TRANSCRIPT Judge John Hodgman Ep. 520: The Party Kitchen

Salads, kitchen congregating, dirty spoons, covering your partner’s eyes during scary movies, and a new JJHo segment: RUDY’S PLACE!

Podcast: Judge John Hodgman

Episode number: 520

Transcript

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[Three gavel bangs.]

jesse thorn

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorn. We're in chambers this week to clear the docket. And with me, as always, is a man with justice in his veins, Judge John Hodgman.

john hodgman

[Laughs.] It's not just justice in my veins, Jesse. Uh, it's—[stifles laughter]—it's blood. And I know that because months ago— [Both laugh quietly.] —before we had vaccines, and I was doing due diligence and getting periodically checked for COVID. Negative every time I'm glad to say, very lucky. One point they said, "Do you wanna get the antibody test? The blood test to see if you have developed the antibodies for COVID. 'Cause it might indicate that you may have had it... or it might indicate nothing. We really don't know, actually." And I'm like, "If it's a needle, stick it in me. I'm in a doctor's office. This is what I do." And so I said, "Sure." And they drew my blood. And they said, "Okay," and we took the COVID test, "and we will call you if there's a problem. If you don't have COVID, you'll get an email. If you have COVID, we'll call you." So sure enough, couple days later, I miss this call from the lab. And they're like, "You have to call us back right away." And I'm like, "Oh, I can't believe that it's happened finally."

john

And I call, and my heart is racing. I'm like, "This is—I can't—I—I've tried so hard to not get it, and now I have it." And after being on hold for like 25 minutes, they get on. They're like, "Oh no, you don't have COVID." I'm like, "Well, why were you calling me?!" And they said, "Oh. We couldn't test your blood." [Jesse laughs, John stifles laughter.] "The lab refused to test your blood due to lipidosis." And I'm like "What's lipidosis?!" And they said, "High content of fat in your blood." And I'm like, "Alright, that tracks. That tracks."

jesse

Yeah. Yeah.

john

"I've just basically been eating butter and mayonnaise for the past several months."

jesse

So, wait. They refused it on principle? [Stifles laughter.]

john

The lab looked at my fatty blood and said, "No."

jesse

"Eugh."

john

"Get that guy to get his triglycerides down, and then come back."

jesse

[Stifling laughter] "Get this guy some Drano. Let's clear this thing out!"

john

Yeah! Yeah, but let me tell you something. I'm more active now.

jesse

Mm-hm.

john

I'm—I'm rejoining the world, as we all are, as safely and responsibly as we can. I'm very excited. My heart's—my heart is thumping for a new reason, Jesse.

jesse

Mm-hm. What's that?

john

'Cause I'm very excited, 'cause we have a new segment on the show.

jesse

Really!

john

Yeah.

jesse

I didn't know that.

john

Yeah. Stay tuned 'til the end, everybody, for our new segment, Rudy's Place. [Jesse laughs, John stifles laughter.] You remember Rudy, Jesse?

jesse

Sure, of course I remember! Rudy was the dad who pitched a—an app where there's a virtual bar, where you can, uh, buy people drinks!

john

Terrible idea for an app. Listeners have been writing in, trying to—[stifles laughter]—trying to, uh, stress test that app, and make it work. No one can figure out how to make that app work. I'm sorry, Rudy.

jesse

Yeah.

john

Rudy was on the show a couple weeks ago, in litigation with his son Patrick, who just wanted his dad to stop talking about this terrible app. But during the conversation, we learned a lot about Rudy. We learned that Rudy—this dad—first of all, lives on a road called Big Toad Road, which is the greatest. [Stifles laughter.]

jesse

Yeah.

john

Hates the Internet. Also hates sharks. Also hates megayachts. [Jesse laughs quietly.] And there's one thing he hates above all other things. And we're gonna hear about that later on in the episode in a new segment called... Rudy's Place. But meanwhile! What else we got?

jesse

Well, I've been stress testing an app.

john

Yeah?

jesse

Mozzarella sticks.

john

[Snorts.] Go on.

jesse

[Stifling laughter] That's all—that's all I got.

john

Oh, I gotcha. [Both laugh.]

jesse

Here's a case from Jillian in Plainview, New York: "Hi there, Judge. I'm currently sitting with my parents, enjoying some lunch. My mom took out a bowl of lettuce with some croutons and shredded cheese, and said, 'A Caesar salad without the dressing has, like, no fat!' She then proceeded to eat. it. dry."

john

Mmm-hm...

jesse

"I had to take a picture of the evidence so you can see, because I do not think this can be called a salad. I was hoping you could rule on this sad excuse for a lunch."

john

[Sighs/laughs.] This is a—this is a, uh, a non-visual medium. But luckily we do have an Instagram account over there at Instagram.com/judgejohnhodgman, where you can see the photo that Jillian from Plainview sent in of her mom's... [stifling laughter] her mom's contemporary take on a Caesar salad.

jesse

Yeah. It's a fresh twist on an old classic.

john

They say before you take a bite of something, you eat first with your eyes. [Beat.] And I am currently vomiting first, with tears. This is a very sad— [Both laugh.]

jesse

[Laughing] It's a—it's an emetic experience, looking at this salad.

john

It's a sad-looking salad. Basically, Jillian is asking a question. Which I don't think is being asked in good faith, 'cause I think she mainly wants us to make fun of her mom.

jesse

Yeah. And mission accomplished! Her mom earned it!

john

[Laughs quietly.] Can this be called a salad, Jesse? What we're looking at here is a clear plastic bowl full of chopped up hearts of romaine, sprinkled with some... shredded cheese. I guess that's gotta be shredded parmesan cheese, right?

jesse

Yeah, I think that's what—gotta be what that is. And I see a crouton here! So there must have been croutons in the dish.

john

Or maybe it's one of those single-crouton Caesars.

jesse

Yeah. [Both laugh.]

john

Or maybe there's one big crouton buried under the salad. That is something I would be really interested in.

jesse

Yeah.

john

A gi—a Caesar salad with one giant crouton?

jesse

Like those kits that you give kids where, uh, they get a little spoon and they get to scrape away until they find a fake dinosaur bone?

john

Yeah! Exa—oh, ho ho. An archaeological dig?

jesse

Yeah.

john

For a crouton in the shape of a dinosaur bone? Come on!

jesse

Yeah, I think that would be fun. I—here's the thing, John.

john

Go ahead, please.

jesse

I'm glad to make fun of Jillian's mom. Just as I'm glad to make fun of my own mother-in-law.

john

Mm.

jesse

Who is one of the most wonderful people I've ever known in my life.

john

Mm-hm.

jesse

A kind, loving, decent, caring person to her very core... who also has a nervous stomach and eats salads with no dressing. [Laughs.]

john

Alright!

jesse

[Laughing] And I truly—it upsets me so deeply every time! And I love my mother-in-law so much! She's such a wonderful person. [Recovers from laughter.] But I've figured out that if I just put a little dressing on her salad, she will eat it out of politeness. And I don't know whether that—[stifles laughter]—I honestly don't know whether I'm torturing her by doing this. I haven't noticed if I am. Uh, but I—like, I'll just put a little bit. Just so it tastes like something. Just to separate her—[laughs]—like, the emotional element from the physical element. Or whatever. And I will just put a little drizzle on there.

john

Just a little—just a little driz.

jesse

Just so it's something. 'Cause otherwise it's just a lettuce pile! Also—

john

Yes.

jesse

—Jillian's mom is completely wrong about there not being any fat if you don't put any dressing on it! [Stifling laughter] What do you think parmesan cheese and croutons are made of?

john

That's right. I mean, it—it's gonna be dramatically lower in fat than if it's dressed.

jesse

That's true.

john

But first of all, this is definitely—it cannot be called a Caesar salad, because it's got no anchovies in it. It's got no 'choves. It's got no egg yolk. It's got no lemon juice. I'm sure there's black pepper in there. But those—that's—that's the tang. That 'chovy tang.

jesse

I don't think—I don't think there's black pepper in here.

john

You think not? It's—

jesse

No, it's—look at it; it's bright green. It's—it's throughout, bright green. There—it's unspeckled.

john

It's low-sodium, low-pepper, as well? Don't worry if you're trying to manage your pepper intake.

jesse

I mean, look! If we're gonna critique what we would do with this salad, you could—you—without—if the goal is not to add fat, you could put some pepper and lemon juice on there! Get a little closer.

john

Yes. Now—you know what, Jesse? You're right. Now I'm gonna say this. We've had some fun at Jillian's mom's expense.

jesse

Yeah.

john

But Jillian's mom, you like what you like. If you love... just a lettuce pile with some shredded cheese on it— [Jesse laughs quietly.] —and what looks to be a single crouton of normal size, go for it! Absolutely.

jesse

Yeah. If you wanna eat bunny-style, eat bunny-style!

john

I would agree that—I was trying to find the phrase that would describe what this is, 'cause it is not, to my mind, either a Caesar salad nor... a salad. It is a lettuce pile, basically. It is a—it's a fluffy crudités. But I think that you really hit upon something there, Jesse. Which is if you are trying to... [stifles laughter] dress up your undressed salad, and you wanna get it as light as possible, a little lemon juice, a little vinegar, goes a long way! To making it salad-y. And carrying some of the spices that you might put on it, [stifling laughter] such as salt and pepper.

jesse

Mm-hm.

john

And making it—and making it adhere to your leaves in your lettuce. As long as there is some liquid component—or colloidal, if it's a creamy dressing—then you can call it a salad. But no, Jillian. That is not a salad. It should not be called a Caesar salad. It should be called... well, gosh, I don't know what your mom's name is. A Jillian's mom lettuce pile.

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[Three gavel bangs.]

john

And send me the dressing you're not using. Mail it to me. I'll eat it! [Jesse laughs.] I'll eat it out of the Fedex envelope, I don't care!

jesse

[Laughs.] Tyvek holds it in.

john

That's right.

jesse

[Stifles laughter.] Here's something from John in Brighton, Massachusetts: "My siblings and I live in four different cities across North America."

john

Well, well, well!

jesse

"It's rare for us to all get together, so when we do, we like to stay up late talking. This is especially true when we return to our parents' house in Wisconsin. Because their kitchen is perfectly suited for such hangouts. It has a fully stocked fridge, drinks, comfortable chairs, and so forth. However, the kitchen happens to be right below my parents' bedroom, and they say we're disrupting their sleep. My father will come downstairs and tell us to move to some other part of the house, even though that completely kills the vibe of our joyful meetup. We're doing our best to keep the volume down, but his policy is zero tolerance. We ask the court to order our parents to allow us to hang out in the kitchen throughout the night."

john

Jesse, we haven't had... parties lately.

jesse

That's true.

john

I mean, even—even before this time of social isolation. I was not—I had given up on hosting, uh, parties at my house. 'Cause I'm not a child. You know what I mean?

jesse

Right. Yeah.

john

When was the last time you had a party at your house?

jesse

No idea.

john

Never. Right?

jesse

I don't think—I literally don't think I've ever had a party at my house. [Pause.] Oh! That's not true! I had a birthday party.

john

Oh, yeah?

jesse

When I turned... 30.

john

Right. And were people indoors?

jesse

No, they were in my back yard.

john

Oh, there you go. That's what you get in Los Angeles. In New York City, when you're—when you're turning 30 years old... or you're—or—or it's a Thursday. You have people over to your apartment to hang out and eat pizza, and have a refreshing beverage. And I'm sure you've experienced this. It's a cliché to say: All parties end up in the kitchen. That's just where it happens! You can put your mozzarella sticks, and your other stress test apps, out on a tray in the living room. Try to get—or try to steer people—what am I talking about? In New York City there is no living rooms. [Stifling laughter] Trying to steer people into the sleeping nook, or whatever.

jesse

Yeah, you—you're talking about the office, Murphy bed, uh, television room.

john

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But everyone's gonna party in the kitchen. That's where the party is! It's always where the party is. And for obvious reasons, as John points out! That's where the drinks are. That's where the tile is, so the voices bang. It has some acoustic properties that make it sound and feel like a party, 'cause your voice is banging off that backsplash! You got access to drinks, snacks, all the—all the lettuce piles you might want, and obviously, obviously, [stifles laughter] that's where all of the comfy chairs are! Now, you made an edit on the fly, Jesse. You changed John's letter from saying—to "comfortable" chairs from what he wrote, which was, "That's where the comfy chairs are." And I was like, "What are you even talking about, John in Brighton, Massachusetts?" Comfy chair—? Like, do you have—

jesse

There's BarcaLoungers in this kitchen!

john

—BarcaLoungers? [Laughs.]

jesse

There's beanbag chairs in here! In the kitchen's conversation pit.

john

Yeah! That's—that's the one part of this that does not track for me, John. I don't know what kind of wingback leather armchairs you have out there in your Wisconsin kitchen. But it's still the case that hanging out in the kitchen is one of the best things you can do when you're allowed to be inside with people you care about, and that you are willing to breathe on and be breathed on by. Especially siblings. Now, I'm an only child. But I know this feeling! When I was young, and my—all of my friends from high school were scattered to the winds, and we would come back over the summer from our respective learning institutions, we would all go to Christine's kitchen, and hang out there! We told so many stories, we had such a good time, and guess who—and part of the fun was... that every now and then, Christine's mom would wander in and raise an eyebrow at us, and just drop a withering bon mot. Just such a funny lady. Wonderful person. And Christine's dad was—[stifles laughter]—sitting in the room adjacent to the kitchen, with a pipe and a glass of whiskey, screaming at— [Jesse snorts, John stifles laughter.] —the television. Some Betamax recording he had of the movie Grand Prix. 'Cause he was a car fanatic. Is a car fanatic, I should say. An old racing car fanatic. It was terrific! It was a very lively scene! It was like Rudy's Place in real life! Where everybody knows your name.

john

And the thing of it is that her mom and dad loved for us to be around. Because we were incredible! [Laughs.] We—[laughs]—we were all nice kids! Who were hanging around. And by this time we were probably having an adult beverage. I think we were of age, but certainly, you know. And we weren't in trouble anywhere—anyplace. Like... They liked us hanging around because I think we were reasonably good company, we were amusing to them, her father could yell at me to get a haircut, and it was amusing to me. It was a nice feeling! Now. There is a person who is living in my house who is attending a college outside of our house. And she has just come back. And did I mind that she stayed up late in the living room, long after I went to bed, playing Animal Crossing? Of course I did, 'cause she was messing up my character. [Both laugh.] She was messing up my island! [Laughs.] I don't know, I've been working hard on that island! I had to get into Animal Crossing finally, for a secret project that David Rees and I are working on, you'll—and I have some news about that later. And of course she wasn't making any noise, but I was so happy that she was there!

john

You know, I gotta come down pretty hard on your dad, John. 'Cause I don't get what the problem is. If I had four kids who had grown up and moved to four different cities across North America—that's a brag, by the way, John. Boy oh boy, how cosmopolitan you all are. But obviously to some degree you've thrived, and are all presumably happy. You've moved to cities and made new lives for yourself, which I would be so happy about if I were your dad. And I would say that the fact that the four of you love each other, and are talking to each other, and want to talk to each other—that would make me so happy, as a dad. And to know that you were below me as I was going abed... You know, 'cause when I go to bed, what I do is I read. [Stifles laughter.] I don't read books anymore. I read AmITheAHole, a subreddit on Reddit. [Jesse laughs, John stifles laughter.] Which is the—just... tragic story after tragic story of broken families, and people who have gone no contact with their mothers, and mothers-in-law, and siblings, and whatever, because people have been terrible to each other. I'd be—I read that and I cry, but I would hear my children below me and know... they did okay! They're here, they're home, they're safe, I know where they are. They like each other. They will eventually go out into the world again and continue to thrive on their own. But I would love—that would be music to my ears to hear you guys talking, John.

john

Now, I normally am very supportive of dads annoying their children. And coming up with weird rules to bother them. Like, "You gotta be quiet in the kitchen." But no. The kitchen is where it's gonna happen, John! Frankly, most houses—if—you know, most—as I say, if you have the means, and you're in a married relationship or a long-term romantic relationship, the best thing to do is to not even share a bedroom, never mind a bed. Two separate bedrooms in a villa, connected by a reflecting pool. And I would add to that: two kitchens. One for cooking in, one where just the party goes. So, you know, John's dad, listen to me! You—you can't let this bother you! You gotta let these kids party in the kitchen! That's where the party is. Until you build a second party kitchen, or build your—or move your room, you're gonna have to listen to your children like each other, and enjoy each other's company. And if you can't take pleasure in that, I'm sorry! I think you should—I think you ought to reorganize your priorities, because they're gonna go away. And someday they're not gonna come back as often! As they grow older and have their own families.

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[Three gavel bangs.]

john

Whew! And if you can't get that together—John? You and your three siblings, you come party at my house. I'll be away. [Laughs.] Whoa. What am I offering? This guy's in Brighton. He's not that far away; he's in Brighton, Massachusetts; he might come. He and his three siblings might come and party in my kitchen, and I don't have—I only have one floor, Jesse! I don't have—[sighs]. Uh, tell you what. We'll do it virtual. [Stifles laughter.] You and your three siblings will have a Zoom, a catch-up Zoom, and I'll just hang around there. And listen to you. Music to my ears.

jesse

What do you think are the four cities?

john

The four cities? Alright.

jesse

Yeah.

john

Well, I know one of them—

jesse

Brighton, Massachusetts is one of them.

john

I know one of them is Brighton, Massachusetts. [Pause.] [John exhales a thoughtful raspberry.] Brighton, Massachusetts is—[clears throat]—where the Bread & Circus All Natural Supermarket used to be—it's now Whole Foods—and, uh, my wife worked at the fish counter there and served Steven Tyler. [Beat.] I'm just saying it's an incredible town, Brighton, Massachusetts. I'm gonna say one of them—

jesse

[Stifling laughter] Oh, it sounds great.

john

[Laughs.] I'm gonna say—[stifles laughter]—one of them is, ummm, Pittsburgh.

jesse

Mm-hm.

john

One of them is... probably another city in Wisconsin. I'm gonna say. 'Cause there's probably one sibling who didn't go that far afield. So maybe they're up in Madison? And then it's all North America, right?

jesse

Yeah.

john

So there could be someone in Canada, too.

jesse

Mm-hm.

john

I'm gonna give a shout-out to Regina, Saskatchewan.

jesse

Yeah, I've got—

john

It's one of the great overlooked provincial capitals.

jesse

I've got Brighton, Massachusetts.

john

Yeah.

jesse

Tuxtla Gutiérrez. In Oaxaca. Port-au-Prince, Haiti. And Winnipeg. [John laughs quietly, Jesse stifles laughter.] Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.

john

John! Set up the Zoom for your four siblings. I will drop in on it. Send me an invitation, and then I will—you can report to me, and I will report to Jesse, where—how close we got on our four cities guessing.

jesse

We're gonna take a quick break to hear from this week's partner. We'll be back on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

sound effect

[Three gavel bangs.]

jesse

As always, the Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. We're also grateful, this week, to have the support of Made In!

john

So Jesse, before I knew we were gonna be working with Made In at all—maybe a week before! Just by coincidence, I randomly got one of their catalogues, and all I—you know what I do with catalogues, Jesse. Recycle 'em.

jesse

Right in the blue bin.

john

There's nothing in there. Yeah.

jesse

Blegh.

john

Who cares? But I couldn't—I couldn't throw this thing away! Because these pots, these pans, uh, this cutlery, uh, these casseroles, this—the—these plates! They sell plates for eating off of that are so pretty to look at! So when they said, "Made In is interested in partnering with the show," I'm like, "Yes, please!" If quality and craftsmanship is important to you, you should check out Made In!

jesse

This is my absolute dream, John. All I want is to buy my kitchen goods direct from the... kitchen goods people. I want to go to the chef store and buy the plate that they have in a restaurant.

john

Yeah.

jesse

And pay the chef price! Not the normal person price. And that is the entire premise of Made In! Like, they make restaurant stuff, and they sell it to you, without the markup that you would get from buying it from one of those fancy foodstuff stores. That's what's so exciting to me about it. I got a carbon steel pan! I'm really exci—I've never had a carbon steel pan. I'm excited to give it a whirl.

john

I love a carbon steel pan. They have all kinds of different pans and knives. Their cookware distributes heat evenly, and can easily go from the stovetop to the oven. Their knives are fully forged, perfectly balanced, they stay sharp.

jesse

They sell seasoned carbon steel. One of the reasons—carbon steel is a lot like cast iron, but it is lighter-weight. A lot of people have a hard time managing cast iron, because it's so heavy. Carbon steel has many of the same properties, but is much lighter, but the—the tricky bit is, most carbon steel does not come seasoned, and so you have to go through ten thousand steps to season your carbon steel. They sell seasoned carbon steel! That has been seasoned for you, so all you have to do is maintain it. It's like all the—you know. All the non-stick properties, without the, um—

john

Yeah.

jesse

Without the weird chemicals.

john

I know...

jesse

And without all the weight!

john

I'm a cast iron guy! You know I've got my cast iron pans, little Gunky and Oldy.

jesse

[Stifling laughter] Mm-hm.

john

But I've got a carbon steel coming my way from Made In, too, and I cannot wait 'til it gets here. I'm so—it looks so pretty. And I didn't even know that it was pre-seasoned. That's incredible. I'm really looking forward to it. So—

jesse

Right now Made In is offering our listeners 15% off your first order with the promo code "JJHo." That is the best discount available anywhere online for Made In products!

john

So go to MadeInCookware.com/jjho, and use promo code "JJHo" for 15% off your first order.

jesse

That's MadeInCookware.com/jjho, and use the promo code "JJHo." We're also supported this week by Porter Road. You know, we have a MaxFun listener who actually posted on the Maximum Fun Reddit—

john

Yeah!

jesse

Porter Road started down the street from them, in Nashville. They know the guys that started it. [Stifles laughter.] It was their butcher shop! This is not, like, one of these conceived-for-the-Internet businesses. This was some dudes that loved meat, wanted to have sustainable high-quality meat for their neighborhood, and then they expanded to make it so that you can order meat from them online. I—they sent us some meat. It is really gorgeous. I had a gorgeous pork chop the other day.

john

Yeah, Jesse. You know, I am an omnivore. I eat meat. And like everyone who does, I would like to do so responsibly. As responsibly and as sustainably and as ethically as possible. And that's the mission of Porter Road! You know, James AKA Jaime, and Chris AKA The Wildcard, plus Tay-Tay and Kat down there in Nashville, started this company to find humanely and sustainably raised product, and to become butchers who ensure that nothing goes to waste. Porter Road started as a butcher shop in person in Nashville. They created their own meat-processing facility in order to make sure they could provide the product that they wanted themselves. And then recently, couple years ago, they expanded to become an online butcher shop that delivers high-quality meat directly to you, working with trusted local farmers to ensure that animals are raised humanely on pasture, with no added hormones or antibiotics.

jesse

All the beef is dry-aged. All the steaks and chops are hand-cut. This is stuff that you cannot get at the grocery store; it's genuinely special. It's not phony baloney. It's not a—a marketing pitch. It's real high-quality meat. You can either order it à la carte, or you can get subscription bundles that ship for free. And everything arrives fresh. It's not frozen.

john

Never frozen. Right.

jesse

Yeah. Never frozen. Right now Porter Road, offering our listeners $20 off your first order of $100 or more if you go to PorterRoad.com/jjho.

john

Go to PorterRoad.com/jjho for 20 bucks off your first order of $100 or more!

jesse

That's PorterRoad—P-O-R-T-E-R-R-O-A-D.com/jjho! It's really lovely stuff. I'm—I've been munching it. Yum num num num num.

john

Yum yum yum yum yum. Shout-out to Tay-Tay and Kat as well, down there in Nashville.

sound effect

[Three gavel bangs.]

jesse

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket, and we have a case here from Katelyn in Vancouver, British Columbia: "After we shared an ice cream sundae, my loving husband Trevor tapped my forehead with his soggy environmentally friendly wooden spoon. I said, 'Please don't tap my face with your soggy spoon.' To which he rep—" [Jesse laughs.] "To which he responded, 'Your forehead isn't part of your face!' He then proceeded to tap my face. I seek justice for Trevor telling me my forehead is not part of my face. I want him to pay damages by purchasing me a sundae of my choosing and delivering it to me in bed." [Pause.]

john

This one made me so mad I almost didn't include it.

jesse

Yeah?

john

And Katelyn? Trevor? Buckle up. Because—you know, there's a thing that I notice. You know my favorite book, AmITheAHole, on Reddit?

jesse

[Stifling laughter] Yes. The one—the one that you, uh, read yourself to sleep? Uh—

john

Yeah.

jesse

[Stifling laughter] So that you have nightmares of families breaking up?

john

That's right. I read myself to sleep in my own tears. In a bed of my own tears. That is to say, my eye vomit. The premise of the subreddit is that someone will write—will make a post, uh, to be viewed by the entire readership of the subreddit. Saying, "Hey! My name," for example, "is Trevor. And I was having an ice cream sundae with my wife. And I thought it would be funny after I finished it, to... tap her on the face with my dirty spoon. And when she expressed that she did not like that, [stifles laughter] and asked me not to tap her on the face again, I thought it would be even funnier for me to gaslight her. And say, 'Ah ah ah! Here's a loophole! The forehead is not part of the face.'" Which is obviously something—[stifles laughter]—everyone knows is not true. It's part of your face. "And then I, Trevor, thought it would be even triple funnier, now having demeaned her by touching her face without asking, in a—with a dirty spoon—to do it again, and objectively ignore her stated preferences. Am I the A-hole?" Now. There is a thing—that's how that subreddit works. And there's a common thing among the respondents, where someone expresses a question about their relationship with a partner, husband, wife, spouse of some kind. Life partner, whatever. And they will say, "Oh. Um—[stifles laughter]—divorce them immediately." [Jesse laughs, John stifles laughter.] There is a great rush to encourage people to divorce. To see red flags in behavior. Which is sometimes overstated! It's not always the case that when there is a disagreement between a couple who are living together and who love one another, that they should immediately divorce, and run away, and go no contact, as they say.

john

So I'm just gonna say to this: Trevor, in this situation, you are the A-hole. I am not going to rush—[stifles laughter]—to say that you should be divorced. But I hope you understood through my interpretation of what your post to AmITheAHole would sound like that what you did was really not cool. And Katelyn, I hope you understand through my reading of the same thing that you deserve not to be touched in the face with a dirty spoon if you don't feel like it! You know this. You said as much. And the only thing that worries me is that you don't come to me saying, "Judge John Hodgman, yell at my husband for me." You're getting that for free. You came to me asking me—[stifles laughter]—to tell Trevor that the forehead is part of the face. To prove—or disprove, rather—the completely bad faith, gaslight-y argument that he made that gave him loophole permission to ignore your wishes. Don't. Don't. I'll say it a third time. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to articulate here, but don't. Don't—[stifles laughter]—don't let Trevor set the terms. Don't come to me asking me to argue back Trevor's... goo-goo gaslight argument. If you can't do it, just come to me, and say, "Judge John Hodgman, yell at Trevor and tell him to stop doing this." And I'll do it! But also, you should do it. [Stifles laughter.]

sound effect

[Three gavel bangs.]

john

You should do it. You love each other. I'm—I know you do.

jesse

Here's a case from Lucien in St. Helena, California: "Picture this scene: You are on a couch with your partner, who is an amazing illustrator, watching an engaging movie. Suddenly, you can see that a gross scene is about to happen! Will it enrich the experience of the movie? Probably not. Is it likely gratuitous? Sure. But before you know it, a hand covers your eyes, and the voice behind it says, 'No, don't look!' You try to look around the hand, but it is very skillfully deployed."

john

Alright, I gotta—I gotta break in here just for a second to say: I think this is a Judge John Hodgman first.

jesse

Mm-hm?

john

To have—[laughs]—to have a complaint written in the second person.

jesse

Yeah.

john

That is a really wild literary choice. [Laughs.]

jesse

Yeah. [Chuckles.] This is like—uh, it's like interactive fiction or something.

john

Yeah.

jesse

[Stifling laughter] This is like a Return to Zork situation.

john

Yeah! Oh no, it's a choose-your-own adventure all of a sudden! I'm very excited, I'm very engaged! [Both chuckle.] Uh, very literary. Cool. Alright, let's hear some more.

jesse

"Now, I don't really mind too much."

john

Oh, now he—he switched it! To the first-person.

jesse

Mm-hm.

john

Alright. Bring it home!

jesse

"It's not like I'm in a hurry to see these gross scenes, but it still feels like I'm missing part of the movie. Is it weird that I wanna watch these scenes? I'm a poet, and my partner, Blair Nakamoto, is an amazing illustrator, so I find it odd we would censor any images at all. Please order Blair to stop covering my eyes."

john

Now, I felt funny about including this letter as well, Jesse, for—because this got—this—I mean, I'm not even sure this is a real—Blair should not be touching Lucien's face. And blocking his view of the movies without his consent, A. Same deal as before. But B, also, I—I feel like Lucien's just stirring up trouble here 'cause he just wants to buzzmarket his illustrator partner. Blair Nakamoto. He keeps talking about what a talented illustrator. And I don't normally, uh, smile upon this kind of buzzmarketing. But then I checked out Blair Nakamoto, Blair-Nakamoto, and she's great! She's a wonderful illustrator. A—an incredible collection of, uh, snow beasts. Check it out. Blair-Nakamoto. You know, and since Lucien is apparently a poet, he's gotta buzzmarket that illustrator bride. You know, you gotta. Where else is the money gonna come from? Good luck, Lucien. Do what—you gotta keep that hustle up.

jesse

Let's take a quick break. When we come back, [stifling laughter] it's time for our new segment, Rudy's Place.

sound effect

[Three gavel bangs.]

promo

Music: Mid-tempo, upbeat music. Jo Firestone: Hi, I'm Jo Firestone. Manolo Moreno: And I'm Manolo Moreno. Jo: And we host Dr. Gameshow—a podcast where listeners submit games and we play them regardless of quality, with a dozen listeners from around the world. Manolo: We’ve had folks call in from as far as Sweden, South Africa, and the Philippines. Jo: Here’s an example. This is a game we called “Zooey Deschanel”, where you turn a celebrity’s name into an animal pun. Do you have an example, Manolo? Manolo: Brad Gorilla Pitt. Jo: Oh, that’s a pun on gorilla pits? Manolo: Yep. Jo: [Doubtfully.] I don’t—that’s—

promo

Manolo: That’s Brad Pitt. Jo: Oh, okay. Manolo: That’s a high-quality game that you could expect. Jo: Yep! Dr. Gameshow has new episodes every other Wednesday, on Maximum Fun. Manolo: Check us out, please! [Music fades out.]

promo

Music: Light, rhythmic keyboard over drums plays in background. Tre’vell Anderson: Hey there, beautiful people! Did you hear that good, good news? Jarrett Hill: Something about the baby Jesus? Tre’vell: Mm! He’s coming back! Jarrett: Or... [Tre’vell laughs, Jarrett stifles laughter.] Jarrett: ...do you mean the fact that Apple Podcasts has named FANTI one of the best shows of 2020? Tre’vell: I mean, we already knew that we was hot stuff, but a little external validation never hurts. Okay? Jarrett: [Through laughter] Hosted by me, writer and journalist Jarrett Hill.

promo

Tre’vell: And me, the ebony enchantress myself— [Both laugh.] Tre’vell: —Tre’vell Anderson. Jarrett: FANTI is your home for complex conversations about the grey areas in our lives; the people, places, and things we’re huge fans of but got some anti feelings toward. Tre’vell: You name it, we FANTI it. Nobody’s off-limits. Jarrett: Check us out every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your slay-worthy audio. [Music ends.]

sound effect

[Three gavel bangs.]

jesse

Judge Hodgman, we're taking a quick break from clearing the docket. What have you got going on?

john

Well, Jesse, I recently received an electronic mail from our producer Jennifer Marmor, which is always a delight. Love to get emails from Jennifer Marmor.

jesse

Who doesn't?

john

Saying that she noticed that the Bell House in Brooklyn is starting to schedule some shows now. They've done in-person shows for a while outside. Uh, at—at—you know, with masks on, social distanced. But they're starting to do shows inside, with vaccinations. And would I feel comfortable starting to think about doing a live Judge John Hodgman show? And while I have nothing to announce yet, I will announce—rather than email Jennifer Marmor back, 'cause she's right here—and to tell you... I'm starting to feel comfortable thinking about a future in which we can go back and visit some of our favorite places, so long as the audience is vaccinated and feels comfortable, too! So... it's exciting! And definitely there are people who are doing shows at the Bell House right now, and I would please encourage you to check out the Bell House if you live in New York, and see if there's an outdoor show, or an indoor show with vaccinations, that catches your eye. You're not gonna get tickets to Michelle Buteau. She sold the—all those 35 shows out immediately, but they're—they've got some great people coming through. I know that our friend Rhea Butcher is doing some shows in DC. In fact, I believe they're doing shows, uh, on the fourth and fifth of this month of June! And all across the country, comedians and musicians and venues are starting to have these conversations, and figure out these solutions, and start getting us into rooms safely and responsible again to experience the true joy of live performance.

john

So whether it's the Bell House or its sibling operation here in Brooklyn, Union Hall, or whether it's your local coffee house or comedy club, or the State Theatre in Portland, or the Neptune Theatre in Seattle, or Thalia Hall in Chicago, or any of the places that you might have seen Judge John Hodgman live before, or any of the places in your town that do live performance, that have been struggling. Think about whether you're feeling ready to go back out there and support live performance, 'cause it's not—it's not just the economy, it's also joy. So that's what's going on with me. Check out what's going on live in your town. One other thing I'll mention, Jesse—this is just a recommendation, it's not a—it's not a plug, per se. But you know, one of my performing heroes, comedy heroes, person heroes, Charles Grodin passed away. And, uh... we watched Midnight Run again. Which is an incredible movie.

jesse

[Laughs quietly.] I was watching it last night, John.

john

[Laughing] Were you again?

jesse

Yeah.

jennifer marmor

I watched it over the weekend. [Jennifer and Jesse chuckle.]

john

The mo—the—oh, yeah! Hurray! Yeah, Midnight Run! Like, there are many, many great Charles Grodin performances to choose from. But that one is kind of sublime, the way he gets... cranky Robert De Niro to like him. And it's got the most un–Danny Elfman–esque Danny Elfman score I've ever heard in my life. Content warning: I don't think there's a single woman character with a speaking role in this movie. [Jesse and Jennifer laugh quietly, John stifles laughter.] I cannot think of one. But it's got a great performance by, uh, Joey Pants, Joey Pantoliano. And Yaphet Kotto is incredible in it.

jesse

Oh, Yaphet Kotto's alwa—I just love Yaphet Kotto.

john

Oh my goodness... Alonzo Mosely. So check out—but you know, there are lots of Charles Grodins! And the other one that we watched—this was the recommendation from our daughter who just came home from college. She's like, "You know what I wanna see? Great Muppet Caper." Hoo! And she broke it down for me. She's like, "The Muppet Movie is the best Muppet movie. Great Muppet Caper? The funniest." You remember? This is the one where Fozzie Bear and Kermit The Frog—[laughs]—claim to be identical twins? It's part of the plot—[laughs]—that Fozzie and Kermit are identical twins? And everyone accepts this? [Laughs.] [Through laughter] Kermit is sitting on a park bench! [Briefly recovers.] And I don't even know who it is—some human walks by through this park in London, [stifles laughter] with his daughter. And the daughter points at Kermit and goes, "Look, Dad. A bear!" [Laughs.] And the father goes, "No, darling. Bears wear hats." [John and Jesse laugh.] Anyway—that's not even a Charles Grodin bit.

jesse

Jen, do you have an all-time favorite Charles Grodin performance?

jennifer

His performance in Clifford.

jesse

Yeah, you're not wrong about that.

jennifer

Perfection.

jesse

Clifford is—Clifford is— [Jennifer stifles laughter, Jesse fails to.] —one of the most upsetting and amazing movies ever made. It's the—

john

That's the one where Martin Short plays a child?

jennifer

Yeah!

jesse

It's the Audition of comedies.

jennifer

Yeah. [John cracks up.] And Richard Kind plays his dad. And he's obsessed with this dinosaur theme park, and...

jesse

You know, our friend Tom Scharpling from The Best Show loves that movie so much that he—[stifling laughter] he bought an outfit that Martin Short wears as Clifford in the movie, and has it on display in his home.

john

Oh, like an actual—a—a prop from wardrobe?

jesse

Like a little boy suit—

john

Yeah.

jesse

[laughing] actually worn by Martin Short.

jennifer

Incredible.

john

He didn't recreate it; it had been used in the movie. That's incredible.

jesse

[Stifling laughter] Yeah. He bought a real—okay.

john

Yeah.

jesse

RIP Charles Grodin.

jennifer

Yeah.

jesse

Met him once, he was very nice.

john

Good job. Good job, Charles Grodin. Check out those things. What's going on with you, Jesse?

jesse

Oh, I was just taking a look—it's—I guess my Put This On Shop, which was created to sell things like, uh—well, we have, like, this beautiful set of glass table placards from the thirties.

john

Yeah.

jesse

Or like, we have this incredible, um—I guess it was probably a prize? Charm or necklace

john

Yeah.

jesse

—from the Chicagoland Music Festival of 1941.

john

Yeah.

jesse

For "Best Twirling Team."

john

Yeah!

jesse

These are the kind of things that I created the Put This On Shop to sell, but I basically just—[laughing] sell trading cards now.

john

Now you are a trading card mogul!

jesse

So I would ask you to go to PutThisOnShop.com. Uh, come for the ALF cards. Come for the California Raisins World Tour sticker cards. Buy yourself a Pee-wee's Playhouse Fun Pak. But then? Take a look at, say, some of the fine jewelry! Or, uh, buy yourself some cufflinks. Buy a—buy some cufflinks for someone who's planning to go out. Buy yourself one of these beautiful cuff bracelets made of old pennies. There's lots of beautiful things available in the Put This On Shop. But! We also have a blog at PutThisOn.com. Like, that the—where—[stifling laughter] where it started.

john

That's how it allll started.

jesse

It's mostly a blog, but we got a shop at PutThisOnShop.com. We'll be back in just a second on Judge John Hodgman.

sound effect

[Three gavel bangs.]

jesse

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Now, Judge Hodgman—[laughs]

john

Yes.

jesse

I've been led to believe by you that we have a new segment called Rudy's Place?

john

[Singing] Rudy's Place! It's the virtual hangout where you go to buy friends eBeers! Rudy's Place! No Internet, no yachts, no sharks invited, so have no fears! [Speaking] I'm gonna hit the high note now. [Singing, with an upwards key change in the middle of the first three lines, but not the last line] I'm gonna ride my horse down Big Toad Road! I'm gonna ride my horse down Big Toad Road! I'm gonna ride 'til I can't ride no more To Rudy's Plaaace! [Speaking] I changed the last note, so that makes it a fair use parody.

jesse

Yeah. I think that's how the law works.

john

Yeah! That's how the law works. I'm a fake Internet judge. And that's the theme song to Rudy's Place! [Stifles laughter.] Our new segment... based on Rudy's complaints. A dad on Big Toad Road. What's Rudy got for us this week, Jesse?

jesse

Uh, we have a letter from Rudy, writing to us from Rudy's Place: "At the risk of being the first person to go 0 for 2 on your show—" [Laughs.] "—I bring a case against my wife Mary. Mary loves glitter. It burrows into carpets and upholstery, and no amount of vacuuming can remove it all. It lies there until the angles are just right, then it sends a piercing light beam—" [John laughs.] "—into the eye, which shatters any stream of thought a person might have going! Glitter has a life cycle. It accumulates in large amounts over the holidays, then revisits on Valentine's Day, then assorted birthdays. At any time of year, it is a rare day when a sudden glitter beam doesn't leap out at me from a rug or couch. Mary is a very—[stifles laughter] festive and charismatic person. In Winnie-the-Pooh terms—"

john

Mm-hm.

jesse

"—she has a lot of Tigger in her." [Laughs.] "I am, you probably noticed, more of an Eeyore. I don't want to dampen her zest for life, but I argue she can still be festive without glitter. Signed, Rudy. PS, I should add that part of the evidence I present will be a photo of a Sherman tank, and it will be directly relevant to my case." [John and Jesse laugh. Someone claps.]

john

I asked Rudy to—[stifles laughter]—share the photo.

jesse

[Stifling laughter] Yeah?

john

And it is included here, and it will be on the show page at—Judge John Hodgman show page at MaximumFun.org, as well as our Instagram. Uh, Jesse, you have the photo there in front of you.

jesse

Yeah, [laughing] it appears to be a photograph of a Sherman tank.

john

It's definitely a photograph of a Sherman tank. [Both laugh.] I can't exactly—

jesse

That's what we—that's what we got here, John! [Both laugh.] I'm taking a look here at this photograph—

john

Yeah.

jesse

—it appears to be of a Sherman tank.

john

Seems to be a Sherman tank in a park—

jesse

That's what it looks like to me, yeah.

john

Yeah, and what—uhhh—it's hard for me to say, "Case closed." [Laughs.]

jesse

Yeah. [Laughs.]

john

This is not determinative evidence for me. [Laughs.]

jesse

No. No.

john

And I could've asked Rudy to explain—[laughs]—what this Sherman tank has to do with his hatred of glitter in the house.

jesse

I've heard of glitter bombs! Maybe this is related.

john

Yeah. You think this is a—a glitter tank? Or a T-shirt tank?

jesse

[Chuckling] Yeah. Either one.

john

[Stifles laughter.] Yeah. Maybe it's both. But I thought it would be a—and Rudy, um—you know, we have this new segment that is just for you. With this incredible theme song that is totally legal. So I recommend that you write me again, Rudy. And explain what this tank has to do with the glitter. In the mean time, listeners, if you have a guess how to solve the mystery of what a Sherman tank has to do with Rudy's... fear of glitter shining into his eyes from the carpet... go ahead and write me at hodgman@maximumfun.org, and we'll see if your answer matches Rudy's. And Rudy, when you answer? Well, then maybe I'll have a ruling for you. But until then... Rudy's Place is closed.

sound effect

[A single gavel bang.]

jesse

I... was taking my two younger children to the flea market recently. And we happened to go to a Westside Los Angeles gas station.

john

Yeah.

jesse

That had a collection of antique vehicles.

john

Hm!

jesse

There were old fire engines, and an ambulance. Sort of a vaguely Ghostbusters-y ambulance. And a few military vehicles as well. And now when I stop for gas while I'm driving around my four-year-old, Frankie—[stifles laughter]—Frankie yells at me because I'm not at the tank gas station. [Laughs.]

john

[Gasps.] No!

jesse

He's—[laughs]—Frankie just goes, "Where's a tank?!" [John cracks up.] "Dad! It's no tank!"

john

[Laughs.] Like he's worried—he's worried you may not have noticed, like it's an honest mistake. "Where's a tank?!"

jesse

Come on. Come on, Frankus.

john

Yeah.

jesse

It's all the way on the Westside! That's where it is, it's in freakin' Santa Monica or Culver City or something! I'm not—I live in—I live in East LA! I'm not going to West LA! That's the premise of living in LA! You either live in East LA or West LA.

john

Mm-hm.

jesse

I live in East LA. I go to Santa Monica once every six months! I don't even remember where the tank gas station is.

john

You gotta—where's you—what's your local gas station? Where's that?

jesse

My local gas station's on Figueroa. What I like about it is it used to be a Shell station.

john

Yeah.

jesse

You know Shell gas is really expensive?

john

Right.

jesse

Stopped being a Shell station. Now it's—[laughs]—it's a nothing station. Now it just has a giant Shell sign, but they took the shell out of it, so there's a shell-shaped hole. [Laughs.] But the gas got like $0.40 a gallon cheaper, so I am in.

john

Nice!

jesse

Yeah.

john

Yeah! What you do is... you—you, uh, you pass that savings along to Frankie. By buying a tank for that station.

jesse

Oh. Thank you. Yes.

john

You know what I mean?

jesse

Good thinking.

john

Yeah.

jesse

Do you think this Sherman tank might be available? It doesn't look like it's in use.

john

Probably—probably for sale. Probably for sale. Or get a big, uh—a big bag full of cheapo plastic toy tanks from a set of Army men.

jesse

Mm. Yeah.

john

And every time Frankie and you pull into that gas station and Frankie goes, "Where's a tank?!" Just give him a—give him a tank! And see what happens.

jesse

[Laughs.] John, do we have any letters from listeners?

john

We do, Jesse! Uh, Shawn wrote in from Westborough, Massachusetts. Now—Massachusetts is a commonwealth in New England, as you know, and I'm sure you're very familiar with the—with all the towns of Eastern Massachusetts.

jesse

Sorry, I'm kinda racking my brain here. I haven't heard of the area, but go ahead.

john

Well, alright, I understand. But you should probably know, surely, that Westborough is near Southborough, Massachusetts. It's, I think, to the—the northwest of Southborough, specifically. And Southborough, Massachusetts is where that Wendy's is that I like!

jesse

Mm-hm.

john

The one that—the one—[stifles laughter]—the one that seems, like, magical, and it has the best hamburger I ever ate, and it made me cry when I ate it— [Jesse laughs.] —and I was driving through—driving through eye vomit tears, of happiness for once. While clutching this hamburger.

jesse

I've—I've always known a Wendy's hamburger to be emetic. But, uh... [Both laugh.] ...not necessarily in that way.

john

And this is the thing! The—I'm not—and I've gone to other—I'm not saying that Wen—this is not—this show is not sponsored by Wendy's! I've had other Wendy's, and... no good! But the—time and again, Southborough! It's the one on Route 9, right near the Cumberland Farms. You know the one I'm talking about, everybody. Or at least Shawn does. Because Shawn's wife Stephanie works as a veterinarian near there, and sometimes he goes and drops off their daughter Alice to childcare near that Wendy's, and he decided to stop in at the Wendy's and investigate. And he went, and he interviewed the manager. [Stifles laughter.] Because he heard about it on the show! He wanted to know what made it so good. And he said—he writes: "I ended up speaking with Eileen, the manager, who enthusiastically informed me that most Wendy's restaurants use a DSG, which stands for double-sided grill." You knew that, of course.

jesse

Yeah.

john

"And she explained that the DSGs cook the burgers more quickly. But the trade-off is that they have a way of smushing it too much. In Southborough, the patties are hand-pressed on a regular grill. Needless to say, I savored my burger." So there's a substantive difference! I looked it up! I looked it up, Jesse. And indeed, you can find the manual for the Taylor Grill Company model C802 DSG, double-sided grill, online, directly scanned from the Wendy's Quality Supply Chain Co-Op Incorporated. This is the grill that they're supposed to be using up there in Southborough. And it's got a big old press on it. You know what I mean? Like a panini press. You put the patties on the grill, and you cook 'em on both sides at the same time. Smushes 'em too much, Jesse! That's what's happening! That's the genuine difference that I tasted, while crying, on my northward journey to Maine after I picked up this burger there! And now I'm conc—I'm really, really happy about this, 'cause I know that I'm not just imagining it. There is a quantifiable difference. And Eileen the manager is thinking outside the box and doing it their own way! Now I'm concerned that Shawn and I may have blown up Eileen's spot. Gonna get in trouble with Wendy's quality control. Gonna get their regular grill taken away. Did I mess it up, Jesse, do you think? I think I probably did... But I do appreciate Shawn for your work, and to resolve the dispute that you put in your postscript: It is wrong for Stephanie to support your daughter Alice's habit of using your own toothbrush, Shawn, and chewing on the bristles. You deserve your own toothbrush. But thank you for being a vet, Stephanie.

sound effect

[Three gavel bangs.]

jesse

The docket's clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our producer, the ever capable Jennifer Marmor. Follow us on Twitter at @JesseThorn and @hodgman. We're on Instagram at @judgejohnhodgman. We're also both individually on Instagram at @johnhodgman and @put.this.on. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman Tweets #JJHo! And let's talk about this week's episode in the Maximum Fun subreddit at MaximumFun.Reddit.com. You've been checking in there a fair amount, John! I see you answering questions and being friendly.

john

Yeah, I go in there! And I—I don't mix it up. I just answer questions! People have questions about stuff. I answer them.

jesse

Yeah. If you're gonna go to MaximumFun.Reddit.com to be mean about one of our litigants, we're gonna give you the boot. But if you're going there to chat and be friendly, be a nice person? Yeah, it's great. MaximumFun.Reddit.com. Submit your cases to Judge John Hodgman, 'cause we need 'em! MaximumFun.org/jjho! Or email hodgman@maximumfun.org. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

sound effect

[Three gavel bangs.]

john

Surprise! It's yet another post-credits sequence! Hi, it's your Judge John Hodgman. As you know, this is our private little club that we come to, those of us who are in the know. When you stick 'til the end of the credits, we have a little post-podcast, uh, audio cocktail together. Just kind of a little nightcap to the podcast, if you know what I mean. I'm wearing a smoking jacket, uh, and my other soft clothes. I hope you're comfortable. Because in this sequence of post-credits sequences, I'm spinning some tunes for you! You may recall we had a number of people writing in on a song prompt, to write a song in the style of the band Phish, about Gary Gygax, the inventor of Dungeons & Dragons, for a song that we call "Gygax Departs." We've heard from Bradley, and we've heard from David. Here's another David. This one's called Dave, Dave Rabenau, with his version of "Gygax Departs."

dave rabenau

[Guitar music.] [Singing] On a gray boat bound for glory Off to Elven Heaven Rolled an eleven-plus-a-modified-nine check against immortality We're still stuck in the Blood Rune, waiting for our chance to roll This life can take its toll But you can't spell "day by day" without D&D! So goodbye, Gary Gygax! And thank you for the game We're all just wizards and warriors waging one long campaign Goodbye, Gary Gygax! Your work was a work of art When we are out of hit points, then like Gygax, we depart Rangers and rogues and bards Sorcerers and thieves We all know what we need But it's so hard to find A trusted friend who will watch your back Check for hidden booby traps Hold your stuff in their rucksacks When the burden's too much to bear

dave

So goodbye, Gary Gygax! And thank you for the game We're all just wizards and warriors waging one long campaign Goodbye, Gary Gygax! Your work was a work of art When we are out of hit points, then like Gygax, we depart Objects moved around in my house, and they concluded I had a Bigfoot infestation! [Spoken] It's just transmutation magic. You gotta put your life in order. [Guitar music comes to a gradual stop... And then starts back up at full volume.] [Singing] Goodbye, Gary Gygax! And thank you for the game We're all just wizards and warriors waging one long campaign Goodbye, Gary Gygax! Your work was a work of art When we are out of hit points, then like Gygax, we depart When we are out of hit points, like Gygax, we depart... [Music ends.]

music

A cheerful ukulele chord.

speaker 1

MaximumFun.org.

speaker 2

Comedy and culture.

speaker 3

Artist owned—

speaker 4

—audience supported.

About the show

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