Judge John Hodgman Episode 415: Gesundfight


Becca brings the case against their wife Bridgett. Becca says that Bridgett has terrible sneezes, and would like her to tone it down. Bridgett says this is just how she sneezes, and that Becca should let her sneeze in peace. Who's right? Who's wrong?


Affidavit from Britt

I, Britt, of New York, NY SWEAR THAT:

1. I have known Becca for ten entire years and have considered them a very best friend. I have known Bridgett for about 4 years and have witnessed the development of this relationship over time. I am a frequent guest of this couple’s household and enjoy their hospitality and cats.

2. On one occasion, Becca and I were watching a true crime documentary in their living room. Bridgett was in the kitchen cooking some sort of meal. What followed was an absolutely unacceptable eruption of sound, jolting me from my chair and resulting in me missing important details about the murder case. It was a “sneeze” produced by the defendant, and it was rude and unnecessary. Becca and I were both shaken, and we had to rewind the documentary to catch what we missed. I could only imagine the spittle that might have landed on at least 1 out of 4 cats.

An action such as this must be punished, in my opinion. I was but a witness to this event, but can only imagine the pain and hardship Becca has to endure each and every day.

Affidavit from Warren

I, Warren of Milwaukee, Wisconsin SWEAR THAT:

I have a friendship and former roommateship of nearly eight years with Bridgett, and a friendship of nearly six years with Becca, and as such have personal knowledge of the facts and matters herein and believe the same to be true.

I have witnessed Bridgett spilling lit hookah ash onto a carpeted floor;
I have fed Bridgett's cats out of necessity through her own negligence;
I have done Bridgett's dishwashing assigned to her -- particularly after asking her to do it multiple times over the course of weeks and at one point, more than a month;
I have suffered at the hands of fruit flies after Bridgett has not done her washing;
I have suffered at ants invading our pantry in response to poor cleanliness;
I have been fed raw egg products in the guise of "good cooking";
I have unclogged tub drains stuck with Bridgett's hair;
I have cleaned up spills, scuffs, scrapes, and stains left in Bridgett's wake -- especially alcohol that has become sticky;
I have had to deal with Bridgett's scattered clothing, which is always dirty clothes that haven't found the wash;
I have had to deal with extremely long baths in an apartment with only one bathroom;

I testify that due to such derogatory conditions of roommateship, I fled from Wisconsin to Connecticut for two years in order to heal from the traumatizing and monstrous behavior, and when that distance wasn't enough, I moved overseas. I have only just returned, only on the condition that I move to a new neighborhood and have a new roommate. I still avoid the neighborhood where Bridgett and I lived. I am learning to heal but it will take time.


Thank you to Michael Haas for naming this week's case! To suggest a title for a future episode, like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions.



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