TRANSCRIPT One Bad Mother Ep. 323: Hiding! Plus, Comedian Jessica Delfino

Podcast: One Bad Mother

Episode number: 312

Guests: Jessica Delfino

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Transcript

biz ellis
									
This is Biz. I’m a part-time working mom with two full-blown kids.
theresa thorn
									
And I’m Theresa. I have a family business, two young kids, and a toddler.
biz
									
This is a show about life after giving life. Don’t listen with your kids, ‘cause there will be swears. This… is One Bad Mother.
music
									
 “Summoning the Rawk” by Kevin MacLeod. Driving electric guitar and heavy drums.
biz
									
This week on One Bad Mother, where are you?! I’m hiding! Plus, Biz is living the impossible dream, Theresa is tired, and we talk to comedian Jessica Delfino.
crosstalk
									
Biz and Theresa: [Cheering] Wooooo!
biz
									
How are you, Theresa?
theresa
									
So tired.
biz
									
Ah ha haa!
theresa
									
Yeah.
biz
									
Yeah?
theresa
									
Um…
biz
									
Why? [Laughs.]
theresa
									
I’ll tell you! I’ll tell you. So, okay. Over the weekend, everyone’s gonna hate me for saying this, but…Jesse and I went out two nights in a row.
crosstalk
									
Biz: That’s great. I don’t hate you. Theresa: I was [through laughter] not…it was not on purpose. I’m like, “Oh, I’m so tired ‘cause I went out dating!” Biz: [Laughs.] You went out dating. [Laughs wildly; continues laughing through next several sentences.]
theresa
									
I went out and had fun! No, I…it was just, like, a weird thing. Like, our—
biz
									
That’s great!
theresa
									
[Biz affirms Theresa several times throughout.] _—we hadn’t seen—our kids hadn’t seen their, like, original babysitter from, like, who we had for, like, seven years? Like, they hadn’t seen her in, like, six weeks? And it was just like, every—they, just like miss her, and…so it was like the one night she could do it was Saturday night, but then we had something to—that we had to go to on Friday night, so we had our new babysitter [laughs]—_
biz
									
Nice!
theresa
									
[Biz continues agreeing with Theresa throughout.] [Through laughter] So we were gone two nights in a row; and it was all fine, but like— [Biz laughs.] _—everybody was totally out of whack. Like—really. Like…not me! I was fine. [Biz cackles.] Everybody was just, like, disoriented and not sleeping well and then, like…Curtis had gotten, like, horrible mosquito bites on Friday at school? Like, I don’t know why, but he came home with all these bug bites and he was up in the night like—it was one of the—so I came home really late—too late—was gonna just crash. Didn’t get to crash. I was up every hour. With him. Every hour, crying and he needed me to, like, put the hydrocortisone on there? And whatever. And…it was like, torture. Like, every time I’d put him back to bed I’d be like, “Okay, I’m done,” and then an hour later like, “No! This can’t be!” You know. And then, um—Oscar was up twice in the night that night; Grace was up early—_I mean, it was the full whatever. Sack of bananas.
crosstalk
									
Biz: The circus has come to this. The full sack of bananas! [Laughs wildly.] Theresa: The full sack of bananas. [Laughs.] The Costco size sack.
biz
									
Bulk. Bananas. [Both laugh wildly.]
theresa
									
And…so I’m still_—_that was two nights ago. I’m still recovering from that today.
biz
									
You should have known that was coming.
theresa
									
I know.
biz
									
Because you did something nice for yourself.
theresa
									
I should have, yes.
biz
									
The scales needed to be balanced. [Laughs.]
theresa
									
I know! It’s_—_yeah! It’s punishment! It’s punishment for thinking I could do stuff.
biz
									
Lesson learned.
theresa
									
Yup! Never again. How are you?
biz
									
[Theresa affirms Biz regularly throughout.] I’m…I’m tired. I_—definitely living in the land of impossible—I mean, we talk about, like, “Things just aren’t possible.” And…and sometimes we, like, yell and rant about it on the show. We’re like, “How does anybody get anything done?!” And I was like, “Oh! I’m here. Floating in impossible.” As if it was, like, Jell-O. Right? Like—if—I—so…Friday was so, like, strangely impossible, and I did all this—I texted Theresa, like, at 10:40 and was, like, “It’s only 10. 40.” But like, lemme just see if I can recap it really quickly. I knew that Friday, Katy Belle was going on this little walk to the school farm, and she really wanted me to go. She started crying when I said I couldn’t, so I had to move my therapy appointment to later that day. Also, there—like, the school has, like, a little group meeting every week? So you can come and see all the kids sing songs and stuff? Whatever. But this is important to Ellis, that I come to that. So…we pull up Friday morning and get some sort of miracle parking space that is right in front of the school. So I’m thinking that’s good ‘cause I’m here for two hours, right? That’s great. We go in; Ellis has forgotten his lunchbox. So I now have—I go and ask Katy Belle’s teacher, “When do you guys start walking over to the farm?” 9:15. Ellis won’t let me leave until he’s—_
theresa
									
His lunchbox was at home?
biz
									
Home!
theresa
									
[Sighing.] Oh. I thought you meant the car.
biz
									
I did, too! Until we went and looked. And then…so it’s_—Ellis walks into his classroom at 8:45 and that is the soonest I’m able to leave. So at 8:45 I race to the car; go all the way back home; get the lunchbox; get back, and it’s like—9:16. So they—_Katy Belle’s class should be coming out. Right? I get another amazing parking space. I then…get the lunchbox delivered, and then I go outside to sit and wait for these kids to come out. Five minutes pass; there are still no kids. So I go in and I say, “Where...’s Katy Belle’s class?” “Oh, they left forever ago!”
theresa
									
[Aghast whisper] What?
crosstalk
									
Biz: So now I have to get in the car and drive over to where they are, ‘cause otherwise we lose a ton of time. Theresa: Drive there. Right. ‘Cause otherwise_—_right.
biz
									
I get over there; I find parking there_—yeah! They—_left at nine!
theresa
									
Weird!
biz
									
The teacher’s like, “I’m so sorry!” It’s like, “It’s okay!”
crosstalk
									
Biz: So then, I’ve gotta, like, walk around the fucking farm. Theresa: Texting? Anyway. Yeah.
biz
									
Then, Katy Belle’s like, “Walk back with me!”
crosstalk
									
Biz: I’m like, “I’m not walking back with you because I have to— Theresa: Then I have to_—yeah. Yeah. Biz: —_drive and I’d have to, like, walk again! So I’ll see you back at the school!”
biz
									
So I have to drive back—
theresa
									
Oh my God.
biz
									
_—_park, and then…
theresa
									
I hate all of this so much.
biz
									
_—and then, like…I still have to, like, go in to do a thing real quick; but now I’ve got, like 30 minutes ‘til the meeting? I’ve had no coffee. So I drive to get coffee; I come back. Another reasonable parking space. I do that. Then I have to go to therapy, which—I’m now gonna be out at one o’clock, and I just—I gotta pick up Ellis. By like—I gotta get a parking space by 2:30! What am I doing during that time? Eating Burger King in my car ‘cause I’ve had no food all day. It was so exhausting, and then…to add to, like—that was, like, one of those days where I was like, “This is like an—I can’t—_there’s nothing else I can do today!” Besides drive around and be places for my children. There’s nothing else I could get!
theresa
									
And that’s like [breaks off, laughing.] I mean_—_I appreciate that, like, not every day is like this, and also that, like, you’re an involved parent? So you were doing a great job. But it’s like, there’s also this part of you that’s a little bit, like, “This is a school day.”
theresa
									
Theresa: Like, this is supposed to be one of the days where I’m not doing parent stuff. Biz: My free time! Yeah! Right! Yeah! And instead— Theresa: And somehow it’s, like, even…way harder and way worse than, like, if you just had the kids that day! Biz: Worse! Yeah!
biz
									
Yeah! If I just had the kids, we would all be playing Legend of Zelda. And then in the last bit of impossible news, Wednesday is the “Welcome Back to School,” like, where you get to go in as a parent? You can’t bring the kids. You go as a parent and you see the classrooms and you find out what they’re going to learn.
theresa
									
Like.. Back-To-School Night? Okay. Yeah.
biz
									
Back-To-School Night. Those are the words.
crosstalk
									
Biz: Stefan, uh, just left for Macau. That is— Theresa: Great. Biz: _—_somewhere far away. In China. Theresa: It’s an island. Right? Yeah. Okay. Biz: It’s an island. It’s, like, the Vegas of China.
biz
									
So I have to do one of those things where I have to be in both classes at once!
theresa
									
They don’t have two periods?
biz
									
[Emphatically.] Nope.
theresa
									
What?!
biz
									
[Emphatically.] Yyyep. Which child do I love more? Which I think ties in nicely to what we’re gonna talk about today, ‘cause all I’d really like to do is go… and hide.
theresa
									
[Banjo strums; cheerful banjo music continues through dialogue.] Please_—_take a moment to remember: If you’re friends of the hosts of One Bad Mother, you should assume that when we talk about other moms, we’re talking about you.
biz
									
If you are married to the host of One Bad Mother, we definitely are talking about you.
theresa
									
Nothing we say constitutes professional parenting advice.
biz
									
Biz and Theresa’s children are brilliant, lovely, and exceedingly extraordinary.
theresa
									
Nothing said on this podcast about them implies otherwise. [Banjo music fades out.]
biz
									
Theresa.
theresa
									
Yes.
biz
									
Hiding. We kind of realize that this could be a fun topic, based on a, uh, genius call that we had recently. In which_—during the call—the woman was talking about chocolate in her house; she’s not a fan of chocolate, but somehow she’s responsible for the chocolate, like, hiding the chocolate? ‘Cause her husband’s, like, “Hide this from me or I’m gonna eat it all,” and like, “I have to hide it from the kids,” and I started thinking—hiding! There is a lot of hiding in parenting. Our entire holiday season is based on hiding ourselves…in a bathroom. So I wanted to kind of…uh, explore hiding. And I guess I kinda wanna…go back and do the, like, “When we were kids…”. ‘Cause my first thought right now is—what do I hide from my kids? But then I realize—Oh! I probably hid stuff from my parents! As a kid. So I’m gonna start with, though—_do you remember, like, your parents hiding anything? From you? Yeah.
theresa
									
Well, like, they must have.
biz
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] They were just…good at it? [Laughs wildly.]
theresa
									
Yeah! Like, I don’t think_—_yeah. I think, like…I mean, there was stuff that I got to that I wasn’t supposed to. Like, I remember one time my cousin and I got the chewable, like, Flintstones vitamins?
biz
									
Oh, yeah. I just ate ‘em all.
theresa
									
And we, like, hid in this, like cabinet. [Biz cackles.] Just eating them.
crosstalk
									
Biz: [Makes sound like pressing phone buttons.] Doot doot doot doot doot! Poison control! [Laughs wildly.] Theresa: So like, that’s — yeah.
theresa
									
Yeah, I know. Which_—I don’t think ever happened. [Both make noncommittal sounds for several seconds. Biz cracks up, continues laughing for several seconds.] We’re okay. [Singing]_ My liver is healthy, I think! Um…is it the liver? Kidneys?
crosstalk
									
Biz: I have no idea what they do. They make you strong like horse! [Laughs.] Theresa: I don’t know what it does. I don’t know what it does. [Laughs.] [Both laugh loudly for several seconds. Biz continues laughing as Theresa talks.]
theresa
									
[Inhales deeply, stifles laughter.] I definitely remembered being threatened with getting my stomach pumped? But I don’t remember any action being taken? [Laughs.] [Biz laughs wildly.] Anyways. So…that’s kind of like hiding. I also remember…like, I_—I—I definitely hid, like, food and candy a lot. Like, that was, like, the one—because I remember one time when I was—I must’ve been really young ‘cause I remember the house that we were living in, so I must’ve been, like, under seven. I think, probably. Maybe, like, five or six? And I—I got—[laughs]—my mom had bought a bag of those circus animal cookies? The—_the frosted ones? The pink and white ones with the sprinkles?
crosstalk
									
Biz: Oof. So yummy! So good. Theresa: So good.
theresa
									
And…I hid them in my closet, and I was going in, like, just over and— [Biz laughs.] _—I mean, I really must’ve been so little. Like, I was just—_kept going in. And my mom, like, figured it out right away. Like, “What are you doing in there?” And I guess I got in trouble. But…
biz
									
“Now we’re pumping your stomach!” [Laughs raucously.]
theresa
									
I_—yeah! [Laughs.]_ Yeah.
biz
									
I remember…my mom would hide, like, the “good” candy? The “good” cookies? Meaning_—like—_
theresa
									
What was that? Yeah?
crosstalk
									
Biz: That’s, like, the Pepperidge Farm Milanos? Yeah! Those were not kid’s cookies! Theresa: Those are not to be wasted on children. No. Biz: No! Those are…the good cookies.
biz
									
And those_—I just—only would see them when she was sitting on the couch with the bag next to her. Never—never saw them, like, in the wild anywhere. I mean, I was trying to think, like…they hid stuff, I guess. Or they put stuff—_like you said. They put stuff away, but I found the everything, because what do you do when you’re left at home for the afternoon? You go through all your parents’ stuff! Uh, or at least I did.
theresa
									
Theresa: Yeah, I don’t think I— Biz: And that’s where I found, like, the_—you know. Like [laughs]_ the BB gun.
biz
									
Or Mama’s jewelry. Like, certain jewelry. Right? Like_—or—we didn’t have a lot of alcohol in my house? It was, like, a giant bottle of vodka that never got, like, smaller or bigger? It was just down with the cleaning supplies? [Laughs.] Under…the sink? I hid—most things I think I hid from my siblings. [Knowing tone]_ I mean, I hid all my secrets from my parents.
crosstalk
									
Biz: But, like, you know, diaries_—_yeah. Diaries were hidden. Theresa: Tangible things. Yeah.
biz
									
You know, like, a dirty picture. Like I had a picture of my good friend’s brother naked.
theresa
									
Oh my God! You did?
biz
									
She_—she gave me this picture of, like, it was her older brother. We were like, in eighth grade or something? Ninth grade? And—her older brother—and it’s like, him sitting—it’s like, a Polaroid. It’s a full-on, like Polaroid. And it’s like, him putting his, like, maybe takin’ a sock off or whatever? But he’s like…sitting on the bed? It’s not the best, but it’s—_there’s a penis there! And so that was hidden. And I found it recently, like, in an old folder? Of mine? Which is hilarious.
theresa
									
It is hilarious.
crosstalk
									
Biz: Yeah! So_—that was very nice. Theresa: So you have this picture of this, like, what—like—how old was [breaks off, laughing.] Biz: Like, 18-year-old—_yeah! Theresa: Oh, 18-year-old.
biz
									
Yeah! Yeah! I mean, like…it’s gone now. I mean, I don’t need that in my—
crosstalk
									
Theresa: No, I know! No, I know. It’s just funny. Biz: I know, like it_—_yeah!
theresa
									
It’s funny to think back on, like, ‘cause like, my friend took naked pictures of me when I was a teenager. And like, it’s funny to think that those exist—
crosstalk
									
Biz: In somebody’s folder? Theresa: [Through laughter] Like, I_—yeah! Like, I wouldn’t want to see them now—_you know what I mean? Biz: I know.
biz
									
I don’t think_—_I don’t know if I had any naked photos! Huh. That I’m aware of!
crosstalk
									
Theresa: If you’re out there, and you have a naked photo of Elizabeth when she was a—[breaks off, laughing]. Biz: Shred it! Shred it!
biz
									
Alright? Do not put it on the internet! Also, I would hide things from my sister, like, the remote control. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Biz: Like, if I wanted to be_—if I wanted to use it—_ Theresa: Oh, yeah. That’s smart. Yeah.
biz
									
I would hide it so…she wouldn’t get it first. I don’t remember—
crosstalk
									
Theresa: See, I wasn’t that smart. I was not_—yeah. Biz: We were very competitive in our house. Theresa: I was very—I was raised in a very, like, different. Biz: Different house. [Cackles.]_
theresa
									
Like, I was not_—_I was not raised to hustle. I was not a hustler.
crosstalk
									
Biz: Yeah. That is_—yeah. We—Yeah. No! Yeah! Theresa: Do you know what I mean? Like, I…just really—_
theresa
									
Everything was pretty…out in the open. [Biz laughs wildly, continues while Theresa talks.] Everybody was supposed to, like, help each other, and tell the truth all the time.
biz
									
Oh! Everything is secrets. [Laughs.]
theresa
									
I wasn’t_—and I also felt very responsible for being, like, the oldest sibling and like, taking care of the younger siblings and, like, teaching them things? And setting a good example? [Biz laughs.] So like, I feel like I [breaks off, laughing]. Like, not that I did that all the time! Like, my sister and I fought sometimes and stuff, but like—I don’t think I was smart enough to be, like, “I’m gonna”—like—_
biz
									
The need to manipulate was not there! [Laughs.]
theresa
									
But_—but also, like, my sister used to—my sister and I had, like, a big blowout when we were teenagers, because she would borrow my stuff, and then either not give it back or, like, mess it up and return it—_like, she borrowed like a pair of my shoes and went hiking in them and just, like, returned them muddy in my closet? 
biz
									
Like, super gross? [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Like, as though…as_—and it—she’d never—_ Biz: Hide them in plain sight! Yeah! Theresa: Yeah! Exactly!
theresa
									
And like…but like_—it never would’ve occurred to me to, like, hide my stuff from her? To—do you know what I mean? Like…I was mad that she did that, but I never would’ve been like, “Oh, this is my good blah blah blah, I gotta, like, keep this”—_I don’t know!
biz
									
Hidden somewhere.
theresa
									
I don’t know!
biz
									
Yeah, I can remember_—there were lots of things I think that weren’t hidden, they just were in areas we weren’t supposed to go. But, you know. Anyway. So that’s—_okay. Now…we’re parents.
theresa
									
Yes.
biz
									
Do…you…like, let’s start with us.
theresa
									
Okay.
biz
									
Do we hide things.
theresa
									
Mm.
biz
									
I was like, “Stefan? Do we hide things?” [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Biz: He’s like, “We have that box of, like, you know, our old sex box,” but it’s like_—got a lock on it. Theresa: Oh, yeah! We have a bag! Yeah. [Laughs.]_
biz
									
That’s like, so hidden, and so far away, right? That we don’t even open that box up. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Mine is way too accessible. It’s_—it’s—I don’t know why— Biz: Yeah, mine—_
theresa
									
I’m just, like…this_—every time I see it, I’m like, “This shouldn’t be here.” It’s too—it’s gonna be—[laughs]_.
biz
									
Yeah. And ours is in, like, this beautiful, ornate box that anybody would want to open?
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Oh! They’d open it! Yeah! It’s like a treasure! Yeah! [Laughs, and continues laughing while Biz speaks.] Biz: You’d be like, “Look at this beautiful box!” It is a treasure!
biz
									
It’s a treasure. [Through laughter.] That one night we’ll reopen. But, that said_—y’know, there’s an item or two in the bedside table. [Theresa laughs quietly throughout.] That, I’m like, that’s easily—like, Katy Belle has seen some stuff in the bedside table, and I know she’s gonna ask, ‘cause she almost asked one day and I was like, “I don’t really wanna get into this right now.” [Theresa bursts into laughter.] Like, I just—I was like—I’m not, like, anti-letting her know, but I’m also, like, “Well…I’ve told her a lot about sex, but I’m not ready to talk about female pleasure.” [Cackles wildly.] I don’t know!!! But she’s gonna ask, and what am I gonna, like…like, I’m gonna tell her whatever she fucking wants to know. But I just am like… “Ehh! Some things can be a mystery a little longer.” Anyhoo— [Theresa laughs.]_ Uh, I now have to hide my pocketknives. Yeah, ‘cause, y’know, we’ve already learned that lesson.
crosstalk
									
Biz: I do hide candy that I do not want children to ask me for. Theresa: Me, too. Me too.
biz
									
Y’know? Yeah. I hide…money. That I don’t want them to, just take.
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Yep. I hide…their stuff. From them. More than anything else. Biz: Yeah! All_—that’s a—I—_that’s a really good one.
theresa
									
Because it’s like…something that I’m like, I’m_—I can’t make the decision this quickly to, like, throw it away? Some—some things I do throw away. But like, something of theirs that’s like, really theirs, that I really shouldn’t just throw away? [Biz chuckles.] But like, I’m just so tired of seeing it out? Or like, tripping over it, or like the way that they play with it bothers me? [Laughs.] [Biz makes disgusted noise.] [Through laughter] So I don’t want—do you know what I mean? So like, I just—_there’s little…pockets of my house where I have shoved things.
biz
									
Like a little squirrel!
theresa
									
Yeah. [Laughs.]
biz
									
Like a little chipmunk stowing it away for sanity! Yeah, I hide a lot of that stuff just in the garbage. [Cackles.]
theresa
									
Yeah! Oh yeah. That’s for sure.
biz
									
Ugh! Yeah, that’s good! I_—that is—_have your kids ever busted you for hiding something?
theresa
									
No, but…they have found the stuff and been like, “My blah blah blah!” [Biz laughs wildly.] And they’re all just like so delighted and I’m like—
biz
									
[Mimicking child’s excitement] Ohhhhh! [Laughs; continued laughing through Theresa’s next few lines.]
theresa
									
I’m like, [with fake enthusiasm] “Okay! Cool! Great!” [Laughs.] You’ve_—I guess—_
biz
									
Good finding!
theresa
									
_—_we found that!
biz
									
That’s great. [Laughs.] Look over there! Where’d it go? I don’t know; you must’ve lost it again! [Theresa laughs.] Okay. I remember…as a child. Thinking everything that I hid or did in a hidden manner made a great deal of sense. Now as an adult, when I find my children have hidden something, I find it absurd and possibly pathological. [Bursts into laughter.] Sometimes. [Theresa laughs.] I’m like_—we had this friend of Katy Belle’s—they were like, four?—and so it was Katy Belle and her friend and we used to hang out with his parents. And they were over, y’know, one afternoon for like a barbecue, and then Stefan and I were inside for a second—‘cause usually everybody was outside—_and we found this kid behind a closet door, just, like, shovin’ candy bars in his mouth.
theresa
									
Oh my gosh. Amazing.
biz
									
And I was like…and it’s not like we were, like_—no one had said, as far as I’m aware, to this kid, “You can’t have candy bars.” But it was like, one of those things where I’m like, “What am I supposed to do?” Is it, like, one of those—_you find the kid hiding and you just kinda put the door back where it was and keep moving?
crosstalk
									
Theresa Yeah, you’re just like, let’s just let this be what it is. Yeah. Biz: Or not? I dunno. Like…
biz
									
But it also struck us as hilarious. Because it was so surprising. We weren’t expecting that! That day. [Giggles.]
theresa
									
And_—it’s just like—_it’s funny because it’s okay?
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Like, it’s not like he was, like, smoking a joint or something? Like, it’s_—it’s just candy bars! Like, that’s so kind of, like, innocent and… Biz: Yeah, [inaudible] five! Yeah, exactly! He had, like—yeah. It’s just like these—_I know.
biz
									
So_—but there’s a whole thing about kids hiding candy! And eating it! We found…we kept finding these, like, Starburst wrappers in Katy Belle’s room? And we were like—and she was probably like, five? Or six? And we were like—Katy Belle? What’s up with these? She’s like, [nonchalantly] “Nothing.” And then, like, later she came to us and she was like, “Grandpapa”—my father—king of the hustle—_had given her a thing of Starburst and was like, “Here you go! Don’t tell anybody!”
theresa
									
Oh my God.
biz
									
And so she had had them under her pillow and then was like, eating them at night and Stefan and I were like, “Okay. Two things.” [Laughs.] “One, you may have the Starburst. Our problem is eating it after you’ve brushed teeth. Before bed.”
biz
									
Yeah! Or_—and—_how about not telling you.
crosstalk
									
Biz: And not_—well, yes! And not telling us. Theresa: Like—_yeah.
biz
									
“Two—” [Mimics dialing telephone] Beep boop boop boop boop boop boop!
crosstalk
									
Biz: “Grandparents…could you, uh, not ask my children [breaks off, laughing] to keep secrets?” That’s like, a big one. Theresa: [Through laughter.] Yeah. Yeah. To keep secrets? We don’t do that anymore. Yeah. [Laughs.] Yeah. Yeah. That’s amazing. Biz: We’re really trying to, like…not do the secret thing in that manner?
biz
									
Yeah! Like, Ellis will also just like hide shit. He’ll just, like, take stuff of Katy_—_they went through a phase where he took stuff of Katy Belle’s and then just hid it. And then couldn’t remember where any of that was.
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Oh, that’s_—I think—_ Biz: That was awful.
theresa
									
I think my kids_—the stuff that they hide—well, actually? I don’t think Oscar—again, Oscar takes after his mother. And does not—_
biz
									
He’s so trusting. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Theresa: He’s_—he’s not thinking about, like, hiding something or getting ahead in life. Biz: Secrets? [Laughs.]_
theresa
									
He’s just being Oscar. And that’s great. But Grace, she will hide stuff that she doesn’t wanna clean up?
biz
									
Ohhhh yes! [Gasps.]
theresa
									
That’s_—that’s a big one for—_yeah.
biz
									
She’s a child after my own heart!.
theresa
									
Yeah, like_—but it’s like—it’s—but this is like the absurd territory of like—it’s dirty socks, and rather than putting them in the hamper, just hide them under the couch. [Biz giggles, then laughter escalates.]_ Do you know what I mean?
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Like, it’s like_—it’s—it’s just, like, wherever I can get them out of sight so that I don’t have to walk into the next room and put them in the hamper. Biz: Like a little squirrel! Putting [breaks off, laughing.]_ I do! I do. Yeah.
biz
									
Oh my gosh. That is what I used to_—_my parents were like, “Clean your room?” I would just hide everything under the bed!
theresa
									
Hide stuff. I mean, that is a form of cleaning.
biz
									
It’s a form of hiding. [Theresa bursts out laughing.] Because my parents would come in and they’d pull up that, like_—_y’know, the bed skirt and be like, “Uh, you’re not coming out of this room ‘til this is all put away!” Yeah. And then I think that started my love affair with hiding things in the trash can.
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Yeah. Yeah. At least I don’t have to look at it here. Biz: Goodbye! Yeah!
biz
									
Katy Belle has started hiding, like, her journal diary. So, y’know. I know exactly where it is.
theresa
									
Good.
biz
									
Yeah. How much respect will you have for the hiding of things?
theresa
									
[Theresa breaths in; sighs deeply.] More than you? [Both burst into loud laughter that continues for several seconds.]
music
									
“Ones & Zeroes” by Awesome. Steady, driving electric guitar with drum and woodwinds. [Music fades out.]
biz
									
[Chill acoustic guitar; continues through dialogue.] One Bad Mother is brought to you in part by Care.com.
theresa
									
Care.com is the easy and reliable way to find care for everyone in your family, when and where you need it! Biz and I both have premium memberships. What was amazing is_—_typing in my zip code, I just found so many available sitters near my home. And with a premium membership, Care.com gives you the tools to access background checks, reference checks, qualifications, and certifications when you’re searching for a potential caregiver.
biz
									
At Care.com, you can find care for everyone in the family, whether it’s childcare, pet care, housekeepers, tutors, errand-runners, and senior care! To save 30% off a Care.com premium membership, visit Care.com/mother when you subscribe! That’s Care.com/mother for 30% off a premium membership. [Guitar fades out.]
theresa
									
Hey, you know what it’s time for! This week’s genius and fails! This is the part of the show where we share our genius moment of the week, as well as our failures, and feel better about ourselves by hearing yours! You can share some of your own by calling 206-350-9485. That’s 206-350-9485.
biz
									
Genius fail time, Theresa. Genius me!
clip
									
Biz: Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did! Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow! You, mom, are a genius. Oh my God, that’s fucking genius!
theresa
									
Okay. This is one of those, like, momming up moments. So_—Jesse and Grace went away, not last weekend but the weekend before. And they had lots of adventures and there was like a big, like, thing where they—when they were getting to the airport to come home, they, like, got on a train that said it was going one place but it was really going somewhere else and they ended up on the other side of the bay, and they had to, like, do all this craziness to get to the airport on time. And they did. And they made it home, and Jesse—to, like, help Grace through that, like, insanity? Without her freaking out? Promised her…like, that he would, on Monday, come home and bring her ice cream. And they would have ice cream. To, like, reward her. ‘Cause by the time they got home it was gonna be too late. And so—she was all excited about that, and like, looking forward to it and blah blah blah blah blah. And then on Monday, Jesse had, like, a whole crazy thing happen at work and was like, totally out of commission. Like, he was—completely—like, I had—and I knew. I was aware. I knew what was going on with him, and I was just, like—as—as it was like getting to be the point in the day where he would come home? I was just like, “I…don’t think there’s any way that that’s happening.” But Grace—but we hadn’t talked about it ‘cause we were busy dealing with other things! And Grace is, like, skipping around the house going like, “Is Daddy home yet?! He’s gonna bring me ice cream!” [Biz laughs.] Like—blah blah blah blah blah! [Biz makes anxious noise.]_
theresa
									
And like, all excited. And so…I…started mentally planning_—what am I going to do if he comes home with no ice cream? And it just so happened that I had bought, like, grown-up ice cream a couple nights before? And it’s like, salted peanut butter or something like—_
biz
									
Yum.
theresa
									
Something that like…I really like, but like, I don’t think_—and I’m like, well, y’know, I don’t know if Daddy’s going to buy ice cream ‘cause we have ice cream! She’s like, “What kind is it? Is it chocolate?” [Biz laughs.] Like, y’know? Like, just immediately like—it’s—_she can tell. She can see right through me.
biz
									
She knows.
theresa
									
Y’know?
biz
									
No secrets from Grace! [Laughs wildly.]
theresa
									
Yeah. No. [Laughs.] And—[breaks off laughing.] And…um, and I’m like, “Oh! It’s uh…it’s peanut butter!” Y’know, like. And she’s like, “Mm…no thanks.” And I’m like, okay. So sure enough, Jesse comes home and he’s like…he cannot even speak words to anyone. Like, he just walks_—he’s not available. Do you know what I’m saying? And I…instead of being…one way about that, which I could have been—_
biz
									
Could’ve easily been one way!
theresa
									
I could’ve been one way! Instead, I was another way.
biz
									
Oh! What way is that? [Laughs.]
theresa
									
[Through laughter] That way…was that I was like, “Okay, everybody! We’re gonna do a_—a blind taste-test of sweet treats, and decide which one everybody wants!” And of course, everybody was immediately— [Biz makes noise of surprised awe.] —compelled. And everybody came over and they sat down in the kitchen and I made them close their eyes. And of course one of the things they tasted was the peanut butter ice cream, ‘cause that was pretty much all I had to work with. I found an old It’s-It in the back of the freezer that had, um—_
biz
									
Ohhhhh!
theresa
									
Mint? Mint ice cream in it? And I just_—hid—hid!—cutting it open behind the freezer, and gave them little spoonfuls of that and that was mint—_the mint ice cream, and so they got to pick which one do they want.
biz
									
Wow!
theresa
									
And…Grace loved it, and she chose the mint, which was fine ‘cause I had, like, just barely enough for like, a tiny_—_I was like, “Oh yeah!”
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Kids don’t_—kids only eat a tiny amount of ice cream! Biz: They don’t need—yeah! [Laughs.]_
theresa
									
So like, whatever I_—it just like, worked—I did it, and like, they never figured out that it was an Its-It; they never figured—like, they—_
biz
									
Wow.
theresa
									
_—never figured out that, like, Jesse hadn’t brought the stuff? I was like—and I made a big deal out of it, like, “Let’s all say thanks to Grace because it’s because of her effort going to the airport”—_
biz
									
[In amazement] Ohhhh!
theresa
									
—“that we get to have this, like, special treat right now!” And like, made it festive_—_I mean!
biz
									
Wow!
crosstalk
									
Theresa: I just did it. I was like, you know what? Biz: You did it!
theresa
									
He can’t do it right now; I’m gonna do it. Yeah.
biz
									
Good job, Theresa!
theresa
									
Thank you.
biz
									
That is a really, really good job.
theresa
									
Thanks, Biz.
biz
									
Stefan and I celebrated our eleventh wedding anniversary!
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Wow! Awww! Congratulations! Biz: I know. Thank you!
biz
									
And we could not go out. We could not get a sitter for when we wanted to go out. And so…we…remembered that we could make our own dinner. And put everybody to bed. So we did, like…Ellis goes down around, like, 7:30? And…Katy Belle I just flat-out said, “Katy Belle, it’s our anniversary”_—she’s old enough to understand—“uh, your father and I are gonna have a date night at home; we’re gonna cook our own food and, like, have wine and listen to nice music and just…we—_you’re gonna go to bed and read.”
theresa
									
Yes!
biz
									
And she was like, “Got it.” [Theresa gasps.] And like_—with—_
theresa
									
[Amazed] I love it!
biz
									
And when we’re about to sit down to eat, she’s like, “I’m only out here for one second, ‘cause I need to set the mood.” [Theresa laughs.] And she played Taylor Swift’s new song, “Lover”? [Laughs.] And then she like, [knowing tone] “Enjoy.” And she like—[breaks off, laughing wildly.] [Theresa cracks up. They both laugh for several seconds.]
crosstalk
									
Biz: Uh, it was_—_so darling. Theresa: So cute. Biz: And we had, like, such a nice time! Theresa: That’s great! Biz: We really did. Theresa: Good. Job. Biz: So…thank you.
caller
									
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa! This is a genius. Uh, last weekend our dryer stopped working, and this week while I was heading home from work I remembered that that was a thing. And stopped at the bank to get quarters, assuming I was gonna have to go to the laundromat at some point. And tonight when my husband got home from work I told him that he could put our two toddlers down and I had already gotten the baby to sleep, and I went to the laundromat! And I spent about an hour reading a book and waiting for our laundry to get done, and now I’m home and all of my kids are asleep and I’ve dealt with that big issue that_—at some point we’ll get to actually repairing the machine, but for now I got a little break and was prepared enough to take that break, and it was—_it was very nice. So. You’re doing a great job; thank you for the show. Thank you for letting me call in. Bye.
biz
									
It’s so great!
theresa
									
Yeah! I—
biz
									
Yeah! You’re_—_a genius!
theresa
									
I’m so impressed!
crosstalk
									
Biz: This could easily have fallen the other way, the old— Theresa: Oh, yeah! A rant! Yeah! Biz: _—y’know—“Okay, now I’ve gotta go”—yeah! A “then I had to go to the laundromat and then I came home and all the kids were awake!’ Theresa: Yeah! Biz: And like [breaks off, laughing]. Theresa: Yeah, yeah! Yeah! Biz: “And I was up all night!’ And it was—Yeah! Of course! Do laundry! As opposed to, “Oh, I have to go to the laundromat!” All about switching that story. Theresa: Or just the stress of, like, “Of course.” Of “Now I have to—go out and do this other thing.” And like—_yeah. Yeah! “Excuse me!” Yeah! Biz: Good…job. Theresa: So good.
biz
									
I love it. You’re the happiest woman at the laundromat.
theresa
									
Yeah. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.]
biz
									
Failures.
clip
									
[Dramatic orchestral music in the background.] Theresa: Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL! [Drum.] Biz: [Calmly.] You suck!
biz
									
Fail me, Theresa.
theresa
									
So…for kindergarten, they have this system where you_—_the kids drop off their snacks, their two snacks in two snack bins in the morning? So it’s like, out of their lunch already in the morning.
biz
									
Oh, that’s kinda smart!
theresa
									
So_—yeah! And…so—so, when I’m making Oscar’s lunch, I make a lunch and then I pick out two things to be a snack, and I put his name on each of those things, and those go in, like, a pocket in his backpack. So when he gets to school, he knows to deliver the snacks. [Deep breath.] And…one of those snacks—team pouch—is GoGo squeeZes a lot of times. Um, and I’m sorry for using an actual brand name. They don’t sponsor the show or anything. [Biz laughs.] But that’s just how—_that happens to be the one that we’ve been getting. But it’s relevant to the story!
biz
									
Okay. [Laughs.]
theresa
									
So…so I was packing the snacks, and as I was packing Oscar’s GoGo squeeZ for one of his snacks, and going to write his name on it, I realized that it was like the last one and we needed to get more. And so I went to write “GoGo squeeZes” on the shopping list—
biz
									
Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Theresa: And…then, when I was packing the snacks, I noticed that instead of writing Oscar’s name on the pouch, I wrote “GoGo squeeZ.” Biz: [Overlapping] GoGo squeeZ.
biz
									
Yeah, you did. [Giggles.]
theresa
									
On the pouch. [Laughs.] [Biz cracks up.]
biz
									
Did you? [Laughs.]
theresa
									
So…here’s GoGo squeeZ’s snack for the day.
crosstalk
									
Theresa: I hope the teachers have a good time figuring out who that’s for. Biz: Figuring out? [Laughs.]
biz
									
Did you write “Oscar” on the grocery list? [Theresa bursts into laughter.] Gotta pick up some extra Oscars! We’re all out of Oscars! Yeah! Oh yeah!
crosstalk
									
Theresa: The full thing! Biz: Full thing! Theresa: Wrote it all the way, went to put it away. Yeah! Totally! Wrote it all the way out. Yep! Biz: GoGo squeeZ! Wow. Yay!
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Here we go. That’s what this is! I wrote that on it, so that people would know what it is! Biz: That’s what this—[breaks off, laughing]. This is a_—up for grabs! [Laughs.]_
biz
									
Anybody could have the—“Is there a GoGo squeeZ here?” [Theresa laughs.] “Anyone named GoGo squeeZ? Gogo? SqueeZ?” [Theresa laughs harder.] Well, your brain doesn’t work anymore. So—
theresa
									
Nope!
biz
									
Congratulations! [Laughs.]
theresa
									
Thanks. [Laughs.]
biz
									
Okay. So…in the summer, we did, uh, a hot dog summer. Some of you may remember; this was a little movie series in our backyard. Very laid-back. Come with your kids; there’s gonna be hot dogs or_—and you can bring stuff to grill. Very laid-back and fun. Now, it’s October—or almost October—and so we started “Hot Dog Summer Presents:”—obviously—“Halloweiners.” [Laughs.]_ We’re gonna show spooky movies in the back, and we’re gonna try and keep ‘em a little kid-friendly. And we decided that we would start with the original 1958 The Blob.
theresa
									
Mm-hm.
biz
									
Because it’s absurd.
theresa
									
Mm-hm!
biz
									
It’s a blob. It’s just a blob.
theresa
									
It’s a blob.
crosstalk
									
Biz: It’s a blob. And it’s the 1958 version, so, like_—it’s—like—_somebody’s squirting goop through, like…a miniature movie theater. Theresa: Yeah. They’re not as good at being scary. Yeah. Yeah.
biz
									
Right? Like…it’s not good. [Theresa laughs.] Uh, we show the kids_—oh, the movie, by the way—amazingly—but that’s like, a different podcast. Okay. But I showed the trailer to both kids; they’re both like, “Yep.” Ellis is like, “Yep!” We get the movie going in the backyard, and…I was wrong. It is, uh, scary for Ellis! And…we got through, like, the first—the second person being, like, eaten by The Blob, and he was like, “I want to go to bed.” And I said, “Okay!” So we went in, and I tuck him in and like…I—it’s not real, meteor—blobs don’t come from meteors, blah blah blah. He…was up, uh— [Theresa sighs.] —until maybe 10:30, going, like…every…little bit, waking up, yelling and screaming. And then he was just mad ‘cause he couldn’t get to sleep. And [tragic kid voice] “The Blob is no good! Hot—_Hot Dog Summer I guess is over for me! I can’t do Halloweiners!” And I’m like, “Oh my God. My heart is breaking.” And, uh, then around midnight, I woke up to him standing next to the bed, and I was just like, “Get in the bed. Get in.” And then that night was a wash for me.
theresa
									
Yeah, I bet.
biz
									
So…that…was bad!
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Ugh, I’m so sorry. Ugh. Yeah. Biz: Yeah! Yeah. Yeah. Trying to have a little fun.
theresa
									
It happens!
biz
									
It does.
theresa
									
Yeah.
biz
									
Oh, well!
caller
									
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi. I’m calling with a fail. I’m the mom who gave her 15-month-old a brownie to walk around with. Because I didn’t think that brownies could get into that many places. Well, clearly I was wrong. It’s three days later, and my son is still coming to me with pieces of brownie! And I’m not talking crumbs. I’m talking big pieces of brownie! I only gave him one, but I swear he’s returned five brownies to me! I_—_I don’t know where the brownies all came from, but clearly I’m doing something wrong in giving my kid a brownie. You’re all doing a great job. Love the show.
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Yeah. Biz: Yeah. Theresa: I can see this.
biz
									
I_—what I like about this is…it clearly, somebody has hidden some other brownies. [Cackles.]_
theresa
									
Yeah! [Laughs.]
biz
									
I like that she’s like, “It’s not crumbs. It’s like, whole brownies_—five brownies have come back.” [Theresa laughs.] Yeah. And there’s probably more. I mean—do we know if the brownies that are coming back are from this batch of brownies? [Theresa laughs.]_ Or…are these, like, older brownies that may have been hidden for, like, a reason?
theresa
									
Yeah! And maybe, when he_—you made the new brownies, it reminded him about the old ones that he’d stowed away! [Laughs.]_
biz
									
I got brownies everywhere! I got brownies for days. Hidden in this house. Well…you’re doing a horrible job. You were wrong! Brownies can go everywhere! Ugh!
theresa
									
It won’t be fine.
biz
									
It won’t ever be okay again. [Laughs.]
music
									
“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Mellow piano music with lyrics. You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known I love you, I love you When I have a problem, I call you on the phone I love you, I love you [Music fades out.]
theresa
									
[Jazzy piano music begins, continues through dialogue.] One Bad Mother is supported in part by Michelin.
biz
									
Da-da-da-da-da-DA! You know the story! You’re driving; your kids are in the backseat arguing over any and everything. [Laughs.] Possibly there’s some punching. You turn around real quick to try and break it up, and when you look back at the road, there’s suddenly a car inches away from your bumper. You slam on the brakes, hoping to stop in time. You want tires that perform well with every stop! And that’s where Michelin comes in. You also want kids to stop [volume escalates] fighting over the armrest!
theresa
									
[Through giggles.] When worn Michelin Premier All-Season Tires come to a complete stop, some other worn tires are still traveling over 15 miles per hour. So next time when you’re looking for new tires for the family car, consider Michelin Premier All-Season Tires. Michelin: Performance Every Time. [Music fades out.]
biz
									
Hey, Theresa! Let’s call someone today!
music
									
[Up-tempo acoustic guitar with choral “ahhs” in background.]
biz
									
Today we are calling Jessica Delfino, who is a long-time New York City comedian, musician, and writer. After having her son, she began freelance writing for Mommy Nearest, Mommyish, and wrote a weekly column for High Times for a year. You can also find her writings in The Atlantic, Self, Huffington Post, The New York Times, McSweeney’s and more! Welcome, Jessica!
jessica delfino
									
Hooray! Hi! Thank you!
crosstalk
									
Biz: [Laughs.] [Cheering] Wooo! Theresa: Yay!
crosstalk
									
Jessica: That was such a great introduction! In that— Biz: Ooooh! Well, thank you! [Laughs.]
biz
									
That’s it! Goodbye! [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.]
jessica
									
Okay. See you later.
biz
									
Um_—yep. That’s all. Let’s start with: who lives in your house? I can hear one. [Theresa laughs.]_ I can hear somebody else who lives in your house in the background.
jessica
									
That’s so funny. I am completely alone right now, hiding under my bed. No one— [Biz laughs.] No, actually, I’m kidding. I’m_—_I’m calling from my office right now. I got to break away. I assigned my husband to baby duty. I have a son and a cat and a husband. So that’s who lives in my home.
biz
									
How old is your baby?
jessica
									
He just turned three.
biz
									
Wooo! [Singsong voice] He ain’t no baby no more! [Laughs.] Not really a baby. He’s not a baby anymore.
biz
									
He’s a toddler. He’s toddling. [Laughs.]
jessica
									
He’s toddling about. Yup. [Laughs.]
biz
									
More important_—how old is your cat? [Laughs.]_
jessica
									
Oh! That is a good question.
biz
									
Yeah!
crosstalk
									
Jessica: I think she’s_—_I think she’s eleven this year. She’s getting old. Biz: Oh, babe.
biz
									
Baby. What is your cat’s name? I have to know. [Laughs.]
jessica
									
Her name is Miss Puss.
biz
									
[Gasps.] Miss Puss? [Laughs.] [High-pitched voice] Miss Puss??? Very good. That’s it! Goodbye! Now— [Theresa laughs.]
jessica
									
Okay. [Laughs.]
biz
									
Uh…let’s_—you know—_
jessica
									
Thanks for the call.
biz
									
Let’s_—actually, I wanna talk a little bit about comedy and parenting, ‘cause the—strangely, they’re not a natural fit right off the bat. You were—you know, you did a lot of standup, and that involves a lot of nighttime. Uh, people don’t enjoy the standup at two in the afternoon—as much—_
jessica
									
Uh-huh. As well.
biz
									
Yeah.
jessica
									
They don’t like it as well.
biz
									
And then…you have a kid. I mean, even just with pregnancy, I was pregnant in New York with my first, and I remember just being like, “Ah. Fucking goodbye, comedy career! I have zero desire in you anymore.” [Jessica laughs.]
jessica
									
[Biz agrees with Jessica throughout.] So true. I remember being, um, a comedian in the city on the move, in all the spots, on the scene, and uh_—and hearing that people—other comedians were pregnant and was like, “Yes!” You know what I mean? “One less person to have to worry about in this rat race!” It was—it was like a relief, you know, almost, because it—everyone knows that—what are you gonna do? Bring your baby to the comedy show? I mean, it just doesn’t usually—_it’s not, like you say, a natural fit.
biz
									
Yeah, so how was that transition for you?
jessica
									
[Biz agrees with Jessica throughout.] It was a little rough, I have to admit! I fell into some hard PPD/PPA. Pretty_—pretty rough. Feet first, if you will, right into a bucket of it. And—you know—I—I wasn’t expecting the kind of isolation that comes with, uh—you know, it’s—it’s funny, because being a standup, being comedian, is kind of a loner world? In a way? You’re alone a lot; you’re writing a lot; you’re, you know, alone writing; you’re onstage, oftentimes alone. I know that, you know, some people do sketch and—you know—work with groups? But I—I was a loner. But then when I had a baby I became even more of a loner, which was like—I didn’t know that that was possible, that I could get more alone? [Laughs.] I mean, than I already was, kind of, doing. But yeah! It was—it was like, me and babe, all the time, and I was just like…wow. This is really—this is—like, because the baby doesn’t talk to you. You know what I mean? There’s just—it’s—_a lot of silence. It’s almost like being in solitary confinement, but then you also have to feed someone. All the time.
biz
									
[Laughs.] Yeah! [Theresa laughs.] Well, and like you were saying, the_—you know, as a writer or performer, you’re used to, like, using that alone time definitely has a different feel than when there’s suddenly a baby there, because I—I remember—learning this lesson of like, okay. In New York, it’s very easy to walk from one end of Manhattan to the other and not think twice about how far you have walked. K? You’re just like, “I’m out walking! I’m getting from A to B!” And then…I go visit my parents in Alabama, and like…to get from their house to the Starbucks is probably…really just a couple of New York City blocks? [Laughs.] And I’m like, [winded voice]_ “I am so fucking tired!”
crosstalk
									
Biz: I am like— Jessica: Yeah. True that. [Laughs.] Biz: _—_this is not the same walking!
biz
									
How is this not the same walking? And I feel like—
jessica
									
Call an Uber.
biz
									
Yeah! Yeah. [Laughs.] Exactly. But I guess that’s…y’know. I think that is a surprise for people, that like…oh! Well, I’ll still be home! I’ll still be able to do all this writing! And then…
jessica
									
[Biz agrees with Jessica throughout.] Oh, I was in a_—I lived in a fantasy world. I was, like, “I’m just gonna bring my baby with me in a carrier and we’re gonna go onstage and it’s gonna be great.” I mean, I was, like, I was in a—I was like, a cuckoo, just like in another—on another planet. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs.] And—and when—then I was like, “Oh, wait a minute! I—I’m not going anywhere. For a long time.” Um…with—when that kinda hit me, I was like, “I gotta find some kind of an outlet, or else I’m literally gonna lose my space.” And, y’know, then I just started trying to write as much as I could. And that was a—that was a savior, y’know, for me. To be able to do that. Thankfully, I had that. That one in the ol’ toolbox or, you know, or else…I don’t know where I’d be right now. [Laughs.]_
biz
									
Yeah, well, just_—probably in, y’know, therapy like the rest of us. [Bursts out laughing.] [Theresa laughs.]_
jessica
									
Right, yeah. [Laughs.]
biz
									
Y’know. Playing to the five-year-old set.
theresa
									
[Biz agrees with Theresa throughout. Jessica also agrees with Theresa occasionally.] I mean, it’s also the lack of the…feedback. Right? Like_—I feel like if you’re going out and doing shows every night or a few nights a week or something, you at least get that chance to—even if you’re not engaged in a [laughs] two-way conversation with someone, you get a response from the audience. You know. And like—it’s the same with, I feel like—writing at least—that, as an outlet, you maybe hear back from people? [Through laughter] [Biz laughs wildly; Jessica chuckles.] Like—_I feel like that is a big part of it. And we’ve talked about that on the show a bunch. Like when you have a baby, you’re doing all this work and you’re doing amazing stuff?
crosstalk
									
Biz: There’s no-one. Yeah! No one gives two shits. [Laughs wildly.] [Jessica laughs quietly.] Theresa: But there’s no-one to, like, see you do that? And like, say, like, “Whoa! That was amazing!” or “Whoa, that was cool!” or like, “Oh that was hard!” Like_—or like—yeah! Yeah! Biz: Wow! That’s really awful but you had to do that today! I see you! Theresa: Or “You’re getting better at that!” Like—[breaks off, laughing.] Biz: Yeah. [Laughs wildly.] [Jessica laughs appreciatively.]_
biz
									
Yeah_—that—yeah. And then—_yeah, no one actually really cares.
jessica
									
[Biz and Theresa agree emphatically throughout.] I think that’s why_—_that’s how Instagram has gotten so successful! Is because all these people are like, “Look! Look! I did it! I made the baby eat the milk!” y’know, or whatever.
biz
									
Yeah, that’s true. That’s_—that’s not what my Instagram looks like. [Laughs wildly.] [Jessica and Theresa laughs.]_
crosstalk
									
Jessica: No, no. Not_—not mine, either. Biz: Mine’s like—[breaks off, laughing.]_
jessica
									
I’ve_—I’ve—I’ve kept—I’ve pretty much left it—it—it looks like I’m just living the same life I always have been on my Instagram. For some reason. A big secret. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs appreciatively.]_
biz
									
I wanna talk about one of the…articles you wrote for Self.com about childbirth pain. And…y’know, how some people tend to forget it, and others do not. You mention that it hasn’t really been studied, but you talk with multiple people about their different experiences. I could ask this question for a million topics: “Before you had a kid, what did you think this was gonna be like?” [Jessica laughs.] “After you had a kid, was it?” I keep waiting for somebody to be like, “It was exactly like I thought it was gonna be!” [Theresa laughs. Jessica joins in.] “I was totally right!” Um—
jessica
									
I would love that.
biz
									
Yeah, but what_—what did—what was your perception about, like…pain and pregnancy and has that changed? [Cackles.]_
jessica
									
[Biz affirms Jessica throughout.] No, I thought_—y’know, I—I—thought it was gonna really hurt a lot. I went in, like, y’know—for—for eight-and-a-half or so months, I was—I was on a happy, happy cloud. I didn’t—I didn’t vomit. I didn’t have any problems, you know, no complications. It was just like, “La la laaa!” [Biz giggles.] “I’m on a big happy endorphin happy mommy pregnant happy times! Everything’s great!” Y’know. “I’m gonna start my family,” y’know, just like—[breaks off, laughing.] [Biz and Theresa laugh.] As—and—and then—and then at like, eight-and-three-quarters, I was like, “Wait. Oh. This baby has to come out. Shit. Oh, yeah. That’s a thing that has to happen. And that’s…gonna suck.” And, um, and then, you know, and then it came out really, like, last-minute kind of thing where I went in for one of my final mom exams and—and the guy was like, “Hey! You’re out of amniotic fluid; like, it’s gone. Uh, so…we gotta get this baby out.” And I was like, “Great! I’ll be back next week, no problem!” And he was like, “No, I mean today.” [Biz gasps.]_
biz
									
Wow.
jessica
									
And so, you know_—I—I had—I had a c-section. So—so I—in a sense, I kind of was like, a c-section, you know, it was not exactly a picnic either, but—I was legally allowed to have a baby high on, um— [Biz chuckles; laughter escalates as Jessica continues.] —y’know, like, drugs! Like—like, real, like good drugs! Like, on morphine! I had a baby legally on morphine! [Biz and Theresa both laugh at length.]_ Now, usually if you have a baby on morphine, they take it away!
biz
									
Yeah! They do! [Theresa continues to laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Jessica: Because they’re like_—_nope, you can’t do that! Biz: That’s amazing.
jessica
									
But they were like, “Would you like some morphine?” I was like, “I_—yeah! Please! More morphine, please!” [Biz and Theresa laugh wildly. Theresa can barely catch her breath.]_
biz
									
More, please! Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Jessica: Yeah! So— Biz: Yeah, I—
biz
									
[Through laughter.] Yeah, I just wanna break for just a second because_—like you said, y’know, it—there’s plenty that goes along with the c-section. But I do like the idea of, “Phew! At least I don’t have to deal with whatever I thought the pain was gonna be of pushing a child out of my vagina!” Y’know? Like—_
jessica
									
Right.
biz
									
“That?! Whooo! Just cut me open and I can’t move for several weeks!” [Theresa laughs.] Y’know? The_—like—[breaks off, laughing.]_
crosstalk
									
Jessica: And then afterwards, yeah. No, it was a nightmare after. After. Biz: Yeah, exactly!
jessica
									
I mean [laughs] like, a week, uh_—no, not a week. Maybe like, four days afterwards. Maybe even less. I can’t—maybe two days. I can’t remember. I—I abandoned my family. I was like, “I—I have to go.” And I just like—I left. And I went to the hospital. [Laughs.]_
biz
									
Uh. Yeah!
jessica
									
[Biz mirrors and affirms Jessica throughout.] I was like [laughs] I was like, “You guys, there’s something wrong with me; I think I’m dying.” And they were like, “You just had a baby.” And I was like, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. There’s something worse. Can you just check and make sure?” And they_—they checked me all out and they were like, “You’re fine; you just—you need to get some sleep. And, you know, and—and I was—I—I—finally, you know, worked my way through it. But [laughs]_ I was like, I was a train wreck for like, weeks.
crosstalk
									
Jessica: If not months. Biz: Yeah, but good job going in to check! I mean, we are kind of programmed from birth as women to like, deal_—suck it up! It’s not a big deal, especially around pregnancy. And so— Theresa: Yeah! Yeah! Jessica: Not—_Oh gosh.
jessica
									
I’m a giant baby. When_—whenever I—oh, man. I have all my doctors on speed-dial. I—_yeah.
biz
									
Good! [Laughs.] Good! Get yo’ money’s worth! [Biz laughs enthusiastically; Theresa and Jessica laugh.]
jessica
									
Right? I’m paying for that insurance, I figure I might as well!
biz
									
That’s right! So…
crosstalk
									
Biz: Yeah. Jessica: And plus_—you can’t really bring the baby to a lot of the—_you know, it just depends. Biz: No!
jessica
									
So I’m always like, “Oh, I got a doctor’s appointment. Guess you’re gonna have to babysit again, hon.” Y’know, and then I split.  [Chuckles.] [Biz laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Biz: Just— Jessica: So I do a lot of writing in doctor’s office waiting rooms? [Biz and Theresa crack up. Jessica chuckles.]
biz
									
Alright. So let’s get back to the…the pain and_—and the changing and the perception of—that—_that you were writing about.
jessica
									
[Biz affirms Jessica throughout.] Oh, yeah! I mean, so_—so there was definitely—I mean, I just—I was really bummed, in a way, that I didn’t get to have the pain that I…wanted? [Biz “Mmm”s knowingly.] Uh—is—if that makes sense? Like, I wanted the other kind of pain! I wanted the vagina pain, not the—your “slice you open” pains. Um, you know. But—but—either way, it—you know, my mom comforted me. She was like, “Listen. Neither—neither way is a—is a fun time. Okay?” [Biz laughs.] “No matter how the baby comes out, it—it’s gonna suck. Alright? So.” [Laughs.]_ You know.
biz
									
Good mom.
jessica
									
It_—in some ways it’s—in some ways it’s—it’s actually kind of nice because it was like ordering takeout, you know? I was like, “Hey, yeah. Can—how long’s the c-section gonna take?” She was like, “Eh, about two hours.” I was like, “Oh, let’s do this!” [Biz laughs.] You know what I mean? It was like—I could look at the clock and kind of plan it! I was like, alright baby’s out at four; you know, I was kind of doing the math on—wow! It’s—_it’s a short turnaround!
crosstalk
									
Jessica: Yeah, I’ll do a standup show at eight; I can make it over— Biz: Yeah, right. [Laughs.]
biz
									
It’s not a big deal. [Laughs.]
jessica
									
I actually sold my first story from my labor bed. I like, wrote_—was, y’know, writing emails and stuff while I was in—in labor. [Biz laughs.] I’m a crazy person, I’m telling you. [Laughs.]_
crosstalk
									
Biz: [Through laughter] It’s the beautiful morphine-induced writing. [Laughs.] Jessica: And I pitched the—[breaks off, laughing.]
jessica
									
I pitched this story and_—and—you know, it—it sold like while I was waiting to have my baby, so that was pretty fun. But like—_
biz
									
Well let’s talk about drugs and fun. You wrote a column for High Times for a while and I guess_—let’s talk about the intersection of motherhood and cannabis, because—you know, we’re out here in California, where, you know, everything is legal now. Uh—_
jessica
									
Yes.
biz
									
And…uh, in lots of places it’s legal. So this is actually something I think a lot of_—I mean, in New York, I still had a phone number. [Bursts out laughing.] [Jessica laughs.] “Ding-dong! Here’s your weed!” But like…I do think this is a new area for a lot of—_of people.
jessica
									
I think that’s one of the reasons why…the stories are_—kind of intriguing and why a lot of people want to—you know—buy and read those stories. Because it’s—it’s still a little bit weird. I mean…people—look—moms have been smoking weed for as long as weed has been around, but they haven’t been talking as openly about it. And then there’s the whole other, you know, side, where—which I—I didn’t really know, or—or—I guess, think much about until it was pointed out to me that there are some moms who…you know, are not as…able to be as verbal about it or—or, you know, are at risk of maybe being, um, treated a different way. You know, mothers of color or—_
biz
									
Yeah!
jessica
									
Or what have you. Um, you know. Have a different perspective on what it’s like to, you know. To_—to be at that intersection of cannabis and parenting. I personally am really in a kind of strange situation, ‘cause I don’t use—_I don’t use it at all!
biz
									
Yeah.
jessica
									
[Biz agrees with Jessica throughout.] Anymore. And_—but I did, for, like, a—a long, long, long time. And, um, and it was awesome! I loved being like a little stoner, you know, kid. In Maine, growing up in the woods, and like…running around smoking weed with my friends. But now that I’m a parent, I—I—_and writing for High Times, I don’t use it anymore. So, do you see the_—do you see the kind of conundrum here, of how much free weed I could be getting that I’m not—_
biz
									
Oh! So much of the free weed! I, too, smoked for a very long time and then, uh…stopped just before getting pregnant. Uh, with my first. And…there have been many times over the last ten years of having children that I’ve been like… “Wow! I_—I wonder if I”—‘cause there was a time I was like, “Just whoever marries me needs to understand: weed is a part of my life!” Right? Like [breaks off, laughing]. [Jessica laughs.] “Ha, ha!” And so now, I’m like—I was talking to my husband about it, cause it’s—y’know, I pass this dispensary every day, you know, when I’m coming to—in here to record, and I think, “Do I wanna get any? I could…” [Jessica chuckles.]_
jessica
									
I could!
biz
									
And then I think…I think, “I don’t think I would have fun anymore.” Like, I don’t think, like, it would serve the purpose that it used to serve for me! Like, I don’t wanna wake and bake and then power-clean the house! Right? Like—[breaks off, laughing]
jessica
									
Right, right.[Laughs.]
biz
									
I don’t wanna do that! Um, and so…it is interesting…you know, I think, if you_—_like, the difference of starting to use after becoming a parent. Right?
jessica
									
Well, you know, as a person who rides the subway a lot and you_—you know this from living in the city. You see all different types of people with their kids, interacting with their kids, and I see moms, you know, like, yanking their kids by the arm and grabbing them by the hair and I think to myself, “Oh man, like, I—I wish that mom knew that she—she should just smoke a joint.” You know what I mean? [Laughs.] Like— [Biz laughs wildly.] It—it—and—and a lot of moms actually have—in the many, many, many interviews I’ve done with different moms who do use cannabis, they’ve said over and over and over again, “It makes me a calmer, more patient mother.” And I mean…who isn’t calm and patient when, you know, they’re—they’re smoking a j? But you know, I—I really have just definitely learned a lot about the strengths and capabilities as a medicine, and I—I’m not really a medication person. I don’t like to take pills unless it’s morphine and I’m pregnant. [Laughs.] [Biz cracks up. Theresa laughs.]_
biz
									
In that case, it’s great! Uh_—_let’s wrap up on something that you’re working on now. You’re working on, uh…a solo show called “Postpartum Me.” Tell us a little bit, uh, about it.
jessica
									
[Biz affirms Jessica throughout.] Yeah. Um…so basically this show if_—if it ever gets finished, it will be a miracle. It’s being written in snippets and—and bits while the baby’s sleeping. It’s when I’m in an elevator for two minutes. While I’m riding a bike. It’s the slowest project that I’ve ever written. [Biz laughs.] Um, it will take as long to produce and to birth as the actual baby that inspired it. It’s a show about the experience of—of post—going through postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety um, because…that’s something that is getting more attention now but it didn’t for a long time. There are still a lot of people who could probably use a laugh and some education in that area, so—it’s—it’s been a lot of fun to write it. And hopefully people appreciate it, and uh, hopefully some men will watch it too. Maybe five or six or whatever because, you know. [Biz laughs quietly.] I don’t think that…people understand this, but postpartum depression, um, is not just about moms! It’s also about parents and grandparents. You know, I—I knew a grandmother who took care of this kid full time and she was experiencing basically like postpartum depression because it’s very hard to be alone with this, you know, little kid who can’t talk or—or who can talk but can only talk in weird sentences and makes up words for things and—I mean, it—it’s really trying and testing on—on your spirit as you know, and. Hopefully, uh, I’ll be able to turn it into some real funny stuff. [Laughs.] [Biz laughs wildly; both laugh for some time.]_
biz
									
Hi-larious! No, no. [Theresa continues chuckling.] You know, it’s_—it is—I mean, like…we talk about it all the time; the more people can talk about it, y’know, the better. The more the conversation can be between all parents, you know, regardless of gender, the better. Y’know, it’s really something that affects a lot of people, and…it’s just yet another one of those things that we are, y’know, told to not think about or talk about or “you should be ashamed,” and—_you know.
crosstalk
									
Biz: Like, it’s just_—_yeah. Jessica: “Just think happy thoughts!”
jessica
									
[Biz agrees with Jessica throughout.] You know, “You have to think about something else! Go do something else! What you need is a job!” You know? I mean, there’s so many things that people can say— [Biz laughs.] _—_to just brush it under the rug.
biz
									
“You know what you need? More children!” [Laughs wildly.]
theresa
									
Yeah. [Laughs.]
jessica
									
Yeah. [Laughs.]
biz
									
Jessica, thank you so much for joining us! Uh, we’ll make sure that—
jessica
									
Thank you so much!
biz
									
_—_we will link everybody up to where they can follow you and find out more about the show as it progresses along. Uh, yeah! Thank you so much!
jessica
									
Thank you, ladies! [Theresa laughs.]
biz
									
Alright, thank you so much! Have a good one!
jessica
									
Good stuff! Bye.
crosstalk
									
Theresa and Biz: Bye!
music
									
“Telephone” by Awesome. Down-tempo guitar and falsetto singing. Brainwaves send a message: pick up the phone. (When you I call) Arm is moving now, no longer stone (When you I call) Hand reaches out with a will of its own (When you I call)… [Music fades out.]
promo
									
[Music interspersed with static, as though someone is scanning through radio channels.] Radio Host: “Come back to WKEP at night! Up next: looks like we’ve got a PSA from local forest ranger Duck Newton!” Duck Newton: “Do I start now, or—?” Radio Host: “Yeah. Lead in, Duck. Duck: Yeah, sorry. Um… Okay. I wanted to address the unfortunate situation that_—okay. [Sighs.] Listen. Two people—good people that I and a lot of y’all have known our whole lives—are dead. Torn to shreds— Ned Chicane: A savage, bloodthirsty beast that defies human comprehension! If you’d like to know more, stop by the Cryptonomica, Kepler’s Premier Museum of the Macabre! Just off Highway 33— Duck: C—c—c’mon. We—just wanted to warn y’all. To—to beg you. If you see one of those things out in the forest, don’t fight. Don’t scream. Run. Run as far as you can. Aubrey Little: Duck, it’s almost midnight. Listen, folks. If you see anything, please go to TheLamplighter.org and let us know. And get behind a locked door tonight. Radio Host: Anything else we need—Op! They’re leavin’. Okay. Well, that’s TheLamplighter.org, and…stay safe out there, Kepler. [Acoustic guitar strums. Static and channels change.]_
promo
									
[Loud electric rock guitar; continues through dialogue.] Amy Mann: Hello, this is Amy Mann. Ted Leo: And I’m Ted Leo. Amy: And we have a podcast called The Art of Process. Ted: We’ve been lucky enough over the past year to talk to some of our friends and acquaintances across the creative spectrum to find out how they actually work. Guest 1: “And so I have to write material that makes sense and makes people laugh. I also have to think about what I’m saying to people—" Guest 2: “If I kick your ass, I’ll make you famous.” Guest 3: “The fight to get LGBTQ representation in the show?” Guest 4: “We weirdly don’t know as many musicians as you would expect?” Guest 5: “I really just became a political speechwriter by accident.” Guest 6: “I’m realizing that I have accidentally, uh…pulled my pants down. [Laughs.]” Ted: Listen and subscribe at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Guest 8: “It’s like if the guinea pig was complicit in helping the scientist.” [Music ends.]
biz
									
[Cheering lightly] Wooo! [Singsong voice] That was fun! Remembering that having a baby or kids in your house is hard! [Laughs.] [Theresa laughs.] [Regular voice] And of course, talking more and more about, y’know, postpartum depression and anxiety and really, just, in general how hard it can be for_—pretty much everybody involved, sometimes—_when a kid enters your house somehow, is a good reminder! And a good thing to, uh, not stop talking about. Yayyy! You know what it’s also good to not stop talking about? Uh, that is listening to a mom have a breakdown!
caller
									
[Answering machine beeps.] Hi, Biz and Theresa. This is a rant. I’m a military spouse and my husband is gearing up for a 15-month deployment in December. So he has been gone…most of the summer and home two weeks, total, since the end of May. We have a four-year-old son and I work full-time, and we were getting really good at this until yesterday. And I came home from work yesterday to water running in my son’s bathroom. The faucet was on. And I had_—we had been gone from the house for about ten hours. And not only was the faucet on, the stopper was in the sink! So the sink was full, and water was just…overflowing. ‘Cause he had gone to the bathroom before we left the house, and he had washed his hands and didn’t turn off the faucet. And put the stopper in the sink. So I turned off the water. It still sounded like it was raining in our house, so I went downstairs. I looked downstairs, and water is pouring from what is left of our ceiling. And drywall is all over our couches, and insulation is fallen, and the—the carpet is soaked. So I take my son to the neighbor’s; the neighbor comes and he gets a couple other people and they help move furniture and they help me do all this stuff while I’m on the phone with USAA; and the water mitigation people come in and—with their fans and humidifiers and everything—and start removing all the water. They have also taken every—the only thing in our bathroom now is the tub. The vanity is gone; the tile is gone; the toilet is gone; the only thing left in there is the tub. They’ve removed most of the ceiling in our basement, and—apparently they’re going to pick up their humidifiers and fans in about four days. We—we will then start the process of figuring out how much of the carpet is salvageable; what we can do to fix the bathroom, and how to put my house back together. You guys are doing a good job. I—clearly—_am not.
biz
									
Ooooh wow.
theresa
									
Yeah.
biz
									
First of all, you_—you are doing [laughs]_ a remarkable job.
theresa
									
Yeah! I mean—
biz
									
That is…an unbelievable set of circumstances—
theresa
									
It really is.
biz
									
Like—
crosstalk
									
Theresa: We don’t think about that happening? But like…it’s so easy. It’s so incredibly easy! I mean…Yeah! That’s what’s_—confounding about this! Like…how quickly… Biz: No! Could happen! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I mean—could—_yeah. It just escalates! Theresa: Yeah.
biz
									
Like, I think about_—_I think about, Theresa, kid story! Of your children squirting the hose in through the mail slot.
theresa
									
Right, yeah!
biz
									
[Theresa regularly agrees with Biz throughout.] And I think_—well, y’know, why that’s a cute story? ‘Cause you were there to see it. What if you had been in another part of the house, and they had just started squirting, and—_
crosstalk
									
Theresa: And then they got distracted and went and did something else? Yeah. Biz: And then_—_and they went somewhere else! Yes!
biz
									
[Theresa agrees with Biz throughout.] In…when we used to live in Brooklyn, we had, uh, multiple floods in our basement and that was where our bedroom was! Was down in the basement. And…uh, it_—it is so much work to get that water and to get the smell and to get, like, all of it out? So I know the, like, sound of those humidi—dehumidifiers are awful; the sound of the fans, the sound of all that pumping out that water out of there? It is disruptive. It—it ain’t like a white noise machine that’s gonna soothe that baby [laughs] back to sleep. Right? Like…that’s—and it’s so discombobulating; it’s so disorienting to have your house turned upside-down like that. It is…so much. And on top of that…y’know, your partner is—is deployed! Like…that’s enough right there to be…a lot! And to be, like, hard and difficult and like…a lot of emotionally, like, “Uhh!” You know. And—_
theresa
									
[Biz agrees with Theresa throughout.] I mean, people talk about like, renovations being hard in their house? This is, like, an unplanned renovation. You know?
biz
									
[Theresa agrees with Biz throughout.] Yeah, it is. It is. So much of an unplanned renovation. And it_—yeah! It could legitimately happen any time! And—I just have to say…good baby, for washing your hands! [Laughs.]_
crosstalk
									
Biz: I mean, like— Theresa: I know! And also, thank you for this public service announcement? ‘Cause I feel like we’re all gonna be really careful about our faucets now? [Laughs.] Biz: I know! “Is the water turned off? Did you turn the water off?! Don’t wash your hands!” [Laughs wildly.] “Do not_—don’t you ever plug it up!” Theresa: “Do not plug up that drain! Don’t ever do it! Just never plug the drain!” [Laughs.] Biz: “In fact, no water ever! Do not wash your hand! Lick ‘em and stick ‘em! Don’t—don’t do it!” Theresa: Just gonna turn off our entire water line every time we leave the house. [Laughs.] [Through laughter] Just lock the gate and turn off the water line! Biz: [Through laughter] Oh, that’s smart! When you leave the house, actually! That is a really—_turn off the water! Very safe. Very smart.
biz
									
Just…y’know. Agh. I’m so sorry.
theresa
									
Yes.
biz
									
That is…yeah.
theresa
									
It’s…
biz
									
That’s too much.
theresa
									
Yeah.
biz
									
You are…amazing.
theresa
									
Yes, you are.
biz
									
Theresa, what did we learn today? We learned…that the real hiding we didn’t talk about was hiding ourselves.
theresa
									
Mm-hm. [Laughs.]
biz
									
[Theresa agrees emphatically with Biz throughout.] Far, far away from…our responsibilities as parents! And the noise of our children. Actually, a lot of the stuff that we talked about hiding as parents? I think actually…is_—like, some weird onion peel of the, like, hiding in the bathroom? Like, “I just need this one nice thing and the only way I can get this one nice thing is to literally hide it from everyone in my family!” That is—_
theresa
									
[Biz agrees emphatically with Theresa throughout.] It’s the avoidance. It’s, like, avoiding dealing with stuff.
biz
									
Yeah, it is!
theresa
									
Yeah.
biz
									
[Theresa agrees with Biz throughout.] Hiding away again! From our feelings and responsibilities. [Theresa chuckles.] This is my happy place, my Milano cookie bag. Uh…sometimes when I’m like at the store shopping I’ll be, like, “I really want that...can I hide this? Is there a way I can have this in my house to bring me joy without that joy being ruined?” We also learned that if you grew up in a house like mine, you will be really good as a parent in knowing where all of your kids hide everything they don’t want you to know about. I already know. Including the best make-out spots. [Yelling] “Get outta here!” [Laughs wildly.] [Theresa laughs.] Yeah, I dunno. I guess we just learned that deception is_—yet again!—_coming up on the ol’ parenting to-do list!
theresa
									
Yeah! It’s part of the day-in and day-out—
biz
									
Of parenting.
theresa
									
Yup.
biz
									
[Singing] Hide a little here, hide a little there. Physical, emotional_—underneath the stairs! [Theresa laughs.] I coulda gone “underwear.” But that would’ve taken us somewhere weird. Guys—real quick. I wanna announce that there’s gonna be, uh, a meetup. We have been informed of a meetup! Doot doot doot dooooo! In Iowa! [Laughs.] The Iowa OBMs are having a meetup Saturday, October 12, from 12 to 3 at Big Grove Brewery in Iowa City. You can find out more details on the One Bad Iowan Facebook sub-group—God, I love our subgroup communities!—and, uh, join! You just—you come! To the meetup! You deserve it! You deserve to get out! So, everyone in Iowa—get to that meetup! That—_everyone in Iowa.
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Yeah. Biz: The entire state of Iowa. Theresa: Yeah! You can get there from wherever, right?
biz
									
Yeah! I don’t know how Iowa works.
theresa
									
Yeah. [Biz laughs wildly.] Biggish or smallish.
biz
									
Everybody? You’re doing a good job.
theresa
									
Yeah, you are!
biz
									
This is…[unpleasant noise.] Ick. It’s impossible. It’s impossible! It’s impossible. It is isolating. It is monotonous. It is…a joy?
theresa
									
At times?
biz
									
At times. And…[sighs.] But a lot of the day-in and the day-out aren’t. And…it’s just…you’re all doing a good job. And we see you.
theresa
									
Yep.
biz
									
Like, we really see you? Let’s just all keep…getting up, doing it, going back to bed and doing it again the next day. And…remember that when you have that feeling of, “Oh my God! It’s only ten o’clock and I should be…expected to not do anything else today!” That’s a real feeling. And you really shouldn’t. [Biz and Theresa both laugh.] Sucks that we all have to anyway.
theresa
									
Yup.
biz
									
But we see that feeling and acknowledge it!
theresa
									
Yes.
biz
									
Theresa? You are doing…a very good job.
theresa
									
Thanks, Biz. So are you.
biz
									
Thank you. And we will talk to you guys next week!
crosstalk
									
Biz and Theresa: Byeee!
music
									
“Mama Blues” by Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Strumming acoustic guitar with harmonica and lyrics. I got the lowdown momma blues Got the the lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues The lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues Got the lowdown momma blues You know that’s right… [Music fades somewhat, plays in background of dialogue.]
biz
									
We’d like to thank Max Fun; our producer, Hannah Smith; our husbands, Stefan Lawrence and Jesse Thorn; our perfect children, who provide us with inspiration to say all these horrible things, and of course you our listeners. To find out more about the songs you heard on today’s podcast and more about the show, please go to MaximumFun.org/onebadmother. For information about live shows, our book and press, please check out OneBadMotherPodcast.com.
theresa
									
One Bad Mother is a member of the Maximum Fun family of podcasts. To support the show go to MaximumFun.org/donate. [Music continues for a while before fading out.]
speaker 1
									
MaximumFun.org.
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
—Audience supported.

About the show

One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren’t all magical vessels!

Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing.

Call in your geniuses and fails: 206-350-9485. For booking and guest ideas, please email onebadmother@maximumfun.org. To keep up with One Bad Mother on social media, follow @onebadmothers on Twitter and Instagram.

Get in touch with the show

People

Biz Ellis

Biz Ellis

Host

Gabe Mara

Producer

How to listen

Stream or download episodes directly from our website, or listen via your favorite podcatcher!

New? Start here...

Episode 3: Breastfeeding