Transcript
jesse thorn
I’m Jesse Thorn. It’s Bullseye!
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“Huddle Formation” from the album Thunder, Lightning, Strike by The Go! Team. A fast, upbeat, peppy song. Music plays as Jesse speaks, then fades out.
jesse
It’s an annual tradition here at Bullseye. Every year, we break format and bring you some of the year’s best standup comedy. The whole team here at Maximum Fun combed through dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens of albums to bring you the very best. In a year that was extraordinarily difficult for standup comedy, that meant some comedians got creative. We have albums recorded before the pandemic. We have albums recorded in front of only a handful of people. We even have one album that was recorded at a drive-in. Before we get into it, a heads-up: this is of course standup comedy. We have bleeped the bad words. We have edited out obscenities, but some of the content you’re about to hear is gonna touch on some more mature stuff. Anyway! With all that out of the way, here’s our first comic of our 2021 Best Standup of the Year Special: Jasmine Ellis. Jasmine is an entertainment journalist and podcast host from Dallas when she’s not doing standup. She’s currently based in Los Angeles, and she tours at colleges and clubs across the country. She recently released a new record called Nobody’s Queen, a follow-up to 2019’s Trash Baby. Let’s listen to a bit.
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[The audience laughs at regular intervals throughout the performance.] Jasmine Ellis: My husband is the best human being in the world. I love him so much. He is perfect and awesome, and I wouldn’t change a single thing about him. I would change one thing about him. One thing. He’s so smart, but he’s not good at picking up hints. So, like before he proposed, I was like, “It’s time. I’m ready. Let’s make this happen.” So, I had it in my mind that I was gonna get engaged by Christmas. I was like, “This is how we’re gonna do it.” So, what he would do is like every now and then he’d ask me like, “Hey, what do you want for Christmas?” And what I decided to do was whenever he asked me that question, I was just gonna respond with an item that’s only on a wedding registry. Like, I thought that made sense. So, he’d be like, “Hey, babe, what do you want for Christmas?” And I’d be like, “I don’t know. A hundred knives?” And just see [chuckles] what he said. I don’t know. “A high thread count sheet?” You know just stuff like that and then just go, “But I guess I’ll have to wait ‘til I’m engaged.” You know? The big thing that I was really trying to push was the KitchenAid mixer. I was like, “That’s what I want.” If y’all don’t know what a KitchenAid mixer is, it’s this very expensive device. It has a lot of really cool functions. Like its best one is a little device on the side that says, “I’m married. You’re not.” It’s great. It makes me feel very smug. I love it. Like, only smug, married women have this device. That’s the point of it. So, Christmas rolled around, and he actually got me a KitchenAid mixer. Ooh, I was upset. Oh, I was—I was—I was so upset, I went through like a grieving process like when someone dies. Like, first was denial. I was like, “Oh no. This is just an amazing way to wrap a—I mean, why would you wrap an engagement ring like this?! He’s great! This is a great idea!” I was like shaking it and looking for the ring. And then the sadness hit. Then the anger. I was like, “I really have to cook now.” Like, I was supposed to like—[laughing]. I was livid! I was so upset. But he did eventually propose, and it was great, and we got married and it was awesome. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I genuinely miss being a bride. I do. I liked being a bride. I liked—I liked that like for the first time in my life, it felt like everyone around me was my employee. Like everyone belonged to me and then all of the sudden, one day I only had one employee… who’s kind of dumb but owns half the company. What was I thinking?! [The audience laughs, claps, and whistles.] Like, I’m not—like, just get engaged. Don’t get married. That’s the plan. [Laughs.] Ugh. I just—I don’t know. It was great. I loved that—I loved being a bridezilla ‘cause it gave me the chance to just have this sense of urgency all the time. You know? When you’re a bride, you can just go, “This is for my wedding!” And people just drop everything. They do it. You know, there’s never gonna be another time I can do that. I can’t run in to bakeries like, [stammering] “It’s Black History Month! Help me!” They won’t do it! [Laughs.] They’re not doing it. It’s just not gonna come up. I—man, I love—I love being married ‘cause I love my guy. He’s great. It is funny, though, ‘cause we’ve only been married like less than a year, but we’re already getting asked this question: “So, how’s married life? What do you think of married life?”
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Jasmine: And I’m like, “It’s the same?” [Chuckles.] Like, “We haven’t had kids, yet. We’re still having fun.” I don’t understand the question. [Chuckles.] I don’t know! It’s—to me, I’m like, “He’s a great husband. I’m a great husband. This is going great.” I mean it. I mean that. Did you know two cisgendered, heterosexual people can both be husbands? You can. You just decide not to be a wife. It’s so great. I’m just like, “I could clean that. But no.” [Laughing.] And I just— [Someone in the audience hollers in support.] “I could cook that, but no.” And some days, it feels like I’m working against my own interest. I’ve taken baths in very dirty tubs. But! This for equality. And [chuckles]—you know, we just keep it moving. And people think we’re gonna change, like maybe if we have kids we’ll change, but I’m like, “You are really underestimating my ability to hop over a dirty baby. You are just underestimating it.” ‘Cause I sure will kick it to him. Like, “Your turn!” Like—[laughs], “I’m done! I’m out this week!”
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jesse
Jasmine Ellis, from her album Nobody’s Queen. You can follow her on Twitter @JasmineCEllis. Next up on our Best Comedy of the Year Special, Laurie Kilmartin. Laurie writes jokes for a living—lots of jokes. She’s an Emmy nominee for her decades spent writing monologues for Conan O’Brien. When Laurie came on our show as a guest a few years ago, she told us that when her dad died, writing jokes was how she dealt with it. Tweets turned into a stage show. The stage show turned into a special. That special was called 45 Jokes About My Dead Dad. In other words, Laurie Kilmartin is not afraid to get intimate with her audience. And that intimacy goes both ways. Here’s a bit from her latest album, Corset.
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[The audience laughs boisterously throughout the performance.] Laurie Kilmartin: Are there any other single parents here, tonight? Clap if there are. [A single person claps uncertainly. The audience cackles.] Wow. That might be the loneliest sound I’ve ever heard I my life. The first two claps were so enthusiastic, then you could see the person waiting for anyone else to join in or any other noise to happen. And then… [chuckling] the hands got softer and softer until they just fell apart. What a journey that was. I’ll get to you in a second, but uh, I’d like to congratulate the rest of the crowd for apparently your, uh, thriving marriages and your healthy relationships. Wow, it must be nice to be you. Don’t get cocky. Statistically, some of you will be single parents. [Chuckles.] Sorry. Sorry to be a downer. I got bad news for you. Love dies and children live. So, who’s my single parent back there? Speaker: That’s me. Laurie: That’s you. Hi, you! Speaker: Hi. Laurie: What’s, uh, what’s your name? Jamie: Jamie. Laurie: Jamie. And uh, how many kids do you have? Jamie: One. Laurie: You have one. How old? Jamie: Six. Laurie: Six. I’m glad you’re out! Jamie: Yes. Laurie: Right? Do you, uh—do you date very much? Jamie: [Emphatically.] Yes! [The audience murmurs before laughing and cheering in surprise.]
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Laurie: Well, that’s—that’s good to know! Are you—are you on a date tonight? Jamie: Yes! [The audience hoots and claps.] Laurie: Yeah. The crowd is very supportive of you. They want this [censored] to go right for you. I like how bold you are in saying that you date a lot in front of a date! That’s why you’re my queen! Yeah, you’re like, “Yeah! I get out! Uh-huh! I got a six-year-old, [censored] I gotta do what I gotta do!” Yeah! Jamie: [Inaudible], that’s the thing. So— Laurie: Pardon? [Another audience member cheers, “Yeah!” supportively.] Jamie: I said [inaudible]. Laurie: Oooh, she’s a nurse! Okay. Are you guys nurses as well? ‘Cause she spoke Latin and you guys both responded immediately. [They affirm.] That’s amazing. So, what kind of a nurse are you? Jamie: I don’t know, yet. Laurie: Uh, are you supposed to know by now, or—? I don’t know how nursing goes. Uh. Are you just gonna show up at a hospital one day and—? Jamie: Hopefully.
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Laurie: Pardon? Jamie: I said I’m gonna work in a jail. Laurie: Wow! What the [censored]?! Jamie, your life gets more hardcore with every reveal! Whenever I do have a boyfriend, I never introduce my son to him as a boyfriend. I always say, “Oh, honey, this is your uncle.” Then, when I break up with a guy, I tell my son, “Oh, honey, your uncle died.” Yeah, it’s tough ‘cause once I had a really good month on OkCupid, which means of course my son had the worst month of his entire life. Yeah. He lost 11 uncles. Mm-hm. And two aunts. Yeah. And a grandpa. But that guy actually died.
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jesse
Laurie Kilmartin, one of our favorites here at Bullseye. Her record, Corset, was recorded live at the Punchline in San Francisco, one of my favorite clubs. Laurie also cohosts the podcast The Jackie and Laurie Show, here on Maximum Fun. You can find Laurie Kilmartin on Twitter @AnyLaurie16 and she is very, very, very good at that website and application.
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Thumpy synth with light vocalizations.
jesse
It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. Next up on Bullseye’s Best of 2021 Standup Special, Danny Jolles. If you’re a fan of the sitcom Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, you may or may not remember him as George in that recurring role. He’s a softspoken and shy worker at a law firm. None of his coworkers can ever remember his name. It’s one of the funniest running bits on that great show. Jolles has had acting roles in Rami and Corporate, as well. When he’s not acting, he’s a standup comic. Let’s listen to a bit of Danny Jolles’s debut standup comedy album. It’s called Six Parts.
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[The audience laughs at regular intervals throughout the performance.] Danny Jolles: Technology moves real fast and it’s like, what if I’m just getting older and I just—you ever have that moment where you’re like, “What if I just don’t get it anymore?” I have that—like, I don’t know, I just—I went home—I just saw my grandpa. I went home for Passover, which is a Jewish holiday. And, uh, [chuckles] and I saw my grandpa and he was describing what life was like when he was like a kid. [Whistles.] You don’t realize how fast technology moves until your grandpa describes what life was like when he was a kid. I don’t know if anybody knows my grandpa in here, but he will take you there, man. He was just telling us—he was just like, [loudly] “When we were kids, we used to hit each other in the face with sticks!” What? “Uuh, yeah, Stick Face! You kids don’t play Stick Face no more?!” What are you talking about? It’s like, “Eeeh! It was the age of Sinatra! We all had syphilis.” And he’d go walking out of the room. And my cousins—the sad part was like, he goes walking out. My cousins are all just like laughing and like, “Heh, heh, grandpa!” But I just like—I know it’s just in there and I was like, “That’s a smart man.” That’s just how fast technology moves. Like someday, if you wanna have a nightmare right now—someday we’re gonna have to describe what life is like right now to our grandkids.” [Someone in the audience groans, “Oh my god.”] How are we gonna explain any of this to them? How are we gonna explain—Uber?! How are we gonna explain Uber to our grandkids? We’re gonna have self-driving cars in, what, ten years give or take? Right? We’re about 50 years now down the road and I just have a group of grandkids looking up at me just like, [in a bright, childlike tone] “Wait, grandpa! What would happen when you were drunk?” And then I would have to be like, “Well! I would pull out my phone and I would push a button and then a man in between jobs would just show up and I would just hop in that stranger’s car.” “W-w-was there any training for this man?” “No training! No training at all! All we knew was that he had a Hyundai Sonata and failed dreams. And outside of that, I don’t think about it.” “Grandpa! That’s insane. That has to be the most dangerous thing that was on the roads.” “Well, there were busses.” “What’s a bus?!”
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Danny: “Alright. Alright. Alright, kids. You ready? You’re gonna take the car. You’re gonna blow it up real big. Alright? Now, you know all the safety things we have like seatbelts and airbags? Throw ‘em out the window. Some people—some people wouldn’t even have seats! They would be just standing, clutching a pole while thing was going 60. We would hollow this thing out and shove as many people with DUIs in there as we could.” Very unsafe. [Chuckles.] “Grandpa. That’s insane. That has to be the most dangerous thing that was on the roads?” “Well, there were motorcycles.” “What’s a motorcycle?” “Alright. Boss, back to the car. You’re gonna cut a slice off the car. You’re gonna put a man on top. He has a tattoo. Now. Now, [strangled] he’s swerving in and out of the traffic. If you touch him, he’s dead, immediately. No chance of survival. Now, wait, wait—we made them wear helmets so we could identify them after the crash.” [Someone in the audience shouts, “It’s truuue!”.] “Grandpa, that’s insane. [Droning.] That has to be the most dangerous thing that was on the—" “Well, there were bicycles.” “What the hell is a bicycle?!” “Language. Okay. Bus, car, motorcycle. You’re gonna cut a slice off the motorcycle. You’re gonna put a man on top. He has a tattoo, but it’s ironic. Now. [Chuckles.] Now, he’s going 1/10th the speed of everything else, obeys none of the other rules of the road. He can go any direction at any moment. There are no rules for this man. And if you get anywhere near him, he’s gonna look at you like you’re the lunatic and he isn’t a psychopath for thinking this is okay.” “GRANDPA, WHY!?” “It was the age of Cardi B and we all had herpes.” Technology moves fast!
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jesse
Danny Jolles from his album, Six Parts. A recording of Six Parts is available for free on YouTube. In it, Danny performs standup comedy in six different places and on six different sets. Some of the comedy venues include a barber shop, a gym, and a surfboard store. Next up is Chris Fairbanks. He’s been a comedian for more than two decades. Years ago, he was a regular on the cult Comedy Central show, Reality Bites Back, hosted by the great Michael Ian Black. His standup has appeared on Conan, Last Comic Standing, and Jimmy Kimmel Live. And he is a fan favorite guest—perhaps the fan favorite guest—on my comedy podcast Jordan, Jesse, Go!. Let’s listen to a segment of Chris Fairbanks, The Rescue Cactus Album.
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[The audience laughs at regular intervals throughout the performance.] Chris Fairbanks: I don’t wanna kill anything. I don’t wanna—[stammering] eee, I’m squeamish fishing, even. And I’ve tried. I went fishing, fancy style, on a boat—a chartered boat with professional fishing men. And I bought the license. They gave me the pole. I’m like, “Let’s do this!” And then we got out there and they opened the trough of bait, but the trough was an aquarium of fish floating around. Like, sardines and squid living in what they thought was harmony. And, uh, [chuckles]—and then a big, giant hand picks them up and you put a hook in a already alive fish. Like, I’m just—it’s a hand-to-hand murder situation. I wasn’t ready for that. But—and at first, I was like, “I’m sorry!” I said sorry to the first five fish. And then after a while, I was like, “Right in the eye, [censored]!” I got used to it, you know? Blood on my hands. And then I cast—this is real. I cast—and I’m not kidding, this happened. I cast, the fish was flopping on a hook, and this bird—out of nowhere. This was near Catalina Island. You know the island! This bird flew by—like a beautiful—like an albatross or just a seagull that really took care of himself, swept down, in midair—mid-cast—caught my fish. I saw it cartoonishly go down his throat. Gulp! And then I’m just flying a bird like a kite, panicking, reeling him in like, “I’m so sorry!” Trying to get him to me. He wanted to go the other way. I really didn’t—then there’s a—and I was immediately crying ‘cause my fishing just got elevated to hunting. You know, I didn’t sign up… Everyone on the boat like thought I had caught something and then like, nuh-uh-uh! Bird kite! And then the head fishing man—I think that was his name—he came along. He snipped the line. And then the bird flew away with great stride. And I was like, “Well, he be—so, that bird’s fine, right?” And he’s like, “Oh, no. That’s a dead bird. That bird flying?” I don’t understand having a bird as a pet. Actually, that might be kind of fun to have a parrot. You can teach him to talk, teach him to say, [screaming] “Help, I used to be a man and a curse was put on me! I miss my wife!” Everyone would be like, hey, cool bird, man!
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jesse
Chris Fairbanks. The Rescue Cactus Album is out now. If you’d like to hear more from Chris, he’s also the cohost of Do You Need a Ride? alongside comedian Karen Kilgariff, two of the funniest folks around. They’ve had some pretty stellar guests recently, including Aparna Nancherla, Margaret Cho, and Yeardley Smith.
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jesse
Even more from Bullseye’s Best of 2021 Standup Comedy Special still to come. Stay with us! Nish Kumar, Jackie Kashian, and many more. Again, it’s Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR.
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Bright, chiming synth with a steady beat.
jesse
Welcome back to Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. This week, we’re doing something a little different. We’re listening to some of the best standup comedy released on a record in 2021, handpicked by the staff at Maximum Fun. And I guess when I say, “released on record”, that’s a pretty broad definition, including MP3s and lossless FLACs or whatever. Next up, Nish Kumar. Nish is a standup comic and a television host in the UK. He’s worked on shows like the BBC’s Late Night Mash and the Comedy Central series Joel & Nish vs the World. Earlier this year, he released a two-part comedy album, called It’s In Your Nature to Destroy Yourselves. It includes material from shows he did in 2016 and 2019. Here’s Nish Kumar.
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[The audience laughs at regular intervals throughout the performance.] Nish Kumar: I come from a Hindu family. I am a Hindu. I’m a [censored] Hindu. And I come from a really mixed religious background. My father is an Orthodox Hindu. My mother—and this will not surprise you—has her own take. This a direct quote: “I pray to all of them, that way I’m covered.” That’s not how it works, Mum! I don’t know how it works, but that’s definitely not how it works! And my grandfather was raised a Hindu before converting to Christianity in his 50s. And when he converted to Christianity, he changed his name from Methil Narayanan Kutty to Mike, something which we found out when someone phoned the house asking for Mike. Someone phoned the house and said, “Is Mike there?” My answer, “There’s no one called Mike here.” And he went, “Oh! That’s me!” [Voice cracking as he shouts.] And then took the call! And then afterwards, he said, “Oh, did I not tell you?” [Screaming.] No, you didn’t [censored] tell us! That you changed your name to Mike! Listen, last July something happened. Last July, I was coming back from Montreal, where I’d been at the Just For Laughs comedy festival and I’d had a lovely time. Now, on the last day of the festival, there were four comedians traveling from Montreal to London. Now, those four comedians were being taken to the airport in two separate cars, two by two—and this is the crucial piece of information—those two cars were gonna arrive at different times. Now, the four comedians involved were Jimmy Carr, Ellie Taylor, Paul Chowdhry, and me. Now, you’re looking at that four and you’re thinking, “For god’s sakes, split that logically.” Put me with Ellie or Jimmy, the White lady or the alien. Either one is fine. Worst thing that happens, I go with Jimmy Carr and get to see Area 51. That’s a fun day out for little Nishi! But they didn’t put me with Ellie or Jimmy. They put me with Chowders. They double-browned. If you’re thinking, “How bad can it have been? It can’t have been that bad.” [Screaming.] We got searched! In the queue! To get searched! That’s how bad it was; we were too suspicious for the search queue! So, they took us out of it, searched our bags, put us back in the queue, searched our bags again, put our bags in the x-ray. The guy takes the bag out of the x-ray and then he says to me, “I need to see inside this.” And I’m there thinking I thought’s that what the x-ray did. ‘Cause when I was 10 years old and I fell over and hit my head, I don’t remember the doctor bursting in and going, “Ooh! Uuh, we’re gonna have to smash your head open anyway! We didn’t get a look at the x-ray. That’s on us.” Now, when the guy said I need to have a look inside your bag, I said, “What have you seen on the x-ray?” ‘Cause that’s the theory, isn’t it? That he’s seen something on the x-ray that he needs to investigate closer. But here’s the thing, it was a trick question. ‘Cause I knew he couldn’t have seen anything on the x-ray, because I know what’s in my [censored] bag, because I travel constantly for work, and I look like this. So, I know all the rules. At this point, me and guys who look like me are essentially a second layer of security staff for airports and we end up having to help stupid [censored] White idiots who stand there going, [yelling] “What do you mean I can’t bring in a 500-liter drum of crude oil?! I’ve put it in a clear plastic bag! This is an outrage! I want to speak to a manager!”
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Nish: Every brown man you know knows all the rules. Aaall of the rules! And every brown man you know has a survival strategy for dealing with airports. Look at this man, sat in the front row nodding at me like he’s never related to anything more in his entire life. There’s four seat brothers behind him and they’re all looking at each other being like, “Yeeeah.” Now, when I said to this guy, “What have you seen?” He said, “This is a random search. We are on an elevated terror threat.” Now, before I tell you what I said, [chuckles] let’s get two things straight. Firstly, ultimately, I know it was not this guy’s fault. Right? He was just a guy that worked in Montreal airport. He’s a delivery point of structural racism. He’s not the instigator of it. Right? Secondly, I know no one comes off well from this story. Because I don’t know why I said what I said. Ultimately, maybe it’s because I was tired and hungover. Maybe it was because it’s been 16 years of this [censored] and I’ve had enough. Maybe it’s because in the last couple of years, I have seen White violence go culturally unpunished. But what I do know is that what I said did not help! How could it have? Because when that man said, “This is a random search. We are on an elevated terror threat.” I said, [screaming] “DO YOU HONESTLY THINK ISIS IS PAYING FOR BUSINESS CLASS?!”
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jesse
Nish Kumar, from his record It’s In Your Nature to Destroy Yourselves. You can follow him on Twitter @MrNishKumar. That’s mister spelled M-R. Next up, Clare Belford, in a bit from her debut comedy album, The Entire Cabbage. Clare is a standup originally from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. These days, she’s based in Toronto. In her sets, she often talks about not living up to her grandmother’s expectations and about her time working as a waitress. Clare’s a Millennial and like a lot of us Millennials, she’s still kind of figuring things out. Here’s Clare Belford.
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[The audience laughs at regular intervals throughout the performance.] Clare Belford: I’m an adult now. I’m 30. [Chuckles.] You know. Officially an adult. We’re late—we’re later, my generation. We got here a little later. Um. Yeah. I’m 30. So, I’m trying to—I’m trying to be a better grownup. I’ve been like just eating out less, trying to cook for myself more—which means buying more groceries. Buying groceries is easy. I do find it difficult to use them before they go bad. So, I am pretty excited to tell you that I just finished an entire cabbage. [Someone in the audience cheers, “Yeeeah!”] For the first time. [Scattered cheers and applause.] Thank you. Yes. That is the appropriate response. It’s [chuckles] quite a feat. If you buy a cabbage and you don’t wanna throw any away, like you’ve gotta be thinking about that like all the time. Like the moment you wake up in the morning, like just roll out of bed like, “[Yawns sleepily before swapping to being intense and energized.] Okay, focus! Think! How can I incorporate cabbage into toast? Uuuh.” You know? It doesn’t seem like it’s gonna be that daunting. You know? You look at it. It’s like—you’re like, “Oh, it’s leafy. Okay, whatever. I’ve seen lettuce.” But then you cut into it and it’s like [mimics the sound of a knife hitting each layer of cabbage leaf]. Like, there’s just so much in there. And like, okay, so I’m like cutting it up one night. You know? Making my fifth coleslaw in like two days. And I’m not a very fast cook. You know? And like I keep messing up and cutting too big of chunks, so I’ve gotta like go back and cut individual leaves of cabbage into smaller strips. It’s taking me forever. Finally, after like 30 minutes, I get a bowl of it together. And I go to turn to grab the dressing and as I turn, like I accidentally knock the bowl of cabbage onto the floor. [Chuckles.] And I’m just like watching it all—it’s happening like in slow motion in front of me. I’m just like watching it all just like slowly drift. Like just imagine the most disappointing pinata. Like, it’s just all cabbage. [Chuckles.] And my honest first reaction was, “Ooooh, thank god. Thank god. Anything to help get through some of this cabbage.” Like, I was so committed to finishing this thing, and by the time I realized the commitment I made, I felt like I was like a teen mom. [Chuckles.] Like, this is not fair! Like, this was supposed to be one night of fun with like a cute fish taco recipe that I saw online. I thought it seemed nice! And now I’m on the hook with this thing, you know? Round the clock responsibility. I’m not ready for this! You know, and it’s not like I’m saying like maybe one day I won’t wanna have a cabbage, but not now. Like, if I had a cabbage at home, I couldn’t be out here doing this. You know? [Laughs.] Obviously, I’m not suggesting that being a single mother is anything like being a single woman with a cabbage, but I can say that men seem just as put off. [Giggles.]
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jesse
Clare Belford from her debut album, The Entire Cabbage. You can check out what she’s up to on Twitter @ClareBelford. That’s Clare spelled C-L-A-R-E.
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Thumpy synth with light vocalizations.
jesse
It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. Paula Poundstone has been performing standup comedy for decades. She got her big break in the mid-1980s when she was on a bunch of HBO comedy specials. Since then, she’s worked in television and film. She’s a regular panelist on Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! and she has her own podcast. Paula just released a new album, called Paula Poundstone Goes to College (One Night Only). Here’s Paula Poundstone.
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[The audience laughs at regular intervals throughout the performance.] Paula Poundstone: Are their Harvard students here, by any chance? [A huge swell of cheers from the audience.] Oh, for [censored] sakes! There’s one right there. You don’t know who that guy is?! No, well it’s not—probably not required. You can probably get a degree without having any idea who that guy is. What are you studying? Speaker: Women’s studies. Paula: Women’s studies? So, are you getting credit right now? Because, you know. I am, by all accounts, a woman. And, uh, you know—in a way, just sitting, listening would be studying. Let me ask you this, did you have classes today? Speaker: One. Paula: One. Well, you know, when you’re studying women, you have to pace yourself. A lot of the time—can I be honest with you? I hate women. There, that’s been said. I think we’re stupid and boneheaded. I’m sick of women. I’ve had it with them. You know, in 1992, we get a couple of women into the Senate and they’re all yipping around at their acceptance speeches saying, “The year of the woman! The year of the woman!” What fat, White guy came up with that phrase?! The year of the woman. You realize it’s over with, now? We gals had our year. We’re so exhausted. We’re giving it back to you fellas! It sure was a fun year, though, wasn’t it? That’s right. You guys, we got six women in the Senate and that was considered the year of the woman?! Six women in the Senate? We’re 52% of the population! Apparently, women do suck at math! One time, my brother picked me up by my neck and I told my dad. You know, ‘cause it hurt and so I complained and said, you know, “Jimmy picked me up by the neck.” And he said, “Well, did you do anything that would cause him to pick you up by the neck?” Well, what behavior exactly would fall into that category? Yeah, I stood in a hole with just my head coming out. I… I see, now. I had the opportunity—you know the—I believe that this issue is on its way to the Supreme Court, actually. The thing going on in Colorado with the Amendment 2, which was to prevent cities from including in their charters protections of civil rights for people based on their sexual orientation. And there was a group called Colorado for Family Values who spearheaded that amendment and now the argument about it’s going to the Supreme Court. I had occasion to meet Will Perkins— [Some members of the audience boo.] —who’s the head of Colorado for Family Values. He owns Perkins Chevrolet in Colorado Springs, and I went, and I interviewed him for Mother Jones Magazine. And he said to me that he—he doesn’t like to be called a homophobe, by the way—that he does not discriminate, he said. In fact, he felt that he could relate to homosexuals he said, because he’s a car salesman. And he said, “People make fun of our pants and our white shoes.” And I thought, yes, that is so similar. Really. That must be hell for you.
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Paula: He went on to tell me that he—until the 10th grade, he didn’t like girls, he said. He found that often they were smarter than him in school and he was intimidated by them, and he didn’t think that they were interested in sports, and so he didn’t know what to say to them. He just didn’t like girls until about the 10th grade, he thought. And that if prior to that, a homosexual teacher or counselor had talked to him, they could have talked him into coming over to their side. Now, I don’t pretend to know the psychological or physiological reasons for anybody’s sexuality one way or the other, but I had no idea that it might even possibly be based on a giant game of red rover, red rover.
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Paula Poundstone. Her new album is called Paula Poundstone Goes to College (One Night Only). It’s available wherever you get comedy or music.
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Thumpy rock music.
jesse
This is Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. Ed Hill is a standup from Vancouver, British Columbia. He was born in Taiwan, and he moved to Canada with his parents when he was ten. As you’ll hear in a little bit, his childhood features pretty heavily into his act. Ed put out an album this year, called Candy & Smiley, named after his parents. He recorded it during the height of the pandemic, so he decided to keep his audience small. Very, very small. Specifically, six people. Six people in a room with Ed. Anyway, here’s Ed Hill.
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[The audience laughs at regular intervals throughout the performance.] Ed Hill: I don’t watch TV. This is my thing. I’ll tell you what I love. I love live entertainment. Yeah! Live entertainment. Like, watching my parents fight. Yeah, oh my god, as a kid? Devastating. As an adult? Incredible. Yeah! My parents were going at it the other day. My mom is screaming at my dad, ‘cause apparently he’s been throwing her shoes in the garbage. Yeah. So, my brother got all scared. Right, he ran out. He was like, “Ed. Ed, Ed, Ed. Like, they’re going at it. Like, what are you gonna do?” I’m like, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom and laugh.” He’s like, “Why?!” I’m like, “Cause I’ve been throwing her shoes in the garbage.” I wanted to see a show! I think I’m the way I am because I had a different childhood. That’s the way I was brought up. You know? I didn’t get a chance to play video games every day. I played the piano every single day. An hour a day, starting when I was six. Yeah. I even asked my dad, why? Why are we doing this? He told me, apparently it was because if you play a musical instrument, people will like you more. Which is total [censored]. ‘Cause my neighbor just started playing the trumpet and I hate him. Every night at ten o’clock, I wanna stab him in the face. It was piano then Kumon, every single day. Yeah. And I don’t know if you guys know what Kumon is. It’s a math center. You go every day. You get a worksheet. If you get it wrong, you have to do it over and over and over again until nobody wants to have sex with you. That’s Kumon. I had somebody come up to me at a show one time and like he’s like, “Okay, Ed, I get it. I know you’re making fun of it. You don’t like it. What does Kumon actually mean?” I was like, “Oh, it’s easy. It’s a Japanese word but means you’re gonna go to prom alone.”
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jesse
Ed Hill from his album, Candy & Smiley. You can stream or download Candy & Smiley on Apple Music, Amazon Music, and Pandora. You can also watch the video of him performing it on Amazon Prime. Next up, veteran comic Jackie Kashian. She’s the host of two great podcasts. She’s put out more than 650 episodes of The Dork Forest. 650! On The Dork Forest, she interviews people about the things they like to geek out about. I went on there one time. I think I talked about men’s clothes. Her other podcast is The Jackie and Laurie Show, from Maximum Fun—the company that I founded. She cohosts that podcast with Laurie Kilmartin, who you heard earlier on the show. They are friends of very longstanding and they love to talk about the nuts and bolts of doing comedy and their experiences on the road. It is like listening in to a secret conversation, but it is also super funny. This year, Jackie Kashian put out her album Stay-Kashian. It’s really great. She talks a lot about the experiences we all had together last year, during the lockdown.
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[The audience laughs at regular intervals throughout the performance.] Jackie Kashian: Quarantine, it’s weird. We’re in the weirdest—you know, the laziest civil war I’ve ever seen in my life, you guys. It’s a weird time. It’s a weird, weird time. Spend all day long playing whack-a-mole. But I will say that some people—a lot of people have kids. I don’t have kids. On purpose. Some of my friends who have kids were beating themselves up about their kids. And they’re like, “I spent four years no screen time and now it’s 12 hours a day screentime and I feel like the worst parent ever.” And I was like, oh my god, cut yourself some slack. This isn’t the year to have that fight. And is that kid still alive? You win. And, uh—and—but my friend has three kids, and she was like, “Every day was the same with these kids. Every day!” And I was like, “It’s been a year. They’ve gotta be taller. Like, they gotta be able to reach the cereal or something. Right?” She told me one of her kids can read, now! That—her life has changed fundamentally. She can’t lie to that kid anymore. That kid can check her sources. And nobody knows how it’s gonna effect the kids. Like, I don’t—I do, actually, know what everyone’s childhood was like because it wasn’t this. You did not have your parents next to you for 12 months. It was—it was, “Get out. Go run around.” There was none of that for 12 months. Right here, right here with the kids. So, we don’t know. I think it’s gonna be very beautiful. There’s gonna be—when I was a kid, they had just invented the term “quality time”. It was the ‘70s. And they’d just invented the term quality time, and I’m the youngest of six and I distinctly remember my stepmother telling us—she was like, “Quality time—I think that that’s childcare. I don’t think we can afford that.” What you’re getting here is quantity. Quantity time. Gonna be some good nuggets. It’s gonna be fun. So, all we know so far is that none of the children in our lives wanna hear our 9/11 stories. [Unsympathetically.] “Oh, did you have a bad day?” Yeah. Okay. Alright. My least favorite of most of the people on the planet right now are the end of times people. They think it’s the end of times. It’s not, by the way. It’s not the end times. Just crummy times. Try to help someone in front of you. You’re doing great. You’re doing great. But here’s the thing, they want it to be the end times. There are people who wish it to be the end times right now, ‘cause they wanna get to the rapture! Here’s the twist, they’ve decided that they’re gonna be horrible people to speed up the end times to get to the rapture. Let’s unpack. First of all, not the end times, just terrible times. Try to help somebody. Second thing, the rapture. I don’t know if you know anything about the rapture, uh, they’re not taking horrible people. Third thing you may not know about the rapture, not real! Not real. Literally a parable to get you to not be a horrible person. But there’s always a silver lining, always a silver lining in every existence, in every moment in time. And the silver lining now is that the Germans are gonna get to be the good guys in World War III. That used to get a really big laugh. I did that joke in Reykjavík, Iceland? Four Germans in the front row were like, “FINALLY! Vindicated!” And it makes sense! If you admit the worst thing you ever did, you get to be the hero in the sequel. So, good for the Germans.
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Jackie Kashian from her album Stay-Kashian. That’s Stay and Kashian, like her last name. K-A-S-H-I-A-N.
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jesse
We’ve got even more of the Bullseye End of Year Standup Comedy Special coming up after a quick break. When we return, Chris Gethard, Josh Johnson, and more. Stick around. It’s Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR.
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Peaceful, relaxed music.
jesse
Support for this podcast and the following message come from Airbnb. If you’ve ever thought about hosting, you might have a few questions. What’s it like? Where do I store my stuff? Is hosting worth it? Now, with Ask a Super Host, you can get free one-on-one help from Airbnb’s most experienced hosts. Whether you’re curious how to get started or just wondering if it’s right for you, you can now ask someone who’s already hosting. Learn more at Airbnb.com/askasuperhost. [Music fades out.]
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Music: Exciting, sweeping music. Hal Lublin: Tights and Fights is the perfect wrestling podcast from Maximum Fun. And this week, we’re speaking to Austin Creed, better known as WWE’s Xavier Woods, to find out more about his favorite TV show growing up. Austin Creed: And I would watch Golden Girls. All of the things that I am obsessed with in my life, all of them have that aspect of teamwork. So, Golden Girls is four women—right?—in the house. No, no. Their fifth person is their chemistry. That to me is the most important thing, ‘cause that’s what we’re all trying to find. Hal: WWE and G-Force, Austin Creed on Tights and Fights. Find it on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. [Music ends.]
jesse
It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. This week, we’re playing for you a bit of some of 2021’s best standup records. Next up, Josh Johnson. He’s appeared on The Tonight Show and Conan. He writes for The Daily Show, and he’s toured with Trevor Noah, that show’s host. He’s had a pretty busy 2021. Earlier this year, he released his first ever standup special, Hashtag, which debuted on Comedy Central, and he released his debut album, Elusive. It’s a combination of comedy and music. Here’s a little bit of the standup.
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[The audience laughs at regular intervals throughout the performance.] Josh Johnson: Do you think [chuckles]… do you think that some of the inventors, if they were alive today—people who invented things way in the past—do you think that they would be mad that so many Black people are using their invention? You know what I mean?! I’m just saying! Just think of an invention, think of when it was made, think of how the general public felt about Black people at that time, and then think about bringing them back today and then they see it. You know? You know what I mean? Like, imagine. I’m just saying. Imagine the guy—what if the guy that made the microwave was like, [offended] “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I invented this microwave for White dinner. Alright? I made it to reheat dry, White burgers. Okay?! I didn’t make it for some [censored] curry. Okay?” [Chuckles.] “I made—I made the microwave so you could reheat asparagus. I didn’t make it for this hip-hop B-B-Q you’re putting in there. Put that [censored] in the stove.” [Chuckles.] Oh, man. I’m just saying. I’m not saying everyone from back then was racist. I’m just saying, imagine. You know? I did—I did get to thinking about this for like a long time. ‘Cause you can only watch so much TV. So, I’m just sitting there just thinking. I was like, what if—what if we did this? Like, take like the Wright brothers or something—right?—bring the Wright brothers back to life and show them what planes are like now. You know what I mean? Like, they show up and they have a guide from the present day, and they take them to an airport and they’re like, “What is this?!” And it’s like, “Oh, it’s—it’s an airport. Your invention actually took off so well that now they’re all over the world. And so, we create these hubs for them to park at and transport people. And so, now people get on your plane, and they go to other places, and they can go around the world if they want to!” And the Wright brothers are like, “That’s amazing! That’s—wow! We had no idea that could possibly happen.” So, then they take them inside and as they take them inside, they’re looking around, they’re like, “Is this all part of how flying is?” Like, and it’s like no, actually, this is a bunch of shops and the food court. Um. That’s actually a Cinnabon. You wanna stay away from that. That… that will shorten the hell out of your life if you—we’re actually trying to get rid of those in these, ‘cause it’s just killing people. “Alright, wow! That’s—okay. That’s good to know.” And so, then they take the Wright brothers to TSA. So, then they get—they get up there and the TSA lady is like, “Can you please take your shoes off.” Right? And then they’re like, “Oh, okay—why I do I need to take my shoe—?” “Just take your shoes off, sir.” “Okay, I’m taking them off, but why do I need to take them off?” And he’s like, “Sir, look, um, I’m about to go on my break. If you need me to call security, I can. Because you will not step on my break. Okay?” And the Wright brothers are like, “Fine! Fine.” So, then they take their shoes off, they put them in the tray, they go through the thing. As they go through the thing, it whooshes past them and they’re like, “What was that?” And they’re like, “Actually, that was to make sure that there was like nothing dangerous on you or like a bomb or something.” And the Wright brothers are like, “Why would there be a bomb on me?! That’s crazy!” And it’s like, “Well, actually there’s a whole geopolitical thing that we can’t get into right now. Just like get your shoes back on and we’re gonna go to your gate.” So, then they go to the gate and at the gate, the Wright brothers are like, “This is amazing. You’ve organized this so perfectly! Like, now people are gonna use this door to go to that plane and then leave and then people come behind them, do the same thing. That’s crazy!” Right?
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So, then it’s time for them to board and the Wright brothers get up, walk to the door to the gate, and immediately catch a hand in the chest. And they’re like, “What’s wrong? I got my ticket. This is my flight. What’s wrong?” And the lady at the desk is like, “I called for Diamond. You are not Diamond. Alright? You are Group 4, okay? I don’t even know why you’re standing up, right now. Alright? You really don’t need to be up here like that. Alright? Crowding me, crowding my space. Get your broke ass back down, Group 4. Okay? I don’t even know why you’re up here, why are your knees not bent right now? You’re standing up in front of me.” So, then the Wright brothers are like, “Oh, okay. I’m sorry. I can sit down.” And then they’re like, “What was that?” And their guide is like, “Actually, we came up with all of these classification systems when you board a plane, like Diamond and all that other stuff, so that we could prioritize who gets on the plane first, which there’s really no point to, because we’re all going to the same place. But, you know, it’s a thing that we do with what you did.” And he’s like, “Okay. Wow. That’s interesting.” And so, then they finally call Diamond, Emerald, Ruby, Gold, Silver, Bronze, One, Two, Three, Four. And then the Wright brothers get onto the plane. And then they’re looking around, they’re like, “This is amazing! Like, look at all the seats! That means so many people are gonna be using our invention. And there’s even an overhead compartment for your luggage. We didn’t even think of that! That’s crazy! Just one quick question. Just one thing. Why is there a Black guy in the front? ‘Cause when we got on, I saw that we passed him and I just assumed that was the back, ‘cause that’s how we did it back in our day. And now that we’re turned around and we’re facing this way, I’m realizing he’s in the front. How’d that happen? Should we alert somebody?” And then their guide is like, “No, no, actually, he’s in first class because he paid extra to be there, because it has more leg room and more amenities. And the Wright brothers were like, “Oh, cool, cool, cool. I understand.” [Beat.] “How did he have extra? That sounds a bit suspicious. That’s a little weird, right? How’d that happen?” It’s like, “Well, sir, he actually has like a marketing job and everything and they pay him six figures, so he has the money to fly first class if he wants to.” “Oh, okay, okay. That’s interesting. How about this: land this plane, alright? I would’ve never made this [censored] if I would’ve known you were gonna put Black guys in the front.”
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jesse
Josh Johnson, from his 2021 album Elusive, which is streaming now. Josh also has his own podcast, The Josh Johnson Show. You can find that wherever you listen to podcasts. Next up, Gina Brillon and a bit from her record, Easily Offended. Along with doing standup, Gina is also a writer and actress. She’s a native of the Bronx and she’s been doing comedy since she was 17 years old. She’s made appearances on Late Night with Seth Meyers, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and she was a finalist on America’s Got Talent. Gina released a new album earlier this year, called Easily Offended. Here’s a bit from the record about her relationship with her husband.
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[The audience laughs at regular intervals throughout the performance.] Gina Brillon: He wants to learn Spanish so bad. My husband wants to learn Spanish so bad. And I keep stopping him. Because then I won’t be able to talk about him when my parents are in the room. [The audience cheers.] Yeah. [Laughs.] Like, how am I supposed to talk behind your back in front of you if you are speaking Spanish? [Chuckles.] If you’ve ever thought that people speaking like another language in front of you were like talking about you, of course. Of course, we are. Without a doubt, we would not be speaking another language. So, just take that gem home with you. Next time you go anywhere and they’re speaking Spanish, just know. That’s enough. [The audience cheers.] He’s a good guy. He’s definitely a sweetheart of a guy. I married up. I did! I married up. I didn’t date up; I married up. Like, I dated waaay belooow. Way below the bar. And I’m sure we’ve all been there, right? We all [laughs]—you get the dudes easy. You get like one or two or 12, depending on how good you are at making bad choices. [Laughs.] I’m amazing at it! I’m so good at that. But he is a good guy. He’s sweet. You know? He’s not perfect. Like, nobody’s perfect. Everybody has their flaws. Like, his biggest flaw is that he talks too much. That is laughter from people who have been with somebody who talks too much. [The audience cheers.] Yeah! ‘Cause you know the pain. ‘Cause you can’t teach somebody how to just be regular. You can’t just be like, “Yo, just be regular.” They don’t know what you’re talking about. Not even if you break it down. If you’re like, “Look, all them times you wanna talk? Don’t. Okay? Don’t say nothing. The second a thought comes—mm! Mm.” They don’t GET it. And that is a struggle when you’re with somebody that’s like that. Like, you guys don’t understand, it’s a serious problem. We have a safe word for when he’s talking too much. Like, when he’s talking too much, I say, “Armadillo,” and he knows to stop. It’s a weird word to bring up in conversation, though. Like, [disguising the word in a cough] “Armadillo.” Subtle ways. “Do you guys like armadillos?”
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Gina: Sometimes he’ll just be talking. Like, he talks so much that I will forget he’s not like an audiobook that I left on. I’ll just be like, “Did I leave this on repeat? I don’t understand. What chapter are we on?” I can see it when he’s talking to other people. That’s the most nerve-racking, when somebody gets like talking to him and you see it in their face. They’re like [sighs]. ‘Cause he doesn’t read social cues, either. So, like he’s not picking up on the fact that they’re like, [puffs out a long, tired sigh]. Right? They start looking for me to like SOS at me with their eyes. I’m like, uh-uh! I’m with him all day! This is your shift. Bye! Goodbye. Yeah. Enjoy your time. [Chuckles.] I said good day!
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jesse
Gina Brillon, from her record, Easily Offended.
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jesse
It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. Next up, Erica Rhodes. She’s both a standup and an actor. You might have seen her on Veep or Modern Family. Before that, she worked on A Prairie Home Companion. Erica Rhodes’s newest standup album is called La Vie en Rhodes. Quite a title. She recorded it in Pasadena, California—not far from where I sit right now. And she recorded it outdoors. The audience enjoyed her performance from the comfort of their cars. So, uh, just be forewarned, you’re gonna hear some honking. Here’s Erica Rhodes.
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[The audience laughs at regular intervals throughout the performance and occasionally honks their car horns.] Erica Rhodes: I hate if I’m going on a date or something and someone goes, “Erica, just have fun and be yourself.” ‘Cause for me, it’s one or the other. Right? Like I can’t do both at the same time. Like, I’ll never be this girl—you know—who posts a photo on Instagram in some fancy, you know, Warrior 22 pose on top of a mountain and there’s like this beautiful sunset and the caption, “Living the dream.” I’m more the girl who posts a selfie from bed with the caption, “Can’t get up.” I wanna do non-motivational quotes on Instagram. Right? Which would go something like, “Just don’t.” Or, “There doesn’t have to be another day!” Or, “You can always live the life you imagined if you have a really [censored] imagination!” My friend wanted to get lunch the other day, but she’s like, “I’m vegan now.” And I was like, uh-oh, here we go with that whole trend. I was like, “Do you wanna go to Café Gratitude?” You know, the vegan restaurant. And she was like, “Well, I’m also gluten free. So, can we go to the juice bar?” And I was like, “How about we just never speak again? Let’s just move on with our lives.” [An overwhelming chorus of car horns.] “I don’t need to waste any more time figuring out where I’m not gonna eat tomorrow. I have enough not on my plate.” Then she’s like, “Do you wanna go out on a boat sometime?” Like, she had a friend with a boat, and it was July 4th, and I was like, “You’ve been in on a boat before. Right? Like, is that something we have to do twice in this lifetime?” ‘Cause I don’t think about the boat anymore. I overthink everything, so I think about all the steps that lead up to the boat. Right? I’m like, I have to put my bathing suit on. Then I have to figure out who else is gonna be on the boat and can I wear my bathing suit in front of the people on the boat. I have to do a whole research project on the people who are gonna be on the boat to determine if I can wear my bathing suit in front of them. And then I have to get to the boat. I’ll probably get lost getting there, ‘cause I’ll take Waze and Waze is gonna be like try making this left turn, sucker! Then I’ll get on the boat, not really wanna be on the boat. Everyone else’ll probably not really wanna be on the boat either, but they’ll all be Instagram, Snapchat story-ing that they’re on the boat, ‘cause they’ll want other people who aren’t on the boat to wish that they were on the boat. So, what I’d rather do, honestly, is just stay home, put my bathing suit on, get in the bathtub, put on “My Heart Will Go On” from Titanic, take a selfie, post it on Instagram, and label it, “Living the real dream. #JustDon’t.”
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Erica Rhodes from her album, La Vie en Rhodes. You can stream it right now.
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jesse
It’s the Bullseye End of Year Standup Comedy Spectacular. I’m Jesse Thorn. One more comic before we go, and it’s an old fave: Chris Gethard. He was, of course, the host of The Chris Gethard Show—the utterly bananas live public access TV show turned utterly bananas live basic cable TV show. He has appeared in a bunch of movies and TV shows, including Broad City, Don’t Think Twice, and Inside Amy Schumer. He’s also the host of the podcast Beautiful Anonymous, where he interviews strangers who call in. The standup special he put out this past year is called Half My Life and he closes it with an absolute stunner of a story. Here’s Chris.
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[The audience laughs at regular intervals throughout the performance.] Chris Gethard: There have been two times in my life where I’ve heard someone say an absolutely perfect thing. Two times that I can think of where someone has said something, I have been present, and I’m like, “That. Was. Perfect.” Now, I grew up in Northern New Jersey. More specifically, I grew up in a town called West Orange. More specifically than that, I grew up in a neighborhood called down the hill. It was the tough part of town. I wanna be clear, I am not claiming that I am tough. I know that I look like a grownup version of Calvin from Calvin & Hobbs. But I did take the down the hill boys’ bus to get home. And this was the bus with all the guys from the wrong side of the tracks in my hometown. Now, as you can imagine, crazy things happened on this bus every day. One day, I get on the bus, and I’m immediately hit with a whole bunch of ice cubes. I dive into a seat. I turn around. I realize a few guys have gone to a supermarket and they went in that cooler where you get the big five-pound bags of ice. That freezer? You know, if you’ve gotta fill a cooler at a cookout? And every time someone new gets on the bus, they’re just whipping ice at them. So, I’m mad I’ve been hit, but very quickly I’m like, “Alright. Who’s the next son of a [censored]?” You know? Like it was really fun. We’re picking up ice. We’re throwing it at each other. We’re screaming. We’re yelling. The driver is on the bus the entire time. He does not do a thing about this. He eventually just starts driving like none of this chaos is unfolding directly behind him. And when we get off school grounds, a very interesting thing happens. It goes from all of us on the bus being in an ice fight against one another to everybody on that bus teaming up in an ice fight against the entire town of West Orange, New Jersey. Every window on that bus comes down. Every car that comes by, ice! Every storefront window, ice! It’s like, “Oh… you think you’re jogging? Today, Miss, you’re fleeing ice. That’s what you’re actually doing. And eventually we had a red light next to a bus stop. Bus stop has one of those glass shelter things with a bench inside. Bunch of people sitting there. And as you can imagine, just a title wave of ice goes at this thing. And everybody on the bench, they did what we would all do. They stand up. They go on the other side of the glass thing, so the ice hits that. They wait for the light to change so we go away. They all do that except for one guy. He was a little bit older, probably early ‘60s. He’s wearing a very nice suit and he just stood up and stared us down. Ice hit him in the legs. He didn’t care. Chest? He didn’t blink. And then one piece flew the sky and bounced off his head and he shook. And when he looked up, something was different. You could feel it. Light turns green, we pull away. We go back to throwing ice at each other, at cars, business as usual. Until I hear somebody in the back of the bus shout the words, [shouting] “That maaan! He’s chasing usss!” And we all turn around to see that not even on the sidewalk—on the yellow line, this old man is running after our bus. Now, we erupted in cheers. We loved that we had caused this. We were 16-year-old boys.
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Chris: One kid took a whole bag of ice and shook it out the window hoping to create like a Home Alone style boobytrap to get the guy. The guy dodged all of them. Man, he had footwork. Now, we were in a moving vehicle. He was an older man. So, we could outpace him. So, we’d go over a hill and be like, “Cool, we lost him.” Then we’d hit a red light and over the horizon, here he comes! The guy would not quit. He catches up to the bus at a light. He’s going, “Open it! You open it right now!” Driver ignores him; he wants no part of this. Old man doesn’t miss a beat. He goes, [mimics the sound of the doors opening] and opens the bus door with his hands! Which we did not know was possible! So, he’s breathing heavy. He’s been running for a while, but it’s clear that he is about to speak. And he proceeds to say one of the two perfect things I have ever heard. What he said was: “[Panting.] Which one of you wants to get off this bus and fight me like a man?” And we were all like—did not see that coming! We started laughing and cheering. We loved it. He didn’t care. Louder, he goes, “Which one of you wants to get off this bus and fight me like a man?!” And then we went silent, ‘cause we’re like, “Oooh. This question is not hypothetical.” So, now we’re looking around like, “Well, is somebody going to? Like does somebody want to?” And right then, this kid, Dave, stands up. And he says the second perfect thing I have ever heard. Which was: “[Sighs.] Dad, please get off the bus.”
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Music swells and fades.
jesse
Chris Gethard from his album, Half My Life. You can listen to his podcast, Beautiful Anonymous, on pretty much any podcast platform. It’s great. Also, if you haven’t heard our interview with Chris from earlier this year, he told an absolutely bonkers story—another absolutely bonkers story—about the time he got Diddy to come do his show at The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. We’ll have a link to that episode on the Bullseye page at MaximumFun.org. And, hey, that’s about it. But one quick thing before we go: all of these comics that you heard on this special do standup comedy for a living. And there has not been a lot of live standup comedy the last couple years. So, the money that they rely on from standup dates has been spotty and they are relying extra hard on the sales of those records. So, if you liked any of these comics you heard, go buy something from it—whether it’s tickets or an actual copy of the record on—you know—Bandcamp or whatever. Buy some of their merch. Support them in some way. Everybody who’s a live performer right now is really hurting. So, they could use your support.
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Rich, relaxed music with a steady beat.
jesse
That’s the end of another episode of Bullseye. Bullseye is created from the homes of me and the staff of Maximum Fun, in and around greater Los Angeles, California—where, as we speak right now, the finishing touches are being put on my rangehood! Yes, that’s right. I’ll be able to brown and sear without filling both the first and second floor of my home with smoke! And the second floor was a real surprise. [Chuckles.] But it really does happen! The show is produced by speaking into microphones. Our senior producer is Kevin Ferguson. Our producer is Jesus Ambrosio. Production fellows at Maximum Fun are Richard Robey and Valerie Moffat. We get help from Casey O’Brien. Our thanks to all of them and to everybody else at Maximum Fun who listened to all of these standup albums. It was a group effort. Thanks to Daniel Baruela, Julian Burrell, Bikram Chatterji, Kira Gowan, Jennifer Marmor, Stacey Molski, April Pendergraft, Steph Prader, Laura Swisher, and KT Wiegman. Our interstitial music is by Dan Wally, also known as DJW. Our theme song is called “Huddle Formation”, recorded by the group The Go! Team. Thanks very much to The Go! Team and to their label, Memphis Industries. You can keep up with our show on Twitter @Bullseye as well as on Facebook and YouTube. We post all our interviews there on YouTube if you’d like to share them. And I think that’s about it. Just remember: all great radio hosts have a signature signoff.
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Speaker: Bullseye with Jesse Thorn is a production of MaximumFun.org and is distributed by NPR. [Music fades out.]
About the show
Bullseye is a celebration of the best of arts and culture in public radio form. Host Jesse Thorn sifts the wheat from the chaff to bring you in-depth interviews with the most revered and revolutionary minds in our culture.
Bullseye has been featured in Time, The New York Times, GQ and McSweeney’s, which called it “the kind of show people listen to in a more perfect world.” Since April 2013, the show has been distributed by NPR.
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