Transcript
music
Gentle, trilling music with a steady drumbeat plays under the dialogue.
promo
Speaker: Bullseye with Jesse Thorn is a production of MaximumFun.org and is distributed by NPR. [Music fades out.]
music
“Huddle Formation” from the album Thunder, Lightning, Strike by The Go! Team. A fast, upbeat, peppy song. Music plays as Jesse speaks, then fades out.
jesse
Time now for The Craziest [Censored] Day of My Entire Career. It’s a regular segment on our show where we get to ask some of our all-time favorites about—well, about the craziest [censored] days of their entire careers. This time, it’s our pal, Patton Oswald. Look, you probably know who Patton is by now, right? He’s an Emmy and Grammy award-winning standup comic. He’s the voice of Remy from Ratatouille. He’s a hilarious comic actor. And he’s got drama chops, too. He just starred in a new movie. It’s called I Love My Dad. In it, he plays Chuck. Chuck is in his 50s, single, and has an adult son who’s in his 20s, named Franklin. Chuck and Franklin have always had a strained relationship. When the movie begins, Franklin blocks his dad from his phone and on social media. To get around the block and to connect with his son, Chuck creates a fake social media profile, impersonating a waitress he met called Becca. The fake Becca and Franklin start flirting, and they hit it off, and… I’m sure you can imagine how things go from there. And believe it or not, I Love My Dad is based on a true story. When we asked Patton about the craziest day of his entire career, well, he didn’t have to spend too long thinking about it. Patton Oswald.
patton oswald
Hi! I’m Patton Oswald, and this is the craziest [censored] day of my career! Weird that they asked me to do this, because the craziest [censored] day of my career happened about four days ago! I thought I would have a huuuge canvas of experiences of which to pull from, and I’ve had some crazy days. But four days ago, a day happened that completely steamrollered all of them. There’s gonna be a straight-ahead story I’m gonna tell you, and there’s a little coda that puts it into even crazier perspective. So, here we go. Okay?
music
Thumpy electric guitar.
patton
So, last Saturday, I had to travel from New York to Montclair, New Jersey, to do a gig. I was in Manhattan. They sent a car for me to pick me up at my hotel at noon. Gonna sit in the car and go to Montclair. So, I go down at noon, and the guy takes my luggage. I get in the back of the car. We pull away from my hotel on 56th and we’re about to make a right onto 6th Avenue. As he’s making his right, he cuts off and bumps into a moped. [Tires screech.] Huge, bulky, muscular, bald, bearded guy on a tiny moped. [An angry, macho growl.] With his tiny girlfriend holding onto his back. He’s bumped by my driver. And I’m sitting in the backseat. I’m watching all this happen. And I have to grit my teeth and say to myself, “My driver’s actually kind of at fault here.” The guy was in the bike lane. The driver drifted into it. He just bumped the poor dude. So, the guy—the moped driver—kind of knocks on the window. [Three knocks.] “Hey, you bumped me, dude.” [The music turns ominous.] And my driver, who up to that point was the most well put together, well-dressed, calm, Zen, polite. [A voice whispers, “Oh my god.”] Explodes at this guy!
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Intense electric guitar.
patton
[Angrily.] “You’re in the [censored] wrong! You bumped me, [censored]!” Screaming at this moped guy. And the moped guy starts to scream back at him. Before the moped guy can respond, my driver screeches around the corner. [Tires squealing.] To make a right onto 6th Avenue. And I’m thinking in my head, “He’s thinking, ‘And then I will drive away the victor.’” He makes a right onto 6th Avenue. There’s a stoplight. Traffic is stopped and we’re just sitting there stopped, ten feet away from the moped guy that he just screamed at. The moped guy then takes an inordinate amount—like really savors the slow pulling back up to the car to look at the guy. And he was like, “You. Hit. Me.” And the driver starts screaming at him again. And then this moped guy, who I must reiterate, he’s on a tiny, tiny moped, but he is giant, hulk-shaped. With his left—mighty left hand, brings it down on the side rearview mirror and just punches it off the car. [A crash of breaking glass.] And then punches the car two more times. [Two cartoonish punch sounds.] For emphasis. The driver’s like [a long string of censored expletives]. And then puts the car in park, jumps out of his car, runs at the guy on the moped. The moped guy now tries to get away. And the driver is trying to push him and his girlfriend off the moped. The girlfriend is screaming. Like, “Go, go, go!” [Horns honking.] The moped guy starts to pull away, turns around, and starts going backwards against traffic to get away from this guy. My driver gets his hands on the girl, but she doesn’t come off of the moped. And he, instead, is dragged half a block. My driver is dragged half a block from a moped. And then he has to let go, and the moped gets away. And he gets back up. His shirt’s all torn, gravel, bloody on the face. And then he gets back in the car. [A chorus of horns.] Everyone’s honking ‘cause he's stopped traffic now. Gets back in the car and then just calmly looks back at me and just says, “Pft. What was that? What was that all about, right? It was crazy.”
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Thoughtful string music.
patton
And I also feel like this guy had a real separation of, “While I’m driving him, I am well put together and professional. But the moped guy punching my mirror off, that was me off the clock. And I get to be whoever I actually am. That doesn’t count for me.” And also, I think in his mind it’s like, “I put the car in park! So, I’m no longer a driver! And while the car is in park, I’m allowed to do whatever the hell I want, try to pull this guy off his moped, get dragged down 6th Avenue. And when it—” Because when he got back in the car and put it back in drive, he was suddenly, “Wow! That was crazy, wasn’t it? Well, off to Montclair.” Like, it was just this completely—complete separation of work life and—it was a—it was a mini version of Severance, now that I think about it.
music
Playful, percussive music.
patton
But the whole time, I’ve just sat in the back of this car, doing in my golf announcer voice in my head, [calmly] “The driver here is, uh, clearly at fault.” [Birdsong.] “The moped—oh! Here comes the moped man, again. He’s pulling—oh! That’s a—that’s a clean punch. He’s taken that side mirror cleanly off the car. Oh! Oh, well, this is going to be—and it just like—trying to like calm myself and then I just put my earbuds in and listened to—I’m not kidding, I listened to Tibetan chimes. I meditate to Tibetan chimes.
music
Tibetan chimes.
patton
I’ll just listen to that. I’m like, “I’m not bringing any of this into my world.” And then we—off we went to New Jersey. He drove me to New Jersey. And for an hour, I sat there listening to Tibetan chimes while my driver, who was a psycho, drove me there. Now, that was—that’s the story. That’s the first part of the story. This is the weird coda. Two hours before I got into the car at noon, I got an Instagram message. I’m gonna read it, ‘cause I saved it. An offer for a ride to New Jersey! And this offer came to me from the official Planters Nut Mobile account. [The ding of a bell.]
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Theme from a Planters Peanut commercial. Fun, every day can be fun, fun ‘Cause, ‘cause it’s time we go munch, munch, munching Planters Fun, munching Planters, it’s fun, fun, fun [Volume decreases and continues under the dialogue.]
patton
Planters Peanuts sent me a message. [Incoming email noise.] “Parton Oswalt.” They spelled my name wrong. “Word on the salty streets is you’re doing a show in Montclair tomorrow. Would you be interested in showing up in style with a ride from the Planters Nut Mobile?” [Laughing.] And then I wrote back, “That is so sweet of you, but I must politely pass.” And the reason that I passed was, initially, I was like, “Oh, the Planters Nut Mobile! I’ll ride in the Nut Mobile!” And then I realized that’ll be fun for like five minutes. And then I’m gonna be on the New Jersey turnpike in the Planters Nut Mobile for an hour. I’ll bet it’s actually not that comfortable, and they’re gonna want pictures and people will be honking at me. [Honking.] And I just—I don’t need it. I just need to get— So, instead, I turned down a free ride from the Planters Nut Mobile, in exchange for a ride which I paid for from a psychopath who beat up a moped driver on the way to New Jersey.
music
[Volume increases.] Speaker: Any time you much ‘em, anywhere you crunch ‘em, munching Planters is fun! [Volume decreases and fades out.]
patton
So, that—four days ago—has been the craziest day of my career.
music
Playful, circus-y music featuring horns and slide whistles.
patton
When I was alone in that car—this was my actual thought. I turned around in my passenger’s seat, ‘cause I’m looking out the back of the car of my driver, being dragged down 6th Avenue, and I actually muttered out loud. I went, “[Censored] Peanut Mobile.” Like I could’ve—why didn’t I take the Peanut Mobile? It was—and I almost feel like if there’s a defending your life situation where you get to look at moments of your life out of context, that’d be a great moment of, I’m watching a guy being dragged down 6th Avenue, and then I just go, “Why didn’t I take the [censored] Peanut Mobile?” [Music ends.]
jesse
Patton Oswald on the craziest [censored] day of his entire career: the time he declined a free ride in the Planters Peanut Mobile only to be party to an intense, harrowing road rage battle. Like we said earlier, Patton’s new movie is called I Love My Dad. It’s out now, in theaters. Go watch it.
music
Thumpy synth.
jesse
That’s the end of another episode of Bullseye. Bullseye is created from the homes me and the staff of Maximum Fun, in and around greater Los Angeles, California. Here at my house, completely coincidentally [chuckles], I just told my kids about the time I was about—gosh, I guess I must have been nine years old, and I was running to catch the 49 Van Ness/Mission in San Francisco, where I grew up, headed to school. But in the bus stop was parked a fire truck, and the bus driver didn’t see that I was running to catch the bus, because I was behind the fire truck. And the bus just cruised past the stop, and I was pretty dejected. And one of the fire fighters said, “Oh my gosh! Did we just keep you from catching your bus?” And I was like, “Yeah, but you know, it’s okay.” And he said, “Well, listen. Do you want a ride?” And I said, “No, that’s okay.” And they said, “Alright, well sorry about that.” And it wasn’t very far to my school, just a few blocks. But it was also not very long before I realized that that was pretty much the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. [Chuckles.] Pro tip, if somebody offers you a ride on a fire truck, just say yes. Anyway. Our show is produced by speaking into microphones. Our senior producer is Kevin Ferguson. Our producers are Jesus Ambrosio and Richard Robey. Our production fellow at Maximum Fun is Tabatha Myers. We get booking help from Mara Davis. Our interstitial music is by Dan Wally, also known as DJW. Our theme music is by The Go! Team. It’s called “Huddle Formation”. Thanks to The Go! Team for sharing it with us, along with their label, Memphis Industries. Bullseye is also on YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook. You can find us there. You can follow us there. We will share with you all of our interviews. And I think that’s about it. Just remember: all great radio hosts have a signature signoff.
promo
Speaker: Bullseye with Jesse Thorn is a production of MaximumFun.org and is distributed by NPR. [Music fades out.]
About the show
Bullseye is a celebration of the best of arts and culture in public radio form. Host Jesse Thorn sifts the wheat from the chaff to bring you in-depth interviews with the most revered and revolutionary minds in our culture.
Bullseye has been featured in Time, The New York Times, GQ and McSweeney’s, which called it “the kind of show people listen to in a more perfect world.” Since April 2013, the show has been distributed by NPR.
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