TRANSCRIPT The Flop House Ep. 322: Money Plane

We’re back to just The Original Peaches this time, to discuss 2020’s VOD meme of choice, Money Plane.

Podcast: The Flop House

Episode number: 322

Transcript

dan

On this episode we discuss—Money Plane!

elliott

When you absolutely, positively, only have Kelsey Grammer for one day of shooting.

music

Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.

dan

Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flop House. I’m Dan McCoy.

stuart

Oh hey, there! I’m Stuart Wellington!

elliott

Elliott Kalan’s here! And our special guest this week is—nobody!

crosstalk

Dan: Mm-hm. Stuart: Uh-huh.

stuart

Mr. Nobody from the Doom Patrol TV show? [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Exactly. All wrapped up in bandages and all that stuff.

crosstalk

Stuart: Uh, in the TV show he looks— Dan: Yeah. He won’t be talking.

stuart

Yeah. In the TV show he looks more like—kind of like a weird TRON thing? It’s pretty awesome and it’s got part of Alan Tudyk’s face. So thumbs up.

elliott

So which character am I thinking of?

stuart

I think you’re thinking of—oh man, what’s that guy’s name? That looks like an Invisible Man type? I don’t remember.

crosstalk

Stuart: I only started watching the show. Elliott: I haven’t seen the show—

elliott

I haven’t seen the show and it’s been a long time since I read the comic books. So.

crosstalk

Dan: So. Stuart: But they—

stuart

But they cast Matt Bomer as that guy and you’re like, “When you got a face like that, you’re wasting it under all that bandages!” But whatever. Y’know. White Collar. Etcetera.

elliott

I’m thinking of Negative Man. That’s what I’m thinking of. Yeah.

dan

Hey. So on this podcast, we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. And we are entering the holiday section of our Flop House calendar year where we have a bunch of semi-arbitrary theme months and days and such? And this is Smalltember.

elliott

Smallvember, as it’s actually called.

dan

[Through laughter] Where we watch smaller movies. And this year we’re gonna watch a couple that aren’t like super small the way we sometimes do? But they are definitely sort of dumped-to-video style movies.

elliott

This is Smallvember: battle of the stars! That’s right. We’re gonna be watching Smallvember movies that happen to land a well-known name or names in them. So we’re not gonna have any Loves on a Leash this time. These movies all have background music and at least a few recognizable faces. And this movie has a ton of recognizable faces. Even if Thomas Jane’s face, for some reason— [Dan laughs.] I could not recognize him.

crosstalk

Stuart: I love it. Elliott: And I— Dan: Well I couldn’t—

dan

—recognize Joey Lawrence, I’ll tell ya that. He’s changed a lot.

crosstalk

Elliott: Because he’s a chameleon. I mean, the last time you saw him was on Blossom, too. Stuart: Yeah. He showed up and when you realize it was—

stuart

When you realized it was Joey Lawrence, I think you said, “Whoa?” [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

You asked yourself, “How did they get Joey Lawrence” and the immediate answer is because his brother directed the movie and that’s why there’s another Lawrence brother also in it. But it’s an all-star cast for a Smallvember movie. It’s one of those things where, y’know, ya gotta build a movie around a wrestler. So how are ya gonna do it? Well, you’re gonna have to make him the greatest con-artist heist-artist— [Dan laughs.] —in the history of the world.

dan

You’re gonna have to make him sit down for most of the movie. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]

stuart

 Now—now guys. Did you have to look it up to realize that the lead was a former wrestler, or could you tell from his muscles and ponytail combo? [Multiple people laugh.]

dan

I did not know he was a former wrestler. I did look him up after seeing the Money Plane trailer, which of course made the rounds on the internet. Everyone was delighted by that. That was the meme of the day for a while. But yeah. I didn’t—I was like, this looks like a guy who should be someone? But I have no idea.

stuart

Yeah. I think he wrestled under the nom de wrestle “Edge”? Which I’m guessing is some kind of guitar-playing fellow? [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Here he’s listed under what I assume is his birth name of Adam Copeland. But yeah. Once I knew he was Edge, I was like, oh, okay. I’m semi-familiar with him. But it was—I did not recognize his regular name or his face, but I did recognize his physique and his long hair. He was either a wrestler or when the movie was over he just got on a motorcycle and traveled the country righting wrongs and bringing justice to those who had escaped through the loopholes— [Dan laughs.]

crosstalk

Elliott: —of the legal system. Stuart: A real Renegade or like a Knuckles type figure. [Laughs.]

elliott

Yeah! Like Knuckles from the Sonics games. Exactly. Yeah. [All laugh.] Is that what Knuckles does? He rides a motorcycle across the country bringing justice?

stuart

I mean, in all the drawings I make, yes! [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

He just rides the country righting wrongs and impregnating Sonics from coast to coast.

dan

In these drawings, is there anything about Knuckles being pregnant? Or maybe like—

stuart

Knuckles isn’t pregnant. He’s more of like a Johnny Appleseed type figure. So he’s always leaving little Knuckles—

crosstalk

Stuart: —y’know, half-Knuckles behind. Dan: So he’s impregnating others.

dan

That’s why I’ve seen so many pregnant Garfields on the internet at well. [All laugh.] Is Knuckles came around.

crosstalk

Stuart: Yeah. You can’t trust him. Elliott: Yeah. That’s—

elliott

That is what John Arbuckle would want you to believe. That that’s Knuckles’s doing.

crosstalk

Dan: [Through laughter] Oh, god. Let’s not go further down this row. Stuart: Oh, shit! Oh wow! Allegedly over here. [All laugh.]

elliott

[Through laughter] Allegedly! Look, I’m just saying wait for the book, guys. The book’s coming out. [Multiple people laugh.] So this movie—Dan, you mentioned that the trailer was going around? We watched the trailer for Money Plane and I feel like not since the trailer for Fateful Findings first hit my eyeballs was I like, “Mm, yeah, this is a movie I’m gonna have to see on The Flop House.”

stuart

I’m gonna have to watch that thing.

elliott

And it was perfect for Smallvember! But you know what? I’m not gonna be piloting this plane, as much as I would like to. Nope! Listeners, we’re going to be in the very capable hands of Captain Wellington!

stuart

Uh-huh. Yep. I bonked Elliott on the head and stuffed him in the airplane toilet. [Dan laughs.]

crosstalk

Stuart: So I can fly this plane. Dan: [Through laughter] Wow. Not even— Elliott: Yeah. And then—

crosstalk

Dan: [Through laughter] Just, like, the baggage area. [Laughs.] You stuff into the toilet. Elliott: And then you told the flight attendant—

elliott

—don’t go in there. My friend’s feeling flushed. [Multiple people laugh.]

stuart

Yeah. And they’re like, [through laughter] that’s a stretch. Okay. So. [Elliott laughs.] Of course the movie opens as you would imagine. It opens over narration. We hear a Frasier-ian voice echoing in the distance. [Dan laughs.] It tells of a legendary money plane where any bets are possible. If you wanted to bet on a man fucking an alligator, you can.

elliott

Now, here’s—hold on a second. Here’s something I wanted to just ask a question. Is—so let’s say you’re laying a bet on a man fucking an alligator. What is the bet?

crosstalk

Elliott: Like, what is the bet on that? Dan: Yeah. I see where you’re going here.

dan

‘Cause if the bet is—will that man fuck the alligator? Like… you’re not gonna get much of a payoff if you bet on the man not fucking the alligator? ‘Cause I assume that the odds are, y’know, like, huge in favor of the man not fucking the alligator.

elliott

Because the alligator will probably eat him, yeah. I mean, like, are the odds that they’re gonna—he’s gonna impregnate the alligator? In which case that’s also a sucker’s bet ‘cause they’re two different species. It’s not gonna work.

crosstalk

Dan: Yeah. But the only good— [Laughs.] Elliott: A man cannot impregnate a reptile.

dan

It seems like the only good play here is to place a small bet on the man and the alligator having coitus. And then like, y’know, it’s something you can afford to lose but it’ll pay off big if it happens. That’s my tip to you. [Laughs.]

stuart

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]

crosstalk

Dan: Danny the Greek. Gives you the tip. Stuart: Yeah. You can usually see Dan at the New Jersey racetracks that have recently reopened. He’s there on the weekends. [Multiple people laugh.] Elliott: Yeah. Just giving—

elliott

Giving hot tips on cross-species events. [Dan laughs.]

stuart

Yep. He’s taking out his racing forms from the brim of his cap and he’s occasionally ripping them up in anger and then having to go explain things to somebody over the phone. [Laughs.]

elliott

And every now and then he ends up getting scammed by a Italian-ish man who’s pretending to sell Tootsie-Frootsie ice cream but is in fact selling betting books. And Dan has bought an elaborate library of betting books from this guy.

dan

[Through laughter] eah. That is a— [Laughs.] I mean, I, y’know, everyone who gets that joke? I love you. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]

stuart

So the narration actually doesn’t happen. I made that up. That was a Stuart fib. Ya caught me, guys. Take me away to Stuart jail. That’s a jail filled only with me’s! [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Wait—but you run the jail, or you own it?

stuart

I also run and own it. Yes.

crosstalk

Elliott: So it seems like a conflict of interest that you would be imprisoned in your own jail. Dan: That’s a private jail. Stuart: It’s—

stuart

The thing is, that’s a lot of characters for me to have to play, but they’re all me. So I think I can do it, right? So we—

dan

Is it like an Undercover Boss situation?

crosstalk

Stuart: It is like an Underground Boss situation. Thank you for pointing that out. Dan: You is reporting back to you. [Elliott laughs.]

stuart

Well, and that’s the thing. Is that it’s all about me just kind of figuring out that the people who work for me—who are also me— [Dan laughs.] —that they have, y’know, they’re fully realized characters. They have well-rounded lives and you know what? They need the support of a boss who is also me. So we go— [Dan laughs.] —the movie opens on a—

elliott

And who are the customers? Who’s the customers? [Dan laughs.]

stuart

Customers at a prison? I mean, I guess that’s a modern take on prisons. I mean, that is the prison-industrial complex we live in. Those customers—as I think you’ve already guessed—also me. So we go—the movie opens on a con or a grift. It’s media res, like usual, where we have—

elliott

I think you would call this a “heist.”

stuart

Yep. So it’s a heist. Yep. So it’s a heist happening at what appears to be an art museum— [Dan laughs.]

crosstalk

Dan: [Through laughter] It just says “art museum.” Stuart: Although the exteriors look like a…

stuart

Like a warehouse. Right?

elliott

[Through laughter] Yeah. But we are helpfully given the chyron, “Art museum.” [Dan laughs.] The museum has no name, unless in a kind of touch of making the museum a piece of readymade art itself in a Duchamp-ian way, is just labeled “art museum” without any other identifying characteristics. It could be that this museum is a kind of pop-up event that’s all part of a larger creative poke at what is art? What is a museum?

crosstalk

Stuart: What a delicious commentary, yeah. Elliott: Because as we see—

elliott

Does this museum have any art in it? We’ll find out.

dan

Now Stuart, I wanna ask you a question right off the bat.

stuart

Sure. I’m on it.

dan

In a heist movie, this first scene where we, y’know, learn who the team is and see them pull a job—like, that heist must be amazing with a lot of like ins and outs— [Elliott laughs.] —just to show you how cool these guys are and like with a lotta style, y’know?

stuart

Well, Dan, you’re right! So we’re introduced to our three very stylish—wait, three or four? I guess four very stylish members of a team. We have—

elliott

Four, but one of them is kind of a junior member, as we’ll see.

stuart

Yeah. I guess. Well, thanks for clarifying, Elliott. The leader is Jack Reese, y’know, obviously heir to the Reese’s fortune. [Elliott laughs.] And I’m guessing this happens before he meets up with Cole and Macon and starts working for the Hellfire Club.

elliott

Mm-hm. Yep. And they eventually become the—no, they become the Lady Deathstrokes—yeah, they’re the Reavers, right? The backup guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Sorry.

stuart

And it’s Lady Deathstrike. Lady Deathstroke is—wait, right?

elliott

Lady Deathstroke I guess is Deathstroke the Terminator’s wife.

stuart

[Through laughter] That’s what I was going to suggest. [All laugh.]

crosstalk

Stuart: Or his sister. Elliott: It is Lady Deathstrike.

elliott

And I imagine if I called her that she would be very upset.

crosstalk

Dan: Is Lady Deathstrike— Elliott: And she would have to speak to my manager.

dan

Is she the one that has like Wolverine fingernails?

elliott

Yes. She’s got super long, sharp talons and kind of like—and she has circuitry around her boobs and she wears a kind of samurai type vest.

crosstalk

Dan: Okay. Yeah. I’m seeing her. Stuart: Uh-huh. And her—so—and her father pioneered the— Elliott: That’s Lady Deathstrike. Whereas Lady—

stuart

The procedure that grafted the adamantium to Wolverine’s bones, right?

crosstalk

Elliott: Yes. But he’s— Stuart: But he died in a suicide attempt on a run on a US, like aircraft carrier or something during WWII?

elliott

Uh, that I don’t remember. I thought her—her dad’s not Donald Pierce? Or is that someone else?

stuart

I think that’s someone else. If I actually got this right and Elliott got it wrong, man. [Laughs.] I can’t wait to do a victory lap.

crosstalk

Dan: Anyway, Money Plane. We get introduced— Elliott: Just write in. Well, the important thing is—

elliott

The important thing is that Lady Deathstroke runs a small shop in their home. It’s, y’know, it’s the kind of place that sells kind of novelty bags and funny t-shirts and little toys and stuff. And it doesn’t make money, but Death Stroke the Terminator just loves that she, y’know, that she’s got this entrepreneurial spirit and he wants to encourage that.

stuart

Well that’s the thing. During quarantine, it actually became the primary source of income for their household right now ‘cause Deathstroke can’t go out there and kill people. How could he do that? He’s gotta socially distance.

elliott

Yeah, that’s true. He can’t fly. Even though he does wear a mask all the time.

stuart

[Through laughter] He does wear a mask all the time. Okay. So of course—so we have our point man, Jack Reese. We have his other team members. We have a tech support guy, Trey, who is also kind of constantly befuddled and nervous. We have Izzy, who is played of course—played to a T by our writer-director Andrew Lawrence of the Lawrence dynasty. And we have Isabella, who is a—what, like, a martial arts expert/murderer lady?

elliott

She is the muscle and she is—yeah. She’s your badass lady assassin.

stuart

Yup. So they are breaking into this art museum to steal a painting. But when they get there they realize the painting is already gone. It’s been a double cross. These guys all have machine guns but they get knocked out with, what, like, one flash-bang and then Isabella’s punches and kicks?

crosstalk

Stuart: They steal a gun and shoot a bunch of people, then. [Laughs.] Dan: Yeah. I just—I—

dan

Yeah. I just wanted to say, this is—I of course was being ironic earlier when I said that they would start this heist movie with a really fancy heist. The heist seems to be that the tech guy has cloned a— [Laughs.] An access badge. And he seems to be doing it in a very weird way where he’s like hacking into the system while the guy’s trying to like get—walk in. Rather than, I don’t know, like just like magnetizing a strip with the right access or whatever.

stuart

Yeah. Like doing it the day before. [Laughs.]

dan

Yeah. But like—so there’s a bit of a tension where he can’t get in and then he basically [through laughter] just like—I don’t know. They try and walk out with the painting. There’s no real heist to this, guys.

elliott

Well they go in and the painting’s not there.

crosstalk

Stuart: Uh-huh. That was Plan A. Dan: Yeah. Elliott: And so there’s the—

elliott

There’s the extra little stroke where they had tapped into the security camera that showed that the painting was there, but in reality the painting’s not there. So part of the double-cross is that their hack of the security camera has in turn been hacked and it’s totally unnecessary. There’s no reason that they couldn’t just have the guy walk in and say, “Hey, the painting’s not here.” The whole security camera thing is a waste of time. So I’m glad I mentioned it!

stuart

So we then—of course, we fall back on Plan B, which is… the—I guess they just start shooting the security guards! Who are shooting back at them. But it is like—I think these guys are just doing their job. They’re not villains. They work at a art museum, right?

elliott

Well these heist guys are kind of the Michael Moore of bandits? Where their real issue is with the thing they’re heisting. But if that means they’re just gonna ruin the day of a security guy who’s just— [Dan laughs.] —being paid minimum wage to watch the lobby of the Exxon Building or whatever? They’ll do it. Y’know. They’ll just shove a camera in his face and bother him even though he has no control over the situation and is literally just trying to make insurance money so that he can pay for his family. Y’know.

stuart

So they all load up in an unmarked van. We have a thrilling escape which involves some very good fake driving acting from Andrew Lawrence as he like throws himself back as if he just [through laughter] slammed on the gas? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] And then we cut to the next scene where we’re introduced to the guy who was supposed to be paying for this painting. That’s right—Kelsey Grammer, who plays—ah, goddammit. Darius Grouch? The Third?

elliott

Darius Emmanuel Grouch the Third, but what’s his nickname that only he calls himself?

stuart

Aka, “The Rumble.” [All laugh.]

elliott

Which is maybe the dumbest tough-guy nickname I’ve ever heard?

stuart

Nope, coolest tough guy nickname!

dan

[Through laughter] Especially for Kelsey Grammer. Like—‘cause it does sound like a wrestling name as well.

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah. It’s— Stuart: It’s—well it’s what happens—

stuart

—when he gives ya a hug! He shakes ya a little bit. [Dan laughs.]

elliott

It makes me wonder if there was an earlier version of this script where the bad guy was a tough guy and he was gonna fight Adam Copeland/Edge, but then they got Kelsey Grammer for it and they’re like, “No way is anyone gonna believe that Edge wouldn’t just rip Kelsey Grammer in two.” [Dan laughs.] “We’re still gonna call him The Rumble. And he’s the only guy who calls himself The Rumble. As we find out later, his company is called like Rumble [through laughter] Incorporated or something.”

dan

It’s called “Rumpole” of the bailey. [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

Yeah. He’s much more rumpled and Rumpole than Rumble.

stuart

I’m assuming there is also a similar scene at the end of Eraser? Where Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed to fight the villain and they’re like, “Actually, we got James Caan. So… he’s too old.” [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

That was always my friend Rory’s theory about the movie Commando. Was that they hired—oh, why am I forgetting his name?

crosstalk

Stuart: Vernon Wells? Elliott: From Road—Vernon Wells.

elliott

And they’re like, “This guy’s huge and we’ll have a big fight between him and Arnold Schwarzenegger.” And then Vernon Wells showed up not in amazing shape? And they’re like, “Okay, well we’re gonna have to have Arnold Schwarzenegger get shot in the arm or something so that this is believable as a fight.” [Multiple people laugh.] In reality, as we found out later when we went to a screening where the director of Commando appeared, Commando was supposed to end with a big speedboat chase? And they ran out of money and they had to shoot it on the lot and so they literally just found a basement that they were able to rig up to look like a cooler basement. [Dan laughs.]

stuart

I mean, Vernon Wells looks very tough in that movie ‘cause doesn’t he wear like a little chainmail vest? That’s super tough!

elliott

He wears like a chainmail undershirt and also a Freddie Mercury moustache. And so the whole time you’re like, “Oh, so this is the alternate universe where Freddie Mercury is like a thug working for bad guys.” Yeah.

stuart

Okay. So we’re introduced to The Rumble. He’s awesome. HE talks about how a bunch of painters are a bunch of bitches. And then he explains the plot of the movie. Which is—he needs—he had bought a—you guys might have to correct me. He bought the marker that was on Reese’s head. Reese owed a lot of money to a lot of bad people, but the Rumble bought that marker. And now Reese owes—Jack owes money to The Rumble. So he needs him to pay that money back. Since he wasn’t able to successfully steal the painting, he’s going to have to sneak aboard the legendary Money Plane, a high-stakes casino in the sky, and steal a whole bunch of cryptocurrency or else his wife, played by Denise Richards, and their daughter, will die. Am I leaving anything out?

elliott

Nope, totally right. You have everything in there. And as we’ll later find out, the whole thing of the painting heist—again—we’ll discover was totally unnecessary.

stuart

It was all a double-cross. I mean, that’s the least surprising thing in the movie.

elliott

But also like an unnecessary—he’s like—as we’ll find out, he’s like, “Hey. I bought your marker. You owe me a lot of money and in order to cancel your debt, you have to steal me a painting. You screwed up the painting heist. Now you gotta rob the money plane.” It’s like, “Well why didn’t you just have him rob the money plane?” [Multiple people laugh.]

crosstalk

Elliott: That’s— [Laughs.] Dan: Yeah. That’s—as is a frequent occurrence on The Flop HouseStuart: That’s—yeah, that’s a good point.

dan

—you have scooped me. [Through laughter] This was exactly my criticism. You’ve overcomplicated your thing, and also you have made your employee more apt to double-cross you? ‘Cause I feel like, y’know, if you make him rob the money plane to pay back his marker, there’s a chance he’ll just pay back his marker. But if he finds out that you like screwed him on this heist for some reason and in the meantime like you’ve threatened his family, it seems like you’ve given that guy [through laughter] much more motivation to just turn on you.

stuart

Yeah. And I mean when he explains this almost ludicrous plan before handing him just like— [Laughs.] A normal-sized duffel bag that has everything he needs in it— [Multiple people laugh.] Y’know, Jack, of course, is like, “Are you joking me?” And The Rumble says, “Do I look like I’m joking?” He says, while smiling. So I think he is joking? [Dan laughs.] I don’t know. It’s hard to read. So the team meets up. They’re like, ‘This is gonna be impossible, but we’re gonna have to do it.”

dan

Wait. I forget. Did we explain the money plane? Did we explain the premise of the money plane?

crosstalk

Stuart: It’s a high-stakes casino in the sky that flies around. Elliott: I believe—Stuart called it a “high-stakes casino—”

elliott

But Stuart, what makes this a special kind of casino? Why does it have to be up in the air, starring George Clooney? [Dan laughs.]

stuart

Well, it’s—I mean, I’ve already said that it’s a high-stakes casino. And also they cover things where, y’know, if you wanted to bet on anything, like a man fucking an alligator—sounds much cooler when Kelsey Grammer says it—

dan

But the reason why that’s on a plane, though?

crosstalk

Dan: I don’t think we’ve said. Which is that they’re in international airspace and as well all know— Stuart: It’s so they can fly into, what, international waters or something? Elliott: Now, they’re in international—

dan

[Through laughter] No laws apply in the sky.

elliott

Yeah. No laws—and I also wanted to mention—Stuart said it was a high stakes. It’s the highest possible stakes. ‘Cause they’re up in the sky. Stakes don’t get any higher.

stuart

Oh my—

elliott

But here’s the thing.

stuart

They also serve steak on board. [All laugh.]

crosstalk

Dan: [Through laughter] That has been infused with pot. So they’re really high steaks. Elliott: [Through laughter] Yeah. Those are the high steaks they were talking about. [Laughs.] Stuart: Oh, yeah. That’s interesting too, yeah.

elliott

Yeah, yeah. They’re pumping just pot vapors into the planes. [Dan laughs.] So they’re eating steaks in the air while doing high-stakes gambling while also they’re high as kites and they’re in a plane. So yeah.

stuart

A little pot butter on the—

crosstalk

Dan: Sounds great. Let’s go, guys! Let’s go to it! [Laughs.] Stuart: —on the steak. Elliott: They really covered all their bases on this one. That sounds fun.

elliott

Now, here’s the thing that we’ll find out later—but I’m gonna scoop it again—is they’re watching video feeds of some of these blood sport events, which implies that those are happening on the ground. So the illegal part is happening on the ground where there’s— [Dan laughs and claps.] —very much national jurisdiction.

crosstalk

Elliott: And police forces. Stuart: You’re wrong, Elliott. [Dan laughs.]

stuart

Those are happening on a different plane that is flying in international airspace. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Really? Even the one where the guy just chops another guy’s hand off and it looks like they’re in a living room?

stuart

Well, Elliott, I hate to break it to you, but sometimes living rooms can be in planes. [Multiple people laugh.] Y’know, that’s what we’re talking about. We’re talking about micro-domiciles now.

crosstalk

Dan: Now Stu, why do you hate to break that [through laughter] to him? Elliott: [Laughs.] Okay. Oh, wow. Okay.

stuart

I hate to break it to ya. I know it’s [through laughter] gonna bum you out. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]

elliott

I understood why he—no, no. He was right to hate to break that. That was not a good break. Okay. So—

stuart

Around here is where we get the—this is around where we get the credit sequence. Very professional. So good. [Elliott laughs.] We get a little bit of family time so we can see what Jack—what the real stakes are for Jack. Is he’s got a loving wife and daughter at home. They love to play around when he’s at home. He even takes his ponytail out. He lets his hair flow free like he’s Knuckles again. They have the lovely house—

dan

And his wife is Denise Richards, who has upwards of one line. Maybe two. I don’t know.

elliott

Denise Richards—you could say her role does not really justify her face being on the poster. As it is. I was amazed and surprised at how little Denise Richards there is, and there’s part of me that wonders if Denise Richards—they were just at her house. And she didn’t really know that they were shooting a movie. [Dan laughs.]

stuart

That certainly is possible. It does kinda beg the question, like, this is a whole, like, also a “one last job” for our heroes? Which I guess makes—like, he’s got a pretty nice house, right? Like, it doesn’t feel like he’s that desperate.

crosstalk

Stuart: I guess his desperation is that— Elliott: No, no, but he’s in debt.

stuart

His desperation is that people are gonna kill him?

elliott

Yes. He has something like $40 million in debt or something like that. Or I don’t know exactly how much it was. But it’s a lot of debt.

crosstalk

Elliott: And so that’s— Stuart: I mean, I guess that’s the thing.

stuart

Like, sometimes people like—the money that they show is not necessarily the money they have. I mean, sometimes people are super in debt but they have a nice—y’know. Etcetera.

elliott

It’s one of those houses where it’s a really nice house but they’ve only got like two or three rooms with furniture in it? Like the rest are all empty because they really can’t afford that house. Now, doing some research, I saw the producer of this movie—it’s Richard Switzer—he had worked with Denise Richards before. Which makes me think that he was calling in a favor from an old buddy, possibly. But I also learned that in 2016, he produced a movie called Arlo: The Burping Pig, which was another Joey Lawrence vehicle. [Dan laughs.] So— [Laughs.] so if anyone has any information about Arlo: The Burping Pig, starring Joey Lawrence and Drake Bell, it says, it sounds like it’s a family film but who knows. Maybe it’s a taut thriller. Let me know.

stuart

Is Drake Bell the animated dinosaur voiced by Lake Bell?

crosstalk

Elliott: [Through laughter] Yes. Yes. That’s exactly right, yeah. Dan: It’s interesting. I went the other direction.

dan

I was like, in my head, I’m like, “Is Drake Bell a duck played by Lake Bell?”

stuart

[Through laughter] Yeah. That’s cool. Y’know, that’s the difference between you and me.

dan

Mm-hm. Dinosaurs and ducks. [All laugh.]

stuart

So obviously—

elliott

That’s—yep— [through laughter] that’s the old album. “Dinosaurs and Ducks.” [Dan laughs.] Just a hot, rocking album. Yeah.

stuart

Yeah. So our team obviously has to do the job. They talk a little bit through it. Trey is gonna go onboard with Jack, even though it seems a little weird ‘cause he seems more of a tech support guy, but they need him to hack that mainframe. Isabella’s gonna sneak on. They already got her a job as a flight attendant, which seems kinda easy that they were able to do. They talk about the plan, which—basically the plan they talk about is exactly what’s going to happen. It’s kind of like the opening painting in the movie Midsommar. [Elliott laughs.]

crosstalk

Stuart: If you pay attention to it, you’re not gonna be surprised. Dan: Yeah. I had a couple problems—

dan

Yeah. A couple problems with this plan. Number one is the thing that Stuart said, which is that—traditionally—in a heist movie, they lay out the plan in great detail and then the suspense comes when small things start going wrong and they have to improvise. That is a very traditional heist, y’know, model. And—again—as Stuart said—it all goes down as he says. But number two, the plan seems to essentially just be “We’ll create a distraction. Everyone sneaks to the place [through laughter] where they need to be and does their thing and then heist over.” [Laughs.] [Stuart laughs.]

elliott

Well there’s certain things about the plot—the plan that—and we should talk about how easy it is for them to get Isabella a job as a flight attendant, even though— [Dan laughs.] —they don’t know her. None of the other flight attendants know her and it’s not even like she’s taking the place of a sick flight attendant. She just boards like a passenger and just is wearing a flight attendant uniform? But also—but we should mention that a big part of the plot is Jack having to knock out the pilots and take control of the plane. Still not sure why they needed to do that. [Dan laughs.]

stuart

Yeah. I mean, I think it’s so—

dan

I think they’re in international airspace; I think it’s to take them back to where they can parachute out? That’s the only thing I can think of? But—

elliott

But it seems weird for the leader of the heist—and a guy who’s super tough. Like, a real brawler. For him to just sequester himself in the cockpit for most of the plot.

crosstalk

Dan: [Laughs.] I mean, certainly narratively [through laughter] it makes no sense. Elliott: Not— [Laughs.] Not really being involved in the heist. [Laughs.]

dan

By the way, I also want to go back to what you said about her coming on just as a passenger? Although dressed as a flight attendant? There’s—y’know, like there’s the traditional thing at the door where they’re like, “I’m sorry; I’m afraid you’re gonna have to leave your weapons here.” And she takes out two guns? And I’m like, “So… isn’t it weird that the flight attendant [through laughter] was gonna come on the—” [Multiple people laugh.] “—money plane with two guns?”

stuart

Yeah. That onboarding area basically looks like the entrance to fucking True Dungeon? Where they’re putting all their weapons in like a giant like treasure chest? [Multiple people laugh.] And there’s that like kind of thing where… all the walls are made with just like draped curtains?

dan

[Through laughter] Yes. I think that’s why, honestly, a lot of low-budget movies are set on planes? ‘Cause you can do so much just by putting [through laughter] a curtain somewhere.

stuart

Yeah.

elliott

And now—Jack goes on and—what’s Trey’s nom de plume that he’s going under to get on this plane?

stuart

Mr. McGillicuddy, of course. So— [Multiple people laugh.]

elliott

No first name given. Just Mr. McGillicuddy .

stuart

So fucking funny. [Elliott laughs.] That’s the thing! [Dan laughs.] If you are writing a serious action movie, [slamming fist to emphasize his words] you need to put in jokes! Like Mr. McGillicuddy! [All laugh.]

elliott

And everyone refers to him as Mr. McGillicuddy constantly. And—

stuart

With the deadest of deadpan looks. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]

elliott

And he never seems to remember that that’s his name. But it is—yeah.

stuart

Oh, it’s so fun. It’s so fun.  [Elliott laughs.] So before we get there—we gotta say that Jack’s got a little insurance policy on the ground. And I think that’s one of the best insurance policies. Certainly the one that I would invest my money in. That’s right—Thomas Jane! Tom Jane shows up at his house. I guess they have some kind of a history together. Former special forces or something.

dan

By the way, Tom Jane is sneaking into the house [through laughter] with his gun drawn? [Multiple people laugh.] And the wrestler comes down with his gun drawn, too? And like our lead is like, “Shit, I almost shot you.” And he’s like, “And I almost shot you!” And I’m like, well, Tom Jane, you’re the one coming in [through laughter] to your friend’s house in the middle of the night. Why do you have your gun drawn? [Laughs.]

elliott

It is a scene designed to create suspense in the viewer, but it is dumb suspense. [Dan laughs.] Because you’re like, “Who’s breaking into his house? Uh-oh! Oh, it’s his old friend. Who was supposed to be there. So why didn’t he just go to the front door and be like, ‘Hey, I’m here!’”

dan

His old friend, who I assume was going to betray him, ‘cause it’s, y’know, Thomas Jane and he’s an old friend of the lead—but y’know, he’s—we find out he’s true blue. So.

stuart

I also love the idea that Tom Jane would show up and he’s like, “Mm, just keeping ya honest! Just keeping your skills sharp!” [Multiple people laugh.] So they sit down and Tom Jane smokes a pipe and he— [Laughs.] Y’know, like, you expect him to do. And he basically just shows up so he can explain to our hero that our hero is cool and tough and has a long history and owes people money, yadda, yadda, yadda. [Dan laughs.]

dan

Yeah. It’s literally a conversation of two people saying back and forth things that they already know [through laughter] about one another.

elliott

Yeah. And that we already know! A lot of it.

stuart

Yeah. That’s kinda what happens when I go over to see Dan at Dan’s house. Y’know it’s been a while, obviously, due to social distancing. But a lot of it’s just us sitting out on the porch, me just telling Dan, Dan stuff? [Elliott laughs.] It’s cool.

dan

Yeah. I’m like to Stuart, I’m like, “As you know, you own a bar. So you’re intimately familiar with—" [Elliott laughs.]

crosstalk

Dan: “—the management of taverns.” Stuart: I’m like, that’s true.

stuart

You’re super observant! That’s how you were able to notice that! [Dan laughs.] So we—y’know, we’re aboard the money plane. They get—our heroes are—

elliott

I think we should mention—I’m sure this is kind of—it’s—take it for granted—Jack is an amazing dad and father. His family loves him. Thomas Jane is there to watch his family while he’s heisting this money plane. But as—

stuart

And Jack also has a gambling problem. Right? That he—that was part of why he has a big debt is that he had a gambling problem. Which—obviously—degenerate gamblers, etcetera, etcetera.

elliott

And that makes robbing a casino a real issue for him in theory? Because in practice it doesn’t seem to be.

stuart

It doesn’t matter at all. So they get aboard the money plane. They’re walking around the money plane lounge. You know it’s nice because it’s got a lava lamp! [All laugh.] There’s a collection of real rogues on there. You have some arms dealers. You have—I don’t know what this woman’s job is, but she mentions that she used to chop off people’s arms.

elliott

She is not white. And she is mysterious. And that’s all we need to know to know that she’s evil.

stuart

Yeahhh.

elliott

That she is some kind of evil crime boss from another—either a distant land or some part of America that Trump has not fixed yet. And it’s a real—it’s a real, uh… I dunno. It’s a problem. It’s the one super-problematic thing, I feel like, in the movie. Other than the disparaging of crocodile-human love, which—hey! Y’know what? As long as no one’s getting hurt? You will get hurt. A crocodile will eat you. But otherwise, as long as no one’s getting hurt? If the crocodile’s into it? Go ahead. That’s what I say.

dan

Now, I’d like to go into—y’know, I’ve got some problems with the business of the money plane. And I think— [Elliott laughs.] —that this is the time— [through laughter] where it’s best to get into it. Because the money plane, obviously, it offers two types of betting. It has your traditional casino games, only with, y’know, less oversight. Like I assume there’s—y’know, it’s a high-stakes in a way that—even beyond what a casino might allow. Whatever.

stuart

And this is all explained by Joey Lawrence, who plays the role of the concierge, who has a strange kind of bowl cut. Yep. Go on.

dan

And then there’s a bunch of like Hostel, Hostel II style, like, people getting like murdered or whatever.

crosstalk

Dan: That you can bet on that shit, too. Stuart: Blood sports, yeah.

dan

Okay. So here’s the thing. I—like, I feel like the movie needs to commit to one or the other. ‘Cause a high-stakes casino in the air to avoid, like, oversight… that I can almost buy as a dumb action premise? But as you say, Elliott, like—if they’re already like killing people on the ground, I don’t think they would bother with this whole plane business. They would just get [through laughter] like a warehouse somewhere and have a casino where they bet on it. Especially, like, we see this big like money plane terminal [through laughter] when they’re taking off?

crosstalk

Stuart: It’s true. Yep. Uh-huh. Dan: And I’m like, how is that funded? I think that like the blood sports— [Laughs.] Yeah. [Elliott laughs.] Elliott: It is a very openly well-branded secret high-stakes air casino.

dan

I mean, yeah. Their iPads all have like a little bug that says “Money Plane” on it?

elliott

When they’re watching the blood sports there’s Money Plane branding in the background? In the arenas, too?

dan

So there’s all that. Like, I really think that the only reason they added the blood sports to the movie is to justify our heroes going around murdering all of these people? Which, y’know, we’ve already seen them shooting at security guards. So if we’re gonna buy into these as like people we care about? I think that ship has already sailed. But anyway.

elliott

I mean, the only way it could be dumber and less sensicle is if it was a prison on a plane that they had to break into—

crosstalk

Stuart: Holy shit, Elliott. Sky jail. It’s like, “Con Air.” Elliott: —and break someone out. Which I think there—is there a movie where they do that? Dan: Elliot—Elliott—Elliott, I don’t know if there’s a movie where they do that, but I was actually—there’s one time I was [through laughter] pondering writing a parody—

dan

—screenplay and the idea was that it was a jail on a plane that never, like, [through laughter] landed? [Elliott laughs.] They just kept refueling in the air.

stuart

Fuck yeah. That sounds awesome.

elliott

But Dan, I think you’re forgetting the main selling point of Money Plane. Which is—yeah, you love to gamble. They also have fine food. Fine dining and drinks. I think it’s an open bar, which I know you’re big on, Dan, ‘cause if you go to a wedding that’s not an open bar you hold onto that resentment for years. [Dan laughs.] ‘Til it warps kinda your soul around this win of just being mad at this—

crosstalk

Elliott: —not open bar. Yeah. Dan: [Laughs.] And then I find myself betting on blood sports just to get an open bar. Stuart: Yeah.

elliott

But it has blood sports. It’s got regular gambling, which—yes—you can do anywhere. Don’t forget there’s also a grand suite. You can take one of the very—y’know, kind of low-energy—prostitutes who are on board to.

crosstalk

Stuart: [Through laughter] Wow. Wow. Nice critique, dude. Dan: [Laughs.] I don’t know why you need to give them a performance review. [Laughs.] Elliott: And—what? And all—

elliott

But this is what you could do. And all—I’m just saying, half of the job is showmanship. But—and— [Dan laughs.]

crosstalk

Stuart: [Through laughter] Wow. Elliott: —all of these super—

elliott

And all of these super-wealthy bad guys get to share that one suite! So— [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] I don’t know what the turndown service is like? I don’t know how often they’re changing the sheets? But yes—you, too, can have sex on the sweat stains left over from another criminal having sex in that same room. And I think that’s one of the real draws is the closeness you get when you’re sharing a grand suite with all these other people that you can barely stand in the lobby.

crosstalk

Dan: [Through laughter] I guess— Stuart: What’s nice is—

stuart

What’s nice is that it—just hearing Elliott describe that implies that Elliott sweats a lot while he makes love, and I’m glad that I know that about my friend. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

I mean, if you don’t, you’re not doing it right.

crosstalk

Stuart: Oh, wow. Cool. Yeah. Dan: [Laughs.] Wow. Elliott: Right? I mean, what are you holding back ‘cause it’s the matinee?

elliott

Give your all! [Multiple people laugh.] Give you the full performance! Come on!

stuart

Yeah. That’s a— [through laughter] that’s a good point, Elliott. Thank you. [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

Leave it all on the field. Y’know? What—you waiting for the Super Bowl?

stuart

Yeah, 110%. [All laugh.]

dan

Oh. Nothing I was gonna say is better than that, so let’s move on. [Laughs.]

stuart

Okay. So—as I said—Joey Lawrence comes out. He explains all the rule. An actor who I think was on an episode of The Sopranos or something shows up and he’s, like, he’s like the rule master and he’s like, “Riddle me this, fellows!” [Multiple people laugh.] And he’s got an iPad that has all the bets on it.

elliott

That’d be great if there’s a Batman villain called the Rulemaster who’d obsessed with rules— [Dan laughs.] —and he follows all of them. Never commits any crimes. And so he’s always like, “You’ll never take me, Batman!” [Elliott laughs.] And Batman’s like, “I have no reason to!” [Laughs.]

dan

What if he’s Batman’s villain because he—what he does is he keeps getting [through laughter] Batman convicted of crimes? [Multiple people laugh.] ‘Cause Batman isn’t following the rules?

elliott

Yeah. He’s the ultimate Bat-villain for Batman. The Rulemaster. Who is like, “Mm. Rule me this, Batman! You aren’t licensed to beat up those mental patients that escaped!” [Dan laughs.] “I’m bringing you under citizens’ arrest!” And he’s like, “Commissioner Gordon, you can’t let him citizens’ arrest me.” And Commissioner Gordon’s like, “Eh, well I’ve been letting you just citizens’ arrest criminals for years, so I think I just—"

crosstalk

Elliott: “So I’m not a hypocrite, I gotta go with it.” I was talking to— Dan: [Laughs.] “I think he’s got us, Batman! It’s been nice working with ya!” [Laughs.]

elliott

I was talking to somebody recently whose child was very into Batman, and they had an issue with it. And I could totally understand that since Batman is essentially—

stuart

An issue of the comic book? [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Yeah. He—well I had a— [Laughs.] Had a problem with—found out he had a problem with Batman and I was like, “Yeah, well, I mean—on its face, Batman is someone using violence to deal with serious mental health issues. Yeah, I get it. That’s a problem.”

dan

Well, and also a billionaire—like, that was my problem. I—just for like cheap kicks? I tried watching that Six Underground movie on Netflix knowing that I was not gonna like it. But like the premise of that is like Ryan Reynolds is a billionaire and he gets like—and because he’s a billionaire he assembles this team to like… mete out justice around the world? And I’m like, “Oh, okay, so you’re a [through laughter] private citizen like toppling regimes and you’re the hero of our movie.” [Elliott laughs.]

stuart

Yeah.

crosstalk

Dan: Anyway. Take that, Six Underground. Elliott: So anyway. So we know—

elliott

So I think we’ve established why the Money Plane is where you should take your next vacation when the pandemic is over.

stuart

Uh-huh. So we get this action started. We have a game of pretty traditional Texas Hold-‘em, where, y’know, a bunch of people are playing cards. Jack sits down. He talks a little shit with this evil guy who’s an arms dealer. And we find out that Jack’s cover is a dead human trafficker, which is weird. And it feels—

elliott

Are you gonna mention Matthew Lawrence’s role as The Cowboy?

stuart

He does—Matthew—he—I guess he shows up during the game, right? Matthew Lawrence shows up playing a—like, a Texas cowboy guy. Of course, Texas Hold ’em, of course he’s there to play. And he plays this—let’s say he plays this character fairly broadly? [Elliott laughs.]

dan

Yeah. And he plays it with like a moustache he got from like a Ricky’s? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]

stuart

Uh-huh. Yep. No costume budget too small. Um— [Multiple people laugh.] —so they—yeah. They play this game of Texas Hold ‘em. It kind of feels like this scene was shot and edited by somebody who has heard of Texas Hold ‘em? [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.] But like—and they—y’know, they shoot the whole thing with like a pulsing synth soundtrack and you’re like, “I guess this is supposed to be exciting? I don’t quite know what’s going on.” Like, they don’t really indicate what’s happening until one person wins. After one round of poker, Jack has had too much. He transfers all his funds to his associate, Mr. McGillicuddy, who’s actually Trey. And then Trey is gonna play for him. Trey plays and of course wins a whole bunch of money and everybody’s starting to think—this Mr. McGillicuddy  is more than what he seems. Although they don’t actually—I mean, they just think he’s really lucky or something? We’ll get to that later.

elliott

Yes. He has an amazing run of luck throughout the movie and everyone just takes it [through laughter] at face value. [Dan laughs.]

stuart

Yeah. From this point on, Jack—

elliott

Which, to be honest, it is. Like, he’s not rigging any of these games. So like he is just incredibly—he’s wasting his luck on this stuff!

stuart

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He should be a long shot. So Jack—at this point, Jack and Isabella both slip away and nobody really wonders where they go? And they have no—no one is watching them anymore. [Dan laughs.] Their distraction has worked. They can now operate with impunity. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]

dan

And what was the distraction? [Laughs.]

crosstalk

Stuart: I guess the distraction was— Elliott: The distraction is—

stuart

—he lost a game of poker? [Dan laughs.]

dan

[Through laughter] I’m —I would’ve been very distracted.If someone I didn’t know lost a game of poker. [Laughs.]

stuart

I think what they did was they had—

crosstalk

Elliott: We all would be. We all would be. Stuart: —they left their goofy friend, Mr.—

stuart

—with a funny name, Mr.— [Dan laughs.] —once again, hilarious. They leave Mr. McGillicuddy there and everybody’s so taken with him that they don’t pay attention to his beefier companion. So Isabella sneaks away. She finds a secret stash and then one of the creepy arms dealer guys starts to stalk her and they talk shit. Trey—under the guise of Mr. McGillicuddy—is forced into playing a game of Russian Roulette with Matthew Lawrence.

elliott

Now here’s something where they—they really never explain to her what the game is that he’s about to—what the game—they never explain what the game is that he’s about to play. And I feel like that is… not—a casino not doing its job properly. If they’re like, “Hey, you wanna bet on a game?” “Yeah, sure! I love games!” “Okay! Everybody get ready! You ready to bet?” “Sure.” “How much you gonna bet?” “This much, I guess?” “Okay. Here it is. It’s Russian Roulette.” And he’s like, “Well, can I leave?” “No. You can’t do that.” [Dan laughs.]

stuart

The thing about Russian Roulette being the game is that feels like counter to everything that casinos are built on. [Laughs.] Like—

crosstalk

Dan: Yeah. You’re eliminating a customer. Stuart: Like, casinos—casinos are like—

stuart

We need to keep you betting and at the table as long as possible. ‘Fuck, you can smoke. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Free booze? Here’s the free booze. Just keep betting. We need ya to do that. And I feel like the idea of like, “No, just— [Laughs.] Just ‘die.” Seems wrong. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] Like, you can’t bet if you’re a ghost! …Or can you? [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Hmmmm!

dan

I wish listeners could see the way Stuart [through laughter] put his fingers to his chin and looked off into the distance.

elliott

Mm. So some sort of ghost casino is what you’re pondering right now. [Dan laughs.]

stuart

Yep. That’s what I was conjuring with my necromancy.

dan

I mean, I think it’s a better business model than a— [Laughs.] Than a money plane. But—

stuart

Harsh words. Well, we’ll check the box office when I write my screenplay for Ghost Casino. Okay. So. Jack and Isabella beat up the pilots. Jack fights one of the pilots for an extraordinarily long time and then he takes the stick. From—

crosstalk

Dan: But isn’t—doesn’t he— Stuart: Yeah, go on.

dan

—like, get like—then there’s the copilot? Is that there or later?

crosstalk

Elliott: No, no, that’s the—Jack— Stuart: No, so they knock out the first pilot with a single punch.

elliott

The first pilot gets knocked out quick and then he has to fight the copilot for a little bit.

dan

Yeah, and he’s like—and he does this thing where he’s just like, “Oh, yeah, the copilot.” [Elliott laughs.] And I’m like, “What kind of heist leader are you if you didn’t think that a plane had a copilot?”

elliott

Well, and Joey Lawrence says multiple times throughout, “We hired the best pilots in the world.”

stuart

Yeah! Plural!

elliott

And I kept thinking that they were gonna like set up that there’s gonna be some sort of emergency and he’s gonna have to suddenly do some fancy flying and Joey Lawrence will be like, “This isn’t best piloting in the world!” But it never is an issue.

stuart

Well you know—he not only says that, but he also specifies that he used to be one of the pilots. [Dan laughs.] So you’re like, “This has gotta matter, right?’ [Dan laughs.]

elliott

He’s like, “I hired them all because I am a pilot.” It’s like, alright.

stuart

Like you would think he’d be like, “I can tell from the way the plane’s moving—we’re leaving international airspace!” But no, that doesn’t happen.

elliott

I wonder if that’s just there so that people don’t ask the question, “Hey, when the good guys parachute out and leave no pilots flying the plane, is everyone on board gonna die?” That you just know Joey Lawrence can go in and take over.

stuart

That’s a good question. Or the idea that they’re like, “I think it’s important that you establish the corporate structure of the money plane and how one can advance within that corporate structure?” [All laugh.]

elliott

He’s like, “In case anyone is wondering—this is not the kind of company where you are pigeonholed. I was a pilot. One of the best in the world, yes, but I wanted more! The actual flying wasn’t really interesting to me. I wanted to get into management. And money plane provided me with the opportunities. Management training. A fast-track. And y’know, yes, was it a little bit that I got along with the bosses? I’m sure. Did I have some advantages in being—let’s face it—"

crosstalk

Elliott: “A cis-hetero white man?” Stuart: [Through laughter] “Brothers with the scriptwriter?”

elliott

And also brothers with the scriptwriter. [Laughs.] And director.’’ [Dan laughs.] “Yes. But in the end, money plane gave me—” This is a recruitment video for money plane.

crosstalk

Elliott: They show at colleges to get people to apply for jobs at money plane. Stuart: Uh-huh. He’s like, “Maybe even you, too.” Dan: I mean, like—that’s—that’s the ironic thing.

stuart

“Even your career can… blossom.”

crosstalk

Dan: Nice. Nice. Elliott: Ohhhh! Stuart: Then he puts on his sunglasses.

dan

I was just gonna say, that’s the ironic thing about money plane is they kill all these people, but it is a really, y’know, sort of forward-thinking, workers-first environment. Y’know. Like it’s a good company. An ethical company otherwise.

elliott

Oh yeah. I mean, it’s an employee-owned company. We have to assume, since we never see anybody else who’s involved with it at all.

dan

[Through laughter] Yeah, that’s true.

elliott

Which makes it even stranger that they would just let a flight attendant on that they’ve never met before— [Dan laughs.] And— [Laughs.] Just be part of the staff that day.

stuart

So after beating up the pilots and stuffing them in a toilet—

elliott

Wait. Unless they think it’s an Undercover Boss scenario and they’re like, “We’ve never seen the mysterious owner, J.R. Moneyplane. Perhaps this flight attendant we’ve never met is the boss in disguise as a flight attendant to see how we do! Everybody? Extra good today! Be on your toes! That might be our boss that you’re working with!” That could be what’s going on.

stuart

I mean, I can only assume they expected Matthew Lawrence’s character to be the undercover boss ‘cause that’s like an Undercover Boss level costume he’s wearing. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

His droopy fake moustache and his big cowboy hat? Yeah.

stuart

Yeah. His, like, Yosemite Sam cosplay?

elliott

I think they probably knew it was not an Undercover Boss scenario when he killed himself.

stuart

That’s—well, I mean, a real Undercover Boss is gonna take it to the next level. [Elliott laughs.]

dan

We didn’t get to the Roulette! What happened, I guess?

elliott

Oh, yeah. At the end of Russian Roulette, there’s a—we didn’t talk about this? There’s a big argument about who’s gonna shoot first and Mr. McGillicuddy is really hemming and hawing and stalling. And—

stuart

Wow. And you’re like, “Oh man, shit or get off the pot, guy!” [Laughs.]

elliott

Yeah. And that’s basically what The Cowboy says. And he says, “Fine. I’ll do it.” And with the first hit takes his own life in this game. Which—

dan

And obviously this was kind of a funny scene, them just pushing the gun back and forth and him finally getting impatient and blowing his brains out right away. And insomuch as I liked any of Money Plane, like, sort of genuinely rather than ironically? I kind of did appreciate the McGillicuddy storyline, which is just, y’know, escalating, horrifying blood sports [through laughter] that he keeps winning money on and him being super uncomfortable with that.

stuart

I would’ve loved if that was—if they made more of an effort to like play that whole—the humor angle of that up. But they did not. So Jack takes over control. He sets up his little laptop, and he’s talking with his team over earpieces, which is pretty funny ‘cause like, they’re all on a plane together and they’re all, like, pretty clearly [through laughter] talking into an earpiece. [Elliott laughs.] But nobody seems to care. And then he gives his old pal The Rumble a FaceTime call. They talk some shit. It’s great. Y’know—

elliott

There’s a thing where he’s like, “We need codenames. We shouldn’t call each other by our names.” And for some reason this guy who calls himself “The Rumble” does not take The Rumble as his codename. [All laugh.]

stuart

Yeah. Y’know, if somebody googled “The Rumble” they’d find him. So he had to come up with a different name. The Colonel. Okay. So. Yeah. Trey gets pulled into betting into more of these blood sports. There’s like a man versus a cobra; a guy chops off a guy’s arm. I don’t quite know what the bet was there? Maybe how long it was gonna take him to do it?

elliott

That was the weird thing is it was almost like, which one of them is gonna crack first and chop off the other one’s arm? [Dan laughs.]

crosstalk

Dan: Yes. 100%. Elliott: But it doesn’t—I couldn’t tell—

elliott

And after he does it, he looks at the camera like, “Yeah. I did it. Okay.” It’s very hard to tell what the event is that they’re betting on.

dan

I wonder if he is getting… paid or offered money and they’re seeing how much money it’ll take him to crack and chop off his friend’s arm? I don’t know.

crosstalk

Stuart: Yeah. To kill his—yeah. Elliott: Oh, possibly. Maybe. Yeah.

stuart

There’s piranhas eating a guy. All kinds of stuff. And McGillicuddy, he just can’t stop winning. He wins everything. And people are starting to get a little bit annoyed by this.

elliott

Specifically that arms dealer that we met before.

stuart

The arms dealer who already has an antagonistic relationship with our heroes. Okay. So Isabella gets—

elliott

And the arms—wait. I would like to mention—sorry.

crosstalk

Stuart: No, it’s fair. Elliott: A special mention to the arms dealer’s best friend—

elliott

—a guy who is—I guess—supposed to be like his muscle thug? But he looks like… somebody’s kind of deadbeat uncle from Miami. Who is just like… coming up to visit for a family reunion and everybody’s like, “Okay. Alright. Okay. Gary’s here. Okay. Everybody just like—let’s be on our—let’s just hope Gary doesn’t make a big scene.” “Who’d he bring with him?” “Okay, yeah. It’s the lady from the rental car place. Okay. He wanted to make it seem like he has a relationship in his life so he just picked up the lady from the rental car place.” [Dan laughs.] “And brought her here.” “Uh, okay. Is he staying somewhere?” “He’s staying in the car.” “Okay, well that’s—alright. Well, that’s Gary!”

stuart

“Makes sense! I mean, it’s making the most out of his time.”

crosstalk

Elliott: But this guy just looks like a total sleazy loser but I think he’s supposed to be like a tough guy. Stuart: And he seems very eager for violence to break out.

stuart

Like he seems like he’s really aggressive. But when he actually has to start fighting— [Laughs.] Well, it doesn’t look like he’s ever fought before in his life. [All laugh.] Cool. So—

elliott

It’s almost like—you kinda are waiting for the twist where it turns out that this arms dealer and his friend are also two guys who tricked their way onto the money plane and they thought it would be a cool bachelor party story. But they’re way in over their heads. Y’know.

stuart

Yeah. That’d be a great side story.

elliott

And then it turns out all the other criminals are also people who got there under false pretenses and the concierge is like, “Is anyone actually here for the money plane?”

crosstalk

Elliott: “Are they any genuine money plane criminals?” Dan: Yeah. [Laughs.] Stuart: That’s a very Tales from the Mos Eisley Money Plane. [Elliott laughs.]

dan

Guys, I just figured out a way, I think, that this movie would work better. And I think it’s because they’re so close to being there already? Like, these… these heisters like come off as like a real group of like goofballs? Kind of unprepared goofballs? And I think it would be much—like, more fun to watch like a heist movie where it’s like, the underdogs [through laughter] do a heist? Like, the underdogs have to do this money plane heist?

elliott

So it’s like Animal House meets Money Plane? [Dan laughs.]

dan

Yeah. But without all the—

crosstalk

Dan: —the shit. Yeah. Stuart: The gross stuff, yeah.

elliott

Or like The Big Green meets Money Plane? Like, they’re kids?

crosstalk

Dan: Yeah! Yeah, exactly! A kid heist. Elliott: Like, they’re the underdog—or Little Giants?

elliott

Little Giants meets Money Plane?

stuart

Sandlot meets Money Plane.

elliott

The Sandlot meets Money Plane, or—yeah. Or like Fievel Goes West meets Money Plane. Nobody expects these cartoon mice to be able to [through laughter] pull of a heist on the money plane!

stuart

I wouldn’t count ‘em out.

elliott

It’s like Finding Nemo meets Money Plane? [Dan laughs.] Like, Nemo’s gotta get into the fish tank on the plane? But once there, how is he gonna get out of the tank and steal all that cryptocurrency? Billion dollars in cryptocurrency, y’know.

stuart

So… while she’s wandering around looking for the mainframe, Isabella gets surprised by some kind of hired goon. She gets some Southern rock put on the playlist— [Dan laughs.] —and then she beats up the goon and rips off his ears and tosses his body— [Multiple people laugh.] —in the toilet again.

dan

[Through laughter] And that’s—I mean, like, she tells, like, the main guy to jam all the frequencies because she doesn’t want like this guy to alert any of the other security. And I guess that the way to jam the frequencies is to put this Southern rock on?

elliott

Well and also she’s gonna use it to take advantage for the most half-hearted, “I’m gonna try to seduce the thug” moment before she decides, “Y’know what? Forget it.” And rips his ears off [through laughter] of his head. [Dan laughs.]  

stuart

Yep. Rips ‘em right off and then puts him in the toilet with the pilots. So— [All laugh.] So we find out from Tom Jane, who gives them a phone call-and once again, I gotta say, the reception on the money plane is fucking incredible.

elliott

It’s amazing. It is crystal clear. The images are super clear. They never have a dropped moment.

crosstalk

Stuart: There’s no lag. It’s amazing. Elliott: The reception is so much—

elliott

It’s so much better than the reception in my own house. Which is on the ground!

stuart

Yeah, well, you’re not a money plane.

elliott

I’m not on a money house or an air house? My house is not in international air.

crosstalk

Elliott: It is very much in Los Angeles County. All houses are, Dan. Dan: Is your house a money pit? Is it a money pit? Stuart: Yup.

elliott

They’re all money pits. Mine, literally. Because mine is a pit that I live in with all my money and I’m like a troll— [Dan laughs.] —and it’s just skulls and bones of people who’ve tried to steal my riches from me. Or even just people who’ve walked by the pit and I’ll just reach out and pull ‘em in and eat them. ‘Cause I’m a money pit troll.

stuart

Oh, that’s cool. [Dan laughs.] Do you ever like dig into the ground and pull out little Uruk-hais and those Uruk-hais are like, “Aw, man flesh!” And you’re like, “Not yet! Chill out, dude! It’s not dinner time!”

elliott

Uh, do I have children?

crosstalk

Elliott: Yes. I am a dad and that is how I made them. Stuart: That’s what I’m trying to say, yeah. [Laughs.]

elliott

Was I dug into the ground to make my Uruk-hai Orc children. Yeah, sure. And I said, “Ah, meat’s on the menu!” And they’re like, “What’s a menu?” And I’m like, “No, no, it’s okay. It’s the 21st century. You know what a menu is.” [Dan laughs.]

stuart

I mean, you don’t have to bring that up. It’s kind of well-worn territory. [Elliott laughs.] So—

elliott

I wish in Lord of the Rings they’d be like— [Laughs.] They’d gone, “All, looks like meat’s back at the drive-thru!” [Multiple people laugh.] It’d be like, “Wait, so hold on—"

stuart

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Special Edition makes it even weirder? [Dan laughs.] Keeps doubling down on anachronisms?

elliott

“Looks like we’ll be having meat at this Benihana and they’ll cook it tableside!” [Dan laughs.] So, Benihana exists in the Lord of the Rings universe? Okay! That’s—

stuart

I mean, I’m glad for them. I guess things are moving up in the Circle of Orthanc. [Multiple people laugh.] Uh, cool. So Tom Jane reveals to our hero that they were actually double-crossed and they were double-crossed by The Rumble. That was his painting all along and he just moved it. And they’re like, “Well, we don’t wanna get double-crossed again.” Yeah. So—

dan

I don’t like that this painting wasn’t a Monet? So it could also be a Monet plane.

crosstalk

Dan: I think they left one behind on that one. Stuart: That would’ve been great. Elliott: Oh, wow.

elliott

They left a lot of Monet on the table with that one. [Stuart laughs.] And then they also would have Billy Idol on the plane, performing “Monet, Monet.” [Dan laughs.] Yeah.

dan

You could probably get him.

stuart

So the evil arms dealer— [Elliott laughs.] —and his goon use this moment to pounce. Trey is working on the—they have found the—what—the hard drive? Whatever. They’re downloading the cryptocurrency and the arms dealer and his goon attack Trey and Isabella at this point. Isabella manages to totally annihilate this— [Elliott laughs.] —dude who’s never fought before.

elliott

Does she stab him in the head with a bottle?

stuart

Yeah. It’s—like, it’s so simple. It’s like—whatever, man. And then she—

elliott

That’s one of those things, though, that like—she should not be able to do that. Like, the human skull is so much harder than bottle glass. Like… it must be hurricane force that she is shoving that bottle through the top of his skull.

stuart

Yep. Mm-hm. That was her wrestling name, was Hurricane Force. That was—she was on a wrestling team. A tag-team.

elliott

Yeah. I wish that they had gone goofier with it and she had ripped his moustache off? But they didn’t go that far.

stuart

So then she finds—Ivan is the arms dealer, and he has been beating up Trey, so she kicks him into a computer and he is [through laughter] immediately electrocuted to death.

elliott

Now, there are a lot of issues with this that I just wanna mention. One is, that’s now how computers work? And also, it’d probably break the computer?

crosstalk

Elliott: But I really like— Stuart: More likely to break it than to break him, in this case.

elliott

Yes. But I really enjoyed the moment—‘cause it gave me this moment of being like, “Wait. Hold on. What?” He like, fell into a computer and was electrocuted like a bad guy in like a… monster movie or something like that?

stuart

Yeah. I mean, I’m assuming his consciousness was immediately uploaded into the computer and now he’s flying the money plane.

elliott

That’s possible. Now, according to Wikipedia, the character’s last name is “Voltaic.” So maybe she has power over electricity and it’s just something they didn’t get to in the movie?

stuart

That makes sense, yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Okay. So meanwhile. On the ground. Izzy—the last member of the team—has been kicking back. Just goofing off. Y’know, having a good time. Cracking some brews out in the desert. Just waiting for the money plane to get close enough so that he can download the cryptocurrency. But before that can happen, he gets double-crossed by a kill team sent by The Rumble, I’m assuming, and there’s a little bit of a gunfight. It looks like he’s screwed. And then Plan B rolls around—that’s right! Tom Jane is piloting a tiny little drone with a videogame controller— [Elliott laughs.] —and the drone has a pistol taped to it and he just starts murdering these dudes with a pistol. Which—I gotta say—now that I’ve seen it in action, I do not support drone warfare. [Laughs.]

elliott

Yeah, ‘cause it’s really boring. It’s very boring.

dan

I feel like killing Izzy at this point? Is a bad double-cross move? Like, particularly if he’s kind of in the midst of the thing. Like, y’know, kill him after you know that all of it’s been downloaded.

elliott

These people who are going after Izzy—are they The Rumble’s people, or are they the money plane’s people? ‘Cause we later see a team that the money plane sends out and they seem to be the same people.

stuart

I think that’s a limitation of the budget.

elliott

Okay. That’s possible. Here’s the thing I’m not getting from Kelsey Grammer’s character. It feels to me like either—one—he is throwing obstacles into their paths to force them to become the best that they can be, as kind of like almost a Mr. Miyagi type mentor who is like, “Hey, I’m gonna make this difficult for you so that you get to the next stage.” Like a good teacher who challenges you. Doesn’t just accept your first efforts. Or I’m thinking maybe he’s got an issue about success himself? And doesn’t wanna be successful. And so keeps throwing obstacles in his own path ‘cause he’s afraid of success. Or maybe he just doesn’t wanna rob that money plane that badly.

stuart

I know. I mean, I’m kinda like that—like, sometimes in moments of extreme pressure, I have a tendency to self-sabotage. Y’know, where like I’ll just—I’ll get distracted by something that’s completely not important and I’ll allow that to derail whatever I’m working on. And you know what? I feel like there’s a little bit of The Rumble in me, y’know? [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

Well there’s a little bit of Rumble in all of us. That’s what we learned in The Very Rumble Christmas. [Multiple people laugh.]

dan

Especially, y’know, after I have a big meal, I got a lotta rumble in me.

crosstalk

Stuart: Yeah. So after The Rumble’s kill team is dispatched. The Rumble decides—time to clean up this mess. Elliott: Oh, boy, Dan, wow. Dan, save it for your tweets! [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Save it for your Twitter feed, Dan!

stuart

Oh, I’m sorry. I was summarizing the plot. Did Dan talk about having to take a shit or something? What’s going on? [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Yeah. It was heavily implied. Heavily implied some sort of bowel movement or flatulence.

dan

It could just be a gas thing. Like, it’s not…

stuart

No, I guess you’re right. It could just be the toots. [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Do you think Kelsey Grammer named himself after the Rumble Pak? The thing you would plug into a Nintendo 64 controller?

crosstalk

Dan: Almost certainly. Stuart: I can only assume. Elliott: So it would like shake when Star Fox’s ship got hit?

stuart

Uh-huh. Yep. And what’s the eagle’s name? Who’s the eagle that yells at him? I don’t remember. Somebody’s gonna be mad at me on the internet.

elliott

Like, probably like Eagle Beagle or something. I don’t know what.

stuart

I don’t think that’s it. I think I would remember it ‘cause it rhymes.

elliott

Yeah. Then maybe it’s like Commander Jones.

crosstalk

Stuart: It—something—it’s like, yeah, it’s like Commander Feathers or like— Elliott: Or Richard. Could be Richard.

stuart

—Skyway McGee or something.

elliott

No, that seems too obvious. It’s probably, like, Pablo?

stuart

Mm, I guess. I don’t know. It is—Nintendo does have strange naming conventions. I don’t know.

crosstalk

Elliott: Hold on, let me look it up. Let me see. Now I’m looking it up. Computer’s processing. Stuart: It’s probably Captain Falcon? No—Falcor? It could be. Dan: And also baseball players have weird names these days.

crosstalk

Elliott: Elijah Wood. That’s the name of the eagle in Star Fox. Stuart: Oh! Wow, oh—okay, well. He can kind of do everything.

stuart

So Thomas Jane, of course—I [through laughter] use his full name now—Thomas Jane—

elliott

[Through laughter] It’s so hard to refer to him and not call him by his full name all the time? But—you wanna call him “Tom Jane” ‘cause when you see him you’re like, “Oh, yeah, this guy could be my buddy. Sure. Why not.”

stuart

Yeah. Oh, I mean, he brings something very special to this movie. So he is at home making a pasta dinner and I gotta say—not since watching Stanley Tucc’ make a little pasta dinner at home have I been so hungry— [Elliott laughs.] —and thirsty.

dan

He puts carrots in it for sweetness, which I don’t care for that. In a—

stuart

Oh, no, I’m into it. That’s—yeah. That’s like Madam Matheson.

elliott

No, no. It’s not for sweetness, Dan. That’s for eyesight.

dan

Oh, okay. [Laughs.]

stuart

Oh, interesting.

elliott

Yeah. That’s to help us—and also ‘cause Bugs Bunny is coming over for dinner that night. [Multiple people laugh.] That’s something they cut out of the film.

crosstalk

Stuart: He is a stinker! Elliott: But originally it was like, we have—

elliott

“We have to finish this heist in time because Bugs Bunny is coming over for dinner and I do not wanna miss this.”

stuart

Yeah. That’s true. I mean, having an animated character in your house, alone? That’s crazy.

crosstalk

Stuart: So the goons show up— Elliott: That—let alone making it—

elliott

One of the most famous, most talented animated characters. At all. Like, even if it was Beaky Buzzard, who was barely in any cartoons. Or like, Cool Cat. The worst Looney Tunes character. Who’s just a real piece of shit.

dan

You mean Bertie might stop by. You don’t know.

crosstalk

Elliott: Even Hubie and Bertie, I’d be like, “This is amazing.” And they’d be so annoying. Stuart: Yeah. Or like, Johnny Bravo shows up and I’m like,

stuart

“I don’t really have a nostalgia for you? But I’m still impressed ‘cause you’re [through laughter] an animated character!”

elliott

“You’re a cartoon!” Denver, the last dinosaur, shows up and is just like, “Meh, meh, meh!” And you’re like, “Look. You’re a cartoon so you’re blowing my mind.” The Biker Bice from Mars. I barely know anything about ‘em, but they’re cartoons? It’s gonna be weird to have ‘em show up. Y’know?

stuart

Yeah. It’d change things.

elliott

Let’s say it’s Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, a character that is so boring that Disney has never tried to bring him back in any form as far as I know.

dan

Well, we all know that that was because of a trademark thing.

elliott

You think Disney couldn’t have bought the—you don’t think there wasn’t a point where Disney was so rich he coulda just bought that Oswald trademark that nobody was doing anything with?

dan

I’m reading a biography and actually, like, through a lot of the old Disney studio there’s a lot of financial struggle. They were always kind of on the verge of bankruptcy. Even though today we look at many of those early movies as masterpieces. Hi, I’m Dan McCoy. This has been my Disney history corner.

stuart

Okay. So. Yeah.

elliott

Next episode, Dan will tell us about The Black Cauldron! [Dan laughs.]

stuart

But before any animated characters show up to Tom Jane’s house, a bunch of goons show up and Tom Jane murders all of them. Very quickly.

elliott

And again, not the Compo character The Goon. Which again, would just be like, “Hey. It’s a Compo character showing up at my house. This is crazy.”

stuart

Mm-hm. [Dan laughs.] Uh, so— [Elliott laughs.] They—our heroes have managed to steal all the money. They’re hanging out in the—I guess—cargo hold of the plane. They decide that they’re gonna—you guys—I got a little confused here. But I think they decide they’re gonna give away all the cryptocurrency to charities. And then they’re just gonna give away all the other money. Right?

elliott

They very quickly go—I mean, earlier—this is foreshadowed by, earlier in the movie Jack is reading the story of Robin Hood to his daughter. And tells her it’s okay to steal if you’re stealing from bad people and you share it.

stuart

Oh, is that that hardback, gilt-edged copy of Robin Hood that he keeps in his daughter’s bedroom?

elliott

Yes. Exactly. Exactly. ‘Cause only the best for his little girl. And they—but very quickly are like, “Hey. I feel weird about taking this money.” And they’re like, “Why don’t we use this money and give it to charities for victims of human trafficking?” They keep hitting human trafficking throughout the movie. And one of the people goes—one of the other people goes, “Helping the people that so many of these people have hurt” or something like that. And it was like, “When did—” They suddenly get so incredibly sincere and corny. And it’s a strange moment.

dan

And also, like, they— [Laughs.] They… name off all of these different charities for different things and then the guy’s like, “Yeah.” And he pushes one button and he’s like, “Okay. Did it.” [Through laughter] And I’m like— [Elliott laughs.] “How?” [Laughs.]

crosstalk

Elliott: I think he just stole the money and told his friends that he sent it to charity. Now, what—and what, Stuart, is it— Dan: Yeah, maybe! Stuart: [Through laughter] Yep. “I sent it to my sister, Charity.”

elliott

It is Dead or Alive where they’re stealing all—where they’re killing drug dealers and giving the money to charity?

stuart

Dead or Alive 2 where they’re assassinating them and they—and that’s—the footage of them murdering people is intercut with footage of children in third world countries celebrating. And then they grow angel wings.

dan

Yeah. I’m not even sure that this final Robin Hood turn, though, gets me on these peoples’ side. Especially considering—I don’t think we mentioned it—there was a scene earlier on where the assassin woman, like, smashes a bottle over someone and then stabs him several times in the stomach with the jagged edges and I’m like, “Okay. Well, y’know, like, any idea I had of these people being lovable [through laughter] in any way is gone now.”

stuart

She’s probably done this before.

elliott

She ripped a guy’s ears off. And again, that guy? He was just a security guard on the money plane. Just doing his job. There’s no reason to take his ears off of his head. I don’t think they’re gonna be able to be put back on. It’s not like he’s made out of Legos. Y’know.

crosstalk

Elliott: Maybe just pop ‘em back on. Stuart: And she probably just tossed ‘em down the toilet with the rest of the pilots [through laughter] and stuff. [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Which is going to clog the toilet on the plane, too! You’re not supposed to throw garbage into the toilet on a plane!

stuart

There’s a sign on there that says “No Ears.” [Multiple people laugh.]

dan

What if Kyle MacLachlan —like, the plane got sold to like a [through laughter] normal company. Kyle MacLachlan taking a trip. The clog comes back up. It’s an ear. And he’s like, “Not again.” [Stuart laughs.] “Not again. I don’t have the energy.”

crosstalk

Stuart: That’s a reference we all love. Or Hugh Dancy from Hannibal— Dan: Okay. Well, it’s— [Laughs.]

stuart

—would cough it up. And he’s like, “Op, I can’t throw this away! I guess I’ll put it in my pocket.” [Dan laughs.]

elliott

Or what’s-his-face from Reservoir Dogs who gets his ear cut off. There’s a—

stuart

What’s. His. Face.

crosstalk

Dan: There’s a rich history. Vincent Van Gogh. We could go back to Van Gogh. Stuart: [Laughs.] Ears in cinema. Elliott: Our—our tribute to the removal of ears in art. [Dan laughs.]

stuart

Okay.

elliott

Join us, won’t you? As The Flop House takes a two-hour tour of the great moments of ear removal in human culture.

crosstalk

Elliott: Hi. I’m Elliott—hi, I’m Elliott Kalan from The Flop House. Yeah. It shoulda been “Ear we Van Gogh.” Stuart: Here we Van Gooooogh! I shoulda said “Ear we.” I can’t believe I fucked that up. We’ll wind the tape.

elliott

Okay. Since—ever since the noble earwig first crawled into someone’s ear— [Dan laughs.] —ears have been both a boon and a curse for humans. [Stuart laughs.] We’ve expressed this in many different ways in many different forms. Sculpture. Painting. Film. And also—the actual removal and lacquering of ears to be placed onto wooden boards to be decorated—used as decoration in—I assume—a serial killer’s house.

dan

[Through laughter] Oh, wow.

stuart

And I guess we’d intercut footage of famous ear moments in movies?

crosstalk

Stuart: Like in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan? Yep. Dan: Yeah. Wrath of Khan? Yeah.

elliott

Yeah. Yeah. And then join us next week when we talk about eyes. We’ll talk about Un Chien Andalou and Event Horizon. After that, we’ll talk about noses and we’ll talk about Batman Returns. And—

stuart

There’d probably be that scene from an episode of Double Dare where you have to like pull out a flag from a giant ear that’s filled with something that looks like earwax? It’s just, ugh.

crosstalk

Elliott: I think it’s a big nose full of boogers but maybe it’s an ear? Stuart: So sexy.

elliott

It’s a good thing we’ve got Marc Summers on the line! “Hey, Marc! We got a question for ya.” [Dan laughs.] “On Double Dare, was it an ear or a nose? No, no, I can’t patch the phone into the recording equipment. So you’re just gonna tell me and I’ll tell them. You don’t remember? Can you look it up? Oh, you have someone you can call. Okay. I’ll hold.” He’s calling. He’s got somebody he’s gonna call to find out.

crosstalk

Dan: Okay, well. [Laughs.] Just keep him on the line a little. Stuart: Yeah, yeah, let’s keep him on there. Elliott: Oh, Marc’s—Marc’s—wait, guys.

elliott

Quiet, please. Marc’s back on the line. “Yeah? Yeah, Marc? Oh, they didn’t know either.” [Multiple people laugh.] “Well do you have any like tapes that you could review? They’re in your basement in a box.” [Dan laughs.] “But you’re not sure which box. Okay. Put us back on hold. See if you can find that box.” Okay, so guys, he’s looking in the basement now to see if he can find the box that the tapes are in—

crosstalk

Elliott: —so he can review them. Wait, no, no, no! Wait, no. Marc’s back. Dan: I mean, we should probably just—y’know, like, keep him on the line and move on. [Through laughter] Okay.

elliott

I really wanna get this settled. “Marc? Oh, there was—oh, the basement’s flooded. There’s water damage in the boxes. Oh, and the tapes were ruined. Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Oh, and all your personal memories too? Oh, your wedding tape. Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

stuart

That’s rough.

elliott

“Well, are you insured? Oh, you didn’t—well, you’ll have to see. If the water caused the damage—” [Dan sighs.] “—then it might be insured. But if it’s caused—if it was, say, some other thing related to the water, might be—uh-huh. Yeah. You should handle that.”

stuart

Elliott, tell him about kitty litter!

elliott

“Oh, yeah, have you tried using kitty litter to soak up the water?’

stuart

Yeah. Tell him that.

elliott

“Uh, he’s asking what kitty litter is. You want me to tell him what kitty litter is?”

stuart

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it’s what—

crosstalk

Stuart: It’s like sand that cats take shits in. Elliott: So they’re like granules—

elliott

“It’s like sand that you put in like a box for a cat to go to the bathroom.” He says that sounds disgusting. “But yeah, it does. I mean—yeah. It’s a weird thing for people to have. Oh—I’m getting another call. Hold on. Yeah?” [Silence.] I lost the call with Marc. Who’s on the other line? Hold on.

dan

[Through laughter] No.

elliott

“Jim? Oh, hey, Jim. Yeah, I was just talking to Marc. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I lost the call. His basement got flooded. I know. Terrible. Right? [Laughs.] That’s funny. I wish I could plug you into the recording device so that everyone at home could hear what you’re saying.”

crosstalk

Stuart: Which Jim? Which Jim? Dan: Not since Bob Newhart— [Elliott laughs.]

dan

Has there been such a funny one-sided phone call. [Stuart laughs.]

elliott

Oh, this is Jim Gordon. Commissioner Jim Gordon from—

crosstalk

Dan: Oh, wow. Stuart: Oh, wow.

elliott

“Oh, the Rulemaster’s on your case? Oh, ‘cause you’ve been working with an unlicensed vigilante all this time? Oh, they took your badge. Well, I gotta say, Jim, I warned you this would happen. I mean—"

dan

Jesus.

crosstalk

Elliott: “You’re sending all these people to the asylum ‘cause you couldn’t make the charges stick in jail ‘cause a man in a bat costume was arresting them.” Dan: [Laughs.] Guys, we’re—we’re so close to the end of the synopsis of the— Stuart: Yeah. I got sympathy for him, but y’know.

elliott

“Okay, well, Dan’s starting to get upset. Yeah, we’re recording the podcast right now.” Oh, Dan, Jim says hi.

crosstalk

Dan: Okay. Hi— Elliott: Do you—

elliott

“He said—Dan says ‘hi’ back. Oh, you’ve never met him? You’re just a big fan?” He says—“Okay, well anyway. Jim?” And Stuart, he says he likes you, too.

crosstalk

Stuart: Oh, cool, yeah. Elliott: “Jim? I should finish—oh wait. I’m getting another call.”

crosstalk

Stuart: Did he say “like” or “love?” Elliott: “Marc’s back on the line.” Dan: No. [Laughs.]

elliott

I already lost him. He had to go deal with something.

crosstalk

Elliott: “Mark? Yeah. I think we’re—” Stuart: Oh. I’ll ask him next time.

elliott

“Why don’t you just find—tell me later, okay? Yeah. Okay. Sounds good. Okay. Love you too. Bye.”

crosstalk

Elliott: So guys? We— Dan: Okay. I’m glad we got that squared away.

elliott

So we got it settled. Mark’s basement is flooded. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]

stuart

Oh, yeah, that’s too bad. I hope he tries kitty litter. So—

elliott

So if you have any questions about Double Dare do not to go Marc Summers ‘cause he does not remember it very well.

stuart

So the team—Jack calls up Darius Grouch—The Rumble—and he reveals that, y’know, “Fuck it. We’re double-crossing you. We’re throwing all the money away. You don’t get it.” And then they out Darius to the whole money plane team, revealing that Darius has been trying to screw over the money plane. And then they jump out of a plane door with all the money and the people on the money plane start taking bets as to how long it’s going to take Darius Grouch to die. It seems kind of weird that they just hear a recording of somebody talking shit about the money plane and they’re like, “I guess we gotta kill him!” But, y’know? The money plane’s pretty weird.

dan

Yeah. I mean, they’re not the nicest people on that money plane, so.

stuart

That’s true.

elliott

Dan? You’re speaking truth right there. [Dan laughs.] They are not the nicest people. [Laughs.]

crosstalk

Stuart: So we have footage of some goons driving up— Elliott: Tom Hanks is not on that plane. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]

stuart

There’s footage of some goons driving up and exiting a car. We assume they’re going to The Rumble’s house. There’s no other visual cues. The Rumble shoots his only goon that’s still around. He finds out that Jack has bugged his house. And then he picks up a machine gun and shoots it offscreen and that is a movie wrap for Kelsey Grammer. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]

dan

Yeah. Does he have a cigar while shooting the automatic rifle or did I just put that in my head?

crosstalk

Stuart: It’s a tough one. I don’t remember. But it sounds correct. Elliott: I can’t remember.

elliott

Now, his henchmen is named something like P. Roach or something like that. Right?

stuart

Yup.

elliott

He’s like, “P. Roach, come on. You can’t go.” But the—I guess he’s named after the famous detective, Hercule Peeroach.” But the—there’s something very—

dan

Or the band Papa Roach. [Elliott laughs.]

stuart

I can only assume it’s short for “Papa Roach.”

elliott

He just picks up a gun and starts firing it and I think you’re supposed to assume that the wet works team that’s taking him out has entered the house. But it could be funny if he’s like, “I better spray some bullets in here and then the guys driving up will think I was shot already.” [Stuart laughs.] “Maybe they’ll hear it and they just won’t bother to come in the house.” [Dan laughs.]

stuart

Yeah. They got scooped by a different team. So we assume he’s dead. We don’t know. We get—like—what? A couple months later chyron on the screen. We find out that they have stolen the painting they were trying to steal in the beginning. And they sold it for a whole lotta money. The end. Everybody’s happy. Yippee!

elliott

Wait. Did we mention—Stuart—I can’t remember. Did you mention that when he picks up the gun he says, “Rumble time”?

stuart

I didn’t. He says, “Welcome to the original Rumble pack.” And then he starts shooting his gun. [All laugh.] Uh, cool. So that was Money Plane, guys! And—yeah. We get some hot, hot rock music at the end. We’re leaving this movie pumped. Y’know, we walk out of the movie theater. The sun hits our eyes, blinding us briefly, but you know what? We’re just so happy! We’re on a fucking adrenaline rush. We get in our cars. We pop in some tunes into the tape deck.

elliott

We’re like, “Where’s the real money plane? ‘Cause it seems to me like the real money plane was the friends you made along the way.”

stuart

That’s true, yeah.

dan

Yeah. And we’re at 1:25 on this recording.

stuart

Jesus.

dan

Now we messed around for maybe 10 or 15 minutes at the beginning, so we’re even shorter. But this is the first time we are at approximately the length of the movie we watched, which was like around 80 minutes or something. So.

stuart

I don’t think we fucked around at all! I feel like we were pretty much— [Dan sighs.] —strict to the plot on this one. But, y’know.

elliott

Yeah. I mean, there was—maybe I spent like 10 seconds calling up Marc Summers to find out. But I think everybody would agree that that was time well spent?

stuart

And the advice I usually get from professional podcasters is, if you wanna increase your listenership, just make your episodes super fucking long. [Elliott laughs.]

dan

No, no, no, no, no.

elliott

Make ‘em super long—

dan

If anything, I was complimenting us on not doing something that is longer than the actual movie.

elliott

I mean, the episode’s not done, Dan.

dan

That’s true. So in the interests of that, let’s do Final Judgments. Whether this is a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie you kinda liked. I will make an admission, guys—I’ve actually seen, at this point, Money Plane two times. That is because during this pandemic, y’know, a lot of people are having watch-alongs? Self-isolated watch-alongs where they chat over the internet while watching a movie together. A bad movie group of folks that I’m pals with did Money Plane. And—

stuart

That’s the movie we just watched though, right? Money Plane? Okay.

dan

The movie we just watched. So when I watched it the first time, I could barely follow what was going on ‘cause I was chatting and making jokes and having a drink and whatnot while—it was not the conducive atmosphere to actually following the plot. And then this second time I actually paid attention to everything that was going on. And the second time… I thought the movie was just kind of dumb in ways that annoyed me. But the first time, I had a great time. And that’s really the way you should watch a bad movie, is with friends. So I’m gonna say it’s probably a good movie to watch with friends. A funny movie. And like some bad movies, y’know, you think they’re funny because they’re so totally off in, like, understanding what a movie is? Sometimes the great thing about it is like, every decision is made wrong and you’re like, “Who thought about this?” And like pondering the decisions is what’s fun about it. And then sometimes there’s movies like Money Plane, which I think, like… has a dumb enough high-concept premise that it could’ve been a Hollywood blockbuster if they threw, like… y’know, tens of millions more dollars at it and had a 75% smarter script.

stuart

Or had Kelsey Grammer for a second day.

dan

Yeah. So— [Elliott laughs.] —what’s kind of funny about a movie like Money Plane is seeing how close it is to something that could be [through laughter] actual entertainment— [Elliott laughs.] —but how they fuck it up. So I say good-bad, I guess. Is what I’m saying.

elliott

Well it sounds like you’re recommending the movie as a good-bad watch, but even more that you’re recommending friendship.

crosstalk

Dan: Yeah. Stuart: Mm-hm.

stuart

Yeah. I’ll back ya up. I think that’s a good-bad movie. I think it—I also have watched it twice. [Laughs.]

dan

Oh, wow.

stuart

Yeah—well ‘cause I watched it— [Elliott laughs.] —I thought we were recording a week earlier so I watched it [through laughter] last week? [Multiple people laugh.] And then I’m like, “I better review this. My brain doesn’t work very well and my notes are terrible.” But yeah. It’s a dumb, dumb movie. [Dan laughs.] Yeah. [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

I feel—I would also call it a good-bad. I feel like the one thing we really didn’t get across in our discussion is how cheap the whole movie looks? And how flimsy? And there’s a lot of fun to be had enjoying that. It’s like the first few minutes in, I was like, “Ohhh. Right. I haven’t seen a movie that looks this cheap in a long time and yet still has some kind of professional gloss to it.” So I would also say it’s a good-bad movie. I mean, but don’t—I mean, take my word with a grain of salt. I’ve only seen Money Plane once. [Stuart laughs.]

stuart

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re a newbie. That’s what we call you.

elliott

Yeah, yeah.

elliott

Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.

promo

Music: “Baby You Change Your Mind” by Nouvellas. Rileigh Smirl: I'm Rileigh Smirl. Sydnee McElroy: I'm Sydnee McElroy. Teylor Smirl: And I'm Teylor Smirl. Sydnee: And together, we host a podcast called Still Buffering, where we answer questions like... Rileigh: Why should I not fall asleep first at a slumber party? Teylor: How do I be fleek? Sydnee: Is it okay to break up with someone using emojis? Teylor: And sometimes we talk about buuutts! Rileigh: Nooo, we don't! Nope! [Sydnee and Teylor laugh.] Sydnee: Find out the answers to these important questions and many more on Still Buffering, a sisters' guide to teens through the ages. Rileigh: I am a teenager. Sydnee & Teylor: And I... was... too. Teylor: Butts, butts, butts, butts butts! Rileigh: No... [Laughs.] Music: Baby, you change your mind Far too many times Over and over again Over and over again [Music fades out.]

promo

[A quick, energetic drumroll.] Music: Exciting techno music plays. Jarrett Hill: Hey, I’m Jarrett Hill, co-host of the brand-new Maximum Fun podcast, FANTI! Tre’vell Anderson: And I’m Tre’vell Anderson. I’m the other, more fabulous co-host, and the reason you really should be tuning in! Jarrett: I feel the nausea rising. Tre’vell: To be FANTI is to be a big fan of something, but also have some challenging or “anti” feelings toward it. Jarrett: Kind of like Kanye. Tre’vell: We’re all fans of Kanye. He’s a musical genius, but, like, you know… Jarrett: He thinks slavery’s a choice. Tre’vell: Or, like, The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Like, I love the drama, but do I wanna see black women fighting each other on screen? [Singing.] Hell to the naaaaw. To the naw-naw-naaaw. Jarrett: We’re tackling all of those complex and complicated conversations about the people, places, and things that we love. Tre’vell: Even though they may not love us back. Jarrett: FANTI! Maximum Fun! Podcast! Tre’vell: Yeah! [Music fades out.]

dan

Stuart, I believe you have our first advertisement from a sponsor this week.

stuart

Yeah. So these folks are helping us keep the lights on here at The Flop House, and these folks are… Squarespace! Squarespace is a great way for you to build a beautiful website. You can turn that cool idea that you have into a website. You can turn that crazy idea that you’re currently thinking of to ask us about in a minute into a website. [Elliott laughs.] You can sell stuff. Whatever. Squarespace does that by giving you templates by world-class designers. Things are optimized for mobile right out of the box so you don’t have to worry about dealing with, y’know, a website that doesn’t work right when somebody’s just trying to check it out on their phone. It’s free and secure hosting. Just make sure that you head over to Squarespace.com/flop—F-L-O-P—for your free trial. And when you’re reading to launch, use the offer code “FLOP.” That’s right—F-L-O-P—to save 10% off of your first purchase of a website or domain.

elliott

Now, Stuart, I had a question for you since you just did that Squarespace ad.

stuart

Sure, yeah.

elliott

I had an idea for a website and I’m hoping Squarespace can help me with it.

stuart

Uh-huh. Probably.

elliott

And it’s called—so this is www.NewNicknameOrNot.com. And it’s your place to go to for your help with crafting and distributing and getting people to use your new nickname. I was really inspired by this guy calling himself “The Rumble.” Which feels very much like a self-given nickname that nobody else is using. He cannot get it to work. And everyone’s still calling him “Darius” or “Grump.” They’re not calling him “The Rumble.”

stuart

I mean, that’s not even his last name. [Laughs.]

elliott

[Laughs.] Uh, Grouch. Sorry. He is kind of a grump, though.

crosstalk

Stuart: Grump would be, like, the nickname version of his last name. Which would be appropriate. Elliott: So they do call him—yeah, that’s true.

stuart

But that’s not something you can give yourself, right?

elliott

Now—something that I didn’t even mention—that he is, of course, Darius Emmanuel Grouch ‘cause he’s the heir to the Oscar T. Grouch fortune. [Multiple people laugh.] Now the—

stuart

They made their money in waste management, right?

elliott

Yes. Exactly. Wink. And now, NewNicknameOrNot.com will help you to craft a new nickname and make sure it’s the right nickname for you. “The Rumble”? Not the right nickname for him. But maybe like, uh, “Crime Professor.” Could be, y’know. Or like “Whiskey Johnny” or something like that. Y’know, or “Cigar Boy.” Y’know.

stuart

Frasier Crane.

elliott

Yeah. Or Frasier Crane. Perfect. [Dan laughs.] It’s a made-up name that doesn’t make any sense. And so—

dan

“Whiskey Johnny” sounds like slang from the ‘20s. Like, a dad would say to his daughter, being like, “I don’t want you hanging around the pub with all those Whiskey Johnnies!” Y’know?

stuart

Yeah, that’s the thing. He’s like, that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy at that point. ‘Cause then you’re just putting in the idea of Whiskey Johnnies in her head.

dan

Well that’s the thing, y’know. Like, you gotta, I guess—a restrictive upbringing is only gonna make it seem all the sweeter.

stuart

Yeah, that’s true.

crosstalk

Dan: Like [inaudible] rebellion. Elliott: That’s very true. Thank you for mentioning that. That really ties into— Stuart: Keep that in mind, Elliott.

stuart

Take some more parenting advice [through laughter] from Stuart and Dan. [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

Yeah. Yeah, no, that’s great. That’s great. So—NewNicknameOrNot.com. It’ll help you to craft that nickname that’s right for you and then also get people using it. By putting your nickname in the mouths of lower-level celebrities in a Cameo-type setting. Where they will leave messages on your friends’ answering machines and voicemail referring to you with your new nickname. Hey! Maybe “The Rumble” would’ve taken off if Steve Guttenberg had left a message on his best friend’s—not Steven Guttenberg’s best friend, but The Rumble’s best friend’s answering machine—referring to Grouch as “The Rumble.” You gotta listen to the Gute, right? So that’s NewNicknameOrNot.com. That’s the website I’m hoping to put together. Stuart? Can Squarespace help me with that?

stuart

Uh… let me double-check. Uh… let me… uh, do I have time to call Marc Summers and ask? [Dan laughs.]

elliott

I think you do. I think you’ve got nothing but time. [Dan laughs.]

stuart

Okay. Well, I’ll do that—I’ll get you your answer by the end of the episode. Yeah. So once again, Squarespace!

dan

This Flop House podcast of ours is also sponsored by Hello Fresh. It is America’s #1 meal kit. Hello Fresh cuts out stressful meal planning and grocery store trips so you can enjoy cooking and get dinner on the table in about 30 minutes or even less. The packaging Hello Fresh uses to ship your food is almost entirely made from recyclable and/or already-recycled content. And you can easily change your delivery days or food preferences and skip a week whenever you need. Now I’ve had Hello Fresh in the past, and I remember being very impressed with it. And this is as a guy who—as an avid cook—sometimes scoffed at the notion. But it was delicious, and… I had the low-calorie version and it tastes non-low calorie, I’ll tell ya that. Go to HelloFresh.com/flophouse80—those are the numerals, not the word “eighty”—and use code “flophouse80” to get a total of $80 off your first month, including free shipping on your first box. Additional restrictions apply. Please visit HelloFresh.com for more details. That’s HelloFresh.com/flophouse80 for $80 off your first month.

stuart

I thought it was “flophouse80” because I was born in 1980. But I guess not!

dan

Oh. Wow.

elliott

I mean, maybe it is?

stuart

Uh, we’ll find—I mean—[sighs.] I mean, you don’t have to make me feel better. Y’know. It’s okay.

dan

I’m glad you— [Laughs.] I’m glad you missed those turbulent ‘70s. Those two years I spent in the ‘70s— [Elliott laughs.] —were just… I don’t remember a lot. I just remember a lot of crying and earaches, so I assume that was Jimmy Carter’s fault.

elliott

I mean, I assume you don’t remember it ‘cause you were so coked up. Y’know. [Laughs.]

dan

Yup. [Laughs.]

elliott

So guys, let’s get out of those ads and into another ad! We’ve got a Jumbotron to read! Hey, guys! It’s the best size of tron—jumbo! Stuart? Would you like to do the Jumbotron intro sound?

stuart

[Dramatically] Wudahwudahwudahwudahwudah—djhoosh.

elliott

Thank you. Ever have a friend or friends insist a movie is bad that you know is great? Like, say, Mortdecai, Solo, The Paper Boy, Rules Don’t Apply? Now there’s a movie podcast for you! The World is Wrong is a very positive podcast about films the world is wrong about. Andras Jones and Bryan Connolly champion films that have been misunderstood, maligned, and ignored by critics, audiences, and podcasts we love like The Flop House. There’s a place for a podcast like yours, and a place for a podcast like ours! [Singing to the tune of “Somewhere” by Leonard Bernstein] There’s a place for us… [Regular voice] Check out and subscribe to The World is Wrong podcast wherever fine podcasts can be found! Www.TheWorldIsWrongPodcast.com is the website. So guys? I’m very curious to find out why they think a few of those mentioned are good movies when they are not good. But hey!

crosstalk

Elliott: That’s the intriguing—that’s the treatment. I gotta listen. Stuart: Yeah, you’ll have to listen. Yeah. The teaser.

elliott

And we also have a personal Jumbotron. This is a message for Nikolai and it comes from Mikhail—or Michael?—it’s either Michael or Mikhail. And the message is, “Hey, big brother! Gifts are hard, and there’s no way I’m going to top Trogdor: The Board Game, but I thought it might come close if I gave you a nice podcast surprise and the thrill of hearing one of our favorite hosts say “boodrescotch.” I love you dearly. Happy birthday. P.S., I picked The Flop House because it reminds me of our rides to work together.” Two things about that message? One, it was supposed to run before August 30th for reasons unknown to us, except maybe related to the fact that the world has been falling apart and lots of things have been sitting off our minds. It clearly is after August 30th, but we’re running it now so we’re sorry about that. But also, I don’t know what that word you had me say was and I’m worried about what it meant. So I will not be repeating it. But happy belated birthday, Nikolai!

elliott

Uh, there’s another thing—this is not a Jumbotron—that we’d like to promote. Hey, guys. Do you remember when we did a live, over-Zoom show where we talked about Howard T. Duck?

crosstalk

Elliott: The movie about Howard the Duck? Dan: I remember it. I remember that happening. Stuart: Uh-huh.

elliott

Stu, do you remember that or have you erased it from your mind, Eternal Sunshine style?

stuart

It’s—I mean, yeah. I did that. What does he use in that? Like, a laser beam? What—how does that work?

elliott

Yeah. He puts his head into the laser that they use to scan your groceries and it just takes out that part of his brain.

stuart

Oh, okay. That’s cool. Like, Total Recall style, right?

elliott

Yeah. Exactly. That’s what they did in Total Recall, too. He was just at the grocery store and they erased his memory—

crosstalk

Elliott: —when he was just trying to buy some stuff. Mm-hm. Hired body counts. They both go to Mars. Stuart: There’s a lot of things in common between Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Total Recall. Like, Michael Ironside is great in both of ‘em. There’s Martians. Yeah. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]

elliott

Yeah. So guys? [Dan laughs.] I wanted to promote—we’re gonna do another live show! That’s right—another live, over-Zoom show on October 24th. Just one week before [spooky voice] Halloweeeen! That’s right— [Stuart imitates ghostly “ooo”-ing.] —October 24th. 9PM Eastern. 6PM Pacific. The—as Dan mentioned when we were talking about it—the perfect time to not be exactly the right time that people on either coast would wanna watch a show— [Dan laughs.] —but hey. That’s when we’ve gotta do it. We didn’t invent time zones. Blame the sun and the orbit of the Earth. And also the way the Earth rotates. So that’s October 24th, one week before Halloween, 9PM Easter, 6PM Pacific. It’s gonna be another live show. The three of us dudes just doing presentations like we would at a normal show. We’ll probably have some sort of charitable element that we are throwing interest towards. And Dan, what movie are we going to be doing? Should we announce it?

dan

We will be talking about the Exorcist II: The Heretic. Whatever that means.

crosstalk

Dan: I mean, I know what the word “heretic” means but I don’t know in the terms of Exorcist II what it means. Elliott: This is a movie—

elliott

This is a movie none of us have seen, so it’s a real… grab bag. Who knows? It’s a mystery box! So you know J.J. Abrams is gonna tune in! That’s October 24th, 9PM Eastern, 6PM Pacific. We’re just gonna be talking live! You’ll see. It’ll be streaming through the Flop House YouTube page.

dan

All I know about Exorcist II is that book, The Golden Turkey Awards, that the Medved brothers wrote before they became crazy conservatives? Or at least one of them. I don’t know what happened to the other guy. But—is that Exorcist 2 is listed as the second-worst movie of all time in that book after Plan 9 from Outer Space, which was—that book was kinda what catapulted that film to cult success at the beginning of the real, like, bad movie craze. The ironic bad movie craze.

stuart

Maybe this live show will give Exorcist 2: The Heretic a bump. And—we’ll check it out.

elliott

Mm-hm. We’ll see. I also want to promote one more thing. This is just for me, guys. Hey! I’ve got a new kids’ book coming out! It comes out September 29th. It’s called Sharko and Hippo. The art is by Andrea Tsurumi, who is a fantastic children’s book illustrator and just artist all-around and also children’s book writer. It comes from Balzer and Bray, a division of HarperCollins, so go to the HarperCollins website and preorder it! Right now, if you want to! Or preorder it through your local independent bookstore. That’s Sharko and Hippo, coming out September 29th. It’s a story of a verbal confusion— [Multiple people laugh.] —between a shark and a hippo. So I think you’re gonna like it. If you like words that rhyme—and I know I do!—get ready for Sharko and Hippo. [Dan laughs.]

dan

“Can you handle it?”

stuart

What a sales pitch. Um, cool. So what do we do next on this podcast, Dan?

dan

Next we take Letters from Listeners. And we don’t just take ‘em, we read ‘em! On the air! [Elliott laughs.]

stuart

Cool. Okay. I guess if you want to.

dan

This one is from Jackie, last name withheld.

stuart

Collins?

elliott

Jackie Brown.

dan

And Jackie writes, “Hi, Peaches. I recently watched the emotional and nostalgic film, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood. It’s about a jaded writer assigned to a profile of the beloved TV host, Mr. Rogers, played by the equally-beloved Tom Hanks. The plot’s movie is framed using a metaphoric episode of the show where Mr. Rogers explores the writer’s own emotional issues of a traumatic childhood from his absentee father and the pressures of his own new parenthood. It didn’t really work for me. It came off more weird than rewarding. But that said, I don’t blame them for trying such a narrative device. I think a full-on biopic of Fred Rogers would’ve been cloying, and if you’re gonna do a ‘broken person reluctantly befriends a wonderful weirdo who fixes their personal life,’ why not dip into familiar and beloved elements to move a pretty by-the-books plot along. What’s an example of a plot device that doesn’t really work in film, TV, book, or whatever for you guys, but you respect it for trying?”

stuart

Uh, I was gonna say… in the— [Laughs.] In the movie Doom—I know I don’t wanna—I’m gonna ruffle some feathers here. [Elliott laughs.] In the movie Doom, they throw in a bit near the end of, like, a first-person shooter moment? You know you gotta do it. You gotta try. And it—y’know—didn’t quite work for me. Partly because that type of shit always makes me motion sick. But I know it’s an attempt to like capture the feel of a videogame. But unless you’re Edgar Wright, you’re not gonna be able to capture that feeling of a videogame using a movie. So… but, y’know. Whatever. Give it a go. And yeah. I’m looking at you, Hardcore Harry or whatever that movie is that I couldn’t watch— [Multiple people laugh.] —‘cause I knew it would make me barf. [Elliott laughs.]

dan

I’ll mention one where I had sort of a mixed reaction to it. Which is, I watched Doctor Sleep a few nights ago. And—directed by Mike Flanagan, who is beloved for many a horror movie. And—

stuart

Uh, which ones?

dan

He did Hush. He did Gerald’s Game. Like, I think there’s other stuff. He did the good one of the Ouija movies, I think? Maybe?

stuart

Okay.

dan

But—so he did the sequel to The Shining. And, y’know, The Shining is an interesting case because obviously Stephen King hated the Kubrick movie. And—to the degree that he actually liked the Steven Weber version of The Shining. And part of the reason he didn’t like it was it was this, y’know, adaptation of a very personal story to him about alcoholism at a time that he himself was an alcoholic. And so I think Doctor Sleep the novel was kind of, like, part of his impetus, I think, in… telling that story was like telling a continuation, telling a story about someone who recovered from alcoholism? This is all sort of background to say that, like… Doctor Sleep feels very much like a Stephen King movie? The version that—with Ewan McGregor, that Mike Flanagan directed—defiantly, like, a Stephen King movie almost? Whereas, like, The Shining feels very Kubrick? But Doctor Sleep also uses imagery directly from the movie The Shining. Like, sometimes actual shots from the old movie that have been cleaned up. Sometimes it’s, like… just the same iconography? And I’ve mixed feelings on that ‘cause it does feel like this should be its own thing? That stands on its own? But at the same time, those images are so indelible and the story is linked to The Shining. I feel like it’s kind of hard to make that movie without some of those references. Like, that is like, iconic. So that’s a time where like I think they tried a very bold… formal thing and I’m not quite sure how I feel about it.

stuart

Yeah. I mean, I feel like audiences are kinda with you. Because most folks that I talked to are pretty—like, they either love it and that’s when they—that’s the parts of the movie they like? And for other people that’s what lost them in the movie.

dan

Yeah.

elliott

Mine is also gonna be—may ruffle some feathers. I was just gonna mention there’s a little movie from a few years ago called Cloud Atlas, where—like in the book it’s based on, it’s a lot of—it’s telling a number of linked stories? And they were kind of intersecting these different stories and different spaces in times and they had the same little group of actors playing different parts in each. And it’s something that—

stuart

[Inhales sharply.] Yeah.

elliott

—I like the concept of, but it just doesn’t quite work? It leads to some, uh… some casting that I think would not fly in the current climate? But also it means that like you have to have, like, caveman Tom Hanks of the future— [Dan laughs.] —and a few other things like that where you’re like, “This doesn’t really—I don’t see how these stories are really related? And also I don’t know why these characters are connected? Like, I don’t know why this actor is playing these three characters, other than that they are roughly the same age as that actor.” And so… I wish that there was—I really admire the concept of, “We’re gonna tell a bunch of linked stories with the same group of actors playing different characters,” but it just doesn’t quite work. So I’m gonna give them a… B- for effort.

stuart

Yeah. I mean, it’s a big swing.

elliott

It’s a real big swing.

dan

I largely liked that movie, but yeah. I mean… y’know. Again, setting aside the racial problematics of having some of this happen, also… the stories rhyme with one another in different ways. But it’s not like the characters that these people are playing are like the same character in any sort of significant way. So it is weird. It’s something that could easily not happen and still have those sort of like… “stories retold through time” feeling.

elliott

There’s also—and watching the movie, there’s no story in it where I’m like, “Oh, if this story was not here, the movie would be less off for it?” Y’know? It’s just like, it feels to me like a really great concept in search of the content to fill out that concept? But… I know that movie’s got its champions and that is total okay. And also—spoiler alert—my recommendation for this week also has some things that I respect for trying but don’t quite work. So we’ll get to that—

crosstalk

Elliott: —when it’s Recommendations time! Stuart: Oh, wow. Man. Why do you gotta give me such a tantalizing tease for my tastebuds?

elliott

I just— [Laughs.] It’s just a tantalizing tastebud tease!

dan

Okay. Well, just one more letter. And I’m gonna—I’m just gonna dive right in. “Dear Peaches, I’ve been a listener for a few years now and I’ve always loved you guys. Elliott, with your brains and songs, you are always getting me on an intellectual level. Stuart, with your original ‘party dude’ attitude, combined with your unabashed nerdiness, you are the people’s champion. And Dan? My fine depressed fellow, you’ve always been the guy I’ve connected with the most. Listening to your trials and tribulations over the years helped me get through some terrible times. So I’ve always taken your recommendations very seriously. Thank you for Stop Making Sense, a movie I’m pretty sure you made somehow.” Oh, if only. “So. When I heard on the show that you take cannabis—something you referenced a few times, but notably on the Cats episode—I figured I’d get over my previous stance and give the devil’s lettuce a serious try. And unlike all the scary stories I was told in D.A.R.E., I actually felt comfortable when I was high. It has greatly improved my attitude and day-to-day life; helped me relax when my anxiety is out of control; and most importantly, helped me realize that I am, and always have been, a woman. Well, not always. I used to be a little girl. But I was never a boy, and realizing that now has changed my entire outlook on life. And in the weirdest, roundabout way, your show helped me realize that. Thank you for everything you’ve done. I’m so happy now. Love, Ramona [formerly deadname withheld]

dan

I just thought that was a real sweet letter. And—

stuart

It’s a nice letter! Thank you for [through laughter] for reading it!

dan

It’s a very—y’know. It just makes us feel good. And, y’know, I like that I was able to, y’know—

crosstalk

Dan: Help someone— Stuart: Get somebody to smoke weed?

dan

—through drugs. [Elliott laughs.] Y’know, like remotely just like, y’know, just say “drugs are cool by me.” [Through laughter] “Just say yes to drugs.” [Laughs.]

stuart

I mean, if I was running—say—a small… y’know… farm-to-table, uh, drug selling outfit, I don’t know if you would be my first choice as a salesperson? I don’t feel like sales is necessarily your best attribute. I feel like you’re more of a, y’know, like, a logistics type person?

dan

Sure.

stuart

But it’s nice to hear that I was wrong in this case.

dan

Yeah. Anyway. Thank you so much, Ramona. I just really appreciated getting that and I wanted to share with everyone. Um…

elliott

I like that that is genuinely heartwarming while at the same time being, like, a—the exact opposite of what a, like, every afterschool special—

crosstalk

Elliott: [Through laughter] —that I ever saw? Dan: [Through laughter] Exactly! [Laughs.]

dan

Wonderful. Uh, hey. Let’s do Recommendations, the part of the show where we say—why not go watch this movie instead of that one? Although, with Money Plane, y’know. You could probably find time for both if it’s the kind of thing you like.

crosstalk

Dan: Y’know. Stuart: Yeah, it’s like 80 minutes long, man. It’s like— Elliott: No, Dan. No, Dan. Ticking clock.

elliott

You only have one movie. What do you choose? What do you choose?

crosstalk

Dan: Chopping Mall. Chopping Mall. [Laughs.] Elliott: Money Plane? Or something—or Chopping Mall? [Laughs.] Okay.

dan

Yeah. I wanted to recommend—I mean, “recommend” is a hard one with this one—but I watched We Need to Talk About Kevin, which is a very—

stuart

Yeah. It’s great.

dan

—punishing movie, but very good. I really like Lynne Ramsay. I liked Morvern Callar a lot. I liked You Were Never Really Here a lot.

stuart

Yeah. Laugh factories. [Laughs.]

dan

Laugh factories, all of them. I mean, this one is about— [Laughs.] I will tell you what it’s about and then you can decide whether you think you have the fortitude for it. It is about a child who, y’know, kills a bunch of his fellow students. And… it is focused on his mother, played by Tilda Swinton, who is shown both sort of in the days and years leading up to these murders, and… the time afterwards. And showing how she’s a pariah afterwards, blamed by almost everyone who, y’know, lives in this community. And how beforehand, she was not happy in her life. This child, Kevin, was a very difficult child in many ways and even from the start she had ambivalent feelings about motherhood and it’s just an interesting dive into her psyche. Because, y’know, she… obviously… like, this guy did horrible things but she blames herself. Wonders whether she should blame herself. It is done in this, like, fractured style—this—

stuart

And Kevin is presented, at least for me, almost cartoonishly villainous.

dan

Yes. And so I think part of that, too, is like… that puts you inside her mind. Like, is this… real? Is this just the way she sees this child who is cruel to her? Like… like, where does the cruelty come from? Was it—was he born with it? Was it because he could sense, somehow, that he was unloved? Y’know? It’s a movie that asks a lot of very, like, depressing and interesting questions and puts you in the mind of her as she kind of [through laughter] dissolves under the weight of them?

stuart

On the other hand, it’s a movie that postulates the concept that Tilda Swinton and John C. Reilly would be a couple and I love it so much, guys. [Laughs.] [Elliott laughs.]

dan

Yeah. Anyway, I thought it was a great movie and also, like, weirdly moving at the ending. So… that’s mine. We Need to Talk About Kevin.

stuart

Yeah. I’m gonna recommend a movie that came out a little bit ago on Netflix. I don’t think we recommended it yet. I’m gonna recommend Spike Lee’s new movie, Da 5 Bloods. It’s part hangout movie, part war movie, part a—y’know, comment on, y’know, the current—well, not—the current conversation about race. It’s a movie that talks a lot about the American war in Vietnam and I think—I mean, I am in no position to… to really comment on how accurate it is, but it feels like it’s attempting to say something or say something in a different way about that war. And… the—y’know, it’s got probably some of the best performances from a group of great actors. Delroy Lindo in particular is incredible. And it’s great—and with the passing of Chadwick Boseman, it makes his performance almost, like, right now—it’s gut-wrenching just thinking about it. So yeah. It’s a little long but I think it’s worth the trip. Da 5 Bloods.

elliott

As mentioned in the—our answers to letter Q’s—I’m gonna recommend a movie that I feel like tries some things that don’t really work? But there’re a number of things that do work in it? And that movie is Motherless Brooklyn. The adaptation that Edward Norton worked on for years and years of the book Motherless Brooklyn and that finally came out last year. Where it functions less as an adaptation of the book and more as a Elseworlds story? [Dan laughs.] For anyone familiar with those? Where the main character from the book has been removed from the original setting and put in the 1950s? And— [Dan laughs.] —the ambition in it is—Edward Norton is basically trying to use the loosely—a fictionalized version of the story of Robert Moses to do like what Chinatown did for L.A., for New York? And he does not succeed in that. It is not the Chinatown that New York deserves. And there are two main issues that I have with it. One is that the main character is a person who’s dealing with serious, like… what’s the way to put it? Essentially a form of…

dan

Isn’t it Tourette’s? Is that what—

elliott

Yeah, it’s Tourette’s. Yeah. I couldn’t remember the name of it. He’s dealing with Tourette’s and it’s something that never really causes him any problems? He just kind of—he shouts things and can’t control himself but nobody—it never really gets him—it never really seems to be a complication in his life?

crosstalk

Elliott: In a way that— Stuart: Just, like, a colorful character trait?

elliott

Yes. Exactly. Which feels like it is both—it is trying to empower a character with Tourette’s but it feels like it diminishes and trivializes the problem? And at the same time it is a movie that is trying to say something about racism in American infrastructure planning, and especially New York infrastructure planning, in the middle of the 20th century? But the characters are so comfortable with characters of other races? And there’s none of the awkwardness that comes from people of different races interacting. That you’re like, “Oh, okay. This is a movie about racism by someone who doesn’t really seem to like get the experience of racism.” That being said, it is a really well-made movie in a lot of ways and there’s a lot of great sequences in it? The score in it is fantastic. And… if you remove the movie from its ambitions, it is a really well-made, kind of, well-put-together kind of mystery period movie. And I actually enjoyed watching it a lot and it was just like, you can always feel the gap between what it is attempting and what it is pulling off. But it’s kind of worth watching if just for the score and the costume design and the production design of it. It looks great. And—

stuart

Does it—Charlene has mentioned interest in seeing it, but I kinda held off ‘cause it seems like it was gonna be a big mess. So you’re saying—

crosstalk

Elliott: I would say—it’s not a big mess. Stuart: —watch it?

elliott

I think it’s—the thing is, it—actually, it would be a more exciting movie in some ways if it was more of a mess? It is a really, like… competently, well-made movie that has a lot of good stuff to it and it fits into this—it feels like it wants to be a throwback to movies of the ‘50s or ‘70s? But it actually is a throwback to movies of like the late ‘80s where it was like… you could go to the movie theater and see like a three-star suspense thriller. And be, like, “Oh, yeah. That was really good. There were a lot of good people in that.”

crosstalk

Elliott: So Motherless BrooklynDan: Well, that’s—I mean, like, that’s actually the most effective thing you’ve said.

dan

‘Cause I want to return to a time where I could go to the movie theater and just see like a three-star [through laughter] suspense thriller.

crosstalk

Elliott: Yeah. And that’s—and that’s kind of what it is— Dan: Like, I just feel like that’s a past era and I like it. Stuart: Like, “I guess I’ll watch The Devil’s Own.” [Dan laughs.]

stuart

“It’s got Brad Pitt and Harrison Ford in it.”

elliott

I mean, I think it’s better than The Devil’s Own. But like—but when you would have a lot of people who are really good at their jobs making a movie that is not a… a huge movie? Y’know? That’s what it feels like. And not—doesn’t feel like an independent movie. It feels like a studio movie. But y’know. Yeah. For the days when it was like—it feels like a movie made in, like, 1992. Y’know. Like, 1988. So… Motherless Brooklyn. It’s not gonna change your life, but it’s better than you would think.

dan

Well, okay, guys. Let’s close up The Flop House for this episode. I gotta go cook some dinner.

crosstalk

Stuart: Uh-huh. Do we have a second? Dan: I’m sure you gotta—

stuart

I wanna talk a little bit more—you guys had mentioned a lot of interest—wanted to talk more about the relationship between the Astra Militarum and the Adeptus Astartes in the Warhammer 40k universe.

dan

Oh, y’know—y’know what? Just text us after the show.

stuart

Sure! A text—maybe a FaceTime chat? Or—

crosstalk

Dan: Either one. Just let me— Stuart: That Discord channel you guys keep wanting me to set up.

dan

I mean, let me sign off before you FaceTime me again? And I promise I will, y’know, I will pick up again. I just—y’know, I like to have different files for the show [inaudible].

stuart

Yeah. I mean, I’m still waiting for Marc Summers to pick up. He’s not answering his phone. But yeah, okay.

crosstalk

Stuart: I’ll do that afterwards. Dan: Okay, well. Elliott: Yeah, yeah. I think he’s—

stuart

I think he’s having trouble with that basement situation. I would love to hear more about the miscamum pestadorum and the antipasto bolognum. Yeah. That sounds real fun. [Laughs.]

dan

Okay. Well, thank you to Jordan Kauwling for editing this nonsense. Thank you to Maximum Fun for helping us broadcast this nonsense and make money off of it. Thank you to our sponsors. Thank you to you, the listener. Please rate us over at iTunes or tweet about us or do whatever you can to get the word out to the world. Thank you for continuing to listen even though we’re in the midst of a pandemic and there’s a lot less commuting. It means that we’re all the more important to you. So I appreciate it.

elliott

Yeah. So help us get the word out! Tell your mom! You’ve been looking for a reason to call your mom. Just call and tell her about The Flop House, y’know?

stuart

She probably knows a couple people that like podcasts. Or movies.

elliott

Mm-hm.

dan

[Through laughter] Alright. For The Flop House, I’ve been Dan McCoy.

stuart

Hey, I’m Stuart Wellington!

elliott

Hey, there! Elliott Kalan, saying goodbye!

dan

Byeee!

stuart

Byeee.

elliott

Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.

dan

On this episode, we discuss—Money Plane!

stuart

What happens when you videotape a live-action roleplaying game of Leverage? [All laugh.]

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MaximumFun.org.

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—Audience supported.

About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.

Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.

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