TRANSCRIPT Bullseye with Jesse Thorn: 2024’s End of Year Stand-Up Comedy Spectacular!

[00:00:00]

Jesse Thorn: I’m Jesse Thorn. It’s Bullseye.

Music: “Huddle Formation” from the album Thunder, Lightning, Strike by The Go! Team—a fast, upbeat, peppy song. Music plays as Jesse speaks, then fades out.

Jesse Thorn: This week’s guest on the show: nobody! We’re not talking to Oprah or Prince Harry or Steven Spielberg or whoever it was we would have interviewed. Tell them all to sit down and be patient. This week, we’re throwing out the rundown and bringing you our annual end of the year standup comedy showcase. Our team has gone through the best standup comedy albums of 2024—hours and hours and hours of comedy. And on Bullseye today, we’re bringing you a little bit of each of them.

You’ll hear from Kyle Kinane, Rory Scovel, Tig Notaro, and many, many more. That’s all coming up on the Bullseye end of year standup spectacular.

(Music ends.)

It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. As you probably know by now, every week on Bullseye, we interview a guest or two who do cool and exciting things in pop culture—folks like André 3000 and Tom Hanks and Jennifer Hudson. But this week, no! The only person I’m talking with is my family and my producer, Kevin—who is currently recording me, and does not have a microphone, so that doesn’t even really count.

We are playing back excerpts from the best standup comedy albums of 2024. And first up is Kyle Kinane. Kyle is a veteran standup. He has been on Bullseye—I think—four times?! It’s a lot, although not that many when you consider how fantastic he is. If you didn’t hear those interviews but you still recognize his voice, it might be because he was the sound of Comedy Central promos for like 15 years. His 2024 record, Dirt Nap, is one of the best. On it he reflects on what is for many a middle-aged rite of passage: the move to the suburbs.

 

Transition: A whooshing sound.

Kyle Kinane (Dirt Nap): I thought I was gonna do great. ‘Cause it’s weird! Like—I mean, suburbs not what you hear a super cool guy talk about. But no, I thought—you know what, my reasoning was like I’m from the suburbs. And it’s like, okay, yeah. Maybe it’s just, you know, middle age; it’s okay to like cool down and stop trying to die every night.

(Laughter.)

But I’m from a town called Addison, Illinois; that’s where I’m from. It’s outside of Chicago. Doesn’t matter; it’s the same suburb. Whatever suburb you’re thinking of? That’s the one!

(Laughter.)

They’re not different. You know, they’re not different. Mine has a 31—no! Nope! They’re all the same one. You know, they’re all—it’s every one. Is it a poorly marked exit across nine lanes of highway that you gotta just cut off, you know, semi-trucks? Like, goddamn it! You get on some Cloverleaf that just plops you out right between a TGI Friday’s and a Chili’s. Yeah, that’s the one!

There’s always a family in the parking lot between those two restaurants, confused. Yeah, every time. Every time. It’s always just the dad. He’s always just like (sighs heavily, flustered).

My parents still live there. My parents are still in the same house I grew up in. I guarantee you they’re in that house right now, at this very moment. Just both in separate rooms, three televisions all playing HGTV at different volumes, just to fill in the void where conversation used to live.

(Laughter.)

Just Property Brothers, echoing like the national anthem in a baseball stadium.

“Have you thought about a French drain?” (Petering off.) French drain, French drain…

(Laughter.)

They’re great. They’re there. You know, they’re just old and crazy. You know how parents are. They’re both there. I still love them. I still talk to them. But it’s—you know, it gets tough. My mom—oof. How do we say this? Verbose is not a long enough word to describe how my mother abuses the privilege of conversation. Does that—?

(Laughter and scattered applause.)

Is that too mean? Is that—? Let’s put it this way, the woman tells a story the same way a Rube Goldberg machine cracks an egg into a frying pan. Does that make more sense?

(Laughter and applause.)

You’re gonna get that omelet, but you’re gonna take a lot of unnecessary twists and turns to get there.

(Without prompting from the audience.) What’s that? An example? You got it, Minneapolis!

(Laughter and cheers.)

Sometimes you gotta grease it. Uh. (Chuckles.)

I called her up. When I call her, I know that I’ve made the first mistake. So, I just—I clear my schedule; I get snacks and waters around me, and I’m like, “Alright, here we go. Time to hit the space station.”

[00:05:00]

You know? You just get your necessities around you, and strap in. Anyway, I called her up. And I call her, and I start optimistically. I want to start with good energy. I call her, and I was like, “Okay!” I was like, “HEY, MA!” That’s how I started. “Hey Ma!” Good energy. And that’s how I called.

She answered the phone, heard me go, “Hey Ma!”, and then her response—she just goes, “Ugh.”

(Laughter.)

Right there I was like I do not have enough snacks. (Beat.) We are not gonna make it around the moon on this one.

She goes—as if she’s been preparing for this, she goes, “Ugh, Kyle.” She goes, “Do you know the game Words From Friends?”

(Laughter.)

Now, I know that game’s called Words With Friends. But I don’t want to correct her; that’s gonna add time on the clock! That’s what we’re trying to avoid! Alright? Talking to my mom, it’s improv rules. “Yes, and!” You just gotta agree and push forward. It’s the only way!

(Applause.)

Anything said is the truth, and that’s the reality now. You just accept and move forward. Words From Friends.

I’m like “Yeah, mom, it’s like Scrabble.”

She goes, “Kyle, it’s like Scrabble.”

(Laughter.)

Then, she spent the next 20 minutes describing the game of Scrabble to me. That’s a game that we’ve played together! I blacked out.

Transition: A whooshing sound.

 

Jesse Thorn: Kyle Kinane, from his great new album Dirt Nap.

Transition: Thumpy rock music.

Jesse Thorn: It’s Bullseye, I’m Jesse Thorn. Next up is Luba Magnus. Luba hails from Ontario, Canada. She’s a very capable keyboard player—as you’re about to hear—and a master of pithy, non sequitur jokes. She kicks off her newest album, Are You Okay?, with this tightly packed little interlude.

 

Transition: A whooshing sound.

Luba Magnus (Are You Okay?): Here we go!

(A dreamy series of synth modulated chords on the keyboard which serves as backing to her speaking.)

For a lot of people, their favorite part about waterfalls is how the water… (a discordant note) falls. My favorite part about waterfalls is how nice that cliff looks with bangs.

(The chord resolves.)

(Laughter.)

I’ve never done hard drugs. But I’ve been drinking a lot of water, which feels a lot less like being healthy and a lot more like microdosing drowning. Those aren’t hard drugs; those are hard… glugs. Okay, alright.

(Laughter.)

(Giggles.) Just found out that my cat’s a vegan. Yeah, her hairballs? Fake fur! But she says it tastes just like the real thing.

I just had a burger at a restaurant the other day. A very yummy burger, but the tomato that they put on the burger was the top of the tomato?!

(Shock and boos.)

That’s (censor beep).

(Laughter and scattered applause.)

You can’t do that! That’s like that burger’s wearing two hats. (Laughter.) And I’m not for it. A lot of girls these days are contouring their face with makeup. You know? They draw a bunch of lines; they blend it out; and they look like a supermodel. That’s cool! I’ve never contoured my face, but I’ve swan-toured my face. That’s what I call it when I look really mad when people don’t feed me bread!

(Laughter.)

I found myself in this weird situation during the pandemic where I was working for a news station. Uh, I don’t think I’m allowed to say which one, so I’ll say it rhymed with Schlobal Blues? I worked for Schlobal Blues News in the graphics department. And one rule of thumb that we always had to follow was that the word “COVID” was spelled in all capital letters, right? Yeah, capital C, capital O, capital V, I, D… even when there were lower cases.

(Scattered chuckles into larger laughter.)

Those are the tiny jokes! Thank you, guys!

(Cheers and applause.)

Transition: A whooshing sound.

 

Jesse Thorn: Luba Magnus, from her new album, Are You Okay?

Transition: Thumpy synth with light vocalizations.

Jesse Thorn: It’s Bullseye, I’m Jesse Thorn. Rob HaZe, my next guest, has appeared on Falllon, The Late-Late Show, and more. He hails from Atlanta, Georgia. Home of Outkast, The Falcons, and—as you will hear shortly—lush fields of hard-to-afford real estate. HaZe released his second album this year: Frontin’. Here’s a bit from it.

 

Transition: A whooshing sound.

Rob HaZe (Frontin’): My friends back home, they would say stuff to me all the time that I can’t relate to. I see their posts, they’ll be like—

[00:10:00]

“Oh yeah, we had to buy a new house. Hashtag, #adulting.”

(Scattered laughter.)

You don’t have to buy a house to be an adult. You just gotta get older. They’re always taking pictures with that big key. (Beat.) I be so jealous of that big key.

(Laughter.)

When you get an apartment, nobody takes a picture with you! You fill out that paperwork, and then you gotta leave. I want that big key! I got nowhere to put it. If I had it, it’d be under my bed.

They say stuff I can’t relate to. They’ll be like, “Oh yeah, we been watching HGTV, and we decided to knock this wall out.”

I’m like, “Y’all knocking out walls?! I could’ve used that wall! I was one wall away from being normal!”

Times got tough in New York; I had to get a moving job. I was a sorry mover. I would come with ideas that I thought were new. I was like, “What if we make a bunch of little trips?”

(Laughter.)

They heard that one before.

I always wanted to stay on the truck. Like, “Hey, y’all go in and move this stuff. I’m gonna watch the truck, ‘cause we might need to move it. Somebody might need to pull the truck around.”

It was a sketchy business. I know it was sketchy, ‘cause the first day I went to talk to the guy about working there, I brought two forms of ID—’cause that’s what you do when you start a job. And I gave the guy my driver’s license, and he just made fun of it and gave it back. He was just like, “Yeah, that’s a goofy picture right there.”

(Laughter.)

I’m like, “You not gonna photocopy that or nothing?” I was Rob on the schedule. That’s three letters! I’m like, “If something happens to me, I’m not gonna be able to track these people down.”

They used to always be like, “Rob, you so weak!”

I’m not weak. I just don’t have a good grip.

(Laughter.)

Like, you don’t know your grip until it’s tested. Like, my muscles are strong, but my grip is weak. My hands are moisturized. Boxes just slide right through. Like, I can lift anything! I can lift a dresser. I just gotta put it down more frequently than other people. I just gotta take more breaks.

You rethink everything when you move a couch cushion, and you gotta use your face a little bit.

(Laughter.)

Makes you rethink your life decisions. Like, yeah, this couch definitely got the seepage.

I got sent home one day; that’s embarrassing. They were like, “We’d rather do this job with two people than three people. We just realized this is not a three-man job.”

This is my theory. Early in the day I think they were like, “This guy, he’s young. He’s gonna get better, he’s gonna get stronger, we just gotta keep working with him.” And then a Missy Elliott song came on the radio, and I knew all the words. And they’re like, “That’s just a weak, grown man!”

(Laughter.)

“You gotta go home, sir. You’re just perfectly feminine-anine when you do it!”

Transition: A whooshing sound.

 

Jesse Thorn: Rob HaZe, from his new album, Frontin’.

Transition: Relaxed synth with a syncopated beat.

Jesse Thorn: This is Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. Next up on our end of year standup comedy spectacular is Ali Clayton. The title of her debut album, which she released in spring, is Country Queer. And that sets the stage pretty well for the bit you are about to hear. Ali is gay. She was born and raised in the South, and she has family there—family who she loves. And all that can get a little complicated.

 

Transition: A whooshing sound.

Ali Clayton (Country Queer): It’s hard coming out, especially as a Southerner. You grow up seeing a lot of things. And it was really, really hard. But some good news is that I am no longer in a relationship. So, that means my niece and nephew no longer have to refer to my girlfriend as my buddy.

(Laughter and sympathetic “aw”s.)

Yeah, that was a rule. That was a rule. And like, kids are really smart. Really, really smart. And I was certain my niece and nephew knew I was gay. Because I was like there’s no way. There’s just no way they think a Middle Eastern woman is coming to Christmas every year, because she thinks that’s fun. You know?

(Laughter.)

I was certain they knew.

[00:15:00]

And then one year, my nephew—he was about 12—and he comes up to me and goes, “Aunt Ali, can I follow you on social media?”

And I said, yes, you can. And so, my nephew right in front of me pulls up my Instagram, and he starts looking at it… and he starts shaking his head. He’s seen something, and he’s upset.

I said, “Buddy, what’s the matter?”

He said, “This! This, right here on your social media, Aunt Ali! On your social media, it says: southern gaaaay comedian. You gay? You gay, Aunt Ali?!”

(Laughter.)

And I was like, “Y-yeah, buddy. I am, but like I just kind of thought you knew that.”

And he was like, “Everybody lied!”

(Raucous laughter and a few “aw”s.)

“Everybody in this family’s liars! You’re a liar, everybody’s liars!” He said, “Everybody in this family said you’re a lesbian.”

(Laughter and applause.)

Then I had to explain what a synonym is, you know.

(Cackling from the audience.)

I’m always telling them: less guns, more books. You know? Nobody wants to listen to Liberal Aunt Ali.

My niece didn’t like it. My niece was eight years old at the time. She did not like it. So, my sweet little niece felt like he was bullying me. So, she stood up on a stool in front of the whole family and goes, “Listen up! Listen up, everybody! My Aunt Ali is gay! My Aunt Allie is gay, and it’s good!”

(Cheers and scattered applause.)

She said, “My Aunt Ali is gay, and it’s really good! Because when she gets married, her and her wife, they’re going to have double the babies!”

(Screams of laughter.)

And she’ll get sex ed in North Carolina. So, she’ll think that her whole life.

Transition: A whooshing sound.

 

Jesse Thorn: Ali Clayton, from her debut standup album, Country Queer. Allie also cohosts the podcast Y’all Gay with fellow comic, Ever Mainard.

Transition: Chiming synth with a syncopated beat.

Jesse Thorn: We’ll continue on with more of the Bullseye end of year standup spectacular. On the other side of our quick break, one of our favorite comics, Kimberly Clark, breaks down the magic of beloved Cuban bakery, Porto’s, and why you never, ever want to talk about their soup. It’s Bullseye, from MaximumFun.org and NPR.

 

Promo:

Music: Playful rock music.

Dave Holmes: Oh my gosh, hi! It’s me, Dave Holmes, host of Troubled Waters—the pop culture battle to the ego death. Okay, everybody. Word association with Troubled Waters. First one to fumble loses. Go.

Riley: Comedy.

John-Luke: Panel show.

Christian: Guests.

Riley: Celebrities.

John-Luke: Games.

Dave: Oh, sound rounds!

Riley: Improvised speeches.

John-Luke: Puns disguised as trivia.

Christian: A very niche Flash Gordon clip.

Riley: Umm, Chappel Rowan!

Dave: Oh no, Riley, I’m sorry; she will not return our phone calls. I am afraid you’re out.

(Failure buzzer.)

Riley: A girl can dream.

Dave Holmes: Oh, but dreaming will not earn a girl any points.

Troubled Waters! Listen on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

 

Transition: Thumpy rock music.

Jesse Thorn: Welcome back to Bullseye, I’m Jesse Thorn. Once a year, instead of interviews, we play some of the best standup comedy of the year. We’re so thrilled to bring on my next comic, Kimberly Clark. Kim is one of my favorite standup comics, and she is as passionate as anyone I have ever met about the city of Burbank—and indeed, that whole part of Los Angeles and Southern California.

It’s a passion that extends to a Cuban bakery called Porto’s. Here’s some of her new album, Junior.

 

Transition: A whooshing sound.

Kimberly Clark (Junior): I had a lot of young guys hitting on me. I used to think, “Oh, I must look good for my age!” But it’s not that. I look responsible.

(Laughter.)

I have a responsible face, you know. I look like I have clean sheets, fluffy towels, heat, air conditioning, food in the fridge, a meal on the stove. You know?

(Someone in the audience loudly agrees.)

I thought it was me. I really did. I was feeling myself. I said, “Ooh, these young guys. What? They love me!” No, I’m just loan eligibility. You know what I’m saying? I’m a loan.

I tried it once with a young guy. We bonded over Porto’s.

[00:20:00]

Y’all know Porto’s?

(Hoots of agreement.)

Yeees! Everybody loves Porto’s. It’s delicious, right? We started talking about the pastries and stuff.

I was like, “Ooh, I love Porto’s!”

He was like, “Me too.”

And then I was like, “Isn’t the soup delicious there?”

And he was like, “They serve soup there?”

And I said, “I just said some old lady (censor beep). Let me shut up.”

(Laughter.)

I am in the soup-eating years, you know? I was like let me get back in my lane, in my category.

I love guys in turtlenecks though. I think turtlenecks—dudes in turtlenecks look good to me. I think it’s sexy. A lot of my friends, they’re like, “That’s creepy, Kim.” I was like—I think it’s sexy. You know. You show up on the first date in a turtleneck? I love it. You show up on the second date in a turtleneck? I got questions.

(Laughter.)

I’m gonna need you to open up your closet, so we can do a turtleneck count. If there’s more than five turtlenecks in there, I’m ending the relationship. What kind of villain am I dating, you know? Who are you supposed to be, Gargamel? You know?

(Laughter.)

That’s too much.

Transition: A whooshing sound.

 

Jesse Thorn: Kimberly Clark from her album, Junior, telling truth! The pastries are great at Porto’s; the soup is also good.

Transition: Thumpy rock music.

Jesse Thorn: It’s Bullseye‘s end of year standup spectacular. I’m Jesse Thorn. Next up is Rory Scovel. Rory is a standup, also an actor and TV writer. He created and starred in the Comedy Central show, Robbie, and has worked on Physical, Grace and Frankie, and The Eric Andre Show. His album is called Sex, Religion, and a Few Things in Between.

This next bit, I think, qualifies as one of those few things in between: vaccines.

 

Transition: A whooshing sound.

Rory Scovel (Sex, Religion, and a Few Things in Between): You wanna know something? I still don’t know what’s in the vaccine, and I’ll never know what’s in the vaccine.

(Laughter.)

I’m not so stupid I’m gonna go sit down to find out how (censor beep)ing dumb I am. Yeah, I got the vaccine! Yes, I got all the boosters! If it saves my life, fine. If it kills me, great.

(Laughter.)

But the last thing you will ever see me do is Google, “What’s in the vaccine?”, and then sit there and pretend as though I understand the words that I’m reading. “Whoa, Glorbosol!? WHOA! Whoa! Whoa, actually, whoa. Actually, that is like a big deal. I didn’t know we were there yet with Glorbosol. Glad that’s in there, but I’ll tell you what! That Tetratranazine? That’s got me wondering who’s really in charge? Heh, heh.”

Remember all those people that were like, “You better research it. Know what’s in it before you put it in your body.” A lot of those people willingly eat at Golden Corral.

(Laughter and thunderous applause.)

Yeah. No one makes them do it! They enter that restaurant on their own volition. (Nasally.) “Well, they got this chocolate fountain, you see. And you just walk in, and you put your hand in it. Oh, the sweet chocolate, just all over your face, dripping into your mouth. I love it so much, I’ll take my chicken tenders, and I’ll just let them swim through the chocolate. Eat them at the same time. That way I get to dessert faster.

“I know all the tricks at Golden Corral! But when it comes to vaccines—(voice becoming snootier) I’m a little bit of a health nut, actually, yeah. Actually, yeah, I’m actually a pretty big health nut. Yeah. Whoa! What’s in it? Heh-heh-heh.”

None of those (censor beep) know what’s in it either, and I’m basing that 100% on their clothing.

(Laughter.)

You want to sell me on science, you need to dress the (censor beep) up a little bit. Remember those videos during the pandemic? You’d be watching it; somebody’s like talking about the vaccine. You’re like, “Mmm, not in that outfit, bud. I’ve seen smart people, and they’re not wearing those clothes.”

Transition: A whooshing sound.

 

Jesse Thorn: Rory Scovel from his album Sex, Religion, and a Few Things in Between.

Transition: Thumpy synth with light vocalizations.

Jesse Thorn: Next up on our end of year standup spectacular, Ali Siddiq. Ali’s been a standup comic for a while now. He dropped his first album in 2010. He appeared on TV a few years after that.

[00:25:00]

The album from which this clip comes is called Domino Effect Part 3: The First Day of School. And as the title suggests, it is part three in a series of records. They sort of tell the story of his life. But The First Day of School isn’t about school. Siddiq was incarcerated on a drug charge when he was 19, and Domino Effect Part 3 tells the story of the first time he was locked up. This clip’s called “Calling Mom From Prison”. Let’s listen.

 

Transition: A whooshing noise.

Ali Siddiq (Domino Effect 3: The First Day of School): This your first day in the county. You in there, and you ain’t ate nothing. Day two, you ain’t ate nothing. You ain’t ate or drank nothing. ‘Cause I’ve been on the phone, calling everybody.

(Laughter.)

I’ve been on this phone, talking to everybody I can talk to but my mama; I ain’t call my mama. Can’t call her. She got to be the last—(sighs). She last. Some people say, “Your mama first!” Nooo, not when you selling dope. Your mama is last.

(Laughter.)

You don’t want your mama to know nothing. I need to be on the street before I tell my mama what’s going on with me. But it ain’t happening.

Day three, I’m exhausted. And see, this is the time. Y’all don’t know how many phone calls I done made. ‘Cause this is the time—I’m not in this world now, where y’all don’t know (censor beep), where everything on your phone. I have 877 numbers stored in my goddamn head.

(Laughter and applause.)

I know everybody’s number by heart! I’m calling everybody! I call old teachers. “Hey, this… and you said if I ever needed you coach.” (Cackles.)

(Laughter and cheers.)

I’m calling everybody.

The person I want to call, she’s in the Navy—my sister. My sister would’ve came and got me. She’s in the Navy; ain’t no calling her. So, I had to break down…

(Chuckles from the audience.)

… and call my mama. My mama… man, this ain’t—this ain’t the phone call you want to make. My mama was humming when I called her. ‘Cause I didn’t call her from the prison phone. I called somebody and had them call home three ways. I need to buffer all this. I need to buffer.

(Laughter.)

I can’t call my mama collect! She already know what this is! I need to— My mama answered the phone, “(Humming melodically.) Hello?”

I said, “Hey, Mama.”

“Hey, baby!”

I said, “Um. Mama, what you doing?”

“I’m out in the garden, what’s up?”

(Clearing his throat.) “Um… (clicks teeth)… Mama, you having a good day though?”

(Laughter.)

“Yeah, baby! I’m having a good day! What’s going on?”

“Um, (censor beep).”

“Baby, you just cussed?!”

“No, not really. That was people in the background talking. Um. Mama, um… I’m-I’m—I’m-I’m-I’m—I’m locked up.”

“W-wait? You—what?! What you locked up for?!”

I said, “Mama, they say I was, um…”

(Raucous laughter and applause.)

“Mama—Mama, they say I was trafficking—I was trafficking… and, um, I’m dying here, and I gotta get a bond. I gotta get a lawyer. I gotta…”

Mama goes, “What? Baby, what—? Say it again.”

“Mama, they caught me with five kilos of dope, Mama. And $92,000, Mama. And a gun. That gun wasn’t mine, Mama. I’m sticking to that. That gun wasn’t mine. That gun was not mine, Mama.”

(Laughter.)

My mama crying. She crying. “We gon’ get you out!”

I said, “Mama, my bond is $150,000.”

She said, (shocked) “Woo! Woo!”

(Laughter.)

I said, “Mama, don’t trip on that. I got that. I got that.”

She said, “Baby, where you got that at?”

I said, “Mama, you know when I come over to your house, and I do all that gardening with you? You gonna have to dig them begonias up.”

(Laughter and applause.)

[00:30:00]

“It’s a bunch of money under the begonias mama.”

Transition: A whooshing sound.

 

Jesse Thorn: Ali Siddiq from his new album, Domino Effect Part 3: The First Day of School. You can listen to it online or watch it on YouTube.

Transition: Relaxed synth with a syncopated beat.

Jesse Thorn: It’s Bullseye, I’m Jesse Thorn. Next up on our Best of 2024 standup comedy spectacular, Chris Martin. Now, I know what you’re thinking. No, this is not the Chris Martin from Coldplay. Yes, even though both of them are British. In fact, Chris Martin, the comedian, even includes a disclaimer on his Instagram display name. England is a big country; Chris and Martin are both common names.

Comedian Chris Martin released Above Ground Comedian this year. A lot of it is about how profoundly weird it is to be a British person living in Los Angeles. Here’s Chris.

 

Transition: A whooshing sound.

Chris Martin (Above Ground Comedian): Men here are always asking other men if they wanna go.

(Laughter.)

(Roaring.) “You wanna go?! I wanna go!”

And then they have a fight, and that’s very bizarre to me. Just because where I come from, “do you wanna go?” just means “would you like to go?” So, when I was in a bar, the first time I had to be, I was like—I’d just moved here and like spilt beer on a guy. He was like, (gutturally) “You wanna go?!”

And I’m like, “… Where?”

(Laughter.)

“I’ll be honest, I don’t even know who you are. My mum told me not to go anywhere with strangers, so it’s unlikely I’m gonna go anywhere. So, I’m just gonna remain where I am.”

But I saw these two guys getting into it, and I live in Los Angeles; so, this is like in Hollywood. And these two dudes are like in the street. And the first guy’s like, (roaring) “You wanna go?!”

And the other guy’s like, “I wanna go!” And then the first guy, within like half a second, ripped his t-shirt off. And I could just see in the other man’s eyes that he wasn’t expecting to see nipples that quickly.

(Laughter.)

And he was like, (gruffly) “I’m good! I’m good!” And he just walked away.

And that was kind of inspiring for me, because I just thought that first guy was so confident, that kind of avoided him; he didn’t even have to get into a conflict. And I’m very conflict averse. I’m terrible at fighting. I promise you I’ve been in one fight in my whole life. (Chuckles.) It happened in Italy with my friends.

We were walking back from a night out, and some Italian guys jumped us and just start beating us up. In the middle of the fight, I put my hands above my head and said, “I’m not fighting you!”

And the guy went, “Cool,” and started fighting me even more. He was just like—

(Laughter.)

The first rule of Fight Club should be, “Don’t put your hands above your head and say I’m not fighting you, because then you get many punches to the face.” Right?

Transition: A whooshing sound.

 

Jesse Thorn: Chris Martin, from his album Above Ground Comedian.

Transition: Thumpy synth with a syncopated beat.

Jesse Thorn: The end of year standup spectacular is still going strong. After the break. The great Tig Notaro muses on what inspired her to send her friend a text message about tractors. It’s Bullseye, for MaximumFun.org and NPR.

 

Promo:

Music: Fast-paced synth.

Yucky Jessica: (Rachel McElroy doing a rasping, whiny voice.) I am Yucky Jessica.

Chuck Crudsworth: (Griffin McElroy doing a gravely, nasal voice.) I’m Chuck Crudsworth.

Yucky Jessica: And this is—

Jessica & Chuck: Terrible!

Chuck Crudsworth: A podcast where we talk about things we hate that are awful!

Yucky Jessica: Today, we’re discussing Wonderful!, a podcast on the Maximum Fun network?

Chuck Crudsworth: Hosts Rachel and Griffin McElroy, a real-life married couple—

Yucky Jessica: Yuuuck!

Chuck Crudsworth: —discuss a wide range of topics: music, video games, poetry, snacks!

Yucky Jessica: But I hate all that stuff!

Chuck Crudsworth: I know you do, Yucky Jessica!

Yucky Jessica: It comes out every Wednesday, the worst day of the week, wherever you download your podcasts.

Chuck Crudsworth: For our next topic, we’re talking Fiona, the baby hippo from the Cincinnati Zoo.

(Music ends.)

Yucky Jessica: I hate this little hippo!

 

Transition: Thumpy rock music.

Jesse Thorn: Welcome back to Bullseye, I’m Jesse Thorn. This week we’re doing something a little bit different. We have scoured hours and hours of standup comedy albums to bring you some of the best from 2024. And next up is Laurie Kilmartin. Laurie’s latest album is called—and bleep incoming here—Cis Woke Grief (censor beep). Sorry about the bleeping, but Laurie’s comedy’s pretty raw.

Back in 2018, she made a special called 45 Jokes About My Dead Dad, which was not an ironic title in any way. But hey, Laurie can be wholesome too! At least, wholesome in a very Laurie Kilmartin kind of way.

 

Transition: A whooshing sound.

Laurie Kilmartin (Cis Woke Grief Sl*t): My son just got a smartphone on his 16th birthday. (Chuckling.) He wanted one a lot earlier, but he couldn’t pass my encyclopedia test. Okay? ‘Cause I never wanted him to have a smartphone; I think they’re making teenagers stupid. Okay? They don’t know how to use reference books. They just Google stuff. I was raised on encyclopedias. Anyone else?

(Cheers and applause.)

Good. Yeah. Where’s my World Book people?

(Laughter and applause.)

Alright. Where’s my Encyclopedia Britannica crowd?

(Louder cheering and applause.)

Oh yeah. That’s your trust fund money right there!

I have all my old encyclopedias in a storage unit for nostalgia purposes.

[00:35:00]

And when my son was 14, I took him to the storage unit and I said, “Alright, I will get you a brand-new iPhone right now if you can use these books to answer a history question. You have five minutes. I want you to tell me who was the Prime Minister of Great Britain in World War II. Prime Minister, Great Britain, World War II. Ready, go.”

Right? And he goes to the W Encyclopedia. And I was like, “Ohhh, dang it. He’s gonna look up World War II.” But instead he tried to look up “who was the Prime Minister of Great Britain?”

(Laughter and applause.)

It was both the greatest and worst day of my life. I bought myself a brand-new iPhone right in front of his face to show him why I’m still the boss.

Transition: A whooshing noise.

 

Jesse Thorn: Laurie Kilmartin from her terrific new album, Cis Woke Grief (censor beep). You can catch Laurie on her podcast here at Maximum Fun, which she cohosts alongside Jackie Kashian. It’s called The Jackie and Laurie Show. It’s one of my faves. You can listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts.

Transition: Thumpy rock music.

Jesse Thorn: It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. Kate Willett is our next comic on this year’s Best of 2024 standup special. She’s from New York City. She’s performed on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, among many other venues. Her debut record, Glass Gutter, made our end of year special way back in 2017.

We were so excited to hear she’s got a new one. This one’s called Loopholes. Here she reflects on the healing potential, or lack thereof, of Astrology. By the way, I am a Taurus.

 

Transition: A whoosh sound.

Kate Willett (Loopholes): Uh, okay, not to be controversial, but living in Brooklyn for like—I guess like five/six years now has really kind of convinced me that there are only two genders, and that is sad boy and witch.

(Laughter and scattered applause.)

Neither of them has anything to do with biological sex, but it’s definitely a vibe. Yeah.

I went to this therapist—like a real therapist—and I walked into her office, and it was like covered in crystals, you know? Which is already a bad sign, because it’s like you see crystals there—like, I’m not saying she doesn’t believe in vaccines, but she has some questions. You know?

(Laughter.)

Yeah, she’s doing her own research. (Chuckles.) But yeah, you know, I told her I was feeling upset. And she was like, “How long have you been feeling that way?”

And you know, I was like, “About three months I’ve been depressed.”

And she’s like, “Have you ever looked into astrology?” Which was (censor beep)ed up, you know? Because it’s like I’m a white woman from California. Obviously, I’ve looked into astrology.

(Laughter.)

You know, I mean… (sighs) I think that like astrology in general—like, it’s even dumber than religion sometimes. Like, I’m not trying to talk up religion; I’ve had really bad experiences with it. But like, you know, even like the first story of the Bible is this whole stuff about like—you know, Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden, and then like Eve is tempted to eat this apple from the Tree of Knowledge, and then like she eats it, and then they get cast out of the Garden of Eden. And it’s this whole thing about how the thing that makes us human is suffering. You know?

And it’s just like—I don’t know, it’s kind of a great metaphor. And I feel like how much dumber would that be if that all happened because they were Geminis, you know?

(Laughter.)

Like astrology just feels like such a hard cope with late capitalism, you know? Because it’s like, well, you know do we have a lot of problems because five guys own all the money and the stuff? Or! Is there Mercury retrograde? Are we in a climate crisis, or is it Scorpio season?

(Laughter.)

Like, you know.

I mean, this therapist—you know, I went to her because I didn’t have insurance at the time. Like, that’s why I’m a socialist. Because it’s like, you know, for however unrealistic people can say that it would be for us to get like free universal healthcare one day, like it’s certainly more realistic than me marrying someone with health insurance.

(Laughter.)

Like… I’m living that freelance life, you know? This lady cost 60 bucks, which was cheap for therapy. Bu you know, it was expensive for a horoscope. And yeah.

Transition: A whooshing sound.

 

Jesse Thorn: Kate Willett from her new album, Loopholes.

Transition: Thumpy synth with a syncopated beat.

[00:40:00]

Jesse Thorn: It’s Bullseye, I’m Jesse Thorn. Ashley Ray is our next comic on the Best of 2024 standup special. Ashley is a writer, a podcast host, and a TV critic. In fact, on her personal website, she runs a semi-regular TV guide. Her new album, Ice Cream Money, is great. Here’s a bit of it.

 

Transition: A whooshing sound.

Ashley Ray (Ice Cream Money): Oh, I don’t know, I’m just in a good mood. I’m in love.

(Cheers and applause.)

Yeah, I’m in love. It’s a new stage in my life. Or you know, I guess it’s that I found real love. You know, I’ve had like the light version, but this—okay, this is like that deep stuff. You know? Like, okay. How do I describe it? Uh, are any of you in love?

(Scattered cheers and applause followed by laughter.)

Okay. Okay, you know what? Let’s just—let’s just pretend. Let’s just all pretend together, okay? Okay? We don’t need to—I’m sorry, girl. So, you know, okay; you love someone. You know, or—yeah, okay, you got it. It can be a celebrity. You got it. You love this person, and you’re driving in a car with them. You’re driving. You’re New Yorkers, I don’t know if you know how, but…

(Laughter.)

Okay, you’re driving a car. And suddenly, you have to slam on the brakes. Do you put your arm out to protect that other person that you love? That’s true love to me. That’s like one of those actions. I do it with my Taco Bell at 2AM.

(Laughter.)

When I’m driving, I’m just like, “We’re gonna make it, girl! You hold in! We’re gonna get there!” Okay? But some people do it with like the person they love, you know? A child, they’re like, “Oh! No, stay safe!” You know? I guess that, you know—yeah. I just think that’s love. Do any of you do that?

(A few affirmatives.)

Yeah, yeah! I think that’s love, because it’s so—I mean, it’s beautiful, but it’s so (censor beep)ing stupid.

(Laughter.)

It’s so dumb. (Chuckles.) You know, like it’s sooo stupid. Like, you’re so in love, you think you can defy physics? No! No, like that person is going through your arm. You’re breaking your arm. They’re gonna go—like, no. No. But like in that moment, you think—and that’s what love—and I found that. I found that. Yeah.

(Cheers and applause.)

Oh, thank youuu! It’s beautiful! It is. We—we met on Tinder.

(Scattered cheers.)

Boring—I know. Yeah, yeah. I mean Tinder is kind of like what your uncle uses now, so. (Laughs.) Like, I feel like they should just make commercials that’s like, “Your grandpa’s dating app, Tinder.” You know, so it was kind of shocking. But, oh, we had so much in common. He had hot pictures. Me too. His profile—his profile, it was so prolific. It was so deep. It was just the Armenian flag.

(Laughter.)

And I was like I’m in. Let’s go. We go out to dinner on our first date. Pretty quickly, I realized he doesn’t speak a lot of English. I’m not turned off by this, because I watch a lot of 90 Day Fiancé. I’m like we can work out—I got Google Translate, baby. We got this.

Okay, but then we get a conversation going. And he speaks enough English to say, “I respect bisexual women.” That’s important to me, as a bisexual woman. (Chuckles.) You know, that was really good to hear. You know, like I’m bisexual, and I don’t even respect most of us.

(Laughter.)

So, you know. And he also spoke enough English to say, “I believe the Earth is flat.” I believe the earth is flat. Yeah, yeah.

I’m like, “There must be a miscommunication.” I’m like, “That’s not—no, no, no, no, that’s not what you mean.” I’m like, “What? No, it’s like—you know.”

He pulls out a YouTube video. He’s like, “No, Earth is flat.”

(Laughter.)

It doesn’t stop there, because why would it? It never stops at Flat Earth. He also says he does not believe in Canada. The entire country. And I’m like, “Well, what about people from Canada.”

And he says, “Oh no, they’re a government PSYOP campaign. They’re all actors. And that is why, legally, Americans cannot walk into Canada.” (Beat.)

(Laughter.)

I was like, “W-we can. We—we can. We can.” There’s a bridge in Detroit. You can just walk right back and forth.

[00:45:00]

But then I looked at his biceps, and I thought, “You know what? No, you can’t. I’ll give it to you.”

(Laughter.)

I gave it to him. I was like, you know, fine. But he also said he didn’t believe in the California water crisis. (Beat.) Because the ocean is right there.

(Laughter.)

Transition: A whooshing sound.

 

Jesse Thorn: Ashley Ray from her album Ice Cream Money.

Transition: Thumpy synth with light vocalizations.

Jesse Thorn: It’s Bullseye. I’m Jesse Thorn. We’re almost at the end of our end of year standup special, but we have one more guest before we go. She put out a record; we couldn’t not include her—our pal, Tig Notaro.

Every single one of Tig’s albums is an absolute banger. She has been nominated for multiple Grammys, multiple Emmys. She’s been a guest on this show multiple times. She is in rare air. Nobody’s funnier than Tig. This year, she released Hello Again. On that record, she talks about parenthood and air travel, and—as you are about to hear—her experience recovering from back surgery.

 

Transition: A whooshing sound.

Tig Notaro (Hello Again): But needless to say, I was not in touch with the outside world during this stint. And Stephanie looked over at one point, and I had my cell phone in my hand. And she said, “What are you doing?”

And I said, “I’m texting Patrick.”

And she said, “Let me see your phone.”

And I said, “Why?”

And she said, “Give me your phone.”

And if she hadn’t taken a screen grab, I would never have believed what I was about to send to Patrick.

(Laughter.)

He simply asked, “Hey, how’s it going in there?”

And I responded, saying, “Hey, Patrick. Yeah, things have been getting worse to a towel.”

(Laughter.)

And then in parenthesis, I wrote, “I see tractor!” Exclamation point.

(Laughter.)

“Also, CHB.”

And whenever I share this story, inevitably, somebody asks, “What? What is CHB?”

And my response is, “What is getting ‘worse to a towel’?!” Why does nobody have any question about the rest of the text message?

Everybody’s just like, “What the hell is CHB?!” Like, what? I don’t know! I was out of my mind. Make up whatever you want it to be.

But I love that I had the wherewithal to put parentheses around “I see tractor”. Because I can only assume that I was mid-text, and then glanced over, and was like, “Wwwhoa!”

(Laughter and scattered applause.)

“Okay. This has nothing to do with the rest of my message, but—uh, I do see tractor. (Beat.) Also CHB.”

And a couple of days after I was discharged, I had this vague recollection of stopping texting Patrick to Google how to spell tractor.

(Laughter.)

I know how to spell tractor. But I guess in that state of mind, I was just like, “Okay, I can’t just be firing off misspelled texts. What will Patrick think of me?”

(Laughter.)

Transition: A whooshing sound.

 

Jesse Thorn: Tig Notaro, from her new album, Hello Again.

Transition: Funky synth.

Jesse Thorn: That’s the end of another episode of Bullseye. Bullseye is created in the homes of me and the staff of Maximum Fun, as well as at Maximum Fun HQ—

[00:50:00]

—overlooking beautiful MacArthur Park in Los Angeles, California. Here at our office, our buddy Tom Carroll—who makes videos for the LA Times—stopped by to make a video about the building our office is in, the American Cement Building, built as the headquarters of the American Cement Company.

Our show is produced by speaking into microphones. Our senior producer is Kevin Ferguson. Our producers are Jesus Ambrosio and Richard Robey. Our production fellow at Maximum Fun is Daniel Huecias. Special thanks this week to the worker-owners of Maximum Fun, who listened to some of these records with and for us. Julian Burrell, Bikram Chatterji, Christian Dueñas, Kira Gowin, Raghu Manavalan, Jennifer Marmor, Stacey Molski, Stephen Ray Morris, Laura Swisher, and KT Wiegman. Our video producer is Daniel Speer. We get booking help from Mara Davis.

Our interstitial music comes from our pal, Dan Wally, also known as DJW. You can find his music at DJWSounds.bandcamp.com. Our theme music was written and recorded by The Go! Team. It’s called “Huddle Formation”. Thanks to The Go! Team and to their label, Memphis Industries, for providing it to us.

You can follow Bullseye on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube, where you will find video from just about all of our interviews. And hey! If you liked some of the comedy that you heard this week, why not go follow those comics on social media? Go see them when they hit your town, and buy their record—maybe from Bandcamp or from your local record store, in addition to just streaming them on your local streaming service, so they get a little dough out of it.

Okay, that’s about it. Just remember, all great radio hosts have a signature signoff.

Promo: Bullseye with Jesse Thorn is a production of MaximumFun.org and is distributed by NPR.

(Music fades out.)

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