stuart: Let’s just—let’s— Elliott: Uh, oh! I’ll let you know—
elliott
									
—that, uh, by the time this episode comes out, it will be—I think a day until the release of the first episode of I, Podius. That’s right! The long-awaited Elliott Kalan/John Hodgman collaborative podcast, where together we watch and talk about the 1974 British miniseries—or 1976? I can’t remember. British miniseries I, Claudius, based on the novels by Robert Graves. Uh, it’s a—
stuart
									
Oh, I thought it was about going to the bathroom! [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
A lot of people think that. A lot—it’s “pod”—“P-O-D” and not “P-O-T-T-Y.”
stuart
									
Oh! ‘Cause you pronounce it like P-O-T-T-Y.
elliott
									
Sorry. I, Podius is the name of the show. It’s a 13-episode podcast miniseries. Uh, and I think it’s gonna be—come out really great. I’m excited about what I’ve heard of it so far and I think you, the listener, will like it a lot! From Maximum Fun. That’s right: I, Podius. February 17th. The first episode enters the world.
dan
									
Enjoy that from Elliott Kalan and a man who once threw a shoe at Elliott Kalan. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
I’ve uh—early reviews say that it’s too hot for TV. Is that true, Elliott?
elliott
									
Uh, I mean it’s both too hot for TV and also has no visual component. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh, okay. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Which makes it a difficult sale for TV.
elliott
									
Stuart and Dan: Yeah.
dan
									
Alright. So let’s—
dan
									
Dan:  —get into the letters. Stuart: You don’t think just watching—
stuart
									
—like, a blank screen would be— [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Let’s get in to letters and this one goes like this: “Hey, Flops! I just finished the Audible version of Dune and loved it! But when trying to get my partner into it, they turn me down.”
elliott
									
I have to assume it was read by Tom Brokaw. [Stuart and Dan laugh.] [Tom Brokaw impression] Chapter One: Paul Atreides… [Laughs.] Heir to the House of Atreides, put his hand in the Gom Jabbar. [Dan laughs. Stuart joins in.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Okay. So—
elliott
									
That’s the first—that’s the first line of Dune, right?
dan
									
Yeah. “When—when trying to get my partner into it, they turn me down. Often shuttering—"
elliott
									
Do—do you guys ever—wait, Dan. I hate—
elliott
									
Elliott: —to interrupt. Dan:  Oh, God.
elliott
									
Do you guys ever hear Tom Brokaw’s—
dan
									
Do you hate to interrupt?
elliott
									
Yes, I do. Uh, he read a—he read Moby Dick and it went like this: [Tom Brokaw impression] Chapter One: Call me… Paul Atreides. [All laugh.] [Regular voice] He just loves Dune! That guy loves Dune!
dan
									
I mean, there is like—before “Call me Ishmael,” there is that, uh, whole, like, forenote to the—does he read that?
elliott
									
Dan:  Or did he just start—oh, okay. Elliott: No, he doesn’t read that part. No, no. Stuart: Yeah, yeah.
stuart
									
There was that other part where he’s like: [Tom Brokaw impression] Like a hu—a hump like a shy Hallowed. [All laugh.]
dan
									
[Sighs deeply.] God. Uh—okay.
elliott
									
There’s also Tom Brokaw Reads the Bible: [Tom Brokaw impression] Genesis. Chapter one. [Stuart laughs.] In the beginning, there was Paul Atreides. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Okay. [Elliott laughs.] Uh—going back. So just skimming backwards a little bit: When trying to get my partner into it they turn me down, often shuddering at words like “Kwisatz Haderach”—
stuart
									
You pronounced it totally right. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Or “Lisan al Gaib.” [Laughs.]
elliott
									
I wanna hear Dan McCoy read Dune now. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Dan:  Well how do we— Stuart: Say “Sardaukar” now.
dan
									
How do we know how it’s pronounced? [Stuart laughs.] These are bullshit, made-up words.
dan
									
Dan: [Through laughter] I could be pronouncing them perfectly right. Elliott: Dan, all words were made up at some point.
elliott
									
You—you’re not, though. [Dan laughs.] Yeah, it—I think—
elliott
									
Elliott: You have to imagine the characters— Dan:  Who—
elliott
									
—from Dune as they say them—
elliott
									
Elliott: Are stumbling over them. Dan:  Who— [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Just trying to sound it out. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
How do we know what the canonical fucking—like… we don’t know! Frank Herbert isn’t wandering around—he didn’t do one of those YouTube things like “This is How You Pronounce This Goddamn Word.” Anyway.
elliott
									
I mean, one—we don’t know that. Two, his son’s alive. We could talk to him.
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah. I don’t… what—we think his son’s a fucking expert? [Elliott laughs.] We—we saw what Tolkien’s son did later on! Anyway.
stuart
									
Wow.
dan
									
Sorry to make you pronounce all that, Dan.
elliott
									
When—when—when Tolkien’s son put the word “Not!” at the end of the— [Stuart laughs.] —last book of The Lord of the Rings? [All laugh.]
dan
									
Okay. Anyway. “So do you guys have any suggestions for getting people psyched about Dune? Also, what are your expectations/anticipations for the upcoming movie? From First Name Withheld Atreides.”
stuart
									
Oh! [Laughs.] Uh, it’s probably Duke Leto. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Dan:  I’ll let you guys, uh— Elliott: [Through laughter] Yeah. It’s probably Duke Lido, yeah.
dan
									
I’ll let you guys field this one. ‘Cause I read Dune and I’m like—my reaction was, eh, this is fine. So… you guys are the Dune fanatics.
stuart
									
Well… uh—
dan
									
Stuart: I would say— Elliott: We’re called Dunesburys. Big Dune fans are called Dunesburys.
stuart
									
Um, I would say that part of the—uh—I feel like one of the closer, uh… like… I don’t know. It—Dune reminds me a lot of, uh, the Game of Thrones series? So if, uh, if—if your partner is a fan of the Song of Ice and Fire books, uh, or I guess the show? Uh, the—I feel like Dune has a—has—was clearly an influence on George R. R. Martin? And the way I was able to convince my partner to, uh, listen or—well—to—I always knew that I wanted Charlene to, uh, read those books but I knew there was no way she was just gonna sit down and read those books. [Through laughter] So—with, uh, with Song of Ice and Fire I read them out loud to her and it took, like, five years and I would get a couple pages and then she would fall asleep. But— [Elliott laughs.] —Uh, but she loves them and I got to do voices for all the characters. It was great. Um, and… uh, it also—uh, it also like—inspired her to listen to a lot more books on tape and now she listens to a ton of books on tape! So. That’s what I would suggest.
elliott
									
I was actually going to say something very similar, because I’ve—two strategies here. Number one: so my wife and I, we were on a trip once and I frequently—usually my wife and I have a book that I’m reading aloud to her in, y’know, in chunks or chapters. Uh, over time. And we had forgotten the one we brought with us and I was re-reading Dune at the time, so she was like, alright. Fine. Like, start reading that to me. Thinking she would also fall asleep. But she really got into the story, because the writing in Dune—in the first book, especially—is like, y’know. It’s—it’s wonderfully written. Like, it really pulls you into that world. Uh, so I think, like, set it up where you’re away from home. You forgot any other books. That’s the only book available. And read Dune! Or, here’s my second strategy: this may turn out to be one of those things that you like and your partner is just not that into. And that’s okay. It’s okay for you to not share everything with them. There’s plenty of things that my wife and I share an interest in; plenty of things we don’t share an interest in; and that’s totally okay. So like, I would say don’t spend too much of your life trying to push this on your partner. If they don’t want it? That’s totally cool. My expectations for the movie? I think it’s gonna look beautiful and I think it’s probably not gonna make that much sense, plot-wise. What do you think, Stuart?
stuart
									
Oh, I hope it’s, uh, I mean, based on the—the creative team, I’m guessing it’s going to be long? And, uh… like, contemplative? Uh, and there’s gonna be some sick-ass synths in the soundtrack? [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, I hope so!
dan
									
Yeah. I mean, all I have to say about this is: I just want to second what Elliott says. Um… y’know! If you want to get someone into something, you think they might like it? Say—I think you might like this! Give them the opportunity to partake in it; and if they’re not interested? Back off.
elliott
									
Stuart and Elliott: Yeah.
elliott
									
I mean—I mean, your partner’s life is not gonna be—probably not gonna be changed immeasurably by whether they read Dune or not? If it is changed immeasurably? Then that partner may not be the one you ultimately want to be with. Because like—do you suddenly want your whole life to be about Dune? I don’t know about that.
dan
									
Uh, this next letter is from Laurence, last name withheld. Who writes:
elliott
									
Laurence Fishburne.
dan
									
Wow. Uh, Laurence [though laughter] Fishburne writes: “’Sup, nerds? Recently I donated my kidney to a stranger. Right before the surgery, I watched the first half of Venom.” [Elliott laughs.] “Right after the surgery, I finished it off.”
elliott
									
So—I—what I—that takes such faith either that you are gonna make it through the surgery and finally find out what happens to Venom, or that you—you’re like, you know what? What’s a movie that I’m not gonna care if it ends or not in case I die during the surgery? Venom? Okay. Sure. Fine.
stuart
									
There’s also a feeling of, like—sometimes when you—when you sink your teeth into a really great story? You kinda don’t want it to end, y’know? Like—the feeling I had in-between the Peter Jackson films—Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and Lord of the Rings: Return of the King was so much more excitement and like… love of life in general? Than I felt after Return of the King. Which—I was just kinda sad, you know?
elliott
									
Mm-hm. Yeah. ‘Cause that—‘cause you had finished the quest?
stuart
									
I had finished the quest. I had—I had reached Mount Doom on my own. I didn’t need an eagle.
elliott
									
That’s kinda how I felt when I—I read One Fish and Two Fish and I saw that— [Stuart laughs.] —there were two more fish left on the cover, and I was like—I don’t know. I’m having such a good time! I don’t know if I want to see what the—I wanna not know what those fish are! But then I—I—tripped and I glanced down and I saw it said Red Fish, Blue Fish. And I was like—oh, I have no more fish to look forward to.
elliott
									
Stuart and Dan: Mm-hm.
dan
									
Uh—moving on back to the actual letter.
stuart
									
Okay.
dan
									
“Uh, a few weeks later I wondered what the ending of Venom was like when I wasn’t high on fentanyl. So I tried to rewatch it. I made it about ten minutes in before the enormity of what I had done hit me, and I started crying and had to turn it off. I wasn’t sad, exactly; I just didn’t know how to process the emotion that the movie provoked in me. So I have two questions. Number one, what absolutely terrible and stupid movies have your lives given you deep, strange emotional connections to? Number two, if you transplanted your organs into the bodies of strangers, what horrible urges and preferences would your parts force on the recipients? Yours in Floppiness, Laurence, last name withheld.”
dan
									
Um, I want to say—like, this isn’t a bad movie? In any way? Uh, I actually think it’s a pretty good movie, if a little standard? But I watched the, uh, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood. And… uh… a lot of people criticized that movie because it’s not so much about Mister Rogers? Mister Rogers is kind of a supporting character and it’s much more about the journalist talking to Mister Rogers? But I cried through so much of that movie. And…
elliott
									
But you were—you were at the—at Alamo Drafthouse’s Onion Night.
dan
									
Yes. I was. No, but I—like—I watched it with Audrey and she was like, this is fine. And I think that’s because she’s had to spend too much of her life dealing with… y’know… emotionally-stunted men? Whereas I responded to it deeply because I am an emotionally-stunted man. So I was like, okay, there’s this thing—there’s this movie about a man who’s learning how to deal with his emotions. Learning how to deal with them more healthily. Has a lot of, like, repressed anger that he needs to let go of and here’s this man showing him a different way, like, really, like… teaching him something important. And I found it way more moving than maybe, like… y’know, maybe a very simple story arguably deserves. Uh, but I just found, uh, a big connection to it. Because I’m like—oh. I wish a manic pixie dream Mister Rogers would come into my life, uh, and fix me.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
I mean, I don’t know if I would call him—say “manic.”
dan
									
I call him “pixie Mister Rogers.”
elliott
									
Like a placid pixie Mister Rogers?
dan
									
Mm-hm.
stuart
									
I, uh—yeah. I mean… my—my story is not, uh, is not as deeply rooted in emotion. But uh, I remember when I was in a pretty bad car accident in high school and, uh, my already-broken arm got re-broken. And I was, uh, bedridden for a little while. My—my mom went and rented some horror movies for me to watch ‘cause she’s a good fucking mom and she knows her son. Uh, and she rented— [Laughs.] Body Parts— [Dan laughs.] —starring Jeff Fahey! A story about a man who is in a horrible car accident [though laughter] and gets his arm torn off. [Elliott laughs.] Uh, so yeah. That was pretty great. Uh, and then, uh… and then—I mean, like, for a stupid movie that I have, uh, a stupid movie that’s arguably hateful and hurtful that I have a strong relationship with, uh, is a movie that I’ve just watched so many times as a kid and I’m sure it, uh, it stunted me emotionally. Uh—is Sixteen Candles? Uh, which, uh, I feel like I had to do many, many years of de-programming to [though laughter] get out of my system. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Elliott? What do you have to say?
elliott
									
Uh—I mean, I don’t have anything as, uh, as deep as either of those stories! I was just gonna say that, uh, when I was a kid, my sister’s favorite movie was Teen Wolf so we watched it a lot. And so Teen Wolf reminds me of like my very young childhood? In a way that, uh, not too many other movies do. So—and Teen Wolf is maybe the stupidest movie ever made. It’s so stupid.
stuart
									
It’s—it’s up there!
elliott
									
It’s up there. It’s incredibly dumb. Uh— [Dan laughs.] And—
dan
									
Just the idea that, like, oh, we’ve got this werewolf story. What should we do? Oh, let’s turn it into a basketball movie! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. It’s so—I mean, that’s—it’s so—that it’s—it’s a basketball movie that no one is every scared of a werewolf? And the message of the movie is kind of like—hey. Life’s a lot better when you’re a werewolf. Which is a crazy message for a movie! Uh, but anyway. It’s a very dumb movie but, uh, I have a sweet spot in my heart for it because I spent so much time with my sister watching it when we were little.
dan
									
Uh, and as for donating body parts—first I wanna say—y’know, uh, what a great thing for you to do. Uh—
elliott
									
Stuart: Yeah! Dan:  Thank—thank you. On behalf of the— Elliott: Yeah! I really admire that!
dan
									
Um, but uh—y’know. If any part of my body got transplanted into someone else—y’know, probably an insatiable lust for butts, I guess.
stuart
									
That’s right. If you donated your corneas.
dan
									
Yeah. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. It would only see butts. Yeah.
dan
									
Uh, you guys?
stuart
									
Oh, man. Uh… [Sighs.] Yeah. This is a hard one.
dan
									
Yeah. Sometimes I hold back the sillier question just to [though laughter] see what you guys will do.
elliott
									
Stuart: Oh, man. Elliott: I mean, the easy answer—
elliott
									
—for me is—like, a hunger for Popeye’s.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
But the harder answer would be—um… like a sort of, um… like… depressive self-loathing that no amount of—of, uh, career or family success can ever fully erase? So thank you for saving the silly question, Dan.
elliott
									
Stuart: Sure, yeah. Elliott: Not to give me any time to think about it.
stuart
									
Yeah. That’s like, uh—it’s like if I transplanted my, uh, my hair onto somebody they would be given this, like, sense of confidence.
dan
									
Mm-hm.
stuart
									
And uh— [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Dan: Power. Stuart: —like, a carefree attitude of—
stuart
									
Yeah! Power, I think. Like—like just raw… power. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Elliott: And a deep—a deep— Dan:  I mean, it’s pretty great hair.
elliott
									
And a deep need to own a jeweled Furby necklace. Right? [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Oh—certainly. That would be how I would win.
dan
									
Uh, that’s— [All laugh.] 
stuart
									
That’s a direct quote of the movie, right? [Laughs.]
dan
									
Let’s move on to… our—
dan
									
Dan:  —finals— Elliott: But you know what?
elliott
									
You know what that movie—I—there’s a version of Uncut Gems where the studio got to it and made a lot of changes and at the end Adam Sandler has his arms around his family and he goes—[Adam Sandler impersonation] I forgot you guys are the real uncut gems!

									
[Laughs.] Yeah, yeah, yeah. And instead of a Passover seder it’s a—like, a Christmas dinner. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Uh, let’s move on to our final segment, which is recommendations of movies that we liked that you might wanna see—I dunno—in addition to this movie if you decide to see—
dan
									
Dan:  —Little Italy. Stuart: Hell, yeah.
dan
									
But um—
elliott
									
[Singing] Hey, guys! It’s time for us to tell about some movies! A different kind of movie than the movie we were telling about before! These are movies that we like! Movies watching on a bike! Movies—maybe your name’s Mike! They’re movies that we like! Hey movies—we love you sometimes. But sometimes we don’t, and we talk about you on The Flop House. But then—there’s that last five-to-ten percent of the show where we talk about movies we like! That’s right! They’re movies we could watch all night! Oh yeah! Black and white! Or sometimes in color, too. Maybe in 3D for you—they’re movies that we like and we’re telling you to watch ‘em tonight!
stuart
									
[Pause.] Wow.
dan
									
Dan: [Incoherent grasping for words] Stuart: Yeah.
dan
									
Mixing up when the song comes in the—
dan
									
Elliott: Mm-hm. Just trying to keep you on your toes! [Laughs.] Stuart: Ends with a bang! Dan:  —episode and I gotta say—
dan
									
I don’t care for it. But um—
stuart
									
So Dan, you’re a big movie freak! What you got— [Elliott laughs.] —what do you got on the hot plate?
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Dan, you’re kinda the movie buff of the—of The Flop House! [Laughs.]
dan
									
Uh—I… yesterday—went and saw the, uh—I saw Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn. Uh, normally I might go for something smaller, but, uh, unfortunately this movie is not doing well at the box office so I wanna, y’know, throw what tiny, tiny weight I have behind it. Um…
elliott
									
Yes, Dan, we can see you lost weight.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
Thank you!
elliott
									
We get it. You have a tiny weight now.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Um, but uh—no. I—I think we were all pretty much in agreement that while Suicide Squad sucked, um, Margot Robbie was one of the bright points in it. And she does a really great job—
stuart
									
Basically, aside from all the jokes they made her say? She said ‘em with quite a bit of vim and vigor. But.
dan
									
Yeah, well—the—I mean, this is a much better [though laughter] version of—of that character and a better movie that she’s in.
stuart
									
She does say, Dan, she does say—"talk about a killer app!” after a guy’s head explodes. [All laugh.]
dan
									
There’s nothing that dumb in this movie. Uh—I think it’s a— [Sighs.] It’s a harder acting job than, like, it might seem at first? Because she has to be, like… very funny. She has to have this sort of outsized, cartoonish reactions to things? But she also brings a weird, human grounding to it? And she’s doing all those things at the same time? And she’s—the constant source of energy in that movie. I will say, it was sort of surprise to me—like, for a movie that’s—whose title starts out with “Birds of Prey”? It is definitely a Harley Quinn movie with special guests Birds of Prey. Um—but it’s, y’know, it’s fun. It’s candy-colored. Uh, Ewan McGregor’s very funny in it as the bad guy. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is terrific in it. I always like her. I wish there was more of her in the movie. And, uh—
stuart
									
How much—how much zazz is in it?
dan
									
There’s a lotta zazz.
stuart
									
Cool.
dan
									
Also, for a DC movie, the action is pretty comprehensible! And creative. And it’s all well-choreographed. So—
stuart
									
And it’s—and you said it’s bright, which is nice.
dan
									
Yeah! It’s a—like—a candy-colored movie. Directed by—and written by—a woman and produced by Margot Robbie, so, like, that’s nice. Uh, yeah! I mean, if you’re in the mood for a big, silly action movie—you could do a lot worse! Anyone else?
stuart
									
Well, it’s, uh, it’s award season. So— [Elliott laughs.] —Uh… of course I’ve been—
dan
									
Waiting to see where this is going. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Stuart: I’ve been, uh, it’s award se— Elliott: I mean, especially because we’re—
elliott
									
We’re recording this on the day of the Academy Awards.
elliott
									
Elliott: So by the time the episode comes out, award season will be over. [Laughs.] Stuart: We’re recording this on the day of the Academy Awards. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
So I’ve been catching up on—on movies, y’know, that are gonna be talked about in, uh, y’know, the current cultural zeitgeist. So of course, I’m gonna recommend a movie called Tammy and the T-Rex, the new R-rated cut. Uh, it’s available on Shutter. Uh, this features a very young Denise Richards and a very young Paul Walker, about a young teenager who, uh, gets his brain, uh, transplanted into a robot dinosaur’s body. I think it’s a robot? It’s tough. It’s tough to tell exactly what’s going on.
dan
									
Yeah. It’s an animatronic kinda thing.
stuart
									
Yeah. It’s, uh, it’s very gory. It’s very silly. Uh… it—when the movie begins, uh, you get a title card that calls the movie Tanny and the Teenaged T-Rex? Which is not the name of the movie— [Dan laughs.] —that I decided to watch. Uh—
dan
									
I love when that happens. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh—so, yeah. If you get a chance—it’s, like—and it’s directed by the director of Mac and Me, uh, and it’s—it’s—significantly more fun than that. Uh, it’s just such a goofy fucking movie.
dan
									
Oh, man.
stuart
									
If you’re looking for like a solid, good-ass, good-bad movie, I highly recommend it.
dan
									
I haven’t watched it yet? But I got an email from Shutter telling me—
dan
									
Dan:  —that it was available? [Through laughter] And I was— [Elliott laughs.] Stuart: [Laughs.] Yeah! It’s like—Dan, Dan, Dan! Drop what you’re doing, idiot!
dan
									
I was so fucking excited when I got that email. I’m like, yes! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
And you replied: Yessss!
dan
									
And it said “no reply.” The mailer demon.
elliott
									
The mailer—now there’s a mailer demon that’s haunting you.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. What do you got, Elliott?
elliott
									
So, uh, I have a—a—I have a recommendation that comes with a correction from my—our last full episode. Uh, we were talking about ‘80s movies and I mentioned Howards End. Howards End is a 1992 movie. And you know what movie I watched recently for the first time? Howards End. That’s right! I was on—I’ve never seen it before. It was on Netflix. I decided to throw it on, and it’s the kind of movie that—when I was younger, I was like, ugh. I don’t need to see one of these, like, slow costume dramas. But watching it, I was like—oh! This is a really good, entertaining movie. The movie moves at a fast clip. And it’s a movie that jumps time in unexpected ways so that you kinda have to keep up with it? Uh, and—yeah! It’s a costume drama, but there’s also some funny parts, and… the actors are amazing in it and I really liked it a lot! There’s one kind of—not action-y, but the—the closest thing the movie has to an action climax, the scene is not really put together that great. But otherwise, uh, I thought it was really good and I really liked it a lot! So I’m gonna recommend Howards End!
stuart
									
The, uh—
stuart
									
Stuart: If—if I was gonna watch it— Dan:  A lot of those—
stuart
									
—but I didn’t have a lot of time, would it be weird if I just fast-forward to the end? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
I mean, it would be because you wouldn’t know what was going on and— [Laughs.]
stuart
									
But I just want to see what the title means!
dan
									
Yeah. The Howard’s end.
elliott
									
I—no, no. But—you know it from the beginning. Howards End is the name of a house. [Dan laughs.] It’s—it’s the story of—
stuart
									
[With exaggerated surprise] What?!
elliott
									
—a, uh—it’s the story of a—a wealthy family that owns a country house called Howards End. Uh, and the relationship that pops up first between the mother of that family and a kind of, uh, what they would call at the time a New Woman? Y’know, this takes place at the beginning of the twentieth century. Uh—these—these two sisters, played by Emma Thompson and Helena Bonham Carter who are very, like, free-thinking and liberal. And the relationship that pops up first between Emma Thompson and the mother of that family, and then with the father of that family, played by Anthony Hopkins. And also Helena Bonham Carter’s increasing entanglement with a, uh, lower-class man who she wants to help but who increasingly does not deserve her help. Bum bum bum! But all the characters in it are, like, characters. There’s no, like—except for—actually, that’s not true. There’s, uh, Anthony Hopkin’s son in it is basically, uh, Eric Trump. But otherwise, they—there’s no, like, bad guys? They’re just people with, uh, y’know. Different conflicting emotions.
dan
									
I would like to say that a lot of the movies that these films inspired? Let’s call them… ‘90s Miramax movies? Uh, were like these sort of staid costume, like, middle-brow things that, uh, are not so great? But the Merchant Ivory movies are all pretty good. Like—
elliott
									
Yeah. I mean, they know—they’re—there are times in this where they’re working with—especially for a—a movie that is mostly a—a domestic movie. It’s like, there’s not a lot of spaceships. Y’know. They’re working with a wide frame in it and a big screen and they—the way they use that screen is beautiful. Like, they—it’s—the—the screenplay is great. The way that the movie looks amazing. And not just like, oh, the costumes look pretty! But, like, the way they use the frame is really fantastic. And the story had me hooked.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
So that’s my recommendation! Hook, starring Dustin Hoffman and Robin Williams.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Um—okay, guys. Well, let’s just end this thing, right?
stuart
									
And, uh—and Bob Hoskins is in that, too.
elliott
									
Uh… yes. Technically. But we don’t like to talk about him in our house.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Robert Hoskins. Uh—
elliott
									
We—yeah! [Through laughter] We—oh, you mean “Robert Hoskins”? I don’t know him well enough to call him “Bob.”
stuart
									
And, uh, and Julia Roberts is in it, too. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Barely. She has a very small role. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Juliert Roberts.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Oh, shit! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Emma Roberts’s aunt. So anyway. Um—
elliott
									
Oh, actually, and I wanna mention—uh—uh—also, Howard’s End is your chance to see Prunella Scales—uh, the wife from Faulty Towers in a rare—much—slightly more dramatic role!
dan
									
Oh, nice. Okay, guys. Um, hey! Hey, why don’t you listen to— [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Hey, what?
dan
									
Another Max Fun podcast.
stuart
									
Please do!
dan
									
Uh, from our network. There’s a new one out, uh, called FANTI? It’s about sort of, uh, things in pop culture that might be… a little problematic and having kind of a more nuanced conversation about them than maybe… one normally sees? Online? And, uh, I listened to some of it this morning. I didn’t have enough time to listen to it all but it’s very charming. The hosts are, uh, very good. And—
stuart
									
It’s about, like, problematic faves. Yeah?
dan
									
Well, I think that that simplifies it a little bit. I don’t know how they would like to define it. I just think it—y’know, if you have any interest in, y’know, a small—a smart cultural podcast, check it out. Um… and go to iTunes and review us. Uh, hopefully well. Yknow. Don’t—don’t go there to shit on us. Why—why do that?
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Don’t be like the woman who used Yelp to complain about my bar’s bartenders, because they wouldn’t let her friend bring in an outside drink. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Don’t do that. We’ll let you bring in an outside drink, though—
dan
									
Dan:  Here at The Flop House! Uh— Stuart: Yeah. Any time you want.
elliott
									
The Flop House—you can bring any drink into it. So yeah! Uh, listen to other Max Fun podcasts. Talk about us on iTunes. Uh, tweet about us! Instagram about us! Tell people about us! Write pigeon messages about us! If you have something good about us to say, just stuff it in a bottle, throw that bottle in the ocean, hopefully it’ll reach somebody someday. Uh, take our ashes and shoot ‘em into space so that aliens learn about The Flop House! [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Wait a minute.
stuart
									
Yep.
dan
									
When we’re dead, I hope!
elliott
									
Uh, no. Uh, we won’t be able to do the podcast after that. So now, while we’re doing it—while we’re alive. Uh, our—yeah. This show is, uh, edited by Jordan Kauwling. Uh, it is produced by—what, Dan McCoy?
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
dan
									
I’d say Dan and Jordan. Let’s—y’know. I’d say co-producers at this point.
elliott
									
Co-producers Dan McCoy and Jordan Cowling. And uh, stay tuned for more Flop House in the future!
dan
									
See ya! Byeeee!
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
elliott
									
[Singing] I don’t know the rest of the song! So I guess I’ll just repeat the thing that I said! [Regular voice] And I was like, mm, the Force is strong with this one.
stuart
									
Yup. Yup. You said that like Darth Vader said about, uh, about Luke Skywalker ‘cause you’re his dad. Right?
dan
									
Dan:  Uh— Elliott: Wait, what? Dan: [Through laughter] Okay. So— Stuart: You’re—you’re Sammy’s dad.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] I’m sorry to break this to you. [Elliott laughs.]
speaker 1
									
MaximumFun.org.
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
—Audience supported.
About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.
Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.