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“More like SNOOZERMAN”

Posted by Maximum Fun on 4th July 2006

This according to “Big Time” Gene O’Neill:

…more like “Snoozerman”
Current mood: amazed i have nothing better to do

I’m aware of the foolhardiness of a man my age being disappointed by a comic book movie, but my expectations were unique. I knew going in that Superman, like all movies of its ilk, had a low ceiling for substance. But I also heard that the movie was supposed to be really, really gay. Like “Top Gun”-level accidentally gay, so I was eagerly anticipating some iconic innuendo not to mention Superman flying around and punching things into the ionosphere. I will now enumerate my dissatisfaction:

1. The movie is only a little gay and that might have my forceful projections to thank. I mean, Kevin Spacey is a little fruity but he’s like that in all of his movies. I was expecting a lot of male-to-male close talking and delicately shrouded references to Super Cocks, but no. Nothing.

2. “Something falling and Superman catching it” encapsulates the full breadth of Superman’s “heroics”. Seriously, they should’ve called the movie “Guy who catches a lot of shit”. In three hours of movie, he doesn’t punch anything or anyone, somehow forswearing the obvious question “how far can I punch this?”. Unforgiveable.

3. One of the more interesting subplots is the contest between the guy playing Superman and the girl playing Lois Lane to see who can be less interesting.

4. Superman is racist. He doesn’t save any black people and doesn’t go to the ghetto once. I guess even he’s afraid to go to the ghetto. He’s like the George W. of superheroes, which I guess makes Batman the Bill Clinton in that he’s an honorary black guy by virtue of acknowledging their marginalization.

5. Clark Kent never seems to write any articles.

6. The best part of the movie was when half the audience would start clapping after Superman did something allegedly awesome and the other half of the crowd would aggressively shush the clappers. This progressed into a real battle throughout the movie. After some decisive losses in the early going, the clappers were really surging towards the end, making for a plot infinitely more interesting than the one on screen. It was so good I was tempted to pick a side and loudly root for them. (Here’s a phenomenon I never understood: clapping at the end of movies. Whom are these people clapping for? Do they think the actors and crew are at the movie? Do they also clap at the end of TV shows or after they hear a song over the radio? I swear this only happens in LA. I think these people are only applauding their own self-perceived sophistication at having recognized what they think is a great film, which is hilarious, because the shittier the movie, the louder the applause usually is.)

7. Before the movie, there was a commercial for a cell phone (I think). And in the commercial, they show Rufio dancing around. Rufio! Who is this guy’s agent? You can’t find fucking Rufio a better gig than a couple seconds of mincing around on a cell phone commercial? This guy went from taking Peter Pan to the cleaners to pre-cinematic obscurity. Terrible. Just terrible.