[00:00:00]

John Moe: A note to our listeners, this episode contains discussion of suicidal ideation. Another less serious note to our listeners: even if you don’t like heavy metal music at all, you should really listen to this episode, because you’ll find it interesting and rewarding and fun.

Look, if you really want to, you can blame someone for having a mental health condition. You can do that. You won’t get arrested. You can place the blame for their condition on a personal moral failing or a conscious choice that you imagine that person made to have a disorder, like anyone would choose to have a major depressive disorder, like they opted for OCD. As if they selected substance use disorder off a menu, said, “Yes, please. One of those.”

You can blame those people. Hell, you can blame someone for having cancer too, if you want. But if you’re gonna blame someone for what’s wrong with them, well. One, you’re kind of a jerk. And two, you’re going to be wrong. People don’t choose mental illnesses. Because who would? Instead of blaming someone for having something wrong with their mental health, maybe apply that energy to celebrating people for doing something about it. Applaud their efforts to get healthier, to change their fates, to try—even if they don’t always succeed. Cheer that. In the case of substance use disorder, applaud their attempts to step away from the substance and stop hurting other people and stop hurting themselves.

It’s Depresh Mode. I’m John Moe. I’m glad you’re here.

And you know, there’s a lot of different kinds of music in the world. It’s not all just gentle acoustic guitar stuff.

 

Music: “Floods of Triton” by Mastodon & Lamb of God.

Heap wreckage upon this modern age

All shallow comforts now washed away

A hurricane’s ghost, a typhoon’s echo

Primordial force of will remains

 

We are…

(Music fades out.)

 

John Moe: That’s “Floods of Triton” by the very heavy metal group, Lamb of God.

The voice you hear there is Randy Blythe, the band’s lead singer and lyricist who does not talk that way in real life. Although this interview would be hilarious if he did. Lamb of God is a pretty big deal. 11 studio albums over a 21-year career, some gold records and Grammy nominations, 2.1 million monthly listeners on Spotify. They’ve toured the world with Metallica and Slayer. Randy is a huge heavy metal rockstar.

But Randy Blythe is more than just a growling, rumbling, somewhat terrifying voice. He’s a thoughtful author as well, having just published his second book, Just Beyond the Light: Making Peace with the Wars Inside our Head. It deals with, well, some of the wars inside his head—including with alcohol and drugs. Randy has a mental health condition, called substance use disorder. A lot of what the book is about and a lot of what Randy is about is getting his shit together, finding a better life through better health habits, acts of service, and sobriety.

(“Floods of Triton” fades briefly in and then back out.)

Randy Blythe, welcome to Depresh Mode.

Randy Blythe: Ah, thank you. Nice to be here.

John Moe: How are you today?

Randy Blythe: I’m well. I am in Montreal, Canada, at an airport hotel, and I’m out on a spoken word tour supporting my new book, Just Beyond the Light. So, after I do this a little bit, I’ll head into the city and then go tell some stories for a couple hours.

John Moe: Excellent. How do you answer when someone asks what the book is about? Because it’s a broad question and maybe a tricky one. What do you say?

Randy Blythe: That has been— That’s a really funny thing, because one of my friends who’s a huge bestselling author from Australia, Jay Kristoff—who wrote Empire, the vampire series, amongst other things—he blurbed me. And he asked me, he’s like, “What is this dude? How do you describe it?” (Laughs.)

And I’ve written a book before, which is a straight memoir. This one, it has aspects of memoir. It’s definitely not a self-help book, I don’t think, but it has sort of aspects of self-reflection a lot. So, I think it’s—when I describe it, I would say it’s a book about perspective and about trying to find a more balanced perspective in this crazy world.

[00:05:00]

And it’s a collection of essays that does its best to illustrate that theme of perspective, searching for a balanced perspective.

John Moe: And you lead off the book talking about the day that you stopped drinking. I wonder if you could bring us back to that day, because it seems to really set the tone for a lot of what you write about and for a lot of how you’re living. What happened that day?

Randy Blythe: Well, (sighs) for anybody who follows my band, it’s pretty public knowledge. I was a pretty rough alcoholic. I drank like a heavy metal musician does! You know, for 22 years, and did other assorted dry goods to supplement that. And after about 22 years, I went out one night, and we were in Australia. We were on tour with Metallica as main support. And we had been out with them for about a year total over the course of two years.

But I’d been out drinking in Brisbane, Australia one October night, and I woke up the next morning, and the alcohol had stopped working. And by that I mean it had stopped quieting the chaos in my head to where the world was acceptable to me, I suppose. So, I woke up one morning and walked out onto my balcony, and I looked around—my hotel room balcony, (adopting a posh affect) not my private balcony in my Australian villa or anything. But I looked around, and I saw these beautiful botanical gardens to the left of me. Across the street was one of my favorite bookstores in the world. And then down the street on the other side were great restaurants. And I looked out at everything, and I thought, “I don’t want to live anymore.”

And it wasn’t—I didn’t have a suicidal impulse like, “I want to throw myself from this balcony,” but more like “I just want to be erased from existence.” Just poof. Because my life sucked, and I was just done with it. And that’s a pretty crazy thing to say when you are in—particularly in a band of my genre, but any band really. ‘Cause Metallica’s one of the biggest bands in the world, period.

John Moe: I know, I was gonna say you’re touring the world with Metallica!

Randy Blythe: Yeah, I’m touring the world with Metallica. I’m in Australia, which is amazing. It’s a beautiful day, and I’m making money, and I just don’t want to live anymore. So, I had this moment where I thought maybe—you know, I had this horrific feeling of emptiness. And also, I looked at all these beer bottles that I had set up on the table on the balcony from the night before, and I had arranged them very neatly. Because it’s my attempt to, even when drunk, exert some sort of control over my world, like kind of an OCD sort of thing. Like, all the labels were perfectly aligned.

But I looked at these beer bottles, and I realized, dude, those are—that’s your life. Because you are now just an empty container to pour alcohol in. And though on the outside everything looks orderly and neat, all it would take is just a push, and those bottles would collapse and break. So, I looked at this stuff, and I realized I had this horrific emptiness. It was just a bizarre feeling, and I thought maybe, just maybe, if you don’t drink 30 beers a day and do drugs, your life might get better, like everyone has been telling you.

And it was a moment of clarity, and I seized upon it. And then I went to the show that night and went to some of the guys on that tour who were sober. I knew they were sober, ’cause they had approached me and been like, “Dude, you’re hitting it kind of hard. You know?”

Like I said, we had been out with them for a while, and I went to those guys, and I was like, “Please, please, please help me. I don’t know what’s going on. My life is falling to pieces. I can’t think; I don’t wanna exist.”

And they’re like, (chuckling) “Calm down, little buddy. It’s gonna be okay. Just breathe, go out, and do your job.”

And I went out, and I got through that show, and then the next one, and the next one, and the next one, and the next one. And it’s been 14 years. You know?

John Moe: You used the phrase “drinking like a heavy metal musician”. How does a heavy metal musician drink?

Randy Blythe: Like an animal! Like a savage. You know, someone asked me a long time ago, and I think I’d heard this from someone else, they’re like, “How much do you drink?”

And I just said, “All of it! All of it.” That’s how much I drink.

[00:10:00]

I drink until I am either passed out, locked up, knocked out, whatever. I drink until it’s gone. You know? And that is—you know, and I could drink quite a bit for a guy who’s, you know, a pretty skinny guy. But that is not, to me, indicative of the state of alcoholism. To me, it’s not how much I can drink. It’s what happens when I drink. And what happens when I drink was I turned into a different person. You know? It’s just really, really strange. I would wake up the next morning not remembering the night before.

Many times on tour, I’d walk into the front of the tour bus, and I would look at everybody in my band and crew, and I’d gauge the temperature in the room in the morning to try and figure out what the vibe was. And sometimes it would be like, “Hey, what’s up?” Or then sometimes people would just look at me and shake their head, and I’m like, “Crap. I did something last night.”

John Moe: And you wouldn’t remember what you had done?

Randy Blythe: Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no, no. I mean, I didn’t black out every time, but enough times to where—you know, generally I would come on the bus and be argumentative or just in a foul mood. You know, and like I’ve insulted friends of mine before horribly, and there’s an old saying: in vino veritas. In wine, truth. And that’s really—to me it’s bullshit. Because maybe normal people, they’ll get a little less inhibited, I guess. But I would do things like insult dear friends of mine. And that’s not something I would ever do sober. It’s something I have zero desire to do. It’s not like I have this hidden malice against people I love inside me, but the alcohol and drugs altered me. And I have to be held responsible for everything I do, whether I’m drunk or not. It’s not an excuse. Right?

And that has been a big part of my life is taking accountability for myself. Drunk or not, it’s not your fault I went out and got drunk and turned into a maniac. So, if I did something messed up, I need to try and make that right the best that I can. But it’s not an excuse. But it does—to me, only way I can explain it is that I turn into a different person. You know, I really do. One that baffles me, in fact. Like, really confuses me. I’m like, “Why would you do that?!”

And then, you know, eventually I—luckily, I got to this point where it was like it was just untenable anymore. Like I said, I had a moment of clarity. And also, you know, in general, alcohol—surprise, surprise! Your ninth grade health teacher was right! Alcohol is a depressant. (Chuckles.) So, it just made—you know? And I have—I think there’s a sort of—there’s an aspect of depression in my character. I think I’m prone to it, most definitely, before I ever drank.

And at first alcohol kind of alleviated that. It made me feel more comfortable in my own skin. But eventually it just added to it. Just added to the depression, made it worse and worse until I wound up on a hotel balcony not wanting to live. You know? So, as far as drinking like a heavy metal band dude, I just drank a whole lot.

John Moe: A whole lot.

Randy Blythe: You know, at the end, I had to drink a beer before I could eat anything, every day. That should tell you.

John Moe: Like, for breakfast?

Randy Blythe: Yes. Yeah. I couldn’t put food in me without having alcohol to level out, you know? ‘Cause your system starts becoming dependent on it, physically and also neurologically. The synapses in your head won’t connect unless you put that substance in. Alcohol and other drugs and stuff, for people who are drug addicts, that’s the way it works. It alters your brain chemistry. And if you do it long enough, it alters it—you know, it can alter it permanently until you have wet brain. You know, it’s a mess.

John Moe: Did you think during all these times, leading up to that day—leading up to that, pivotal day in Brisbane—did you think, “Yeah, I’m drinking, but this is okay. This is normal. I’ve got this under control. I’m having fun”? Like, what was the distortion?

[00:15:00]

Randy Blythe: Well, (sighs) you know, I’m not saying that being in a band is the reason why I drank, right? (Chuckles.) Because I know a lot of sober people, a lot of sober alcoholics, and I know a lot of sober band guys. But I also know a whole lot of sober lawyers, restaurant workers, construction workers. All of it, it runs the gamut. But being in a band is a really handy excuse, particularly being in sort of a more aggressive kind of heavy metal band. It’s a really handy excuse to justify that drinking, because it’s expected. There is like the cultural mythos of the hard partying musician/artist.

I thought at times, “Yeah, of course I drink. I’m in a heavy metal band, you know, that’s what we do!” And yes, at times in the beginning it was fun. It was a lot of fun. I started drinking when I was about 18, you know. I came a little late to it. I know people who started when they were 12. But it was fun for a while. And then after a while it just wasn’t. It just wasn’t. And regrettably, by the time I realized that it wasn’t, I had drank myself into a state of alcoholism to where I was compulsively consuming this poison.

John Moe: How hard was it to get to the second day of that sobriety and the months and years that follow? Because I imagine touring with Lamb of God, touring in a heavy metal band, there’s no shortage of alcohol and substances available.

Randy Blythe: Nooo! It’s everywhere! It’s everywhere. I was very lucky in the fact that we were in Australia; we were with Metallica. That’s a cush tour, great catering. And there were sober dudes out there. So, I had a lot of support, and I spent the entire first month of my sobriety on tour in Australia. We had 17 days off in the middle. I stayed there. And stayed with some friends on a sea island called Phillip Island, south of Melbourne. And they removed all the alcohol from the house. I told them they didn’t have to do it, ’cause I live in a band.

But they were like, “No, we’re gonna do this.”

I had my own car, and I learned how to drive on the opposite side of the road, and I hung out with koalas and went to the beach. And went camping in the rainforest. It was wonderful.

Being around all the alcohol at the show, I just hung tight to the dudes on the tour who were sober. And in fact, the whole first month, it was—my life had gotten so bad that I was annoyingly happy about being sober. I was like, “It’s so great, I’m sober!”

And everybody’s like, “Yes, Randy, we know. You’re not drinking anymore. Lay off. We wish—maybe you need to take a drink.” I was so happy.

And that lasted for around two months. Because that level of manic joy over the fact that I was no longer just depressed as crap every second of the day is not sustainable.

(Music fades in.)

John Moe: Just ahead, maybe it was having to walk away from the koalas. Randy gets back to his normal life, and sobriety becomes a lot harder. Let’s just listen to Lamb of God music this week. This song’s called “Ditch” by Lamb of God.

 

Music: “Ditch” from the album Omens by Lamb of God.

I don’t give a goddamn

About your demands

Just spit your trash and take a bow

(Music fades out.)

 

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Music: “Omens” from the album Omens by Lamb of God.

I cut the weight of connection

And led myself astray

(Music fades out.)

 

John Moe: That’s “Omens” by Lamb of God.

Back with Lamb of God lead singer, Randy Blythe, author of Just Beyond the Light. He’s an alcoholic or a person with a substance use disorder. He was talking about getting sober on tour in Australia and it going well, until he got home.

Randy Blythe: So, I came home, and reality set back in. And I became overwhelmingly depressed on a clinical level to where, intellectually, I knew nothing was wrong. Everything was getting better in my life. My band, my friends, my wife at the time, everybody was very happy that I was sober. But I was so depressed.

I remember just sitting in my backyard on a bright, sunny day and trying to put on my shoes and—I talk about this often when I talk about this period in my life, but this is true. I’m just sitting there weeping, because I couldn’t tie my shoes. I’m like, “I just can’t do it!” You know? And intellectually I’m like, “No, dude, it’s okay.” But my brain was just this crushing, black despair. And I talked to a friend of mine who had been sober for a long time, and I’m like, “Dude, I don’t know what to do. Like, I know— I’m going crazy.”

And he was like, “Dude, if you can, hang in there for six months—because you drank and drugged for 22 years, heroically. Olympic-level drinking and drugging.” Right? I’d have golds across the category. And he’s like, “You seriously altered your brain chemistry by doing that. And the neural pathways, they don’t connect. You’re missing your happy juice that maybe will produce some serotonin. So, it’s gonna be difficult.” He said, “If you can hold it for six months, try not to go on any drugs, unless you’re just suicidally depressed—any antidepressants—for six months. Because it’s hard for a doctor to accurately assess your brain chemistry when it’s rewiring from being so just completely messed up.”

So, I waited, man. And I did. I toughed it out for six months. Those four—about four months were sooo hard. And I went to my family at one point. I told them, I’m like, “Look, you guys are gonna have to have me put away.” I went to my parents’ house. I was 39 years old. I don’t run home to Mommy and Daddy. Right? I don’t do that. But I did! I like went home, and I’m like, “You guys may have to have me locked away for a while, because I cannot handle this. I don’t know what’s wrong.”

And they were like, “Just stay with us.”

And then at six months I was like, “I can’t take this.” So, I went to go see a—which one prescribes the drugs? A psychiatrist or the psych—? It’s the psychiatrist.

John Moe: Psychiatrist, yeah.

Randy Blythe: Yes. So, I went to a psychiatrist, and this person explained to me, he said, “Look, you know, once again, you’ve been drinking and doing drugs for 22 years. Your brain is screwed up.” So, he’s like, “You may need a little kickstart producing your own serotonin. So, we want to try and put you on an antidepressant. You may not have to stay on it forever. It may just—you know, you may just need a little kickstart. Your engine’s rusty, bro.”

And I’m like, okay. So, they put me on this antidepressant, which was called Pristiq, which I thought it was just the most hilarious name for an antidepressant. It sounds so fancy. Like, this is the—

John Moe: There’s a Q at the end of it!

Randy Blythe: Yeah! It’s like this is the Louis Vuitton of antidepressants. Right?

(They chuckle.)

And I wasn’t depressed anymore, but I felt like I was right on the edge of coming down from cocaine all the time. If anybody has ever done that listening here, it’s just like—

[00:25:00]

John Moe: Explain that for people who haven’t. What does that feel like?

Randy Blythe: Just very constant, speedy, kind of manic energy. Like, just—zzzzz! And I’m like, “This is unacceptable.” I did enough cocaine in the real world. You know? And I was on that for a little bit, and I didn’t have the overwhelming depression, but I just felt unnaturally— I’m hyperaware of how I feel, because I’m sober for the first time in 22 years, and I’m hyperaware of my bodily sensations. So, I did not like feeling like that. I did not like feeling altered.

So, I went back to him, and I’m like, “Look, this is making me feel a little too buzzy.”

And they’re like, “Okay, let’s put you on Lexapro.” And so, I did some Lexapro, and that leveled me out. There were a few slight side effects from that, but not nearly as bad as the Pristiq. And I was okay. I was just level. I’m like, aah. And I stayed on that for about a year and a half.

And I was writing my first book, and I was down in North Carolina. I’m from Virginia, and I’d gotten a beach house to write it. And every time I wanted a prescription, I’d have to travel five hours all the way back up to Virginia to get it filled. And I was like, you know, you’ve been on this for about a year and a half. Let’s try and—what is it? Titrate down? Like, just level down and get off it. So, I started splitting my pills, and then I got down off of it, and I was okay! You know, in my brain now. And that was—you know, I haven’t been on that since 2014, I guess? You know, 11 years. I was on it for I think maybe a year and a half.

But my brain is okay. I just needed a little kickstart. I mean, I would’ve stayed on it forever if I had to, because there’s no way I could have like functioned as a human. I was like, okay, you’ve damaged yourself. And I have to take responsibility for that. Luckily, I didn’t. And you know, I still experience depression at times. But I can handle it. It’s not this all-encompassing ball of doom, you know, that I cannot see through. And furthermore, I stop, and I recognize it, and I accept it. And I’m like, “Okay, you’re experiencing some sadness right now. You are experiencing some depression, but this is gonna pass.” Instead of—

I think that’s one reason why I drank so much. My emotional state and the rest of the world was unacceptable to me. So, I had to try and alter it, alter it, alter it with something. And when all that was taken away, I had to look at myself and say, “Okay, dude, you’re having a bad day, but it’s okay to have a bad day.” ‘Cause I would kick my own ass like really hard if I was not feeling so great. Because it’s like, “Dude, look at your life. You have fans. You’re in this band. You know, everything in your immediate life is great. People would kill to have your job. Why are you so depressed? You’re a loser!” Which of course only makes it worse. (Laughs.)

John Moe: Yeah, that’s not a good solution there.

Randy Blythe: No! No. And now it’s like when I start getting blue, you know— My girlfriend, she and I will talk about this. And it’s like, “I’m having a bad day.” You know?

And she’s like, “It’s okay.”

And she will too. And I’m like, “It’s okay. You can get through it.” And then it passes! You know, it’s not this constant state. But when I was depressed like that, after getting sober, it was constant, constant unbelievable.

(Music fades in.)

John Moe: Coming up, Randy’s life beyond the bottle, beyond the concert stage, and the practice of reaching beyond yourself to perform acts of kindness for others. This song is called “Gears”.

 

Music: “Gears” from the album Lamb of God by Lamb of God.

(Music fades out.)

 

Promo:

(Fantastical tinkling and sparkle sounds.)

Narrator: (Echoing.) Somewhere, in an alternate universe where Hollywood is smarter.

(Harp chords fade into applause.)

Presenter: And the Emmy nominees for Outstanding Comedy Series are Jetpackula. Airport Marriott. Throuple. Dear America, We’ve Seen You Naked. And Allah in the Family.

(Applause fades into harp chords.)

Narrator: (Echoing.) In our stupid universe, you can’t see any of these shows. But you can listen to them on Dead Pilots Society.

[00:30:00]

(Rock music fades in.)

The podcast that brings you hilarious comedy pilots that the networks and streamers bought but never made. Journey to the alternate television universe of Dead Pilots Society on MaximumFun.org.

(Music fades out.)

 

Music: “Redneck” from the album Sacrament by Lamb of God.

(Music fades out.)

 

John Moe: That was “Redneck” by Lamb of God. We’re back and talking with Randy Blythe from the band Lamb of God, author of a new book, Just Beyond the Light.

You talk about some other aspects of your life from the book that seemed to go along with the sobriety and that seemed to go along with the better health. And I wonder if you could talk about your involvement with the National Marrow Donor Program. Can you explain how you got involved with that program and maybe what that’s meant to you?

Randy Blythe: Yeah, absolutely. I was—you know, I was in Phoenix, Arizona. And I met—I was backstage, and a young man somehow got back there and came up to me, and he’s like, “Hey, my buddy Wayne Ford has just been diagnosed with leukemia. And will you give him a shout out?”

And I’m like, “Of course, man. Absolutely.” So, from the stage, I was like, “This is for Wayne Ford. Fuck cancer. You’re gonna beat it.” You know? And then after show, I met this young man, Wayne Ford.

And he was like, “Dude, I didn’t expect that. That was amazing. Thank you so much.” And I wound up talking to him and talking to him about leukemia and talking to him about the bone marrow registry, which was called Be the Match at the time, and how I was already on it. Because I have a friend, another musician friend who had gotten leukemia, named Nergal—Adam Darski from the Polish band Behemoth. And he got a donor, and he lived. But our old merch girl, this lovely, lovely woman named Evie Carano, got diagnosed with leukemia and had died a week later. Like, boom, quick. And she was such a sweetheart.

So, that had led me to sign up for the bone marrow registry. And I talked to this young man, Wayne, about it. And I’m like, “I’m already on the registry.”

He’s like, “That’s awesome.”

Because bone marrow matches are very specific, unlike blood types. So, it’s important for people to register for it, particularly for ethnic minorities. Because if you’re White, I think you have like a 70% chance of finding a match, but it decreases exponentially from there. You know, particularly I think with African American or Black people. I think they’re the most unrepresented. So, I’m always encouraging people to sign up for this. So anyway, five years go by. I say goodbye to the dude that night. I’m like, “Best of luck.” Wished him luck.

And then five years go by, and I get an email from one of his friends. He’s like, “Hey, man, I don’t know if you remember my buddy, Wayne. But he’s been fighting this for five years, and he’s done. He’s over it. The treatments aren’t working anymore. And he just wants to live his life, the rest of it, out on his own terms. You know, not in a hospital. So, he’s just gonna stop.” And he’s like, “Can you get the band together to talk to him?”

I was like, “Regrettably, I can’t.” Because they were in California recording, and I was in Virginia working on lyrics, but I said, “I will certainly talk to this young man.”

And I wound up doing a video call with him and just talking to him about his life. And I was very nervous about it before, ’cause I’d never really talked to a dying person at that young age. I talked to older people. You know, they’d come to a place of acceptance. But this young man was 33, so talking to him had a very profound impact on my life. And we became friends, and we kept up with each other over the next month or so, mostly via text message. I videochatted him into the studio while I was recording and so forth.

And then when he died, I wrote a song for him, called “The Duke”. And around that song, my band Lamb of God had a sort of charity campaign where we raised about almost $15,000, I think, for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and then also raised awareness for the bone marrow registry, and I’m still doing that. I’m out here on this spoken word tour for the book, and I have a QR code at my signing table every night that people can just point their phone at and scan.

[00:35:00]

And it will take you to the bone marrow registry, which is free and easy and painless. But a few years after this song comes out, I get an email. The book starts off with the story. The first chapter starts off with the story of this young man, and then the book ends with what I’m about to say. A few years after “The Duke” came out, I got an email from another young man. He’s like— The song is called “The Duke”, that we wrote.

So, he’s like—I got an email from this young man. He’s like, “Hey, I just thought you would like to know that because of ‘The Duke’, I registered for the bone marrow registry, you know, five/six years ago. And I have matched with a cancer patient.”

And I’m like, “Oh, that’s so amazing.” And it felt—this was during the COVID-19 pandemic when everything was screwed up and lots of people were having a hard time. So, this brought me so much joy, dude. I was standing on a bridge over the river in Richmond, Virginia, out for a walk. And I was just hopping up and down. I was so excited. And then this young man who matched is now a dear friend of mine. His name is Todd Seaman. He’s from Arkansas. I went with him while he donated his bone marrow in DC, two days before Christmas.

And the match worked, and his donor is alive now. And I’ve met that man, and I detail that in the book. You know. So, it’s really intense when you meet someone who is still alive because you met a dying person, you know, years before and befriended them and then wrote a song. And it makes you feel like what you’re doing has some real worth, like what you’re doing makes a difference.

So, that has been a really fulfilling part of my life, trying to get people to sign up for the bone marrow registry. And you can go to BetheMatch.org. It’ll take you to a different name of the website, but they still hold that domain. And particularly if you’re young; they won’t accept people as old as me or you, anymore. But if you’re younger, that’s something you can do. That is a concrete step you can do that may make a difference in someone’s life. And it’s easy, and it’s painless, and it’s free.

John Moe: How do you look back on your drinking now? Do you regret not quitting earlier? Do you regret ever taking a drink? How do you frame that in your mind now?

Randy Blythe: I do not, because it’s foolish. I mean, there’s certainly things that I wish hadn’t happened, and it’s a fruitless path to go down, to sit here— I have to realize where I am in this moment. I have to stay and take care of this moment and make the best of this moment. Because my life so far has seemed to consist of one long stream of “this moment”s. And if I’m sitting here beating myself up over the past and the time that I wasted, then I am not taking care of this moment. I am, you know, living in the past. So.

Also, if I want to help someone—and I have been lucky enough to help people; a lot of people. Unbelievably, I’m the dude that people come to if their buddy has a drinking problem, you know, or if they have a drinking problem. I’ve had many people come to me and be like, “Dude, help me. I don’t know how you do this.” Even in my business.

If I sit there consumed with remorse and regret over the fact that I drank and drugged for 22 years and wasted all this time and wasted all this money, that’s a dangerous path to go down. ‘Cause if I’m sitting there kicking my own ass, I’m not able to be of service to anyone else. And people helped me get sober, you know. Like, when I went—the first day, I was saying—I went to James Hetfield from Metallica and some of their guitar techs. And they held me down. They made me—they supported me.

You know, so if I’m sitting here consumed with remorse, constantly kicking my own butt, I’m combat-ineffective to help other people. And plus, just sitting there and beating up on myself in the end—to me, it seems pretty narcissistic behavior. I was not the Hitler of alcoholism. (Chuckling.) I was just a drunk, you know, who did some crappy things, yes. Which I take responsibility for.

[00:40:00]

But I wasn’t the Genghis Khan of drinking. So, if I’m sitting there just beating my own self up, it’s really just the other—it’s the flip side of the egomania coin to me. Instead of “I’m awesome”, it’s “I’m terrible”. And in both of those thought processes, the common denominator at the root of those is me. Me, me, me, me. Thinking about me. And the more I think about me, the worse it seems to get. It’s like the social media algorithm thing. You look at just one thing, like it’s something—you know, a picture of a girl in a bikini with a big butt. And the next thing you know, your feed is wall-to-wall ass. (Chuckling.) So, my feed is just wall-to-wall Armageddon if I think about myself all the time.

I do a lot better if I look around for someone. You know, I’m not saying totally like don’t take care of yourself, but the less I focus on me—poor me, poor me—or my actions, it seems like the better it gets. The more I’m able to help other people, the better off I am, emotionally. I’m much more stable emotionally and mentally that way.

John Moe: Yeah. Yeah. Is that a heavy load to carry, being the guy that everybody comes to? And I imagine now, like with fans when you go on tour, you must hear from people as well who look to you as a leader. Is that a heavy crown to wear?

Randy Blythe: Yes, sometimes it is. And like with my new book, people increasingly— It’s amazing to me, ’cause I was a guy nobody wanted to have around or would ask for answers to anything at any point in time. You know, I was a loose cannon, dude. Loose cannon. So, it’s amazing to me that people would look to me for advice on anything or any sort of guidance on anything. Unbelievable. But it that does—at times, it can get a little bit intense. Particularly, you know, because I have talked to a lot of fans about their problems. I have.

It can get a little intense at times, because fans have this very deep connection to you and your music, and it has helped them—which is super gratifying for me. That’s the most important thing for me. The best reward is when someone comes up to me and says, “Your music, or your book, or your photography”—which is my primary method of creative expression, those three—”has helped me through a really tough time.”

And I have been sooo lucky to have heard that a million times, ’cause that’s what art has done for me, in all its forms. It has carried me through rough times. So, it’s supremely gratifying. But sometimes when people ask me these, “Do you have an answer for this question? This problem I have?”, it’s a little overwhelming. In my new book, I don’t present any answers, I don’t think. My main wish for the book is—’cause the book is about me asking myself questions at its face. It’s about me trying to find a better perspective. If anybody takes anything out of the book, I hope it’s that they read the book and ask themselves some questions and examine their own situation and say, “What tools do I have at my disposal right here, right now—not tomorrow, not in a month when I get my shit together, but right here, right now—that I can use to improve my own life and maybe make the world a better place?”

And so, I don’t have any answers. I am just bumbling through life like everyone else. (Chuckles.) I really am, you know. I just—somehow, I’ve managed to do it without completely alienating everyone and pissing everyone off all the time now. Because I don’t act like a maniac most of the time.

John Moe: A question, not about mental health. You refer to your singing voice in the book as a Cookie Monster voice that you were able to get to.

(Randy confirms.)

How do you sing like that? Because I gotta admit, I was surprised when we started talking. I’m like, “Oh, he talks like a regular dude.”

(Randy cackles.)

And your singing voice—

Randy Blythe: Yeah, I come on here like (growls), you know?

(They chuckle.)

John Moe: How do you make that voice happen without ripping the hell out of your throat?

[00:45:00]

Randy Blythe: Uh, you know, sometimes I do. (Chuckles.) But I think it’s like any— I think it’s like a muscle that, you know, the more you exercise it, it gets a little bit stronger. I don’t exactly know how it happens. It just happened. You know, I was never trying to sing like this. In fact, the way I sing and the reason why I’m in one of these bands is like—a metal band—is ’cause I was kind of listening to music at a bar one night, some of this type of music like ours, and just started making fun of it, actually. Just going, “I can do that! (Growls.)”

And people were like, “Whoa, you can do that! You know, you should be in a band.” (Laughs.)

John Moe: Because you were more of a punk rock guy before, right?

Randy Blythe: Oh yes, 100%. You know, growing up—and definitely, you know, growing up listening to mostly punk rock and hardcore. And then, you know, some of the more goth stuff. Like, I’m a huge, huge Cure fan. Like, love them. Their new album, by the way, rules. Anybody who hasn’t gotten it, check it out.

And also, speaking of the name of this podcast I love—especially in high school, me and my first girlfriend loved Depeche Mode, especially Black Celebration. Unbelievable record! Unbelievable. “Flies on the Windscreen”. It’s so good.

John Moe: Okay, well, I’m not gonna attempt to sing like you, but—

Randy Blythe: Please don’t.

(They laugh.)

You’re a podcaster. You have a great voice. Don’t ruin it.

John Moe: The book is Just Beyond the Light: Making Peace with the Wars Inside Our Head. The author is Randy Blythe.

Randy, thanks.

Randy Blythe: Thank you so much.

(Music fades in.)

John Moe: Randy Blythe’s book Just Beyond The Light is available now. Here’s a little bit of that song Randy talked about, “The Duke” by Lamb of God.

 

Music: “The Duke” from the album The Duke by Lamb of God.

No one lives forever

But you can’t escape from life

Every day could be your last

So, consider your demise

Mine has drawn so near

Stare into the eyes of the end

Living now without fear

The time that’s left to spend

 

The time that’s left to spend

(Music continues under the dialogue.)

 

John Moe: The only way Depresh Mode is able to exist and get made is funding from our audience. That is our business model. If you have already supported the show, great. Thank you. You have got the show out into the world where it’s helping people with their lives and their mental health. If you haven’t yet joined, it’s easy to do. No problem. Just go to MaximumFun.org/join. Find a level that works for you. Maybe that’s $10 a month. Maybe it’s $5 a month. Maybe it’s $20. I don’t know! You make that call based on your own life, then select Depresh Mode from the list of shows. Be sure to hit subscribe, give us five stars, write rave reviews. That helps get the show in the world as well where it can help people.

(“The Duke” fades out.)

 

Music: “Building Wings” by Rhett Miller, an up-tempo acoustic guitar song. The music continues quietly under the dialogue.

 

John Moe: The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline can be reached in the US and Canada by calling or texting 988. It’s free. It’s available 24/7.

We’re on BlueSky, @DepreshMode. Our Instagram is @DepreshPod. Our Depresh Mode newsletter is on Substack. Search that up. I’m on BlueSky and Instagram, @JohnMoe. Be sure to join our Preshies group happening over on Facebook. A lot of good discussion happening over there, people sharing things about their lives, people supporting each other. It’s a tough world out there, sometimes. It’s good to have people who can help you out. So, join Preshies. It’s really easy to do. Just go to Facebook, search up Preshies. You’ll find it. Our electric mail address is DepreshMode@MaximumFun.org.

Hi, credits listeners. In Randy’s book, he says that given the state of the recording industry, he’s less a professional musician than he is a black t-shirt salesman that also sings. I thought that was funny.

Depresh Mode is made possible by your contributions. Our production team includes Ragu Manavalan, Kevin Ferguson, and me. We get booking help from Mara Davis. Rhett Miller wrote and performed our theme song, “Building Wings”. Depresh Mode is a production of Maximum Fun and Poputchik. I’m John Moe. (Clears throat.)

(In a heavy metal growl.) BYE NOW.

 

Music: “Building Wings” by Rhett Miller.

I’m always falling off of cliffs, now

Building wings on the way down

[00:50:00]

I am figuring things out

Building wings, building wings, building wings

 

No one knows the reason

Maybe there’s no reason

I just keep believing

No one knows the answer

Maybe there’s no answer

I just keep on dancing

 

Shana: This is Shana from Baltimore, and I believe in you.

(Music fades out.)

 

Transition: Cheerful ukulele chord.

Speaker 1: Maximum Fun.

Speaker 2: A worker-owned network.

Speaker 3: Of artist owned shows.

Speaker 4: Supported—

Speaker 5: —directly—

Speaker 6: —by you!

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