TRANSCRIPT One Bad Mother Bonus Episode: The First Ever Woo-tacular

We asked you to send in your woos and you delivered! So, this week on a special Labor Day One Bad Mother bonus episode we present the first ever woo-tacular! 

Podcast: One Bad Mother

Transcript

biz

Hi. I’m Biz.

theresa

And I’m Theresa.

biz

Due to the pandemic, we bring you One Bad Mother straight from our homes—including such interruptions as: children! Animal noises! And more! So let’s all get a little closer while we have to be so far apart. And remember—we are doing a good job.

music

“Summoning the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums. [Continues through dialogue.]

biz

This week on a special Labor Day bonus episode of One Bad Mother, we present the first-ever Woo-tacular! Woooo! Woo woo! Woo woo woo, woo woo! Woo woo wooo, woo woo woo wooo-ah!

music

[Dramatic, heavy, symphonic movie-style music begins to play in background.]

biz

[In dramatic movie announcer voice] For many years now we have celebrated our geniuses and fails. Be it the bookends of summer or the winter holidays, we have danced in the lights of the Genius Fail Spectaculars! When the pandemic came, we focused on our geniuses. And now—as uncertainty reigns and scheduling conflicts arise—we bring you a very special, bonus, Labor Day, back-to-school, “Holy shit we are living through a historic pandemic,” One Bad Mother Woo-tacular! [Sound of thunder crashing.]

biz

[Regular voice] Guys? [Singing] Everything’s crazy, but we love you! [Laughs.] [Regular voice] I know that Labor Day is usually a Genius Fail Spectacular. But given that everything is so nuts these days, and how much joy—pure joy—I have been getting from listening to the calls and coming upon all the woos, that I thought maybe what we needed was just a big ol’ check-in. So what we’re gonna do today is we are gonna woo together. We’re going to check in. We’re going to remember that we are all doing an amazing job. And… we deserve a little bonus show this week. Just because. So… let’s see what happens.

caller

Hello! I’m leaving a woo and an update.

crosstalk

Biz and caller: Woooo!

caller

I am getting by. [Biz laughs.] Used to our COVID routine, but thoroughly panicked about my daughter’s socialization because she hasn’t seen another child in four months. [Sighs.] Which is a lot. I don’t know when she’ll be able to see another child. And that’s freaking me out a bit. But otherwise, the thing that I thought seemed impossible months ago—spending all of my time as a stay-at-home parent locked in a house with a one-year-old is actually entirely possible. [Biz laughs.] And I have not even lost my mind. I hope you all are feeling the same way as far as not having lost your mind. You’re doing a great job.

biz

You’re doing a great job, too! Thank you for checking in. [Laughs.]  You’re right! This was possible. [Laughs.] I mean, whatever that looks like? It’s possible! I—I also did not think I would get through summer. And here’s a little check-in secret: summer flew by? [Laughs.] And… it actually didn’t feel as stressful as it normally does. I don’t know why. [Laughs.] I do not understand… how having everybody in the house all summer proved less stressful than when we had activities and I had alone time? Like, blehblehblehbleh. The science doesn’t match up. But like… it turns out it was possible! It was possible! Anything’s possible, as they say. And yeah. The whole, like, [singing] will my children ever see another child? [Laughs.] [Regular voice] Is, like, is really hard. Because at all ages, there’re definitely developmental stages that relate to seeing others. And whether your kid’s one, four, eight, or a teen, or a grown-ass person living in your house, they really need to interact with others their same age. So you’re doing amazing. Thank you for reminding us that anything is possible.

caller

This is a woo?

crosstalk

Biz and caller: Wooo!

caller

That’s harder than I thought! [Biz laughs.] So doing fine. I keep forgetting to—my big self-care was to put my fizzy water into the refrigerator so it was cold? By the time I got to it—and I keep forgetting to do that so I would do that now even though it’s dirty. Alright. Thank you so much for all you do. Bye. [Biz laughs.]

crosstalk

I like that this started with a question. “This is a woo?” It was a woo! You woo’d very well! Thank you so much for wooing! [Laughs.] And yeah, sometimes it’s the simple things that make us the—I’m with you. I do the same thing. I have something nice for myself to drink and I forget to put it in the fridge. And then it comes time for me to wanna drink it and I’m like, “Ahhh! Can’t drink it!” Again, not the hardest of problems that we’re all facing right now. [Laughs.] But—still a total pain in the ass. You are doing amazing. Thank you so much for checking in.

crosstalk

Biz and caller: Wooooo!

caller

I am doing a great job at this exact moment. If I were to call probably back in like five minutes I’d probably be doing a horrible job. [Biz laughs.] But my two-year-old just wanted to help fold laundry and you know how that goes. So I gave him a big pile of dirty laundry to fold in a basket. And he felt like he was helping and… he wasn’t messing up all my clean piles. Which drives me nuts. So woo for me. Right now, I am doing a great job. But again, I might call back in about five minutes with an epic failure. [Biz laughs.] Thanks for all you do, and I could not fathom this quarantine without this podcast. Bye!

biz

[Laughs.] I now wanna hear you call back with a fail woo. [Depressingly] “Woooo.” You are genius! Look at that, guys! We had a genius hidden inside a woo! I—that actually really is genius. Having the kid fold the dirty stuff? Yeah. You are… doing such an amazing job. And that’s what woos are all about, guys. Wooing in the moment when we need to woo the most. Right? Little victories! Go reward yourself with a fizzy soda or water that you forgot to go put in the fridge. You’re doing great.

crosstalk

Biz and caller: Woooo!

caller

I am not okay! [Biz laughs.] I mean… I’ll be okay, and everyone will be okay, but I’m not okay. I don’t know how to work from home and homeschool my fifth-grader and homeschool my second-grader and keep my two-and-a-half-year-old busy and run a farm and try and find time to be a wife and a person and… how’d you do the things even semi-decent? And because of my current level of “I don’t fucking know”— [Biz laughs.] I just keep panic adding more things. I wouldn’t say that that’s probably the best solution? But like in the moment they just feel like maybe they will bring me joy and feel good and be what I need them to be and so I just keep doing it to myself. I just keep adding things to my plate. And now in four weeks I have to have surgery on my dominant hand on both my wrist and my thumb and it’s gonna put me in a cast for six weeks and I have 160 chickens and— [Biz laughs.] —four horses and two bunnies and two dogs and seven cats and 3,000 square feet of vegetable garden that I’m supposed to be canning to feed my family and… [Biz laughs.] And a job that requires typing? And I don’t know how I’m gonna do any of it. I don’t know how I’m gonna do anything. And I was supposed to start homeschooling my kids in four weeks and I will have just had surgery and also, homeschooling is fucking expensive, guys. Like, it doesn’t have to be? But if you’re looking for the path of least resistance that offers you the most things put together in one package that you don’t have to hunt down and put together yourself, it’s expensive! [Biz laughs.] And what I need is something that is put together and handed to me in a package that I can just teach, and it’s expensive. For two kids. To homeschool with that type of thing. And I don’t know how I’m gonna make that work. Especially because I don’t know if I’m gonna have a job that much longer because I work in international student exchange, y’all! [Biz laughs.] Yes! You know how well that’s going this year! Well, it’s not. I’m trying and I’m trying to stay upbeat and I’m trying to keep up with the latest news and the recommendations and… still make it work. But like… yeah. It’ll be alright. I will be fine. [Biz laughs.] I will figure it out. We will make our way through it but like right at this very second? I’m not doing so hot! I don’t know how it’s going to work. And it will because it has to— [Biz laughs.] —and so I’ll make it work, but I don’t know how. So. Anyway. That was my woo and that is how I’m doing and you said keep it under two minutes and I’m at 3:24, so I’m sorry. [Exhales.] Okay. Y’all are doing a great job.

biz

[Singing] Just what makes that little old ant think he can have that rubber tree plant? [Laughs.] Everyone knows that ants can’t climb a rubber tree plant but he’s got—hiiiigh hopes! [Laughs.] [Regular voice.] God. You may use as much time as you fucking need, madam. That was the most epic check-in I’ve ever heard ever. I think I might know why you’re feeling overwhelmed. [Laughs.] Madam? That is so much! I have to keep calling you “madam” because I respect you so much—like, “Madame President.” Like that is— [Laughs.] you are president—You are president of all the things. And I… I don’t even know what to say, other than—can I like make you a meal? And like have it delivered to you? [Laughs.] Because… I hope you’re not also trying to cook! The canning! The farm! The, like, animals? The animals. I love that you were like, “Well, I’m gonna have to have a cast on my dominant hand. I’ve got a bazillion chickens.” [Laughs.] Just… there is nothing more to say, but I hope you call back and check in often. Because I think we all want to know how you’re doing. Alright? You’re doing an amazing job. I totally get the whole “piling on the list”? I am a person who does that, too. The—you know what, I’ll add one more activity; one more project; one more thing because being busy makes me feel good? And sometimes… the surgeries or the things that happen to us that actually have to make us stop? Ugh! Are also good for us. Yuck. Boo. But I get it. You are… you are remarkable. [Laughs.] Goddamn! You are remarkable. [Laughs.]

crosstalk

Biz and caller: Woooo!

caller

I feel like a psychopath. I’m driving down the highway. I just left work. And I have a mini-fridge strapped into the back of one of my seats and my one-year-old strapped in the other backseat. [Biz laughs.] Our refrigerator broke several days ago so when I get home, I get to transfer all of the food that hasn’t spoiled into this mini fridge. Ugh. I’ve been back to work for two weeks. Monday through Wednesday and my mother is watching my one-year-old. It’s been weird. But it’s been okay. It’s nice to get out of the house and our three-year-old is back at daycare as of two weeks ago. But she’s thrilled to go back. We were both a little worried and guilty about having her back? But she’s happy. We’re all just kind of rolling with it. And… trying to keep on keeping on. But this is so weird and definitely not [inaudible] even though I am going back to work a couple days a week. Love the show! It was nice to woo with you. Bye.

biz

Woo to you. I gotta tell ya, the—I mean… a lot of what you were talking about is, like, the whole sense of normalcy… like, walking through all of this weirdness? Doing all the normal actions? Is very disorienting when you know it’s not normal? And I see that and I see you. But I also kinda wanna talk about the fridge. Because… oh my god. It’s already hard when the things that we rely on break. [Laughs.] Like, it always seems to happen when you—like, there’s no good time for your fridge to break, guys. There’s no good time. But right now it is particularly hard time ‘cause you have to go out and solve that problem and make those decisions of, “Am I gonna go look for a new fridge? Am I gonna go look for a part-time solution? Am I gonna do that in person or online? Oh my god, why did so many people buy fridges right now! Why can’t I buy a fridge?!” Right? Like, there are—both of our cars—well, my car’s dead. It doesn’t drive anymore. It stopped driving, like, months ago. And Stefan’s car has no air conditioning. [Laughs.] That died a couple months ago. And it’s like, “Well, do we fix it? Do we not? I mean, we’re not going anywhere! We’re all working from home. Is it worth spending the money?” Blah, blah, blah. So like, I salute you driving down the road with a mini fridge strapped in to the backseat of your car. And I now will assume every person I see with some sort of appliance [through laughter] strapped to their car—inside or out—as being somebody who’s doing the most amazing job in the moment. You’re doing a really good job. Thank you so much for checking in. [Through laughter] I love this so much. Hannah? Let’s just only do check-ins for the rest of our lives. [Laughs.]

crosstalk

Biz and caller: Woooo!

caller

Well, it’s day 9,627,000, uh, of this pandemic. And I have been home for the entirety of it in Portland, Oregon, where things are ramping up on the street. But me and my three-year-old and my ten-month-old have been staying home pretty much… all day, every day, since this whole thing started. And I’m going a little insane. My husband is an essential worker and he is gone almost every day now for most of the day. And I was super creative at the beginning— [Biz laughs.] —and I am not creative anymore. Before, there were grand plans that I got, y’know, ready the night before. Now… I basically let my kids play in a dirty bucket of water that I left out overnight. [Biz laughs.] That’s where we’re at. But this show keeps me going and I love you guys and I love all the parents out there who are doing their best and I see you all and we got this.

biz

A dirty bucket of water? It was my college band. I’m just kidding. [Laughs.] Dirty bucket of—I now only want to see on Pinterest whole boards committed to “dirty bucket of water play.” It sounds very Montessori. I think you’re a genius. You’re doing an amazing job. A hundred and what—like, maybe in the next like Parents magazine there could be “101 Ways to Use a Dirty Bucket of Water.” [Laughs.] Sounds like you prepared something overnight to me! You’re doing an amazing job! You really — [Laughs.] I just love—I think what I like about these calls is just the like… the raw honesty of where we all kind of are? Like, with that sort of… hysterical little bit of wooing and laughter? I mean, the woo is also just us being sort of hysterically denying anything that might be really going on? [Laughs.] So I love this like— [Laughs.] “I was creative. I mean, I had grand plans. And now that’s just gone. That is just not happening.” Oh yeah! I’m with you! I am so with you! You are doing a remarkable job giving up. [Laughs.]

biz

Biz and caller: Wooooooo! [Continues at length. Biz laughs.]

caller

[Laughs.] I am… not doing well. [Biz laughs.] I am not okay. I am not hanging in there. I am sooo sick of this fucking pandemic. And I want it to be over and the way that my not-okay-ness manifests itself is through anger. I am so angry at everything and everyone. I’m angry at my husband for not doing enough and for needing to be led around the nose, just like, notice that something needs to be cleaned or dusted or whatever or that a child needs attention or whatever. I’m angry at other people for denying science— [Biz laughs.] —and for pretending like it’s a big conspiracy and not taking it seriously. I am angry at our government for not doing enough to protect us. I’m just—I’m just angry. I’m angry at myself because I’m not doing all of the amazing things that I thought I would be doing during this pandemic. I’m just… so frustrated and angry. And… sad. And that’s just how my sadness manifests itself a lot of the times. Just with anger because I can’t control it. And it’s in the hands of other people and I’m doing everything that I can for myself and for my family and for my community and I’m wearing a mask and I’m doing all the things that I’m supposed to do, and I can’t control other people’s choices! And I’m not working and I’m used to working full time and… I lost my job because of the pandemic. And I’m not good at being a stay-at-home mom and I’m angry at myself for that and it just sucks and… I’m not okay. And I feel like I’m not doing a great job. But you are doing a great job. We are all doing a great job. So thank you for the podcast. It is a touchstone in my life. So thank you, thank you, thank you. And my best to all of you. And sending love to Theresa. And thanks, Biz, for the Bop-It videos on Instagram. [Biz laughs.] Okay. Take care. Bye!

biz

That woo? Was the woo felt around the world. Of course you’re not doing okay! [Laughs.] That’s okay that you’re angry! Anger and sadness are part of this process that… we’re going through with… this pandemic. There is loss that has happened. Be it emotional loss; be it loss of jobs; loss of routine; loss of loved ones. This is… anger is part of that. Okay? And you’re already doing a good job by even acknowledging it? Okay? I hear you. We’re all at home together, spending more time than we may [through laughter] or may not want to. We have said it on the show before—what is happening in many homes is the disproportionate balance of presidential duties? [Laughs.] And they weren’t a big deal before, but they’re a big deal now. Right? And yeah. I’m with you. I don’t like having to remind all the—one of the things I used to say to Stefan was “I feel like I am being forced to become a nag. And I don’t want to be forced to become a nag. It does not bring me joy to have to ask you these things. I need you to partner with me to help.” Right? And ugh. The people denying the science and the comfort of a good ol’-fashioned conspiracy theory is enough to make all of us want to jump out of a window and fly far, far away. To an island where science is celebrated! Okay? All of these things—and the reality of, like, discovering, maybe, you’re not the best at-home parent? There’s so much guilt tied to that? ‘Cause as women or as… identifying-female caregivers, we are really told from the beginning that this is supposed to be second-nature. First-nature! That this is supposed to be something that we want. That we love. That we’re naturally equipped to do. And one of the reasons I started this podcast was because I was really struggling with that. It did not come natural. It did not—I did not find great joy in that. I find a helluva lot more joy now that they are older kids. Okay? And… the guilt associated with that is real, but you are not doing a bad job because you don’t like it. [Laughs.] I mean, you’re not. You are actually doing a remarkable job getting through this? And… y’know, thank you for checking in and god. Thank you for the most amazing woo I think we’ve had to date. You’re remarkable.

crosstalk

Biz and caller: [quietly] Woooo!

caller

That is the quiet woo, because everyone in my house except me is sleeping. Two children and one husband. Everybody’s taking a nap. Yeah! So woooo! [Biz laughs.] I love this show so much and I am doing okay. I’m doing okay. Good enough. [Laughs.] In part because I recently started going for a drive by myself and listening to the show. [Laughs.] That helps immensely. Yeah! We are making it. We are making it. I love the show. I love you, Biz and Theresa. I love you, other OBM people. You guys are doing such a good job. Biz and Theresa, you’re both doing a great job. And… thank you. For everything that you do. It really means a lot. And having this show to listen to [through tears] since I became a parent. [Sniffs.] I can’t tell you how much it’s meant to me. Just to know that I’m not alone. And just for you guys telling me I’m doing a good job. And just having the space to talk about parenting and just to have you understand. [Sighs.] I started listening when my son, who’s now four, was a little baby and I was starting to go a little bananas at home on maternity leave by myself. And it just saved me. So thank you so much.

biz

Thank you. You’re doing an amazing job. Y’know? I think sometimes we think that the emotional stress and hardness of parenting ends as they get older, but I think some of my even harder times were when the kids were like three and four. Right? And I think I kept getting so surprised by how hard every year—every year was! [Laughs.] Y’know? And you’re doing such a remarkable job and it is so important to remember—you are not alone. None of us are alone. This is hard. And we do not have to listen to the voices that tell us it’s supposed to be easy or that something is wrong with us if we do not find it easy. And… I’m not saying that for some people, it isn’t easy. For some people, the, like, balance of joy versus stress shifts and tilts and is higher one day and not the other. Like, that’s also important to remember. There are days when we all probably feel like we’re awesome! Like, “we should be doing this every day! [Laughs.] We nailed it!” And then the next day it’s like, oh my god. I used to chain-smoke cigarettes and be like so cool and do things that I enjoyed whenever I wanted. Smoking’s not cool, guys. [Laughs.] But you know what I mean. Different days, man! You’re like, well how did—who let me be a parent, right? [Laughs.] Who let kids in this house? And I just think… I just see you. And I feel that overwhelming feeling of… I can’t believe this is my life. And everybody is doing a remarkable job. You’re doing such a remarkable job. And you are not alone.

crosstalk

Biz and caller: Woooo! Woo!

caller

Hi, Biz! I am just sitting in the dark and I was just thinking that from March to now, what the difference in my mentality was. And sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. But in March, two, three weeks of my kids at home? Without school? Or something to do? Scared the shit out of me. And now… that doesn’t. And I realize I can be with my kids more than a [through laughter] week and not freak out and it just is what it is and we can enjoy that time and, y’know, it doesn’t have to be 100% me and the kids all the time, but they can do their own stuff and I just feel a lot more… peace with my parenting. After six months of COVID. And I feel much more resilient than I knew I could be when it came to parenting. So anyways. That is my “woo!” of the day. Hope you are doing well and you are doing a fan-flipping-tasting job. Thanks. Bye.

biz

Good job! I love this! I love this woo check-in. You’re right! You are more resilient! I think this is sort of what I was talking about at the beginning of the show. Where I was like… [Laughs.] How did summer go so fast? Right? Like I was really expecting it to be different. And it was different, in that we actually got through it. And it was okay. And… I think—I’m so glad that you’re giving yourself the space to recognize… that you are doing a good job. And, y’know. Yeah! Look at us! Six months have passed. [Laughs.] We’re still here. Wooing. Sometimes quiet woos. Sometimes loud, long, exaggerated, maybe-somebody-should-call-somebody woos, and just victorious woos. And sad woos, guys! Y’know, none of us are all supposed to be on the same page all the time. But when we have the days where we recognize that we are doing a good job, and that we are good parents, and that we are doing the best that we can under the circumstances that we are presented, with the families that we have— [Laughs.] That that should be acknowledged. You’re doing a really good job.

caller

Hello, One Bad Mother!

crosstalk

Biz and caller: Woooo!

caller

I’m calling to tell you how I am doing, which is… sort of kind of okay but not really. [Biz laughs.] My husband and I are very lucky. We can work from home. Our kid wasn’t going to daycare in the first place. And there are a lot of things that have changed for other people that have not changed for us. That said… our three-year-old’s having a really rough time with the inability to play with his friends any time he wants to. And he’s having lots of challenges with just feeling sad; feeling angry; feeling… like… when he does get a chance to play with his friends that he shouldn’t go near them. And I think pretty typical stuff for right now. Where we’re really having a hard time—the hardest time—is just preparing for this to go on inevitably. It was a few weeks. A few months. That was fine. But now, when we’re trying to plan for life and we’re just planning through the end of the year? Because we don’t wanna think any farther than that? Can’t think any farther than that? That’s really tough. That’s just really tough to imagine a whole winter living in an area where it’s too cold to play outside, in our house, not going in other people’s houses. Not going in any kind of place to play. That’s really tough right now. But in general, we’re doing okay! And a lot of that, I give credit to you guys. Because— [Laughs.] We get to listen to how everybody else is doing and we know that we’re about the same level of “not okay” as a lot of other people. That’s kind of it at the moment. Sort of okay; not really. Thanks. Bye.

biz

[Laughs.] Oh, yes. This is also possibly a mantra for 2020. “Sort of okay; but not really.” [Laughs.] You’re doing a remarkable job, and you know what? You’re right. There’s so many different layers to the experiences we’re all having at the moment? And one of those layers is… trying to help our kids navigate not being able to be the social creatures that they might be? Or to have the sort of touchstones that they’re used to. Y’know. I mean… even at two and three, both my kids had the touchstones of like children’s museums or parks or… y’know, every week we go and do this park. Or we go on this walk. Or we do this thing. And those things just… aren’t available the way that they were. And I think there’s also that mental space that we all have in the back of our minds right now. Of—where is this going? How long is this going to go? We have lived with a sort of… fairy tale narrative that everything is fixed fast. [Laughs.] Around here. Do you want a package? It can come to you tomorrow if you would like it to! Do you need to talk to somebody? You get to talk to them right away. You get to email them right away. You can—you don’t have to fax shit and wait around for that. You just take a picture. Boom! Done! Right? Like—y’know. We are not a patient people? [Laughs.] Because we’ve been told we don’t have to be that patient. And there are really wonderful—that’s wonderful. In so many ways. But it makes times like this that are completely out of our control on historic levels really difficult to get our heads around and best know how to… get through it. No one wants to think about three months from now; six months from now. None of us. None of us! And that like—I have those like wistful moments of, “I cannot believe I let children into my house six months ago! I miss having their friends over and the house being full of kids and… y’know, letting kids go to the bathroom if they need to in the house.” Right? Like, if we have a hangout. And like… my kids are all like wiping down toys if they’re swapping or wanting to look at things with their—we have like one or two friends that we—like, their kids come over because we’ve got a porch. We’ve got the space to let them be socially distanced. But it’s… weird. So I hear you and I get it. And you are doing a really great job.

crosstalk

Biz and caller: Woooo!

caller

That was fun! So the world’s been kind of a shitstorm lately. [Biz laughs.] But today I feel pretty good! So I felt like I needed that woo to celebrate. My husband and I have been setting boundaries with our parents, ‘cause we don’t have the same morals as they do, I guess. [Biz laughs.] I’m completing my training at work. Even during a pandemic. So I just—I don’t know! It feels pretty good. Hence the woo. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to woo about it! You guys are doing a great job. Bye.

biz

Yeah! Woo about it! You gotta woo about it! You’re doing a good job. That boundary one with your own parents? Whew! [Singing] That is something specific. [Laughs.] [Regular voice] We gotta find an expert to come on and talk about that one. Yeah. That’s amazing. And continuing your training, even during a pandemic. I think that’s amazing. This always makes me think of things like the, y’know, “I can—anything you can do, I can do better?” That old song? [Singing] “Anything you could do, I could do better! I could do—” [Regular voice] Right? And when I had the—when my kids were babies. When they were infants. I remember like wandering through the house, holding them, being like, no one is here to see the fact that I can make a cappuccino with one hand while holding a baby. I can open this laundry machine with my feet. I— [Laughs.] Like, all of these things that I could do with a baby. And now I feel like it’s like, “I can do that. With a baby. In a pandemic. Standing on my head in high heels while breastfeeding.” Right? Like— [Laughs.] I just—you’re incredible! You’re incredible! Everybody’s doing an incredible job! You’re—ahh! Good job!

caller

I’m calling with a woo and a check-in. Okay. Ready?

crosstalk

Biz and caller: Woooo!

caller

This is Vanessa in Connecticut. I am still quarantining with my family since March. It is now the end of July. And I’m here! With a baby, a toddler, and a grade-schooler! And my husband, and sometimes my mother-in-law. And that’s it. And the house is a mess and we’re doing it and it usually sucks but you guys are awesome. Thank you for everything you do. Hang in there! Bye!

biz

[Laughs.] [Singing] Your house is a mess! Your— [Regular voice] Oh my god. Guys? Good job if your house is clean and good job if your house is a mess. I’m trying to figure out the weird witchcraft behind me cleaning a room and then moments later it being covered in dust and Legos. And I think it’s because we’re here all the time? [Laughs.] Shedding? And that’s gross. So… here’s to having a dirty house. And not having cold drinks. [Laughs.] To enjoy. And dirty buckets of water. And all of these things! You’re doing a very good job, even when you’re not.

crosstalk

Biz and caller: Woooo!

caller

I have a genius! [Biz laughs.] When you are doing the dishes in front of a window that leads to outside, and your little three-year old wants to play water guns, you can paint a target on the window. From the inside. So that he shoots at it—phr-phr-phr-phr-phrsh! And you can watch him and do the dishes at the same time. Because parenting means that sometimes doing the dishes is as much escape as anything you can get.^ Anyway. Everyone’s doing a great job. Bye.

biz

Man. There’s no way better to end a Woo-tacular than with a genius. I— [Laughs.] There are so many different ways I thought this genius was gonna go. Like, I thought maybe when you’re doing the dishes and you’re standing in front of a window, just jump through it. Just hurl your body our and keep running and never look back. Or open that window and throw every dirty dish just out the window. Just throw ‘em out. Or we painted a target on the window and gave my child a BB gun so that we could do like a—what is that? Duck shoot kind of thing. It’s not a duck. You—shooting pucks. And you throw ‘em, and they shoot ‘em in the air. Also good survival trick for pandemic, I suppose. But you know what? Painting a target and letting your kid hose it down from the outside? Is actually genius. You are doing an amazing job.

biz

The joy… and love… and… victories… and— [Laughs.] Acceptance of this Woo-tacular… has made me so very happy. What did we learn today, guys? We learned that wooing may be an essential part of parenting. I understand the woo is not for everyone. [Laughs.] From the very beginning of the show, some people were like, “We’re just not even gonna listen because of the woo.” [Laughs.] Fair enough! Fair enough, guys! [Laughs.] It is its own thing! But now… so many years in… I think I finally really and truly understand the woo. And I think that it is about… that sort of… like, blissful, I’m gonna dance my way through this problem even if—I’m gonna just tap my way right through people throwing water balloons at me with this big, happy, crazy smile on my face because I can’t— [Laughs.] —actually sit in it right now. I can’t like, let my—I mean, parenting is so much about like, having to hold it in and get through the moment? And then let it out later? And the woo is all of those things. I think. Maybe. Or it’s just a sign that we’re all going crazy. But for me, today, the woo brought joy. It brought camaraderie. And I—I really appreciate you guys. It’s a weird—it is weird to continue making this show. And it’s really weird doing it without Theresa. And I appreciate Hannah so much. I feel like we are finding a groove with the show now. And it means a lot that... the show is still doing what we always wanted the show to do. Which is just to remind us we’re not alone. This is really hard. And that we’re doing a good job! I mean, by—by realistic standards. Not by absurd, crazy, storybook, TV, Pottery Barn Catalog standards. By real standards. Right? We got up. We did it. We got up and we did it again. So I think the best way to end this very special One Bad Mother Labor Day, First-Ever, Woo-Tacular, is to take a moment… breathe in… and let’s all woo together. [Begins high-pitched and decreases in pitch as it continues at length.] Wooooo! Yeah!

music

“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics. _I got the lowdown momma blues_ Got the lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues The lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues Got the lowdown momma blues You know that’s right [Music fades somewhat, plays in background of dialogue.]

biz

We’d like to thank MaxFun; our producer, Hannah Smith; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things; and of course, you, our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.

theresa

One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate. [Music continues for a while before fading out.]

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MaximumFun.org.

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Comedy and culture.

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Artist owned—

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—Audience supported.

About the show

One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis and Theresa Thorn about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren’t all magical vessels!

Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing.

Call in your geniuses and fails: 206-350-9485. For booking and guest ideas, please email onebadmother@maximumfun.org. To keep up with One Bad Mother on social media, follow @onebadmothers on Twitter and Instagram.

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