TRANSCRIPT Ep. 298: Venom LIVE

Transcript

dan mccoy
									
On this episode we discuss: Venom!
stuart wellington
									
[Announcer voice] Live from Madison, Wisconsinnnnn! [Audience cheers.]
music
									
[Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.]
dan
									
Hey everyone, and welcome to The Flop House! I’m Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
I’m Stuart Wellington!
elliott kalan
									
I’m—I’m Elliott Kalan. [Audience cheers.]
dan
									
Yayyy! We did it, guys!
elliott
									
We did it! That’s our show! [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] We got our names right!
dan
									
Uh, so this is a podcast—
stuart
									
Yep.
dan
									
You probably know that, ‘cause you downloaded it. Uh—
crosstalk
									
Dan: And what we do— Elliott: Unless—unless—
elliott
									
—you’ve been kidnapped by some monster who’s forcing you to listen to what you assume are men in another room talking, and yet they won’t save you! [Dan laughs.] Why won’t they come in and save you? You’re screaming, but all they’re talking about is Venom! [Dan laughs. Audience laughs lightly.] It’s ‘cause it’s a podcast. I’m very sorry.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Thank you for that disclaimer! To add comfort to this fantasy man.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And if, in fact— Elliott: Or woman.
stuart
									
—all we talk about is Venom I will be very impressed. [Audience laughs.] 
elliott
									
Good point. Dan, what do we do on this podcast?
dan
									
Uh, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. Elliott: So start up that movie! Dan: And uh—
dan
									
[Laughs.] No. It’s not how we do it. We watched the movie already on your laptop in a Marriott Hotel earlier today.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. The way the film was meant to be seen. [Stuart and audience laughs.]
dan
									
Uh… so. What is this movie about? [Sighs.] [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Wait, did you—wait, did you say the name of the movie? Dan: Why—why—what? What? Elliott: Let’s—
dan
									
Uh, I sa—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I mean, it’s announced at the top. The movie’s called Venom. Dan: It’s—yeah. Stuart: Okay. Yeah.
elliott
									
Let’s me just say: this is a double-special night to me. One—as I already said to this audience beforehand in some material they loved, but you, the listening audience at home, will never get to enjoy— [Audience laughs.] —very excited to be here in Madison because I have family connections to the university, and also excited to be talking about Venom, my favorite character circa 1993-1997! [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
How—how old would you have been at this time?
elliott
									
That’s like—like, 11 to 15 or 16.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Okay. Stuart: Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Or like, 12 to 15 or 16. Venom was very—when I was a kid, growing up, Venom was the—okay. You liked one of four different characters.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
dan
									
Okay. Let’s hear it.
elliott
									
Venom, ‘cause he’s like Spiderman but he’s a monster. The Punisher, ‘cause he shoots guys in the head— [Dan laughs.] —Wolverine—
dan
									
And he—and he uses Jet-skis.
elliott
									
And he—well, he uses—he blows—yeah. Look. Kiss that Jet-ski goodbye.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yep.
elliott
									
Uh, Wolverine, because he’s the best there is at what he does—but what he is isn’t pretty, and when you’re that age you can really sympathize with someone who doesn’t feel pretty?
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Audience laughs.]   
elliott
									
You’re growing in your body, you’re changing and you feel awkward, and to have somebody like Wolverine be like, y’know what? I look cool but I don’t feel pretty sometimes, too. Sometimes I feel like someone shoved a bunch of metal in my body. [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. To suddenly have things spring out of your body—things that weren’t there before—
elliott
									
Exactly. Exactly.
stuart
									
And your hair grows into weird shapes that you can’t do in the real world.
elliott
									
Exactly! And you mentor a series of teenage girls in martial arts? [Laughs.] [Dan laughs; audience also laughs.]
dan
									
The classic teenage experience. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
And, of course, Ghost Rider was the other one. Because he has a skull for a head and it’s on fire and he hits people with a chain. [Laughs.] Now—
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Something that everyone can relate to, because they also have skulls inside their bodies. [Laughs.]
dan
									
You call them the Spencer’s Gifts heroes. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yes. [Laughs.] And my favorite was Venom, because I loved Spiderman and now it was like a Spiderman who could also eat people. And…
stuart
									
Well and also, I think, because Venom was obsessed with Spiderman and I think you were also obsessed with [though laughter] Spiderman.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I could really relate to that. Stuart: So you sense a kindred spirit.
elliott
									
I did. I liked the fact that Venom was a villain character who was not evil because he wanted something; he was evil because he hated one person. And that hate had twisted him so much and he was one of these rare villains that—I mean, Joker’s obsessed with Batman, but Joker would be very happy—in a world without Batman, Joker’s still gonna be sending poison fish to people and like robbing the—the joke bank and things like that. Y’know. [Dan and Stuart laugh.] Whatever—whatever laughing theme—he’s still gonna be—like—putting poisoned Laffy Taffy in people’s stores and things like that, y’know. [Dan and Stuart laugh.] But without Spiderman, Venom doesn’t exist! Venom doesn’t care! Venom doesn’t want to take over the world—he just wants to kill Spiderman! And so with this movie, it’s an interesting to have the conundrum of a Venom movie with no Spiderman in it! [Dan and audience laughs.] When Venom is an—explicitly a Spiderman-derived character who dresses in Spiderman’s old clothes and—because he wants to kill Spiderman—how do they do that?
stuart
									
Yeah, Dan!
dan
									
Uh… [Laughs.] They make Venom into this quasi-hero by making him a loser like Eddie Brock is!
elliott
									
So let’s talk about how this movie—how it starts. It starts in media res. Sorry, res! [Dan laughs.] We don’t get to see the top of you, just the media! There’s a private—privately-owned spaceship, crashes to earth in East Malaysia. It’s carrying some alien goo. One of the goos escapes into the body of an EMT doctor. Cut to: San Francisco! [Dan laughs.] So already, right off the bat, we’re like—the movie is hiding—it’s—a lot of movies would kinda keep their cards close to their chest? This one is like, there’s alien goo. It jumps into people’s bodies. Next scene, please. [Audience laughs.] San Francisco, we get—we meet reporter Tom Hardy, Eddie Brock. He’s a real slob. And here’s where I was like, uh, Venom ended up in San Francisco when Spiderman and him came to an agreement, but he’s a New York boy! What’s this all about? But they cover that. He is from New York, too, which is why he can talk in the most hilarious accent— [Dan and Stuart laugh. Audience joins in.]
elliott
									
Like—it’s like Tom Hardy did Bane and people were like, this voice is kind of crazy. And he was like, mmm, I can do better! [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah, he sounds like he’s doing a late-period Marlon Brando through the entire film.
elliott
									
Like, if Marlon Brando was the star of a Hanna Barbara cartoon show— [Dan laughs.] Like, that’s what he sounds like.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh, and— Stuart: It does—
stuart
									
It does feel like that accent and a lot of his performance throughout the movie, every other actor is like, [sighs], okay, I’ll just go along with this. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
I mean, I would—it—they could’ve built into his backstory that he came from, like, an affluent Long Island suburb but he wanted to seem like he was from the streets? So he gave himself this fake, like, [imitates exaggerated Marlon Brando accent] “Uh, yeah, okay, going over here, y’know, I’m just Eddie Brock. Let me ask some questions. I’m a reporter.” Uh— he is engaged to Michelle Williams, who is a high-class lawyer. Which— [Laughs.] I guess—I guess there are low-class lawyers, yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Anyway. Uh—and they are—to put it mildly—to—seeing from their apartment, the bars they go to, they are the people currently ruining San Francisco.
dan
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Uh— so you can assume every time you see their apartment that an elderly Asian or Latino lady used to live in that apartment, until the rents went up too high and they kicked her out! So, those are our heroes. Uh— [Audience laughs.] Eddie is assigned to interview the head of this space company who also—so, there’s the company called the Life Foundation. Is that just the evil alien experimenting organization, or is that also the spaceship company?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh… I mean, I didn’t— Stuart: Why are you looking at me?
dan
									
I mean I didn’t build the spaceship. Like— [Laughs.]
elliott
									
You watched the movie—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, well, I did—I don’t—I don’t know! Stuart: And wasn’t—wasn’t— Elliott: Okay.
stuart
									
—life that other movie we watched about evil alien goop?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yes, there’s a— Dan: Yeah.
elliott
									
—there’s—I don’t think we—I don’t know if we ever—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —released that episode. Dan: We never released that episode.
dan
									
It was a test episode for Skyping.
elliott
									
Yes.
stuart
									
Okay.
elliott
									
And it—and we’d failed the test, I guess. [Laughs.] [Inaudible.] But when the movie Life, which is Alien except instead of the Xenomorph—a terrifying classic monster design—it was just, like, some goop? Uh, that jumped—when that trailer came out, people were like—this is a stealth secret prequel for Venom, and it wasn’t. But watching this movie I was like, maybe it was! [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.] But—
dan
									
This—this—this—uh… this evil billionaire, this tech billionaire played by Riz Ahmed—like—
elliott
									
His name is Carlton Drake.
dan
									
Yeah. He—uh—it’s—
stuart
									
A normal name. [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
We just watched—
elliott
									
Non-evil. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: We just w— Stuart: I mean—
stuart
									
—he made his money on the Drake’s Cakes fortune, right?
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Laughs.] Okay. Elliott: Yeah.
elliott
									
And he was the basis for Carlton Banks in the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, yeah.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
I was just checking to see if you were done.
elliott
									
Yeah! Talk!
dan
									
Uh—no, it w—
elliott
									
Dan! You could just butt in! You don’t have to wait for us!
dan
									
Apparently not!
elliott
									
So go!
dan
									
Uh, no, we just watched the movie The Meg recently, and uh, in that movie Rainn Wilson was funding, uh, deep-sea diving for reasons unknown! He like, comes on to the deep-sea ship and is like, “So what are you doing here again? I’m just giving you billions of dollars.” And here it’s like—what exactly is this guy’s idea that, like, he’s just like… “I know symbiotes exists in the world somewhere, so I’m sending, randomly, rockets up in space.” Like—
elliott
									
He seems to know ahead of time what the plot of the movie is.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And that’s why he set it into motion. He believes that humanity is destroying the earth ‘cause we take, take, take, take, take and we never give back. Our future is in space, and we need to find a way to live in space. Throw some alien goop on our bodies! The only way to do it! So he’s an Elon Musk type, by which I mean—evil, and also he doesn’t really seem to know that much about his core business? [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] Or any of the other businesses that he gets involved with? [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
And he’s—he’s introduced in a scene where he’s like, explaining the basics of space travel or something, and that’s the kind of scene you see in every sci-fi movie where you’re like, why is this person explaining the very basics of this thing? LIke... why is this physics class doing day one physics? And then the camera pans around and he's telling a bunch of children and you're like, ohhh! It's supposed to be dumb! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Eddie—he’s supposed to just talk to him about rockets. It’s a puff piece. But he starts asking about the case that his fiancé is involved with, that—the company is being sued because some test subjects have died in some mysterious experiments. Of course, Eddie the investigative reporter is fired for doing some investigative reporting— [Someone laughs.] Meanwhile, in the other—and, uh, the fiancé also fired, considering her boyfriend barged into—like, started asking about a—what I guess was a secret, uh, case he wasn’t supposed to know about.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Mm-hm.
elliott
									
We saw him hack into her computer earlier, ‘cause he knows her password I guess, and meanwhile her cat looks on. That cat? I expected to be a character in the movie! Did not turn out to be!
stuart
									
I was—I was very concerned that that cat was gonna get killed at some point—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —and I was— Elliott: Yeah, but do you remember the cat’s name?
stuart
									
Um— [Laughs.] Uh, do I remember Elliott? It was Mr. Belvedere! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs; audience joins in.]
elliott
									
So automatically best character in the movie. Barely appears in it. Meanwhile, in Malaysia, that EMT? [Stuart laughs.] She steals an eel from a fish market, starts chowing it down, kills a bunch of people and the symbiote hops into an old lady. Okay. Scientist Jenny Slate is explaining to her boss, Riz Ahmed, that the aliens need host bodies; but to achieve symbiosis requires an exact match. Once again, they seem to know a lot about these new aliens that they just discovered. Drake is like, “I demand we move on to human trials!”
stuart
									
This is, uh… Drake the musician. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yes. Drake the musician is like, naw, dawg, we gotta move on to human trials! He doesn’t even say “dawg,” that’s like a Randy Jackson thing to say. [Stuart laughs.] But uh, the—and he threatens her kids. Uh-oh! Meanwhile, Eddie? He’s the kind of guy who’s friends with all the local characters. The local homeless person, the bodega owner, and he just stops into his local bodega and watches as the shopkeeper has to pay off a gunman—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —for protection. Dan: Well, but also—
dan
									
—by this point, uh… Eddie had—his life has taken a downturn because, uh, Michelle Williams, uh—he’s not only lost his job. Michelle Williams has broken up with him. Even though earlier, we saw them so enamored of one another that they had sex dangerously close to a record player that was— [Stuart laughs.] —playing a record.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: They’re—they’re at a—they’re at a bar— Dan: I was very concerned by it. Stuart: I was like—
stuart
									
—that might slice off her butt! Hellraiser style! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
They’re at a bar and she says le—they clearly have nothing in common. And she says, less talking; more kissing. Cut to them in their apartment just ripping each other’s clothes off, but the records on the turntable, which means that they took a break from making out to put the record on. Unless the way these young, gentrifying people who think they have everything in the world—unless they left that record player on the entire time they were out, wasting valuable electricity!
dan
									
I don’t think you understand how records work, Elliott.
elliott
									
I assume it just gets to the end and then skips back to the top again.
stuart
									
Okay. Oh boy.
elliott
									
Uh—Jenny Slate tips off Eddie Brock. This is when we learn her name, which is “Dora Skirth,” but we thought it was Doris Girth, which is like a Pee-Wee Playhouse character name. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] But no! It is the much more realistic name of Dora Skirth, which—I don’t know if that’s a Marvel comics reference or just a crazy great name. She takes him to the lab, and Drake—he’s—he wants to use human hosts to keep these space goops alive, and Eddie sees a homeless woman he knows in a cell. He breaks the cell open with a fire extinguisher, and she attacks him and passes the symbiote to him. Instantly, he’s a super tough fighter who escapes from the bad guy’s henchmen by climbing up a really tall tree. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. And this uh—it’s also interesting—like, the symbiote is apparently kept behind glass and it’s like, oh no! Glass! The—its only weakness is being hit really hard!
elliott
									
The glass, you mean.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Not the symbiote. Yeah. Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Yup. Yeah. Elliott: They’re like, we need the sym— Dan: It’s also the weakness—
dan
									
—of Mr. Glass, being hit really hard.
elliott
									
Most people—
stuart
									
I mean, I haven’t seen the movie yet. So you’re spoiling that. Spoilers. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Is that what happens? I mean, I haven’t seen the movie Glass, but do they hit him and he shatters and that’s it?
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Kind of!
elliott
									
Oh, okay. Well—I guess that answers that question! [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] But like, into pieces and then his hands start crawling away? [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah! Does he shatter into a bunch of tiny Mr. Glasses like in The Gate?
dan
									
Well, that—that’s the movie Shattered Glass, actually. [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
I don’t think that’s what Shattered Glass is about.
dan
									
Ehhh, I remember it differently, Elliott!
elliott
									
So—is Glass about Ira Glass or Philip Glass? [Long pause.
dan
									
Uh… they’re brothers, right?
elliott
									
I mean, they are related. But I think—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Really? Elliott: I think they’re cou—
elliott
									
They’re distant cousins, I think.
dan
									
Let’s talk about this. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Okay. They’re both prominent people with the last name “Glass.”
dan
									
Alright, well, I guess— [Elliott laughs.] —that’s all there to talk about.
elliott
									
It’s not—it’s not like it would be crazy for th—it’s not like one of them is… an alien and it would be crazy for them to—or maybe they’re both aliens!
stuart
									
Mm-hm. [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
And Philip Glass’s music is pretty crazy. And Ira Glass is always dividing things up into parts, much like an alien who’s investigating human life. [Dan laughs. Light laughter from the audience.] He’s always like, mm, everybody likes doing this, but what if they didn’t and they did it a different way? And it’s like, why do you care? [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Well he has to cate—yeah, I mean, he might be an alien cause he’s categorizing—categorizing all of This American Life.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. [Robotic voice] Tell me about this American life. [Dan laughs.] What is love? [Regular voice.] Anyway. Uh, Eddie heads home. He’s got this symbiote in him—you know what that means! He’s hungry! So he chows down on some frozen tater tots, rips a chicken out of the garbage and starts eating it, and I’m like—you left that much meat on the chicken? You should rip it out of the garbage! You wasted all that! And it’s dark meat! The best part of the chicken! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Now—now we get a little clue here. Tom Hardy sneaks in a little clue in his performance because every time he goes to the fridge to grab himself a brewski, he grabs two of them. That’s right—one for him and one for the other side of his personality. AKA, the Venom symbiote.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. So he feels real sick, passes out, and the suit starts talking to him. The suit knows his name is Eddie. The suit is—this alien that landed on earth, I guess a couple days ago, like, knows contemporary references, like—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —speaks English really well— Stuart: But it like—it like—it like—
stuart
									
—bonds with his brain, though.
elliott
									
I guess it’s bonded—it’s branded on the brain.
stuart
									
[Deep, gruff voice] And it talks like this.
elliott
									
Yeah! He’s—it’s always like—it’s like, [deep, gruff voice] “Eddie! Go over there! Pick up that thi—no, the other thing! No, pick up—go—got—just let me do it!”
dan
									
Yeah. It’s a—it’s always saying, [perky, high-pitched voice] “Eddie! How are you doing, Eddie?” [Elliott laughs.] “What’s up? Let’s go out and kill some people!”
elliott
									
This would be a very different movie—yeah, if it was like, [high-pitched voice] “Meat! I need living meat!” [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Aww, you’re so cute, Venom!
elliott
									
Uh, it’s talking to his head. He goes to—Michelle Williams has a—this is six months later, since she dumped him. Michelle Williams has already moved on and dating a nice doctor named Dan.
dan
									
They were engaged!
stuart
									
Named—named Dad?!
elliott
									
Dan! [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] His name is “Dad.”
dan
									
Six months later, she’s dating a man who has keys to her apartment after they broke off their engagement!
elliott
									
Dan, the clock is ticking.
dan
									
Alright.
elliott
									
She can no longer take the time she would before. And this is a doctor! Very handsome. Very ni—he is, like, they could’ve gone—
dan
									
He is much nicer than Eddie Brock. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah, like he’s a much better match for her—like, they could’ve gone the easy route and made him, like, a dick. He is the hero of the movie. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
He is so nice to Eddie throughout the film. So unthreatened.
elliott
									
He’s like, giving him free medical care? Just out of the goodness of his heart? Like, and he could easily let him die! This is the—his one competitor for the heart of Michelle Williams!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: A catch! Dan: I’m con—
dan
									
I’m convinced! They should’ve made the movie Doctor Dan!
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Yeah! Doctor Dan: Feet Venom. That’s what it should’ve called. [Dan and audience laugh.]  So, uh, he butts in on their lunch date, and he just starts ripping food off people’s plates and spitting steak all over the ways ‘cause he—he feeling so hot he has to climb in a lobster tank and start biting lobsters open wit his teeth. Uh—
stuart
									
This is—this is—this is part of the Oscar reel for Tom Hardy for this movie. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Uh, the doctor-boyfriend puts him in an MRI, but the soundwaves from the MRI—and now, I’m not a doctor. I know it’s magnetic stuff, but does it come out a sound? I don’t know. Or is it just a noisy machine? I’ve never had an MRI done on me—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —but I always thought it looked cool because they’d find if I was a ghost. Dan: I’ve had several. Stuart: Yeah, they suck.
stuart
									
They’re terrible.
elliott
									
They’re not good?
dan
									
I don’t—yeah. I mean, it just makes it like a kachunk-kachunk-kachunk sound. I don’t think it like makes a Venom-killing sound.
elliott
									
‘Cause I always imagined that if I like—this is—the same fantasy I’ve had since I was probably ten years old.
dan
									
[Laughs.] Okay.
elliott
									
Any time I have a test done on me—
dan
									
[Through laughter] Buckle up, guys! [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Buckle up! This is gonna get weird! Any time I’ve had a test done on me at the doctor’s, I have this fantasy—this hope I’m holding out—that they’re gonna be like—[dramatic, confused voice] “But these results don’t make sense!” [All laugh.] “There’s—we’ve never seen this before! There’s something in your system that… seems inhuman!” And then like—
crosstalk
									
Dan: You have the boy genius gene! [Laughs.] Elliott: There’s like a— [Laughs.] Yeah!
elliott
									
Well, I mean, that was the original hope. That—it’s a little late for that now. [Dan laughs.] I’m reach—like—I—I don’t know if anyone else does this, but as I get older I kind of reclassify what I should be doing that would be impressive to do at my age? [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] So like for a long time it was like, oh, I better like have my own TV show or something like that. And now it’s like—mm, should I run for president? [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Should I get a good erection? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
What—okay, Dan, hold on. [Audience laughs.] I am—
dan
									
You’re getting old, is what I’m saying.
elliott
									
This is—I mean… I’m not familiar with the phrase—with the concept, even—of like a bad erection? [Dan laughs boisterously; audience joins in.] And if anything—if anything, I had more bad erections when I was a teenager and a warm room could give me an erection! [Dan laughs, then coughs.]
dan
									
I’m talking about an evil erection. Like [though laughter] one that’s got really—
elliott
									
That—what, like a—like a serial killer’s penis is grafted onto my body?
dan
									
[Through laughter] Yeah, that’s right. [Laughs, coughs.] [All laugh at length.]
elliott
									
I—Dan—your mind is a place I do not care to go. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] Okay. So the MRI—the sound makes the symbiote goes nuts. Uh, Dora—Jenny Slate gets found out by Drake. He exposes her to a symbi-ite—symbiote—she dies, along with a third symbiote. There’s just two left: the Venom symbiote, and there’s one that’s just bopping around Malaysia. Uh, the Life Foundation guys? The henchmen? They show up at Eddie’s place and Eddie’s like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don’t shoot!” and the symbiote is like, [deep voice] “You’re being a wimp! Let me take care of these guys!” And he does it by doing a lot of, like, Stretch Armstrong taffy arm stuff where he’s swinging people around and stretching a lot?
dan
									
Yeah. And if you want to see a scene with someone who—who looks like Tom Hardy doing basically this in a better movie, watch Upgrade.
stuart
									
Mm-hm. That’s—that’s fair.
dan
									
That’s my public service announcement.
stuart
									
But it’s less slimy.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
I do like slimy stuff. Like, my favorite Ghostbusters ghost character—
dan
									
Taxi Driver. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yep! Taxi driver ghost. [Laughs.] The legitimately most scary ghost in the entire movie.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: When I was a— Stuart: With the whole, like, rotten head guy? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah, that—when I was a kid that was the one shot where I always covered my eyes when it was coming. And now he just looks like the Cryptkeeper’s brother who rides a taxicab.
stuart
									
I’ve—I’ve mentioned this before, but the first time—
dan
									
The scary stuff is the fare! Am I right?
elliott
									
Ohhhhh! [Audience laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Alright, sorry I’ll—sorry I scared—what were you— Elliott: How many scare— Stuart: I mean—
stuart
									
The scary thing is the way that tech companies are ruining traditional cabbies’ lives, Dan. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] But— [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
We’re getting real—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —political. We’re getting real anti-Silicone Valley on this one. Dan: Yeah. This whole episode is really, uh…
stuart
									
Uh, but the—when I saw Ghostbusters in the theater, I was a little kid— [Laughs.] And my mom covered my eyes for that opening sequence with that ghost.
elliott
									
The library ghost?
stuart
									
Yeah. And I was like—
elliott
									
She was like, “Don’t look at that library!” [Laughs.]
stuart
									
And afterwards I was like, “Mom, mom! What did it look like!” And her definition was—it looked like Skeletor.
elliott
									
I mean, I am impressed your mom knew who Skeletor was.
dan
									
Yeah. Definitely.
elliott
									
I mean, I’m constantly—
stuart
									
Yeah, this is basically me saying my mom’s cool. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
I am constantly impressed by Stuart’s mom’s knowledge of things that we like?
dan
									
And the amount that she tweets about the podcast!
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Or the—when she tweeted “So what is hentai?” to me. [All laugh boisterously.]
elliott
									
That was a fun Thanksgiving after that, I imagine. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] Okay. So—the Life Founda—so anyway. Venom is taking over Eddie’s body, and he’s acting the way—it’s very weird. ‘Cause this scene is written—as I was saying to these guys while we were watching it—as if like Thomas Middleditch was playing the part. He’s like, “Whoa! Oh, watch out!” and he like knocks the guy over and he’s like, “Sorry about your friend! Oh boy!” but it’s—he looks like Tom Hardy, a guy I’m used to seeing beat the shit out of people in movies. [Laughs.] Like, Tom Hardy can disappear into certain types of characters. I do not believe he can disappear into like… a weakling. He’s always gonna be Bronson to me.
stuart
									
And also the idea that they’re painting him as, like, a fumbling loser, but… like, he was an investigative reporter that has his own, like, man-on-the-street show. Like, you have to be at least somewhat competent to do that for a while, right?
elliott
									
I would think so!
stuart
									
I would imagine.
elliott
									
I mean, I don’t—we don’t know the news business that well.
stuart
									
And this whole— [Laughs.] Yeah. This whole action sequence, they must have recorded like 40 hours of just scat dialogue from Thoma—Tom Hardy being like, “Oh! Oh, that guy there too? Oh no!” [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs; audience joins in.] [High voice] “I’ll get him, Eddie!” [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Uh—
stuart
									
And he’s—he’s doing the voice of Venom as well—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Right? Elliott: He does the Venom voice also.
elliott
									
And apparently what I was reading is that he would do the Venom voice in the morning and then they would play it back to him through an earpiece during the scenes so he could react to it like it was really in his head! ‘Cause it was! [Stuart laughs.] It was in his head with its guns and its bomb—zombie, etc. etc! Let’s hear it for The Cranberries, everybody! [Laughs.] Anyway. So—this leads to the famous-from-the-trailer motorcycle chase where these cars are just chasing Eddie on his motorcycle through San Francisco. Police? Not interested. As car—there’s also like exploding drones that are just—hurling themselves at Eddie and blowing up cars and passers-by, I think? Uh, the symbiote at one point, uh, he reaches out and steers two cars to get them away from Eddie so it’s like, okay, so he knows how to drive a car also? [Laughs.] Like—uh, Eddie finally suits all the way up, bites a bad guy’s head off, and then jumps off into the Bay to have a one-on-one conversation. The suit detaches himself slightly so that it can be a head on a stalk looking back at Eddie. Uh, like one of those weird Japanese ghosts that Hellboy fought once? Where they’re like heads on long stalks that leave their bodies at night? You know what I’m talking about.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dan: Yeah, and let’s just—
dan
									
You know, let’s just be honest with ourselves. Uh, outside of the comics page—and pretty much inside of the comics page—Venom looks pretty silly.
elliott
									
Uhhhh—you’re a crazy person. [Dan laughs.] He’s like if Spiderman was crossed with a demon and a gorilla. Like, that’s the best character ever. Here’s why he looks silly—the movie doesn’t have that big white spider on his chest! So he just looks like this big veiny goop!
stuart
									
Yeah, and he’s extra goopy. Like, in the comics, there’s something about the way that suit just doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Talk about a bad erection! Would it be like—everyone’s gonna know about it! So the suit tells him that his name is Venom. Okay. Cool. He gave himself an earth name, I guess— [Audience laughs.] Or unless it’s just an alien name that happens to sound like a word that fits. And the suit seems to refer to itself as “we,” which pissed me off ‘cause when Venom says “we,” he’s talking about himself and Eddie! Eddie and the suit! Come on! But here he’s already a “we,” unless he’s just a guy who talks in the third person or the royal we—what I’m—guess what I’m saying is, the suit has a lot of unearned personality by this point in the movie. [Audience laughs.] Uh, for some reason that I don’t remember why, Eddie goes to his old office. They are met in the lobby by a whole SWAT brigade, and Venom is just straight-up murdering policemen. Just like hurling them around each other. For some reason, Annie his fi—his ex-fiancé is there, and she sees it happen and she’s like—it—it—and it’s like, uh, any of these—it’s like, uh, any movie where someone walks in on someone doing something embarrassing. He’s just like—“ohhhh what?! No, Annie!” [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] Like—like this is—this is Ben Stiller getting his—his balls caught in his zipper from There’s Something About Mary. Except he was just a monster killing SWAT cops.
dan
									
Yeah. And—and her reaction is basically just like she walked in on someone nude that she should’nt’ve seen.
elliott
									
“Eddie! Uhhh, sorry, I didn’t know there was someone in here killing SWAT cops!” Uh, she gives him a ride in her car, and this is when Venom in Eddie’s brain is like, “You really lo—you missed an opportunity to apologize to her! This is a good opportunity to do that!” [Someone laughs.] ‘Cause Venom instantly is like, “You two belong together!” Which is crazy.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stuart: That’s his like—
stuart
									
—it’s like a “Walk Like a Man” moment.
dan
									
He came down to earth to be like a romance advice columnist all of a sudden.
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s a very Cyrano—
elliott
									
Yeah, like Venom was—his previous host was Hitch, starring Will Smith. [Stuart laughs.] Meanwhile, the last symbiote has already passed on to a little girl because there’s nothing more evil than an evil little girl. She shows up—
dan
									
Who has flown from Malaysia—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —to the US by herself, apparently! Elliott: By herself!
elliott
									
It’s so many questions! I’m like—
stuart
									
Dan has trouble doing that and he’s a grown man! [Elliott laughs; audience joins in.]
elliott
									
He barely got here! [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] Ve—and so she—she passes her—the symbiote on to the bad guy, Drake, and his reaction—
stuart
									
So, wait. Why did they separate this one symbiote for this long time when it just ends up joining with the other ones? It coulda—
elliott
									
I think it was partly a way to tell the audience ahead of time, this is—it jumps—it can jogo from host to host, and also because I’m guessing there was some kind of Asian financial backing and they needed to shoot part of it in Asia.
stuart
									
Oh, okay.
elliott
									
And also to create that feeling of, like, uh-oh, when these things meet up there is gonna be T—trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with V and that stands for Venom! [Dan laughs. Audience joins in; scattered cheering.] ‘Cause we got trouble, boys! Right here in San Francisco!
dan
									
You are so fucking lucky that T rhymes with V. [Audience laughs boisterously.]
elliott
									
Uh—most of the letters rhyme with T, Dan! [Dan laughs. Audience renews laughter.] E, V, D, Z—I didn’t invent the alphabet! [Dan laughs.] But whoever did made it perfect for my purposes. Anyway, we got trouble! Right here in San Francisco! You ruined my momentum. I can’t think of anything else. Alright. Forget it. [Audience laughs.] Well, you can all go home and dream of the song that might’ve been. [Dan laughs.] If—if language arts Dan didn’t decide to— [Dan laughs.] —forget about the alphabet. So—
dan
									
You could just—put on the Music Man theme and play our podcast at the same time and it’ll be basically the same thing.
elliott
									
Why wouldn’t—it’s a duet of pleasures! Do that, yeah! [Stuart laughs.] I mean, it’s not the Music Man theme, but you know.
dan
									
Alright. The soundtrack to The Music Man, I meant.
elliott
									
Thank you. Okay. So! Anyway, but his—so I wanted to say, uh—
stuart
									
A duet of pleasures—is it going to be your solo album? [Laughs.] [All laugh, including audience.]
dan
									
Wait, why is it a duet of pleasures if it’s a solo album?
elliott
									
‘Cause I’m that good, Dan! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
It really makes you think, dude.
elliott
									
‘Cause it’s me. I’m doing all my own backing vocals and I’m also my own hype man. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Okay.
elliott
									
So uh—the—there’s a—I’ll sing something and then I’ll—and then I’ll just duck to another microphone and go “That’s right!” and [inaudible]. Uh, so—this evil billionaire is wandering around his office alone at night ‘cause I guess he lives there— [Stuart laughs.] —and a little girl wanders up and he’s like, hey, are you lost? And it’s like—wait a minute. [Audience laughs.] One, he’s evil. And he—we’re meet—you’re—we’re supposed to be, like, this guy is the worst of the worst. Oh, he really is worried about this little girl, doesn’t know where her parents are! Two, if you were in your secure lab— [Audience laughs.] —somebody already broke into it and stole an alien goop, you want that goop back and you sent out exploding drones to get it, suddenly—maybe he doesn’t not sur—that little girl wanders past your security? Maybe he’s not surprised, ‘cause he sent all his henchmen out to go find Eddie— [All laugh.] —so he’s there, he’s like, “I guess I’ll watch the place myself!” [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah, he’s like wondering if she’s lost ‘cause he assumes she’s like a temp worker or something? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
Or just like, a tourist! Which reminds me, there’s a scene where Eddie is taking the cable car to get somewhere? And it’s like, this dude doesn’t live in San Francisco. Like, what kind of resident takes a cable car? [Someone laughs.] Show him on a MUNI bus getting mad that it’s so slow. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Later one you see him eating something out of a sourdough bread bowl and you’re like, ooh! This makes me so angry!
elliott
									
He’s just dumping Rice-a-Roni into his mouth? [Audience laughs.] At the Ghirardelli Chocolate Factory at Fisherman’s Wharf? Look at all those seals! Amazing! [Audience laughs.] Like, these are not things—oh, the Full House house! I better take a picture of it! [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] So… this place is great! Anyway.
stuart
									
There—there is a moment early on in the movie where Eddie’s at a bar drinking and I’ve actually drank in that bar! It’s called Edinburgh Castle, uh, and they also shot So I Married an Axe Murderer there, so.
dan
									
So…
stuart
									
It’s pretty exciting!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: You know—I live in— Dan: Fucking bar name dropper over here!
dan
									
I don’t understand. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
I live in New York, Dan, so I don’t often see things that are being filmed or have been in films? [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Alright. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Says the man who was talking about Ghostbusters earlier? [Laughs.] Okay.
stuart
									
I don’t [inaudible].
elliott
									
So. Uh, Anne uses the MRI at the doctor’s office to separate Eddie and Venom. They think they trapped Venom, but—uh-oh!—he gets out through the air vents, but not before Eddie is captured by Drake’s goons. Drake is like, look at me! I can Venom out, too! I’ve got a symbiote named Riot that is on me! And—
dan
									
Also, I—I- just wanna say, like, uh, apparently Eddie’s heart is atrophied at this point? Which is what the—Doctor Dan tells him that? But—Venom leaves him and Eddie’s wandering around perfectly fine.
elliott
									
Yeah.
dan
									
So… I—
elliott
									
I think he was misdiagnosed, and it was actually just an achy breaky heart. [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Okay.
stuart
									
Or an untamed heart.
elliott
									
Or it could be an untamed heart or a wild at heart.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Although though in that movie— Dan: Well, you’re not supposed to tell someone—
dan
									
—about an achy-breaky heart.
crosstalk
									
Dan: From what I— Elliott: Only because they wouldn’t understand!
dan
									
Oh, okay. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Uh—
stuart
									
And I do like that—as—when they separate them they have this, like, alien goop bouncing around in, uh, in the room. And— [Laughs.] they decide to have like a relationship conversation? [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Doctor Dan and Michelle Williams’ character? Elliott: It’s really funny—
elliott
									
—‘cause Doctor Dan is like, why didn’t you tell me about this? And Annie is like, there’s nothing between Eddie and me. I promise. And the doctor—being the best person in the movie, is like—I’m not talking about that! I’m talking about this alien goop! [All laugh, including audience.] That you brought into my office! Like, it’s like—there’s bigger things in the universe right now than your relationship stuff! Like—but uh—but like of all—but head the—don’t—be like, I’m sorry, I buried the lede that I ha—that I ran into my old boyfriend. There’s an alien in my office! Uh, they take— [Dan laughs.] —for some reason the henchmen, instead of killing Eddie in the controlled—oh, so, so Drake’s now got his own symbiote, Riot. Riot looks like he’s a kinda medley and he can turn his hands into big carnage saws. Uh, in order—instead of executing Eddie in the controlled confines of the lab, they take him out into the woods, Miller’s Crossing style—I guess to make it look like a bear attacked him? [All laugh.] Or one of the—one of the escaped chimps from the first Planet of the Apes movie?
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah, a bear attacked him with the guns they’re going to use to shoot him. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Yeah! Hey, I guess it’s the right to… bear arms.
crosstalk
									
Dan: No! No! No! Elliott: Yes! And I love someone in the audience said “no” before I said it! [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
When you said “no” I only wanted to do it more! [Audience laughs.] Okay, so. Uh… of course he’s not gonna get killed ‘cause the Venom symbiote shows up. Who—wait—who’s the host? It’s Annie! She’s She-Venom. She bites ‘em—the—the lead henchman’s head off, because—again— [though laughter] heroic actions. Uh, al—although she might eat the whole body. The body just kinda disappears like it’s a Double Dragon game. [Dan^ laughs.] So maybe she just swallowed the whole thing down in one gulp, which leads me to wonder—where did the mass of that man’s body go when it entered the body of a much smaller person, and then the suit—she gives Eddie a pretty deep soul kiss, which the symbiote uses to move back onto Eddie.
stuart
									
Yeah, and—it basically looks like Eddie and—and Venom are making out. Which is… kinda cool. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
I mean w—it’s—it’s like—
dan
									
That is the part that people on the internet have frozen, I’m sure. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] And watched over and over again. I would be surprised if there’s not a gif of that out there in the world.
elliott
									
I wouldn’t—yeah! That—I bet it—that makes sense. If you’re looking for someone to argue with that proposition, I will not!
stuart
									
So they pretty quickly at this point go from… uh, running away from the bad guys, not knowing what’s going on, to immediately deciding to save the world.
elliott
									
Yes. Venom is like—
stuart
									
They take it all in stride.
elliott
									
The Venom symbiote is like, “Riot wants to send a spaceship out to get more symbiotes and bring it back to earth! You know what? Among the symbiotes, I’m kind of a loser. Just like you’re a loser among humans, and—"
stuart
									
Wait, its name is “Riot?” Is that an alien name?
elliott
									
I don’t know! [Dan laughs.] Their names—
stuart
									
Is that a translation from symbiote language? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
I don’t know! I mean, in the comics they were named by—I mean, comic creators were trying to knock off Venom, but like, uh, so that’s like “Toxin” is another one of the symbiotes.
stuart
									
Pois—poison powers, or no poison?
elliott
									
There’s one—no. And there’s one called, like, “Pha—Phage,” or “Phage”—what, not like the yogurt.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Ohhhh! Yeah. [Laughs.] Elliott: Like a germ. You know.
elliott
									
Like a virus. So like—but it’s weird that the—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —aliens already gave themselves these names? Stuart: I mean, the yogurt would be more appropriate—
stuart
									
—based on what they look like.
elliott
									
I guess—eh! Good point! That’s—and there’s little bits of fruit at the bottom, so y’know. [Laughs.] [All laugh.] The—I—I imagine that the a—that the symbiotes are like, this is my—this is my tag. [Dan laughs.] “My na—my name’s Percival, but you can call me ‘Riot.’” You know. So, uh, the—and it’s one of—this—what I was waiting for was… uh, I wanted a moment where Tom Hardy goes, “I’m not—can’t—we can’t save the world! I’m not like a superhero!” And I wanted them to say, “I can’t do it and you can’t do it, but we can do it.” And that would’ve been like, the one moment where—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I’d’ve been like, okay. Stuart: Elliott would’ve started crying. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
I know! Because I’m a big fan of any movie—like, when we watched the Power Rangers movie, I’m like, any movie that’s about people having to work together to achieve a goal? I’m like, yes! Definitely! That’s why I love The Martian. It’s a movie with no villain that’s all about how people need to work together to save Matt Damon’s stupid ass from Mars. [All laugh.] So anyway— [Laughs.] ‘Cause he’s too busy—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —growing potatoes. He—uh… he could’ve had the decency— Dan: I mean, it’s not really his fault he’s trapped on Mars. I mean, there was an accident and the—
elliott
									
—to try to jump really far to get back to earth. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Okay. It was like, John Carter?
elliott
									
Yeah, exactly! Yeah!
dan
									
[Through laughter] Alright.
elliott
									
So uh… but they—but instead they don’t have that. it’s just like, “Alright, I guess we’re saving the world!” And it—it—this movie feels so ‘80s in that way? Where it’s like—the characters are just like, “Alright! I guess we’re heroes now!” Uh—
dan
									
And also the movie doesn’t not really give, like, Venom that much of a motivation for suddenly wanting to save the world? It’s not like the movie’s like, “Oh, y’know, he’s bonded so much with Eddie that—"
crosstalk
									
Dan: “—like, he’s gotten human.” Elliott: Or even like Venom—
dan
									
Or like, Venom’s like, “Oh, you guys have pizza down here! I really love pizza!”
elliott
									
Yeah! They needed that scene where Venom eats, like, human food and is like, “Oh, I like this!” Instead—the closest we get it they climb to the top of a tall building and Venom’s like, [deep voice] “It’s pretty beautiful around here. I guess I didn’t see that before.” It’s like—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I guess it is— Dan: And—and based on—
elliott
									
But—so the symbiote has the same aesthetic ideas about a lit-up city at night that we do? Like, what—
stuart
									
And based on the voice, I think he would really like cookies! ‘Cause he sounds like Cookie Monster! [All laugh, including audience.]
elliott
									
Now, are you suggesting that Cookie Monster is a—is a symbiote on a host Muppet?
dan
									
Better yet, are you suggesting that all people with the same voice have the same tastes? [All laugh.]
stuart
									
I mean, I think a little bit of both, right, guys? [All laugh.] Has anyone checked on Gritty? If Gritty likes cookies? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Through laughter] I would—I have to assume that Gritty loves cookies—I mean—I mean— [breaks into laughter.] Dan: [Through laughter] Has anyone checked on Gritty? Stuart: Yeah. Has anyone checked on Gritty? Is he doing alright? I’m worried about him! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Worried about Gritty!
dan
									
His wife left him!
elliott
									
Guys, we need to talk about Gritty. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] Uh, I mean I assume that Gritty enjoys every form of vice— [Stuart laughs.] —he’s basically like all the worst aspects of Philadelphia in one adorable character. [All laugh.] Uh—uh—Gritty is like, there’s nothing he can do—like, I—I feel like if he robbed a bank people would be like, “That’s our Gritty!” [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah, Antifa mascot? Gritty. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Uh, so they’re like, Riot is launching a spaceship to his alien planet. And… one of his workers in the control room is about to abort the launch ‘cause I guess he realizes his villa—his boss is evil. Riot reacts poorly to this and kills everybody there. Suddenly, Venom and Riot are fighting on top of, like, the catwalk near this rocket ship? Which is like, wait a minute, so was Riot gonna get in the ship after he launched it? Like, I don’t understand. Riot has also all these hand axes; it’s a big CGI monster fight until it’s just, like… two humans engulfed in liquid goop that are fighting each other? And this part—
stuart
									
That—that looked pretty cool.
elliott
									
It was pretty cool. So, it’s like, oh, yeah, okay, they’re making the most of these guys being made out of goop, until Annie blasts them with feedback from the speakers mounted around the rocket ship, so the rocket ship could listen to the final countdown to get pumped for the flight— [Stuart and Dan laugh; audience joins in.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yup! And there’s a—so—their, uh, symbiotes are blasted off of them. And the—the two guys just start fighting again. Which I was kinda bummed by. I was kinda hoping that they would’ve been like, “Uh, we don’t got our things anymore! Uh, let’s just run away!” [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah, it turn—briefly turns into the Iron Man 3 of Venom.
dan
									
Or they just like start slapping each other instead of— [All laugh.]
elliott
									
I mean, that would be great! If they’re like, “Eh! Ow! Uh!” But instead they—I guess they learned how fight from the—from the symbiotes. All this time they thought they were teaching Riot? Riot was teaching us! Anyway. Uh, Drake stabs Venom-less Eddie, but Venom—the Venom suit saves him. And they kind of do what Jason Statham does in The Meg, when Jason Statham uses the edge of his wave underwater glider to cut open the belly of the meg? Spoiler alert. Where Venom’s like, “You just stabbed me with this giant symbiote ax? I’m just gonna jump down the rocket ship and scrape down a big hole until it explodes!” Which… happens. The—R—Riot is blown up; the spaceship’s blown up; San Francisco—I assume—deals with a spaceship blowing up. [Dan laughs.] Right—right outside its city limits. Uh, and the Venom symbiote appears to die while saving Eddie in the form of a parachute. Because at this point it has gone full Plastic Man and just… just—and it should have that voice that you—what—what would it sound like when he’s saving—
dan
									
“Wheeeee!” [All laugh.]
stuart
									
So we then—we then cut to a funeral where Tom Hardy’s burying a shoebox that has Venom— [All laugh.]
elliott
									
I wish! That would be so great!
dan
									
But he’s burying him in—in the Pet Cemetery.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Whaaat!? Elliott: Oh noooo!
elliott
									
That’s insulting! It was more than a pet! [All laugh.] It was a lover! [Audience laughs.] But there’s a—there’s a scene where it is implied that the Venom symbiote takes on a dog as a host body to escape from a hospital? And we never see that dog use Venom powers. And it’s like what goddamn movie did you think you were making? [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Yeah. At that point we’re like, “Are we watching The Mask again?” [Laughs.] [All laugh.] Somebody stop it! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
It’s bad enough that they teased it—a lovable cat named Mr. Belvedere and gave him barely—I assume that all his scenes are on the cutting room floor. [Dan laughs.] But uh, so—the—I imagine they ran the tests, they’re like, “We ran some audience tests on this dog Venom? All—when—as soon as the symbiote leaves the dog and goes back to a human? The test scores plummet.” [Dan and Stuart laugh.] Eddie and Annie are talking on Eddie’s stoop. Annie says the immortal line, “I’m sorry about Venom.” [All laugh.] Which is amazing.
stuart
									
To be fair, what do you say to a man who’s lost a symbiote? [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
You say, “I’m sorry about V—” but it’s just so funny that Venom is the—like, not even—“I’m sorry about y—” Like, if she was like, “I’m sorry about your—"
crosstalk
									
Elliott: “thing.” Dan: Your friend?
elliott
									
But it’s like, we—we’re all buddies with Venom now! [Dan laughs.] Like—uh—
stuart
									
We all have a little Venom inside of us!
elliott
									
Especially Eddie! ‘Cause it turns out? Venom’s not dead! Venom’s living on inside Eddie! And Venom’s like, “Eddie! We need to get back together with Annie! She’s—she’s the right one for us!” And it’s like, “Let it go!” [All laugh.] Like—
dan
									
She’s happy now!
elliott
									
She’s happy! She has a better match. Eddie is a—piece—is a slimeball, essentially! Like—
stuart
									
I don’t know, man, I think like—in the right circumstances, a thruple could work. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
So this is a real unicorn situation? Where the threesome partner is a symbiote?
stuart
									
Well, I—yeah! I think so! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
But it’s also—it’s like, “Symbiote, don’t be a creep!” Like, let her move on with her life. There’s other fish in the sea. You know that Venom’s gonna be standing outside her window with that boombox, blasting— [Dan laughs.] —that Venom song in the credits that just goes “Venom, venom, venom, venom, venom!” [Audience laughs.] [Dan laughs.] Uh, there’s a brief Stan Lee cameo—rest in peace—uh, it was wonderful to see him even though the cameo’s kind of dumb. ‘Cause he’s like, “You guys are both gonna be good. Wink!” So is—so Stan Lee knows that he’s a—got a Venom inside of him? Uh— [Someone laughs.]  
dan
									
By this point, the movie is surely over—right Elliott? ‘Cause us, it seems like everything’s been wrapped up in a tiny little Venom bow!
elliott
									
Sure seems like it! But first we gotta see Eddie walk down the street, talking to Venom about how—okay, we’ll eat some people, but only bad people. They go back to the bodega; the guy from earlier shows up and threatens the owner. Venom shows up and he’s like, “You ever come back here and do this—you run away! And if you ever come back? I’m gonna bite off your arms, legs, and your face.” And he says, “Then you’ll be just an armless, legless, faceless thing, rolling in the wind like a turd.” Or something like that. Which is like—that’s a powerful wind! [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah! Stuart: Yeah!
dan
									
Those are hurricane-force winds! If turds are blowing around!
elliott
									
Unless it’s been lying around so long that it’s just a dried-up stick at that point! Like—but uh, and then—and then—he—it’s like why—he did—he was wasting our time, ‘cause he goes, “On second thought!” And he just eats him anyway! [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
He likes to play with his food.
elliott
									
He’s like, [deep voice] “You know what, Eddie? Ever since you showed me Princess Bride I’ve wanted to do a speech like he gives at the end.” [All laugh.] And then—
stuart
									
And then he morphs—just morphs back into Tom Hardy. He shares a quip with the woman who owns the bodega—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Who has just seen him turn into a monster and eat a man! Stuart: Who is nonplussed at this! [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah! And she’s like, “It’s a living!” But. [All laugh.]
dan
									
Like, “Thanks! I have a headless body to clean up and explain now.”
elliott
									
Yeah, uh, “Cleanup in aisle everywhere?” [All laugh.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] “Oh, shit!” [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Uh, you d—you know Eddie’s just like, “And I’ll take this 5-Hour Energy drink, too.” Glug! Uh—the credits start rolling. Is there a mid-credit scene? Of course there is! We gotta—we gotta start the sequel already! Eddie rides his motorcycle to San Quentin. He’s been chosen by a serial killer to be interviewed—to interview him at this high-security prison, which—I don’t know what San Q—I mean, I—I listen to Ear Hustle. I don’t know if San Quentin is really like it says on the podcast, but they make it seem like it’s a medieval fortress where they keep people. And uh—the serial killer—it’s Cletus Kasady, as played by Woody Harrelson in—would you call it a Little Orphan Annie or Ronald McDonald wig? [All laugh.]
dan
									
I—yeah! It’s weird! I—I would not have chosen a famously bald person for this role? [All laugh.] ‘Cause it’s just like—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Patrick Stewart turned it down! Dan: —extra heightens—
dan
									
It extra-heightens how ridiculous that hair looks.
elliott
									
I mean, at that point, to be honest? No one resembles Cletus Kasady more physically than Carrot Top. [Dan and Stuart laugh.] They’re like, “Throw him in the movie!” He would be really good at it! I assume they got Woody Harrelson because Cletus Kasady is a Southern boy. But—and that’s what Woody Harrelson plays for the most part. But—uh—it’s—what’s—I’m like, okay. In the comics, Eddie Brock is blonde. Here he’s played by a brunette, Tom Hardy. I don’t care! That’s fine! So why does Woody Harrelson’s hair have to be the same as Carnage’s, ‘cause he looks ridiculous! And he goes—and Woody Harrelson’s like, “Look, we could play our little serial killer cat-and-mouse mind game game, but let’s not do that.” This is after we’ve seen him already write “Welcome Eddie” in his own blood on the wall of his cell. [All laugh.] And he goes, “Let me just tell you this. If I get out? There’s gonna be carnage.” And it’s like—and then—cut to the rest of the credits. And it’s like— [Stuart laughs.] Wait a minute.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Through laughter] Yeah. Porky Pig shows up. Elliott: So he’s saying— [Laughs.] [All laugh.]
elliott
									
[Porky Pig stuttering impression] But e—but e—but e—that’s shoehorned in, folks! [Laughs.] It’s such a—and like, he needs to say “carnage” so that people know, “Oh, it’s gonna be Carnage in the next movie!” ‘Cause what other villain does Venom have? Is it gonna be The Mace? No. Nobody remembers that character. Even though the series he was in was called Venom: The Mace. Anyway. So that’s for the real Venom-head—Ven-heads out there. [Laughs.] That’s for the real V-Boys.
dan
									
The real Ven-mos.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Ven-mos! [Audience laughs.] Do you think there was—do you think—there should’ve been a scene where some, like, tech startup douche was like walking along and he heard him saying, “We are Venom!” And he was like, “Venom? Venmo! That’s what I’ll call my payment app! That’s what I’ll call my app that makes it so people don’t ever have cash on them and homeless people die of starvation! ‘Cause they don’t get money!”
crosstalk
									
Dan: Jesus! Elliott: Come on! That’s what they—
elliott
									
Oh, ah, yeah! ‘Cause I’m the one who’s doing that! [Dan laughs.] I’m for a cash-full society, Dan. So—but anyway. But it’s like—what—what—Cletus Kasady is saying is, “Don’t let me out,” [though laughter] basically. It’s not a—it’s a weird message for him to deliver in an interview. “Here’s my message to the world: keep me [though laughter] in prison!” [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
“I am way too dangerous to trust!”
elliott
									
And then, uh… the credits seem—the—uh, we looked at the time bar and it was like, “How are there 12 minutes of credits after this?” It’s because they then threw in a scene from Into the Spider-Verse to, like, get you interested in that? And it’s like, what a weird chaser to throw onto the i—iTunes of Venom. It’s like a scene from a much better movie.
dan
									
I think that was in theaters, too! From what I—
elliott
									
Did they do that in theaters?
dan
									
From what I understand, I think so.
stuart
									
Oh, that’s great. Yeah. That uh—it’s like in that—in Reign of Fire, where they’re acting out the scenes from, uh, Star Wars, and you’re like—oh, yeah! St—I could just be watching Star Wars now! [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Uh… yeah! So that’s, uh, Venom! The movie!
elliott
									
Yeah. [Audience cheers.]
dan
									
Uh… we should, uh, give our final judgments on it.
elliott
									
What—what not-entirely-appropriate-categories to my emotions are there?
dan
									
[Laughs.] Okay. Well, our traditional categories are: is this a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie we kinda liked. Uh, Elliott, you seem very, uh, ambivalent!
elliott
									
I do. ‘Cause here’s the thing: it’s not any of those things for me. I didn’t—they—there were things I do—what I like in it are the parts that are crazy nutso. And—but they’re—like, the action scenes don’t really work for me and it’s like, I couldn’t tell if I liked that it felt like a 1980s action movie where the characters just kind of do whatever based on what the plot needs to do? Or if that bugged me? It’s like, I don’t need a realistic version of a movie where a guy has a magic costume that gives him spider powers? Y’know? But uh—or—unless I guess it’s a magic ring that gives them—what is it? Flight powers in that—it’s a movie version of Fortress of Solitude by Jonathan Lethem. That’d be pretty cool. Has to be pretty realistic. Right? Anyway. Forget it. [Audience laughs.] That’s—but uh—but like, I didn’t really like it that much ‘cause it was like—y’know, they made Venom kinda generic? And it really bothered me that the Venom character has no learning curve about life on earth? He’s just instantly like, [deep voice] “Cool! Party, dude!” [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] Like—there’s a part where, uh, where—he’s—he—the first time you really hear him talk a lot, he’s like, [deep voice] “You’re being a wimp! Stop being such a pussy!” And it’s like, what the hell is this? [All laugh.] So I would say it’s not really any of those things. It’s not terrible, but it’s not amazing. Like Spiderman.
stuart
									
So, yeah. That didn’t fit any of the categories.
elliott
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Um, I—I’m gonna say this is kind of a—this is a movie I kinda like. ‘Cause Tom Har—uh, Tom Hardy gives this, like, crazy performance and… yeah! And he’s talking to—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I will say— Stuart: —Venom and—
elliott
									
The stuff that I thought I wasn’t gonna like about it? Is the stuff that I liked the most about it. It was like, [imitation of terrible New York accent] “Go get me over here! I don’t know!” [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Oh, it’s so good. Elliott: “I’m a reporter!”
elliott
									
“I gotta jump into this lobster tank and take a bite — [Laughs.] out of a lobster!” [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. The face he makes when he’s eating that lobster in front of a room full of, like, snooty old snobs? He showed them!
elliott
									
It’s a crazy movie in that—it should be a movie about a regular guy whose life turns upside-down when he gets this alien costume? But his life is already crazy! [Laughs.] He’s like—it’s like a crazy guy gets a crazy costume. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Uh—yeah, I kinda like the movie too. I don’t—I dunno. It’s a—
elliott
									
You know what? I’ll say kinda like also. If you guys are going that far, I’ll join you on that ledge.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah! Not bad, Venom! Dan: Yeah, it works best as a—
dan
									
—a buddy movie between a weirdo and some goop. [Audience laughs.] And uh…. On that level I really enjoyed it.
music
									
[Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.]
promo
									
Music: Gentle, rhythmic music underscores the dialogue. Janet Varney: We are so thrilled at your interest in attending Hieronymous Wiggenstaff’s School for Heroism and Villainy! Wiggenstaff’s beautiful campus boasts state-of-the-art facilities and instructors with real-world experience! We are also proud to say that our alumni have gone on to be professional heroes and villains in the most renowned kingdoms in the world! But of course, you are not applying to the main school, are you? You’re applying for our sidekick and henchperson annex! You will still benefit from the school’s amazing campus, and! You’ll have a lifetime of steady employment. Of course… there’s no guarantee how long that lifetime will be. Travis McElroy: Join the McElroys as they return to Dungeons and Dragons with The Adventure Zone: Graduation. Every other Thursday on Maximum Fun, or wherever podcasts are found. [Music ends.]
promo
									
Music: Rhythmic percussion and bass. Speaker 1: I listen to Bullseye because Jesse always has really good questions. Jesse Thorn: What did John Malkovich wear when he was 20? Speaker 2: [Laughs.] I don’t know how to describe it! Speaker 3: There’s always that moment where Jesse asks a question that the person he’s interviewing has not thought of before? Speaker 4: I don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me or acknowledged that to me and that is so real! Jesse Thorn: Bullseye! Interviews with creators you love and creators you need to know. From MaximumFun.org and NPR.
dan
									
Hey there, family of Flop! It’s Dan here. With his patented solo ad reads. This is a live show, so we did not know at the time who would be kind enough to sponsor us, so I come in like some sort of post-production supe—I don’t want to say superhero, just regular hero is enough—to tell you about products and services and Jumbotrons and such. I almost forgot that I had to do this. It’s been a while since we put up a live show but we thought, let’s give us a break! For the Thanksgiving holiday. So we can all… y’know, instead of sitting in front of microphones we can stuff our faces with turkey. Or whatever my vegan brother’s family is going to serve me this year. The Flop House is brought to you in part by Casper! Casper is a sleep brand that makes expertly-designed products to help you get your best rest one night at a time. And I have my own Casper mattress. Casper, uh… [Laughs.] Serendipitously sent me a sample, uh, right when I was, uh, getting divorced? [Laughs.] So I was in desperate need of a mattress. This is a little—getting a little too personal. I don’t know why I’m saying this, but I’m just saying that I will always be grateful to Casper for—for providing a mattress that has given me many great nights’ sleep since then. Casper products are cleverly designed to mimic human curves. [Sultry voice] Providing supportive comfort for all kinds of bodies. [Regular voice] Casper offers three other mattresses—the Wave, the Essential, and the Hybrid—and you can be sure of your purchase with Casper’s 100-Night, Risk-Free, Sleep On It trial. So get $100 toward select mattresses by visiting Casper.com/flophouse and using “flophouse” at checkout. That’s Capser.com/flophouse and using “flophouse” at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.
dan
									
Hey, guys! You hear that? Do you hear any of this stuff? There’s a party going upstairs. Uh… and uh… I’m hearing a lot of chatter, a lot of… knockabout noises from above. But you know what? That’s what happens when you don’t have a studio. So please, continue to donate to MaximumFun.org, and buy us a studio. That’s not gonna happen, but thank you for everyone who does donate. Hey, guys! Okay? Well, that was a noise from uh, Messenger. Uh, from a uh… from my girlfriend asking me whether I’m done with what I was doing before, so that’s useful for you, that bell noise. Hey, uh… the… there’s a Jumbostron? Jumbostron. Jumbotron here! It wants you to check out Wishlist Wildermyth on Steam, or maybe it’s Wishlist Wildermyth. It is spelled Wilder like Gene Wilder, myth. But maybe it’s Wildermyth! Who knows! Wildermyth is a new game on Steam that captures the spirit of Dungeons & Dragons. You know what it’s—that’s probably Wildermyth, right? If it’s a Dungeons & Dragons? Let’s just—Wildermyth is a new game on Steam that captures the spirit of Dungeons & Dragons and other tabletop RPGs. It is a myth-making tactical RPG different every time you play. Customize your heroes—they grow old, form relationships, transform, and make sacrifices! For a second, I read that as “make sandwiches,” which they probably do as well. Then they go into your legacy to be used in the next game. So check out Wishlist Wildermyth on Steam.
dan
									
Uh, there’s one other Jumbotron. Containment Wall 15 is a novel red in blood. And tape. Red in blood and tape. Said—set after a zombie-like pandemic has been brought under control, but at a high cost. To save humanity, vast enclosed cities were erected, trapping both the living dead and the unlucky inside. Life outside the walls has returned to normal, but there are those willing to risk everything to save their loved ones. A study in what it is to live on after death. It also features a small reference to the best podcast ever! Well, I’m sure Roman Mars will be very happy about your 99% Invisible reference. Uh, but buy this. Containment Wall 15, and other works by Simon M. Greaves, as paperback or eBook, from Amazon. Uh, look. I don’t need to waste your time any longer. That’s the ad section! Deal with it! And now, back to the show!
dan
									
But let’s not belabor anything because we only have—as I said before—limited time here.
elliott
									
Okay. Yes. So—get—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Let’s keep moving! Dan: On this earth.
stuart
									
Why are you pausing? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
You’re— [Laughs.] Again! Your—your answer to having limited time is to talk slower. [Laughs.]
dan
									
Uh— [Laughs.] So we have maybe 15, maybe 20 minutes to, uh, talk to the audience and take questions! Which is something we like to do in live shows! So um… there’s a microphone right here if people wanna come down and have a question—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: That’s right, guys. Dan: And we’ll do it for as long as we can. And then—
elliott
									
Because it’s [singing] onto questions! Onto questions! Ask us questions now. Ask us questions, ask us questions! I don’t know how the rest of the song goes.
dan
									
Alright. That was much shorter, uh, question song than we usually get.
elliott
									
Yeah. [All laugh.]
lauren
									
Hi, um, I’m Lauren, last name withheld.
stuart
									
Hello.
elliott
									
Thanks for coming to the show.
lauren
									
Well thank you for being here! Especially when it’s an ice ball. Um, so… in—this is a question inspired by my favorite scene in the movie? Which was Eddie Brock listening to an Eckhart Tolle meditation? [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Oh, yeah, yeah! And he wants to meditate— Stuart: Mm-hm. Lauren: And he like—
elliott
									
—but his neighbor’s playing his guitar too darn loud!
lauren
									
And then he eats the neighbor or whatever? But like… Eckhart Tolle in a Venom movie just made me just so unexpectedly happy? What sort of weird, real-life cultural artifacts just showing up into a mov—into a fantastic movie like that have sort of like given you a little like, “Ooh. Yay.”
dan
									
I’m gonna vamp by talking for a while. [Audience laughs.] About not this question! [Elliott laughs.] Because it looks like Elliott is thinking.
elliott
									
I am!
dan
									
And so—
elliott
									
Thinking. About!
crosstalk
									
Dan: How about this weather? Cold enough for ya? Elliott: I think for— [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
[Laughs.] I think for me it’s like—it—the—uh, I think something like that was in the movie 12 Monkeys when they go and they watch Vertigo? And it’s like—oh, like, this scene from Vertigo. She’s not talking about time travel; she’s talking about reincarnation! But it fits what’s going on in the movie so well? I—this is where I lived and this is where I died and all that. Like, I was like—Terry? You found a new way to use a great scene. Y’know, that—I really liked that a lot. And that they didn’t just go into, like, a random movie or a made-up movie or something like that.
stuart
									
I think I have an answer. [Laughs.] And it’s, uh—
elliott
									
It’s not the cheddar goblin. That’s not a real thing, Stuart. [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
In uh— I remember watching, uh, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and there’s, you know, it’s this like—silly gross-out comedy. But then they cut to shots of Steve Carrell painting little, uh, Games Workshop Riders of Rohirim. I’m like, well, that’s a pretty cool movie. [Elliott laughs; audience joins in.] It’s a cool serious hobby, to paint tiny little plastic soldiers.
elliott
									
I had the exact opposite experience with 40-Year-Old Virgin, ‘cause he’s supposed to be like a real comic book fan. He has framed comics on the walls, and they are all new comics that are worth nothing. And I was like— [All laugh.] —I’m like, Steve, did you write or draw that book? Because why are you framing that? It’s worth $3!
dan
									
And I have no answer!
elliott
									
Thank you very much for your question! [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs. Audience applauds.]
crosstalk
									
John Charles: Hey there, guys! Uh— Dan: Hello! Elliott: Hello!
john charles
									
My name is John Charles, uh, last name withheld.
stuart
									
Hi!
john charles
									
Um, I have a sort of Spiderman-adjacent question.
elliott
									
Awesome.
john charles
									
As Spiderman: Into the Spider-verse proved for us, audience are absolutely ready for a movie in which we can watch, what, five, six different version of the character on screen at the same time? Not get confused, not get lost. So if it was up to y’all, if you could make a movie and have, um, as many characters of a specific actor on screen at one time as possible, which actor would you make a movie around?
dan
									
Sherlock Holmes. [Audience laughs.] There have been so many Sherlock Holmes and I want all of them in the same movie.
elliott
									
Fair. Very fair. Yeah.
dan
									
And they— [Laughs.] And they—they—like, I wonder if they would like, all, like, come to the same conclusion at the exact same time? Or—
elliott
									
No, I love the idea of one where they are actively competing and they each get a chance to outsmart the other ones? But the last clue, Watson figures out? And then you open the door and there’s 10 Watsons all working on the clue? [All laugh.] Uh—it—actors specifically or character?
john charles
									
Um, whichever comes.
elliott
									
I mean, I wanna see a movie where every character Nicholas Cage played is—is together. [All laugh.] Like—like—Ghost Rider’s in there. Wild at Heart is in there. Leaving Las Vegas is in there. All of—Mandy’s in there! Honeymoon in Vegas is in there! Like, they’re all—Raising Arizona’s in there! All of ‘em. Or Godzilla. Every Godzilla—I mean, there’s that scene in Godzilla: Final Wars when he goes up against the American Godzilla and he just destroys him in 20 seconds? But…
dan
									
Sorry, I was just—I was still fantasizing about my Sherlock Holmes movie. [Audience laughs.] I was—I was imagining a scene where Jeremy Brett prob—perhaps my favorite and the—maybe the most, uh… true to the books, uh, Sherlock Holmes—like, competes with Sherlock Gnomes. [All laugh.] And—it’s like, what is this thing I have to deal with?
elliott
									
I guess it would be, like, Basil Rathbone is in black and white. Jeremy Brett, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Sherlock Gnomes, and like—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —the Great Mouse Detective? Stuart: Yeah, Sherlock Gnomes is the most true to the book, right? Dan: The Great Mouse Detective will be there, too.
elliott
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: ‘Cause he’s a—he’s a garden gnome. Elliott: And then—what are they—are they—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And this—these— Stuart: ‘Cause that’s what the books are about, right?
stuart
									
Is garden gnomes?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And they’re—they’re going after what, Jack— Stuart: Like in Sherlock Gnomes?
dan
									
What do you think, guys? And he’s animated.
elliott
									
Anyway. What about you, Stuart?
stuart
									
[Laughs.] I mean, you took mine! You said Nicholas Cage!
elliott
									
[Laughs.] I’m sorry. ‘Cause it’s the only answer, Sherlock Holmes. Thank you very much for the question.
john charles
									
Thank you, Peaches!
elliott
									
Thanks for coming!
grinch
									
[Tentatively] H-hello! Uh, Grinch McFacebook-Name-Withheld.
dan
									
[Laughs.] Okay.
grinch
									
So… King John Hodgpin, uh, Doctor Thornapus, the Green Jordan, and I guess the Stepford McElroys?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
grinch
									
Fire a particle accelerator and they remove the three of you from this universe.
dan
									
[Laughs.] Okay.
grinch
									
Which alternate—
elliott
									
My children! [Dan laughs; audience laughs boisterously.] [Through laughter] They’ll grow up without a father!
grinch
									
Which alternate versions of yourself come through the rift to help Flopper Hallie teach young Juben Morales how to use his powers for good? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Well, I’m already the divorced kind of… fat version of myself.
elliott
									
Yeah.
dan
									
So I wouldn’t be pay—played by Jake Johnson.
elliott
									
Okay.
dan
									
Uh…
elliott
									
I’d probably be played by—I guess, like, a late-‘70s Harrison Ford?
dan
									
[Laughs.] Okay! [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
And that’s pretty—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, I can see that! Elliott: So I’d be like—
elliott
									
—the super cool kind of space pirate me? You know? I mean, I’m basically Spider-Ham, so I don’t know what the— [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] There was—I w—I went to see In the Spider-verse with two friends of mine, and while Spider-Ham was talking for the first time one of them turned to me and went, “He’s you!” [Laughs.] Thank you, Seth. His name was Seth. My—the friend of mine.
stuart
									
I think I’d wanna be played by martial arts movie villain Bolo Young. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
‘Cause he’s got that, like, y’know, that like coolness and toughness that I exude. [Laughs.] [All laugh.] What do you think, Dan?
dan
									
Uh… yeah. Who—like, I said who I wouldn’t be and I—I don’t know who I would be! Um… yeah. I’d like to be—like—what if there was, like, a—a nice, like, Muppet version of myself?
stuart
									
That would be pretty cool! [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah! Elliott: I can see that! Yeah, sure!
elliott
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Just like a—like a Lew Zealand type. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
So you’re a fish-throwing Muppet?
dan
									
[Through laughter] I’m a fish-throwing—
elliott
									
That no one really likes?
dan
									
[Through laughter] —podcaster. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
That was—when my son was learning all the Muppets, there were the few where it was like—what’s this—he’s like, “Who’s this?” And I’m like, “He’s Lew Zealand. Like, don’t even get me started. Like…”
dan
									
[Laughs.] Ugh.
elliott
									
“He’s got a Shakespearean ruff and he throws fish. I don’t—”
dan
									
“I—I was hoping that you’d be older before I had to explain Lew Zealand to you.” [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
And this prawn? Let’s wait. Let’s wait on the prawn.
dan
									
Thank you.
elliott
									
I hope that goes somewhere towards answering the question. Thank you. [Audience applauds.] Okay. Let’s keep it moving! Let’s keep it moving! Come on, badgers!
matt
									
Alright! My name’s Matt, last name withheld. First, I gotta say—it’s my birthday today and I drove six hours to get here.
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Bro-y voice] It’s Matt’s birthday!!! Bow bow bow bowwww! Elliott: Whaaaat! Happy birthday! Whoaaaaa! Stuart: Wooooooo!
matt
									
Just kidding. My girlfriend drove me here so she’s awesome.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Whoaaa! Dan: [Loudly and enthusiastically] Matt’s girlfriend’s awesome!!!
mat
									
Now, we’ve been talking a lot about Venom and I know you guys are experts with comic books, so I decided to ask you a question about… Dungeons & Dragons.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Ohhh! Grrr! Stuart: Sure. This one’s directed for Dan. Dungeons and Dra—Dragons fan. Matt: So—yes.
matt
									
So I’m a high school teacher. I have a Dungeons & Dragons club after school, so it’s very difficult to teach all day and then come up with a D&D campaign like right after school. So what movies can I steal plots from? And not Harry Potter. Don’t give me the obvious ones.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. I mean— [Laughs.] Basically any Vin Diesel movie. [All laugh.] Uh… [Laughs.] I don’t know. Like, Dragon Slayer? [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh— [Laughs.] The—The Favourite? Dan: You know, do something not fantasy, Stu! Come on! [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Uh… uh… Bohemian Rhapsody?
dan
									
Alright.
stuart
									
Uh—
elliott
									
He’s just going through the Oscar nominees now. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Oh no! Uh… Venom?! [Laughs.] Trouble With the Curve? [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Dan in Real Life? All About Steve? [Someone laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Margot at the Wedding? Like— Dan: I mean, like—
dan
									
I mean like— [Elliott laughs.] I mean, like, the plot of Little Miss Sunshine would make a good D&D adventure. [All laugh.]
matt
									
Those are all things that high school students are motivated to do in a fantasy game that they take their time to do. So.
stuart
									
Yeah!
elliott
									
Okay, well—or what about like, uhhhhh… Stu? It is?
stuart
									
[Laughs.] Uh…. Uh…. [Through laughter] I don’t know. Dan?
elliott
									
Baby Geniuses! Baby Geniuses 1 and 2! Okay.
dan
									
Yeah.
stuart
									
Alright! [Audience applauds.]
dan
									
We got it. Perfect answer.
elliott
									
Wow. We let you down on your birthday so hard. You’re like—that was not worth the drive.
dan
									
The gentleman in the great “Sluggo is Lit” t-shirt? [All laugh.]
anthony
									
Thank you. My name’s Anthony, last name withheld. So we all know that Stuart has two dishes named after him.
stuart
									
Mm-hm.
anthony
									
Uh, beef stew (Stu) and beef wellington.
crosstalk
									
Hosts: Mm-hm. Dan: Yep. Correct. Checks out. Anthony: So, Dan and Elliott—
none
									
—my question is: if you guys had food items named after yourselves, what would they be?
elliott
									
I mean, I live in Los Angeles, so it would be something with kale-an (Kalan). [All laugh.] I mean, some kind of, like, kale-an salad, probably? Dan?
dan
									
Does it have to be a pun? Or like, does it…
elliott
									
I mean, if it’s named after me it should have my name in it somewhere! No, it’s—it’s fried Elliott. And it’s me— [All laugh.] —and they deep-fry me! And I’m dead! I’m—once again, my children don’t have a father. Yeah. You’re right. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Thanks, Dan. Stuart: [Laughs.] That was such a dumb question! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
You’re like—“Does the food named after me have to have my name in it?” [All laugh.] “Or can I just pick, like, a Reuben? Which is someone else’s name!”
dan
									
Yeah, but does it have to be a pun! You could like name an existing food after yourself! It doesn’t have—like—like—Beef Wellington is just like a food named after Wellington. [All laugh.] [Stuart says something inaudible through laughter.] It’s not like… it’s a pun on something else!
elliott
									
I didn’t know that was one of the rules, Dan! [All laugh.]
dan
									
Because if it doesn’t have to be—like—there’s—I can’t think of a good food pun! That’s what—that’s what I’m saying.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] What happens if you get this wrong, Dan? [All laugh.] Are you gonna go to jail? [All laugh.] Like, what’s wrong with you?
elliott
									
They’re gonna take your tongue away?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: You’ll never eat food again? Stuart: Just—
stuart
									
Just say “personal Dan pizza” and move on.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Alright. Stuart: I mean, come on! [All laugh; audience applauds.]
brady
									
Hi! Uh—
dan
									
Hello!
brady
									
Brady? Last name withheld? So the, uh, conversation earlier about the Venom dog and how much better of a movie this would’ve been if it happened?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
brady
									
Uh—made me think—what other movies would benefit from a, uh, quirky animal companion?
elliott
									
Ohhh! Well, uh—
dan
									
Well, not Oh Heavenly Dog ‘cause that already has— [Stuart laughs.] —Chevy Chase as a dog, so.
stuart
									
Uh—-
dan
									
That one’s taken.
stuart
									
Be—Beastmaster! [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] No, wait! Hold on!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And I’m gonna— Stuart: The Mask! [Dan laughs.]
elliott
									
And I’m gonna say—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Let’s see, what would benefit with that? Stuart: Jaws!
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Movies that would benefit from an animal? Quirky animal companion. Uh… I guess—Lincoln, starring Daniel Day-Lewis. [All laugh.] If his—his real-life dog was like, [comical voice] “Ah! I think it’s probably time to free the slaves now, Abe!” [All laugh.] “I don’t—man, I mean, I don’t know! I’m just a dog!” He talks like that ‘cause he’s a quirky dog.
dan
									
What if in My Dinner with Andre, Andre Gregory just had, like, a hamster on the table the whole time?
elliott
									
That’d be wonderful. I mean, I did write a sketch for Mystery Science Theater where it is revealed that all the waiters are raptors? And Wallace Shawn has to fight the raptors? [Laughs.] [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: So that—was that in the show? I—Okay. I didn’t make it well— Elliott: It was in the first season, yeah. Thanks for watching, Dan!
dan
									
I— [breaks off, laughing.] [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Best friend, everybody!
dan
									
I watched the— [Stuart laughs.] I watched like the first five, I think?
elliott
									
I mean, there were roughly 3,000 hours of content in that season? So. Yeah. So uh, yeah! My favorite thing—you know, just pick any character and just give ‘em a talking dog! And have that talking dog be like a cabbie type character! [Imitates New York accent] “Oh boy, boss! Uh-oh!” [Laughs.] “I think we gotta watch out for this Hitler, boss!” And FDR’s like, Fala, please. It’s gonna be okay!
dan
									
This is not related to that, other than there being a talking dog, but everyone should look up Poochinski? [Light cheering and applause from the audience.]
elliott
									
Oh, the—the TV show?
dan
									
On the internet? [Laughs.] Uh… yeah. It’s a great failed, uh, pilot for a sitcom. With a talking dog cop. Anyway.
elliott
									
Well he’s like—it’s a ghost of a cop and a dog, right?
dan
									
Ghost of a cop and a dog.
elliott
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
And I don’t know why it didn’t go eight seasons! [Dan laughs.]
brady
									
Thank you.
elliott
									
Thank you very much for being here! Alright! Questions! Let’s do a rapid-fire! Let’s do it—
crosstalk
									
Drew: Yeah! Uh— Elliott: Sorry that we’re—
elliott
									
—taking so long! I wanna talk to as many people as possible.
drew
									
Awesome! Drew, last name withheld. And yes, seconded on Poochinski. Peter Boyle, by the way is the talking dog.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yes. Elliott: Oh, yeah. Rest in peace, great Peter Boyle. Stuart: Oh, wow!
drew
									
Uh, I have a question. I wonder, uh, I really like when theme park rides are themed after movies or—even if it doesn’t really fit, like it’s a reverse roller coaster—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Like that Ordinary People ride? At Six Flags? Drew:— or it’s face-off—Yeah! So, exactly!
drew
									
You’re—you’re anticipating my question! Uh, if you could have a theme park ride after any movie, uh, franchise that you love, uh, what would the movie be and what kind of ride would it be?
elliott
									
Eight words: Ta-King Of-Pel-Ham-1-2-3. [Laughs.] [All laugh; some cheering from audience.] You get on a train, gunmen come on. Uh-oh! We’re gonna take this train! Oh no! And then they get off and the train just goes real fast, like, around turns and stuff. [Audience laughs.] And then when it ends there’s an animatronic Walter Matthau that’s like, [Walter Matthau voice] “Well, everybody, I hope you enjoyed the ride! Go this way to leave!” [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
I mean, it’s not really a funny answer, but I feel like a Gremlins ride. I mean, ‘cause like they’re basically puppets anyway. Like—
elliott
									
Uh, yeah! I’m—not even basically! [Stuart laughs.] They are! [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
Wait, hold on. [Laughs.] Hold on, Elliott! [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I don’t know, Dan! They might be actual Gremlins Elliott: [Through laughter] This isn’t how I wanted you to find out!
elliott
									
This isn’t how I wanted to break the news to you!
dan
									
No! Elliott!
elliott
									
I know you’ve been planning this vacation— [Dan giggles extensively as Elliott continues to speak.] —to where the Gremlins are from. [Audience laughs.] And you’ve been—you’ve been going through all those ancient tomes about, uh, Western explorers who went to far-off Asia to find out exactly where it is. You go to Dan’s house and there’s just—100-year-old—400-year-old maps tacked up to the walls with—with just scrawled on them “Gremlin?” [All laugh.] I didn’t want you to find out this way. The Gremlins—they were puppets.
dan
									
Alright. I meant to say, because they’re puppets they’re basically animatronics, like—so like you could do a—a ride very easily.
elliott
									
Oh. That would be fantastic. Yeah.
dan
									
Yeah? Stuart?
stuart
									
Uh… This doesn’t answer the question but I really wish the uh— [All laugh.] I really wish they leaned into it, uh, at Cedar Point with the roller coaster Magnum? Where they just had, like, Dirty Harry there— [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Based on the condom? Or—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. Based on the—
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah—
stuart
									
Dan, why do you gotta be gross? [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: It’s my brand! Stuart: I mean, it had like—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] It had, like—like Dirty Harry holding a pistol and it’s like “You gotta be this tall, punk, to ride this ride!”
elliott
									
It’s a huge gun that shoots the roller coaster out. And then at the end it’s like, “Well, do you feel entertained, punk?” [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Those movies were set in [though laughter] San Francisco too, right?
elliott
									
Yeah, they are!
stuart
									
So we got some great movies this year set in San Francisco.
elliott
									
This year? [Laughs.]
stuart
									
That are equally— [breaks off, laughing.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] What?
stuart
									
Yeah, Dirty Harry came out this year, right?
dan
									
Okay.
stuart
									
We got Venom, you got Dirty Harry, you got, uh—
elliott
									
Bullet.
dan
									
Zodiac?
elliott
									
Zodiac, Bullet, Vertigo—all of this year’s hits! [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Uh— Stuart: Fine.
dan
									
Please, sir. [Audience laughs.]
carl
									
Hi, Carl, last name withheld.
dan
									
Hi, Carl!
carl
									
I watched Shin Godzilla the other day—not a lot happens for a movie about a colossals are destroying a major population center.
elliott
									
Uh—well, finish your question and then I’ll argue with you.
carl
									
[Through laughter] Okay. [All laugh.] What is your favorite movie with the least amount of plot?
elliott
									
[Thoughtfully] Oh. Interesting. I mean, one, it’s about—Shin Godzilla, a lot happens in terms of clearing away an elderly bureaucracy to make way for the young activist workers who know how to handle a public health crisis in the form of a giant monster! But no, movies where there’s not a lot of—I mean, Dan mentioned My Dinner with Andre earlier, which is a movie that has no plot. It is a conversation between two men. And like—I—any time it’s on and I stumble on it where I’m watching it, I cannot move away from it because I think like… the kind of the passion of the two people involved is so palpable to me? And it is the whitest movie ever made? [Audience laughs.] Like— it is about two relatively affluent people who work in the theater arts? Talking about like their midlife crises? But you know, there’s no plot but I really get into it.
dan
									
Yeah. I don’t—maybe something like, uh, Tokyo Story? Which is just about elderly people being ignored? And that’s kind of the plot?
elliott
									
And you’re like—yes! Thank you!
dan
									
[Laughs.] Yeah, I’m like—they’ve had it too good for too long! [Elliott laughs.] Make way for the next generation! Until I get old, which is… right around the corner! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Yep! And then you’re gonna be like, “Ahh! Hands off my Medicare! You can all die now!”
dan
									
Yep.
stuart
									
I mean, I’d say something like, I dunno, like Valhalla Rising? Where it’s just Mad—Mads Mikkelsen wandering around and there’s no dialogue at all basically? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
He’s just wandering around blasted landscapes and then occasionally killing people, yeah.
dan
									
Yeah. It’s pretty great.
elliott
									
Nice question! Thank you! [Audience applauds.] Alright.
kroll
									
Hi! First name with—withheld, Kroll? Um—
elliott
									
Okay. Interesting.
stuart
									
Okay. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
none
									
So I was—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Change up. Kroll: —watching the—
kroll
									
20—or 2006 Doom movie?
stuart
									
Mm-hm!
kroll
									
And—
elliott
									
With—with The Rock, is it?
kroll
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Okay.
kroll
									
And I was thinking man, Alien is a really good movie. [Laughs.] Um— [Stuart laughs.]
elliott
									
Not a controversial statement! [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
Wait— [Laughs.] Ell—Elliott—
elliott
									
It is perhaps the most perfectly-made movie ever.
stuart
									
Do you just call him The Rock? ‘Cause if so, you have to pay Vince McMahon money. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
I love paying Vince McMahon license fees for—
stuart
									
You gotta call—you gotta call him “DJ.” [Laughs.]
elliott
									
I remember— [Laughs.] Yup. I remember seeing him as a guest of one of the movie—maybe it was on The Daily Show—and the clip that they showed was 90% close-ups of that giant gun? [Laughs.] And then at the end he’s like, “Whoa.” And that was the clip they chose to promote the movie! But yes. So. [Audience laughs.]
kroll
									
But so—in thinking of a much better movie, I was wondering, uh, what are you favorite sci-fi set pieces?
elliott
									
Set pieces? Oh, so like—like scenes or whatevers?
kroll
									
Well, maybe I’m misusing the word. Uh, just like—you know—sets in general. Yeah.
elliott
									
Oh, oh, oh. Um. I mean, Alien is like, the best-designed movie.
kroll
									
But I took it.
elliott
									
Oh, God. [Audience laughs.] You can’t be like, “Tell me your favorite! But not the—but not this one!” So the real question was, “Tell me your second-favorite.” Alright. Aliens. Boom! Beat ya! No, no, but guys, what would you think? What’s, like, a—I mean, like… Blade Runner is a beautiful movie that I don’t enjoy as a narrative, but I enjoy it as a series of visual images. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Even—and even the new Blade Runner is gorgeous!
elliott
									
It’s beautiful! Again—not one where I was like engaged in the story, but it’s like—show me these—give me this—this like blade—the Blade Runner movies where I’m like “I want to see a coffee table version of this movie.”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Coffee table book version. Stuart: Did anyone pick, uh, Alien yet? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
[Laughs.] Yeah! [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
What about Flesh Gordon? [Elliott laughs.] Does that count? [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] I don’t—I mean— [Dan laughs.] If you wanna choose it, it’s—the designs are hideous! Because it’s like, how do we make a spaceship look kind of like balls? [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
Thank you. [Elliott laughs.] We, uh—
elliott
									
We didn’t answer that one.
dan
									
We promised to keep it as close to 90 minutes as possible and we’ve already gone over. I think we’ve—two more questions. I’m sorry for everyone behind. We—
elliott
									
I’m gonna say three more! How about three more?
dan
									
Three more. Alright.
elliott
									
Okay.
dan
									
Uh, but we will be around a little bit afterwards, so—
crosstalk
									
Dan: We’ll talk about that the end of the show. Elliott: Yeah, we’ll—we’re not—
elliott
									
We’re not going anywhere. The show’s gonna be over, but, uh, I mean… I said, “Welcome my friends, to the show that never ends!” By which I mean life and we’re gonna be here, so.
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Uh…
elliott
									
Emerson Lake and Palmer are here, everybody!
patrick
									
Hey guys, uh, Patrick, last name withhel—withheld. Uh, Stuart you mentioned that you were at the—the bar in San Francisco.
stuart
									
Uh-huh!
patrick
									
Where they, uh, where they shot that scene.
stuart
									
Yes.
patrick
									
Um, in that scene there’s like a TV playing—I guess the evening news?
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
patrick
									
And, like, Drake is on it and he’s talking and—
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
patrick
									
And Tom Hardy gets upset and he’s like, ugh, turn this off. And someone says “Hey buddy, keep it down! I’m trying to watch this!”
stuart
									
Mm-hm!
patrick
									
Uh, so at that bar, like—
stuart
									
That was me.   
crosstalk
									
Patrick: Did they show the— Stuart: You got me. [All laugh; some applause from audience.]
stuart
									
It’s like, I’m trying to watch this! It’s a scene from Venom the movie.
patrick
									
How—how often at that bar and your own bar in Brooklyn, uh, do you show the evening news, and then people get upset when people talk over it? [Audience laughs.] ‘Cause they’re trying to watch the news at the bar! And now, I guess I know—what’s your favorite, like bullshit movie bar conventions?
crosstalk
									
Patrick: Or— [inaudible]. Dan: I know—I know this is a question for Stuart—
dan
									
But I did, literally at that point in the movie, say to the other guys—in this movie, the thing I believe least is that this guy at a bar is like, “Hold on! I wanna listen to that tech billionaire!”
stuart
									
Uh, I mean, like— [Laughs.] At my bar we basically only show, like, special events and RuPaul’s Drag Race? [Laughs.] [Audience laughs; a few cheers.] Uh… so… and nobody’s allowed to—y’know, interrupt that. Um, the—my favorite bar convention in movies is always—any time somebody sits down at the bar and they order a drink and they’re like, “Leave the bottle!” ‘Cause in my head I’m like, “How much would I fucking charge that guy?” [All laugh.] Like…. How—like, estimating how many shots— [makes uncertain noises.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I’m like, mm— Elliott: You gotta pour it into a—into like a measuring cup afterwards?
elliott
									
And then pour it back into the bottle?
dan
									
You bring out a scale from behind the bar, you’re like, “Alright. Now I gotta—okay. I gotta take out the bottle from this weight, so…”
stuart
									
Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Laughs.] Yeah.
elliott
									
And I just like when everyone—when anyone sits down, they go, “Beer.” Do people do that at your bar?
stuart
									
Sometimes! I usually ask for ID at that point. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: We’ve—I’ve heard of this thing called beer! Stuart: And if you’re a cop, I always ask for ID! [All laugh.]
dan
									
Oh, a Hinterlands Bar t-shirt! Alright!
stuart
									
Cool shirt alert!
jarrett
									
Thanks! Yeah. You guys every go to Brooklyn, you should check this place out. It’s called “Hinterlands.”
stuart
									
I don’t like it.
elliott
									
Oh, okay. It’s—oh.
jarrett
									
Alright. So my name is Jarrett, last name withheld, and I, along with a couple other people, am a fan of the John Wick movies. And a staple of those movies is, uh, y’know, the action scenes. You know. They’re really well-choreographed; the camera’s really tight. You always know what’s going on. It’s great. And every time I see like a different action movie—even a really, uh, really well-reviewed one—the action scenes? No. I notice all the jump cuts a lot more, the choreography—eh, seems a little bit sloppier. So I was like, are there any, uh, movie or series of movies that does one thing so very well that that thing is ruined in all other movies? Purely by point of comparison?
elliott
									
Mm, that’s a good question! I would’ve said that, like, the—this is the nerdiest possible response to that? But— [Someone laughs.] —the—but the original Star Wars movies, it’s like, if you watch any other science fiction movie from around that period and then for the next 20 years—except for Alien, which, as we mentioned, is perfect—you’re like, “Mm, this is not a—” like, I was watch—or the first time I saw Logan’s Run as an adult? I was like, oh yeah, this is not that long before Star Wars. This is around the same time. And it looks like it was made 20 years earlier. Like… and then you look at movies that came out in the wake of Star Wars and you’re like, this movie also doesn’t look as good as Star Wars. Like… it’s hard to watch a—a movie set in an alien world? And not have me be like, well, they took a long time to set up the rules of this world, whereas Star Wars, right off the bat, I’m like—oh, that’s a good guy. That’s a bad guy. He’s got magic powers. That’s a bear-man. Like, it’s, y’know. [All laugh.] It’s all there! Like, I’m—I’m const—I—this—I’m constantly amazed by, like, I think about this too often. Uh, where I’m—sometimes while I’m going to be it’ll just pop into my head where I’m like, that movie is like two hours long. When it starts, you know nothing about that world. And by the end of it you are so invested and you know everything and there are very few scenes where someone sits down and is—and is—as opposed to the prequels—very few scenes where it’s like, “The council must explain what’s going on here!”
dan
									
There’s a… a movie called Cheeky? [All laugh.] That—it—it captures butts in a way that no movie before or since—like—I wouldn’t say it ruins butts for me in other movies? Because scientifically that’s impossible? To ruin a butt? But… [Elliott laughs.] It—it’s—y’know, it’s the—it’s the pinnacle of butt achievement. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
How can I follow behind that? [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Woooo! [Laughs.] [Audience laughs; scattered applause and cheering.] Bow bow bow bow bow bow bowww! Airhorn!
stuart
									
[Laughs.] I don’t know. Like, I think—like, I think John Carpenter’s horror movies, the scores in those are so… they’re so good at it that like… almost no other horror movie score compares to me. And I feel like almost every horror movie, especially modern horror movies, are often trying to like… kinda rip off a John Carpenter score, but without giving him any money. Which I’m sure he is not happy about. [Laughs.]
jarrett
									
Thank you.
elliott
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Alright. Last question of the night!
elliott
									
Last question!
dan
									
Wooo!
lydia
									
Uh, Lydia, last name withheld. Um, I was wondering, um, you’ve seen so many movies on your podcast and in your lives. Have you ever seen a movie that you not only actively regret seeing, but you wish you had a neuralizer and could just wipe it out of your memory?
elliott
									
Hmmmm. I mean… I’m—I’ve gone on—this is not an imaginative answer. I’ve gone on the record with my feelings about Nothing But Trouble, which is like… [Audience laughs.] It’s like if I had a time machine it’s like, do I kill Hitler, do I save Lincoln, do I stop that movie from being made? [Audience laughs.] Like, I don’t know. Because it—it caused so much trauma for me as a child. And again, I—and this is not in any way to elevate myself to people who’ve suffered real traumas—but like—the, like, just so much time I spent as a child thinking about that movie and being like, “Why does that exist?” Like, what— [Stuart laughs.] Like, what is the adult world like and how do I avoid going into it? [Audience laughs.] Like my—when—I had a twin sister and she would be like, “I’ma—I’m gonna be an adult now! I’m gonna go to parties where there’s drinking!” And I’m like, I can’t do that ‘cause what if I have to become part of the world that Nothing But Trouble was made by! Like… [Audience laughs.] Whereas now I wanna be in movies so badly and it’s like, whatever. Sign me up. Nothing But Trouble reboot? Sure. Okay.
dan
									
Uh—I think that, uh… typically like if a movie’s gonna do that to me? I turn it off? I would… sort of to answer your question though, like, I—I wish I could neuralize, like, some movies just to have the brain space back? Like… uh… we were talking—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —on a walk— Elliott: That’s how brains work, yeah.
dan
									
We were talk—like, I was with Stuart recently. We’d done some axe-throwing in Brooklyn, and we were walking to a bar— [Audience laughs.] —and there was some debate over who was in Mannequin Two: On the Move? [Elliott and audience laugh.] And I was able to correctly say that it—that Kristy Swanson played the new mannequin and the male lead was the guy from Herman’s Head. And—
elliott
									
Herman.
dan
									
I’ve seen Mannequin Two: On the Move, is what I’m saying, and it’s probably—I probably shouldn’t’ve! [Audience laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]
stuart
									
Just—just to clarify, we got there by arguing about which actors were in which Police Academy movies. [Laughs.] [All laugh.] Uh, yeah! I mean, I would say… if the movie I want lasered away from existence is, uh, 40 Days and 40 Nights. Starring Josh—Joshua Hartnett. The movie where he gives up sex—premarital sex for Lent and it’s horrible. Don’t ever watch it. If you have the opportunity, call up Netflix, have ‘em send you a copy, and throw it in the garbage. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
They don’t—you don’t want them to see the part where he—he triggers an orgasm by blowing rose petals across a woman’s tummy?
stuart
									
Yes, that, Elliott. [Elliott laughs.] Don’t— [though laughter] why are you bringing it up? [Sighs.]
stuart
									
Okay!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah! Stuart: That’s a— Dan: That’s a really great show!
dan
									
That’s the traditional way we end our shows! By depressing Stuart!
elliott
									
Oh, we love to bring Stuart down!
dan
									
Uh, so we are going to be first, selling merch and talking to people. I’m not sure where. Do you know where? Some place in the building!
stuart
									
I think across the way.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s like, a room across the hall. Dan: Across the way!
dan
									
And then— [Someone laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Please come and say hi! Dan: Hopefully— Elliott: It’s not a labyrinth!
elliott
									
They’re not gonna get lost and they’ll just find skeletons that say “Merch?” in their hands? [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
And then after that, if you don’t want merch, uh—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: But you do want merch. Dan: —we are—
dan
									
After we are done doing that, uh, we will be trying to hang out a little bit in the generically named “City Bar”— [Some cheers from audience.] —a bar that could be in literally any city in the world! [Laughs.] Uh… But uh… but thank you so much to the University of Madison for having us! Sorry we went a little over time. Uh—
elliott
									
Thank you, University of Wisconsin-Madison; thank you—all of you—for coming out on a very cold night. Thank you everybody who worked on the show tonight to make it possible!
dan
									
Thank you very much! I’m Dan McCoy!
stuart
									
Thank you.
elliott
									
What? That’s Stuart Wellington! I’m Elliott Kalan!
crosstalk
									
Dan: Goodnight! Elliott: We’re The Flop House!
elliott
									
Thank you very much for being here!
music
									
[Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments. Music plays for a while, then continues in background as the hosts speak.]
dan
									
Uh, this is The Flop House. I’m Dan McCoy— [Audience cheers.]
stuart
									
This is The Flop House. He’s Dan McCoy.
dan
									
No, that—no—no—that’s not— [Laughs.] That’s not how it goes.
elliott
									
And this is The Flop House. That was Dan McCoy.
dan
									
[Sighs.] [Music ends.]
speaker 1
									
MaximumFun.org.
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
—Audience supported.
About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.
Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.