Transcript
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse thorn
Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorn. We're in chambers this week to clear the docket. And with me, as always, is the man with the softest chore coat in all of Brooklyn: Judge John Hodgman.
john hodgman
Yeah, I got a chore—I got a chore coat! I'm in a chore coat mood.
jesse
Nothing wrong with a chore coat.
john
Jesse, how would you describe what a—what a chore coat is, to the people out there?
jesse
A chore coat is a type of a typically work jacket with four patch pockets, usually.
john
Yeah. Yeah.
jesse
Maybe sometimes three, but typically four patch pockets.
john
Two at your waist, and two—and two over your... your boob areas.
jesse
Yeah. And a—and a square hem. Uh, no darts. It looks sort of like, uh...
john
Boxy!
jesse
It's boxy. Yeah.
john
Yeah!
jesse
It's boxy with, uh—
john
Boxy like that kid from Battlestar Galactica.
jesse
Y—oh. Okay.
john
Yeah. Take it from me.
jesse
With bockets—with—with—with buttons up the front.
john
Mm-hm.
jesse
With "bockets" up the front. [John laughs quietly.] With buttons up the front. Did you end up putting it in the—did you put it in the dryer with some tennis balls?
john
Well, what happened, everybody, is I bought—I bought it blind off of a website. I couldn't find anything on Put This On. You should have some more chore jackets on there. 'Cause there's a very classic blue French chore jacket that, uh—that they make a lot of replicas of.
jesse
Bill Cunningham was famous for wearing.
john
Yeah, exactly. I went to a vintage shop and bought one of these things blind. It's this old, gray... piece of overall. I think the brand is Universal; I don't wanna take it off right now, but I'll—I'll let you know if I made a mistake later. Jennifer Marmor, after the credits, maybe I'll sneak in with a surprise post-credits sequence to reveal the brand of this thing. But it's a vintage—it's a very, very old piece of workwear that had never been worn. I got it in the mail. And I could have cut cheese with it, it was so stiff. You know, I could've cut some of that mozzarella snacking cheese with it.
jesse
It is real workwear. That's why you're wearing it at work right now.
john
Yeah! We had talked so much about, uh, jeans, and denim. I was like, "Je—" I had to text Jesse to find out what to do with this thing! I'm like, "Jesse, do I need to put this on and wear it into the ocean? And have it drip off my body for the rest of the day? Is that how I beat this thing into submission?" And you said, "No, just wash it and put it in the dryer," and it came out great. Thank you.
jesse
You're welcome. Hey, here's a dispute from Theresa. From Location Unknown.
john
Hang on a second, I gotta—hang on. Don't—leave this in! [Slightly distant from the mic] Yaaay! [He laughs, delighted.] I'm so excited, Jesse! Do you know why?
jesse
Why?
john
I didn't—you probably can't hear it, 'cause I—I'm so well soundproofed here. But I was concerned we wouldn't be able to record, because my—the—you know, I'm in this office. And the downstairs neighbor is doing some work—or having some work done, rather, on his patio. He got a new patio put in. And for some reason, uh, they have spent the entire morning running a leaf blower over this patio to dry stuff, and I was like, "Oh, it's Leafy! Leafy's back!" Remember, Jesse Thorn, when you were plagued by the leaf blower? Earlier this year?
jesse
Yeah, that came to my neighbor's yard at exactly the moment, uh, that I recorded every week. They were very consistent! The gardeners were on time.
john
I don't know whether you all heard it on the—on the recording— [The transcriptionist did not. Great soundproofing.] —but Leafy's back, and loving it. Alright. Let's get into this docket.
jesse
Here's something from Theresa, from Location Unknown: "My wife and I cannot agree on when a person should clean the lint filter in the dryer. She cleans it when she takes dry clothes out. I clean it just before starting a new load. My method is more efficient. The next person to use the dryer has to check the filter anyway, so if you clean it right before you start a load, you save a filter lift. Meanwhile, my mom starts a load drying and then clears the filter while the dryer is running!"
john
Whoa!
jesse
"This is clearly lawless!"
john
[Laughing] Wow!
jesse
"Who's right?"
john
Well—yeah, we don't know where Theresa is from. Sometimes people don't say where they're from. And that's fine! You can keep that a secret. But I'm kinda curious, because I never said "lint filter" in my life. I would say "lint screen." What do you say, Jesse Thorn?
jesse
I think I would say "lint filter." But I—
john
You would?
jesse
You know, like a lot of Californians, I would use both interchangeably.
john
Yeah. Right. Jennifer Marmor, what would you say? "Lint filter" or "lint screen"?
jennifer mamor
I say "lint screen."
john
"Lint screen." And you're a Californian, too!
jennifer
Yep!
john
I don't know—I don't wanna encourage people to write in to say [stifles laughter] whether they say "lint filter" or "lint screen." That's a lot of email for me to clean out of the—the lint filter of my email box. But if there is a regionalism here, or if you're listening, Theresa, let me know where this happened. Because I always only ever said "lint screen."
jesse
We're not data journalists.
john
No. That's exactly right. I don't wanna crunch the numbers. I just wanna—I just wanna dispense justice. This one's obvious. I only put this one in because I've gotten a number of letters from people like this. Including a recent letter from, um, a Bill and Cheryl. Same dispute. "When do you clean the lint screen?" And the answer is obvious. Correct, Jesse?
jesse
I feel like I'm in a trap.
john
No, no, no. Don't worry.
jesse
I mean, you do have to clean it before you put the clothes in, 'cause... otherwise... Wait, is the answer "never"? [Laughs.]
john
No!
jesse
[Laughs harder.] You have to—you have to take a look at it before you put the clothes in, 'cause you don't wanna start a fire!
john
You have—you don't wanna start a fire in your dryer! It's a dryer, not a fire!
jesse
Mm-hm.
john
What did I do when I put my chore jacket into the—into the dryer? I checked the lint filter! I also checked the lint screen. I also checked the lint trap, another thing sometimes people say. I'm always gonna check it, 'cause I don't want there to be a fire, Theresa's wife. Now, Theresa's wife is trying to be nice! What Theresa's wife is trying to do here is... make it easy on the next person. Which is a very considerate thing to do. But, you know, you're—it's like—you're gonna check! You have to check! So... just leave it! Don't do that extra work, Theresa's wife. Just go ahead and make it the rule from now on. When you put clothes in the dryer, lift up the lint screen, clean it off. You don't have to do it after you've done it already. Unless you're putting in a new load. As far as what Theresa's mother is up to, I do not understand that at all. And I would love to hear Theresa's mother explana—Theresa's mom? Do me a favor. Write in. I wanna know why you are checking the lint filter in the middle of the cycle, and what that's accomplishing. And let me know where Theresa is. I'm tired of this mystery.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse
Remember to clean your ducts about once a year.
john
Yeah. I got a great duct guy who comes in. Hoo! I just text him, he just shows up!
jesse
I also love my duct guy! He just comes, kapow, it's done! He puts in a thing, he does a whole thing—
john
Yeah! If you don't understand what we're talking about, if—
jesse
It's great! So gracious.
john
If you're lucky enough to have a—a clothes dryer in your home... You know, there's—it—it vents to the outside world! You have—and lint is going up there, too. And if that gets clogged up with lint, that can catch fire, and you're gonna have a terrible problem! So you gotta call a duct specialist to come in and—it's such a... What makes it so interesting is—
jesse
It's like a—it's a special auger.
john
Yeah. It's like a special—like a long tool, and they—like a roto-rooter, and they just pull out all this lint, and it's so satisfying.
jesse
Yeah.
john
I don't wanna be gross, but we're gonna be talking about flatulence later. It's like, you ever get a really good nose-pick? This is like that. I got Jennifer Marmor on that one, but you know what I'm talking about, Jennifer Marmor. We're all humans here. We're all disgusting creatures.
jennifer
Of course! Of course.
jesse
Can I put in a plug for a potential regionalism?
john
Sure.
jesse
This would be a regionalism people use around the area of Santa Cruz, California.
john
Mm-hm.
jesse
My friend Matt Dobbs from college—just really good of thinking of the wrong word to say for something. Um, used to say that he had to put his, uh, clothes into the cooker. [John chuckles.] And, uh... just always enjoyed it. I'd love to see people use that more.
john
For the dryer? The cooker?
jesse
Yeah!
john
Yeah.
jesse
Yeah, the cooker. "Gotta cook—"
john
I like that.
jesse
"I gotta—oh, my clothes are—my—the wash cycle's done. I gotta—I gotta toss 'em in the cooker."
john
Love it.
jesse
"Let me cook—let me cook my clothes real quick, and then I'll come out and hang out."
john
That's a new—that's a new regionalism.
jesse
Yeah.
john
In the—in the region of the Judge John Hodgman listenership. From now on, we call the dryer "the cooker."
jesse
Here's something from Brian Cook in Boston—
john
Oh, The Cooker himself!
jesse
"My wife Laura and I—"
john
That's what I—that's my nickname for him.
jesse
[Laughs quietly.] "My wife Laura and I were watching an episode of TV where one character said they like raisins. Then the other character said, with disgust, 'Of course you like raisins.' That's when I said, 'Who doesn't like raisins?' My wife insists it's weird that I don't know most people think raisins are gross. She says everyone dislikes raisins, and they are trash food." [John laughs.] "I say that's not true. Please compel her to admit raisins are delicious, or at least not universally disliked. PS, We also have a great story about when she received an aggressive amount of raisins as a kid, and distributed them in a funny way."
john
Now, I naturally asked Brian to get Laura's permission to share that story. I have not yet heard back from Brian. Let me double check. [Someone is typing.] This was days ago now, so I don't know what's going on with you, Brian. I'm trying to help you out here. If and when Brian submits that story, I will happily read it on a future episode. Or later in this episode, if Brian gets back to me sooner. But in the meantime, question for you. I'm gonna go to Jennifer Marmor first and foremost—
jennifer
Oh!
john
—'cause Jesse Thorn's clicking on his clicky keyboard. Jennifer Marmor. Raisins. Gross, or no?
jennifer
[Decisively] Gross.
john
Right.
jennifer
So gross. To me. Personally.
john
No, no. This is what we're trying to decide.
jennifer
I know. But I—
john
Are they universally gross, or subjectively gross?
jennifer
I know—but I know for a fact they're not universally gross, because I had a conversation with another parent at my son's school the other day. He goes to a Jewish school. We get challah every week through a—through the school. It's a whole thing.
john
Right.
jennifer
And the other parent had said, like, "Oh, yeah, we're getting it this year. Gotta go with the raisins." And my immediate reaction was, "Oh no. No, no. No, no—"
john
Right.
jennifer
"No—I mean, we go with plain. Not for me. Raisins aren't for me," and he's like, "Oh, I love the raisins." And I felt bad for—for being so aggressive about how much I can't stand raisins.
john
I don't think you should feel bad about anything!
jennifer
[Laughing] Okay!
john
People like what they like, and raisins are—well, let me ask you, Jesse Thorn. Gross, or no? [Pause.]
jesse
I don't think they're gross. I—I don't like them—
john
Would you ever eat one on purpose?
jesse
I think they are... [Pause.] Jennifer, you're gonna have to bleep this, but... [Jennifer laughs quietly.] I think they're a bullsh—[censored] addition to baked goods.
john
Mmm-hm!
jennifer
Me, too!
john
Mm-hm!
jesse
Put real candy in there.
jennifer
Yeah!
john
Right.
jesse
But besides that, I have no problem with them. I don't feed them to my children, because I—again, I would rather just give them real candy. If I'm gonna give them candy. [Laughs.]
john
Yeah.
jesse
Like, I don't think the distinction between, uh, fructose and other sugars is significant enough that I should give them raisins. Um, so—or the modest amount of fiber that's in them is significant enough that I should give them raisins instead of just once in a while giving them some Smarties or whatever.
john
Right. Yeah. This episode of Judge John Hodgman really goes out to the kids. To all those Judge John Hodgman kid listeners out there, I'm—I am tending to make your day. I am intending to make your day, because not only have I already talked about nose-picking, but I got a message for your parents: Don't give your kids, uh, raisins. And here's the thing. Remember how I talked about nose-picking, and how great it was? It's just part of life. You don't wanna damage your nose, chasing that great nose-pick. But every now and then, great nose-pick is a great thing. Such a great thing that it needs no simulation. You don't need a simulated nose-pick. And I tell you what. I don't need a tiny little red box of raisins to open up, and then shove my finger in there to pull out nature's boogers. That's gross. That's even before I get it into my mouth! [Jennifer cracks up.] Just the feeling—[laughs]—that feeling—!
jennifer
[Laughing] Sorry.
john
No, leave it in! Thank you!
jennifer
[Laughing] Nature's boogers!
john
Yeah!
jennifer
Is good. It's good!
john
Well, it's not even—! It's just the feeling of... that little box. Sometimes you would get them at Halloween. What an offense.
jennifer
I'd rather get an eraser! [Laughs.]
john
Yeah. I'd rather get a bag of rocks like Charlie Brown than a little—a little box of red—a little red box of raisins. That's just the width of your finger. So you really have to, like, shove it in there and dig out these things. And for what? A raisin? That's what you get at the end of it? Uh-uh! Now look, Brian. I love that you love raisins. Everyone should like what they like. And I'll say this: I will never ever ever ever eat a cinnamon raisin bagel. I don't like those. I think they're gross. But I will say that if you—a raisin in challah may be the best form that exists of a raisin, because there is a rehydration that occurs. They're no longer just dry and chalky disgusting little rabbit turds. Something happens when they're baked into something. They—they plump up. This is not making it sound less gross, but I'm doing the best I can for raisin lovers right now. And in a fruitcake... you know, I get it. There's a certain—a raisin can really come alive in a—in a fruitcake, in a classic fruitcake. Also, I don't—I don't hate a sultana. I don't hate a sultana. Maybe a golden raisin is okay. But no! No. No one wants any—I don't want any—I don't any raisins anywhere near me. I don't want 'em in my trail mix. I don't want 'em anywhere near me. I think they're gross. I lived to be this—I lived to be this age, tolerating them, and I'm saying from now on, no—this far, no further, raisins.
john
But Brian? If you like them, that's great. But I think that you need to appreciate... that in the cross-section of these three podcasting professionals, it is well-known that most people dislike raisins. They're not top snacks around there. Sooo, now your eyes are opened! You are in a—something of a—of a minority. Of raisin lovers in this world. And you should enjoy being part of that community! That's great for you. But I'm glad that you now know—and I'm surprised that it did not come out in any pre-marital counseling that you went through with your wife—but raisins are gross. Most people think.
jesse
Judge Hodgman, you may remember the clicking sounds of my mechanical keyboard.
john
Love 'em!
jesse
At the beginning of our answering of this question. I posted on Twitter, "How do you feel about raisins?"
john
[Gasps.] Oh! A Twitter poll?
jesse
The options were: "Love them," "Like them," "Dislike them," or "They are garbage food."
john
Right.
jesse
What percentage of my Twitter followers do you think... like raisins? That is, chose either "Love them" or "Like them"?
john
[Pause.] Seventeen percent.
jesse
The answer is... 72%.
john
Whoa! What?
jesse
Seventy-two percent either love or like raisins. Seventeen percent love them. Fifty-five percent like them. Nearly 14% dislike them—
john
Wait a minute. What—seventeen percent... love them?
jesse
Yep! Fifty-five percent like them. So—
john
Well, I was pretty good on the 17%, though. That was truly just a guess. On love, but—
jesse
But I said "like or love."
john
I know, I know! I'm just—okay.
jesse
John. That's just a coincidence, that's not doing a good job.
john
Fifty percent like them??
jesse
Fifty-five percent like them—
john
Fifty-five percent like them...
jesse
—and 18% now love them. With 253 votes in. Uh, and then it's a total of about 26% who dislike them.
john
Here's what I'm gonna say. I believe—I believe in the 18%—
jesse
I'm—by the way. If you're at home listening, I'm rounding, and people are voting right now, so it's changing very slightly.
john
Yeah.
jesse
So don't try and add those numbers up together. Just get the general gist.
john
Yeah. If you—
jesse
Which is that about three quarters of people either like or love raisins.
john
If you're listening—if—
jennifer
But if you're still in line, don't leave yet.
jesse
Yeah. [All three laugh.] They have to let you vote.
jennifer
[Laughing] They have to, yeah.
john
Yeah. They have to let you vote, yeah. If you're listening at home, please, I beg of you. This Twitter poll—
jesse
You don't have to show ID. [Someone stifles laughter.]
john
This Twitter poll that Jesse did [stifles laughter] now happened two weeks ago. If you're listening at home, I want you to get it going right now. Go on there and just flood his @ mentions with raisin talk. If you're gonna—if you're gonna email me about "lint filter" vs. "lint screen," you owe it to yourself to bother Jesse about raisins on Twitter. Here's the thing I'm gonna say about this poll: I believe in polls. There have been some... failures in the polls lately.
jesse
Again, we're not data journalists.
john
We're not data journalists. I—in my heart, I believe in the—I believe in the 18%, or whatever it is, who say they love raisins. In my heart, I believe in the 26% of the people who say they don't like 'em or they're garbage food. That 55% of people who say they like 'em? ...I think they're just dealing with the trauma of being forced to eat raisins as kids, and they don't want to admit that their parents were bad. I think that that's—I don't believe them for a second. If you look in your hearts, raisin "likers," you know—you know what you wanna say. You just don't want to admit it. They're bad; they're gross. But you know what? I guess, Brian in Boston, there are a lot of people out there for you to get to know. Whatever—however large your community is! Maybe I'm in the minority here. But at least you have a lot of fellow raisin lovers out there that you can talk to.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse
One of the most striking images of my childhood is raisin-related. My mother was a docent at the Mexican Museum in San Francisco. And I believe one of the pieces in the permanent collection there—certainly one that hung for a long time, that I saw often—was, uh, a famous print by Ester Hernandez, Chicana artist, uh, that replaces the Sun-Maid raisin box logo, you know, the sort of—
john
Mm-hm. I know it. Yeah.
jesse
—woman holding a basket of raisins, with a big red hat on, in front of a big yellow sun?
john
Yes. Yeah.
jesse
Uh, with a skeleton holding the basket of raisins, and "Sun-Maid" with "Sun Mad."
john
Mm!
jesse
As part of the protest movement against the treatment of farmworkers who picked grapes in California.
john
Yeah, of course.
jesse
And it is one of the most striking images. And I can't look at a box of raisins without thinking of the—without thinking of this skeleton that Ester Hernandez created, so...
john
There you go!
jesse
Let's take a quick break to hear from this week's partner. We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse
It's Judge John Hodgman, and as always, we are brought to you by you: The many people who are members of Maximum Fun, who listen to this program. We're grateful to every single one of you. Thanks for joining Maximum Fun. We are audience-supported first and foremost, always. That's what—that's the juice that keeps the lights on at Maximum Fun HQ—
john
Yep.
jesse
—and in, uh, John's office there in Brooklyn, my office here in Los Angeles. Thanks to all the members of Maximum Fun.
john
That's the juice! Take it from me. I tried pouring orange juice into the circuit breaker; it did not work. [Jesse laughs.] Turns out you need electricity that is purchasable with American cash. You know what else I need electricity for? To keep the lights on when I'm doing my cooking?
jesse
[Laughing] Uh-huh?
john
You know? I need—I need it to fire off that little—that little igniter on my gas stove. If I didn't have electricity, I couldn't use my Made In carbon steel pan! Which is only getting better and bet—it's become—you know how much I love cast iron, Jesse. You know it.
jesse
Yeah. Sure! Who doesn't?
john
I love my cast iron pans! But I find myself reaching more and more... for this carbon steel pan. It's a true utility pan that is just looking better, and cooking better. And also, I'm using my Made In, uh, tableware! My—my plates! My plates, and my side plates! This beautiful heavy china, made in England. Lovely plates. I just love 'em! They're everyday, but they're also... very gracious and stylish, and everything else. And if quality and craftsmanship like that are important to you, then I think you should check out Made In! It's a cookware and kitchenware brand. Did you know that? It's what I've been talking about!
jesse
Yeah. Pots, pans—
john
Yeah!
jesse
—wineglasses. And these are all, uh—you know, these are all professional-quality. They work directly with their sources to bring you professional-quality stuff at prices that you don't have to be a professional to justify. It's really nice stuff, made to last, has a lifetime guarantee. And all the cookware goes stovetop-to-oven, so, uh, if you're—wanna bake a frittata or something—
john
Yeah, right?
jesse
—you can go ahead and do it in there. No sweat.
john
Right?
jesse
And—here's the best part, John—right now, at this very moment, Made In is offering our listeners 15% off your first order with the promo code "JJHO." That's the best discount available anywhere online for Made In products. Just go to MadeInCookware.com/jjho, and use promo code "JJHO" for 15% off your first order.
jesse
We're also supported this week by the good folks at... Magic Spoon! You know, John?
john
Yes!
jesse
A lot of people out there are looking for ways to get a little more protein in their diets. That satisfying stuff that makes us feel like we've really eaten something.
john
It's a kind of—you know, they used to say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, that's not true if you're just eating a bowl of sugar.
jesse
That's correct.
john
But it's really true if you are—if you are having protein at the beginning of the day.
jesse
And goodness knows I need protein, John! I'm a muscleman.
john
[Stifles laughter.] Well, even if you're not a muscleman, protein is that slow-burning energy that gets your day started off right. And if you are looking for a new way to get some more protein with your breakfast... well, check out Magic Spoon!
jesse
Magic Spoon is—is pretty remarkable. Zero grams of sugar. Thirteen, fourteen grams of protein. Four net grams of carbs in each serving. Uh, it's not made of grain. It's gluten-free. It's soy-free. And it's really tasty!
john
And let me—let me make this perfectly clear to everyone listening: It's not a spoon. It's not a magic spoon.
jesse
No. No.
john
It's cereal!
jesse
This isn't a Strega Nona situation.
john
No! It's cereal! The magic—I mean, they call it Magic Spoon, but the magic's in the cereal. And by ma—[laughs]—by "magic" I mean... it's just really good cereal, made of really good stuff. And you can build your own box! You know, there all these available flavors you can use to build your very own custom bundle. Cocoa flavored, fruity flavored, frosted flavored. Peanut butter flavor! Mm!
jesse
That's my fave.
john
Blueberry, cinnamon, cookies and cream, maple waffle. Which is your favorite, Jesse?
jesse
I'm peanut bu—I'm all pea—I'm all peanut butter all the way. Peanut's my—peanut's my favorite. Just—just a little bit of sweetness.
john
Yeah.
jesse
A—a little bit of peanut-y, uh, peanut butter-y kind of saltiness. A lot of peanut flavor. Very tasty, and I like that when I eat it, I don't feel hungry right away afterwards like I do when I eat other breakfast cereals.
john
Yeah! You know me. I'm a savory guy, I'm not a sweet guy, so I love the peanut butter as well. And before there was Magic Spoon, what was I supposed to do? Take a whole package of Nutter Butter cookies and put them in milk? That's not good for me! That's not good for anybody.
jesse
No.
john
Magic Spoon is a lot better.
jesse
Yeah. Go to MagicSpoon.com/jjho to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today. And be sure to use our promo code "JJHO" at checkout to save $5 off your order!
john
And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product, it's backed with a 100% happiness guarantee! So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked. Remember, that's MagicSpoon.com/jjho. And use the code "JJHO" to save $5 off.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse
Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket. And, uh, John—[laughs]—
john
Yes.
jesse
This is a case that you put on the docket.
john
I personally selected it.
jesse
And this is a case from December 13th, 2011?
john
Yeah! I went back deep into the mailbag. For a segment I call, "Justice Delayed, Justice... Supplied, Eventually." [Stifles laughter.] And it's—it's one I've been thinking about for almost a full decade, I guess, and I am finally ready to rule on this important case.
jesse
It comes from Amy in San Francisco. Or at least Amy who lived in San Francisco ten years ago. As a native San Franciscan, I can tell you that 3% of the San Franciscans who lived there ten years ago still live in San Francisco. [Laughs.]
john
Amy, wherever you are... let me know, and tell me where Theresa is, too.
jesse
"Please help my ex-boyfriend/current neighbor/best friend Charles and me settle a longstanding debate. I was raised in Rochester, New York. He comes from Cleveland. Three years ago, Charles made a dismissive comment insinuating that my Lake Ontario was the smallest of the Great Lakes. I corrected him, as I had always been told that Cleveland's Lake Erie was the runt of the lacustrine litter." [Both laugh quietly.]
john
This—Amy, you're getting a standing ovation from Judge John Hodgman for using the adjectival form of "lake," "lacustrine."
jesse
"By virtue of its shallowness."
john
Shallowness...
jesse
"We wagered one dollar on the outcome. Which is the least great lake?"
john
Well... Amy? Charles? I don't know— [Jesse is typing. John stifles laughter.] —if you are still neighbors, or even friends. But I guess you're still ex-partners. I'm sorry that it took me ten years to get around to this. But here we are, finally, settling it.
jesse
If you heard my typing, I went to an inflation calculator. That same dollar is now worth $1.22.
john
I'm glad you looked that up, Jesse, because I am going to award... one of you $1.22. But before that, Jesse, you know what time it is? It's time... for a Double Great Lakes Beach Report!
music
Cheerful, laidback music plays in the background.
jesse
Gosh. My goodness...
john
Jesse, you can take a walk around the block, or you can listen to this if you want. Ontario vs. Erie! Which lake is least great? Let's compare! Lake Ontario! Traditionally known as the smallest of the Greats, with a surface area of a mere—mere—7,340 square miles, as Amy points out it nonetheless beats Erie in depth several times over. Or as Amy put it in her letter: "Ontario could contain the volume of THREE Lake Eries! And still have room for a couple of Finger Lakes." She also says, quote: "I won't even address the issue of water residence time, as I believe I have made my point." End quote! Mic drop!
john
Alright, let's talk about it! Carved out of soft, Silurian-age rocks in the last ice age, Lake Ontario's shores shelter not only Rochester, New York—Amy's hometown—but of course, Toronto, Canada! Queen of the Golden Horseshoe! Over a quarter of Canada's population live within the Lake Ontario watershed! Over a quarter! That's 15 Canadians! And while Lake Ontario is small by surface area, its reach is far. For it is the lake effect snow of Lake Ontario that blankets the Tug Hill Plateau of Northern New York. Tug Hill Plateau being famous for being one of the most snowed-upon places in North America, including the 1997 record for snowfall in New York State upon the Tug Hill town of Montague. Twenty-four hours of snowfall. How deep was it? Six-point-four feet in 24 hours of snow! The snow does get so deep on the Tug Hill Plateau that many winter camps are built there [stifles laughter] with a second front door leading to the second story of the house! They have two front doors! So when the snow gets too deep, you go in the top one! But remember, no matter what the locals say, it's not a plateau. It's technically a cuesta. Look it up.
john
But you're not here to hear about weak Silurian-age rocks, and cuestas! What about those incredible Ontarian beaches? Fans of the movie Resident Evil: Afterlife flock—I... presume?—to Sandbanks Provincial Park near Picton, Ontario, for that is where that particular 2010 entry into the Resident Evil franchise was filmed. Sandbanks offers not only some of the best sandy beaches in the province, but also the largest bay mouth barrier dune formations in the world! Which is a thing, I guess! But if you want the cool stuff, head to the islands. Specifically the Toronto Islands, a chain of islands nestled just off the shore of T-Dot, AKA The Six, AKA Hollywood North, AKA home of the place where I get No Name brand groceries, AKA Toronto. There on Toronto Island you'll find Hanlan's Point, the only legal clothing-optional beach in Canada outside of British Columbia. There are only two of 'em! One of 'em's right there, in Lake Ontario. Hanlan's Point was also the site of the city's first gay pride celebration in 1971.
john
Uh, facing southwest from the mainland, the water is welcoming and clear, as are the crowds. Welcoming men, women, none of the above, and families alike. Although, [stifles laughter] there is a movement to make a portion of the beach, uh, nude-mandatory! Because too many clothed people have been hanging around the clothing-optional beach. Knock it off, you clothed creeps! Get naked and have fun! By the way, Jesse. You know what they have on Wards Island? That's just a few hops away on the Toronto Island chain?
jesse
I don't know.
john
Toronto Island Park Disc Golf Course! [Both laugh.]
jesse
Imagine taking a ferry to frolf.
john
It's a world-class 18-hole disc golf course located there, set on the western side of Wards Island. The course, quote, "offers a picturesque view of the Toronto skyline... and was one of 12-time PDGA World Champion Ken Climo's favorite courses."
jesse
"Are you tired of regional-class frolfing?"
john
"World-class frolfing awaits you on Lake Ontario! But please note! Clothing is retired on the course." I'll be honest with you, Jesse. The US side of Lake Ontario? It's kind of a bust. Not a lot of fun going on there. You got, like, uh, Southwick Beach State Park. So this one used to have a lot of attractions and a rollercoaster; it was known as the Coney Island of Northern New York, but that all ended. And now it's just a general state park offering swimming, camping, fishing... and, uh—and a sandy beach! But watch out. Troy B gave this state park... only one star on Google. Do you know why? One-star review on Google. Do you know why?
jesse
I don't know, John.
john
Three words: "Too many explosions." [Beat.] Don't know what that means. [Stifles laughter.] But what about Lake Erie? Cleveland's own Lake Erie. Third-largest metro area in the Great Lakes after Chicago and Detroit. Plus Lake Erie, the shores of Lake Erie, is the home of Toledo! Where I once got trapped in an elevator. And to which I will never return. Lake Erie is the shallowest of the Great Lakes. Two hundred and ten feet deep at its deepest! That means it's first to warm up, sometimes to 85 degrees, and also first to freeze! Most of its beach-time action traditionally has been in wintertime, including ice-fishing, ice-boating, and literally driving to Canada across the frozen lake in cars that didn't have doors or roofs on them, in case they fell through the ice, so that people could escape. Don't do this. Not—certainly not now, 'cause I don't think it freezes over that much. Certainly not then, either. While it is smallest by volume and also younger than Lake Ontario—and yes, Amy, you're right. It has the shortest average water residence time of any of the Great Lakes, fully replacing its full volume in water every 2.6 years.
john
It nonetheless boasts A) the scariest names of any of the lakes, "Erie (eerie)." As well as a very scary thing: A lake monster! 1990, reports flooded in—I guess there were five of them—of people seeing a large creature moving in the water about a thousand feet from their boat, described as black in color and about 35 feet long, with a snake-like head, and it moved as fast as a boat. There is not only a lake monster in Lake Erie, but a hockey team named for this lake monster. It's a minor league hockey team. Good luck Cleveland Monsters; get back to me when you're extinct. But besides monster hunting, what else is there to do? Once again, head to the islands! In Lake Erie, you have Kelleys Island, which offers beach lounging, hiking, biking, and viewing the deep glacial grooves. Pelee Island! Home to a—a unique ecosystem, with plants rarely found in Canada, such as wild hyacinth and yellow horse gentian. Plus two endangered species you can spot there on Pelee Island: the blue racer, and the Lake Erie Water Snake! There are only 12,000 left in the world; go see 'em! And then of course South Bass Island, featuring the island village of the incredibly named town, Put-in-Bay, Ohio! So-called "Key West of the North," it's a village located on South Bass Island in Ottawa County, Ohio, 35 miles east of Toledo, eughhhh.
john
But even so, check it out. You can go there and go fishing. You can go ice-fishing. You can go boating. You can rent golf carts, 'cause they don't really have cars there. You can go nightclubbing at the Green Room at Mr. Ed's, or poolside partying at the Commodore Resort, home of Ohio's only swim-up bar? I'm going to say yes! But. Its beach is garbage. Just mud. It looks terrible. [Stifles laughter.] Fear not, Erie Lake-ians! You're just a 20-minute ferry ride... from Cedar Point Beach! Cedar Point Beach, a mile-long beach for swimming, jet-skiing, parasailing, or just relaxing. Says reviewer Dave Brown on Google, "Three stars. It looks like dirt! But it's really soft sand, and clean." But this is not just the coast, everybody. Jesse Thorn, this coast of Lake Erie, do you know what it's called?
jesse
I don't know, John.
john
America's roller coast! [Stifles laughter.] Because of course you know... that Cedar Point is also the rollercoaster capital of North America! Huge amusement park! Home to 17 of some of the most highest-ranked rollercoasters in the world, including the all-wooden Blue Streak, built in 1964, and the latest, Steel Vengeance, the tallest and fastest hybrid wood-and-steel rollercoaster in the world when it opened in 2018, topping the list of many rollercoaster enthusiasts' faves! But then when you're done with the thrills, return by ferry to Put-in-Bay. Where you may reflect quietly within Crystal Cave, the world's largest walk-through celestite geode! Discovered in 1887 and now on the grounds of the Heineman Winery, the Crystal Cave is covered throughout with extremely large tabular crystals identified as celestine, which as you know is a form of strontium sulfite. The original cave was much smaller, but it's been enlarged, because much of the celestine was mined in the past. For the manufacturing of what? Red fireworks! They produce the color red in pyrotechnics. But that's all over now! Take heart, Troy B. On Lake Erie beaches at least, there are no explosions. So! There you go, Jesse Thorn. Lake Ontario vs. Lake Erie. Which of these two lakes is least great?
john
Well, I think both lakes and their beaches have a lot to offer. A lot more than I expected. Myself, I think it sounds like Lake Erie... is a little bit more wild fun. Lake Ontario seems a little bit cooler. But that's not what we're here to decide. Which is bigger? Do we judge by surface area, or by depth? Now, when I said that the Lake Huron/Lake Michigan lake system—because they are hydrologically speaking the same lake—is the largest of the Great Lakes when you combine them... many people were very angry at me. Because they pointed out that Lake Superior, which is the largest by surface area, is also the largest by volume, and—and dwarfs them both. And I never really thought about the volume issue. And here it is, ten years after it was brought to my very inbox! Perhaps my obsession has been growing ever since this December 2011 letter from Amy, disputing with her friend Charles over this issue. Is it surface area? Or is it depth? Here at the Judge John Hodgman podcast... I think that we try to plumb the surface, and get to the depths of a conflict. And therefore, I must value depth over surface area. Lake Ontario, you have been maligned. You are the smallest by surface area, but you are so substantially deeper than Lake Erie that you are, indeed, greater.
john
And I apologize to Charles, and all Clevelanders and their monsters, but Lake Erie... That shal—Little Shallowy, as I like to call it—is the least great lake. Amy, you get $1.22.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
john
This concludes your Great Lakes Beach Report. Only one more to go, Jesse! I gotta find a case that pertains to Lake Superior, and then this is all over. [Music fades out.] After the break, we'll be back with more Judge John Hodgman. And kids? Stick around, 'cause we're gonna be talking about farts.
jesse
It's Judge John Hodgman, the alpha of the lacustrine litter!
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
promo
Music: Cheerful acoustic guitar. John Moe: Look, it’s a rough world out there, especially lately. I get it. So, let’s take care of our minds as best we can. I’m John Moe, host of Depresh Mode with John Moe. Every week, I talk with comedians, actors, writers, musicians, doctors, therapists, and everyday folks about the obstacles that our world and our brains throw in front of us. Depression, anxiety, traumatic stress, all those mental health challenges that are way more common and more treatable than you might think. Patton Oswald: The first time I went to therapy, I was so ashamed, and I was like, “I can’t believe I gotta go into therapy. Like, I thought I could be a man. And Humphrey Bogart was never in therapy!” And then my dad said, “Yeah, but he smoked a carton of cigarettes a day.” John Moe: Give your mind a break, give yourself a break, and join me for Depresh Mode with John Moe. [Music fades out.]
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse
Judge Hodgman, we're taking a quick break from clearing the docket. Let's talk about what we have going on! Besides just preparing for my mom to visit for Thanksgiving.
john
Yeahhh. I'm—my main plug this week is to grant anyone who needs it permission from me to skip Thanksgiving. I wish I could, but I can't. But you do have the permission of this court to skip it if it's not for you this year. Or do something else! Other than the traditional Thanksgiving. But if you are getting together with your families, um, my recommendation is to try to have a good time. Be thankful for whatcha got. And if anybody starts talking politics, speak your values. Don't be quiet. If someone says something bad, you say something good. Meanwhile, I'll say it again: David Rees and I are working on a secret project. I wish I could tell you about it. I really, really do. At some point I'm gonna ask you to help us get the word out. But in the meantime, please be quiet about it. Also, Books Are Magic is selling all kinds of books. They're there in Cobble Hill. Two of the books they're selling are Vacationland and Medallion Status. Um, this may be the last week that I'll be available to go and sign them, or personalize them for you, if you wanna get them for a holiday gift for somebody. The last week for me only because I'm—I'm—I would be nervous about getting things in the mail, uh, this year in particular, and getting them to your loved ones in a timely fashion if you're shipping them.
john
Just call up Books Are Magic. Go to BooksAreMagic.com. You can request a personalization or a signed copy. I will go in and take care of that for you, and then they will ship them to wherever you want in the United States... and I don't think they can go anywhere else beyond that! Meanwhile, Jesse Thorn, what's happening in your neck of the woods of the future?
jesse
Well, it's the holiday season, so I'm gonna go ahead and plug the Put This On Shop. My antiques and vintage store, which is online at PutThisOnShop.com. There are a million special treasures in that store for you, and for the person who is on your list. Um... I'm a ring guy now, John. I don't know if you know about being a ring guy.
john
Oh, I know rings. They're cool. That's how Duke Leto Atreides marks his seal in the movie Dune to show that he has received the commission to take over the planet Arrakis, in the movie Dune.
jesse
We've got some really cool rings in the Put This On Shop right now, that are—I'm gonna be frank—suitable for a—uh, suitable for a gentleman, but also probably suitable for a lady! I know a lot of ladies who like to wear a—uh, what they call a statement accessory. We've also got a bunch of cool things like, uh, chenille letter patches that you could put on one of your pieces of clothing. You know, the kind that are on a—like a letterman's jacket?
john
Well, speaking of, uh, athletics, there're—you have these vintage college football team charms. For only $20. I hope no one is looking for Yale, 'cause I just put that one in my cart. [Jesse laughs, John stifles laughter.] But—
jesse
It is really cool. Those are probably, uh—uh, 85, hundred years old.
john
Really? They're incredible! I'm—I can't wait. I—I don't care anything about football, but these are things of beauty. So, uh, you can give a little something to a friend of yours! Maybe someone who went to, uh—uh, PITT! Or, uh—
jesse
Harvard, PITT, University of California, Navy, Army, Michigan—
crosstalk
Jesse: Tulane— John: Tulane!
jesse
—Alabama, Cornell, TCU, Yale, SMU, Notre Dame, University of Minnesota, Colgate, Perdue, UCLA, or USC!
john
Yeah! Go ahead and send someone a charm. They'll find it charming.
jesse
[Laughs.] Anyway, it's at PutThisOnShop.com, and you can use the code "Vintage Justice" for free shipping in the United States on almost everything in the store. Let's get back!
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse
Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Here is a case from Paige in Ohio: "My wife insists that I need to apologize for passing gas any time she can hear it. I have no problem apologizing if she, or someone else, is in the same room as me. But I think it's unfair to make me apologize if I'm alone in another room, especially the bathroom! My wife says my flatulence is 'very gross' and 'louder than usual,' and if she can hear it in the next room, I need to apologize."
john
Mm. Remember how I said a few weeks ago that we were on the boardwalk in Ocean City, New Jersey, and our daughter pointed at a T-shirt for sale that said "Farter of the Year"?
jesse
Yeah, I remember that. She was suggesting that the T-shirt might be suitable for you.
john
Yeah.
jesse
Her father.
john
Yeah. And she said this to her mother. My wife, who is also a whole human being in her own right.
jesse
Yeah.
john
Not to me. To my wife. She said, "We should get that for Dad." And you know what my wife said?
jesse
What'd she say?
john
"You're right."
jesse
Wow.
john
She confirmed it. I am Farter of the Year.
jesse
Brutal. Wow.
john
I didn't know that these two thought I was Farter of the Year. But it made me really thoughtful about my farting. And I realize now that... sometimes I fart loud. I get it. Family? Hodgman family? I apologize. I can't control it. And I also know that it's impossible that they cannot hear me. [Stifles laughter.] They have to be able to hear me in the bathroom. They have to! I mean, we—we all—you know, we live in a—we live in a—in a... apartment in Brooklyn. And we each have little individual cells in which we sleep, but mostly it's just one big room. Kitchen, living room, you've been there. It's a lovely apartment.
jesse
Yeah.
john
I love it. It's a great apartment for two adults and two small children. And it's a great apartment for two adults. But it is not a great apartment for four... effective human adults to live in together. It's a little bit close. And you can hear—like, I can—when I—when I'm in the bathroom, like, I can hear our son watching Parks and Recreation. You know what I'm saying? And I'm as far away from that TV as I can get.
jesse
Yeah.
john
And he's not blasting it. So when I'm blasting it, I know they can hear it. I know they can hear it. And it's really upsetting to me. The only time that I feel comfortable farting now in my house, since the Farter of the Year incident, is when—and I'm sorry, love of my love. When I—when I can hear through the bathroom door that my wife, who is a whole human being in her own right, is snoring, loudly, which she does—so do I—then I can fart to my heart's content. [Jesse snorts.] Now. To their credit, this has clearly been going on for years. And only because I overheard this "Farter of the Year" T-shirt comment did it become clear to me that they—they had known this... I mean, for—for our daughter, her whole life! It's really embarrassing, it's really humiliating, and I apologize. I will—I will—I promise that I will endeavor to only fart when you snore, people in my house. But in the meantime, do I have anything to apologize for? I—it's gotta happen! What am I gonna do? I mean, I will say, "Pardon me." I don't fart in front of other people. I don't—I take that business elsewhere. I've never gotten comfortable farting in front of—you know, even the person in my life who's closest to me! I don't just sit around farting in the house. And I never would. And if something happened where I couldn't control it, I would say, "Oh my god, that's so embarrassing. I'm sorry." But I believe that there is a deal that happens when we close the bathroom door. And I believe that it's a deal that our family has honored for lo these many years—even though I know now that I can hear them, and they can hear me—which is that we pretend that we can't hear each other.
john
You know, there's a book called Everybody Poops! By a great author and illustrator, Shinta Chō. It's been out for years and years and years. And then there's also a book called The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts, by the same author. And these are things that happen. And we... should forgive each other, and our loved ones, and ourselves! I'm not happy about the volume of my farts. You know what I mean? [Stifles laughter.] Because it's not surface area that you measure with farts, it's volume. And I apologize. But. To Paige in Ohio? Maybe even Toledo, Ohio? You deserve the illusion of privacy when you go into your bathroom. And Paige's wife in Ohio? If you hear Paige farting, think of something else. That's her business in there. Not yours. She doesn't need to apologize to you, or to the air. No matter how she's—badly she's stunk it up. Am I right, or am I wrong, Jesse?
jesse
Yeah. I mean, I question your premise that you can't control your farts. I think we have a lot more... fart control than you're suggesting. But—and I do believe in my heart that were I to fart so loud in another room that someone I care about could hear it through the walls, I would apologize. Or excuse myself. However, I also agree—
john
Well, excuuuuuse me!
jesse
[Laughs.] That's what I would say. "EXCUUUUUSE ME!" [Blows a raspberry.]
john
I also say "excuse me" because Everybody Poops is by Tarō Gomi, not Shinta Chō. Shinta Chō did write The Gas We Pass. So I apologize for that. Don't write me letters. But go on, Jesse.
jesse
However, I can't agree with you enough about... the suspension of disbelief, the veil of honor, that is that doorjamb—
john
Right.
jesse
—that stands between the bathroom and the rest of the home.
john
Right.
jesse
Whatever may escape in the concrete world dissipates in the world of the mind. And that is the very basis of having intimate family relationships within the home. Because otherwise, we are nothing more than fart and poop bags. And simply maintaining familial love would be a challenge.
john
Yeah.
jesse
We simply block... all activities in that room out. And you know, the same applies... to stink left behind!
john
Yeah!
jesse
If there's stink in there, you're the one that went in there! It's your job to pretend it doesn't exist, or address it so that you can pretend it doesn't exist.
john
The veil of honor! I believe we have a title for this episode.
jesse
Yeah.
john
Unless you think fo something better, Jennifer. Always, always picks great titles, Jennifer Marmor does. So... it's up to you, of course. But please. Respect the veil of honor, even in Toledo.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
jesse
Would you like to read this letter, John?
john
Yeah. We got a letter. Sooo, you know we were talking about fancy ducks the other—what a delightful time we had talking about fancy ducks. I just—
jesse
Yeah. I actually was listening to that episode in the car.
john
Yeah.
jesse
Just a little quality check. You know.
john
Yeah.
jesse
You gotta air check once in a while.
john
Sure, exactly!
jesse
My kids were in the car. They desperately needed to see these ducks and geese. So I—I pulled up the Judge John Hodgman Instagram at a stoplight. [Laughs.]
john
Yeah.
jesse
That was the level of priority. [Laughs.]
john
[Chuckles.] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The—it was a—what they call a driveway moment!
jesse
Yeah.
john
Yeah. Absolutely. If you haven't checked out these—the fanciest ducks—and the fanciest geese! On the Judge John Hodgman Instagram account, get thee! Get your ducks in a row and go over there! Instagram.com/judgejohnhodgman! But one listener wrote in to talk to us about a very special fancy duck. Hannah wrote: "One—" And I quote now. Listener Hannah says, quote: "One type of fancy duck that we did not mention is the crested duck. This breed features a fluffy mop of feathers on top of its head, and it has been a popular pet since the 17th century. But the crested duck is a challenging breed. The crest is a result of a genetic skull mutation, which often includes a—what's termed a 'fat body' that can put pressure on the duck's brain and cause neurological issues. And depending on the size of the crest, these ducks can end up with a lifetime of problems," she says, "including seizures, blindness, deafness, motor function issues, low weight, and a condition called wet feather, which is when the duck cannot preen properly and stay waterproof." And I looked this up, and it's absolutely true, and certain crested ducks—they get knocked over, they can't get back up again, because they have neurological issues because of this pressure on their brain and neck that is caused by the crest itself.
john
Hannah continues: "I was unaware of these issues when I got my white crested duckling, named Pippy. Though Pippy had some close calls as a baby duck, and is now blind and dead on one side, she is nonetheless happily living her best ducky life, and here are some pictures." And we will put these pictures of Pippy up on the Instagram. And this is a very—a very beautiful ruff of feathers atop Pippy's head. And a very beautiful duck, crest or no. Would you not agree, Jesse?
jesse
I agree entirely. And as someone with neurological issues myself, uh, I—I sympathize with Pippy's situation. I hope she doesn't suffer from Duck Migraine.
john
So Han—I—I agree. But Pippy has a really nice little—looks like a little, uh, autumnal leaf?
jesse
[Laughing] Yeah. It is pretty good.
john
In her crest? And it's very dashing—yeah.
jesse
You got—you gotta love it when a—[laughing]—when a—when an otherwise dignified animal has a leaf attached to their head, and they don't know. Happens to my dog sometimes; it's great.
john
[Laughs.] That's fantastic. Hannah continues: "I write to caution any would-be duck owners to avoid purchasing a duck with a crest! If you want to give a crested duck a home, the best way to do this is to adopt an adult duck from a local farm animal or waterfowl rescue." Thank you very much, Hannah! And for those of you who are thinking of adopting ducks as pets—maybe watching videos of ducks is fine, but if you're really gonna just adopt a duck as a pet—I've always wanted to have a duck as a pet. And I've never done it. But, uh, according eFowl—[stifles laughter]—dot com, the top four ducks for pets are: Pekin ducks. Calm, sociable, very adaptable. Unable to fly. Easy to purchase. Good layer. Cons: Unexciting coloration. Can be loud. Rouen ducks. Beautiful feather coloration. Calm, sociable. Too large to fly. Cons: They're very heavy. [Jesse laughs quietly, John stifles laughter.] Can have a cumbersome stature. [Jesse laughs harder.] Cayuga ducks—! [Laughs.]
john
Pros: Iridescent plumage. Great stature. Very quiet. Cayuga cons: Can be harder to find. And of course four—I don't know why this is not number one—buff ducks! [Jesse laughs.] Come on! They're buff! [Laughs.] I mean, they're not just incredibly jacked and muscular. They also have a beautiful golden buff plumage. And the only cons is they're too popular! But I'll tell you what, Jesse Thorn. My mom—who is no longer alive—always wanted to get a small flock for her home in Western Massachusetts. Of what she called "upright-walking ducks."
jesse
[Chuckling] Uh-huh.
john
Which are—[stifles laughter]—which are actually called Indian Runner ducks. And you'll understand when I put this—Jesse, can you see 'em?
jesse
[Laughing] Yeah. They're real long ducks!
john
[Laughing] They are—[stifling laughter]—they're really long ducks! And they stand right up!
jesse
Yeah! They look like meerkats.
john
Yeah, they're like meerkats! And guess what? They don't waddle, they run. They will follow you around the house, 'cause they love you. And here—[laughs]—and here's the best—here's the best part! Only the females quack. [Jesse chuckles.] The drakes, according to Wikipedia, are limited to a hoarse whisper. [Giggles.] [Whispering hoarsely] "Hello!" That's what my duck is gonna say to me when I wake up in the morning! He's following me around the house. [Whispering hoarsely] "Hello, John. Can you hear me? I am a Runner duck." Or else just—
jesse
[Whispering hoarsely] "When that hotline bling, it can only mean one thing." [John laughs.] That's when "drakes" are limited to a hoarse whisper, John.
john
Ohhh! I see what you did!
jesse
Yeah.
john
Hey, everybody. I really wanna get some upright ducks. But you know what? I can't keep a bunch of upright ducks in Brooklyn. Or in Maine. You gotta have a farm. You gotta have a pond. Be a responsible pet owner, and don't just grab a bunch of animals that you don't know how to take care of. There are videos of these animals! Go watch some Indian Runner ducks run! Oh, they're so much fun! Someday—someday I'll have them. But for now, I remain... purely... un-ducked. [Jesse laughs.] Get your—and also get yourself a responsible duck guy, [laughing] if you're gonna investigate buying a duck.
jesse
Well, especially for those buff ducks.
john
Yeah.
jesse
You gotta have a professional buff the ducks once you put on the carnauba wax.
john
Well, I don't know—I don't know how much I feel about—how I feel about this eFowl.com, because they are connecting you with responsible duck... people, it would seem. But their primary goal is, "How can you up your influencer Instagram numbers by showing off chickens?" So I don't— [Jesse cracks up.] I'm not sure how I feel about this website. You can check it out. But this is not an endorsement. I think—I think their recommendations of top four pet ducks were pretty good, but they left off Indian Runner duck. That's my complaint for now. That's all I got for you.
jesse
The docket's clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our producer is Jennifer Marmor. Our editor is Valerie Moffat. Follow us on Twitter at @JesseThorn and @hodgman. We're on Instagram at @judgejohnhodgman, where you can see some of these very long ducks. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman Tweets #JJHo, and check out the Maximum Fun subreddit. That is at MaximumFun.Reddit.com. You know, uh, we got a new... animal show on Maximum Fun! A great show that Judge John Hodgman listeners might enjoy! Maybe they'll do a duck episode!
john
What's it called? Can I Pet Your Duck?
jesse
It's called Just the Zoo of Us.
john
Oh!
jesse
It—it is an animal rating program. [Laughs.]
john
[Stifling laughter] Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Automatic subscribe.
jesse
It's appropriate for families.
john
Yep.
jesse
It's appropriate for families. My children really enjoy it a lot, 'cause they like to learn about animals, and then find out how they rate compared to other animals.
john
Will they find an all-time best animal? Eventually?
jesse
Well, that was—[stifles laughter]—that was something we did in, like, the first 18 months of Jordan, Jesse, Go!
john
[Laughing] Oh, okay. What was your all-time best animal on JJGo?
jesse
Monkey.
john
Yeah. It's hard to beat monkey.
jesse
Yeah. Anyway, uh, [stifles laughter] check out Just the Zoo of Us and, uh, submit your Judge John Hodgman cases at MaximumFun.org/jjho or email hodgman@maximumfun.org. We love to get your cases! MaximumFun.org/jjho. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
sound effect
[Three gavel bangs.]
john
Hey, everybody! A special, secret, uh, post-credits sequence here. I promised you I would tell you what the brand of this chore coat was— [John suddenly sounds like he's struggling.] —and I'm trying to take it off while also ta-alking to you, and now—oogh, now I got a cramp, taking this thing off. I hope this is worth it. A legitimate cramp, Jennifer Marmor. And now it's stuck on my chair?! Okay. Universal Overall of Chicago. Made in the USA. Union-made, sanforized, 100% cotton, and I really like it a lot. I found it on Etsy. I bet you—I think they have some more sizes, too. You can go check it out if you want. Universal Overall. If you know anything about that company in Chicago, the history of that company, let me know, 'cause I really like this chore coat. Okay, that's it! [Very fast] Talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast!
music
A cheerful ukulele chord.
speaker 2
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
Artist owned—
speaker 4
—audience supported.
About the show
Have your pressing issues decided by Famous Minor Television Personality John Hodgman, Certified Judge. If you’d like John Hodgman to solve your pressing issue, please contact us HERE.
Follow @judgejohnhodgman on Instagram to view evidence from the cases tried in court.
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@judgejohnhodgmanPeople
How to listen
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