TRANSCRIPT Ep. 319: Alita: Battle Angel LIVE

Transcript

music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
dan
									
Hey, everyone! You know, on one of these off-weeks we’d normally deliver you one of our patented, very long Minis.
stuart
									
A patented, piping-hot piece of podcast! [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan and Elliott: Mm-hm.
elliott
									
Yep. That’s a lot of peas in there. I call ‘em “Maxi-minis.” [Dan laughs.] Y’know.
dan
									
Pickled… piece of podcast. But now we’re gonna give you a really pickled piece of podcast, because it’s from long ago and we’ve been—
elliott
									
Sell it, Dan! Sell it! Hype it up! Make it sound desirable!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: “Old and moldy.” [Laughs.] Dan: We brined it.
dan
									
We brined it for your pleasure. Hey! I mean, like… you don’t like pickles, Elliott? This is something we should dive into.
elliott
									
I do like pickles. But how many products—when they’re being hyped up— [Dan laughs.] —are described as “pickled”?
dan
									
Well, pickles is the number one. Like, if we were doing Family Feud, y’know, it would be “Show me pickles!” And that would be number one on the board of—
elliott
									
But it’s rare that when a movie comes out or a song, they’re like, “Hey, get ready for this old thing from the vaults. It’s been pickled.” [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.] “So we packed this in salt so it would last the winter! And now we’re gonna dump it on your plate!”
dan
									
Okay. Well the point is—this is coming right after the Maximum Fun Drive has technically ended? The technical end of the Drive was one day prior to the release of this. But, y’know, we are a bunch of rule-breakers and we think this basically counts as part of the Drive. So if you wanna go to Maximum Fun—
elliott
									
And also—not just “basically counts,” but there is a grace period after the official end of the Drive. We should say—you can still go to MaximumFun.org/join and you will becoming a new or upgrading member. It’s not just—you don’t have to petition them that The Flop House said it’s okay. It can—it’ll happen. Yeah.
dan
									
I mean, Elliott—there—y’know, you could become a member of Maximum Fun at any time during the year. Normally when there’s a grace period it’s because we’re trying to reach sort of a target, but there is no target this year due to the pandemic and other associated disruptions in our lives. So—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Wait a minute. Elliott: Oh, no, I have a target. And I’m—and— Dan: What’s that target?
elliott
									
—we’re very close to reaching it. That target? Your heart.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Mm-hm. Stuart: Uh-huh.
dan
									
And it’s a hard target. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
It is a very hard target ‘cause you’ve got a very hard heart. He’s a hard-hearted man. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. So you gotta take a chance. Boudreaux. On Dan’s hard target that’s a heart. [Elliott laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Point is, guys, that this is—what? Uh-huh. What a man… what a moustache. Stuart: By the way, rest in piece, Wilford Brimley. What a man! What a man in the movie Hard Target. Elliott: Mm-hm. Yeah. Hard Target star Wilford Brimley.Ha
elliott
									
A man. A moustache. Oats. Panama.
dan
									
The great thing about that is it’s not a palindrome! [Elliott laughs.] Not at all!
elliott
									
Nope. It’s not.
stuart
									
I mean, everybody’s made the joke, but when I found out that Wilford Brimley had passed away, obviously I was sad. And then I saw that he passed away at the age of 85, and I’m like… what? [All laugh.] Wasn’t he 85 my whole life? [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Yeah. Well, he was like 49 or 50 when can—Cocoon was out.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: No, no. “Canoon.” Like you were you gonna say it the first time. Canoon. The movie about the magic canoe that makes you young. Dan: Canoon. [Laughs.] When Kundun—when— [Laughs.] Stuart: Yeah.
stuart
									
So did somebody—did somebody—did somebody… like, fashion Wilford Brimley out of clay and as Paul Rudd normally would’ve gotten older, he just stayed the same age? But then Wilford Brimley got older?
elliott
									
You’re right. Paul—Wilford Brimley and Paul Rudd are in a Dorian Gray-type situation. Yes. Where all of Paul Rudd’s—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Or “were,” obviously. Elliott: —age and sins—
elliott
									
—were heaped onto Wilford Brimley. Yeah.
dan
									
Guys. Guys. Guys.
stuart
									
I forgot about the “sins” part. That’s the crazy part of that story. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: It’s also the sins! Dan: Guys!
elliott
									
It’s not just the age! Although you have to imagine Dorian Gray was like hurling himself off buildings to break his portrait’s bones and then he’d just walk away and go, “See ya ‘round, Portrie!” He called his portrait “Portrie.”
dan
									
Guys? What normally happens to Minis is what’s happening to this introduction to this live episode. The point of what we’re trying to say is—as a thank you to all who gave to the MaxFunDrive, supporting us, and as a final encouragement to those who may be still on the fence, we have—we are taking this opportunity to release one of our live shows. One of the best of our live shows, I think. The shows we did in Boston were very good. And we’ve been hanging onto these for God knows what reason. But now we are releasing them into the wild. If they come back to us, they love us. And this one is the Alita: Battle Angel episode where we learn of my purported love for backstory. Which… is not actually a thing? That exists? But has been referenced several times on the show, despite this episode not having come out before now.
elliott
									
Let’s let the listeners make that judgment when they listen to the tapes.
stuart
									
Yeah. I’m looking forward to Dan re-listening to this one and being like, “Oh my god. They’ve been right all along! Time to make amends to my two friends, Stuart and Elliott, [through laughter] who I have slandered all this time!” [Laughs.]
elliott
									
So if you wouldn’t mind—while listening to this episode, why don’t you become a “Battle Angel” of your own and go to MaximumFun.org/join. The battle, of course, being the battle against podcasters not making enough to keep their podcast going. And the angel being you, an angel investor who has decided to give us, mm, upwards of $100,000? Who knows. Per month. And from you. So— [Dan laughs.] —you can—there’s lots of good levels that you can donate at, from as little as $5 a month to as much as—I mean, if you’re gonna offer us $100,000 a month, we’re not gonna turn it down. I—the prizes stop at a certain level, but you can keep going if you want. But we really appreciate it. We are—as always—very humbled that so many of our listeners have decided to show us their appreciation. This has been a really great MaxFunDrive and we know—again—as we’ve said many times—this is a hard time for everybody. A hard target time. Not just for Wilford Brimley’s family, but for all of us— [Stuart laughs.] —and we appreciate every ounce of support we’ve gotten from you guys and gals and also nonbinary-gender identifying people who are listeners. You’ve been really, really wonderful to us and we hope you enjoy this episode for now.
dan
									
On this episode, we discuss—Alita: Battle Angel!
stuart
									
[Announcer voice] Live in Boston, Massachusetts! [Audience cheers, applauds enthusiastically.]
stuart
									
Ah! Oww! [Audience continues cheering and applauding, then stops suddenly.]
elliott
									
Too much! We were in danger of breaking the fire code. But you guys were doing great. [Audience laughs.] I have to admit I am guilty of egging them on a little bit? [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
You said that as if it was a pun or— [Multiple people laugh.] I don’t know what. [Elliott laughs.] Alright.
elliott
									
Boston is famous for its eggs? [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flop House! I’m Dan McCoy.
stuart
									
Oh, I’m Stuart Wellington!
elliott
									
Over here, Elliott Kalan, at the end of the table. What table is this, Dan? Where are we? What’s going on? What’s happening?
dan
									
I mean, we are in Boston—as Stuart said literally moments before— [Audience laughs.] —whether in person or on the podcast, you would have heard “Boston.”
elliott
									
I was just—that’s for people who—like, the started the podcast playing and then they were like, “I gotta use the bathroom! I’ll just let it play and I’ll miss the theme song!” And they didn’t hear the part where he said “In Boston.”
stuart
									
Or people who start the podcast and they’re like, “I want the movie that they watched to be a surprise.” So they put fingers in their ears— [Audience laughs.] —and they go, “Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah!” So it doesn’t—
elliott
									
Mm-hm.
stuart
									
That’s the exact sound that counteracts the sounds of our voice.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It [inaudible]. It’s science. Science— Elliott: Yeah. Scientifically. We had a study done. We had a study done. Dan: [Laughs.] Science, yeah.
elliott
									
At MIT! [Cheers from audience.] A regional place! [Audience laughs.] Dan? What do we do on this podcast? Do I normally pander about MIT? Or is this something we don’t usually do?
dan
									
Uh, I don’t know about your personal life, but on the show I’ve never heard you pander about MIT. We are in Boston. We are doing a live show where we talk about a bad movie that we watched. Or—maybe not so bad! We’ll see at the end of the night. We watched Alita: Battle Angel.
elliott
									
That’s right. We’re gonna be here all night, everybody, ‘til we’ve hashed out whether this is a good movie or not.
dan
									
Look the doors!
crosstalk
									
Stuart: [Through laughter] I think that’s someone else’s catchphrase! Elliott: No, no, Dan! You just started a WTF episode!
dan
									
Oh no! [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
[Sings theme song for WTF podcast.]
dan
									
Um, something about coffee and crapping my pants? I dunno.
elliott
									
Yeah. Stamps.com.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Cats.
dan
									
Who are your guys?
elliott
									
Uh, where are you from? Who are you guys? What did your dad do for a living?
stuart
									
Why doesn’t Lauren like me? Just kidding I love the show.
elliott
									
Stuart, wow.
dan
									
Now you took notes on this one.
stuart
									
Oh man. I did! So the— [Laughs.] The movie begins with a logo. A production company logo! [Audience laughs.] Yeahhh!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: We’re digging in deep, apparently! Stuart: Now you’re waiting for it!
dan
									
No one loves production company logos more than Stuart Wellington.
stuart
									
Is that—it looks like the 20th Century Fox logo, but it’s, like, different! That’s right! Because it’s 26th Century Fox! This isn’t your daddy’s Fox logo! [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Nope! It’s your great-great-great-great-great-grandson or -daughter’s Fox logo.
stuart
									
Mm-hm! [Laughs.] Unless your daddy is James Cameron, in which case it would be. Okay! So!
elliott
									
Or if your daddy was Kang the Conqueror and he brought it back from the future to you. But there’s only one guy whose daddy is Kang the Conqueror, and that’s that weird who messed with Captain Marvel. I don’t like him. Let’s not even talk about him anymore. [Stuart and audience laugh.]
stuart
									
I didn’t know why you brought him up in the first place! [All laugh.] The year is 2563 year of our [through laughter] Lord. [Audience laughs.] It is 300 years—
elliott
									
It is a movie about an angel! Okay, yeah, sure.
stuart
									
It is 300 years after the fall. Of course, not after the fall of Lucifer, which happened [through laughter] much, much before this.
dan
									
Yeah. Or after the movie The Fall, Elliott’s—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: One of my favorites! Or— Stuart: Uh-huh! Nor is this a Legend of the Fall, as I think we’ve already covered.
elliott
									
It might be 300 years after the last-ever Fall. Climate change, everybody! Amiright? [Audience groans.]
stuart
									
Oh, yeah. Days getting shorter!
elliott
									
I did—like, you did that as if I—by speaking the idea, I’ve made it appear. [Audience laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. So we— Elliott: Deal with it, everybody.
stuart
									
So we open on a giant scrap heap that is underneath a floating city, and we see a scientist digging through that scrap and he finds a—like, the half of a lady-robot?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: A young woman robot? And he’s like, “It’s still alive!” Elliott: It’s like the head and neck area of the—the, uh—
stuart
									
And he hoists it up in the air and we have—it’s kind of like our title card, right? Even though we don’t have a title card. This is like the opening shot.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: The important part. Elliott: Yeah. And who’s this scientist?
stuart
									
The scientist is a fellow named Ido. He’s played, of course, by Christoph Waltz, who is a fine actor. He’s fine.
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter]  What—whoa! Alright. First off— Elliott: [Laughs.] Did—Stuart had a lot of—
elliott
									
Stuart had a lot of anti-Christoph Waltz words while we were watching it. [Audience laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: He’s fine! Why are you mad? I said he’s fine! Dan: It’s a weird, like— [Elliott laughs.]
dan
									
Why are you so, like, pugilist—like, belligerent with the audience about Christoph Waltz? Are you afraid they’re gonna rush the stage?
stuart
									
I’m being belligerent with you! You’re texting him! [All laugh.] So he takes this living robot back to his house. He and his assistant build a body for this robot. She wakes [through laughter] up and checks all of her parts.
dan
									
The natural thing you do when you find a head.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Take it home. [Laughs.] Stuart: She wakes up in like— Elliott: I mean, if you are a robotics scientist—
elliott
									
—and you find a robot’s head, you would probably take it home.
dan
									
Would you? [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Now you’ve opened up an interesting question. [Audience laughs.] Now I have to put myself in the situation of a robotics scientist in the future. Okay. I’m Christoph Waltz.
stuart
									
I feel like you can play that role. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. Okay. I’m thinking. I won a very deserved Academy Award and then a not-quite-as-deserved other Academy Award for playing kind of the same character. He’s fine. He’s great. [Audience laughs.] Then—okay. I’m digging through a trash heap. It’s the future. It’s like WALL-E but live action. Floating city! You don’t see that every day! Except you do, these days, ‘cause it’s the future. And I found this thing. This is weird! It’s like a person’s head! I better call the police! No wait—it’s got wires coming out of it. It’s a robot’s head! If only I knew someone who knew how to build robots. Wait a minute! I know how to build robots! Yeah, I think I would take it home.
stuart
									
Alright, well. [Audience laughs.] I guess I’ve been schooled! So this young robot wakes up in a little kid’s room and starts examining her body. She goes—she rushes downstairs.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: She’s force-fed an orange—what? Elliott: She lifts up the—
elliott
									
Lifts up her blankets as if to check that she has all the parts or maybe just her legs? It was weird. It was a little weird.
stuart
									
Hey, I mean, I’m not a robot. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] So she talks with Ido and Ido starts to fill in some of the blanks. And explains—
dan
									
Which is just what a robot would say, though.
elliott
									
It is! Except the robot would’ve been like, “I’m not a robot. Beep boop!” [Audience laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: But maybe— Stuart: Or “Give me some oil, dudes!”
elliott
									
Maybe he’s saving the “Beep boop!” for later.
stuart
									
So Ido begins to fill in the blanks for her. And he also—she doesn’t remember anything. She doesn’t even have a name. Of course he jumps at that opportunity and names her “Alita” and we’re like, “Whoa, did you already have that just sitting there in the front of your memory banks?”
dan
									
And he—at this point it’s clarified that like she has a human brain, right? Which I guess was somehow preserved in the junk heap that she was in?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: In her magic robo-cyborg mind. Stuart: And let’s talk a little bit about this robot. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh, Stuart just stood up. He’s gonna school this audience on—I don’t know on what, actually.
stuart
									
Now… I don’t wanna spend too much time talking about the design of this robot. It is clearly digitally enhanced. She has very accentuated features. You might call her a Bratt-le Angel. I don’t know. [Audience laughs.] You’re welcome. Um— [Audience cheers, applauds.]
dan
									
Scattered applause! [All laugh.]
stuart
									
So she’s—she’s striking-looking—
elliott
									
By that, you’re saying that she has large eyes in her head.
stuart
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
Her eyes are digitally larger than a person’s eyes would be.
stuart
									
Yeah. Which is—at first—unnerving.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: But you get used to it. It’s fine. Elliott: You get used to it. It’s like if you met a Disney princess on the street?
elliott
									
At first you’d be like, [alarmed] “Ah! Your eyes take up 2/3 of your head!” But over time as you got to know her—maybe fall in love with her—you’d come to not just get used to and tolerate that? But come to love it. As something that’s special to her and only her and her race, Disney Princesses. And eventually you’d be like, “You know what? I just hope that my children get this when they’re born.” And when they do, they’ll have one regular eye and one giant Disney princess eye. [Audience laughs.] And you’re like, “No, it’s the worst of all possible combinations! Why’d you do this to us, Gregor Mendel?!” [All laugh.] That’s one for the college students in the audience. [Audience cheers, applauds.]
dan
									
Uh, again. We don’t have much time. [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
Okay! So she’s named Alita. She wanders around with Ido as he introduces her to this place, Iron City—part of the, like, scrap heap that is underneath a floating city called Zalem? Which is kind of like this beautiful paradise in the clouds that they all wish they could be part of. But instead they live in Iron City, which is actually pretty nice.
elliott
									
Iron City’s supposed to be, like, kind of this like junkyard slum? But to be honest, it’s like—it’s—
stuart
									
It’s pretty—it’s as bright as a Fanta commercial.
elliott
									
It’s like a part of Brooklyn that is most of the way gentrified? But not totally gentrified. [Audience laughs.] And so the back—in the background you have like a few people who have like robot parts and they look really futuristic—
dan
									
Just like Brooklyn. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. But then you’ve got mostly people with like t-shirts and jeans who are just kicking it? Walking around? There are great sidewalk cafes. I’m sure there’s a used bookstore.
stuart
									
Oh, I’m sure, yeah. There’s— [Laughs.] There’s a lot of crowd shots in this movie where you’ll see— [Laughs.] It’ll be just like a guy in a regular jersey just like hanging out watching motorball. But we’ll get to that. [Audience laughs.] So she’s—he gives her quite an info-dump. He explains all about this situation. He introduces her to a young, handsome scamp named Hugo. Who’s like your regular urchin. Right? A regular urchin boy.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: He drives a—for your average— Dan: A regular urchin. Elliott: Yeah. He’s like—yeah. Lives in the sea. Spiny.
elliott
									
His eggs are delicious. [Audience laughs.] A lot of umami? Yeah.
stuart
									
Drives a motorized unicycle. Just like Brooklyn. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] I mean, to be honest—
dan
									
Or he wears a top hat and encourages you to pick pockets! That’s the other—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: That’s the other kind of urchin. Yes. Yeah. Basic urchin. Dan: —basic urchin. Basic.
elliott
									
He’s a real basic bitch urchin. Yeah. [Audience laughs.] He’s like a handsome little bit bad boy who sells robot parts and—yeah. Rides that motorized unicycle. Yeah.
stuart
									
Yeah. And we’re, like, we’re also introduced to the only police force in this town are these like giant robot things called Centurions. We’re introduced to a character named Chiren? I believe? Who is a medical professional who is Ido’s ex-wife. And they talk a little bit about how they lost a child. They lost a daughter together.
elliott
									
What was—wait, what was her name?
stuart
									
Wait a minute. [Pregnant pause.] [Audience laughs.] Her name was also Alita!
elliott
									
What a coincidence! What a strange coincidence!
stuart
									
It’s pretty—it must be a pretty [through laughter] common name. [Elliott laughs.] It’s not at all weird to name a robot after your—I don’t fucking care.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: And what—and what—and what other surprisingly common profession do we learn about? Stuart: I don’t know about how people deal with trauma. I’ll be quiet.
stuart
									
[Laughs.] We learn about the hunter warriors? Is that what you’re talking about?
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yes, I believe so.
stuart
									
So in lieu of a police force, if people commit crimes of—I guess a pretty extreme nature—they’re—they get a little wanted poster and then people can take out a contract to go and murder them. And chop off their head and make money.
elliott
									
Collect the bounty. The bounty is only collectible with death, and you take your head to a little talking, like, soda can robot who’s like, [robotic voice] “Why are you here?” Like, it’s the most Wizard of Oz moments in the whole movie. And then you drop the head in a slot and they’re like, [robot voice] “Here are your credits!” [Audience laughs.] Like, that’s pretty much it.
dan
									
Do you think people ever, like… y’know, like how in old cartoons they have a little slug that they put in and like on a string? And like get sodas that way? Like, people have like a head on a string and they pull the head back out afterwards? They—like, people have been getting credits on one head for years?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Probably, yeah. Stuart: Have you, uh—
stuart
									
Have you ever tried that trick?
dan
									
Uh, me?
stuart
									
Yeah.
dan
									
I mean, I’m not from the ‘20s, no. But.
stuart
									
Okay. Or [through laughter] uh, I mean with a head.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Have you ever tried it with a head? Just trying to get you to “yes, and” this bit! Dan: Oh, with a—yes. I have. I have tried it with [inaudible]. Elliott: I mean, I guess—yeah, put a head on a string? Yeah. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Here’s the thing you need to know about Dan. He’s the only one of the three of us who has had improv training, I think, and yet he never “yes, and”s! [Audience cheers, applauds.]
dan
									
Because, frankly, the things you say are absurd. [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: You’re right. I’m so— [Laughs.] You’re right. I apologize. [Laughs.] Dan: Only a lunatic would say “yes” to the things you say!
stuart
									
So Ido is talking to Chiren, who is played by—who is his ex-wife and she’s played by Jennifer Connelly and she’s great. And she is apparently trying to buy her way into Zalem. Which is—Ido doesn’t believe it’s possible and she’s trying to buy her way through the help of a fellow named Vector. Who runs motorball. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Tell us about—tell us— Stuart: There’s a lot of information here. I gotta wade through it all.
stuart
									
We also learn of a dude named Zapan and we learn about—that there’s no guns? Sounds kinda nice, actually! [All laugh.] And more about the hunter warriors.
dan
									
This “no guns” thing will make more sense of what happens later, which is all of the weapons seem to be either sword-based or chains that people throw at people based.
elliott
									
Yeah. It’s like an entire world that only knows samurais and Ghost Rider. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Oh, man, that’s pretty cool!
elliott
									
It’s pretty cool! [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
So Alita goes running off through the streets and she bumps into her pal Hugo, who went—he and his pals are playing a game called motorball, which involves riding around on rocket-powered roller-skates—
elliott
									
I think “rocket-powered” is a bit much. Motorized.
stuart
									
But they’re like—they’re like, yeah! They’re like pushing a button in their hand and it shoots ‘em around.
dan
									
And how does this motorball compare to say, a rollerball?
stuart
									
It’s pretty similar. [Dan laughs.] I mean, you roll—I mean, there’s a ball and they roll and there’s only one robot that I know of involved. But later on there’s a lot of robots, so did I answer your question? [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
[Laughs.] Case closed, counsellor!
stuart
									
So we get a scene that’s like a little bit of a romantic courtship, ‘cause Alita clearly—from the first moment she laid her giant eyes on him— [Audience laughs.] —is in love with Hugo. I mean, he’s a dreamboat. And he kinda is interested in her? But, y’know, he’s a little guarded.
dan
									
Well, he’s also kind of like the first non-dad dude she’s seen. Like, she kind of imprints upon him—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —like a baby duck. Elliott: NDD! Non-dad dude! [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
Like, a little bit.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yes! That’s a good point! Yeah. As soon as she sees him, she goes, “Ahhh. Want that.”
stuart
									
Mm-hm. Yeah. And that all—I mean, that kind of drives her narrative for the rest of the movie! But we’ll get to that. So she rides around. She is much better at motorball than anyone else. And she—let’s see. What other things do we learn? We learn that there’s somebody going around Iron City murdering people. She suspects that it’s her father for—because he’s covered in blood at one point. [All laugh.] I mean, come on. Who is it? Who—it’s inside all of us!
elliott
									
Yeah, that’s the thing, Stuart! It usually stays inside!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: If it’s covering the outside of you, there’s been a problem! Yeah! [Laughs.] Stuart: I mean, if you’re doing it right, I guess. But. [Laughs.] So— [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
It’s very rare that like you just spring a leak and it just gets on you. Like a pen broke or something.
stuart
									
So Ido dons the—Ido dons the garb of what we will later learn to be a hunter warrior, which is a cool, black, leather duster and a giant, like preacher’s hat.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: [Laughs.] And he’s got this enormous, unwieldy reaper scythe thing? Dan: Yeah. I mean, he’s, like carrying this, like— Stuart: A rocket-powered hammer, yeah.
dan
									
—hammer that’s like basically like the size of Ronan the Accuser’s hammer. But he’s just Christoph Waltz, like, walking around with it. Like a normal dude.
elliott
									
It’s crazy.
dan
									
Yeah. It’s like a—if you were going to a store and you’re like, “I need a weapon to go like kill evil cyborgs,” you—I think you would choose something that you could like wield easily.
elliott
									
Something that wasn’t twice your height?
dan
									
Exactly.
elliott
									
So that you could get it through doorways?
dan
									
[Through laughter] Exactly. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Like, let’s say this. You’re a hunter killer. You know there’s a bounty on a guy—
stuart
									
Hunter warrior.
elliott
									
Hunter warrior. Sorry. You’re a hunter warrior. Sorry. I de-nobilized it. [Audience laughs.] You find a bounty on a guy who’s like four t-stops away. Local? [Audience cheers, applauds.] Thank you. You know what? You’re not gonna make it there in time if you walk. You’re gonna have to take the train. How’re you gonna get that thing through the doors? The doors keep closing on your big scythe-hammer. Everyone on the train is like, “Come on. Can we speed it up? Let’s go, guys!” It reminds me of a time— [All laugh.] —I was on the New York City Subway. A crowded train. And yet—yeah. Boo, boo! [Stuart boos. The audience laughs.] The MTA! Boo!
dan
									
I mean, an actual city—
elliott
									
I mean, no— [Laughs.] Ohhhh! [Audience cheers, applauds.] Wow!
dan
									
Heel turn! Heel turn! Heel turn! [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
The guy brought on an entire bookcase made out of—y’know, those—like, erector-set type metal pieces. Took up a lot of space. And this other guy sitting next to him was going, [thick New York accent] “Hey, what are ya thinking, pal? Come on! What are ya doing? Heyyy!” And then—next stop—
stuart
									
That guy was one of the Ninja Turtles. [Audience cheers, applauds.]
elliott
									
Yeah. The next stop, the heckler got off and he goes, “This is gonna be the best part.” And as he walks off the train I hear him say, “Hey, check out the numb-nuts with the shelves!” [All laugh.] And that is New York in a nutshell.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Wait. He—so he hype-manned his own closing remark? [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Yes. He said, “This is gonna be the best part” and he was getting the most joy out of announcing to the people who were about to get on the train that there’s some idiot—a numb-nuts, in his words—a man whose nuts have no feeling— [Audience laughs.] They are numb, whether through cold or nerve damage. I don’t know. To the point that it’s affected his thinking and he doesn’t know that it’s stupid to bring a whole set of shelves onto a crowded subway train. And so I would say to Christoph Waltz—try a smaller weapon. [All laugh. Scattered applause.]
elliott
									
Thank you! Unearned! [Audience cheers, applauds.] Totally unearned! [Laughs.]
dan
									
And that’s the weapon monologue. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
So yeah. It turns out that Alita’s fears were for naught. Because her father figure Ido is not a murderer. No, no, no! He just kills people as a hunter warrior. And she interrupts his attempt to catch some prey, which is a bunch of all-metal people with human faces? And they have a cool fight. And she kills them all and has a—kills [through laughter] all but one of them. And has this triggered memory where she’s on the moon and she’s fighting people and jumping around and it’s crazy. And then… [Laughs.] The guy—
elliott
									
She’s obviously some kind of battle-bot.
stuart
									
Yeah. She’s clearly a battle-bot. She kicks the arm off of—
dan
									
Like a Comedy Central battle-bot?
elliott
									
Yeah. She’s just like a flat disc with one saw on it. [Audience laughs.] And she’s just bumping into a wall over and over again while the play-by-play announcers try desperately to make it seem entertaining. [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
Now how does she feel about yanking cranks?
elliott
									
Here’s the thing. She is pro-crank-yanking when it’s done by a puppet or artificial human. When done by a meat puppet—a biological human—she considers it offensive.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Okay.
elliott
									
Yeah.
dan
									
Checks out. Anyway. Stuart? [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
By the way, if anyone has seen any cranks that are in need of yanking, contact Comedy Central, care of Viacom Entertainment— [Audience laughs.] —care of Dan McCoy.
dan
									
[Through laughter] Show’s coming back, baby! For some reason! [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh, so—
elliott
									
What’s better? What better time for a crank call show in an era where nobody picks up their phone if they don’t recognize the number? [All laugh.] It’s calling out for it! [Audience laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Caller ID says “Crank Yank.” Dan: Someone just—someone— [All laugh.] Elliott: “Caller ID says ‘Rude Puppet!’ I better pick it up!” Stuart: That can’t be right. I bet it’s— [Laughs.]
dan
									
[Through laughter] At this point, every time I answer a call, my crank is being yanked by someone who wants to sell me some sort of vehicle insurance for a vehicle I don’t own. So. I’ve been yanked. Anyway. [Audience laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It says—it says— Elliott: “I’ve been yanked. I’m Dan McCoy.” [All laugh.]
dan
									
“For the yanked, it’s me.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: “My caller ID says Boys, Jerky?” Elliott: That’s the Orson Scott Card book, Speaker for the Yanked? [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Sorry, you were saying, Stuart.
stuart
									
So what I was saying is, there’s one giant weird-looking robot named Grewiss? Grewishka?
elliott
									
Grewishka.
stuart
									
Who gets his arm kicked off and he’s like, “Ah! I’ll never forget you!” and then jumps down a hole. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
This—now this is the thing Grewishka is gonna continue to do, is get his ass handed to him and then yell “Grewishka will remember this!” and run away. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Okay. So at this point, we then cut back into a beautiful high-rise where we see Vector and Chiren having a conversation. Vector, of course, played by Mahershala Ali, another Oscar winner. [Light whooping from audience.]
dan
									
This is a very stacked cast, by the way.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, it’s stacked. Elliott: Yeah. The cast is very good.
elliott
									
I mean, for a movie with a big budget, they could afford great actors. And he has a performance we’ll get to later in the movie that I think is a genuinely great scene on his part.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. So Grewishka shows up. His arm’s been kicked off. He ain’t happy about it. He’s like, “Ah, I’m gonna kill that Alita!” Meanwhile, all of a sudden, he starts acting weird. And it appears like he is being controlled by someone else. And we’re introduced to yet another character, named Nova. [Dramatic pause.] That’s it. [Audience laughs.] Your eyes go blue and Nova can control you. He also can control Vector. Okay. I guess—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: I guess that’s that. He seems to be, like, the big bad guy. Elliott: Nova seems to be the big bad boss. Yeah.
stuart
									
And everybody can’t stop talking about Alita! We now—Alita and Hugo go on a date to the motorball stadium, where a bunch of robots ride around on a track and break each other and try and carry a ball… somewhere? The ball is not that important, really.
elliott
									
Now, when you say robots—I just wanna clarify—they are mostly cyborgs.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah, they’re cyborgs. Elliott: Human heads, but entirely robot bodies.
elliott
									
And their arms have like big blades and buzz saws? Which makes me wonder—what are these guys doing when it’s not motorball time? Like— [Audience laughs.] What are they doing with all those buzz saws when it’s not time to fight?
stuart
									
Do you think they stick their head on a different body? Like… like, “Normally, when I’m not motorballing, I like my head to be on a gardener body.”
elliott
									
Yeah. Maybe. I could see that.
stuart
									
“I like to be in a body that’s a sawblade. Or just a— [Laughs.] Like, a triangle of wood that can flip other bots over!” [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Oh, you’re saying so they get more battle-bot-y over time? Yeah.
dan
									
By the way—
stuart
									
Those streets are tough, Elliott! [Laughs.]
dan
									
By the way, for anyone who did not watch Alita before the show, like… having watched Alita, I flash on when Stuart is telling about the movie to like, this must be how anyone who does not care about science fiction feels when someone tries to explain a science fiction thing? [Audience laughs.] They’re like, “’Cause then Vector is in charge of a motorball and Alita goes there—” And I’m like, oh, god, just stop it. Just— [Audience laughs.] Whatever. Whatever you’re selling to me, I’ll buy it.
elliott
									
It reminds me of the time Tom Brokaw wouldn’t stop talking to me about Dune! [Audience cheers, applauds.] [Tom Brokaw voice] “Uh, Elliott, here’s the gist of the story.” [Audience laughs.] “It’s the tale of Paul Atreides, the young heir to House Atreides. And how he manages to win the war for Arrakis. Not by dominating the planet, but by losing himself in the culture of the Fremen [pronounces it “free men”]. It’s spelled ‘fremen’ [pronounces it so that it rhymes with “Yemen”] and so for quite some time… I thought it was pronounced ‘fremen.’” [Audience laughs.] “Now, the interesting thing about the book—although all of it is interesting—is—" [Laughs.]
dan
									
Tom, Tom. Tom. We have another show tonight. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
“I’ll be happy to tell them about Dune as well.” [Laughs.] [Audience cheers, applauds.] [Regular voice] Greatest hits! Stu, take it away!
stuart
									
So. [All laugh.] Hugo has a conversation with Vector at the motorball arena, and Vector gets him and his crew of buddies to don masks and attack another motorball guy and [through laughter] chop off his arm so they can get his precious grindcutter. We’ll be seeing more of that later.
elliott
									
Which is like he can—there’s like blades at the end of chains that he has like finger-chain blades that fly out.
stuart
									
His fingers turn into chain-blades that fly out. I mean, everybody knows [through laughter] what a grindcutter is. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Sorry. I’m sorry. I forgot. I forgot this was Boston.
stuart
									
Thank you. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
Where I’m sure a grindcutter is a kind of sandwich. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
So yeah. They like jump this dude and chop his arms off. It’s really messed up. [Laughs.] Okay. The next day, Hugo and his friends—including Alita—go on a date into [through laughter] the Badlands where they find an URM warship that has been crash-landed. [Audience laughs.] Now, you’re probably wondering—what’s this “URM” Stuart’s talking about? The whole time, Dan was like, “Tell me more about URM! It’s making my worm squirm!” [All laugh.]
dan
									
This was a big argument we had during the thing because it becomes clear that Alita is one of these URM who—
elliott
									
It’s like the United Republic of Mars or something.
dan
									
Yeah. They’re the ones—
stuart
									
Yeah, URM, dude!
dan
									
They were the ones that Earth was fighting that led to the fall, and I’m like—all through the movie, I’m like, “This is gonna be addressed at some point, right? That she’s one of these URM? Like, this is gonna happen—"
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It’s gonna cause our conflict, yeah. Dan: Like, never addressed.
elliott
									
This is—because as I was saying to Dan—it’s like he was watching Star Wars and Luke says, “You fought with my father in the Clone Wars?” And Dan was like, “Why won’t they stop and tell me more about the Clone Wars?” [Audience laughs.] “I’m enjoying this adventure too much! I want a history lesson!”
dan
									
That would make sense if Luke had fought in the Clone Wars and they never mention it again. Our main character—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Then how about this. You are— Dan: —is part of the enemy combatants and it’s never addressed, Elliott! [Audience laughs, applauds.]
elliott
									
So you’re—so Dan—okay. Let’s say this. Let’s say… we’re less than 300 years from the Revolution War. Boston? And— [Audience cheers.] Let’s say—out of hibernation, a British soldier—a Tory or somewhat—appeared. Would people would be like, “Get the fuck outta here, dude. We fought you away.” They’d be like—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: “Hey, whatcha—whatcha like?” Stuart: “Take off that bearskin cap!”
elliott
									
Yeah! They’d be like, “Hey, what’s going on?”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: We don’t hold 300-year-old grudges. Well, some people do. Dan: What if that Tory was from another planet—
dan
									
—and they were the last one? How about that, Elliott?
elliott
									
I’d wanna meet them even more, Dan! [Audience laughs.] So this is what you’re saying. You are William Goldman watching The Big Lebowski and going, “I can’t wait to see this bowling championship!” [Audience cheers, applauds.]
dan
									
That is not what I’m saying. I just want one line addressing, like, either like—“Oh, you know what? I was an URM but like your Earth ways have converted me.” Or being—I forget what the other thing is. I don’t care. The point is, we were watching it and we argued about it and it was the—like, the—the closest I’ve come to being actually angry at Elliott. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
I thought Dan was gonna quit the show, he was so mad that I did not agree with him that there should’ve been more URM talk.
crosstalk
									
Dan: It was comically dismissive of me! Stuart: Dan, Dan, Dan!
stuart
									
Dan, the thing is, you’re not the only person who’s interested in the URM stuff. Because Alita is also interested. [Audience cheers, applauds.] As she sneaks about the URM ship and finds a robot body—which we learn is a Berserker body, an ultimate killing machine body—which her father is like, “I’m not putting your fucking head on that thing. That’s crazy.” [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Which, to be fair—if my son came to me and said, “Hey, I found this cool robot monster body—” [Audience laughs.] “Will you put my brain in?” I would be like, “No!” [Audience laughs.] “When you turn 18, what you wanna do with your body is your business. But as long as you live under my roof, you are not putting your brain in a monster body.”
dan
									
I mean, again—to be fair—you are primarily known for writing for The Daily Show, writing for Mystery Science Theater, the upcoming Saloon. You are not really known for putting brains in anybody’s—
elliott
									
That’s true. I would also say, “I’m not qualified to do this work.” [Audience laughs.] “But when you turn 18, if you want me to do it, I will do my best because I love you and I respect your life choices when you turn 18. Look. If you wanna body-mod yourself like crazy, get one of those lizard tongues, I don’t know. When you’re 18.”
stuart
									
And Alita’s basically a teenager, so she runs off. Puts on a cool-ass duster. [Laughs.] Goes to—she goes to the hunter killer academy or wherever the fuck it is. It’s like a church. Okay. I get it.
elliott
									
It’s like the City Hall and also the building where Vector has his offices? It’s the one nice skyscraper in town.
stuart
									
Yeah. So she goes there and she signs up. She becomes a hunter warrior. And then she—and with Hugo in tow, head to a bar called “Kansas Bar”—I don’t know why—that’s filled with hunter warriors, including a fellow named Zapan who has a human face and a little metal beard and a sword that Alita likes. There’s also actor Jeff Fahey is playing a bounty hunter who has a metal beard as well and a bunch of metal dogs.
elliott
									
Well, and he’s dressed up like a cowboy.
dan
									
Yeah. And he disappears from the movie way too fast. ‘Cause he’s fucking [inaudible].
stuart
									
Yeah. You wanna watch a movie about him. I get it.
dan
									
Yeah.
elliott
									
I mean, it’s hard to see a character who is a cyborg sheriff with cyborg dogs in your movie and not be like, “We found the star of the movie, everybody!” [All laugh.] The same way that in Bright, that centaur mounted policeman cop shows up and you’re like, “Finally. The movie!” [Audience laughs.] And then he just walks offscreen or whatever.
stuart
									
So Alita goes there and she antagonizes all the hunter warriors. She’s like, “You gotta help me find this guy, Grewishka.” And they’re like, “Who? He’s not even—there’s not even a bounty on his head!” And she’s like, “Wow! Somebody’s protecting him!” They don’t care.
elliott
									
It’s a weird moment. She’s like, “Who stands with me in this fight?” And you’re like, “I don’t even know what the fight is and I’ve been watching you since you woke up.” Like…
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. So… Ido shows up as well, and then of course Grewishka shows up. And just like Jason X, he’s gotten an upgrade .’Cause he’s got a grindcutter for an arm and I think his body is painted slightly different. And he uses his grindcutter to kill the only really cool character in the movie. That’s right—the tiny little dog who followed Alita. [Sad audience “aww.”] You don’t see it. It’s off camera. But it’s still sad. Alita takes it well, by smearing the dog’s blood’s face on her. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. She takes the dog’s blood and smears it under her eyes, like, “Put me in, Coach.”
stuart
									
Yeah. So… she’s like, “Okay, Grewishka, let’s battle.” And he’s like, “I got this new thing” and they’re like “wow” and then he— [All laugh.] He opens a hole in the ground and he’s like, “I’ll remember you always!” and jumps in the hole and she’s like, “Well, I’m coming after you, dude!” And then he tells her the story about how he was like down—like, he lives in the hole and he loves being in the hole. [All laugh.] And this dude Nova found him and like… brought him out of the hole and he’s like, “Cool.” So they battle and Alita’s like—
elliott
									
That’s very—that’s entirely accurate, by the way. [All laugh. Some applaud.] That’s pretty much the story he tells!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I just realized—I—I just realized—if you wanna imagine Grewishka— Stuart: And so he like chases her throwing these fingers at her. And she’s dodging ‘em.
elliott
									
—here’s a common cultural reference. It’s Overt-Kill, the cyborg with a human head from Spawn. Okay. Done. Now you know what he looks like.
stuart
									
So she’s running away from these fingers. He keeps throwing them at her. And eventually she’s like, “I’m done running. I’m gonna beat you up.” So she jumps at him and she’s doing this cool corkscrew thing that’s part of her cyborg martial arts called panzer kunst—I forgot to mention that but it’s okay— [All laugh.] And she’s flying through the air and there’s all these fingers flying at her and all of a sudden her body just comes apart because she got caught in the razor fingers.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Yeah, he got her. Stuart: You’re like, “Whoa, Alita’s dead?”
stuart
									
“And the movie’s gonna be over?” Not so fast! ‘Cause she throws herself up in the air and punches him in the eyeball and breaks her own arm off.
dan
									
Yeah. It’s pretty cool.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] It’s awesome. [Laughs.]
dan
									
She’s a torso with one arm and she lands on that arm and like holds herself up by it and then just like goes “WHAM!” and like— [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Uh-huh. I used to think—I used to think that— Dan: That was a little physical stuff for the people at home. Elliott: Yeah. “Wham” and then [inaudible]. Stuart: I used to think that Oro in Street Fighter III: 3rd Strike—
stuart
									
—was cool because he was able to fight against guys like Ryu and all those guys with only one arm? But she doesn’t even have legs! It’s crazy! Okay. So her body’s totally destroyed. Ido takes her and he’s like, “I guess I got only one option” and he sticks her head in the berserker body, which conforms to like… the shape that she wants, I guess? ‘Cause it’s full of nanomachines or something. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
There’s a whole fake made-up science thing where, “Ah! Her brain is psychically changing it to her image! Nanobots!” And it’s like—
stuart
									
Yeah. She starts—
elliott
									
You just have to imagine Christoph Waltz looking at the lines in the script and being like, “How do I make this work?” [Audience laughs.] “How do I act this nonsense gibberish?”
dan
									
I’m gonna fight back against Elliott’s libel that I want more, like, gibberish exposition. Which is to say that—
elliott
									
You said it! With your own mouth! [Audience laughs.] You wanted more talk about this 300-year-ago war that no one cares about! [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
I—it’s a character thing. I wanted a character—but the point is— [All laugh.]
stuart
									
I’m just going “Hrmmm” about the URM!”
elliott
									
I’m just like—I’m just saying, one of the best movies—I think of last year—or was that earlier this year? The Favorite—they don’t even tell you what war she’s fighting and that was a real war! They could’ve filled you with Spanish Succession facts! And yet they said, “We don’t need it. This is a story about the characters, not about the history.”
dan
									
Not actually an accurate analogy. But anyway. The point is… I would like—for the people who are staying for both shows, god bless you and god keep you and, uh—
elliott
									
Godzilla bless you, second show. [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
And you’re maniacs. But… like, Godzilla—that movie is a movie where they waste way, way, way too much time on like science gibberish—
elliott
									
And you would like to visit the same plague upon the House of Alita!
dan
									
No, I’m saying that like… by and large Alita’s very good at being, like, “Uh, I dunno. Nanomachines. Whatever.” And then we just keep on rolling. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
That’s true. That’s true.
stuart
									
So in this new body, Alita seems to be a little more confident. She wears cooler outfits. She—
elliott
									
Yeah, like a Flashdance shirt that’s off one shoulder?
stuart
									
Yeah. And she like—she and Hugo kind of—I don’t wanna say “consummate” their romance? But they like kiss and touch and it’s cool.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Is this when she’s sitting in his window, watching him sleep? Stuart: He’s—he’s—but that—I need to really clearly state that she is way too good for him. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Oh yeah. It’s clear from the beginning that he’s trash and she’s a smash. [All laugh.]
stuart
									
Oh, what—did you write that down before the show?
elliott
									
I did not, but I should’ve! ‘Cause I would’ve come up with a better rhyme. [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
Okay. So as I said before, everybody can’t stop talking about Alita. If she’s not onscreen, people are talking about her. And so Vector is talking about it and he’s like, “I need to kill Alita. Nova wants me to do it.” So he decides to put the squeeze on Hugo, who works for him, chopping up robots, to do something. We don’t know exactly what. But Hugo believes that if he gives Vector enough money, he’ll be able to buy his way into Zalem. Buy his way into heaven. It’s crazy. And we know that’s silly. Everybody—multiple people have this same fantasy that if they pay this guy enough money, they’ll be able to go up and live in heaven, basically.
elliott
									
I mean, it’s a fantasy that many real-life people have. Which is crazy. Because the heaven book they read is exceedingly clear that that is not the way to get into heaven. [All laugh.] But I dunno! Maybe they got a secret heaven book that says, “Money, money, money please!” [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
So Alita wakes Hugo up, who’s sleeping off a hangover and he’s looking pretty smoking, I guess.
elliott
									
Oh, shirt off. Trail. Y’know. Everything.
stuart
									
So she is sitting in his windowsill like a bird of prey. And they hatch a scheme together. She’s like, “Here. You can just sell my heart.” And he’s like—for a rare moment, he’s like, “Wait a minute.” [Laughs.] “I’m not gonna sell your robot heart. Let’s find a different way.” And she’s like, “I’ll just kill a bunch of people for you and you can take the money.” It’s like, no, no, no. “Why don’t you earn the money for both of us by playing motorball?” And we, the audience, are like, “Fuck yeah!” [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
And I—let’s make it clear. I’m not asking for more exposition, Elliott. [Audience laughs.] But— [Audience laughs.] But—this movie does bring up a lot of stuff about human-robot relationships that it does not— [through laughter] does not make clear.
elliott
									
Dan kept saying throughout the movie—while we were watching it—“How do they have sex?” [Audience cheers, applauds.] Dan, they’ve gotta—
dan
									
They had the same thing when I was watching Cars. [Audience cheers, applauds.]
elliott
									
And I’ll say the same thing I said about Cars—they have attachments for that. [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
Alright. [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
Soooo… [Audience cheers, applauds.] Just uh, check my notes.
elliott
									
You were—you wanted the scene where she says—and warning to anyone who’s listening with children—you wanted the scene where she says to him, “Hugo, I can only do mouth stuff.” [Audience laughs.] And that scene—oh, “And also, let me tell you about URM.”
dan
									
That woulda cleared up a lot for me. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
“Hugo, let me go over the sex rules for me. Also, here’s what URM was all about and how I feel about it.” [All laugh.] “Anyway, I guess we don’t have time for me to play motorball anymore.” [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
Give me the DVD with the deleted scenes! I’ll eat ‘em up!
stuart
									
So. Uh… Alita suits up to play some motorball. Meanwhile, Vector is setting her up. He’s got a team of people to murder her instead of worrying about the ball, which seems to be everybody’s case. Her father—though disapproving—supports her and gives her some cool roller-skate feet. Meanwhile, while she’s riding around on the track receiving phone calls from everybody, [through laughter] Hugo goes to find his—Hugo goes to find his scrapper crew and they’re ripping the arms and legs off of some poor guy. And a rival bounty—what—hunter warrior? Zapan—who was made fun of and mocked for his little metal beard—shows up.
elliott
									
Mm-hm. He’s the one with the super-cool sword.
stuart
									
Yup. He shows up. He frames Hugo for murder and then kills Hugo’s friend and chases him around. Alita—finding out that Hugo’s in trouble—leaves the motorball track and like kills a bunch of motorball people. It’s pretty cool. And then [through laughter] she shows up. Saves Hugo for a second, and then Zapan—the evil hunter warrior—is like, “You gotta kill Hugo. He’s a criminal.”
elliott
									
“There’s a bounty on his head.”
stuart
									
And of course, she can’t do that ‘cause she loves him. So Zapan just stabs him. Which—Dan’s like, “Why did you let that happen, Alita?!”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: And we’re like, “’Cause it’s part of the movie!” Elliott: He was so mad at Alita. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
He was—he’s like, “Alita, just take care of it! Before he kills him! Just kill Zapan!” And I was like, “Dan…”
crosstalk
									
Elliott: “You were doing—” But also— Stuart: That’s part of the learning process. Like, everybody has to watch their first boyfriend get stabbed in the stomach. Dan: It’s pretty clear this guy’s a bad guy—
dan
									
—who’s gonna stab him!
elliott
									
It’s—Dan is so falling for the trap the movie has set. [Audience laughs.] I was like, “Dan, you are reacting exactly the way—” Dan’s like, “This movie is busted!” And I’m like, “You’re busted, Dan!” [All laugh.] “You’re doing exactly what the movie wants you to do! You’re a puppet of the movie!”
dan
									
Elliott. If Alita had only listened to me through the movie— [Audience laughs.] —none of the sad stuff would’ve happened.
elliott
									
He is the guy in the movie theater who’s yelling “Don’t go in there!” Not knowing that if the character takes his advice, the movie is over—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —and the fun will be gone. [Through laughter] I don’t—is that what it is? Dan: You’ve lost your childish sense of wonder, sir. [Audience laughs.] Stuart: So Alita runs off with a—
elliott
									
Your childish sense of wonder about what happened in the URM war. [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
And if you were wondering about what’s happened to Hugo now that he’s been stabbed, well, Alita carries him off and then she runs into Chiren, who shows up for some reason, and surgically removes Hugo’s head and connects his head to Alita’s heart, which I think is symbolism, guys. [Audience laughs.] But that allows Alita to reveal to the robots that she chopped his head off and they’re like, “Oh, bounty accumulated!" And then the evil hunter warrior’s like, “But wait! What—what?” And he tries to stop her and the robots are like, “You can do whatever you want to this dude” and she’s like “Thanks!” And takes his sword and chops half his face off. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] And she keeps his sword. Okay. Boom. We’re almost done. [Dan laughs.] We’re in the home stretch! Okay. So. Alita goes after Vector. And then Grewishka shows up and she just totally smokes him. He’s a total wimp. And Vector’s like, “Oh, I hope I have another robot!”
dan
									
But it also—wait. Hold on. It also—I know I’m doing what you hate—but it also turns out that Jennifer Connelly—who wanted to get up to the sky city—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Oh, yeah!
dan
									
—has been harvested for organs. Apparently that’s the only way you can actually get up.
elliott
									
Well, and she—that she was supposed to turn in Alita to get there, but in fact, her being a mother herself, once upon a time, she couldn’t do it. And so she has turned on her evil captors and now had her organs pulled out of her body.
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. So her—yeah. Dan: Now she’s a brain in a jar.
elliott
									
And Vector keeps them in a case in his office. [Laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: Yeah. Elliott: This is also when Alita— Dan: Like, “Hey, look at my brain!”
elliott
									
Alita is fighting all these bad guys on the ground floor and Vector’s like, “Uh-oh! What do I do?” And then Alita bursts through the ceiling and it was like—did she run up all the stairs?
stuart
									
He’s like, “You might think that with a name like Vector I would understand angles.” [All laugh; much applause.]
dan
									
A math joke!
stuart
									
[Through laughter] So. Yeah. So she murders that robot and then like Vector starts talking with Nova’s voice. Nova’s the big bad, remember, and he starts talking some sass and she sasses back. And then eventually she stabs him in the belly and then we get a great scene where Mahershala Ali has to play a guy whose body is dying but is controlled by someone—it’s pretty cool.
elliott
									
His body is dying but he has the voice and personality of this confident villain who is taunting the hero. And I was like, “This is really good—this is really good work. The way—what he’s doing here. Not a joke.” So. It turns out he’s a great actor! I dunno, guys! [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Hey, have you heard about this? [Inaudible.] Elliott: I dunno. Now I guess I gotta go see Moonlight! [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
So we find out that in his dying moment—well, I guess not dying moments, but Nova has sent robots after Hugo, who—in fact—isn’t dead. He’s been attached to a robot. And Hugo has gone running off and we learn that Hugo is trying to—
dan
									
He’s like, climbing a pipe to the sky! [Laughs.]
stuart
									
Yeah. He’s trying to climb his way to Zalem.
elliott
									
There’s these big space elevator cables up to Zalem. And they’re—earlier we saw a flashback where Alita—or does that flashback—no. Where there’s—Alita’s fighting her way up the cables to Zalem and there’s like a big spinning blade that comes down, cutting things up, and now Hugo’s climbing up there. Uh-oh!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Are we gonna see that blade again? Stuart: Alita chases after him.
stuart
									
She’s like, “Don’t do it, dude!” And he’s like, “I’ll do whatever I want!” And, uh— [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
“I’m Hugo! Mah, mah, mah!”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: The giant spinning blade comes— Elliott: “Nothing can stop me. I died and came back!” [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
The giant spinning blade comes flying down and [through laughter] he’s like, “I can jump over this super easy!” Not so fast, sir! And he gets chopped into little pieces. She jumps after him. She catches him, but his arm breaks [through laughter] and he falls.
dan
									
And turns out there’s nothing funnier than seeing a limbless head— [Audience laughs.] [through laughter] —fall, like, a little—
crosstalk
									
Dan: Like, arms waving… Oh, no, no, no. Look. I’m not— Elliott: Not in—no. Not en—not endorsed. This opinion is not endorsed by the rest of The Flop House.
dan
									
I’m not making fun of any like real thing that—
crosstalk
									
Dan: —has happened in the world. Stuart: Wow. Elliott: Making it worse! [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
I’m making fun of a robot man who has been chopped up who’s falling—
elliott
									
This is not gonna age well in our post-human future. [Audience cheers, applauds.]
dan
									
Oh, god. What have I done?
stuart
									
So Alita survives and she vows vengeance. She’s gonna find a way to Zalem! And the only way she can do it is by—I guess—playing more motorball! So she shows up to the motorball stadium. She does some—she, y’know, strikes a pose. She points her sword at the floating city. And on the floating city, we see why Nova was so confident. That’s right—because he’s played by Edward Norton! [All laugh.] With a white mullet! [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
It is— [Laughs.] It is interesting how fully putting, like, little steampunk glasses and a bleach job on Edward Norton disguises him. Because it is not until he takes the glasses off that we’re like, “Holy shit.” [Audience laughs.] “It’s the original [through laughter] Incredible Hulk!”
elliott
									
Uh, no—not at all, Dan! [Audience cheers, applauds.] Not at all! [Audience laughs.] Not at all. He’s not even the original Incredible Hulk in the movies, Dan! [Audience laughs.] That’s Eric Bana! [All laugh.] Lou Ferrigno predates both of them!
dan
									
[Sighs.] I knew that would anger you. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah. [All laugh.] Now I know what it’s like when someone doesn’t tell me enough about URM! [Dan laughs.] And they are clearly setting this movie up for a sequel.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I don’t know if that’s gonna happen. The big, leather-bound volume. Stuart: So now this is where we close the book on Alita: Battle Angel. That’s right! Because it was based on books!
stuart
									
Books that I read some of in preparation for this! [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
And what did you learn from those books?
stuart
									
Yeah, let’s talk about Final Judgments now. This is where we make final judgments on whether this was a good movie, a bad movie, or a movie we kinda liked. Uh… I—y’know, I liked the books quite a bit. I think they’re a little— [Laughs.] They’re certainly a little weirder. They’re filled with a lot of cyborgs that clearly have made [through laughter] strong life choices. [Audience laughs.] And I kinda liked the—in the movie, like, a big part of the movie is the relationship between Hugo and Alita, and they make him a little redeemable in this? Like, he’s a jerk idiot. But he’s not, like, a murderer. And in the comics he’s basically a murderer and doesn’t care about her at all. But her, like, wide-eyed love for him is so—like, it feels so real because—like, when you’re young you’re dumb [through laughter] and you make bad decisions. And you love people [through laughter] who don’t deserve it. Um… but I— [Laughs.] All that aside— [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Yeah, you okay, Stu? [Audience cheers, applauds.] Is there anything you wanna talk about? Oh. Oh, buddy.
stuart
									
[With fake tears] Can I tell you who my guys are? [Elliott laughs.] Uh— [Laughs.] So—
elliott
									
Tell me—tell me about the [inaudible] we had at the Laugh Factory.
stuart
									
But we’ve—I mean, it’s—
elliott
									
Comedy.
stuart
									
—it’s fast. There’s a lot of information in there and not—there’s probably too much information? Except the URM stuff. I don’t wanna talk about that. [Audience laughs.] But I mean, the motorball stuff’s great and the actors are fun and Christoph Waltz is fine. So I would say— [Audience laughs.] I would say this is a movie I like. Like, this is—I mean… yeah. This is definitely a movie I liked. [Some cheering and applause from audience.]
elliott
									
Yeah. I—the, uh—
stuart
									
Yeah! I mean, this is a movie I love! [More cheering, applause, and laughter.]
elliott
									
Yeah. People loved it. People loved it. I was—I’ll admit it. I was ready to go into this movie not liking it. Because I found the giant eyes so off-putting. [Audience laughs.] And I was like, “This movie’s not Big Eyes. What’s going on?” Or Big Fish! A big fish would have big eyes, too! Or Big, with Tom Hanks.
stuart
									
Uh-huh.
crosstalk
									
Dan: His eyes didn’t really get that much bigger. Elliott: Big [inaudible].
dan
									
When he got big. Tom Hanks.
elliott
									
Well, yeah. ‘Cause your eyes are just kinda the same size throughout your life, I guess? But anyway. So. [Audience laughs.] But—after I got over the fact that Alita doesn’t have a whole lotta personality at first? I also really liked it in the end. It—the—I found that there are a lot of good action scenes in it. I liked some of the characters and the design work looks real cool. Here’s—oh.
stuart
									
And it’s bright.
elliott
									
And it’s brightly-colored. It’s not like grey and grim and dark-looking.
stuart
									
You’re not watching—I don’t know—giant monsters fight in [through laughter] dark, snowy scenes. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Save it for the late show! [Audience laughs.] But I will say this. So I did like this movie. But Hollywood? I’m gonna throw down the gauntlet. I want you to find me a new set of iconographies for future cities. Let’s put Blade Runner aside. It’s beautiful. Not—doesn’t really work for me as a movie, but it works for me very well as a coffee table book. [Audience laughs.] Let’s put Blade Runner aside. Let’s set Road Warrior aside with all the leather and the spikes and chains. That’s great. But let’s set it aside. I want you to think about a new vision of the future. Because as much as I liked Alita, there were times where I’d be like—
stuart
									
Aside from Wakanda, right?
elliott
									
Wakanda’s a step in the right direction. Because at least it moves away—we’ve had a solid 30 years of future equals Asian. Which is great. But I’ve seen a lot of it. Wakanda’s like, future equals Africa. Great. I love it. Let’s see more of that. But hey—what about like a really crazy future? It’s supposed to be 300 years in the future—and the people’s phones? They don’t look that cool. [Audience laughs.] And I know in 300 years, people are gonna have super cool phones. [Audience laughs.] So Hollywood? Next time you make a future movie, think about how cool the phones should be. [Stuart laughs.] But that aside, I liked it. So.
stuart
									
[Through laughter] You’ve been Elliott Kalan.
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah. For The Flop House, I’m Elliott Kalan. Goodnight, everybody! No, Dan, you have to talk, right? [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
That could be the name of the podcast. [All laugh.] “Dan, you have to talk, right?” [Audience cheers, applauds.] Uh… yeah. I liked it. It was good. Like—
elliott
									
So on a scale from zero to 10 URMs, how many URMs would you give it? [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
Uh, seven URMs. I gave it seven URMS. It was like, a little too convoluted. A little too long. But I liked it. But let’s move on. We usually take some questions form the audience to close out the show. We have to be a little more tight-assed about, like, shutting it down this time.
stuart
									
Yeah. Keep it quick.
dan
									
There’s a microphone there—
elliott
									
Right there. So we’re gonna need to see a mad dash scramble to get over there. [Audience laughs.] If you wanna ask your questions. Because we don’t have a lot of time to waste.
dan
									
We got 15 minutes.
elliott
									
We don’t have a lot of time to eat up. And you know what that means— [Audience laughs.] [Singing] We don’t have time for a song tonight! [Audience cheers, applauds.] We don’t have time for a rhyme tonight! We don’t have time to eat limes tonight! [Audience laughs.] I’m sorry; there’s just no time. If I had the time, I’d sing you a song so loud and so long—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —so proud and so strong—I’d sing you that song— Dan: Oh, I got an email about checking in for my flight tomorrow!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: —but we just don’t have the tiiii-iiii-iiime. Stuart: Is that, uh, Delta, or Jet Blue? Oh, Jet Blue, huh? Dan: Yeah.
elliott
									
I wish we had hours and hours of time! [Audience laughs.] I wish we had hours and hours to be togetherrrrr! [Dan sighs audibly.] But we don’t. [Regular voice] Question number one, please! Alright. Let’s hear it. [Audience cheers, applauds.] Thank you. Oh, thanks! [Singing] Well hey, people seem to like that song! [Audience cheers, applauds.]
dan
									
No! No!
elliott
									
Okay. Question number one, please.
carl
									
My name is Carl, last name withheld.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Hi, Carl. Thanks for being here. Dan and Stuart: Hello.
carl
									
Hey! One of my favorite old Flop House bits was in ATM when Elliott made a joke about those old X-Files bumpers that went “The X-Files is brought to you by Rold Gold Pretzels!” [All laugh.]
elliott
									
That guy was the quickest voice changer in the biz!
crosstalk
									
Carl: He is. And I— Elliott: Yeah. And I have—I think I mentioned—
elliott
									
I had argument with my former roommate, Ryan Chan, who lives in Boston now, about whether it was two different— [Someone whoops.] —or the same guy. [Audience laughs.]
carl
									
Yes!
elliott
									
Clearly the same guy. Yes?
carl
									
Uh, my favorite thing about that—not only is it funny, but it sort of—like, I thought I was the only guy in the world who remembered how weird those were. So in your life, what are your favorite jokes that are extra-funny because it seems like they were made for you and only you?
elliott
									
Hmmm. Hmmm.
dan
									
Jokes that were made only for us. Um…
elliott
									
Hmmm.
stuart
									
I mean, like, I dunno. [Laughs.] It’s taking me—at the time I felt like when I first started watching—
elliott
									
Dan, are you okay?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: You just… leaving? Dan: No, it’s, I—uh, I’m just taking a thinking stroll. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] A thinking stroll? I will say, there’s an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 where— [Some whoops from audience.] Yep, great show. Where something laughs and then I think it’s Bill Corbett as Crow goes, “Ha, ha, ha! Raceway Park!” And those are commercials that aired in my local area! And I was like… how did they know about that? [Audience laughs.] And every time I hear the laughter at the beginning of Wipeout, I always think it’s the Raceway Park jingle. So.
stuart
									
Yeah. I was telling [through laughter] my wife—we were watch—this has nothing to do with it. But I was telling my wife when we were driving up, we were listening to “Sharp Dressed Man” By ZZ Top, and every time I hear the scat lines where he’s like, [seriously] “Black tie,” I always think it’s like the Mason Verger actor from the TV show Hannibal. But let’s move on. Uh— [Laughs.] I would say… I—at the time when I saw, like, Venture Bros., it felt like—at the time it felt like, “Oh, wow, this is made for me!” And then I’m like, “Oh, wait. I’m just a boring white guy from a certain age.” [Audience laughs.] But like—I think it was an episode of Rick & Morty where they had the character Scary Terry who kept saying “Bitch” all the time. [Audience laughs.] I’m like, “Oh, yeah! I feel like that’s a Flop House bit!”
elliott
									
Yeah. [Audience laughs.] He’s a Freddy Krueger parody. That’s what [inaudible].
dan
									
Uh— [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Dan was thinking of the joke!
dan
									
I don’t have like a good one. Like, I think that this—this mostly comes up less with like… with pop culture. Of course, as it does, with like friends. Like, with you, Elliott, or—
stuart
									
The TV show Friends?!
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Yeah.
dan
									
Or when I’m with my brother. Like just like talking about stuff. And making references to nonsense that like—yesterday, we were basically doing lines from Animal Crackers verbatim.
elliott
									
Yeah. We were talking about where they’re looking in the shots.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Like, what their eye level— Dan: The Marx Brothers. Stuart: Sorry I missed that! [Laughs.] [Audience laughs, applauds.]
dan
									
Marx Brothers movie.
elliott
									
And I told you my new favorite line from Duck Soup, which I didn’t realize until I watched it again recently—as part of my and my son’s “every Marx Brothers movie chronologically” project—we’re in the bad ones right now. [Audience laughs.] When Chet goes on trial and they go, “When were you born?” And he goes, “I don’t remember! I was just a little baby!” [Audience laughs.] And he says it so seriously. [Audience laughs.] Yeah. It’s nice to remember things with friends. Question number two, please! [Dan laughs.]
norman
									
Hi, guys, Norman, last name withheld.
elliott
									
Thanks. Got it.
norman
									
Exactly. So ever since Elliott talked about his unproduced script with Robert Moses as the bad guy—
crosstalk
									
Norman: I was curious to get your guys’ insight on— Elliott: Yeah, yeah. Surreal Estate, it was called.
elliott
									
Well, it’s dead now, but alright.
norman
									
Well I was curious to get your guys’ insight on what little-known villain would make a good Flop House villain and a good blockbuster villain.
elliott
									
Oh, a little-known—
dan
									
Like, a real-life villain? Is that what—
norman
									
Yeah, like a historical villain.
stuart
									
[Laughs.] John Landis. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Wow. Wow. [Audience cheers, applauds.] Shots fired! Shots fired! Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!
stuart
									
[Through laughter] He killed people! [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] I can’t legally—not proven in court.
dan
									
I can’t believe that supernatural comedy you wrote about Robert Moses never went anywhere, Elliott!
elliott
									
It wasn’t just about Robert Moses. It was also about Jane Jacobs! [Audience laughs.] Uh, let’s see. Like a real—there’s so many good ones! I mean, this is not a—this is not as obscure. But the—I’m watching a—for another podcast that John Hodgman and I are doing for Maximum Fun as a donors thing, we’re watching I, Claudius together. [Audience cheers, applauds.] And I’m like—
stuart
									
Boo, yeah.
elliott
									
It’s—and I’m getting really into ancient Rome and I’m like, “Oh, there’s so many weirdos in ancient Rome!” Like, it’s such a weird—and when I was young I thought Rome was so boring and now the more I read about it the more I’m like, “This is the craziest time there ever was!” [Audience laughs.] Everyone’s a weirdo!
dan
									
I’m a lot dumber than Elliott, so…
elliott
									
Oh, well, I’ll also say—okay. Charles Guiteau, the man who shot James Garfield. Who was a real—also a real weirdo. Okay.
dan
									
Yeah. I’m like trying to think of like history and I’m like, “Oh, wait, I don’t know history.” [Audience laughs.] So let’s just say—what if there were more movies about Gollums? [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Okay. I mean, there have been a few! [Dan laughs.] Elliott: But I guess for a guy who thinks the Hulk is a new character, okay! That’s… Stuart:  I mean, he’s misunderstood! I mean… [Audience laughs.] Dan: He was not [inaudible]. Elliott: Thinks Ed Norton originated the role of the Hulk. Stuart: He was [inaudible] by the power of the Ring, Dan!
dan
									
There’s not a—okay.
elliott
									
There’s never been one called The Gollum, right? There is.
dan
									
I don’t know why you’re berating me. [Audience laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: ‘Cause it’s fun! Dan: Other than that’s our bit. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
I hope that satisfies you. If it doesn’t, I’m sorry. Next question, please!
erica
									
Uh, hi. I’m Erica, last name withheld. I was gonna ask a question about the URMic Wars, but since that’s kind of like— [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Let’s not open that bandage. Dan: Thank you. Thank you.
erica
									
I was gonna ask… Christoph Waltz in this movie—
stuart
									
Is fine. We’ve covered that. [All laugh.]
erica
									
I mean, and not to dunk on him more, but he’s—this is now the second movie that he’s been in where he’s like played a character that’s involved with a character with big eyes, so what’s all that about? [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
He’s typecast by Hollywood as this character who’s involved with big-eyes characters!
stuart
									
Now I think part of it is that he does kind of look like the character—the way the character’s drawn in the comics. Like, he’s got that kind of—I don’t know—Mac Tonight type quality. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Mac Tonight!
dan
									
Well why didn’t they just go get Jay Leno, then? I don’t understand—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] That’s true. Why didn’t they get famed actor, box office draw, Jay Leno?
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Ever since he teamed up with Pat and Rita— Dan: Well, you know.
elliott
									
—he’s been a box office legend.
dan
									
You see this, [inaudible]? Are you seeing this?
elliott
									
So I would say—I just wanna say something about Christoph Waltz here. I like Christoph Waltz a lot. I don’t think he—I think he’s really great. But for some reason they’ve been putting him in roles that are just like not the right ones for him and the fact that the main character—that this character’s last name is “Ido” tells me that this should probably be a Japanese character— [Audience laughs.] —with a Japanese actor? Not a “Famously Austrian actor.” It’s not even that they could be like, “We didn’t know where he was from! I dunno! Is he known for playing Germano-Austrian characters? I don’t know!” So he maybe wasn’t right for this one. But hey, Christoph. You know what? I still like you. Save the last Waltz… for me. [Audience cheers, applauds.]
dan
									
Can’t say anything after that!
elliott
									
Yeah.
ryan
									
Ryan, last name withheld.
elliott
									
Is you or something you’re looking for? [All laugh.] You might be a hunter warrior. [Dan laughs.]
ryan
									
A lot of movies become cult classics, but only a few become like midnight movie, like, showings? Where you shout at the screen and there’s like a shadow cast and you throw things at the screen and stuff. Like The Room. And Rocky Horror. What movie that’s a cult classic would you guys elevate to a midnight madness sort of thing? And what would you shout-scream? Would you throw it at? Like, for example, would you throw like a Hostess Ding Dongs at the screen during a certain scene of a certain movie, Stuart? [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Interesting.
stuart
									
I am picking up what you’re putting down. [All laugh.]
dan
									
I just… I just remembered that from our last live show we had some audio problems so we should probably start repeating questions after people ask them, by the way.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Great time to remember it, Dan! Stuart: So you could—you could do that. [Audience cheers, applauds.]
elliott
									
Spot on! [Dan laughs.] Earning the producer credit once again! [Audience cheers, applauds.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: The question is “What—” Stuart: So Dan, do you remember the question—
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Or were you too busy thinking about that part?
dan
									
“What would elevate a mere—"
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Well, what movie would you—would we elevate. And I think— Dan: —to a midnight movie smash. What movie would—yes. Would we elevate.
elliott
									
It’s kind of obvious for me. There’s a little guy. He goes by the initials N.B. And he’s got a little movie called Fateful Findings. That’s right. It’s Neil Breen! [Audience cheers, applauds.] And that movie is… a strange work of maniac outsider art. And I think I would throw laptops at the screen— [Audience cheers, applauds.] —every time he hurls his laptops off the decks in anger. Or also—in any of the scenes where he is kissing a woman and it pans down and a shirt falls on the ground— [Audience laughs.] —which signifies in his unique, artistic iconography, sex. I would throw a shirt at the screen. [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
But I think he beat you to the punch because he doesn’t let any theater screen his movies past 7PM.
elliott
									
For exactly this reason, I think!
stuart
									
For that exact reason, yeah!
dan
									
Yeah. He does not want to be a figure of fun.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Uh-huh. Stuart: Too late!
dan
									
Neil Breen.
stuart
									
Uh, I don’t know. I would say… one of my favorite Halloween movies is a movie called Night of the Demons— [Faint whoops from audience.] —and it’s this great—yeah, it’s a great horror movie. Great Halloween movie. And I feel like it’d be a blast to watch as a midnight movie where you throw candy or… apples with razor blades in ‘em at the screen or something. [Audience laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Stuart: You can do that, right? Elliott: Do you have to make those yourself or you get ‘em at the theater?
stuart
									
[Through laughter] Well you have to make ‘em yourself or else you don’t get the love. Um— [Audience laughs.] So that’s what I would say. Night of the Demons. Daniel?
dan
									
Uh… y’know, I—I am a big proponent of—my favorite zombie film is Return of the Living Dead— [Solitary cheer from audience.] Which is, y’know, popular amongst horror-comedy folk but not necessarily like huge in the world. I even, like—
elliott
									
It’s not on the AFI list, yeah.
dan
									
Well I was looking at best bad horror movie lists? ‘Cause I was like gonna do a screening of some bad horror movies and there’re all these lists with like movies that are clearly meant to be tongue-in-cheek and that was one of them on there and it made me very angry. But Return of the Living Dead, punk-rock version of a zombie film and I think you should throw a merkin at the screen.
stuart
									
Yeah, merkins. Yeah. We both have the same joke. [Dan laughs.] Merkins. [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
In honor of the scene where—
elliott
									
So you gotta buy a merkin?
dan
									
Yeah! [Audience laughs.] You gotta buy a—like—
stuart
									
No, they have ‘em in the fucking movie theater lobby!
dan
									
If you’re a true fan, Elliott, you gotta commit.
elliott
									
I guess that’s true. Yeah.
dan
									
You gotta go to the Merkin Warehouse. I don’t—
elliott
									
I’m sure it’s Merkin.com.
dan
									
Gotta go down to Merkin It. I don’t know. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
“Merkin It?” I dunno. Alright.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: I hope that answered your question! Stuart: Maybe do another pass at that one?
elliott
									
I hope what you wanted to hear was that. So thank you very much. [Audience laughs.] Okay. Coming up next. Next questioner.
matt
									
Hey, I’m Matt. Uh, first-time, long-time. Thanks for coming out—
elliott
									
Matt, last name is “First-Time-Long-Time.” Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. [Audience laughs.]
matt
									
It’s a family name. So this movie was released—
dan
									
They all are! [Laughs.] [All laugh. Some applaud and cheer.]
elliott
									
Dan, sometimes you do tickle me. [All laugh.]
matt
									
I’ll see myself out. So this movie was released as Alita: Battle Angel, but the manga it’s based on is Battle Angel Alita. And I thought—
elliott
									
Well, they read backwards in Japan. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
matt
									
And I thought of this question when the Friendly Fire episode in the donor feed reviewed Edge of Tomorrow, which has its name changed to Live, Die, Repeat and is now officially known as Live, Die, Repeat. So were there any movies that you would officially change the title of to something else?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: There’s a movie— Dan: Are there any movies we would officially change the title of to something else? [All laugh.]
elliott
									
There’s a movie—
stuart
									
So there’s a movie starring Guy Pearce where he has to break into a jail that’s in outer space.
dan
									
Yeah, yeah. [Audience cheers, applauds.]
matt
									
Yeah!
stuart
									
Any sane person would’ve called it Space Jail! [Elliott laughs.]
elliott
									
But what do they call it? The Breakout?
crosstalk
									
Stuart: It’s like—The Great Escape? Dan: Lockout. Lockdown is the—Lockout. Elliott: Lockout. Lockdown. Lockout? Lockdown? Terrible.
elliott
									
Space Jail? I can’t forget it! [Audience laughs.] That’s like—there’s a movie with—is it The Rock and some other dude and it’s called—I think—The Roundup? Or something like that?
matt
									
Rundown.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah, The Rundown. It’s got— Stuart: The Rundown. The Roundabout? Elliott: The Rundown? And the original title was—
elliott
									
And the original title was Helldorado, which is a much better name. [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
I mean, I think we talked about when we did Devil that it should be Hellevator.
elliott
									
Should be called Hellevator, yeah.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Obvious name! Elliott: ‘Cause it’s about— Stuart: Or we…
stuart
									
Are we done with Devilvator? I thought that was pretty good, too. [Laughs.]
elliott
									
Devilvator? I don’t—
dan
									
Let me explain to you backstage why that’s worse. [All laugh.]
elliott
									
I mean, it’s still better than Devil.
crosstalk
									
Dan: Oh, yeah, yeah. Elliott: Don’t get me wrong.
elliott
									
Which doesn’t get across the most salient point, which is that elevator. [Audience laughs.] But then again, even Elevator is not a good name for that, ‘cause—as George Carlin pointed out—it goes down as well as up. And the name only tells half the story. That’s a George Carlin joke. So I guess that—an elevator should what, be called like—a vertical people mover? Or a vertpoov?
dan
									
Alright, well moving on— [All laugh.]
matt
									
Thanks!
dan
									
Yeah, we can get through this whole line and then go! That’s perfect!
elliott
									
Okay, two more questions.
dan
									
Two more questions.
elliott
									
Dan, you sound like you gotta place to be. And that place is—setting up for our next show! Alright.
andrew
									
Hey, guys, Andrew, last name withheld.
elliott
									
Hi, Andrew. Thanks for being here.
andrew
									
Hey. So tomorrow’s Rosh Hashanah. [Inaudible] the podcast.
elliott
									
So you said that like you were accusing us.
elliott
									
“Tomorrow’s Rosh Hashanah. You should be at home, preparing for the new year!”
dan
									
“With your family!”
crosstalk
									
Dan: I’m gonna be late! Elliott: You have challahs to bake. You’ve got brisket to roast.
andrew
									
[Through laughter] Tomorrow’s Rosh Hashanah. After that—in the days before Yom Kippur, we’re supposed to apologize to people for our sins. Would you guys like to apologize to each other for what you’ve done to each other over the past year? [Audience cheers, applauds.]
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Okay. Dan: Yeah, guys.
dan
									
Would you like to apologize to me?
elliott
									
That’s a good question. Thank you for reminding me of my sacred obligation as a member of the Hebrew race. Dan? I would like to apologize to you for making fun of your—in retrospect—not super crazy wish to see more information about the URM War. [Audience laughs.] I realize that while it is a strange choice? And would bog down the movie unnecessarily… [Audience laughs.] Your desire to learn more is merely—as I mentioned before—the movie acting upon you in the way it is meant to, by making you curious about what’s gonna happen. Much as the Jewish people are curious about many things. [Audience laughs.] And so I apologize for making fun of you so much. [Long pause.] About that. Specific thing. And nothing else! [All laugh. Someone applauds.]
dan
									
Uh… Elliott? I would like to apologize to you.
elliott
									
Okay, here comes the sweet stuff.
dan
									
For making our private argument so public. [Audience laughs.] And I would like to say that even though we have different opinions on dramaturgy, I still count you one of my greatest friends.
crosstalk
									
Audience: Awwwwww. Dan: Stuart? Elliott: Same here, Dan. Same here.
dan
									
We haven’t talked to you yet. [Audience laughs.] I would like to apologize to you for that. I would also like to apologize to you for getting so angry at you for your inability to respond to any of my emails. [All laugh. Some applause from audience.]
stuart
									
Dan. [Audience laughs.] Tomorrow is Rosh Hashanah. [All laugh.] Now… I would like to apologize about the love that your cat, Archie, clearly seems to have for me. [Audience laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] It’s—it’s true. Stuart: When I come in the room, he ignores you! [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
In fact—pushes you out of the way to rush into my arms and try and stick his entire head up my nostril. [All laugh.]
dan
									
This is all accurate. [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
I don’t know what I did to bring that on. And for that I’m sorry. [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
Thank you.
stuart
									
And Elliott? After you moved away? I’m sorry that I made a little tiny Elliott in my apartment. [Audience laughs.] And I yelled at it every time I was mad that you had moved away. [All laugh.] I made it out of Play-Doh and cat hair. [Audience laughs.] And a fair amount of my spit. And for that I’m sorry. [Audience cheers, applauds.]
elliott
									
I appreciate the apology and the news about that. Oh. Well, we’ve all been through something. That would be a perfect way to end the show. We’ve got one more question! [All laugh.]
emma
									
Hi! First name Emma, last name—take your pick. Watson. Stone. Thompson.
elliott
									
Wow, okay. Multiple choice last name!
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Cool, that’s the future! Very post-human! I like it! Emma: Dealer’s choice. Yeah. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.]
emma
									
So to circle back around to the wonderful presentation on Boston that you started with, I was wondering what your favorite movie set in the city of Boston is.
dan
									
Favorite Boston movie.
elliott
									
So she referenced my presentation before the show, which was about beans in the movies. [Audience laughs.] In honor of Beantown.
stuart
									
Which is not technically about the—none of those movies are about Boston.
elliott
									
Mm, well if you wanna hear my thoughts on movies about Boston, come to the late showww! But—so—but I dunno. Maybe—I mean, here’s the thing. The thing is, there’s a lot of movies that are set in Boston, and there’s a lot of great movies set in Boston? It is… surprising that such a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty wittle city… [Audience laughs.] —has so many movies set in it! So many great movies! It’s just such a wittle, put-it-in-your-pocket city! [Audience laughs.] But I don’t know. It’s a tough one! ‘Cause like, you’ve got movies like The Verdict is set in Boston. Like, Paper Chase is set in Boston. Like—
stuart
									
I got mine.
elliott
									
Yeah?
stuart
									
I’m gonna say the book Johnny Tremain! [All laugh.]
elliott
									
I mean, I think they made a movie of that at some point.
stuart
									
Maybe. [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
I’m googling, so, uh… [Audience laughs.]
stuart
									
[Through laughter] You’re like, “Ben Affleck movies.” [All laugh.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: Yeah. I actually was like— Elliott: Oh, you know what?
dan
									
“Is Ben and Me the one about the mouse and Benjamin Franklin in Boston?” No, Philadelphia.
elliott
									
I’m gonna say The Friends of Eddie Coyle, I think is my favorite Boston movie. [Scattered cheers and applause from audience.] So. ‘Cause I love old Robert Mitchum! He’s so sad! [Dan laughs.]
crosstalk
									
Dan: [Through laughter] Um… Stuart: While Dan’s looking this up—
elliott
									
Dan, do you just wanna name “Um”? No one’s gonna tell you you’re wrong. [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
Ummmmm…
elliott
									
Unless you say, like, Ted 2 I guess. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] But maybe that’s your favorite! You know what, Dan? I’m criticizing your choices too much. If you wanna say Ted 2, go right ahead and I will not joke.
crosstalk
									
Elliott: Dan’s favorite Boston—yeah, just say it. He loves Ted 2. Stuart: I think we can just go ahead and say it. Dan loves Ted 2. It’s his favorite Boston movie. [Audience laughs.]
dan
									
Uh, I’ll say, uh, The Departed. Which I remember is set in Boston because that goddamn Dropkick Murphys song is played every five minutes. [Audience laughs.]
elliott
									
Sounds like you got some issues with that movie, Dan. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
No, it’s good! It’s good. [Laughs.] [Audience laughs.] And that’s the show! [Audience laughs, cheers, applauds.]
elliott
									
Thank you very much for your questions! Yeah! Thank you very much for being here with us!
dan
									
Thank you to the venue! Thank you to [inaudible]! Thank you Boston! Thank you for coming! Goodnight!
elliott
									
Goodnight! Thank you! [Audience continues cheering and applauding, then ceases.]
stuart
									
[Laughs.] Oh, man, that was so much fun! Can you believe we said all that stuff?
dan
									
I certainly can’t. Especially ‘cause I’ve forgotten all of it.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Well—
elliott
									
Wouldn’t that make it harder to believe?
dan
									
Uh… I mean, I—
crosstalk
									
Elliott: That you have no memory? Dan: Y’know, if you—
dan
									
If you play me a tape of myself talking, I’m gonna be pretty credulous. I gotta say. Y’know? If it sounds like me I’ll be like, “Oh, yeah, I probably did that.”
crosstalk
									
Stuart: “Officer.” Elliott: And that’s why—
elliott
									
That’s why you’re known as The Credulous Hulk? [Dan laughs.] Because of your buff bod and also that you’ll believe anything.
dan
									
Mm-hm. [Stuart laughs.]
stuart
									
Uh, well, that was, uh… that was our live episode of Alita: Battle Angel, where we learned that Dan loves backstory.
dan
									
I do not love backstory.
elliott
									
Shovel it into his mouth, all the backstory. Tell him about all the grandparents and great-grandparents of the characters. All the stuff they did. He wants to know it all. How’d Han Solo get that jacket? He wants to know. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
stuart
									
Dan will clean that plate and then ask for more! [Laughs.]
elliott
									
And then ask you where the plate came from— [Dan laughs.] —and he wants to go to the factory and watch them make it.
dan
									
Now, the sand that this plate was made from… which desert or quarry was that mined from? Is that what you do with sand? Actually, tell me the history of sand.
stuart
									
Uh-huh. Well, I hate it. It gets in your butt. [Dan laughs.]
dan
									
Oh!
elliott
									
[Through laughter] Spoken like a true Jedi. Uh— [Laughs.] So. That was Alita: Battle Angel. We hope that everybody who has been listening has enjoyed it. Once again, we remind you that you can still go to MaximumFun.org/join. Become a member if you’re not already a member. Upgrade your membership. There’s lots of great levels and things. But you heard all about it during the pledge drive. Come on. But we appreciate—again—any support you give. If you happen to have a battle angel who maybe got some extra money in the roller combat ring? What did they do in this movie, again?
crosstalk
									
Dan: I can’t recall. Stuart: [Inaudible.]
elliott
									
Maybe toss some of that monies our way. [Laughs.]
stuart
									
And this show is—as we’ve mentioned—is part of Maximum Fun—the Maximum Fun podcast network. There’s plenty of other great shows. Just head over to MaximumFun.org. It’s produced by Jordan Kauwling, who makes us sound much better than we are. You wouldn’t wanna hear the raw audio, let me tell ya. Um… I guess—
crosstalk
									
Stuart: —for The Flop House—I’ve been—ohhh. That’s hilarious! Elliott: Much better, the cooked audio. “Cooked audio” instead of “raw audio.” Get it? That’s the kind of stuff Jordan usually—
elliott
									
Usually cuts out. But Jordan, leave that joke in so they have a taste of the crap that they’re saved from. [All laugh.]
dan
									
Uh, for The Flop House, I’ve been Dan McCoy.
crosstalk
									
Dan: I snaked ya! Stuart: I’ve been Stuart—
stuart
									
Uh! Ugh. I’ve—I’ve been Stuart Wellington.
elliott
									
And I’m Elliott Kalan: Battle Angel. That’s right, guys! I’m a battle angel! I can just call myself that, right?
stuart
									
Yep.
dan
									
Bye!
stuart
									
Bye. [Laughs.] [Dan laughs.]
music
									
Light, up-tempo, electric guitar with synth instruments.
About the show

The Flop House is a bimonthly audio podcast devoted to the worst in recent film. Your hosts (Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington) watch a questionable film just before each episode, and then engage in an unscripted, slightly inebriated discussion, focusing on the movie’s shortcomings and occasional delights.
Follow @flophousepod on Twitter and @theflophousepodcast on Instagram. Email them at theflophousepodcast@gmail.com.