Transcript
jesse thorn
Hey all, it’s Jesse. As 2020 draws to a close, think about what you’re thankful for, other than—I’m willing to bet—2020 drawing to a close. What got you through the year? Odds are, if you’re hearing my voice, public radio was one of the things. Public radio gave you accurate, dependable news about the election on the pandemic, information about local stories that matter to you. You got fun and fascinating interviews from shows like Bullseye. If you wanna show your gratitude at the end of this year, consider supporting your local public radio station. Public radio stations really need your help right now, more than ever. And it’s really easy to do! Just go to Donate.NPR.org/bullseye and give whatever you can. And thanks.
music
Gentle, trilling music with a steady drumbeat plays under the dialogue.
promo
Speaker: Bullseye with Jesse Thorn is a production of MaximumFun.org and is distributed by NPR. [Music fades out.]
music
“Huddle Formation” from the album Thunder, Lightning, Strike by The Go! Team.
jesse
I’m Jesse Thorn. This week, we’re doing something a little different. Actually, something very different. We’re celebrating the end of the year by bringing you this year’s very best in standup comedy. Sit back, relax, get ready to laugh. We’ve made it through 2020 and you’ve earned it! You’re gonna hear comedy from Dwayne Kennedy, Eliza Skinner, Andy Kindler, Aisha Alfa. So many more! It’s all coming up on the Bullseye End of Year Comedy Special. [Music ends in a chorus of cheers.]
music
Relaxed, jazzy music.
jesse
It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. First up on our best comedy of 2020 special: Chanel Ali. Chanel is from Philadelphia originally—lives, now, in New York. She’s appeared on MTV’s Girl Code and hosts a Food Network series, called Food Debate. This track comes from her debut record which also might win the award for best album title of 2020. It’s called Chanel No. 1, like the perfume. Let’s listen.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
Chanel Ali: And now I’m in New York. I’ve been in New York about four years. I’m originally from Philly. Make some noise if you’ve been to Philly. [Scattered, enthusiastic cheers and applause from the audience.] Chanel: Yes. Good to hear! A lot of people ask me why I made the jump up from Philly. I always tell them it’s ‘cause I realized comedy is hard. But you know what I should try? Poverty. [The audience laughs and continues to laugh at regular intervals as Chanel speaks.] Chanel: I think I need to challenge myself! See how bad I want this! Let me try paying twice the rent! See if that motivates me. It has! I rob people now. It’s dimly lit, in the back. I’ve robbed a few of y’all already. I feel nothing! That’s just how New York City makes you, you know? You gotta take those wins when you can. I don’t wanna brag. I’m feeling very fancy tonight and not just because you all paid to see me, but also because I took an Uber Black here. [The audience hoots and claps.] Chanel: Okaaaaay! So, you knooooow I did not pay for that [censored]. Not meee! Ladies! Little life hack from me to you: if a man hands you his phone and offers to call you an Uber? Treat yourself. Treat yourseeeelf! We’ve been walking for a while, don’t you think? It’s about time. I live in Brooklyn, in New York City. I take the train or the bus mostly, but every single time I get into an Uber, I’m always like how does this driver not know that he’s my boyfriend? [Flirtatiously.] I mean, you’re picking me up from my house! Now you’re taking me to my comedy show. You just asked me how my day is going. You care about me. Come on, come on now! Don’t front like we don’t go together! Kevin. If you come pick me up after the show, bring snacksss. I moved up from Philly. Now, I live in Brooklyn with three male roommates. So, you guessed it. It is… terrible. It’s nasty on some days. It’s very difficult to rent a room in New York City as a young woman, my god. Every Craigslist ad sounds like it was written by a hipster or Christian Bale in American Psycho. Just lists of unreasonable demands! “Hello! Welcome to my Craigslist post. A little about me: I’m gonna do 1000 pushups a day, in the common area. I don’t allow any carbohydrates in my household. I’d prefer it if my roommate was dead. I got so desperate, so fired up, I wrote that guy back! I was like, “Well, is it 420 friendly or not, sir? I got a lot of places to look at!”
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Chanel Ali from her debut album, Chanel No. 1. You can follow her on Twitter @Chanel__Ali. Now, from a relatively new comic, we go to a veteran: Kyle Kinane. Kyle’s been a guest on Bullseye a few times over the years. He’s toured a bunch, appeared on shows like Love and Drunk History. This year, he released his fifth album: Trampoline in a Ditch. It’s his usual brand of comedy, self-deprecating, a little weird, and always very funny.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
[The audience laughs at regular intervals as Kyle speaks.] Kyle Kinane: I was traveling with the missus over the holidays and kind of took a few months off of comedy and I was out with the missus. We went to Europe. And I—like, I love traveling. I think it’s, you know, a great way to crack your mind open, see how it is in other cultures. I’m not good at it and—like, not that I’m, like—I can get on a plane and sit there. But I’m not a good representative of America, when I travel. ‘Cause I still—as much as I wanna think I’m cultured, I get to some place and then I always [censored] something up. We went to Spain! And, like, Spain’s amazing! The gothic quarter and the architecture! And I watched a woman—she was walking her dog and her dog did something and she started to yell at her dog in Spanish, and my first thought was, “Dogs don’t know Spanish.” Like, “Come on, lady! Look at your dogs! Dogs know English! That’s what dogs speak. Dogs speak English, ya dumb Spanish lady. Come on. You got a cat? A cat might be a little more continental.” I could see a cat swiping through some Duolingo lessons, being curious about it. Cats are curious and they might wanna learn another language. Dog? [Mumbling.] Dog. You get more sensitive—realize that—like, you don’t know—you don’t know how you’re gonna develop as a—as a human being. Like, you don’t know what’s gonna come. ‘Cause like, I’ll still watch, like, skate videos online ‘cause I still am impressed by that. But now when I watch any skateboard videos, I get sad when the security guard shows up to kick them out of the spot, ‘cause I know that they’re gonna be mean to him. And that doesn’t touchdown for everybody in here, but… there’s enough 40-year-old dudes wearing Vans going, “Yeah, we were real jerks to those guys. And they were just doing their job.” I’m not the only one of my generation that feels that way, that has some remorse. I did, I—ten years ago, I watch a video and I’d just be like, [yelling] “[Censored] yeah! Toby, you got this! Nala heelflip that turnstile! You’re gonna get that shoe sponsorship and you’re gonna go pro and I can feel it! That’s what’s gonna happen! And you’re gonna [censored] this narc! He doesn’t know about dreams! He probably never even had dreams! This guy was born old! Look at him. He’s all Benjamin Button [censored] looking [censored]. Hit him with your skateboard when you’re done, ‘cause you’re gonna have good lawyer money after this. You’re gonna be rich and you’re gonna have the kind of lawyer money to get you off, so assault this guy right now.” And I’ll watch that same video now, I’m like, “Toby, you got no natural ability. Alright? You’re—it’s taken you a hundred times instead of ten times to pull it off. You have persistence and I’ll give you that, but you got no natural skillset and you’re landing all wrong. You’re landing—your knees—you’re gonna wanna save those knees, ‘cause you’re gonna wanna golf when you get to your 40s. I know—I know that sounds real weird. I know that sounds real weird, but trust me, man. That’s where we all wind up. Alright? You can still burn one, drink some beers, but you wanna be able to walk through them lengths, you don’t wanna be an old [censored] in the cart. So, save your knees. Focus on your strengths. You’re a great artist. Maybe they’ll let you design the bottom of the skateboards, but this isn’t where it’s gonna come for you, alright? Also, this guy’s a retiree, alright? He’s got no pension ‘cause the plant closed down and left him with nothing. He’s making minimum wage, just trying to keep his model train dream alive and you’re being an [censored] right now. That’s the truth of the situation. This guy’s a veteran and you’re being disrespectful. That’s what happening right now.” ‘Cause I empathize with the model train guys more than I empathize with the skateboarding youths, and I didn’t know that was gonna happen! You don’t know. You go to bed GGL and you wake up Jimmy Buffett. You don’t know! You don’t know! You don’t know how life’s gonna turn out. So, stop acting like you do and embrace the change!
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Kyle Kinane, from his album Trampoline in a Ditch.
music
Cheerful synth-heavy music.
jesse
It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. Next up, Samantha Ruddy. Samantha’s based in New York, where she works on the TV show Full Frontal with Samantha Bee. She’s appeared on the Late Show and has written for the very funny website, Reductress, as well. 2020 saw Samantha release her debut standup album. It’s called Logging Out. Here’s a bit from it.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
[The audience laughs at regular intervals as Samantha speaks.] Samantha Ruddy: I just got healthcare. I’m very excited about it. It’s very nice. I realized that people were upset about a lot of things about healthcare, but I didn’t realize people were upset about such miniscule things. Like some people are mad that healthcare covers birth control. I just think that’s so nuts. ‘Cause there’s so many reasons to be on birth control other than just wanting recreational sex. Like, I’m a lesbian, but I take birth control. ‘Cause I went to catholic school and I’m still not like 100% on where babies come from. Does anybody know if you can get pregnant from a fist bump? Alright, see me after. I did, I went to catholic school for 14 years. 12 years as a student, 2 years as an undercover cop in my 20s. I used to get in trouble for very dumb reasons. One time I got in trouble at school because I was making fun of substitute teachers and I was doing it to a substitute teacher’s face. And she called my mom, but I gave her a fake phone number. So, when she hung up she was like, “That wasn’t even your mom. That was just some random woman with no idea what’s going on.” I was like, “Yeah, I know. That was my substitute mom.” I'm trying to dress better. I never know what's appropriate to wear anywhere. The other day, I was wearing a shirt that had the 'f' word on it and a mom came up to me and she was like, “You should take that shirt off because I don’t wanna have to explain to my son what that word means.” And I was like, “[Laughing.] Lady, if I take this shirt off, you’re gonna have to explain a lot more than the ‘f’ word. I’m not trying to make the evening news.” I’m a little frustrated with the news right now. ‘Cause I feel like the news is very passive aggressive toward Millennials. I’ve seen a lot of articles that are like, [petulantly] “Why aren’t Millennials buy houses?” Or “How come Millennials aren’t getting married?” Who’s writing the New York Times, my mom?! I feel like I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and all the articles are just gonna be like, “It’d be nice if the Millennials gave us some grandchildren! Maybe it’s time the Millennials got on their own phone plan!” But I thought we were a family?! That was the plan! When I was in college, I was a huge partier. We just used to get trashed on our front porch every night until one morning my next-door neighbor came up to me and she was like, “Hey, my newborn baby doesn’t appreciate you partying on your front lawn every night.” And I was like, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry that you have such a lame baby. Has your baby always been a narc?! ‘Cause he’s bald he looks like a cop. So.” I can’t party like I used to. I really can’t. Last night, I threw up, but I only had three drinks… after that.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Samantha Ruddy from her debut standup album, Logging Out. One more comedian before we take a break: Alex Edelman. Alex is a New York comic as well as a TV writer. His debut album, Until Now, came out earlier this year. Even though live standup is his stock and trade, Alex has been keeping busy. Back in April, he was the head writer for Saturday Night Seder, a star-studded, entirely remote Passover event that raised over $3,000,000 in pandemic relief. He is also, as you are about to hear, an inveterate eavesdropper.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
Alex Edelman: I was involved in a breakup recently. [Someone in the audience “aw”s sadly.] Alex: No, no, no. It wasn’t my breakup. [The audience laughs and continues to laugh at regular intervals as Alex speaks.] Alex: Don’t feel bad. It wasn’t my breakup. I was at Starbucks and there was a couple sitting behind me and I got involved in the breakup. I was sitting there reading a book. I was sitting there reading a book called For the Relief of Unbearable Urges, which is a really great book but it’s not better than hearing someone go, [yelling angrily] “Give me one good reason we shouldn’t go out anymore, Michelle!” And I was like, “This can close.” And the whole Starbucks was like, [curiously] “Is this a public breakup? We’ve heard the legends, but like is this happening right nooow?” And my first thought—I’m embarrassed to say this, but my first thought was like, “Who breaks up in person anymore?” [Laughter and scattered sad “aw”s from the crowd.] Alex: Right?! You stop texting, they go away eventually! But she was clearly the one doing the breaking up with, ‘cause he said, “Give me one good reason we shouldn’t go out anymore, Michelle!” And she misheard him. ‘Cause he said give me one good reason and she heard, [yelling] “Give me 35 reasons! In a row! In public! As loudly as possible!” And all of these reasons were variations on, “You’re not smart enough for me.” She should have just said that. She didn’t. She took a scenic route. He said, [angrily slurring] “Give me one good reason we shouldn’t go out anymore, Michelle!” And she was like, [hurriedly without pausing at all between sentences] “You’re not smart enough for me. You’re not well educated enough for me. You’re not mature enough for me. You’re not mature enough for me—you’re not emotionally mature enough for me. Your taste in music is bad. Your taste in food is, like, very, very, very basic. Your clothing is like, ‘Look at you.’ I can’t remember the last time you picked up like a book or a magazine of your own accord. You’re not intellectually curious. Your vocabulary isn’t as extensive as I would like. And you’re not very erudite.” [Sounds of disgust and laughter from the audience.]
clip
Alex: And you can see the whole Starbucks be like, “He said one reasooon!” And you could see the poor guy like wanting to argue with her and be like, [petulantly] “I am smart enough for you!” But you could also see him thinking, like, “What does erudite mean?” And this is where I stepped in. She said, “Hey, Kev? We should just be friends.” [Beat.] That is a terrible start to a friendship. No good friendships start that way. No friendships start with someone going, “Hey! I don’t wanna sleep with you ever again! Also, here’s a laundry list of reasons, in public, that I think, like, you’re one of the dumbest people I’ve ever met. Also! We should hang out sometime.” So, I turned around in a crowded Starbucks and I went, [intensely] “Uuuh! He has enough friends!” [The audience goes wild.] Alex: And you could see the whole Starbucks stop live-tweeting the breakup and they’re like, “What’s happening noooow?!” And the guy sold me out immediately. He went, “Michelle… he’s not with me.” And I was so caught up in the moment that I was like, [screaming] “Kev! I’m with you all the way, buddy!” And she still broke up with usss.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Alex Edelman, from his debut standup album, Until Now. We’re just getting started with the Bullseye End of Year Standup Special. Still to come: Atsuko Okatsuka, Dwayne Kennedy, Rob Delaney, and many more. Stay with us. It’s Bullseye, from MaximumFun.org and NPR.
promo
Music: Peaceful music. Speaker: 2020 had a lot of us rethinking our lives. 2021? Life Kit wants to help you make those changes, whether they’re big or small. All this January, Life Kit will give you smart tip to think through your next decision. Listen now to the Life Kit podcast from NPR. [Music fades out.]
promo
Music: Upbeat, cheerful music. Dave Hill: Hi, it’s me, Dave Hill—from before—here to tell you about my brand-new show on Maximum Fun, The Dave Hill Goodtime Hour, which combines my old Maximum Fun show—Dave Hill’s Podcasting Incident—with my old radio show—The [Censored] Damn Hill Show—into one new futuristic program from the future. If you like delightful conversation with incredible guests, technical difficulties, and actual phone calls from real life listeners, you’ve just hit a street called Easy. I’m also joined by my incredible cohost, the boy criminal Chris Gersbeck. Say hi, Chris. Chris Gersbeck: Hey, Dave. It’s really great to— Dave: [Interrupting.] That’s enough, Chris. And New Jersey chicken rancher, Dez. Say hi, Dez. Dez: Hey, Dave! [A chicken bawks.] Dave: The Dave Hill Goodtime Hour—brand-new episodes every Friday on Maximum Fun. Chris: Plus, the show’s not even an hour. It’s 90 minutes. Dez: Take that, stupid rules. Dave: We nailed it! [Music ends in a drumroll.]
jesse
Welcome back to Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. It’s a proud annual tradition, here at Bullseye: our End of Year Standup Special, where we compile 2020’s best standup records. And even for a year as rough as this one was, I’ll tell you, friends, there are some great comedy records. Next up, Dante Powell—in a bit from his debut album, The Squirrels Get Fat. Dante’s a standup originally from Bernice, Louisiana. These days, he’s based in Des Moines, Iowa. He’s been there for nearly a decade and there are still things that surprise him about the Midwest after leaving the deep South.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
[The audience laughs at regular intervals as Dante speaks.] Dante Powell: Sometimes you guys don’t even know how good you have it, and it pisses me off. Sometimes fall just doesn’t stop. Guys, do you know how crazy that is to me?! Fall just keeps—winter is coming, fall is like, “Back up, G, I got this. You just—I know it’s December and January. Imma keep it at 50. Don’t you touch that [censored] thermostat. I got it. You just relax. And then, when fall sticks around later into the year, my favorite thing in the world happens. It’s a phenomenon I was not prepared for when I got here, but it has become just the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. The squirrels get fat! Uh, you guys—you guys honest to god take that for granted. Like, I tell that joke and I leave a little space there ‘cause I expect a standing ovation every time I say that squirrels get fat, but you guys just don’t care. You’re so used to it; it doesn’t affect you the way affects me! Like, I saw a squirrel so fat, last year, it had to back down a tree. God, do you know how hard you gotta be going on squirrel snacks before instinct and Mother Nature is like, “Woah, woah, woah, woah. Wait, wait—wait, wait a sec, squirrel. Hold on real quick. Before you go down that three, maybe, uh, all the blood it takes to operate that husky squirrel body is too much to have go rushing to your little bitty squirrel head all at one time and we need to readjust the way you’ve been going down trees.” You guys still don’t seem to be on board with these squirrels like I want you to be. Alright, let me—let me try something here. Uh, guys. I’m gonna just open up. I’m gonna share my heart with you. I moved to Iowa six years ago for a girl I was madly in love with. And she dumped me as soon as I got here. [The audience reacts sadly.] And I don’t give a [censored] at all. Because I never connected with her the way I connected with that fat [censored] squirrel when I saw him flip around and twerk his fat squirrel [censored] down the tree. I was like, “Daaamn, squirrel! I think that’s what spirit animal means!”
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Dante Powell, from his debut album The Squirrels Get Fat. You can also check out what he’s up to on Twitter @DantePowell.
music
Thumpy upbeat music.
jesse
It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. Atsuko Okatsuka is an LA comedian. She’s performed all over the country. She hosts a really fun gameshow podcast called Let’s Go Atsuko. She also carries the rare distinction of having done a standup set during an earthquake. There’s video of it. She walks onto the stage at the Ice House, in Pasadena, and a few minutes later the earth starts shaking and Atsuko helps keep everybody calm while the earthquake passes. It is an incredible thing to see. Anyway. She’s even funnier when the earth isn’t shaking. Her latest record is called But I Control Me. Here’s a little bit from it.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
[The audience laughs at regular intervals as Atsuko speaks.] Atsuko Okatsuka: Thank you. I just recently found this out: apparently, there is another Atsuko who lives in my neighborhood. Yeah! No, I just found out. Yeah. Yeah. We’ve never met, but I guess we frequent the same fitness studio. [Chuckles.] Yeah, like we’re both in the system. And I found out ‘cause the receptionist was like, “Hey! You know there’s another Atsuko who lives in the neighborhood. She comes here too.” And I was like, “Oh. Okay. Well. She… sounds lovely.” You know? There’s nothing more I can say. Um… But some of my friends were like, “There’s another Atsuko in your neighborhood?! Oh my god, Atsuko, what if she starts doing standup too?! You know? What if she starts doing standup too?” And I was like, “Well, then I guess I’ll finally know how Matts feel and how Brians feel. And how Johns feel. And how Bills used to feel.” You know? It’s fine! It’s fine! Are you kidding me? I’d be super stoked if another Atsuko started doing standup. Then, finally, the onus wouldn’t just be on me to be a funny Atsuko. Like, we would share that burden together. We would—it would be our struggle. You know what I mean? Yeah! No. And I can now sleep better at night, too, knowing that there’s another person out there teaching people how to pronounce our names. [The audience cheers and whistles.] Atsuko: It’s exciting! You know what I mean? It’s exciting. It is! But then there’s always that friend that has to take it to 100. You know? There’s a friend that just—she couldn’t take it, one of my friends. She was like, “Oh, [censored].” She was like, “Another Atsuko? In your neighborhood? Another Atsuko? [Censored]. You know what you need to do? You need to kill her.” I’m thinking, “What?! I’m not—no, I don’t! Why?! Why? Because I couldn’t fathom the fact that both of our parents had the same idea for a name decades ago?” Like, that’s crazy! I need to kill her? Plus, that would take—it would take a lot of work for me to even get to that mental space. ‘Cause I’m not even mad right now. You know what I mean? I’d have to, like, create enough rage in me—I’d have to convince myself, like, [angrily] “Oh no, not another Atsuko. You’re not—” I’d have to create enough rage in me—so much anger—enough so that I could come up with a plan. You know? And then execute the plan without getting caught. It’s a lot of work! It would take a lot of work. You know. Murder. And I’ve heard that, about—I’ve heard that kind of thing. You know. That kind of sentiment. Especially of unique names. Like, “Oh no, not another Candy.” You know. “Not in my office. Not in the same office I work at. Not another Candy! You know. I need to kill her!” You know. That’s crazy. That’s crazy. No. Like, if you [laughs]—if you meet another Candy, okay? This is what you should do. You should—you should band together and confront both of your parents about why they named you that. It’s now teamwork. You know? It’s now teamwork. That’s crazy. That’s crazy, like, territorial about your name? That’s crazy. Like, my identity isn’t in my name. No. It’s in my bangs. Obviously. You know what I mean? Right here! You know? And you’re like, “Woah, Atsuko, now that you mention it, like, you do have such fierce bangs.” I know!
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Atsuko Okatsuka from her album But I Control Me. Her podcast, which is very fun, is called Let’s Go Atsuko.
music
Thumpy music with light vocalizations.
jesse
It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. Next up, Orlando Leyba. Orlando has performed on HBO Latino’s ongoing standup series, Entre Nos, and he appears regularly on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Here’s a little bit from his album, Adorable.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
[The audience laughs at regular intervals as Orlando speaks.] Orlando Leyba: Here’s the ultimate, “I’m soft.” You know? All the guys, imma lose them here right now. Sports. Not that into sports, anymore. [Scattered boos and applause.] Orlando: Alright, some of you are with me. I got you. I’m glad you’re with me. All three of us can go and hang out at Panera Bread. We can form a support group. “Ugh, we don’t like sports!” Sports. Total accident, though, how I gave up on sports. Like, before it was, “Oh, you’re not a Dolphin fan? You don’t exist!” I used to be that guy. Right? But I was watching the Superbowl two years ago. I’m watching the Superbowl. I’m having the time of my life. “Go!” Right? But by accident, I hit previous channel on the remote. It jumped to a whole ‘nother channel, right? And that’s when I discovered this HGTV. [The audience applauds.] Orlando: Yo, anybody else seen this delightful network?! [Loud cheers from the audience.] Orlando: What a delightful network that is! I missed the whole Superbowl ‘cause I got caught up in a marathon of Property Brothers, Flip or Flop, House Hunters! I was—I was yelling at the TV like it was a football game! [Shouting.] “Get the marble counters! Not those cabinets! That’s not gonna add property value! What are we doing!? What are we doooing?! Pick number two! It has a finished basement!” I’m throwing stuff. Whew. I’m passionate about it. Then they hit me with their crown jewel. You seen their crown jewel on HGTV? This Fixer Upper show? [Cheers from the audience.] Orlando: Some of the women just had orgasms. You seen this Fixer Upper show? With Joanna and Chip in Waco, Texas? First of all, you could buy a house for five dollars in Waco, Texas, according to Joanna and Chip. Right? Joanna’s exotic looking. You don’t know what she is, right? They have little mixed babies, which is beautiful. There’s always a goat having a baby in the farm. [Excitedly.] “Babe! The goat is having a baby!” They have a farm, Magnolia Farms, right? And who’s the leader of the pack? Chip Gaines, which is this funny white guy that can fix anything. I swear to god, he makes me giggle every episode. Every episode! [Giggles.] Get off that tree, Chip! You’re gonna break something!
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Orlando Leyba. His album, Adorable, is out now. You can also stream of a version of his set on HBO Max. He did an interview with Uproxx a while back where he talks more about HGTV and his love of Drew Carey. He’s on Twitter @HeyLando.
music
Upbeat, thumpy music.
jesse
It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. Dwayne Kennedy is one of my favorite standup comics working these days. He’s based in Chicago. He’s written for the CNN show United Shades of America, for Arsenio, Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell, and many more. But if you haven’t heard of him, Dwayne understands. He actually called his latest record Who the Hell is Dwayne Kennedy? and let me tell you. Give it a listen, you’re in for a treat.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
[The audience laughs at regular intervals as Dwyane speaks.] Dwayne Kennedy: Anybody got cats? [Sheepish, scattered cheering.] Dwyane: I knew I’d get something from the bride party over there. “Cats?! Now you’re talking! Finally, some hard-hitting [censored]. Man, wake up, he’s about to talk about cats!” [Chuckles.] I had a cat, well, I—‘cause again, with the—with the—with the vermin problem, I got a cat. Yeah, to take care of the mice. And I realized I was better off with the mice, ‘cause I didn’t realize—I didn’t know cats were so destructive. Right? They’re destructive, man. This cat—it was—it was breaking dishes, broke my phone, they was writing bad checks! And cats are literally—are insane. Right? They’re insane. I didn’t know that! If you ever see a cat, they’ll be—promise they’ll be just—one moment they’ll be chilling. Just, you know, just chilling. And then they’ll just—they’ll just stop and look. Like they’re getting transmission signals from Mars! What?! Jump up and run for no apparent reason! Alright! And then they’ll stop and look at you like, “Did you see what I just did?! Am I out of my [censored] mind?!” I understand now why they don’t have seeing eye cats. ‘Cause you could wind up anyplace. “But—wha—what—wha—woah?!” Have to call somebody to come get, “Hey, can you come and get me, please? Uh, no, my seeing eye cat was supposed to be taking me to the grocery store, but uh—Caroline went off and I think I’m under a porch.”
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Dwayne Kennedy, the pride of Chicago. His album is called Who the Hell is Dwayne Kennedy?. It’s hilarious. Dwayne is one of the best in the business. Go buy it. Next up on the Bullseye End of Year Standup Special, Rob Delaney. Rob is the cocreator and costar of the sitcom Catastrophe, one of my favorite shows. He’s also had a number of film parts, including a small but very funny and memorable roll as Peter in Deadpool 2, according to our associate producer, Jesus. I missed that one. But if you know Rob for anything, it’s probably his tweets. He is a genuine Twitter phenomenon. He’s also one of our favorites, here at Bullseye. When he joined us a few years back for an interview, he revealed the incredible biography behind a man that some people just know as the comedian that Twitter made. He published and tested his material at a time when most comedians were hesitant about posting their jokes on the platform. His following has only grown over the years. It’s easy to see why. He has a new comedy special. It’s called Jackie. The title of the album comes from the name of his beloved pet. As you’re about to hear, Jackie is incredibly unique and very special to him.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
[The audience laughs at regular intervals as Rob speaks.] Rob Delaney: So, listen. I, uh—I hope you can’t tell by looking at me, but I own a bearded dragon. Okay? I didn’t want one. I feel like a beard—that’s one of those pets, like a [censored] cockatiel that you use to, like, express your wacky personality. Like, I feel like a bearded dragon should belong to, like, a Swiss electronic music DJ who’s like, [in a cartoonish Scandinavian accent] “Mmm, after I drop all my beats I go home and play with my bearded dragon!” Like, ugh! Anyway. I didn’t want one. And so, my kids found out that those existed, and they said, “Daddy, can we get a bearded dragon?” And I was like, “No. Under no circumstances.” And, uh, [laughs] then, I don’t know. I was out for weekend gambling or something and I came home, and my wife had bought them a bearded dragon. And I was like, “Why did you do that?” And she’s like, “Let me tell you about what buying the bearded dragon was like.” And she’s like, “Okay, so you get a guy. First of all, he’s like, ‘Alright. You gotta keep it hot all the time, okay? ‘Cause they’re coldblooded. If it gets cold, it’ll die. Okay? So, you need three different types of heat lamp. You need a heat pad that goes under its woodchips. Right? You keep it hot or it dies.’” And then—okay, do you guys happen to know—does anybody know what bearded dragons eat? Locusts! From the Bible! Okay? I thought that we had eradicated those. And by the way, you know locusts, they’re not even the first plague from the Bible. The first one is like, “Yeah! I stubbed my toe.” But then they’re the [censored] ninth plague! They’re the one right before the angel of death kills your firstborn. So, literally god was like, “What’s almost as bad as having the devil kill your baby? Oh, a locust!” And so, anyway. But the guy’s like, “You gotta feed it locusts all the time. Okay? If you’re not feeding it locusts, ask yourself, ‘Why am I not feeding it a locust?’ Okay? You should be using one locust to push another locust into its maw. Like, you should [censored] get like—you need to be covered in sheets of sweat as you stick locusts into every hole, or it will die.” So, I’m like, “[Censored].” So, I tell the kids. I’m like, “Are you up for this?!” And they’re like, “Yeah, Daddy, we can do it.” And they did! They—honestly, they were great for about 23 hours. And then—then they forgot they had a bearded dragon and it fell to me to take care of her. And I’m not ashamed to admit that I fell in love with her very thoroughly and very quickly and her name is Jackie and—I mean, we had—god, did we have a good thing. And—seriously, I mean, it’s… [dreamily] Jackie. Anyway. We’d had her for a while and then one day the boys left the door to her vivarium open and they also left the backdoor to the house open. And so, we all came home one day, and Jackie was nowhere to be found. And we’re all very upset. And so, we’re tearing the house apart. I’m like cutting into cushions like I’m looking for cocaine. I mean, it’s—we’re turning the house upside-down to find her, but we cannot find her. And so, I’m very, very upset. Spending a lot of time in the fetal position. And after a few days, uh, the boys came to me and they were like, “Daddy, do you think she’s okay?”
clip
Rob: And I said, “No. No, I think what happened is when she first saw that the door was open she probably got excited. You know? She probably leapt out in your room and played with some Lego and your little football cards and stuff and that was nice. And then maybe she heard like a [imitates distant bird caw] and was like, ‘Oh, what’s that? Is that a bird?’ And then went and look and was like, ‘Oh my god! The door to the world’s open!’ And then, like, went out there. You know. And that’s probably when things started to go south. I’m gonna guess at that point—you know—she’s getting colder quickly. So, confusion begins to set in. Okay. Not long after that, ice crystals begin to form in her blood, cutting her apart from the inside. And then soon after that, I’m gonna guess that she probably died in a great deal of pain and went to Hell because of a series of choices that you made!” And they were like, “Oh, okay, cool.” And they went to play football. I mean, I was losing it. I was inconsolable. I didn’t know what to do. It was terrible. And then, you know, the hands on the clock spun ‘round and around and the pages on the calendar and all this and so time passes. And then a [censored] month passes. And so, I’m starting to be able to, like, participate in life again. I’m experimenting with trusting people again and stuff like that. And then my doorbell rings and it’s my neighbor, who I [censored] hate. And I hate him ‘cause he’s been doing construction for four years. Okay? And it’s not like—you know how you—if you have a big construction place near where you work and it’s just a wash of noise you kind of get used to it. This guy’s been doing [censored] staccato, atonal, John Cage—like, it’s—you can’t figure it out! So, it’ll be like, [makes rapid jackhammer noises only to come to a sudden stop and a short silence.] BANG! And you’re like, “Jesus!” Like, my nerves are destroyed from this and I can’t [censored] stand him. Anyway. Rings the doorbell and I open it and he’s like, “Oh, hello.” And I’m like, “Yeah?”
clip
Rob: And he goes, [with a transatlantic accent] “Do you by any chance have a package for me?” ‘Cause in this godforsaken country, if you get a package and you’re not home, they give it to your neighbor and then they give you a little note saying, “Guess what? You get to make a new friend!” And so, you get to know this person that you’ve been avoiding studiously for years. And so, anyway. So, I was like, “Yeah, here’s your package.” And then he goes, “Oh, and by the way, you aren’t missing a lizard by any chance are you?” And I was like [bursts in to tears and wails], “Oooh, do you have her little body?!” And he’s like, “Oh, no, she’s quite fine. She’s in my back garden.” And so, I like pushed him to the wall and ran out and then ran through his house and into the back garden and Jackie was like, [gutturally] “What’s up, [censored]?” And it’s freezing out! There’s no locusts anywhere! And she’s like, “Uuuuh, sorry!” And I was like, [voice shaking with emotion] “Oh, I can’t stay mad at yooou!” And I unbuttoned my shirt and pressed her against my breast to feel my paternal heartbeat. And I’m crying and it’s [censored] washing the dust off of her. I go into the house and I get some blueberries out of the fridge and I just chew them up and then I mlem-mlem-mmmmm, cunniling them into her cute little mouth. “Mmmm, my sweet Jackie girl, I love you.” I do! I love her. Honestly, like, I’m having a great time with you guys tonight, but I seriously can’t wait to go home and just put her—put her on my heaving chest and sing her to sleep. I love her! [Laughs.] Jackie… Jackie…
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Rob Delaney. Jackie is the name of his new album. It’s out now. His wonderful, wonderful television show with Sharon Horgan is called Catastrophe. You can find it on Amazon Prime. Even more with Bullseye still to come. Eliza Skinner, Andy Kindler, and Brandon Ash-Mohammed. Stay with us. It’s Bullseye, from MaximumFun.org and NPR.
promo
Music: Tense sci-fi music. [Announcer narrates in voiceover intercut with dialogue from the show. Dialogue is slightly fuzzy, as if being heard through a speaker.] Announcer: Strange planets, curious technology, and a fantastic vision of the distant future. Featuring Martin Starr. Martin Starr: So, we're going on day 14. Shuttle still hasn't come. Announcer: Aparna Nancherla. Aparna Nancherla: [Cheerful and electronic] The security system provides you with emotional security! You do the rest! Announcer: Echo Kellum. Echo Kellum: Can you disconnect me, or not? Announcer: Hari Kondabolu. Hari Kondabolu: I'm staying. Announcer: From Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Geoffrey McGivern. Geoffrey McGivern: Could you play Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun"? Announcer: It's The Outer Reach: Stories from Beyond. Announcer 2: Now available for free at MaximumFun.org, or anywhere you listen. [Music fades out.]
jesse
Hey, all. Jesse here again with a reminder: we’re getting to the end of the year. Now is a great time to support shows like Bullseye by supporting your local public radio station. They do so much for you and they’re only asking for a little in return. Give what you can and do it now. Go to Donate.NPR.org/bullseye. And thanks.
promo
Music: Cheerful music. Speaker: At Planet Money, we are also grappling with what’s going on in the world. Emily Oster: We just don’t know and you’re still gonna have to decide. Speaker: So, we call up economists like Emily Oster. Jacob Goldstein: It’s like we’re fighting the pandemic by having a bake sale or something. I mean, all do respect to bake sales. Emily: [Laughing.] Exactly. Speaker: Listen and subscribe to Planet Money from NPR. [Music ends.]
jesse
Welcome back to Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. We’re about 2/3rds of the way into our annual best comedy of the year special where we play highlights from some of 2020s best standup albums. Next up, we’ve got Aisha Alfa. Aisha lives in Los Angeles, grew up in Canada, and was born in Nigeria. She also acted on Degrassi: The Next Generation, so that’s two things she has in common with fellow Canadian superstar Drake. Aisha’s debut album is called All the Parts and it’s got a really sweet, funny story about how her parents met.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
[The audience laughs at regular intervals as Aisha speaks.] Aisha Alfa: But I think it’s amazing. And like, my parents, like, they did suffer a lot of racism. My mom grew up in a small farming community in Canada with 190 people. She went to the big city and she met my father who was a man who had just come from Nigeria and, at 19, my mom met my father and six months later they got married. And they’re still married to this day. [The audience cheers and claps.] Aisha: Isn’t that amazing?! Phenomenal. So, I was like, “I wanna know what this love story is.” I was like, “Mama, tell me what the story is. How did you guys meet?” She’s like, “Okay, well. It’s such a beautiful story. Um. I was at university. I didn’t know anybody, so I went down to the gymnasium by myself to practice badminton.” I was like, “What?” She’s like, “Yeah.” And I was like, “So, you went down to the gymnasium. You got a racket. You set up a net. You got a birdie. You hit it over. And then what? Did you just run around like, ‘Oh, good shot, Michelle!’—like pick it up every time?! What’s wrong—that’s like a cry for help more than anything else.” And she’s like, “No, no, no. And then your father walked up, and he was wearing short shorts and long socks and he had a big, girthy moustache. And, ummm, we played badminton and then the next day we met at the quad and then, you know, the rest is history.” I was like, “That’s beautiful.” And then a couple weeks ago, when I was home, she’s like—you know, had a couple glasses, bottles, of wine and, um, she goes, [slurring] “Do you wanna know the real story?” I was like, “Yes, I do, Michelle! Yes, I do!”
clip
Aisha: She’s was like, [slurring] “Okay. So, I was—you know, I was at university and I went down to the gymnasium to play badminton by myself.” I’m like, “Really? We’re not changing this part of the story?” We’re—we have a chance to change history and we’re keeping it? Okay. That’s on you, now. That’s on you. Uh. She’s like, “Nonononuhh, your dad, he came up and we played and the next day we were gonna meet at the quad, but we didn’t have cellphones and the Facebooks and all these things. I couldn’t, you know, take a picture of him. So, I went to the quad, but I couldn’t really remember what he looked like. I mean, I had never seen a Black man before. So, I went there, and I saw a good-looking Black man, so I took his hand and away I went.” And I was like, “WOAH. That’s horrible! Like, don’t ever tell Dad that story.” And he poked his head in and he was like, [in a Nigerian accent] “It’s okay, I was from Nigeria. I had never met a White woman. This one took my hand; I went with her.” You know, I was like… I think there’s still a White woman and a Black man back in the day that think that they were supposed to be my parents and think they good stood up and I got stuck with these racist idiots, instead.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Aisha Alfa, from her album All the Parts. Next up, friend of Maximum Fun, Eliza Skinner. She’s a fan favorite guest on my other podcast, _Jordan, Jesse, Go!—_always a delight when she joins us there. If you’re familiar with our podcast Bubble, you might know her as the voice of Annie on that fictional comedy show. She is one of the great musical improvisers in the world. An extraordinary freestyle rapper, and she’s come and visited us a few times at MaxFunCon. Needless to say, we are big fans of Eliza Skinner. Eliza just released her debut album, Regarding My Lovers. Let’s listen.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
[The audience laughs at regular intervals as Eliza speaks.] Eliza Skinner: Dog people. Dog people are weird, too. [Beat; a silence from the audience.] You guys took that pretty well. Usually that makes people upset. One time—one time a woman in the back of the room, when I said dog people are crazy, was like, [yelling in a strange, canned voice] “Noooo!” I like to imagine she’s still upset about it. And she’s like waking up in the middle of the night like, “It’s not true, is it?! Bella? Thorne? Gigi? Hadid? My fur babies? Mmm, mmm, [makes kissing noises].” They are. Dog people are crazy. I heard this lady—this lady called in to a radio station and she was like, “I’m the lady with the dog that says, ‘I love you’.” and the DJs were like [gutturally], “Alriiiight! Put him ooooon! Put him oooon!” It’s a pretty good DJ voice. And she was just like, “Okay! Sprinkles, come here. Say, ‘I love you.’ [Beat.] Say, ‘I love you.’ [Beat.] Say, ‘I love yooou.’” And you just hear [mimics a dog making three consecutive sounds twice]. And I was like, “Oh my god. That’s what that woman thinks, “I love you,” sounds like. That is so sad, right?! Doesn’t she have friends? Oh. I had a friend ask me recently, “How many cats do you own?” And I was like, “One.” And he was like, “Really? It seems like more. You should check.” And I go, “Oh, ‘cause I—‘cause I make fun of dog people?” ‘Cause I got one cat? One cat. That’s all it takes. One cat and you’re crazy cat lady. “Awww, you got a cat?! I bet you’re lonely. I bet you’re—I bet you’re sad ‘cause you own a cat and keep it alive! Betcha look under your sweater, there’s cats under there. You pick up a hat and it’s a cat. [Snickers.] You’re eating yogurt and you’re like some for me, some for the kitty. Some for me, some for the kitty. Mmm, one spoon. Hehe. Yeah-ha-ha-hahaaa.” People love making fun of cat ladies! I think it’s—I think it’s hack, but like you know what? Go ahead. Do it. Make fun of cat ladies, ‘cause you know who does not give a [censored] what you think of them? Cat ladies. Are you a cat? No? [Chuckles.] Yeah, I don’t give a [censored] what you think, then. I got treats in my pockets, so somebody always loves meee. And if I see a cat on the street, I have to stop and try to make friends with him even though—I mean, I got my own cat at home, but [chuckles], OPP, you know what I’m saying? Other people’s pets! Ha-haaa!
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Regarding My Lovers, by Eliza Skinner, is out now. It’s wonderful. Eliza also writes for television. She worked alongside my buddy, Jordan Morris, on the really funny space Muppet show, Earth to Ned. You can find it on Disney+. And watch it with your family. It’s family safe but actually really funny.
music
Upbeat, chiming music.
jesse
It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. They say Andy Kindler is a comedian’s comedian. That might be a little bit of a cliché, but a lot of Andy’s work is actually about comedy. He’ll point out the moral and professional failings of other comedians, he’ll make jokes about his career, about whether or not he was happy with the last joke he told, and is postmodern, chaotic, and very funny. Anyway. 2020 saw Andy Kindler drop a new album. It’s called Hence the Humor. It’s an instant classic. Love Andy Kindler. Here’s a little bit of it.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
[The audience laughs at regular intervals as Andy speaks.] Andy Kindler: Here’s me starting a joke. I just came back last weekend. I wanna tell you people that I not getting a lot of casting. I don’t get cast a lot because of this kind of acting. [Beat.] A casting director threatened to sue me for acting in bad faith! I wrote that joke at three, reading the Johnny Carson book. Alright, look. [Beat.] I just came back from the greatest experience of my life. I like the way that started. We have it clean. [Laughing.] I love that we’ve totally ruined something. That’s where I want the start on that joke! Back it up. Back it up. Take it again. You haven’t heard it! I just got back from the greatest experience of my—PERFECT! I liked that one even better. Perfect. Clean. Direct. The greatest experience of my life, I just came back from it last weekend. No, that was wrong. So, I had the greatest—and then what it was I—it was like I—it was lifechanging for me. I’ve—now I’ll never be the same. It was the most important event I’ve ever been a part of. It was a hyperbole convention. Joke’s over. Joke’s over. Joke’s over. Joke’s over! Joke’s over! Joke’s over! [Yelling.] It’s over! Oh, maaan. Oh, man am I—this is not your father’s standup act. This is not your father’s iPhone 5. Why do we hate our father’s so much that we have to distance ourselves? “This isn’t your grandmother’s spaghetti sauce.” My grandmother made great spaghetti sauce. “Forget about it! It’s not hers!” Goodbye Grandma’s spaghetti sauce, hello your spaghetti sauce! Ugh. Do you know—I believe it was the great philosopher Descartes who said, “I think, therefore am I right, ladies?” Thank you. I always wait seven, eight, nine seconds for that extra laugh to kick in. That’s what I do. My wife and I—my wife and I enjoy watching The Real Housewives of various areas. We like that and we like contest shows. We like more contest shows. We—I love it. We gotta have The Voice. We have Secret Sauce, The X Factor. We got the thing with the voice where you turn around in a chair. We have another show where you’re in a different city and someone tells you about the singer and then you gotta decide that that’s the one. “Is it Sizzle or is it Steak? Judges? What do you say? It’s Sizzleee! Tonight, on You Got It, Kid! Judges? You Got It, Kid!” “Tonight, on Does He Have Oomph?” “He doesn’t have oomph.” “I say he has oomph!” “He! Has! Oomph!” America’s Got Talent—how do you judge America’s Got—I saw on America’s Got Talent a guy who, uh, makes this, uh, thing with his hands. You can’t see that. Goes up against a woman who’s juggling two jobs.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Andy Kindler from his terrific 2020 album Hence the Humor. Andy also hosts a podcast called Thought Spiral with J Elvis Weinstein and another great standup. Go give that a listen and if you—man, if you get the chance to see Andy Kindler live at your local comedy club, when all this madness is done, oh, I insist that you do. It is one of the most fun things you could possibly do. Or! You might just be befuddled by the entire thing. That’s also a possible reaction. But I think you’ll like it.
music
Thumpy guitar music.
jesse
It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. Next up, Michelle Biloon. Michelle lives in Philadelphia. On the road, she’s opened for huge names like Maria Bamford and Patton Oswald. She’s also appeared on many, many popular comedy podcasts, including Two Dope Queens, Comedy Bang! Bang!, and Doug Loves Movies. She’s really funny, even when she’s talking about very serious, scary stuff. Like in this segment from her sophomore album, Permanent Hat.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
[The audience laughs at regular intervals as Michelle speaks.] Michelle Biloon: Um, I have—I’ve been getting in shape. I’m getting in shape and I’ve been doing lots of things. I’ve been meditating, going to therapy. [An audience member cheers.] Michelle: I’m trying to get my [censored] together. Trying to get my [censored] together, because—get ready for this, you’ll really cheer—I’m trying to get my [censored] together ‘cause I wanna control my health where I can, because two years ago I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, everybody. Multiple—all of them scleroses. [Sad sounds from the audience.] Michelle: It’s a party! Air horn, air horn, air hoooorn! I’ve got it! You don’t. Maybe you do. Let’s… don’t wanna call you out if you’re MS on the DL. I blast it from the rooftops. It’s difficult. When I had it, everyone was very—when I—when I—when I got diagnosed, everyone was very supportive and they said lots of nice things, but I am very nitpicky about anything anybody says to me. And some people said some dad [censored] and there were some people that would say stuff like, “Michelle. Michelle, you’re so tough. You’re so tough. You’re gonna beat this.” I’m like, “Uuuh, MS is incurable. Can we set a lower bar, perhaps? Maybe? I’m fatigued.” “Michelle. Michelle, you’re so lazy. You love naps. You’re gonna love MS.” [Shocked hoots from the audience.] Michelle: I’m like, “Go on. Keep talking.” “Michelle, you love excuses. You don’t—you can’t make the school fundraiser because MS! Nobody’s gonna say anything!” That’s right. [Singing.] I think I’m gonna like MS! That was poorly sung to the tune of “I Think I’m Gonna Like it Here” from the musical Annie. So. I just—I have an ear for it. I have an ear for it. Sometime when people find out that you’re not gonna die from MS, they’re like, “Oh, okay. Bye.” And then they just walk off. It’s like, what? Come back! I got a progressive autoimmune disease, and my immune system is attacking the myelin sheaths surrounding my neurons causing irreversible damages! Where are you going? I deserve your never-ending compliments and gifts! I want them forever until the end of time. Until you die in an accident and I live forever with my MS. Um, I—lots of people like to talk to you about a disease that you have, and I didn’t like to talk to people before and now I’m supposed to hear their smoothie recipes? I don’t…
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Michelle Biloon, folks! Her new album is Permanent Hat. You can follow her on Twitter @Biloon—that’s B-I-L-O-O-N. We’re almost at the end of another Bullseye Standup Special. The Bullseye team listened to a lot of comedy albums this year. So many comedy albums to pick the best of 2020. And one of the great parts of doing that is that you discover some truly underrated and hilarious folks—folks that you hadn’t heard of. This year was no exception. Everyone in the office was buzzing about this comic. Here’s a bit from Capricornication from Canadian comedian Brandon Ash-Mohammed.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
clip
[The audience laughs at regular intervals as Brandon speaks.] Brandon Ash-Mohammed: My grandmother’s from Trinidad, that’s why I’m Trinidadian. That’s how it works. And she’s very crazy. Recently, her pupils started turning blue and she got very excited about it. She was like, [singsonging] “My eyes are turning bluuuuue! My eyes are turning bluuuuue!” So, we went to the optometrist. And she was like, “Doctor, doctor, guess what’s new? My eyes are bluuuuue!” And he was just like, “Brenda, you have cataracts.” [The audience goes wild.] Brandon: You win some, you lose some. I understand why she’s like that because she was raised by my great grandmother who’s also very crazy. I remember in 2008, we got her cable ‘cause, like, Obama was getting elected or whatever. Instead of her watching that, she watched BET Sunday Best and That’s So Raven. Great choices. Great choices. I remember during this period she would leave the weirdest voicemail every day at 3AM. We would hear a “BOOP!” and then we would hear, “[Undulating singing.] This is the sound of Gooood! [Undulating singing.] Hallelujah, Jesus, Holy Ghost! [Undulating singing.] The blood of Christ! [A high, sustained note.] Okay, love you guys! Byeee!” Growing up queer in a West Indian family’s very interesting. I remember when I was coming out to my family, I sat everyone down and I was like, “Guys, I have to tell you something.” And they were like, “What is it, Brandon?” And I was like, [dramatically] “I can’t tell you!” And then I ran away. Um. And I did that five times that day. Finally, my mother was like, “Okay, Brandon. You’re either gonna tell us you’re gay or you’re pregnant.” And my grandmother was just like, “He looks like both.” Being Black and gay is such an interesting experience, because you’re just always so talented. Like, think of every gay, Black person you know. At minimum, they can do the splits. I once did this joke and there was another gay, Black dude in the audience, and he started laughing super hard. And then I noticed he had crutches and I was like, “What happened?” And what happened was is he had hurt himself voguing while doing the splits. And I was just like, “Yo, that is the gayest, yet Blackest way to hurt yourself.” Like y’all think bigotry is decimating my community? But also, it’s gymnastics. A lot of gay people talk about how they were gay from when they were born. Me? Not the case. I was gay from before I was born! Let me tell you about [whispering] the propheciesssss. Okay. Number one, my mom named me after a character from Beverly Hills 90210. Gay people get that. Number two, the first time my mom felt me kick was during a production of Cats. Specifically, during “The Rum Tum Tugger”. He was a curious cat and so was I. Number three, my mom went into labor with my while at a Paula Abdul concert. Yeah, so heterosexuality was never in the cards for me. But running the Paula Abdul fan page on Yahoo was. Recently, we did a crossover with Star Wars and we’re now called Darth Maula Abdul.
sound effect
Music swells and fades.
jesse
Brandon Ash-Mohammad from his album, Capricornication. During quarantine, he started going live on Instagram alongside comedian Andrew Johnston. Together, they just launched a version of their Instagram hangout as a podcast. It’s called Sittin’ Up in Our Room.
music
Thumpy, cheerful music.
jesse
So. Before we wrap up the show, one last thing. We hope you enjoyed listening to these albums as much as we did picking them out. And we haven’t been talking about this much on the episode, but 2020 was a really rough year for standup comedians and the venues that normally host them. So, a request: if you liked what you heard, go and support these comics with your money. Buy their records. Don’t just stream their records. Show your love by going out and buying a physical copy or paying for a download. And if your local comedy venue is asking for help, help them however you can. Together we can keep standup comedy thriving into the future. Okay. I said that. I mean it. I hope you heard it. That’s it. Onto the credits.
music
Relaxed, jazzy music.
jesse
That’s the end of another episode of Bullseye. Bullseye is created from the homes of me and the staff of Maximum Fun, in and around greater Los Angeles, California—where the guys building a house across the street from me introduced a machine that goes brrrrr-clunk-clunk-clunk-clunk-brrrrr-clunk-clunk-clunk-clunk. It’s great! Really. Brightens my life. The show is produced by speaking into microphones. Our producer is Kevin Ferguson. Jesus Ambrosio and Jordan Kauwling are our associate producers. We get help from Casey O’Brien and Kristen Bennett. Special thanks to everyone at Maximum Fun who listened to standup comedy records for this week’s special! We farmed it out to practically the entire staff. We’re very grateful to everyone for pitching in. Our interstitial music is by Dan Wally, also known as DJW. Our theme song is by The Go! Team. Our thanks to them and to their label, Memphis Industries, for letting us use it. If you wanna hear the latest about what we are up to, you can keep up with the show on Twitter, @Bullseye. On Facebook, at Facebook.com/bullseyewithjessethorn. And on YouTube, where we post all our interviews. I think that’s about it. Just remember: all great radio hosts have a signature signoff.
promo
Speaker: Bullseye with Jesse Thorn is a production of MaximumFun.org and is distributed by NPR. [Music fades out.]
About the show
Bullseye is a celebration of the best of arts and culture in public radio form. Host Jesse Thorn sifts the wheat from the chaff to bring you in-depth interviews with the most revered and revolutionary minds in our culture.
Bullseye has been featured in Time, The New York Times, GQ and McSweeney’s, which called it “the kind of show people listen to in a more perfect world.” Since April 2013, the show has been distributed by NPR.
If you would like to pitch a guest for Bullseye, please CLICK HERE. You can also follow Bullseye on Twitter, YouTube, and Facebook. For more about Bullseye and to see a list of stations that carry it, please click here.
Get in touch with the show
@bullseye
@bullseyewithjessethornPeople
How to listen
Stream or download episodes directly from our website, or listen via your favorite podcatcher!
