TRANSCRIPT Ep. 321 He Who Smelt It Is Probably Mom!

Transcript

biz ellis
									
[Audience cheers, applauds.] This is Biz. I’m a part-time working mom with two full-blown kids. [Audience laughs.]
theresa thorn
									
And I’m Theresa. I have a family business, two young kids, and a toddler.
biz
									
This is a show about life after giving life. Don’t listen with your kids, ‘cause there will be swears. This… is One Bad Mother.
music
									
“Summon the Rawk,” Kevin MacLeod. Rock guitar and drums with a driving beat. [Raucous cheering and applause from audience.]
biz
									
This week on One Bad Mother, he who smelt it is probably Mom. We’re gonna talk about smells! Plus we are live from City Space in Boston with special guest Lis Sower of Ghost in the Burbs. Biz, Theresa, & Audience: Wooooo! [Cheer loudly.] Wahoo! Hello Boston! [Audience cheers.] We want to give a shoutout to City Space; thank you so much for having us and thank you guys for having us and coming out! Theresa, how are you?
theresa
									
I…am doing pretty well. I guess, like, my kids are getting a little bit older all of a sudden! It was a little bit easier for me to get away this weekend? Oddly? Um… [Biz giggles.] I think the last couple times that we’ve gone away for live shows, I’ve like, just like… crawled away— [Biz guffaws, laughs through next several lines of dialogue.] Like, I’d like, just, like, grabbed my things and just like, tried to, like, escape to the airport, like, barely knowing where I was or what was happening but just that I was getting out?
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[Theresa agrees emphatically with Biz throughout.] Biz: I’m pretty sure things weren’t packed a number of times, like, that you had shown up without things. Theresa: Yeah! Yes! Biz: Yeah! Oh yeah! Theresa: Yes! Oh yeah. Biz: Oh yeah! Theresa: Oh absolutely. Biz: Yeah, yeah.
theresa
									
But yeah, I mean, like, Gracie, she’s—she’s eight, she has, like, created her own room now in the house. Um, that like, is under the stairs? [Audience laughs.]
biz
									
[Enthusiastically, while laughing] Yes!
theresa
									
But, like, she loves it there? So, like, she has her own room now? Um, and that’s really cool. And, um, Oscar is—is in kindergarten and he likes it so far and that’s really cool. And Curtis, my 2-1/2-year-old, he’s—so, he, um, I’ve talked about on the show, he has a speech delay and he’s been going to speech therapy. And it’s been going great. And he’s starting to say a lot of words now, which is cool, but the vocabulary choices are not what I … would have expected— [Biz and audience laugh.] —so, like, the main stuff that he can say now are names of different Pokemons— [Biz and audience laugh uproariously. Biz applauds.]
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Biz: That’s pretty challenging! That’s pretty good! Yeah, that’s like—next level! That’s, like, advanced! Theresa: It’s—I am—was trying to figure out what he was saying at first— [Biz laughs.] Theresa: —and I was like, “Oh, he’s saying Charmander.” Like [breaks off, laughing.] [Audience laughs, Biz cackles.] Biz: That was, like, when the kids used to say Swedish and I’m, like, are they saying Swedish or making up words? I don’t know what they’re doing.
theresa
									
[Biz agrees with Theresa throughout.] Yeah! Oh, absolutely! So—and then, the other day, I had him with me at like, the parent association meeting at Oscar’s, uh, school, and I had to leave—I was forced to leave— [Biz chuckles.] —because Curtis wouldn’t stop saying, over and over again, [in little kid voice] “Me sick! Me sick! Me drink too much kombucha!” [Audience laughs uproariously. Scattered applause.] [Biz cackles.] [Long pause; audience laughter redoubles.]
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Biz: Wow. Theresa: Yeah! Biz: Yeah! That’s a—that’s a reason to leave. Theresa: Yeah! Biz: Yeah. Theresa: And I—[breaks off, laughing.] [Biz cracks up.] Biz: Yeah. Yeah. Theresa: So—lots of changes happening in my [through laughter] household. How are you, Biz?
biz
									
I’m alright. I’m gonna talk about mystery pain. [Smattering of audience laughter.] So, uh—we are into school; everything is well; Ellis is doing fine in kindergarten, too, and then, like, Monday of this past week, Katy Belle comes home from school and she’s saying that her legs hurt. And she wakes up the next morning, “My legs hurt.” And Stefan and I were both, like, it’s growing pains, okay? I mean, the kid has shot up, like, five inches over the summer, it feels like [serious voice, as an aside]—it’s probably just an inch. But she looks 100 years old. [Audience laughs.] Uh, and—we’re like, it’s—you know, leg growing pains, that’s fine. Three days in, they still hurt and she’s saying it, like, hurts when she bends down, and I’m not sure if the teachers—I love her teachers, they’re wonderful teachers, but you know, I—teachers have a lot on their plate and if you’ve got a kid saying “I can’t sit down” sometimes you’re like, “Well, I don’t know what to do.” [Theresa and audience laugh.] You know? Like, “I don’t know how to help you.” Right? Like…and, so, I felt a little like, oh no! Maybe…maybe something is wrong! And so—but first I wanted to go tell those teachers [berating voice] “If she doesn’t feel good, she won’t sit down.” Um, but—so we—I took her the doctor! And it turns out it wasn’t growing pains, it was—she had shin splints!
biz
									
[Theresa agrees emphatically with Biz throughout.] [Audience “Oh”’s in recognition.] Yeah! Which is a thing! And it could have so easily been—she’s not that athletic. Like, everybody was like— [Audience laughs.] —we would never have been, like, “Ohh! Shin splints! Obviously!” And like, the doctor, and, like, every person we came in contact with about the shin splints were like, “Well does she play sports?” “No.” “Does she—is she super active?” “Nope.” And I honestly—this is honestly what I think happened. [Confessional tone] It’s been a pretty laid-back summer, guys. [Audience laughs.] Uh…I have allowed a lot of hanging out on the sofa, a little watching of a lot of stuff, and, uh, we did go to the pool but that is a totally different experience on your body to be in the water. And then, on the first day of school, she discovers her old Converses—which she hadn’t worn all summer—and those are flat! Those aren’t absorbent. And then she runs off to school and does all—as she says, “I was doing everything I did last year,” and I’m like, “Yeah, but you’ve had three months of doing basically fuckin’ nothin’.” [Audience guffaws.] So, like, I think your legs are, like, “RICKETS!” you know, like—so, anyway. Uh, mystery pain!
biz
									
And—but—I—I do have to say, it was one of those things that, like, Ellis is, like, super emotional and tired ‘cause it was the first—you know, like, first couple weeks of school. Katy Belle was also emotionally, like, tired. I was emotionally tired, helping to regulate, so I was a little, like, “Fuck this pain. I’m sure it’s not, like a huge deal. This is—this can’t possibly be that big of a deal.” And then I trusted the little voice inside me and went in, and I think that ties in nicely to what we’re going to talk about today: trusting your instincts [conspiratorial voice] or trusting your old nose. We’re gonna talk about…smells. [Audience laughs lightly.]
theresa
									
[Banjo strums cheerfully in background, continues through dialogue.] Please. Take a moment to remember—if you’re friends of the hosts of One Bad Mother, you should assume that when we talk about other moms, we’re talking about you.
biz
									
If you are married to the hosts of One Bad Mother, we definitely are talking about you. [Audience laughs appreciatively.]
theresa
									
Nothing we say constitutes professional parenting advice.
biz
									
Biz and Theresa’s children are brilliant, lovely, and exceedingly extraordinary.
theresa
									
Nothing said on this podcast about them implies otherwise. [Banjo music fades out.] [Theresa agrees with Biz as Biz speaks speaks.]
biz
									
[Sighs.] Oooh! Theresa. Smells. [Pauses.] [Audience laughs lightly.] I’m pretty excited about this topic—in fact, we were really trying to nail something down over the last, like, couple of weeks, and we—
theresa
									
This definitely wasn’t something we came up with in the last twelve hours. [Audience laughs louder.]
biz
									
No! Definitely… not. Uh… and you were telling a very funny story about—we said it in front of our producer, Hannah, who just kind of—what was the look?
theresa
									
She was a little, like—[quizzical voice] “Hmm. Okay. Okay.”
biz
									
[Cackles.] And then—and then we realized…it went a lot of places. That we wanted to go. So, smells it is, but before we get started, we would like to bring up our special guest, Liz Sower! [Cheering] Wooooo! [Audience cheers and claps enthusiastically.]
biz
									
So, uh, as many of you know, Liz Sower hosts, writes, and produces Ghost in the Burbs, a podcast about the people of Wellesley, Massachusetts, and the ghosts— [Theresa giggles.] —and monsters—who haunt them! She lives in that haunted little town with her husband; we’ll let her tell us who else lives in her house in a second, and she is most proud of her PhD-level knowledge of reality ghost hunting television. [Theresa and audience laugh appreciatively.] Uh, you can also hear her on episode 227 of this show, where we did a little, uh, Halloween spook storytelling with each other. Liz, thank you so much for joining us!
liz
									
Thank you! Welcome to Boston!
biz
									
[Cheering] I knowww!
theresa
									
Thanks! _[_Audience cheers, claps.]
biz
									
I—I—I’m a very big fan of your podcast. And I listen to it all the time, and I really have just been, like, everywhere being, like, [panicky voice] “I’m scared it’s gonna be a ghost! Where’s the ghost?! Is there gonna be a ghost here?!” [Theresa chuckles.] Why don’t we start by finding out who lives in your house before we start talking about things that smell.
liz
									
Okay! [All laugh.] I live with my very handsome husband who’s right here— [Biz cheers loudly; audience applauds.] —Chris Sower. [Laughs.] And we have two little girls, Max and Joey; Max is going into second grade—or, is in second grade now, and Joey’s in kindergarten, which is great. And we also basically run an assisted living center for elderly dogs. [Biz and audience laugh.] We have four dogs now that are… old. And they smell. [All laugh uproariously.] So this is perfect. I was wondering, like, “Are you talking about my house?” [through laughter] when you started to talk about smells.
crosstalk
									
Biz: We’ve called you here just to do some shame jokes— Theresa: Yeah! Biz: —about the smells in your house. Liz: Yeah, sounds good. Sounds about right. I can take it. [Laughs.]
biz
									
I guess I’m just gonna start with, like, when—again, no matter how children got into your house, once they’re there, smells. [Audience laughs lightly.] But—are just part of, like, my husband constantly is like, well, people do live here. And I’m like…I guess. Humans are gross.
crosstalk
									
Theresa: I like how you skipped over the part of the story that was you complaining about how much your house smells? Biz: I, unfortunately— Theresa: And you just skipped right to Stefan’s response? Biz: Yes. Theresa: ‘Cause we all assume—we all kinda know what you were complaining about. Biz: Yeah, yeah! Everything. I have a remarkable sense of smell, like—we’re like— Theresa: She does.
biz
									
—sometimes had joked about, like, maybe sending away for, like, the CIA smell test thing? Uh, I can smell…all things, all the time. And as a result, I am constantly chasing smells in our house that no one else can smell. And Stefan is still agreeable and still—he just goes, “Yeah, I smell it.” And he doesn’t. [Audience laughs.] It’s like ghosts!
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Theresa: It’s like a ghost! Biz: I’m like, there’s a ghost in this house! He’s like “Okay, sure. There is.” Liz: It’s haunted. Yeah. Theresa: Yeah.  [Theresa and audience laugh.]
biz
									
Uh… let’s start with just… smells. I don’t think I was prepared…for how much, like, I was going to be impacted by smell when kids got into my house. Liz, you’ve got a lotta things living in your house.
crosstalk
									
[Biz and Theresa agree with Liz throughout.] Liz: We’ve got a lot of things living in our house. Biz: Yeah. They all smell pretty good? Liz: And they smell. They smell just horrible. Biz: Yeah. Liz: And it’s the carpet. When you first—when I knew that that’s what we’d be talking about, I kind of went on this, kind of…stream of all the smells over the years. It’s Diaper Genie, and hand sanitizer, and— Biz: Don’t say it—wipes. Liz: —then I just, like, had this image… wipes! [All sigh.] Liz: We had this image of Max, my oldest, just, like, picking up dog on the carpet, and just—just—awful.
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[Theresa, Liz, and Biz emphatically agree with each other throughout.] Theresa: Do you think—I think it’s interesting that we, because of all the… ickiness…we associate the wipes and the hand sanitizer with, like, really gross—even, like, unscented wipes kinda smell gross. Liz: Terrible smells. They smell bad now! Theresa: Thinking about what they were wiping them with? Biz: They smell wet. They smell wet, yeah. Liz: Yes! Exactly! [All laugh.] Theresa: Like— Liz: That’s exactly it. Now it’s associated with that, so I can’t stand the wipe smell.
biz
									
Yeah! I mean, like, at first, I remember as a kid, being at parties where there were no babies. We were, like, kids. And if we were dirty or something, like, a mom would—like, before cake or before—because it was, you know, the eighties everybody was just getting cake all the time— [Audience laughter.] —uh, before something. And in particular, there was this one mom who would just, like, pull out wipes. No! Not even the lick! Not even the—I will take a lick—
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Oh, yeah. The lick! Biz: —any day over [gags] over…the wipe.
biz
									
And she would come at me and I was just like, I do not want to be touched! But that’s not what you used to say in the eighties. Uh, and [through laughter]— [Audience and hosts laugh.] —uh, she would come at you with the wipe—and I just remember being, like, “I don’t ever want to have children.” Uh— [Renewed laughter.] —because of that smell. And then… we had them, and I actually kinda became dead inside to the smell for a while; but now that everybody’s older, I do not ever want to smell a wipe again. Yeah.
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[Theresa, Biz, and Liz continue to agree with each other throughout.] Biz: It just goes like that. Like a circle. Like a little circle of some kind. Liz: [quietly] Yeah. Theresa: Yeah. Do you have that thing where you, like, when you’ve been gone from your house for a whole day or a couple days and then you come home, and you go in, and you’re like…is this really what my house— [Audience laughs.] Liz: Oooh. [Sighing.] Yeah. Oh my Gaawd! Theresa: [through laughter] —smells like? Like, does that—does that happen? Liz: Absolutely! Yes! Theresa: ‘Cause I guess I’m—I’m genuinely—I still don’t know. I always soothe myself by saying “No. No. When people are around, and the windows are open, this is—
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[Everybody frantically talks over each other for a moment.] Theresa: —it smells like—I don’t know…probably— Liz: When it’s all on lockdown and everything’s just settling in? Theresa and Biz: Yeah. Yeah! Liz: And seeping—it’s bad. Theresa and Biz: Yeah! Biz: Okay, good! Liz: Windows up, candles going, everything. Biz: I’m glad to hear this. [Laughs.] Liz: Yes!
biz
									
Because I think my house smells horrible. [Theresa laughs.] When I—like, to the point where, like, I’ll come home from trips and Stefan’s just like, yep, we all know—we know—that I’m gonna come in and I’m gonna have a horrible reaction to the house. [Theresa and Liz laugh.]
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Biz: And that I’m gonna start, like, spraying and just, like, maybe—maybe spray is gonna, like, on the counters—gonna somehow help erase all the dead air, or the fact that we have three cats. Yeah. Liz: The spray. It’s not—yeah. ‘Cause it’s not the counter. It’s not the counter. [Laughs.] Biz: No, it’s not the counter! It’s whatever’s livin’ under my house! Liz: It’s the couch and the everything. And it’s just fun. Saturated, yeah. [Laughs.] Theresa: The walls. Biz: Yeah, the couch—Years that my sister looks horrified. By the way, my sister’s here, and she’s giving us this look: [Dramatic exasperation] “Ugggh.” [Hosts and audience laugh raucously.]
biz
									
[Theresa and Liz agree with Biz throughout.] She’s good at—she—yeah! She’s—she’s like, “I don’t have children,” but you have cats. [Everyone chuckles.] So…yeah! And then that leads to—‘cause it’s really less about, like, the smells that our children make and—that I think we wanna talk about; it’s more about, like, how we feel with those smells? And I think that feeling of not being able—surprise—not being able to control— [Audience laughs.] —the smell in my house drives me nuts. And then I wind up, like, it becomes one more thing on my “I’m always thinking about it” list? Where is that smell, how do I get rid of that smell, is the smell still here, uh, is it not here—is it this room? Is it that room? Is something dead under the house? Has somebody left something somewhere. Right? Like, did—
biz
									
—have the kids, like, left—? I remember one time… Katy Belle—we didn’t have Ellis yet—Katy Belle, uh, had found a really cool beetle. And we were, like, that’s cool. And she brought it inside—he was dead—uh, and she had it on, you know, in her bedroom! And we’re like [high, thrilled voice] yayyy! Here’s a magnifying glass! Whee! And then about a month later, we were like, “What is that smell?” [Audience chuckles.] That is a horrible smell! It was…the beetle. It had—and it—I didn’t know the little beetle could make that kind of smell; and now, like, seven years later, Ellis comes in the house with a beetle and Stefan comes running in. [Imitating Stefan] “You can’t keep that inside the house!” [Loud laughter from hosts and audience.] So… you know. Lessons learned. Scarred by the smells. What do you find, like, the hardest thing about the smells, Liz? And is there, like, a smell in particular that you’re, like, “I hope we grow out of this,” or…?
liz
									
[Biz agrees emphatically with Liz throughout.] I think it’s…the…”Where is it coming from?” And does this room—this room smells okay, and then you walk into another room, and that room doesn’t. And they’ve been playing and you don’t want to—don’t know what it is—and is it food, and—I mean, we’re way out of the, you know, sippy cup milk. And that was brutal. And the cars were ruined at that point, too. [Audience laughs knowingly.] That was awful. So we’re past that. But now it’s just, like, when you walk into a room, open the windows, it’s just…it’s rough.
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Biz: See, I know my car smells. Liz: Yeah. Biz: I know my car is—my car is—my car stinks. Liz: That’s a sure thing. I know I can’t do anything about it. [Theresa agrees with Biz emphatically as Biz speaks.]
biz
									
And I don’t like being in stinky cars; I can’t, like, do Ubers and stuff ‘cause I’m like, [dramatic low whisper] “I can’t do it.” [Regular voice.] And then—I—I mean, I still do Uber. But you know what I mean! I’m like [dramatically] “Ugh, I’m gonna need lemons to smell.” [Regular voice.] But in my own car, I’m like, “Yeah. I know. This is horrible.” And I don’t want anybody in it. Like, I wanna apologize to Katy Belle’s friends when they get in the car? [Audience laughter.] Like, “I’m really sorry” [breaks off, laughing] “This is, like, this car smells and looks like shit, guys.” [Biz and Liz agree emphatically as Theresa speaks.]
theresa
									
I still—I—I still, like, remember specifically this one friend of mine’s cars? That—that, like, always—I did not like the smell of that car! And the—the closest thing I could pinpoint was that it was, like, bad peanut butter and jelly sandwich smell? Like—and—and—I will always remember that car.  [Biz and Theresa agree with Liz throughout.]
liz
									
That’s probably accurate. Always. I remember the person with the smelly dog house. And now that is me. And now that is me. [Laughs.] [Through laughter] So it’s like—that’s what my children’s friends will remember. [Hosts and audience laugh appreciatively.]  [Groans] Ooh.
biz
									
[Theresa and Liz agree with Biz throughout.] Alright. Here is the thing about smell, though. Let’s put a positive spin on it. I think, when kids show up in your house, we can all, like, instead of saying, “God, all we do is complain about how horrible everything smells,” we can instead say: “Smell: our natural instinct of survival.” Right? Like… [Theresa chuckles appreciatively. Audience laughter.] I don’t—I mean, I can smell bad yogurt, like, a week before it expires. I’m like, “NO! I don’t care what the date says! Get it out!” Right? Like…uh…fire, gas, I can’t tell you the number of times I’m like, “Is that gas?” I think there’s gas. We were walking around downtown Boston today and I was like, “It smells like gas!” [Hosts and audience laugh.] Oh well. Uh— [breaks off, laughing]. That—that Paul Revere house has been here a really long time, so…it’ll be fine. But like, yeah!
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Yeah. No, I—the— Biz: You’re the science person, Theresa! [Cackles.] Theresa: Oh no. Don’t do that. Don’t do that. [Biz and Liz agree with Theresa throughout.]
theresa
									
No, I just—I just have a fear around smoke. Because, uh, my parents’ house burnt down when I was in college, and, uh—everybody was okay. Don’t worry. [Hosts laugh.] Um, everybody’s fine. But they did lose their home because of an electrical fire. And, um—it happened. And actually, my aunt’s house burnt down, like, the year before that? It was really weird. Weird—weird period of time.
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Biz: Curse. Liz: Yeah. Biz: Liz and I are like this: “Curse?!” Theresa: Uh—I know. I know! I know! And, um— [Biz and Liz laugh, then continue responding emphatically as Theresa speaks.]
theresa
									
—and—but so, for that reason, I—like, Jesse is, like, so over this. But, like, I’ll walk into the room and I’ll just be doing that face, like the [breathes in sharply]. ‘Cause I’ll think that I smell smoke coming from somewhere; and he’s just, like, “Yeah. It’s like a bar—it’s a barbecue.” [Biz and audience laugh.] Like, neighbor—yeah! I smell—yeah. Like— [breaks off, laughing] It’s just, like, never…
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Biz: Actually smell— Liz: It’s never—and never an emergency. Theresa: But my nose is ready in case there… was a fire! In case fires do happen! Biz: Do you—do you wanna give us a test real quick? Theresa: I—I’m not smelling anything in here. I would let you know. Biz: Okay, good. We’re alright. I also don’t smell gas. Liz: We’re safe. Theresa: Yeah. [Someone cracks up. Raucous audience laughter.]
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Biz: Have—have you ever used smell in a way that, like, makes you, like, awesome parent, like, you know…in a protective, sort of…primal— Liz: [Tentatively] Like you’re catching them…kinda doing something, kind of thing? Biz: No, no! We’re gonna talk about that in a second! Uh, we’ll talk about how smell helps us bust our children. But— Liz: Yeah. [Through laughter] Like, smells like smoke. Like fire, like—don’t eat something. Biz: Yeah, like fire—yeah, have you like, found that, sniffing anything out important? Liz: I don’t think so, no. Which is good. Biz: That’s good. Yeah, well, but dog smell’s covering—yeah. Liz: Just general, you know decay. Might be a problem. If there’s some kind of allergy in my home. [Chuckles.] Haven’t uncovered yet. [Audience laughter. Biz laughs raucously.] Biz: Right. Right!
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[Biz, Liz, and Theresa agree with each other throughout.] Biz: Well, let’s get—let’s get into the— Theresa: But they—but they also say that, I mean, ‘cause they also say that, like, smelling babies is, like, what makes you want to get a baby. Liz: Have more babies? Theresa: Like—that you smell a baby and it, like, causes your brain to…so—that’s probably— Biz: [Firmly] No. [Biz laughs heartily. Theresa joins in.]
biz
									
I’m not a—I do know—it’s like, new baby smell is a really nice smell. It’s like new puppy smell [cute tiny voice] it’s so sweet! It’s really great, and then I’m okay. Then I’m okay! And then I smell a lemon. [Sniffs loudly.] Ahhh! [Audience laughs.]
theresa
									
Okay. Okay, but I remember—no—I—yeah. But I remember—like, I remember when we first started doing this show and, like, so Katy Belle must have been, like, three or four and [breaks off, laughing; then continues through laughter] I remember you telling me that— [Liz giggles.] —sometimes when she was watching TV, you’d just, like, sniff her hair? Like—just like— [Audience laughs.]
biz
									
Alright. Let me tell you actually where this comes from. Okay. What this makes me think of, I’m like, “Ohh, the smell of Katy Belle”—uh… Poltergeist. [Raucous audience laughter. Hosts join in. Liz and Theresa respond emphatically through laughter several times as Biz speaks.]
biz
									
Okay. There’s—alright. In the movie Poltergeist, when Carol Anne is taken away, like this, like, it’s one of those days where—then—like—the—the—scent of Carol Anne comes through the house and the mom’s, like, “I can smell her!” Like, and it’s where, like—  “I can smell my baby!” And I’m like, “I need to make sure I know what Katy Belle smells like.” [Audience erupts into more laughter.] [Through laughter] In case she’s gone. That is what that was!

									
Theresa: Just in case. Just in case she goes into the television. Biz: Okay. Okay. I got it. I got it just in case, just in case, yeah. She’s taken into the closet by ghosts. Yeah. Absolutely. Theresa: [Laughing] Oh my God. Biz: Um…Doesn’t everybody? [Theresa, Liz, and audience laugh.] Biz: One Bad Mother, the podcast where Biz constantly finds out, “No. Not everybody.” [Laughter builds.] [Theresa agrees emphatically with Biz throughout next several lines.]
biz
									
Um…alright. Let’s get to… better stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re all great. We try and smell fire. Let’s talk about using smell to bust our children on things. I am just going to—I use—I’ll start. I use…my nose recently to catch Katy Belle in, uh, some lies. And…the latest lie—it’s so cute when they lie. The first time she ever lied to me, if you listen to the show, I was not happy. Uh, I was like having an emotional crisis. I was like, “[incomprehensible, panicky gibberish] lie!” and now I’m like [nonplussed] “Eh. Are you lying?” Um, so, she, you know does her own showers, her own things, and she comes out and she walks through the den, and I say, “Katy Belle, did—did you—try on your father’s cologne?” [Audience laughs. Theresa joins in.] And…she goes, “Wha—n-no.” And—okay. Neither Stef nor I wear perfume or cologne every day. Okay? Hence, super nose. I can’t, like—right? But—[confessional tone] I do love the smell of Polo. And—[through laughter] I do. I’m like, “Take me back to seventeen. Please let me smell you!” [Audience and hosts laugh.] So…Stefan has a bottle of Polo for… [meaningful pause] fun— [Audience, Liz, and Theresa crack up.] —aaand, uh… [breaks off, laughing]. So—when Katy Belle walks through, I’m like [sniffs]—“What?” And so— [breaks off, laughing.] [Audience and host laughter escalates.] I say—“Katy Belle, I—I—I can smell it. I can smell some.” She goes, “I—I put on some perfume?” and it took everything I—well, I go—well, you put on your father’s cologne. “What’s the difference?” And then I was just, like, “Oh you know what? Nothing.” There’s—and—why on earth would I be like [high voice] “I don’t know, one comes in a pink bottle and one is green with a horse on it!” [Regular voice] I was just like, “It’s the same. You’re right. You’re right.” Uh…but like, she was not—and then—and then what’s even better, is two days later she does it again. [Audience laughs.] And I’m like…I can smell you. I can smell you! Uh, Liz?
liz
									
[Biz agrees emphatically with Liz throughout.] No. I haven’t caught them doing anything. Yeah, not with smell. I feel like—the gum, I know they have gum. I know they have gum, it’s like, “Oh, you got some gum. You found the gum.” You know? Over and over. But…not, I haven’t caught them doing anything with my nose yet.
crosstalk
									
[Liz, Biz, and Theresa continue to agree with each other throughout.] Theresa: I—uh— Liz: I assume that’ll come. Biz: It’s—it’s coming. It’s coming. [Liz agrees with Theresa throughout.]
theresa
									
Like a week ago, I was upstairs in my house and I—and I was like, “Somebody’s using nail polish!” [Biz cackles.] And it was—and like—and like, it’s quiet. Like, Grace and Oscar are both downstairs. And…she’s like, quiet and… I’m like, “I can smell it! I know you’re using nail polish!” Like, “Are you using nail polish?” And she’s like, “I’m just painting Oscar’s nails!” and I was like, “Okay…make sure it’s, like, only on his nails and not on anything else!” He came upstairs and he had, like, nail polish all over himself. It would’ve been worse if I hadn’t smelled it. [Sighs.] [Theresa agrees with Biz throughout.]
biz
									
I—I believe it—smelled it. I believe the text I received was something to the effect of: “Gracie has been painting Oscar with fingernail polish.” It was one of those, like, just check-ins, where sometimes Theresa and I will just text each other whatever random thing happened, where you can just be like, “You know what? You’re doing a good job.” [Theresa and audience laugh.] Right? Like—that’s a—“You’re doing a good job.” But that’s a smell, right?
crosstalk
									
Biz: Like automatically, you’re like—“Is this really like…” Liz: Oh, that’s immediate. Theresa: Yeah. Yeah. I was like, [overwhelmed noise] “Whoof!” Someone, somewhere… Biz: Are those using fingernail polish?! Did you…ever get busted because of a smell, Liz? Did you ever get busted—did your parents ever catch you…with a smell?
crosstalk
									
[Liz, Biz, and Theresa continue to agree with each other regularly.] Liz: They did. [Quiet voice] I did smoke cigarettes. For a time. Biz: [Nervous voice] OoOoO! Liz: And I got caught for that in high school. That’s an easy one. They’ll never be able to sneak that. Because once you know, you just know. You’ve got it. And… you know. [Whispers] Drinking alcohol. [Biz, Theresa, and audience laugh.] Biz: [Loudly] I’m sorry, what?! You’re recording for a podcast. Liz: [Directly into the microphone] Drinking. Alcohol. Biz: Aaaah! Liz: Underage. [Everyone laughs.] Biz: What I like so much about cigarettes and booze is the illusion that no— Theresa: —that no one can tell. [Biz, Liz, and Theresa frequently affirm each other throughout.]
biz
									
[Scandalous voice] That’s how I spent my twenties! They—um—is that, you think, as a young person, that no one can smell that. That no—because you can’t smell it if you’re smoking, ‘cause that’s done its job. Um…and I did. I smoke for, like, eleven years, guys. I know the, like, “Eh, I don’t smell like anything!” But…with booze, there was the old, like, it’s a myth. Right? Like, the vodka, you can’t smell vodka, so drink vodka because they won’t be able to smell it on your—that can’t—that’s not true. That’s not true! That’s not…true. [Everyone but Biz laughs.] It’s—it’s, like, a smell. Alcohol has a smell! And like, I would be so aware of booze and cigarettes. I smell cigarettes sometimes just in the house ‘cause like, a neighbor or somebody somewhere? Or weed, ‘cause we’re in California now, so…I’m like, “Somebody’s smokin’ weed.” You know? 
liz
									
It’s like the nail polish! It just—you—it…wafts. You smell it. Yeah.
biz
									
Did—did you ever get busted, Theresa, with something?
crosstalk
									
Theresa: I got busted not with smells. Biz: Oohhh. Theresa: Yeah. I got busted ‘cause I left, like, a bag of bottles in my parents’ car…after—like, just, my own stupidity. [Everyone laughs. Biz cackles.] Liz: Oh my God. Which probably smelled awful. I’m sure they smelled terrible. Biz: They probably smelled! Theresa: Yeah. Biz: I guarantee you. Yeah. But—your parents— Liz: Cheap beer. Theresa: I was like, “Oh, I’ll take from my friends. Oh, I’ll take these. I’ll get rid of these.” Just left ‘em in the car. [Everyone laughs. Theresa and Liz respond emphatically as Biz speaks.]
biz
									
Oh my God. But that goes into the lie of, the, like, “They’re not mine! I told my friend I would get rid of them so her mom wouldn’t get mad!” And you’re like, “Not it. You’re lying.” So…when I was in eighth grade, they didn’t—I definitely did not get busted for the smell, but this is how smell definitely played a very large part of a horrible bust. Um…so in eighth grade, my good friend Kim Bullock and I—and she used to live up the street, and—like, my sisters were already like, [suspicious tone] “Hmmmm”—it’s ‘cause she had red hair, guys! [Audience laughs.] Um….I don’t know. I think—I swear I think it’s because…Helen Michelle had some friend who had red hair that wasn’t very nice, and then Momma immediately just assumed that every person who came into our lives with red hair was going to be evil. Um… [Light audience laughter.] But she was in law school. She was stressed. But…Kim and I did the old “I’m gonna be…spending the night at Kim’s house.”
biz
									
And…Kim’s gonna be spending the night at our house. And we walked to this girl’s apartment, which was, you know, [dramatic tone] down the street and across the railroad tracks— [Normal voice] —and we went and got—went to the apartment and we had a party! There was a party! And…I can remember sitting in the bedroom, listening to Echo and the Bunnymen, and… [Light audience laughter. Liz laughs.] Uh… [Singing] “Bring on the dancing horses…” [Normal voice] and this kid comes in and says, “Lizabeth? Your parents are here.” [Gasps from audience and hosts.] And I was like… “What?!” And Kim and I walk out onto the stoop of the apartment complex and all we hear is this: [stern voice] “Elizabeth Ellis and Kim Bullock. Come to the car. Elizabeth Ellis and Kim Bullock. Come to the car. [Voice escalating] Elizabeth Ellis and Kim Bullock… come to the car.” And—like, my father and my mother was standing outside the car, and Kim Bullock and I walked down the stairs, and we get in the car. And the moment the doors shut, all the kids who had been smoking at that party—and I had not been smoking at that part, despite years later picking up the habit—I just—you close the doors and it just, like, filled the car. And to me—that is, like, my sense memory of that entire experience was—like what— [Baby cries in audience] [Low, excited voice] Who’s got a baby?
crosstalk
									
Liz: I know. [Raucous audience laughter.] [Theresa laughs delightedly.] Biz: That…and we just upset that baby. That…we just upset the baby. But we love you, baby. You’re a good baby. Theresa: That was a good baby noise. It was a real good baby noise. [Theresa giggles.]
crosstalk
									
Biz: Um…I will just forever remember feeling like I had just crushed my parents because of the cigarettes now? Theresa: Oh yeah. Liz: Yeah. It’s a shameful. Oh yeah. Biz: One day we’ll do a show on, like, punishments? We did not even get grounded. I just…lost their trust for four years. [Appreciative laughter from hosts and audience.] Theresa: Which is so much worse. Biz: Um… But it’s all better now.
biz
									
Okay. But all of this makes me think about things that, like, we—smell—smell is very personal to, you know, to each of us. And I was thinking about, like, what smells did you like as a kid? Like, when you were a kid? ‘Cause I mean—I think sometimes we associate things with like, “You are a big weirdo. You like that?” Um, I loved the smell of gasoline. I don’t anymore; but like as a kid, I was just like, [deep breath] “Just pull up to the Texaco.” [Audience and hosts laugh.] “Ahhhh.” I…loved the smell of gas! That’s, like, the main smell I can remember—I mean, there were like other smells like in the house that I really liked, you know, like if Momma was making Chex Mix? That smell of that butter and Worcestershire sauce would like, come up and I’d be like, [low, anticipatory voice] “Chex Miiiix.” [Regular voice] Um, Liz? [Biz agrees enthusiastically with Liz throughout.]
liz
									
Uh, when we first—one of the things that came to me was Teen Spirit? Because it’s obviously about being smelly? When I was younger, and that just…that is instant. I loved that smell. Teen Spirit popped into my head ‘cause it’s so strong. Yeah.
crosstalk
									
Theresa: I loved my bear. Liz and Biz: Awwwww. Theresa: The smell of my bear. [Through laughter] Totally. Biz: Everything’s gonna be okay! Theresa: I know! [Liz laughs. Biz and Liz agree with Theresa throughout.]
theresa
									
Yeah, I loved the smell of my bear. That’s the main one I remember. I don’t—I did not like gasoline, and I feel like there’s people who like it and people who don’t. Like, Gracie really likes it, and Oscar doesn’t like it. But Oscar…loves [laughs] he loves a lot of strange smells? [Biz laughs.] I mean, he loves, like, lavender, whatever. But then he also—he loves the smell of our garage. Like, he just wants to go into the garage and go like [deep breath]. [Biz and audience laugh.] And he would just stay there, smelling. And then he also loves the smell of our dogs’ kibble? Like, when it’s time to feed them every night and I, like, open the bin where we keep the kibble? I’m like, “Oscar, you can smell the dog food for a few seconds.” And so I’m—and he’s like, “Oh! My favorite smell!” and he comes over and just sticks his face in there and smells it! [Raucous audience laughter.] 
crosstalk
									
Theresa: [Through laughter] Just stinks. Liz: [Through laughter] That’s so sweet. Biz: You are such a good momma! I really like that! I love that you’re like, “Kibble time!” Liz: No kidding! I know! Biz: Way to honor your child’s likes. Theresa: Yeah. Yeah.
biz
									
Um… yeah! I’m trying to think, you know, my kids are just, like, weird all the time. I don’t know, like, what they like to—Katy Belle clearly likes to smell of Polo. Um… [Audience and hosts laugh.] I will say that there’s also times my kids are around people and their smell—like, my mother-in-law wears this really nice perfume, but it’s on Katy Belle. Like when Katy Belle comes home, you know, ‘cause they’ve hugged and all that stuff and that’s always, like, a weird sensation.
theresa
									
That is weird. When your kids come home smelling like someone else’s perfume. That’s a weird feeling. Yes.
crosstalk
									
[Liz, Biz, and Theresa affirm each other throughout.] Biz: Yeah! It’s a weird one! I’m like—I go to secretly sniff them and I’m like, “Whoa!” Yeah, so like, that— Liz: I remember that when they were babies. Taking them back, and being like, “Oh.” Biz: [Laughs.] Yeah. Don’t ever—somebody just takes your baby: “Give me that baby. I’m gonna rub her all over. Rub that baby all over.” Um… [Audience and hosts laugh.]
theresa
									
Can I tell a really quick story?
biz
									
Yes!
theresa
									
So…I just—I have this memory that I’ll just never forget. One of my dearest and oldest friends—I remember being at her family’s house for, like, a Christmas party or a New Year’s party? Something like that. There were tons of people there, um, it was like late at night, we were all dressed up, looking—you know, there were adults and kids and we’re running around and, you know, it’s getting late into the night and my friend—we must have been, like, really like, probably five? Or six? This was my friend from preschool. And she—she found me, she sought me out and she said, like, “I really need to talk to you”. And I’m like, “Okay.” And she’s like, “You know, alone. Like alone. I have to tell you something.” And I’m like, “Okay,” and so we, like, went and found her dad’s office and we went in her office and we shut the door so that no one could hear, and she said… “I like the smell of my own farts.” [Uproarious laughter from audience and hosts.]
biz
									
That’s a—it’s a good thing to like. ‘Cause they’ll always be with you. In the most intimate of settings.
crosstalk
									
Theresa: She was so upset about it. She was, like, really distressed. Liz: Oh, God! [Theresa agrees with Biz throughout.]
biz
									
But that, like, ties into the whole, like, “What makes a smell”—well, alright. We know—there’s things can make a bad smell. But, like, if we didn’t have things, like associated with, like, I don’t know—disease; don't go sniff gasoline all day, right? But like...it—Katy Belle came home the other day and she was like, “If you smell markers, it will give you brain damage.” And I said, “Okay. Let—alright.”
theresa
									
But not Crayola.
biz
									
Yeah. Like, what are you—what are you talking about? She said, you know, “Well I was—I had smelled this marker at school and I was like, ‘Hey, so-and-so, this smells like oranges!’” and so-and-so apparently had said, “Don’t smell that marker! It’ll give you brain damage!” And I was like…okay. Was it a scented marker? And she was like, “No.” And then I was like, “Are you having a stroke?” [Audience and hosts laugh.] Uh—but I was like, “Okay. Don’t sniff markers. Okay? That’s probably a good, like, general rule. But sniffin’ one every once in a while is not going to give you brain—you’re not, like, huffing paint. You know? You’re just… ‘Sniff…Mmmm.’” Sniffing the marker! But like, I do think people have associations like, like they like smells and you can’t really explain why. You just…really like—like it affects you, chemically somehow. Like sort of like how you pick a mate! Right? Or, like… [Biz agrees with Theresa throughout.]
theresa
									
That is true! And then I think as we age, we get these associations. Like, at some point, I assume, Oscar will start being embarrassed that he thinks dogs—[through laughter] dog food smells so good. [Biz cackles.] Maybe not.
biz
									
Maybe not! It’s a different time! Different times. [Theresa and Liz laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Liz: People are more open-minded these days about…things you can… Biz: That’s right. Look— [laughs]
biz
									
Oscar’s going to need to bring some kibble in his lunch. It just calms him down. “I need that.” But, like…for—for real! I think that there is, like, a general sense of, uh, you know, just—just lap on some shame as you get older for things that you like! [Feisty tone] I’ll smell my gasoline and I like it! I want to wrap up on this, and that is: do your children, outside of diapers and pooting and, like, those things—is there, like, a smell that your child, like, produces, or has, or has on them, or, like, at certain points of time where you’re like…I can’t stand this. [Biz agrees with Theresa throughout.]
theresa
									
Yeah. Well—the, like breath, and all that stuff. Like, especially—it doesn’t actually bother me that much now but when I was, like, pregnant I just remember being, like…really sad that I couldn’t, like, be near them at certain times. Or, like, the teeth brushing— [Liz laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Biz: I wonder if there was some sort of primal—primal thing happening. Theresa: Yeah, I know. Biz: Oh, yeah. The smell of kid’s Tylenol? Ugh. [Liz laughs.] Theresa: Oh, really? Liz: Oh, really? Biz: My kids, like, drink it; but now I’m just, like, I’m done. Fruity, fake-fruity smells—
crosstalk
									
Liz: It’s too much. Biz: I know. Weird. Liz: “I’m a weirdo.” Biz: Uh, did you see the way they looked at me all of a sudden? Uh… [Theresa and Liz giggle.] Biz: Liz, what do you have? [Biz and Theresa agree with Liz throughout.]
liz
									
You know what it is? It’s their—one of them in particular—her head. When—if it hasn’t been shampooed? I’ve even done, like, tea tree oil in the shampoo just to let it sit and really—it’s, like, a head smell. [Theresa laughs loudly. Audience laughs.] That I just—it was—it’s another change.
crosstalk
									
Theresa: So precious. Liz: Like, their little heads when they’re little! But now it’s like, ugh! Like, change the pillowcase, scrub your head. [Through laughter] I don’t know what it is. I feel really sensitive to it. Biz: Ugh! Get your head! [Cackles.] Maybe the other one’s just hiding stuff in there at night. Liz: [Through laughter] Maybe. Biz: Like, one of those smells. Um, thank you so much to Liz Sower! Everybody, Liz! [Audience applauds enthusiastically.] Liz: Thank you! Thank you. Biz: Thank you so much for coming up here and having the—talking with us about smells. [Enthusiastically] Yayyy! Wooo! [Audience cheers, continues applauding.]
biz
									
I guess we can just all wrap up with…sometimes being a parent… [pause] stinks. [Groans from audience.]
music
									
 “Ones and Zeroes” by Beehive Sessions begins playing and continues through dialogue. Electric guitar with heavy beat.
biz
									
They’re not all that great, guys. [Theresa and audience laugh.] [Music fades out.]
biz
									
[Cheerful acoustic guitar music begins, continues through dialogue.] One Bad Mother is brought to you in part by Michelin Tires.
theresa
									
Fellow parents: this has happened to all of us at some point. You’re driving in the car and your kids are arguing in the backseat; you turn around for a split second to break it up, and look back at the road, and suddenly there’s a car inches away from your front bumper. You slam on the brakes hoping to stop in time. You want tires that perform well with every stop. And that’s where Michelin comes in.
biz
									
Because stopping safely and consistently matters. When worn, Michelin Premier All-Season Tires come to a complete stop, while some other worn tires are still traveling over 15 miles per hour. So next time, when you’re looking for new tires for the family car, consider Michelin Premier All-Season Tires. Michelin: performance every time. [Music fades.]
theresa
									
Hey, you know what it’s time for! This week’s genius and fails. This is the part of the show where we share our genius moment of the week, as well as our failures, and feel better about ourselves by hearing yours. You can share some of your own by calling 206-350-9485. That’s 206-350-9485.
biz
									
Genius…fail time. Genius me, Theresa.
biz
									
Wow. Oh my God! Oh my God! I saw what you did. Oh my God! I’m paying attention! Wow. You, Mom, are a genius. Oh my God— [audience joins in] —that’s fucking genius! [Scattered laughter.]
theresa
									
Nice, guys. [Audience laughs appreciatively.] So…this was something that has been on my to-do list for quite a while that I finally got around to doing. Many of you already know I have a daughter who is transgender and I—this past week, finally, filed the petition for her name and gender change for her birth certificate. [Audience erupts into cheers and applause.] Um, and…it requires, you know, a lot of paperwork and…trying to figure out who to talk to and where to submit the right things and…depending on where you live it’s sometimes really impossible. Um, so I’m grateful that I was able to get everything submitted and Gracie’s reaction, I just thought I would also share, was, um, “You haven’t done that already?” [Audience laughs again; smattering of applause.] [Biz laughs uproariously.] It’s been, like, three years. She was happy, though. So.
biz
									
Oh my gosh. [With wild enthusiasm] You are doing such a good jooob! [Audience cheers loudly, applauds.] Yayyy! [Regular voice] Okay. Both of my children, for—just one year—are in the same school. [Light cheering and smattering of applause.] Uh…not sure how much that has to do with me, but it feels amazing and, like, Stefan and I both have been, like, after dropping them off, I’m like—we’re both—whenever one of us has done it, we’re like, “It’s a game-changer.” And I’m like, it is a game-changer! Like, to only have to go one place. As opposed to, like—
theresa
									
[As a mantra] She’s not doing this at me. She’s not doing this at me. [Through laughter] She’s not doing this at me. [Audience laughs wildly.]
biz
									
As opposed to having to go to, like, something like three schools or something? I know. It’s crazy. It’s crazy! And I had nothing to do with it and feel like a genius.
theresa
									
Good job.
biz
									
Thank you. [Audience cheers, applauds.] Thank you. Um, what is very fun about live shows is that we do live genius and fails. And you get a little trophy. So, uh, we are going to start with geniuses, and if we call your name, uh, come up to whichever mic is closest, and please share the genius or fail that you submitted! Uh, Olyx? [Scattered cheers, applause.] I know! Everybody’s like, “Ooh! Olyx is here?” Yes, he is! [Louder cheers, extended applause.] Just so everybody knows, Olyx was a Bad Men for a very long time on the One Bad Mother community, uh, message board? And that is some seriously hard work, and we really appreciate everything you did. And to all the Bad Mens who are here now—thank you guys so much. Really. Thank you. [Audience cheers, applauds.]
olyx
									
[Biz agrees emphatically throughout.] So, my kids are really into collecting rocks. Everywhere we go, rocks, wood chips, they fill their pockets. [Biz laughs.] So, my genius is—because we don’t want them in the house. We have rock collections everywhere. They have a rock collection at the park. They have a rock collection at the farm! They have a rock collection in the backyard. But not in my house. Biz and Theresa: So good! So good! [Loud audience laughter, cheering, applause.]
biz
									
[Theresa agrees with Biz throughout.] I love it! Very good job! [Audience cheers, applauds.] I’m just gonna start telling my kids that everything is somewhere else. “You have a collection at your friend’s house. You have a collection in this mall. You like all these clothes? This is where they live.” [Theresa and audience laugh loudly.] This is your collection. Uh, alright. Next, Laura, who had a, uh, stubborn two-year-old. Where are you, Laura? [Hosts and audience cheer, applaud.]
laura
									
Um, so my very stubborn two-year-old, at the end of the summer I realized he had no shoes that didn’t have holes in them or—or sandals, and I thought, you know, who doesn’t want to get a new pair of sneakers? And we went to the shoe store—oh—I was—I said, “Okay, we’re gonna go to the shoe store and you can get new shoes.” “NO.” [Biz laughs.] “NO shoes, Mama. NO.” And I was like, well, they’re like your brother’s shoes. Don’t you want shoes like your brother’s? “No. No shoes!” But he is super obsessed with baseball. And in a moment of, like, the most genius I’ve had in five years of parenting— [Biz and audience laugh appreciatively.] —I said, “But they’re baseball shoes.” And…he just said, “Baseball shoes?!” And we went to the store, and even though he’s very very shy, he let the woman, like, fit him and put them on. And he—for the last two—like, six weeks, will wear nothing but [in toddler voice] “No! I wear baseball shoes!” [Biz laughs loudly. Audience joins in.] “I wear baseball shoes!” And now my five-year-old calls them baseball shoes, and my husband calls them baseball shoes, and… I’m a genius.
theresa
									
Yes.
bi
									
[Yelling] You are a genius! [Audience and hosts cheer, applaud.] Alright. Um…Theana? I hope I’m pronouncing that correctly. Theana—Thenenne? Everybody’s on this side of the room, guys! [Audience cheers, applauds.] It’s okay. All of you have fails. [Audience laughs loudly.] I have no idea. Hello!
theana
									
Hi! I have a four-year-old who I picked up from preschool on Thursday, and he decided that he wanted me to call him by his best friend’s name. [Audience laughs.] And I was his best friend’s mom, and he was his best friend. And he was nicer to me than he has been— [Biz, Theresa, and audience erupt into wild laughter.] —for, like, the entire time that I’ve been taking him to preschool, which includes last year. Like—he was so nice to me, and every time I said, “Alright, sweetie”—or “sweetie,” using the best friend’s name, “It’s time for x, y, or z,” “Okay, Mama!”
biz, with theresa
									
Biz: Oh, it’s SO GOOD! Theresa: So good! Biz: I love it! You are a genius! [Biz laughs loudly. Audience cheers, applauds.] Biz: I love it. Now, we’re gonna do something unusual. Usually we do three geniuses and three fails. But…somebody wrote us a note, and they listed it as a genius but I will—it—it’s—somebody really kinda went above and beyond, uh, to get here tonight. So…Kendra? Will you share your experience? [Loud enthusiasm from small group of audience members.] Biz: Oh my God! This whole side! [In excited voice] Oh my God, she got a baby on her! [Theresa chuckles.]
kendra
									
Hi! [Nervous laugh.] Um, this is Isla. She’s four weeks old, and, uh— [Gasps and cooing from audience.] —a week ago I was listening to the podcast and I remembered you have a live show going on! And then you said Liz is coming, and I was like, three women who I adore in the same area, like I have to go. So I called my husband at work and I was like, “Hey, wanna go to Boston next week?” And he was like, “Sure! That’s fine.” So…
biz
									
Tell them where you’re from.
kendra
									
I’m from Virginia. [Laughs.] [Audience gasps, cheers, applauds.] So—we left the two older ones at home and we just took her ‘cause traveling with a newborn is super easy. And…so. [Biz laughs loudly.] When you have two kids, like, you realize that. Who are older. So, yeah! Came here and, I’m so happy to be here! [Laughs.] [Audience applauds loudly, cheers.]
biz
									
You are, like, our—so we have a special trophy for you, to let you know that you are doing such a good job. That is so sweet. Do we have more than one baby in this crowd tonight? [Scattered “yes” from audience.] Yes! I love this so much. [Audience laughs.] [Through laughter] My sister’s, like, “I can smell a baby!” [Theresa laughs loudly.] Everybody give the baby to my sister. [Hosts and audience all laugh.] Uh, alright. Let’s move on to… [sighs] failures.
theresa
									
Fail. Fail. Fail. FAIL.
crosstalk
									
[Biz and audience join in, enthusiastically] You suck! [Light audience laughter.]
biz
									
Fail me, Theresa.
theresa
									
So…it’s possible…that— [Biz cackles.] —due to other parenting experiences, I may have some issues around giving my child a name. [Biz laughs loudly.] So…Curtis, my two-and-a-half-year-old, some of you may have noticed when I slipped up on the podcast a few weeks ago—he also has a nickname, “Frankie.” Um— [Biz chuckles.] And…he—I will also share an additional name that he goes by regularly, which is “Gaga.”
biz
									
What? [Light laughter from the audience.]
theresa
									
He gave himself that name. Like…probably…six or nine months ago. He started calling himself “Gaga.” And…considering his speech development things that were going on, we were like, “That’s cool. You’re communicating the way you want to be— _[laughs]—referred to.” And, plus, it was, like, really cute. So we were calling him “Gaga,” like, all the time. And I sort of thought, like, “Hm, is this gonna be, like a little bit confusing? Uh, we don’t—we are calling him a lot of things.” [Audience and Biz crack up.] Um, and then, like, Jesse calls him “Meatball,” like, 50% of the time. [Audience laughs at length.] Um, so…at preschool he’s been going by Frankie, but then…recently, he was asking me about this poster of Curtis Mayfield, and I was explaining to him who Curtis Mayfield was, and kind of, like, connecting that with his name, and he was kind of like, “What, that’s my name,” like, trying to, like, put that together. And ever since then, he’s been, like, for, like, for a while he was saying, when people would, like—he’s two-and-a-half, so he likes to kinda, like, contradict people for no reason sometimes? So [laughs]. [Biz laughs shortly.] If you call him Gaga he would sometimes say, [in toddler voice] “My name not Gaga! My name Frankie!” And then, if you’d say, call him Frankie, he might say, like, “My name not Frankie! My name Gaga!” Like, like, you’d just, like, kinda whatever the moment, like… So, my mom is there right now, and when she got there yesterday we were putting him in the car seat to take him to preschool, and she said “something something Frankie,” and he said, “My name not Frankie!” And then she said, “Oh, okay. What—what do you want me to call you?” And he said, [exhausted toddler voice] “Me don’t know.” [Audience laughs loudly.]_
biz
									
Awww. Baby. Number three. [Laughs.] Oh, baby. Aw.
theresa
									
Yeah.
biz
									
Well, yeah, you’re doing a horrible job.
theresa
									
[Through laughter] I know. [Raucous audience laughter.]
crosstalk
									
Biz: God. How do you sleep at night? [Laughs.] Uh, okay. This is…not—but yeah! [Laughs.] I told—no. How do any of us sleep at night? Theresa: It’s just, like, I give up. [Laughs.] Biz: I was like, yeah, how do we sleep? [Laughs.] Um, okay.
biz
									
Some of you may know that, uh, I am a fan of Alabama football. And—Roll tide! [Single “Roll Tide!” from audience. A few boos.] Yes—Roll Tide! I know. Don’t worry. Um— [Audience laughs.] So already—we’re already struggling this season. Anyway, it’s something my father and I, we call each other throughout the game and talk—Theresa actually got to witness some of that today—
theresa
									
Very cute, you guys. Very cute.
biz
									
I’m like, [singsong voice] “Touchdown! I love Waddle!” Like, and these players—anyway, um, Alabama’s biggest— —[dramatic voice] nemesis— —[regular voice] is Auburn, who is a— [A couple of cheers from the audience, plus “Woo! War Eagles!”] [Biz laughs.] You guys lucked out two games ago. That was unbelievable! [Audience laughs.] Um, anyway, so…that would be a good example of what life in the state of Alabama is like all the time. Uh, and…in fact, do you have gear on right now? [Laughs.] I have gear somewhere with me. Yes. Okay, good. I have gear on my keychain! Anyhoo. Basically, we’re ‘Bama people. Not Auburn people. Not that that really matters in the grand scheme of the world, but my father will often comment that he lives in a neighborhood full of Auburn people, and—it’s just, like, a funny thing. You know. I mean, no one’s—he likes everybody. But it’s the old, [mimics elderly voice] “Oh, the flags are out!” You know, like, the Auburn flag, and the Alabama flag—[elderly voice again] “Not invited to the Christmas party again this year!” [Light audience laughter.]
biz
									
Like, that kind of thing. But recently, we were doing a birthday party for Katy Belle and everybody was getting to make jewelry, and the beads that Ellis had picked were blue and orange, and I made the mistake of making like, [high voice] “Oh, you can’t use those! Those are Auburn colors!” … to a five-year-old. And he was like, “What?” And I was like, ‘They’re Auburn colors. And—it—it’s Alabama’s biggest nemesis!” [Serious voice] “I am for Auburn now.” [Audience laughs loudly.] And I said, “Say wha?!” And he goes, “I am for Auburn now.” And I said, [high voice] “Yo Grandpa is not gonna be happy about that!” [Audience laughs.] And he was like, “War Eagle!” Now, what no one knows—‘cause why would you—is Ellis, the big game between Auburn and Alabama is called the "Iron Bowl." And Ellis was born on the Iron Bowl. And Auburn won. And so we knew—
theresa
									
Oh. [Audience laughs.]
biz
									
[Theresa agrees with Biz throughout.] —at some point in time this was going to happen. [Audience laughter grows.] Um—we’re like—thirty minutes! I was like, “Oh my God, this is gonna be kind of an annoying problem that I don’t want to deal with!” [Theresa and audience laugh.] And, uh, then he gave it up. But! Man. It was close, and I was like, “All I could have said was ‘Nice beads.’” [Audience laughs.] That’s all I had to fuckin’ say. “Nice beads.” Alright. Let’s see how you guys are doing. [Cackles.] Okay. Alyssa Jane? Alyssa Jane? [Triumphantly] She’s on that side!
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Yes! Biz: I knew it! [Audience applauds.] Theresa: The fail side! Biz: Alright. Oh my gosh, this cracks me up.
alyssa jane
									
[Biz agrees with Alyssa Jane throughout.] This is exciting. Um, so—I had a very busy day today. I had to get here on time. Had a lot to do; my husband was working, we had library opening of a new room, we had first Spanish class, first day of soccer—it’s been very busy. I decided to sneak in a trip to the grocery store with both children right at my two-year-old’s naptime. That was my first fail. But I thought I’d be really quick; I could—both kids in the—in the cart. And then put all the groceries underneath so that I could be in full control of them. Very quick in and out. So somehow as we’re checking out they’re both out of the cart, my two-year-old and my six-year-old, “helping” unload the groceries, which means my two-year-old took the 18 eggs? [Biz and audience groan.] By the top, and just…all. All out. On the ground. It was like, maintenance? [Theresa and audience laugh.] “Checkout, aisle six.” I’m like, that was me.
biz
									
Yeah. “There’s a lady with a baby here who, uh, just let this child be in public!” Yeah!
alyssa jane
									
Yeah. Huge fail.
crosstalk
									
Biz: Yeah. Well, you get a trophy! Hold on! Theresa: Yeah! Hold on! Biz: [Enthusiastically] You’re doing horrible! [Hosts and audience applaud, cheer.] Alyssa Jane: Thank you.
biz
									
[Scathing tone] How dare you go to the grocery store with your children. It’s just a nightmare. [Laughs.]
theresa
									
[Biz agrees with Theresa throughout.] The key words from that were “full control.” [Audience laughs appreciatively.] That was my takeaway. [Laughs.] [Biz cackles.] Could be in full control of my kids. Yeah. Sure.
biz
									
Allison Keely? Allison Keely? Where are— Ooh! She’s in the middle! [Audience applauds. Biz and Theresa agree throughout.]
allison
									
So…both my kids were at the same daycare for a while. Now I have one in kindergarten, which actually makes things easier because I don’t have to wrangle two of them out. But on Fridays, we have to take home their bag with all their stuff in; and so on Friday, I come home with our bag and I get a text, and I ignore it, and it’s after six when daycare closes. The text says: “Some—did someone take home a special bunny?”
biz
									
Oh my God. [Audience gasps.]
allison
									
So I go and I look in my bag and yes, indeed, I did not take my kid’s stuff home. I took home the special bunny. And it just—I felt…so…I just heard, like, “You suck!” [Hosts and audience laugh loudly.] Like, I am just, like, I am just a horrible person that took home someone’s special bunny. Luckily, I went to my son, I said, “Do you know whose bunny this is?” And he said, “Oh yeah, that’s so-and-so’s” and I had a birthday invitation— [Biz gasps; audience applauds lightly] —in my email with the phone and I texted and I said, “I have your special—I have your special bunny. I will meet you anywhere to get this—
biz
									
$10,000! [Theresa giggles.]
allison
									
—my heart just dropped out. Luckily, they were like, “As long as we know the special bunny’s safe, it’s fine.” [Theresa and audience laugh.] I felt [through laughter, whispering] so bad but I—I failed. But it’s fine.
biz
									
[Theresa agrees emphatically with Biz throughout.] This is… so terrifying. Like, this is now gonna become a nightmare for all of us. Like, “Could I live this day?” You are doing…such a horrible job. But I have to say—the genius, though, is like, putting together the, like, “I’ve got a birthday invitation somewhere.” I have dug through emails for birthday invitations, but still you’re doing a horrible job.
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Yeah. You still suck. Biz: Yeah. You still suck. [Audience cheers, applauds.] [Biz giggles.]
biz
									
Okay. Sitara? [Audience cheers. Biz joins in.]
sitara
									
[Biz agrees throughout.] Okay. So this was a couple months ago, and, um, my—my kid was, like, busy playing, which is—and quietly? And I was like…okay, I can sneak in a shower today! Um, and I was, like, [inaudible] self, I’ll, like, play some music for myself! So put on—got my phone, was playing something, like, dancing in the—in the shower. I left that—my husband wasn’t home so I, like, left the door open? So, um, of course the dog and the kid came into the bathroom. Um, and so, my kid, like, took my phone; and I’m like, it’s okay. Like, it’s password-protected. Like, what’s the worst that’s gonna happen. [Foreboding groans from audience; morphs into laughter.] And so I’m like, well, I’ll just, like, you know, I’m like, I’m happy, I’m showering, and so I’m like, and then he pulls the curtain and he’s like, “Oh hey, Mom!” I’m like, “Hey!” Like, I’m so nice to you. ‘Cause, like—I’m showering. And you know? And singing. Um, and so like I step out and I start, like, drying myself. And he’s just hanging out; he has my phone, and I’m like, “Again, like, what’s the worst that could happen?” And then he’s, like, “Hey, smile, Mommy!” And I’m like—“Wait, what?!” And I take the phone from him and he had pulled up the camera, ‘cause like, it’s an iPhone so the camera’s just, like swipe up! Camera! Um, there was a video of me doing every fucking thing! [Biz cackles; audience laughs raucously, applauds.] The angle…was not flattering.
biz
									
It wasn’t from above! You’re right!
sitara
									
[Biz continues agreeing throughout.] And…I just fucking prayed that he hadn’t loaded that onto some—I was just, like, I am terrified to look at my Cloud, ‘cause I don’t know? [Audience laughs. Theresa giggles.] I don’t know where there are naked videos of me, um, from—you know, I was being myself! And I don’t know what I wiped, guys! Like, I don’t know what—[breaks off, laughing.]
biz
									
Yeah. Yeah. You just delete it! That’s what you do! You don’t—
sitara
									
I—Yeah. I delete it, um but yeah! He thought it was a photo! It was, uh, videos.
biz
									
Wow. You… are doing a horrible job. [Audience cheers, applauds enthusiastically.] Guys…and it’s true. We’re all doing horrible, all the time. I love that story so much.
theresa
									
Me, too.
music
									
“Mom Song” by Adira Amram. Moody, indie piano music. Biz: Sing along! [Audience joins in. Biz and Theresa occasionally giggle throughout.] You are the greatest mom I’ve ever known I love you, I love you When I have a problem, I call you on the phone I love you, I love you And when I… [Music fades out.]
theresa
									
[Jazzy piano music plays lightly in the background.] One Bad Mother is supported in part by Mathnasium. As our kids are settling back into school, give them the Mathnasium advantage to help them have the best year yet.
biz
									
Woo! Katy Belle loves math. So when school ended last year, I was sure that all the math that she had learned was just gonna stay there and blossom and grow like a beautiful math tree in her head. Turns out…I was wrong. [Laughs.] We went to Mathnasium over the summer with the thought that it was just gonna be fun bonus math! [Laughs.] Turns out, Katy Belle didn’t remember anything. Mathnasium was great. They were super fun, they created a customized learning plan for her, and there’s face-to-face instruction, and they can even help with homework!
theresa
									
Start the schoolyear off right. Schedule an assessment with Mathnasium today. It’s risk-free. We have a special URL and a phone number just for our listeners. Go to Mathnasium.com/obm today, or call 855-354-MATH. That’s Mathnasium.com/obm, or call 855-354-MATH. [Jazz piano finishes tune, fades out.]
promo
									
[Mellow ukulele music plays in background.] Announcer: Welcome! Speaker 1: Thank you. Speaker 2: Thanks! Speaker 3: No problem. Speaker 4: Thank you. Announcer: These are real podcast listeners, not actors. What do you look for in a podcast? Speaker 1: Reliability is big for me. Speaker 2: Power. Speaker 3: I’d say comfort? Announcer: What do you think of this? [Loud metallic crash and clanging.] All: Ooh. Speaker 2: That’s Jordan, Jesse, Go! Speaker 1: Jordan, Jesse, Go!? Speaker 2: They came out of the floor? [Loud thump.] Speaker 2: And…down from the ceiling? Speaker 3: That… can’t be safe. Speaker 2: I’m upset. Can we go now? Announcer: Soon. [Music that sounds like it would have backed a 1990s commercial starts.] Announcer: Jordan, Jesse, Go!: a real podcast. [Music fades out.]
promo
									
[Ocean sounds in the background.] Speaker 1: [Piratey voice] Ahh. There’s nothing quite like sailing in the calm, international waters on my ship, the S.S. Biopic (bi-AH-pic). [Ship’s horn toots.] Speaker 2: [Piratey voice] Avast! It’s actually pronounced… “BI-oh-pic.” Speaker 1: No, ya dingus! It’s “Bi-AH-pic!” Speaker 2: Who the hell says that? It’s “BI-oh-pic!” It comes from the words “biology”— Speaker 1: It’s the words for “biography” and “picture!” [Car horn honks.] Speaker 2: If you— Dave Holmes: Alright, that is enough! Ahoy! I’m Dave Holmes; I’m the host of the newly-rebooted podcast formerly known as International Waters! Designed to resolve petty—but persistent—arguments like this! How? By pitting two teams of opinionated comedians against each other with trivia and improv games, of course! Winner takes home the right to be right. Speaker 1: What podcast be this? Dave: It’s called Troubled Waters! [Car engine revving, driving off.] Where we disagree to disagreeee! [Voice trails off into the distance.]
biz
									
So…live shows are also kinda special because, uh, I remember the very first time we did a live show we were, like, “Do we ask people to write down rants? ‘Cause that would be weird.” [Light audience laughter.] And…have a very different impact, I think, if you—like, who wants to stand up and have a breakdown in front of—well, every week. [Audience laughter.] But—um—for the most part it’s weird, so we played one like we do on the show, and then collectively we can all just, sort of, like, absorb, uh, what this mom was going through and…we’ve been doing that ever since at the live shows. So…let’s…listen to a mom have a breakdown.
caller
									
[Wobbly voice] This is a mom having a breakdown. Well, I guess an aunt having a breakdown today. I have a four-year-old and a seven-month-old, and I agreed to watch my 13-year-old nephew and 11-year-old niece for a week. [Audience “Ooooh”s. Biz laughs quietly.] Because their parents are having financial trouble and can’t put them in camp every week because of course they can’t. And so I’ve got them. And I didn’t know how emotionally draining an 11-year-old girl could be. [Light audience laughter.] Especially when she loves my seven-year-old baby so much. And I’m just…I don’t have the emotional capacity to…to help her this week. [Crying.] And to make her feel loved. And I’m doing…I’m trying. I’m trying. But I can’t—she’s so much. She’s always in my space. She’s always in my baby’s space and I just…[sobs] it’s so much. And I didn’t know I was signing on for that and I don’t know if I would have said yes if I knew I was signing on for that. [Tearful sigh.] And I still have them for another four days and they were supposed to go camping today but [sigh] my husband was going to take them but then he broke his thumb. [Audience responds sympathetically.] And then he couldn’t take them and they were so sad. And now…now I’ve got these disappointed preteens in my house. And I don’t think the week is turning out to be what they wanted it to be and I just wanted it to be magical for them and I don’t know why I thought I could do that when I have a four-year-old and a baby. [Sobs.] And I just feel like now I’m letting everybody down and…[inaudible] left over and I’m getting the end of summer blues because it’s just not enough time to do everything I want to do. [Sobs.] Now I have to take care of my stupid husband who broke his stupid thumb. [Laughs through tears.] [Audience laughs raucously and applauds.] And it’s just one more person who needs me. [Sobs.] That’s it. I’m just…I just need a break from being needed. You guys are doing a good job. Thanks. [Lots of sympathetic sounds from audience. Someone starts clapping; everyone else joins in. Scattered cheers.]
biz
									
[Theresa repeatedly interjects “Yeah” throughout.] First of all, you are doing…an incredible job. There’s a lot going on in this one? Like, especially the, like, “I didn’t know, like, an 11-year-old girl could be”—you know, I mean, you—I, I get that. You think…they’re not babies! So…that should be—they can just do their own thing!
crosstalk
									
Theresa: They are easier in so many ways, but like—yeah. Biz: Yeah. But. But it’s different. Theresa: It’s different, yeah. [Theresa agrees with Biz emphatically as Biz speaks.]
biz
									
And it’s like… like we’ve, got, you know, Katy Belle’s ten, and her friends will come over and—yeah! I mean, some are, like, really into other—I mean, I’ve seen them, like, with people’s babies, you know? [High, energetic voice] “Can I hold the baby?! Hold the baby?!” Or the cats. Let’s say they chase the cats around. I’m like, [nervous voice] “One finger touch…” You know? [Audience laughs.] And like…um, and they’re not doing it out of spite. They’re not being mean. They’re not doing anything—they’re just—they’re just 11. You know? And… [sighs] I think for me, what gets me is this…like…self-view that she’s in charge of all the emotions of everybody in the house. That’s she’s responsible for that and…I am in therapy for that.
theresa
									
Yeah. [Bursts out laughing.] [Audience laughs, slowly begins cheering.]
biz
									
You know? Yeah.
theresa
									
[Biz agrees with Theresa several times.] I—can I add—yeah. Yes! But also, I think— [Biz bursts out laughing.] Like, it’s just such an interesting dynamic with her, like, taking on the niece and nephew, you know, when she has the baby and the four-year-old and I think I…sometimes also take on [laughs] more than is reasonable, and also…that conflict of feeling like this is so hard but also, like, I wanted this to be fun. Like, I thought I could do this; and not only did I think I could do this, and I—I can, like, mom up and do this—but also, like, I’m gonna have fun with this! I’m gonna make this magical—I mean, she actually says, “I’m gonna make this magical for them. I wanted this to be magical.” And that’s…I think—even when you’re not taking care of, like, somebody else’s kids, just with our own kids, I think—I think sometimes those expectations? Like, that we have the power to make something amazing or fun or magical? Um, in the face of, like, all the work of it? Is, like, just really hard to actually actualize. It’s just, like, really hard to actually do. And that’s kind of painful sometimes, ‘cause you’re like, “What am I doing here?” I have to have, like, hopes and dreams, I’m like, try to make it great. [Theresa periodically interjects “yeah” as Biz speaks.]
biz
									
[Laughs.] Yeah, it’s also that—the disappointment of, “I thought I could do this.” I thought I could do this. I remember after Katy Belle, it was, like…I had been home for a couple weeks and we needed something from the store and I was like, “I can go to the store.” And it was—I was living in Brooklyn so I was gonna have to walk, and I was like, “I can do that.” And…I remember coming back and I, like—I was just crying? On the streets of Brooklyn? Being, like, “I can’t do this. Like, I don’t even think I can make it back to the house; and, like, I shouldn’t have done this.” And then…that feeling of…what the fuck? Why can’t I do this? You know? I mean, in every—you know, experience is different and how your body reacts to, you know, each child—I mean, when I had Ellis, I remember we went to the, like, Natural History Museum when he was, like, four or five weeks old. ‘Cause Katy Belle wanted to go and I thought, “I can do this!” you know? And it wasn’t like Brooklyn, but I remember standing there being like, “Why did I think I could do—why did I think I wanted to do this?” And…and yet…I keep doing that! Like, even now! With children who are fairly functioning, you know. I mean—I think—but I think there’s something like, really disappointing, and we bury that with the other things that are upsetting? Because it’s such a reminder of… “I’m not able to do the thing I was doing before I had kids in the house.” And I—
crosstalk
									
Theresa: Yeah. Or “this just doesn’t look like I wanted it to look like. Like, I just… Yeah. Biz: Thought. Yeah. Ugh. I fucking hate that. [Audience laughs.] Theresa: [Through laughter] I know. Yeah. [Theresa enthusiastically and frequently agrees with Biz throughout.]
biz
									
It’s hard, you know? Like, and you’re doing—you’re doing such a good job, and you’re doing so nice—and by the way, it is so clear that she loves her husband and does not think her husband is a stupid idiot. I mean, like, that is a classic, like, “and a broken thumb!” I mean, like, it’s not like he was playing video games the whole time. He broke his thumb! But that feeling of… “I was counting on you to be able to do this thing and I was gonna have a break with,” you know, that’s the disappointment of, you know, “I had it planned” which is the other layer of that onion! It’s the…”I had this planned, and it probably would have been…easier, a little bit, if they had had a change to go camping!” You know? And, like…but then…you know. Nothing—things change. Constantly. Whatever you plan doesn’t always work out, and it doesn’t wind up the way we thought it was gonna wind up, and that fuckin’ sucks. And you’re doing a remarkable job.
theresa
									
Yeah, you are.
crosstalk
									
Biz: I guarantee you…yeah. You’re doing a really good job. I’m not gonna guarantee you anything. You are—I’m just— [Audience laughs.] Theresa: I guarantee you, you’re doing a really good job. Biz: I guarantee you you’re doing a really good job. We see you. Theresa: Yeah. [Audience applauds enthusiastically.]
biz
									
Theresa, what did we learn today? [Audience laughs lightly.] Well…we learned that things smell. [Scattered audience laughter.] Sometimes it smells like trouble, sometimes it smells like a sweet little baby. [Audience laughs a little louder.] Um…and that we have good instincts to know when smell can help us protect our children and when smell can help us bust our children for whatever they are doing. I cannot wait—I always have this fantasy of, like, “Oh, I hope my kids smoke pot.” And then I’m just gonna go in, and I’m gonna take half of their pot. [Uproarious audience laughter.] And then when they come back in, they’re gonna be, like, “Ooh, half my pot is gone!” But then they’re gonna have to decide if they wanna come out and be, like, “Did you take half my pot?” [Raucous audience laughter, plus cheering and applause.] I, like—like they’re just gonna have to live with the fact that I’m always gonna take half of their stash. And sell it to their friends. [More raucous audience laughter, with scattered applause.]
biz
									
[Singsong voice] Momma needs a new… carpet cleaner! [Laughs.] Um—that is true. The carpet, Liz? That is the thing. The carpet—everybody—I just wanna circle back on this, ‘cause sometimes we do that. I remember thinking, when we moved into our house, “Yeah! We should have carpet so when I’m down on the floor playing with the baby!—” that carpet is nasty. [Audience laughs.] It is…nasty. We never are going to have carpet ever again. So we learned that. We learned that I can—[breaks off, laughing]—identify gas smells. We learned a lot. We learned that Liz Sower is a delight, and if you are not listening to Ghost in the Burbs, uh, you should be! It’s very spooky, so you don’t have to listen at night. You can listen like I do, when I’m cleaning! [Audience laughs. Theresa chuckles.] And then I constantly think somebody’s [panicky voice] right behind me! [Regular voice] Um, it’s just the cat. Did we learn anything else? [Pause] No. [Biz cackles.] No. Guys, you are doing a really good job. This is…so incredibly hard on multiple levels. There were so many of these slips of paper that were just “I got out of the house.” And that is a genius.
biz
									
[Theresa agrees with Biz throughout.] I mean, it’s— [Audience breaks into applause.] Like, even when you really want to go somewhere? It’s still really hard to go. Like, the weather is changing, people are back in school or babies are not in school— [Light audience laughter.] You know, I was listening to a lot of the calls today, and I was just like—how—I—so many, again, August—very rant-y time period—the—the line that I kept hearing come through was, “How am I supposed—how am I supposed to get this done?” I don’t fucking know. [Light audience laughter.] Like, I—Theresa and I are texting each other all the time and it’s like, I just— [laughs] Like, I just got everybody off to school. That should be all that’s expected of me today. [Audience laughs, applauds, cheers.] I mean, like, I honestly—like, and when I see people out on the street like, with their baby—“How did you get here with a baby?” [Audience laughs.] You know? Like, you’re doing amazing. Like, you’re amazing that you did that! And like…you’re amazing that you got out of the house. That you go to work. That you…you know, make sure there’s food in the house sometimes! That, like…you know. You put clothes on! I—like, that are okay. [Audience laughs louder.] Um…yeah! I just…
theresa
									
[Biz agrees with Theresa throughout.] There are so many steps. [Biz laughs.] Like…all the time. [Through laughter] To every single thing that we’re doing.
biz
									
I know! And then we just…I don’t know. I don’t know. It…I don’t know. It’s not very fun out there right now sometimes. [Laughs.] And that makes it harder sometimes? And… I just…I think what I’ve learned from the One Bad Mother community, like, over all these years is—there are really great people out there who are getting up, doing it, going back to bed, and then getting up and doing it again the next day. And…it reminds me to be nice when I see somebody struggling or when somebody’s being a real jerk. I have to sometimes try and remember, “Oh. I have no idea what’s happening.” Like, if you ran into this mom somewhere, you have no idea that’s dealing with, like, the emotional weight of having those tweens there. You know what I mean? Like…you don’t know. And, you know. Let’s just all go out and try to be nice to each other. [Raucous audience applause, with some cheering.] And that said, you guys are doing…a remarkable job, and we see you. Really.
theresa
									
Mm-hm.
biz
									
We would like to thank our amazing producer, Hannah Smith. [Cheers, applauds.] [Audience applauds.] Everyone here at the WBUR City Space—damn, this place is nice! [Audience laughs, begins to applaud again.] I love it! Uh…our wonderful guest, Liz Sower. From Ghost in the Burbs. Uh, everyone over at Maximum Fun, and you. Theresa, you are doing… a really good job.
theresa
									
Thanks, Biz. So are you.
biz
									
Thank you. And we will talk to you guys next week.
biz & theresa
									
[Together] Byeee! [Raucous cheering and applause from audience.]
music
									
“Mama Blues” Cornbread Ted and the Butterbeans. Jangly, acoustic guitar. I got the lowdown momma blues I got the lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues The lowdown momma blues Gots the lowdown momma blues Got the lowdown momma blues You know that’s right [Audience chattering in background.] [Music slowly fades out.]
speaker 1
									
[Guitar strums.] MaximumFun.org.
speaker 2
									
Comedy and culture.
speaker 3
									
Artist owned—
speaker 4
									
—Audience supported.
About the show

One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren’t all magical vessels!
Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing.
Call in your geniuses and fails: 206-350-9485. For booking and guest ideas, please email onebadmother@maximumfun.org. To keep up with One Bad Mother on social media, follow @onebadmothers on Twitter and Instagram.
Get in touch with the show

People

Biz Ellis

Host
Gabe Mara

Producer
How to listen

Stream or download episodes directly from our website, or listen via your favorite podcatcher!