TRANSCRIPT Judge John Hodgman Ep. 710: Gulpable Negligence

[00:00:00]

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Jesse Thorn: Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I’m Bailiff Jesse Thorn. This week, “Gulpable Negligence”. Alana brings the case against her boyfriend, Carson. Carson has a stash of reusable water bottles next to his bed. Each of them has water inside, but Carson isn’t drinking that water. Alana wants the old water to go, but Carson says it’s still drinkable; he’ll drink it eventually! Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise. As Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

(Chairs squeak, followed by heavy footsteps and a door closing.)

John Hodgman: “Visionary, genius, inventor, peacemaker, searcher, Texan, oil man, art collector, engineer, cryptozoologist, and podcaster. Judge John Hodgman was given many labels during his short, event-filled life. But today, hardly anyone remembers this amazing individual, and that’s a shame.”

Bailiff Jesse Thorn, please swear the litigants in.

Jesse Thorn: Alana, Carson, please rise and raise your right hands.

(Chairs squeak.)

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God-or-Whatever?

(They swear.)

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman’s ruling, despite the fact that he will only drink standing water if it is made safe by the inclusion of gin?

(They swear.)

John Hodgman: It’s the only way we can be sure. Nuke it from orbit.

(They chuckle.)

That’s what I call it. That’s what I call that particular drink. Thank you. Alana Carson, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors.

(Chairs squeak.)

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I paraphrased—mostly quoted, except for a couple of words? I’ll give you a hint. It’s from a book. If either of you can name it, you win the case automatically. So, Alana, why don’t you guess first?

Alana: Well, sadly my prepared guess was “Come Clean” by Hillary Duff. So. I was thinking along the lines of hygiene and cleanliness.

(John affirms.)

I don’t know what book this could be.

John Hodgman: Okay. Well, it’s a good guess. I like the hygiene guess. I was not going for the hygiene angle. I’m going to give you a hint, so you can make another guess if you wish.

Jesse Thorn: It’s a different Hillary Duff song.

(They laugh.)

John Hodgman: It’s not a song, and it’s not about the hygiene angle. It’s about the insulated tumbler angle. Now, Judge John Hodgman is not sponsored by this product, but there is a product that I like very much. I’ll just say it, and maybe they should sponsor the product. And it’s a brand of insulated tumblers and coolers that take their name after a famous undiscovered animal, shall we say. An object of cryptozoological study.

Alana: Well, I happen to have a receptacle from this very place that you’re describing, so I’m gonna guess that it was a book about the Yeti of some kind of book about Yetis?

John Hodgman: Well, that’s a terrific second guess, and I’m gonna write that down. You’re much more in the Yeti ballpark. Jesse Thorn, did you know that if you build a ballpark, Yeti will come?

Jesse Thorn: Oh, no! (Laughing.) I had no idea. Is that the plot of Field of Dreams 2?

John Hodgman: Yeah, that’s exactly right. I mean, if they wanted to make money. Sure.

Alright, Carson, it comes down to you. What’s your guess?

Carson: What is the guy’s name in that Christmas animated—?

Alana: The Abominable Snowman.

Carson: Yeah, but there’s the Yukon—Yukon…?

John Hodgman: Yukon Cornelius?

Carson: (Laughing.) Cornelius. It’s definitely a book by Yukon Cornelius.

John Hodgman: I don’t know that Yukon Cornelius was a Yeti hunter.

Carson: Eh.

John Hodgman: Here’s a question that might spark an idea. What is the one International Museum of Cryptozoology that we mention on this podcast the most?

Jesse Thorn: Is it the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York?

John Hodgman: (Laughs.) That’s absolutely right, Jesse Thorn! It’s the Yeti Pavilion at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York. And also! By the way, all guesses are wrong. The International Museum of Cryptozoology in Portland, Maine, which we’ve mentioned from time to time, because it is founded and curated by friend of the show Lauren Coleman—who is also a noted, cryptozoological expert and author. He is the first describer and namer of the Dover Demon of Dover, New—? Delaware. I’ll say Delaware, maybe New Jersey. Sorry, Lauren. But also, the author of, not one, but two books of maybe the most famous—or at least the most amazingly named—Yeti hunter in 20th century history: Tom Slick.

Tom Slick was the son of an oil wildcatter in Texas, who took all his money and—among other things—funded multiple expeditions to the Himalaya to search for the Yeti between 1956 and 1959.

[00:05:00]

Also did a lot of Sasquatch expeditions before his mysterious death in a plane accident in 1962. Tom Slick was maybe infamous for being part of an unallowed chain of custody, which is to say they stole a Yeti hand from a monastery.

(They cackle with surprise.)

And smuggled it out of the country, so it could be studied and shown to be a Yeti hand. One of the other people who helped in the smuggling operation, confirmed upon his deathbed, was the actor Jimmy Stewart.

(More shocked, delighted laughter.)

It was a wonderful life for him. I think that they determined that the so-called Yeti hand was actually a human hand. But you know, if you’re a cryptozoologist and you’d like to say I’m wrong, please let me know. Lauren Coleman, send me a letter.

Anyway, Tom Slick. That quote was from the introduction to Lauren Coleman’s Tom Slick: True Life Encounters in Cryptozoology from the year 2002, the follow-up to his 1989 definitive biography, Tom Slick and the Search for the Yeti. Check them out, and go and visit the International Museum of Cryptozoology in Portland, Maine while you’re at it! Online or in person.

Jesse Thorn: John, I’m getting a message here from our postmaster. She says that there’s no room in the mailbox for a letter from Lauren Coleman, because it’s full of letters that say, “Dover is in Massachusetts.”

John Hodgman: Oh no. (Chuckles.) Well, wait a minute. Where’s the Dover Demon? Since we’re on it—since I’m on this particular—

Jesse Thorn: Dover, Massachusetts! I just looked it up!

John Hodgman: You looked it up? Wow.

Jesse Thorn: I didn’t—wait, sorry. I didn’t look it up. I got a lot of letters that filled the mailbox. Sorry.

John Hodgman: That’s right. The Dover Demon is a creature reportedly cited on April 21st or 22nd, 1977 in Dover, Mass—a town about 15 miles southwest of downtown Boston, in my home Commonwealth of Massachusetts. So, shame on me.

In the meantime, I forgot that you were there. Alana, Carson, let’s hear your case. This case involves insulated tumblers for water. And indeed, that is the subject of your case as well. Alana, how long have you and this fellow been dating?

Alana: We have been dating for almost exactly one year at this point.

(John “wow”s.)

We’re almost right at the exact day, just a couple days away from it, where we began dating last year.

John Hodgman: Happy anniversary. I’m going—it’s the paper anniversary is the first anniversary, so I’m gonna send you a copy of Tom Slick and the Search for the Yeti. Print copy.

(Alana thanks him.)

And do you and he live together?

Alana: We technically do not. We both have our own apartments. However, we spend probably about 95% of our time at my apartment, and then occasionally we’ll go to Carson’s apartment.

John Hodgman: Which is outside of New York City.

Alana: Yes, it’s in a suburb. It’s in a small town outside of New York City.

John Hodgman: Okay. And this person that you’re dating who spends so much time with you, will you remind me of his name?

Alana: His name is Carson.

John Hodgman: Carson, you say? Carson. Carson and not Johnny Umami?

Carson: Ha-ha! No, but I am insisting that people do call me that.

John Hodgman: Yeah, I’m sorry. Alana, your boyfriend is named Johnny Umami, isn’t it?

Alana: Well, I know he’s certainly not named Candy Boy, because that is no longer permissible.

(Jesse laughs.)

Carson: It is not allowed.

John Hodgman: Carson, do you want to explain to the listeners, and I think a very perplexed bailiff, what we’re talking about?

Carson: Yes. Well, after we saw Road Court on September 11^th, here at the City Winery in New York City, Alana—

John Hodgman: Thank you for attending.

Carson: Oh, it was a wonderful show. We enjoyed it very much. We still have our red-styled wine that we’re excited to drink. But—

Jesse Thorn: Thank you for not forgetting that date as well.

(They chuckle.)

John Hodgman: I was going to, but I chickened out.

Carson: Yeah. Anyway, very shortly after seeing the show, Alana was moved to submit this case. And—

John Hodgman: You submitted a case to me in the New York Times Magazine.

Carson: I did. Shortly—sort of in response to this, she had let me know that she was sending in a case for about the water bottles. And sort of in retaliation, I submitted a case as well, for the New York Times.

John Hodgman: And I did not, to be fair, spend much time considering Alana’s water bottle complaint until today. Because your countersuit caught my attention. Because—what was it about, Carson? AKA Johnny Umami.

[00:10:00]

Carson: Yes, I was being called Candy Boy, and it was insisted that I was very much a fan of eating candy and sweets.

John Hodgman: You know what I’m not a fan of? The passive voice. Just say it.

(Alana laughs.)

Alana called me Candy Boy.

Carson: (Laughing.) Alana called me Candy Boy.

Jesse Thorn: Yeah, you just got Clippy’d!

Carson: (Laughs.) I did. I did.

Jesse Thorn: Grammar check, baby!

Carson: I did. I did. Alana called me Candy Boy.

Jesse Thorn: “This may be in the passive voice!”

(They laugh.)

John Hodgman: Alana, did you or did you not nickname your beloved Carson Candy Boy?

Alana: I referred to him on multiple occasions, usually after he was buying candy, as Candy Boy. I don’t know that I made it an official nickname. But it clearly bothered him, because I called him Candy Boy multiple times.

John Hodgman: Can you use it in a sentence? Never mind. I’ll do it. What are you doing over there? Buying more Candy, Candy Boy? Is it that kind of vibe?

Alana: Yeah, I would say that’s almost a direct quote.

(They laugh.)

John Hodgman: And Jesse, so— Jesse, Carson wrote in saying, “I don’t want to be called Candy Boy, because I don’t even like candy that much. I would rather be called Savory Boy.”

Carson: Yeah.

John Hodgman: I said, “While I share Carson’s distaste for candy and love of savory, and I think that you should not be called something if you— If your loved one has created a nickname that you don’t like, you have the right to veto it. But it is the height of pretension to choose your own nickname.” So, I chose a new nickname for him, what I wish everyone would call me: Johnny Umami.

(Jesse cackles.)

But I can’t choose it for myself, so I gave it to Carson. I was hoping that it was in some use. But Carson, are you called Johnny Umami at home or abroad, or no?

Carson: Not as much as I would like to. But to be fair, you know, I haven’t—I can’t really insist upon it even though it’s been given to me by you. But you know, I wouldn’t mind.

John Hodgman: Alana, why don’t you call him Johnny Umami like I ordered in the newspaper?

Alana: (Chuckles.) I guess I interpreted the order as more of a cease of the Candy Boy and not an ordering of using Johnny Umami. But I do like to follow the rules, so I will.

John Hodgman: I encourage you to read the column again.

Alana: I will reconsider.

John Hodgman: It is 185 words long.

(They chuckle.)

You can do it.

Alright, Alana, you’re already in contempt of court, and now you have a problem with Johnny Umami drinking water at your house? Why don’t you want him to be hydrated?

Alana: I do very much want him to be hydrated. My issue, however, is that the water that is in these three water bottles has been there since before the summer.

John Hodgman: Whoa.

Alana: I have not myself opened the water bottles, but I did offer that, because they bother me, I would be happy to use the water for the plants. And my issue is that Carson has said that he will still drink the water, and that he doesn’t want to get rid of it.

John Hodgman: So, you sent in photos, which are available on all of our social media as well as on our show page, at MaximumFun.org. Jesse Thorn, are you looking at these photos? Alright, draw your attention to Exhibit A, quote/unquote, “the collection”.

Jesse Thorn: This is a picture of a bed frame—the edge of a mattress and the edge of a bed frame—that is, I would guesstimate, four to five inches from a small wall. The wall continues parallel to the bed frame for about a foot, 18 inches maybe. And jammed into this little 5inch x 18inch space, sitting on what appears to be the floor, are four water bottles all in what I would call a commando style.

John Hodgman: Why? They’re not wearing underpants?

Jesse Thorn: (Chuckles.) No, because they look like they’re ready for action.

John Hodgman: Oh, okay.

Jesse Thorn: They all appear to be tactical in nature.

John Hodgman: Yeah. In Exhibit A, we have—it looks like 1, 2, 3—4 insulated water thermoses shoved between the bed and the bedside table all in a row.

Jesse Thorn: Ohhh! I see. This is a dresser. This is not a wall. This is a dresser. So, rather than place them on this dresser, they’ve been shoved between the dresser and the bed.

John Hodgman: Right. And one of the things that was not mentioned in the affidavit is that these are four different styles of water thermos. They’re not all the same kind.

Jesse Thorn: All of them look like they could have been purchased at the Army/Navy Store.

John Hodgman: Yeah. Why—? And this is in your home, Johnny Umami? Or Alana’s Home?

Carson: It’s in Alana’s home.

John Hodgman: This is an Alana’s home.

Carson: (Softly.) Yes.

John Hodgman: You’ve—the water has piled up in thermoses.

[00:15:00]

Carson: Yes. But as a point of clarification, the top-most water bottle is actually a little foam roller that lives near the water bottles.

John Hodgman: Ohhh, okay. I was wondering what that was. ‘Cause there is—what I thought was a water bottle looked like a little stack of miniature tires. But that’s a foam roller.

(Carson laughs and confirms.)

Jesse Thorn: Is that friends with the water bottles?

Carson: It’s friends. They’re very friendly. At this point, I’d say they’re pretty closely acquainted. (Chuckles.)

John Hodgman: It does look like you could pour some water into that foam roller though. It has an open top.

Carson: Yes. Actually, one of them fits perfectly inside of it.

John Hodgman: You ever give that a try for fun?

Oh, okay. But you choose not to store that one perfectly inside it, but instead line them up.

Carson: (Laughs.) Yes, commando style.

John Hodgman: Wedged in between the bed and the dresser. And (sighs) Alana mentioned that the last time you had a drink from one of these water bottles was from before summer. Is that true?

Carson: Uhh, memory is a fickle thing, but it was either—I would say in the summer, June/July.

John Hodgman: Let’s say July at the latest. Will you agree that we are now recording this on Valentine’s Day, February 14th, 2025?

Carson: I agree to that.

John Hodgman: So, six and a half months ago, at the most recent, was when you had a little sip of water?

Carson: Yes.

John Hodgman: And you are leaving these thermoses behind because you love Alana, and it’s sort of like you’re Valentine to her.

Carson: Yes. (Chuckles.) She can remember. It’s clear she thinks about it, and in a way she thinks about me.

John Hodgman: One of these bottles you have brought to the studio. Is that correct?

Carson: It is true. Yes.

John Hodgman: Which of these bottles have you brought?

Carson: The largest and most pronounced of the bottles.

John Hodgman: Let us see the largest and most pronounced of the bottles, those of you who are watching on our YouTube channel, @JudgeJohnHodgmanPod on YouTube. Johnny Umami, you got a big bottle!

Carson: It’s a very large bottle. Yes.

John Hodgman: How many ounces does that have?

Carson: A 64-ouncer.

John Hodgman: (Whistles.) And does it have water in it right now?

Carson: It has water in it right now.

John Hodgman: Does it have July 2024 water in it right now?

Carson: It’s the best year for water.

John Hodgman: Okay. Set that aside for a moment.

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

John Hodgman: Carson, Johnny Umami, Bottle Boy—whatever your name is. What’s up with these water bottles? Why do you shove them in there and leave them behind?

Carson: It’s a great question. For me, they are about having water on hand, especially in the summer. I come from Arizona.

John Hodgman: (Sarcastically.) Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize you wanted water. Okay, got it. Never mind.

Carson: (Laughs.) Right.

John Hodgman: Okay. You come from Arizona.

Carson: I come from Arizona, and I think, you know, water is on my mind. I like being hydrated. I like drinking a lot of water. I think definitely in the summer months when it’s hot, I’m drinking a lot of water. And having access to it, of course, next to your bed.

John Hodgman: Yeah. Wait, you have water bottles next to my bed too?

(Jesse chortles.)

Carson: Yes, if you just take a look.

I mean, they’re ready to be drunk at any time. I mean—

John Hodgman: But just not since July.

Carson: Just not since July. It’s more summer water, to be honest.

John Hodgman: And why does this bother you, Alana?

Alana: Well, it bothers me most, because I continue to not see them being consumed. And I see a lot of other water and seltzer, all kinds of liquids being consumed and Carson staying hydrated. Yet the water that is in these three receptacles is just sitting there, and it honestly makes me feel a little gross.

John Hodgman: Go on.

Alana: I don’t know what it would smell like to smell six-month-old water, but I don’t imagine it smells great in there. And it kind of grosses me out to think about this water just kind of remaining stagnant next to my bed for so long. And I don’t really see an end in sight.

John Hodgman: It’s not merely that Bottle Boy is untidy.

Alana: No.

John Hodgman: And it’s not merely that he’s a hypocrite who’s cheating on his three thermoses by drinking seltzer and other water throughout the day, but also that it’s gross for you to imagine the still and fetid water in these bottles sitting by the side of your bed. Oh, and it’s his side, I presume.

[00:20:00]

Right?

Carson: Yeah. It’s the side I sleep on.

John Hodgman: And you use them for another purpose too, right? Something involving pillows.

Carson: Yes. (Laughs.) Yes. I can already feel Alana’s kind of refuting this claim. But when it’s time to go to bed, and you take the decorative pillow off of the bed, it slots perfectly into that nice, little space between the bed and the dresser, where it rests upon the water bottles and a part of the bed frame, as well.

So, in a sense, it becomes kind of an entire nightstand, since the dresser itself is, you know, a couple feet above the bed, the mattress. So, it’s a little more accessible area.

John Hodgman: Jesse, do you mind scrolling down to Exhibit C?

Jesse Thorn: Okay, I am gonna take a look at Exhibit C in the evidence here.

John Hodgman: C as in Charlotte.

Jesse Thorn: (Chuckling.) Aw, look at these nice dogs. They’re defending that pillow! (Laughs.)

John Hodgman: This just seems like a cheap excuse to get your dogs in the picture.

Carson: Yes. And there is some important information that we get here, I’d say.

John Hodgman: Tell me what the—tell me who these dogs are, and tell me what the important information is.

Carson: Okay, on the left, the cutie little black dog, that is Eli. He’s a sweetie. That’s Alana’s dog. And on the right is my dog, Gilly. She’s a very sweet girl.

John Hodgman: Do they have any disputes that I need to solve?

Carson: Yes, they do actually.

(Alana laughs.)

John Hodgman: What? Throw these— Here’s what’s gonna happen. Throw the water bottles away.

(They chuckle.)

Alright? We’ll just rule on that. Now let’s get to the dog case, ’cause that’s what anyone’s interested in.

Carson: Yeah, they could use your mediation on something, but we can save that.

John Hodgman: No! I’m asking you to hear about it right now.

Carson: Oh, right now. Okay. So, when they go to eat—(laughs) this is new.

Alana: This is real.

Carson: This is real. Eli, we put the— “Here’s your scoop of food.” Okay? And then I put the bowls down together, and they eat, and it’s been fine. And the last like week and a half, Eli has been eating and stopping and kind of looking to Gilly, who—if Gilly just looks over with any interest whatsoever, he whimpers, and he walks away from his food bowl.

(They laugh.)

John Hodgman: What’s going on, do you think? Alana, do you have any insight?

Alana: I have a little bit of insight. I think he’s a bit of a resource guarder, and he also— (Realizing in real-time.) Which actually makes me think about the water bottles, ironically!

(Carson laughs.)

No, but he does have some like interesting quirks and insecurities around food or treats, and if he senses that another dog is more…

John Hodgman: Eli is afraid that Gilly’s going to munch his food.

(Alana confirms.)

Carson: She would, too. And to be fair—and she probably has snuck a bite or two. But.

John Hodgman: Are you afraid that Alana is going to drink your water, Bottle Boy? So, you have to hide it away? Hide it under a pillow?

Carson: Well, yeah. And well, especially now, finding out that you’ve been not just putting new water into my cup.

John Hodgman: Wait, what? What are you accusing her of? Of refilling your water bottles against your will?

Carson: No. Well, the water bottle in the second—in Exhibit B, on top, the one I have been drinking from—thank you for filling that water up. But I didn’t know you were replacing any leftover water that was in there.

Alana: I mean, my feeling is you want a clean slate when you get some water.

John Hodgman: Wait a minute. Do I understand this correctly? Carson, you’re saying thank you, begrudgingly, to your partner—who is letting you stay over in her home. She has given you fresh ice water, and you guess you’re grateful. Secretly, you’re a little mad that she dumped out the old water first?

Carson: Uh, (laughs) I think it—I’m not mad, but I would drink it.

John Hodgman: Why would we ever believe that you would drink everything? ‘Cause you’ve left all of your floor water unsupped for half a year!

Carson: The floor water—I have not yet drank that water. Yeah.

John Hodgman: Why not? Why don’t you just drink it finally?

Carson: Umm… oh, golly.

(Jesse cackles uncontrollably.)

John Hodgman: That’s one of the most expertly deployed “oh, golly”s in the history of this podcast.

(Jesse’s still losing it.)

I may just have to rule in Bottle Boy’s favor. Oh, golly!

Carson: I—I… ’cause it’s—I guess ’cause it’s on the floor. I mean, part of—okay. If I’m thinking about this—right?—and I’m—

John Hodgman: Okay. Yeah. I’m glad you’re starting to think about this.

(They laugh.)

Carson: Well, it’s been six and a half months, I think it might as well be now, yeah.

[00:25:00]

John Hodgman: Now it’s six and a half months and 35 minutes into the podcast.

Carson: Right. But you know, it is on the floor. The bottle is heavy, perhaps, and it’s not as readily accessible as a straw in a cup. Maybe. I’m trying to—I’m trying to figure out why.

I mean, partially there really is a piece of me that’s like, “This would be wasteful of this water.” There’s like something deep inside that is very difficult about like wasting the water.

John Hodgman: There also might be something deep inside that is mold growing inside of the big yellow there.

Carson: But if I don’t open it, you won’t know if it is. It’s a bit of a Schrodinger’s water situation. It could be fine!

John Hodgman: If there’s one thing that I find particularly calming as I’m trying to fall asleep, it’s knowing that at the side of my bed on the floor is a box that either has a dead cat or a live cat in it.

(Carson coughs a laugh.)

So, Alana, you’ve heard this argument that Carson—AKA Bottle Boy, AKA Johnny Umami—that he finds the idea of, quote/unquote, wasting water to be so… Uh, is there an adjectival form of anathema? Anthemic? Who knows?

(Jesse agrees.)

Anathemic? So disturbing that he must not do it. W-w-what is your response to that?

Alana: Well, my response is that I don’t think we have to throw away the water. I think we could put it to use without drinking it. I think giving it to the plants would be a possible way to feel good about using the water, but it’s—

John Hodgman: You have house plants?

Alana: We have many house plants between our two apartments, and—

John Hodgman: That’s a wonderful solution! What do you think about that, Bottle Boy?

Carson: (Laughs.) I think that could be a fair solution.

John Hodgman: Is this the first time it’s ever come up?

Carson: It was not presented as an option initially. I think the focus was more about, “What about this water, huh? In these bottles?” But I think it is—I think it’s a more recent…

John Hodgman: Alana? Is that an accurate impersonation of you? (in a New York Italian accent) “What about this water, huh?”

(They laugh.)

Alana: I’ll let it slide. I mean, I think— I will say probably the main thing that I say about the water bottles to Carson is about him not drinking them. Which at this point, I think I would be actually more worried for his health if I continued to push him to drink them. But I think I think it’s fair to say that I didn’t really present it as, “Oh, let’s give it to the plants,” when I initially brought up the issue.

John Hodgman: Carson, I noticed you took a drink of water just a few minutes ago on video. I also noticed you did not drink from big yellow.

(Carson laughs.)

Well, you drank some fresh water—right?—from the studio.

(Carson confirms.)

Why didn’t you drink from your water bottle?

Carson: It would feel a little too momentous—like, momentous, sorry. It would—

John Hodgman: Oh, like I would have to order you to do it?

Carson: Well, it’s such a longstanding dispute that I think just to take a drink from it here on camera while Alana was speaking…

John Hodgman: Okay, hang on a second. Alana, is your dispute here—is your ideal ruling is that you want me to force Carson to drink this water, or just get rid of it somehow?

Alana: I’d like you to force him to get rid of it.

John Hodgman: You don’t want him to drink it.

Alana: At this point, I don’t think it’s a good idea.

John Hodgman: You’re concerned that it’s gone “bad”, quote/unquote.

Alana: I am. I would be interested in him being forced to smell it or look at it.

John Hodgman: I’ll allow it. Let’s smell and look at it right now.

Carson: Okay. (Laughs.)

John Hodgman: Bring big yellow front and center. This is your water bottle. All these water bottles are yours, right?

Carson: Yes. But secondhand.

John Hodgman: But you brought them into the house.

Carson: Yes, correct.

John Hodgman: And the house is not yours. Correct?

Carson: (Chuckling.)It’s not mine. No.

John Hodgman: You live somewhere else.

(Carson confirms.)

You live in Northern Manhattan, I believe.

Carson: Yes, correct. That’s right.

John Hodgman: And how many water bottles do you have on the floor there?

Carson: Uhhh, 16. Just kidding. I have no water bottles on the floor there. It is a much—

John Hodgman: (Interrupting.) Did you say no?! Did you say no water bottles?!

Jesse Thorn: Jennifer?

John Hodgman: Yeah. Can we roll that back for a second?

Jesse Thorn: Could you roll this back? What are you hearing here on this tape?

(Jennifer giggles.)

Sound Effect: Tape rewinding noise.

Carson: Uhh, 16. Just kidding. I have no water bottles on the floor there.

Sound Effect: The Law & Order thunk-thunk.

John Hodgman: No water bottles!

Carson: Well, all my water bottles are at Alana’s house!

John Hodgman: Yeah, you brought them all up to the northern counties to hoard them, where they will be safe, right?

[00:30:00]

Because—

(Carson agrees through laughter.)

You’re—because of climate change.

Carson: Correct. I’m gonna move up into the—

John Hodgman: Northern Manhattan’s gonna sink into the sea. You gotta save…

Carson: That’s true.

John Hodgman: Bottle Boy’s gotta save his vessels.

Carson: I’m near the highest part of the island, however. So, I might be okay. But it’s safer, definitely.

John Hodgman: I don’t want people to be able to triangulate where you live, especially since there are no water bottles to steal there.

(They laugh.)

Carson: Right. There’s nothing of value, really.

Jesse Thorn: What else have you piled at your girlfriend’s house?

John Hodgman: Good question.

Carson: Alana, what else have I piled at your house?

Alana: Yeah, you would like me to weigh in on that?

(Jesse laughs.)

Carson: I—I guess so.

Alana: I mean, generally—so, I will say, when I first saw Carson’s apartment I was really inspired. Because he’s done an amazing job of making a small space really functional. It looks great. He has great organization systems. So, generally speaking, he’s a very neat, organized person who I actually have asked for help. Because I don’t have—there are some systems that I don’t think work well in my apartment. I think like sometimes things from school that kind of come home in one swoop that maybe don’t have anything to do with each other—like notebooks and… I think some other drinking receptacles sometimes too come home from school. Yeah. He piles occasionally.

Jesse Thorn: What are we talking about? Punch bowls?!

Carson: No, I think we’re talking about insulated tumblers, like coffee. Is that what you were referring to?

Alana: Yeah, like the little cups with the lid and the straw, those kind of things.

Carson: I have no straws, but yes.

John Hodgman: Disposable or reusables?

Carson: Reusable. They are reused quite frequently.

John Hodgman: In that photo with the two dogs, Eli and Gilly, you have placed the water bottles under the pillow. The pillow is on top of the water bottles, and on top of the pillow is a phone. And it is true that you cannot see the water bottles as they’re— And you certainly can’t move them, ’cause they’re currently being guarded by your two dogs.

(Carson agrees with a laugh.)

But Alana, you can’t see them in this photo. But do you know that they’re there on some cellular level?

Alana: I do. I feel them. I almost am imagining the smell. And even just imagining that smell of opening up a six-plus month bottle that has just sitting water in it, it just—it really does kinda get me a little queasy.

John Hodgman: But why should we imagine the smell when it’s sitting right in front of us in an orange bottle?

Alana: That’s a good question.

Jesse Thorn: Yeah, I think we should celebrate the smell. I think we should have a fetid fete.

John Hodgman: Yeah. Crack it open, Bottle Boy. Let’s see what’s going on.

Carson: Here we go.

John Hodgman: Crack open your nasty bottle, you nasty Bottle Boy.

(Sounds of the tumbler lid unscrewing.)

Carson: You ready?

Alana: I guess.

John Hodgman: Don’t say anything. Carson is smelling it first. Now slide it over.

Carson: You have to take two sniffs.

(Jesse laughs.)

John Hodgman: Don’t tell her how many sniffs to take!

Alana: I’m also taking a look inside there.

John Hodgman: She’s also taking a look.

Carson: I didn’t look.

John Hodgman: Alright. I would like to get Alana’s reaction to the smell.

Alana: The smell to me smells like one of those really old water fountains at a school that doesn’t work anymore. Sort of just—

John Hodgman: Mm-hm. Kind of metallic.

Alana: Yeah, that metallic kind of almost rusty…

John Hodgman: I don’t mean to put words in your mouth, I apologize, Alana.

Alana: That’s okay. Yeah. Kind of a metallic, rusty hype.

Jesse Thorn: Mmm. That’s my favorite kind of water.

Alana: Maybe a slight sewage. A slight sewage tinge.

Jesse Thorn: Love that water! Ugh, no I don’t want that.

John Hodgman: Bottle Boy, are you catching the slight sewage nose that Alana’s describing?

Carson: I am not really, but I think mostly water in Arizona—reclaimed water and water that you drink and that you play in, if it’s, you know, out and about—does have a different smell that is more…

John Hodgman: Reclaimed water, meaning poop water of Arizona?

Carson: Well, we use that to water the grass that maybe shouldn’t even be there, but. (Chuckles.)

John Hodgman: The gray water. Right.

Carson: Et cetera, et cetera. But I honestly (laughing.) don’t think it smells that bad.

Alana: Would you drink it?

Carson: Yeah.

John Hodgman: Before you do or don’t, because I’m the only one who can order drinking, let me ask Alana: what was the water ecosystem where you grew up? Did you grow up in a swamp or a place with a lot of rotting, standing water that may have traumatized you the way water scarcity traumatized Carson in Tucson?

Alana: No, I can’t say that I did grow up in a swamp. I grew up, actually, in the town where my apartment is. So, outside of New York City.

[00:35:00]

Love that, you know, New York water right from the tap. Really delicious. And I can’t say that, you know, water conservation was top of mind growing up. But I do—you know, I remember some of the information at school, and I remember just being asked to be mindful about how long showers are and things like that. But no, I was not in any way saving water for six months from that day.

Carson: I’d say that’s clear.

John Hodgman: Carson, do you actively want to drink this bottle of water?

Carson: There is a part of me that, now at this point… wonders about it. I’m not sure I would do it without a court order. Like, just on my own, I don’t think I’d be curious enough to—

John Hodgman: Well, that’s a good point. Because if I don’t order you to drink it and I were to find in your favor, it would just go back to the floor between the bed and the dresser, and you would never drink from it at this point, is what you’re saying. ‘Cause I wouldn’t be there to order you to do it.

Carson: Potentially.

John Hodgman: Why are you against giving this water to the plants?

Carson: I don’t think I’m against giving the water to the plants. I’m coming around more to that.

John Hodgman: Why would you ever have been against it?!

Carson: I don’t—(laughs) I don’t think it was—

John Hodgman: Mr. Parts of Speech?

Carson: I’m not sure it was presented to me as a—

Jesse Thorn: Once again, you got Clippy’d!

Carson: I did. (Wheezes a self-conscious laugh.) I don’t think it was presented to me as a real option. I’m having a hard time remembering like rejecting that.

John Hodgman: Are you having a hard time remembering that Alana?

Alana: So, I don’t know if I suggested the plants. I know that I personally offered to get rid of the water. Like, I wasn’t asking Carson to have to do it. So, I know that I said something along the lines of, “Well, can I just go ahead and dump out the water and leave the lids off for a while, so it can air out?” And that was rejected. So, I can’t say for certain if I suggested the plant thing. I can’t remember if that was just something that I’ve thought about since, or if I brought up the idea.

John Hodgman: Do you sleep better, Carson, knowing that there’s old water in three thermoses right next to your head?

Carson: If I’m being realistic, I don’t think I’m thinking about it at all.

John Hodgman: Would you sleep better, Alana, if these water bottles were gone or cleaned regularly and filled with fresh water?

Alana: Yes. Even if you just stopped at the “take the water out and leave them empty”, I’m okay with that too. I don’t even need to monitor or control Carson’s usage of these receptacles. I’m okay if they just sit empty.

John Hodgman: Charles over there at CDM studios, do you have a clear glass that we might pour some of this water into so that we could observe it? Would you mind providing Bottle Boy and Mrs. Bottle Boy—?

(They chuckle.)

Thank you.

Alana: I’m really liking Bottle Boy.

(They laugh.)

I think Bottle Boy is a great one.

Carson: I would have to ask for an injunction.

John Hodgman: Pour the water into the glass tumbler, or else it gets the hose again.

Ah, that’s a big flask!

(Water pouring sounds.)

Alana: That sound is like a literal sound effect in my ear.

John Hodgman: Yeah. No, that was a real—that really happened. Everyone who’s watching the YouTube knows we’re not going to Sound Effects Records.

Alana: Should I put this away here?

John Hodgman: Yeah, put that away. let the record show that Carson has poured the water into a glass tumbler. He has noted that the straw, the plastic straw within the tumbler grosses him out. And Alana, one question before we decide what to do about this water here. This is your house. This is your house. Why do you put up with this?

Alana: Because I love Carson, and I think I love him spending time at my apartment. I want him to feel comfortable there. I also think it’s not necessarily in my way. Like, it’s not as though I’m tripping over the water bottles. It’s not as though they’re in a spot that I would be using for something else. It really, for me, just comes down to the gross factor. And they don’t belong to me, so I’m not having to drink them or worry about what it tastes or smells like. But it’s more of an annoyance. And so, I think that’s why I sought justice in this way. (Chuckles.)

John Hodgman: And Carson, now that you’re looking at the water that has come out of big yellow—

[00:40:00]

On a scale of one to ten, ten being “Yum, yum. I can’t wait”, one being “Get this away from me”, where do you rank your desire to drink it at this point?

Carson: I think I’m at a five. I recognize it’s reminding me of something else.

Alana: I will say, like just looking at the shade—to me it does look a little bit yellowy, just a little bit.

John Hodgman: Let the record show Alana procured, out of nowhere, another glass of water!

(Alana laughs.)

And brought that right into frame!

Alana: I just—I mean, I thought we might as well do a comparison. I think it just looks a little bit—a little beige.

John Hodgman: Wow! If you’re watching on the YouTube, go ahead and focus in on those two glasses of water. Let us know in the comments if you think if you can detect a difference. Right now though, I think I’ve heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I’m going to go into my chambers. And while I’m in there, Jesse Thorn, maybe we could invite Charles there at the studio to switch those glasses of water back and forth a bunch of times, so we don’t know which is which anymore, like a Three Card Monte game.

(They laugh.)

And I’ll be back in a moment with my verdict.

Jesse Thorn: Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

(Chairs squeak, followed by heavy footsteps and a door closing.)

Alana, how are you feeling about your chances in this case right now?

Alana: I am feeling pretty good. I think it’s just a pretty, you know, accessible, approachable argument that old water is a little gross, and the fact that it’s my apartment I think helps. So, I’m feeling pretty good.

Jesse Thorn: How many water bottles, Alana, do you think there are in your house—between your water bottles, his water bottles, and any water bottles that might belong to your dogs?

Alana: I think that it might be right around 20, like it might be between 15 and 20.

Carson: Are you counting like tumblers?

Alana: There’s some that you don’t know about.

Jesse Thorn: Yeah, tumblers count, Carson. Did I ask you how you feel about your chances?

(Jesse and Carson laugh.)

Carson: Not great. Very bad.

Jesse Thorn: Well, we’ll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment.

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Jesse Thorn: Judge Hodgman, we’re taking a quick break from the case.

John Hodgman: Yeah, I gotta have a sip of water.

Jesse Thorn: (Chuckles.) Can I tell you something, John? We just completed our Road Court tour.

John Hodgman: Yeah. What a fun time.

Jesse Thorn: It was a spectacular time. Thank you so much to everybody who came out. Hopefully, those of you who are listening to this now, we’ll get a chance to hear many, most—perhaps even all—of those episodes on the podcast feed over the next year or so. We did get some complaints that we did not visit Chicago, Illinois.

John Hodgman: Yeah.

Jesse Thorn: Well, I have some good news for all you third-coasters. Chicago Comic-Con is coming up in April. My friend—

John Hodgman: ChiComicCon?

Jesse Thorn: ChiComicCon. My friend, Jordan Morris, is going to be there speaking and signing copies of his wonderful new book, Youth Group, as well as his other comics. And Jordan said, “Hey, Jesse, I’m gonna be in Chicago. Can we do a Jordan, Jesse, Go! show?”

So, I said, “Book it!” April 11th at Sleeping Village in Chicago, Jordan, Jesse, Go! live. I hope everybody will come out. There are ticket links at MaximumFun.org/events. It’s gonna be a great time. There’s gonna be a party after. It’s a great club, great place, great sound. Just gonna be a really good time. We’ll have some very special Chicago guests. They may even have been announced by the time this episode comes out. But go to MaximumFun.org/events for all your tickets. That’s April 11th.

John Hodgman: April 11th, Friday. That’s my friend Adam Sack’s birthday.

Jesse Thorn: Happy birthday, Adam!

John Hodgman: It’s gonna be a great time. If you haven’t seen a JJ Go show, go and see the show. That’s my motto for you, because it’s a lot of fun. And Jordan Morris is a delight. And hey, speaking of wonderful new books, I’d like to shout out our friend and occasional guest bailiff, Jean Grae. I’ve mentioned it before, and I’ll keep mentioning it, because she’s got a brand-new memoir coming out—first book ever by Jean Grae—in just a couple of weeks. It’s called In My Remaining Years. Jean is one of—you already know, if you’ve listened to the podcast—one of the funniest, smartest, wisest, most talented singer-songwriter, comedian, rapper artist, fashionista, painter, polymathic jeanius of all kinds. And I am spelling genius J-E-A-N-I-U-S.

This memoir is so funny and so empowering and so interesting. And it just—

[00:45:00]

You know, it starts out with a whole slice of life of her growing up in the Chelsea Hotel in Manhattan, in the ‘80s, which is something that not many people got to do, and moves on to just be a wildly wonderful and life-affirming sort of series of lessons about how to be an independent artist and person. It’s the greatest.

It’s called In My Remaining Years, and it comes out in just a couple of weeks. And you can go and pre-order it right now, wherever you get your books. Bookshop.org is a good place to connect with a local independent bookstore near you. In My Remaining Years by Jean Grae. Do yourself a favor and go and pre-order it now.

Jesse Thorn: And the MaxFunDrive is right around the corner, so get those joining fingers warmed up. We’re gonna have all kinds of special stuff going down during the drive, and it is the time when we ask you to join Maximum Fun. So, get ready for it, ’cause there’s gonna be prizes and special events and all kinds of amazing stuff next month.

John Hodgman: And I’ll remind you if you didn’t know, being a member of Maximum Fun is the only way that you can receive the Judge John Hodgman members only mailbag in your bonus content feed every month. And we’ve been having a great time talking to our member listeners over there on all of the subjects that they request or demand of us.

So, MaximumFun.org/join will be the place to go to become a member or to upgrade your membership during the MaxFun Drive. It’s really important, and we thank you in advance for your support.

Jesse Thorn: Let’s get back to that case.

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Jesse Thorn: Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

(Chairs squeak, followed by heavy footsteps and a door closing.)

John Hodgman: So first of all, happy upcoming one year anniversary of your dating and your (inaudible) living together and your relationship. I wish you many, many years of happiness ahead of you. But separately, ’cause I’m ordering that you break up. No, I’m just joking. In fact, I wish you many, many years of good fortune and happiness together. And in fact, the one-year anniversary is the paper anniversary. So, I’m gonna send you some paper—specifically, paper in the shape of Lauren Coleman’s book on the Dover Demon. And you’re gonna enjoy them, and you’re gonna display them on his shelf, not just leave them on the floor like some other things in your lives.

Alana, I kind of wanna rule against you here, because the fact of the matter is you were teasing Candy Boy, and he didn’t like it, and then I ordered you to call him Johnny Umami, and you haven’t. You’re already in contempt of court. And yet, obviously I’m not gonna rule against you, Alana, because first of all, it is your house. It is reasonable to set a standard of tidiness in your own house so long as you are not sharing a lease.

It’s really interesting, because in couples who get together and end up cohabitating for whatever reason, there is not often—in fact, it is—more than often it is usual that there is an asymmetry in person’s tolerance of clutter. You see tidy in Carson’s own home, and yet in your own home, Alana, suddenly you see clutter. I’m not saying that you’re seeing things wrong. I’m not gaslighting you. I’m saying it’s weird that he’s tidy at home, and yet he has this water clutter of childhood drought fear trauma stacked up next to your premarital bed!

I believe you, Bottle Boy, when you say that it is hard for you to toss out water even when it is old and stale and kind of disgusting. That you were just raised that way. And yet you have new— As you move closer and closer into cohabitation, you are going to have to learn to meld your little weirdsies with Alana’s little weirdsies, to quote the great Linda Holmes. Buy her new novel now. And to exercise some flexibility as you mold your weird trauma-informed habits with hers. Or just simply your weird habits, whether or not they’re trauma-informed. Especially when I don’t think there’s anything weird about Alana’s feeling like “I don’t love the look of three water bottles and a foam roller on the floor shoved in.” And more to the point, her feeling that she doesn’t love the feel of that.

You know, I made a joke earlier about how it would—you know, I have difficulty tolerating ambiguity.

[00:50:00]

I would not have a lot of fun sleeping next to a box that contains a cat that is dead and alive at the same time. If the cat’s dead, that’s sad. If it’s alive, what’s going on? Why am I sleeping next to this? This in enboxed cat? And I completely understand why Alana would feel just a little weirded out by these three bottles—half or quarter or third full of old last summer water. It skives me out! And I’m talking to you through the internet! I’m not anywhere near that glass of old water that’s sitting between the two of you.

Is it rational? Well, I mean, no. If you were in your own home, you could do whatever you wanted. And the episode has not even gone out, but I’m already getting the emails saying that water can’t go bad and it’s just perfectly fine, or saying it can go bad, and he’s gonna die if he drinks it. I don’t know the answer. But generally speaking, water itself is pretty stable. It will last a long time. I depends on where it is stored, according to the internet. Like, there’s a reason that there are expiration dates on plastic bottles of water, because the plastic leeches into the water over time. And I don’t know if your metal water tumblers have a coating inside that is good or bad for water as it ages, shall we say.

Having that—you are grossed out yourself by that plastic straw that’s been sitting in that water that whole time. Surely that might have leeched out. I don’t like to drink out of plastic bottles ’cause there’s an off taste. It’s all very personal, even if it’s not particularly poisonous. But I do think that, you know, there’s a reason why we like and recommend that you drink fresh water rather than old water that’s been sitting around for a while. Because it gets gross. If it doesn’t get gross in actuality, it gets gross in our minds. And especially when Alana is offering what seems to be a really good alternative, which you should have learned growing up in a place that used poop water to water lawns: feed it to the plants!

But I mean, you know, your refusal— Even in this moment, you’re not like, “Oh yeah, we should feed it to the plants. It was dumb of me to ever think otherwise.” You’re still like, “I don’t know that she even asked me. I have to think about it.” Like, that speaks to your irrational relationship with the water by your bed, right? You have a connection. Even then, you are irrationally attached to the idea of saving—nay, hoarding—that water. And I’m here to tell you that your irrational attachment to the water and, Alana, your irrational disgust by the water? Those things may be irrational in the sense that they’re not particularly fact-based, but they’re still reasonable. They’re still reasonable.

If you are grossed out by something, even though that might be some atavistic reflex in your body that was designed to keep you alive in times when we didn’t have purified water or whatever it is, like being grossed out is your body sending you an evolutionary message designed to keep you alive. That reflex may not be appropriately deployed to this particular glass of water in front of you, but it is okay to honor that grossed out feeling. It is an uncomfortable feeling, and you don’t deserve to have it while you’re in the most intimate space that you inhabit in your life, which is your most vulnerable state of sleeping and dreaming. You don’t need to have that gross-out added to it!

Now, obviously if you were both on the lease, this would be more of a discussion. But there is no discussion here. It’s enough that Alana’s like, “This grosses me out, dude. Stop it.” It should be— It’s year one of your relationship. You should be tripping over yourself! Or more likely, tripping over your three bottles of water on the floor to fix this problem. And especially when Alana offers you an ecologically sound way of disposing of the water. And if you’re not convinced that gross-out matters, look at the water in front of you, Bottle Boy. I don’t know whether you notice a different color. I don’t know whether you notice a different smell. You yourself said the straw was grossing you out. And on the table of zero, get it away, and ten, yum, yum, can’t wait to sip it up, you’re at five.

Now, I got a cat. A pretty dumb cat. And one of the wonderfully weird things it does, like a lot of cats, is it will only drink water out of a human glass on a windowsill.

(Carson laughs.)

[00:55:00]

And even that cat knows when not to drink the water anymore. You know not to drink this water on some level. If I ordered you to drink it, you’d probably be fine. But maybe not, and I don’t want to be sued into oblivion. So, I’m asking you to put that water aside. I’m not going to ask you to drink it. Do you want to drink it?!

Carson: It’s reminding me of like when you blow the spit valve out on your tuba.

John Hodgman: That’s exactly what I was gonna say! This is spit valve water! Push it away from you. Go ahead. I ask you to push it away.

(Glass sliding across a table.)

Thank you. And thank you for sliding it. That was a great sound. You know, I have a tumbler of water. I’m gonna go ahead and say it. It’s a Yeti tumbler, my favorite. I have it by my bedside every night on a table, and I fill it up with ice water every night, and I drink it all the way down. And every morning I rinse it out, because I love knowing that there’s fresh, clean water next to me. And the best part about it is that when the bottom of the Yeti tumbler is a little bit damp, the surface of our counter is such that when I rub the bottle over the surface, it makes it sound like a Chewbacca or a Tuscan Raider.

(They laugh.)

It sounds like this. (Makes a halting, repeated, strained sound.) I couldn’t get that sound out of the studio, but try it at home.

In the meantime, don’t drink the water. Take that water, pour it in a plant here at the studio. Pour the rest of the water out into plants. I would say all you need in your water profile, your night water profile, is big yellow. 64 ounces, right? Is that a gallon, even? That’s a whole gallon, right?

(Carson confirms.)

You don’t need those other two except just to prop up your pillow, I suppose.

(Alana laughs.)

You know, the fact of the matter is I find that foam roller and those three water bottles to be really ugly sitting down there. And I would not sleep with you, Carson, but it’s not my choice.

(Alana laughs.)

And Alana didn’t—Alana isn’t opposing you on aesthetic grounds here. So, I am going to say dump out the water of all three bottles. You can have three bottles and a foam roller, as long as those bottles are clean, and the water is fresh. And when they are done or you’re done drinking from them and there’s still water left over, it gets poured in the plants, and you rinse ’em out. And if at some point Alana looks at the foam roller and the three bottles and says, “Judge John Hodgman is right,” then you gotta downsize to one water bottle or something else.

But in the meantime, Alana, you gotta call him Johnny Umami. Call him Johnny Umami right now.

Alana: I love you, Johnny Umami.

(They chuckle.)

John Hodgman: Yeah! That’s the sound of a gavel!

Sound Effect: A perfect water pour.

John Hodgman: Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all.

Jesse Thorn: Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

(Chairs squeak, followed by heavy footsteps and a door closing.)

Johnny U, how do you feel?

Carson: (Chuckles.) I think I sort of expected that. I feel good about the ruling. I think it’s a good ruling and advice as we move into year two together.

Jesse Thorn: Alana, how do you feel?

Alana: I feel great. I feel like justice was served. I feel like Carson is gonna, you know, be better served by this, because he won’t be having nasty water next to the bed anymore. And I will just feel a lot less gross. So, I feel great.

Jesse Thorn: Alana, Johnny Umami, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast, and happy Valentine’s Day.

Carson: Happy Valentine’s Day to you and to all.

Alana: Thank you both.

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Jesse Thorn: Another Judge John Hodgman case is now in the books. Our thanks to Redditor u/banjo_solo for naming this week’s episode “Gulpable Negligence”. If you want to name an episode, we are on Reddit at Reddit.com/r/MaximumFun. That’s also where we encourage you to go to discuss every episode of the program.

Evidence and photos from the show, including those two lovely lovebird dogs, is online at instagram.com/judgejohnhodgman. And of course, on the episode page at MaximumFun.org. You can also find us on TikTok and YouTube, @JudgeJohnHodgmanPod. We encourage you to do so. Find us subscribe. Smash the like button. Share an episode with a friend.

John Hodgman: Oh, and speaking of Reddit and YouTube, I want to thank all of the listeners and viewers who answered the challenge and discovered what is what is different in the background of my office, here in my Brooklyn studio.

[01:00:00]

There was one subtle difference in the background that I challenged listeners and viewers to check out in the episode 707, “Cease and Toxoplasmosis”. And I want to shout out to the YouTube commenters, MelanieMisho825, as well as Rules_RainbowWizard, as well as HeatherCook1408. And also over there on the subreddit, the Maximum Fun subreddit discussion of this particular episode, TokyoMeiKibu. I don’t know how to pronounce that.

They all noticed, and you will too if you’re watching on YouTube, that the Moxie poster behind me that has my face on it, I taped over the eyes on my face. And the reason for that is that our video editor, Daniel Speer, pointed out that the brand-new fancy camera that I’m pointing at right now has an auto focus on it, and it didn’t know which was the real John Hodgman—me, the human being, or the metallic two-dimensional simulacrum behind me. And from time to time, it would focus on his face, not mine. Am I even alive, I wonder.

Whatever the case, I’m very happy to interact with all of you everywhere you leave your comments. It’s such a delight to see, especially—and not least—over there on Apple Podcasts, where Apple user, GVarnes43, left us some kind words as well as a five-star rating. G Varnes asked, “Is a podcast a comfort food? Answer, yes. This show always makes me feel better, whether it is Jesse’s uncontrollable, giggling at a derpy dog pic, or the judge’s disdain for corny puns, or just the comfort of knowing I’m not the only one with idiosyncratic schemes.” Thank you, GVarnes43.

And if you—you know who I’m talking about. You, who’s listening or watching right now. If you have a few kind words you’d like to share on Apple Podcasts or Pocket Casts, and you wanna leave those words and a five-star rating, I’m not gonna stop you. Because that will very much help people discover the show. Same deal over on Spotify and obviously on YouTube. Like, share, subscribe, and comment to spread the show to people who you might think would enjoy it.

And you could even just call up a friend and say, “Hello, I’m calling you on my dial telephone from 1983. Would you like to listen to a podcast? Wait a couple decades till this one’s invented. It’s called Judge John Hodgman.” Maybe they’ll really enjoy it.

Jesse Thorn: Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorn and John Hodgman. This episode, engineered by Charles de Montebello at CDM Sound Studios in New York City. Our social media manager, Dan Telfer. The podcast, edited by AJ McKean. Our video producer is Daniel Speer. Our producer, Jennifer Marmor.

Now Swift Justice, where we answer your small disputes with quick judgment. ConsistentArticle975 says on the Maximum Fun subreddit, “My husband wants to replace our television with a new and larger model. Our TV works perfectly well. He just wants something fancier. Replacing our TV is a waste of money, and it’s environmentally irresponsible. Please order him to stop lobbying for a new TV until the old one stops working.”

John Hodgman: Jesse Thorn, you’ll recall sometime many years ago, my life got changed, because I was but a strange writer for magazines whose life was kidnapped by television. And suddenly my career changed, and for the first time, I was able to afford a flat screen television.

Jesse Thorn: Wow.

John Hodgman: Which were still pretty new and pretty expensive at the time. And I bought that flat screen television. And that flat screen television is now 18 years old. Still works! Still works. Now, does it get dimmer and dimmer, or am I losing my sight? I don’t know. But I think about replacing it all the time. Because nowadays we are so prone to understanding that technology needs to be—we’ve been trained to think that it needs to be thrown away and replaced every three to five years.

But unless you have a teenager in your house who is using virtual reality and accidentally punches your TV in the nose, as what happened with our TV in Maine, there’s no need to replace your TV just because you want it. That said, (chuckles) if you get a job on Apple commercials that has completely changed your life and turned your life into a weird fantasy that you never imagined would be true, and you’re living a Narnia, basically? You can celebrate by buying a new tv. But only then is ConsistentArticle975’s husband allowed to get a new TV, until it dies.

[01:05:00]

And I’ll tell you something. Be patient, husband. It will die, because they don’t make ’em like they used to make them 18 years ago. I think now they make ’em worse. So, I’m sure your TV will die soon enough. But until then, your wife is absolutely right. It’s fine. Hang on to the TV until it either dies or until you get a job making an Apple commercial, and your life has transformed completely.

Jesse Thorn: If you don’t have a teenager to play VR in your living room, I can offer my autistic 7-year-old who, when dysregulated, finds the heaviest thing they can find to throw at the most valuable thing they can find. (Chuckles.)

John Hodgman: That sounds like insurance fraud, but it also seems like a healthy side hustle too.

Jesse Thorn: Also, I’ll just say—I’ll just say the warranty technicians who came to my house did not ask any questions, and I volunteered no information. (Chuckles.)

John Hodgman: And you still haven’t!

One way to ruin a television is to pour water all over it. ConsistentArticle975’s husband, maybe you’ve got a gallon jug of water that you could pour all over your TV on accident, as they say—some say by accident. That might be a water-based dispute for a future show, and we’d like more of them.

What are some more disputes about water we can hear on this show? Are you a still water person or a sparkling water person? Or if you’re at the restaurant, do you just say, “TAP!” before they even ask the question? Does your partner want to go on a tropical vacation near an ocean, but you want a mountain getaway with a lake? What is the best song about water? Is it “The Ocean” by Led Zeppelin or “Under the Sea” from The Little Mermaid or “Smoke on the Water” by that other band. I just made that—I didn’t make it up, but that’s the only other water song I can think of. What’s the wettest song? Oh, “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” by TLC. That’s one. That’s a water song. What’s the best? What’s—? I’m not gonna ask what’s the best water song; I’m gonna ask this much more important question. What is the wettest song of all time?

Let us know. Send in all of your disputes and thoughts and comments at MaximumFun.org/jjho on the subject of H2O or H2-anything! Right, Jesse?

Jesse Thorn: We wanna hear your disputes on any subject. MaximumFun.org/jjho is where you submit them. No dispute too big or small. MaximumFun.org/jjho. We’ll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Sound Effect: Three gavel bangs.

Transition: Cheerful ukulele chord.

Speaker 1: Maximum Fun.

Speaker 2: A worker-owned network.

Speaker 3: Of artist owned shows.

Speaker 4: Supported—

Speaker 5: —directly—

Speaker 6: —by you!

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