TRANSCRIPT Judge John Hodgman Ep. 761: Not in My Fur-isdiction

[00:00:00]

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Jean Grae: Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast! I am guest bailiff Jean Grae—mostly—sitting in for Jesse Thorn. This week, “Not in My Fur-isdiction”. Michele brings a case against her husband, Nate. Michele and Nate are living the childfree dream—as well as I! Three cats, two dogs, and a Subaru Baja!

John & Jean: (Chanting emphatically.) SUBARU BAJA!

Jean Grae: They have it all, but Michele wants more pets. Nate has two cars and a motorcycle. Michele says that if they are embracing vehicle maximalism, it’s only fair to embrace pet maximalism! Nate says (definitively) they have enough pets for now! Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Only one can decide! Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. (Whispers.) Baja.

(Chairs squeak, followed by heavy footsteps and a door closing.)

John Hodgman: “Oh no. Oh! No, you cannot bring this with you. This is a hammer. This is a very large hammer!”

Guest bailiff Jean Grae, welcome back to the show. Please swear the litigants in.

Jean Grae: Michele and Nate, please rise and raise your right hands.

(Chairs squeak.)

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or a shoe or a piece of gum? Whatever!

(They swear.)

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman’s ruling despite the fact that he tried to limit my usage of “U”s earlier just now? Like, I think he’s fine, but I feel like that was going a bit far. Anyway, do you swear to abide besides that?

(They swear.)

Alright, I guess. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

John Hodgman: Michele and Nate, you may be seated.

(Chairs squeak.)

Jean, I would never limit your use of “U”s.

Jean Grae: Felt like it…

John Hodgman: No! This is especially a heavy “U”s case!

Jean Grae: It is a very heavy “U”s case.

John Hodgman: There are a lot of “U”s in the word (with a flourish) Suuub-ah-rrru-bahh!

Jean Grae: (Laughing.) Sub—? Sub-what-ah-wah-ha!

John Hodgman: But before we talk about that, for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors, Nate and Michele—(interrupting himself) Jean, it’s so great to see you again. Thanks for being here.

Jean Grae: (Whispers.) You too.

John Hodgman: Nate and Michele, you’re still here too. Sitting down now. Can you guess the very short, very obscure cultural reference that I mentioned as I entered the courtroom?

We’ll start with Michele.

Michele: Okay. It’s very obscure, but I’m still gonna go with my prepared guess, which is a quote from George Orwell’s Animal Farm.

John Hodgman: Love it. A quote from George Orwell’s Animal Farm. I believe the quote that you’re thinking of: (restraining laughter) “I’m tired of these mother(censor beep) animals on this mother(censor beep) farm.” Would that be right?

Michele: Yes, exactly.

(They laugh.)

John Hodgman: Nate, what’s your guess?

Nate: I was gonna go with a Taco Bell Baja Blast commercial.

John Hodgman: Taco Bell Baja—? Oh, in a reference to what particularly? A Subaru Baja?

Nate: The Mountain Dew Baja Blast flavor.

John Hodgman: The Mountain Dew Baja Blast flavor at Taco Bell.

Jean Grae: Well, I kind of feel like people might have a hammer at the Taco Bell.

John Hodgman: That’s true. (Chuckles.) You might bring a hammer to the Taco Bell. Well, I’ve written all of those guesses down very plainly, as you can see on the YouTube—@JudgeJohnHodgmanPod on YouTube. You should go there and subscribe and see all of our episodes live on video! But in the meantime, all guesses are wrong. There’s no way you could have guessed this one. Jean, I won’t even make you go through the motion of guessing, ’cause there’s no way anyone could guess, ’cause it’s actually not a piece of obscure culture. It’s not a piece of culture at all. It’s something that only I heard.

We were recently at San Francisco at the wonderful SF Sketchfest, where we did a wonderful show—which you may have heard by now, listener. And on the way back from San Francisco Sketchfest, those were the words that were said to me by the TSA agent at San Francisco International Airport as they confiscated my gavel! That’s right. I used to have—and you used to be able to see it here on the video sitting right behind me. But it’s gone now. It’s empty. Only the platform remains. And on that platform is written: “Judge John Hodgman, our planet’s finest decision maker.”

(Jean “aw”s.)

Hope you can see that. You can see many knicks where I hit this with the gavel over the years. Those years amount to about 15, I would guess, since our listener and one-time litigant, Matt Howie, gave that giant gavel to me. And in the past few years, I’ve been traveling around the country with it, ’cause it makes a wonderful stage prop. And indeed, uh—(laughs) I’ve never had a problem with it going through security.

Michele: (Shocked.) Really?!

John Hodgman: And I actually— Yeah, I know. I was surprised too. Like, I’m talking about in a carry-on in my bag. I would carry it with me. I came to San Francisco with it that way.

Jean Grae: Judge—Judge John Hodgman.

John Hodgman: What do you think about that Jean?

Jean Grae: Someone once gave me a small pendant of brass knuckles. A pendant!

John Hodgman: A pen-dant.

[00:05:00]

Jean Grae: A pen-dant! Tiny!

John Hodgman: That has knuckles, tiny.

Jean Grae: And they were confiscated at the airport. And what do—?! Who do you think—? For babies?! Do you think babies are going to use this? Do you think I’m gonna give it to a baby on the—? A strange baby?!

John Hodgman: Maybe they thought that you had a doll that was inhabited by a demon and it was going to magically come to life.

Jean Grae: That’s a better story. But no, don’t. But they let you carry a gavel.

John Hodgman: I’m bereft of my gavel. And you know, I had seen this as a real moment of growth for me, the rule follower. Because every time I packed it, I was like, “They’re gonna take this away. Of course, it’s a weapon! It looks terrible on the x-ray.” But for years they didn’t. And then finally, the risk caught up with me. All is well though, because this time I’m gonna get another gavel. I’m talking to our friend Nick Offerman—our friend, and your distant cousin, I believe, Jean. Right? Nick Offerman?

Jean Grae: Nick Offerman is my cousin.

John Hodgman: We are talking to him about crafting a new giant gavel for the court. In the meantime, I’m gonna use this old, new Dick Cavett Show mug that I got from—that I stole from the set of Bored to Death. And, unfortunately, the handle broke. And I’ve got the pieces in here, and I’m gonna repair that too. Things get broken in this life. Judge John Hodgman and its court are here to put them back together, sort of. Anyway.

(Jean chuckles.)

I’ll be banging this as a gavel this time until we get that new one from Nick Offerman. (A flat, ceramic gavel bang.)

In the meantime, we’ve got this case to hear. Neither of you were able to guess the thing that happened to me. There was no way. Unless you were behind me in line. So, Nate and Michele, sorry that I couldn’t give you a real guess there. I’m also a little scarred, Nate and Michele. Because when we did our show in San Francisco Sketchfest and I did the obscure cultural reference, the litigant got it completely right. And there was no way for me to weasel out of it. And if you haven’t listened to that episode and heard my horrible, awkward squirming, uhhh, you should go listen to it now.

But in the meantime, time moves in one direction. Here we are with you, Nate and Michele. So glad to have you here. You may be seated. Michele— (Correcting himself.) Or you’re already sitting down. Michele, you seek justice in this court. Is that right?

Michele: That is correct.

John Hodgman: I mean, there’s a lot going on in this case, but part of it is that you object to Nate’s (rolling the “R”.) Subaru Bajaaa. You consider it to be his car and not a shared car. Tell me about your objection to the Baja.

Michele: Well, I don’t actually object to the Baja. The Baja is now a fact of our lives. I’m actually a partial owner. I am on the—

John Hodgman: There are a lot of things that are now a fact of our lives that I still object to.

Michele: This is true.

John Hodgman: I don’t know. Maybe that’s me. There are a lot of facts of our lives that are objectionable right now.

Michele: Okay. Well, I don’t object. I guess I don’t—I don’t understand it. You know, I know that Nate’s basic argument for his love of the Subaru Baja is, “Well, look at it.”

(John laughs.)

“It’s a fun looking car.” It’s what? It’s neither a good pickup truck or a good Outback. It’s just a Baja is kind of the explanation. But around the same time—

John Hodgman: Just so that our listeners and perhaps our viewers on the podcast— I’ll just interrupt briefly. You said look at it. Let’s do look at it for a moment, so that our viewers on the YouTube channel—as well as our listeners—can at least get a visual or an audio picture of what a Subaru Baja is, in case they don’t know. Jean, you know what a Subaru Baja is?

Jean Grae: I looked at it earlier. I had not known previously what a Subaru Baja was. But it’s an interesting… vehicle.

John Hodgman: Yeah. Let’s take a look at it, that piece of evidence—Exhibit A—real quick. And so, Michele, why don’t you describe what this vehicle is?

Michele: I mean, it’s a Subaru support vehicle. But kind of where you would think the back half of the car would be, there’s a partial, almost-truck bed with a—roll bar? What is—what would you call that? Those little—?

John Hodgman: Yeah, Nate, what would you call that? A roll bar?

Nate: Yeah. They’re part of the vehicle structure.

John Hodgman: It’s quite a small truck bed, isn’t it?

Nate: It is, yep.

John Hodgman: Like, mostly what you’re gonna be carting around in that is babies and evil dolls, right?

Nate: Pretty much. Yeah. It’s got room for that.

John Hodgman: Nothing much bigger than that. And we have talked about Subaru Bajas on this podcast in the past—specifically, in our episode 579 “Suba-Rule of Law”.

Jean Grae: (Under her breath.) Oh boy.

John Hodgman: (Giggles.) In which I— It was a case between a couple, Sophie and John. And I denied John the right to get his dream car, a (with a flourish and a rolled “R”) Subaru Baja. Did you get your Subaru Baja as revenge on me for my bad ruling on John?

Nate: I think that might be a little bit of car-ma (karma).

Jean Grae: That was a very good pun. It was a very—

[00:10:00]

John Hodgman: I was trying to determine whether pun was intended there. Offense taken, in any case. (Chuckles.) You were not aware that we’ve covered the Subaru Baja in the past on the podcast, were you?

Nate: No.

John Hodgman: No. This was a completely natural, intrinsic desire to get an additional vehicle: a (rolling the “R”) Subaru Baja.

Jean Grae: Which is sort of like a turducken. It’s like a ca-truck-wagon.

John Hodgman: A ca-truck-wagon.

Jean Grae: Yeah.

John Hodgman: A (struggling to recombine the words) t-truck—truck—car—

Jean Grae: Many things.

John Hodgman: A cartruckagon.

Jean Grae: Cartruckagon.

John Hodgman: A cartruckagon. Yeah. What do you use it for? What do you haul around in the Baja?

Nate: Mostly us and our dogs.

John Hodgman: Those dogs ride in the back, in the baby cab? Or in the baby bed?

Nate: No. No. They ride safely in the backseat.

John Hodgman: Oh, they— Okay, good. It’s a four-seater, right?

Nate: Correct.

John Hodgman: So, what do you haul around in the back there?

Nate: Nothing yet. I have the idea of maybe getting a smaller motorcycle and putting that in the back and going somewhere more mountainy.

John Hodgman: (Laughs.) When you say smaller, do I take it that you already have one?

Nate: Yeah, I have a small motorcycle.

Jean Grae: How small?

John Hodgman: Oh yeah. How small?

Michele: Like for babies?

John Hodgman: Yeah! Yeah.

Nate: It’s a 300cc. So, in the motorcycle world that would be a—that would be on the smaller side.

John Hodgman: But it doesn’t fit in the back of the Baja.

Nate: It’s still a little heavy.

John Hodgman: Got it. So, what’s your whole vehicle inventory over there in Nebraska? I find you in Nebraska, is that correct?

Nate: Yeah, actually. And Dick Cavett is from Lincoln.

John Hodgman: That’s true. I hadn’t thought about that!

Nate: Well, no, his mother lived in a house right across the street from ours.

John Hodgman: Really?! (Chuckles.) That’s wonderful! I’ll have to send a note to Dick and let him know that his mom lived across the street from Nate and Michele. And their many vehicles! What’s the inventory? What’s the vehicle inventory at your home right now, there in Nebraska, Nate?

Nate: Well, Michele has a Chevy Bolt.

John Hodgman: Terrific.

Nate: And we have a Subaru Outback. And I have my—

John Hodgman: That’s a different kind of Subaru.

Nate: Right? It’s kinda like the front half of the Baja.

John Hodgman: Yeah. It’s like a Baja that functions.

Nate: Right. I have my little Kawasaki Versys 300 motorcycle. And we’ve just added the Baja. So, just those four.

John Hodgman: And when you say “we,” did you mean “I?” Or “we?” Truly “we.”

Nate: Uh, “we”—I bought it with permission.

John Hodgman: Okay. But it is to service your midlife crisis needs, not necessarily Michele’s.

Nate: Entirely. Yes.

John Hodgman: Okay. And you already had a motorcycle for your midlife crisis needs.

Nate: Correct.

Jean Grae: He’s also wanting to seek another smaller motorcycle that goes inside of it, further in the turducken of the Baja.

John Hodgman: Yeah. He wants it to be motorcycles all the way down. Yeah. Yeah. Why the Baja? This is not a car in production currently, so I know you got it used. Tell me what the attraction of it was to you.

Nate: Yeah, they only made it for three years—2003 to 2006. And I’ve always just thought it was really cool and really fun looking. And beyond that, I have no legitimate or rational justification for having one other than just really wanting it.

John Hodgman: And Michele, you gave Nate permission. Correct?

Michele: I did.

John Hodgman: I mean, you—(scoffing) “permission.” You’re both fully grown adults, whole human beings in your own right. But you are a married couple, sharing finances. Obviously, a big purchase. You were consulted and you agreed that this was okay?

Michele: I did. Actually, I think I’m the one that kind of—not put the idea into your head, but I was like, “There’s this Subaru Baja sitting at the end of our street that’s for sale.”

John Hodgman: Oh!

Michele: “What do you think about that?”

And he was like, “I’m trying not to think about it.”

John Hodgman: Oh!

Michele: And went back and forth for about a couple months, I think.

Nate: Yeah.

Michele: Until the point that I was like, “The only person standing in your way is you,” ’cause you wouldn’t even text them about the price and some information about the car itself that eventually—when contact was made, it kind of became the conversation of “are we really gonna do this?”

And I was like, “Why?”

And he was like, “I just want it.”

John Hodgman: So, you planted the seed.

Michele: I think I did.

John Hodgman: But when it came time to reap what you had sown, you had a little bit of hesitation. But ultimatelyyyy, you went along with it.

Michele: I did. Because it makes him happy. And I told him he could test drive it, and if he really loved it then we could look into it. And he really loved it.

John Hodgman: Is it a manual or automatic transmission?

Nate: Ohhh, I wish it was a manual.

John Hodgman: Yeah.

Nate: It is an automatic, but that’s okay.

John Hodgman: Well, you, you can’t get every Baja you want.

[00:15:00]

Right? Sometimes you get the Bajas that are available just down the street there. You know, I heard (laughing)—I heard that that was the Subaru Baja that Dick Cavett learned to drive on.

Nate: Yeah, I think so.

John Hodgman: It’s a piece of talk show—(chuckles) uh, talk show history.

Jean Grae: It’s made from pieces of the set.

John Hodgman: It’s made from pieces of the Dick Cavett Show set. Exactly right.

Jean Grae: Yes, very true.

John Hodgman: And it’s got a very curious horn. When you honk the horn, it goes, “(Singing loudly.) BAH-bah-baba-ba-bop-bada, bah-bada-ba, bah-bah, bop-bah-pa-da, bop-ah-dabop-bop-ba-da! Babada-bop-ba-bapada!”

Jean Grae: It’s long.

Nate: I was really wondering why it did that. But yeah.

John Hodgman: If you’re watching on YouTube now, you can pause this and open another window and open up some old episodes of the Dick Cavett Show from the ‘60s and ‘70s. And you’ll hear that that was his theme song. Here we are in the present. Sorry about that. I kind of went into a different place.

Jean Grae: You know what would’ve been great? If that was just not the Dick Cavett theme song at all.

(Michele laughs.)

John Hodgman: I think it’s a preexisting song.

Jean Grae: If just—if what you had just sung was just random.

John Hodgman: If I had just improvised it?

Jean Grae: Yeah. Yeah.

Transition: Three gavel bangs.

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[00:20:00]

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Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

John Hodgman: Michele, your objection is not really to this car. But in fact, what you want is to use the purchase of this midlife Baja as a justification to add an extra pet to your house. Is that correct?

Michele: Or two!

John Hodgman: So, what is your current pet portfolio, Michele?

Michele: Well, currently we have three cats—two of whom were Nate’s, previous to us meeting each other.

John Hodgman: Right.

Michele: Then I had a cat I brought into the situation who has sadly passed.

John Hodgman: I’m sorry to hear that.

Michele: But then since then we’ve— Oh, thank you.

John Hodgman: What was that cat’s name?

Michele: Oh, that was Cobb.

John Hodgman: Cobb?

Michele: Cobb.

John Hodgman: Rest in purrs, Cobb.

Michele: You actually said—

John Hodgman: (Talking over her.) What are the names of Nate’s cats? They don’t have names to you? They’re not whole feline cats in their own right?

Michele: Oh, sorry. They’re whole feline cats in their own right. So, we started with Harley—

John Hodgman: Harley.

Michele: —who is our eldest. He’s 18. Then we have Tobias.

John Hodgman: Whoa!

Michele: And then we got Garfunkel, who’s going to be 11.

John Hodgman: Oh!

Michele: Also 12? He’s a dog.

John Hodgman: Okay, gotcha.

Michele: And then we got Oats, also a dog who is four.

John Hodgman: You had to have sent in some photos of these animals.

Michele: Oh, of course. Of course.

John Hodgman: Alright, let’s take a look.

(Jean “aw”s.)

If you’re watching on YouTube, you’ll see these photos right now. If not, they will be on all of our social medias, as well as on our show page at MaximumFun.org. Go ahead. Let’s look at the animals!

Jean Grae: Stacks of cats!

John Hodgman: Stacks of cats!

Jean Grae: (Excitedly.) Immediately, stack of cats!

Michele: That’s what’s lovingly referred to as the Tower of Meower. It was a mechanism by which we fed all three cats. The one in the middle is monstrous; that’s Tobias. He would be eating everyone else’s food. The cat on top is Cobb, so this is an older photo. But our third cat now is also gray, so I guess it’s a good representation.

John Hodgman: And the cat on the bottom?

Michele: That is Harley.

John Hodgman: That is Harley! Have I seen this Tower of Meower before?

Nate: You have.

John Hodgman: I thought I did! You guys have been on Get Your Pets, my every-now-and-then afternoon talk show where I go on the internet and talk to people’s pets!

Jean Grae: Did you recognize the cat stacks?

John Hodgman: I recognized the stacks immediately. The cats I did not recognize. No offense. It’s been a few years, I would think, Michele and Nate. A couple of years maybe.

Michele: Yeah. I think originally we talked to you in 2020. (Chuckles.)

John Hodgman: 2020. Oh my gosh! Weeell, it’s nice to see all of these cats and you again! I’m sorry that I didn’t recognize you, but all humans look alike to me. But cats look different. And this is a wonderful setup. I love Cobb at the top. I’m sorry Cobb is no longer with us. And Harley, you mentioned on the bottom, came to the relationship with you, Nate. Is that correct?

Nate: Yeah, that’s correct. I adopted him in January of 2008 as just a-few-week-old kitten. And so, he’s been with me since then.

John Hodgman: 2008. I know that you already told me his age, and I can’t do the math. So, tell me again how old he is.

Nate: Yeah, he just turned 18 in December.

John Hodgman: Whoa! That is a senior cat. Jean Grae, you also are a companion to a wonderful cat named Littles.

Jean Grae: Yes.

John Hodgman: How’s Littles doing, and how old is Littles these days?

Jean Grae: Littles is gonna be 10 this year.

John Hodgman: Wow.

Jean Grae: Which feels like a lot. And every time I talk to the vet or something and they keep saying stuff like, “Well, he’s a little older,” I’m like, “He’s just a baby.”

John Hodgman: He’s just a baby!

Jean Grae: He’s just a baby! You shut your mouth.

John Hodgman: That’s right. That’s quite a diversified portfolio. You have a well-balanced cats-and-dogs mix. You have a very senior cat, and you have a very junior cat, and you have a lot in the middle. Seems like enough. But you say, Michele, “Not enough cats.”

Michele: Well, okay. Around the time that Nate was finalizing his purchase of everything of the Subaru Baja, our pet licenses came due. The city of Lincoln requires us to license all pets in the household within city limits. And he was like, “Did you know we could have five cats and three dogs?”

And I said, “Why don’t we?”

John Hodgman: Oh! The city of Lincoln requires you to register all of your cats and dogs.

Michele: Yes.

John Hodgman: That’s not something that happens where you live, is it, Jean?

Jean Grae: No, it’s not. Does that happen in New York?

John Hodgman: No!

Jean Grae: No, that’s impossible. How would they—? No one wants to talk to us about the things we have in our home.

John Hodgman: (Laughs.) Boy, oh boy. I’ve heard wonderful things about the city of Lincoln, Nebraska. It’s a college town, I believe.

Nate: That’s correct.

[00:25:00]

John Hodgman: So, you realized you were under the limit on pets, and you decided it was time to maximize—max out your pet portfolio. Is that correct, Michele?

Michele: I honestly don’t see why not.

John Hodgman: Nate, you must be the one holding her back!

Nate: Well, I would like to increase our pet portfolio, in time. For sure. So—

John Hodgman: (Cutting him off.) Great! We’re all done. Bye-bye! Let me slam down the Cavett mug.

Michele: Thank you!

John Hodgman: See ya! (A ceramic thunk.)

Nate: So, I think I definitely would like to do that in time. My primary concern right now is Harley, with his advanced age. And he has some untreatable medical issues as well.

(John and Jean react with sad, empathetic hums.)

And so, I really just want to have him have the rest of his life with as much comfort and ease as possible.

John Hodgman: Well, it’s a wonderful collection of pets. But you’re suggesting, Nate, that adopting a new— Would it be a cat or a dog, do you think, Michele? If you were to get your way.

Michele: I would actually like a pair of bonded kittens.

John Hodgman: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think the city of Lincoln, Nebraska would have something to say about that.

Michele: We’re still under five!

John Hodgman: Wait a minute. You have Tobias, Bean, Garfunkel, Oats. That’s five. Five!

Michele: Oh no, it’s five cats and three dogs.

Jean: Ohhh!

John Hodgman: Oh! Oh.

Michele: Mm-hm.

Jean Grae: So, max three dogs. Max five cats. Is there a limit to the other kinds of pets that you can have?

John Hodgman: Yeah. What do the city ordinances say about bearded dragons? A partridge in a pear tree?

Michele: Well, per the city of Lincoln, the animal control FAQ—it does outline that you can have up to three adult dogs, a limit of five adult cats. A maximum of 15 cats is allowed with two types of permits. So, I think I’m actually being very reasonable. If we had more permits—

John Hodgman: (Laughing.) Wait, wait. Is Lincoln Nebraska such a nanny state that you have to apply to be a hoarder?

Michele: You would need a cattery permit.

John Hodgman: Oh, okay.

Jean Grae: A cattery permit!

John Hodgman: Well, then you’re breeding cats. Okay, I got you.

Jean Grae: Alright. That’s different.

John Hodgman: But what about snakes? What about the herps? What about turtles? Geckos? What about rabbits?

Michele: We haven’t looked into that specifically. I think animal control is mostly focused on the four-legged, furry variety.

John Hodgman: What other rules does nanny state Nebraska—specifically Lincoln—have about cats? Can you let them outdoors? Are outdoor pets allowed? Cats allowed, I mean. Or no? just outta curiosity.

Nate: Outdoor cats are allowed. Yes.

John Hodgman: Yeah. Okay.

Michele: The requirement is that they be spayed and neutered.

John Hodgman: Let me ask you a question. If you’re a cool dude with a cool Subaru Baja, and you’ve got your very elderly cat—your old buddy that you raised since a kitten—can you put ’em in the front seat and drive around in the Baja together?

Nate: I think so. Yeah.

John Hodgman: You ever do that? You ever put him in the front seat and go cruising, just the two of you? Cruising through the corn fields?

Nate: Yep. Yep. And he hates it.

John Hodgman: Maybe you’re not listening to the right music. What kind of music are you listening to?

Jean Grae: Well, usually you just cruise to the vet.

John Hodgman: Oh, okay.

Jean Grae: Well, that’s not— No, it’s gotta be a non-vet trip. Just a crazy—no destination. Just dad and child cruisin’. Dad and child cruisin’!

John Hodgman: Yeah. Just put on some middle of the road rock. Pick a sunset. Drive through the cornfields. It turns into a Cialis commercial, basically.

Jean Grae: Soundtrack from Children of the Corn.

John Hodgman: (Laughs.) There you go.

Alright. But you have— So, you are concerned that adopting another—in this case, two; twin or sibling bonded pair— Bonded pair, or siblings specifically? Cats, Michele.

Michele: Eh, either/or. I’m flexible.

John Hodgman: Okay. Two new cats is gonna be too much for Harley. What are you afraid is gonna happen with Harley, Nate?

Nate: I just want to make sure that he’s not getting ganged up on by a bunch of little—

John Hodgman: Feisty kittens?

Nate: Yeah, little whipper snappers.

John Hodgman: Little Subaru brats?

Nate: Right. And just that he also has all of the care and attention from us that he needs.

John Hodgman: If you got those two kittens, you could call them the Subaru brats. Did you think of that, Michele?

Michele: I didn’t, but that might actually strengthen my argument.

John Hodgman: I dunno. It’s starting to feel good. It’s starting to feel good to me.

Michele: We can call them Baja and Brat.

John Hodgman: Baja and Brat!

Jean Grae: (Under her breath.) Baja and Brat.

John Hodgman: I mean, Nate, you’re feeling this now, right?

Nate: Two-barus.

John Hodgman: I hate to be blunt, Nate, but how long do you anticipate Harley being with you?

Nate: I hope he can make it to his next birthday, but he does have a tumor that we cannot treat. We can just make him comfortable. And so, a year at the most, probably.

John Hodgman: Right.

[00:30:00]

Michele, why can’t you just wait until Harley passes away?

Michele: He did really love Tobias when he was little.

Nate: He did.

Michele: And we don’t have to just mash the cats together!

Jean Grae: Please don’t! Please don’t.

Michele: Yeah, no. (Laughs.)

Jean Grae: Please don’t mash the cats together.

(John wheezes a laugh.)

I know you guys like portmanteaus and the vehicles and such, but we don’t have to do that to physical animals.

Michele: We don’t have to Baja Blast them together! (Giggles softly.)

Jean Grae: We don’t have to do that.

John Hodgman: Cartruckagons. You love cartruckagons, but you don’t have to mash the cats together. Even though the Bean introduction did not work to Harley’s benefit. Two new kittens might actually—Harley might love them the way Harley loved Tobias and might bring him more comfort and peace as the nears the end of his time on his journey on this planet.

Michele: Well, I guess Bean wasn’t like a kitten. She was probably a few months—four to six months old, maybe? She had also come from like a hoarding situation. Had probably had a litter herself. She might have some cat-related trauma. I’m talking about fresh. Like, fluffy. Like, little Bean—not little Beans. Like, fresh, little guys!

John Hodgman: Fluffy kittens. Where are you gonna get these fresh, little kittens from?

Michele: We’ll just see. Maybe I’ll find them parked at the end of our street?

John Hodgman: Like a Baja?

Michele: Maybe they’ll find me.

John Hodgman: So, it’s just a fantasy adoption that you’re thinking of at this moment?

Michele: (Conceding.) It is. I also know that if I like—

John Hodgman: Your angel kittens live in kitten limbo at the moment.

(Michele confirms.)

I see. So, you don’t have any specific plans.

Michele: I do not.

John Hodgman: You just wanna max out what the law allows you in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Jean Grae: They like maxing things out.

John Hodgman: I mean, it doesn’t sound like Nate has even done maximizing—or maximalizing, if you will—his vehicle portfolio. He wants to add a second teeny-tiny motorcycle!

Michele: I thought the understanding was you would get rid of one motorcycle.

Nate: I would be selling my current motorcycle to replace. Yeah.

Jean Grae: Oh, alright.

John Hodgman: What kinda little motorcycle can you fit in the Baja? Do you have one in mind? Or is that something you just hope someone will park at the bottom of your driveway one day?

Nate: Probably something more like a small dirt bike type motorcycle.

John Hodgman: So, it seems to me that, Michele, your argument that Harley would enjoy these two kittens is a real question mark. And they’re purely fantasy at this point.

Michele: (Conceding sadly.) They are.

John Hodgman: And as we are all learning every day, time moves very fast. I don’t understand what the argument would be to bring in new animals when Harley is at the end of his life journey. Do you want to make an argument? That it’s necessary?

Michele: I don’t know if it’s necessary. But having lost my cat of 15 years, I think for a while it was a lot harder after that to fill that space.

John Hodgman: Yeah. I mean at that point, you only had two other cats and two dogs.

Michele: Yeah. Well, actually no. We only had one dog. I did get a dog to try to fill that space.

John Hodgman: Well, how did it go?

Michele: Oats went pretty good! And honestly—look, if you wanna talk about keeping Harley safe, he runs— Oats runs over Harley a lot of the times. He’s a bit rambunctious.

John Hodgman: Yeah. I actually— I honestly haven’t even mentally admitted the dogs into this picture, ’cause I don’t care about dogs or how they feel. But like, how do all the animals get along right now?

Michele: I think they’re all good roommates. You know, Harley and Tobias are like really good friends. And Bean’s just doing Bean.

John Hodgman: Sounds like Bean is the kind of cat you might want to put into the back of the Subaru Baja and drive to another house… if you know what I mean.

Michele: I’ve had worse cats, trust me.

John Hodgman: Okay. But you’re not scared off! You want to still maximize the cats.

Michele: I don’t see why not. Hey, what if we got the cats, and we didn’t report it to the city?

Jean Grae: Oh boy, Michele!

Michele: Who’s gonna make us?

John Hodgman: No. I mean, that’s obviously—

Jean Grae: Well, not now. Now it’s too late. Now we’re all here.

John Hodgman: Yeah. I see.

Jean Grae: Now it’s public.

John Hodgman: Yeah. We have a lot of listeners within City Hall at Lincoln, Nebraska. They’ve got your number already.

Jean Grae: Yeah.

John Hodgman: They’re gonna be keeping an eye on you. They’re gonna be sending people out. They might even deputize me to come check and count your animals from time to time. I wouldn’t mind.

(Unclear crosstalk.)

I feel like Nebraska is a good place. I’d love to come count cats in Lincoln, Nebraska. It’d be a good gig. Hire me.

It sounds a little bit like— You know, we talk about these animal/pet portfolios here. Like, you’ve made an investment—

Jean Grae: Can we just do the portmanteau already?!

John Hodgman: (Whispering to Jean.) What’s the portmanteau?

Jean Grae: It’s petfolio! It’s petfolio!

John Hodgman: Petfolio. Thank you. Alright! Yeah. Well, put them together.

Jean Grae: Sorry. It’s stressing me out.

John Hodgman: Yeah. It seems like you’ve added an investment to your petfolio that is not paying off: Bean. And now you want to balance it out by acquiring something new.

[00:35:00]

You’ve got some bad crypto in your wallet, and you want to buy something new and try to balance it out. Is that right? Admit it, Michele. Is that what’s going on? Or is there something else going on, Michele? It says here that when you spoke to our wonderful producer, Jennifer Marmor, you said you wanted another pet that likes you.

Jean Grae: Mmm! Hadn’t thought of that. Hmm!

John Hodgman: What did you mean by that?

Michele: The dogs like me, but they don’t respect me.

(John and Jean hum knowingly.)

And whenever I’m around—like, they’re cool. I can walk them; I can feed him. They listen mostly. When Nate comes home, it’s all about Nate.

John Hodgman: Nate’s got those dogs in his pocket.

Michele: He really does.

John Hodgman: He’s got Harley in his pocket. He’s got Tobias via Harley. Bean’s a pain in the neck that no one likes. Sorry, Bean. Gotta call it as I hear it.

Michele: No, she does like me. She likes to snuggle with me only after my alarm goes off in the morning to try to keep me under her thrall, I think.

John Hodgman: In any case, you want a pet that will just come and cuddle with you! That respects you and loves you. And maybe two of them. You wanna balance this out. That’s why you wanna balance the portfolio!

Michele: Because I also just really like cats. I don’t know!

John Hodgman: You gotta admit, Nate. You got a Kawasaki; you got an Outback; you got a Baja Blast; you got a senior cat who adopted a midlife cat; you got two dogs that love you. And aaall Michele’s got is this dysfunctional one-year-old kitten named Bean. Don’t you think Michele deserves a little bit more on her side of the ledger?

Nate: I do. I will admit, it’s a little out of balance.

John Hodgman: Have you considered fostering a cat?

Michele: We’ve considered fostering a cat, but I don’t think an animal could come into our home that we wouldn’t absorb. Like, it would become on the petfolio.

John Hodgman: I wonder if a pet rescue operation would consider you to be a good candidate for a foster animal, because you already have so many animals. I don’t know. I truly don’t know. Have you investigated that at all?

Nate: I know there’s a couple of places/organizations in town that do offer those kinds of services. And it might depend on the animal, whether it would be a good candidate for an already multi-pet household or not.

John Hodgman: Have you talked to them about it at all? Have you done any research?

Nate: No.

John Hodgman: No. So, it doesn’t seem to me like it’s a realistic consideration for you anyway. ‘Cause—as Michele was saying, Nate—if you foster a cat who needs a home, you’ll probably just end up having that cat. So, it’s the same as just going ahead and adopting a cat.

Michele: Yeah. I could talk about when we brought Bean home.

John Hodgman: Okay, please do.

Michele: I saw her. I love a gray cat. Cobb was a gray cat. I love having a gray cat in my life. And I saw her, and I was like, “You know, I’m just gonna go meet her.” And she was very skittish. She wasn’t really overly friendly, you know, from where she came from and everything like that at the Humane Society. And I was just like, “Well, you know, I dunno. I really like her. Nate, do you wanna meet her?”

And then he came out and he met her. And we were sitting there, and he was quiet for a while, and he looked at me with tears in his eyes, and he was like, “(Pinched.) Let’s get her out of here.”

John Hodgman: Yeah. Well, you’re both a couple of softies. Let’s face it.

Michele: Yeah.

Nate: Yeah.

John Hodgman: Pushovers. Alright, so I think I’ve heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. Unless Jean, you have some more questions before I go into my cat condo here and contemplate my verdict.

Jean Grae: Uh, hm. Not really questions. I kind of understand what the issue is. And I think it’s an issue of time and balance and more of an issue of making things even. I think the issue is Harley here. You know? And I think it’s more of a case of— Listen, I am a cat parent. I am an animal parent. And I feel like you guys can take a darker joke. But I feel like this is more of a case of like tumor or two-more. Like, at the heart of it.

John Hodgman: (Winds up into shocked laughter.) Ohhh, wow! Wow.

Nate: You have to rename the case.

Michele: Yes. There’s a lot of context needed for that one. (Laughs.)

John Hodgman: Whoa! I mean, I’m gonna be leaving now, ’cause it doesn’t get better than “tumor or two more.” I might as well quit my job forever and go be a cat counter in Nebraska from now on.

(They laugh.)

While I’m contemplating my verdict—or you know, next break we get, type in Jean Grae—J-E-A-N G-R-A-E—into your search engine and just buy everything there is.

Jean Grae: Go get it.

John Hodgman: I’ll be right back with my verdict.

Jean Grae: Have at it!

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

(Chairs squeak, followed by heavy footsteps and a door closing.)

Alright. Nate, Michele, how are you guys feeling? How do you think today went?

Michele: I think that today went good. I think that— You know, I respect Harley. He’s been around longer than me. I do want him to live in comfort, and I do want him to be as unbothered as possible.

[00:40:00]

And he does love me. I think Harley loves me.

Jean Grae: Nate, what about the Subaru Baja? And this mini motorcycle? Could we wait? Could we wait on the smaller motorcycle? Could we all just take our time with all the things that we currently have?

Nate: Yeah. We definitely will be waiting on that. Yep.

Jean Grae: Okay. So, we’ll see what the judge has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment.

Transition: Three gavel bangs.

 

Promo:

Music: Bright, jazzy synth.

Jordan Crucchiola: I am Jordan Crucchiola, and I host Feeling Seen. I’m here with Maximum Fun member of the month, Khalil Goodman. Hi, Khalil!

Khalil: Hi, Jordan. Thank you for having me. So great to see you.

Jordan: I gotta know what’s made you feel seen if you— I figure you’ve thought about this if you’ve listened to the show a bunch!

Khalil: I read X-Men when I was six. When you’re a kid who makes art—which I am—and you’re a queer kid, like there’s this feeling of like “something is different,” but you don’t know what it is. You can be different, but it can be a superpower.

Jordan: What would you say to others who might be considering supporting the show? What would be your sales pitch to them?

Khalil: If you love this thing, if you are getting all of this joy and comfort from this thing, make sure that this thing that you like will continue.

Jordan: Yeah. Thank you so much, Khalil, for taking the time to talk to me today! And for listening to the show, oh my god! It means a lot to just know people are really listening and valuing what they’re hearing.

Khalil: Thank you so much.

Speaker: Become a Maximum Fun member now at MaximumFun.org/join.

 

Transition: Three gavel bangs.

John Hodgman: Jean, we’re taking a quick break from the case. What’s going on with you these days? Where can people find your stuff? What are you working on? Tell us all about your schemes and dreams.

Jean Grae: Schemes and dreams! I have a new art collection coming out that’s gonna start trickling out, some new paintings. That will be available in March. But it’s a good time to go over there, kind of get a feel of what things might be like, and then I’m gonna totally surprise you. You’re gonna be like, “This is nothing like that!” And you may be angry, but you’ll love it anyway. So, you can go to JeanGraeArtworks.com at any point to check out any new collections of artworks—

John Hodgman: JeanGraeArtworks.com.

Jean Grae: Mm-hm. JeanGraeArtworks.com. I mean, well-named!

John Hodgman: People know of you as an actor, a storyteller, a comedian, a singer, a writer, an author of the incredible memoir In My Remaining Years by Jean Grae. That’s you! But you’re also an extremely talented mixed media artist! And you can check out jean’s art at JeanGraeArtworks.com.

Jean Grae: Yes. And after that, you can get the— In March—mid-March—I believe it’s coming out the 16th or 17th. But you know, check on it. The paperback version of In My Remaining Years is coming out. So, if you are going on vacation—sure—if you are ready to flee, it is a reeeally good, non-heavy-hardcover book to pack in a carry on or a purse. You can get it in there. Not like the hardcover. It’s not gonna put you over any weight limits. You can definitely take it to a small café where you’re gonna cry and think about everything that’s going on and why you’re so far from your original home! In My Remaining Years comes out. And the audiobook, which is self-narrated by me and also I made the original music for, is not gonna be released. It’s just out! You can get it wherever you get audiobooks.

John Hodgman: Your audiobooks.

Jean Grae: Go do that. Go listen to it.

John Hodgman: In My Remaining Years is so smart, so funny, so fascinating, so wise. I just love that book so much. It is about your life. But it is also about everything you’ve learned in, truly, one of the most amazing lives ever lived—so far!

Jean Grae: So far! So far.

John Hodgman: Yeah. And as Jean says—

Jean Grae: If I went back, I would call it something else.

John Hodgman: Yeah. If you’re gonna be getting on a plane for fun or self-preservation, this is the book to take with you.

Jean Grae: (Laughs dryly.) This is it.

John Hodgman: Jean, Jesse and I are gonna be performing some fun shows coming up. We’ve got our special after dark Night Court shows, coming up at the Bell House there in Gowanus, Brooklyn.

(Jean “ooh”s.)

Going home to the Bell House March 6th and 7th. That’s a Friday night and a Saturday night. Two big weekend shows with just me and Jesse. We’re gonna be having a lot of fun exploring some new, maybe some ribald content after dark.

Jean Grae: (Softly.) Nooo.

John Hodgman: It’s gonna be a Judge John Hodgman show like none you’ve ever seen before. And it’ll be better if you’re there! So, please go to MaximumFun.org/events to get your tickets for that. And in June, Jesse and I are taking to the seas! It’s maritime law aboard the Grace Bailey.

Jean Grae: Oh, wow!

John Hodgman: The Grace Bailey is a 100-year-old historic wooden schooner that plies the Penobscot Bay in Maine. One of its owners—one of its three owners is the wonderful actor and improviser Mark Evan Jackson—

[00:45:00]

—our dear friend. Along with Captain Sam Sikkema and Susanna. Those three brought the Grace Bailey back to life, full renovation into a beauteous little boat that I have traveled on before. And I loved it so much, I wanted to go back. Jesse and I will be hanging out with you, if you choose to join us, each and every day and evening, eating a hardtack in the morning! I don’t think they actually have a hardtack.

(Jean laughs.)

The breakfasts are wonderful. The breakfasts are wonderful. All the food is fantastic; all the companionship is tremendous. And at night, I’ll be doing some readings from Vacationland. Jesse and I will be judging any disputes you might have at sea. But mainly, it’ll just be a really wonderful, weird hang as we pass through some of the most beauteous landscapes available. Those painful beaches of Maine and those hurtful waters shall be kept away from you by the wonderful Grace Bailey. The Grace Bailey is a beautiful ship, and you should join us on it in June—June 14th through 18. Join us by going to Bit.ly/MaritimeJustice. That’s Bit.ly/MaritimeJustice. That’ll take you right to the website SailGraceBailey.com.

Jean Grae: Very cool.

John Hodgman: Let’s get back to the case.

Transition: Three gavel bangs.

Jean Grae: Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reentries the courtroom and presents his verdict.

(Chairs squeak, followed by heavy footsteps and a door closing.)

John Hodgman: So, normally I would come rolling back in here with my big old gavel, but that gavel has passed. And that was a challenging thing. I mean, things are things, right? They’re not humans; they’re not cats; they’re things. But it’s still something to think about, just the same way that I think about my old, new Dick Cavett Show mug, (ceramic tinkling) as I rattle the bones of its handle that broke. I took this from the set of Bored to Death in the year 2010, I believe it was. (Ceramic tinkling.) That’s the sound of my bones rattling as I also hurdle towards death, along with Harley.

Time moves in one direction. We lose things, and we lose people, and we lose companions—to death and just growing apart and so forth. But in this case, we’re talking about death—the imminent death of Harley the cat. Because, Michele, you mentioned that Harley is ageless, and Harley is not ageless. Harley is aging. And I think about this a lot because I am a cat person. We have a cat that I’ve mentioned before, both on Get Your Pets and here—Lola, the dumb-dumb cat. She is— I mentioned that most boy cats are dummies. She is the rare girl cat dummy. She’s a true dumb-dumb. Love her very much, but she is quite elderly at this point and really beginning to show her age. And while it is not something that my wife, who is a whole human being in her own right, and I talk about—the end-of-life plans for Lola, the dumb-dumb cat—it is definitely on both of our minds.

And we don’t talk about it because we don’t— I mean, I’m not a superstitious person. But you know, we take really good care of her. We follow the veterinarian’s advice. She is also still a baby in our hearts. And because we are feeding her kitten food, because she needs all the calories she can get.

(Michele chuckles.)

And this one really hit home to me, because our daughter recently—about a year ago—adopted a kitten named Juno. And I had this fantasy. We kept Juno with us between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, because our daughter lives across the country. So, she brought Juno with her for Thanksgiving and left her in our care between the holidays as she went back to San Francisco, where she lives. And I was so excited for our cat to have a little sibling. They had met before, and there was some hissing, but there was tolerance. And I was convinced that eventually Lola, the dumb-dumb cat, would become the dotting mother or father the way Harley became the dotting mother or father to Tobias. That was my fantasy. That was my fantasy.

And they did end up cuddling together two times. I have photos of both occasions. In both occasions, Juno sat on top of Lola, and Lola was too exhausted to get rid of her. She did not like it. She does not like that other cat. And I am going to go on record that I do think that the disruption in Lola’s life absolutely caused her to overgroom herself to the point that she now has almost bald patches.

[00:50:00]

And probably as hastened her demise. Sorry, Juno! Sorry, everybody. It’s just what I’ve observed. I mean, she’s old. She’s old. And I think now that— You know, there was a time when Lola was not quite as old, just a couple of years ago, that we were fantasizing about getting not only a new cat, but a pair of bonded cats in order to forestall—right?—the horrible feeling of loss we would have when Lola eventually passes on. Dies. And then we would already have these backup cats in the chamber, you know, ready to go that we could pour our emotion into. But we didn’t do that.

And probably that was for the best, because now that— I mean, I don’t know how long Lola is gonna live, but now that Lola’s mortality is a little bit more present with us, we know that we are going to need—that she needs our full attention, and that we are gonna need some grieving after the fact before we’re ready to bring, more cats in, to go search the end of our driveway for mystery cats that will arrive the way they do in Nebraska, apparently. So, obviously you see where I’m going with this.

Harley has had a good, long life and has adapted to a lot in that life and has traveled far both with you, Nate, and now with both of you, Nate and Michele. And now with all of you, Nate and Michele and Garfunkel and Oats and formerly Cobb and Tobias and even the dreaded Bean. And I think that Harley deserves—if, indeed, Nate is correct that Harley only has maybe another year on this planet—uhh, (chuckles) some peace and quiet and to not have to adapt to anything else.

I think it was ingenious of you, Michele, to attempt to leverage the acquisition of the Subaru Baja into the early acquisition of some extra cats. It surely is a circuit of delights that Nate gets to enjoy, among his many vehicles and also all these animals that love him and not you. It’s not fair. The scales must be balanced. And they will be. Soon. But now I don’t think is quite the time. And by the way, you mentioned, “Well, I have to stare at a Baja every day.” May I remind you; you were the one who noticed the Baja in the first place? You are the one who suggested it. That’s on you, I’m afraid.

But I think it’s the case that Harley should deserve some sameness in his routine in life, as you make him comfortable in what probably it does seem to be the last year or so of his life. And I’m gonna miss that guy even though I never met him. And I don’t care for Bean. Sorry. But that’s okay. Not all cats are good. No, Bean seems pretty good too, I suppose. But I order that when— You know, that you more than just let Harley die in peace but also—you know, you take some time to acknowledge the things that are being lost. That time moves in one direction, that you don’t rush through mourning and grief, that you take some time to really absorb it.

And then when you’ve processed that loss to a degree, you get—I guess—three more cats. Because that will bring you up to the limit. If you don’t want three more cats— I mean, what I really hope happens in the magic of Lincoln, Nebraska is that, sometime after Harley has passed and you’ve gone through the sadness, and you’ve woken up— And one morning you wake up, and you’re like, “You know what? I miss him a lot, but I think it’s gonna be okay,” that you hear outside your house, the revving of an engine. (Mimics the revving.) And guess what? It’s a little dirt bike. A little dirt bike—a little, pocket dirt bike that’ll fit in the back of your Baja. And guess who’s driving it? (More revving.) Brat and Baja, the kitten twins. That’s the way it should happen!

(They laugh.)

I’m gonna use this magical Dick Cavett mug to shake the bones of it (ceramic tinkling) and try to summon that into being.

[00:55:00]

But if not that, then you can get up to three cats after a suitable period of morning after Harley has passed, and then you can get rid of one of those motorcycles too.

This is the sound of a Dick Cavett mug. (A single, clattering thump.) Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all.

Jean Grae: Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

(Chairs squeak, followed by heavy footsteps and a door closing.)

Michele, Nate, how do you feel about the decision?

Nate: I feel good. I feel like once the time is right, we’ll pack the bed of that Baja up with cats and bring ’em home.

Michele: It’s on the record.

Jean Grae: I think it was lovely. I believe in you both. I’m ready to see the twins, and I love that the judge brought up the saying that eeeverybody knows, Michele. “If you see a Baja, don’t tell anyone unless you want it in your driveway.” And I think we all know that’s an old Nebraska saying.

(Michele laughs and Nate agrees.)

Best of luck to both of you and all the loves in your home.

Michele: Thank you so much.

Nate: Thank you.

Transition: Three gavel bangs.

Jean Grae: Another case in the books! Before we dispense some Swift Justice, we want to thank u/Dinosaur1972 for naming this week’s episode “Not in My Fur-isdiction”. Join the conversation over at the Maximum Fun subreddit, over at Reddit.com/r/MaximumFun. We’ll be asking for title suggestions there too, so keep an eye out for those.

Evidence and photos from the show are posted on our Instagram account at Instagram.com/judgejohnhodgman, as they should be. We are also on TikTok and YouTube at @JudgeJohnHodgmanPod. Follow and subscribe to see our episodes and video-only content.

John Hodgman: Speaking of video only-content, we have our YouTube comment of the week! Every week we post full episodes—video episodes, my face and Jesse’s! And in this case Jeans, as well as our litigants—over there at our YouTube channel, @JudgeJohnHodgmanPod. And we always have a video—(correcting himself) excuse me, a YouTube comment of the week.

This week, it comes from user, One More Animal and It’s a Zoo. They say—this is on a YouTube short that I ruled that Christmas underwear should only be worn during the holiday season. And One More Animal and It’s a Zoo says, quote, “Stupid advice. There’s nothing wrong with wearing Christmas underwear. No one sees it.” Unquote.

(Jean chuckles.)

(Combatively.) Yeah. Maybe no one sees your underwear.

Jean Grae: That’s a you thing.

John Hodgman: Maybe the problem is that you’re wearing Santa under-roos in July. Well, Christmas in July is a thing. But if you get to August, take ’em off if you wanna hug and kiss somebody. Plus, this user also admitted to wearing a St. Patrick’s Day t-shirt at the end of January. So, why should we listen to you?! I don’t know. But I still give you YouTube comment of the week, and I hope that you all will go over there and leave a comment. And while you’re over there, please subscribe. When I say subscribe, it doesn’t cost you anything. Just click that subscribe button. It really helps new users find the show.

Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorn and John Hodgman. This episode was engineered by Philip Zach at the Grid Studio in Lincoln, Nebraska. Megan Rosati runs our social media. The podcast is edited by AJ McKeon. Our video editor is Daniel Speer. Our producer is Jennifer Marmor. And once again, our guest bailiff for this week, the wonderful Jean Grae. Thank you, Jean!

Jean Grae: Thank you! (With a strong Boston accent.) Nobody’s seeing my underwear at all! No, thank you!

(Returning to her usual voice.) Now, let’s get to Swift Justice, where we answer your small disputes with a quick judgment. u/Adam_Lion on the MaxFun subreddit says, “(With a southern belle twang.) My sister puts away the ice cream scoop in the drawer with spatulas and other miscellaneous items. I like to put the ice cream scoop away in the knife drawer, because it fits better in there. Who’s right?”

John Hodgman: Mmmm… I usually have two drawers. One for items that you use to manipulate food in a pan. Like a spatch. A spatula. And the other drawer is usually for food prep items, like a cheese grater or a can opener. And I do put— I put the, uh— I don’t like having the ice cream scoop in the spatula drawer. I usually put it in that drawer. But if you have a knife—if you have to choose between a knife drawer and a spatula drawer… I don’t like either of these options.

Jean Grae: No, this is in a like extra corkscrew territory, you know? Like, my bigger corkscrew that I can kind of like smash around? Utility. Utility interaction with food tools. With food and drink tools.

John Hodgman: Yeah. That’s where I would put it. But absent a third drawer, if I have to choose between knife and spatch… I guess I’ll go with knife if it fits better in there.

(Jean Grae sighs with dissatisfaction.)

Here’s an honest question. Why not two scoops?

[01:00:00]

Jean Grae: Oh.

John Hodgman: An ice cream scoop in every drawer!

Jean Grae: You mean like five?

John Hodgman: You need five scoops.

Jean Grae: Five scoops.

John Hodgman: Get five scoops. That’s my answer.

Jean Grae: Five scoops.

John Hodgman: Jean, have you been watching the TV show, The Traitors?

Jean Grae: I haven’t. I’ve been saving it up. I’ve been saving it up.

John Hodgman: Yeah. Save it up. This season in particular. You don’t wanna be left waiting week by week like me. Like a bum like me. Save it up.

We recently had a Survivor contestant—a two-time Survivor contestant, Francesca Hogi—on our show. And someone from Traitors… is coming to the show soon.

Jean Grae: OH! Really? Reeeally?!

John Hodgman: Just gonna say someone from Traitors.

Jean Grae: This is a big deal.

John Hodgman: And in general, I would love to hear some more disputes about reality shows—whether it’s Traitors, or whether it’s Survivor, or whether it’s Below Deck or whatever you’re watching—loving, hating to watch, loving to watch. Whatever it is. Let us know. Are you team Candace or team Rob R? Will the original New York Housewives moved from Bravo to (unclear)? Or should they have stayed on pause? Are competition shows the best kind of reality tv? Or is it just slice of lifers, like them Vanderpump Rules? Give us all of your hot takes on unscripted television at MaximumFun.org/jjho.

And indeed, we wanna hear all of your disputes about any topics. Send them all in, big or small. We rules on them all. MaximumFun.org/jjho. That’s the show! We’ll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Transition: Three gavel bangs.

Transition: Cheerful ukulele chord.

Speaker 1: Maximum Fun.

Speaker 2: A worker-owned network.

Speaker 3: Of artist owned shows.

Speaker 4: Supported—

Speaker 5: —directly—

Speaker 6: —by you!

Jean Grae: (Singing to her cat.) Why isn’t anyone looking at me? Why isn’t anyone playing with me? Why isn’t anyone feeding me? It’s Littlesss! Bum-ba-dum-bum!

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