TRANSCRIPTION Judge John Hodgman Ep. 709: Barking and Entering

[00:00:00]

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Jesse Thorn: Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I’m Bailiff Jesse Thorn. This week, “Barking and Entering”! David brings the case against his roommate, Logan. David and Logan own a home together. David has a husky named Voltar. When David lets Voltar out into the yard, he leaves the door open so Voltar can let himself back in. Logan says when the door is left open, the heating system kicks in. This makes Logan unbearably hot. Logan says human comfort is more important than dog comfort. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Only one can decide.

Please rise, as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

(Chairs squeak, followed by heavy footsteps and a door closing.)

John Hodgman: “Reasons my husky got mad at me this week. Number one, he couldn’t get down the stairs at my boyfriend’s place, because they were too steep, so my boyfriend had to carry him. I will be taking full accountability for the angle of the stairs. I should have been there when they were building the house 20 years before I was born to ensure that they installed an acceptable slope for my husky. Reason number two, I stopped letting him inside, outside, outside, inside, inside, outside after an hour at the end of the day. I am his employee, and if he wants to go inside, outside, outside, inside for 24 hours a day, it’s on me to open and close the door for him as much as he pleases. And speaking of opening doors, number three: I didn’t open the door all the way. And even though he could 100% open it himself, why should he have to exert any extra energy when I’m clearly right there? So, I really just need to stop being so lazy and stop making my dog so angry.”

Bailiff Jesse Thorn, please swear the litigants in.

Jesse Thorn: David, Logan, please rise and raise your right hands.

(Chairs squeak.)

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God-or-Whatever?

(They swear.)

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman’s ruling, despite the fact that the real expert on huskies is my eccentric Aunt Gail?

(They chuckle and swear.)

She runs Norsled Rescue in Oakland, California.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

John Hodgman: Thank you, David and Logan. You may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors.

(Chairs squeak.)

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom? Eh, I don’t know, but—Logan, what’s your guess?

Logan: I’m gonna just throw it out there that maybe it was something quoted from Cesar Millan?

John Hodgman: Something quoted from Cesar Millan.

Logan: Isn’t he the dog guy?

John Hodgman: I don’t know. Is Cesar Millan a dog guy?

David: Yeah. He is a dog guy.

John Hodgman: He’s a dog guy?

Jesse Thorn: Controversial dog guy.

John Hodgman: Controversial dog guy!

Jennifer Marmor: Dog whisperer.

John Hodgman: Oh, he’s a dog whisperer.

Jesse Thorn: Yeah. This guy whispers to dogs.

John Hodgman: Well, it says here on the internet he’s a canine professional.

Jesse Thorn: I don’t know. A canine professional is more like Eddie from Frasier.

John Hodgman: Yeah, I was going to say, that’s a working dog. Can you tell me why he’s controversial, Jesse Thorn? Do you know why?

Jesse Thorn: Yeah, it’s his training methods focus on dominating your dogs.

John Hodgman: Oh no, forget about it. That’s not happening in David and Logan’s house anyway. David, what’s your guess?

David: Believe it or not, I am surprised Logan didn’t know this. He sends me these videos all the time. I don’t know the name, unfortunately. It is a YouTube series of shorts where this gal and her really, really vocal husky just runs the house. Do you remember his name at all?

John Hodgman: Why? If he remembers the name, then I’m going to rule in his favor. David, you should keep it to yourself.

David: I’ll keep it to myself.

John Hodgman: Do you remember the name, Logan?

David: I don’t know the name for the life of me now.

John Hodgman: And Logan, you don’t remember either?

Logan: No, I can’t say that I do.

John Hodgman: Alright. The name of the account—and by the way, David, you’re absolutely right. We’re still going to hear the case, because you couldn’t name it.

David: Sure.

John Hodgman: And even if you could name it, I would find some other reason to disqualify you, because we are doing a podcast here after all. But I really appreciate you guess. By the way, better than Cesar Millan. No offense, Logan. But you did a bad job.

Logan: That’s alright.

John Hodgman: No, you both were terrific. The answer is I was reading a transcript of a YouTube video entitled “Another Week of My husky Being Angry With Me” from the YouTube channel titled Levi the Rescue husky. You’re absolutely right, David, that Levi is particularly vocal—particularly about floors and doors and stairs, especially hardwood floors. He will not walk on hardwood floors, so his human companion, the woman who was narrating the video, is constantly putting down long carpet runners and doormats so that Levi can move from room to room. But this does not rescue her from being in trouble for having hardwood floors in the first place.

And in past— You know, we do our member mailbag, which is the members only; it goes out in the bonus content feed for members only, where we read all of your letters and talk about them. And I’ve been saying for the past couple of weeks over in the membo mailbag that I believe that cats are weirder than dogs. I’m obsessed with videos of cats obsessively carrying large stuffed animals from room to room. Obviously, dogs have odd habits and preferences too, but I always felt like that’s because dogs are just kind of goofballs.

[00:05:00]

Whereas cats are neurotic and strange. But now that I’ve been visiting with various huskies on social media, including Levi the rescue husky, I realize I may be wrong. Because huskies are weird. Isn’t that right, David? They’re weird.

David: Yeah, yeah, they can be. They’re considered, I believe, the cat of the dog breed or something similar.

(They chuckle.)

John Hodgman: Well, so first of all, let me understand what’s going on here, David. You and Logan are housemates. Is that right?

David: Yeah, we’ve been roommates for a good seven years, six years—something like that—through four different houses. And it was the fourth house where we finally said, “Hey, you know what? We’ll, just buy one together instead of renting.” So.

John Hodgman: Right. But Voltar the husky is the landlord, is actually your boss.

David: He kind of runs the place in a way. Yeah.

John Hodgman: Right. And this is in Portland, Oregon.

David: We’re in Salem, Oregon. So, about an hour—

John Hodgman: Salem, the capital of Oregon!

David: The capital of Oregon. Yeah.

John Hodgman: What, are you both the state legislators?

David: We are both state legislators, yeah.

John Hodgman: Now, for those of you who are watching on the YouTube, you may notice that I am wearing my formal robes today. Because we just came off of a leg of tour where we performed in Portland as well as Seattle and Vancouver. Incredible shows. San Francisco as well. In Los Angeles, our show went late at Dynasty Typewriter, a wonderful venue. We can’t wait to play there again. But as a result, the drag show that was following us was delayed. One of the stars of the drag show, as compensation, demanded that I give her my robes. So, I did!

(They chuckle.)

David: Oh, lovely.

Jesse Thorn: Yeah. I mean, to be fair, they had planned a Kramer vs. Kramer number that required a judge’s robe for the judge. (Laughing.) The judge, who was going to be played by a baby doll they introduced as their baby.

John Hodgman: Yeah, everything worked out according to their plan and the universe’s plan.

Jesse Thorn: Yeah, their vision was clear, let’s put it that way. (Giggles.)

John Hodgman: I just had to take a moment to, for the YouTube viewers over at @JudgeJohnHodgmanPod over at YouTube, why I’m wearing different robes. And also, to cover for the fact that these robes are longer in the sleeve and were getting caught under the rollie wheels of my chair, so I had to fix that.

By the way. Logan complains about being unbearably hot. I think we all look unbearably hot in this incredible YouTube video, if you want to see how unbearably hot we all look in our fancy robes and t-shirts and bailiff’s outfits, go over there to @JudgeJohnHodgmanPod on YouTube.

Alright, so here we are. David and Logan. Now this is a home that you now own together, is that right?

(They confirm.)

And David, let’s get this out of the way. How weird is Voltar?

Logan: Oh, not that weird.

David: He’s an older husky. He’s big for his breed. He’s like 65 pounds of dog and fluff. He—you know, he’s set in his ways a little bit. Is that my fault? Probably. But yeah, he is just—

John Hodgman: It’s your fault. Because Jesse, you mentioned that your aunt runs a rescue for huskies. And isn’t it true that huskies are kind of notoriously temperamental in a certain way?

Jesse Thorn: Huskies are absolutely bonkers.

(They laugh.)

My aunt happens to also be bonkers. I love you so much, Gail. And so, it’s a good match. But huskies, having been bred to pull dog sleds, are absolutely indefatigable. They’re really intense. As you said, really vocal. All northern breeds are very vocal. My mom had a Samoyed that she named Sugar Bear that she insisted could talk. My mom still talks to Sugar Bear. She’ll be like, “Oh, Sugar Bear, how are you doing?”

(Imitating the dog.) Rrr-rowrr-urr!

(They laugh.)

But huskies are spectacularly beautiful and very, very intense dogs. My aunt and her former partner, Deb, used to take the huskies out to the park in Oakland and have a big husky meetup where they all hooked their huskies up to dog sleds on roller skate wheels. (Chuckles.)

John Hodgman: Sure. Yeah, I’m sure they were really happy!

Jesse Thorn: It was the only way to like really satisfy the huskies. But I think lately, in the last decade or so, huskies have become one of the most, if not the most, common breed in dog pounds because of their popularity—perhaps because of Game of Thrones—and people just not being prepared for what intense, high energy, intelligent, escape prone—

John Hodgman: Opinionated.

Jesse Thorn: —walk-not-interested-in dogs huskies are.

John Hodgman: And they want to be outside a lot!

David: They sure do, yeah.

Jesse Thorn: Yeah! And if you put ’em on a leash, they think you’re a dog sled.

(They chuckle.)

[00:10:00]

John Hodgman: David, your dog is named Voltar.

David: It sure is, yeah.

John Hodgman: And you mentioned that he’s an older fella.

David: Sure, yeah.

John Hodgman: What is his age, if I might ask?

David: He’s 11 years old now.

John Hodgman: And I really do hope that you sent in some photos. Yes, you did.

David: I did, yeah.

John Hodgman: Here. Let’s go to the evidence document, Jesse Thorn. You can see Voltar and David embracing.

(Jesse “aw”s.)

And everyone can see this at MaximumFun.org on all our socials. That’s Exhibit A.

Jesse Thorn: Awww! Look at these dorks. I love it.

(They laugh.)

John Hodgman: And in the first picture, you see Voltar’s eyes are closed in utter contentment, as is David’s. ‘Cause it’s quite a hug here. But in the second exhibit, you get to see Voltar’s bright gray-blue eyes, which is one of—the piercing eyes are distinctive to the husky. Isn’t that right, David?

David: It sure is, yeah. It’s one of the reasons we picked him up.

John Hodgman: Now, Jesse Thorn did an imitation of his mom’s Samoyed. What kind of sound does Voltar make? How does he talk?

David: He barks when he wants to come in. Like, if I do have the door shut, he will bark to come inside.

John Hodgman: What does that sound like? You’re still speaking English!

(They talk over one another.)

David: Would you like me to bark at you like a dog? Okay.

Jesse Thorn: Yeah. We’re trying to make a podcast, sir.

David: Sorry, I apologize. He gives me a good (deep and breathy) HUH when he wants to come back inside, and he will howl if other huskies are howling on video.

John Hodgman: Yeah. What does that sound like?

David: Well, that sounds like ooooh! It sounds like a lot like that, but more dog-like. You’re welcome.

John Hodgman: I no longer am holding you in contempt of court. Thank you for howling. But David, you did send in a— Thank you for imitating a dog, but—

David: You’re welcome.

John Hodgman: You did send in video that includes some of Voltar’s vocalizations. And the name of this video is “Video of Voltar Howling if We Need It”. And I think we need it. Jennifer Marmor, can you play that video?

 

Clip: (The saddest, whiny dog howling and repeated ruffing.)

 

Jesse Thorn: Awww!

John Hodgman: Oh, he’s so upset! For those of you who are not watching along, Voltar is howling along with some dogs.

Jesse Thorn: Being projected on the wall.

John Hodgman: Being projected on the wall. You guys are watching dog YouTubes together, and Voltar is trying to talk to his friends.

(Voltar continues wailing.)

I’m not sure I was prepared for how long this would go on for.

(It stops.)

There it is. That was it. I was going to say, “And then 35 minutes later.”

David: Oh no.

John Hodgman: Oh, what a good roommate to have!

David: He’s so great.

John Hodgman: What were you watching?

David: Dogs howling also.

John Hodgman: Dogs howling.

David: That’s the only way to get him to howl. So, usually, you know, we’ll just throw it on if he needs to get some anger out, you know.

John Hodgman: I see. That’s a roommate husky, actually. ‘Cause if it really takes that in order to get him howling—and I presume that you put that on to get him howling at Logan’s request, right? Because Logan, you love living with this dog, right?

Logan: Oh! No, actually I really enjoy Voltar. He’s great. You know, I—

John Hodgman: Okay. It’s David who’s the problem.

Logan: (Laughs.) It’s David. Yeah, absolutely.

John Hodgman: I was just making sure I understood.

Logan: I would say that the husky howling usually happens late at night, for the neighbors’ enjoyment. I’m sure they appreciate it.

John Hodgman: Well, wait a minute. David just said that he can’t get Voltar to howl unless he’s watching a howling video.

Logan: Yeah, that’s right.

John Hodgman: So, why—David, why are you showing howling videos late at night?

David: Well, I’m not. He does it. He does the howling videos.

Logan: I would say we both do it.

David: Eh, sure. We just like to annoy the neighbors. (Laughs.)

John Hodgman: So, not only do you not disturb Logan by the howling, you encourage it. And you do it late at night.

Logan: I do it at all times of the day. I’ll put those on whenever I think he’s in the mood for it. You know, there are things about Voltar you can just tell by looking at him. You feel like he needs to let something out, and that’s when I know, pull up YouTube, search “husky howling”, and just put on what gets him going.

John Hodgman: You just know instinctively that the dog—that Voltar needs to sing. Right?

Logan: I can absolutely tell.

John Hodgman: So, Logan, if it’s not the howling, why do you hate Voltar so much?

Logan: I actually don’t hate Voltar. I just—I believe that, you know, it makes things really difficult at night when I’m trying to sleep.

John Hodgman: You want David to leave the door open, and to keep it open forever?

Logan: (Laughs.) I’d say that’s the—

John Hodgman: (Interrupting.) You want David to open the door, let Voltar out, and then close it shut. And Voltar never comes home. Isn’t that right, Logan?

Logan: No, no, not at all.

John Hodgman: Alright. Well, so what is the issue here? It’s getting too hot? It’s getting too hot in here? Take off all your fur?

Logan: Pretty much, yeah. Yeah, I have to keep my bedroom door closed at night. Voltar’s notorious for some other actions, such as like eating my socks.

[00:15:00]

(Jesse laughs.)

And you know, I have an eight-year-old son.

John Hodgman: To be fair, you have socks. So, it’s kind of on you. It’s kind of a you problem.

Logan: Well, but it’s only my socks that get eaten. Like, I was just saying, you know, I have an eight-year-old son who is also there about half the time, half of the week. You know, Voltar doesn’t touch anyone else’s socks, just mine. And there have been at least three or four socks destroyed recently?

David: Yeah. At least.

Logan: So, I just—I keep my bedroom door closed at night, so he doesn’t wander in, get into things. You know, normal husky behavior.

John Hodgman: Do you keep your bedroom door closed to protect your socks because you are bureau averse? Have you not a drawer, sir?

(They laugh.)

Logan: I’ll admit, you know, when it’s time to head to bed, I probably just toss them on the floor and deal with it later. That’s a fair point.

John Hodgman: Okay, well, thank you. I make pretty fair ones sometimes.

Jesse Thorn: John, have you ever read The Call of the Wild by Jack London?

John Hodgman: No, but I know its famous opening line. (Beat.)

“(Howling.) AH-WOWW-OWOOH! That were the wild, Colin.”

No, I’ve never read it. No. What is it?

Jesse Thorn: It’s an incredible thrill ride, a story about sled dogs. And there’s a really exciting chapter about eating socks. (Laughs.)

John Hodgman: Is there really?

Jesse Thorn: No. That would be great if there was a just a sock chapter in between the like wolf that’s like trying to draw them into the forest. (Laughs.) It’s just like, “Also, I forgot to mention, these F’ers kept eating my socks! I only brought two pairs!”

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

John Hodgman: But Logan says that it’s only his socks that get eaten. And Logan, may I ask: is that because you moisturize your feet with Alpo?

Logan: No, I don’t know. Maybe—

David: I think—I have my own theories, but they’re not good.

John Hodgman: Yeah! Let’s hear it. I want to hear David’s theories about why Logan’s feet taste like dog food.

David: Logan has feet features that I just don’t have that excite Voltar.

John Hodgman: I mean, please say a sixth toe.

David: If Logan wants to tell you about his feet features, I’ll let him.

Logan: I don’t know that this is why, but on each foot, two of my toes are webbed together.

John Hodgman: Really?!

(Logan confirms.)

That’s incredible!

David: Thank you.

John Hodgman: Does that make you a fast swimmer?

David: That’s a common misconception.

John Hodgman: Well, have you ever timed yourself? I mean, versus a clone of you without webbed feet, I guess? (Chuckles.) To get a control you would need—do you have an identical twin whose feet are not webbed?

Logan: Sadly, I don’t.

John Hodgman: Okay, I guess we’ll never know just the extent of your superpowers. Thank you for sharing that with us.

David: But it makes his feet tasty, apparently.

John Hodgman: What do you two kids do for a living?

Logan: We work in a call center as supervisors.

David: We’re both in the same job.

John Hodgman: You’re in the same job and at the same house.

David: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The job is where we kind of met, and then just chaos ensued afterwards, so.

John Hodgman: And this—and Logan, you were roommates, like rental roommates, for a long time. But this is a home that the two of you now own together. Is that right, Logan?

Logan: Yeah, that’s correct.

John Hodgman: What made you decide to take the next step in this relationship?

Logan: (Laughs.) I mean, I would say you always need somewhere to live. You know, rent prices continue to go up every year, and we have the means to just, you know, get something. And figured it’d be easier to invest in ourselves than pay for someone else’s mortgage.

John Hodgman: Very wise! And let me ask, has the dog profile always been one in David’s life, David?

David: Oh, yeah, I’ll show you. He was part of a trio at one point, way earlier—I would say about, you know, 10 years ago. I had two other dogs and—

John Hodgman: Two other huskies?

David: No, no, no. A boxer and a mixed breed. They both passed for, you know, being old dogs. And then—so, he’s the last of the trio of dogs that I had. But you know, I’ve known Voltar for 11 years. I’ve known Logan for seven years. So, you know.

John Hodgman: Voltar is more important to you than Logan.

David: Voltar is more important to me. (Laughs.)

John Hodgman: Right. So, alright, let’s get down to it then, finally. Voltar is making you hot. Is that correct, Logan?

Logan: I would say he’s causing the indirect temperature increase, yeah.

John Hodgman: Why don’t you give it to me in plain English, not howling.

(They laugh.)

Logan: I think I can manage that.

[00:20:00]

So, as he needs to be let outside—

John Hodgman: Oh, that’s right! You were talking—you were going into this whole thing about how you have to keep your bedroom door closed.

Logan: Right, yep. So, my bedroom door is closed. And you know, it’s still winter, but it’s cold outside. And so, when Voltar needs to be let out, you know—

John Hodgman: Yeah, I believe in Portland, Oregon, it might be 59 degrees—as low as that during winter, right?

Logan: You know, in the middle of the night, we’re getting down to, you know, 20s. 20-29 degrees with moisture.

John Hodgman: Alright. Sorry to cold-shame you.

Logan: (Laughs.) I mean, I’ve lived in Eastern Oregon where, you know, it definitely gets a lot colder.

John Hodgman: I bet it gets quite cold. Yeah.

Logan: But different climates, I would say.

John Hodgman: The temperate Pacific Midwest. But I’ll tell you what, it could be in the 20s, but it’s damp. So, it feels even colder.

(Logan confirms.)

Alright, let’s talk about that.

Logan: So, yeah. So, Dave leaves the door open.

John Hodgman: Ugh! Why are we dancing around this Logan?! What happens? David lets the dog out, but doesn’t close the door all the way, so the dog can get back in. That triggers the thermostat, and all of a sudden you’re sweating bullets in your room.

Logan: That’s right, yeah. And we only have the thermostat—or the heater set to like 67/68 degrees. But when it’s running constantly in a single bedroom, I get woken in the middle of sleep, you know, sweating.

John Hodgman: You’re saying the only heater in this house is in your bedroom. It all comes through your bedroom?

Logan: Well, Dave has shut off all the other vents in the house.

John Hodgman: Is that true?!

David: Yeah. I am a warm human on my own. I can’t—

John Hodgman: That’s because you’re constantly walking around with five pounds of shedded husky fur all over your body.

David: I have my own coat. You know, I just—I like a cool house.

John Hodgman: Well, Logan’s not complaining about it being too cold in the house.

David: Correct. (Chuckles.)

John Hodgman: He’s complaining about it getting too hot in his room, because there’s a cold breeze blowing in, causing the thermostat to call for heat constantly.

(David confirms.)

And how do you answer his accusation? True or false?

David: That is true; sometimes that does happen.

John Hodgman: How often does it happen?

David: Twice probably.

John Hodgman: Logan?

Logan: I would dispute those statements, your honor.

(David laughs.)

Jesse Thorn: Yeah, twice in what span, sir?

David: Like, this winter in recent memory. Yeah.

Jesse Thorn: Okay, where’s the thermostat? And where is the heat coming out of, and where are they relative to each other?

John Hodgman: Great questions.

David: We have the floor—they’re all on the floor, all the stuff that blows the hot air. And then the thermostat—

John Hodgman: Those are the vents.

Jesse Thorn: The vents are in the floor.

David: And then thermostat’s in the middle of the house, in the hallway, is where—

John Hodgman: On the wall.

David: On the wall. Yeah, where the thermostat classically is.

Jesse Thorn: So, is that thermostat exposed to the cold air when that door opens?

David: It sure is.

(John snorts a laugh.)

It is right there.

Jesse Thorn: And it’s trying to warm up the whole house. It’s trying to warm up that hallway, but because you have all the vents closed, it’s only warming up one bedroom?

David: Yeah. Yeah.

Logan: Two. I also have my son’s bedroom, but he hasn’t complained.

John Hodgman: Logan, have you ever requested that the vents be open, so that the superheat gets distributed more evenly through the house? Do you think that would be helpful?

Logan: I don’t think that it would solve the issue entirely, as when the door stays open, there’s a constant stream of cold air going in, so it would still trigger the heater to be going constantly.

John Hodgman: And wouldn’t there also be a constant stream—? If Voltar goes out into the yard, and you leave the door a little bit ajar so he can get back in, David, wouldn’t there also be—aside from air—a constant stream of bugs and mice and other pests getting in?

David: Not so much the bugs. In the summertime, sure, we can get some mosquitoes, but it’s not too bad. I only leave the door open slightly. It’s so that he can just shove his nose in there and then open it himself when he wants to come in.

John Hodgman: So, not only is your leaving the sliding door open a crack causing your roommate and his eight-year-old son to dehydrate perilously in their sauna bedrooms, but also Voltar doesn’t like it either. Who’s happy in this arrangement? If Voltar wants the door wide open—

David: Well, Voltar is happy.

John Hodgman: Yeah, but you were just saying, “I leave it open a little bit, so he can let himself in,” but then he refuses to do so, because it’s not open wide enough!

David: Well, and that’s the precursor to what occurs afterwards, right? So—

John Hodgman: Alright, give me the post-cursor.

David: He opens the door with his nose, so that he’s happy and content outside. And then while he’s happy outside, they’re miserable inside.

John Hodgman: Oookay. So, you leave it open a little bit. Voltar’s like, uh-uh-uh. (Sad dog warbling.) And he’ll open it a little bit more.

David: Then he’ll stay out there.

John Hodgman: And then just go and play even more.

David: Exactly. And I, as his—you know, I don’t think this is the wrong term to use—father, see it as a way for me to just appreciate him as his own being.

[00:25:00]

And you know, he just wants to be a little dog doing dog stuff outside, staring at the sky or something. I don’t know what dogs do.

John Hodgman: What would happen if you closed the door all the way?

David: Well, he would come back to the door and bark like I did.

John Hodgman: Like HUH.

David: A faithful—yeah, like that. The faithful reenactment earlier.

Logan: He also scratches at the door to let you know if you’re not responding fast enough. He’ll paw at the door.

John Hodgman: And that could cause some damage to this home that you’ve bought.

David: It’s really just—it triggers me when I hear the bark or when I hear the scratch. I immediately have to go and open the door for him. And then, you know, late at night when I’m back from work and done with the gym, and I just want to hang out and be at home, I don’t want to be up and down, up and down, up and down the same way he wants to be in and out, in and out, in and out. So, yeah, I leave the door open.

John Hodgman: Logan, if you acknowledge that closing the door on Voltar causes disruption in the form of barking and scratching, what solution do you propose? If closing the door isn’t an option.

Logan: I mean, I still agree that closing the door is an option. I still say that—

John Hodgman: Oh, okay. Oh, you want Voltar to suffer.

Logan: No, I don’t think he needs to suffer.

John Hodgman: You want him to be disturbed, and bark, and scratch.

Logan: (Laughs.) I mean, he’s a husky. He’s built for cold weather. He’ll be fine for, you know, two minutes to give some time to get there. But—

John Hodgman: Yeah, but he knows that door is closed.

(Logan laughs.)

David: And he won’t be happy.

John Hodgman: And he can’t get through to your sweet, sweet, smelly socks.

Logan: I think that’s just part of the burden of being a husky dog owner. You just—

John Hodgman: No, dogs get no burdens.

Logan: No, I’m saying the burden is on me.

John Hodgman: Dogs are the only thing that matter. You heard David.

Jesse Thorn: Well, he desires the burden of a dog sled.

(They snort and laugh.)

John Hodgman: Okay, so you’re—

David: (Overlapping.) Yeah, he would love that.

John Hodgman: Sorry, go ahead, David.

David: No, I was agreeing with Jesse. He would love a dog sled. He wouldn’t know what to do with it, but he would love to have one.

John Hodgman: Have you ever shown him one? Maybe he might—

David: I have not shown him a dog sled, no. Next Christmas.

Jesse Thorn: Yeah, I mean, I think the obvious answer here, David, is you’ve got a husky. You should be building an igloo outside and then sleeping with the husky in there. (Chuckles.) Like in The Call of the Wild! (Sad dog warbling.)

Logan: I definitely also am agreeable to, you know, like a doggy door situation. We at one point did have one. But as Dave mentioned, you know, he’s had some other dogs in the past. And some of the other places we’ve lived had a little bit of a steep step to get outside, so it wasn’t great for the older dogs. You know, I don’t know if that could be workable in the new house. But you know, there’s a few options out there.

John Hodgman: Well, you now—you own your own place, so you could install a custom doggie door without getting dinged by the landlord. But on the other hand, the sliding glass door, you can’t put a doggy door in there.

David: No.

John Hodgman: Where would the doggy door go?

David: Yeah, we used to have an insert doggie door that would just fit into a sliding glass door frame. The only issue with it is I’m a fairly wide man. And so—and I don’t like to shuffle sideways through my sliding glass door just because there’s a dog door there. So, I just—

John Hodgman: Oh, I’m sorry. Are you somewhat inconvenienced?

David: I am somewhat inconvenienced by that, yeah.

John Hodgman: ‘Cause, Logan, what’s it like when you wake up in the middle of the night? Tell me what it’s like.

Logan: You know, you’re in bed; you’re sleeping; you’re having a great dream about who knows what, and then you start suffering inside your dream until you wake up.

John Hodgman: You’re probably dreaming about swimming real fast in the open ocean.

Logan: That’s right, with my webbed toes.

John Hodgman: Like Namor, the Sub-Mariner.

(Logan laughs.)

Who I guess we call Namor now.

Jesse Thorn: Or! Aquaman, the Water Man.

John Hodgman: That’s right, he is a man of waterrr.

Sorry, you’re having a beautiful dream.

Logan: Yeah, and then it just—something in the dream, you start feeling like it’s warming up. And it starts to become uncomfortable, and you just—you wake up in a—not a cold sweat, but you wake up.

John Hodgman: In a hot sweat!

Logan: In a hot sweat, thinking, “Did I fall asleep in a sauna?” (Chuckles.) You know? And I immediately realize what’s going on, so I wake up and I go out to the kitchen, which is right next to where the sliding door is. You know, there have been times Dave has gone to bed, and that sliding door is wide open in the middle of the night—two or three in the morning. (Laughs.) And I shut it, and—

John Hodgman: Do you ascertain whether or not Voltar is in or out before you shut it?

David: He’s in my room.

John Hodgman: Oh, he’s in your room.

Logan: You know, he’s probably with Dave. So, I don’t—

John Hodgman: But you just take a guess.

Logan: I just say, “You know what? I’m tired. I’ve got to get two to three more hours of sleep before I have to get up. The door’s closed.” (Laughs.)

John Hodgman: This also suggests—if it’s two o’clock in the morning—a security concern.

[00:30:00]

Logan: I would agree.

John Hodgman: Like, I don’t know what’s going on in Salem, Oregon.

David: Not much. (Chuckles.)

John Hodgman: Yeah. But I mean, you know, just having a—not even in rural Maine would I leave a door ajar! I mean, I might leave it unlocked, but this is just— Anyone should know that if a door is unlocked, that does not mean that you should walk into someone’s home if you don’t know them. Just a suggestion. But that said, even if I were to leave a door unlocked in rural Maine where nothing happens, I would not leave it ajar! Because an owl might fly in.

Logan: Voltar is known to chase opossums in the backyard.

John Hodgman: Yeah. Well, that’s too bad, because opossums are great.

David: I like opossums.

John Hodgman: Does he ever get them?

David: Yeah. They’re really good at playing dead, and he’s really good at falling for that. So.

John Hodgman: (Sarcastically.) Wait, what?

David: The opossums are really good at playing dead.

John Hodgman: What?! What are you even talking about? I’ve never heard of this before, an animal living up to its own cliché! Wow!

David: Yeah. Yeah, they’re really good at it. And he will give up. And you know, he’ll shake it a time or two. And then, you know, I’ll pick it up, put it up front, and it’ll scamper off eventually.

John Hodgman: Covered in blood.

David: (Laughing.) Covered in blood.

John Hodgman: No, it’s just playing opossum.

David: Missing a couple limbs.

John Hodgman: Just something you’re telling yourself. But have you considered a installing a doggy door?

David: Well, like I said, we had one, and—

John Hodgman: I know that insert didn’t work, because—

David: It slightly inconvenienced me, so.

Jesse Thorn: Because you’re too wide, you had to go in the door sideways. We heard about that. Have you considered another kind of doggy door?

David: Thank you, Jesse. Is there another kind of doggy door, Jesse?

Jesse Thorn: I don’t know!

(David cackles.)

John Hodgman: Well, most dogs will stay in until they are let out, and they will stay out until they are let in.

David: So, he will be let out, and then if I shut the door behind him, he will have a lesser quality of time while he’s out there. And that’s sad.

John Hodgman: You also are concerned about this, are attuned to quality of life because an older dog is what you were intimating earlier.

David: He’s an older dog, yeah. And I only have a few— You know, he’s had some medical issues; half his face is shaven right now, because he had surgery on a wound he had on his cheek.

John Hodgman: How did he get a wound on his cheek? (Inaudible.)

David: I don’t know; he was outside doing stuff.

John Hodgman: He was outside. Getting into…

David: Yeah.

John Hodgman: What, do you have a yard back there?

David: We have a whole yard, yeah.

John Hodgman: And is it fenced in?

David: It’s totally fenced in; no escapes in this house in the last six months. He’s escaped out of every single house ever, except for this one.

John Hodgman: Oh, he wants to escape.

David: He would love to escape.

Jesse Thorn: Huskies love escaping.

David: That’s their one thing. That’s the thing they love to do. Yeah.

Logan: At previous homes that we lived, Dave would have to take chicken wire and fence the entire backyard areas of where we lived previously to prevent Voltar from digging under the existing fences.

(David confirms.)

Jesse Thorn: My Aunt Gail had to put down concrete pads in her backyard.

John Hodgman: So that the huskies wouldn’t dig their way to freedom, Raising Arizona style. Is that right, Jesse?

Jesse Thorn: Yeah, I believe that’s correct.

John Hodgman: And it seems like you two have a lot of fun together. Is there any other issue, any other problem, any other friction in the household aside from Voltar? Or this particular behavior of Voltar’s, Logan?

David: We’re great roommates.

John Hodgman: Yeah. Seems like you have fun, right?

David: Yeah, we have a lot of fun together. Best roommate I’ve ever had.

Logan: Yeah. Basically no conflicts outside of this specific issue.

(David confirms.)

John Hodgman: And do you share cooking duties, shopping duties, or is it all separate?

David: We split things up pretty well. Shopping duties—you know, we’ll hit up the Costco and split it every so often. And he does the dishes; I do the vacuuming, you know.

John Hodgman: Terrific! I’m glad to know that this is the only point of friction in an otherwise wonderful living arrangement that you both seem to have.

David: And even with this like—you know, I don’t find it to be (chuckles) that big of an issue in our living arrangements, so.

John Hodgman: (Sarcastically.) Oh, David, you don’t find it to be that big of an issue? Oh, sorry, Logan, I’m not sure you knew this. The thing about you waking up in the middle of the night super-hot, because the door is wide open, and owls are flying in? David doesn’t find that to be an issue. So, really, my hands are tied, Jesse.

(David laughs.)

Jesse Thorn: David already solved the problem with the vent covers. He’s not sweating it, literally.

John Hodgman: Yeah, have you considered covering or closing the vents in you or your son’s rooms?

Logan: Yes. I will say, you know, if that were to be the case, it would then have the opposite effect of being way too cold. For everyone in Salem who remembers, I think it was about a year or two ago, we had a really bad ice storm where people were without electricity for a few days. And the insides of homes were really, really cold for multiple days at a time.

[00:35:00]

So, if the heat’s not going in the middle of winter, it’s way too cold.

John Hodgman: Logan, you and David are best bud roomies for sure. You say you have a son who stays part time with you?

Logan: That’s correct.

John Hodgman: And how does he feel about Voltar and sweating and freezing and all the other issues?

Logan: You know, my son doesn’t actually wake up, even if he gets too hot. Like, my son actually goes to bed over-layered, and when I wake him up for school in the morning, he’s thrown everything off, because he got too hot in the middle of the night, but he’s still asleep.

John Hodgman: So, it’s not— I mean, you care for his wellbeing, you don’t want him to overheat, but he’s not complaining about this issue.

(Logan confirms.)

And does he like the dog?

(Logan confirms.)

And he’s never been pulled around in a wagon by this dog?

(They chuckle.)

Logan: Sometimes when they’re playing, he gets upset if Voltar paws at him unexpectedly. It might scratch him accidentally and he, you know, gets a little upset about that. But that’s about the extent of it.

John Hodgman: You don’t get upset about it, because you’re like, “I’m about to own this whole house. As soon as that dog disfigures my son, I’m going to have the temperature set exactly the way I want forever.”

(They laugh.)

Logan: That’s right.

John Hodgman: I know Voltar wouldn’t hurt your son.

Logan: No.

John Hodgman: But he likes Voltar, right?

Logan: Absolutely.

John Hodgman: Okay. So, alright, Logan, what do you propose as a solution here?

Logan: Well, I think I’d really like Dave to have empathy for the situation. One thing that I think would be helpful is if he spent a night or two experiencing the sauna that I live in at times. You know, making sure that the vents are on in his room, windows are closed in his bedroom, you know. Then we’ll leave the door open, so he can experience it and know what a problem it is. But I think some form of a dog door, or just closing and opening—getting up and down as needed.

John Hodgman: Do you think that David doesn’t take your concerns seriously? He doesn’t believe that it’s really happening?

Logan: I mean, I believe—

John Hodgman: Do you think he’s natural-gaslighting you?

David: Ah. Oh.

Logan: (Laughs.) Well played. I would say, I think he believes—

John Hodgman: No, no, it wasn’t well played. It was wordplay, and it took the focus off of the real question, which is: why do you feel David needs to experience this? Isn’t your firsthand experience enough to merit a change?

Logan: I don’t think that he will take it seriously enough until it affects him.

John Hodgman: Well, doesn’t it affect both of you, in the sense of your heating bills? I mean, I don’t know—in Salem, Oregon, is gas free?

Logan: No.

David: It is not, no.

John Hodgman: And you know, have you done a comparison between leaving the door closed and the cost of heating, versus leaving the door open?

David: I calculate all of our utilities on a quarterly basis and see if the costs went up or down or whatnot.

John Hodgman: Right. And then you’re just like, “Add 25% for dog.”

David: Exactly.

(Logan laughs.)

John Hodgman: Now, Logan, David said that Voltar is an elderly dog. He might not have a much longer to live on this plane of existence. Can you not just wait it out until Voltar is dead?

Logan: I don’t have a good answer for that, but I would say that I don’t think he’s as elderly as Dave is making it out to be. He plays regularly. He’s still—you know, acts like—

John Hodgman: How old is Voltar, David?

David: 11.

John Hodgman: Jesse Thorn, do you have a sense from your Aunt Gail the average life expectancy of a husky?

Jesse Thorn: Indefinite.

(Logan laughs.)

David: Thank you. Thank you, Jesse.

John Hodgman: I’m gonna look it up.

David: I believe it’s about 15 years. And that’s for a dog that’s, you know, in perfect health, I would imagine. And with him, he’s—you know, he’s bigger for his breed, which—

Jesse Thorn: Half his face is shaved.

David: And half his face is shaved off, yeah. And you know, he has a cough problem.

John Hodgman: Do you think there will be another dog in the future of your household? David or Logan? Take it away.

Logan: Yeah, we’ve discussed having, you know, another dog afterwards, maybe introducing some cats as well. So, yeah, that’s definitely— It seems to be in the cards.

David: But it’ll be—whatever dog it is, it’s going to be Logan’s dog, not my dog.

Logan: It’ll be my problem going forward.

David: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That’s the plan.

John Hodgman: Oh, and why is that the plan, David? Don’t you feel like you’ll want to—or are you going to be so bereft—?

David: Well, I feel like, yeah, the grieving process when I do lose Voltar is going to be a lot. So, you know, I don’t think I’ll have the capacity for another animal for a long time. So, the next dog, you know, will probably be Logan’s dog.

John Hodgman: And once it’s Logan’s responsibility, you won’t have to hear the constant (mockingly) yap, yap, yap, yap of him complaining about being too hot all the time.

David: Right, yeah, he would just fall in love with his own dog and then realize that leaving the door open is the right thing to do for the dog and endure.

[00:40:00]

John Hodgman: Is there anything that Logan does currently that annoys you?

David: No. Yeah, it’s not an exciting answer, but no. There’s really nothing he does that annoys me now.

John Hodgman: Logan, we keep coming back to this obvious solution of a doggy door, and we keep veering away from it for some reason. You had a temporary solution, an insert to the sliding door. Is there no way to create a doggy door in a wall or another door, for example, that would be a more permanent solution? Is there another door that leads to the backyard?

Logan: There is; it’s in our family room area, which is where our furniture is. The way the house was built, they converted part of the garage into a living room. So, we have a half garage, not a full garage. But there is a door to the backyard, but it’s blocked off by some furniture.

John Hodgman: Because there’s a cult of Satanists living on the other side?

Logan: (Laughs.) No, it just goes straight to the backyard, very similar to the sliding door. But just in one of the videos we—

John Hodgman: So, you could move your chair, David, and install a doggie door in that door.

David: But then—so, the way we have the living room worked out is really, really cool. He—

John Hodgman: Oh, I’ve seen photos.

Jesse Thorn: Yeah, it looked—it was one of the coolest rooms I’ve ever seen in my life.

David: That was the old house that you saw. You didn’t see the new house yet. The new house looks amazing, and—

Jesse Thorn: The only thing it was missing was a spilled bong.

(They laugh.)

David: We have those. So, he has his setup where he’s on the couch facing the wall watching TV.

Logan: The television.

John Hodgman: He? Do you mean Logan or Voltar?

David: Logan. And then I am on the right of Logan, looking at another wall with my projector. And my computer is hooked up, so we don’t bother each other with the sounds and the things of our various shows that we watch. And we’ll just watch together in the living room.

Jesse Thorn: So, you guys are sitting in the same room watching two different shows?!

David: We sure are.

Logan: Or doing different things.

Jesse Thorn: That’s wild. Have you considered at all moving the thermostat, or using a thermostat with a remote temperature sensor?

David: (Softly.) I hadn’t thought of that, no. Are we able to move—? It’s a Nest. I don’t know what a Nest is.

Jesse Thorn: There are lots of ways to put the temperature sensor into the bedroom, the one that’s getting too hot, rather than putting it right in the path of the Arctic blast.

Logan: That could be a solution!

David: Jesse’s solved this.

Logan: Jesse’s a genius.

Jesse Thorn: What can I say? I’m really handy around the house.

(They laugh.)

John Hodgman: I mean, I agree that Jesse is a genius, and I believe that there is probably a technical solution to make sure that the heat doesn’t blast when the door is open. But it doesn’t change the fact that your door is open!

David: Right.

John Hodgman: David, why am I supposed to support this?!

David: Um, I was really hoping to just grab you with the story of Volt really just wanting to live his best husky life outside without any interruptions. And so, I’m going to stick with that, that he deserves to be the dog he is, how he wants to be. And you know, if shutting the door behind him makes him upset, I don’t want to do it.

John Hodgman: Why is he called Voltar?

David: I went to a big cat sanctuary in Northern California and saw a cougar named Voltar and stole the name.

John Hodgman: Oh, I thought you were saying, “And I saw this wonderful dog there who was raised by panthers and thought he was a panther, named Voltar.”

Logan: I believe they say, you know, huskies are part cat. So, it makes sense.

John Hodgman: But is Voltar the name of a character or something from something?

David: I don’t think so. He always gets confused with Bolt from, you know, the dog animated movie Bolt.

Logan: It was Disney.

David: And I don’t know what Voltar is. Just a…

John Hodgman: Voltar…

Jesse Thorn: “Voltar is your licensed full-service technology provider, serving business customer needs throughout the state of Arizona.”

David: Lovely.

John Hodgman: Voltar is Portuguese for “to return”. It’s also the fictional planet, that the, quote, “exposed books” unquote, are published on in the Mission Earth fictional universe. Okay. Voltar is also a G.I. Joe, villain. Voltar. Oh, I remember. That’s probably where I’m thinking of.

“Voltar was a successful mercenary commander that grew too successful for his continued presence to be tolerated by the provisional governments…”

David: Classic story.

John Hodgman: “… that employed him. He is affiliated with the Iron Grenadiers as Destro’s general and debuted as a toy in 1988 in the G.I. Joeniverse.”

Anyway, Voltar is a cool dog.

David: Yeah.

John Hodgman: Alright. I think I’ve heard enough in order to make my decision. Honestly, I’m quite torn. I’m going to go—I’m going to have to wrestle with my decision Kong and see if I can get the little treat out of it. That will be my verdict.

[00:45:00]

I’ll be back in a moment.

Jesse Thorn: Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

(Chairs squeak, followed by heavy footsteps and a door closing.)

You guys heard of Voltar the Omniscient, a character in the MOBA Awesomenauts?

(They laugh.)

Logan: The Awesomenauts? No.

Jesse Thorn: David, how are you feeling about your chances right now?

David: I mean, I’m right in the middle. I don’t know how it’s going to turn out. I think whatever—you know, whatever the judge says, I’ll agree with, though.

Jesse Thorn: Logan, you think you could win this thing? Are you sweating it?

Logan: (They laugh.) No, I think my chances are alright. I think the judge understands that there is—you know, in addition to the heat concerns—a security risk. And I think he’s very much mindful of that. So, I feel like there’s a good shot.

Jesse Thorn: Well, we’ll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment.

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Jesse Thorn: It’s the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We are taking a quick break from the case. John, have you ever heard about the life of Kelsey Grammer?

John Hodgman: You know, Kelsey Grammer is a person you think you know, and yet you keep learning new things is my experience chatting with you about Kelsey Grammer recently. Why do you ask?

Jesse Thorn: Years ago, I read this oral history of Cheers, and there was this whole part that was just about everyone— Like, Kelsey Grammer would be on set; he would either be profoundly hungover, like so that he was like underneath his chair—

John Hodgman: Yes, he struggled with addiction for a long time.

Jesse Thorn: Yeah. Or drunk. He was an alcoholic. And then they—like, the whole point of this section was: no one could believe it, but every time the camera switched to him, he would nail his take perfectly. Like, no matter what. No matter what stage of illness he was in, nail his—

And I was like, “I gotta talk to Kelsey Grammer sometime and find out his story.”

John Hodgman: Find out that story, for sure.

Jesse Thorn: That is only the beginning of the things that Kelsey Grammer has been through in his life and the work that he’s done. And he came on Bullseye. I talked to him about—he had in his young life a string of tragedies more horrific than you can imagine. He came and talked to me about Frasier and Cheers and his acting career and the time when—you know, back in the day, when he was mostly a Shakespearean actor before Cheers. All kinds of things. It was totally fascinating.

And that conversation is on a very recent episode of Bullseye. It’s a full hour-ish, and I would really recommend people check it out. There’s also a recent episode with the filmmaker Mike Lee, who is my favorite filmmaker in the world. The British realist filmmaker behind Topsy Turvy and Secrets and Lies and Naked and all these other films.

John Hodgman: Yeah. Incredible. Yeah.

Jesse Thorn: He has a new film that he made, starring Marianne Jean-Baptiste, that is really revelatory about the human condition, like all of his films. And he came and talked about it. He’s in his 80s now. He hates Los Angeles, but he was nice enough to stop by and talk to me.

(They laugh.)

He’s not wrong. So, two really special recent episodes of Bullseye. If you’re not already a subscriber, go check those out. You can also check them out on YouTube. We have full video of both of those on the Bullseye YouTube channel.

John Hodgman: Jesse, I’ll say that as we were traveling around the country, you were telling me a little bit about the surprising things you learned about Kelsey Grammer’s life. And my jaw dropped several times. So, you definitely want to check out this interview in Bullseye. Mike Lee is also one of my favorite directors as well, and I’m very excited to see this film. Because I got—in one of the weird experiences of my life, I got to act opposite Marianne Jean-Baptiste on the TV show Blindspot. What an incredible actor she is. So, these are two absolute must-listens, over at the Bullseye.

And you also have the Put This On Shop, right? Anything going on over there?

Jesse Thorn: Well, John, for about two years, my shopkeeper Brenna and I have been promising that one day we would get everything that’s in our storeroom into the Put This On Shop for sale.

John Hodgman: Here we go. Here we go.

Jesse Thorn: And John, we have achieved it. There is so much new stuff in the Put This On Shop. Things that we have been waiting to list for months, if not years. We’ve swept through the corners of our storeroom, found everything that’s available for sale. Everything from lots of new clothing, jewelry, knickknacks and home goods, all kinds of beautiful things from vintage to antique, from friendly affordable gift to fine jewelry, all at PutThisOnShop.com. So, go check out PutThisOnShop.com.

[00:50:00]

I’m really proud of the beautiful stuff we have there. And a lot of Judge John Hodgman listeners are regular customers, so thanks to all of you. I’m always grateful. If you gotta give a gift, or you wanna get something special for yourself, PutThisOnShop.com.

John Hodgman: Yeah, I’m gonna go over there and buy a gift for our friend Jean Grae to celebrate the publication of her book, In My Remaining Years. It comes out in March. If you saw Jean and I and Urzila Carlson on After Midnight last month, thanks for watching. Go check it out on the archives. We had a great time together. Jean’s really special and her book is hilarious. So, I’ll just remind you, now’s a great time to go to Bookshop.org or wherever to preorder your copy of Jean Grae’s In My Remaining Years, a really funny and enlightening memoir. Check it out.

Jesse Thorn: Let’s get back to the case!

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Jesse Thorn: Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

(Chairs squeak, followed by heavy footsteps and a door closing.)

John Hodgman: So first of all, I want to applaud you both for finding a living arrangement that is so well-suited for both of you. It’s wonderful. You are having a great time, and you are building equity in a home together. And I trust that, should something happen that you no longer wish to own the home together, you’ll find a very perfectly amicable way to split it up and move on in your lives. Because you’re both so reasonable.

And the testament to that, honestly Logan, is the fact are not demanding that David move his damn chair and put in a dog door. Now that’s in part because I think you respect that David needs his own chair and screen to watch while you are sitting in your own chair and watching your own screen. What an incredible arrange— This is the closest we’ve ever gotten to a couple that sleep in two separate villas, connected by a reflecting pool. Like true, true mutual respect for each other’s living situation.

And indeed, Logan, you’re incredibly tolerant and maybe even you know, on some level, that even if you were to create a dog door for Voltar, Voltar would reject it.

(Logan laughs.)

Because it’s not exactly what Voltar wants. (Beat.) That said, I am not happy, me personally, with this sliding door being slid open—what, 100% of the time?

David: Nooo. It’s barely a percentage.

John Hodgman: Excuse me, I’m talking now.

David: Sorry. (Chuckles.)

John Hodgman: I know that it’s been open at two o’clock in the morning. All you need to get Voltar off his guard is just bring some of Logan’s socks with you and throw them. Maybe a little sleeping pill in them, like in the movies.

(They laugh.)

But truly, like you’re talking to a person who lives in a large apartment building that now has rats in the walls. Because nature—you know, look, I understand. The Pacific Northwest is a paradise. Where it never gets too cold, never gets too hot, except for in Logan’s bedroom, apparently. And there aren’t bugs coming in, and there isn’t wildlife coming in. But there will be! I don’t care about that huge gate. There will be wildlife coming in. Something’s gonna get in. Mice. I don’t like this at all. You’re gonna wake up and find a pile of mouse poop in your drawer. Not good.

I think this is really not a sustainable situation. Keeping that screen door, or that—excuse me—that sliding door open for a period of time. You know, Voltar, the G.I. Joe, character—villain, member of Cobra—has a mascot, has a little pet perched on his action figure shoulder. You know what it is? It’s a big old condor.

(They chuckle.)

One of the top falconry action figures of all time, it turns out. Maybe a condor will fly in, an owl could fly in, any kind of bird could fly in. You ever come home from a trip to Western Massachusetts to realize you left your kitchen window open, and then it turns out that—for at least a week—a pigeon has been in there, living and pooping everywhere?

David: I’ve never had that very specific feeling.

John Hodgman: Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, one should know better than to leave their window open. But maybe someone like me wanted a little ventilation, because I too run hot, David. I get it. I looove to get that fresh air. But this is not a sustainable solution. There will be pigeon poop of some kind or another. It’s gonna enter your life. Even if a human does not walk into your house. Or for that matter, another husky! Maybe someone has a husky in the neighborhood. Anything could happen.

Having a wide-open crack in the envelope of your home, unattended overnight or late into the night—even if it’s only sometimes? Eh, you’re rolling the dice. This is my warning to you.

(Beat.)

However, none of these are complaints that Logan has brought. Logan doesn’t seem to care about that door being open.

[00:55:00]

Logan only cares about his own body temperature. And that’s fair! If Logan doesn’t have a complaint about the risk you are taking by leaving your door open for a while, then I’ve got nothing to rule on other than the complaint at hand. Which is how do we make the room not hot? Now Logan asked specifically in his ideal ruling for David to close the door and open the vents in his room as an experiment in order to see what Logan deals with. In other words, you want to punish David by making him real hot.

(They giggle.)

At least once. And I order it. Sure, why not? Just one night of torture for David. And then I think the next step is for you to investigate—maybe talking to handyman Jesse Thorn some more—how you can reorganize the thermostat such that it isn’t calling for heat all the time. Because the fact is, this is a problem that will resolve itself, sadly. I mean, based on what I’ve learned in my research, this is the final—we are approaching the final chapter in Voltar’s life. Soon that great big cosmic condor will come and lift him and take him away to Cobra Heaven, or whatever. Whatever dogs believe in. (Laughs.)

David: Yeah. G.I. Joe, for sure.

John Hodgman: And I would very, very much like to order that a doggy door be installed, because it seems like the right solution. And I don’t care about where David sits.

(David laughs.)

But I have close to zero confidence that Voltar will find that to be an acceptable solution. I mean, it’s just—I mean, talk about rolling the dice. You know, it seems like you have a 1-in-36 chance that Voltar will actually go through that door instead of getting annoyed by it or never notice it. Right? I mean, don’t you—? I just don’t think he’s gonna go for it.

David: He might. I’d have to point him to it a couple times and push him through, and it would be a whole thing. But I mean, he could use it.

John Hodgman: Yeah, but then he’ll just never go through it again. I mean, it’s just gonna be an expense and a reorganization. And also, if you’re thinking about getting cats in the future—

David: I can’t do that.

John Hodgman: And you want your indoor cats, which is what most veterinarians recommend—just whatever you choose to do is your business, but if you want to eventually secure this house from cats escaping and/or rodents getting in, having a big old open doggy door behind your chair, David, is not a solution.

So, really, against every impulse that I have… I am going to rule in David’s favor and allow Voltar to enjoy these last however many years of his life, driving you both crazy, and driving you both bananas, and also causing you to spend more money on heating. But I think you can mitigate that and make Logan more comfortable by investigating a different arrangement with the thermostat. And one of the fun things about owning a home is it’s a perpetual expensive hobby that you’ll have for the rest of your life. So. Figure it out!

David: Very true, very true.

John Hodgman: Until then, this is the sound of a gavel. (Mimics sad, warbly dog howling.) Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all.

Jesse Thorn: Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

(Chairs squeak, followed by heavy footsteps and a door closing.)

David, are you excited about this ruling?

David: I am surprised, not in—I never thought it would come in my favor. But I’m really glad that, you know, the judge saw the benefit of letting Volt live his happy husky life outdoors with no barrier to get back inside.

Jesse Thorn: Logan, how do you feel about the verdict? You look a little stunned.

Logan: No, I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily stunned. You know, I figure that—again, Dave’s gonna do what he’s gonna do. He’s gonna care for Voltar in the ways that he thinks are best. I do appreciate that, you know, he’s gonna experience one night of a sauna bedroom.

David: It’ll be awful.

Logan: Which I feel like might compel him to take more action on addressing the concern.

Jesse Thorn: Well, David, Logan, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

David: Yeah, thanks for having us.

Logan: It was a pleasure.

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Jesse Thorn: Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books. Our thanks to Redditor Nixorbo for naming this week’s episode. That’s another G.I. Joe bad guy, (laughing) Nixorbo.

John Hodgman: Nixorbo.

Jesse Thorn: Join the conversation on our subreddit. That’s Reddit.com/r/maximumfun. That’s where we ask for future title suggestions as well.

[01:00:00]

So, go and make a suggestion, or just check out other people’s suggestions. It’s always fun. You can also discuss the show there. Always a lively discussion. Evidence and photos from the show are on our Instagram account. That’s at Instagram.com/judgejohnhodgman. You can also find them on the episode page at MaximumFun.org.

We are on TikTok and YouTube, @JudgeJohnHodgmanPod. Want to see video from the show or video of the show? Yes, that’s right. The entire show is in video form on your tube. Follow and subscribe in those locations.

John Hodgman: In fact, if you’re watching on YouTube, stay tuned to the very end. I have a very special after credits story to tell Jesse Thorn, which you can listen to and see.

In the meantime, I wanna say thank you to all of you for watching and listening, especially those of you who are members of Maximum Fun. We do have the MaxFunDrive coming up in a few weeks! But I also wanna say thank you to a user named Jabber71 over there on Apple Podcast for the very nice words that they left, as well as a 5-star rating.

Jabber71 says, “While I found this a few years late, I’ve gone back and enjoyed every episode. Sadly, now that I’m caught up, I have to wait impatiently for each Wednesday’s new episode. While I may not agree with every judgment,”—okay, Jabber71, sorry—“I will say that each and every case has made me consider life’s mundane problems in a different way. I often proselytize by sharing cases with friends and family.”

Jesse Thorn: Thank you!

John Hodgman: Thank you so much, Jabber71.

“I use the case as a discussion starter over a drink or during a road trip.”

I thought that said “over a drink while on a road trip”.

Jesse Thorn: No, that’s not a good idea.

John Hodgman: Keep those things separate.

“Then I encourage them to listen to the show and find out how it was decided.”

Thank you, Jabber71. We really appreciate it when you share episodes with people who you think might enjoy them or use them to start conversations. If you’re listening to us on Apple Podcast, a great way to share the episode, of course, is to give it a rating and to review five stars, if you feel we’ve merited it. You can do the same on Pocket Casts, and it also is really helpful if you leave a comment on Spotify or on YouTube. Make sure you like, share, and subscribe. All of these really help new listeners find the show.

Jesse Thorn: Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorn and John Hodgman. This episode, engineered by Mike DiNapoli at The Studio in Portland, Oregon. Our social media manager is Dan Telfer. Our video producer, Daniel Speer. The podcast, edited by A.J. McKeon. Our producer is Jennifer Marmor.

Now, Swift Justice, where we answer small disputes with quick judgment.

Ardsley Park on the Maximum Fun sub says, “My office is rumored to have been occupied by Albert Einstein in the 1930s. My clients often ask me how it feels to be working where Einstein once did. Should I tell the truth and bum out my clients? Or is it better to play along and preserve their sense of wonder?”

You know, John?

John Hodgman: What?

Jesse Thorn: Somebody, I can’t remember who, once said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”

Oh! I remembered! It was my middle school math teacher. (Chuckles.)

John Hodgman: Albert Einstein was your middle school math teacher? I thought that’s what you were quoting.

Jesse Thorn: Yeah, that’s a quote from an Albert Einstein poster that was on every middle school math teacher’s wall, right? Yeah. I’m getting some nods from the peanut gallery over there.

John Hodgman: Albert Einstein—look, I didn’t know him personally. I didn’t work in your office in the ‘30s. But it sounds to me like Albert Einstein probably respects the difference between knowability and unknowability, because of science. And if you know for sure that Albert Einstein was not in that office, then it’s fine to say, “Yeah, that’s actually just a myth. It’s not true.” Even if it bums out your clients and you lose the big sale. I mean, I feel like honesty is still the best policy. But it doesn’t sound like you know for sure.

So, don’t bum people out. Just say, “No, that’s something they say about this place. It would be exciting if it’s true.” Just tell the truth! Generally, just tell the truth, unless you’re a salesperson, in which case you have to lie all the time anyway.

Jesse, it’s cold in Salem, Oregon and across the Northeast as well. But that doesn’t mean that spring isn’t out there. Spring is waiting to spring, and it’s time to start thinking about spring break. I know I’m thinking about it. Are you? What are your spring break disputes? What about your spring break horror stories, tales about going on spring break with someone where it went wrong? Did you want to go to Cabo, but the rest of your friends chose Daytona Beach? Are you the friend who wakes up early to claim pool chairs at the resort, but now you want to sleep in for once?

They don’t have to be necessarily spring break related. Any sort of fun travel dispute will do. Send them all in to MaximumFun.org/jjho. Where, by the way, we receive all of your disputes. Right, Jesse?

[01:05:00]

Jesse Thorn: MaximumFun.org/jjho for any dispute, big or small. We read them all. MaximumFun.org/jjho. It’s just a little web form. Go in there, give us your email address, tell us what your dispute is. Maybe it’ll end up in the New York Times Magazine, maybe it’ll end up in the membo mailbag. Maybe it will end up here on the show. Maybe it will end up on social media. It is the lifeblood of our program. So, go to MaximumFun.org/jjho. And whatever it is, toss it our way.

We’ll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Transition: Cheerful ukulele chord.

Speaker 1: Maximum Fun.

Speaker 2: A worker-owned network.

Speaker 3: Of artist owned shows.

Speaker 4: Supported—

Speaker 5: —directly—

Speaker 6: —by you!

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