TRANSCRIPT Ep. 333: Wild Mountain Thyme

Transcript

dan
									
On this episode we discuss—Wild Mountain Thyme!
stuart
									
“Time?” repeated the Clock King. “Well, Bartman, you’ve got all the time in the world.” “Ay, caramba!” Exclaimed the Bartman, reaching for a Bartarang. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Okay. [Laughs.] You’re right. It was a hot one.
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
elliott
									
[Dan laughs.] It was a hot one. So was that read directly from a Simpsons story?
stuart
									
Yeah! It’s read from my Simpsons fanfic. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Okay. What’s interesting to me is just that Clock King is a real Batman villain, and yet somehow he’s fighting Bartman—a parody villain. A parody hero.
stuart
									
Elliott—Elliott, I— [Laughs.] I don’t wanna blow your hair back or nothing, but the world of fanfiction has a lot of strange mix-ups. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Okay. Fair point. Fair point.
dan
									
Okay. So this is called The Flop House. I’m Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
I’m Stuart Wellington.
elliott
									
I’m Elliott Kalan. This is a podcast. We talk about bad movies. But first! [Dan laughs.] Before we get into the meat of this ep—let me tell you. Are you excited by this episode, but you’d be even more excited if you saw us saying these things live in front of your face on your computer in real time as we say them?! Well, buckle up, Chuck, because it’s time to tell you the truth. This coming Saturday, February 6th—not this coming Saturday when this episode comes out. But February 6th! Saturday! 6PM Pacific/9PM Eastern. Or for people who are used to seeing it the other way, 9PM Eastern/6PM Pacific, Saturday, February 6th, we will be doing a live show. The livest of live shows. And we’re gonna be talking about—what’s this?—Teen Wolf. That’s right! The maybe most-requested movie that I can think of by Flop House fandom. Teen Wolf. It’s about Michael J. Fox when he was a teenager becoming a wolf basketball star and also almost getting the girl of his dreams? But he finds out that really his best friend was the girl of his dreams. And his dad is also a wolf. Teen Wolf. We’re gonna have presentations.
dan
									
[Through laughter] I like that you told them the whole story, so.
crosstalk
									
Dan: You don’t need to go. Elliott: Yep. So now you don’t have to tune in.
elliott
									
Anyway. That was our live show. [Dan laughs.] We’re gonna be—we’re also gonna have original presentations like we do at a regular live show. We’re gonna have some special-type things that we don’t usually do at live shows, but we’re adding for this show. We’re gonna have an audience Q&A where you get the chance to send in a question and we’ll answer it. And more! The price for all this? Is just $10! $10 is the access. One [singing] Alexander Hamilton! [Regular voice] Will get you the Flop House live show, Saturday, February 6th, at 9PM Eastern/6PM Pacific. Just go to www.TheFlopHouse.simpletix.com. That’s “simple”—like the word—and “tix”—T-I-X. www.TheFlopHouse.simpletix.com and you’ll buy not only a ticket to that live show, but just in case you can’t make it—because not everyone is available Saturday, February 6th, 9PM Eastern/6PM Pacific—you also will get access to one week’s worth of that video being archived and you being able to watch it whenever you want. You could watch it February 7th. That’s a Sunday. At twelve noon. You could watch it February 8th. That’s a Monday. At 6 in the morning! Whatever you wanna do, any time! Watch it a few times! Whatever you wanna do, within that week, you can. And all for the price of only ten little dollars. So that’s Saturday, February 6th, 9PM Eastern/6PM Pacific. We’re talking Teen Wolf. That’s right. All the stuff people love about Teen Wolf. Styles. Van surfing. That shot at the end where the guy puts his penis back in his pants— [Dan laughs.] —and they didn’t notice it and they released the movie anyway? It’s all gonna be in there. We’re gonna be giving you original presentations. Dan made a funny intermission thing. Audiences get the chance to ask questions. All this kind of stuff. $10. www.TheFlopHouse.simpletix.com. And I wanna make it clear—this is not for charity. This is for our greedy mitts. So you know what? Throw that money at us. This is not going to help anyone but us, but we need the help. It’s been a hard time.
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] I don’t… Alright. I think this has gone off the rails. Stuart: Y’know— Elliott: Saturday, February 6th, 9PM Eastern/6PM Pacific.
elliott
									
Www.TheFlopHouse.simpletix.com. Teen Wolf.
stuart
									
And y’know, there will probably be a time in the future when you’ll be able to see us in person and hand us your $10 in person and make eye contact the whole time so that we know for sure you’re the one who supported us? Or… maybe you just like the anonymity, y’know? Like, maybe you don’t want anyone to know that you’re spending money on a podcast like a bunch of idiots named Stuart, Dan, and Elliott.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Wait. Hold on.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Both of your sales pitches— Elliott: Wait—wait—you’re not idiots!
dan
									
—were good at the beginning and then they took a steep nosedive. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
Hey, look. Well maybe this will cinch the deal. I bought a special shirt for the show. And if you wanna see it, you’re gonna have to tune in.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Is it one of those that has a whole bunch of writing on it?
elliott
									
Uh, yeah. It’s one of those where it’s a whole bunch of writing in different fonts that talks about how crazy and wonderful my wife is. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Well I wanna thank the McElroys for having Lin Manuel Miranda come by and sing that one line from Hamilton, but we should probably get to the show—
stuart
									
Yeah. ‘Cause he’s there—they’re his agent, I guess?
dan
									
Yeah, they are. In this scenario. Look. This is not a show where we just plug other shows of ours. This is a show where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it. And hoo boy, we [through laughter] watched a movie of the moment. It’s called Wild Mountain Thyme.
elliott
									
Wait—how is it a movie of the moment, Dan? This is maybe the least relevant film in the history of filmmaking. [Dan laughs.] Considering I could not tell throughout most of it when it was taking place. Until they went to New York and I saw—oh, the modern day New York. I thought it was in the 1940s? ‘50s?
dan
									
Well no, they mention going to The Lion King before then. That’s when I was like, okay.
elliott
									
But even then, that could’ve been 20 years ago! It’s a long-running show. One of the longest-running shows on Broadway, if not the longest-running! Julie Taymor has done it again! The Lion King, on Broadway now!
dan
									
I didn’t mean that it speaks to our [through laughter] particular moment in culture. If anything, it is retrograde.
elliott
									
So it’s a movie of the moment in that it exists in this moment in time.
dan
									
It is the—it is the bad movie du jour, is what I would say. Like I feel like the most enthusiastic bad movie chatter on the internet I’ve heard of late has been around this movie. So I was delighted to check it out.
stuart
									
To show that we have our fucking fingers on the pulse, baby.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Mm-hm. So— Elliott: Yeah. And now I first heard of this movie— Stuart: Guys—
elliott
									
I wanna say I first heard of this movie a few months ago when the radio did a news story about how bad the accents in the movie were. [Dan laughs.] So that’s—it was a breaking national news story back when there was still room in the news for stories like that. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Well, this is a movie written and directed by John Patrick Shanley, who is a playwright of note. He did Doubt, among other things. He did the play that this is based on, which is like a four-person number that ran on Broadway.
stuart
									
You should say “hit play,” just to pump up the episode a little bit. So people get hyped.
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah. And I think a lot of people would know his work from Moonstruck, which—this is a pallid attempt to recreate the magic of. In many ways.
stuart
									
Or the screenplay for the movie Congo.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Or—or Joe Versus the Volcano. Dan: Or the screenplay for the movie We’re Back: A Dinosaur Story. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Which I was surprised to learn.
elliott
									
Well I mean [through laughter] there’s a lot of We’re Back in this. There’s a lot of We’re Back. Yeah. And he is a problematic figure for other reasons that we won’t get into here. But John Patrick Shanley—so this is somebody who has a mixed bag of work. Some of it—some of the highest heights. Some of it, some of the lowest lows. Dan, where does this one place?
dan
									
Well we’ll see. I could—I will say that him being a playwright sort of first makes me think that like I could see how this material would work better on the stage? But I think we’ll get to that.
stuart
									
What was the name of the play? What’s the name of the play it’s based on?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Mulligan [inaudible]. Elliott: It’s like, Outside Mullimagallicalgluggle.
elliott
									
It’s some—wait, hold on. Let me take a look. It is based on the play Outside Mullingar.
stuart
									
Okay.
elliott
									
Or Mule-ingar? Now, Dan—
stuart
									
But that doesn’t—that doesn’t work as like a pun ‘cause the character specifically has an herb name. There’s a character named Rosemary. That’s an herb. And thyme is an herb. So is there a character named “Sage”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —Or is there something sagely? Elliott: No, I think the pun is more about “time” and “thyme.”
elliott
									
Like thyme the herb and time the processing of moments.
elliott
									
Elliott: I don’t think “thyme” and “rosemary” are meant to be the puns. [Laughs.] Stuart: Do I not know what a pun is?
elliott
									
Now Dan, John Patrick Shanley directed the movie of Doubt. He wrote Moonstruck. It’s not like this is a playwright only who dabbled in film.
dan
									
No, he also directed Joe Versus the Volcano. But he’s done three movies as a director.
elliott
									
Well actually, that’s not—he not only directed, he was the lead attorney in the case Joe v. the Volcano. Which went to the Supreme Court. They found for the volcano.
dan
									
Anyway. Let’s get into this movie. ‘Cause it’s a wild one. So—
elliott
									
Dan, how would you rate the mountain thyme in this? Would you rate it as wild, mild— [Dan laughs.] —or unavailable at the moment?
dan
									
Lee Child. [Laughs.] Writer of the Jack Reacher novels. So—
elliott
									
Now, Dan it’s interesting—
dan
									
Oh god.
elliott
									
Now listeners, we’re gonna have a—sorry. I’m just gonna say, we’re gonna have an interesting take. I’m looking forward to hearing Dan’s take on this, because I found this movie not to be a wild one. I found it to be an exceedingly mild and dull movie. But Dan, you are so hopped up on it. I wanna see what you saw in it.
stuart
									
Yeah. And if this movie was a background level for the Street Fighter video game, it would be Guile Mountain Thyme. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Okay. Well thank god we circled back.
elliott
									
And if it was—wait. If it was a Hi-C—if it was a Ghostbusters tie-in Hi-C flavor, it would be Mild Wild Mountain Slime. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
If Dan’s getting frustrated now, oh boy, we just starting.
dan
									
Uh, so. The movie starts—well it starts with, y’know, three or four production logos, as all movies do these days.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh, three or four? Three or four dozen, Dan. Stuart: I think six.
elliott
									
There were a lot of production—
crosstalk
									
Dan: There’s a lot of ‘em. Elliott: —and each got—
elliott
									
Each getting cheaper looking as they go on. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
And we get a voiceover and I think to myself, “Is that Christopher Walken?” Sure is! Christopher Walken doing a bad Irish accent. Probably the worst of an uneven bunch.
stuart
									
What?!
dan
									
But I mean—y’know, he does a good job even though he doesn’t seem Irish at all. And he’s doing an intro, which is like a bunch of Irish blarney. Y’know. Just tossed together some Irish poems in a woodchipper and that’s what he’s—
elliott
									
He says at one point—he goes—he goes, “They say if an Irishman dies while telling a story, you know he’ll be back.” And I still don’t understand what he meant by that and it never comes up in the movie. So—but Dan, for you this was like, [purposefully bad Irish accent] “Ah! Ah! Glory McCree! This be like mother’s milk to me! Ah, my people speaking to me! My Irish eyes are smiling! Arr! Arr, matey! I be a pirate, too!” Is that how you felt watching it?
dan
									
Uh, I mean—so… my lineage from the name “McCoy,” there’s—I have an uncle who’s very obsessed with the idea that we are of Scots heritage. He—a lot of his identity is tied up in that. He has a kilt. He has a little Scotty dog. He has a—
stuart
									
Oh wow!
dan
									
All this stuff.
elliott
									
He’s gone all the way. He created a dog for it.
dan
									
I’ve never been convinced we’re necessarily Scottish? I don’t—I haven’t done the genealogy. It seems like maybe we’re Scots-Irish? It’s not important, but I did look at this opening and one thing you can say for this film—Ireland looks beautiful. You watch this movie in high def, you’re like, “I wanna go to Ireland.” That’s what I’ll say about that.
stuart
									
Yeah. You’re like, “Did I turn the green levels up on my TV too high?” [All laugh.]
dan
									
So Christopher Walken’s talking about a guy who loves to shoot crows—
elliott
									
Just classic Walken talkin’. That’s what we call it in the biz. [Laughs.]
dan
									
This guy who loves to shoot crows is Rosemary’s dad. Okay. We meet a young lad who will grow up to be Jamie Dornan from the Fifty Shades movies. And he’s allowed to have his Irish accent here, which improves his likability greatly. I’m still not sold on him? But this is the most I’ve thought he’s put in a good performance in something I’ve seen.
elliott
									
Mm, he was named one of the 25 biggest male models of all time by Vogue!
dan
									
Really?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yep. They call him “the golden torso.” Dan: I mean, he’s a good-looking man.
dan
									
We cannot deny that. But—
elliott
									
He’s playing a very different type of character than Christian Grey here. Wouldn’t you say? Although very similar, in some ways. He is not outwardly defined by his obsession with domination and sexual violence? But at the same time, he is a man who represses his feelings and doesn’t think himself worthy of love. So we’ll get into that.
dan
									
Yeah. So— [Stuart laughs.] —when he’s a young child—a young Jamie Dornan, I’ll call him. I’m gonna, y’know, generally talk to people—refer to people by their actor’s names? ‘Cause I think it’s easier to keep track of it that way. But he loves Fiona, another girl, who you think that we’ll maybe see again in the movie. We do not. She does not seem to figure into the plot as an adult person. But another child, Rosemary—who will grow up to be Emily Blunt—loves him.
stuart
									
Oh, yeah!
dan
									
And we see a scene where Fiona makes fun of young Jamie ‘cause he’s got something on his nose? I think some bee pollen, maybe?
elliott
									
He sticks his nose into a flower for reasons that will be revealed at the very end of the movie and are stupid. [Dan laughs.] And she—and so she tells him he looks ridiculous and makes fun.
dan
									
Elliott, let me just say that… until the end of the movie, you don’t know that’s something that needs to be explained.
crosstalk
									
Dan: ‘Cause people do smell flowers. Elliott: That’s true. Well there’s the thing—
elliott
									
There’s the thing that happens at the end of this movie which is so randomly inexplicable, and yet if it had happened at the beginning of the movie I would’ve been like, “Well, this is an interesting movie.” But instead it’s like they held it to the very end ‘cause the movie’s so sleepy that they’re like, “We gotta give it a shot of like vitamin B at the very end of this.”
dan
									
No, I agree with you there. We will get to that. But—so she makes fun of Jamie Dornan for having this stuff on his nose. Young Jamie Dornan. And that makes Rosemary attack Fiona and Anthony pushes her down to protect Fiona and like this—of course—heartbreaking for Rosemary ‘cause she likes him but he’s not seemingly interested. And she’s talking to her dad about it and she’s like, “I have no place in the world! Where’s the place for women?” Which doesn’t really figure in thematically with her, but.
elliott
									
No, there’s a lot—it feels like a play partly ‘cause there’s a lot of like, that faux kind of Irish poetical talk in it? And characters will be like, “Hey, what are you doing?” “I don’t know. Just leave me alone.” “Why not?” “Oh, it’s a good thing men are tall because they have to bear the weight of the goodness that women bring into the world.” And I was like, “What? Hold on a second.” [Dan laughs.] Like, there’s a lot of non sequitur aphorisms. And there’s one really good line in the whole movie that I really liked. So congratulations, John Patrick Shanley.
stuart
									
Let’s see if it’s the same line that I liked.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Oooh! Stuart: Well, y’know.
dan
									
Oh. Maybe it’s the same line I like! Who knows!
elliott
									
We’ll find out—after this! Hey!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I’m here to talk about the movie Wild Mountain Thyme. Dan: So we flash-forward to—
dan
									
We flash-forward from the childhood versions of our leads to—we see Emily Blunt, full-grown—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —still wearing the exact same clothes, only larger— Elliott: Well actually—Dan—wait, Dan— [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
I don’t know whether she had multiple outfits in different sizes as she grew or they just kept adding cloth to the old clothes?
elliott
									
That’s what they do in Ireland. The clothes grow with you. You get one set of clothes. Now Dan, one thing I wanna mention—‘cause it plays up later—her dad bucks up her spirit by playing Swan Lake on a record player and telling her “You’re the white swan.” So she identifies as that. But yeah. I have to assume that like they use a growth ray on the clothes so that they fit them later when they’re adults or something like that. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Otherwise they’d be like walking around like ripped-up Hulk clothes. And that would be crazy, right?
elliott
									
That would be nuts. Yeah. That’d be—who would do that? So it’s all in the— [Laughs.] It’s all in the movie Molly, I Unshrunk the Clothes.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Yep.
elliott
									
Which is—it’s starring Rick O’Moranis where he uses a growth ray to make the clothes bigger and everything’s fine ‘cause it means that they can wear them longer.
stuart
									
Y’know, maybe that’d just be really stylish. I mean, I don’t know. I’m kind of out of touch. I’m kind of a—I’m not, y’know, young and hip as I used to be.
elliott
									
Yeah, everyone’s still wearing those baggy pants, right?
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Uh-huh. Chain wallets. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. You don’t see a lot of that in the movie. A lot of chain wallets and baggy pants. But maybe.
stuart
									
Bowling shirts with flames on them? [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
So—so Dan. Emily Blunt. She’s Rosemary. What’s going on with her?
dan
									
Well, her father’s just passed away. We learn this—Jamie Dornan and Walken are talking about her dad dying. He was the crow guy, the guy who liked to shoot crows. And the mom is—
stuart
									
Uh-huh. And Christopher Walken is Jamie Dornan’s dad, right?
dan
									
Yes. And Emily Blunt’s mom comes in. She’s worried about what’s gonna happen to Rosemary.
elliott
									
Now—now Dan, this is a total waste of time. But do you think— [Dan laughs.] Do you think if Christopher Walken was ever on the West Wing, that director Tommy Schlamme would’ve had him do a Walken talkin’? [Laughs.]
dan
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Anyway, continue. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Thank you.
elliott
									
It’s a classic—Dan, it was a classic Tommy Schlamme walk’n’talkin’ joke. Anyway. Continue.
dan
									
Y’know, I appreciate that you warned me ahead of time that it was going to be a total waste of time ‘cause it did help me not get mad about it.
elliott
									
Oh good. Good. It helped you process it, that I was aware that I was wasting your time. So they’re worried about Rosemary, who is outside, smoking her dad’s pipe.
dan
									
Yes. ‘Cause this is Ireland [through laughter] and she does not smoke a cigarette. She smokes her dad’s pipe. But so Walken tells his son, Jamie Dornan, that he’s maybe not gonna get the farm when he dies. And the reason Walken gives at this point is that he takes after his mother’s side. He’s more of a Kelly, and the Kellys were crazy. But we learn soon after that this is obviously all bullshit. He’s actually concerned because Jamie doesn’t seem to have any interest in marrying, having kids, like continuing the family line for the farm. And I’m like, “Why does— [Laughs.] Why does Christopher Walken have to make up this bullshit reason rather than just say what he’s thinking?” Although the whole movie, I guess the point of it is—as it comes along—that the Irish are all emotionally repressed.
elliott
									
Yes. This is a movie where the only obstacle to any of them being happy is that they refuse to allow themselves to express emotions to each other. Until the last possible minute. Which maybe is Ireland! I’ve never been there. I’d love to go sometime. It looks beautiful. Big fan of Irish food. Big fan of Irish Setters. I love the way they set. They have a special way of setting in Ireland that they don’t do in other countries. If you look at like a Spanish Setter or like a German Setter or a Russian Setter? They just don’t set the same way that the Irish Setters do.
dan
									
No, they don’t set well.
elliott
									
But Dan, explain—this—I want you to get into the interesting stuff. Explain the frontage situation.
dan
									
The frontage?
elliott
									
With the two farms!
stuart
									
Yeah! It’s pretty important!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, yeah. Okay, well—I’m—I’m gonna get there in just a second. Stuart: Yeah, it’s pretty important! Elliott: It’s pretty—it’s both desperately important to the plot and incredibly boring and has no impact on anything.
dan
									
Before that, though, Jamie Dornan goes out and like they’re hanging out, him and Emily Blunt. And they have this exchange that I would like to say where Jamie goes, [With Irish accent] “Where do we go when we die? The sky?” And Emily Blunt goes, [without accent] “The ground.” [Through laughter] And then Jamie Dornan says, [with accent] “Then what’s the sky for?” [Dan laughs.] Which is a weird—it doesn’t quite— [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Well then she says—well I mean—but then she says, “For now.” That’s the point they’re trying to get at, is that they should be living for now and enjoying the beauty of the world. But I also liked that you did an Irish accent for Jamie Dornan but not for Emily Blunt.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Which was an interesting choice. Dan: No, I just—
dan
									
I just gave up on it.
elliott
									
[With Irish accent] “Where do we go when we die? Do we go to the sky?” [Without accent, but harshly.] “No.” [Dan laughs.] [With Irish accent] “Then where do we go?” [Sans accent, but harshly.] “The ground.”
dan
									
I do wanna say that “What’s the sky for?” Just reminded me of the classic Spies Like Us joke, “What’s a dick for?” “For peeing.” Anyway. So anyway. Let’s get to the weird driving element of the plot that doesn’t make any sense at all. So Christopher Walken wants to buy back the entrance to his farm. The frontage—a word that I didn’t know before Elliott said it. But where the gate is to his farm.
elliott
									
It’s his right of way. His farm cannot connect to the road. Instead there are these two gates that separate his property from this little patch of land that Rosemary’s dad owned and gave to Rosemary. And now Rosemary owns it and Christopher Walken wants to buy it so that his farm can go to the road and he doesn’t have to deal with these damn gates anymore! And I’m like, “Hey, man, look at what Christo did with the idea of gates. Gates can be really interesting. And Bill Gates was one of the richest men in the world! So maybe don’t look down your nose at gates, Mr. Christopher Walken.”
stuart
									
Yeah. And The Gate was an influential horror—Canadian horror movie!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Yeah, exactly.
stuart
									
Launched Stephen Dorff’s career!
dan
									
Yeah. But he’s basically just annoyed that he has to frequently—because this is Ireland—get out of his car in the rain, open these damn gates, to get into his own property. But the thing is, Rosemary owns this land because her dad gave it to her when she was ten because that’s where Jamie Dornan pushed her down [through laughter] and so this is some, like, weird—
stuart
									
Makes sense.
dan
									
—spite but also like romantic—I don’t know—like, statement? I don’t really—like—
elliott
									
It’s a—she is—has made—it’s sacred ground to her. Maybe because it’s where he touched her when he pushed her. But she has a long-running unrequited passion for him that verges on stalking. By this point.
dan
									
So we see her watching Jamie Dornan the next morning. He’s floating down the river in some kind of bucket raft and he’s swatting at bugs with an oar—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —and Blunt is like— Elliott: He’s doing his best to look like the guy on the cover of Flood by They Might be Giants.
dan
									
[Laughs.] Blunt is watching him, like, totally besotted, while she’s still being like, “What’s this guy’s deal?” And here’s the thing. Like, this movie tries to make out, like, Jamie Dornan is acting very strange the entire film. And we do learn that he has a strange secret at the end? But I’m watching it being like, “I guess he’s a little weird?” Like, he doesn’t seem to be doing anything that odd but everyone around him acts like he is the nuttiest guy in the world.
elliott
									
He’s just kind of a clumsy goofball who can’t really—he’s not super articulate. But everyone acts like he’s a madman. Y’know. Dan, you should also mention—she spent all night looking for her runaway horse. Right? Because she has—Rosemary has this horse that keeps breaking out of the pen, almost like a visual representation of her unrequited passion! But that would be crazy! But that would be too obvious! Who would do such a thing?! [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Do you think Jamie Dornan was like, “Okay. I gotta be whacky in this scene. I’ll part my hair slightly differently.” [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. So the two of them chat and he’s like, [with Irish accent] “This farm is a prison but there’s a green field that the animals living off of them.” And so he, like, doesn’t like to be a farmer, but he loves it, too? And he tells her to sell her farm and leave Ireland because it’s no place for a decent person? And I don’t understand—this is another thing throughout the movie. Is like trying to get her to get off this island and I don’t get what his deal is. Like—
elliott
									
So Dan, I’m gonna—oh, wait. You say what you’re gonna say and I’m gonna step in with my explanation. And let’s see if it’s true.
dan
									
Part of this movie that like—you say that you don’t understand why I thought it was so—such a corker. I—like, it does mostly all come at the—during the last like half hour? But also, throughout the movie I’m just like, “No one acts like this. There’s no one in this movie—” Like, later on there’s one person in the movie who acts like a human being that I could recognize? But like, the movie does not make everyone’s emotional motivations very clear? And in one case that’s like leading up to the surprise. But just in general I had a hard time understanding people’s relationships. Why they were doing the things they were doing. Why they cared so much about the things they cared about.
elliott
									
Well ‘cause it—the movie is—
dan
									
Where—like, how much time has passed at different points? Anyway.
elliott
									
Well I mean it’s very unclear—yeah—what era we’re in. What time has passed. Like, it’s the Ireland of the 1950s but they have like modern cars? But it is a—the reason that I didn’t find it a corker is it’s a very slow movie. It’s a very slow movie. But also, the characters are such, like, kind of folk Irish cartoons? Y’know? In a way that like—the characters, they don’t do realistic things. They do things that someone in a Guinness commercial would do. Or like a—y’know, a Waking Ned Divine-type movie would do. Or something like that. But if Waking Ned Divine was written by someone who desperately wanted to be, like… Neal McDonough or something like that. And it’s a—but it’s—there’s a glimpse of a really good movie in this. About depression. And about characters who are struggling with depression and feel like they are not capable of loving or being loved, or even of enjoying the things they genuinely enjoy, because of this, like… hereditary depression that they can’t control and they don’t really understand? That’s not this movie. This movie keeps hinting at that. Like, Christopher Walken will later—we’ll get to—gives a speech where he’s basically saying, “I suffered with crippling depression and then it was lifted from me someday and I became a better person.” But instead it becomes kind of an Irish mysticism thing of a song on the wind, y’know? But it’s like… that, I think, would’ve made this movie into something more understandable and believable. But instead it’s just a very slow movie where it’s like, “Y’know I—” Basically she keeps saying, “Hey, I like you.” And he’s like, “Mmm… I’m gonna refuse to understand that.” And she’s like, “Uh, okay, well then I’ll tell you something else that tells you that I like you.” And he’s like, “Mmm, well that’s impossible. So I’ll just keep doing this.” And everyone is like, [with Irish accent] “Look at that crazy person! Oh, he’s the eccentric of the moors!” or whatever it is. Dan, do they have moors in Ireland? I’ve never been there.
dan
									
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
elliott
									
Or do they only have fens? Do they have fens, or moors?
dan
									
Well—
stuart
									
What about bogs?
elliott
									
Yeah, what about bogs?
dan
									
Wait. Are fens and moors—is that a—are those synonyms, but moors are just in Scotland?
crosstalk
									
Dan: I think that they have moors in Ireland. Elliott: I don’t know. I don’t know what—
elliott
									
I don’t know what a “fen” is.
dan
									
Well Sherilyn Fenn, I’m familiar with her work.
elliott
									
Now what about shires? Now, do they have shires there or is that just a hobbit thing?
stuart
									
Oh yeah. No, everybody has those.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Now when they say the—when they say the— Dan: A fen is a marsh or a bog. So.
elliott
									
Oh, so very much not a moor. A moor is flat land.
dan
									
Mm-hm. With like scrub on it.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah, yeah. Like—yeah, DVD— Dan: And a lot of sheep, often.
elliott
									
DVD copies of Scrubs. The hit TV show.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh, okay. So Jamie Dornan takes it— Elliott: Do they have a lot of big waterfalls in Ireland?
elliott
									
Like, 50, 100, 200-foot-tall waterfalls?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, Dan. Dan: Uh…
dan
									
I think they have some waterfalls. I don’t think it’s like Iceland where there are waterfalls all over the place.
elliott
									
How about deserts? Are there any like big deserts or like desert canyons?
dan
									
I don’t think so. I mean, unless they’ve got some permafrost and it’s like technically a desert or something.
crosstalk
									
Dan: But can we get back to the— Elliott: Okay. What about, like, a volcano? Is there— [Laughs.] Stuart: Or like a plateau.
dan
									
So Jamie Dornan carefully takes a bee outside and—again—something that only becomes significant later. Won’t spoil it yet! But— [Laughs.] We were watching it like, “Is this like a ‘save the cat’ scenario? Like, we know that he’s good ‘cause he saves this bee?”
stuart
									
Do you think in the stage production they had a person in a bee costume— [Multiple people laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —on stage, and Jamie Dornan had like, giant foam hands to like… Dan: I hope so. They got the girl from the—from the music video. Yeah. Elliott: From the Blind Melon video. Yeah. They got the girl from the Blind Melon video. And that was when she stepped on— Stuart: Wow. That’s a big get.
elliott
									
When she stepped onstage, the audience went nuts. Like it was one of those things where they get applause just for appearing, y’know? Oh man. Now Dan, when you say it’s a ‘save the cat’ scenario, I never knew that the save the cat screenplay method was ‘make your hero likable by having them save a cat at the beginning of the movie.’ Is that what you’re saying it means?
dan
									
I believe that’s what it means! Are you not—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: That you—that you— Dan: Yeah!
elliott
									
That you should always have someone save a cat?
dan
									
Well not literally a cat, but show something like that early on to, like, get you sympathetic with them.
elliott
									
Well how come I’ve never seen a movie where someone saves a cat at the beginning?
dan
									
Yeah, ‘save the cat’ is the screenwriting rule that says the hero has to do something when we meet him so that we like him and want him to win. So… y’know. It’s—y’know.
stuart
									
What, like The Long Goodbye? The Long Goodbye saves a cat, right? [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Inside Llewyn Davis is [through laughter] all about trying to save the cat.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] I mean, that’s through the whole—I wonder if that’s when the Coen brothers were like, “We gotta really learn how to write screenplays. We gotta read this book.”
crosstalk
									
Dan: I mean, I wonder if that is the joke of it. What? Stuart: Wait—was that—was I right? [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Was I right? Did I remember The Long Goodbye correctly?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I don’t remember—yeah, there’s a cat. Right? Dan: There is a cat. He goes out—
dan
									
The cat is fussy. It only eats a certain kind of food. I think the cat ran away then because of the bad food.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Can we get back to— Elliott: Now, now, Dan—wait—but then—
elliott
									
In Batman Returns, the cats save Michelle Pfeiffer. So… why are the cats not the heroes of the movie?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: That’s actually a good point. Dan: I mean… good point. Good point.
stuart
									
And in Wonder Woman 1984, Kristen Wiig’s character is a cheetah person. That’s kind of a cat. So maybe Gal Gadot’s the hero because she saved—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —Kristen Wiig from a boring life. Dan: Gal Gadot is the hero. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
She is the titular Wonder Woman. Can we—so—
elliott
									
Dan, Dan. Dan, you can talk about her performance without talking about her body. Thank you very much. [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. The eponymous Wonder Woman. Elliott: Very—very—again!
elliott
									
Dan! Please! [Dan laughs.] Inappropriate!
dan
									
[Through laughter] So Christopher Walken gets a letter from his nephew in America. He doesn’t wanna read it in front of Jamie Dornan. There’s a blow-up. We don’t know what it’s about yet.
stuart
									
Maybe his readers are really weird looking and that’s why he didn’t wanna read the letter in front of him.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: His readers? Stuart: His glasses—
stuart
									
Yeah. His reading glasses.
elliott
									
Oh. I’ve never heard them referred to that before.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I’m learning a lot of terminology today! Yeah. I got “readers—" Stuart: Well, you don’t hang out with old people! Dan: So—
elliott
									
“Save the cat,” “fen;” this is a very educational episode for me.
dan
									
Jamie Dornan practices asking Emily to marry him. Rosemary-Emily. To a donkey. He’s practicing to a donkey. He’s saying these words to a donkey. He kneels in front of the donkey to ask it. And this old dude named Cleary is peeking over the wall. [Stuart laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, that guy’s awesome. Dan: Like the—like in—
dan
									
—The Simpsons, where Mr. Burns tries the pacifier and the paparazzo— [Elliott laughs.] —just goes, “What a scoop!” He goes, “Marrying a donkey, are ya? Ya are mad!” And Cleary, I guess, is the guy who goes around telling bad news to everyone ‘cause he tells Dornan that the farm is being sold to Walken’s nephew.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: In America. Stuart: And then he—then he like— Dan: And—
stuart
									
—runs off and Jamie Dornan chases him around ‘cause he’s like, “Don’t’ tell anyone about the donkey!” [Multiple people laugh.] Oh. Can’t put that genie back in the bottle! [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
So— [Multiple people laugh.] And I don’t know at this point, like, really what is keeping these two fuckers apart. ‘Cause I’m like, “Well—
elliott
									
Wait. Which fuckers are you talking about? Cleary and Jamie Dornan? [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: ‘Cause he hates him. ‘Cause he’s a gossipy old man who’s telling people he’s in love with a donkey! Stuart: Shoe leather. Dan: No!
dan
									
This is not my slash fic. I’m just saying—our leads, Jamie and Emily Blunt. Like, clearly he likes her at this point. So… just do it. Like, if he’s willing to—
stuart
									
Well I think—I mean, Elliott brought it up before, but they both suffer from crippling depression and also narrative requirements.
elliott
									
Yes. They suffer from crippling narrative requirements, which is the real issue. Now I was saying to—I was talking—so my wife watched the beginning of this movie with me, and then about thirty minutes in she said, “I don’t wanna watch any more of this.” So I watched the rest by myself. But she was—I was talking to her and I was saying, “A really well-done romance—you know that they’re gonna end up together and you want it—and they’re so obviously meant for each other that each time an obstacle gets in their path, it frustrates you. And you’re like, ‘Come on! No, no, no! You gotta do this!’ So that by the time they overcome the obstacles—whether they’re internal or external—you’re like, ‘Yes! You did it!’” Here—like you were saying, Dan—there are almost no obstacles. So it’s very—it’s this weird—it’s almost like a Brechtian experiment in distancing the audience from caring about these people because their problems are so invisible. And you don’t know why or what’s going on. Y’know.
dan
									
It’s very confusing. So—
elliott
									
I assumed going in that this was going to be about two feuding families and they hate each other and that’s why they’re arguing. But no! Their parents get along great!
dan
									
Well I also thought—I mean, y’know, you see John Hamm in the poster. You think this is gonna be a love triangle. He figures in in significant but small ways. Anyway. So—
elliott
									
Now Dan, is it ironic that John Hamm is the least hammy performer in the entire movie? That he actually gives the most subdued performance of anyone in the film. [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh, sure. Stuart: Yeah. I mean, it—
stuart
									
It’s kind of offset by the fact that the first scene—or the first modern scene—is Christopher Walken taking a ham from a widow. So.
elliott
									
Mm. [Through laughter] That—that’s true! Oh, there’s so much symbolism in this movie! You know what? I forgot it. It’s a rich stew. It’s a rich, mulligatawny stew of ideas, themes, and symbols. And I love it now.
dan
									
So Blunt is mad at Walken that he’s selling the farm to his nephew. And she’s like, “Hey, he’ll smarten up and marry me eventually.” And again, I’m like, “What the fuck’s keeping these people apart?” Dornan’s like, “Oh, it’s fine if the farm gets sold.” And he’s at the bar and a woman comes up to him and meanwhile Blunt and her mom and Walken are at a different bar where there’s old Irish music playing. And—
elliott
									
There, they call them “pubs.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Dan: Yeah, pubs.
dan
									
They’re at a pub. Sorry. Blunt sings a song that Christopher Walken’s wife used to sing. That the titular “Wild Mountain Thyme.”
elliott
									
Again, Dan. There is no reason— [Dan laughs.] —to comment on her appearance or her body during this. It’s a singing thing. There’s no reason.
dan
									
Yeah. And she has a lovely voice. She’s been in musicals before, Emily Blunt. Into the Woods. Mary Poppins.
stuart
									
Like Live, Die, Repeat?
dan
									
Live, Die, Repeat. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Now what if—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Now, Stuart, what would be some of the song titles in Live, Die, Repeat: The Musical? Dan: [Singing] Liveee! Dieee! Repeaaaat!
stuart
									
I don’t know. There’s the “Back Again.” “Here I Am.” “I’m Not Dead.” “Hey, There’s Tom Cruise!” “Oh, Look at Those Aliens.”
crosstalk
									
Dan: [singing] “Look at me. Here I am. Right where I belonggg!” Stuart: “Watch Out for the Aliens.”
dan
									
That’s from it, right?
elliott
									
That’s from Live, Die, Repeat: The Musical. Now, what would his “I Want” song be?
stuart
									
Oh, that’s true. “Stop Killing Me So Many Times.” That was the name of the song.
elliott
									
Oh, okay. [Laughs.] That’s a good one.
dan
									
So this is—there are a few moments that I found genuinely moving in this movie. This was one of them. Christopher Walken watching Emily Blunt sing this song that his wife used to sing. And we see the woman and Dornan are climbing over a wall for some reason and she’s, like, “I’ll never see you again, right?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” And so she confesses her worst secret, that she slept with a priest. And Jamie Dornan whispers his secret—or he—into her ear and she falls off [through laughter] the wall. It is such a shocking—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —or funny secret. Stuart: Uh-huh. [Inaudible.] Elliott: Or it’s she’s— And she’s laughing while she falls. Dan: She’s laughing. Yeah.
elliott
									
They were—they were drunkenly sneaking over a cemetery wall. In bright daylight! Because they’d been out all night just wandering around, I guess. Drunk.
dan
									
Yeah. So Jamie’s going to the airport to pick up the nephew who’s gonna buy the farm. And lo and behold, it’s John Hamm. He and his Irish father are there are the airport. John Hamm—y’know—
elliott
									
You gotta feel bad for the actor who plays the Irish father because he barely appears in the movie. He kinda disappears and evaporates into thin air and no one ever mentions him again.
dan
									
Yeah. And he—so they go to the farm. John Hamm shows up a little behind everyone else in a fancy car. Which—
stuart
									
Yeah. He’s like a Slick Willie American guy, right?
dan
									
Yeah. This puts—well it puts Dornan off a little bit that he’s like this city slicker. But as we will see—
stuart
									
And he’s also very direct.
dan
									
Well yeah. As we will see, John Hamm is—to my mind—the only reasonable [through laughter] person in this movie. But we’ll get to it. And Hamm gives him a white raincoat, which is—I guess—ridiculous ‘cause it’s just gonna get stained? I didn’t quite understand why—
elliott
									
I mean, it also looks ridiculous. It’s kind of a ridiculous—oh, Dan, I have to correct. Earlier I said—I referred to Neal McDonough when I meant Martin McDonagh. That was the playwright I was talking about.
stuart
									
Neal McDonough is blue-eyed bad guy.
elliott
									
Is the blue-eyed bad guy actor.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: But I was talking about Martin. Dan: Who looks like a Husky dog. [Elliott laughs.] Elliott: Yes.
stuart
									
He does look like a Husky dog. Yeah. That’s true. Oh man.
dan
									
So Dornan is—
stuart
									
My fantasies keep evolving, Dan. Thank you. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Well that’s—you have to assume that if he was an Animorph, that’s what he would turn into, right?
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Of course. Oh, man. When’s the Neal McDonough Animorph book coming out? [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
So Dornan’s wandering the field in his new white raincoat using a metal detector like he’s some sort of detectorist. And John Hamm and Emily Blunt look at him like he’s—again—some sort of wacky character when he’s acting fairly normal. And Hamm—
elliott
									
I mean, I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily normal, but it’s not necessarily wacky.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
It falls on that range between—look. Have I ever walked in a white raincoat with a metal detector in Ireland? No. But if I saw someone doing it, I wouldn’t be like, [with steadily increasing Irish accent] “Lock him up! Get the men with the butterfly nets! Oh, look what he’s doing! Oh, faith and begorra! Ah, ya might, rabbit, ya might!” And those are all my Irish voices.
stuart
									
Yeah. You wouldn’t like pull out your phone and take a pic so you can like meme the hell out of it.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] No.
dan
									
So Hamm is very straightforward with Blunt. He wants her to sell her land to him. And like, I am almost immediately on John Hamm’s side in all of his scenes ‘cause he’s, like, the only direct human being in the movie. And—
elliott
									
Well you would feel that way, Dan, being an abrasive, hostile American who just cuts straight to the point instead of [with Irish accent] living in the—in the negative capability, you might say. And the ambiguous beauty that God above—that Jesus provides for us on this beautiful earth where you get your mix of happiness and sadness. You got your smiles and your tears. But in the end, I guess what matters the most is family and knowing that family will never tell ya how they really feel about ya.
stuart
									
I just—I actually—guys, I just got an alert on Twitter. It says that Ireland’s just changed its travel restrictions. Not COVID-related, surprisingly. It says “Elliott Kalan: Not Allowed.” [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
What?!
dan
									
It said, “Accent worse than Wild Mountain Thyme.” No. He comes into the movie and I’m like, “Oh, okay. A rational guy.” ‘Cause he’s immediately—y’know, this is not a [through laughter] literal line, but it’s pretty close to the spirit of it. Just like, “What the fuck is it with you people and this gate and why are you waiting for this doofus to come around?” [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Well now, here’s the thing. He’s a mostly-rational character, except for the fact that there’s no reason for him to want to buy a farm in Ireland. It is—
dan
									
Yeah. Well, we’ll learn later on that his dream is to become an Irish farmer. So maybe he’s not as rational as he claims. Like, that is how the movie sort of undercuts his position a little bit. But—
stuart
									
I mean, it’s either that or start a brewery or a fucking tech company or something. Right? Isn’t he a Wall Street guy?
elliott
									
He—maybe that’s it. Is that he has a company and he wants to kinda—what, reverse whatever it’s called where you buy a company—he buys that farm in Ireland. Now the farm in Ireland is technically the corporate headquarters for his business and he’s at the Irish tax rate. That’s—I bet you that’s exactly what it is. Dan, he’s just dressing up vulture capitalism as a romantic vision of the Emerald Isle. And John Hamm, you should be ashamed of yourself.
dan
									
Oh, okay. So it’s gonna turn into like—I mean, this is Scotland, but it’s gonna turn into more of a Local Hero sort of situation.
elliott
									
Uh… I mean, no. Mine is much more negative than that. In Scotland, they learn their lesson. In Local Hero. In this one, it’s just gonna be more bad news for American taxpayers. Hi. I’m Elliott Kalan. It’s about time we stopped all these companies going to Ireland. And that’s why I think maybe I should just go to Ireland and stop the companies from walking in! [Dan laughs.] Ireland, you need me. Anyway. That’s my argument! Let me in, please. [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Have we all been to Ireland?
elliott
									
No! I just told you I’ve never—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I told you earlier in the episode I’ve never been there! Stuart: No. No, I’ve not been to Ireland. Dan: Oh, I thought you—I thought—
dan
									
You’ve been to Scotland, Elliott.
crosstalk
									
Dan: That’s what I was thinking about. Elliott: I’ve been to Scotland multiple times.
elliott
									
I love Scotland. It’s my second-favorite country on earth, after my beloved United States of America. But I’d love to go to Ireland someday. But, y’know. I guess I’m more Scottish at heart? Than Irish?
stuart
									
Maybe—maybe when they lift that restriction, but I dunno. You keep—seeming to be digging yourself deeper.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe—I mean, and also there was that time when I beat up the Lucky Charms leprechaun. But that was over a misunderstanding. I thought he was somebody else. It was dark.
stuart
									
You thought he was the evil leprechaun from the Leprechaun movies. And you’re like, “Might as well beat him up while you got the chance!” Not realizing that if it was the real leprechaun from the Leprechaun movies he could just magic himself away from your attacks.
elliott
									
I know. Well I wasn’t thinking. And it’s partly because I had just eaten a bowl of what I thought was Lucky Charms cereal but was actually magic cereal magicked up by the evil leprechaun. And that had really thrown off my perceptions. So I guess—
stuart
									
Well if the leprechaun from the Leprechaun movies was a fighting game character, for instance, right, Dan? He’s be more of a zoner. It would all be about teleport attacks and ranged attacks as opposed to like… beat down and brawling. What do you think, Dan? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Now I bet you—the Lucky Charms leprechaun would be one of those characters that throws a lot of stuff?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yes, that’s what I’m saying. He’s also a zoner. Elliott: Like, they have—they’re not so—
elliott
									
They’re not so physically powerful but they have like a big combo that throws a lot of things at you. A lot of marshmallows.
stuart
									
Yeah. Like a mega or ultra combo.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Dan: I don’t—I don’t know how accurate this is.
dan
									
Because it is, y’know, on one hand just something that someone wrote on the internet? On the other hand, it does come from the Leprechaun wiki. So if anyone knows about the Leprechaun movies it’s the people contributing to the Leprechaun wiki. And the claim over there is that it is not the same leprechaun in all the Leprechaun movies. Which makes sense, ‘cause he just gets like blown up and stuff a lot— [Stuart laughs.] —and no one ever, like—there’s never a scene where he comes back together and they’re like, “Oh, y’know, he’s a Jason-style character who gets hit by lightning when Tommy Jarvis or whatever his name is tries to dig him up.”
crosstalk
									
Dan: You know it’s true. Stuart: Yeah. I think in—I think in the— Elliott: Now I want— [Laughs.] Now I wanna see the—
stuart
									
In the most recent Leprechaun movie, I think they do—it is the same leprechaun as in the first one. But yeah. You’re right. There’s no, like, he’s not like some kind of a phoenix that keeps rising from the ashes. They don’t address that. It makes sense.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. There’s no real continuity—once he’s in space— Elliott: no. Now I wanna see the scene—I wanna see the prologue scene—
elliott
									
—Where it’s like the beginning of the Taken sequel. Where it’s like, “They killed our leprechaun. Now we need to get revenge. Send another leprechaun after them.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Yep. Dan: Yeah.
elliott
									
But once he’s in space I guess it’s all noncanonical at a certain point. Right?
dan
									
Well they just—they just introduce him being in space like he’s like trying to marry this space princess. And you don’t know how he got there. Whether leprechauns are just like across the universe? Every planet has a leprechaun. Who knows.
stuart
									
Julie Taymor. [Dan laughs. Elliott joins in.]
dan
									
Anyway. So—
elliott
									
[Through laughter] That was a Julie Taymor Across the Universe reference. Look. We’re almost there. [Stuart laughs.] If we can mention Titus and Fool’s Fire I think we’ll be pretty far along— [Dan laughs.] —in our Julie Taymor BINGO card.
dan
									
[Through laughter] So there’s a scene that doesn’t really amount to much where Hamm and Dornan pick mushrooms. Emily Blunt’s mom goes to the hospital—
elliott
									
They don’t—now they don’t take mushrooms. That would be an interesting scene that might bring us in a new direction. They’re just picking mushrooms and I think—is that when they also feed some cows?
stuart
									
Yeah. It would also explain their behavior. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
“I don’t understand you people. You never come straight to the point.” [Irish accent] “Oh, well we’re high as balls all the time.” [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] “Oh, we’re always tripping like crazy on these shrooms here in the Emerald Isle! Oh, yes!” [Without accent] “Oh, well that would explain a lot. Yeah.”
dan
									
Yeah. So Mother Blunt gets taken to the hospital. In the waiting room, Walken tells John Hamm he can’t sell him the farm because he doesn’t wanna tell Rosemary and whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is apart. And I’m just like, “Dude, you just made this guy [through laughter] fly to Ireland—” [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: “And now you’re like, uh, psych!” Elliott: No, but Dan—
elliott
									
But Dan, his action is clearly motivated by something that happened off camera and is never mentioned. So we have to assume something powerful—the same way that, later in the movie, he and Dornan have an emotional moment that is—again—motivated by nothing. And I guess that is something. If you try to untangle the dynamics of this, it is mainly about Christopher Walken being a man with some sort of dementia that causes him to change personality from scene to scene and everybody just dealing with that, maybe.
dan
									
That’s… yeah. So Blunt is crying in church. We cut to her. Her mom is dead. A little time passes. Christopher Walken is now older. He needs an oxygen tank to breathe. He’s dying and he’s finally saying, “I will leave the farm to you.” But then he tells his monologue where he’s like, “I never loved your mother. I was just lonely. So I thought, y’know, good enough. I’ll marry her to not be lonely.” [Stuart laughs.] But eventually one day sort of love came on him all in a rush when he was out in the field. Y’know, he starts singing a song that she sings—the Wild Mountain Thyme song. Like it all—he realizes that he has come to love her, and he goes and he sells the right of way of his farm to buy her a real gold wedding ring to replace the brass one. And Stuart’s snickering? But I gotta say—this is one of the few times—like, this is another one of the scenes that I genuinely found moving. I think that part of it is… just… personal? Like, this is not the same situation, like— [Through laughter]
elliott
									
No, no, I remember when you sold the right of way of your farm to buy a ring. I was like, “Don’t do it, Dan! You’re gonna regret it! I’ll lend you the money to buy the ring!”
dan
									
Yeah. This is not the same situation. Walken’s is a little sadder. But like, y’know, in my life, Audrey and I dated. I sort of cut things off too quickly because I was like, “Oh, y’know, I don’t know right away how I feel.” But then we became very close friends and then over time I realized, “Oh wait, I’ve fallen for her.” And like, the idea of this sort of more closed-off man, like, through the course of building this life, y’know, sort of having this come on him in a rush. Like, the fog of sadness lifting from him. Like, I found this all very kind of… moving.
stuart
									
So I agree with you. I think the, like, I appreciate the sentiment? But there is something—it was just—it was tough for me to take this scene seriously because Christopher Walken’s line delivery—like, I feel like his dialect coach was just watching the whole time being like, “What the fuuuuck.” [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
You have to look past his accent. To enjoy any part [through laughter] of his performance. Once you like ignore his accent, his acting is, y’know, like Christopher Walken great. It’s like, you love to see Christopher Walken.
stuart
									
Yeah. He’s a Fatboy Slim.
elliott
									
This scene in a better movie could’ve been a very powerful scene for me. I appreciate that you connect to it personally. Now would it make you feel different if the song that his wife used to sing that he— [Dan laughs.] —started singing in the field was “Hot For Teacher.” [Dan laughs.] Would that make it any—
stuart
									
Yes.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —less emotional? Dan: Y’know, I went to—
dan
									
I went to “Tush” by ZZ Top.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, man. My wedding song. [Laughs.] Elliott: Okay, yeah. Could be, yeah. [Laughs.]
dan
									
So—oh yeah. And before Christopher Walken does pass away, he apologizes to his son for threatening to take the farm. They have sort of a reconciliation. I mean, they were never, like, really like super at odds? But this was obviously like a thing.
elliott
									
They were almost never at odds at all. They were just kind of bickering. But this is the—this is the kind of scene that you see in a lot of Irish dramas where it’s the deathbed admission of love? Where it’s like, “Now that I’m dying and I don’t have to deal with the shame of you knowing that I love you, I can tell you that I love you.” But then Christopher Walken kinda dies off screen, or he just kinda disappears. Characters just kinda disappear from this movie when the film is done with them.
dan
									
Well that’s the wild mountain time, y’know? Like, time takes ‘em away. So Dornan—
elliott
									
Now, this movie would’ve made more sense to me if—at the end—they revealed that it was a simulation aliens had designed for the last three surviving humans, who happen to be from Ireland. And the aliens only knew what they knew from movies set in Ireland. And they were like, “Hopefully this mate will be comfortable for them! We’re experimenting with how they deal with these things!” Y’know.
dan
									
So Dornan and Blunt have kind of like… y’know, their patented emotionally-repressed, lightly, like, sort of circling one another romantically talk.
elliott
									
Very hard to get a patent on that ‘cause you have to show that it’s something that has at least one element that has never been created before.
dan
									
Yeah. It’s his hair. Jamie Dornan’s hair.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Through laughter] Oh, wow. That was it. Really? Dan: He has beautiful hair in this.
dan
									
I gotta say—the… y’know, there’s a tradition of, y’know, great, y’know, tweeds and sweaters and like, y’know like getting a good-quality piece of clothing and like keeping it and mending it and like, that is a bigger thing, I feel, over in the United Kingdom and in Ireland. But it—all of the people’s clothes [through laughter] are too good in this movie. They’re all, like, beautiful, like, this is like a catalog of clothes you would get in Ireland and none of them are dirty, ever.
elliott
									
Even though they talk about farm—there’s a part where John Hamm is like—to a bystander—is like, “You know I’m not an Irish farmer?” And she goes, “Well, your hands don’t look like feet.” And it’s like, Jamie Dornan is beautiful.
stuart
									
Yeah. He looks incredible.
elliott
									
He looks amazing! And he’s the guy who’s supposed to be working the farm. There’s a lot of—let’s call it—unrealistic appearance in this movie. But again, Dan, we don’t need to talk about their appearances. It's inappropriate. And it's not okay.
dan
									
So there’s this talk that Dornan and Blunt have. And at one point he was weirdly like, “What’s a man’s place in this new world?” And I’m like, “You’re like a Men’s Rights guy?” [Elliott laughs.] “What is this—"
stuart
									
Yeah. Chill out, dude.
elliott
									
It really feels like he’s trying out monologues to see if any of them attach to the movie? [Dan laughs.] Like, [with Irish accent] “No, that one didn’t take.” “Okay.” “Cast it aside.” What if I talk about the beauty of the grass?” “Okay, yeah.” “It seems to be—that—” “Oh, nope, nope. The antibodies from the movie are rejecting it again.” “Okay. Let’s try another one.”
dan
									
So… Rosemary is pretty reasonably like, “Why aren’t we together already, again?” And Dornan has this talk about like dreaming of everyone in the world and being in front of a parade and it sounds like the end of a Fellini movie or something.
elliott
									
It’s like—he’s describing—yeah. He’s either describing the end of 8 1/2 or he is ripping off some of the stuff from Our Town. Where it’s like, it’s a very Thornton Wilder-y type of speech. That doesn’t—where you’re like, “What are you—what? Like, what is this—where did you come from with this?” That was one of the few moments where I was like, “Oh, maybe he is just a weird—maybe he is a weirdo. Like, Rosemary, stop bothering with him.”
stuart
									
Yeah. And they don’t see each other that much. So it is one of those things that he’s probably like been thinking about for a while and then this weird conversation and all of a sudden he’s like, “Finally, a human being I can talk to!” [Elliott laughs.] And he tells this long story and she’s like, “What?” [Dan laughs.] “I thought we were just like saying hello. But…”
elliott
									
This would’ve been a better movie if—every time someone had like a little monologue—the other person went, “…What?!” [All laugh.]
dan
									
So he tells her maybe she should leave Ireland again, and I have no idea why. But he leaves and she’s like, “Wait. Maybe I will leave Ireland!” And we see a bunch of crows and she puts Swan Lake on the record player and she dons a white dress and she does kind of a weird dance around the front of her house.
elliott
									
She gets into like a Swan Lake trance and dances at her house.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. And at this point Audrey said— Elliott: And she is not Dancing at Luganza.
elliott
									
That’s a different thing. That’s a different play. Yeah. It’s a different play. It’s not that. Yeah.
dan
									
Isn’t it Lughnasa? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
I don’t know.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I don’t speak Irish. And she’s also not— Dan: Luganza sounds like… okay. Yeah.
elliott
									
She’s not dancing at the Blue Iguana. Also something very different. She’s not at the Blue Iguana at all.
dan
									
So she’s dancing around in this white dress, at which point Audrey says, “If she flies, I’ll fucking lose it.” [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, I would’ve loved that. I mean, she does fly in a plane. But I would’ve loved if she just lifted into the air. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Audrey came around. She’s like—once we saw the end of the movie, she’s like, “No, she should’ve flied." And I agree. Once you see the end of this movie you’re like, “Okay, there needed to be a lot more, like, sort of like… weird, almost-magical realism sprinkled in from the beginning? To like key you into the tone of what they’re trying to do?” But anyway.
elliott
									
I mean, this movie is—it’s weirdly like watching someone—like, someone is trying—doing like this Irish romantic drama, but there’s like a Jupiter Ascending underneath it. That’s trying to crack out at different moments. And it’s like, “Oh, let that Jupiter Ascending out.” Like, this should be a weird movie. But instead it’s not a weird movie.
dan
									
Yeah. So they fade from like her dancing to swans flying and then an airplane flying, and Emily Blunt’s in New York—
elliott
									
Which is how it evolved. That’s—swans evolved into airplanes. Just like in 2001 and he throws that bone up in the air and it turns into a space station. Do you ever worry that it’s actually—those things are actually happening concurrently and the bone is gonna fly up and hit the space station and knock it out of the sky? [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Well, no. I don’t think that ape can throw it into orbit. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Wait a minute. That—that bone turns into a space station?
elliott
									
Well not literally. Well actually, yes. I assume there was a sequence where the bone got longer and longer and longer and bigger until it turned into a space station. But if the swans—I mean, ‘cause over time, swans, they lost their feathers and gained copilots— [Dan laughs.] —and that’s how planes were born.
dan
									
“Gained copilots.” They evolved the black box.
elliott
									
Yeah, exactly! Well why didn’t they evolve to make the whole plane out of the black box? Anyway. Guys? What happens next? Where is she going?
dan
									
Okay. Well she’s in New York. Hanging with John Hamm. It’s revealed she’s only there for one day and she asks Hamm to take her to the ballet. And when she’s at the ballet—which is, I presume, Swan Lake—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It is Swan Lake, yes. I mean if you’re—I mean if— Stuart: That’s enough to see all of New York, right? One day? Dan: I mean, all she cares about is this ballet. She’s a real Six Weeks [inaudible].
elliott
									
If you’re Dudley Moore and Mary Tyler Moore, that’s all you need to see. Yeah. And now here—this is—so this is—this was the most shameless—or should I say Shanless—part of the movie to me. Because in Moonstruck there’s this scene where Cher is watching the opera and it connects with her. And it leads to an epiphany. And here’s like, well this woman’s gonna see the ballet and it’s gonna help lead to an epiphany. And I was like, “Come on, dude.” Like, don’t—don’t redo your old stuff? Y’know? Anyway. It bothered me.
dan
									
So she imagines herself as a child onstage dancing with the ballerina. And Hamm has a look at her that like—later on you learn is supposed to be admiring? But I took it as, “What is with this lady and this ballet?” [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
That’s kind of what it looked like. It was like he was like—he was about to ask her if she wanted to leave ‘cause it was boring and then saw she was really caught up in it and was like, “Uh, oh. How do I deal with this?” [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] “How long can she believe that I’m using the bathroom for if I just leave and come back when this is over?”
dan
									
So they’re lingering over some after-dinner drinks later and Hamm is sort of like… y’know indicating that he’s interested in her but not like overplaying it or anything. And she’s talking about the ballet, saying, “I’m the white swan in the ballet!” And John Hamm says, “Look, you can’t let romantic ideals ruin your life. You have to be at least a little realistic.” And I’m like, “Yeah, man!” This guy’s— [Laughs.]
stuart
									
He shared his fucking Farmers Only profile with us. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Well he’s basically giving her a similar speech—it’s a similar speech to what the hero of Zootopia gets at the beginning. Where her parents are like, “You just gotta settle. Dreams only lead to failure.”
dan
									
Well—Emily Blunt, in this movie, has been—like, chasing this guy all of her life. And it’s only brought her misery. Like at this point, John Hamm’s like, “Hey, be a little more realistic” is a very sensible thing.
elliott
									
Oh, no, no. I think it’s okay for him to say, “That guy’s not into you. You gotta deal with it.” But to then say, “Dreams are for losers and reality is—you gotta lose those dreams.”
dan
									
No, no, no. I love the next thing that he says. She says that, y’know, “Have you ever had a dream? Like, I have a dream since a kid that I just can’t shake.” And John Hamm says, “The kinds of dreams kids have make adults miserable.” And I thought, “Yes, you’re right, John Hamm.”
stuart
									
That’s a good line. Yeah. That’s a good line.
elliott
									
It’s a good line that my life is a direct rebuttal of. So anyway. ‘Cause I’ve achieved so many of the dreams I had when I was a kid!
dan
									
Yeah, if you fucking achieve them! But if you hang on to like the sort of like… like, kids—kids are not smart enough to like [through laughter] know what they want.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I mean, that’s true. Considering one of my sons wants to be a baby snake— Dan: Like, she seems to have fixated on something for her entire life. Anyway. [Inaudible]
elliott
									
—yeah, I think you’re right. Now, would it have been better if—after they saw it—she said, “I’m the white swan! Me! The white swan!” And tried to fly and he had to—and she turned into like kind of a crazy supervillain type?
dan
									
That would be amazing.
elliott
									
Like he sends her to Arkham then she comes out as the White Swan and she’s committing swan-related crimes? Of which there are not that many.
stuart
									
Guys, real quick—what exactly kind of snake does your son wanna be a baby of? [Multiple people laugh.]
elliott
									
Now at this point we don’t know for sure. Some kind of constrictor.
stuart
									
Oh, cool. Okay.
elliott
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean, they’re pretty cool. I mean, you could keep ‘im as a pet, theoretically. Unlike a venomous snake which, y’know you shouldn’t keep as a pet.
elliott
									
Snake or no, when he’s 18 he is out of the house.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I will have done my time. Stuart: Okay, that makes sense.
elliott
									
My wild mountain thyme. Continue, Dan.
dan
									
So later on, at night, John Hamm and she are walking on the waterfront and he kisses her and she says, “Oh my god.” All the way back to Ireland. You see her on the plane still saying, “Oh my god.” And you see Dornan in his house and Hamm calls him and based on Jamie’s reaction, the message is basically, “Sorry, you snossed and you lost. I am coming back to Ireland. I am looking for romance.” And Jamie Dornan knows just what that means.
elliott
									
He says, “I’ve got a little transatlantic booty call going on. So hey, you think Rosemary’s up? ‘Cause I’m about to get on a plane so I can tap that.” And he goes, “Please don’t talk about her that way. That is inappropriate.” And he’s like, “I’m a straight-talking American and I say what I’m gonna do! I’m gonna get on a plane. I’m gonna go over there. I’m gonna have sex with her. Probably ask her to marry me. Then I’m gonna buy your farm. What are you gonna do about it?” And he’s like, “Didn’t my dad tell you earlier he wouldn’t’ sell you the farm?” And he’s like, “I dunno, I forgot, dude. This movie’s so boring I can’t remember what happened to me from one thing—I just had to sit through the ballet. We were walking around—maybe it was the Hudson Yards part of the city, which I don’t—it doesn’t feel like the real New York City? Y’know, for an old New York hand like me.” And Jamie Dornan’s like, “This seems like we’re not talking about the movie anymore.” And John Hamm’s like, “I just think the city’s changing and that’s why I wanna go to Ireland—an eternal place that’s always 1947-1957. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Tír _na nÓg_, yeah.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Exactly. Now, Tír na nÓg sounds like a Tolkien bad guy but is not. Right?
stuart
									
No, it’s not. No. It’s a thing. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
So here’s where the movie gets kind of—
stuart
									
It’s an established thing.
dan
									
—yeah. Again, sort of more magical realism. They’re both back at home at their places in Ireland. It’s stormy. There’s a bunch of crows flying around. And like it seems like maybe she’s calling Anthony telepathically? Like you hear her like whispering his name on the soundtrack and the wind is blowing and she goes out on her horse across the moors and finds him out, metal detecting in the storm. Which seems like a really bad idea. [Laughs.] To have a long metal thing that you are—
stuart
									
Yeah. Just follow the lightning, dude!
elliott
									
And to be looking for more metal. Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah. So—and meanwhile—
elliott
									
I mean—and the quickest way to get where you’re going is to ride the lightning. Honestly.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Yeah. Dan: Yeah. Elliott: Yeah.
dan
									
And meanwhile, during this whole next sequence, I’m not gonna mention every time they cut back to him? But John Hamm is on a plane. He’s reading Irish Farmer and a lady next to him— [Elliott laughs.] —points out, “Hey, you don’t look like a farmer. You look like John Hamm.” And anyway. So that’s his deal.
crosstalk
									
Dan: He wants to marry an Irish lady. And be a farmer. Elliott: And so—this—now—the, uh—now—
elliott
									
Now this is borrowing a Primal card in that they’re using his magazine choice to tell us a little bit about him. [Dan laughs.] In this case, Irish Farmer magazine. As opposed to Nicolas Cage in Primal, who’s reading Real Estate magazine.
dan
									
Yeah. So they return to Rosemary’s house. And he’s doing something with the shutters of the windows. I don’t quite understand. And—
elliott
									
She asks him to close the shutters ‘cause there’s gonna be a storm.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. It looked to me like— Elliott: Oh, no. But she asked him to—oh, no, actually—
elliott
									
No, she asks him to open the shutters and—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —he’s confused about why—yeah. Dan: Yes. That was the confusing part. Yeah.
elliott
									
She is—I think what it is is that she is kooky.
dan
									
Yeah. Okay. So the skies open up above him— [Elliott laughs.] Lotta rain. He starts getting rained on. He bangs on the door to get let in and Emily lets him in. She’s kind of badgering him like lightly romantically, humming Swan Lake, and she’s like, “Why are you always metal detecting?” And they have some Guinness while he’s stuck there, which is what she wants. She wants him, y’know, stuck there by the storm so she can finally has this out.
elliott
									
He’s stuck there long enough that she serves him two Guinnesses. And it was like, “Oh, boy. This is too long a scene if he can have two drinks during it with a fair amount of time in-between drinks.” Like…
stuart
									
She makes him a sandwich at one point, too, right?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Or two. Elliott: Yeah. She makes him a sandwich—
elliott
									
Yeah. And there’s a fair amount of them talking kind of nonsense about men and women that doesn’t really make sense? And that’s when I started to realize—when they were talking about nonsense about men and women—this movie is to Moonstruck as Deadwood is to John From Cincinnati. Where it’s kind of like similar parts that have been assembled in a form that doesn’t quite work.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. I can see that. Elliott: And it made me really wanna—
elliott
									
It made me really wanna go back and watch Deadwood again. So guys, should we watch Deadwood now?
dan
									
Sure, why not. So there’s like a weird kinda depressing part where Dornan says it’s a great day to commit suicide. Emily’s like, “Oh, by the way, I have a loaded shotgun in the closet ‘cause I think about killing myself frequently.” And I—
stuart
									
That’s a Chekhov’s shotgun, right? It shows up later in the movie?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Eh, I don’t think so. Anyway. I kinda like— Stuart: No, I’m just fucking with you. Elliott: No. It’s a—it’s a—
elliott
									
It’s a Chekhov’s not—it’s a Chekhov’s not-gun, which is another thing that people talk about. Where you don’t actually see the gun and it never gets used but you know it’s there. For a moment.
dan
									
Yeah. And I kinda like this scene, too, because finally they’re actually talking—like, there’s some emotions bubbling beneath? Like, they’re still repressed, but the rest of the movie goes too far in the repression where I can’t see what’s going on underneath the surface? And here at least, it’s like, “Okay, I can tell that they’re like wary of one another but I can also see what I’m supposed to be thinking about it.” But Dornan says Hamm’s coming into town to seek a wife and he says, “Maybe someone like you? I was thinking I might let him take a look at you.” And you’re like, “Whaaaat?” ‘Cause it gets like really regressive in the gender stuff here for a little bit. She asks him whether he’s gay. Whether that’s what’s going on. She says that a man shouldn’t smell like lilies.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Elliott: The movie is just spinning out—
elliott
									
—possible things that could happen and then don’t happen. Like the movie has run out of—is trying to get back on track really fast. And it’s really slow.
dan
									
Yeah. And she finally is just straight-up basically saying, like, “Why haven’t you come for me? What’s going on? I’ve quit smoking for you ‘cause I thought you didn’t like smoke. I went to New York City and I kissed your cousin—” or whatever he is to him.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] “‘Cause I thought you wanted me to kiss your cousin, so.” [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yup. And he reveals— Elliott: “Does that turn you on? Is that it?”
elliott
									
“That you like cucking? Is that what it is that you want me to be with your cousin while you watch?” And he’s like, [with Irish accent] “Ah, I didn’t think I could tell ya, but that’s—yeah, that’s what does it for me. Please don’t judge.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Let’s—cool. Let’s keep all this in, Jordan. Please. Elliott: “It’s—it’s—I can’t control—” [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
And she’s like, “Okay, I understand you and I love you so I’m willing to make it work.” And it’s really open-minded.
dan
									
No. I mean, the movie is very open-minded, but it turns out that his deal is—the big twist of the movie—the secret that’s been keeping them apart—is that Anthony thinks that he is a honeybee. You did not just have a stroke. [Laughs.] Or fall asleep—no. I didn’t—no. The movie— [Stuart laughs.] —is about a man who believes himself to be a honeybee. And that is what has been, y’know, keeping our lovers apart for so long.
elliott
									
And that’s when you go back and you remember all the behavior that he was doing that would typify a honeybee. Like using a metal detector, fishing— [Dan laughs.] —speaking English out loud to his human family members. Drinking Guinness. All the—wearing a raincoat. Driving a car. So you’re like, “Oh, it all makes sense! Finally, all the clues have fallen into place! Keyser Soze was a bee the whole time!”
stuart
									
Yeah. So I feel like if this movie had gone back and actually tried to show us some of the clues, we would’ve given it a raft of shift for it? Like, any time a movie does like, “Oh, let’s flashback to two minutes ago when this person did this one thing.” So the movie doesn’t even do that, so it feels even more random and strange. Like, I’d forgotten a bunch of this shit that you guys mentioned before like the pollen and whatever else.
dan
									
I love this, though. Like honestly? Only something this dramatic and strange would’ve [through laughter] justified the rest of the movie to me. Like, why they were—and I think it is a very well-acted scene on Emily Blunt’s part because she—before this revelation, she says, “I’ve gamed out every scenario. There’s nothing you can say to me right now that is gonna upset me or not make me want you.” And then he says, “I think I’m a bee.” And you see her—like, she drives him home now and she’s driving and she’s kind of like talking a mile a minute, and, “So you think you’re a bee. You think you’re a bee. You think—” And you see her processing this. But ultimately she comes to, “Hey, look. We all think we’re something.” [Through laughter] It is a message of acceptance. Y’know, he’s… a different person. But.
elliott
									
It’s also easy to accept that he thinks he’s a bee since—again—he never does anything bee-like or in any way. He’s just kind of like a clumsy guy. Y’know.
stuart
									
Elliott. He—he lives in Apartment 23 and you should not trust him. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
You’re right. Typical B!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Whereas Dan—to me—that was good. To me— Dan: Shut it down. Best joke of the podcast. [Stuart laughs.] Stuart: Took me a while.
elliott
									
To me, him revealing he was a bee was as if I had sat through the most boring dinner of my life and then the waiter said, “And your dessert!” And just threw a monkey’s paw on the table. [Multiple people laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: I loved it. Elliott: And like, “What? What is this?”
elliott
									
“Why—where is this coming from?” I found it to be an unpleasant surprise. [Laughs.]
dan
									
No, I thought it was great. So she crashes the car into a tree. Semi-purposefully, it seems. And takes him down to the river and it’s raining again, hard, and Emily says she thinks she’s a swan which is, y’know, not meant as literally as his bee fixation, I think? But kind of. And it turns out… like, so he’s been using the metal detector to try and find this ring. This gold ring that he lost. And like that would be, I guess, sort of the signal that they should be together. It turns out that she has the ring. She found it by her gate. And she says, “Do I have to swat at you to get you to sting me?” Which was fun. And then they finally kiss. He picks her up, walks her out of the rain toward a patch of light. [Elliott laughs.] And she goes—I like this exchange. She goes, “I’m mad, too, y’know.” And he goes, “How?” And she says, “You’ll find out when it’s too late.” Which is, y’know, a nice summation [through laughter] of long-term relationships.
elliott
									
Then they cut forward to their wedding night and he’s in bed waiting for her and she stabs him to death. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
elliott
									
And you’re like, “Not where I thought the movie was going, but it was too late, I guess.”
dan
									
And we briefly cut back to John Hamm, who seems to have partnered up with the lady he met on the plane. Or at least there’s potential. And Dornan is in the pub now, singing “Wild Mountain Thyme.” And he calls his wife up on stage to join him in the singing, which is I think the third time I cried during the movie. And his dead parents— [Elliott laughs.] —Christopher Walken and the mom—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Sorry. I promise. I’m not laughing at the idea of Dan crying. Dan: —are in the audience.
elliott
									
I’m laughing at the expression on Stuart’s face on learning that Dan cried three times during the movie.
dan
									
I cried three times during this movie.
elliott
									
And I’ve cried through many movies. I cry at a lot of things that I find are beautiful, but it was just very [through laughter] funny to see Stuart’s response. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
No, that’s fine. Look, this movie is taking some very big swings at the end. And—
elliott
									
I mean, the fact that—and they’re singing and his mom and dad’s ghosts are in the audience watching? But I think this is—
crosstalk
									
Dan: The last shot is them standing on a hill in the sun. Stuart: Yeah, yeah. And Yoda.
dan
									
The hill that he carried her up toward and now they’re in the sun. Outside of—I guess—the depression that bedevils all Irish people and the end.
elliott
									
Now I think—it shows—this is one of those things where I think a movie—as we all know—really benefits from what you bring to it? And Dan, I appreciate that it connected with some real feelings that you had. And it makes me feel bad, then, that it left me so cold throughout the entirety. And so by the time he said he was a bee I was like, “Too little, too late, movie.” [Dan laughs.] “Don’t try to win me back now with some zaniness. Come on. Don’t try to throw that in.” And maybe it’s also that I have—I have a fairly low tolerance for blarney, it turns out? Whereas—I mean, if it’s something that feels like it has some sort of Irish authenticity I like? Like, the show Derry Girls, I think, is a really fantastic show. And that’s a show where I’m like, “Oh, this feels like it comes from a place that’s a real place.” Whereas this—there’s just so much like Irish Spring commercial— [Dan laughs.] —type stuff? And I was like, “Hoo, boy. Okay.”
dan
									
I mean, that stuff is the stuff that connected with me least. As soon as the movie showed me that I think it was supposed to be taken on a more metaphorical level than it seems at first? I got more into it. And that’s why I think it probably worked better as a play, because you can get away with some of that more, like, overt…
elliott
									
I think it probably worked much better as a play. Also, you can get away with a long sequence where characters are talking in circles for no reason? But it really—and then it ends with the same VO from Christopher Walken where he says, “If an Irishman dies while telling a story, you can be sure he’ll be back.” And it’d be like, “Well, you weren’t really telling the story. And also—but you came back as like a ghost at the moment at the end?” It’s one of those things that’s like, this is—is this supposed to be profound? ‘Cause it’s not literal and it makes no sense. And there’s a lot of the Irish in us type stuff. Y’know.
dan
									
So, okay. Let’s do Final Judgments. And I will say—look. Here it is. Here it is, guys.
elliott
									
It’s your favorite movie of 2020. You’re giving it all the Oscars.
dan
									
No, I—look. I can see why… not to enjoy this movie? And it is a very frustrating movie in terms of—for much of it, people are not behaving in ways that seem to make any sort of sense as I know humans to behave? But as soon as it made some of its bigger emotional leaps, I started getting on its wavelength and… I found myself very touched by the ending. I would have a hard time recommending it to anyone because I think that your guys’ take on it is probably the more reasonable one? But I think that there’s a small subset of the world that would find this enjoyable. I—y’know, I’m not giving—look. Two-and-a-half, three out of five [through laughter] is—even though I was taken with some of it. But still.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I think I kinda liked it. Elliott: Dan! Dan! Dan McCoy!
elliott
									
[With Irish accent] Dan McCoy, it’s me! It’s me, the ghost of your great-great-grandfather, Seamus McCoy! Look, I came from beyond the veil! Over the rainbow! To tell you you shouldn’t be so ashamed of the things that ya like. If ya like it, then you should just go ahead and say it even if it’s a piece of shite like this movie is. [Dan laughs.] So just go ahead and say that you like it. Y’know, we Irish—we got a saying, but we’re a funny type of people, we Irish. Y’know, we’re just as quick to yell as we are to cry; just as quick to be poets as we are to punch some guy for no reason. Just ‘cause we feel like punching a guy. [Dan laughs.] But y’know, we Irish has a saying, and that saying is, “When the blarney’s in the heather, ya gotta ride the mist o’er the green fields.” And I think you be knowing what I’m saying ‘cause you’re also of the same sort. [Dan laughs.] You got the blood of the Emerald Ire in ya. You’re a real child of Hibernia. So y’know, I just wanna tell ya, Dan—don’t be ashamed. Don’t be ashamed of connecting on a deep ancestral level to what you be seeing in this movie. It’s—it’s—Elliott has to assume now that this is how you guys felt the time he showed you Fiddler on the Roof. And you were not really that interested in it and he said, “I don’t understand.” And it’s because when you see a movie that strikes ya at that primal level, like you with this, or Stuart with Primal— [Multiple people laugh.] —you just feel that sort of emotional connection.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It’s just a good movie. Elliott: And so I gotta say, Dan—
elliott
									
Before the coppers come to get me ‘cause ol’ St. Peter, he told me not to leave anymore and I keep leaving Heaven so I can see women dressing in changing rooms and he tells me I’m not allowed to do that.
dan
									
Uh, don’t do that. Yeah.
elliott
									
[Laughs.] There’s no real—I guess there’s no real place for a misogynist ghost in this new modern world anymore. But Dan, Dan, ya just shouldn’t be ashamed. They’re coming to get me now. They’re coming to take me away, ha, ha. And so I’ll just—I’ll see ya later and I’ll haunt ya in your dreams until ya avenge me murderers. Goodbye, Dan.
dan
									
Mm-kay. Well I’d like to apologize to our Irish listeners for that— [Elliott laughs.] —hate crime that was just perpetrated. I also wanna—I—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I don’t know if I’d call it a hate crime. I’d call it a— Dan: I did like—I liked—
dan
									
I did like Fiddler on the Roof quite a bit.
stuart
									
Good save!
elliott
									
I mean, I will say, Fiddler on the Roof is objectively better than Wild Mountain Thyme. [Laughs.]
dan
									
No! Of course it is. Of course it is. [Laughs.] So guys—what are your judgments?
elliott
									
So I will say—I would give this movie a bad-bad. Just because I—it was a… it felt like I was constantly trying to hold onto what was going on in this movie and couldn’t quite grasp it because it was so, like, wispy and circular and not—not—it was so vague to me. The whole movie was so vague. And I can deal with a slow movie or even a dull movie, but this one it was just like… every time my brain tried to hold onto it, it would slip off the edges. Y’know. So I would give it a bad-bad. But hey! It’s worth seeing just the part where he admits that he’s a bee. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Yeah. I mean, I’m gonna go ahead and say I think this is a bad-bad movie. I think it’s a little bit too long? [Laughs.] There’s—I mean, I think there’s a couple of nice lines that I think kind of work in a play? But maybe not so well in a movie, when it’s like, mushed together with all this stuff that doesn’t work. It’s like—I dunno. I just recently got done watching that show Normal People? Which is about, y’know, it’s kind of a love story between two Irish people. And the whole time I’m watching that show I’m like, “I cannot understand this dude’s motivation.” And I feel like that carried over into this movie! [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So maybe you just don’t understand Irish people. Stuart: I just don’t understand these dudes’ motivation! Yeah.
stuart
									
I guess I just don’t understand this motivation.
crosstalk
									
Dan: No, I—I agree with all your criticisms. Elliott: For me a lot of it—
dan
									
But I still enjoyed it.
elliott
									
Oh yeah, that’s fine. I mean, for a lot of it for me was just tone stuff, too. Like it never achieved the tone it needed to to get away with some—and there’s—but there are beautiful lines in it. There’s a part where—when she’s trying to figure out what’s wrong, she says, “Do you ever wonder what I’m wearing when I’m not wearing as much?” And I thought that was a beautiful way of like—of trying to get around—trying to be, like, sexual with him without running afoul of the limits in their minds. But there’s—it’s like every time there’s a really great line in it, it’s like you’re jumping from stone to stone across a river? And then something—and then you’ll slip on a really mossy stone and fall in the river and you’re like, “Dammit! That stone didn’t work!”
dan
									
Okay.
elliott
									
That was a particularly Irish metaphor, I feel like. Guys. Yeah. Yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah, that was great. I liked that one. Oh, I just got an email! Your travel ban has been lifted! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, thank you! I can finally go to Ireland and see all the [with Irish accent] pubs that my ancestors went to before they left Russia.
stuart
									
Oh no. Elliott. I just got another email.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Oh no! Did I get banned again?
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
promo
									
Music: Inspiring music throughout. ## [The “testimonials” cut between different VOs. They are not talking to one another.] ## Speaker 1: I started listening to Oh No, Ross and Carrie! shortly after I broke my arm. ## Speaker 2: I couldn’t get my book started. ## [Music swells hopefully to a dramatic crescendo] ## Speaker 3: I was lost. Honestly. ## Speaker 4: I knew it was time to make a change. ## Speaker 5: There’s something about Oh No, Ross and Carrie! that you just can’t get anywhere else. ## Speaker 6: They’re thought-leaders, discoverers, founders. ## Speaker 7: I’d call them heroes. ## Speaker 8: Ross and Carrie don’t just report on fringe science, spirituality, and claims of the paranormal. They take part themselves. ## Speaker 3: They show up, so you don’t have to. ## Speaker 5: But you might find that you want to. ## [Music swells unbearably.] ## Speaker 1: My arm is better. ## Speaker 2: I wrote an entire book this weekend! It’s terrible, but I did it! ## Speaker 6: Just go to MaximumFun.org. ## Everyone: Thank you, Ross and Carrie! Carrie Poppy: [Hurriedly] Oh No, Ross and Carrie! is just a podcast. It doesn’t do anything. It’s just sounds you listen to in your ears. All these people are made up. Goodbye.
promo
									
James Arthur: Hi, I’m James, host of Minority Korner, which is a—? Speaker 1: Podcast that’s all about intersectionality. It’s hosted by James with a guest host every week. Speaker 2: Discussing all sorts of wonderful issues; nerdy and political. Speaker 3: Pop culture— Speaker 1: Black, queer feminism. Speaker 4: Race. Sexuality. Speaker 5: News. Speaker 6: You’re gonna learn your history. There’s self-empowerment. And it’s told by what feels like your best friend. Speaker 2: Why should someone listen to Minority Korner? Speaker 7: Why not? Speaker 8: Oh my god. Free stuff. James: There’s not free stuff. Speaker 1: The listeners of Minority Korner will enjoy some necessary lols, but mainly a look at what’s happening in our world through a colorful lens. Speaker 2: People will get the perspective of… marginalized communities. Speaker 1: I feel heard. I feel seen. Speaker 9: Like you said, you need to understand how to be more proactive in your community? And this is a great way to get started. James: Join us every Friday on MaxFun, or wherever you get your podcast. Multiple speakers: Minority Korner! Because together, we’re the majority.
dan
									
Hello! It’s me, Dan McCoy! Let’s do some ads.
stuart
									
Oh, okay. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Dan, did you just—did Scott Bakula just jump into your body? What happened there?
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yup! “I appear to be in some sort of podcast.” [Stuart laughs.] “I should do an advertisement.”
elliott
									
“Ziggy, get me out of here! I’m podcasting!” [Laughs.]
dan
									
Um, hey! Now more than ever, storytellers and content creators are challenged with producing more video content at a higher quality than ever before. Keep up with the growing demands for modern video content without sacrificing your vision with stock media from Storyblocks. Storyblocks is dedicated to being the world’s best royalty-free stock media subscription service with an ever-growing library that has over one million high-quality stock assets, including 4K/HD footage, after-effects and premiere pro templates, music, images, sound effects, and more. They have affordable subscription plans and tools. With Storyblocks’ unlimited all-access plan, you can get unlimited downloads of everything in their library. And even if your subscription ends, everything you’ve downloaded is yours to keep. We got some logins so we could test this out. I actually used Storyblocks for a little something for the live show we promoted earlier, and very easy to use. Very high quality footage. A lot of fun.
elliott
									
And a wide variety of footages, right?
dan
									
Yeah! A lot of stuff. A lot of stuff.
elliott
									
It’s not just the Tacoma Narrows bridge during that earthquake. There’s more footage than just that.
dan
									
Mm-hm. It’s not just the Hindenburg crashing. [Elliott laughs.] Explore their library and subscribe today at Storyblocks.com/flop. That’s Storyblocks.com/flop. And The Flop House is also sponsored in part by Hellooooo Freshhhhh. This is a box food service.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Mm-hm. Yep. Dan: Uhm— [Laughs.] Elliott: Explain what that is, Dan!
elliott
									
It’s food for boxes? [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
No! What happens is—so you get a box in the mail, right? You think, “What’s in this box?” Well it actually says Hello Fresh on the outside so you know what it is. Presumably you signed up for it. But what’s in it is—you get fresh, pre-measured ingredients and mouthwatering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door with Hello Fresh, America’s #1 meal kit. Hello Fresh cuts out stressful meal planning and grocery store trips—especially now—so you can enjoy cooking and get dinner on the table in about thirty minutes or less. And eating healthier has never been easier with low-cal, carb-smart, and vegetarian and pescatarian options every week. And no matter what you choose, every single recipe is packed with fresh produce sourced directly from farmers. I’m gonna have a Hello Fresh tonight. We also got samples of this.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: That’s why you’re drooling all over the place, right now. Right? Dan: I had one last night.
stuart
									
Because you’re so excited?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah. Don’t short out your microphone with all that drool! Dan: I’ll tell ya. I’m not—
dan
									
I’ve—as Jesse Thorn is wont to say over on Jordan, Jesse, Go! I’ve had other services like this. They’ve all been pretty good. But I really like Hello Fresh. I find the quality some of the strongest I’ve had, and delicious food. Even the low-calorie option, which is what I chose for as little as it does for me. So go to HelloFresh.com— [Elliott laughs.] —/flop10.
stuart
									
Dan, your body looks incredible.
elliott
									
Yeah. Yeah, that’s Dan fishing for compliments. We also—we’ve had two of the three Hello Fresh meals that were sent to us. My whole family enjoyed it. We had the crispy buffalo chicken with broccoli and mashed potatoes. Let me tell ya—they sent us a lot of broccoli, which is good, ‘cause we go through a lot of broccoli in our house. And the kids loved it. My younger son kept saying, “Give me the crispy parts! I want the crispy parts!” And then we had just the other night my kids had the pork flautas, which were sent to us and they liked those a lot, too! Again—crispy! Crisp ‘em up! They like crispy stuff.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: So I’m looking forward to— Dan: Well they know what’s good.
elliott
									
And I’m looking forward to having the third meal. But so far we’ve been very impressed. My wife, who is a—loves to cook and does not usually like the semi-pre-prepared things, she said it was super convenient to not have to figure out what we were gonna eat? Super convenient to know that she had all the ingredients right there and she wouldn’t have to worry about running short of something. So even she liked it. So.
dan
									
No, I agree. I’m a—people who are long-time listeners know I do a lot of cooking. Sometimes a little snobby about this kind of thing. Thought this was great. Thought it was great. So go to HelloFresh.com/flop10—that’s the numerals, not the word—and use code “Flop10” for ten free meals, including free shipping. That’s HelloFresh.com/flop10 and use code “Flop10” for ten free meals. Now you guys both have a Jumbotron. I am going to break this pool cue and you can fight over who gets to do their Jumbotron first.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I don’t need a broken pool cue. Stuart, you just go. Stuart: Oh man. Pick a—I— [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
I do not want a broken pool cue. I do not need that. That is just unnecessary clutter that will get lost in my house and I’ll find it or I’ll step on it and it’ll hurt me so Stuart, you just go. Take both halves of the broken pool cue.
stuart
									
I’m gonna take both halves of this pool cue. Wow. That’s a weapon in each hand. I’m like Miyamoto Musashi. So my—
elliott
									
[Through laughter] The legendary swordsman?
stuart
									
Yep! Two-hander technique! Okay. So. I have a J-J-J-Jumbotron! “Happy ten-year anniversary!” Oh, this is a message for Brian and it is from Amy. “Happy ten-year anniversary! I thought the Flop boys could help express my love. We may not have everything figured out this year, but I will always be on your team. I can’t imagine a better quarantine buddy. May the next ten years still be filled with dungeons, dragons, hugs, space marines, podcasts, and park tacos.” Oh, that is great.
elliott
									
Very sweet, but—hey guys—I hope your sweet meter’s not over, ‘cause here’s another sweet Jumbotron. This is for Max, last name withheld. It’s from Elaine. And it says, “Happy birthday, Max! You were making movies when you were nine. After watching a bad movie when you were twelve, you left the theatre complaining about quick-cut editing and movies that weren’t plot-driven, then told me what you would’ve changed in the third act. Still love listening to your criticism. Thanks for making me a Flopper. Love, Mom.” Adorbs!
dan
									
Aw.
elliott
									
I said “adorbs.” I added that. I apologize. You don’t have to pay for that word, mom. And I just want to remind everybody—in case that wasn’t a touching enough heartfelt message—The Flop House will be going live, Saturday, February 6th, at 9PM Eastern/6PM Pacific. Teen Wolf is what we’re talking about. That’s right—we’re finally going after the wolf! Let’s see if we’re hungry like the wolf, or the wolf is hungry for us. Teen Wolf. With presentations, audience Q&A, and more! Only $10 at www.TheFlopHouse.simpletix.com.
stuart
									
So we’re reviewing movie Wolf— [Elliott laughs.] —but when we were teenagers.
elliott
									
Yeah. We’re pretending that we’re teens watching Wolf. Which was the case.
dan
									
Yeah. Was the case. I watched it and I’m like, “Eh, okay. I guess—I mean, this is kind of… a weirdly ironically toothless satire of [through laughter] the business world?”
elliott
									
Is that the way you described it to your parents after you walked out? You said, “Hm, for a wolf that was pretty toothless.”
dan
									
Yeah. Let’s move—
elliott
									
And they said, “Someday on our deathbeds we’ll tell you how proud we are of that joke.” [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. [Sighs.] Moving on to Letters. [Elliott laughs.] Letters from listeners like you. This one’s from Youngster Lukey.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Awesome.
dan
									
Lukey writes, “A late happy holidays to you three, unless you really get into such occasions as National Bean Day on January 6th, or January 12th’s “Kiss a Ginger” day, in which case I am right on time. Like many Americans, my favorite thing to watch during the festive season is A Charlie Brown Christmas. During my perennial viewing last December, I was reminded of a time when browsing Shopko—word to my fellow Wisconsinites—that I came across a replica of the sad twig tree that Chuck brings over for Christmas. For the Christmas play. It was being sold for around $20, if I recall correctly, and at the time I thought it was really neat. But the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. I’m not upset at the prospect of Peanuts merch by any means, but I was hit with the gross irony that some big business took a symbol of modesty from a program that goes out of its way to criticize the commercialization of Christmas, mass-produced it, slapped a price tag on it, threw it in stores, and probably made a killing off of it. Of course I realize it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things and I’m certain there are plenty of people thrilled to have it. But it’s not something that I’ve been able to push out of my mind. So I wanted to ask—have you seen any movie or TV merch that has baffled you with its existence? Whether it goes against the message of the creator, has little connection to the work, or is just plain bizarre. What’s something that made an exec think they could make a buck and proceed to swan-dive backwards into hell? Keep on freeing in the Flop world. Youngster Lukey.” I think I’ve talked about before—I mean, this is probably like largely a joke product? But I’ve talked about before how I gave Elliott “the meat” that Rocky punches in Rocky.
crosstalk
									
Dan: It’s just an action— Elliott: Well there’s an action—
elliott
									
An action figure of a side of beef. Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah. I didn’t give you some—I didn’t like buy the meat that Rocky punched. [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: It’d probably be long-rotted. Elliott: You bought me some [through laughter] some—
elliott
									
—45-year-old rotted meat? And I was like, “Great, thanks, Dan. Appreciate it.”
dan
									
No. It’s a plastic side of beef. This is not—also to that point—but I just wanted to give a shoutout, Elliott, to when you—I guess it was Eric? Like, took an R2D2 cooler from a 7-11 that they were gonna get rid of? And that was used many times in your live talk shows.
elliott
									
I was just thinking about the other day, I used to do a live talk show in a basement in the comedy theatre Juvie Hall, run by our old friend Erik Marcisak. And he—yeah. He was at like a convenience store in Queens and called me and was like, “They have an R2D2 Pepsi cooler. It’s like the size of the real R2D2. They said they’ll give it to me for—” I think it was $30. And I was like, “Buy it.” And so— [Multiple people laugh.] And that became my sidekick on the show. And then when the show ended, we made a movie called The Death of R2D2 where R2D2 dies. He dies of cancer very sadly. And then it ends with Eric taking that and just dumping it in the garbage. [Dan laughs.] And then we made another movie where me and my old friend, Brock Mahan, just took—I think—baseball bats and destroyed that thing. And took out all the lining from it. There was all this weird foam in it and threw it in the air like it was snow. But yeah. That was a—
dan
									
That’s unrelated. That’s a good piece of merchandise, but.
elliott
									
It makes total sense why you would see a droid in a movie and be like, “I want to drink sodas out of that!” [Dan laughs.] I—the thing that first comes to mind for me is something I think we might’ve talked about in the past, which is how—there was this strange moment in the late ‘80s, early ‘90s, when characters from very adult movies were suddenly being merchandised for kids. And the main one that sticks with me is, like, how much Freddy Krueger merchandise there was? And there was like—I knew a kid with a Nightmare on Elm Street lunchbox and you could get a Freddy Krueger talking doll. And this is literally merchandise based on a movie about an evil child molester who kills kids in their dreams? And his face is horribly burned? And the idea that it was just like, “Yeah. Slap him on a lunchbox. Take that to school, kids.” It’s a strange thing. But maybe the most inexplicable piece of merchandise I’ve seen was that picture that went around when The Force Awakens came out of a bag of oranges that just had a picture of BB-8 on it?
stuart
									
Yeah. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
And it’s like, “So are these supposed to be better oranges because BB-8 gives his approval? Like—
dan
									
Yeah. I was like, y’know, like BB-8’s a sphere. These oranges are a sphere. It’s a natural fit.
stuart
									
Yeah. I mean, this doesn’t completely answer the question, but I do love—I did love the extreme advertising campaign for the movie Mordecai. [Multiple people laugh.] How somebody really banked hard on it and it did not work out. The—but as far as kind of recent merch, there was that bit when the Avengers: Age of Ultron came out, one of the toy sets that came out featured the Quinjet. And in the movie, the one scene that involves the Quinjet and a motorcycle hopping out has Black Widow on it. But Black Widow is nowhere to be seen in the toy set. It’s like Captain America or something riding it. And it’s like, “You didn’t think the internet was gonna flip out over this?” [Laughs.] [Multiple people laugh.]
dan
									
Yeah. You thought you were gonna get this one by?
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Um… okay. Well second to the last letter is a bit of a follow-up from a previous recent letter. From Trevor, still not Noah, last name withheld, who writes, “Hey again!”
elliott
									
Don’t—Trevor—Trevor, keep working at it. Someday you’ll be Trevor Noah.
dan
									
Yeah. “Hey again, Peaches! I never thought it would happen to me—you read my letter! My wife and I were delighted to hear someone else misquote everyone’s favorite bad boy feline. She’s certain to continue exclaiming, “Bow! Ma-mow!” After this.” [Elliott laughs.] “As to what we were watching—” If you’ll recall, we were laying bets “—I’m fairly certain it was Raising Dion on Netflix. As far as I can remember, it features no cats, which helps to explain some of my confusion. I don’t really know what made her think of your podcast at that moment. Thanks again, Trevor, still not Noah, last name withheld.”
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Trevor! Bow ma-mow! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
So yeah. That’s a mystery solved. Put that in the closed case files. Wipe it off the Wire-style big board we got up there.
elliott
									
Yeah. It’s gonna turn from red marker into black marker. Now that we’ve closed that one. Yeah. Finally.
dan
									
[Exhaustedly] Oh, boy. Guys, we got one more segment on this show. [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
What’s that?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Dan, try to pretend you’re not as tired as the audience is. Dan: Let’s just do it. [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] It’s been a long week, I think for everyone in America. This is—we’re recording this, y’know, not too long after armed insurrectionists tried to fuck up democracy.
stuart
									
Well it’s not like you work for a political comedy show or anything.
dan
									
No. Thank god we were off the air. I have no [through laughter] idea what to say about that. Anyway. So then it—
stuart
									
You just loop in like silly sound effects for all the footage, right?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I mean, that—there was a— Stuart: That’s usually what the Daily Show does, right? Dan: Mm-hm. Just like a lot of farts. Elliott: There was a period in Daily Show history when it just would’ve been—
elliott
									
—speeding up the footage and putting “Yakety Sax” on it. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Oh god. Okay. So let’s do Recommendations! Movies that maybe you should watch instead. I would normally maybe not go to bat for a huge movie over discussing a small one, depending on what I’ve watched, but I do wanna say—I don’t get all the hate for Wonder Woman ‘84. I had a really fun time. I enjoyed it. I thought it was zippy and funny. Like, I think people were not prepared for how silly it is? But silly does not mean bad. I like silly sometimes. This is the—
elliott
									
Yeah. Wild Mountain Thyme.
dan
									
Well I feel like with like Marvel, say, the unwritten rule is you can get sillier with the smaller properties. Right? And that’s where people will accept the silliness with your Ant-Mans and your Guardians of the Galaxy. So move on over to DC. DC already has all these more serious-minded, so they think, fans? And Wonder Woman is one of the big DC heroes? So like—but this was like a throwback to, y’know, like Richard Donner/Richard Lester-style Superman stuff.
elliott
									
The two Richards!
dan
									
And I really had a good time! And I thought Pedro Pascal, in particular, was fun. And I liked how the movie hinged on—like, people were like, “Ugh, it’s got a magic stone.” Shut up. It’s a comic book movie! It has a magic stone! Whatever! [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Dan, you’re really amping up on this.
crosstalk
									
Dan: No, but like—I liked— Stuart: Uh— Elliott: Dan’s opinions do not speak for the entire Flop House. I have not seen the movie.
dan
									
I liked the way that it has this wishing stone and the movie’s apocalyptic plot is that this guy sort of weaponizes everyone’s selfishness. He uses their desire to have their wish come true to create great power for himself, destabilize the world. Not too subtle a metaphor for what’s going on in the world, but I don’t care. Enjoyed it.
stuart
									
Yeah. Dan’s saying “Fans of DC movies—just like Wonder Woman urging the people to not wish for more than what they have, but to accept their lot in life.” You’re saying, “This is the Wonder Woman movie you’ve been given. Just accept it.”
dan
									
No. No. No. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] I like funny movies. I like silly movies. And I like movies that have like a little, y’know—that’s a movie that talks to the time.
crosstalk
									
Dan: The Wild Mountain Thyme. Elliott: It’s set in 1984. [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.]
dan
									
No, but it’s—I mean, the whole thing is about capitalism and the inherent selfishness of it and it has this figure, y’know, that is not too hard to read Trump into.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Who only cares for his own— Stuart: And there’s a really good scene, Elliott—
stuart
									
Where Wonder Woman catches two kids and falls on the ground and she breaks her fall with the kids? [Elliott laughs.] And they’re like super-obviously dummies. You can find the clip on the internet.
elliott
									
I mean, but even—but the—Wonder Woman, she’s so strong. Is she made out of clay in these movies, like in the comics, or no? Is she a living statue or she’s a buff—
stuart
									
I think she’s a person.
elliott
									
Okay. ‘Cause in the comics she’s—I guess she was turned into a person magically in the comics, too. But like she could’ve killed those kids by crushing them with her body.
stuart
									
With her clay body?
elliott
									
Yeah. I mean, I haven’t seen the movie and I—it’s not highest on my list? If only because, at heart, I’m a Marvel boy. Hey, I’m a Marvel zombie. House of Ideas, 100%. Stan Lee, rest in peace. This is for you, pal.
stuart
									
Excelsior, yeah.
elliott
									
Yeah. [Through laughter] Excelsior, yeah. Face front.
stuart
									
Yeah. So I’m gonna go next. Before I go, Dan, did you ever recommend Cam?
dan
									
Uh… I think I might have? But y’know, why not recommend it twice?
elliott
									
I’ll jump over—yeah. I’ll definitely recommend Cam. I’ll recommend two movies. I’ll recommend Cam. It is a horror movie about a young woman who is a professional cam girl, and she discovers one day she is very ambitious and she discovers one day that she is locked out of her account and that somebody who looks just like her is camming in her place. And her kind of life falls apart. And it is a horror movie without a lot of obvious scares, but the whole thing is put together very well. It’s very tense. And I thought it was really great and it came out a few years ago, but I feel like it feels more relevant now, both with like the rise of online sex work entering the public conversation. And also just the way that we all feel kind of isolated using our screens to communicate.
dan
									
I looked it up. I did not recommend Cam. I saw it and enjoyed it but did not recommend it.
elliott
									
Cool. I think it’s great. Check it out. I think it’s on Netflix. That—I guess that’ll be my only recommendation. I’ll save my others.
elliott
									
Okay. I’m gonna recommend—uh-oh! Stuart and I are in for a competition! ‘Cause I’m recommending a movie that’s on Amazon! Uh-ohhh!
stuart
									
Whoa! Oh no! Marvel vs DC all over again!
elliott
									
Mm-hm. But this time, it’s for real. Wait. Were those Marvel—wait, Marvel and DC, it wasn’t really for real. Right? They’re all friends in real life?
stuart
									
Wait. I don’t—I don’t know.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I mean, like— Dan: Why would I know better than you?
elliott
									
I don’t know. I thought maybe you had your finger on the pulse. You said it earlier. Oh no, Stuart said it. So I’m gonna recommend a movie that’s on Amazon right now. It’s called Blow the Man Down. It came out in 2019. It’s written and directed by Bridget Savage Cole and Danielle Krudy. I think it’s pronounced. And Margo Martindale’s in it and June Squibb’s in it and a bunch of other people. And it’s about—there’s this small town in—what is it, Maine? And these two girls who—their mother ran a fish store there. She has just died and left them with seemingly nothing. They can’t afford the house and the business is not doing well. And one of them gets into some trouble and now the two of them have to hide a body. And that kind of leads them into learning more and more about what really kind of goes on in this town and makes it function, and the kind of compromises that the women in the town have had to make with their own morals in certain senses to kind of get by and keep the town going. And which the men in the town are more or less oblivious to. And I thought it was really good. It moves along at a real quick clip and it is both super tense and I found it very affecting at the end, but it also has some funny moments. So Blow the Man Down. I recommend it.
stuart
									
And there’s a Greek chorus of fishermen in it.
elliott
									
Yes! Singing kind of sea songs. This is a movie where it’s not—I wouldn’t call it magical realist at all? But it kind of gets into a slightly stylized sense of reality that I was looking for more of in Wild Mountain Thyme.
stuart
									
This is a rare episode in which I have actually watched both movies that you guys recommended. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: This is amazing! Dan: Oh! Stuart: Yeah.
dan
									
Okay. Well, that’s it! We’re done! Go home!
stuart
									
We did it! [Laughs.]
dan
									
As Tracy Ullman would say.
elliott
									
She’d say it like this: [with accent] “Go home! Go home!” And she’d be wearing a robe.
dan
									
Yeah. So thank you to Jordan Kauwling, our producer. Thank you to MaximumFun.org, our network. Go over to MaximumFun.org to check out what else they have. They got a lot of podcasts over there. I listen to quite a bit of them personally. I enjoy them. You might as well. Rate, review, subscribe, whatever that thing is that people do to make people listen to this thing. You guys got anything to say?
stuart
									
Why don’t you check out our upcoming live show? It’s gonna be a lot of fun. I’m looking forward to doing it. I like making you guys laugh and doing silly presentations and talking about Elliott’s favorite movie, Teen Wolf.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. Well it certainly was one of the ones in high circulation at my house growing up ‘cause it was one of my sister’s favorite movies. That’s Saturday, February 6th, at 9PM Eastern/6PM Pacific. Teen Wolf. There’ll be more monster talk. I’m gonna be doing a monster-based presentation, so if you wanna hear more about monsters—check it out! Www.TheFlopHouse.simpletix.com. And until then—hey everybody, let’s try to be good to each other. Dan?
dan
									
For The Flop House, I’ve been Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
I’m Stuart Wellington!
elliott
									
And I’m Elliott Kalan Www.TheFlopHouse.simpletix.com. That’s right. I legally changed my name to have the URL of the site that sells the tickets in it.
dan
									
See ya next time!
stuart
									
Byeeee!
elliott
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
dan
									
See your beautiful faces.
elliott
									
Thank you. [Long pause.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Um… almost there. Elliott: Flattery will get you… sex. Dan: Oh, cool. Stuart: Oh, wow.
elliott
									
That was the original version of the joke. [Music ends.]
music
									
A cheerful ukulele chord.
speaker 1
									
MaximumFun.org.
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
—Audience supported.
About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.
Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.